In the Loop

en
00:00:33 Good morning,
00:00:36 Malcolm, monitoring... All the usual.
00:00:38 How did your team do at the weekend?
00:00:40 - All right, yeah, we won.
00:00:43 Sam, morning. How are you?
00:00:46 Well, pop-pickers,
00:00:51 Wonky Ron
00:00:53 On the Eddie Mair
00:00:56 Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster,
00:00:59 the Minister
00:01:02 You've been in the job for 18 months.
00:01:04 Do you think you're making headway?
00:01:06 Yes, I do.
00:01:08 You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.
00:01:11 Mark.
00:01:13 You're co-ordinating
00:01:16 Co-ordinate it better, please.
00:01:18 Is that the minister?
00:01:20 OK.
00:01:22 Have we heard anything from Malcolm
00:01:26 No, not yet.
00:01:28 - Perhaps he didn't hear it.
00:01:31 He might be dead!
00:01:33 He might have finally had that
00:01:36 It's been in the fucking post.
00:01:38 Preventable sickness in many of the
00:01:43 And of course,
00:01:45 Ah, diarrhoea. This is the Minister
00:01:49 He should be talking about
00:01:51 not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.
00:01:53 So if we can tackle the easy things
00:01:57 Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.
00:01:59 What is this, the shitting forecast?
00:02:01 ...hopefully that will strike
00:02:03 ...in the war against
00:02:06 MAIR.. You mentioned the word "war".
00:02:08 Against preventable diseases.
00:02:10 All the evidence now points to...
00:02:12 ...a US military intervention
00:02:15 Is that your view?
00:02:18 Well, personally,
00:02:21 Sam. Sam!
00:02:23 - Unforeseeable?
00:02:25 No, you do not think that!
00:02:28 Sam, I'm going to have to go...
00:02:30 ...to International Development
00:02:34 He did not say "unforeseeable".
00:02:36 You may have heard him say that,
00:02:39 And that is a fact.
00:02:40 Now, he's gonna want you to row back...
00:02:42 ...on that "unforeseeable" thing
00:02:45 On Question Time, you know the funny
00:02:49 Yes.
00:02:51 I think we should prep that now.
00:02:53 Cos I'd like to shine on
00:02:55 I'm a funny guy, with a light touch.
00:02:58 There's this guy, he's a property
00:03:01 It might be something like that.
00:03:04 ...on a desert island with someone,
00:03:07 Well... I can't say my wife
00:03:10 I can't say my girlfriend, because
00:03:13 - And don't say Mandela. That's...
00:03:17 Or Keira Knightley.
00:03:19 That's a good idea.
00:03:21 Pervert. Sex. Minister.
00:03:24 I don't think so.
00:03:25 Did you take
00:03:28 - No.
00:03:30 No, I didn't take
00:03:32 - It's gonna go really stale...
00:03:34 - It's not fine.
00:03:37 I don't want to go out
00:03:39 Well, there we go.
00:03:41 But I don't think
00:03:44 Have you got everything
00:03:46 Oh, yes, all in here.
00:03:49 ...and an apple for Simon Foster.
00:03:51 Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?
00:03:53 Don't call him that. I'm rebranding him.
00:03:55 He was absolutely crap
00:03:58 He sounded like a chicken
00:04:00 You give me a week,
00:04:02 ...like a chicken
00:04:04 Good luck at the Foreign Office.
00:04:07 - See you later.
00:04:09 I'll give you a call later.
00:04:12 - Be careful. Cars.
00:04:14 Helpful...
00:04:18 OK, OK, go ahead
00:04:20 Listen, assume I tell your wife...
00:04:22 ...about you and Angela Heaney
00:04:25 what would be best,
00:04:27 I could write it on a cake!
00:04:30 "Your hack husband
00:04:33 ...and congratulations on the new baby. "
00:04:35 Yeah,
00:04:38 OK, fuckity bye.
00:04:40 Did you put away the lasagne?
00:04:42 Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.
00:04:44 It's got Clingfilm on it and everything.
00:04:47 Why did you put Clingfilm on it?
00:04:49 Because that keeps it fresh.
00:04:52 No, I don't want to hold.
00:04:54 It might dry out.
00:04:55 That's an amateur mistake.
00:04:56 I'm not holding any longer. What's
00:05:00 It's not carcinogenic.
00:05:01 What, Simon Foster?
00:05:03 Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer.
00:05:05 Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that.
00:05:07 - Aluminium foil...
00:05:09 ...gives you AIDS, or, you know,
00:05:12 - It's not a thing.
00:05:15 God, who's that?
00:05:17 Get me fucking Brian!
00:05:19 If you don't get me fucking Brian,
00:05:22 I'm gonna lock you in
00:05:24 ...and pump it full of sewage
00:05:27 - Paris Hilton.
00:05:30 - Lily Allen.
00:05:33 - Yeah?
00:05:35 - Thank you.
00:05:38 - Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
00:05:41 - When's he due?
00:05:44 And don't say you weren't prepared,
00:05:47 Give us a minute,
00:05:49 In the words
00:05:53 unforeseeable, that's what you are.
00:05:56 Who's that geezer?
00:05:59 Oh, I know who he is.
00:06:01 You're Dan, right?
00:06:04 - Daniel? The new adviser?
00:06:06 Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing.
00:06:08 You guys are often called "Dan"
00:06:11 I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy.
00:06:13 Director of Communications
00:06:16 Is this a normal morning?
00:06:18 The minister was rubbish
00:06:20 - He was rubbish?
00:06:22 Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for...
00:06:26 Why didn't you say? He asked you.
00:06:29 If he'd asked you to fucking black up,
00:06:33 ...or to shit yourself,
00:06:35 Blacked up, yes.
00:06:38 Very good.
00:06:39 War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?
00:06:42 That is not our line.
00:06:45 We've got Karen Clark
00:06:48 We've got enough
00:06:51 ...to stage a fucking coup d'état.
00:06:52 - Minister.
00:06:55 - I'm busy. Fuck off.
00:06:57 Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it.
00:07:00 Welcome to the madhouse.
00:07:03 Don't apologise for me.
00:07:06 Did I not just tell you to fuck off
00:07:09 It's true, I am, yes, still here.
00:07:11 Hi, foetus boy,
00:07:12 lesson one, I tell you to fuck off,
00:07:15 Eff off?
00:07:17 You'll go far.
00:07:19 - Now, fuck off.
00:07:21 Judy and I were thinking that I could
00:07:26 You're not on Question Time.
00:07:29 - We've been prepping Question Time.
00:07:33 Why the fuck would I tell you about it?
00:07:36 It's a scheduled media appearance by
00:07:40 ...so it falls well within my purview.
00:07:42 - Within your purview?
00:07:44 Where do you think you are, some
00:07:47 This is a government department,
00:07:51 - Malcolm...
00:07:54 ...on your purview and ram it up
00:07:58 Your swearing does not impress me.
00:08:00 My husband works for Tower Hamlets
00:08:03 those kids make you sound like...
00:08:05 She's married? Poor bastard.
00:08:07 Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock
00:08:12 are you saying I'm now no longer
00:08:16 Correct. Not until we can trust you
00:08:19 I was going to keep to the line.
00:08:21 I don't think war is unforeseeable...
00:08:24 - What is it, then?
00:08:27 No! Not foreseeable.
00:08:30 Do you want to fucking declare war?
00:08:32 I'm a Cabinet minister.
00:08:35 ...every media appearance I ever had.
00:08:38 Write this down. It's neither
00:08:41 Right, so not inevitable, but not...
00:08:44 You'd better walk on this fucking line.
00:08:46 ...evitable.
00:08:47 You, hey, put the snifter out there
00:08:51 ...with another surprise question about
00:08:55 I can't do that, can I? That's political.
00:08:57 Does that not fit within your purview,
00:09:00 Why don't you just scuttle off back
00:09:03 ...and play around with your tea and your
00:09:06 Let them eat cock! Hey, you!
00:09:12 No, no, you needn't worry about
00:09:15 they're just happy to be there.
00:09:17 Yes, well, they always look surprised
00:09:20 Shall I just give Toby a call
00:09:23 Yes, good idea.
00:09:26 Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires.
00:09:28 Yes, well stop him playing football.
00:09:31 Hello.
00:09:33 So, how's it going? Found the bogs?
00:09:35 It's a bit... manic.
00:09:37 Never like this at Agriculture. People
00:09:41 Sorry, Michael, do you mind
00:09:44 Just a little bit... grating. Bloody music.
00:09:48 Listen,
00:09:51 Yeah. I think we can get Simon Foster
00:09:56 Karen Clark?
00:09:57 Was she the woman who went round
00:10:01 No, Toby. Karen Clark,
00:10:04 Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.
00:10:07 - Michael wants to say something.
00:10:10 Meat?
00:10:12 His man is only going to be meat in
00:10:16 The Americans don't feel like
00:10:19 ...unless there's 30 people on each side,
00:10:22 so he's basically like bulk in the room.
00:10:24 He's not exactly going to be relevant,
00:10:27 I won't tell him that, to be honest.
00:10:29 - OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you.
00:10:32 Affirmative on that one.
00:10:34 All right, darling, take care, bye.
00:10:36 Can I turn it back up now?
00:10:39 You're on sexual health, aren't you?
00:10:42 Right, Toby, quick tour.
00:10:44 - I should probably just go and...
00:10:47 Just leave it to Mike,
00:10:49 - Don't you, Mike?
00:10:52 Exactly. He's an idiot.
00:10:54 Listen, I understand your hostility
00:10:58 Sorry, that's the end of the tour,
00:11:00 There is really a lot of very important
00:11:05 but I have to...
00:11:11 - Toby, hi.
00:11:13 I'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm.
00:11:16 - He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?
00:11:19 Listen,
00:11:21 I was just um...
00:11:23 - Don't sit on Anna's desk.
00:11:25 I have managed to get you into the big
00:11:31 The Karen Clark meeting?
00:11:33 How did you do that?
00:11:35 I did it through sheer bloody hard work.
00:11:38 - Judy?
00:11:40 Tobes here has got me into the big
00:11:44 Oh!
00:11:46 The big "meat".
00:11:48 Impressive, eh?
00:11:51 Two "E"s.
