|
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
|
| 00:00:06 |
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Attention all units, |
| 00:00:10 |
742 Summit Drive. Screaming heard from |
| 00:00:15 |
5-4-3-0, show us responding. |
| 00:00:18 |
We'll be on scene in under a minute. |
| 00:00:20 |
Additional person reporting |
| 00:00:22 |
Hit it, man. Let's go. |
| 00:00:24 |
[SIREN WAILING] |
| 00:00:33 |
COP 1: What the hell is that? |
| 00:00:36 |
COP 1: It's here. |
| 00:00:40 |
[WOMAN MOANING] |
| 00:00:42 |
COP 1: Stop. |
| 00:00:45 |
I said, move away. |
| 00:00:47 |
I said, move away. |
| 00:00:49 |
COP 2: Miss, it's okay. |
| 00:00:52 |
WOMAN: |
| 00:00:54 |
What are you doing, man? |
| 00:00:57 |
I didn't do anything. |
| 00:00:59 |
COP 1: |
| 00:01:01 |
I am deaf. Can you hear me? |
| 00:01:03 |
-Hey, partner. |
| 00:01:05 |
-You gotta look at this. |
| 00:01:07 |
-Fuck. |
| 00:01:09 |
He wasn't raping me, he was fucking me. |
| 00:01:14 |
Goddamn. |
| 00:01:15 |
I was about to come. |
| 00:01:50 |
You ever fuck a deaf chick? |
| 00:01:53 |
Of course not. |
| 00:01:55 |
WOMAN: Are you getting excited? |
| 00:01:57 |
You only have 9 days left. |
| 00:01:59 |
No, I'm not nervous, but.... |
| 00:02:01 |
I tell you what, |
| 00:02:03 |
I spent last night, all last night... |
| 00:02:05 |
looking at books and magazines |
| 00:02:09 |
I love big weddings. |
| 00:02:10 |
I don't know how people do it. |
| 00:02:14 |
Yeah? I was unaware that gay marriages |
| 00:02:17 |
Yeah. |
| 00:02:19 |
What? |
| 00:02:20 |
Raise your hand |
| 00:02:25 |
Bullshit. You hooked up with a deaf girl? |
| 00:02:27 |
What, you're deaf now too? |
| 00:02:29 |
Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl. |
| 00:02:36 |
Didn't you hook up with a mute girl |
| 00:02:39 |
That makes you 2/3rds of the way |
| 00:02:41 |
Dude, you have no idea. |
| 00:02:44 |
[IMITATING DEAF PERSON] |
| 00:02:45 |
Fucking.... |
| 00:02:46 |
I almost shit myself when those cops |
| 00:02:50 |
PROFESSOR: |
| 00:02:51 |
-What is your take on this issue? |
| 00:02:55 |
Are you not paying attention Mr. Max? |
| 00:02:57 |
No, I wasn't. I apologize. I was busy talking |
| 00:03:02 |
PROFESSOR: |
| 00:03:04 |
And oddly appropriate. |
| 00:03:06 |
Do you or do you not feel that little people |
| 00:03:10 |
You mean midgets? |
| 00:03:11 |
No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets. |
| 00:03:14 |
"Midget" is an antiquated |
| 00:03:17 |
What are we protecting them from, |
| 00:03:21 |
Like an endangered species? |
| 00:03:22 |
-Really? Poachers? |
| 00:03:25 |
Well, sir, dwarfism is already |
| 00:03:29 |
So your point is kind of moot. |
| 00:03:31 |
Now, if you're asking me if I agree, |
| 00:03:33 |
There are so many kinds of little people. |
| 00:03:36 |
There are the ones who are just shorter and |
| 00:03:40 |
There are those dwarves with giant heads |
| 00:03:44 |
Now, is there a reasonable accommodation |
| 00:03:48 |
...that doesn't qualify him |
| 00:03:51 |
-I don't think so. |
| 00:03:55 |
I figure it's like riding a roller coaster. |
| 00:03:57 |
You must be this high |
| 00:04:00 |
[STUDENTS CHUCKLE] |
| 00:04:01 |
Very funny, Mr. Max. |
| 00:04:03 |
What if I told you I just finished |
| 00:04:06 |
...that involved a gentlemen's club |
| 00:04:09 |
...the employment of a dancer |
| 00:04:12 |
You represented a midget stripper? |
| 00:04:15 |
-Was she hot? |
| 00:04:19 |
If you're genuinely interested in the case, |
| 00:04:24 |
In the meantime, let's remember |
| 00:04:28 |
...not Adult Friend Finder. |
| 00:04:31 |
Touché, I will shut up now. |
| 00:04:35 |
Dude, so you ready |
| 00:04:39 |
Locked and loaded. |
| 00:04:40 |
Good. I'm gonna go get Drew. |
| 00:04:45 |
Oh, I guess I'll just finish up here for you. |
| 00:04:50 |
[WEAPONS FIRING ON |
| 00:04:53 |
DREW: Energy sword. |
| 00:05:07 |
Pick up that energy sword one more time, |
| 00:05:14 |
[PHONE RINGING] |
| 00:05:16 |
-Hello. |
| 00:05:18 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:05:19 |
Punishing unethical behavior. |
| 00:05:22 |
All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man. |
| 00:05:24 |
[HEADSET BEEPS] |
| 00:05:26 |
Here comes your object lesson. |
| 00:05:28 |
VOICE: |
| 00:05:36 |
[GROANS] |
| 00:05:38 |
Fucker. |
| 00:05:58 |
Are those tampons? |
| 00:06:00 |
Fuck. |
| 00:06:02 |
"Take whatever you want. |
| 00:06:06 |
Jesus. |
| 00:06:11 |
Wow, look at this place. |
| 00:06:20 |
You ready, dude? |
| 00:06:23 |
What are you talking about? |
| 00:06:26 |
-We're going to the bar. I told you. |
| 00:06:30 |
I just wait for you to stop talking |
| 00:06:38 |
Did Sarah call yet? |
| 00:06:40 |
No. She probably has trouble |
| 00:06:44 |
Fuck, man. |
| 00:06:46 |
This cartoon is disturbingly hot. |
| 00:06:48 |
Can you imagine a threesome |
| 00:06:50 |
I can imagine them both cheating on me. |
| 00:06:53 |
-They're cartoons, dude. |
| 00:06:57 |
Diamonds are worthless, |
| 00:07:01 |
...by the tramps you've brainwashed |
| 00:07:05 |
Guess what, sluts. |
| 00:07:06 |
Your quest for the perfect princess cut |
| 00:07:10 |
Congratulations, your avarice |
| 00:07:18 |
Sarah kept the ring? |
| 00:07:20 |
I hope you die in a fire. |
| 00:07:23 |
You act like you're the first person |
| 00:07:26 |
It happens to everybody, even me. |
| 00:07:28 |
Oh, yeah? Does everyone walk in |
| 00:07:33 |
DREW: |
| 00:07:35 |
-How they do. |
| 00:07:37 |
Yeah, buddy. Grillionaire in the house. |
| 00:07:40 |
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good |
| 00:07:44 |
The most rewarding part |
| 00:07:48 |
...is your ability to find amusement |
| 00:07:51 |
It's not that bad, dude. |
| 00:07:54 |
You always get stuck in these cycles. |
| 00:07:56 |
When you get depressed like this... |
| 00:07:58 |
...you need to ask yourself, |
| 00:08:02 |
And then you go out and you do that. |
| 00:08:04 |
I already know what you would do. |
| 00:08:06 |
And I have no desire to get HIV |
| 00:08:11 |
...into whom you shoot your emotional pain |
| 00:08:14 |
HIV is basically curable now. |
| 00:08:15 |
It doesn't even show up |
| 00:08:19 |
Are you saying that Magic Johnson |
| 00:08:25 |
...and has it better than me? |
| 00:08:30 |
WOMAN: Yeah, I love children. |
| 00:08:32 |
Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work |
| 00:08:35 |
-Really? |
| 00:08:37 |
Are you kidding me? I love kids. |
| 00:08:39 |
-I can't wait to have more. |
| 00:08:42 |
-Yep. I do. |
| 00:08:43 |
He does. They're just all in the compost |
| 00:08:48 |
If you do stem-cell research, |
| 00:08:52 |
All right, this is my boy. |
| 00:08:55 |
-All right. |
| 00:08:57 |
Perhaps. |
| 00:08:59 |
Who says romance is dead? |
| 00:09:01 |
How can you hate women... |
| 00:09:02 |
...yet at the same time |
| 00:09:05 |
-It makes no sense. |
| 00:09:07 |
I can assert |
| 00:09:11 |
Do me a favor. |
| 00:09:14 |
It's disrespectful, okay? |
| 00:09:17 |
-Excuse me? |
| 00:09:19 |
Oh, I heard you, hero. |
| 00:09:23 |
-I didn't know she belonged to you. |
| 00:09:26 |
Here's another figure of speech: |
| 00:09:30 |
I'm sorry I've accomplished more |
| 00:09:33 |
than you have in 2 years, |
| 00:09:36 |
Or maybe she rubs her crotch |
| 00:09:39 |
-Probably. |
| 00:09:41 |
-It's time for you to get us another drink. |
| 00:09:45 |
Could you just go ahead |
| 00:09:48 |
Can you get me another beer for--? |
| 00:09:50 |
-Actually, another 2 beers for table 6. |
| 00:09:53 |
All right. |
| 00:09:56 |
What the eff, Leslie? |
| 00:09:59 |
Okay, come on, fuck stick. Let's do this. |
| 00:10:01 |
DAN: |
| 00:10:06 |
You think you're tough? |
| 00:10:08 |
No. |
| 00:10:09 |
Just tougher than you. |
| 00:10:11 |
Tell your friend I know Brazilian jiujutsu. |
| 00:10:13 |
He wants to make out. |
| 00:10:20 |
Why is he twitching? |
| 00:10:22 |
Listen, we need to discuss |
| 00:10:25 |
This should be good. |
| 00:10:27 |
No, seriously, the strip club |
| 00:10:29 |
It's dirty and decrepit... |
| 00:10:31 |
...and the girls have personalities |
| 00:10:34 |
Personalities? |
| 00:10:38 |
Some of us actually enjoy |
| 00:10:40 |
Oh, yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay. |
| 00:10:44 |
Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't |
| 00:10:48 |
Wait a second. You wanna touch |
| 00:10:51 |
Well, what do you wanna do, Dan? |
