Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back

en
00:00:55 Bobby-boy,
00:01:00 This will keep the sun out of your eyes
00:01:02 Be good.
00:01:10 Don't you fucking move,
00:01:12 Mama's gonna try to score.
00:01:19 Excuse me, who's watching these babies?
00:01:22 The fat one's watching the little one?
00:01:24 Nice parenting.
00:01:27 Leave them out here like that
00:01:29 Fuck you, you fucking square!
00:01:32 Yeah, keep on trucking.
00:01:34 Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
00:01:36 What a fucker man.
00:01:38 Who does he think he fucking is?
00:01:39 What's the worst
00:01:40 standing in front of a store?
00:01:42 Fuck!
00:01:46 Fuck.
00:01:49 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
00:01:51 Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
00:01:55 Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
00:01:57 One, two, one-two-three-four.
00:01:59 No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,
00:02:01 Smoking weed, smoking weed,
00:02:04 Drinking beers, beers, beers.
00:02:08 Who smokes the blunts?
00:02:13 Let me have a nickel bag.
00:02:14 Fifteen bucks, little man.
00:02:18 If that money doesn't show,
00:02:22 My Jungle Love.
00:02:26 I think I want to know you, know you.
00:02:29 What the hell are you singing?
00:02:31 You don't know "Jungle Love"?
00:02:33 That shit is the mad notes.
00:02:34 Written by God herself...
00:02:36 and handed down to
00:02:39 The motherfucking Time.
00:02:41 You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
00:02:43 Yeah, "Purple Rain."
00:02:44 That shit was so gay.
00:02:50 Don't never say an unkind word
00:02:52 Me and Silent Bob modeled our
00:02:55 around Morris Day and Jerome.
00:02:56 I'm a smooth pimp
00:02:59 and tubby here is my black man-servant.
00:03:02 What?
00:03:03 What did tell you two about
00:03:06 Drop the kid and pedal your
00:03:11 And for the record,
00:03:15 Want to hear something fucked up
00:03:22 Are you supposed to be here today?
00:03:24 Don't get me started.
00:03:25 Can't we do something
00:03:27 hanging around outside
00:03:29 Why? What did they do now?
00:03:31 I'm trying to watch
00:03:33 and all I can hear is...
00:03:33 those two screaming about
00:03:36 I thought the fat one
00:03:38 What, am I producing
00:03:41 Two packs of wraps.
00:03:45 What service?
00:03:46 The one at the Unitarian Church
00:03:48 where you two got married to each other
00:03:50 What the hell are you talking about?
00:03:52 Jay said you guys had a
00:03:54 and you tied the knot
00:03:56 And he says you're the bitch
00:03:59 I'm the bitch?
00:04:00 If we were gay,
00:04:02 Will you shut up?
00:04:03 Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.
00:04:05 That does it.
00:04:07 I am gonna do something about
00:04:10 I should've done a long time ago.
00:04:14 What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
00:04:15 We got a report of two guys hanging
00:04:19 We don't smoke pot.
00:04:21 No pot? What do you use this for?
00:04:24 I have a wiping problem,
00:04:27 over my brown eye and bam!
00:04:30 You don't believe me? I'll show you.
00:04:32 Check this out.
00:04:33 Just spread my cheeks and
00:04:35 Pull up your fucking pants, sir.
00:04:38 Now!
00:04:40 Let's go.
00:04:43 What, is it a crime to fart?
00:04:47 No fucking way!
00:04:49 Dante and Randal slapped you
00:04:51 Ain't that about a bitch?
00:04:53 Are you gonna abide by
00:04:55 or are you gonna go bandit,
00:04:57 Judge said if we go within
00:05:00 we get thrown into County.
00:05:02 You know what they make you do
00:05:03 Toss the salad.
00:05:05 If you guys really wanted to hang out
00:05:08 you could buy your own with all that
00:05:11 Hell, yeah, bitch.
00:05:13 Wait a second-what money?
00:05:14 The money from the Bluntman
00:05:21 Oh my God,
00:05:23 that there's a movie being made of
00:05:25 you two were the basis for?
00:05:28 What? Since when?
00:05:30 Here's the pulse.
00:05:34 far from the pulse,
00:05:38 Would you like
00:05:42 If you read Wizard, you'd know
00:05:47 Check it out.
00:05:51 When the fuck did this happen?
00:05:52 After-X-Men hit at the box office...
00:05:54 all the studios started buying
00:05:57 they could get their dirty
00:05:59 Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.
00:06:02 Miramax?
00:06:02 I thought
00:06:05 like The Piano, or The Crying Game.
00:06:07 Once they made She's All That,
00:06:10 You're saying you haven't gotten
00:06:13 Didn't Holden McNeil
00:06:15 used to pay you likeness rights
00:06:17 We haven't seen a fucking dime
00:06:20 I'm no lawyer,
00:06:23 owe you some of that proverbial
00:06:26 If I was you guys,
00:06:28 and ask for my movie check.
00:06:30 Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!
00:06:33 And on that note, we cue the music.
00:06:52 Look at these morose motherfuckers
00:06:56 Smells like somebody shit
00:07:02 Come on in.
00:07:05 What brings you two dirt merchants
00:07:07 I'll tell you what our necks are
00:07:10 Where's our motherfucking movie check?
00:07:12 You heard about that, huh?
00:07:14 I got nothing to do with it.
00:07:15 That's Banky's deal.
00:07:15 He owns the property now.
00:07:16 I sold my half of the Bluntman and
00:07:19 Why the fuck would you do
00:07:21 Why in Gods' name would I want to
00:07:25 whose central preoccupation is weed
00:07:28 You gotta grow, man.
00:07:31 Don't you want anything more
00:07:33 I know this poor hapless son of
00:07:37 I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
00:07:41 He's crying out "When, Lord?"
00:07:42 When the fuck can your servant...
00:07:45 ditch this foul mouthed
00:07:47 to whom I am a constant victim of
00:07:50 So much so that it prevents me
00:07:53 Fuck! When, Lord, when?
00:07:54 When's gonna be my time?
00:08:00 He knows.
00:08:01 I'm the chucklehead?
00:08:02 You're the fucking dumb ass...
00:08:04 who gave your comic away.
00:08:05 Now you don't get no
00:08:07 When you're right, you're right.
00:08:09 I wish I'd held on to a little piece
00:08:11 if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
00:08:14 What buzz?
00:08:16 The internet buzz.
00:08:17 What the fuck is the internet?
00:08:20 The internet is a communications
00:08:22 where people can come together
00:08:24 and share pornography.
00:08:25 Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.
00:08:29 Poop shoot, yeah.
00:08:31 This is a site populated
00:08:33 Sad, pathetic little bastards living
00:08:37 downloading scripts and what
00:08:41 about movies and actors that
00:08:43 can't stop discussing.
00:08:45 Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.
00:08:47 "Inside sources tell me Miramax is
00:08:50 "on their adaptation of underground
00:08:54 Friday? Shit.
00:08:55 Does it say who's playing us
00:08:56 No, but it's Miramax,
00:08:57 so I'm sure
00:09:00 They put them in a bunch of movies.
00:09:01 Who?
00:09:02 Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
00:09:04 You mean that fucking movie
00:09:06 I wasn't a big fan either.
00:09:09 But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
00:09:11 Word, bitch.
00:09:17 Here we go.
00:09:18 This is the shoot back section.
00:09:20 This is where the people get to
00:09:23 Here's a guy with
00:09:27 opining on what he thinks about
00:09:30 He says...
00:09:30 "Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
00:09:33 "only work in small doses, if at all."
00:09:35 "They don't deserve their own movie."
00:09:37 He's got a point.
00:09:38 Fuck him. What's the next one say?