00:11:53 Oh, right.
00:11:54 Just one thing.
00:11:56 Talkingwise, you might find once
00:12:00 - Can we just wait for Judy?
00:12:03 Simon.
00:12:05 Michael, hi.
00:12:06 Hello. Welcome.
00:12:08 - Michael?
00:12:10 I'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe
00:12:14 An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave
00:12:17 And, politely, we request the presence...
00:12:19 ...of both carbonated
00:12:22 Right.
00:12:24 - Is that all?
00:12:26 Not at all. Wow, who was that?
00:12:30 He's probably running
00:12:33 They're all kids in Washington.
00:12:36 It's like Bugsy Malone,
00:12:43 Thank you all for coming today...
00:12:45 ...to the Interim Anglo-American
00:12:47 I'd particularly like to welcome...
00:12:49 What's your view like?
00:12:51 - Well, it's pretty basic.
00:12:54 I don't want a consensus
00:12:57 ...that military action is necessarily
00:13:02 This paper which was authored
00:13:07 Liza, I hope you don't mind
00:13:10 It's not strictly my paper.
00:13:12 In the sense that you were the one
00:13:16 Miss Weld is very, very modest,
00:13:19 And she's highlighted several reasons...
00:13:22 ...why we cannot envision a theatre
00:13:27 Should I say something? She invited
00:13:30 If you don't say something
00:13:33 then you might as well
00:13:35 I really think
00:13:37 - No, I should say something.
00:13:40 Don't pull my hand down.
00:13:42 The committee feels
00:13:45 Ah, which committee?
00:13:47 It was discussed
00:13:49 - If I mentioned one committee...
00:13:52 ...then it was a slip of the tongue.
00:13:54 What, because you've accidentally
00:13:57 a war committee?
00:13:59 If I may intercept. I understand
00:14:03 Liza, do you know if Linton
00:14:06 - No. I have no idea.
00:14:08 I think it's worth noting
00:14:12 such as our colleague here,
00:14:15 have made it very clear that they feel
00:14:20 Isn't that right, Simon?
00:14:24 Er... well, yes.
00:14:26 That's... That's what I said.
00:14:28 And I stick to what I said.
00:14:33 That doesn't mean that what I said
00:14:39 Um... it's not immutable...
00:14:41 ...or mutable.
00:14:43 It's... It's... It's...
00:14:45 It's a developing...
00:14:47 I think there are
00:14:50 ...that we could come onto now, and then
00:14:54 Judy, can you just pass that on?
00:14:57 Yes, that's all fine, thank you.
00:15:02 Right, come here. We need to talk.
00:15:07 In what way was I being a tit?
00:15:09 Why am I even over here?
00:15:11 You were just meat in the room, Simon.
00:15:13 - Yeah...
00:15:15 Yeah.
00:15:17 For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken
00:15:21 ...and be room meat.
00:15:23 Yes, but... but a prime cut,
00:15:25 you know, not offal.
00:15:26 Oh, great. I'm not liver.
00:15:28 What was I, tit meat?
00:15:30 Well, no, I just...
00:15:32 Come on. Let's get back.
00:15:36 - Hey, Liza.
00:15:38 I just want to say congratulations.
00:15:41 You must be psyched
00:15:44 Yeah, well, that was,
00:15:47 You couldn't write a paper...
00:15:49 ...that clashes more violently with
00:15:52 It seems like you almost were trying.
00:15:54 - I wasn't trying! Believe me.
00:15:57 You've given birth to a demon
00:16:00 You probably identify
00:16:03 See, you're an only child, aren't you?
00:16:05 I don't understand how my parents'
00:16:07 ...limited reproductive ability
00:16:10 I'm the sperm that made it, so...
00:16:12 - Liza.
00:16:15 - OK, retreat. See you later.
00:16:18 Have fun with your career kryptonite.
00:16:21 What's going on down there?
00:16:24 My teeth are killing me.
00:16:26 I think that one
00:16:29 It was a chip on the veneer.
00:16:31 - Don't look at my teeth for a long time.
00:16:35 - It just surprised me.
00:16:37 Toby.
00:16:38 Toby! Hi.
00:16:40 - Hi.
00:16:42 - Yeah.
00:16:45 Liza Weld. She did the
00:16:49 - I had a little thing for her at the time.
00:16:52 Don't think she remembered me,
00:16:54 That is one
00:16:58 Linton has set up
00:17:01 I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic,
00:17:04 - He is dangerous.
00:17:06 The voices in his head
00:17:10 I really, really hope there isn't a war,
00:17:13 It's bad enough having to cope
00:17:16 - Minister?
00:17:19 This is your chance to nail the line.
00:17:22 No, I'll freestyle it.
00:17:24 So is war unforeseeable, Minister?
00:17:26 Look, all sorts of things,
00:17:31 ...are also unforeseeable.
00:17:33 For the plane in the fog,
00:17:39 but then it is suddenly
00:17:43 Is this your opinion or is this
00:17:47 The mountain in the metaphor is...
00:17:48 ...a completely hypothetical mountain
00:17:52 So, who is the plane,
00:17:54 - Is the government lost in the fog?
00:17:57 ...that to walk the road of peace...
00:17:59 ...sometimes we need to be ready
00:18:05 Thank you so much.
00:18:07 Thank you. That's it,
00:18:10 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
00:18:14 Simon, I did try to warn you.
00:18:16 Yes, you tried to warn me, but
00:18:19 I can't tackle you to the ground.
00:18:21 That's like shouting "Train!"
00:18:25 You should go "Train!
00:18:27 Bollocks!
00:18:29 - Fuck, it's Malcolm.
00:18:32 How does he do that?
00:18:34 Simon, I don't like finding out about
00:18:38 ...via the news, unless they've just died.
00:18:41 Be here, now.
00:18:42 The British Government
00:18:44 ...to climb the mountain of conflict.
00:18:46 It's unclear if his view
00:18:48 Maybe we should get it out there.
00:18:50 Float the idea that the war
00:18:53 You can't say it's a resigning issue,
00:18:57 You're having a really great first day,
00:19:00 You are supposed to be
00:19:03 You are supposed to be Officer Class!
00:19:06 Don't do this,
00:19:09 We can do without
00:19:11 You know I'm against
00:19:13 You're against talking up the war?
00:19:15 Is that why you said
00:19:17 Do you know what you sounded like?
00:19:19 A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.
00:19:21 I'm just saying I might be forced
00:19:27 A stand?
00:19:31 Right, The White Stripes, outside.
00:19:34 Uh-uh.
00:19:37 There's only two people
00:19:45 I um...
00:19:49 I admire you.
00:19:52 I really do, I admire you.
00:19:54 Making a stand.
00:19:56 So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you...
00:20:01 - To where?
00:20:03 See, the PM, he wants you...
00:20:06 ...to go on a fact-finder, you know.
00:20:08 Problems we might have to face if it
00:20:12 Oh, right.
00:20:14 But, you know, that's you,
00:20:17 You're on the verge of your stand, so...
00:20:20 Well, Malcolm, come on,
00:20:22 I don't know what words I used
00:20:25 Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the
00:20:28 I'm on the verge.
00:20:32 Christ on a bendy-bus.
00:20:35 No, I'm standing my ground,
00:20:38 Right, OK,
00:20:40 ...talk to Karen Clark
00:20:43 - Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.
00:20:46 He's pushing the war
00:20:48 I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand
00:20:52 That's a true story.
00:20:53 Wow, I won't talk to him.
00:20:56 Talk to as few people as possible,
00:21:00 OK, Liza, the priorities are shower,
00:21:04 ...and get me to a dentist,
00:21:08 Shower later.
00:21:10 What has Linton been up to
00:21:12 Have we declared war
00:21:14 Ah, Karen.
00:21:16 - How was London? Good meetings?
00:21:19 You know we had some
00:21:23 Thank you very much, and I will read
00:21:26 Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob.
00:21:28 You won't read the words, Linton.
00:21:31 Is Chad coming? Chad?
00:21:33 No, he's probably doing
00:21:37 hanging around Linton's office,
00:21:41 That's why he's wearing his
00:21:44 - Assistant Secretary of State, hi.
00:21:47 - Chad.
00:21:49 - Can I...?
00:21:53 Hey, listen, the war committee.
00:21:55 What you have to do
00:21:57 ...the ten dullest-named committees
00:22:01 Because Linton is not going to call it
00:22:04 He's gonna hide it
00:22:08 Something so dull
00:22:11 Get me General Miller
00:22:14 My teeth hurt.
00:22:16 My teeth hurt like hell.
00:22:19 I'm sick of hearing about
00:22:23 Hi, yeah.
00:22:26 that was circulated by a staffer here.
00:22:28 It's called...
00:22:29 "Post War Planning. Parameters,
00:22:34 This is the one by...
00:22:38 "PWIP PIP"?
00:22:41 Oh, God, it already has an acronym.
00:22:43 You know another acronym? DOA...
00:22:45 Your career.
00:22:48 My golly, I can't see why anyone would
00:22:54 Glass offices,
00:22:58 I could request the glass be frosted.
00:23:00 Frosting is on cakes, huh?
00:23:02 Now, what else happened in London?
00:23:05 Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
00:23:08 Really, what?
00:23:09 Karen flagged a report
00:23:12 She's obviously trying to use it as some
00:23:17 - PWIP what?
00:23:20 What is it, a report on bird calls?
00:23:23 I can't recall. It's factish.
00:23:26 We have all the facts on this we need.
00:23:30 In the land of truth, my friend...
00:23:34 ...the man with one fact is the king.
00:23:36 You said there was something else,
00:23:39 In the meeting with the Foreign Office,
00:23:41 the committee was accidentally
00:23:45 Which committee?
00:23:46 The... The war committee, sir.
00:23:49 All right,
00:23:52 She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.
00:23:55 Get a hold of those minutes.
00:23:58 - We can do that?
00:24:00 Those minutes are an aide-mémoire
00:24:03 They should not be a reductive record
00:24:08 but they should be more a full record of
00:24:12 I think that's the more accurate version,
00:24:15 - Sir.
00:24:16 I don't like this section, let's cut that.
00:24:19 Aye aye, sir.
00:24:21 Let's reverse this.