| 00:10:54 |
This is a fucking bachelor party. |
| 00:10:56 |
What did you have in mind? |
| 00:10:57 |
All right. Thank you very much. |
| 00:10:59 |
A short 3?hour drive away |
| 00:11:04 |
You know what, I'm sorry, |
| 00:11:06 |
This isn't just some strip club. |
| 00:11:08 |
This is the Super Bowl |
| 00:11:10 |
We've been to strip clubs before. |
| 00:11:12 |
Not like this one, dude. |
| 00:11:15 |
...the stripper grabs my hands |
| 00:11:18 |
Second dance, she turns around |
| 00:11:21 |
She was gorgeous and she wasn't close |
| 00:11:24 |
I used to think there was a line |
| 00:11:27 |
-Now you're telling me it's all just gray. |
| 00:11:31 |
You can full on grab their tits |
| 00:11:34 |
-They encourage it. |
| 00:11:37 |
The very best part, |
| 00:11:43 |
I would rather fellate a hot curling iron |
| 00:11:49 |
...because Tucker breastfed till he was 9. |
| 00:11:52 |
Look, sounds great, but I can't leave, |
| 00:11:55 |
I got all kinds of meetings |
| 00:11:57 |
What kind of meetings? |
| 00:11:58 |
You know, important stuff, |
| 00:12:03 |
A seating chart? |
| 00:12:05 |
I'm pretty sure |
| 00:12:09 |
Look, the wedding is next weekend, |
| 00:12:11 |
I'm not gonna leave Kristy hanging |
| 00:12:15 |
That's your issue, Tucker, not mine. |
| 00:12:16 |
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. |
| 00:12:18 |
If we stay in Richmond... |
| 00:12:20 |
we're not gonna have the |
| 00:12:23 |
for that abomination of an engagement |
| 00:12:29 |
So the tension builds. |
| 00:12:34 |
Any bingos? |
| 00:12:35 |
G, 61. |
| 00:12:37 |
Genesis chapter 6, verse 1. |
| 00:12:40 |
-Yeah, that was pretty bad. |
| 00:12:45 |
This is our last fucking gasp together |
| 00:12:51 |
I guess. |
| 00:12:53 |
Dude, you're my boys. |
| 00:12:55 |
I'm just gonna be honest with you, |
| 00:12:58 |
somebody's gonna fuck |
| 00:13:01 |
He's right. Someone will do that. |
| 00:13:04 |
What about Drew? |
| 00:13:05 |
Oh, don't drag me into this. |
| 00:13:07 |
There is a Next Generation marathon |
| 00:13:09 |
I'm more than happy |
| 00:13:12 |
He hasn't been out of his nerd hole |
| 00:13:15 |
-Drew needs this. |
| 00:13:18 |
I need this like I need hepatitis C. |
| 00:13:19 |
You need this. |
| 00:13:22 |
You need this. |
| 00:13:23 |
He needs this. I need it. |
| 00:13:25 |
We all need it. |
| 00:13:27 |
Because it's our destiny as men. |
| 00:13:30 |
There is no way |
| 00:13:33 |
But fuck it. Let's go. |
| 00:13:35 |
Done. Fuck it. |
| 00:13:39 |
-Whatever. |
| 00:13:41 |
DREW: |
| 00:13:45 |
TUCKER: Bro, make sure to tell Leslie |
| 00:13:48 |
...and she should stay away, |
| 00:13:51 |
LESLIE: Hey, see you. |
| 00:13:52 |
That's for you. |
| 00:13:55 |
I already fingered her. |
| 00:14:05 |
Remember, you're the reason we're going |
| 00:14:08 |
So put your goddamn game face on. |
| 00:14:14 |
-Let's do this. |
| 00:14:19 |
He's gonna fail |
| 00:14:27 |
-Hey, babe. |
| 00:14:29 |
What are you working on? |
| 00:14:30 |
The seating chart. |
| 00:14:32 |
Oh, yeah? |
| 00:14:33 |
Wow, looks like you're almost done. |
| 00:14:35 |
Not really. |
| 00:14:37 |
-Hey, guess who just called. |
| 00:14:39 |
My mom. |
| 00:14:40 |
What? |
| 00:14:44 |
She's coming into town early to help out. |
| 00:14:47 |
-How early? |
| 00:14:51 |
Tonight? |
| 00:14:52 |
You know she's only coming in early |
| 00:14:56 |
No, she's not. Quit being so dramatic. |
| 00:15:00 |
If she has it her way, the reception's |
| 00:15:03 |
She's pious and conservative, Dan, |
| 00:15:06 |
Probably gonna churn our own butter |
| 00:15:10 |
My parents are paying for this entire |
| 00:15:13 |
Come on, babe. |
| 00:15:15 |
I just don't want her |
| 00:15:18 |
It's my day too. |
| 00:15:19 |
All right, Groomzilla. |
| 00:15:21 |
Oh, whoa. |
| 00:15:22 |
Don't Groomzilla me. Those squirrel hunters |
| 00:15:26 |
landed on the front lawn |
| 00:15:31 |
What's taking him so long? |
| 00:15:33 |
He's talking to a woman. |
| 00:15:38 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:15:39 |
Packing. |
| 00:15:41 |
For what? |
| 00:15:42 |
I'm going to Salem with Tucker and Drew |
| 00:15:45 |
-I thought you were staying. |
| 00:15:48 |
Tucker knows about a great strip club |
| 00:15:50 |
Oh, good for Tucker. |
| 00:15:53 |
Babe, come on. |
| 00:15:57 |
-Somebody needs go have his back. |
| 00:16:00 |
Drew? |
| 00:16:03 |
Tucker's got my back. |
| 00:16:04 |
Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back. |
| 00:16:07 |
Except you're the one who |
| 00:16:10 |
I wish you took care of me |
| 00:16:13 |
Well, that is a load of crap. I always look |
| 00:16:19 |
Really? Really? |
| 00:16:23 |
When have you chosen me over Tucker? |
| 00:16:25 |
Give me an example. Just one. |
| 00:16:28 |
I'm marrying you, aren't I? |
| 00:16:31 |
Should I go help? |
| 00:16:32 |
There is a zero-percent chance... |
| 00:16:35 |
...that injecting you into the situation |
| 00:16:40 |
I'm going in. |
| 00:16:47 |
Bring me a Red Bull. |
| 00:16:49 |
KRISTY: |
| 00:16:51 |
DAN: |
| 00:16:52 |
You kidding? That's all I've been doing. |
| 00:16:54 |
Your father didn't want a party |
| 00:16:58 |
We'll have an engagement party at church. |
| 00:17:02 |
"Bouncy castles are childish and dangerous. |
| 00:17:05 |
You know, and I said fine because |
| 00:17:09 |
It's just a stupid bouncy castle. |
| 00:17:11 |
The only thing I've been able |
| 00:17:14 |
...and now she's gonna fly in here |
| 00:17:16 |
You're not gonna do a thing to stop her. |
| 00:17:19 |
You know, if all this is so important to you, |
| 00:17:24 |
Oh, you want me to take a stand? Fine. |
| 00:17:26 |
I'm going to Salem |
| 00:17:29 |
...or the Wicked Witch of West Texas |
| 00:17:31 |
What's up, guys? You ready? |
| 00:17:33 |
Hey, what's this I hear you're |
| 00:17:36 |
Richmond passed |
| 00:17:38 |
Since the ladies |
| 00:17:41 |
...it'd be irresponsible |
| 00:17:43 |
-How thoughtful of you. |
| 00:17:50 |
I'm not stepping on any toes, am I? |
| 00:17:51 |
We have all the final wedding |
| 00:17:54 |
Oh, no. |
| 00:17:55 |
Dan. |
| 00:17:57 |
You didn't say anything. |
| 00:17:59 |
That's not cool. It's your wedding, man. |
| 00:18:03 |
Listen, we'll just go out in town. |
| 00:18:08 |
Sound good, huh? |
| 00:18:12 |
-All right, that's cool. |
| 00:18:14 |
He won't need this anymore. |
| 00:18:16 |
I'll have him back |
| 00:18:19 |
Kristy, you look hot as always. |
| 00:18:22 |
You are so full of shit. |
| 00:18:30 |
Salem, here we come, man. |
| 00:18:32 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:18:33 |
TUCKER: |
| 00:18:35 |
Do you think it's possible |
| 00:18:38 |
The more important question is... |
| 00:18:40 |
are you ready to get shitfaced |
| 00:18:43 |
That's not a Red Bull. |
| 00:18:45 |
Yeah. |
| 00:18:47 |
[TUCKER CACKLING] |
| 00:18:52 |
[HORN HONKING] |
| 00:19:13 |
Here's what I don't get. |
| 00:19:17 |
It's not like I wasn't gonna go. |
| 00:19:18 |
Oh, please. When I walked in, |
| 00:19:22 |
...I thought your apartment |
| 00:19:24 |
We need to stop for food. |
| 00:19:28 |
I just hate lying to Kristy, man. |
| 00:19:30 |
You didn't lie to her, I did. |
| 00:19:32 |
That is bullshit. |
| 00:19:34 |
But somehow I'm going with it. |
| 00:19:36 |
If I don't get a pancakewich, |
| 00:19:39 |
...and have you arrested |
| 00:19:42 |
I don't know how you eat pancakewiches. |
| 00:19:46 |
I can only assume |
| 00:19:49 |
...that you have yet to partake |
| 00:19:54 |
Let me enlighten you. |
| 00:19:56 |
What happens is the one true god |
| 00:20:01 |
...in the Elysian Fields |
| 00:20:05 |
He then proceeds to magic them down |
| 00:20:09 |
...where whatever societal reject |
| 00:20:14 |
...gently wraps them in cellophane |
| 00:20:17 |
...the fortunate consumer. |
| 00:20:19 |
You proceed to ingest this finery... |
| 00:20:22 |
...in the vain hope |
| 00:20:24 |
...can somehow comprehend the delectable |
| 00:20:30 |
Is that egg? Why, yes. Yes, it is. |
| 00:20:33 |
And bacon too. |
| 00:20:35 |
But wait, did they--? |
| 00:20:37 |
They didn't. Yes, they did, |
| 00:20:40 |
They added cheese. |
| 00:20:42 |
And then, then, my friend... |
| 00:20:45 |
...they wrapped it |
| 00:20:50 |
As your taste buds try to process |
| 00:20:56 |
...it hits them. |
| 00:20:59 |
The syrup nugget. |
| 00:21:01 |
The motherfucking syrup nugget. |
| 00:21:04 |
It announces itself |
