|
Invention Of Lying The
|
| 00:00:47 |
(TAPPING ON MIC) |
| 00:00:48 |
RICKY GERVAIS: Testing. Testing. |
| 00:00:51 |
Testing over the credits. |
| 00:00:56 |
"Ooh, we're the business people. |
| 00:00:58 |
"Ooh, we want our credit |
| 00:01:02 |
Anyway. |
| 00:01:03 |
The story you're about to see |
| 00:01:05 |
where the human race has never evolved |
| 00:01:09 |
This is a typical town in that world. |
| 00:01:11 |
As you can see, people have jobs and cars |
| 00:01:16 |
but everyone tells the absolute truth. |
| 00:01:18 |
There's no such thing |
| 00:01:22 |
People say exactly what they think, |
| 00:01:25 |
and sometimes that can come across |
| 00:01:27 |
But they've got no choice in the matter. |
| 00:01:30 |
Look, I'm not coming in to work today. |
| 00:01:32 |
No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there. |
| 00:01:34 |
Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat. |
| 00:01:38 |
Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops |
| 00:01:43 |
What are you ordering? |
| 00:01:44 |
GERVAIS: So if you're a chubby, |
| 00:01:47 |
that's Mark Bellison, by the way, |
| 00:01:49 |
then you're all alone |
| 00:01:52 |
But later on in the story, |
| 00:01:56 |
when he tells the world's first lie. |
| 00:01:58 |
He doesn't even know it himself yet. |
| 00:02:01 |
So look forward to that. |
| 00:02:07 |
(EXHALES) |
| 00:02:13 |
Don't blow this. |
| 00:02:28 |
-Hi! |
| 00:02:30 |
You're early. |
| 00:02:31 |
I was just masturbating. |
| 00:02:33 |
That makes me think of your vagina. |
| 00:02:37 |
I'm Mark. How are you? |
| 00:02:40 |
A little frustrated at the moment. |
| 00:02:41 |
Also, equally depressed and pessimistic |
| 00:02:46 |
Sure. |
| 00:02:47 |
I'm Anna. Come on in. |
| 00:02:51 |
Um... Just wait there. |
| 00:02:54 |
I need to finish getting ready. |
| 00:02:56 |
While doing that, |
| 00:02:58 |
and try to finish masturbating |
| 00:03:00 |
(CHUCKLES) |
| 00:03:12 |
I feel awkward now about being early. |
| 00:03:15 |
ANNA: Yeah, |
| 00:03:17 |
and not really looking forward |
| 00:03:19 |
but the thought of being alone |
| 00:03:21 |
scares both my mother and me equally. |
| 00:03:24 |
Sure. |
| 00:03:33 |
Oh. |
| 00:03:37 |
I'm thinking you've started masturbating, |
| 00:03:43 |
And you said you were gonna |
| 00:03:50 |
I'm worried the restaurant I've picked |
| 00:03:55 |
It's all I can afford |
| 00:03:58 |
in my situation. |
| 00:04:01 |
I know I'm in my 40s, |
| 00:04:03 |
but I haven't got any |
| 00:04:07 |
Also, my boss said |
| 00:04:18 |
Wow! |
| 00:04:19 |
I just masturbated. |
| 00:04:20 |
That makes me horny. |
| 00:04:23 |
I don't find you attractive. |
| 00:04:24 |
Oh! |
| 00:04:26 |
Shall we? |
| 00:04:28 |
Yeah. |
| 00:04:30 |
-After you. |
| 00:04:33 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:04:38 |
-This is not as nice as I remember it. |
| 00:04:41 |
Hi. I'm threatened by you. |
| 00:04:44 |
Mark Bellison. Table for two. |
| 00:04:47 |
Of course. Come with me. |
| 00:04:53 |
MARK: Thank you. |
| 00:04:56 |
Thank you. |
| 00:04:58 |
-Plastic. |
| 00:05:00 |
-Hi. |
| 00:05:02 |
-Hello. |
| 00:05:05 |
That only makes this worse. |
| 00:05:06 |
(CLEARS THROAT) Can I get |
| 00:05:08 |
-ANNA: Yes. |
| 00:05:10 |
I'll have a mango margarita, |
| 00:05:12 |
and I'll probably have three more drinks |
| 00:05:17 |
-Your sister? |
| 00:05:18 |
-Daughter? |
| 00:05:20 |
She's way out of your league. |
| 00:05:21 |
(STAMMERS) |
| 00:05:22 |
Thank you. |
| 00:05:31 |
Shall I ask you |
| 00:05:33 |
Yes. |
| 00:05:34 |
How do you spend your days? |
| 00:05:36 |
I get up at 8:00 in the morning |
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because the noise from my alarm clock |
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And I lean over and just turn it off. |
| 00:05:42 |
Turn it off. |
| 00:05:45 |
-Oh. What did you want to know? |
| 00:05:46 |
-Well, do you have a job? |
| 00:05:49 |
-What do you do? |
| 00:05:51 |
-Do you enjoy that? |
| 00:05:52 |
-Oh! |
| 00:05:54 |
which is money. |
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And also the hours are pretty good |
| 00:05:58 |
which I spend on things I like, |
| 00:06:02 |
even though I know it's bad for me. |
| 00:06:04 |
But I'd rather just get all the money |
| 00:06:08 |
Oh, sure. |
| 00:06:10 |
Tell me something about you, though. |
| 00:06:12 |
You already know a lot about me. |
| 00:06:14 |
You know I'm good-looking |
| 00:06:19 |
And you know that I'm successful |
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because you've seen my apartment |
| 00:06:24 |
And you know I'm happy |
| 00:06:27 |
-Are you always happy? |
| 00:06:29 |
Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying. |
| 00:06:35 |
-There you go. |
| 00:06:37 |
-I had a little sip of this from right there, so... |
| 00:06:42 |
You guys ready to order |
| 00:06:45 |
I'm good. |
| 00:06:46 |
Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken |
| 00:06:50 |
but I also think I deserve |
| 00:06:53 |
I'll have the fish tacos |
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It's all I know. |
| 00:06:58 |
Great. I'll get those two started. |
| 00:07:01 |
If I gave you my number, would you call me? |
| 00:07:02 |
No. |
| 00:07:05 |
(CELLPHONE RINGING) |
| 00:07:06 |
Sorry. It's my mom. |
| 00:07:08 |
I think she's probably checking on the date. |
| 00:07:11 |
Hello. |
| 00:07:13 |
Yes, I'm with him right now. |
| 00:07:15 |
No, not very attractive. |
| 00:07:19 |
It's all right, though. |
| 00:07:22 |
A bit fat. |
| 00:07:24 |
Has a funny little snub nose. |
| 00:07:28 |
(EXCLAIMS) |
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Kind of like a frog in the facial area. |
| 00:07:33 |
Yeah, but... |
| 00:07:34 |
No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight. |
| 00:07:36 |
No. Probably not even a kiss. |
| 00:07:39 |
Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that. |
| 00:07:42 |
It's all right. Don't think twice. |
| 00:07:45 |
-She's all right... |
| 00:07:54 |
Thanks for going on this date with me. |
| 00:07:57 |
You're way out of my league, |
| 00:08:01 |
and I'll probably never |
| 00:08:05 |
I had a better time than I thought I'd have. |
| 00:08:08 |
But I won't really know how I feel about you |
| 00:08:12 |
-Sure. |
| 00:08:13 |
Well, call me tomorrow |
| 00:08:17 |
I might. |
| 00:08:19 |
Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek. |
| 00:08:21 |
I know you didn't have to do... |
| 00:08:28 |
MAN: (ON TV)...first used |
| 00:08:32 |
was, for the most part, |
| 00:08:41 |
Hi, I'm Bob: I'm the spokesperson |
| 00:08:44 |
I'm here today to ask you |
| 00:08:46 |
I'm sure it's the drink |
| 00:08:48 |
and if you still enjoy it, well, |
| 00:08:49 |
to buy it again sometime soon. |
| 00:08:52 |
It's basically just brown sugar water. |
| 00:08:53 |
Haven't changed the ingredients much lately, |
| 00:08:55 |
so there's nothing new |
| 00:08:57 |
Changed the can around a little bit, though. |
| 00:08:59 |
You can see the colours are different there, |
| 00:09:00 |
and we've added a polar bear, |
| 00:09:03 |
Coke's very high in sugar, |
| 00:09:05 |
it can lead to obesity in children and adults |
| 00:09:09 |
And that's it. It's Coke. |
| 00:09:12 |
I'm Bob: I work for Coke. |
| 00:09:15 |
That's all. |
| 00:09:17 |
(SLURPING) |
| 00:09:19 |
It's a bit sweet. |
| 00:09:21 |
Thank you. |
| 00:09:33 |
(ELEVATOR DINGS) |
| 00:09:38 |
Hold the elevator. |
| 00:09:41 |
-Hey, Mark. How's it going? |
| 00:09:45 |
I went on a date last night with a girl |
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and she'll most likely never call me again. |
| 00:09:50 |
Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today. |
| 00:09:55 |
Oh, I'm not too great, actually. |
| 00:09:58 |
I've been throwing up pain killers all night |
| 00:10:00 |
because I'm too afraid to take enough |
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(ELEVATOR DINGS) |
| 00:10:08 |
See you tomorrow. |
| 00:10:11 |
If I'm not dead, then sure. |
| 00:10:15 |
-Good. That's settled, then. |
| 00:10:17 |
MARK: Cheers. |
| 00:10:36 |
This isn't natural! |
| 00:10:40 |
Why am I wearing clothes? |
| 00:10:43 |
Why is there all this concrete? |
| 00:10:46 |
I woke up this morning and realised, |
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but also the thought |