00:24:23 That was something Karen said, sir.
00:24:25 Well, it's not right, so let's change it.
00:24:27 - Aye, aye, sir.
00:24:30 Ah, thank you, sir.
00:24:32 Yeah, let's say
00:24:34 So... So the car
00:24:39 It's supposed to be
00:24:41 The Americans are doing that.
00:24:44 What's she so fucking happy about?
00:24:46 She's probably just on a personal call.
00:24:50 Why has she got control of the blinds?
00:24:53 I think it's...
00:24:54 I'm a government minister and
00:24:59 I could order you some blinds. I could
00:25:03 with swags and a pelmet maybe.
00:25:05 Yes, do that.
00:25:08 OK.
00:25:11 Will you come with me?
00:25:20 So, listen... my team for the US,
00:25:25 I'm thinking of taking you
00:25:29 I could work with that, definitely.
00:25:31 Plus, she can be a bit, you know...
00:25:33 "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"
00:25:36 Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,
00:25:38 "Oh, so you're the President and
00:25:42 "My husband works in Tower Hamlets.
00:25:45 "Which is much harder
00:25:47 Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it,
00:25:51 What?
00:25:53 Well, that moves us on
00:25:56 I think I've flagged everything
00:26:00 Everything you're preparedto discuss.
00:26:02 What is that? What are you doing?
00:26:04 I understand you've started a new
00:26:07 What makes you think that?
00:26:09 It was mentioned
00:26:11 Well, you must have misheard me.
00:26:13 No. I misheard the word "committee"?
00:26:15 Maybe it was another word.
00:26:17 Like, say, Khomeini.
00:26:19 - You're sitting on a new Khomeini?
00:26:23 Kansas City. Kitty.
00:26:25 - Itty.
00:26:27 "Itty" is not a word, Bob.
00:26:28 - Commissary.
00:26:31 Why don't you just recap for me,
00:26:33 all the committees
00:26:36 I'm sorry, Karen, but you... you appear
00:26:41 Let me see that. Holy Mother of...
00:26:43 Well, don't try to change the subject.
00:26:46 I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry.
00:26:48 - We haven't finished the meeting.
00:26:52 I don't mean to be rude,
00:26:54 I'm sorry. Excuse me.
00:26:58 Chad, stay here.
00:26:59 Go, Buffy, you belong
00:27:02 - Liza.
00:27:04 Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.
00:27:07 I cannot stand to see
00:27:09 It reminds me of country and western
00:27:14 That stuff is just choking the airwaves.
00:27:17 - Look, sorry, we just need...
00:27:19 - It's really bad. It's really bad.
00:27:23 - Nobody was joking.
00:27:25 How far are you with the committees?
00:27:28 I've got it down to two, actually.
00:27:29 One is the "Aims and
00:27:32 The other is the
00:27:35 It's not the first one,
00:27:37 Does it really sound dull to you?
00:27:41 Right, no... it is a good name.
00:27:44 Well, find out if it really is the...
00:27:47 Find out if it really is that.
00:27:50 Um... OK, well, I might go and do that.
00:27:53 You're not going to shout at me
00:27:56 I'm not a monster, Liza. OK?
00:27:58 Will you stop implying
00:28:04 Bob!
00:28:06 - Oh, hey.
00:28:08 I wanted to tell you
00:28:12 "hunk of the month of the office"
00:28:16 And I just didn't want, you know,
00:28:20 - or anything like that.
00:28:22 And Karen knows about
00:28:27 I have no idea
00:28:29 - No?
00:28:31 Excuse me.
00:28:36 Future Planning Committee,
00:28:45 Wow!
00:28:47 This is fucking cool.
00:28:49 Don't be callow, Toby,
00:28:52 - This way, gentlemen.
00:28:58 That was a little bit fucking cool.
00:29:00 Yep.
00:29:02 - Did you book a car?
00:29:04 Well, Judy will have booked a car.
00:29:07 Judy?
00:29:09 - Hi.
00:29:11 I was wondering
00:29:13 It's Robbie's job to book it
00:29:16 There's obviously...
00:29:20 - "Simon Forester. "
00:29:23 Thank you very much.
00:29:25 "England Government,
00:29:28 My name's Simon Foster,
00:29:34 Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade.
00:29:37 Yeah.
00:29:39 I feel like we should have hookers,
00:29:42 I mean in here... now.
00:29:52 - Do you want girls?
00:29:56 No, sorry.
00:30:01 I hate hookers. Not in
00:30:06 Strange hotel.
00:30:08 It's like a hangar
00:30:13 - That's better, isn't it?
00:30:15 Just bring them here, that's fine.
00:30:20 Tobes, have you got any m...
00:30:24 Well, I haven't been to an ATM,
00:30:27 I mean,
00:30:30 This and this, sorry that's...
00:30:32 It's usually a dollar a bag.
00:30:38 Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,
00:30:40 you can see there through
00:30:42 Technically,
00:30:55 Hi.
00:30:56 Excuse me.
00:30:58 Hello. How are you doing?
00:31:00 Was it something I said?
00:31:02 I haven't felt that in years. Thank you.
00:31:05 You're beautiful.
00:31:06 Oh, thank you.
00:31:09 Yes, I do...
00:31:13 That's why you shouldn't
00:31:15 Come on, don't believe that shit.
00:31:18 I'm just trying to do something different.
00:31:21 It's one of the reasons I like you.
00:31:23 I know your passion
00:31:25 - Lingerie. Bestiality.
00:31:28 I'd forgotten about that.
00:31:30 Are you still allergic to the dog?
00:31:33 Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes
00:31:36 ...and I look like a giant ball sac.
00:31:38 Oh, my God. You know,
00:31:40 they do have modern medication
00:31:43 - Beautiful ball sac, though.
00:31:45 - How's the Pentagon?
00:31:48 They're talking invasion
00:31:50 Is there somewhere
00:31:53 - I don't know.
00:31:55 - I don't live here.
00:31:57 - Go that way.
00:32:00 This is good. Her daughter's not home,
00:32:03 - In here?
00:32:05 Although, I don't know what we'll say
00:32:09 No, I can't think
00:32:12 No, me neither, me neither.
00:32:14 - What?
00:32:15 Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.
00:32:18 - Oh, come on, it's toys.
00:32:21 - So...
00:32:24 Not enough troops.
00:32:26 Total minimum
00:32:28 The Far East, Asia.
00:32:30 - OK. That's how many we have?
00:32:33 And then we have the contingency
00:32:36 OK, I don't... You've lost me.
00:32:38 Hold on a minute...
00:32:40 Oh, fuck this.
00:32:42 What?
00:32:51 # La la la, la la la la, la la la.
00:32:53 Good.
00:32:54 Your military hardware
00:32:57 Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't.
00:32:59 So, you add these together.
00:33:04 So this is the number of combat troops
00:33:08 according to these figures.
00:33:11 12!
00:33:13 Thousand?
00:33:14 No, 12. 12 troops.
00:33:16 Oh, come on, you're shitting me?
00:33:18 I am shitting you.
00:33:22 but that's not enough...
00:33:26 And at the end of a war
00:33:29 or else it looks like you've lost.
00:33:32 Bye, for now.
00:33:34 You know what? I've got some Brits
00:33:37 A guy named Simon Foster.
00:33:38 Who's Simon Foster?
00:33:40 He's this guy that said publicly
00:33:44 And I think he could be very useful
00:33:47 He can internationalise the dissent,
00:33:50 You're going to use him
00:34:07 Tobes... hi.
00:34:09 Hi.
00:34:11 What are we gonna... do tonight?
00:34:15 Gonna do tonight?
00:34:17 Yes, what are we up to, my...
00:34:21 Well... yeah, I mean,
00:34:23 ...we'd probably be just a bit tired,
00:34:26 No, I am tired.
00:34:31 in the political powerhouse of the world
00:34:35 and I thought it might be nice to go out
00:34:39 ...trying to spank one out
00:34:42 because I'm scared if I watch a porno...
00:34:44 ...it'll end up in
00:34:49 What have you got... for us to do?
00:34:51 Right, what have I got?
00:34:55 Well, there's a leaflet through the door...
00:34:57 ...for happy hour at the bar
00:35:01 Also I do have the number of a guy...
00:35:03 I was at uni with
00:35:07 - No.
00:35:12 - Where are you?
00:35:14 I don't see you, be more visible.
00:35:16 I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm
00:35:20 You can stop talking
00:35:22 Of course I can.
00:35:24 Look, I have to leave.
00:35:27 Tell them, come to the war committee.
00:35:29 I'll give them some face time
00:35:32 It'll be coffee and Danish.
00:35:35 Tea and sympathy,
00:35:39 ...great deal that is unknown
00:35:43 such as their mating habits.
00:35:44 You can definitely spot
00:35:48 Hello.
00:35:49 Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?
00:35:52 Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic.
00:35:55 Their courtship is a violent affair.
00:35:57 The male will bite the female
00:36:01 The war committee, that's a big thing,
00:36:04 Yeah, well,
00:36:07 the Challenges For The Cheese
00:36:11 Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.
00:36:14 40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.
00:36:16 Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye.
00:36:21 - Matty, how's CNN?
00:36:23 I can't, mate, no.
00:36:25 Liza Weld has got us onto the Future
00:36:29 The "war committee"
00:36:31 What are you talking about?
00:36:33 The Future Planning Committee
00:36:37 Do you not work for CNN
00:36:46 Come in.
00:36:49 Physically here.
00:36:51 I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking
00:36:54 Have you come to insult me
00:36:57 Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out
00:37:01 No. You're barking up
00:37:04 Little Toby is staying very much
00:37:07 - Simon, I've got us on the...
00:37:09 Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm.
00:37:11 You're supposed to shit yourself
00:37:14 I've got us on Linton's Future Planning
00:37:18 Brilliant. What is that?
00:37:21 It's the war committee.
00:37:23 What? The actual war...
00:37:26 - Who's going to be there?
00:37:29 me and Simon...
00:37:31 Simon and me.
00:37:33 How about the rest of the committee,
00:37:36 Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow?
00:37:39 The real committee,
00:37:41 I'll text you the details,
00:37:44 ...for a drink with
00:37:47 Don't mention this to the press, OK?