| 00:21:08 |
...the likes of which your palate |
| 00:21:14 |
So you like them? |
| 00:21:17 |
[LAUGHING] |
| 00:21:19 |
Allow me to rephrase. |
| 00:21:21 |
If you ever speak ill |
| 00:21:23 |
...I will personally come to your home |
| 00:21:27 |
...while I fuck you in the ass |
| 00:21:31 |
...and then donkey punch you |
| 00:21:37 |
We got a motherfucking Griddleworld |
| 00:21:40 |
Thank God. |
| 00:22:10 |
Oh, come on. Who farted? |
| 00:22:12 |
-I don't smell anything. |
| 00:22:14 |
Oh, what is wrong with you? |
| 00:22:17 |
It smells like you got buttfucked |
| 00:22:20 |
Hey, Griddleworld was your idea, man. |
| 00:22:22 |
Do not disparage the pancakewich. |
| 00:22:25 |
Could you just unlock |
| 00:22:28 |
-You get a bit back there? |
| 00:22:30 |
Where are my law books? |
| 00:22:32 |
This must count as a felony battery. |
| 00:22:34 |
DAN: Dude. |
| 00:22:37 |
You guys have such weak constitutions. |
| 00:22:39 |
I bet those girls wouldn't |
| 00:22:42 |
-I can taste that. |
| 00:22:44 |
They subject themselves |
| 00:22:45 |
-...for the right price. |
| 00:22:48 |
Tucker, where are we going? |
| 00:22:51 |
It's not even 7:00 yet. |
| 00:22:54 |
-Let's get some drinks first. Pre-game. |
| 00:22:57 |
Now I can hate |
| 00:23:00 |
...instead of baselessly judging them |
| 00:23:04 |
Last time I was here there was more pussy |
| 00:23:07 |
Unbelievable hot chicks, wall to wall. |
| 00:23:14 |
All right, dude. |
| 00:23:15 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS] : |
| 00:23:18 |
Oh, yeah, this place is crawling with trim. |
| 00:23:22 |
Let's see some IDs, guys. |
| 00:23:24 |
Looks like Lane Bryant and Jenny Craig |
| 00:23:28 |
BOUNCER: |
| 00:23:30 |
You know what a soft-off is? |
| 00:23:33 |
No, what is it? |
| 00:23:35 |
It's the opposite of a hard-on. |
| 00:23:37 |
And that's what I have. |
| 00:23:39 |
I will pay you $10... |
| 00:23:41 |
only if you can erase this visual atrocity |
| 00:23:44 |
Go down to Whiskey Bar. |
| 00:23:47 |
And by everybody, |
| 00:23:50 |
I wish, man, I wish. |
| 00:23:53 |
-Let's give it a shot. |
| 00:23:54 |
It can't be worse than this. |
| 00:23:58 |
[CHATTERING] |
| 00:24:00 |
[B.A.S.K.O.'S "THIS IS NOT A GAME" |
| 00:24:03 |
All right, now this is what I call |
| 00:24:06 |
DREW: |
| 00:24:07 |
I wanna shoot |
| 00:24:10 |
DAN: Not her. |
| 00:24:12 |
-Her too. |
| 00:24:13 |
A little over 2 hours |
| 00:24:16 |
Let's see if we can't get |
| 00:24:18 |
Wait, wait, wait. |
| 00:24:20 |
You wanna pick up sluts |
| 00:24:25 |
If things go well. |
| 00:24:27 |
DREW: Oh, look, a menagerie of sluts. |
| 00:24:31 |
What are those drinks? Not the ones |
| 00:24:34 |
It's called a Flaming Dr. Pepper. |
| 00:24:36 |
-Looks amazing. Throw 3 more on there. |
| 00:24:40 |
Don't worry about it, sweetheart. |
| 00:24:43 |
My name isn't sweetheart, it's Mary. |
| 00:24:46 |
Okay, good to know. Thank you. |
| 00:24:49 |
DAN: |
| 00:24:51 |
-Just most of them. |
| 00:24:54 |
DAN: Oh, nice. |
| 00:24:59 |
Oh! |
| 00:25:01 |
I've seen better. |
| 00:25:03 |
[CHEERING] |
| 00:25:08 |
DAN: |
| 00:25:09 |
Holy shit. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper. |
| 00:25:12 |
Hence the name. |
| 00:25:13 |
Thank you. Again. 8 more of them. |
| 00:25:15 |
That will be another $120. |
| 00:25:17 |
Shit. Just get us 8 vodka shots. |
| 00:25:20 |
Oh, our company is priceless. |
| 00:25:22 |
If it lacks a price, |
| 00:25:27 |
BARTENDER: Any particular kind of vodka? |
| 00:25:29 |
Thank you for asking. Down there. |
| 00:25:36 |
If this is a real bachelorette party, |
| 00:25:39 |
Don't call us sluts. |
| 00:25:41 |
No one here is a slut. |
| 00:25:43 |
Oh, come on, come on. |
| 00:25:44 |
The slut at a bachelor party |
| 00:25:47 |
If you can't pick them out, |
| 00:25:50 |
[WOMEN LAUGHING] |
| 00:25:51 |
Here we are ladies, one for each of you. |
| 00:25:54 |
-Panty dropper for you. |
| 00:25:56 |
Making fun of girls to impress your friends |
| 00:26:00 |
You're such a jerk. |
| 00:26:01 |
Your friends are laughing |
| 00:26:03 |
-I'm not laughing at all. |
| 00:26:06 |
Don't laugh. It's not funny. |
| 00:26:09 |
I think a toast is in order for my buddy Dan, |
| 00:26:13 |
And the bachelorette |
| 00:26:17 |
...even the bitchy prude. |
| 00:26:20 |
Here is to the people we've met. |
| 00:26:24 |
And to the people we've fucked. |
| 00:26:26 |
And to those of us |
| 00:26:29 |
Here's to beer in the glass |
| 00:26:34 |
Here's to poking her in the ass |
| 00:26:38 |
Here's to all of you, and here's to me... |
| 00:26:42 |
...together as friends we will always be. |
| 00:26:45 |
But if we should ever disagree... |
| 00:26:46 |
...then fuck all of you, here's to me. |
| 00:26:50 |
WOMEN: Cheers. |
| 00:26:54 |
All right, but for real, |
| 00:26:56 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS]: |
| 00:26:59 |
It never would stop |
| 00:27:07 |
All right. What's your porn name? |
| 00:27:10 |
Scott Peterson. |
| 00:27:11 |
No, no, not your real name. |
| 00:27:14 |
Your porn name is your pet's name |
| 00:27:17 |
I wasn't allowed to have pets. |
| 00:27:19 |
Okay, we'll do another way, then. |
| 00:27:23 |
I don't have one, unless I missed it |
| 00:27:27 |
Oh, come on. Play along, it's fun. |
| 00:27:30 |
If you touch me again. |
| 00:27:38 |
What--? Why? |
| 00:27:40 |
You're the only guy I know |
| 00:27:43 |
Come on, man. |
| 00:27:48 |
Remember what we talked about? |
| 00:27:49 |
Instead of being a fucking killjoy... |
| 00:27:51 |
...you stop and ask yourself, |
| 00:27:54 |
And then you go do that. |
| 00:27:55 |
Well, unfortunately, we can't both go |
| 00:28:00 |
-Now, can we? |
| 00:28:04 |
Speak of the devil. |
| 00:28:06 |
What's up? You finally ready to hook up |
| 00:28:10 |
She's the bride. |
| 00:28:11 |
You talk a big game, Mr. Man. |
| 00:28:15 |
But you don't look like |
| 00:28:18 |
Oh, really? Are you talking to me? |
| 00:28:20 |
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes. |
| 00:28:24 |
Let's do shots, then. |
| 00:28:25 |
Oh! Isn't she precious? |
| 00:28:28 |
MELISSA: |
| 00:28:30 |
DAN: "It will be fun." |
| 00:28:32 |
DAN: "We will do teams." |
| 00:28:34 |
Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh... |
| 00:28:36 |
versus bachelorette |
| 00:28:39 |
-I think your friend's hotter. |
| 00:28:41 |
Talk to him for 5 minutes |
| 00:28:43 |
Let's get down to business. |
| 00:28:47 |
If it has sugar in it, it's not a real shot. |
| 00:28:58 |
So what's up with Mary, Queen of Twats |
| 00:29:02 |
-You know how it is. |
| 00:29:04 |
It'd suck to be such an angry bitch. |
| 00:29:07 |
She can be lots of fun |
| 00:29:09 |
When is that? When she's luring |
| 00:29:12 |
No. She isn't that bad. |
| 00:29:14 |
Women are the worst |
| 00:29:17 |
-She's really sweet. |
| 00:29:19 |
I don't know about bums. |
| 00:29:21 |
Maybe titty fuck her. |
| 00:29:34 |
For the record, I just wanted |
| 00:29:37 |
Oh, baby. |
| 00:29:39 |
Grillionaire. |
| 00:29:41 |
[SINGING] I got ice, whips, ho's, money |
| 00:29:46 |
You like this guy? |
| 00:29:48 |
I love him. He is hot. |
| 00:29:52 |
How they do, baby |
| 00:29:55 |
How they do, baby |
| 00:29:59 |
Yeah, buddy |
| 00:30:00 |
Get away from me, or I'm gonna carve |
| 00:30:21 |
Sorry, man. |
| 00:30:24 |
Yes. |
| 00:30:26 |
TUCKER: You gotta admit, though, man, |
| 00:30:29 |
It's a good fucking hook. |
| 00:30:30 |
[SINGING] |
| 00:30:33 |
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho 's, ho 's, money |
| 00:30:36 |
Got it? |
| 00:30:37 |
All right, all right, all right. We'll stop. |
| 00:30:41 |
Where the ho 's at? |
| 00:30:43 |
This is for all you |
| 00:30:47 |
We wouldn't talk to any of you |
| 00:30:52 |
Who's Tucker Max? |
| 00:30:53 |
DREW: |
| 00:30:55 |
I can't. I'm done. |
| 00:30:56 |
TUCKER: |
| 00:30:58 |
6 shots. |
| 00:30:59 |
That's it? 6 shots? |
| 00:31:01 |
Oh, you may be able to vote and drive, |
| 00:31:04 |
DAN: It's embarrassing. |
| 00:31:07 |
-He's just messing around. |
| 00:31:10 |
DAN: |
| 00:31:13 |
No, he's not. Everything he says |
| 00:31:17 |
Uh.... No, it isn't. |
| 00:31:20 |
If I said women |
| 00:31:23 |
with enough slack |
| 00:31:25 |
because those are the places that |
| 00:31:29 |
-...that would be misogynist. |
| 00:31:31 |
Excuse me? |
| 00:31:34 |
What I said was sexist |
| 00:31:37 |