00:09:39 This is entitled
00:09:41 "Bluntman & Chronic is the
00:09:44 "Jay & Silent Bob
00:09:47 "A couple of stoners who spout
00:09:49 "like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
00:09:52 "Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
00:09:57 Who the fuck said that shit?
00:09:59 He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
00:10:02 "Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
00:10:05 "They are fucking clown shoes."
00:10:08 "If they were real I'd beat the shit
00:10:12 "I will be boycotting this movie.
00:10:15 Then there's fifty more posts
00:10:17 who are joining this guy's boycott.
00:10:19 I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
00:10:22 Let it go.
00:10:24 They're talking about
00:10:28 But they said Jay & Silent Bob.
00:10:30 They used our real names.
00:10:31 It doesn't matter
00:10:33 because no one knows we're real
00:10:36 And all the people reading that
00:10:40 are a couple of jerk-offs
00:10:43 are writing about
00:10:45 Maybe one night me and lunch-box
00:10:49 "Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.
00:10:52 What're your names?"
00:10:54 And I say
00:10:57 And she says
00:10:59 "you guys were a couple of
00:11:02 And then she goes and sucks
00:11:05 Fuck that!
00:11:07 We got to put a stop to
00:11:09 sons of bitches before they ruin
00:11:12 First of all, I don't know
00:11:14 and second, there's not much you can do
00:11:17 The internet has given everyone
00:11:18 and everyone in America
00:11:21 to bitch about movies.
00:11:22 As long as
00:11:23 the net nerds are gonna have
00:11:27 Wait a second.
00:11:28 If there wasn't
00:11:30 then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
00:11:33 They're not saying anything
00:11:36 They're talking
00:11:38 Fictional characters.
00:11:41 Am I getting through to you at all?
00:11:44 So all we gotta do is stop
00:11:47 And forego the hundreds
00:11:51 that you two would be entitled to
00:11:53 Are you fucking retarded?
00:11:54 I don't think I'm alone in the world...
00:11:57 Greedo shooting first.
00:12:00 A Jay & Silent Bob movie?
00:12:04 Who'd pay to see that?
00:12:11 But, since it appears inevitable,
00:12:13 go hunt Banky down and get
00:12:17 as you succinctly put it,
00:12:20 No, Holden McNeil.
00:12:23 The important thing here
00:12:25 we don't even know calling us
00:12:28 to teenagers and guys
00:12:31 Putting a stop to that is the most
00:12:34 When is this movie getting made?
00:12:37 They start this Friday.
00:12:38 So, if today is Tuesday,
00:12:44 eight days.
00:12:46 Three by my count, but close.
00:12:48 My bad.
00:12:50 Three days to stop that fucking
00:12:53 C'mon, Silent Bob-
00:13:18 Tickets?
00:13:19 Since when did they start charging
00:13:21 Didn't we used to ride that shit to
00:13:28 This sucks balls, man.
00:13:29 How come we ain't getting no rides?
00:13:32 Because you're doing it all wrong.
00:13:36 You gotta give
00:13:40 Like how?
00:13:41 Like this.
00:13:45 But what happens when they pick
00:13:46 make with the head?
00:13:48 Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
00:13:49 Sure, if you don't make with the head.
00:13:56 Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
00:14:00 I'll take a shot in the mouth.
00:14:02 But we ain't gay.
00:14:04 Don't be so suburban.
00:14:06 It's the new millennium.
00:14:08 Gay, straight- it's all the same now.
00:14:11 There are no more lines.
00:14:14 There's a line,
00:14:17 All the hitchers do this.
00:14:20 Why do you think people pick us up?
00:14:22 If you get a ride, it's expected.
00:14:24 I don't care who the driver is.
00:14:27 It's the first rule in the book.
00:14:30 What book?
00:14:32 The unwritten book of the road.
00:14:50 Follow the rules of the book...
00:14:53 and you'll get
00:14:55 Excuse me.
00:15:25 You both don't have to sit back there.
00:15:27 Why doesn't one of you come sit
00:15:36 Where are you boys from?
00:15:38 New Jersey.
00:15:39 But we're on our way to Hollywood.
00:15:41 Hollywood, huh? That's far away.
00:15:44 Thank God you picked us up.
00:15:46 Do unto others-
00:15:50 Wait a second- you follow the book too?
00:15:52 I live my life by it.
00:15:54 - You?
00:15:56 So you live by the book, too?
00:16:00 You picked us up, didn't you?
00:16:04 That's good to hear...
00:16:05 but it's a lot easier to say
00:16:09 than to actually do it.
00:16:11 Can you do it?
00:16:34 I can't believe this shit.
00:16:36 Five hours and not a single ride.
00:16:37 Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
00:16:41 but when you and me try it's like
00:17:01 Zoinks.
00:17:03 Now we can finally solve the mystery
00:17:05 Pull off their masks and let's see
00:17:08 I don't think they are masks.
00:17:09 And I don't think
00:17:12 Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.
00:17:14 I wish they were hitchhiking girl.
00:17:17 Sexy, hitchhiking girls.
00:17:19 Let's kick them out.
00:17:20 We have a mystery to solve.
00:17:22 The only mystery here is
00:17:24 from a dick in a neckerchief.
00:17:27 Keep it up, beatnik.
00:17:28 I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
00:17:29 I can't take all this fighting.
00:17:35 You guys need to turn those
00:17:37 And I got just the thing for that.
00:17:40 We call it...
00:17:42 doobie snacks.
00:18:06 Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
00:18:14 I think they passed out.
00:18:15 Great. What do we do with them now?
00:18:18 Let's cut out their kidneys
00:18:20 and leave them in
00:18:32 You see something?
00:18:33 Anything?
00:18:35 I had a horrible dream.
00:18:39 Man, I'm hungry.
00:18:40 Where can we get some breakfast?
00:18:54 Yeah.
00:19:02 Check that shit out.
00:19:04 The internet.
00:19:05 Let's see if those fucks wrote
00:19:06 or that stupid-ass flick.
00:19:11 "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
00:19:15 "because they both, in fact,
00:19:17 Mother fucker.
00:19:19 It's time we wrote something back.
00:19:21 Type this shit down.
00:19:23 All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
00:19:25 You are the ones
00:19:29 We're gonna fuck your mothers
00:19:32 like little whiny bitches.
00:19:33 One we get to Hollywood...
00:19:35 and find those Miramax fucks
00:19:37 we're gonna make them eat our shit-
00:19:41 and eat their shit that's made up
00:19:44 And then all you mother fucks are next.
00:19:47 Love, Jay & Silent Bob.
00:19:50 That'll show those fucks.
00:19:52 Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin
00:19:53 then get back on the road,
00:19:56 from making that movie.
00:19:58 No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.
00:19:59 We keep our eye on the prize.
00:20:01 And let nothing...
00:20:03 and I mean nothing distract us.
00:20:15 Holy shit!
00:21:19 Oh, my God.
00:21:20 Do you get free refills with that?
00:21:22 This? No, I use this for protection.
00:21:24 So that no guys try to grab my shit
00:21:28 Hi, I'm Justice.
00:21:30 And I am so fucking yours.
00:21:34 I mean- hi, I'm Jay.
00:21:35 And this is my hetero life-mate,
00:21:38 It's nice to meet you.
00:21:39 Justice, huh? That's a nice name.
00:21:41 Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...
00:21:45 f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
00:21:48 So you come around here often?
00:21:50 I'm not from around here.
00:21:52 My friends and I are on a road trip.
00:21:54 Friends, huh?
00:21:55 Where are they at?
00:21:56 Out there by that van.
00:22:23 Hi.
00:22:24 Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
00:22:29 Ladies, ladies, ladies -
00:22:34 Who the fuck are these guys?
00:22:37 This is Jay and Silent Bob.
00:22:39 Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.
00:22:42 Where the fuck did they come from?
