I Want Candy

en
00:00:33 Dearly beloved,
00:00:34 we are gathered here today to mourn
00:00:39 a loving father, a doting grandfather
00:00:45 I was lucky enough
00:00:47 towards the end of his illness
00:00:49 and, despite the sad circumstances,
00:00:54 knowing that I would be greeted
00:00:58 for which he and Irene were so...
00:01:01 Look, I'm sorry, this won't do.
00:01:03 This family is grieving.
00:01:06 This family has paid
00:01:10 A lasting memory of a fond farewell.
00:01:14 I got you as far as, "I always used
00:01:18 Look, go away.
00:01:22 Piss off!
00:01:24 Yeah, Bags, I think we've got enough.
00:01:28 OK.
00:01:29 Good job. Thanks, everyone,
00:01:31 That's great. Could you not look
00:01:34 I told you to piss off!
00:01:55 Hey, Baggy! Wait up!
00:01:58 Bags!
00:02:02 All right?
00:02:04 So, good news.
00:02:05 Fat Kenny Radford's grandmother died.
00:02:12 No. Right.
00:02:13 I still think it's a good idea.
00:02:16 Funeral videos are a niche market.
00:02:20 I just want to make my own film.
00:02:22 Come on, Bags. Do you think
00:02:25 Ridley Scott, right, had to sell a lung
00:02:29 We'll laugh about this
00:02:31 Are we? Are we?
00:02:34 There he is,
00:02:36 We'll make the first Oscar-winning
00:02:40 We can't stop now, man. We're this close.
00:02:43 You are going to be up on that podium,
00:02:45 your agent, your producer.
00:02:47 Thank you? Thanking you for what?
00:02:49 - Making me do shit I don't want to do?
00:02:54 Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.
00:02:59 Yep, I know what you're thinking.
00:03:01 A major yawnathon, but hear me out,
00:03:05 is effing cool.
00:03:07 So, fasten your seatbelts, we're about
00:03:11 In the words of Vanilla Ice,
00:03:14 because the film I'm about to show you
00:03:18 Uno.
00:03:19 It paved the way for the experimental
00:03:24 And, dos, it's a short film.
00:03:27 The very same medium we shall be
00:03:31 "What's that, Mr D? Short films? Two minutes?"
00:03:34 "No sweat. Easy. "
00:03:36 Wrong, sailor, incorrect.
00:03:39 Because it's not about how long it is. Is it?
00:03:43 It's about what you do with it.
00:03:50 So, yeah, granted, it's slightly different
00:03:54 But it's a challenging format and I...
00:03:57 Excuse me, Mr Dulberg, sorry.
00:04:02 Well, if it isn't Leatherhead's
00:04:06 We've been working on it for three years.
00:04:08 Yes, sorry about that, lads.
00:04:10 My bad. I think you've got some editing to do.
00:04:12 What? To two minutes?
00:04:15 Guys, can we,
00:04:17 This is Leatherhead University, OK? Not UCLA.
00:04:21 If you want a calling card, go to the printer's.
00:04:27 Maybe it's for the best, darling.
00:04:30 It was going to be our ticket to Hollywood.
00:04:32 - Can I speak for you, Val?
00:04:37 The entertainment industry is
00:04:42 Now, we admire your ambition, Joe.
00:04:45 You've got to follow your dream.
00:04:47 That way, when you fail, you can always say,
00:04:52 Gotcha. Thanks, Dad.
00:04:55 Why don't you come in to work
00:04:58 Get the feel of the place. Start learning
00:05:01 That's a wonderful idea, Dad.
00:05:04 Joe?
00:05:06 Yeah, Dad, it sounds great,
00:05:08 but I think I've got to...
00:05:10 do things all day.
00:05:14 Well, let's do it soon, all right?
00:05:16 Term ends in a couple of months and
00:05:19 After that, it's you and me.
00:05:21 Clarke & Son School of Motoring.
00:05:24 Seven top-of-the-range Fiestas.
00:05:29 You're set for life.
00:05:44 Could you two find somewhere else to mope?
00:05:47 Three years of film school, Lila,
00:05:50 At least it's a job, Joe.
00:05:51 - It's a shit job.
00:05:54 It's the only job that is not only extremely boring,
00:05:59 - I'll be trapped in Leatherhead forever.
00:06:02 Sure, Hollywood's all right,
00:06:05 Does it have a big Tesco?
00:06:07 No. No, you're right, it's rubbish.
00:06:11 and cool parties and premieres
00:06:14 Grace Kelly, Cameron Diaz. Jessica Rabbit.
00:06:19 Yeah, you know you would.
00:06:23 You two are pathetic.
00:06:26 but all you ever do is sit around here
00:06:28 You're all bark and no bite.
00:06:30 "All fart and no follow through,"
00:06:32 I follow through. I am doing stuff.
00:06:34 - Pestering the recently bereaved?
00:06:38 What I'm saying is,
00:06:41 dead-end college lecturer stand in your way?
00:06:43 Did Tarantino ask his teacher for
00:06:47 London is 20 miles down the road,
00:06:48 crammed full of film companies
00:06:51 Yeah.
00:06:52 Bags, don't be so negative.
00:06:54 No, no, you're right. We need to get out there.
00:06:58 Let's take this mountain to Mohammed.
00:07:00 Baggy, start the car,
00:07:07 The film industry is just like
00:07:10 It's all about supply and demand.
00:07:12 Film companies demand a great script and we
00:07:16 We're like a dream come true for these guys.
00:07:19 And we're going straight to the big dogs.
00:07:21 Working Title. The most successful
00:07:35 So, we're just going to walk in there,
00:07:39 Come on, Bags, don't be so negative.
00:07:41 It's like God said to Moses,
00:07:44 Wasn't that the fella from Wham?
00:07:45 - No, Moses was never in Wham.
00:07:51 Hi, there. Joe Clarke, producer.
00:07:54 Oh, my God, do men get lost in your eyes?
00:07:57 If you keep pointing those things at me, I'm
00:08:02 And I'm hungry.
00:08:05 Tasty!
00:08:07 Hello, Working Title.
00:08:09 Yes.
00:08:14 Wonderful.
00:08:17 - Sorry, sir. You were saying?
00:08:21 What?
00:08:23 Because of the eyes thing.
00:08:26 You've got massive eyes.
00:08:28 - Sorry, can I help you?
00:08:32 - Right. Do you have an appointment?
00:08:36 - Really?
00:08:39 Hang on, because we're Working Title.
00:08:42 This is fantastic news.
00:08:43 I'll ring Mr Bevan and Mr Fellner,
00:08:47 They're in a big meeting with Universal Studios,
00:08:51 I'm going to get them
00:08:53 then the guys and the girls
00:08:56 and we'll all go out for champagne
00:09:00 - Are you being sarcastic?
00:09:03 You do need an appointment.
00:09:04 I can't see your name here, Mr Clarke.
00:09:07 - I'm sorry.
00:09:09 Just think, they could have stopped checking at
00:09:14 No? OK. Well, Mr Brown,
00:09:17 - Our appointment's not in the book.
00:09:21 I'm Mr Brown.
00:09:23 I'm terribly sorry.
00:09:28 - 11 o'clock to see Graham Rose?
