All About Steve

en
00:00:31 #Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #
00:00:37 # My face to the sky #
00:00:39 # Dreaming aboutjust how high
00:00:43 # And if I'll know when I finally get there #
00:00:46 # Taking off my glasses #
00:00:49 # Sun pokes through my lashes #
00:00:51 # Somehow I know #
00:00:54 # There's a time for every star to shine #
00:00:58 # Everybody got their something #
00:01:02 # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #
00:01:05 # Everybody got their something #
00:01:08 # Everybody got their something #
00:01:11 # Hey, hey
00:01:14 # People keepin'score #
00:01:17 # Better hurry up and get yours #
00:01:19 - # Somebody else got your spot #
00:01:22 # Before you even dropped #
00:01:24 # Seek and you shall find #
00:01:26 # Everything in my own sweet time #
00:01:29 # I'll take my chances
00:01:33 # Busy
00:01:35 # Like a butterfly #
00:01:37 # Believe if you hand it over
00:01:41 # All right #
00:01:43 # Yeah #
00:01:45 # Everybody got their something #
00:01:48 # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #
00:01:51 # Everybody got their something #
00:01:54 - # Everybody got their something #
00:01:58 # Yeah-ah-ah-ah #
00:02:03 # Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ##
00:02:05 I'll be there in about 10 minutes.
00:02:07 Excuse me.
00:02:09 - Sorry.
00:02:11 Right? The party was amazing
00:02:15 Girl, everybody was there.
00:02:18 If you want to seal the deal with a guy,
00:02:21 - Oh. Hold on.
00:02:24 Oh, he's in the back, baby.
00:02:25 Anyway- Yeah, you wanna
00:02:28 Mexicans traditionally have
00:02:31 Horowitz!
00:02:33 - Eight down?
00:02:37 It's a tough one. Don't punish yourself.
00:02:45 Please say yes. Please say yes.
00:02:47 - Please say yes.
00:02:49 Hello, sir.
00:02:51 Um, I have an idea.
00:02:53 Do you have next week's crossword?
00:02:55 Indeed I do, but better yet...
00:02:58 I have many and a brilliant plan.
00:03:01 Instead of doing just one crossword per week,
00:03:03 - I could do five per week-
00:03:05 but we just don't
00:03:08 I know, but, sir, the crossword...
00:03:10 is everyone's favorite part of the newspaper.
00:03:13 And we could be just like the New York Times...
00:03:15 where the puzzle gets harder as the week goes.
00:03:18 So on Monday,
00:03:20 This isn't the New York Times.
00:03:22 - Our readers just wanna have fun.
00:03:25 Oh! Well, sir, if fun is what they want...
00:03:29 then Mary Horowitz has their fun.
00:03:31 Ta-da! For Saint Patty's Day.
00:03:33 Top o' the morning to ya.
00:03:35 Leprechaun. - Wonderful.
00:03:40 Congratulations, man.
00:03:42 I know. Who would have ever thought?
00:03:44 - Mary.
00:03:46 Do you ever stop working
00:03:49 - Mm-mmm.
00:03:51 - Nope.
00:03:53 Mm-mmm. Oh. Uh, well,
00:03:57 - Oh?
00:03:59 My parents set it up.
00:04:03 Go on out on your date.
00:04:05 You know, have some fun with him, and-
00:04:07 Have you moved back into your apartment?
00:04:09 Uh, no. Still fumigating.
00:04:12 But I'm just waiting for
00:04:14 so I don't get the- the old brain cancer.
00:04:17 Though if I don't move out of my parents' home
00:04:20 - So it's brain cancer, lobotomy, brain cancer-
00:04:22 Mary, less work, more of everything else.
00:04:27 Just enjoy being normal.
00:04:30 Martin, I need that feature
00:04:33 Is it ready?
00:04:38 Be normal.
00:04:42 Normal.
00:04:44 # Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #
00:04:47 In life, as in crosswords...
00:04:50 some days are harder than others...
00:04:52 and that's what keeps your brain alive.
00:04:54 The key to surviving those tough days
00:04:56 and stay focused on your life's purpose.
00:04:59 For me, that's imparting thejoy
00:05:04 Ah, crosswording...
00:05:06 the most spectacular fun
00:05:10 I like your protective ensemble.
00:05:12 Bunker gear, if you will.
00:05:14 So, if these kids set you on fire,
00:05:18 If I survive this- Phew!
00:05:20 I'm supposed to go on a blind date tonight.
00:05:22 Yeah. Steve.
00:05:24 Steve. Yeah.
00:05:28 So, my parents are no doubt pimping me out
00:05:32 But I'm- I'm- I'm gonna cancel.
00:05:35 Yeah. I mean, wouldn't you?
00:05:38 Yeah? Though I-I could use a little-
00:05:41 if you know what I'm saying.
00:05:43 Yeah. Been a long time.
00:05:49 Mary Horowitz.
00:05:51 Yes. Yes. That is-That's me.
00:05:54 Here's a treat, students.
00:05:56 Miss Mary Horowitz is the crossword
00:06:01 You know the crossword puzzles that you see
00:06:04 Well, it's her job to create them.
00:06:07 Isn't that fun?
00:06:10 Ladies and gentlemen...
00:06:13 people do crossword puzzles all the time...
00:06:17 but they don't often think of the person
00:06:23 Crossword constructors have
00:06:28 and it helps if they can spell.
00:06:36 Okay. Um-
00:06:38 Okay. That's good.
00:06:42 Imagine, if you will, a world.
00:06:45 - A world-
00:06:48 You make a living doing that?
00:06:50 Well-
00:06:52 One puzzle a week
00:06:54 How do you pay your rent?
00:06:57 Oh, uh-
00:06:59 Well, my parents have graciously permitted me
00:07:04 - while my apartment is being fumigated.
00:07:07 Temporarily, yes, I live at home.
00:07:11 But, then again, so do all of you.
00:07:15 - You don't have a husband, do you?
00:07:18 Kids, come on.
00:07:22 No. Not-Not at- Not at this time.
00:07:28 Though I have had liaisons.
00:07:45 # Soon Yi was a pilot in the nationally known #
00:07:49 # Amazing ladies of the outer ozone #
00:07:53 # She didn't have no kids
00:07:56 # She was a woman ofher word
00:08:00 # She looked good in a hat
00:08:03 - # With tools and no car#
00:08:05 - # She went to UCLA#
00:08:15 Hi. I often suffer from
00:08:19 Do you mind not driving until I can get my-
00:08:22 Okay. Okay. All right.
00:08:24 Ow.
00:08:26 # And I don't know why life #
00:08:30 # It seems to be #
00:08:37 # So hard for dreamers #
00:08:42 # Like you and me ##
00:08:48 Mary? How'd it go?
00:08:53 Smashing success.
00:08:55 Or as they say in old Paris,
00:08:58 - Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs and, uh,
00:09:01 Oh. So you're going ahead with the date?
00:09:09 Yes. Of course.
00:09:12 Look how excited I am. Better get going...
00:09:14 if I'm gonna fall in love and get proposed to...
00:09:18 register at Barnes and "Normal"...
00:09:21 have a beautiful wedding
00:09:23 plastic bride and groom on top of a cake,
00:09:29 I'm gonna go.
00:09:31 I just want her to be happy.
00:09:34 Yeah.
00:09:35 Go out and have some fun.
00:09:37 Mm-hmm.
00:09:40 you're gonna have to burn those damn boots.
00:09:43 Carol, I have a date.
00:09:47 A blind one.
00:09:50 But...
00:09:52 if this Steven is anything better than
00:09:57 I think we really should try and make it work.
00:10:00 Because, if society wants me to be normal...
00:10:03 then normal we shall be, right?
00:10:06 Yes.
00:10:08 Oh, and, Carol, I really would appreciate
00:10:11 And by "support," I don't mean that.
00:10:16 Mary?
00:10:18 Knock, knock, knock.
00:10:21 Oh. Look at you.
00:10:23 Already have- repeatedly.
00:10:26 Mar. He's hot.
00:10:28 Please don't mean on the inside.
00:10:34 - I'm a cameraman for CCN-
00:10:36 - a news program.
00:10:38 - Work with a guy called Hartman Hughes.
00:11:01 Hey, Mary. I'm Steve.
00:11:31 Carol. Carol, I bring news.
00:11:33 There's been a-
00:11:37 My date is substantially
00:11:42 And you know what? Colin Powell once said,
00:11:46 Well...
00:11:48 clearly he doesn't understand the power
00:11:52 There she is!
00:11:59 Oh, wow.
00:12:05 Nice boots.
00:12:07 Thank you.
00:12:09 You ready?
00:12:11 Mmm.
00:12:13 - So nice to meet you.
00:12:15 - Oh, yeah. It's raining outside.
00:12:19 - Let me get that door for you.
00:12:21 Good luck. Shalom.
00:12:26 I have to admit, at first I wasn't so sure
00:12:30 but now I'm surprised
00:12:33 especially knowing my mother.
00:12:35 Must be some kind of conspiracy.