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That should make me not love you, |
| 00:10:54 |
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) |
| 00:11:06 |
I just don't want to go in there today. |
| 00:11:12 |
All of Lecture Films' productions are written, |
| 00:11:17 |
In fact, this building is |
| 00:11:21 |
scour the world's past events |
| 00:11:25 |
entertaining and even hilarious moments |
| 00:11:28 |
which are then turned into scripts, |
| 00:11:33 |
to read off of teleprompters |
| 00:11:37 |
Now, if you'll just fol low me over here, |
| 00:11:40 |
of Lecture Films' |
| 00:11:43 |
Napoleon: 1812 to 1813. |
| 00:11:48 |
MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon |
| 00:11:51 |
screenplay by Brad Kessler |
| 00:11:55 |
Napoleon: 1812 to 1813. |
| 00:11:59 |
And so Napoleon invaded Russia |
| 00:12:03 |
with a brute force |
| 00:12:07 |
armed with muskets |
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Crippled by disease and hunger, |
| 00:12:14 |
Napoleon's men persevered. |
| 00:12:17 |
It was then that... |
| 00:12:19 |
Oh, look, everyone. |
| 00:12:20 |
There's Mark Bellison, |
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Mark is one of Lecture Films' |
| 00:12:28 |
I also hear he's most likely |
| 00:12:30 |
(ALL EXCLAIMING) |
| 00:12:32 |
Let's go to the editing bay, where we can |
| 00:12:35 |
on the upcoming Lecture Films feature, |
| 00:12:39 |
(ALL EXCLAIMING) |
| 00:12:50 |
Morning, Shelley. |
| 00:12:52 |
Hi, Mark. |
| 00:12:53 |
I realise more and more every day |
| 00:12:56 |
and how incompetent you are at yours. |
| 00:12:59 |
Any messages? |
| 00:13:00 |
Anthony is coming up with in the hour to see |
| 00:13:04 |
If he can't, he said |
| 00:13:07 |
Anything else? |
| 00:13:10 |
Well, I told everyone |
| 00:13:12 |
and they shouldn't expect |
| 00:13:13 |
so no one left any messages. |
| 00:13:15 |
Okay. Next time... |
| 00:13:16 |
I don't think there'll be a next time. |
| 00:13:18 |
... take the message, |
| 00:13:20 |
You're almost definitely getting fired. |
| 00:13:22 |
Yeah, but I'm still here now, so... |
| 00:13:24 |
Seems like a waste of time. |
| 00:13:25 |
No, it's not. |
| 00:13:27 |
You're getting paid for it, so let's |
| 00:13:30 |
-But everyone knows that you are. |
| 00:13:32 |
Okay. But everyone knows you are. |
| 00:13:37 |
I'll be in the office, don't... |
| 00:13:39 |
Okay. |
| 00:13:42 |
You should probably |
| 00:13:44 |
SHELLEY: No, thank you! |
| 00:14:03 |
Anthony? |
| 00:14:12 |
Come in. What? |
| 00:14:18 |
Come in. |
| 00:14:23 |
Well, you look really depressed today. |
| 00:14:27 |
-Anthony, don't fire me. |
| 00:14:29 |
The 1300s, they're so boring. |
| 00:14:31 |
And the last two scripts |
| 00:14:36 |
They were about the Black Plague. |
| 00:14:37 |
It's the 1300s. |
| 00:14:40 |
It's not totally your fault, Mark. |
| 00:14:43 |
-No, no, I can make it work. |
| 00:14:46 |
Just give it up. |
| 00:14:47 |
Nothing new is gonna |
| 00:14:50 |
At Lecture Films, we just want to take |
| 00:14:54 |
and have them read the stories |
| 00:15:00 |
I'm having... |
| 00:15:02 |
Can I... Do you mind if I... |
| 00:15:04 |
-I come back and do this tomorrow? |
| 00:15:06 |
No, I just got nervous about firing you. |
| 00:15:10 |
Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it. |
| 00:15:13 |
Well, then I'll be thinking, |
| 00:15:16 |
-You're fired. |
| 00:15:19 |
Yeah. Oh, boy. |
| 00:15:23 |
(COMPUTER CHIMES) |
| 00:15:26 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:15:29 |
ANNA: Mark, I woke up this morning, |
| 00:15:31 |
while I did enjoy your company, |
| 00:15:33 |
based on your looks, your financial situation |
| 00:15:36 |
I have no interest in you romantically. |
| 00:15:38 |
I'm just too far out of your league: Anna. |
| 00:15:41 |
(G ROAN IN G) |
| 00:15:42 |
Is that 'cause you just got fired? |
| 00:15:44 |
And 'cause I just got an e-mail |
| 00:15:48 |
Yeah, my favourite part was when she said |
| 00:15:53 |
You read my e-mail? |
| 00:15:54 |
Yeah. Everyone's read it. |
| 00:15:56 |
It's the best one you've had all year. |
| 00:15:58 |
Not for me. |
| 00:16:00 |
I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack? |
| 00:16:14 |
So? |
| 00:16:15 |
I loathed almost every minute |
| 00:16:20 |
So, what are you gonna do now? |
| 00:16:23 |
I don't know. |
| 00:16:24 |
But I don't hold out much hope for the future. |
| 00:16:26 |
I don't have a lot of hope for you either, |
| 00:16:29 |
-Bye, Mark. |
| 00:16:31 |
-Mark! |
| 00:16:32 |
-Do you mind if I talk to you for a second? |
| 00:16:34 |
-I heard the news they were firing you, huh? |
| 00:16:36 |
-That must be hard. |
| 00:16:39 |
Well, I just wanted to say good bye, |
| 00:16:42 |
-You've always... |
| 00:16:44 |
-I didn't know that. |
| 00:16:47 |
-What, you told other people you hated me? |
| 00:16:49 |
I even turned some people against you. |
| 00:16:51 |
Is that why you came over to talk to me? |
| 00:16:53 |
No, I came to say good bye to you, |
| 00:16:56 |
and the rest of it |
| 00:16:57 |
Came out, yeah, sure. |
| 00:16:59 |
I always knew that the Black Plague |
| 00:17:03 |
You're an awful writer, |
| 00:17:06 |
And you're a little man-bitch. |
| 00:17:08 |
(MOUTHING) Man-bitch. |
| 00:17:09 |
But I've always been threatened by you |
| 00:17:13 |
because there's something about you |
| 00:17:16 |
and I hate things that I don't understand. |
| 00:17:18 |
But you'll always be a loser. |
| 00:17:21 |
And I'll always be more successful |
| 00:17:23 |
and that's just the way it is. |
| 00:17:25 |
Oh, and Shelley thinks |
| 00:17:28 |
-No, I never said that. |
| 00:17:30 |
I said, "Fat faggot. |
| 00:17:33 |
"Fatty, fat faggot. " |
| 00:17:35 |
I stand corrected. |
| 00:17:36 |
And I was upset with |
| 00:17:37 |
Doesn't matter. |
| 00:17:39 |
(EXCLAIMS) |
| 00:17:40 |
Mark, try to enjoy your loser life. |
| 00:17:44 |
(EXHALES) |
| 00:17:45 |
SHELLEY: He's awesome. |
| 00:17:46 |
Well, no. |
| 00:17:48 |
Your opinion. Bye, Shelley. |
| 00:17:51 |
I look forward to never seeing you. |
| 00:18:05 |
NURSE: Mrs Johnson, |
| 00:18:13 |
-Hi. |
| 00:18:17 |
I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son. |
| 00:18:20 |
Ooh, it's good you're here. |
| 00:18:22 |
You should say your final good byes today. |
| 00:18:24 |
Yeah. Someone says that to me |
| 00:18:26 |
She's at the top of our death pool. |
| 00:18:37 |
You look like my dead son! |
| 00:18:39 |
Each day is worse than the last. |
| 00:18:42 |
I'm on pills that make everything orange! |
| 00:18:47 |
(STATIC CRACKLING) |
| 00:18:54 |
Oh, Mum, this is so depressing. |
| 00:18:58 |
Telly's broken. |
| 00:19:00 |
It's not broken. |
| 00:19:01 |
You probably sat on the remote |
| 00:19:03 |
Yeah, you have, look. |
| 00:19:05 |
Gotta put it on channel three |
| 00:19:07 |
I don't understand anything you just said. |
| 00:19:10 |
That makes me scared and angry. |
| 00:19:13 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:19:14 |
Lost my job today, Mum. |
| 00:19:15 |
I'm in my 40s, |
| 00:19:19 |
Things aren't much better for me here. |
| 00:19:24 |
We could be homeless. |
| 00:19:26 |
Don't you wish you could change things? |
| 00:19:29 |
Don't you wish you weren't such a loser? |
| 00:19:33 |
Well, I don't think I'm a loser. |
| 00:19:35 |
You are, Mum. Definitely. |
| 00:19:36 |
We come from a long line of losers. |
| 00:19:39 |
You're a... |
| 00:19:41 |
A loser. |
| 00:19:43 |
I love you, Mark. |
| 00:19:45 |
I love you, too, Mum. |
| 00:19:47 |
Good luck with finding a job, eh? |
| 00:19:50 |
I'll go. |
| 00:19:51 |
(INHALES DEEPLY) |
| 00:19:53 |
(STATIC CRACKLING) |
| 00:19:54 |
Oops. |
| 00:19:56 |
(ALARM BEEPING) |
| 00:19:58 |
MARK: Shut up! |
| 00:19:59 |
Haven't even got a job. |
| 00:20:03 |
(PO U N D IN G ON DOOR) |
| 00:20:05 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:20:11 |
-Hi. |
| 00:20:13 |
Yeah, I was gonna come |
| 00:20:15 |
I know. That's why I'm here for the rent. |
| 00:20:19 |
-Yeah, I haven't got it. |
| 00:20:21 |
I got about $300 left in my ban k account. |
| 00:20:23 |
-The rent's 800. |
| 00:20:26 |
Then you're evicted. |
| 00:20:31 |
Well, how am I gonna do that? |
| 00:20:32 |
You got $300. Rent a truck. |
| 00:20:41 |
What can I do for you today, sir? |
| 00:20:43 |
Just been evicted from my apartment. |
| 00:20:45 |