00:22:45 I met them inside.
00:22:45 They're gonna hitch a ride.
00:22:47 I don't know if that's such a good idea
00:22:49 Sure it is, Jugs.
00:22:51 Oh, my God!
00:22:53 He just called Sissy "Jugs".
00:22:54 - I'm on it.
00:22:56 We're in the middle of suburbia.
00:22:58 Let's try and act like it.
00:22:59 What's with the knife?
00:23:00 We having cake or something?
00:23:01 Shit.
00:23:03 He's retarded to boot.
00:23:04 She called you retarded.
00:23:06 What is wrong with you, Justice?
00:23:08 You do remember where
00:23:10 And we have a job to do.
00:23:11 They're just gonna tag along for
00:23:12 They won't get in the way, I swear.
00:23:14 I swear I don't know what's going on
00:23:17 Please?
00:23:18 Fine, they can ride with us.
00:23:20 But they are so out of here
00:23:23 Honest injun.
00:23:24 - Honest injun.
00:23:26 I can't believe what a pushover you are
00:23:28 And I can't believe fine-ass
00:23:31 Don't you know fast food
00:23:33 What's all this talk about farting?
00:23:36 Hi, Brent.
00:23:39 This is Brent. He's with us, too.
00:23:42 Brent, tell these sillies that
00:23:45 Of course they don't.
00:23:47 Only skeevy stoners fart.
00:23:50 What up, homies?
00:23:51 Wow, three guys, four girls.
00:23:55 What's the count, boys?
00:23:57 Let's rock.
00:23:59 Dear Mr. Science guy...
00:24:02 don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
00:24:07 I don't really want to die.
00:24:12 I'm a noble rabbit.
00:24:15 What are you guys,
00:24:17 We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-
00:24:20 Students Against Animal Cruelty.
00:24:22 We're on our way to Colorado to give
00:24:27 What the fuck
00:24:31 Hey! Watch the language, little boy.
00:24:33 There are females present.
00:24:36 Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
00:24:40 gross experiments on animals.
00:24:42 What kind of animals
00:24:46 No!
00:24:47 More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
00:24:51 Heck, even monkeys.
00:24:53 If we don't speak up for them, who will?
00:24:56 Right, Jussy?
00:24:58 Right, Brent.
00:25:05 Brent, can I talk to you over here
00:25:16 Be honest, you're down with this
00:25:19 I'm down with this
00:25:24 Even sheep?
00:25:25 Of course.
00:25:26 Sheep are beautiful creatures.
00:25:29 They are beautiful, aren't they?
00:25:30 Oh God, yes.
00:25:33 So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
00:25:35 What is your damage, little boy?
00:25:37 You have a sick
00:25:39 You're misunderstanding me,
00:25:43 I mean if you were another sheep.
00:25:45 Would you fuck a sheep
00:25:50 Since you put it that way...
00:25:53 you bet your ass I would.
00:25:55 I thought so.
00:25:58 This mother fucker ain't one of us.
00:25:59 He said he'd fuck a sheep.
00:26:04 Now who's stupid,
00:26:18 - What the fuck are we gonna do?
00:26:22 Is Hollywood near where we're going?
00:26:24 Is that where you guys are from?
00:26:26 Yeah, right.
00:26:27 Jersey represent.
00:26:29 Oh, a Jersey boy.
00:26:31 What brings you all the way out here?
00:26:33 We couldn't hang around
00:26:34 because of the restraining order.
00:26:36 Which sucks ass...
00:26:37 because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
00:26:40 Silent Bob even busted his cherry there
00:26:42 You did?
00:26:45 I bet she was a lucky girl.
00:26:50 Fuck that fat fuck!
00:26:52 I'm trying to tell a story.
00:26:55 Sorry.
00:26:56 We were talking to Brodie...
00:26:58 and he told us about
00:27:00 so we went to see Holden McNeil
00:27:02 and that's where we found all
00:27:05 talking shit about us.
00:27:06 So we decided to go to Hollywood...
00:27:07 and stop the movie from getting made.
00:27:09 And now we're here.
00:27:10 I have no idea what you just said.
00:27:12 I get that a lot.
00:27:14 So, you like animals, huh?
00:27:16 Sure.
00:27:17 That's cool. Even snakes?
00:27:18 You can't exclude an animal just
00:27:21 Of course I like snakes.
00:27:23 How about trouser snakes?
00:27:25 What's a trouser snake?
00:27:31 What the fuck are you waiting for.
00:27:33 She went for the set-up...
00:27:35 reach in your pants
00:27:37 Girls like that kind of shit.
00:27:42 Right here is where the angel
00:27:45 and tell you not to pull your dick out,
00:27:46 but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
00:27:49 so it's smooth sailing.
00:27:51 Let him rip, boy.
00:27:58 "Jesus loves the little children".
00:28:02 Sorry I'm late.
00:28:04 What's the deal?
00:28:07 Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
00:28:09 at this fine piece of woman, are you?
00:28:13 Look over at Silent Bob and
00:28:17 to whip your dick out.
00:28:21 That's it. Put the dick down.
00:28:24 You got to go from heart.
00:28:25 No little perv bullshit is gonna work
00:28:29 Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.
00:28:33 I gotta go beat the shit out of
00:28:36 Remember- don't pull your dick out
00:28:40 Or until she's sleeping.
00:28:47 Don't ask.
00:28:48 So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
00:28:50 do to help the animals?
00:28:52 You really don't want to help us.
00:28:55 What are you talking about?
00:28:56 Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
00:29:01 I mean youse guys-
00:29:03 Because of the lift and shit.
00:29:05 Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
00:29:10 You do that.
00:29:11 I'll be right here waiting.
00:29:29 Fuck you, fatty.
00:29:51 You guys want anything from inside?
00:29:53 No, we're cool.
00:30:20 It just isn't the same, is it?
00:30:22 This place licks balls compared to
00:30:25 Speaking of licking balls-
00:30:28 She is too fine.
00:30:30 And she smells so fucking pretty.
00:30:33 She has a nice voice, too.
00:30:36 Fucking smoking.
00:30:38 She didn't tell me to fuck off once
00:30:41 or pull out the pepper spray.
00:30:43 You know,
00:30:48 - Smooth move, Justice.
00:30:50 - Nice going, four eyes.
00:30:52 Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
00:30:55 If I had to listen to one more of
00:30:57 I was gonna throw him out myself.
00:30:59 We needed Brent.
00:31:01 He was our patsy, remember?
00:31:02 We'll just find someone else.
00:31:04 Besides, I didn't see you try to
00:31:06 I didn't want to blow our cover.
00:31:08 Cover? You all hated his songs, too.
00:31:10 Not as much as I hate you.
00:31:11 We have a very simple gang.
00:31:13 I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
00:31:16 But lately I'm can't figure out
00:31:19 Your name doesn't even fit
00:31:21 Since you let our patsy slip away...
00:31:22 you have to convince the little kid
00:31:25 They've gotta break into Provasik now.
00:31:29 You'll do it or you're out of the gang.
00:31:31 Just use the little one's crush on you
00:31:33 since he's so fucking in love with you.
00:31:36 Jay? No, he's not.
00:31:37 Am I blind?
00:31:39 He wasn't kissing your hand
00:31:40 like he was Lord Byron?
00:31:42 Maybe he has manners?
00:31:46 You ever had your asshole licked
00:31:52 We've got about two hours
00:31:54 That'll give you plenty of time
00:31:56 - I'm not gonna do it.
00:31:58 Because he's just so innocent.
00:32:00 Look at him.
00:32:04 Who's it gonna be?
00:32:04 Him or us?
00:32:09 Steal a monkey? No problem.
00:32:12 It's not stealing a monkey.
00:32:14 It's liberating it. It's-
00:32:16 Wait a second.