00:09:30 - Do you want to go through?
00:09:33 It's The Big Chill meets Remains Of The Day.
00:09:36 It's kind of a noir romance,
00:09:40 It's a drama, but it's witty.
00:09:42 Classic themes, but with a contemporary edge.
00:09:45 Baggy, set the stage.
00:09:47 Night. Thunder.
00:09:50 Lightning. Rain.
00:09:52 A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.
00:09:56 Hands bound, face muddied,
00:09:59 This is the story of an enigmatic woman
00:10:01 who enters the lives of two people
00:10:04 - Enemies become friends...
00:10:07 I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown.
00:10:09 I thought you were just going
00:10:13 That's it, Joe. I want to go home now.
00:10:16 Do you know how long it took
00:10:18 It took him ten, long, painful years
00:10:20 and we've been at it for, like,
00:10:23 The good news is we're not making
00:10:26 about a bald bloke in a nappy.
00:10:28 Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece,
00:10:30 Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam...
00:10:33 Bags! Bags!
00:10:36 It's like a sign.
00:10:38 It is a sign.
00:10:42 If you're looking for Angeline, she's next door.
00:10:46 No, we've come to see you,
00:10:48 We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment.
00:10:50 Producer Joe Clarke.
00:10:53 We've got a very exciting project for you,
00:10:56 Baggy, do the pitch.
00:10:57 Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.
00:11:00 - Show these two wankers the door.
00:11:03 I know you're a very busy man,
00:11:06 This is a great pitch.
00:11:09 Accolades. Awards.
00:11:12 All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go.
00:11:14 Night. Thunder.
00:11:15 Lightning. Rain.
00:11:17 A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.
00:11:20 This is the story of an enigmatic woman
00:11:22 who enters the lives of two people
00:11:25 Enemies become friends.
00:11:28 - She was a stranger...
00:11:33 Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't enough
00:11:36 You two tadpoles come wandering in
00:11:39 You've got chutzpah, I like that.
00:11:43 You might have some girl next door
00:11:46 Or a colony of midget friends
00:11:48 You're calling it Itty Bitty Gang Bang.
00:11:49 Then you start talking about awards,
00:11:52 without one single mention
00:11:55 Do you see that?
00:11:57 Now that is the only thing that gets the
00:12:03 - Candy Fiveways.
00:12:06 Yes. She was in I Candy 2.
00:12:08 - And?
00:12:11 It was her sexiest role yet.
00:12:13 "We laughed, we cried,
00:12:15 Listen, Candy Fiveways is the biggest
00:12:19 The patron saint of the old Nescafé handshake.
00:12:21 She's got three Cocks.
00:12:25 Golden Cockerels. The Oscars
00:12:28 A first-class ticket to the big time.
00:12:31 Now, if you had her in your film,
00:12:33 but you don't, so we can't and I'm a busy man.
00:12:35 Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago.
00:12:37 Robby, sling 'em out.
00:12:45 That went well. We just got a movie offer.
00:12:49 What?
00:12:51 In amongst the tough-guy stuff was a message.
00:12:53 "A bit of a rewrite, the right cast,
00:12:55 No. No, no. No way.
00:12:58 No, I can't make a film like that.
00:13:00 Everybody started somewhere.
00:13:10 Not a chance. I can't do that.
00:13:12 You don't have to do that.
00:13:17 Baggy, don't give up on me now.
00:13:19 Sex does not automatically
00:13:22 Well, Scorsese did have to cut
00:13:25 There you go.
00:13:27 They all did.
00:13:29 Could reinvent the genre for
00:13:33 Or you could take the The Love Storm
00:13:37 - Hello, we're home! Hi, Baggy.
00:13:40 You missed another exciting day
00:13:43 Three passes and one fail.
00:13:46 - What are you watching?
00:13:47 It's nothing. Just some stuff for college.
00:13:51 I see. One of those old,
00:13:53 - A little bit highbrow, is it?
00:13:56 - Where's the remote?
00:13:59 - We like a good thriller, don't we, Valerie?
00:14:04 Yes! Yes! Yes!
00:14:10 Well, then, you wouldn't be interested in this.
00:14:12 This is just academic, highbrow, intellectual stuff.
00:14:19 Yes, that's right. Nothing like a good comedy.
00:14:23 We love a good laugh.
00:14:27 Soapy Tit Wank.
00:14:29 - You call this highbrow?
00:14:32 Yeah, that's...
00:14:33 That's a Czechoslovakian, pre-war,
00:14:38 about hygiene.
00:14:44 The Shawshank Redemption.
00:14:47 American Beauty.
00:14:50 Shaving Ryan's Privates?
00:14:53 Baggy, Shaving Ryan's Privates?
00:14:56 - Research material.
00:14:58 Do you want American Beauty and Shawshank
00:15:01 No. Yeah. Of course I do.
00:15:03 It really is research for my script, you know,
00:15:08 The Love Storm?
00:15:11 Yeah, except the narrative has expanded
00:15:15 Genre splicing. Good idea.
00:15:18 It's more of a character piece.
00:15:20 So, more emotional depth?
00:15:24 It's more of a porn film.
00:15:27 Right, right, a porn film. You should have said.
00:15:31 A I bit too much cock in that one.
00:15:33 But if you want to know about porn,
00:15:38 Welcome to my world.
00:15:40 This'll be a voyage of discovery for you, boy.
00:15:49 - Hi, I've come to meet Miss Fiveways.
00:15:53 You're good. You are very good.
00:15:57 A Candy Fiveways film. Your address.
00:16:00 - Busted.
00:16:03 We distribute films made by other people.
00:16:07 You distribute?
00:16:09 That's excellento.
00:16:13 But you must know how to get hold of her.
00:16:14 - Do you have a number?
00:16:17 Tiffany.
00:16:18 Hey, it's me. It's Joe. Remember?
00:16:21 Hey, look, there. Look at that smile!
00:16:24 That smile is wasted here.
00:16:27 - You really think so?
00:16:29 Come on. How about that number?
00:16:31 I'm not really supposed to, but...
00:16:34 we do have a number here for...
00:16:37 Fiveways International.
00:16:39 This is it.
00:16:40 Tiffany?
00:16:41 Without you, this company would sink
00:16:46 Love you, Tiffany Thomas.
00:16:48 And I love you...
00:16:52 Joe Clarke.
00:17:01 Fiveways International. Clive Purves.
00:17:03 Hello there, Clive. Tell me,
00:17:07 - Yes, we do.
00:17:09 I'm a film producer, making a film and...
00:17:12 Well, how do I put this?
00:17:14 I want Candy.
00:17:15 Well, let me see. Candy Fiveways...
00:17:19 Yeah.
00:17:21 She's available. Do you want single entry,
00:17:26 - As in?
00:17:28 the more positions are possible.
00:17:30 I mean, she does it all, but for a price.
00:17:32 Yes, silly of me. I don't think we should
00:17:35 - How much for the full executive?
00:17:38 £250 plus VAT.
00:17:42 So, it's that easy?
00:17:45 Tell me, what's she like?
00:17:49 Well, she's got blonde hair,
00:17:52 red lips,
00:17:53 a nice bum.
00:17:55 Is she smart? You know, funny?