So I have to withdraw whatever I've got |
| 00:20:49 |
Think I have to close my account. |
| 00:20:52 |
Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison. |
| 00:20:55 |
Unfortunately, sir, |
| 00:20:57 |
so I'm not gonna be able to perform |
| 00:21:01 |
But I can help you with a withdrawal. |
| 00:21:04 |
-All of it. Whatever's left. |
| 00:21:07 |
Can you tell me |
| 00:21:12 |
Sir? |
| 00:21:16 |
MARK: $800. |
| 00:21:23 |
Sir? |
| 00:21:25 |
-$800. |
| 00:21:27 |
I have $800 in my account. |
| 00:21:29 |
(COMPUTER CHIMES) |
| 00:21:30 |
Oh! The system just came back up. |
| 00:21:33 |
-System seems to be back up, guys. |
| 00:21:35 |
Just a second while I access your account. |
| 00:21:39 |
Wait a second. |
| 00:21:41 |
It says here that you only have |
| 00:21:44 |
but you said you wanted to withdraw 800? |
| 00:21:47 |
Yeah. |
| 00:21:48 |
I apologise, sir. |
| 00:21:49 |
It seems our system has made a mistake. |
| 00:21:52 |
Did you want large bills or small? |
| 00:21:55 |
-B ills, large. |
| 00:21:58 |
That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800. |
| 00:22:03 |
Is there anything else |
| 00:22:05 |
Uh-u h! |
| 00:22:06 |
Sorry for the inconvenience. |
| 00:22:08 |
(MUMBLES) |
| 00:22:40 |
-What are you doing here? |
| 00:22:56 |
Come on! |
| 00:22:58 |
(EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY) |
| 00:23:00 |
MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something |
| 00:23:06 |
What I've done, they'll write about |
| 00:23:09 |
And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable, |
| 00:23:15 |
It's hard to describe. |
| 00:23:17 |
And it was as easy as... |
| 00:23:21 |
I said something that wasn't. |
| 00:23:26 |
Huh? |
| 00:23:27 |
I said something that wasn't. I... |
| 00:23:32 |
What's the word for it? |
| 00:23:34 |
Of course there isn't. I invented it. |
| 00:23:38 |
Watch this. Jim! |
| 00:23:43 |
What? |
| 00:23:46 |
My name is Doug. |
| 00:23:50 |
-Your name is Doug? |
| 00:23:53 |
That's so weird I never knew your real name. |
| 00:23:59 |
Come on! |
| 00:24:01 |
What's my name? |
| 00:24:02 |
-It's Doug. |
| 00:24:03 |
No, it's not! It's Mark! |
| 00:24:06 |
-Your name is Mark? |
| 00:24:08 |
-Mark suits you even better. |
| 00:24:12 |
Okay, you're not getting it. |
| 00:24:14 |
Marko. |
| 00:24:17 |
-I'm black. |
| 00:24:19 |
You're very light-skinned, but I can see it. |
| 00:24:21 |
-I always wanted a black friend. |
| 00:24:24 |
I'm an Eskimo. |
| 00:24:25 |
Fantastic! |
| 00:24:26 |
Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo. |
| 00:24:28 |
I'm a pi rate. |
| 00:24:29 |
-I didn't know they still had those. |
| 00:24:32 |
I'm a l ion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig. |
| 00:24:34 |
Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day? |
| 00:24:36 |
That's a fantastic wig. |
| 00:24:37 |
-I invented the bicycle. |
| 00:24:39 |
Can I get a discount on a ten-speed? |
| 00:24:41 |
I'm a one-armed German space explorer. |
| 00:24:44 |
When's your launch date? |
| 00:24:45 |
(JIM GREETS IN GERMAN) |
| 00:24:47 |
That's a very lifelike prosthetic. |
| 00:24:49 |
This is incredible. |
| 00:24:50 |
Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit. |
| 00:24:53 |
If you could make the world |
| 00:24:59 |
what would you do? |
| 00:25:00 |
If you could change anything, |
| 00:25:05 |
what's the first thing you'd do? |
| 00:25:07 |
If I could do anything? |
| 00:25:08 |
Anything at all? |
| 00:25:10 |
Anything at all. |
| 00:25:14 |
I would touch girls' boobs. |
| 00:25:17 |
Yes. |
| 00:25:20 |
And maybe have sex with them, too. |
| 00:25:22 |
Oh, agreed. That, too. |
| 00:25:26 |
Okay. Let's try that. |
| 00:25:31 |
-Where are you going? |
| 00:25:51 |
Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you. |
| 00:25:52 |
-No, listen. |
| 00:25:55 |
The world's gonna end |
| 00:26:01 |
Do we have time to get to a motel, |
| 00:26:09 |
Motel. |
| 00:26:14 |
WOMAN: Help me get my dress off. |
| 00:26:15 |
Hold on, wait, wait. |
| 00:26:17 |
No! We have to have sex. |
| 00:26:19 |
I don't even know your... |
| 00:26:21 |
Think of the children! |
| 00:26:22 |
Let's have a drink. |
| 00:26:25 |
-$10 for a beer. That is... |
| 00:26:28 |
-We are all going to die! |
| 00:26:30 |
Well, of course this isn't right, |
| 00:26:32 |
We have to have sex right now! |
| 00:26:33 |
Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me. |
| 00:26:37 |
(EXCLAIMS QUESTIONINGLY) |
| 00:26:38 |
I'll let her know. That is good news. |
| 00:26:41 |
-Now. |
| 00:26:43 |
World's not gonna end. We don't have to... |
| 00:26:44 |
-(GAS PS) We're gonna live! |
| 00:26:47 |
We're gonna live! |
| 00:26:49 |
Thank you! Oh, thank you! |
| 00:26:55 |
-I've gotta go. |
| 00:26:57 |
We've been through so much together. |
| 00:27:00 |
(DOOR CLOSES) |
| 00:27:08 |
Well, that was one of |
| 00:27:12 |
Did you invent a new kind of bike? |
| 00:27:15 |
What else would you do? |
| 00:27:19 |
-Boob. |
| 00:27:22 |
What's the next thing you'd do? |
| 00:27:26 |
-Eh? |
| 00:27:31 |
I'd get money. |
| 00:27:35 |
I'd get all the money. |
| 00:27:38 |
Come on. |
| 00:27:40 |
-Where are we going? |
| 00:27:42 |
I'll drive. |
| 00:27:47 |
I shouldn't be d riving. |
| 00:27:49 |
But I don't care. I'm trying to h it bottom. |
| 00:27:51 |
(SIREN WAILING) |
| 00:27:54 |
H ere comes bottom. Pull over. |
| 00:27:57 |
Just stop. |
| 00:28:02 |
All right, do me a favour. |
| 00:28:05 |
GREG: I think I'm gonna puke. |
| 00:28:07 |
MARK: Do not puke |
| 00:28:08 |
GREG: Don't tell me not to puke |
| 00:28:12 |
Hello, Officer. How are you? |
| 00:28:15 |
Well, I'm relieved |
| 00:28:19 |
There's a much higher probability |
| 00:28:21 |
shoot you without provocation, |
| 00:28:24 |
That's good. |
| 00:28:25 |
-I don't want to go to jail. |
| 00:28:28 |
Have you been drinking |
| 00:28:30 |
-Yeah, a lot of drink. |
| 00:28:33 |
I'm gonna need you |
| 00:28:34 |
Officer, you don't need to do that. |
| 00:28:36 |
I'm gonna say that, |
| 00:28:38 |
you can't afford my bribe. |
| 00:28:39 |
Why? How much do you charge? |
| 00:28:41 |
5,400. |
| 00:28:43 |
That's a lot. |
| 00:28:44 |
That's too much, I think. Why so high? |
| 00:28:46 |
I have an expensive cocaine habit. |
| 00:28:49 |
But, you know, it's more than that. |
| 00:28:51 |
I feel like when I set the price up higher, |
| 00:28:56 |
and helps me preserve |
| 00:28:58 |
Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah. |
| 00:29:00 |
Well, it was nice chatting with you. |
| 00:29:02 |
Anywho, I'm still gonna need you |
| 00:29:05 |
You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there. |
| 00:29:10 |
(SNORING) |
| 00:29:15 |
(BEEPING) |
| 00:29:17 |
Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart. |
| 00:29:20 |
-You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle. |
| 00:29:23 |
Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle |
| 00:29:26 |
-Might as well. |
| 00:29:27 |
All right! That's it! Get out of the car! |
| 00:29:33 |
-You should be ashamed of yourself! |
| 00:29:35 |
I'm gonna think about this later. |
| 00:29:36 |
-Officer. Listen, no, no, no! |
| 00:29:39 |
Listen to what I've got to say. |
| 00:29:42 |
He's not drunk. |
| 00:29:46 |
I've made a terrible mistake. |
| 00:29:48 |
I do this sometimes. I get a little... |
| 00:29:51 |
It's the adrenaline. |
| 00:29:52 |
Well, actually, it arouses me. |
| 00:29:55 |
Sexually? |
| 00:29:57 |
-Oh, that... |
| 00:29:59 |
Please. Please let me help you. |
| 00:30:01 |
Can you forgive me? Did you eat something? |
| 00:30:05 |
-You'll drive? |
| 00:30:08 |
Sorry. |
| 00:30:10 |
(LAUGHING) |
| 00:30:11 |
That was awesome. |
| 00:30:13 |
-Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick. |
| 00:30:15 |
Oh, good. |
| 00:30:17 |
-Where are we going? |
| 00:30:19 |
(VOMITING) |
| 00:30:32 |
What are we doing here? |
| 00:30:34 |
We're not gonna throw it away. |
| 00:30:36 |
-Good luck. |
| 00:30:39 |
-Hi. |
| 00:30:40 |
Chips, please. |
| 00:30:42 |
There's a very good chance |
| 00:30:44 |
-I know. |
| 00:30:46 |
there's an even better chance that, |
| 00:30:49 |
-I know. |
| 00:30:51 |
-like the ones that use computers. |
| 00:30:53 |
-Good luck. |
| 00:31:02 |
-Hi, guys. |
| 00:31:03 |
If I could be a stripper, I would, |
| 00:31:07 |
We'll have two beers, and we'll take them |
| 00:31:11 |
-Cheers. |
| 00:31:12 |