00:32:18 Did you say "no problem"?
00:32:19 Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.
00:32:21 Right, lunch-box?
00:32:25 It's not like it's a bad thing.
00:32:27 It's for a good cause.
00:32:29 It's for the best cause, mon cheri.
00:32:31 The cause of love.
00:32:34 Snoogens.
00:32:36 What the heck is that?
00:32:37 - What?
00:32:40 What the fuck do you think it means?
00:32:42 It means I'm kidding.
00:32:44 That's too bad.
00:32:53 I can't believe I'm gonna get some
00:33:01 If I'd known that earlier...
00:33:02 I'd have been stealing monkeys
00:33:05 Don't, mother fucker-
00:33:08 Me and Justice
00:33:10 so don't be giving me no look like
00:33:12 I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!
00:33:14 Don't forget that.
00:33:16 That girl- that girl is in love with me
00:33:19 They're gonna do it.
00:33:21 Good.
00:33:22 They do their part and we'll do ours.
00:33:41 Remember- we meet back here
00:33:43 Are you sure you're okay with this?
00:33:45 Sure as I am that you're the hottest
00:33:48 Easy...
00:33:49 What's twisting this bitch's tit?
00:33:51 Maybe it's because women don't
00:33:54 They don't?
00:33:56 How about "fine piece of ass"?
00:33:58 How about not.
00:33:59 What the fuck am I supposed
00:34:01 Something sweet, you big goof.
00:34:03 Something nice.
00:34:06 Boo-boo kitty fuck?
00:34:08 Okay, that's a start.
00:34:12 Jay, before you go...
00:34:13 could you say something into the camera
00:34:16 - You are such a bitch!
00:34:18 She's a little embarrassed.
00:34:21 We're making a documentary for
00:34:24 and we need a male perspective
00:34:27 The female clitoris?
00:34:28 Yeah.
00:34:30 Jay, you don't have to do this.
00:34:31 It's cool.
00:34:33 There's a few things
00:34:35 that I'd like you to hear.
00:34:39 I am the master of the clit.
00:34:41 Remember this fucking face.
00:34:43 Wherever you see clit,
00:34:45 I make that shit work.
00:34:47 No one rules the clit like me.
00:34:49 Not this little fuck.
00:34:50 None of you little fucks out there.
00:34:52 I am the clit commander.
00:34:55 When it comes down
00:34:57 I pinch it like this-
00:35:01 And then I rub my nose-
00:35:04 Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
00:35:07 I will.
00:35:08 Girls.
00:35:11 Do you think I could get a little kiss
00:35:19 Do you think I could get
00:35:23 No. Go.
00:35:31 Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.
00:35:47 Jussy, come on.
00:36:25 - Are they in?
00:36:28 Time to shine. Let's go.
00:37:27 You are so gay.
00:37:35 Once we get upstairs
00:37:38 Missy whipped this up-
00:37:40 If it goes into the red- alarm,
00:37:42 So that means not even
00:37:44 Got it.
00:37:56 Justice, move your ass.
00:38:21 Check this shit out, lunch-box.
00:38:23 Animal tranquilizers.
00:38:24 This shit fucks you up- like percosets.
00:38:31 Keep this, so later me and Justice
00:38:34 and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.
00:38:59 Suzanne.
00:39:03 Boo-yah.
00:41:06 Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
00:41:21 Boom-box.
00:41:23 I can't believe it.
00:41:24 Months of planning...
00:41:25 and it's all blown by a fart.
00:41:27 We can't just leave them here.
00:41:28 That alarm will bring the cops
00:41:30 That's always been the plan.
00:41:31 They take the heat off us long enough
00:41:39 Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.
00:41:42 Let's go!
00:41:57 What are you looking at?
00:41:59 There ain't no snacks here.
00:42:01 We got what we came for.
00:42:01 Let's get outta here.
00:42:07 I know it's sad.
00:42:08 But what are we supposed
00:42:21 Justice, open the door!
00:42:24 Oh, shit!
00:42:34 Drop the bag-now!!!
00:43:07 Justice!
00:43:38 You mind if I lean that there?
00:43:43 My, oh my, oh my.
00:43:46 Who let the cats out?
00:43:49 Wait-is that-??
00:43:51 Excuse me, who the hell are you?
00:43:54 Federal Wildlife Marshall.
00:43:55 This investigation is now
00:43:57 Really? Why is that?
00:43:58 Because someone let a whole mess of
00:44:01 We believe that was just
00:44:03 to call attention away from
00:44:06 Yeah, right.
00:44:09 Sounds more like something out of
00:44:14 The Provasik people say
00:44:18 except for one-an orangutan.
00:44:21 The most dangerous animal known to man.
00:44:25 Sir,
00:44:26 What is it?
00:44:29 It's a tape from the terrorists who
00:44:31 Do you have a VCR?
00:44:33 I am the clit commander.
00:44:35 Oh, my God!
00:44:38 Blafsky, it's Willenholly.
00:44:40 I need you to get me on
00:44:43 Why?
00:44:45 Because we may be dealing with...
00:44:47 the two most dangerous men on
00:44:57 This is Jussy's monkey.
00:45:02 Justice died for you,
00:45:07 Do something, tons of fun.
00:45:12 Is that thing waving at us?
00:45:17 It understood us.
00:45:20 Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?
00:45:28 You're my bitch!
00:45:29 You get my back.
00:45:31 Don't go taking
00:45:47 What if there are more
00:45:50 Maybe they're making an army of
00:45:53 Holy shit!
00:45:54 Maybe it's a conspiracy,
00:45:57 Roswell style?
00:46:02 This little monkey can be
00:46:05 responsible for fall of
00:46:09 and this world got mad
00:46:12 The monkey will spank us.
00:46:16 I'm not even supposed to be here today.
00:46:20 Eaten alive.
00:46:22 Then these monkey fucks
00:46:25 and rebuilding the world in their image
00:46:29 And only those...
00:46:30 as super smart will be left a live...
00:46:36 You maniacs!
00:46:37 Damn youse!
00:46:39 God damn youse all to hell!
00:46:45 Not on my watch, mother fucker.
00:46:47 Die, you super-monkey fuck!
00:46:58 Alright, you can live. For now.
00:47:04 You see that shit. Bitches love me.
00:47:06 Let's get something to eat.
00:47:10 We ain't hiding in the woods no more.
00:47:12 We gotta get to Hollywood.
00:47:14 Besides, we're in the clear.
00:47:15 It's not like anyone knows
00:47:20 I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
00:47:23 A Provasik animal testing facility
00:47:28 by a terroristic primate rescue
00:47:31 The Coalition for Liberation of
00:47:34 or simply C.L.I.T.
00:47:37 In a videotape sent to
00:47:39 credit for the liberation of
00:47:42 is taken by these men, identified
00:47:46 as Jay and Silent Bob.
00:47:49 In this chilling clip, they make it
00:47:52 are in control... of the C.L.I.T.
00:47:55 We are the C.L.I.T.
00:47:57 Now tremble before
00:47:59 I am the clit commander.
00:48:02 Terrifying.
00:48:04 Here to help us explain this footage...
00:48:05 is Federal Wildlife
00:48:07 Marshall, thanks for joining us.
00:48:09 At this point, what can you tell us
00:48:12 From the intelligence we've been
00:48:15 that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
00:48:19 The Liberate Apes Before
00:48:21 Exactly.
00:48:22 The two men that you saw in the video
00:48:24 go by the obvious code names
00:48:28 If anyone out there should come
00:48:32 please exercise extreme caution.
00:48:35 I told you that restraining order
00:48:37 What response do you hope to elicit...
00:48:39 by putting this kind
00:48:42 It's a difficult situation.