00:17:58 She's a doll.
00:18:00 Yeah.
00:18:02 I hear you.
00:18:07 Adult entertainment, erotica, blue movies,
00:18:10 Essentially, all porno is exactly the same.
00:18:13 It's boy meets girl. They kiss.
00:18:16 She smokes a little cock, he eats
00:18:19 Vaginal first. Romance is not dead.
00:18:21 Then, one up the bum,
00:18:24 I don't make the rules. It happens.
00:18:25 Finally, bukkake. She's left embarrassed.
00:18:28 Egg on her face, so to speak.
00:18:30 - Yeah, well, I want to change all that.
00:18:33 So you want him to come on her first?
00:18:36 You don't understand
00:18:38 It's not based on the same criteria
00:18:41 If someone rents a normal movie,
00:18:43 watches it for ten minutes, switches it off,
00:18:46 With pornography, quite the reverse.
00:18:49 I want to make the first adult movie
00:18:53 They'll tug themselves numb!
00:18:55 But, if you can do it, you'll have
00:18:57 of gentlemen's special-interest cinema.
00:19:00 If anyone can do it, you can, mate.
00:19:05 One more thing, Baggy.
00:19:06 There's a saying in show business,
00:19:09 Nowhere is that truer than porno.
00:19:18 "The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone. "
00:19:25 "The warrior must live like he's already dead. "
00:19:27 Come.
00:19:32 Mr Perry,
00:19:34 I know you're a very busy man,
00:19:38 - I've got Candy.
00:19:40 For The Love Storm.
00:19:43 Well, I've got her.
00:19:44 I spoke to her management.
00:19:47 Bollocks you have!
00:19:49 Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
00:19:51 I've had the people at Bell End Pictures
00:19:54 Probably more their sort of thing, anyway.
00:19:57 Robby, get Mr Clarke a chair.
00:20:08 You've got Candy?
00:20:11 Her agents drove quite a hard bargain,
00:20:14 She's very excited. I'm very excited.
00:20:17 Well, well, well.
00:20:21 Doughnut?
00:20:49 Congratulations, Joe.
00:20:53 I look forward to working with Miss Fiveways.
00:20:55 And I'm sure Miss Fiveways is looking
00:20:59 - Robby!
00:21:02 Yeah. You're a producer. You know
00:21:06 We did experience a few minor difficulties
00:21:10 Cash flow. You know the sort of thing.
00:21:12 I bear no grudge, but I do think it would
00:21:17 to our subsidiary film-developing arm.
00:21:21 Big Bang Pictures.
00:21:24 - Big Bang Pictures?
00:21:28 Think of us as a silent partner.
00:21:30 "Silent" being the operative word.
00:21:32 No-one hears about this deal. Understand?
00:21:36 What deal?
00:21:38 I do not understand. Why would...
00:21:41 Hi, guys. What's the haps?
00:21:45 We make a film, a political allegory.
00:21:47 The chicken, he represent
00:21:53 and the sky, she represent the hope.
00:21:57 - And the balloons?
00:22:00 - Hi.
00:22:02 You top-student, filmmaker guys.
00:22:04 And you, top sound, camera, lighting guys.
00:22:08 Listen, we're going to need a crew.
00:22:13 Chicken!
00:22:14 - Brilliant. Are you in?
00:22:16 Sorry, no.
00:22:20 For us to make a commercial film
00:22:24 to make chicken nuggets.
00:22:25 We make chicken in a basket.
00:22:27 Fair enough.
00:22:29 It's not your sort of thing, anyway.
00:22:31 There will be some girls in it and nudity.
00:22:34 Imagine shooting that first scene.
00:22:38 She's walking towards you.
00:22:40 Long hair cascades down,
00:22:43 Swinging hips,
00:22:49 Then, she leans forward
00:22:52 "It's time for your bed bath. "
00:22:55 Her crisp, white nurse's uniform
00:22:59 heaving breasts.
00:23:02 She wants you.
00:23:05 She wants you.
00:23:09 - But we'll find someone else.
00:23:13 - Your chicken's getting away.
00:23:42 OK, people.
00:23:43 Everyone ready? Everyone excited?
00:23:45 If a member of staff so much as
00:23:49 Right. Then we get rid of anything that doesn't
00:23:54 Like the girls with their boobies out?
00:23:56 For God's sake, Lila.
00:24:00 I know Baggy is, but you're
00:24:04 I can't help thinking it's the boobies.
00:24:07 Hey, I'm realising a dream here.
00:24:09 I was staring at a life in the suburbs,
00:24:13 with nothing to show for myself
00:24:17 failed ambitions and the overwhelming desire
00:24:20 And now, now, we're all actually
00:24:23 that is going to get us out of Leatherhead
00:24:25 That is why I'm excited, Lila, OK?
00:24:29 That and the boobies.
00:24:31 You have never known what it is to be happy.
00:24:35 But wait.
00:24:37 Uncle Vanya, wait!
00:24:40 We shall rest.
00:24:45 That's great, Lucy, really, really great.
00:24:49 Sorry. Baggy, didn't you have something else
00:24:52 What? No. No.
00:24:53 That's all for today. Thank you, Lucy.
00:24:55 Hang on. Sorry.
00:24:58 No. No.
00:25:00 - Yes. You definitely said...
00:25:02 Definitely didn't. It's not the kind of thing I'd say.
00:25:05 - Joe, maybe you should.
00:25:09 Thank you, Lucy. That's all we need.
00:25:11 OK, so you don't want to see my tits, then?
00:25:15 - That won't be necessary.
00:25:17 - Won't be necessary.
00:25:19 # Shake what your mama gave ya,
00:25:22 # Shake what your mama gave ya,
00:25:26 # Shake what your mama gave ya,
00:25:29 # Shake what your mama gave ya,
00:25:32 # Shake what your mama gave ya
00:25:38 Atten-shun!
00:25:41 Left! Right!
00:25:44 Left! Right!
00:25:45 Left, right! Left, right!
00:25:48 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
00:25:59 I think about what might have been,
00:26:05 and went away
00:26:07 and I've never been the same again
00:26:10 Thank you...
00:26:12 Carl, that was, that'll be all.
00:26:16 Excuse me.
00:26:18 Carl, that was a very brave performance.
00:26:21 I know.
00:26:22 I wrote it myself.
00:26:24 It's just about this really,
00:26:26 really emotional time in my life.
00:26:29 I like to draw on everything I can to make
00:26:33 - Could we see you without your shirt on?
00:26:39 Thank you, Carl.
00:26:41 Very nice.
00:26:43 - Joe?
00:26:44 Sorry, mate, you're not really...
00:26:46 - We're looking for something different.
00:26:50 Yeah?
00:26:52 - Great.
00:26:56 Great.
00:26:58 Next!
00:27:11 # Way down deep in the middle of the Congo
00:27:14 # A hippo took an apricot,
00:27:17 # He stuck 'em with the others
00:27:22 # The rhino said,
00:27:25 # Um Bongo, Um Bongo,
00:27:28 # Um Bongo, Um Bongo
00:27:29 # They drink it in the Congo
00:27:33 That's great. We'll be in touch.
00:27:36 Did you like it?
00:27:37 Great choice. It's very powerful, very now.