roulette's the stupidest game of all. |
| 00:31:15 |
It's all right, I'm feeling lucky. |
| 00:31:17 |
-You've never had a lucky day in your life. |
| 00:31:19 |
CROUPIER: Get your bets in. |
| 00:31:22 |
The house always wins in the long run. |
| 00:31:25 |
Because of the zeroes on the board, |
| 00:31:27 |
every bet is slightly favoured |
| 00:31:32 |
35 black. No one wins. |
| 00:31:34 |
Look at that u n usual thing, I've never... |
| 00:31:38 |
It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way. |
| 00:31:45 |
We have a winner. |
| 00:31:47 |
MAN: Good job! |
| 00:31:49 |
CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir. |
| 00:31:50 |
I just won the major jackpot on that machine, |
| 00:31:54 |
Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir. |
| 00:31:56 |
Let me get that fixed for you. |
| 00:32:00 |
Thank you. |
| 00:32:02 |
We've got a major winner here. |
| 00:32:08 |
This is the most amazing night |
| 00:32:11 |
Think how amazing it would be |
| 00:32:13 |
I know. |
| 00:32:22 |
(ELEVATOR DINGS) |
| 00:32:26 |
Mark, how's it going? |
| 00:32:29 |
Good. |
| 00:32:32 |
Oh. |
| 00:32:33 |
How's it going with you? |
| 00:32:35 |
Pretty awful. |
| 00:32:37 |
I was up last night |
| 00:32:40 |
like, suffocation suicide. |
| 00:32:44 |
I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight. |
| 00:32:48 |
Later. |
| 00:32:51 |
Frank. |
| 00:32:55 |
Yeah? |
| 00:32:56 |
Don't do that. |
| 00:33:00 |
Why? I mean... |
| 00:33:02 |
You know, I'm miserable. |
| 00:33:05 |
I'll care. |
| 00:33:07 |
But you're a loser, |
| 00:33:09 |
Things are gonna be okay. |
| 00:33:13 |
They are? |
| 00:33:14 |
Yeah. You're gonna meet someone. |
| 00:33:16 |
You're gonna be happy. |
| 00:33:23 |
I shouldn't kill myself? |
| 00:33:24 |
Definitely not. |
| 00:33:29 |
Okay, so I don't need to kill myself. |
| 00:33:33 |
Wow! I thought... |
| 00:33:35 |
I thought that like... That suffocation idea, |
| 00:33:39 |
I thought that was like |
| 00:33:41 |
It wasn't. |
| 00:33:42 |
Wow! |
| 00:33:46 |
My night's opened up. |
| 00:33:49 |
Do you wanna hang out or something? |
| 00:33:51 |
Oh, not really. |
| 00:33:53 |
It's all right. It's okay. |
| 00:33:55 |
No! Good idea. |
| 00:33:59 |
Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight. |
| 00:34:02 |
I'll see you tonight. |
| 00:34:05 |
F RAN K: Cool, okay. |
| 00:34:07 |
(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 00:34:20 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:34:35 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:35:00 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:35:10 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:35:32 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:35:48 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:36:00 |
(PHONE RINGING) |
| 00:36:04 |
Hello, this is Anna. |
| 00:36:05 |
Hi, it's Mark. |
| 00:36:06 |
Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail? |
| 00:36:09 |
The one about not being |
| 00:36:11 |
That's the one. |
| 00:36:12 |
Yeah, got that, cheers. |
| 00:36:14 |
Listen, the reason I'm calling is |
| 00:36:20 |
Why would you do that? |
| 00:36:21 |
Well, I found out I can pretty much |
| 00:36:26 |
Congratulations! I gotta go. |
| 00:36:28 |
No, wait. |
| 00:36:29 |
Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go |
| 00:36:33 |
but I'm different now. |
| 00:36:38 |
Are you better looking? |
| 00:36:39 |
No. More powerful. |
| 00:36:43 |
Have you been to the gym? |
| 00:36:44 |
No. I joined a gym, but just... |
| 00:36:50 |
I think you'll hardly recognise me. |
| 00:36:51 |
Did you buy new clothes? |
| 00:36:52 |
No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best. |
| 00:36:55 |
You did admit yourself that, |
| 00:36:59 |
If you had an okay time, then please say yes. |
| 00:37:04 |
I'm just asking for |
| 00:37:10 |
Okay, fine. |
| 00:37:12 |
Fantastic. |
| 00:37:15 |
I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00? |
| 00:37:18 |
Most likely, though, this will be our last date, |
| 00:37:22 |
Yeah. Great. |
| 00:37:24 |
Okay. Bye! |
| 00:37:26 |
Bye! |
| 00:37:27 |
Hang up, Mark. |
| 00:37:29 |
Bye. |
| 00:37:35 |
MALE NARRATOR.....proudly presents |
| 00:37:38 |
Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith. |
| 00:37:41 |
Come, watch me read |
| 00:37:44 |
that took place during |
| 00:37:47 |
written by the most beloved and esteemed |
| 00:37:52 |
Brad Kessler. |
| 00:37:54 |
I don't think anyone can write |
| 00:38:03 |
No? |
| 00:38:29 |
BRAD: Hey! |
| 00:38:30 |
Did you come to beg for your job back? |
| 00:38:33 |
Everybody!! |
| 00:38:34 |
That's the loser that thought |
| 00:38:36 |
would make an interesting film. |
| 00:38:37 |
Hey! Good luck, douche bag. |
| 00:38:42 |
-You can't go in there. |
| 00:38:44 |
Oh, then go right in. |
| 00:38:47 |
Talk to you later. |
| 00:38:50 |
Hi. That was the head of the studio. |
| 00:38:56 |
Why are you here? |
| 00:38:58 |
Well, when you fired me, |
| 00:39:04 |
-I knew it. |
| 00:39:06 |
I went for a walk, right out of town. |
| 00:39:09 |
And I came across a desert, |
| 00:39:14 |
I don't do well |
| 00:39:17 |
And then when I woke up, |
| 00:39:22 |
And I unearthed it, |
| 00:39:26 |
Really old. Seven hundred years old. |
| 00:39:29 |
And in that chest was this. |
| 00:39:33 |
What is it? |
| 00:39:34 |
It's a never-before-heard event from history. |
| 00:39:38 |
When does it take place? |
| 00:39:40 |
1300s. |
| 00:39:41 |
Oh, come on, no, Mark! |
| 00:39:43 |
Mark, I've already told you, |
| 00:39:47 |
It's not about the Black Plague! |
| 00:39:51 |
It's about... Can I just read it, please? |
| 00:39:54 |
Get excited. Don't tap, get excited. |
| 00:39:57 |
Get very excited, |
| 00:39:58 |
because this is one of the best discoveries |
| 00:40:05 |
man has ever discovered. |
| 00:40:08 |
And you can be part of it. |
| 00:40:10 |
Yes, but is there a movie there? |
| 00:40:12 |
The greatest movie |
| 00:40:18 |
Start reading. |
| 00:40:22 |
"On the very first day of the 14th century, |
| 00:40:27 |
"It began like any other day. |
| 00:40:33 |
"But all of that was interrupted |
| 00:40:37 |
"crashed down from the skies |
| 00:40:42 |
What? |
| 00:40:47 |
Uh... Get everyone in here, right now. |
| 00:40:50 |
Oh, please, Mark, continue. |
| 00:40:56 |
MARK: "The ninja army |
| 00:40:59 |
"and brought the robot dinosaur |
| 00:41:04 |
"and the nude Amazonian alien women, |
| 00:41:08 |
"The Earth was saved. |
| 00:41:10 |
"Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry |
| 00:41:14 |
"It was to be the first h u man |
| 00:41:18 |
"and no expense would be spared. |
| 00:41:20 |
"All of Babylon and Mars were invited |
| 00:41:24 |
"The wedding was held |
| 00:41:27 |
"And all of the survivors |
| 00:41:29 |
"and the Black Plague were present. |
| 00:41:30 |
"They feasted and danced and laughed, |
| 00:41:35 |
"The moment the bride and g room kissed, |
| 00:41:37 |
"King Wanglor performed |
| 00:41:40 |
"thereby erasing all knowledge |
| 00:41:44 |
"until one day, |
| 00:41:48 |
"would stumble across them in the desert |
| 00:41:55 |
"and mocked by Brad and Shelley, |
| 00:42:01 |
"Lecture Films would go on to make |
| 00:42:06 |
"And Mark would become very wealthy |
| 00:42:22 |
What are you gonna call this, Mark? |
| 00:42:27 |
The Black Plague. |
| 00:42:28 |
(ALL EXCLAIMING) |
| 00:42:31 |
I want you to start immediately |
| 00:42:34 |
the best screen play ever written. |
| 00:42:36 |
Oh, it will. |
| 00:42:38 |
It will be the best screen play |
| 00:42:52 |
Well... |
| 00:42:55 |
I guess congratulations |
| 00:42:57 |
-Cheers. |
| 00:43:01 |
Tell me something about your family. |
| 00:43:05 |
(MARK EXHALES) |
| 00:43:06 |
We're sort of what you'd call u n lucky. |
| 00:43:09 |
My dad was an alcoholic. |
| 00:43:10 |
Sad. |
| 00:43:12 |
Drinking got to a point where he lost his job, |
| 00:43:16 |
he had no choice |
| 00:43:18 |
What kind of crime? |
| 00:43:20 |
Burglary. Houses, mainly. |
| 00:43:30 |
What are you doing here? |
| 00:43:31 |
It's Monday at noon. |
| 00:43:33 |
If you must know, |
| 00:43:35 |
I've come home early. |
| 00:43:37 |
More importantly, what are you doing? |
| 00:43:39 |
Well, I was gonna rob your house. |
| 00:43:41 |
I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all. |
| 00:43:42 |
Well, I'm not gonna do it now |
| 00:43:44 |