00:12:41 Oop. You good?
00:12:46 Oh, he's so not gay.
00:12:52 Oh, man, it's coming down.
00:12:58 It's really coming down, huh?
00:13:01 I thought maybe we could go to, uh, Ernesto's.
00:13:06 They've got great tamales.
00:13:09 And they have this drink
00:13:12 It means "the black rooster. "
00:13:14 You have, like, two of those drinks,
00:13:16 Oh. You okay? You okay?
00:13:23 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
00:13:28 Wait, wait.
00:13:31 - What about my parents?
00:13:33 Mmm. She's married,
00:13:37 No, I just mean-
00:13:40 Whoa. I just-
00:13:42 I just mean we're right in front of their house.
00:13:46 And I have no problem with that whatsoever.
00:13:49 Oh, Steven. Oh, Steven.
00:13:52 - Is that Steven with
00:13:57 - It's with a "V."
00:14:00 - Yeah.
00:14:02 a million Stevens with a- a "V" in the country.
00:14:04 It's much more popular than the "P-H" way.
00:14:07 I think it was the Brits who prefer their P-H's.
00:14:09 Yeah. Not as much
00:14:14 Steven, we really should
00:14:16 - for predicting our all-encompassing
00:14:19 I mean, we're-we're both
00:14:22 you in TV,
00:14:25 I'll help you. Also noticing we're both
00:14:29 I don't know if you noticed like I noticed,
00:14:33 - and what are the chances of that?
00:14:35 - Okay?
00:14:36 Of course, the chances are
00:14:38 given that blue is one of the most popular
00:14:41 Do you, uh- Do you like crosswords?
00:14:44 Sure I do.
00:14:46 - Really?
00:14:47 You know how when the perfect clue
00:14:50 and it just explodes
00:14:54 I'm - I'm aroused.
00:14:57 - I'm perplexed. I'm
00:15:00 - Yeah? - Yeah. Can- Let's go back to the,
00:15:05 - Okay. Okay. Wow. Steven.
00:15:07 - Oh.
00:15:10 just brought together by the Norns.
00:15:12 - It's just-That's Scandinavian for the Destinies.
00:15:16 And now I'm going to eat you like a
00:15:21 You know what? I'm sorry.
00:15:23 - It's my phone.
00:15:24 - I didn't hear it ring. That's odd.
00:15:26 - I didn't feel it.
00:15:29 - Yeah.
00:15:31 - I'll get over here.
00:15:33 What? Yeah. What's up?
00:15:36 - All right. I'm coming.
00:15:38 - Okay. Okay. I can hurry. I can hurry.
00:15:41 I- I gotta go to work.
00:15:43 - There's breaking news.
00:15:46 - Gosh, I'm so sorry.
00:15:49 I gotta go to, uh, Boston.
00:15:53 Wow. Boston, huh?
00:15:55 That's a spectacular city.
00:15:58 Known not only for its- its tea...
00:16:00 but, uh, for Sam Morse,
00:16:03 - Get out of here.
00:16:05 No. You know, it's so- it'd be so much more
00:16:08 Like, I really wish you could be there.
00:16:12 - Life on the road sure is tough.
00:16:14 But you have a job to do.
00:16:21 Oh. He likes Twinkies.
00:16:25 Okay. It's been fun.
00:16:32 - Okay. That's for you.
00:16:35 Yeah.
00:16:42 Thank God.
00:16:47 Okay. Big crazy person.
00:16:54 # You got me stuck to you
00:16:57 # You got me stuck to you
00:17:01 # You got me stuck to you
00:17:05 When I was a fledgling cruciverbalist-
00:17:07 that means crossword constructor-
00:17:09 I would find comfort in the words
00:17:12 My hero was Manny Nosowsky...
00:17:14 frequent New York Times contributor
00:17:18 Manny says that
00:17:22 can be determined
00:17:25 - Is it solvable?
00:17:28 # You got me stuck to you
00:17:31 - Is it entertaining?
00:17:35 # You got me stuck to you
00:17:38 Does it sparkle?
00:17:40 # You got me stuck to you #
00:17:43 # Clap hands
00:17:46 Yes. Okay. So, lunch meeting
00:17:49 And I need to- I-This crossword is bullshit.
00:17:52 Anyway, he said he was gonna change,
00:17:56 This doesn't make any sense.
00:17:58 - Well, to me, it does.
00:18:01 - This is lame.
00:18:04 These clues suck!
00:18:10 I can't get any of these!
00:18:13 Oh, thanks.
00:18:15 Don't even bother. I don't know what the deal is,
00:18:20 "All About Steve"?
00:18:23 - Steve's eye color.
00:18:27 Steve's lips taste like-
00:18:30 Mint explosion.
00:18:34 Mary, who's Steve?
00:18:36 - Oh. An extraordinary-
00:18:40 What's important is what you've done
00:18:43 - It's inspired.
00:18:46 - Romantic.
00:18:48 Oh, you're a tough one today. Let's see. Um-
00:18:52 It's unprofessional.
00:18:54 Un- No.
00:18:57 Um, okay. Let me think. You are-
00:19:02 Mmm.
00:19:04 You've tarnished the paper's reputation.
00:19:06 I mean, I really thought that you would've known
00:19:10 Do you have any idea
00:19:14 Uh, 7,402, but-
00:19:18 - Mary.
00:19:24 Mary, we're gonna have to let you go.
00:19:28 Oh.
00:19:32 I could make it up to you...
00:19:35 by doing a fishing themed crossword.
00:19:37 I know how you love the- the piscatology.
00:19:46 I'm sorry.
00:19:51 We can, um-
00:19:53 Yeah, we'll just, uh-We'll-
00:19:55 I'll call you, and we'll just-
00:20:02 Police tell us that the chief suspect in the case
00:20:07 Okay, guys. You're set.
00:20:09 Tucson's affiliate's on site now.
00:20:12 - Okay.
00:20:16 Dan, we talked about this.
00:20:19 - Nick Vasquez has six Emmys.
00:20:23 - He was robbed, Dan. All six times.
00:20:27 I mean, he can't help it
00:20:30 By "older" he means
00:20:34 Um, I'm pretty sure I meant old.
00:20:36 Wh-Wh-Wh-Whatever.
00:20:41 ...little feller just needs to stiffen up.
00:20:44 With the two purple flowers-
00:20:46 - I'd, uh, be happy to, Dan.
00:20:49 Yeah. What I was going for here was-
00:20:53 Western motif, sort of the iconic flower.
00:20:55 Then I needed a backdrop, like a
00:20:59 In Hollywood, they call that a Mae West,
00:21:01 Keep talking, fellas. Keep talking your way
00:21:05 Right back to 10 degrees in Buffalo...
00:21:07 where you'll be spending most of your days
00:21:12 Well, give us something good, Danny.
00:21:15 - I mean- we're fighter pilots, man.
00:21:18 It's like sending an F-16
00:21:21 It's a waste of our energy.
00:21:23 And I need one big report, man,
00:21:26 Get out of my office.
00:21:28 This is a big report, so don't screw it up with
00:21:32 And you, Angus,
00:21:35 Make sure they don't embarrass me in Tucson.
00:21:38 Yes, sir. - Remember the Escalade.
00:21:42 - Starling, how you doing?
00:21:44 - Jackie, looking sweet. Paula.
00:21:46 I can feel your love darts coming over this way.
00:21:50 - Mom. I'm working. What's up?
00:21:52 No, I haven't read it. Why?
00:21:54 Uh, okay. Hey.
00:21:58 - Yeah. Right here.
00:22:00 Yes, I ate lunch. What section?
00:22:05 Oh, wow. This is all about me.
00:22:10 Wait. This is all about me.
00:22:42 Yes.
00:22:45 Oh. Ow, ow, ow.
00:22:48 Doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt.
00:22:51 But obviously the gods have seen-
00:22:54 Where are you?
00:22:57 Ooh. Hi. There you are.
00:23:00 Pistas. Indicios. Anhaltspunkte.
00:23:03 Clues. They're just-They're-They're everywhere.
00:23:05 One, I was thinking of not going on the date,
00:23:08 of, uh, Youngstrum Academy kindly-
00:23:12 Two, my date duly arrives.
00:23:14 And lo, not only is he, uh, muy caliente,
00:23:19 Three, Steve says it would be great...
00:23:22 if I could be on the road with him.
00:23:24 But, of course, I cannot because I have a job.
00:23:27 Four, only days later,
00:23:30 which is obviously just the final clue
00:23:35 Onward, Mary Horowitz.
00:23:38 What do you mean you don't have a job?
00:23:41 Missing the point, Father. Uh, the clues
00:23:45 Journey forth where?
00:23:48 Father, you're making me crazy.
00:23:53 Ah. Voilà, Papa.
00:23:56 If it is news, Steven is there.
00:23:59 This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.
00:24:03 Anybody seen Vasquez? Huh?
00:24:05 - Anybody seen Vasquez?
00:24:07 Too much of a pussy to come
00:24:09 Thirty seconds. -
00:24:12 Well, I wanna open up on the dust,
00:24:15 All right. Steve, but I'm gonna indicate
00:24:19 - And right here.