00:37:50 If the press get a whiff
00:37:53 ...even a cardboard one,
00:37:55 ...is gonna turn up and try and get on it.
00:37:57 So no matter what gay bar
00:38:02 I was watching that.
00:38:04 Yeah, well,
00:38:06 You might want
00:38:15 - You see this mosh pit?
00:38:17 Well, they're mostly house staffers,
00:38:21 Tonight they rage hard,
00:38:25 ...and argue noise-reduction legislation.
00:38:30 - Is this yours or mine?
00:38:33 So one of these has got to be yours.
00:38:35 Those are like fluids that I've never...
00:38:39 No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a...
00:38:41 - It's very intimate.
00:38:44 Ooo... eugh!
00:38:51 Karen will want you to say
00:38:54 And Linton will want you to talk up the
00:38:58 You say nothing, OK?
00:39:00 You stay detached, otherwise
00:39:04 Right. Can I go to bed now, please?
00:39:06 No, no, no, no.
00:39:08 ...and you are going to rehearse
00:39:12 Am I being tortured?
00:39:15 You look worried.
00:39:17 It's the paper that I wrote for Karen.
00:39:20 It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war.
00:39:24 The pros and cons,
00:39:27 I'm, like, fucking worried because...
00:39:30 ...this is, like, my career on the line.
00:39:34 I thought you were worried,
00:39:37 But you know, don't...
00:39:44 - Thank you.
00:39:46 - Sure.
00:39:49 God damn it!
00:39:53 - Are you OK?
00:39:56 Why is that? Is it a mosque?
00:39:58 It's just, like...
00:40:00 Is it... Is it a bouncy castle?
00:40:10 Can I just say,
00:40:13 stays in Washington, yeah?
00:40:16 Well, I live in Washington, so that
00:40:21 Yeah?
00:40:38 A number for a cab company
00:40:43 Just straight through, straight through.
00:40:47 Well, I don't know.
00:40:53 I don't know,
00:40:56 federal houses.
00:41:04 Marcel's is nice.
00:41:05 I like their wraps.
00:41:07 And you should go to La Taverna,
00:41:11 They do that thing
00:41:13 What's that called? It's a lot of fun.
00:41:15 Yes, it sounds fun.
00:41:21 And, well, there's the Aerospace
00:41:25 Do they set fire to the pictures?
00:41:29 Yeah.
00:41:33 Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting.
00:41:39 - I'm Karen.
00:41:41 Pull an all-nighter?
00:41:45 - Well, I... I was led astray.
00:41:50 I... I just ran into some people
00:41:54 Not Penny Grayling?
00:41:56 No.
00:41:58 Another... gang.
00:42:01 Wow, I didn't realise we had
00:42:04 No, well... "The British are coming! "
00:42:13 So...
00:42:15 Yeah, you know what? I have a lot
00:42:18 So this would probably be
00:42:22 No problem.
00:42:23 Brilliant.
00:42:24 Bye.
00:42:29 I've brought your bag for you.
00:42:32 Cheers, man.
00:42:34 Tobes, I don't want to have to
00:42:37 but I am going to have to read you
00:42:41 Like section one, paragraph one: don't
00:42:46 and then burst in late
00:42:51 "The British are coming. "
00:42:54 All right, I was late for the meeting.
00:42:57 but it's not like I threw up in there,
00:43:00 No, you're right, I'm being unfair.
00:43:02 I should be thanking you
00:43:05 Well done, you're a star.
00:43:09 You're in the right city.
00:43:13 You didn't pull your dick out
00:43:16 ...and shouting, "Willy banjo. "
00:43:18 No, I'm being really unfair.
00:43:21 You'd got so much right
00:43:25 for the beginning of one of the
00:43:30 Thanks, you're a legend.
00:43:39 That was just the beginning, do you
00:43:43 I don't know, we barely said hello.
00:43:45 I've had muggings
00:43:47 All we talked about
00:43:49 What if our meeting has
00:43:53 and then we're still sitting here?
00:43:55 It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it?
00:43:59 What if the meeting hasn't finished?
00:44:01 And she comes back
00:44:03 Maybe I could call Judy? She could...
00:44:05 Please can we try
00:44:09 Fine.
00:44:10 I think we've drawn long enough
00:44:19 Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble
00:44:23 - Really?
00:44:25 - If you study the stonework...
00:44:28 So, you made it in OK, right?
00:44:30 Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.
00:44:33 Sure, sure.
00:44:35 If we just get started, my assistant
00:44:40 Your assistant?
00:44:42 Yeah. So, item.
00:44:45 We need to have a conversation about
00:44:48 the bumps in the road ahead
00:44:51 I'm sorry, I don't...
00:44:55 No offence, son,
00:44:58 ...at school with your head down
00:45:00 Your first point there, the offence?
00:45:04 Your second point, I'm 22, but item,
00:45:08 ...if it will make you feel more
00:45:11 Don't get sarcastic with me, son.
00:45:13 We burned this tight-arsed city
00:45:16 And I'm all for doing it again,
00:45:20 You get sarcastic with me again...
00:45:22 ...and I will stuff so much cotton wool
00:45:25 ...it'll come out your arse
00:45:28 I was led to believe
00:45:32 Yes, Assistant Secretary of State
00:45:35 ...on the work of
00:45:38 I'm away.
00:45:40 And here we are.
00:45:42 ...has also graced us with his presence.
00:45:45 Give him a bottle of milk.
00:45:47 You didn't wake me up.
00:45:49 The thought crossed my mind,
00:45:52 You know, with the jet lag and all.
00:45:54 I don't know, I thought
00:45:57 Well, no. Obviously I didn't know
00:46:00 That's how people walk through
00:46:03 Hey, Liza? I've got another call...
00:46:05 ...for you about the committee
00:46:08 Crudden? What is going on?
00:46:10 I mean, how did CNN
00:46:13 Did Linton post, like,
00:46:17 Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper,
00:46:20 I'm about to run off another ten copies.
00:46:22 - Just stop.
00:46:25 if Harry Potter
00:46:28 You're in hot water,
00:46:31 Do you smell lobster?
00:46:34 Strong... bisque wafting this way.
00:46:37 How far would you go with Linton?
00:46:39 You freaky little stalker.
00:46:41 Downtown?
00:46:45 Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque.
00:46:55 Where's the war committee?
00:46:58 Simon's going. I thought
00:47:01 Where the fuck is it happening?
00:47:03 It's in the State Department
00:47:06 - Malcolm?
00:47:08 Do you like how I'm telling you
00:47:11 Let me tell you what's going on
00:47:14 A certain vinegar-faced,
00:47:17 ...to discover that she's out of
00:47:19 ...job. Fucking hung up, haven't you?
00:47:23 Hey, buddy?
00:47:26 Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.
00:47:31 - There's the grenade.
00:47:34 He's got "Climb the mountain
00:47:38 He's picked up on that?
00:47:41 I'm a bumper sticker.
00:47:43 Shit, there's Karen Clark.
00:47:45 Have a meeting, have a meeting.
00:47:51 What about the dialectic, as it spreads
00:47:54 - Interesting dialectic...
00:47:56 Hi. I'll see you at the committee.
00:47:59 We're just sorting out a bit of prep...
00:48:01 Very good, that's great.
00:48:04 - Liza. They're still here.
00:48:07 OK, let's go, let's go. Come on.
00:48:09 Quick, we've got to keep up
00:48:12 No, you can't say "let's roll",
00:48:15 That's just who asked to be in
00:48:19 - Yeah.
00:48:22 Are you joining us
00:48:25 Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there.
00:48:27 I don't need to do any of the things...
00:48:30 ...that you need to go in there to do,
00:48:33 - Toby, do you need to use the...?
00:48:35 - I don't need the restroom.
00:48:39 Yeah, they're insane.
00:48:41 Where is it?
00:48:43 I don't know. We can wait here.
00:48:45 Wait round here. When they come out,
00:48:57 Plenty of room down the back.
00:48:59 We seem to be
00:49:03 There must have been a leak.
00:49:06 - Unbelievable!
00:49:10 There's General Miller.
00:49:12 I think it's best that we move,
00:49:16 - If you follow my lead...
00:49:19 Please take an agenda,
00:49:21 This is a cluster fuck.
00:49:26 - Hold onto that one!
00:49:29 If we could do this
00:49:32 Just this way, folks.
00:49:34 Moo!
00:49:43 Find a chair,
00:49:45 More this way.
00:49:46 Excellent. I'm room meat again.
00:49:49 This is a massive abattoir
00:49:54 Just so you know,
00:49:57 ...having to skulk around
00:49:59 ...to find out about the committee.
00:50:01 Well, you're both here now, huh,
00:50:04 We need to talk.
00:50:06 How about my office,
00:50:09 OK, off you go.
00:50:11 - What do you mean?
00:50:13 Go and find the next thing. Talk to that
00:50:17 He knows things.
00:50:18 - Don't make me pump Chad.
00:50:22 Go on, it'll be easy-peasey
00:50:24 No, it won't. It'll be difficult, difficult,
00:50:29 Have a lovely afternoon.
00:50:31 So, welcome
00:50:35 ...session of
00:50:39 Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six,
00:50:42 it feels like there's already been
00:50:45 ...and don't you think that we should
00:50:50 I mean, this is,
00:50:53 This is the Future Planning Committee.
00:50:56 Well, unofficially,
00:50:59 Well, Karen, unofficially,
00:51:03 I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but
00:51:08 And this is
00:51:11 Well, unofficially,
00:51:16 Hey.
00:51:18 - What's all this?
00:51:21 We're just choosing a font
00:51:23 What about that font the SS used?
00:51:25 Have you thought about
00:51:28 Er... well,
00:51:30 Heavy metal?
00:51:32 - No, the SS.
00:51:37 Has a decision already been made,
00:51:44 I would refer you
00:51:46 ...of our colleague from the UK,
00:51:51 Yes, I think that Mr Foster
00:51:56 I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides.
00:52:01 In England we have a saying
00:52:06 which is that it's difficult, difficult...
00:52:12 .. lemon difficult.
00:52:16 You betcha. Huh?
00:52:21 No, No, it's not,
00:52:24 Karen, calm down.