And do you know what's gonna happen? |
| 00:43:45 |
I'm gonna call the police, |
| 00:43:47 |
Well, I'm just gonna leave, |
| 00:43:48 |
-What is your name? |
| 00:43:50 |
(LAUGHING) Good to meet you. |
| 00:43:51 |
You've got two options. Option one, |
| 00:43:54 |
Arrest you there, |
| 00:43:57 |
Or option two, you just come in |
| 00:43:59 |
-No, I'll wait. |
| 00:44:02 |
-Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea? |
| 00:44:04 |
MARK: He spent the last years |
| 00:44:07 |
I never really knew him. |
| 00:44:08 |
But I've been blessed |
| 00:44:13 |
I had a wonderful mother who raised me. |
| 00:44:15 |
-Oh, that's sweet. |
| 00:44:17 |
Where is she? |
| 00:44:19 |
At an old people's home. |
| 00:44:21 |
But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow. |
| 00:44:26 |
I'm gonna get her a mansion, |
| 00:44:27 |
so she can spend |
| 00:44:29 |
That's nice. |
| 00:44:32 |
-Compliments from the chef. |
| 00:44:34 |
I don't know what's wrong with him today, |
| 00:44:36 |
They look fine to me. |
| 00:44:37 |
Well, you're stupid. |
| 00:44:45 |
I was thinking. |
| 00:44:47 |
Now I'm obviously rich and successful and... |
| 00:44:51 |
Maybe I'm in your league |
| 00:44:59 |
What would be the point? |
| 00:45:03 |
We might enjoy it. |
| 00:45:07 |
Well, I do like you |
| 00:45:11 |
And if we were to get together and procreate, |
| 00:45:13 |
I would like the offspring |
| 00:45:17 |
to be well taken care of, financially stable. |
| 00:45:20 |
I also think you'd make a good father |
| 00:45:24 |
Fantastic. |
| 00:45:27 |
Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact |
| 00:45:29 |
that you'd still be contributing |
| 00:45:36 |
I don't want little fat kids with snub noses. |
| 00:45:41 |
Sure. |
| 00:45:44 |
(CELLPHONE RINGING) |
| 00:45:46 |
Sorry. |
| 00:45:48 |
Hello? S peaking. |
| 00:45:52 |
She what? |
| 00:45:55 |
Mum? |
| 00:45:57 |
They just called me. What's going on? |
| 00:46:00 |
They said I'm probably gonna die tonight. |
| 00:46:03 |
What? |
| 00:46:05 |
Hello, there. |
| 00:46:07 |
You must be Martha's son. |
| 00:46:08 |
What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight? |
| 00:46:10 |
It does not look very good. |
| 00:46:13 |
Her heart is very weak. |
| 00:46:16 |
Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly, |
| 00:46:19 |
and she will probably suffer |
| 00:46:24 |
Yes. Still going to die. |
| 00:46:30 |
Side note, |
| 00:46:32 |
it's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria, |
| 00:46:36 |
so you might wanna grab yourself |
| 00:46:40 |
Okay? |
| 00:46:47 |
I'm so scared, Mark. |
| 00:46:50 |
People don't talk about it, |
| 00:46:56 |
One minute, you're alive, |
| 00:47:00 |
and then just like that, it's all gone. |
| 00:47:05 |
This is it, Mark. |
| 00:47:08 |
Few more hours like this and then |
| 00:47:15 |
an eternity of nothingness. |
| 00:47:21 |
(GASPS) |
| 00:47:22 |
(MONITOR BEEPING) |
| 00:47:23 |
Nurse! |
| 00:47:29 |
Her vitals are dropping. |
| 00:47:32 |
I'm so... I'm so frightened. |
| 00:47:37 |
Oh, Mum. |
| 00:47:46 |
Mum, listen to me. |
| 00:47:49 |
Listen carefully. |
| 00:47:51 |
You're wrong about |
| 00:47:57 |
It's not an eternity of nothingness. |
| 00:47:59 |
Huh? |
| 00:48:01 |
You go to your favourite place |
| 00:48:05 |
Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved |
| 00:48:11 |
And you'll be young again. |
| 00:48:12 |
You'll run and jump |
| 00:48:16 |
You used to dance. |
| 00:48:21 |
There's no pain. |
| 00:48:28 |
Just love. |
| 00:48:33 |
Happiness. |
| 00:48:35 |
And everyone gets a mansion. |
| 00:48:39 |
And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. |
| 00:48:48 |
Say hello to Dad for me. |
| 00:48:51 |
Tell him I love him. |
| 00:49:00 |
-Go on. |
| 00:49:03 |
Mum. |
| 00:49:05 |
I'm gonna see my mother again when I die. |
| 00:49:08 |
Will you tell us more, please? |
| 00:49:10 |
(MO N ITO R BEEPING) |
| 00:49:12 |
(MONITOR FLAT-LINING) |
| 00:49:14 |
(SOBS) |
| 00:50:43 |
Hi. |
| 00:50:45 |
Hi. |
| 00:51:30 |
(CROWD CHATTERING) |
| 00:51:44 |
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. |
| 00:51:50 |
There he is! That's him! |
| 00:51:51 |
(CROWD CLAMOURING) |
| 00:51:54 |
Is there only one place you go when you die? |
| 00:51:56 |
Will everyone who has ever died be there? |
| 00:51:58 |
What's this place called? |
| 00:51:59 |
Will I get to have sex with people there? |
| 00:52:01 |
Are there shopping malls? |
| 00:52:02 |
What about smoking? |
| 00:52:04 |
(PHONE RINGING) |
| 00:52:06 |
Hi. |
| 00:52:08 |
They're saying you know something different |
| 00:52:13 |
Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison |
| 00:52:17 |
Today, people are saying |
| 00:52:20 |
about what happens after you die. |
| 00:52:23 |
Oh, this is bad. |
| 00:52:25 |
I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. |
| 00:52:28 |
Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me. |
| 00:52:31 |
(CHUCKLES) |
| 00:52:32 |
Quick. |
| 00:52:34 |
Come in. |
| 00:52:36 |
Yeah. |
| 00:52:40 |
Just tell me what you told your mom. |
| 00:52:42 |
I don't think I should. Anything can happen. |
| 00:52:44 |
I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on. |
| 00:52:47 |
Whatever you said |
| 00:52:50 |
I mean, I don't think you have |
| 00:52:52 |
Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now. |
| 00:52:54 |
I could get on the first plane to Namibia. |
| 00:52:57 |
Just tell me what you said, Mark. |
| 00:53:00 |
My mum was dying, she was scared, |
| 00:53:04 |
and she said she didn't want to |
| 00:53:08 |
So I said, "You're wrong about what happens |
| 00:53:12 |
And I told her, I said, |
| 00:53:15 |
"It's not a world of nothingness. |
| 00:53:17 |
"You go to the best place ever, |
| 00:53:22 |
"and you have an eternity of joy. " |
| 00:53:25 |
I made her happy. |
| 00:53:32 |
How do you know these things? |
| 00:53:34 |
Well, I... |
| 00:53:37 |
Oh, that makes me happy. |
| 00:53:40 |
You have to tell them everything you know. |
| 00:53:43 |
Listen to me, you don't understand. |
| 00:53:46 |
Didn't you say that it made her happy |
| 00:53:48 |
-Yes. |
| 00:53:50 |
-Good. |
| 00:53:52 |
to do the same for all of these people. |
| 00:54:01 |
Uh, okay. |
| 00:54:04 |
I need some time. |
| 00:54:09 |
You sure I should do this? |
| 00:54:12 |
Of course you should. |
| 00:54:13 |
Mark, what you know |
| 00:54:19 |
It's the most important thing |
| 00:54:25 |
I'll let you work. |
| 00:54:39 |
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) |
| 00:54:41 |
MARK: Come in. |
| 00:54:44 |
I brought pizza. |
| 00:54:47 |
How come you never told me |
| 00:54:49 |
-Uh, I didn't... |
| 00:54:50 |
It's one thing that you invented |
| 00:54:52 |
Just keep working, don't worry about... |
| 00:54:55 |
I've known him for a long time, |
| 00:54:59 |
-I got plain, and I got... |
| 00:55:03 |
I got another plain. |
| 00:55:09 |
MALE REPORTER: In London, England, |
| 00:55:11 |
In Rome, Italy, they wait. |
| 00:55:16 |
The world has come to a standstill, |
| 00:55:18 |
with everyone |
| 00:55:21 |
or here on this lawn, |
| 00:55:23 |
waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth |
| 00:55:43 |
Oh! |
| 00:55:46 |
Hi. |
| 00:55:50 |
I've finished. |
| 00:55:54 |
Are you ready? |
| 00:55:56 |
-I guess so. |
| 00:55:58 |
I wish I had something better |
| 00:56:02 |
Or just even better paper. |
| 00:56:10 |
-That feels better. |
| 00:56:12 |
SHELLEY: Just... |
| 00:56:14 |
Just tell them what you know. |
| 00:56:16 |
-GREG: Good luck out there, man. |
| 00:56:30 |
REPORTER: Twenty four hours ago, |
| 00:56:31 |
Mark Bellison was just |
| 00:56:34 |
Today, people are saying |
| 00:56:37 |
about what happens after you die. |
| 00:56:56 |
ANNA: Sorry. |
| 00:57:00 |
I guess |
| 00:57:03 |
you heard about the stuff |
| 00:57:07 |
That's why you're here. |
| 00:57:10 |
I know some things, |
| 00:57:12 |
about what happens to you after you die. |
| 00:57:16 |
Everything you need to know |
| 00:57:19 |
is written on these pizza boxes. |
| 00:57:31 |
"Number one, |
| 00:57:33 |
"there is a man in the sky |
| 00:57:38 |
-"Number two... " |
| 00:57:41 |
What does he look like? |
| 00:57:42 |
Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff. |
| 00:57:47 |
What ethnicity is he? |
| 00:57:48 |
Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity. |