00:24:21 She still mad at you
00:24:25 - And five, four- - Fact I was looking at
00:24:31 Paula, I've just arrived
00:24:35 beloved tourist attraction in Tucson, Arizona.
00:24:37 On a typical day, this street would be busy...
00:24:42 with families eager to enjoy
00:24:46 Tragically, today,
00:24:50 has taken his role to heart...
00:24:52 and captured eight of his coworkers,
00:24:55 and holding them in the saloon...
00:24:57 a mere 85 yards away from where I stand now.
00:25:01 Shots have been fired, Paula!
00:25:03 Let's go handheld, Steve!
00:25:10 It's unclear at this moment
00:25:13 or how many lives have perhaps been lost.
00:25:17 Okay. Breaking news, Paula.
00:25:19 We have our first confirmed kill:
00:25:22 a horse.
00:25:24 One of many that live here
00:25:30 First victim of this senseless tragedy.
00:25:35 It's at moments like this I'd like to believe
00:25:41 rolling meadows, lush grasses...
00:25:43 the spirits of deceased horses
00:25:48 Long may you roam...
00:25:52 in heaven, O noble horse.
00:25:56 Not dead.
00:26:03 And yet, the horse not quite dead, Paula.
00:26:06 Not quite dead at all.
00:26:11 He's apparently a trained horse, Paula.
00:26:14 Trained to drop down-
00:26:17 during Wild Willy's
00:26:21 This particular horse...
00:26:23 also sensitive to trucks backfiring on Route 20.
00:26:27 Well-
00:26:29 in the midst of tragedy, a blessed miracle.
00:26:33 Cut. - Damn it, Steve!
00:26:36 You guys could see the horse is alive, and
00:26:41 No, no. This is the "bring the tears" signal.
00:26:43 This is "Hey, the horse is up. It's galloping. "
00:26:47 Yeah.
00:26:49 You know my favorite answer?
00:26:51 "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. "
00:26:53 It's a lung disease. Ooh! Fontana, California.
00:26:55 Y- You know what they make there? No?
00:26:58 No? They make-They make steel.
00:27:00 Yeah. Do you know how they make it? No?
00:27:03 I won't bore you with the whole story,
00:27:06 like- like how it's made from, uh,
00:27:10 which does not, as everyone might think,
00:27:14 It's -It's a raw iron made from iron and coke.
00:27:18 And by coke, I mean the, uh,
00:27:21 Or the booger sugar.
00:27:23 It's-It's a method perfected
00:27:26 Oh. And Bessemer is also a town in Alabama.
00:27:31 Yep. And you know what they have there?
00:27:33 Hitler's typewriter.
00:27:37 That guy was such an asshole.
00:27:40 Anyone up for a potty break?
00:27:44 We're gonna take five minutes here.
00:27:48 Establishments in desolate areas like this
00:27:56 No! No! Stop!
00:28:01 Whoo-hoo!
00:28:05 Crap. Crap.
00:28:21 # I want to hit the road #
00:28:24 Yes. Hi. Uh, Do you know when
00:28:27 'Cause I kind of just-just missed mine.
00:28:34 I'm headed that way.
00:28:37 Oh. That's nice.
00:28:41 So, you ever kill any animals?
00:28:43 Set a trash can full ofkittens on fire?
00:28:47 No.
00:28:49 No? Okay.
00:28:51 What about humans? That had to-
00:28:55 Would I tell you if I did?
00:28:59 Touché, sir. Touché.
00:29:02 # Hit the road and drive for miles #
00:29:06 # I'm gonna hit the road
00:29:10 You can wait for that next bus if you want.
00:29:24 Uh- Uh-
00:29:26 Roughly 9.85.
00:29:33 Stop! Stop!
00:29:50 May I see your license, please?
00:30:00 Norman James Durwood?
00:30:03 Mary Magdalene Horowitz. Nice to meet you.
00:30:05 Good to meet you, I think.
00:30:08 Norm, if you are going to rape and murder me...
00:30:12 you are going to have to cut my body up
00:30:15 and scatter me all over four states...
00:30:17 because this appendage...
00:30:19 will lead homicide detectives right to you.
00:30:23 And that would be no bueno. I think we're good.
00:30:29 no pencils.
00:30:33 Doing a crossword with a pencil is like
00:30:37 It is weak.
00:30:39 you need to do it fearlessly
00:30:43 I prefer medium felt-tip blue.
00:30:45 It's about choosing your path, Norm,
00:30:50 Well, I figure that when you miss a bus...
00:30:53 maybe you weren't meant to take it.
00:30:57 Hmm.
00:31:00 Are you familiar with, uh-
00:31:03 - It's like this awful eye pus that starts to ooze-
00:31:06 quiet time might be real good right about now.
00:31:09 Oh. Okay.
00:31:14 Quiet. Silencio.
00:31:16 Ruhe.
00:31:20 Hey, Norm.
00:31:22 Mary?
00:31:24 Thanks for not raping me.
00:31:28 My pleasure.
00:31:33 Howdy, partners!
00:31:38 Howdy, partners! Welcome to
00:31:45 All righty. Give my love to the kids.
00:31:48 Good luck. And if that Steve
00:31:51 Disrespect. Well, if you mean unmannerly...
00:31:53 tactless and vulgar,
00:31:56 Some things can't be helped.
00:31:58 See ya, Mary.
00:32:01 See ya, Norm.
00:32:16 # I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #
00:32:20 # I want to learn to rope and ride #
00:32:23 # I want to ride o'er the plains and the desert #
00:32:27 # Out west of the Great Divide #
00:32:31 # I want to hear the coyotes howlin'#
00:32:34 # While the sun sinks in the west #
00:32:38 # I want to be a cowboy's sweetheart #
00:32:43 # The life I love the best ##
00:32:47 Hola. Señor.
00:32:49 What happened?
00:32:52 They're all safe.
00:32:59 Crap.
00:33:05 - Adiós.
00:33:13 What did they say?
00:33:14 - Baby Peggy...
00:33:16 - in Oklahoma...
00:33:17 Poor little thing.
00:33:18 Oh. Oh. Gracias. Gracias, señor.
00:33:22 - De nada.
00:33:24 Vaya con Dios.
00:33:25 ...Guadalupe Aguero, or to us, Baby Peggy...
00:33:28 a third leg.
00:33:32 Shortly after the birth,
00:33:35 Now with joint custody, one parent
00:33:40 - The other wants it gone.
00:33:42 the judge has ordered in favor of the mother.
00:33:44 Amputation surgery is scheduled for tomorrow...
00:33:46 but the father, Mr. Aguero,
00:33:49 As his lawyers work to secure an injunction...
00:33:53 the father continues to rally support
00:33:57 I'm quoting. " If God didn't want my daughter
00:34:01 he wouldn't have stuck one
00:34:04 So, for now, the fate
00:34:07 is in the hands of a judge.
00:34:10 Hartman Hughes,
00:34:14 near the leg,
00:34:18 - Cut.
00:34:21 In the next segment,
00:34:23 "Baby Peggy is in
00:34:27 - What do you think?
00:34:30 - Wanna do some one-on-ones?
00:34:32 Okay.
00:34:36 Intelligent arguments, guys!
00:34:38 I was born with a vestigial penis.
00:34:43 You know, like yours. I'm talking about
00:34:46 And it was pretty good size. I was kind of
00:34:50 I used to work it, hang it on the side
00:34:54 Now there's just a big old scar.
00:34:59 Right? Okay. So, they cut it off, then-
00:35:02 What? What happened? H- I wasn't finished.
00:35:05 - That was unbelievable. - Yeah, that
00:35:10 - Vasquez.
00:35:12 Oh. That's a new Escalade.
00:35:15 He's got three security guards.
00:35:17 Look at that. He brought toys.
00:35:22 Ooh, that's that guy from the news.
00:35:26 Son of a bitch.
00:36:22 What?
00:36:24 Oh, no.
00:36:27 #Love him, I love him, I love him #
00:36:30 # And where he goes
00:36:34 # I will follow him #
00:36:37 # Follow him wherever he may go #
00:36:41 - Hi!
00:36:42 - Hey.
00:36:46 Hey. Oh.
00:36:47 - How are ya? Hey!
00:36:50 Yeah, I didn't - I-Yeah.
00:36:52 - Look at you, here.
00:36:55 - It did. It did.
00:36:58 - Oh, I brought your-
00:37:00 - And I got a surprise-
00:37:03 that I know you love.
00:37:06 Oh. Wow. That's, uh-
00:37:09 That's -Wow. That's scary thoughtful.
00:37:12 - Thanks. Thank you.
00:37:15 - So, you-you-you came here all
00:37:19 "Ask and you shall receive. "
00:37:21 - No.
00:37:24 Did Jesus tell you to come here?
00:37:27 Jesus ask me to come here.
00:37:31 - No. You did.
00:37:34 - Yes, you did.
00:37:35 - Yes, you did.