Not that your pageant-girl ass |
| 00:31:40 |
-Hey. |
| 00:31:42 |
-What? |
| 00:31:43 |
You're sexist and misogynist. |
| 00:31:45 |
Good for you. |
| 00:31:47 |
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal. |
| 00:31:50 |
Why dost thou hate women so? |
| 00:31:54 |
That's the thing. |
| 00:31:57 |
Why else would I put up |
| 00:32:00 |
Now you're being kind of mean. |
| 00:32:01 |
Yeah, you know what? |
| 00:32:03 |
You're an ass. |
| 00:32:06 |
I just don't like her as a person... |
| 00:32:09 |
...because she's a negative fucking bitch. |
| 00:32:11 |
That has nothing to do |
| 00:32:14 |
-Hey. |
| 00:32:17 |
That's not good game. |
| 00:32:20 |
-You're really mean. |
| 00:32:22 |
Yeah. You know what? |
| 00:32:26 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:32:28 |
We actually made friends. |
| 00:32:31 |
Asshole. |
| 00:32:33 |
Wait, wait, wait. Guys, come on, sorry. |
| 00:32:35 |
Listen, I just want to apologize. |
| 00:32:37 |
You'll have to forgive my friend, all right? |
| 00:32:40 |
-He's got mommy issues. |
| 00:32:43 |
Mommy was the life of the party. |
| 00:32:45 |
Mommy, where do babies come from? |
| 00:32:48 |
Go ask your deadbeat father |
| 00:32:52 |
He really is a good guy, honest. |
| 00:32:53 |
He's just sometimes |
| 00:32:57 |
Why don't you just come to |
| 00:32:59 |
-Drinks will be on the asshole. |
| 00:33:01 |
That sounds like a plan. |
| 00:33:04 |
What strip club you guys going to? |
| 00:33:06 |
-It's called Avarice. |
| 00:33:08 |
That's because they don't |
| 00:33:11 |
Tucker. |
| 00:33:12 |
She's not a bitch. |
| 00:33:15 |
She's a snatch napkin. |
| 00:33:18 |
It was nice to meet you. |
| 00:33:21 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:33:23 |
Call Information. |
| 00:33:25 |
What? |
| 00:33:27 |
No, dude. I was fucking half drunk. |
| 00:33:29 |
-I don't know precisely where it is. |
| 00:33:32 |
-I said that? |
| 00:33:33 |
I can't be held accountable for the things |
| 00:33:40 |
DREW: I'd just like to remind everyone that |
| 00:33:44 |
...on the advice of a drunken hobo. |
| 00:33:48 |
TUCKER: |
| 00:33:50 |
Yeah, I don't really see a problem, either. |
| 00:33:52 |
TUCKER: |
| 00:33:54 |
This spot. It must be. |
| 00:33:58 |
What's up, man? How's it going? |
| 00:34:02 |
Cool. |
| 00:34:04 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS]: |
| 00:34:13 |
Break me down |
| 00:34:17 |
We're going to your place |
| 00:34:19 |
But now you got to |
| 00:34:23 |
Scream so loud |
| 00:34:26 |
You want me to stay |
| 00:34:29 |
But I got to make my way |
| 00:34:33 |
Hey |
| 00:34:35 |
But you fuck so good |
| 00:34:37 |
When I dream |
| 00:34:40 |
Scratches all down my back |
| 00:34:41 |
Oh, that's a hundred. |
| 00:34:44 |
Oh, man. |
| 00:34:47 |
I'm going with you. |
| 00:34:50 |
WOMAN: Hey. |
| 00:34:52 |
WOMAN: You're a maniac. |
| 00:34:54 |
DAN: Great. |
| 00:34:56 |
Unless your breasts expel vodka and tonic, |
| 00:35:00 |
Oh, don't worry, baby, |
| 00:35:04 |
Well, in the meantime, |
| 00:35:08 |
...pursuant to Megan's Law, |
| 00:35:13 |
So how old are you? |
| 00:35:15 |
Okay, fine. Rape's not funny, |
| 00:35:19 |
Murder's not funny either. |
| 00:35:20 |
Maybe not to you, |
| 00:35:23 |
...that would be funny to me. |
| 00:35:26 |
How is that funny? |
| 00:35:27 |
Because he is happy on the outside |
| 00:35:33 |
What? |
| 00:35:35 |
Sad clown wanna kill somebody? |
| 00:35:41 |
-Tear. |
| 00:35:43 |
DAN: |
| 00:35:45 |
-What's wrong with him? |
| 00:35:49 |
You have a friend for him? |
| 00:35:50 |
My friends would never put up with that. |
| 00:35:52 |
Okay, I'm gonna call |
| 00:35:55 |
while the lesser comedians |
| 00:35:57 |
have a chance to make |
| 00:36:00 |
-What is your prob--? |
| 00:36:02 |
I would rather mainline Drano... |
| 00:36:04 |
than listen to another second |
| 00:36:06 |
-Less talkie. More booby. Now. |
| 00:36:10 |
Said the fat girl to the cupcake. |
| 00:36:13 |
-I'm sorry. |
| 00:36:14 |
DAN: |
| 00:36:16 |
-Bambi, I thought we had something. |
| 00:36:19 |
Good job, dumb-ass. |
| 00:36:32 |
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: |
| 00:36:36 |
she has Russian hands |
| 00:36:39 |
Give it up for Natasha. |
| 00:36:42 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS] : |
| 00:36:45 |
Dull headache |
| 00:36:48 |
This is just the start |
| 00:36:53 |
Chasing down the telephone wire |
| 00:37:01 |
Racing down the road |
| 00:37:09 |
You'll try to skip town |
| 00:37:12 |
Are you guys drinking water? |
| 00:37:16 |
Yes, but we're also drinking |
| 00:37:18 |
It's what your mom put in your bottle so |
| 00:37:22 |
My mom used bourbon. |
| 00:37:26 |
And judging by the distance |
| 00:37:28 |
...I'd say your mom drank it all |
| 00:37:33 |
Did she just make a fetal alcohol joke? |
| 00:37:35 |
DAN: Whoa! |
| 00:37:38 |
When you're done changing |
| 00:37:40 |
...come back over here |
| 00:37:43 |
DAN: Please. |
| 00:37:47 |
-Oh, God. |
| 00:37:49 |
-I'll take the-- |
| 00:37:52 |
ANNOUNCER: And now coming to |
| 00:37:55 |
She's Whoredini. |
| 00:37:57 |
If we get a champagne room, |
| 00:38:01 |
If we get a hotel room, |
| 00:38:04 |
True. But then I don't get paid. |
| 00:38:07 |
I'll give you $20. |
| 00:38:09 |
CHLOE: |
| 00:38:11 |
-400? |
| 00:38:13 |
But you're cute and funny. |
| 00:38:19 |
-25 |
| 00:38:22 |
No, just 25. |
| 00:38:23 |
[DAN LAUGHING] |
| 00:38:24 |
I have to pay the club $100 |
| 00:38:27 |
That's okay. |
| 00:38:32 |
WOMAN: Asshole. |
| 00:38:34 |
CHLOE: That won't even buy our drinks. |
| 00:38:38 |
That's what you get. |
| 00:38:39 |
Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny, |
| 00:38:42 |
That's no way to start a relationship. |
| 00:38:44 |
Who said I wanted a relationship? |
| 00:38:48 |
I don't want that kind of relationship. |
| 00:38:51 |
CHLOE: Just fuck me? |
| 00:38:54 |
All right, potential fuck buddy, |
| 00:38:58 |
How big is your mouth? |
| 00:38:59 |
ANNOUNCER: |
| 00:39:02 |
And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail. |
| 00:39:20 |
If you must know... |
| 00:39:22 |
...my parents yelled at me, |
| 00:39:26 |
If I was your mom, I would have |
| 00:39:29 |
If you were my mom, I would've been raised |
| 00:39:34 |
There's a win-win. |
| 00:39:35 |
You're awfully bitter |
| 00:39:38 |
Always been this mean, or did some girl |
| 00:39:42 |
Holy shit. |
| 00:39:43 |
She's like a hot Miss Cleo. |
| 00:39:47 |
For Grillionaire, of all people. |
| 00:39:48 |
Grillionaire? |
| 00:39:50 |
Like, "how they do, baby"? |
| 00:39:54 |
Oh, wow. |
| 00:39:56 |
She may be a vacuous slut with no taste, |
| 00:40:01 |
LARA: |
| 00:40:03 |
I know a hundred insecure assholes |
| 00:40:06 |
I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends |
| 00:40:09 |
If I had a dollar |
| 00:40:12 |
...I'd have enough to buy |
| 00:40:14 |
and all the other orc-mage failures |
| 00:40:19 |
Whatever, I've gotta go. |
| 00:40:21 |
Whoa! No, no, no. |
| 00:40:23 |
-Stay, please. |
| 00:40:25 |
-No, I've gotta get home soon. |
| 00:40:28 |
Yeah, he can't stand it when a woman |
| 00:40:32 |
That's unfortunate |
| 00:40:35 |
I've learned my lesson |
| 00:40:37 |
No, he's different. |
| 00:40:38 |
I promise you, |
| 00:40:41 |
-You just have to peel back the layers... |
| 00:40:43 |
...and fight back the tears. |
| 00:40:45 |
-I'll pay your rate. Just talk shit to him. |
| 00:40:49 |
He needs this. |
| 00:40:53 |
Dance, monkey. |
| 00:40:55 |
Dance for your dollar. |
| 00:40:58 |
DAN: |
| 00:41:00 |
TUCKER: I'll pick it up for you. |
| 00:41:02 |
All I have to do is insult him? |
| 00:41:04 |
-That's it. |
| 00:41:07 |
-I can't believe that worked. |
| 00:41:11 |
He might have you there. |
| 00:41:13 |
I'm Lara. |
| 00:41:14 |
What's your name? |
| 00:41:16 |
It's Drew, but why don't we |
| 00:41:19 |
...and go to the part |
| 00:41:22 |
...and give me a hand job in the alley? |
| 00:41:25 |
You're a Star Trek nerd? |
| 00:41:27 |
Color me shocked. |
| 00:41:29 |
Live long and prosper, dork. |
| 00:41:32 |
Okay, I'm a dork? |
| 00:41:34 |
You are the one with |
| 00:41:39 |
Genius. That game came out |
| 00:41:43 |
I was named after Agustin Lara. |
| 00:41:45 |
Wait, wait, wait, who is that? |
| 00:41:46 |
A famous Mexican intellectual. |
| 00:41:50 |
That's a funny joke. |
| 00:41:52 |
No funnier than you catching your |
