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Jerk The en
00:00:53	I am not a bum.
00:00:56	I'm a jerk.
00:01:00	I once had wealth...
00:01:03	...power...
00:01:05	...and the love of a beautiful woman.
00:01:09	Now l only have two things...
00:01:14	...my friends...
00:01:17	...and...
00:01:24	...my thermos.
00:01:36	My story?
00:01:47	Okay.
00:01:51	It was never easy for me.
00:01:55	I was born a poor black child.
00:02:01	I remember the days...
00:02:03	...sitting on the porch with my family...
00:02:06	...singing and dancing...
00:02:09	...down in Mississippi.
00:02:18	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:20	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:23	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:25	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:27	-"Gonna jump down, turn around
00:02:30	-"Gonna jump down, turn around
00:02:32	-"Jump down, turn around
00:02:34	-"Jump down, turn around
00:02:37	-"Me and my buddy gonna
00:02:39	-"Me and my buddy gonna
00:02:42	-"Me and my buddy gonna
00:02:44	-"Me and my buddy gonna
00:02:46	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:49	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:51	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:54	-"Oh, lordy
00:02:56	-"Gonna get on my knees
00:02:58	-"Gonna get on my knees
00:03:01	-"Gonna move all around
00:03:03	-"Gonna move all around
00:03:05	-"You want a barebacked man
00:03:08	-"You want a barebacked man
00:03:10	-"Jump down, turn around
00:03:13	-"Jump down, turn around
00:03:15	Boy, l hope everybody's good and hungry.
00:03:17	-I know l am.
00:03:20	Here's corn bread.
00:03:22	Collard greens.
00:03:26	Mother, dear,
00:03:29	No, l'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
00:03:35	Happy birthday!.
00:03:37	It's Navin's birthday!.
00:03:38	And l cooked you up your favorite meal.
00:03:42	Tuna fish salad on white bread
00:03:45	...a Tab and a couple of Twinkies.
00:03:48	-Here, darling.
00:03:51	You're gonna like that shit, man.
00:03:56	I got you a present.
00:03:59	-Gee, Elvira.
00:04:01	We got you something, too. A half bottle
00:04:07	I drew you this picture.
00:04:09	-Here.
00:04:12	I want you to have my Zippo.
00:04:17	Dad, you had this since the war.
00:04:24	Thanks.
00:04:27	Thanks, everybody.
00:04:30	God bless us...
00:04:32	...everyone.
00:04:35	Navin!.
00:04:41	Will you pass me the potatoes
00:04:44	-Navin, darling.
00:04:48	You didn't spoil the party.
00:04:55	I brought you a Twinkie.
00:04:59	I'm not hungry right now.
00:05:03	Feeling different again?
00:05:06	It's like l don't fit in.
00:05:10	It's your birthday, and it's time you knew.
00:05:14	You're not our natural-born child.
00:05:22	I'm not?
00:05:25	You were left on our doorstep...
00:05:28	...but we raised you
00:05:31	You mean l'm going to stay this color?
00:05:38	I'd love you if you were the color
00:05:51	Navin, l wrapped your sandwich
00:05:57	You want to come in and sing some blues?
00:06:01	No, thanks, Taj.
00:06:03	There's something about those songs.
00:06:06	They depress me.
00:06:09	Come here, darling.
00:06:20	That's it, darling.
00:06:24	You're getting the rhythm. See?
00:06:35	And that concludes
00:06:38	...live from the
00:06:40	...at the Divine Salvation
00:06:43	The Reverend Willard Willman, Pastor.
00:06:46	And now, music throughout the night.
00:06:48	Music in a mellow mood.
00:08:05	-Grandma!.
00:08:08	-Look!.
00:08:10	Don't touch that radio!. Don't touch it!.
00:08:13	Turn it up!. Turn it up!.
00:08:15	I've never heard music like this before!.
00:08:18	It speaks to me!. Taj!. Dad!.
00:08:21	This is unbelievable. Now watch.
00:08:27	Yeah?
00:08:29	Well, if this is out there,
00:08:33	This is the kind of music that tells me
00:08:39	-But Navin--
00:08:51	Now that you're going out into the world...
00:08:54	...there's something you should know.
00:08:58	-You see that?
00:09:00	That's shit.
00:09:03	And this is Shinola.
00:09:09	Shit.
00:09:11	Shinola.
00:09:13	Son, you're gonna be all right.
00:09:16	Now, what town
00:09:19	I thought l'd go to St. Louis 'cause
00:09:23	And remember,
00:09:27	-"Lord loves a working man."
00:09:30	...don't never, ever trust Whitey.
00:09:32	"Don't trust Whitey. Lord loves
00:09:38	Baby.
00:09:40	Daddy.
00:09:44	Pierre. Come here.
00:09:47	Don't you forget to grow up now.