00:52:26 Because we don't want you
00:52:33 Linton! Linton!
00:52:36 Mr Tucker, isn't it?
00:52:39 Are you fucking me about?
00:52:43 Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?
00:52:45 I've just come from a briefing
00:52:49 You're talking about AJ.
00:52:52 He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.
00:52:55 One of the brightest and best.
00:52:56 Well, his briefing notes
00:53:00 When I left, I nearly tripped up
00:53:03 I'm sorry it troubles you
00:53:05 ...achieve excellence
00:53:07 But could we just move on
00:53:10 Now, I understand that
00:53:14 ...to supply us with some, say,
00:53:20 Yeah, apparently, your fucking
00:53:23 - ... can't quite get the job done...
00:53:26 ...between breast feeds
00:53:29 So, an actual grown-up
00:53:32 Ah, Minister. Thank you so much
00:53:35 And what did you say,
00:53:39 - Right, that's terrific.
00:53:43 It's early days, my friend.
00:53:46 "All roads lead to Munich"?
00:53:49 I think it just means...
00:53:54 You see that?
00:53:57 Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest
00:54:01 ...is buying a fucking Toblerone.
00:54:03 I'll meet you in the car.
00:54:06 So, what are we going back to...
00:54:08 ...apart from a nice cup of tea
00:54:11 Constituency surgery in Northampton.
00:54:14 Oh, great.
00:54:16 Meeting my constituents.
00:54:18 It's like being Simon Cowell
00:54:22 "Fuck off you're mental. "
00:54:33 It's stuck.
00:54:35 Simon, do you mind?
00:54:38 If you just kick it at the bottom
00:54:43 I'm just going to go
00:54:46 We've just come back from America,
00:54:48 Right. How was the President?
00:54:52 Good, actually. Yeah.
00:54:54 Good.
00:54:58 Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen.
00:55:03 Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this,
00:55:08 - Is that any better?
00:55:11 This septic tank, if we didn't even know
00:55:15 how come we're responsible for it now?
00:55:18 I think what's causing the problem...
00:55:20 ...is that it's not actually
00:55:23 - You should leave this to us now.
00:55:26 Certainly, I'm completely on board.
00:55:29 - Is he?
00:55:31 - All right?
00:55:33 - Thank you.
00:55:35 Thanks.
00:55:37 - Hello.
00:55:38 - Mr Foster.
00:55:40 - Right, OK.
00:55:42 - I know I have.
00:55:44 I'll keep it brief, I know you're
00:55:47 ...who wants to stop people talking
00:55:52 Yeah. Well, this sometimes
00:55:54 ...for people who are
00:56:00 And also very sensible people,
00:56:03 - Paul, why don't you just...
00:56:06 Paul, why don't you
00:56:11 Right, OK, I'll tell you again.
00:56:13 Your constituency side wall...
00:56:17 - Uh-huh.
00:56:20 Your wall... is falling
00:56:24 She tried to call the office,
00:56:27 Fobbed off by your people, because
00:56:31 ...or Madonna on a horse.
00:56:33 Well, that I... I find that sort of thing
00:56:36 It's a patch from London,
00:56:41 - Hello? Sorry, I'm not here.
00:56:44 - I have to take this.
00:56:46 Absolutely not.
00:56:47 What's the difference between
00:56:50 You won't be able to forget me, Simon.
00:56:53 What's going on there, Simon?
00:56:54 It's... It's departmental business.
00:56:58 - Oh, Gaza?
00:57:00 I'm wondering where you were
00:57:02 I called for back-up and you sat there
00:57:06 Only maybe worse,
00:57:09 shit is probably fizzling with energy.
00:57:12 I have to say, Karen, I do have
00:57:14 which is I'm playing...
00:57:17 Still here, Simon.
00:57:18 They've bounced us into a short game,
00:57:22 What do you call it in England?
00:57:25 No, we don't call it that.
00:57:27 Paul. Paul.
00:57:29 Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped
00:57:32 He's mentioned the matter of a bomb.
00:57:34 I'm not going to let a bomb off,
00:57:37 How do I know
00:57:40 Listen, Paul, why don't I give
00:57:45 - so that you...
00:57:48 - Mobile phone details.
00:57:51 - Of course I've got a fucking mobile!
00:57:53 What is wrong with you?
00:57:54 Five megapixels.
00:57:56 Can we see the wall?
00:57:58 - Well, it's a start.
00:58:01 I'm not... not your friend,
00:58:04 Thank you.
00:58:06 That's a pleasure.
00:58:08 Thank you.
00:58:11 Done. I'm done, I'm done.
00:58:13 - Thank you.
00:58:16 Four more constituents. How many
00:58:19 OK, hang on.
00:58:21 Also the committee got leaked and
00:58:26 I want a head on a plate, to go.
00:58:31 You're not my boss. Er... fuck off!
00:58:35 You can't make me sack people.
00:58:37 Why does she want someone sacked?
00:58:39 Ah, she said there's a leak...
00:58:42 The detail of the committee meeting
00:58:46 There shouldn't have been
00:58:49 Right, and who does she want sacked?
00:58:51 - Somebody from our office.
00:58:54 Let's forget it. Come on, next person.
00:58:58 - Could it have been Judy?
00:59:03 Judy, can you come
00:59:06 One second. Tobes, that's for you.
00:59:08 What is it?
00:59:10 - It's that madman about the wall.
00:59:12 Wall! Eugh.
00:59:15 Will you please come into my office
00:59:18 - Yeah, OK, OK, what?
00:59:20 - Argh! Fucker!
00:59:22 And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë.
00:59:24 What can I do for you, Paul?
00:59:26 You know those buttresses
00:59:31 They are utterly insubstantial...
00:59:33 ...to even the untrained eye,
00:59:36 And my eye's trained.
00:59:38 No, I get that, I do... I understand that.
00:59:41 If that wall collapsed
00:59:44 that could crush her to death.
00:59:46 Do you know how old she is?
00:59:49 I'm 60.
00:59:50 She's 60... You're not fucking 60!
00:59:53 If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60.
00:59:56 Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not
01:00:00 - I didn't leak anything.
01:00:03 - I'm just getting my tea.
01:00:05 Could you just get your mum to stay
01:00:09 She can't stay away,
01:00:12 Could she maybe do it with a hose,
01:00:16 She's got a watering can!
01:00:18 Calm down, Paul, calm down.
01:00:19 I'm not... I'm fucking Zen.
01:00:25 I've brought my nunchucks
01:00:27 See how the meeting goes.
01:00:31 12:30.
01:00:33 Hold on. General?
01:00:36 Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick
01:00:41 ...that his last meeting
01:00:44 He sends his apologies.
01:00:46 When will he be here?
01:00:47 I don't have that information
01:00:50 What the fuck?
01:00:52 Huh?
01:00:54 - Did he stand me up?
01:00:57 - You're more than welcome to wait.
01:01:00 I'm going to take
01:01:02 just to let him know that I was here.
01:01:05 I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.
01:01:10 You can wait. We have
01:01:14 - There's um...
01:01:26 You want me to read a periodical
01:01:30 Sit here with my thumb up my ass
01:01:33 Finding out what? Which little starlet
01:01:36 No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir.
01:01:42 Give this to your boss.
01:01:46 Yeah.
01:01:50 Get out of my way.
01:02:09 Oh, my God. What's up?
01:02:13 Fucking Linton stood me up.
01:02:15 He's playing me
01:02:18 Do you know where he is?
01:02:20 With this little fucking twit?
01:02:23 No, not with... No, that's Chad.
01:02:26 He just carries that every day,
01:02:31 I was going to eat lunch in here. Can
01:02:34 Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.
01:02:36 Chinese OK?
01:02:38 Why don't you order me
01:02:40 A little bunny and a little puppy,
01:02:43 so I can twist their fucking neck off
01:02:47 My, my. All right.
01:02:48 While Foster jets around
01:02:52 his constituency wall is collapsing
01:02:56 It doesn't say that?
01:02:57 No. But it does say
01:02:59 Wall-ace, though.
01:03:02 You're being portrayed as
01:03:05 I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me.
01:03:07 I'm giving this to somebody else.
01:03:10 Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
01:03:14 Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.
01:03:16 What is this? Surround bollocking?
01:03:18 Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished.
01:03:21 If it isn't Humpty Numpty
01:03:24 ...like some clueless egg cunt.
01:03:27 Now, I'm finished.
01:03:28 Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.
01:03:30 Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.
01:03:34 Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased
01:03:37 Now, right, that's enough of all
01:03:41 - What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
01:03:44 Do you want me
01:03:46 Right, I'm off to deal
01:03:50 Be gentle with them.
01:03:52 Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves...
01:03:56 Right, Butch and Gaydance,
01:04:00 There's a cartoon
01:04:02 A walrus?
01:04:04 I'm not fat,
01:04:07 Fuck, they've given me tusks.
01:04:09 - Wal-rus.
01:04:11 You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.
01:04:13 We called some builders. They didn't
01:04:17 What did you expect?
01:04:19 They're builders!
01:04:21 Have you ever seen a film
01:04:24 No, no, because they never
01:04:28 Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?
01:04:30 That's why you never see
01:04:34 You know, my theory
01:04:36 ...out of bits of old psychopath.
01:04:38 Hello, ladies.
01:04:40 OK, well,
01:04:42 Good idea, we're on the Sancerre.
01:04:44 - If you can afford that.
01:04:48 - Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde.
01:04:51 Toby's got a message. Hang on.
01:04:56 What's that?
01:04:59 - Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it.
01:05:02 I don't fucking... I don't believe it,
01:05:06 Little shit, he's such a shit.
01:05:10 What?
01:05:12 - Here he is.
01:05:14 The finest Sancerre
01:05:16 So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?
01:05:20 What? No.
01:05:21 Were you aware he was ball-deep
01:05:24 - Suzy!
01:05:27 Can we not discuss my balls
01:05:31 Just tell me why. Huh?
01:05:37 I don't know, Suzy. It was very weird
01:05:42 Right.
01:05:43 Maybe, I don't know,
01:05:47 it was like a... it was just...
01:05:53 ...stop this... awful war, you know?
01:06:00 Just on a... I mean, you know,
01:06:03 - Wow.
01:06:05 ...to try and actually stop it.