| 00:41:55 |
Body blow, body blow, |
| 00:42:00 |
Wait a second, wait a second. |
| 00:42:03 |
Bullshit, bullshit. |
| 00:42:04 |
Who was your favorite guy |
| 00:42:07 |
Soda Popinski, because he was |
| 00:42:10 |
Oh! Dude, this is your dream girl. |
| 00:42:13 |
If you don't make this happen... |
| 00:42:15 |
...you will be a disgrace |
| 00:42:18 |
-How dare you? |
| 00:42:22 |
Oh, yeah, sure you will. |
| 00:42:23 |
And you're an exotic dancer, |
| 00:42:27 |
You can't handle a girl... |
| 00:42:28 |
who's better than you |
| 00:42:30 |
Okay, you can beat me at "Halo"? |
| 00:42:33 |
Hey, while we're in this fantasy land... |
| 00:42:36 |
why don't we drive your flying car |
| 00:42:39 |
and get you approved for a home loan. |
| 00:42:41 |
-I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo." |
| 00:42:45 |
Gambling is illegal. |
| 00:42:47 |
TUCKER: |
| 00:42:49 |
[SNIFFS] |
| 00:42:51 |
I smell pussy. |
| 00:42:53 |
Then douche before work. |
| 00:42:55 |
200 dollars. |
| 00:42:57 |
I'm not-- I can't leave-- |
| 00:42:59 |
Dan's bachelor party |
| 00:43:01 |
No, don't let me keep you here. |
| 00:43:03 |
Nothing would make me happier than |
| 00:43:08 |
I would consider it if we had a place |
| 00:43:13 |
Well, you're in luck, |
| 00:43:17 |
We can play at my house, |
| 00:43:19 |
Except your candy-ass little controller. |
| 00:43:22 |
-Then it's a bet. |
| 00:43:24 |
I'm not going |
| 00:43:28 |
You know her baby daddy |
| 00:43:30 |
-...so he can roll me and steal my organs. |
| 00:43:35 |
-I have no idea how you're attracted to him. |
| 00:43:38 |
Probably has something to do with |
| 00:43:42 |
...and the inability of your various |
| 00:43:47 |
Probably. |
| 00:43:48 |
[PHONE RINGING] |
| 00:43:50 |
ANNOUNCER: Fellas, I've got a message |
| 00:43:52 |
Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion |
| 00:43:58 |
-Hey, honey, what's up? |
| 00:44:00 |
You've finally calmed down? |
| 00:44:02 |
Yeah. You know, |
| 00:44:04 |
Gee, thanks. |
| 00:44:06 |
-Are you having fun? |
| 00:44:08 |
Strip clubs are all the same. |
| 00:44:09 |
How's Tucker handling |
| 00:44:12 |
You know, he's coping. |
| 00:44:14 |
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the stage, |
| 00:44:18 |
with none of the height. |
| 00:44:20 |
She's Salem 's very own Rainbow Sprite. |
| 00:44:22 |
-Dan, where are you? |
| 00:44:24 |
No, where are you? Geographically. |
| 00:44:27 |
Um.... |
| 00:44:29 |
Close by. |
| 00:44:34 |
I can't believe this. |
| 00:44:36 |
Young man, I don't think |
| 00:44:40 |
-Put Drew on the phone. |
| 00:44:43 |
Dan, we both know that's ridiculous. |
| 00:44:45 |
Hey. It's Kristy. |
| 00:44:47 |
She wants to talk to you. |
| 00:44:50 |
-Just tell her we're in Richmond. |
| 00:44:53 |
-Hi, Kristy. |
| 00:44:55 |
We're at a strip club in Salem. Gotta go. |
| 00:44:59 |
I'm not lying for you cretins. |
| 00:45:00 |
My moral compass doesn't point |
| 00:45:03 |
Dude, what did--? |
| 00:45:05 |
What do you--? |
| 00:45:07 |
-Fuck. |
| 00:45:09 |
Dan, why did you go to Salem? |
| 00:45:11 |
I don't know. Tucker.... |
| 00:45:13 |
Again, Dan? |
| 00:45:15 |
Again with the Tucker. |
| 00:45:16 |
What are you, his keeper? |
| 00:45:18 |
Is that what you are? You just hang out, |
| 00:45:22 |
-I don't know. |
| 00:45:26 |
We promised that we'd always be honest |
| 00:45:29 |
I don't know why we lied. I just-- |
| 00:45:31 |
Enough with the "we." |
| 00:45:35 |
I only care what you did. |
| 00:45:39 |
Honey, you're really that mad? |
| 00:45:41 |
I don't know what to think. I gotta go. |
| 00:45:45 |
Fuck. |
| 00:45:49 |
Well, that's the last time I listen to you. |
| 00:45:51 |
Dude, whatever, she'll get over it. |
| 00:45:54 |
It is your fucking fault. |
| 00:45:56 |
6 of 1. Dude, don't sweat it, man. |
| 00:45:59 |
What happens in Salem, stays in Salem. |
| 00:46:02 |
Well, clearly it doesn't. My fiancée, |
| 00:46:05 |
is in Richmond and she's pissed. |
| 00:46:07 |
It's all right. Here. |
| 00:46:10 |
ANNOUNCER: This is the 20-minute call |
| 00:46:15 |
because it is time |
| 00:46:20 |
-Dude. |
| 00:46:22 |
Dude, this is it, this is it. |
| 00:46:24 |
You need a spanking, man. This is it. |
| 00:46:26 |
Are you fired up? |
| 00:46:30 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS] : |
| 00:46:33 |
Cool drink of water |
| 00:46:35 |
ANNOUNCER: Let's give it |
| 00:46:38 |
I'll be right back. Stay there. |
| 00:46:41 |
Take your time, dickhead. |
| 00:46:43 |
-Where are you going? |
| 00:46:45 |
-I'll be right back. |
| 00:46:47 |
Oh, he's fine. He's fine. |
| 00:47:00 |
Fuck. |
| 00:47:02 |
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing? |
| 00:47:08 |
ANNOUNCER: She's sweet and sticky, |
| 00:47:11 |
-Fuck. |
| 00:47:14 |
This place sucks. You wanna get |
| 00:47:30 |
I need to tell you something |
| 00:47:33 |
Oh, I fucking knew it. |
| 00:47:35 |
I'm gonna get jumped. |
| 00:47:38 |
No. I have a son. He'll be asleep. |
| 00:47:42 |
But I wanted to tell you before you tripped |
| 00:47:51 |
What's his name? |
| 00:47:52 |
Jack. He's 7. |
| 00:47:57 |
Is he named after his baby daddy |
| 00:48:01 |
Neither. It's just a strong name. |
| 00:48:04 |
I think a little boy needs a strong name. |
| 00:48:07 |
I'm not a fan |
| 00:48:09 |
like Pat or Jesse or Drew. |
| 00:48:13 |
Bitch. |
| 00:48:17 |
I can't say I'm shocked. |
| 00:48:19 |
Having a kid is one of the top 3 excuses |
| 00:48:24 |
Really? |
| 00:48:26 |
And what are the other 2? |
| 00:48:27 |
The paying my way through college lie |
| 00:48:31 |
That's in the Whore Logic Hall of Fame. |
| 00:48:43 |
And the other one? |
| 00:48:47 |
It's better than being a hooker |
| 00:48:54 |
LARA: You know, |
| 00:48:58 |
DREW: Bullshit, they don't. |
| 00:49:06 |
Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed? |
| 00:49:09 |
JACK: |
| 00:49:11 |
But it doesn't matter. |
| 00:49:19 |
Greetings. |
| 00:49:24 |
Uh.... |
| 00:49:29 |
The army men the good guys? |
| 00:49:33 |
I see you have |
| 00:49:36 |
You shouldn't mix genres like that. |
| 00:49:38 |
It screws up the morale |
| 00:49:44 |
Okay, I guess we can work with it. |
| 00:49:47 |
What exactly are you playing? |
| 00:49:52 |
Well, the GI Bobs |
| 00:50:01 |
I know that you are but 7 years old. |
| 00:50:06 |
This rigmarole you have here |
| 00:50:09 |
Your flanks are exposed. |
| 00:50:11 |
You're vulnerable to an enfilade |
| 00:50:15 |
I think it's time |
| 00:50:19 |
...to set up an L-shaped ambush. |
| 00:50:24 |
What's a flank? |
| 00:50:29 |
It's a good thing I came. |
| 00:50:30 |
ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time |
| 00:50:33 |
...our bachelor of the night. |
| 00:50:35 |
Give it up for Big Dan. |
| 00:50:37 |
[CHEERING] |
| 00:50:57 |
SINGER [OVER SPEAKERS] : |
| 00:50:59 |
She could shake that thing |
| 00:51:00 |
Said her daddy used to hang |
| 00:51:03 |
She sang a soul train |
| 00:51:05 |
Her booty was bigger |
| 00:51:08 |
[CHEERING] |
| 00:51:23 |
No, no, no. |
| 00:51:25 |
I said off. |
| 00:51:28 |
No, no, no. |
| 00:51:31 |
[GASPING] |
| 00:51:32 |
[SCREECHES] |
| 00:51:44 |
MAN 1: |
| 00:51:48 |
MAN 2: Get on your feet. |
| 00:51:51 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:51:56 |
That's it. |
| 00:52:00 |
-Asshole. |
| 00:52:02 |
Your army men are set up |
| 00:52:07 |
Once the Legos get to the kill zone, |
| 00:52:12 |
Yes. |
| 00:52:14 |
[JACK IMITATES WEAPON FIRING] |
| 00:52:16 |
You might not grow up to be a failure |
| 00:52:19 |
Okay. Now it's time for bed. |
| 00:52:23 |
Say thank you to Drew for teaching you |
| 00:52:29 |
Thanks, Drew. |
| 00:52:31 |
Tomorrow can you teach me |
| 00:52:34 |
I think I've stunted your growth |
| 00:52:39 |
But maybe next time I can teach you |
| 00:52:42 |
...as a mask for your inability |
| 00:52:46 |
Yay. |
| 00:52:48 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:52:50 |
Good night, Jack. |
| 00:53:05 |
Fuck. |
| 00:53:12 |
MAN: |
| 00:53:16 |
Oh, uh.... |
| 00:53:18 |
Don't mind me, boys. |
| 00:53:21 |
Are you pissing? |
| 00:53:24 |
Ooh. |
| 00:53:27 |
-Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket? |
| 00:53:31 |
How will I ever face my life again? |
| 00:53:34 |
Let me ask you something, |
| 00:53:38 |
Are you a cop... |
| 00:53:39 |
...because you have a GED or because |
| 00:53:44 |
-I'm really curious to know. |