00:37:37 Yes. Right after you fondled my breasts.
00:37:39 - Who?
00:37:42 - Oh.
00:37:44 Sure would be great if you could
00:37:47 Oh, yeah.
00:37:49 With your big old hands.
00:37:51 - Yeah.
00:37:54 - It felt good.
00:37:56 - Yeah.
00:37:58 Yeah. It will be great,
00:38:02 - Oh. That's sweet of you to say.
00:38:05 for- for support and encouragement...
00:38:08 and whatever, like...
00:38:10 - nurturing and-and coddling you
00:38:13 I'm -I'm pretty much a one-man team. It's just-
00:38:15 It's - It's just me and, uh, my camera.
00:38:19 - You know what? And yes.
00:38:21 You know,
00:38:23 Because I-I bet my left ovary...
00:38:25 that that- that's Baby Peggy's daddy
00:38:29 - Right there. Look.
00:38:32 - No. Right- - No, they're all dressed
00:38:35 - 'Cause we're at a hospital. - But a- But a
00:38:39 - What?
00:38:43 Oh! Ho-Holy shit! You're right.
00:38:45 - Yeah. I- I should, uh-Thank you.
00:38:49 First priority, your-your occupation.
00:38:51 Second priority, fornication!
00:38:55 Fornication.
00:38:58 - Excuse me, ma'am.
00:39:00 - Only media are allowed up here.
00:39:02 My credentials, kind sir.
00:39:05 - "Cruciverbalist"?
00:39:07 You gotta stay down there with your friends.
00:39:11 My friends.
00:39:13 Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:17 Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:20 Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:23 Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:26 - Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:30 Don't make us beg! Save the third leg!
00:39:34 Okay, guys. That's 30. That was fantastic.
00:39:38 Hi there. I like your boots.
00:39:41 Oh. Thanks.
00:39:44 Are you pro-leg or anti-leg?
00:39:47 Neither really.
00:39:49 Well, um, this is the pro-leg group over here.
00:39:52 Oh, we are supporting Baby Peggy's dad
00:39:57 - Oh, wow. - Um, over there-Well,
00:40:00 Well, is the, uh- is the additional leg
00:40:04 Because if it has full mobility, it's both
00:40:09 Those are a lot of words.
00:40:12 - And they're kind of big. I don't understand.
00:40:14 In addition to promoting a righteous cause...
00:40:18 the pro-leggers have better snacks.
00:40:23 Okay. I'm, um...
00:40:25 definitely pro-leg then.
00:40:27 Yea!
00:40:30 Come around.
00:40:33 Okay. Okay.
00:40:37 Love those boots.
00:40:39 Angus. Footage of the dad leaving the scene.
00:40:42 - Nice work.
00:40:45 - How'd you get that?
00:40:49 This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.
00:40:57 You remember the blind date I went on?
00:40:59 - Yeah. The one who did the crossword.
00:41:02 She followed me here.
00:41:04 - Here?
00:41:06 I mean, I saw her at the bridge, and I- I think
00:41:10 - Is she attractive?
00:41:12 I've been married to the same woman
00:41:16 - I think she thinks that I invited her here.
00:41:19 No. I mean, well-
00:41:22 Kind of. I mean-
00:41:24 But I was just trying to be nice, you know,
00:41:27 You could have tried "Get out of my truck. "
00:41:30 I can't be held responsible
00:41:32 No. Of course not.
00:41:36 and following you
00:41:38 Stalker?
00:41:41 - Who has a stalker?
00:41:43 - No, no, no, no. What?
00:41:46 Really? What's going on with that?
00:41:49 No, I was telling him about Mary. Remember
00:41:53 She was on me like a mountain lion in the truck.
00:41:55 Great in theory, but... wouldn't stop talking.
00:41:58 She was like a talking encyclopedia.
00:42:02 So, uh, is she here, or-
00:42:04 No. No, no, no. I think she went up-
00:42:06 Red boots, with the protesters. Hot.
00:42:08 Red boots?
00:42:10 - You bang a fireman?
00:42:12 No, I did not bang a fireman.
00:42:15 Hmm.
00:42:18 All right.
00:42:21 and get some, uh, snacks.
00:42:24 - You want anything?
00:42:27 with shaved ice with a twist oflemon.
00:42:35 - Awesome. He's getting me drinks.
00:42:38 - Yeah! - That's not where he's going.
00:42:40 He's always thinking about something.
00:42:42 - # Save the leg, my friend #
00:42:46 - # Save the leg # - It's the,
00:42:49 - Give me that.
00:42:51 Here.
00:42:54 - Hey, guys.
00:42:56 - Uh, can I help?
00:42:58 Mary, have you met Howard?
00:43:01 - How do you do?
00:43:05 Uh-
00:43:08 I'm just gonna sit down.
00:43:11 - So, what can I do?
00:43:13 - Yes.
00:43:18 - Mary.
00:43:21 Hartman Hughes.
00:43:23 So, this is the pro-legger camp.
00:43:26 - Yeah.
00:43:28 That's right.
00:43:30 You folks are all for
00:43:32 - Abnormal?
00:43:36 Yeah.
00:43:38 - She'd just be like the tree frog.
00:43:41 A trematode parasite causes polymely-
00:43:43 that means "extra limbs" - in-in tree frogs. Yeah.
00:43:46 Happens all the time. It's -It's totally normal.
00:43:48 - In some ponds,there's a quarter
00:43:51 with extra limbs,
00:43:53 You know, over at the media tent...
00:43:55 we're gonna take a break in a few minutes...
00:43:57 and, uh, sure enough like you to join me.
00:44:00 Oh.
00:44:07 Will Steve be there?
00:44:11 - Who do you think sent me?
00:44:14 All right, girl. You go, girl.
00:44:16 Go on to that media tent with your bad self.
00:44:19 Go get your man, honey.
00:44:21 - I'll be right back.
00:44:23 - Did Steve tell you all about the
00:44:27 There's no words to describe
00:44:30 Oh, but there are. There are always words.
00:44:32 - You know-
00:44:34 It's easy to see
00:44:37 Oh.
00:44:40 So, he, uh- Oh, yeah.
00:44:43 he told you all about
00:44:46 - and je ne sais quoi?
00:44:48 He told me about the quoi.
00:44:50 He wouldn't shut his piehole about the quoi.
00:44:52 But, you know, his bliss is tempered with fear.
00:44:56 - Oh.
00:44:57 did he seem like a man
00:45:01 Um-
00:45:03 I- I-I-I don't know. I don't know if- if-
00:45:06 - Mmm, no.
00:45:08 - It's because he's afraid, Mary.
00:45:10 He's afraid you're gonna... break his heart.
00:45:13 But I wouldn't do that.
00:45:16 - I'm incapable-
00:45:19 You rest those pretty little mouth pillows, huh?
00:45:22 You're gonna need 'em later
00:45:24 What I need to know from you right now...
00:45:27 are you gonna stick around long enough
00:45:32 - Oh. Of course. Of course. Yes.
00:45:34 - If he tells you to go, you don't go.
00:45:37 Mm-mmm. He starts throwing words around
00:45:42 - that's his fear talking.
00:45:44 - All right?
00:45:46 If he tries to run away, I want you to grab him.
00:45:50 - Okay. - And with the strength
00:45:53 - Be calm and focused.
00:45:55 - You wanna know why?
00:45:57 You're the rock in this relationship.
00:45:59 I'm the rock.
00:46:01 - You're the glue that holds it together.
00:46:05 Right here. Look at me. Focus.
00:46:09 Are you gonna soldier on...
00:46:12 no matter what happens?
00:46:14 Of course.
00:46:16 - Of course.
00:46:18 - You know what I see in those big,
00:46:23 Plica semilunaris secretions?
00:46:25 Do I have something in my eye?
00:46:29 Bravery.
00:46:32 Hmm. Well, I'm a little nervous.
00:46:35 - Now you go get your Steve on.
00:46:40 - You said she was hyper?
00:46:43 That's good. That's good.
00:46:45 they keep all that bottled up inside,
00:46:50 You know? But as long as she's hyper,
00:46:53 One thing she isn't is calm.
00:46:55 - Dude.
00:46:58 - Dude. Is that her?
00:47:00 Is that her?
00:47:05 Oh.
00:47:08 Want some?
00:47:12 Okay.
00:47:14 - How'd she get in here?
00:47:19 Boy, did I miss you, Steven with a "V."
00:47:23 - Let's go for a talk outside.
00:47:26 - Right out here.
00:47:28 All right.
00:47:32 - Oops. Yes?
00:47:34 - You can't stay here.
00:47:37 - No.
00:47:39 - crossword puzzles from anywhere in the world.
00:47:42 - Listen to me.
00:47:45 I don't want you here. Okay?
00:47:47 But you said.
00:47:49 I said- I know- I'm a guy. Okay?
00:47:51 We say things we don't mean.
00:47:53 Well, then, how do I know
00:47:57 - when you said you didn't mean what you said?
00:48:00 Well, see, that's your fear talking.
00:48:03 Why are you so calm?