01:06:06 Toby, did you just say
01:06:09 No, no, no.
01:06:10 An anti-war shag? Is that what you
01:06:15 Can we just go and discuss this...
01:06:16 ...somewhere where there aren't
01:06:19 He's got his little cannons
01:06:25 ...this is the problem
01:06:28 Once you've been there,
01:06:30 you never want to go again,
01:06:35 It's like France.
01:06:38 Is there anything besides this to eat?
01:06:40 Have something else.
01:06:43 What's this, fish ass?
01:06:45 - So, you read Liza's paper, I guess?
01:06:48 I'm a voracious reader.
01:06:50 I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
01:06:53 Gore's gay.
01:06:54 No, he's not.
01:06:55 I beg to differ, but...
01:06:57 He's gay? Because I've been saying
01:07:00 He is gay.
01:07:03 Guess, I'd better stop saying that, then.
01:07:05 It's ridiculous.
01:07:07 The case against war
01:07:10 ...and the case for war
01:07:13 "Most analysts
01:07:15 ...to expand aggressively
01:07:17 Then you look down the caveats.
01:07:20 A possible alcoholic" - he probably does
01:07:24 The Ice Man.
01:07:25 If he even exists.
01:07:27 "The INR says we can't trust him. "
01:07:31 We should leak this, you know.
01:07:33 When do you wanna leak it?
01:07:36 Me?
01:07:37 - Isn't that what you were suggesting?
01:07:39 You don't have to say
01:07:41 No, I'm not leaking it.
01:07:46 Liza looks good today.
01:07:52 - I mean, has Linton read this thing?
01:08:00 Why don't you give it
01:08:03 Oh, great, just what we need.
01:08:06 - What the fuck's Cocoon doing here?
01:08:09 - Well, I live here.
01:08:11 - Want another cup of tea, Michael?
01:08:15 OK, right, I'm taking
01:08:17 - Do you want me to go?
01:08:19 He's just getting his brie
01:08:22 - Do you want me to help him pack?
01:08:25 Quince paste, he's such a prick.
01:08:27 Just going to gather up his shit clothes.
01:08:30 Shut up.
01:08:33 That's not how you fold them.
01:08:36 I'm not going to fucking Fiji,
01:08:39 They're all going in bin liners.
01:08:41 It makes all the difference
01:08:44 There is no other end, that's the point.
01:08:46 - Has she got big tits?
01:08:49 Yes, actually, she has.
01:08:51 Look them up on Google Earth.
01:08:54 They're so enormous
01:08:57 ...suck in other tits
01:08:59 Like you?
01:09:04 Thanks. See you, then.
01:09:05 OK.
01:09:07 Um...
01:09:09 Suzy, this is probably going to sound a
01:09:14 A quickie?
01:09:15 No. Thank you, but no.
01:09:19 It's about Liza.
01:09:21 Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.
01:09:24 - PWIP what?
01:09:26 Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?
01:09:28 - Post War Planning Implications...
01:09:32 Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked,
01:09:36 you know, too quickly, that sort of thing.
01:09:38 - Just if it was leaked.
01:09:42 Take your backlog of Mojo
01:09:46 and your eighth of dope
01:09:51 OK, I'll just leave it there.
01:10:00 - I need advice myself.
01:10:03 This should not be here.
01:10:06 Sir. Everyone.
01:10:09 - The car is ready?
01:10:11 - I'm handling travel.
01:10:14 This had better be a fucking fire drill.
01:10:16 The President just announced he's
01:10:21 That means, right,
01:10:23 That he needs the Chinese to at least
01:10:27 OK, so we're going to the UN.
01:10:29 - Yes, we're going to the UN.
01:10:32 Why didn't you tell me, Liza?
01:10:35 Since I created the budget deficit,
01:10:37 the President doesn't tend
01:10:40 Don't get funny with me.
01:10:43 I'm... I'm getting that.
01:10:45 If you say we're leaving in ten minutes
01:10:50 Not that I don't trust you,
01:10:53 I am gonna go into Linton's office...
01:10:55 ...and I'm gonna pull the little pin
01:10:57 - Don't do that.
01:10:59 I'm not gonna do that.
01:11:01 We have an elevator waiting for us.
01:11:03 Good. Step in,
01:11:05 I just...
01:11:08 This job is incredibly stressful,
01:11:11 Simon, you're not a lion tamer,
01:11:14 you're not a snooker player.
01:11:17 I don't want to back a war, Judy.
01:11:21 Look, put some hints out there,
01:11:25 ...that I'm toying with resignation, OK?
01:11:30 - You want me to put out some winks?
01:11:33 What? Big nods?
01:11:35 No, no, just sort of...
01:11:37 OK.
01:11:39 No, no, that's much too big.
01:11:40 I'm just nodding normally to say
01:11:44 Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah.
01:11:46 All right now, my lovely friends,
01:11:50 Oh, God, I hate that phrase.
01:11:52 I mean, we're not in retailing.
01:11:54 Sorry. Michael's quite right.
01:11:57 The bottom line is the President
01:11:59 This will be the vote to commence
01:12:04 And the Prime Minister has decided
01:12:07 Rob, Innis,
01:12:08 Little Bo Cock Jockey
01:12:11 go back to your desks...
01:12:13 ...and prepare to start briefing now.
01:12:15 Michael, do you mind
01:12:18 - What?
01:12:19 Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line
01:12:22 Um... might need to turn the music off.
01:12:25 Yes.
01:12:28 - Right.
01:12:29 So, this is all going to spin along
01:12:31 We're going to have a vote
01:12:33 We'll fight people, kill them.
01:12:36 This is exactly the sort of thing...
01:12:38 ...that I didn't want to do
01:12:41 This is the opposite
01:12:43 That's why you have to stay
01:12:46 In here, you can influence things,
01:12:49 Out there, you're just another...
01:12:50 ...mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people
01:12:54 Remember Mary? Remember what
01:12:57 Everybody decided
01:12:59 Because The Sun
01:13:01 ...with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
01:13:03 I happened to find that a particularly
01:13:05 Look... the Prime Minister
01:13:08 he's not a fucking Viking, is he?
01:13:10 He doesn't drink blood.
01:13:12 He doesn't go around biting tramps.
01:13:14 I know the Prime Minister
01:13:17 Unlike me,
01:13:20 Where is the intelligence,
01:13:22 We have got the fucking intelligence.
01:13:24 - I haven't seen it.
01:13:27 so fucking hard,
01:13:31 Where's it coming from?
01:13:32 There is an informant.
01:13:34 Ice Man.
01:13:36 Ice Man?
01:13:39 I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah.
01:13:42 And the fact is,
01:13:44 I've seen it.
01:13:46 It would make your blood run cold...
01:13:49 ...and clot and turn your insides
01:13:53 but certain box lickers...
01:13:55 ...are sitting on it,
01:13:57 because the PM regards you...
01:13:59 ...as a key player in this now.
01:14:01 Simon, the Prime Minister wants
01:14:05 He wants you to go to the UN.
01:14:07 OK.
01:14:08 See? You're on the A list now.
01:14:10 You're there in the VIP lounge.
01:14:13 Yeah, Malcolm...
01:14:14 You've got the gold card,
01:14:16 the fucking hard on.
01:14:18 Show me the evidence -
01:14:21 Don't you start, as well.
01:14:26 Should I resign?
01:14:29 I floated that I might, then I thought I
01:14:34 I mean, do you think,
01:14:38 ...and say, "No. No war"?
01:14:41 - Yes.
01:14:42 ...is it braver...
01:14:45 ...to say, "I don't agree ",
01:14:47 and just grit my teeth
01:14:49 No.
01:14:50 Is the really brave thing
01:14:54 No.
01:14:55 Maybe.
01:14:56 Because...
01:14:58 What's actually brave
01:15:01 Nothing.
01:15:02 You know, doing the wrong thing is...
01:15:05 ...is... is braver,
01:15:06 in a way, isn't it?
01:15:09 And wars do sometimes work.
01:15:13 That erm...
01:15:14 ...the War for Independence.
01:15:16 You know, that worked
01:15:19 And... erm...
01:15:22 The Second World War.
01:15:24 I know, it's not...
01:15:28 No, no, I know what you mean.
01:15:29 The Crimean War.
01:15:32 - Nurses are good.
01:15:34 So, right, well, no, exactly.
01:15:39 So...
01:15:42 You're not resigning?
01:15:49 In the motorcade, can we get
01:15:51 You want hookers?
01:15:54 No, I don't want...
01:15:55 - I want to talk about resigning.
01:15:58 Yes, but with you and not her.
01:16:05 So, the wires are all currently reporting
01:16:09 What? That's not supposed
01:16:11 Well, it is outside. It's lurking outside,
01:16:16 Do you know, if I could,
01:16:23 So, you must be Simon.
01:16:26 Sir Jonathon Tutt.
01:16:28 Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
01:16:31 We, sir, are in here.
01:16:34 So, if there's anything you need,
01:16:37 You know how to do that, don't you?
01:16:39 Hm? That's right. You put your lips
01:16:44 I'm going to head up to
01:16:46 I hope there's some nibbles,
01:16:51 Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?
01:16:53 Fuck the nibbles.
01:16:56 OK. Your phone is off,
01:17:00 Someone's leaked Liza Weld's
01:17:03 Jesus Christ!
01:17:06 Ah, there we go.
01:17:09 I reckon it's going to be on the six
01:17:13 That is going to fucking fist
01:17:16 Hey, you! Freeze!
01:17:17 Right. Missing you loads.
01:17:20 I want a fucking word with you.
01:17:22 OK, Jamie, two jobs.
01:17:24 Job one. Find the PWIP PIP leaker
01:17:28 Job two. Go to the BBC
01:17:31 We need them to delay
01:17:34 I love you.
01:17:39 Excuse me, I need a word with you.
01:17:41 Do not move from here
01:17:44 OK.
01:17:44 - Right. Was it you?
01:17:47 No. What?
01:17:48 - You know what I'm talking about.
01:17:50 And... And... whatever it was,
01:17:52 I almost certainly didn't do it.
01:17:54 - You, the baby from Eraserhead?
01:17:56 Then it must be you,
01:17:58 It wasn't me.