| 00:53:46 |
-Are you goddamn shitting me? |
| 00:53:49 |
Fuck. Fuck. |
| 00:53:52 |
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did." |
| 00:53:54 |
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did." |
| 00:53:56 |
Stupid shit. You know what they did? |
| 00:53:59 |
My friends are fucking idiots. |
| 00:54:01 |
"And the syrup nugget, it explodes in your |
| 00:54:06 |
Fucking stupid. |
| 00:54:08 |
Fuck it. I gotta get the fuck out of here |
| 00:54:12 |
My friends are douche bags. |
| 00:54:14 |
You guys are probably more fun |
| 00:54:18 |
They're fucking stupid. |
| 00:54:21 |
All I wanted was a bouncy castle. |
| 00:54:23 |
A bouncy castle at the reception. |
| 00:54:26 |
I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife. |
| 00:54:29 |
Who's with me? Who's with me? |
| 00:54:33 |
I am the only one who speaks English. |
| 00:54:37 |
-That's no problem, ése. |
| 00:54:40 |
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] |
| 00:54:47 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:54:49 |
Yeah. |
| 00:54:51 |
Who's with me? Who--? Yeah. |
| 00:54:59 |
Revolution! |
| 00:55:03 |
-Hey, look, it's the cops. |
| 00:55:09 |
What the hell is going on in here? |
| 00:55:10 |
Holy shit, it's like Police Academy, |
| 00:55:16 |
COP: |
| 00:55:18 |
-Lights out, motherfucker. |
| 00:55:25 |
LARA: "Halo 1" shotgun gun wizard |
| 00:55:28 |
DREW: |
| 00:55:32 |
Jack's a good kid. |
| 00:55:33 |
Damn it. |
| 00:55:35 |
Thanks. |
| 00:55:37 |
I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids |
| 00:55:41 |
How are you kicking my ass? |
| 00:55:43 |
That means a lot. |
| 00:55:45 |
He's had a tough time since his dad left. |
| 00:55:50 |
I told you I was better. |
| 00:55:52 |
-I can beat Koreans. |
| 00:55:56 |
Son of a bitch, |
| 00:56:00 |
He thought |
| 00:56:02 |
...so he decided to get even |
| 00:56:06 |
Were you? |
| 00:56:09 |
I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. |
| 00:56:11 |
Your whole gender |
| 00:56:14 |
Are you in pink armor? |
| 00:56:16 |
I hate it when men |
| 00:56:18 |
It's like this pathetic defense mechanism |
| 00:56:22 |
...when you know you're attracted |
| 00:56:27 |
-That's not-- That's not true. |
| 00:56:29 |
It's so much easier |
| 00:56:31 |
...than it is to admit to yourself |
| 00:56:35 |
That is some whore logic |
| 00:56:39 |
Anyone is capable |
| 00:56:43 |
Being a woman |
| 00:56:46 |
It does if you're |
| 00:56:49 |
Fine. |
| 00:56:51 |
But your ex is only representative of herself, |
| 00:56:55 |
Her actions don't make me a whore |
| 00:57:03 |
Did you cheat? |
| 00:57:06 |
No. |
| 00:57:13 |
If you ever wanna find love again |
| 00:57:16 |
...these childish notions that you have. |
| 00:57:20 |
If you don't... |
| 00:57:22 |
...your personal life will remain |
| 00:57:28 |
VOICE: |
| 00:57:33 |
Motherfucker. |
| 00:57:36 |
You're the pink mist. |
| 00:57:39 |
If I kiss you, will you shut up already? |
| 00:58:11 |
-Are you okay? |
| 00:59:25 |
Where am I? |
| 00:59:27 |
Uh, uh.... |
| 00:59:29 |
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] |
| 00:59:34 |
Drunk tank, ése. |
| 00:59:38 |
[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH] |
| 00:59:47 |
That's disgusting. |
| 00:59:48 |
I hope that wasn't one of you guys. |
| 00:59:52 |
Fuck. Can I make a call, man? |
| 00:59:54 |
Sorry. |
| 01:00:03 |
[LINE RINGING] |
| 01:00:07 |
WOMAN: Operator. |
| 01:00:09 |
I need to make a collect call... |
| 01:00:12 |
...to 323-351-7640. |
| 01:00:19 |
State your name after the beep. |
| 01:00:21 |
[BEEPS] |
| 01:00:22 |
It's Dan. |
| 01:00:24 |
[LINE RINGING] |
| 01:00:39 |
WOMAN: Operator. |
| 01:00:41 |
Can you try... |
| 01:00:44 |
...281-555-8009? |
| 01:00:50 |
State your name after the beep. |
| 01:00:52 |
[BEEPS] |
| 01:00:53 |
Dan. |
| 01:00:55 |
[RINGTONE PLAYING] |
| 01:01:01 |
Son of a bitch, where the hell are you? |
| 01:01:03 |
WOMAN: I'm right here, sir. |
| 01:01:05 |
Look, can you just try one more? |
| 01:01:09 |
...918-555-7640? |
| 01:01:14 |
State your name after the beep. |
| 01:01:15 |
[BEEPS] |
| 01:01:16 |
What the fuck? Are you fucking with me? |
| 01:01:18 |
It's Dan, just dial the fucking phone |
| 01:01:21 |
Fuck! |
| 01:01:23 |
[PHONE RINGING] |
| 01:01:30 |
MRS. JORGENS: What? |
| 01:01:32 |
-...Jail Operator with a collect call from: |
| 01:01:35 |
It's Dan, dial the fucking phone |
| 01:01:38 |
-Fuck. |
| 01:01:40 |
Oh, Jesus. Mrs. Jorgens? |
| 01:01:43 |
What's going on? |
| 01:01:46 |
Can you get Kristy for me? |
| 01:01:50 |
No, I cannot. Where are you? |
| 01:01:54 |
I'm in jail. |
| 01:01:58 |
-What a shock. |
| 01:02:01 |
[DIAL TONE HUMS] |
| 01:02:11 |
Fuck. |
| 01:02:14 |
-Hey. |
| 01:02:16 |
-Everything good? |
| 01:02:17 |
-What did you think was gonna happen? |
| 01:02:20 |
Get away! Mommy! No! |
| 01:02:31 |
That's ridiculous. |
| 01:02:35 |
Hey, Jack. |
| 01:02:37 |
Hey. Hey. |
| 01:02:39 |
-Where's my 200 bucks? |
| 01:02:44 |
Yeah, she's good. |
| 01:02:46 |
Nice, well played. |
| 01:02:48 |
Hey. |
| 01:02:50 |
You can have this. |
| 01:02:55 |
Wow. |
| 01:02:57 |
Thanks, Jack. |
| 01:03:00 |
Hey, you know what? |
| 01:03:03 |
I want you to have this. |
| 01:03:06 |
JACK: |
| 01:03:08 |
DREW: Bob was the commander |
| 01:03:11 |
-He was my favorite when I was your age. |
| 01:03:14 |
You gotta promise me one thing, though. |
| 01:03:16 |
You take care of all your soldiers |
| 01:03:18 |
-Especially your mom. |
| 01:03:22 |
DREW: |
| 01:03:23 |
-I'll call you when I get home. |
| 01:03:27 |
DREW: |
| 01:03:29 |
JACK: |
| 01:03:31 |
Did you just give your Bob keychain |
| 01:03:34 |
She's not a whore. |
| 01:03:38 |
Okay. |
| 01:03:40 |
Wow. |
| 01:03:43 |
Here you go, man. |
| 01:03:48 |
Where's Dan? |
| 01:04:02 |
Holy shit. |
| 01:04:06 |
Jesus Christ, man. |
| 01:04:14 |
Let's fucking go. |
| 01:04:16 |
TUCKER: Dude, you are not gonna believe |
| 01:04:19 |
You know the feeling you get |
| 01:04:22 |
...and you are trying so hard |
| 01:04:26 |
And then, |
| 01:04:29 |
...the clouds part, the path widens, |
| 01:04:34 |
Gentlemen, last night |
| 01:04:39 |
Drew, you had just left the bar |
| 01:04:43 |
My midget princess. |
| 01:04:45 |
Her dark hair and sparkling eyes |
| 01:04:50 |
Her compressed cervical vertebrae |
| 01:04:53 |
...told me exactly |
| 01:04:56 |
...if she were placed in a vise |
| 01:04:59 |
So as her pigeon-toed feet |
| 01:05:03 |
...I slid down in my chair, |
| 01:05:07 |
She looked at me. |
| 01:05:09 |
Her mashed-up teeth... |
| 01:05:11 |
...sparkling in the oily light |
| 01:05:16 |
I gave her my unmistakable |
| 01:05:22 |
She shot back a quick |
| 01:05:29 |
She went to the bar, ordered a drink. |
| 01:05:33 |
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing? |
| 01:05:35 |
The beer bottle looked massive |
| 01:05:39 |
All I could think about was how big |
| 01:05:42 |
-She ate it up. |
| 01:05:46 |
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy? |
| 01:05:48 |
She laughed her tiny little laugh |
| 01:05:52 |
...and then threw me a fastball |
| 01:05:54 |
So, what do you want to do? |
| 01:05:57 |
It was the tiny little opening I needed. |
| 01:06:00 |
I wanna make a mess in your mouth. |
| 01:06:03 |
-Let's go to my place, then. |
| 01:06:06 |
Just to be safe, leave the pickax here. |
| 01:06:08 |
I don't want you tunneling under the bed, |
| 01:06:12 |
Without a tiny little second thought, |
| 01:06:16 |
...took my pinky in her sausage fingers |
| 01:06:23 |
DAN: |
| 01:06:24 |
You mean to tell me |
| 01:06:28 |
...because you wanted to fuck |
| 01:06:31 |
Dude, it was destiny. |
| 01:06:35 |
You remember? |
| 01:06:36 |
The midget stripper the professor |
| 01:06:40 |
I went on Westlaw... |
| 01:06:41 |
...and found out where she worked |
| 01:06:47 |
You've never been |
| 01:06:51 |
No. I mean, not until last time. |
| 01:06:54 |
Holy shit. |
| 01:06:58 |
That's why you took us |
| 01:07:03 |
That's why you had me call information |
| 01:07:06 |
Yes. |
| 01:07:07 |
-The bachelor party was just a fucking ruse? |
| 01:07:10 |
How many people do you know |
| 01:07:14 |
-You don't think that's awesome? |
| 01:07:19 |
WAITRESS: Here you go. Keep it down? |
| 01:07:24 |
I might not have a fiancée anymore |
| 01:07:28 |
that I didn't want or fucking |
| 01:07:32 |
Now I have to go back to Richmond |