00:48:06 How come you're not more hyper?
00:48:09 - Steve, it's all gonna be okay.
00:48:12 Maybe even wonderful.
00:48:14 - Hartman Hughes told me everything.
00:48:16 - I talked to Hartman Hughes.
00:48:18 - It doesn't matter.
00:48:20 - Steve.
00:48:22 Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven. Come here.
00:48:27 - Okay.
00:48:29 "Intimate relationships
00:48:32 "but to have any meaning or validity at all...
00:48:35 a life plan must include intimate relationships. "
00:48:39 Do you know who said that?
00:48:41 - Jesus?
00:48:42 - Oh.
00:48:44 of the timeless classic
00:48:48 - I was gonna run for governor, but-
00:48:51 - Come here.
00:48:53 - Come here.
00:48:55 - Yes, sir.
00:48:58 I don't know what you're into, lago,
00:49:01 I'm a newsman.
00:49:05 Okay. Well, then tell her you lied and-
00:49:10 I don't want you here. I'm sorry.
00:49:12 Okay.
00:49:21 Sorry. Just...
00:49:24 things didn't work out.
00:49:26 You're gonna find a great guy.
00:49:28 Baby.
00:49:30 What is that?
00:49:33 I want you guys to have a baby.
00:49:35 Why?
00:49:37 You guys belong together.
00:49:40 - I'm gonna hit you, man.
00:49:42 You're not gonna hit the face of CCN-
00:49:44 Stop it! "Victory attained through violence
00:49:49 - This is what I'm talking about.
00:49:51 - What are you afraid of?
00:49:53 You don't want her to know about
00:49:56 Why are you putting stuff like that in her head?
00:49:58 - You said that?
00:50:00 Maybe you're afraid the great Hartman Hughes
00:50:03 - You're crazy!
00:50:06 Hey, guys!
00:50:10 - Steve, your camera.
00:50:13 - Sorry. Sorry.
00:50:15 You mess with me, you mess with my boy.
00:50:17 - Mary, stay! Mary, stay!
00:50:19 - Mary!
00:50:22 - Mary!
00:50:24 Tissue.
00:50:26 With mere hours to spare,
00:50:30 agreeing to halt surgery until Baby Peggy
00:50:34 It's time for the Agueros
00:50:38 So today, like the noble tree frog...
00:50:41 whose third leg is nothing if not natural...
00:50:44 Baby Peggy marches on
00:50:48 Steve! I'm coming. Excuse me.
00:50:50 Medical emergency.
00:50:52 Possible concussion, could faint at any time.
00:50:54 - Steve, I'm coming.
00:51:02 Are you all right?
00:51:04 Could someone please help him?
00:51:07 Maybe apply a vasoconstrictor
00:51:10 She trying to kill me? She's trying to kill me.
00:51:14 This is Hartman Hughes report-
00:51:18 What the hell was that?
00:51:20 It's this girl who Steve invited, sir.
00:51:23 I didn't invite her. She's stalking me.
00:51:26 Never mind.
00:51:29 There's a hurricane off the coast ofTexas.
00:51:31 I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.
00:51:33 If you three weren't the closest crew to
00:51:36 - Yes, sir.
00:51:38 Did you hear that about the tree frog?
00:51:41 Every time she speaks, I smell anchor desk.
00:51:44 I get it, Hartman. You're trying
00:51:47 She's insane. She tried to kill me.
00:51:49 Hartman, something's wrong with her.
00:51:50 - You didn't see that?
00:51:53 I fell down? My legs were
00:51:55 What are you talking about? She's stalking me.
00:51:57 - Dude, she's not stalking you.
00:51:59 Oh, shit!
00:52:02 - Steve. Hi, guys.
00:52:04 Hi. I'm so sorry I was detained.
00:52:06 I was questioned by authorities about an
00:52:09 But all's been resolved. Steve.
00:52:11 Considering you almost cost us our job,
00:52:13 I'm so sorry.
00:52:17 I can actually apologize
00:52:19 Huh.
00:52:22 So, Mary, we're going to Galveston.
00:52:25 - What do you know about Galveston?
00:52:27 Great. Galveston.
00:52:30 one of the country's
00:52:33 - Huh. Gay friendly, Angus.
00:52:35 Is she running alongside the van?
00:52:36 - What else you got?
00:52:38 - Biggest natural disaster in American history.
00:52:41 Over 6,000 dead in Galveston alone. Yeah.
00:52:44 - Ten nuns and 90 orphans.
00:52:48 - Ask her why she's following me. Please.
00:52:51 I'm not-
00:52:55 Stalking's an obsessive pursuit of prey.
00:52:57 But you're kind of
00:53:00 Who wouldn't?
00:53:01 Steven is a smart, decent, loving-
00:53:06 Loving, talented human being
00:53:09 - I'm not going anywhere, Steve.
00:53:12 - Steve, hi.
00:53:17 Oh.
00:53:19 You should come!
00:53:26 You know what
00:53:29 "Go. " That or any other two-letter words.
00:53:33 The word "go"- not fun.
00:53:35 The word "vamoose"- now that's super fun.
00:53:40 Yes. Crosswords are a lot like life in that way.
00:53:43 They're only boring
00:53:45 We didn't get to light all the candles, Howard.
00:53:49 - That's okay. We can save them.
00:53:51 Hi, Mary. Where you been?
00:53:53 I'm -I'm going to-
00:53:57 - Oh.
00:53:58 Yes, it's a storm.
00:54:00 Could you sign my autograph
00:54:04 Yeah, if I, uh- If I had a- a car...
00:54:07 on my way to Galveston,
00:54:10 where they have the world's largest peanut.
00:54:13 I love peanuts, especially the giant ones.
00:54:16 - Yeah, well, who doesn't?
00:54:19 Love them.
00:54:21 - There you go.
00:54:24 - Really?
00:54:29 All right. Vamoose.
00:54:35 Vamoose indeed.
00:54:39 - So, uh, what kind of car do you have?
00:54:42 - What year?
00:54:44 - Did you replace the two-wire
00:54:47 The reverse doesn't work, and sometimes
00:54:50 This storm could be nasty.
00:54:51 Are we sure that we wanna drive into it?
00:54:53 Come on. How bad could it be, right?
00:54:55 Storm Watch!
00:54:58 Hurricane LaQuisha expected to make landfall
00:55:02 And what makes this situation
00:55:05 that area ofTexas currently in the midst...
00:55:08 of the worst tornado season in history.
00:55:11 And here's where things get interesting.
00:55:14 Add a looming cicada migration...
00:55:16 and no one knows just how devastating
00:55:20 Did you know that back in the '80s when
00:55:24 it was actually the cows and their gases...
00:55:27 which were actually
00:55:33 - # Turn off your radio #
00:55:37 # You're gonna feel all right #
00:55:40 # Let's do the panic tonight ##
00:55:47 A little wrinkled old lady.
00:55:50 Yeah, that's Mother Teresa.
00:55:54 - I'm an apple sculptor.
00:55:56 I love apples.
00:55:58 - Yeah?
00:56:00 Well, I went to school for physics,
00:56:03 So I, uh- So now I just make these and
00:56:08 Here, let me show you another one.
00:56:10 - Oh! Clay Aiken!
00:56:12 I love him!
00:56:15 You know, I was sitting at home...
00:56:17 just thinking that I had
00:56:21 And then I just thought,
00:56:26 Maybe this is the road I'm supposed to be on.
00:56:33 Maybe it is.
00:56:36 And now we go out to Hartman Hughes,
00:56:40 Hartman, not getting too wet, are you?
00:56:42 Paula, the only thing keeping me
00:56:47 of these shark-infested waters...
00:56:50 is this flimsy two-by-four railing.
00:56:52 And the Galvestonians here
00:56:56 will not surpass the storm of 1900...
00:57:00 when 6,000 people lost their lives-
00:57:03 nuns, orphans washed out to sea.
00:57:08 This is Hartman Hughes in Galveston...
00:57:12 in the middle of a mild storm...
00:57:16 reporting from the edge.
00:57:19 All right. Good work.
00:57:23 - Good job.
00:57:26 - Holy shit! There's Mary!
00:57:31 - You know, you're an asshole!
00:57:36 You know what? I love dressing up. I do.
00:57:38 But, guys, those panties are short on sparkle.
00:57:41 Thank the good Lord for the BeDazzler.
00:57:46 Guys? Hold on!
00:57:50 - Oh, crap!
00:57:55 Okay, reverse! Reverse!
00:57:57 The car won't start! Reverse doesn't work!
00:57:59 - Oh, my God!
00:58:01 - I can't! It's stalled!
00:58:04 It will not start. What are we gonna do?
00:58:08 Okay, okay. Uh- Uh-
00:58:09 - Crap!
00:58:11 - Okay. Okay.
00:58:14 Guys, come on!
00:58:15 - My shoe!
00:58:17 Ow, ow, ow!
00:58:25 Come on! Keep running!
00:58:28 - Come on!
00:58:31 Everybody get in!
00:58:35 It's blocked!