| 00:57:52 |
He's a mixture of all our ethnicities. |
| 00:57:55 |
-Does he live in the clouds? |
| 00:57:56 |
-Can we see him? |
| 00:57:58 |
He lives higher than the clouds, |
| 00:58:00 |
-So he lives in space. |
| 00:58:03 |
So then the thermosphere? |
| 00:58:04 |
MARK: Sorry, people. I've got a lot |
| 00:58:08 |
Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. |
| 00:58:13 |
Good. "Number two, |
| 00:58:15 |
"when you die, you don't disappear |
| 00:58:19 |
"Instead, you go to a really great place. " |
| 00:58:22 |
(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) |
| 00:58:23 |
MARK: "Number three, |
| 00:58:25 |
"in that place, everyone will get a mansion. " |
| 00:58:28 |
(CROWD LAUGHING) |
| 00:58:30 |
(CROWD APPLAUDING) |
| 00:58:34 |
-What kind of mansion? |
| 00:58:38 |
Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion! |
| 00:58:40 |
Well, no. |
| 00:58:41 |
It's the best mansion you could ever think of. |
| 00:58:44 |
Not the one you're thinking of |
| 00:58:47 |
Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, |
| 00:58:51 |
(CLEARING THROAT) "Number four, |
| 00:58:53 |
"when you die, |
| 00:58:56 |
Will they have their own mansions? |
| 00:58:58 |
Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion. |
| 00:59:00 |
What if I want them to live in my mansion? |
| 00:59:01 |
Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion. |
| 00:59:05 |
-What happens to their mansion? |
| 00:59:08 |
Can we... "Number five, |
| 00:59:10 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:59:12 |
"when you die, there will be free ice cream |
| 00:59:16 |
"All day and all night, |
| 00:59:21 |
-Even bad flavours? |
| 00:59:23 |
You just said every flavour I could think of. |
| 00:59:25 |
Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks. |
| 00:59:28 |
Well, don't eat that, then. |
| 00:59:30 |
I just thought |
| 00:59:32 |
Don't put that on the ice cream, then! |
| 00:59:35 |
Can we... Please. "Number six, |
| 00:59:38 |
"if you do bad things, you won't get to go |
| 00:59:42 |
Where will you go? |
| 00:59:44 |
A terrible place, the worst place imaginable. |
| 00:59:47 |
What constitutes a bad thing? |
| 00:59:49 |
Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that. |
| 00:59:52 |
-Is punching someone bad? |
| 00:59:54 |
-What if they're trying to hurt you? |
| 00:59:56 |
-Is cursing bad? |
| 00:59:58 |
-What about being late for work? |
| 01:00:00 |
I mean, you might lose your job |
| 01:00:04 |
but it won't affect what happens |
| 01:00:06 |
What about if you forget to feed your dog? |
| 01:00:10 |
MARK: Well, then, if you forget, |
| 01:00:12 |
If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not... |
| 01:00:16 |
Don't buy a dog just to starve it |
| 01:00:20 |
If I do just one bad thing, |
| 01:00:23 |
No! |
| 01:00:26 |
You get three chances. |
| 01:00:29 |
Three bad things and you're out. |
| 01:00:31 |
Like baseball! |
| 01:00:32 |
(CROWD EXCLAIMS) |
| 01:00:34 |
Sort of. So, anything else? |
| 01:00:37 |
ALL: Yeah! |
| 01:00:38 |
-Oh, please, can we just move on? |
| 01:00:41 |
We have to know everything that's bad. |
| 01:00:43 |
CROWD: Yeah. |
| 01:00:44 |
(ALL CLAMOURING) |
| 01:00:47 |
Fine. |
| 01:00:48 |
Is it bad to wear pants? |
| 01:00:49 |
Oh. What the... |
| 01:00:53 |
No. There is no hairstyle |
| 01:00:59 |
We've been through this. |
| 01:01:00 |
The main ones are things like hurting people |
| 01:01:05 |
Taking their stuff, doing things |
| 01:01:10 |
murdering people on purpose. |
| 01:01:13 |
Okay. "Number nine, |
| 01:01:15 |
"the man in the sky who controls everything |
| 01:01:18 |
"decides if you go to the good place |
| 01:01:21 |
"He also decides who lives and who dies. " |
| 01:01:23 |
-Does he cause natural disasters? |
| 01:01:26 |
-Did he cause my mom to get cancer? |
| 01:01:29 |
Did he cause that tree to land |
| 01:01:32 |
-Yeah. |
| 01:01:38 |
Yeah. |
| 01:01:39 |
(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) |
| 01:01:44 |
I say fuck the man that lives in the sky! |
| 01:01:46 |
(CROWD CHEERING) |
| 01:01:50 |
Yeah, that guy's evil! |
| 01:01:51 |
That guy's a coward, hiding up there |
| 01:01:54 |
Why doesn't he do it to our faces? |
| 01:01:55 |
We have to stop that evil bastard |
| 01:01:58 |
(CROWD CHEERING) |
| 01:02:02 |
MARK: Wait, wait, listen. |
| 01:02:05 |
The man who lives in the sky |
| 01:02:10 |
is also responsible for |
| 01:02:13 |
(CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) |
| 01:02:14 |
He's the guy that saved my life |
| 01:02:18 |
-Yes. |
| 01:02:20 |
Yeah. |
| 01:02:22 |
He killed my grand mother |
| 01:02:24 |
You bet yeah. |
| 01:02:26 |
So, he's the one |
| 01:02:30 |
Yeah. |
| 01:02:31 |
So, he's kind of a good guy, |
| 01:02:35 |
Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay? |
| 01:02:38 |
"Number ten, even if the man in the sky |
| 01:02:42 |
"he makes up for it by giving you |
| 01:02:47 |
(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN SATISFACTION) |
| 01:02:49 |
As long as you don't do any of that |
| 01:02:52 |
-Yeah, of course. |
| 01:02:56 |
Yeah. |
| 01:02:57 |
Well, that's everything I know. |
| 01:02:59 |
(CROWD APPLAUDING) |
| 01:03:07 |
How do you know all these things? |
| 01:03:10 |
Because the man in the sky told me. |
| 01:03:12 |
Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out |
| 01:03:14 |
millions of years into our existence? |
| 01:03:17 |
(SOFTLY) I don't know. He forgot. |
| 01:03:21 |
Thank you. |
| 01:03:22 |
(CROWD CLAMOURING) |
| 01:03:29 |
Think that went well. |
| 01:03:33 |
(CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 01:03:59 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 01:04:23 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 01:04:53 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 01:05:00 |
Cheers, cheers. |
| 01:05:03 |
(CROWD CLAMOURING) |
| 01:05:11 |
(FANS CHEERING) |
| 01:05:33 |
-Cheers. |
| 01:05:46 |
Did I ever tell you about the time |
| 01:05:51 |
and there was a bear, and... |
| 01:05:54 |
Wait, there was a burning building |
| 01:05:56 |
Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying |
| 01:06:02 |
not caring about my own safety, |
| 01:06:06 |
It was the second storey, jumped out. |
| 01:06:07 |
(MIMICS THUD) |
| 01:06:09 |
I landed, baby safe. But then this bear... |
| 01:06:11 |
-Wait, how did you survive? |
| 01:06:13 |
No, how did you survive the jump? |
| 01:06:15 |
I've seen you twist your ankle |
| 01:06:16 |
Because on this occasion |
| 01:06:21 |
-Oh. |
| 01:06:22 |
What did you land in? |
| 01:06:23 |
-Jam. |
| 01:06:25 |
It was a barrel of jam. |
| 01:06:29 |
Probably what attracted the bear |
| 01:06:30 |
-Right. |
| 01:06:33 |
The burning building, baby, |
| 01:06:37 |
Shoot, no. |
| 01:06:38 |
Yeah, classic. So, I land. |
| 01:06:41 |
This bear is coming toward, |
| 01:06:45 |
like that happy chap over there. |
| 01:06:47 |
-What, sleeping, ugly fatty? |
| 01:06:50 |
-He's not happy. |
| 01:06:52 |
What do you mean? |
| 01:06:56 |
MARK: You can't tell that |
| 01:06:59 |
He could be the world's greatest poet. |
| 01:07:02 |
Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example. |
| 01:07:04 |
But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, |
| 01:07:09 |
Okay. What do you see |
| 01:07:11 |
ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy. |
| 01:07:13 |
-Right. |
| 01:07:15 |
MARK: He's carrying a briefcase. |
| 01:07:17 |
He's probably off to |
| 01:07:19 |
He's probably a high-powered businessman. |
| 01:07:22 |
You see more than I do. |
| 01:07:24 |
Well, because, if you look... |
| 01:07:27 |
What do you see when you see those guys? |
| 01:07:29 |
ANNA: Mmm... |
| 01:07:31 |
Two nerdy losers in hats? |
| 01:07:35 |
Yeah. Good. Good observational skills. |
| 01:07:39 |
But what I mean is, look beyond |
| 01:07:45 |
They're holding hands. They're in love. |
| 01:07:52 |
Hey, do me. |
| 01:07:54 |
I mean, just what do you see? |
| 01:07:58 |
You're pretty. |
| 01:08:01 |
You've got a wonderful smile. |
| 01:08:02 |
-Well, that's what everyone sees. |
| 01:08:06 |
You're the sweetest, |
| 01:08:10 |
And you've got a freckle there |
| 01:08:13 |
You usually smile, |
| 01:08:15 |
but sometimes you spend your day in bed, |
| 01:08:18 |
You'll hold someone's hand |
| 01:08:25 |
You're the most wonderful person |
| 01:08:32 |