| 01:07:36 |
and plead with her |
| 01:07:38 |
that we have been planning |
| 01:07:41 |
2 fucking years. |
| 01:07:48 |
I-- |
| 01:07:49 |
And what am I gonna do |
| 01:07:53 |
Look at my fucking face, man. |
| 01:07:56 |
I look like I've been on the wrong end |
| 01:08:04 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:08:07 |
Let me finish my story. |
| 01:08:14 |
DREW: Dan, Dan, Dan! |
| 01:08:16 |
DREW: Come on, come on. |
| 01:08:19 |
TUCKER: Jesus. |
| 01:08:21 |
-Dude. It was a midget. |
| 01:08:23 |
Right now, if I were Tucker, |
| 01:09:12 |
[MRS. JORGENS HUMMING] |
| 01:09:30 |
-I will tell you one thing-- |
| 01:09:33 |
I don't wanna hear it. |
| 01:09:38 |
No good Baptist would be caught dead |
| 01:09:42 |
...or getting arrested |
| 01:09:45 |
Of course not, |
| 01:09:48 |
That's right. |
| 01:09:49 |
They just sit in judgment of others... |
| 01:09:51 |
...refusing to help them |
| 01:09:56 |
Don't you get smart with me, |
| 01:09:58 |
It is not my fault that you decided |
| 01:10:06 |
-...fair-weather Protestant. |
| 01:10:08 |
Ordaining women. |
| 01:10:10 |
-And marrying the homosexuals. |
| 01:10:12 |
Well, it's true. |
| 01:10:14 |
A religion with all of the spirituality |
| 01:10:20 |
Oh, please. |
| 01:10:22 |
It's not right. |
| 01:10:23 |
[DOOR OPENS] |
| 01:10:25 |
Well, now, look who the Lord has chosen |
| 01:10:30 |
We need to talk. |
| 01:10:32 |
-Good gracious, Daniel, your face. |
| 01:10:36 |
-Babe, I'm sorry. |
| 01:10:40 |
The wedding is ruined. Look at your face! |
| 01:10:43 |
Enough, Mom. |
| 01:10:46 |
Oh, my-- Well, we have to postpone it. |
| 01:10:48 |
I cannot display your wedding photos |
| 01:10:53 |
This isn't about you and your baloney. |
| 01:10:58 |
Honey, are you okay? |
| 01:11:02 |
Babe. |
| 01:11:03 |
God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker |
| 01:11:07 |
Look, I get it. |
| 01:11:10 |
Are you okay? |
| 01:11:12 |
I'm fine. |
| 01:11:15 |
[LAUGHING] |
| 01:11:18 |
You better stop laughing. |
| 01:11:20 |
-You don't look fine. |
| 01:11:23 |
Baby. |
| 01:11:25 |
Gross. We have to go. |
| 01:11:28 |
-I'll work you over like I did these guys. |
| 01:11:31 |
DAN: |
| 01:11:35 |
-Dude, what's good for positive thinking? |
| 01:11:39 |
Exercise is supposed to be good, |
| 01:11:42 |
We have class. |
| 01:11:43 |
That place we pay 35 grand a year |
| 01:11:46 |
Eh, that place is dumb. |
| 01:11:48 |
Have you talked to Dan? |
| 01:11:50 |
I tried calling him a bunch of times, |
| 01:11:53 |
What? He's not actually pissed, is he? |
| 01:11:56 |
Has your id-driven narcissism |
| 01:11:59 |
...of the ability to evaluate |
| 01:12:02 |
-Dude, this is not that big of a deal. |
| 01:12:04 |
How have you gotten this far in life |
| 01:12:08 |
I'll apologize to him tomorrow |
| 01:12:11 |
That way we can be done |
| 01:12:15 |
God truly does protect children and fools, |
| 01:12:19 |
DAN: |
| 01:12:21 |
KRISTY: Really? |
| 01:12:24 |
No meat, just abs. |
| 01:12:26 |
[KRISTY LAUGHS] |
| 01:12:27 |
Oh, this sounds good. Kick his ass. |
| 01:12:29 |
[KNOCKING] |
| 01:12:30 |
-I'm so tired. |
| 01:12:33 |
Yay. |
| 01:12:39 |
It's Tucker. You wanna talk to him? |
| 01:12:47 |
Hey, is Dan here? |
| 01:12:54 |
Yo, dude. |
| 01:12:56 |
Can I come in? Talk? |
| 01:13:00 |
I'm coming in. |
| 01:13:02 |
Yo, Dan. Dude. |
| 01:13:07 |
Sorry. |
| 01:13:14 |
[TURNS TV OFF] |
| 01:13:22 |
Whatever. |
| 01:13:34 |
Okay. |
| 01:13:37 |
All right, what should I do? |
| 01:13:39 |
-Apologize sincerely. |
| 01:13:42 |
Tucker, what kind of fantasy world |
| 01:13:45 |
One word and a guy head nod |
| 01:13:47 |
What am I supposed to say? |
| 01:13:50 |
Do you understand |
| 01:13:53 |
He lied to me for you. |
| 01:13:55 |
He landed in jail because you failed |
| 01:13:58 |
-I didn't make him lie to you. |
| 01:14:02 |
-To protect you. |
| 01:14:05 |
From his future wife thinking his best friend |
| 01:14:10 |
Except for you know what? |
| 01:14:12 |
Because I always knew you were selfish. |
| 01:14:15 |
Now I worry |
| 01:14:17 |
...that I can't trust |
| 01:14:20 |
-It was a bachelor party. |
| 01:14:24 |
You don't understand. |
| 01:14:26 |
Part of friendship is knowing boundaries. |
| 01:14:30 |
-Yeah, of course. |
| 01:14:32 |
Yeah. |
| 01:14:33 |
What? So you just ignored them? |
| 01:14:35 |
Pushed right past them? |
| 01:14:36 |
He sacrificed |
| 01:14:39 |
...and you couldn't sacrifice |
| 01:14:44 |
And you wonder why you're not welcome |
| 01:14:52 |
I'm not invited? |
| 01:14:55 |
No, Tucker, you're not. |
| 01:15:02 |
There's no way. What does Dan say? |
| 01:15:05 |
You don't get it. |
| 01:15:10 |
It's Dan who doesn't want you there. |
| 01:15:18 |
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] |
| 01:15:22 |
Fuck it. |
| 01:15:31 |
[RINGTONE PLAYING] |
| 01:15:34 |
It's Tucker. |
| 01:15:37 |
-Thanks. |
| 01:15:40 |
-What's up? |
| 01:15:42 |
Nothing. Lara's here. |
| 01:15:44 |
Oh, cool, let's all hang out. |
| 01:15:47 |
Get some drinks. |
| 01:15:50 |
Yeah, no thanks. |
| 01:15:52 |
We got a long day tomorrow. |
| 01:15:54 |
Getting pussy doesn't mean |
| 01:15:58 |
Yes, Tucker. Insult us |
| 01:16:02 |
-That will make the difference. |
| 01:16:05 |
You already submarined |
| 01:16:08 |
I'd like a chance to see if mine can float |
| 01:16:12 |
I gotta go. |
| 01:16:25 |
[ELEVATOR DINGS] |
| 01:16:29 |
Fuck them if they can't take a joke. |
| 01:16:32 |
I have 2 cats. A girl and a boy. |
| 01:16:35 |
Abigail Lulu Dibiase |
| 01:16:39 |
Why do you own cats? |
| 01:16:42 |
Do you enjoy having big boxes of shit |
| 01:16:45 |
-I clean the litter boxes every day. |
| 01:16:49 |
Does it not bother you |
| 01:16:51 |
They could give a fuck about you. |
| 01:16:52 |
Not my cats. |
| 01:16:54 |
They're not like regular cats, |
| 01:16:57 |
[LAUGHS] |
| 01:16:58 |
Now, see, that is right on cue. |
| 01:17:01 |
Now, you know |
| 01:17:08 |
A fucking dog. |
| 01:17:13 |
There's no need to thank me. |
| 01:17:19 |
The silent, awed adoration |
| 01:17:33 |
What you doing? |
| 01:17:37 |
I'm talking to the turtles. |
| 01:17:39 |
[LAUGHING] |
| 01:17:45 |
Are they telling you to kill |
| 01:17:49 |
Because that's what |
| 01:17:56 |
What? How can you be mad about that? |
| 01:17:58 |
-Fat girls aren't real people. |
| 01:18:03 |
Well, usually I don't say it. |
| 01:18:06 |
And then I come in, pick up the girl |
| 01:18:11 |
WOMAN: |
| 01:18:13 |
That's one of the beginning stages |
| 01:18:17 |
Oh, I am way past the beginning stages. |
| 01:18:19 |
I already hide liquor |
| 01:18:22 |
-That's sad. |
| 01:18:25 |
Think about it. |
| 01:18:27 |
What are the detriments to drinking? |
| 01:18:29 |
-I don't know. |
| 01:18:31 |
Okay, how about it hurts relationships |
| 01:18:34 |
I don't like my family |
| 01:18:37 |
How about it causes |
| 01:18:39 |
I drive way too fast |
| 01:18:42 |
Now, it costs money. I'll give you that. |
| 01:18:44 |
But I'm gonna spend my money |
| 01:18:47 |
Better on alcohol |
| 01:18:50 |
How about it causes |
| 01:18:53 |
I'm an asshole when I'm sober, |
| 01:18:56 |
Now, think about its benefits. |
| 01:19:00 |
Makes ugly people attractive, |
| 01:19:03 |
It makes hot girls like me. |
| 01:19:06 |
Motherfucker! |
| 01:19:07 |
Oh, Mongo got angry! Mongo smash! |
| 01:19:10 |
You just totally blew your chance, |
| 01:19:12 |
There you were standing by yourself... |
| 01:19:14 |
when 2 hot girls |
| 01:19:18 |
-What hot girls? |
| 01:19:21 |
That was gonna be my question too. |
| 01:19:23 |
-God bless your overworked heart. |
| 01:19:27 |
That really cuts deep. |
| 01:19:30 |
The only way that I could cut you deep |
| 01:19:35 |
-Yo, yo, did you hear that chick? |
| 01:19:39 |
TUCKER: They look like they're a 10 |
| 01:19:42 |
What do you mean? You can count |
| 01:19:46 |
MAN 1: Let's go. |
| 01:19:48 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:19:52 |
Hey, Olive Oyl, I can't believe |
| 01:19:56 |
That's fucked up. |
| 01:19:57 |
At least I'm not at the bar |
| 01:20:06 |
Fuck you, fatty. |
| 01:20:14 |
MAN: |
| 01:20:24 |
Hey, how's it going? |
| 01:20:34 |
-This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful. |
| 01:20:37 |
You married or do you wear that |
| 01:20:40 |
No, I'm actually married. |
| 01:20:42 |
-Then how good is your marriage? |
| 01:20:47 |
-Then what are you doing here? |