00:27:40 I made a shield.
00:27:42 I love the shield.
00:27:50 Well, that was some of our best moves.
00:27:53 We've set the standard.
00:28:01 That's a very unusual audition piece, Mai Ling.
00:28:04 You can roll me around like a choo-choo train.
00:28:06 The Ping-Pong balls are the steam.
00:28:11 You want even better? I go get peach.
00:28:18 # Shake what your mama gave ya,
00:28:21 # Shake, shake, shake,
00:28:41 All right, what the hell's going on
00:28:45 Lila Owens.
00:28:46 It's a huge honour.
00:28:48 These two have told me so much about you.
00:28:51 They admire your ability
00:28:55 Really?
00:28:58 Well, "hero" is a big word.
00:29:00 I'm just a guy doing his job.
00:29:17 Good job, guys.
00:29:18 Continuez-vous.
00:29:23 # Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake,
00:29:27 # Shake, shake, shake,
00:29:30 Why don't you roll back on in this way?
00:29:32 She's fine, son.
00:29:38 OK, good. Then this is our cast.
00:29:41 - What about Candy?
00:29:43 I have to sort out costumes.
00:29:46 Come on. She said she will be here.
00:29:50 Package for Joe Clarke.
00:29:52 Yeah, over here. Lila, let me tell you something.
00:29:55 Not only have I negotiated a fantastic deal
00:29:57 with her representative
00:30:01 but he also assured me
00:30:06 So, how's about you trot along
00:30:11 while I prepare myself for the imminent arrival
00:30:14 of one of the most beautiful women
00:30:17 Yeah?
00:30:28 I think she's just arrived.
00:30:33 No.
00:30:37 Wow. I'm in shock.
00:30:39 She looks taller on film, don't you think?
00:30:41 You're in shock? Look at her.
00:30:44 Joe! Do you think this is funny?
00:30:46 No. No.
00:30:48 I don't. I'm just saying that...
00:30:50 Look, hey, I'm a producer, yeah?
00:30:54 There's always problems on a movie shoot.
00:30:56 We saw loads of people today
00:31:00 Come on, yeah? Let's cheer up, shall we?
00:31:03 You, with your little down face. Come on!
00:31:06 Hello. What's this?
00:31:09 It's Miss Candy Fiveways. Hello.
00:31:11 Look at your pretty chops.
00:31:14 Look at her.
00:31:16 Hello.
00:31:18 Miss Owens. Oh, my God,
00:31:22 It's OK.
00:31:26 Joe! Stop it!
00:31:27 Joe, stop!
00:31:32 - Seriously, Joe...
00:31:34 Our investors are expecting
00:31:37 - and you've provided them with a blow-up doll.
00:31:40 Sweetheart, it's going to be fine.
00:31:42 We've got a great cast.
00:31:44 Just leave the money to me, OK?
00:31:47 Many people think the butterfly suffers,
00:31:49 but the chloroform dulls its senses
00:31:52 This way, it won't struggle
00:31:58 So, how's my film?
00:31:59 The film? It's great. Yeah. Fully prepped.
00:32:04 Friends become enemies and
00:32:08 And our star?
00:32:09 Candy? She's great.
00:32:13 I find that very surprising.
00:32:14 That's all water under the bridge.
00:32:18 That's wonderful news.
00:32:20 I find it surprising, Doug,
00:32:22 because she's taking a break from films
00:32:26 She fancies herself as an author. She's in town
00:32:30 You should probably give her a call, Doug.
00:32:32 No, there's no need, Mr De Vere.
00:32:36 She's very excited.
00:32:38 We're very excited. Aren't we?
00:32:40 That's very good, because I paid you
00:32:43 and I expect you to deliver.
00:32:49 Yeah, this is the place.
00:32:52 Don't look much of a film company.
00:33:03 - Are you Mr Dulberg?
00:33:05 I'm looking for Joe Clarke.
00:33:09 Right. Yeah, Joe's one of my students.
00:33:11 Not in at the moment. Probably gone home.
00:33:14 I'm his dad. This is his brother.
00:33:16 Right, well, great kid.
00:33:21 We were hanging out in the rehearsal
00:33:24 Always got something to say.
00:33:26 Well, I'll see if I can shut him up for you.
00:33:31 I thought Joe lived at home with you
00:33:33 Yeah, of course he does. Where's that?
00:33:36 - What?
00:33:38 You don't know where you live?
00:33:39 We both know I know where I live,
00:33:44 Well, I can't just give out students' addresses.
00:33:47 We have the old student-teacher
00:33:51 But it's not his address, is it? It's my address.
00:34:00 8, Chester Crescent.
00:34:03 Hello. Can I help you?
00:34:04 Mr Clarke?
00:34:07 Right. Well, it's a bit late, Mr Dulberg.
00:34:12 - Joe? No, no, good as gold.
00:34:14 He won't be back for a while.
00:34:17 No, don't put yourself out on my account. I'll wait.
00:34:31 There he is!
00:34:33 I was telling Valerie and Stephen
00:34:37 Mr Dulberg here has been waiting
00:34:41 Mr Dulberg?
00:34:44 Yes. He very kindly dropped by to...
00:34:48 I would very much like to talk it out with you,
00:34:52 Show Valerie and Stephen into
00:34:55 - You want us in the dining room?
00:34:57 Got any Wagon Wheels?
00:35:01 Nice suit.
00:35:03 Mr Perry, whatever deal we have is between us,
00:35:07 Joe, as the executive partner of our film,
00:35:10 I've dropped round to double-check
00:35:14 Chiefly, whether you do, indeed, have Candy,
00:35:19 - Any particular reason?
00:35:22 He's not as easy-going as I am.
00:35:24 He's what we, in the trade, call "an evil bastard".
00:35:26 If he thought you'd been spending
00:35:31 let's just say he'll find you and your friend...
00:35:34 Baggy, is it?
00:35:35 Well, that's...
00:35:37 That's lucky, then, because we've got her.
00:35:40 Yep.
00:35:42 Rest assured, she is signed,
00:35:45 How long have you been working
00:35:47 I don't work at the college.
00:35:48 We thought you were an associate
00:35:51 I only just met him. I don't know Mr Dulberg.
00:35:55 - Why are you here, then?
00:35:58 - Ask Doug.
00:36:02 I don't know!
00:36:05 More 'Bena?
00:36:07 I spoke to her this morning, actually,
00:36:11 Jets in tomorrow from LA.
00:36:13 No more bullshit!
00:36:17 Now, you promised me a Candy Fiveways film.
00:36:19 I've promised our investor a Candy Fiveways
00:36:23 - Or?
00:36:28 Can I come in now?
00:36:32 You little monkey.
00:36:35 Now, look, Mr Dulberg, we'd like to
00:36:39 Keep your knickers on. Our job is done here.
00:36:41 Valerie, now, you've got a great kid here,
00:36:44 Always brings me an apple,
00:36:47 and doesn't fuck about too much.
00:36:49 I'm covering the visual event, Mr Dulberg.
00:36:53 Don't worry. We'll see ourselves out.
00:37:01 Bye, Robby.
00:37:08 He's a bit eccentric,
00:37:22 How are we going to recognise her? Think she
00:37:25 Stop being so negative, Bags.