00:48:43 You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
00:48:45 Nights like this,
00:48:49 Is that your cell phone, sir?
00:48:51 Blavsky, give me a frigging break.
00:48:55 I'm on my way.
00:48:56 We've got them. They're in Utah.
00:48:57 Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
00:49:02 Your plan worked.
00:49:04 The news is all about Jay
00:49:07 With almost no mention of
00:49:09 I told you those two
00:49:10 Don't you have any regret?
00:49:12 Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
00:49:13 They were really sweet.
00:49:15 The only thing I regret is not gutting
00:49:18 like a fish and playing twister
00:49:21 I don't get you, Justice.
00:49:23 You used to be all about
00:49:25 Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.
00:49:27 Now you're this little priss
00:49:29 It's really a drag.
00:49:31 We all have to grow up sometime.
00:49:32 If moping around over some boy
00:49:35 then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.
00:49:38 Marvelous Pizza coming through.
00:49:40 You the guys who ordered the pizza?
00:49:42 This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,
00:49:44 but I could go for some ht,
00:49:49 No charge, lady.
00:49:50 Hurry.
00:49:58 I'm sorry, Jay.
00:50:03 Justice died trying to save this monkey
00:50:06 so maybe we should keep it around.
00:50:07 They way...
00:50:08 we could honor her memory.
00:50:13 Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
00:50:15 And you were all scared we'd get busted
00:50:19 You know what I say?
00:50:20 Fuck the Police.
00:50:22 Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!
00:50:24 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
00:50:27 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
00:50:28 Yo, fuck me!
00:50:30 This is the Utah State Police.
00:50:33 Boys, we know you're in there.
00:50:35 Come on out with your hands in the air
00:50:38 and surrender the orangutan.
00:50:41 Think they're talking about us?
00:50:49 Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.
00:50:52 Who the hell are you?
00:50:53 Federal Wildlife Marshall.
00:50:55 Is the monkey in there?
00:50:56 The ape.
00:50:57 What?
00:50:58 Orangutan is a member of
00:51:00 It's not a monkey.
00:51:00 Who's the Federal Wildlife
00:51:03 Me or you?
00:51:04 That's what thought.
00:51:05 Can I use your-
00:51:09 Jay and Silent Bob-
00:51:13 Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
00:51:17 We are going to open fire.
00:51:21 What are you waiting for?
00:51:22 Get out there and give them the monkey.
00:51:26 Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?
00:51:28 Maybe they experiment on them...
00:51:30 by making them fuck a bunch of
00:51:32 We don't know.
00:51:34 You stay out of this,
00:51:36 Fuck, you're the guy
00:51:39 I don't have the fucking smarts of
00:51:45 kid.
00:51:47 Do not shoot!
00:51:52 We're just trying to take our son
00:51:55 Their son?
00:51:57 Maybe they're one of those gay couples?
00:51:58 Yeah, we're gay.
00:52:00 And this is our adopted love child.
00:52:02 We're not from around here.
00:52:04 Don't makes us go back to
00:52:06 with tales of prejudice
00:52:10 This is the last thing I need.
00:52:13 Uppity homosexuals shooting
00:52:15 liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
00:52:19 Are you fucking crazy?
00:52:21 but that's not their son-
00:52:24 I think I would recognize an ape
00:52:26 And the only thing
00:52:29 is a political fiasco that
00:52:32 by letting
00:52:39 You are free to leave, sirs.
00:52:43 Yes, you, sirs.
00:52:44 So we can just go?
00:52:46 Yes, sir.
00:52:47 Please accept my apology for
00:52:49 unorthodox but constitutionally
00:52:54 Un-fucking-believable.
00:52:56 I might add, that is one fine
00:53:00 That's because he's from my sperm.
00:53:02 K knocked up this hot,
00:53:04 who fuck on the side so as not to be
00:53:07 But my tubby husband-
00:53:10 He loves the cock.
00:53:12 He certainly looks insatiable.
00:53:15 Bye-bye.
00:53:23 It's not my way, but I'll be damned
00:53:28 Alright, gang-let's just shoot
00:53:31 and when the guys come out
00:53:33 Fuck beans!
00:53:35 That was them, wasn't it?
00:53:36 I said you love the cock.
00:53:39 I have to be the craftiest
00:53:45 Flee, fat-ass, flee!
00:53:55 Head for the sewer!
00:54:13 You fat fuck!
00:54:15 Fire a warning shot
00:54:19 Suck it in. Think thin!
00:54:22 One rectal breach coming up.
00:54:24 Suck it in!
00:54:26 Incoming!
00:54:37 Just like Winnie the Pooh.
00:54:43 That was an incredibly daring escape.
00:54:48 Here's the deal.
00:54:49 You and your men stay up here.
00:54:51 When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
00:54:55 I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
00:54:58 You've taught me so much.
00:55:11 Fuck this asshole.
00:55:13 Let's go back to the station and
00:55:22 Don't fuck your word...
00:55:27 Put the monkey down and your hands up!
00:55:31 Let's go, misters.
00:55:33 You want to get shot?
00:55:35 I didn't think so.
00:55:37 She doesn't want to go back to the lab.
00:55:40 And for the record...
00:55:42 And for the record,
00:55:45 I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
00:55:48 For one more record- he loves the cock.
00:55:52 On your knees, Texas Pete.
00:55:54 Let's go.
00:55:55 You see- he's lining us up like
00:55:58 I'm going first.
00:55:59 I don't want a mouth full of
00:56:02 if I gotta blow this G-man.
00:56:03 What are you talking about?
00:56:05 No one's gonna get blown here-
00:56:09 Shit!
00:56:13 These guys are good. Very good.
00:56:24 Hey, law-dog.
00:56:28 See you in Hell, cock-smoker.
00:56:32 Oh, Fuck me.
00:56:59 Get the fuck off her-
00:57:05 Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.
00:57:15 Who the fuck just steals a monkey?
00:57:20 Oh, yeah.
00:57:21 This blows.
00:57:22 We have one more day to stop
00:57:25 They took the one thing I had left
00:57:29 not to stick my hand down her pants.
00:57:33 Go after the monkey?
00:57:34 How do we know where that car is going?
00:57:39 Don't just point.
00:57:44 What, you gotta take a shit?
00:57:46 No, you gotta take a salad.
00:57:49 What the fuck are you trying to say?
00:57:51 Say it!
00:57:52 Don't make me ask twenty questions.
00:57:53 You could always tell that
00:57:56 but you can't spit out
00:57:59 "those are some good cheese fries".
00:58:03 Just fucking say it!
00:58:07 The sign on the back of the car...
00:58:10 said "Critters of Hollywood"...
00:58:13 you dumb fuck!
00:58:20 Say it, don't spray it.
00:58:24 And might I add, that is
00:58:35 If it isn't the wildlife expert.
00:58:38 Your office faxed this over.
00:58:40 The guy said it was a post from
00:58:43 signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.
00:58:48 "All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
00:58:51 "You are the ones who are ball lickers"
00:58:53 "We're gonna fuck your mothers
00:58:55 "like little bitches.
00:59:00 They're going to Hollywood.
00:59:26 It's not like cheating.
00:59:27 Justice blew up.
00:59:29 Here's the plan.
00:59:31 First we find out
00:59:33 And after we bust that shit up,
00:59:37 But before we do any of that,
00:59:38 we gotta find a mother fucker
00:59:40 Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.
00:59:42 Crack. Want some crack.
00:59:44 Get you high.
00:59:45 No, but do you want some weed?
00:59:48 Are you on the job?
00:59:50 Yeah. Jersey local 404.
00:59:54 Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.
00:59:57 - What up?
01:00:00 - Man, it's a small world.
01:00:02 Let me ask you a question.
01:00:03 You dudes getting medical out
01:00:06 No.
01:00:09 Norma Rae like a mother fucker.