00:58:37 We're gonna be okay though.
00:58:39 Yea! Ponchos!
00:58:41 Yes. No such thing as too prepared
00:58:45 Oh!
00:58:47 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
00:58:49 Oh.
00:58:51 Oh. Oh! Oh!
00:58:54 Insecta Hemiptera
00:58:56 Cicada.
00:58:58 This species only comes around every 17 years!
00:59:00 Add these very, very smart
00:59:04 it's like a once-in-a-lifetime natural miracle!
00:59:07 - Do you know how lucky we are?
00:59:18 Shit!
00:59:22 Curse words.
00:59:24 Swearing, profanity, expletives-a good old cuss.
00:59:27 Maybe these words aren't
00:59:30 such as crosswords or kindergarten...
00:59:32 but when amongst friends and in a sewer...
00:59:36 it's perfectly acceptable
00:59:47 My car.
01:00:03 - Storm's over. What else is happening?
01:00:04 Hey, Chris, any celebrities
01:00:07 Give me the phone.
01:00:09 Angus, how in the hell
01:00:12 - Please, give us another chance. - If you
01:00:16 - Please, sir, I- - Get me downed street signs,
01:00:19 whatever.
01:00:20 And then I want you all in my office
01:00:23 Sir, I'm sorry, sir, I-
01:00:25 They're through, all of them. Finished.
01:00:28 Find out if Vasquez is happy at NNC.
01:00:32 We need to go shoot some B-roll
01:00:35 I'm not scared of love.
01:00:37 I went on one date with her, Mom.
01:00:39 B- roll?
01:00:42 A complete waste of my handsome gifts.
01:00:45 Where's a decent tragedy
01:01:01 Who wants to go forward?
01:01:05 Hey, kids. Who's ready for some fun?
01:01:25 No!
01:01:27 You can knit this handy purse.
01:01:29 - But my favorite project-
01:01:31 Breaking news from Silver Plume, Colorado.
01:01:34 A group of hearing-impaired children
01:01:39 - Yeah, I just heard.
01:01:41 What?
01:01:44 - ... blissfully unaware of what lay ahead.
01:01:47 There's no word yet on injuries, John...
01:01:49 but we are getting reports
01:01:52 to try and rescue those poor deaf children...
01:01:55 before the ground collapses on top of them.
01:01:57 - Judy, John, back to you.
01:02:00 Angus, where'd you get those?
01:02:02 - Hmm?
01:02:06 - Think she poisoned our chips?
01:02:09 Huh? Did you buy them? I didn't buy them.
01:02:12 Did you buy-
01:02:15 You know, poisoning is the number
01:02:18 Are you kidding me?
01:02:20 - Nope.
01:02:22 Everything's gotta go out.
01:02:25 Give a hoot. Don't pollute.
01:02:34 - I'm sorry.
01:02:37 You know, my old man was
01:02:41 Hard to fill those boots, huh?
01:02:43 Got killed before I ever had a chance
01:02:48 Yeah, if I ever get that anchor desk...
01:02:50 he's gonna be really proud of me in heaven.
01:02:53 Well, looks like we found
01:02:56 Holy shit. There's Mary.
01:02:59 Oh, my God! Oh, come on!
01:03:01 Oh, my God. It's Steve. Steve.
01:03:03 Steve.
01:03:06 - What are you doing? What?
01:03:09 What are you writing?
01:03:11 I'm making some notes! Leave me alone!
01:03:13 - Stop it! - No way!
01:03:15 Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
01:03:18 Oh, Jesus! She's got a machete!
01:03:21 Oh, man! She's gonna pluck my eyes out, man!
01:03:23 She is gonna carve my eyes out
01:03:26 I swear to God.
01:03:29 Oh, my God! She's gonna cut my feet off!
01:03:31 I'm not gonna be able to walk!
01:03:34 She's gonna make you eat your legs?
01:03:36 - Yeah, I read about it!
01:03:38 What, some sort of pimento leg loaf?
01:03:40 Hey! You think this is funny?
01:03:43 - I know it's not the same thing as-
01:03:46 Just shut up! Just shut the heck up!
01:03:48 - I swear to-
01:03:53 Jesus! Where do I begin?
01:03:55 Hartman, for the love of God, stop tanning.
01:04:00 You look like a Cheese Nip!
01:04:01 You look like an orange with lips!
01:04:04 You look like a wrinkled peach!
01:04:07 And you! Geraldo! Lose the wig!
01:04:11 You look like a retired porn star.
01:04:13 Who you fooling?
01:04:17 The van's the same, dumb-ass!
01:04:21 Mary is not a psycho. You're the psycho.
01:04:25 She's just a smart girl with red boots.
01:04:37 That's good work, Angus.
01:04:40 I knew you had some balls in those Underoos.
01:04:45 Okay. Ooh. Okay.
01:04:47 "Deaf kids in a mine. Silver Plume.
01:04:49 Please 'meat' me. "
01:04:54 "Meat. "
01:04:59 "Please meat" - M-E-A-T.
01:05:03 "Please meat me there. XO, Steve. "
01:05:09 See? He needs me,
01:05:16 You know what one of my favorite ingredients
01:05:21 If you quit a puzzle, you can't finish it.
01:05:25 Sure, every once in a while,
01:05:27 that you don't think you could ever solve
01:05:29 but if you stick with it, you figure it out.
01:05:36 Eventually.
01:05:41 Worst thing you can do is leave it unfinished.
01:05:46 It's never the solution, is it?
01:05:49 - You know what my
01:05:55 When you realize you know something
01:05:59 Maybe.
01:06:03 To Colorado then?
01:06:05 - # You got all the sugar#
01:06:10 # You'll ever need ##
01:06:15 Hey, people, back it up!
01:06:17 This ground can collapse at any time,
01:06:20 Here we go, guys. Start lowering him down.
01:06:27 Vasquez.
01:06:29 Hey, what's he doing with his hands?
01:06:36 Son of a bitch.
01:06:38 I haven't had my big moment yet,
01:06:41 They're all okay!
01:06:46 All right, on three.
01:06:49 Three, two, one.
01:06:51 Elation here in Colorado...
01:06:54 and yet danger lurking at every corner...
01:06:57 as rescuers bring the "besmudged"
01:07:04 Thank God they're all right.
01:07:08 Thank you, God.
01:07:23 That's the last of them!
01:07:31 He's out.
01:07:35 The last child is now rescued...
01:07:37 with the parents rejoicing
01:07:39 Wait. Wait a minute.
01:07:42 - Oh!
01:07:44 The heavy crane is actually shaking.
01:07:59 Yes, it's dangerous there.
01:08:02 What happened?
01:08:04 I don't know...
01:08:06 I don't know...
01:08:08 A happy ending, and yet parents
01:08:12 "Is my family in danger
01:08:15 Is my backyard an abandoned mine?"
01:08:18 Danger's passed!
01:08:21 Thank God they're all safe.
01:08:23 Is that him?
01:08:25 Yeah.
01:08:33 Well. "Truth is truth, to the end of reckoning. "
01:08:37 Shakespeare.
01:08:48 And I say to these complete strangers-
01:08:55 - Bye.
01:09:07 ...one that has left parents
01:09:10 "How do I keep my family safe
01:09:13 "Is my bedroom-and more to the point-
01:09:16 Holy shit.
01:09:17 "my king-sized bed- on top
01:09:20 "Is my child's school built
01:09:24 - Are abandoned mines always unsafe?"
01:09:27 - Mary's in the hole.
01:09:30 Somebody else went in!
01:09:33 Cut! Get over there!
01:09:35 - Get back from the tape now!
01:09:37 Come on, handheld. Come on, let's go!
01:09:39 Did somebody fall in the mine?
01:09:44 Tell her help is on the way.
01:09:47 We just need her to confirm she's conscious.
01:09:49 Here. Give me that.
01:09:51 All rescue personnel on scene...
01:09:53 apparently we have another victim
01:10:13 Okay, I am not afraid.
01:10:16 I'm not afraid, nor am I affrightened.
01:10:20 Okay.
01:10:28 Uh-
01:10:30 Hello!
01:10:32 It is me, Mary Horowitz.
01:10:34 Yes, I seem to have fallen into the mine.
01:10:38 Hello? Everyone?
01:10:41 It's, uh, me, Mary Horowitz. Hello?
01:10:44 People, please move back.
01:10:47 - Back up! Back it up.
01:10:50 So she just dove in that hole, like a gopher.
01:10:54 No, dude, not like a gopher.
01:10:57 She was running after me,
01:11:00 That's the way to get
01:11:02 That shot of Steve's girlfriend
01:11:05 We've got the inside advantage here,
01:11:08 Get Steve ready to go on
01:11:10 as soon as we get the graphics together.
01:11:13 Fifteen minutes.
01:11:15 - Here he comes!
01:11:18 Can you comment on the rumors that Mary's fall
01:11:22 Well-That's ridiculous. Not our Mary.
01:11:25 The word "depression" is not in her vocabulary.
01:11:29 All right, obviously it is in her vocabulary.