00:37:29 We'll approach her directly this time,
00:37:35 She's the one signing the books.
00:37:38 OK, there are minders either side of her...
00:37:45 # Yes!
00:37:55 Bags?
00:37:57 - Come back...
00:38:01 - You do know how to charm a lady.
00:38:07 I'm in a shitload of trouble.
00:38:09 - Hi. What's your name?
00:38:12 Sam?
00:38:14 - Did you enjoy the film?
00:38:17 I've probably watched it about
00:38:20 I've nearly worn out the disc.
00:38:22 Well...
00:38:23 Play it again, Sam.
00:38:27 OK, I will.
00:38:29 Could you make it out to my wife?
00:38:33 That was a misquote from Casablanca.
00:38:36 - Yes, I can.
00:38:39 - "It's my second favourite organ. "
00:38:42 I knew it was a misquote, by the way.
00:38:44 - Yeah. Sure. Of course you did.
00:38:47 Well, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Whatever. "
00:38:50 I can't believe you've got us making
00:38:53 This is unbelievable, even by your standards.
00:38:56 What are you going to tell Baggy?
00:38:58 You can't tell him, Lila. You know what he's like.
00:39:02 He's a stammering wreck at the best of times.
00:39:04 You're out of your mind, Fiveways.
00:39:06 And you call yourself a film buff?
00:39:11 I'm sorry. Mission To Moscow was
00:39:15 Miss Fiveways, the queue.
00:39:17 Sorry. Duty calls.
00:39:20 You want me to sign this?
00:39:21 I want you to read it. I wrote it for you.
00:39:26 Well, I'm on sabbatical.
00:39:29 No porn films till next year. Publisher's orders.
00:39:31 Don't think of it as a porn film.
00:39:33 Think of it as a film
00:39:37 - Please, just read it, yeah?
00:39:41 Cheers.
00:39:44 Hello. I came here from Düsseldorf to see you.
00:39:48 Please write as follows.
00:39:53 You have the greatest balls in Germany. "
00:39:56 OK.
00:39:57 Yes, I know. OK, I'm an idiot,
00:40:01 Just give them their money back. Forget the
00:40:06 - Right?
00:40:09 You don't have the money, do you?
00:40:11 The suit, the watch, the mobile.
00:40:13 The blow-up doll I thought was an actress.
00:40:15 - You're not taking this seriously.
00:40:18 - That's for lying to us.
00:40:21 - For letting down your best friend.
00:40:24 - One more.
00:40:26 - You're enjoying it, you pervert!
00:40:28 - Dirty...
00:40:30 - Hi, Baggy. We were just chatting.
00:40:34 Yeah, I spoke to Candy. I gave her the script.
00:40:36 You? Really?
00:40:38 She's reading it. She's going to call us.
00:40:45 That's it. She's not going to call.
00:40:47 She hates the script. We might as well give up.
00:40:49 Well, on the plus side,
00:40:52 That's brilliant, Liles.
00:40:55 A massive party? A bring-and-buy sale?
00:41:08 Hello. Hi.
00:41:12 Yeah. They're, they're called...
00:41:15 - Big Bang Pictures.
00:41:19 A high-end, professional production outfit.
00:41:22 Yeah, that sounds, that sounds reasonable.
00:41:24 OK.
00:41:26 Bye. Bye-bye.
00:41:28 What happened?
00:41:29 A busy day as a top director is what happened.
00:41:31 - What did she say?
00:41:33 She likes it. She'll meet us tomorrow.
00:41:39 Take the library books back before nine
00:41:41 Don't forget Joe's trousers.
00:41:43 Jeepers Creepers! It's 7:34.
00:41:47 Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
00:41:50 - Come on, love.
00:41:56 Have a great day.
00:42:06 Morning, Liles.
00:42:09 Yes. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
00:42:12 Morning, Bagster. You all right?
00:42:14 All set for the big day?
00:42:16 Cristi.
00:42:17 - Looking good.
00:42:19 Liles, focus. Location.
00:42:21 Just try and keep an open mind.
00:42:26 Hello, Joe.
00:42:28 - It's here, innit?
00:42:30 No. No way. I'm not...
00:42:32 No sets to build, no location fees.
00:42:36 They'll have no idea.
00:42:40 I'm going to kill you.
00:43:12 Joe, I need to talk to you. In private.
00:43:14 - Can we go upstairs, please?
00:43:16 This could be the moment
00:43:24 I didn't sleep last night.
00:43:28 Fasten your seat belts, Bagster.
00:43:32 The Fiveways has landed.
00:43:35 Oh, my God.
00:43:40 # Yes
00:43:43 # Yeah
00:44:09 - Hi.
00:44:11 Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you.
00:44:13 Welcome.
00:44:16 - Should we go in?
00:44:18 Thank you.
00:44:22 Morning, Mr Rogers. Lovely day for it.
00:44:32 So...
00:44:33 this is Sound Stage 1.
00:44:35 It's compact, but it's efficient.
00:44:38 Make-up's on the mezzanine level.
00:44:41 - And these are two of our talented cast.
00:44:43 - And catering's towards the rear.
00:44:46 - Let me show you to the beverage counter.
00:44:50 No, I'm not. This whole thing's not going to work.
00:44:53 The character motivation is not fully developed.
00:44:55 The second act through-line is weak.
00:44:59 - Just calm down.
00:45:02 - Come on.
00:45:04 May I introduce you to three of the hottest
00:45:08 This is Gabi, our sound recordist.
00:45:13 This is Cristi, cinematographer.
00:45:17 And this is Vlad, our lighting technician.
00:45:21 - Sorry.
00:45:24 Baggy?
00:45:25 He must be fine-tuning the script.
00:45:31 Come on, Baggy, just relax.
00:45:33 Sex is the most natural thing in the world.
00:45:36 I'm trying, Lila. I just can't.
00:45:37 - It's not hard, Baggy.
00:45:41 Baggy, it isn't hard and I know you can do it.
00:45:43 I just feel so inadequate.
00:45:46 - It's not hard.
00:45:48 Back in a sec.
00:45:50 - Baggy, come on.
00:45:52 You just need to take yourself in hand.
00:45:58 ...say this is the way in...
00:46:04 Baggs, you have got to snap out of it.
00:46:08 How long have we wanted this?
00:46:11 who'll think we're the biggest bunch
00:46:14 She's going to walk any second
00:46:17 - Is there anything wrong?
00:46:19 Hello. No. Just having a...
00:46:22 - It's a budget meeting.
00:46:26 I can see you've put a lot
00:46:30 I mean, it's pretty impressive
00:46:35 working on a shoestring budget
00:46:39 And it can't be easy shooting
00:46:43 But I'm here because
00:46:48 So, I'd like for you all to leave now,
00:46:54 - That's first-night nerves. He'll be fine.
00:46:57 We'll be outside.
00:47:09 I'm sorry. I'm a failure.
00:47:13 It's time you stopped quoting
00:47:16 And start quoting from The Love Storm.
00:47:19 John, this is your big chance.
00:47:21 You don't understand.
00:47:24 You think Fellini never doubted himself?
00:47:29 We were all first-timers once, Baggy,
00:47:33 - Micklewhite.