01:00:12 Maybe you can help us out?
01:00:13 You know where they're shooting
01:00:15 You ask me a question like that
01:00:17 You got to come a little
01:00:20 It's a Miramax flick.
01:00:21 We gotta bust it up...
01:00:22 so people stop calling us names
01:00:24 even though they're not really
01:00:26 but characters based on us,
01:00:28 find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
01:00:33 Man, I don't know what the fuck
01:00:36 but you're special.
01:00:39 You reached out...
01:00:40 and you touched a brother's gear.
01:00:43 I'm gonna give you some directions.
01:00:45 Give me the map, Scott.
01:00:46 Give me the map, Scott!
01:00:48 You know where Miramax is?
01:00:50 Miramax accounts for 78%
01:00:57 Is Hollywood ready for
01:00:59 A source at a Federal Wildlife
01:01:02 that a posting was pulled off
01:01:06 allegedly written by
01:01:09 It's sending a shock-wave
01:01:12 Jules Asner is on the scene at
01:01:14 Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
01:01:18 after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
01:01:21 hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
01:01:25 for their next campaign of blood,
01:01:29 In a posting pulled off of Movie
01:01:32 the gruesome two-some threatened,
01:01:35 "Once we get to Hollywood and find
01:01:39 "who are making the Bluntman &
01:01:41 "we're gonna make them eat
01:01:46 "then eat their expletive deleted
01:01:50 "our expletive deleted that
01:01:53 So far we've been unable to
01:01:55 from anyone here at the Studio.
01:01:57 But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
01:02:00 None whatsoever.
01:02:01 But to be fair, no one is a
01:02:04 what Jay and Silent Bob
01:02:06 so for all we know they could
01:02:30 OK, he's got a pass.
01:02:35 We gotta play this just right.
01:02:48 You don't have a pass!
01:03:11 I hate how fake Hollywood is.
01:03:14 Where do you think you're going?
01:03:20 Echo base, I've got a 1007-
01:03:23 Requesting back-up.
01:03:25 I thought that was a 1082.
01:03:27 No, sir,
01:03:29 from Ben Affleck's trailer.
01:03:30 Oh, that Affleck.
01:03:32 Back-up on the way.
01:03:33 I'll make you a deal.
01:03:34 This guy will suck your
01:03:37 Contrary to what you believe...
01:03:38 not everyone in the industry
01:03:42 How about this deal?
01:03:44 He'll suck my dick while you
01:03:48 Alright.
01:03:51 Make it fast-and sexy.
01:03:54 It's either this or jail.
01:03:56 And you know
01:03:58 I was a guard.
01:04:04 And after it's all over you say,
01:04:19 What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?
01:04:20 Start sucking.
01:04:33 Worth a shot.
01:04:35 Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
01:04:38 Dude,
01:04:46 Remember what I said.
01:04:48 Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
01:04:53 Does everybody understand that?
01:04:55 Thank you.
01:05:00 You frosted your hair.
01:05:03 Yeah, I frosted my hair,
01:05:06 This has got to be the Bluntman flick.
01:05:09 There are those two fucks
01:05:11 Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?
01:05:13 Lion face! Lemon face!
01:05:18 Break it down.
01:05:20 Where we taking it from, Gus?
01:05:24 I'm busy.
01:05:26 You're a true artist, Gus.
01:05:27 Let's just take it from
01:05:28 You're the director now?
01:05:29 Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.
01:05:30 Let's remember who talked who...
01:05:31 into doing this shit in the first place
01:05:33 Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
01:05:35 I'm sorry I dragged you away from
01:05:39 who ride horses and like to play golf
01:05:41 touchy-feely picture
01:05:43 I take it you haven't seen
01:05:45 You're like a child.
01:05:46 What do I keep telling you?
01:05:47 You gotta do the safe picture-
01:05:50 And then sometimes you have to
01:05:52 because your friend says you owe him.
01:05:56 Then sometimes you have to
01:05:57 And then sometimes you do
01:05:59 That's just mean.
01:06:00 All we gotta do is figure out
01:06:06 Get over here.
01:06:08 You stand here,
01:06:11 Just stand here and react.
01:06:12 Don't say anything. Especially you.
01:06:16 That's pretty funny.
01:06:18 Lock it up, people,
01:06:21 Make it happen, guys.
01:06:23 - Get you fucking hands off me.
01:06:24 - Fuck off!
01:06:26 On the count of three,
01:06:28 beat the shit out of them,
01:06:30 they can't make that movie.
01:06:33 Ready? One... two... three!
01:06:37 "Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
01:06:45 Think about the paycheck.
01:06:53 Action, Gus?
01:06:55 Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.
01:07:00 I do remember the class.
01:07:03 But elementary.
01:07:05 I remember that class.
01:07:07 It was just between recess and lunch.
01:07:10 Are we gonna have a problem- again?
01:07:12 I was still just hoping you might
01:07:16 into the Southern Colonies.
01:07:19 Wood says...
01:07:21 What did I say?
01:07:23 You'd be back in here
01:07:25 But you forget about Vickers.
01:07:27 No, I just read Vickers.
01:07:29 So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".
01:07:31 But you're no longer the angry,
01:07:35 just itching to vent your frustrations.
01:07:39 You stopped hitting the books
01:07:41 and now I've read shit you haven't
01:07:47 Face facts, my friend.
01:07:48 You're just no longer that good...
01:07:51 Will Hunting.
01:07:56 Now how do you like them apples?
01:08:03 I don't like the sound of them apples,
01:08:05 What're we gonna do?
01:08:07 - Chuckie-
01:08:08 - Yeah?
01:08:09 Chuckie- it's hunting season.
01:08:16 Apple sauce, bitch.
01:08:21 Sorry to interrupt, but we've
01:08:24 Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?
01:08:25 Bullshit!
01:08:27 Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.
01:08:30 There they are!
01:08:32 Affleck,
01:09:16 Alright, you bastard,
01:09:23 Fucking Miramax! Cut!
01:09:28 Shannen, usually I say "Cut".
01:09:30 A monkey, Wes?
01:09:31 You guys aren't even trying anymore.
01:09:35 The market research
01:09:41 We love this monkey.
01:09:44 See.
01:09:46 Here they are.
01:10:06 Punch it!
01:10:11 Fuck!
01:10:20 Those are some magical guys.
01:10:36 Dude, I fucking knew it.
01:10:40 You love that shit, don't you?
01:10:45 Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.
01:10:47 Are you guys alright?
01:10:50 Let's get you guys on your feet.
01:11:03 Wait a second- aren't you the guy
01:11:07 You see, man - you see!
01:11:09 It's never, "Hey, you were in
01:11:12 Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"
01:11:15 It always comes back to
01:11:18 - You put your dick in a pie.
01:11:21 I'm Jason Biggs.
01:11:22 Did you really get to 3rd base with
01:11:26 You mean Shannon?
01:11:28 No.
01:11:29 She is fucking fine.
01:11:31 If I was you, I would've been like-
01:11:38 You like that?
01:11:41 What, you never did one of these?
01:11:48 I've done plenty of that, my friend.
01:11:51 Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
01:11:53 James- James Van Der Beek.
01:11:55 What's up with Pacey stealing
01:11:57 If I was you, I would have
01:11:59 Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.
01:12:04 Ever get to 3rd base with her?
01:12:06 There was this one time- Wait a minute,
01:12:10 They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.
01:12:13 - Right?
01:12:14 - Of course.
01:12:17 Stunt doubles for what?
01:12:19 For the move that we're shooting
01:12:21 Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.
01:12:23 You're doubling me, obviously,
01:12:25 I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill
01:12:28 - Bob.
01:12:30 And he's playing Chronic.
01:12:32 A.K.A. Ray.
01:12:34 Jay. Fuck!