01:17:59 You've really got it in for me,
01:18:01 Listen, somebody has dropped
01:18:04 - And I reckon it was you.
01:18:06 - Nice logic.
01:18:08 Will you just keep your nib out?
01:18:10 Psychologically speaking.
01:18:12 - Springer spaniel head.
01:18:14 You might have built up a resentment
01:18:17 That's a thing I've observed people do.
01:18:19 Observe that.
01:18:21 - Right, Baldermort.
01:18:23 Excuse us.
01:18:25 We are in a new reality here.
01:18:27 - OK?
01:18:28 And I need you to speed things up.
01:18:30 OK. Speed what up, Malcolm?
01:18:32 - The debate.
01:18:35 I need you to bring it
01:18:38 Right. Let me tell you how the process
01:18:43 Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find
01:18:46 in a Medieval fucking war zone,
01:18:47 arse in the air, trying to persuade
01:18:50 ...that sustained sexual violence
01:18:54 It cannot be done and it will not
01:18:57 Ok, I'll do it. Through here?
01:18:59 You will not do it
01:19:02 - Well, you do it.
01:19:04 - In there. Do it.
01:19:06 - Get through there and do it, now.
01:19:10 Right... well...
01:19:11 Erm... everyone, if I could just...
01:19:13 Is this...
01:19:14 Can you hear me?
01:19:16 I just wondered if we might er...
01:19:21 ...a cheeky early vote,
01:19:22 a sort of a little bit of an adventure.
01:19:25 Yeah, we've got to plug that leak.
01:19:26 I don't know what else they've got
01:19:29 Are you sure you're working as hard
01:19:32 I'm a fucking husk.
01:19:34 Jesus.
01:19:36 - Got everything you need?
01:19:40 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:19:41 General Flintstone.
01:19:44 Was it you?
01:19:45 Did you leak PWIP PIP?
01:19:48 I mean, I know you can't fire a gun,
01:19:51 No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP.
01:19:54 Not like some creepy little gay
01:19:58 ...doing other people's dirty work.
01:19:59 Hey, I am doing my own work.
01:20:01 I'm doing my job.
01:20:02 No, you're doing Linton's dirty work.
01:20:05 You're his English bitch
01:20:07 I bet if I went into your hotel room
01:20:10 little fishnets on,
01:20:12 Oh, that's nice, that's nice.
01:20:14 That's tough talk coming from
01:20:17 Why don't you put your feet up
01:20:20 Tucker, you might be a scary little
01:20:24 but here you're nothing.
01:20:25 You know what you look like?
01:20:28 A squeezed dick.
01:20:29 You've got a little blue vein
01:20:33 See, that's where I'd put the bullet.
01:20:35 But I'd have to stand back,
01:20:39 Have you ever, even actually...
01:20:41 ...killed anybody, I mean, really?
01:20:43 Yeah.
01:20:45 Falling asleep on someone.
01:20:47 That's good. That's good.
01:20:49 How about you, pussy drip,
01:20:52 Maiming is what I prefer,
01:20:54 Why don't you try to maim me?
01:20:56 I'll hit you so hard in the face,
01:21:00 Go right ahead.
01:21:02 I can see the headlines right now.
01:21:04 "Peace-loving general starts fight
01:21:08 I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin,
01:21:11 Yeah?
01:21:12 - Yeah?
01:21:17 Now, do excuse me.
01:21:18 I've got work to do.
01:21:22 Don't ever call me
01:21:28 Suzy, well done.
01:21:30 This is absolutely superb.
01:21:32 Hey, horse of the year, was it you?
01:21:34 - Was what me?
01:21:37 Was it you?
01:21:38 Was what me, Jamie? I have no idea
01:21:41 She can't answer the question,
01:21:45 You...
01:21:46 ...leaked Liza Weld's paper
01:21:50 Now, tell me you leaked it.
01:21:54 No, I didn't. I didn't leak it.
01:21:56 I know...
01:21:58 ...the leak came from in here.
01:22:01 From...
01:22:02 ...this fucking fax machine right here.
01:22:06 No. There's no... There's no way.
01:22:10 Do you see...
01:22:11 ...what I'm doing to this machine?
01:22:13 - Jamie, don't.
01:22:15 Jesus Christ!
01:22:16 Fuck, Jamie.
01:22:18 You see how... angry I am with the...
01:22:21 ...piece of office equipment
01:22:26 Huh?
01:22:27 Michael.
01:22:28 Can you even imagine how angry I am
01:22:33 - That's really... expensive, Jamie.
01:22:37 Jamie, it was me.
01:22:39 Oh, don't come over
01:22:42 - I leaked it.
01:22:44 No, hang on, hang on. For a start...
01:22:46 ...turn that fucking racket off!
01:22:48 - Turn it off.
01:22:51 Subsidised foreign fucking vowels.
01:22:56 The only reason you listen to this shit
01:22:59 ...to actually wear a hat that says,
01:23:02 "I went to private school. "
01:23:04 So, tell me now, right.
01:23:06 - Who did you leak it to?
01:23:08 I read it, I thought it was important,
01:23:11 Good. Fine. See that fax?
01:23:13 Yes.
01:23:14 That is your career.
01:23:17 And I think it might be fucked,
01:23:21 Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked.
01:23:23 Now, I hope you can play the spoons.
01:23:25 You're too old to go back
01:23:29 Simon? Simon.
01:23:31 Congratulations.
01:23:34 Hi.
01:23:35 - This is great, Simon.
01:23:38 - Have you seen it? It's a good picture.
01:23:40 - They're running with that?
01:23:42 I didn't say that.
01:23:44 What?
01:23:45 - What?
01:23:47 Are you still playing the hawk?
01:23:49 In a way, it's... I'm playing a much
01:23:53 I'm a...
01:23:54 I'm a fake hawk.
01:23:57 A what?
01:23:59 A fake hawk.
01:24:02 You're an idiot.
01:24:05 Or are you being a fake idiot?
01:24:08 So, we float it, anyway, tell the press
01:24:12 - That's what we'll do, then.
01:24:14 - It's decided, then.
01:24:17 I'm me. OK?
01:24:18 You're not me.
01:24:21 I decide about all the main things
01:24:25 - Not any more.
01:24:26 Simon, the only thing that we can do
01:24:32 That's it, OK?
01:24:33 - Sacrifice ourselves.
01:24:36 No, not like suicide bomber.
01:24:48 Are you OK?
01:24:51 I'm thinking of becoming
01:24:55 Right.
01:24:57 - Would you like a mint?
01:24:58 They're really not that good
01:25:04 - It's early.
01:25:08 Well... you're my boss, you know.
01:25:10 But do you really like me?
01:25:14 Yeah.
01:25:16 I'll... I'll just leave you to
01:25:19 OK?
01:25:20 I haven't got any thoughts.
01:25:24 I'm just staring vacantly into space.
01:25:27 While a distant voice
01:25:30 "Oh, shit",
01:25:32 like a car alarm,
01:25:36 Why? Has Jamie been round?
01:25:38 - Because he's...
01:25:41 Suzy, can I phone you back in a few
01:25:44 I'll just deal with this one here.
01:25:46 I have got something really, really big
01:25:49 ...and you're going to fuck it up
01:25:52 What did you...?
01:25:54 Chad, I don't need to tell you anything.
01:25:57 I want to tell you a story.
01:25:58 When the Titanic went down,
01:26:01 They had extra room on them
01:26:04 Some people on the boats just wanted
01:26:07 but people in the water froze
01:26:10 You talk entirely in parables.
01:26:13 Tread lightly. OK?
01:26:16 - Oh, really?
01:26:19 We're both and so...
01:26:20 - Fuck you all.
01:26:22 Hello.
01:26:23 Hello!
01:26:24 Hello, Paul.
01:26:26 - Guess what's happened to my wall?
01:26:30 The Vice President's... Doesn't matter.
01:26:33 Of America. Yes. That one.
01:26:37 So, we're getting a little close
01:26:40 Where is that intel, huh?
01:26:42 What sort of intel have you rustled up?
01:26:44 - Ah, the smoking intel?
01:26:47 Well, honestly, I haven't got it.
01:26:49 You haven't got it?
01:26:51 All right. OK.
01:26:52 Well, then, can you delay the vote?
01:26:56 I've just had it brought forward.
01:27:00 Sorry, I'm just erm... getting my mints.
01:27:04 I am telling you, delay the vote...
01:27:06 ...and make yourself some time to get
01:27:12 Hey. OK.
01:27:14 J Edgar Fucking Hoover,
01:27:16 You don't fucking tell me what to do.
01:27:19 OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice.
01:27:21 This is a sacred place.
01:27:23 Now, you may not believe that
01:27:27 but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
01:27:29 And, secondarily,
01:27:31 I believe your Prime Minister
01:27:37 Take your sweeties and fuck off.
01:27:40 Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker.
01:27:42 One of your guys leaks a paper.
01:27:45 Huh? We tell you to get some intel.
01:27:48 I need you to move the vote back.
01:27:51 I am afraid you are nothing
01:27:54 S star-star T.
01:27:58 What the fuck do you want?
01:28:00 Erm... sorry, I...
01:28:01 I've just heard that the constituency
01:28:05 A brick's fallen out. Well, that's
01:28:09 There'll be more to follow.
01:28:10 News and bricks.
01:28:12 My God, that sounds important.
01:28:16 I think that's more your speed.
01:28:18 I can see you, with your shirt off and
01:28:22 Get on that.
01:28:28 You work for him?
01:28:30 This is very fucking complicated stuff.
01:28:33 After the vote...
01:28:36 .. I resign.
01:28:37 Oh, fuck off!
01:28:39 Resigning?
01:28:40 How fucking impressive!
01:28:42 Resign. The horse has bolted. It's out
01:28:46 I'll see you later, Malcolm.
01:28:49 You...
01:28:51 You repeat...
01:28:52 ...one word of what you have
01:28:55 ...and I'm going to fucking
01:29:00 The shin bone.
01:29:02 I'm going to take the shin bone,
01:29:05 ...and I'm going to fucking stab you
01:29:10 So, just... just...
01:29:11 ...go away.
01:29:13 Go away.
01:29:28 Hi. BBC News Desk, please.