01:11:33 But no. No.
01:11:35 She-She never lets anything get her down.
01:11:37 Still living at home at her age-
01:11:40 Not normal?
01:11:42 We-We love having her here.
01:11:43 Sir, I'd like to ask another question.
01:11:45 - Yes. Yes, we love having her here.
01:11:48 Fumigation can't be rushed.
01:11:51 One more question!
01:11:54 Now, I don't wanna speculate here...
01:11:56 - but if the ground did collapse...
01:11:58 could that not result in death...
01:12:00 or, at the absolute least,
01:12:04 I don't wanna speculate either,
01:12:09 And as we await the tragic
01:12:12 attention now on the boots she was wearing
01:12:15 a story I couldn't tell
01:12:19 Take a look.
01:12:20 It's hour one, and it's as if
01:12:27 We're at the two-hour mark,
01:12:31 Oh!
01:12:34 Light source.
01:12:37 "A nd God said, 'L et there be...
01:12:41 light. "'
01:12:51 Oh. Voilà. Yes.
01:12:54 Yes, it's perfect. Yes. This is per-
01:12:58 Ah! Oh!
01:13:00 Oh, my God. They forgot one.
01:13:04 You scared the crap out of me.
01:13:08 Hi. I'm -I'm sorry.
01:13:11 Uh, can you, uh-
01:13:14 Can you- Can you hear me? I mean, at all?
01:13:19 Do you have sensory-neural hearing loss...
01:13:21 or do you have conductive?
01:13:23 Because if-if it-
01:13:26 She doesn't hear me. Okay.
01:13:28 You know, I understand
01:13:30 so if you wanna-you know? No? Okay.
01:13:33 Um, "Deaf people can do anything
01:13:36 Do you know who said that?
01:13:38 Dr. Jordan-
01:13:42 Yeah. Maybe you'll go there one day.
01:13:45 If we both don't perish in here.
01:13:49 Hold on. I'll be right back.
01:13:55 Well, Paula, apparently they're gonna
01:13:58 a piece of paper, a number two pencil.
01:14:01 This is Hartman Hughes reporting from the edge.
01:14:03 Cut. Corbitt wants you on next.
01:14:05 I told you I am not her boyfriend, Angus.
01:14:08 Yeah, but you're the one that encouraged her
01:14:10 - You're the one that asked her to come here,
01:14:13 NNC has got their hands
01:14:16 - What?
01:14:18 - Yes.
01:14:25 Behold, notice of our imminent rescue.
01:14:28 Oh, okay. Okay.
01:14:30 This is good news. This is good news, okay?
01:14:33 They're going to tell us something wonderful.
01:14:36 And it says, "Mary, are you" -
01:14:40 Oh.
01:14:48 That's a good sign right there.
01:14:50 Oh, God!
01:14:55 What's it say, son?
01:14:58 Millions of people are watching.
01:15:00 Um, okay.
01:15:02 "I think you mean, am I conscious?
01:15:07 "'Conscious'means alert and awake.
01:15:10 "'Conscience' is your inner morality gauge...
01:15:13 "you know, the thing
01:15:16 e. g., killing, stealing,
01:15:20 Can we leave her down there?
01:15:22 "To answer your question, yes, I am conscious.
01:15:25 "My leg is bleeding, though I'll probably live.
01:15:28 - Yours truly, Mary Horowitz. "
01:15:31 "P.S. Did anyone lose a little deaf girl?
01:15:34 I found one. She's fine,
01:15:40 They missed a child? Can't these people count?
01:15:43 Thank God for this woman Mary Horowitz.
01:15:45 Let's bring up that picture of her again.
01:15:48 Yesterday, Mary Horowitz.
01:15:50 Today, Mary Horowitz- hero.
01:15:53 - This just in-
01:15:55 speculation as to whether or not Mary
01:15:59 to save the poor deaf child...
01:16:01 after rescuers ignored her
01:16:05 Paula, I'm here with Steve Muller.
01:16:07 Steve's girlfriend, Mary Horowitz...
01:16:09 struggling for her life
01:16:13 She's not my girlfriend, and I'm not
01:16:17 Yeah, and the truth is
01:16:19 Mary Horowitz,
01:16:22 These words also described
01:16:26 However, you never know about these people.
01:16:29 But people deserve to know the truth about her.
01:16:35 I mean, she sees things that other people don't.
01:16:38 And she's kind, and-
01:16:42 even though, when she does things,
01:16:48 And she's smart. She's supersmart.
01:16:50 And not in a freakish way. In-
01:16:53 Like, she has a gift.
01:16:56 everything but whom not to trust
01:17:03 and how to survive us.
01:17:08 And she doesn't pretend to be
01:17:13 And she certainly doesn't
01:17:17 Maybe if I just do this, I can-
01:17:19 Uh-oh.
01:17:26 Yeah. The tracks down there just-
01:17:29 just keep going and going down and-
01:17:31 - If we just concentrate
01:17:36 But not to- not to worry.
01:17:38 I'll- I'll get us out of here.
01:17:42 Hope that crane gets here soon.
01:17:45 I hope so too.
01:17:47 'Cause if there's carbon monoxide down there-
01:17:49 But the air's coming through the top.
01:17:51 Even at concentrations of five ppm,
01:18:02 I am so sorry.
01:18:09 She has stolen a little piece of my heart.
01:18:14 - What'd the site engineer say? - The stress
01:18:18 The longer they're down there,
01:18:21 They thought the air quality was bad...
01:18:23 try a 50-foot span of rock and earth
01:18:25 Oh, Jesus.
01:18:26 That's a bunch of horseshit.
01:18:29 Odds are she won't. We gotta go on.
01:18:32 What are we gonna say?
01:18:34 Her whole family is watching, Angus. Christ.
01:18:37 - I'll be back in a minute.
01:18:39 All right, two minutes. That's it.
01:18:41 Some blind date, huh?
01:18:46 Here's a candle.
01:18:50 Hi, Winston.
01:18:54 I think I'll feel better
01:19:03 I'm making an apple head for Mary
01:19:07 - And she's gonna get out.
01:19:11 # Why life, it seems to be #
01:19:18 - This one's gonna work.
01:19:24 # Like you and me #
01:19:27 Rescuers are desperate
01:19:31 Helicopters are out of the question
01:19:35 Hope is fading fast.
01:19:37 The earth tremors
01:19:41 # Is everywhere ##
01:19:47 The other side. Oh!
01:19:49 Ouch too.
01:19:59 I can't do this. I can't get us out of here.
01:20:08 Guess what.
01:20:10 Mary Horowitz doesn't have the answers.
01:20:13 Or a job.
01:20:19 And-And my job mattered!
01:20:24 I was the Sacramento Herald's
01:20:28 and I threw it all away- for what?
01:20:36 "Mary, Steve wants you to come be with us.
01:20:39 Really? Methinks the media lies.
01:20:43 A little.
01:20:46 Words, people. Words.
01:20:50 There are meaningful words,
01:20:53 and then there are words that hurt.
01:21:00 "Mary, why can't you be like every other girl?"
01:21:04 "Mary, where do you get
01:21:08 "Mary, why do you talk like that?"
01:21:10 "Mary, Mary!" You know, it's just-just-
01:21:13 Oh, oh! Oh! Oh!
01:21:15 And the pièce de résistance, yes.
01:21:18 "Mary, why do you wear
01:21:22 You wanna know why? Huh?
01:21:24 Do you wanna know why?
01:21:27 I wear them because they make my toes feel...
01:21:30 like 10 friends on a camping trip.
01:21:34 That's why I wear them.
01:21:41 We're finished.
01:21:43 The ground is gonna collapse.
01:21:47 I just wanna go home.
01:21:53 Sorry.
01:22:00 "I don't know what you're saying,
01:22:04 I know.
01:22:11 I know.
01:22:28 Ma'am, I'm sorry.
01:22:31 - Hughes!
01:22:34 You wrote the note telling Mary to come here.
01:22:38 You brought her here. And if she dies-
01:22:47 This is just a fence.
01:22:50 Being on that side of it
01:22:59 You did that.
01:23:02 ...cheated on her taxes-
01:23:04 Does she think herself some kind of superhero?
01:23:07 Mary-
01:23:11 she did this.
01:24:10 He was my ticket to normal.
01:24:14 Yeah.
01:24:15 "Why would you want to be normal?"
01:24:21 I don't. I don't.
01:24:27 These will keep you warm.
01:24:30 Yeah.
01:24:32 "Maybe someone will figure out how to save us. "
01:24:42 Maybe. Maybe.
01:24:50 Say that again.
01:24:54 "Maybe someone" -
01:25:00 "Maybe. " "Maybe. "
01:25:08 Little deaf girl,
01:25:14 Why aren't they doing anything?
01:25:18 How much- How much do you weigh?
01:25:24 Fifty pounds, give or take? Okay.
01:25:28 See.
01:25:32 Okay, just get it right down here.
01:25:35 Just get all over the joints.
01:25:37 When I got kicked out of Girl Scouts...