00:09:49	-Good luck, brother.
00:09:54	Okay, let the boy go.
00:09:56	-Bye.
00:09:59	And l hope you find
00:10:05	I will, Ma. I know it's out there.
00:10:08	It's out there, all right. If you catch it,
00:10:12	-"See a doctor and get rid of it."
00:10:15	"Lord loves a working man.
00:10:17	"See a doctor and get rid of it."
00:10:21	Bye, Grandma!.
00:10:36	I sure do miss Navin.
00:10:41	Is he ever coming back?
00:10:44	Take away his place setting.
00:10:53	I wonder if he's doing all right?
00:10:56	Navin!. How you doing?
00:10:58	Don't worry about me.
00:11:02	No, wait. It's a truck!.
00:11:06	Lord...
00:11:08	...take care of our little boy.
00:11:16	-I'm hitchhiking.
00:11:19	St. Louis. How far are you going?
00:11:21	To the end of this fence.
00:11:24	Okay.
00:11:30	I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?
00:11:33	-Here we are.
00:11:41	Thanks for the company.
00:11:44	I hope l can repay you someday.
00:12:39	Well, what is it, boy? Are you lost?
00:12:42	Do you want to play? ls it trouble?
00:12:47	Trouble?
00:12:50	Is it an accident?
00:12:52	A drowning?
00:12:53	A fire?
00:12:55	Fire!.
00:13:00	We've got to warn everybody!.
00:13:03	I've heard about dogs like you.
00:13:07	You're going to get your picture taken,
00:13:11	This is exciting!.
00:13:12	You saved my life!.
00:13:19	Fire!. It's a fire!. Fire!. There's a fire!.
00:13:22	Everybody!. Up!. Wake up!. It's a fire!.
00:13:25	It's a fire!.
00:13:28	He's unbelievable!. He's some dog!.
00:13:32	That's what l'll call him, too!.
00:13:40	Folks!. False alarm. There's no fire.
00:13:45	Mister, don't call that dog "Lifesaver."
00:13:48	-No?
00:13:52	Good. "Shithead."
00:13:55	It's exciting.
00:13:57	It's just exciting to have
00:14:01	A guy and his dog.
00:14:07	St. Louis?
00:14:09	No. Navin Johnson.
00:14:11	No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?
00:14:14	-Okay, thanks.
00:14:19	This'll be fine right here.
00:14:31	Thank you.
00:14:35	-Where you going?
00:14:37	-Got to have a key.
00:14:40	My key is for customers who buy gas.
00:14:44	I'm buying gas.
00:14:46	I don't see no car.
00:14:48	I just need enough for my lighter.
00:14:50	Look at this!.
00:14:51	And my wife wanted me to stay home.
00:14:55	A complete fill-up for a whole lighter?
00:14:57	-It's on that wall.
00:15:08	-And don't walk away with it.
00:15:13	Pop-top.
00:15:14	Silver Bird, l'm talking to you!.
00:15:17	Listen, you want to be
00:15:21	-Sure!.
00:15:25	Then l'll be president of Texaco Oil?
00:15:29	Whatever happened
00:15:31	Working for me 10 minutes, and already
00:15:35	Get to work in there!.
00:15:37	But, sir, l don't work here.
00:15:40	Not even for $1 .10 an hour?
00:16:08	"Dear Folks, l got this greatjob
00:16:11	"l don't want to say
00:16:13	"...but let'sjust say it's a lot!
00:16:16	"l'm enclosing $2!"
00:16:18	That's a good boy!.
00:16:20	"lt's a lot of fun working,
00:16:24	"He's teaching me how to be impatient.
00:16:27	"Well, l've got to go now. What do you
00:16:35	-You actually sleep here?
00:16:39	Come with me.
00:16:42	Put the light on.
00:16:47	Like it? l love it!. This is fabulous!.
00:16:52	You got the toilet here!.
00:16:55	This must be the kitchen. No.
00:16:59	You know what l could do...
00:17:00	...is take this wall
00:17:03	...so l've got a larger living space...
00:17:05	...plus it'll create a flow into
00:17:09	No, l'll just elevate this about six inches...
00:17:12	...create the illusion of two rooms,
00:17:15	Then l can take bookshelves
00:17:19	No, l'll put the books right over here.
00:17:23	...the customers can use the urinal. I won't
00:17:27	Take it easy. It's not here. It's in here.
00:17:32	I couldn't afford this anyway.
00:17:35	Well, this is it.
00:17:38	It's perfect!.
00:17:39	I won't have to change this at all!.
00:17:42	Take a look.
00:17:43	No kitchen, no windows,
00:17:46	It's a masterpiece of understatement.
00:17:49	I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.
00:17:53	You'll be set for life.
00:17:57	How much is this gonna cost me?