01:29:30 Malcolm Tucker.
01:29:33 Hi, Ben.
01:29:34 Listen, I hear that you might be
01:29:38 - Yeah, please.
01:29:40 I just wanted to say, please, this
01:29:44 Ow!
01:29:45 Simon Foster's constituency office wall.
01:29:47 That's what you've got, haven't you?
01:29:49 Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat
01:29:52 Please, don't run with that.
01:29:55 - Ow!
01:29:58 My hand is really
01:30:00 I know it was you who leaked
01:30:03 Oh. Right. Erm...
01:30:07 - It wasn't.
01:30:09 That's what you'll say...
01:30:10 ...when they fly you to Diego Garcia
01:30:17 I don't actually recall.
01:30:18 It was a very busy time.
01:30:20 That's better. OK.
01:30:22 I am putting you
01:30:25 ...from today,
01:30:28 - All right.
01:30:30 - Yes.
01:30:32 I own you. You are my Kunta Kinte.
01:30:38 Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy
01:30:42 Excuse us, just for a second.
01:30:43 I'm pleased to be able to tell you that,
01:30:48 I've brought your vote forward
01:30:52 - Great. Well, I need it delayed now.
01:30:56 By an hour, at least.
01:30:57 Well, actually, two and a half hours,
01:31:01 No. I will not put myself through that
01:31:07 Right.
01:31:10 Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
01:31:14 You're notfired.
01:31:17 - Well, it sounds ominous.
01:31:21 ...out there properly,
01:31:24 We just need to refine it a bit.
01:31:26 - What do you want to refine?
01:31:28 Move the paragraphs. Change
01:31:31 - Well, that's a complete fabrication.
01:31:35 Do you think
01:31:38 "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son... Ice. "
01:31:41 So, change it to another name.
01:31:44 What's the name
01:31:47 - This happens to be Debussy.
01:31:49 - Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
01:31:52 Now, your prints
01:31:55 but that's the only way
01:31:58 - Don't make me do this.
01:32:00 Somebody must have come in there
01:32:03 - It could have been anyone.
01:32:05 Ah, no! Don't worry about that.
01:32:09 No, I made that up.
01:32:11 No, the document
01:32:13 It's just, the fax machine was there,
01:32:16 Come on, Thick White Duke!
01:32:19 - Don't shout at...
01:32:21 Right, OK. Is it up? Have you got it up?
01:32:24 Yeah, it's all fine.
01:32:26 OK. Cut the top paragraph
01:32:29 Right, yeah, we've done it.
01:32:30 Page 6- get rid of the footnotes.
01:32:33 Done.
01:32:34 - Go to page 9.
01:32:36 Highlight from that page
01:32:39 - Go on, do it.
01:32:42 - OK. Delete.
01:32:45 You can't delete
01:32:49 Oh. There's a shake of the head here,
01:32:52 Give him a thump - that usually works.
01:32:54 Let me try
01:32:56 Let's see if it is possible to delete
01:33:00 Hey! You coulddelete it, after all.
01:33:03 Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail.
01:33:05 Yes, done it. Done it.
01:33:07 Let's find a printer.
01:33:09 - Right.
01:33:13 - Well, we can't just present it like this.
01:33:15 Go and get me a blue folder.
01:33:17 - Well, OK. Where from?
01:33:20 I've never been in a fucking stationery
01:33:24 Just take out all the conditionals.
01:33:26 Like, "might" becomes... Instead of
01:33:35 Be audacious.
01:33:39 Ohh...
01:33:40 Declarative sentences-
01:33:42 - Take 'em all out.
01:33:44 - What is it?
01:33:47 Yeah?
01:33:53 I think that I am owed
01:33:58 Congratulations, huh?
01:34:01 Maybe they'll give you a knighthood.
01:34:04 A pleasure doing business with you.
01:34:06 You know,
01:34:09 ...but none as fucking boring as you.
01:34:12 I mean, you are a real, boring fuck.
01:34:15 - Sorry. I know you dislike swearing.
01:34:19 So, I'll sort that out.
01:34:29 - Are we pretty much...
01:34:31 Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza.
01:34:35 I will make this brief and to the point.
01:34:37 We're gonna go in,
01:34:41 with new British intelligence
01:34:44 we win the argument,
01:34:47 Resolution 2238 is passed.
01:34:52 Yeah. That's that, then.
01:34:56 Yeah?
01:34:57 Jolly good. "That's that, then,"
01:35:00 What?
01:35:03 Well, I remember,
01:35:05 I turned to the Minister, and he said...
01:35:08 "That's that, then.
01:35:12 Piss off, Toby.
01:35:16 - How long before British troops...
01:35:19 You did a really, really, really good job.
01:35:23 Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry.
01:35:28 I e-mailed my resignation
01:35:31 And yours should come pretty soon,
01:35:35 - I've been thinking.
01:35:38 This has been the hardest
01:35:42 I'm not going to resign.
01:35:45 Huh! What the fuck, George?
01:35:48 Before the war, I was going to resign,
01:35:50 but now that there's a war on...
01:35:54 You said that this was intolerable.
01:35:58 It is intolerable,
01:36:01 And I still agree with myself on that.
01:36:04 But my loyalty is to the kids.
01:36:07 You're not a soldier.
01:36:10 - I've been a soldier my whole life.
01:36:12 What do you mean, I'm not a soldier?
01:36:15 Look at the uniform - you think
01:36:17 When did you shoot a guy last?
01:36:20 Oh, not shooting someone in 15 years
01:36:23 You know, the Army doesn't make you
01:36:27 ...into the Pentagon every five years,
01:36:30 It's unnecessary! And if you were
01:36:34 Look, shut up about my balls.
01:36:37 You've got no idea
01:36:40 I can talk about your balls all you want,
01:36:43 Oh, I fucked you once 20 years ago,
01:36:46 Every time we're together, I hear
01:36:50 Come on, Chad. We have to draft
01:36:53 Actually, I think I might stay
01:36:56 If he's staying, I might stay with him,
01:37:00 OK... General Shrek
01:37:04 - That was nice.
01:37:06 - What are you sticking around for?
01:37:09 ...that I think you've got...
01:37:12 ...big balls...
01:37:14 - It's like... two-thirds of the snowman.
01:37:21 - We did it, Bob, huh?
01:37:23 There were a few moments
01:37:25 No, there weren't.
01:37:29 No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen.
01:37:32 Hey, hey, hey.
01:37:37 - You still don't need to resign.
01:37:40 I'm resigning in an hour,
01:37:42 and there's nothing
01:37:45 - Boss...
01:37:47 Erm...
01:37:50 Partial collapse of the wall.
01:37:54 Obviously, a pane's been smashed.
01:37:56 The BBC
01:37:58 God, how ridiculous!
01:38:01 And that's news?
01:38:04 It's not ridiculous.
01:38:06 It's not ridiculous at all... You're fired.
01:38:10 What?
01:38:12 Over the wall -
01:38:16 It's a fucking wall, Malcolm.
01:38:19 Look. Give me the paper.
01:38:21 The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
01:38:25 suggesting you are the only
01:38:28 Look at this. Look at it.
01:38:31 No-one could survive this.
01:38:34 The PM's very clear about this.
01:38:38 - No.
01:38:40 No. You-You-You haven't
01:38:44 I- I-I have.
01:38:45 You fucking haven't!
01:38:48 I have spoken to the PM. Whether it
01:38:53 And he was very clear -
01:38:59 Ha!
01:39:02 If you think I'm going quietly,
01:39:06 ...you've... you've made a mistake.
01:39:08 Well, if you want to turn this
01:39:12 expect to hear your "mountain
01:39:16 From ring-tones to fucking...
01:39:20 And I will marshal
01:39:25 to hound you to an assisted suicide.
01:39:29 Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your...
01:39:33 Just a quick note to say,
01:39:39 Off we trot.
01:39:41 Come on, young Simon.
01:39:54 Erm... General Miller... sorry.
01:39:58 Go fuck yourself, Frodo.
01:40:00 OK.
01:40:02 You can fuck off yourself, then.
01:40:10 - Are you hanging, Chad?
01:40:14 - Wanna play some Facebook chess?
01:40:17 Just get away from the wall!
01:40:20 I just want a photo near the wall.
01:40:22 Yeah, you can go back
01:40:26 - There?
01:40:28 Check.
01:40:30 I haven't touched it.
01:40:32 I made a move for you, which is
01:40:36 You might be Secretary
01:40:40 You... Don't say that
01:40:43 When, you know, all of this shit
01:40:48 You're a woman... I'm not a woman.
01:40:54 You wanna have sex again?
01:40:57 Well, would it be such a terrible idea?
01:40:59 You know - one more.
01:41:02 "One more for the Gipper. "
01:41:04 Well, I don't want to be accused
01:41:07 but I cannot understand
01:41:11 ...is on a list of DVDs considered suitable
01:41:16 That self-indulgent crap
01:41:22 I've got a selection of the quotations
01:41:25 I mean, they're all local building firms.
01:41:29 You know,
01:41:31 But the... this septic tank...
01:41:34 That is rearing its pooey head again.
01:41:37 Yes.
01:41:38 I just got off the phone with Linton,
01:41:42 for allowing "I Heart Huckabees"
01:41:46 Yeah. You know that phrase,
01:41:49 Well, I'm too young for this shit.
01:41:52 - Here's the new Minister.
01:41:55 - There she is.
01:41:57 - Look at you!
01:42:00 - Minister, how are you doing?
01:42:03 - You've lost some weight.
01:42:06 - Nice to meet you. This is Dan.
01:42:10 - Danny Dan?
01:42:12 - Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky.
01:42:16 - Careful. There's blood on the deck.
01:42:20 How about this? You can't
01:42:23 It's a side-step
01:42:27 I think there's a wee bit of brains there.
01:42:29 It's the only brains that he had, actually.
01:42:31 Nice to meet you, Dan.
01:42:34 - Erm... just a school in Jersey.
01:42:37 - Is that actually Britain?
01:42:39 I'm sorry, but I've been
01:45:24 Let's see you.
01:45:26 Look at the hair on this. Who let this
01:45:31 on national television?
01:45:34 You'd think she's got her finger
01:45:38 Unbelievable.