What do you see when you look at me? |
| 01:08:40 |
You're chubby and you have a snub nose. |
| 01:08:45 |
Yeah. That's about it. |
| 01:08:47 |
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) |
| 01:08:52 |
You're smart. |
| 01:08:56 |
You're kind. |
| 01:08:58 |
You're the sweetest man I've ever met. |
| 01:09:02 |
You are definitely |
| 01:09:06 |
And you are fun to be with. |
| 01:09:09 |
And you see the world in a way |
| 01:09:11 |
and I like the way you see the world. |
| 01:09:15 |
And you're my best friend. |
| 01:09:17 |
You make me happier |
| 01:09:29 |
-Why can't we be together, then? |
| 01:09:32 |
Little fat kids with snub noses. |
| 01:09:38 |
It's a shame that being rich and famous |
| 01:09:44 |
Because I love you. |
| 01:09:49 |
Does being rich and famous |
| 01:10:01 |
No. |
| 01:10:02 |
It doesn't. O u r kids would be |
| 01:10:13 |
BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim. |
| 01:10:16 |
Does he deserve all the money and fame |
| 01:10:17 |
or is he just some fat loser |
| 01:10:20 |
JIM: I say fat loser, Bob. |
| 01:10:22 |
BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim. |
| 01:10:24 |
He's fat, he's stupid-looking. |
| 01:10:28 |
JIM: And what about the hundreds of people |
| 01:10:30 |
I mean, don't those people have jobs? |
| 01:10:32 |
BOB: Maybe they're all fat losers like him. |
| 01:10:34 |
(BOTH LAUGHING) |
| 01:10:36 |
JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in five. |
| 01:10:38 |
(DOOR OPENS) |
| 01:10:40 |
And then write, "The duck flew all the way |
| 01:10:42 |
(DOOR CLOSES) |
| 01:10:44 |
"with his friend |
| 01:10:47 |
-"And the polar bear... " |
| 01:10:49 |
Doesn't matter. Uh... "The end. " |
| 01:10:52 |
-That's a strange ending. |
| 01:10:55 |
And you want me to take this over |
| 01:10:57 |
-Yeah. |
| 01:10:58 |
Tell them to film that one this week. |
| 01:11:01 |
Okay. |
| 01:11:03 |
Tell them it's for kids. |
| 01:11:05 |
Kids will love that, won't they? |
| 01:11:07 |
Bears and ducks in cars. |
| 01:11:11 |
-What's that? |
| 01:11:13 |
-You want it? |
| 01:11:16 |
Oh, I came to tell you |
| 01:11:19 |
-Why not? |
| 01:11:21 |
Who with? |
| 01:11:23 |
-Brad Kessler. |
| 01:11:27 |
You know what I think of him. |
| 01:11:31 |
-To you. Not to me. |
| 01:11:32 |
He's very sweet and kind to me. |
| 01:11:34 |
Well, of course he is. Look at you! |
| 01:11:37 |
-It would? |
| 01:11:39 |
Do not get in with a shark. |
| 01:11:42 |
-But don't go out with him. |
| 01:11:45 |
-Well, he's an excel lent match for me. |
| 01:11:48 |
-Why not? |
| 01:11:50 |
If I don't sleep with him, |
| 01:11:52 |
then he'll find another acceptable mate |
| 01:11:54 |
-Then I'll miss out. |
| 01:11:56 |
-Yes. |
| 01:11:58 |
You haven't thought this through. |
| 01:11:59 |
Because if I was going out |
| 01:12:01 |
And if you were attractive, like Brad. |
| 01:12:03 |
Yes. Well, why... |
| 01:12:06 |
But I would... I would lose respect for you... |
| 01:12:09 |
-Huh? |
| 01:12:12 |
I would because I... |
| 01:12:14 |
Just chat, just talk to him, sure. |
| 01:12:16 |
But, listen, do not, whatever... |
| 01:12:18 |
Let him know |
| 01:12:21 |
Verbally, not with... Because he will then go, |
| 01:12:25 |
"Oh, I... I want to date her... |
| 01:12:28 |
Do not... |
| 01:12:30 |
Do not have sex with anyone |
| 01:12:35 |
is the rule. |
| 01:12:38 |
Settled. |
| 01:12:41 |
-Okay. |
| 01:12:49 |
What's this? |
| 01:12:50 |
Birthday coupon for sex. |
| 01:12:54 |
(STAMMERING) |
| 01:12:55 |
It's a coupon for birthday sex. |
| 01:13:00 |
What do you get the man |
| 01:13:02 |
(CHUCKLES) |
| 01:13:04 |
-Sorry. |
| 01:13:06 |
-No, no, no, stop. |
| 01:13:11 |
Which is what you just said. |
| 01:13:14 |
(IMITATING MARK) Do not sleep with anyone |
| 01:13:17 |
That's what I said. But hold on, though. |
| 01:13:21 |
-The rule is... |
| 01:13:24 |
So we can't... |
| 01:13:26 |
The coupon, it's just such a... |
| 01:13:28 |
-Rule. |
| 01:13:30 |
-But, I mean, you know... |
| 01:13:31 |
(STUTTERING) It is, it is. |
| 01:13:34 |
Now I can't redeem sex with this. |
| 01:13:37 |
So you'd like what? |
| 01:13:40 |
(CHUCKLES) Can't have sex with you. |
| 01:13:43 |
You probably just prefer socks, right? |
| 01:13:45 |
Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones, |
| 01:13:48 |
BRAD: Hello? |
| 01:13:49 |
Oh, he's coming. |
| 01:13:52 |
Well, why have you invited him here? |
| 01:13:54 |
I didn't. It was his idea. |
| 01:13:56 |
I bet it was. It's my house. |
| 01:13:58 |
-Anna. |
| 01:14:00 |
BRAD: I know. |
| 01:14:02 |
-Mark. You look like trash. |
| 01:14:05 |
Let's go have some fun. |
| 01:14:07 |
-Not too much. |
| 01:14:09 |
That is a coupon for birthday sex. |
| 01:14:11 |
-With you? |
| 01:14:13 |
But he doesn't want it |
| 01:14:15 |
-He'd rather have a pair of socks, right? |
| 01:14:17 |
Oh, sure. Of course, |
| 01:14:21 |
Well, maybe we just will. |
| 01:14:24 |
Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What... |
| 01:14:29 |
I'll call you later. |
| 01:14:37 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:14:39 |
(DOOR CLOSES) |
| 01:14:40 |
-I thought we'd celebrate tonight. |
| 01:14:42 |
Today I was handed |
| 01:14:45 |
Not only am I the head writer |
| 01:14:48 |
but today I was handed the reins |
| 01:14:51 |
-Oh, that is exciting. |
| 01:14:53 |
No other writer's ever had |
| 01:14:55 |
let alone four of the most popular ones. |
| 01:14:58 |
Mark's never had more than one century. |
| 01:15:01 |
Mark also has the man in the sky |
| 01:15:02 |
telling him stories |
| 01:15:04 |
Yes, but does he look like this? |
| 01:15:06 |
Does he have my genetics? |
| 01:15:13 |
-No. |
| 01:15:16 |
I'm gonna send that bottle back. |
| 01:15:17 |
Not because it's turned, but because |
| 01:15:21 |
Yes, sir. |
| 01:15:23 |
Also, I think we're ready to order. |
| 01:15:24 |
She will have the small Caesar salad |
| 01:15:27 |
And I will have the fillet, rare, |
| 01:15:31 |
it tastes good, and I'm important. |
| 01:15:33 |
Excel lent. |
| 01:15:35 |
I understand why you want me to have |
| 01:15:38 |
-Maybe we could add some chicken. |
| 01:15:42 |
We both know that one day |
| 01:15:44 |
You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly. |
| 01:15:48 |
Why throw a weight problem on top of it |
| 01:15:52 |
Of course not. |
| 01:15:56 |
(CELLPHONE RINGING) |
| 01:15:57 |
Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom |
| 01:16:00 |
She's very control ling and impatient. |
| 01:16:03 |
Let me talk to her. |
| 01:16:04 |
(STUTTERING) Okay. |
| 01:16:07 |
(CLEARS THROAT) |
| 01:16:09 |
Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler. |
| 01:16:12 |
-Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. |
| 01:16:15 |
No, she hasn't blown it by boring me. |
| 01:16:22 |
Okay, you're annoying me now. |
| 01:16:25 |
Your voice is shrill. Good bye. |
| 01:16:27 |
Sorry. |
| 01:16:32 |
Thank you. |
| 01:16:43 |
Mmm! |
| 01:16:45 |
You know, you are |
| 01:16:48 |
physically, genetically, |
| 01:16:52 |
I agree. |
| 01:16:53 |
And a large part of me just wants to bag you |
| 01:16:55 |
because Mark's in love with you |
| 01:16:57 |
Why do you hate Mark so much? |
| 01:16:59 |
Because he's a loser. |
| 01:17:01 |
I'm the one who should be living in |
| 01:17:06 |
But I can have the one thing that he can't. |
| 01:17:09 |
-You. |
| 01:17:11 |
Because you are sensible. |
| 01:17:13 |
You want to marry a strong genetic match |
| 01:17:15 |
and maybe one day |
| 01:17:19 |
Little fat kids with snub noses. |
| 01:17:22 |
Exactly. |
| 01:17:24 |
Exactly. Yeah. |
| 01:17:30 |
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 01:17:41 |
MAN: The man in the sky, |
| 01:17:45 |
has told us that we can do two bad things |
| 01:17:49 |
So I say to you... |
| 01:17:50 |
No. I won't move into your mansion with you |
| 01:17:54 |
The more you push me away, |
| 01:17:58 |
Out of the way, fatty! |
| 01:18:00 |
Hey, you're Mark Bellison. |
| 01:18:02 |
Yeah. You gonna apologise? |
| 01:18:04 |
For what? |
| 01:18:23 |
-Who wants another drink? |
| 01:18:25 |
I'll take one. |
| 01:18:28 |
Thanks. |
| 01:18:31 |
What's going on? |
| 01:18:32 |
What, I can't be depressed |
| 01:18:34 |
'cause I've got a big house |
| 01:18:37 |
What about you guys? |
| 01:18:40 |
Since the man in the sky? |
| 01:18:41 |
-Yeah, definitely. |
| 01:18:44 |