00:47:35 - Who?
00:47:38 Bottom-of-the-class Alice,
00:47:42 Me.
00:47:45 So where did "Candy Fiveways" come from?
00:47:48 Haven't you ever played the
00:47:52 You take the name of your first pet
00:47:57 Candy was this horrible cat,
00:47:58 but I loved her.
00:48:01 And I grew up on the corner
00:48:05 - "Candy Fiveways. "
00:48:08 There aren't really five ways?
00:48:14 I've got so much to teach you.
00:48:20 # Hello there, everybody
00:48:22 The Love Storm.
00:48:26 - Camera set.
00:48:28 # Action
00:48:30 # Action
00:48:32 # Action
00:48:34 # I want some action in the morning
00:48:37 Even the way she walks is sexy.
00:48:41 # I want some action with you
00:48:42 Hello. Can I help you?
00:48:46 I need someone to please undo these...
00:48:48 Cut!
00:48:51 Can we do that again
00:48:53 Take two.
00:48:56 - OK. Camera set.
00:49:05 What do you think she did to Baggy up there?
00:49:07 By the looks of him,
00:49:11 All five?
00:49:14 "Hello. Can I help you?"
00:49:16 I need someone to please help me.
00:49:20 - But I, but I've never met...
00:49:23 Lila, go and talk to our friend, please?
00:49:29 Sorry, we're just trying to make a film over there.
00:49:32 Would you mind...?
00:49:34 Action.
00:49:40 Hello.
00:49:41 - Can I help you?
00:49:44 But this is the first time
00:49:48 But I need you.
00:49:51 In that case, you'd better come inside.
00:49:58 Cut! Fantastic.
00:50:00 Thank you, sir. How much are these?
00:50:14 # Bow-wow wow-wow
00:50:17 # If you treat me like a dog
00:50:19 # Then I'll just get down on all fours
00:50:25 # I don't need no behavioural psychologist
00:50:33 # If you treat me like a dog
00:50:35 # Then I'll just get down on all fours
00:50:41 # Talking Rin Tin Tin or Lassie with a twist
00:50:53 Apparently, it was some kind of localised
00:50:57 It'll be Mr Harper at No. 12
00:51:00 I know. I know. He's so selfish.
00:51:03 Damn you, Mr Harper!
00:51:07 # Hello, there, everybody
00:51:08 # Action
00:51:10 # Come on, love
00:51:11 # Yeah
00:51:13 # Swing them luggies, all right?
00:51:15 # Action
00:51:16 # Action
00:51:18 # Action
00:51:20 # I want some action in the morning
00:51:24 That's mine!
00:51:26 Miss Fiveways, sorry, can I have a quick word?
00:51:30 All things considered, I think you know
00:51:34 Candy.
00:51:36 I just wanted to...
00:51:38 I just wanted to thank you
00:51:41 - It's my pleasure.
00:51:44 Was it?
00:51:46 Because...
00:51:48 you know, we all need
00:51:58 Thank God!
00:52:00 You don't know how long
00:52:04 Really?
00:52:06 I really want you.
00:52:11 This is...
00:52:13 That is amazing!
00:52:15 Go on, go on, teach me.
00:52:16 Yeah, show me the fifth way.
00:52:26 OK.
00:52:30 So, Baggy, what am I supposed
00:52:33 When you come in, you should be like,
00:52:36 But don't say it.
00:52:40 Joe?
00:52:44 What are you doing?
00:52:45 - Candy. I'm waiting for Candy.
00:52:50 She's going to show me the fifth way.
00:52:52 - Really?
00:52:53 She said I needed to be fully lubed up.
00:52:56 I couldn't find any baby oil,
00:53:00 and she said that's even better, so...
00:53:02 - Wow! You're a natural.
00:53:05 It's actually going to happen, Liles.
00:53:09 Jessica Rabbit.
00:53:10 Jessica Rabbit went home 20 minutes ago.
00:53:15 Pardon?
00:53:16 Yeah. I think she's messing with you.
00:53:19 No. No. Cos...
00:53:22 She meant it. I could tell. She was really...
00:53:24 I don't know, she was sexy.
00:53:26 She meant it.
00:53:27 Well,
00:53:29 seeing as we're alone
00:53:34 it seems a shame to let you go to waste.
00:53:38 I want you.
00:53:40 God, Joe, I want you.
00:53:43 Really?
00:53:46 No. Just messing with you.
00:54:00 No, I've mentioned hoover bags,
00:54:04 Yes. We need some more cleaning
00:54:08 I'm sure we had a full tub of this yesterday.
00:54:10 Dad!
00:54:12 It's...
00:54:13 It's 7:34. Shouldn't you be slipping into gear?
00:54:16 "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. "
00:54:19 Someone wants us out of the way
00:54:24 Yes. Your mother and I are very
00:54:28 You want to see it?
00:54:30 Well, of course we want to see it.
00:54:35 We can't wait to see what you've come up with
00:54:39 Shooting it today.
00:54:44 OK, guys, this is going to be the
00:54:48 Take one.
00:54:55 - Cut.
00:54:58 - Yeah. Hello.
00:55:02 OK, Mum. That's, that's not a problem.
00:55:05 Well, if you don't, I'm going to find you
00:55:13 That sounds great.
00:55:15 - Looking forward to it. Can't wait.
00:55:20 Baby. Sweetness.
00:55:24 - See you soon.
00:55:27 Yeah, I'll see you soon.
00:55:29 Love you.
00:55:32 Yeah, I love you, too. All right.
00:55:34 Bye. Bye.
00:55:40 - Everything all right?
00:55:43 She's a super lady.
00:55:45 - Turn it off.
00:55:48 Again.
00:55:52 Candy, are you happy?
00:55:53 Happy.
00:55:55 Carl, are you ready?
00:55:57 I was born ready.
00:56:04 Wow.
00:56:08 - Scene...
00:56:19 Scene 23. Take one.
00:56:23 And action.
00:56:27 My wife thinks I should ask you to stay.
00:56:30 - Are you going to?
00:56:35 - What do you think?
00:56:38 How good are you with rejection?
00:56:59 Lila, could we have some Wet Wipes
00:57:03 Take two.
00:57:05 Just a couple more minutes.
00:57:07 Maybe.
00:57:10 Take six.
00:57:11 Come on, Carlito. Wake up, little man.
00:57:14 Up. Rise.
00:57:17 Take seven.
00:57:26 Maybe this'll help.
00:57:32 I don't even remember seeing that
00:57:35 Joe, that's not one of our props.
00:57:37 She just got that out of the drawer.
00:57:39 What?
00:57:40 Well, why would there be a vibrator
00:57:43 God, no! No, no, no, no!
00:57:45 Cut! Cut! Cut!
00:57:47 That is disgusting!
00:57:53 Hey, morning, Joe!
00:57:58 # I know a girl who's tough but sweet
00:58:02 # She's so fine, she can't be beat
00:58:07 # Got everything that I desire
00:58:12 # Sets the summer sun on fire
00:58:16 # I want Candy
00:58:21 # I want Candy
00:58:35 It's delicious.