01:25:39 and all the other girls were
01:25:41 I was at home- ow- reading physics books.
01:25:45 Voilà.
01:25:48 Hartman.
01:25:52 It's my fault Mary's in the hole.
01:25:54 But like Patton said...
01:25:56 "A bad plan violently executed today...
01:25:59 is better than a great plan tomorrow. "
01:26:07 So, I'm gonna pull the lever,
01:26:09 and up we go, okay?
01:26:14 I'm coming, Mary Horowitz! I'm coming!
01:26:17 I'm coming to save you!
01:26:20 What the-
01:26:24 One, two-
01:26:33 Oh! Okay! Pretty good drop.
01:26:37 You guys doing all right?
01:26:39 Mm-hmm. But we were just on-on, you know-
01:26:43 Something just touched me! Something bit me!
01:26:46 Something- Help!
01:26:50 There's something in that water.
01:26:52 Something ni-nibbled at my leg.
01:26:55 Hartman Hughes just jumped-
01:27:00 Grabbing on to a hose
01:27:02 he literally dove right into the mine.
01:27:05 All eyes now not only on Mary Horowitz...
01:27:08 but also CCN reporter Hartman Hughes.
01:27:13 Why the hell didn't I think of that?
01:27:15 Did you check the perimeter for spiders?
01:27:20 Uh, yes. Yes, I did.
01:27:23 It's really... scary down here.
01:27:30 You know, if my old man could see me now.
01:27:37 I'm sorry.
01:27:40 I mean, I got you into this.
01:27:43 I'm sorry.
01:27:45 Thanks.
01:27:52 Um, how much do you weigh?
01:27:57 And as this pulls back and pulls us upwards...
01:28:01 I'll be cradling her here,
01:28:05 Maybe you-you would like
01:28:11 No, no. It's your plan,
01:28:18 - I'd like to take the credit.
01:28:21 - I don't know.
01:28:25 Did you see the cable just move?
01:28:27 Get the camera right now.
01:28:29 We- Steve!
01:28:31 You! Sir!
01:28:33 That cable's moving. Looks like they're coming
01:28:35 - We're doing everything we can.
01:28:41 - Foot in the stirrup?
01:28:42 - Okay.
01:28:44 - All right.
01:28:48 - You ready?
01:28:50 - Yeah. I just hope this works.
01:28:53 - Hold on.
01:28:55 Oh. Thank you. Appreciate that.
01:28:58 Thank you. I'm camera-ready.
01:29:01 Okay. All right.
01:29:02 Okay.
01:29:04 Three, two, one.
01:29:12 Iflife is like a crossword puzzle...
01:29:14 then its worth, its greatness,
01:29:20 Is it solvable?
01:29:22 The crane is beginning to tilt over.
01:29:24 I think they're coming up!
01:29:26 Is it entertaining?
01:29:35 Does it sparkle?
01:29:37 There they are!
01:29:39 They're safe!
01:29:43 - Oh, my God! Mary!
01:29:45 It's her!
01:29:49 Whoo!
01:29:56 - They're safe!
01:30:01 # No love, pride, deep-fried chicken #
01:30:05 # Your best friend always stickin'up for you #
01:30:10 - # Even when I know you're wrong #
01:30:14 Come on, pull! Let's go!
01:30:24 Hartman Hughes!
01:30:26 There's Hartman Hughes.
01:30:28 Hartman, Mary Horowitz and the deaf child.
01:30:32 Everything feels so wonderful.
01:30:34 Looks like we're gonna have to
01:30:36 Our own Hartman Hughes
01:30:38 risking his own life
01:30:41 and an unidentified little girl.
01:30:43 Truly, folks, this is unbelievable.
01:30:45 I'm gonna have to make that idiot anchor.
01:30:47 There you go. You okay?
01:30:50 Mary, what are you wearing?
01:30:52 - Um, I'm-I'm gonna go.
01:30:55 - Thanks, Mary.
01:30:57 - Hey.
01:31:00 - Have a nice life.
01:31:02 How did you know
01:31:04 Mary, what happened to your boots?
01:31:06 Are you a true blonde?
01:31:09 - Mary. Are you okay?
01:31:11 Uh, a few lacerations...
01:31:13 but I was able to tourniquet them off
01:31:15 I never should've said anything to you
01:31:21 Uh, I'm sorry.
01:31:28 Um-
01:31:31 - Oh.
01:31:33 Thank you for the loan.
01:31:35 You're welcome.
01:31:38 I have to go.
01:31:45 - Okay.
01:31:48 Bye.
01:31:52 Mary?
01:31:56 Don't ever change- for anybody.
01:32:01 I'm Jewish-Catholic.
01:32:03 I'm pretty much set in stone.
01:32:07 - We love you!
01:32:10 Mary! Mary! Mary!
01:32:29 Oh, my goodness!
01:32:34 Mary, any statement at all? Anything?
01:32:39 You're okay!
01:32:43 I missed you guys so much! Oh, God!
01:32:48 Mary Horowitz.
01:32:54 Angus. Let's finish this.
01:32:59 - Hughes. Hartman Hughes.
01:33:01 Hey! Get in here!
01:33:04 Ah. It's good to see you guys.
01:33:06 - Come here, Steve. Come on, buddy.
01:33:08 Good to see you. Okay, all right.
01:33:10 - Come on. Confessional.
01:33:13 Hartman Hughes,
01:33:18 What does it feel like to be a hero?
01:33:20 I'm not a hero.
01:33:22 I'm a humble guy who's lucky to be alive.
01:33:25 And, uh, I think any hardworking...
01:33:29 patriotic American
01:33:32 once he knew, uh, there was
01:33:35 and a good-looking lady, single, huh?
01:33:43 New York Times
01:33:45 "We have a natural compulsion
01:33:49 I like to think he means notjust crosswords...
01:33:53 but the empty spaces inside of us...
01:33:55 that come from making your way
01:34:01 I tried to fill my empty spaces
01:34:08 We love you!
01:34:10 But that wasn't the answer.
01:34:13 Now I know.
01:34:15 On thejourney oflife...
01:34:17 just find someone as normal as you-
01:34:20 if not a whole bunch.
01:34:25 Oh. And here's a little bit of fresh
01:34:29 If you love someone, set him free.
01:34:31 If you have to stalk him,
01:34:36 #My face to the sky #
01:34:38 # Dreaming aboutjust how high
01:34:42 # And if I'll know when I finally get there #
01:34:45 # Taking off my glasses #
01:34:48 # Sun pokes through my lashes #
01:34:51 # Somehow I know #
01:34:52 # There's a time for every star to shine #
01:34:57 # Everybody got their something #
01:35:00 # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #
01:35:04 # Everybody got their something #
01:35:06 # Everybody got their something #
01:35:10 # Hey, hey
01:35:13 # People keepin'score #
01:35:15 # Better hurry up and get yours #
01:35:18 # Somebody else got your spot #
01:35:20 # Before you even dropped #
01:35:22 # Seek and you shall find #
01:35:25 # Everything in my own sweet time #
01:35:28 # I'll take my chances
01:35:31 # Busy holding on #
01:35:33 # So the roof don't fly #
01:35:36 # Keep you from moving on #
01:35:38 # So get it right
01:35:40 # Like a love song #
01:35:42 # Like a butterfly #
01:35:45 # Believe if you hand it over#
01:35:47 # You'll come out all right #
01:35:50 # Yeah, yeah #
01:35:52 # Everybody got their something #
01:35:56 # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #
01:35:59 # Everybody got their something #
01:36:02 - # Everybody got their something #
01:36:06 # Yeah-ah-ah-ah #
01:36:11 # Hey, hey
01:36:16 - # Uh-huh #
01:36:18 # Illuminate the silly things #
01:36:20 # Shed some light on all that's wrong #
01:36:22 # Everybody need it sometime #
01:36:25 # Sometimes the only thing you got #
01:36:27 # Is what makes you feel like #
01:36:29 # You're somethin'else altogether#
01:36:32 # You have everything #
01:36:34 # Don't need another reason to be something #
01:36:36 # I've been on a ride #
01:36:39 # And caught up in the landslide #
01:36:43 # But I'm gonna spread my wings and fly #
01:36:46 # Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, yeah #
01:36:50 # Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah #
01:36:55 - # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #
01:36:59 - # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah #
01:37:04 # Everybody got their something #
01:37:06 # Everybody got their something #
01:37:10 # Make you smile like an itty-bitty child #
01:37:13 - # Everybody got their something #
01:37:16 - # Everybody got their something, yeah #
01:37:20 # Yeah-ah
01:37:25 # Yeah-ah-ah-ah, hey #
01:37:30 # Uh-huh #
01:37:41 # There's a time for every star#
01:37:46 # There's a time for every star#
01:37:50 # There's a time for every star#
01:37:55 # There's a time for every star#
01:38:00 # There's a time for every star#
01:38:04 # There's a time for every star#
01:38:09 # There's a time for every star#
01:38:13 # There's a time for every star#
01:38:18 # There's a time for every star, yeah #
01:38:44 I'm the news!