| 01:20:52 |
Come on, isn't that just code for: |
| 01:20:55 |
"Hey, let's get drunk |
| 01:20:59 |
Maybe for the girls you hang out with. |
| 01:21:01 |
Are you calling my mom a slut? |
| 01:21:07 |
Does she know you talk like that? |
| 01:21:09 |
Does your husband know |
| 01:21:21 |
-Does it really fucking matter? |
| 01:21:24 |
You're not gonna invite me in? |
| 01:21:29 |
-There's only one toilet. |
| 01:21:37 |
WOMAN: Do you always hit on women |
| 01:21:40 |
Nope. |
| 01:21:42 |
-Only hot ones I want to sleep with. |
| 01:21:46 |
Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you, |
| 01:21:50 |
I'd never even leave your vaginal area, |
| 01:21:55 |
[WOMAN CHUCKLES] |
| 01:21:57 |
You are a naughty little boy. |
| 01:21:59 |
What makes you think |
| 01:22:02 |
Oh, please. |
| 01:22:03 |
I'm gonna hit it so hard... |
| 01:22:05 |
...whoever pulls me out of you |
| 01:22:29 |
-Excuse us. |
| 01:22:32 |
-You're next, Gertrude. |
| 01:22:43 |
[STOMACH GRUMBLING] |
| 01:22:46 |
Fuck. |
| 01:23:02 |
[STOMACH GRUMBLING] |
| 01:23:04 |
-Are you all right? |
| 01:23:20 |
-Ready? |
| 01:23:22 |
[FARTS] |
| 01:23:24 |
What the fuck? |
| 01:23:26 |
I gotta take a shit. |
| 01:23:27 |
No, wait. I gotta go first, okay? |
| 01:23:29 |
-What? |
| 01:23:32 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:23:40 |
[GRUMBLING CONTINUES] |
| 01:23:47 |
[WOMAN FARTING] |
| 01:23:50 |
Goddamn. |
| 01:23:54 |
-What are you doing in there? |
| 01:23:57 |
It doesn't sound like nothing. Hurry up! |
| 01:24:01 |
I'll be right out. |
| 01:24:04 |
Turn on the fan. |
| 01:24:08 |
Light a match or something. |
| 01:24:11 |
Oh, fuck. |
| 01:24:13 |
-I'm sorry. Oh, no. |
| 01:24:16 |
-I'm not feeling so good. |
| 01:24:18 |
I should go. |
| 01:24:19 |
-No, no, no, what? |
| 01:24:21 |
Fuck, what is that smell? Holy shit. |
| 01:24:26 |
Fuck! You clogged it. |
| 01:24:29 |
You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet. |
| 01:24:31 |
What kind of constipated meth-head bowel |
| 01:24:35 |
WOMAN: |
| 01:24:39 |
Hello? |
| 01:24:42 |
Oh, fuck. |
| 01:25:06 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:25:08 |
-Where's the bathroom? |
| 01:25:10 |
Main lobby. |
| 01:25:13 |
What lobby is--? Oh, fuck it. |
| 01:25:25 |
Fucking shit! Where's the bathroom? |
| 01:25:27 |
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] |
| 01:25:29 |
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] |
| 01:25:40 |
Which way is the fucking...? |
| 01:25:52 |
[FARTING] |
| 01:25:57 |
Oh, no, no, no. |
| 01:25:59 |
Fuck. |
| 01:26:02 |
Fuck. |
| 01:26:04 |
Oh, fuck, no. |
| 01:26:14 |
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. |
| 01:26:35 |
Shit. |
| 01:27:20 |
Oh, fuck. |
| 01:27:27 |
Fuck! |
| 01:27:56 |
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING |
| 01:28:28 |
I'm sorry. |
| 01:28:31 |
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] |
| 01:29:03 |
God, I hope they serve beer in hell. |
| 01:29:08 |
MAN: |
| 01:29:11 |
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] |
| 01:29:18 |
And now will you please rise? |
| 01:29:21 |
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] |
| 01:29:34 |
Yep. |
| 01:29:36 |
Yeah. Yeah, I know. |
| 01:29:38 |
Yep, yep. The biggest one you got. |
| 01:29:41 |
Okay, thank you very much. |
| 01:29:45 |
Hold it. Hold it. Good. |
| 01:29:46 |
This is good. Okay. Can I get you |
| 01:29:52 |
WOMAN: This time, all she could do |
| 01:29:55 |
They couldn't stop looking at each other |
| 01:29:58 |
After that, I knew he was a keeper. |
| 01:30:01 |
And I was right. I love you, Kristy. |
| 01:30:18 |
Hey, I'm Jeff. |
| 01:30:22 |
Dan and I go way back. |
| 01:30:24 |
In fact, I kind of feel like |
| 01:30:27 |
[CHUCKLING] |
| 01:30:28 |
When Dan told he'd met the girl |
| 01:30:32 |
...I didn't believe it. |
| 01:30:33 |
Only a few short years ago, |
| 01:30:36 |
...and now |
| 01:30:40 |
MAN: |
| 01:30:42 |
JEFF: I have known Kristy |
| 01:30:45 |
and I couldn't ask |
| 01:30:47 |
Here is to my little bro and his bride. |
| 01:30:55 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:30:58 |
Some of you may not know me. |
| 01:31:01 |
Dan's my best friend. |
| 01:31:03 |
At least he was, until last week when I took |
| 01:31:09 |
I forced him into lying to Kristy, |
| 01:31:12 |
got him abusively drunk, and then |
| 01:31:16 |
I am the reason that, on the most |
| 01:31:20 |
Dan's face looks like |
| 01:31:23 |
KRISTY: |
| 01:31:24 |
TUCKER: The worst part is, I didn't know |
| 01:31:27 |
I was just doing what I've always done, |
| 01:31:31 |
And to be honest, |
| 01:31:35 |
Up until about 24 hours ago... |
| 01:31:37 |
when my selfishness |
| 01:31:40 |
...and cost me Dan's friendship |
| 01:31:45 |
Still, I shrugged it off |
| 01:31:50 |
I'm not gonna bore you, |
| 01:31:54 |
...and ended the night |
| 01:31:57 |
...uncontrollably shitting my pants. |
| 01:31:58 |
[GROANING] |
| 01:32:02 |
Ha-ha. No, really, |
| 01:32:05 |
And continuing |
| 01:32:08 |
I left my mess, went back to my |
| 01:32:12 |
The only thing that kept me |
| 01:32:17 |
was all the knocking at the door. |
| 01:32:19 |
[KNOCKING] |
| 01:32:25 |
Staring into her angry, overworked face, |
| 01:32:34 |
Someone else |
| 01:32:38 |
And for the past few years, |
| 01:32:42 |
At 3 in the morning, |
| 01:32:47 |
literally cleaning up my own shit |
| 01:32:53 |
I finally understood |
| 01:32:56 |
and how lucky I am... |
| 01:33:00 |
or was, to call him my friend. |
| 01:33:06 |
Dan, Kristy. |
| 01:33:14 |
When I came to your hotel room last night |
| 01:33:17 |
I honestly didn't understand |
| 01:33:20 |
But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me. |
| 01:33:25 |
It's hit me |
| 01:33:33 |
I've been a terrible friend. |
| 01:33:36 |
And even though I probably don't deserve |
| 01:33:39 |
...I had to come down here and tell you that |
| 01:33:43 |
And I hope you will accept |
| 01:33:48 |
Now.... |
| 01:33:51 |
I know that this is probably gonna scare |
| 01:33:55 |
...but I hope to have kids someday. |
| 01:33:59 |
And I'm sure |
| 01:34:03 |
...and they will all be vicious sluts |
| 01:34:06 |
...and throw back it in my face. |
| 01:34:10 |
If one is a boy, though... |
| 01:34:12 |
...I would consider myself |
| 01:34:16 |
...if he grew up to be half the man |
| 01:34:21 |
That's so sweet. |
| 01:34:24 |
Strippers. |
| 01:34:26 |
TUCKER: |
| 01:34:33 |
I never thanked you... |
| 01:34:36 |
...never acknowledged you... |
| 01:34:40 |
...never even really thought about it. |
| 01:34:48 |
I'm really sorry. |
| 01:34:52 |
[PEOPLE APPLAUDING] |
| 01:35:09 |
So for once, |
| 01:35:12 |
-No. |
| 01:35:14 |
Let's go. Get up. |
| 01:35:17 |
Wedding's going outside. |
| 01:35:23 |
You're gonna love it. |
| 01:35:25 |
Here we go. Come on, come on. |
| 01:35:39 |
Yeah. Yeah. |
| 01:35:45 |
Get it. Go get it. |
| 01:36:33 |
MAN 1: |
| 01:36:38 |
MAN 2: |
| 01:36:41 |
[MUTED DIALOGUE] |
| 01:36:51 |
[SILVERWARE CLINKING ON GLASSES] |
| 01:36:57 |
[PEOPLE LAUGHING] |
| 01:36:58 |
WOMEN: |
| 01:37:26 |
Tucker, I gotta say, |
| 01:37:30 |
I didn't know what you were gonna do. |
| 01:37:32 |
That speech was really good. |
| 01:37:34 |
Thank you. You guys deserve it. |
| 01:37:37 |
Yeah, we did. |
| 01:37:40 |
Come here. |
| 01:37:42 |
Congratulations. |
| 01:37:44 |
-Weddings are gay. |
| 01:37:46 |
-You're welcome. |
| 01:38:02 |
Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack. |
| 01:38:06 |
Bye. |
| 01:38:09 |
All right, you really fucked a midget? |
| 01:38:17 |
Oh, yeah. |
| 01:38:18 |
When she's riding you, |
| 01:38:22 |
Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow. |
| 01:38:26 |
-Did you really shit the lobby? |
| 01:38:29 |
Did you really clean it up? |
| 01:38:31 |
Well, the janitor did show up |
| 01:38:34 |
You guys have known me for many years. |
| 01:38:37 |
[KNOCKING] |
| 01:38:41 |
Subtitles: Arigon |
| 01:38:58 |
I knew it. |
| 01:39:01 |
Un-fucking-believable, bro. |
| 01:39:04 |
You show up at my wedding, |
| 01:39:07 |
It's not all bullshit. |
| 01:39:09 |
I don't need to actually clean up the mess |
| 01:39:12 |
I don't even know why |
| 01:39:15 |
Oh, dude. |
| 01:39:22 |
I'll be right back. |
| 01:39:26 |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful. |
| 01:39:30 |
Watch your step. |
| 01:39:37 |
That's my cousin. |