00:58:37 # Oughta see her with her hair hung down
00:58:41 # Ain't no finer girl in town
00:58:46 # Candy's just what the doctor ordered
00:58:50 # She's so sweet, she makes my mouth water
00:58:55 # I want Candy
00:58:59 # I want...
00:59:02 - Are you sure it's all right?
00:59:07 I think somebody up there is ordering us
00:59:11 Stephen. You're a bad boy.
00:59:16 104. Take three.
00:59:22 And action.
00:59:25 - Do you love him?
00:59:28 You feel his breath on your neck,
00:59:31 and your skin reaches for his touch.
00:59:36 He brushes your arm
00:59:39 and his fingerprint tingles for a minute.
00:59:43 You can't close your eyes without seeing him.
00:59:48 But you wouldn't change a thing,
00:59:51 because everything's brighter
01:00:07 Shit. Everybody, back door!
01:00:11 I didn't agree to that.
01:00:13 Don't cut. And, Candy, pick up that line from...
01:00:16 No! No! My parents are here.
01:00:19 - Now!
01:00:30 While we've got the house to ourselves, why
01:00:35 You do need some help
01:00:46 Here, hold this.
01:00:48 It tickles.
01:00:51 Afternoon, Mr Rogers. Nice day for it.
01:00:56 ...everything's brighter than it was a week ago.
01:01:01 - We've got it. Cut.
01:01:04 We're going!
01:01:18 - Get out! Get out!
01:01:36 - You're coming with me, Mrs Clarke.
01:01:43 We need a little music.
01:01:46 There.
01:01:51 I think if I just undo this little thing here,
01:01:55 and take this down here.
01:02:03 Hello, Joe. Why have your parents...?
01:02:18 Stephen.
01:02:23 Your whole family want to be in the porn star.
01:02:26 Doctor...
01:02:29 - Doctor!
01:02:33 - I'm going to lick you like a stamp.
01:02:37 - Give me your shirt.
01:02:41 Trousers, too. Trousers!
01:02:43 We need to make a rope.
01:02:47 Now, how about if I...
01:02:53 Come on, help me.
01:02:55 - No.
01:02:57 Who's your driving instructor?
01:03:01 - Who's your driving instructor?
01:03:05 You, Daddy! You!
01:03:19 Your mum is a dirty vixen!
01:03:34 It's no good. I can't wait any longer. I'm bursting.
01:03:38 Hold it in. Do the breathing.
01:03:43 No, is no good. Is coming.
01:03:44 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
01:04:14 Thank God.
01:04:20 Whoops.
01:04:24 Mum. We didn't hear you come home.
01:04:31 This is Vlad.
01:04:32 Plumber.
01:04:33 Just popped in to fix the toilet.
01:04:38 I didn't know it was broken.
01:04:40 It's not any more. He's a very good plumber.
01:04:45 - Do you want me to show you out?
01:04:47 - OK, it's just this way.
01:04:53 Dad, Vlad. Vlad, Dad.
01:04:58 Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Storm.
01:05:00 The Love Storm!
01:05:02 Joe, wrong one.
01:05:04 No, it's not that. That is...
01:05:06 That's the second-best film ever made.
01:05:07 That's two minutes of teacher-pleasing magic.
01:05:10 But this, this is, without doubt,
01:05:16 and downright-horny little adult film
01:05:19 That's saying something,
01:05:23 So, here's to you guys,
01:05:28 - Thanks, everybody.
01:05:31 The Love Storm.
01:05:33 - Candy, I want to tell you that I...
01:05:44 Greetings, fellow pornographers.
01:05:48 - What the hell are you doing here?
01:05:52 Honestly, woman,
01:05:55 I don't know what's going on here, but...
01:05:57 - What is going on here?
01:06:00 What? A new admirer, is it?
01:06:03 Can't I have a drink with my leading lady?
01:06:05 Wishful thinking, but my agent already told you.
01:06:08 - I don't work for low-rent pimps like you.
01:06:13 Joe, what a pickle we've caused
01:06:17 - Joe, what?
01:06:24 I trusted you.
01:06:29 Time of the month, is it?
01:06:32 Lads? Yes? No?
01:06:35 Suit yourselves.
01:06:37 Now...
01:06:40 - Where's my film?
01:06:44 - This is our film. This is Baggy's film.
01:06:48 There you go. Take it.
01:06:50 Baggy, what?
01:06:52 It's over, Joe. Forget it. This is all bullshit.
01:06:54 - Good luck with the screening.
01:06:57 Trouble in paradise?
01:06:59 You know what, Joe?
01:07:02 You remind me of me when I was your age.
01:07:04 Except I didn't make so many cock-ups
01:07:08 And I wasn't such a twat.
01:07:15 Is yours on soon?
01:07:17 - Where's Baggy?
01:07:20 Yeah, big up Diego Meriachi.
01:07:23 There he is. Respect is due, brother.
01:07:26 OK, next up,
01:07:30 John Bagley and Joe Clarke.
01:07:32 This one has been shrouded in mystery,
01:07:34 so I guess we're looking at
01:07:38 What do you say we kick back and enjoy
01:07:48 - Baggy!
01:07:50 No, I know. It's been tough.
01:07:54 I switched the films.
01:07:58 - What?
01:08:16 That looks like our house.
01:08:19 It is our house!
01:08:24 Hello. Can I help you?
01:08:27 I need someone to please undo these.
01:08:30 The sound isn't very good,
01:08:37 I think you're going to be impressed,
01:08:40 It's different from our usual product.
01:08:42 It's got heart. It's got soul.
01:08:45 It's got a pile of hard-earned cash resting on it,
01:09:17 You're a dead man.
01:09:21 Maybe this'll help.
01:09:26 Bend over.
01:09:45 - Oi! Where's my porno?
01:09:53 No way!
01:09:55 - Holy shit!
01:09:57 - Not bad.
01:10:18 What was she doing with that pear?
01:10:29 - Joe, Joe, congratulations. What a premiere!
01:10:33 - Joe, what...
01:10:36 Mr Dulberg, I think we need to talk.
01:10:38 Excuse me. I'd like a word with Joe's...
01:10:40 - Teacher.
01:10:41 - I'm Joe's teacher.
01:10:43 - This is Joe's dad.
01:10:45 - Mr Clarke?
01:10:47 Who is this man?
01:10:48 Listen, I am telling you, I am Joe's father.
01:10:51 I did come here
01:10:54 but, seeing as you produced a work
01:10:58 and I'll probably have to stand in line
01:11:03 But Mr Dulberg came to my house.
01:11:05 Rewind. I've never been to your house in my life.
01:11:09 Right.
01:11:10 - How dare you use our house...
01:11:13 ...your mother's in a state.
01:11:15 - She's talking about Florida.
01:11:19 You, the pair of you,
01:11:23 You can forget about coming back to class.
01:11:25 That was totally uncool, guys.
01:11:33 It's good. It's really very good.
01:11:36 And you made this yourself?
01:11:39 I think we might be in the running
01:11:42 A Cock? What, for me?
01:11:45 I mean, for us?
01:11:46 And the winners are...
01:11:48 Michael De Vere and Douglas Perry.
01:11:51 You keep this up, Doug,
01:11:59 It's my best work.
01:12:10 - You made a great film.
01:12:12 You humiliated me. I've lost Candy.