01:12:35 Biggs, did you even read the script?
01:12:37 There's a script?
01:12:38 Hey, pie-fucker,
01:12:40 you would only last a day on
01:12:43 Wait second, we'll be right back.
01:12:45 Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".
01:12:46 Go to hell, Pacey.
01:12:51 These are the fucks that are playing us
01:12:52 You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.
01:12:56 Useless little ape.
01:12:59 What's with the weird,
01:13:02 Let me put my arm over yours.
01:13:03 What's gay about it?
01:13:05 It's two guys talking in a corner.
01:13:06 Why are you such a homophobe?
01:13:09 You're always like "That's gay,"
01:13:12 "look at that gay dog."
01:13:13 Dude, that is so gay-
01:13:14 Yeah, see.
01:13:16 - I love gay people.
01:13:19 - I'm sure you do.
01:13:19 Look at the monkey.
01:13:22 Now you're gonna tell me
01:13:24 How do you know
01:13:26 He's so cute.
01:13:30 You go in there and start swinging,
01:13:33 Hollywood fucks are out of commission.
01:13:35 Ready? Break!
01:13:44 That's one funky monkey.
01:13:48 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
01:13:50 There are two intruders on the lot.
01:13:53 They crashed through a window
01:13:56 Yeah, they're in here.
01:13:59 Do they have you held hostage?
01:14:00 Should we call your publicist?
01:14:02 No.
01:14:03 We kicked those guys assess bad.
01:14:06 Real bad.
01:14:08 Great job, sirs.
01:14:10 If you'll let us in,
01:14:12 No,
01:14:15 Butt-naked. Together.
01:14:17 Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
01:14:34 How are we gonna get out
01:14:42 You've got the wrong guys.
01:14:43 Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
01:14:45 I'm a teen idol, dammit!
01:14:47 Don't you recognize me?
01:14:48 Look at me.
01:14:50 I'm the pie-fucker!
01:14:53 In prison, he'll be the pie.
01:14:59 This was a good idea, lunch-box.
01:15:00 In these outfits...
01:15:02 we're totally incognito.
01:15:03 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
01:15:06 Great, you've changed costumes already.
01:15:08 Let's get you to the set.
01:15:09 The director doesn't like
01:15:14 Look at all these crackers.
01:15:15 70 million dollars
01:15:18 It's a shame. It's a damn shame!
01:15:20 Here's your coffee, sir.
01:15:23 - You spit in this?
01:15:25 Any boogers in it?
01:15:26 There's no boogers in it, sir.
01:15:27 You went to film school, didn't you?
01:15:29 Must piss you off to see a black man
01:15:33 Go to the school.
01:15:35 Does your daddy know that
01:15:38 It would kill him, wouldn't it?
01:15:41 - There's no boogers in it, sir.
01:15:43 Taste the booger flavor.
01:15:46 I know it's in there.
01:15:48 It's all good, sir.
01:15:49 No it ain't all good.
01:15:50 Clean that shit up.
01:15:51 Get me a white boy.
01:15:53 Get me a blond haired,
01:15:57 - You're the man, sir.
01:15:57 - No, you're the man
01:16:00 Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
01:16:03 We met a few weeks back.
01:16:05 I'm the executive Producer.
01:16:07 Oh, you're the Executive Producer.
01:16:09 Why don't you executive produce me
01:16:12 Okay, Fuck it?
01:16:14 - It's Banky.
01:16:14 No, its' Fuck it!
01:16:16 I just want you to know that
01:16:18 I 'm something of an artist myself.
01:16:20 I was the inker on the comic book.
01:16:22 You're a tracer, okay?
01:16:24 Nobody got the heart to tell you.
01:16:25 You trace.
01:16:26 You go around the lines.
01:16:26 You are a tracer!
01:16:28 You think Fat Alber had a tracer?
01:16:30 No.
01:16:30 Bill Cosby did the whole thing
01:16:32 And it was excellent.
01:16:36 Crack, crack, cracker?
01:16:38 Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
01:16:40 I don't see them!
01:16:42 Where are the stars of
01:17:00 Damn, this must've set them back
01:17:07 Look at this.
01:17:08 A gay hood ornament
01:17:11 Who the fuck are you?
01:17:12 Who the fuck am I?
01:17:12 I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.
01:17:14 That's who the fuck I am.
01:17:15 Wait a second.
01:17:16 I though Banky and Holden
01:17:18 And I 'm stealing it.
01:17:19 I'm taking it back for the black man...
01:17:21 to make up for all the shit you
01:17:25 Do you know that I came up for
01:17:27 I came up with it before PBS.
01:17:29 The white man stole it.
01:17:31 I was gonna call it
01:17:34 Catchy, ain't it?
01:17:37 Enough of this small talk.
01:17:38 Let's shoot.
01:17:40 Aren't you gonna direct us?
01:17:41 I will start directing you to the
01:17:43 if you don't stop back-talking me,
01:17:46 We don't know what we're doing.
01:17:47 We didn't read the script.
01:17:48 It ain't hard.
01:17:49 I film the mother fucker.
01:17:51 Then I yell "Cut!"
01:17:52 And run the fuck out of here
01:17:55 cause I got more white girls there than
01:17:59 And they all want a party in my movie,
01:18:01 and I got just the part for me.
01:18:02 So are you ready to do this?
01:18:04 Let's roll with the new.
01:18:07 Quiet on the set, everyone.
01:18:10 I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.
01:18:15 You guys look pretty bad-ass.
01:18:17 "Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
01:18:26 What're you waiting for?
01:18:27 Action!
01:18:33 Um... snoochy-boochies.
01:18:40 What the fuck?
01:18:51 You thought I'd never find
01:18:55 did you, Hemp Knight?
01:18:57 But now, you and your sidekick...
01:19:02 are finally
01:19:10 Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
01:19:12 Actually,
01:19:15 You're gonna love it.
01:19:16 True story.
01:19:20 Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.
01:19:29 I think George Lucas
01:19:33 Any last words before I bust
01:20:24 Duck, pie-fucker.
01:20:28 Damn, these white boys can't fight.
01:20:31 Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.
01:20:39 Yo! Bitch-fists!
01:20:44 Call me Darth-balls.
01:20:48 Good Lord.
01:20:54 That wasn't in the script.
01:21:24 So this is Hollywood?
01:21:26 Then lights, camera, action,
01:21:34 Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
01:21:37 ...My God...
01:21:46 Sorry, everyone.
01:21:48 That was supposed to be a warning shot.
01:21:49 I'm obviously on the wrong set.
01:21:52 Is he gonna be okay?
01:21:56 Not good.
01:22:03 You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
01:22:14 This movie's gonna make "House Party"
01:22:16 - Or "House Party 3".
01:22:18 - Shut the fuck up.
01:22:21 Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?
01:22:29 Can I get a "cut!" here?
01:22:36 Not again.
01:22:39 Now who's balls have been busted, bitch
01:22:42 That's it! I'm out of here.
01:22:43 Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
01:22:47 What the fuck?
01:22:48 The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
01:22:50 Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
01:22:53 Federal Wildlife Marshall.
01:22:55 Everyone stay cool.
01:22:57 Go back to making your adult movie.
01:22:58 These men are the leaders of
01:23:00 wanted for the abduction of
01:23:03 They didn't really steal that monkey.
01:23:04 It was just a diversion so
01:23:08 And they're not the leaders of
01:23:09 The C.L.I.T. Is not real.
01:23:11 Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.
01:23:13 It's real.
01:23:14 It's the female orgasm- that's the myth
01:23:17 You know what I 'm talking about?
01:23:19 Are you guys alright?
01:23:20 I thought you blew up,
01:23:22 You remembered.
01:23:25 It was a frame-up, Jay.
01:23:28 Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
01:23:32 We were setting you up to be a patsy...