Are you still lonely? |
| 01:18:46 |
-Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that. |
| 01:18:49 |
Well, because I was thinking |
| 01:18:55 |
that'll be really great because it's eternal, |
| 01:18:58 |
you know, so you can't really beat that. |
| 01:19:00 |
So I'm just really happy |
| 01:19:03 |
So until then I think |
| 01:19:06 |
and my little apartment and just kind of |
| 01:19:11 |
That doesn't sound like a happy life. |
| 01:19:16 |
Well, no, it won't be that long, |
| 01:19:20 |
And I'm just waiting for that mansion, |
| 01:19:22 |
That's what I'm talking about. |
| 01:19:25 |
Brilliant. |
| 01:19:29 |
INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone, |
| 01:19:31 |
No, I just...He's speaking to me now. |
| 01:19:34 |
-Is he saying something? |
| 01:19:35 |
Well, would you please tell us |
| 01:19:37 |
He's saying, |
| 01:19:39 |
And I'm saying back, |
| 01:19:41 |
There's got to be something better on TV |
| 01:19:44 |
Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it. |
| 01:19:46 |
Oh, please. I know all your friends, |
| 01:19:50 |
What's that supposed to mean? |
| 01:19:51 |
It means just because |
| 01:19:54 |
doesn't make him good enough |
| 01:19:59 |
What if I wanted him to be |
| 01:20:02 |
Man in the sky forbid. |
| 01:20:04 |
It would make no sense. |
| 01:20:06 |
Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky |
| 01:20:09 |
but that doesn't change the fact |
| 01:20:11 |
and your kids would be, too. |
| 01:20:12 |
-Well, he is more than just that. |
| 01:20:15 |
Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be. |
| 01:20:18 |
He is... |
| 01:20:21 |
He's smart, he's funny, |
| 01:20:26 |
And he makes me feel special. |
| 01:20:30 |
You are going to be |
| 01:20:33 |
the person who'll give you |
| 01:20:36 |
Someone like Brad Kessler. |
| 01:20:39 |
Hello, Brad. One moment. |
| 01:20:43 |
-S peak to him. Don't blow this. |
| 01:20:51 |
Hello. |
| 01:20:56 |
Hi, Brad. |
| 01:21:07 |
MARK: I miss you, Mum. |
| 01:21:11 |
I know you can't hear me. |
| 01:21:13 |
I know you're not up there in a mansion. |
| 01:21:18 |
You're right here in the ground. |
| 01:21:22 |
And I'm the only person in the world |
| 01:21:27 |
And I'm not happy. |
| 01:21:29 |
I did all this, but... |
| 01:21:32 |
I'm not happy because |
| 01:21:36 |
no one listens to what they really want. |
| 01:21:41 |
That's why I'll always be a loser. |
| 01:21:46 |
That's why I'll always be alone. |
| 01:22:15 |
(DOORBELL RINGS) |
| 01:22:19 |
(MARK GROANS) |
| 01:22:46 |
Mark. |
| 01:22:49 |
You look awful. |
| 01:22:54 |
Can I come in? |
| 01:22:57 |
-Haven't seen you much lately. |
| 01:23:00 |
I've been busy with work and things and... |
| 01:23:04 |
Also, I tried calling you |
| 01:23:11 |
-Did you know I was getting married? |
| 01:23:15 |
That's why I came over here, actually. |
| 01:23:27 |
Don't do it. |
| 01:23:29 |
The wedding is tomorrow. |
| 01:23:31 |
Please, don't marry him. |
| 01:23:36 |
-I hope you'll come. |
| 01:23:42 |
Because it would make me happy. |
| 01:23:46 |
Being around you makes me happy. |
| 01:23:48 |
Then why are you marrying him? |
| 01:23:50 |
I only have a certain amount of time |
| 01:23:54 |
have the children that I've always wanted. |
| 01:23:57 |
You know that. |
| 01:24:02 |
One day, Mark, |
| 01:24:05 |
I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly. |
| 01:24:09 |
No, you won't. Not to me. |
| 01:24:17 |
You'll never be ugly. |
| 01:24:21 |
You're confusing me. |
| 01:24:31 |
-Please take this. |
| 01:24:35 |
(SOBS) |
| 01:25:08 |
BOY: Enjoying your ice cream, |
| 01:25:11 |
(LAUGHING) |
| 01:25:13 |
(BOYS LAUGHING) |
| 01:25:14 |
Stop that! |
| 01:25:19 |
It's okay. Forget about them. |
| 01:25:24 |
What's your name? |
| 01:25:26 |
Short Fat Brian. |
| 01:25:29 |
Well, Brian. |
| 01:25:36 |
You are so much more |
| 01:25:44 |
See? You're Brian with the Great Smile. |
| 01:25:48 |
Thanks. |
| 01:25:56 |
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) |
| 01:26:00 |
GREG: Ow! |
| 01:26:05 |
Greg! |
| 01:26:06 |
GREG: Sorry! |
| 01:26:08 |
Keep the noise down. |
| 01:26:11 |
Fat, ginger... |
| 01:26:13 |
(PLASTIC RUSTLING) |
| 01:26:16 |
Shut up! |
| 01:26:56 |
You haven't lost yet, man. |
| 01:27:08 |
(CHURCH BELL TOLLING) |
| 01:27:29 |
BRAD: Ah! |
| 01:27:31 |
(ORGAN PLAYING) |
| 01:28:08 |
Loser. |
| 01:28:12 |
We are here today, |
| 01:28:15 |
to share in the wedding |
| 01:28:18 |
two attractive young people |
| 01:28:20 |
who have come to the conclusion |
| 01:28:25 |
that their genetic match-up will be |
| 01:28:30 |
and a lifetime of financial stability |
| 01:28:36 |
Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna |
| 01:28:41 |
and to protect your offspring |
| 01:28:44 |
I do. |
| 01:28:46 |
And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad |
| 01:28:50 |
and to protect your offspring |
| 01:29:00 |
I do. |
| 01:29:02 |
Before I pronounce these two man and wife, |
| 01:29:08 |
who believes they offer |
| 01:29:18 |
Me. |
| 01:29:19 |
(GUESTS MURMURING) |
| 01:29:21 |
Oh, come on, Mark. |
| 01:29:23 |
I mean, look at you. |
| 01:29:27 |
Because she's happy with me. |
| 01:29:29 |
If she were happy with you, |
| 01:29:32 |
She thinks her kids deserve |
| 01:29:36 |
And she's right. |
| 01:29:37 |
Yeah. And do you know |
| 01:29:40 |
You're a sperm donor. |
| 01:29:41 |
(CHUCKLING) |
| 01:29:43 |
(GUESTS MURMURING) |
| 01:29:44 |
She's my best friend. |
| 01:29:47 |
I thought I was your best friend. |
| 01:29:49 |
Not now. Let's... |
| 01:29:53 |
And I love her. |
| 01:29:56 |
Don't do this. |
| 01:29:58 |
Don't do it. |
| 01:30:01 |
Is this what you really want? |
| 01:30:03 |
It's the way of the world, Mark. |
| 01:30:05 |
Why? Why does it have to be? |
| 01:30:08 |
Who says your kids will be better than mine? |
| 01:30:10 |
Who says that a strong jawline or |
| 01:30:15 |
He's also taller. |
| 01:30:16 |
No, I know, but I'm just... |
| 01:30:19 |
Please, man, I... |
| 01:30:23 |
Who says those traits will make your kids |
| 01:30:26 |
I'll love our children. |
| 01:30:27 |
And who says you'll make a better husband |
| 01:30:29 |
just because you come from |
| 01:30:32 |
or a better genetic line? |
| 01:30:34 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:30:36 |
She's a prize on your arm. |
| 01:30:41 |
Anna. |
| 01:30:44 |
If you tell me this is what you really want, |
| 01:30:50 |
Is this what you really want? |
| 01:30:52 |
Well, now, it's not up to us |
| 01:30:54 |
-That's up to the man in the sky. |
| 01:30:59 |
Why don't you just ask the man in the sky |
| 01:31:02 |
-Surely he knows best. |
| 01:31:05 |
Just tell her |
| 01:31:07 |
Why don't you tell me |
| 01:31:11 |
Just please tell me. |
| 01:31:14 |
(SCOFFS) |
| 01:31:16 |
No. |
| 01:31:25 |
(GUESTS MURMURING) |
| 01:31:28 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:31:33 |
Are we married yet? |
| 01:31:34 |
-Because I have plans later. |
| 01:32:02 |
ANNA: Mark, wait! |
| 01:32:06 |
Why don't you just tell me |
| 01:32:11 |
-I did a bad thing. |
| 01:32:13 |
-You're allowed three. |
| 01:32:18 |
There is no man in the sky. |
| 01:32:25 |
Why did you say there was? |
| 01:32:30 |
I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face |
| 01:32:34 |
And things just escalated. |
| 01:32:39 |
But how did you say something that wasn't? |
| 01:32:42 |
I don't know, I just did. I just can. |
| 01:32:46 |
But when I asked you if being rich |
| 01:32:48 |
and successful and famous |
| 01:32:51 |
why didn't you just say yes? |
| 01:32:55 |
'Cause it wouldn't count. |
| 01:33:00 |
Mark. |
| 01:33:04 |
I know what I want. |
| 01:33:05 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:33:10 |
I want little fat kids with snub noses. |
| 01:33:20 |
I'm your man. |
| 01:33:35 |
MARK: So that's it. I got the girl. |
| 01:33:38 |
Anna and I are very happy together, |
| 01:33:41 |
She still doesn't fully understand |
| 01:33:45 |
No one does. |
| 01:33:49 |
Actually, that's not entirely true. |
| 01:33:55 |
What do you think? |
| 01:33:59 |
That looks good. |
| 01:34:03 |
It tastes so good, Mommy. |
| 01:34:06 |
-Your best yet. |
| 01:34:09 |
Huh? Oh. |
| 01:34:15 |
I don't know where to start. |
| 01:34:18 |
Just start on the bread, maybe, |
| 01:34:23 |
You eat that. You liked it so much. |
| 01:34:29 |
You eat that. You liked it so much. |