01:12:17 Bags, who cares about college?
01:12:21 You don't know how lucky you are.
01:12:22 You were born with talent.
01:12:26 Listen, Baggy, I've been thinking.
01:12:29 We should start a new film.
01:12:31 I'll get the money, from a safe place this time.
01:12:33 - We'll call up Candy and...
01:12:38 Look at me.
01:12:40 We had an excellent adventure,
01:12:41 more than some people have in a whole lifetime,
01:12:45 - I'm not talented. They hated it.
01:12:49 - Leave me alone.
01:12:51 because it was a dirty movie.
01:12:54 You got it right! Bags!
01:13:12 She would not sink with those, huh?
01:13:19 Wow!
01:13:22 - It's The Love Storm!
01:13:24 We'd better tell Joe.
01:13:26 - Go and tell Joe.
01:13:38 We too would like to speak with Joe,
01:13:40 - I'm sorry?
01:13:43 What did you say?
01:13:45 The bad man, OK, he want
01:13:48 Joe's, Joe's Cock.
01:13:49 No. No, no, no. You saying it wrong.
01:13:52 Let me explain it, please.
01:13:54 Your son, Joe,
01:13:56 all his life, he dream of Cock.
01:13:58 He talk about it all of the time.
01:14:00 - "Cock, Cock, Cock. I want Cock. "
01:14:03 But the bad man, he want Joe's Cock.
01:14:07 And he is taking Joe's Cock tonight.
01:14:12 Joe! Come here!
01:14:14 His mother and I, we've always had
01:14:20 - What's going on?
01:14:25 Best film nomination: The Love Storm.
01:14:27 Directed by Doug Perry.
01:14:30 - He's a bastard.
01:14:33 Look, Dad, listen, it's fine. I'll bin it. Don't worry.
01:14:36 No. Hold on, hold on. I mean,
01:14:40 I have to admit that your film did have a certain...
01:14:48 Yeah, it did, didn't it?
01:14:50 Now, you know I'm not a fan
01:14:52 but it seems to me, you have to get up
01:14:56 Here. Take the Mondeo.
01:15:03 Guys, I'm going to need you. OK?
01:15:08 Thank you.
01:15:16 Lila, I really need your help.
01:15:18 Do you know what? Forget that.
01:15:20 - I've told you already. I'm not interested.
01:15:24 And he said he have a special message for
01:15:28 Yeah, yeah. I love his big plans.
01:15:30 Love his big plans.
01:15:32 We can have the Cock. Mr Baggy!
01:15:35 - Baggy!
01:15:51 It's great to see you. All right?
01:16:07 Amazing.
01:16:08 - Hi, Joe.
01:16:11 Where's Baggy? Why isn't he here yet?
01:16:12 - Joe! Joe!
01:16:14 Lila!
01:16:15 He not make it.
01:16:17 I'm sorry, Lila, but we fail.
01:16:20 Baggy, he say, no.
01:16:22 He not want Joe's Cock.
01:16:24 You don't understand, Vlad.
01:16:27 It's my fault, all of this.
01:16:30 I'm going to make it right.
01:16:32 Right now.
01:16:35 Candy! Candy! Candy!
01:16:38 - Hey.
01:16:40 - Leave me alone.
01:16:42 I'm sorry for what happened.
01:16:45 Well, if you're here to pick up an award,
01:16:48 Looks like you got screwed, too.
01:16:49 I don't care about the awards, Candy.
01:16:53 I had to let you know.
01:16:57 I lied to him too. I'm not asking you to forgive me,
01:17:03 Look, I was an idiot for getting involved
01:17:06 You're just kids. We're from different worlds.
01:17:14 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:17:15 welcome to the Fifteenth annual
01:17:19 The ultimate recognition of achievement
01:17:24 So, please take your seats
01:17:27 as we honour
01:17:34 So, saw The Love Storm.
01:17:39 Watched it beginning to end. I'm a little sore.
01:17:42 Yeah, well, it's a porno.
01:17:45 You made a great film.
01:17:48 My customers think it's a masterpiece.
01:17:51 I'm serious. They love it. Can't get enough.
01:17:55 The story, the characters,
01:17:58 and there are some very good dirty bits.
01:18:01 You know what they say,
01:18:17 Presenting our Best Film Award this evening,
01:18:20 please welcome on stage
01:18:23 the delicious Miss Candy Fiveways!
01:18:34 Thank you, everyone,
01:18:37 It's an honour to be here with you tonight.
01:18:39 The nominees for best film are:
01:18:43 We All Know Who You Did Last Summer.
01:18:47 There's Something Up Mary.
01:18:51 Ram Raiders Of The Lost Park.
01:18:55 And...
01:18:56 The Love Storm.
01:18:57 Yes.
01:19:00 Yes!
01:19:01 And the winner is...
01:19:09 - The Love Storm.
01:19:13 Yes!
01:19:33 Produced by Joe Clarke
01:19:52 Congratulations to the real team
01:20:07 Thank you, everyone.
01:20:10 Thank you.
01:20:15 This is a...
01:20:17 This is a fantastic award.
01:20:18 It's a really...
01:20:20 It's a really chunky prize.
01:20:22 But...
01:20:23 It belongs to someone who can't be
01:20:27 But, nevertheless,
01:20:30 undeniable proof
01:20:33 And that's a guy...
01:20:38 And that's a guy called John Bagley.
01:20:43 Please, you're embarrassing me.
01:20:45 Sorry I couldn't be here in person
01:20:49 Making this film has been
01:20:53 I've learnt so much.
01:20:55 One horrific thing,
01:20:58 Thank goodness for Wet Wipes.
01:21:01 I'd like to thank the cast and crew
01:21:06 for making me do shit I don't want to do.
01:21:09 God bless erotica!
01:22:11 # The first time I saw her
01:22:14 # I wanted more than just to hold her
01:22:17 # I wanted to bend her and fold her
01:22:19 # So I leant over and I told her
01:22:22 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:25 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:28 # So many messages to send
01:22:31 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:34 # We wanna be, lapsed Catholic
01:22:36 # Got the contraception,
01:22:39 # We've tried it a variety of ways
01:22:42 # I've not slept in about four days
01:22:45 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:48 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:51 # Phone's ringing all weekend
01:22:54 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:22:57 # So many messages to send
01:23:00 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:23:03 # Phone's ringing all weekend
01:23:06 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:23:13 # So, we went to the cinema
01:23:17 # We came home from the cinema
01:23:20 # We went through the front door
01:23:22 # Up the stairs
01:23:24 # Through the bedroom door
01:23:26 # Onto the bedroom floor
01:23:29 # I've seen her naked twice
01:23:31 # I've seen her naked
01:23:34 # Twice!
01:23:38 # A brand-new girlfriend
01:23:43 # Phone's ringing all weekend
01:23:46 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:23:49 # So many messages to send
01:23:52 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:23:55 # Phone's ringing all weekend
01:23:57 # Think I'm going round the bend
01:24:05 Go, guitar, go!
01:24:10 # A brand-new girlfriend
01:24:12 Come on, now!
01:24:14 # G-G-G-G-G-G-Girlfriend
01:24:17 # Got myself a brand-new girlfriend
01:24:20 # And I think that I love her