01:23:34 but I couldn't go through with it
01:23:37 because I love you.
01:23:39 Yeah?
01:23:41 Of course.
01:23:42 If she does
01:23:44 Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
01:23:48 Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?
01:23:50 You should've just let these guys
01:23:53 I wanted to go down,
01:23:55 and said "Listen" and I was like
01:23:56 Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
01:23:59 in you pansy red booties.
01:24:01 Holy shit,
01:24:03 Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
01:24:05 Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
01:24:07 I can't do that, Sissy.
01:24:08 Then lover-boy gets one
01:24:12 Yo! Lovely ladies!
01:24:14 Would any of you like
01:24:16 Bring that ass over. C'mon!
01:24:38 Cray crackers with guns.
01:24:39 Time to get my black ass outta here.
01:24:47 You really let me down, Justice.
01:24:48 Throwing it all away for a little
01:24:51 What's it gonna be, Sissy?
01:24:52 Which fighting style do you want me
01:24:55 Are you kidding me?
01:24:56 I taught you all your moves myself.
01:24:58 There's no style you can bust
01:25:00 You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.
01:25:02 But I'll bury you
01:25:04 A little Venus Fly-trap?
01:25:06 I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
01:25:08 How about a little "Bitch, my man
01:25:11 Bring it on.
01:25:18 I hope one of them rips off
01:25:20 and we see some titties flopping
01:25:24 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
01:25:28 Banky-fucking Edwards!
01:25:30 Just the mother fucker we came to see.
01:25:32 What the fuck are you guys doing here?
01:25:40 Why the hell are you shooting at me?
01:25:42 Two reasons.
01:25:43 One- we're walking-taking
01:25:46 And two- because you're a man!
01:25:50 Only on the outside.
01:25:52 Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
01:25:54 All these assholes on the internet
01:25:56 because of this fucking stupid movie.
01:25:58 That's what the internet is for-
01:26:01 Stopping the flick
01:26:09 This isn't fair.
01:26:10 We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
01:26:12 We stole a monkey, we got shot at...
01:26:15 and I got punched
01:26:17 by a guy named Cock-knocker.
01:26:20 I feel for you boys, I really do.
01:26:22 But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...
01:26:24 paid me a shitload of money for
01:26:27 So it occurs to me that people
01:26:30 is none of my fucking concern!
01:26:33 Oh, but I think it is.
01:26:39 We had a deal with you on the comics-
01:26:42 And as we're not only
01:26:44 but also the character basis...
01:26:46 for your intellectual property,
01:26:48 when said property was optioned
01:26:51 you were legally obliged to
01:26:54 to transfer the concept
01:26:57 As you failed to do that, Banky...
01:26:59 you are in breach of
01:27:02 Ergo, you find yourself...
01:27:03 in a very actionable position.
01:27:11 You guys are gonna ruin my movie career
01:27:13 We want something
01:27:15 Tell you what-
01:27:17 I'll give you half of what I make.
01:27:19 Half?
01:27:20 Half's not good enough?
01:27:21 Fine. I'll give you two thirds.
01:27:23 Fuck you, you already said half.
01:27:24 You can't take it back.
01:27:26 Done.
01:27:33 Your shit is so tired, Justice.
01:27:36 Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!
01:27:50 Hello? Truce?
01:27:56 I think I killed both of them.
01:27:59 I am an excellent marksman.
01:28:00 I've always-
01:28:05 C'mon, you guys, it's over.
01:28:11 Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?
01:28:13 I was just about to jump in
01:28:17 The cops!
01:28:18 We gotta get out of here.
01:28:20 I'm tired of running.
01:28:23 Marshall... are you awake?
01:28:26 Wake up.
01:28:28 My God! I'm paralyzed.
01:28:32 That monkey shot me in the ass
01:28:36 Oh, sweet irony!
01:28:39 You're not paralyzed.
01:28:39 It was just a tranquilizer.
01:28:43 Jesus.
01:28:45 Tranqued by a little monkey.
01:28:47 My friends in the Bureau will
01:28:51 You have friends in the FBI?
01:28:53 They all made it in
01:28:55 Why else do you think I became a
01:28:59 I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!
01:29:02 Maybe not.
01:29:04 I can make you a deal
01:29:06 regardless of test scores.
01:29:08 What kind of deal?
01:29:10 You get the charges dropped
01:29:12 and say you never found the ape.
01:29:14 In exchange I will give you
01:29:16 and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
01:29:19 But I want a reduced sentence.
01:29:20 You'd be willing to do that?
01:29:26 For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
01:29:35 I'm a international jewel thief
01:29:39 That's alright.
01:29:41 If I go to prison will you wait for me?
01:29:43 I don't know.
01:29:45 Will you fuck me when you get out?
01:29:54 Don't change the subject.
01:29:55 Will we fuck when you get out?
01:29:56 Snoogens.
01:30:05 There's a lot of love in the room.
01:30:09 Regardless of what you may here heard,
01:30:14 Okay.
01:30:16 Play it cool, hotshot.
01:30:22 Sorry, Justice. We have to go.
01:30:26 And stop stealing monkeys.
01:30:28 - Fuck you!
01:30:29 - Fair enough.
01:30:35 Wait for me.
01:30:37 What? Here?
01:30:52 Well, boys- you're rich, in love-
01:30:56 You're in love-
01:30:57 And to top it off
01:30:59 What more could two guys from
01:31:02 To have these fucks stop talking
01:31:04 What've I been telling you?
01:31:06 There's not much you can do
01:31:08 Short of showing up at their house
01:31:19 All the money we're making could
01:31:29 Yeah?
01:31:30 Do you post as Magnolia Fan
01:31:33 Yeah!
01:31:36 Did you write
01:31:40 "Fuck them in their stupid asses"?
01:31:43 Yeah, a while ago. So?
01:31:54 On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
01:31:59 quote, "fucking clown shoes
01:32:02 "I'd kick the shit out of them for
01:32:04 - Yeah.
01:32:27 That's right. That's it.
01:32:34 Right. That's right.
01:33:03 That's beautiful, man.
01:33:05 That was worse than Clash Of The Titans
01:33:07 I can't believe Judy Dench played me.
01:33:10 Remind me to renew
01:33:13 Why?
01:33:14 I am gonna blast that
01:33:16 Why can't Hollywood ever makes
01:33:19 Tell me, Steve-Dave.
01:33:20 Would you stop saying that?
01:33:22 That was just another paean
01:33:25 and its refusal to grow up.
01:33:27 Yeah, sis,
01:33:29 At least Holden had the good
01:33:33 Why wouldn't Miramax option his
01:33:36 The one with you and him
01:33:40 Chasing Amy?
01:33:42 That would never work as a movie.
01:33:44 I'm so fucking embarrassed.
01:33:46 Honey, you should be.
01:33:48 They took your characters...
01:33:49 and turned them into one
01:33:52 It was like watching Batman
01:33:54 Thank, that means a lot coming from
01:33:57 as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
01:34:00 I don't hear you complaining nightly.
01:34:02 I don't get out to the movies much,
01:34:04 Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.
01:34:07 Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
01:34:10 Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
01:34:14 The party's across the street featuring
01:34:17 Morris Day and the Time.
01:34:39 I...
01:34:41 I... I been watching you.
01:34:43 I think I want to know you.
01:34:46 I said... I’m a little dangerous.
01:34:50 Girl I'd love to show you...
01:34:54 my jungle love.
01:36:07 I'd be like, "What, you don't know
01:36:10 the fucking mack-daddies of
01:36:13 And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
01:36:15 "are a couple of little fuck-holes!"
01:36:58 I got a bear skinned rug.
01:37:02 I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.
01:37:06 We're all the way live in L.A.
01:37:09 Oh, the things I could do to you.