00:18:00	Nothing. When you're rich and famous,
00:18:05	A postcard?
00:18:13	Okay!. It's a deal.
00:18:17	It's a deal.
00:18:20	What are those?
00:18:21	Step outside for a second, darling.
00:18:24	Navin, this is my wife Lenore.
00:18:27	Pleased to meet you.
00:18:29	Do you know why a woman
00:18:32	'Cause l make a comfortable living.
00:18:34	This is the first time
00:18:37	If anything should happen to this station,
00:18:43	In other words, there would be no more....
00:18:46	-Do you know what l'm talking about?
00:18:51	So remember,
00:18:54	...because my sex life is in your hands.
00:19:09	I can fix those shocks.
00:19:11	No. We just want some gas, muchacho.
00:19:14	Okay. But it's Sunday.
00:19:18	And all the cash is locked up?
00:19:20	No, not locked up. We got a lot of cash.
00:19:25	...and l'm not allowed to have cash
00:19:27	I'm alone for the first time.
00:19:31	You flash this kind of wad in front
00:19:35	So, we've got to have a credit card.
00:19:37	Have we got a credit card in there?
00:19:40	Credit card.
00:19:49	No, thanks. I don't smoke.
00:19:51	-What kind of cigarette is that?
00:19:53	Joint?
00:19:55	They don't make 'em very good.
00:19:56	-MasterCharge do?
00:20:00	You want a fill-up, Mrs. Nussbaum?
00:20:06	I'm Mr. Nussbaum.
00:20:08	Yeah, that's his wife's card.
00:20:11	-His wife's card?
00:20:14	Okay, as long as we got a voucher.
00:20:28	Stolen!.
00:20:50	I got it!. Just send a police car over.
00:20:54	Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card!.
00:21:00	Hold on, they're calling me!.
00:21:07	-Yes?
00:21:11	Put it on the card. Radials.
00:21:13	-Make them whitewalls.
00:21:24	I'm back, only it's worse than l thought.
00:21:26	They're not only sticking us for gas,
00:21:30	They're really socking it to us.
00:21:32	Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station
00:21:35	Hang on a second.
00:21:40	Don't worry, l can keep 'em here.
00:21:47	-Got your tires!.
00:22:34	-Anything else?
00:22:36	We'll take that money
00:22:40	Sure. I'll just put it on the card.
00:22:44	Guess what!.
00:22:47	You won a free oven mitt!.
00:22:50	I'll go get it for you.
00:23:07	Yeah, l'm back.
00:23:11	Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while.
00:23:15	You guys want to stick around
00:23:24	Hang on just a second.
00:23:52	They might not be here
00:23:57	...it's a blue Chevy two-door.
00:24:01	And it'd be going south on Hertado Street.
00:24:05	No, l can't make out
00:24:09	...it'd be pulling a small church.
00:24:12	Any blue Chevy pulling a small church
00:24:17	Believe me, l'm not mad at you.
00:24:20	What's the matter with you?
00:24:26	Look at the bright side.
00:24:29	Mr. Hartounian.
00:24:37	Oh, my God!.
00:24:41	Thank you.
00:24:51	The new phone book's here!.
00:24:54	I wish l could get that excited
00:24:56	Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73!.
00:24:59	"Johnson, Navin R."
00:25:03	I'm somebody now!. Millions of people
00:25:07	This is the kind of spontaneous publicity...
00:25:10	...your name in print, that makes people!.
00:25:14	I'm in print!.
00:25:17	Things are going to start happening
00:25:24	"Johnson, Navin R."
00:25:26	Sounds like a typical bastard.
00:25:33	Die, Navin R. Johnson.
00:25:39	Bastard!.
00:25:40	Random son of a bitch,
00:25:44	-Fill 'er up?
00:25:47	-Stan Fox, buying gas.
00:25:51	Gotcha, you average...
00:25:53	...typical blocking-the-view-
00:25:58	-Check your oil?
00:26:01	Oil rag at the ready, sir!.
00:26:03	-Let's check the oil together.
00:26:06	Thank you.
00:26:10	Son-of-a-blocking bastard!.
00:26:12	Looks good to me, sir,
00:26:15	Damn these glasses.
00:26:17	It looks good to me, too.
00:26:20	I'm going to the john. Don't forget
00:26:24	Yes, sir!. I damn thee!.
00:26:28	Damn!.
00:26:33	Damn these glasses!.
00:26:37	-I can fix those glasses.
00:26:39	Well, here, fix those suckers!.
00:26:53	Shit!.
00:27:14	Guess what? l fixed 'em.
00:27:18	I was back there thinking...
00:27:19	..."What causes glasses to slip on and off?. "
00:27:23	And it's because
00:27:25	...you're putting pressure on the frames.
00:27:27	It causes them to spread.
00:27:29	So l put a little handle
00:27:33	...that puts the pressure on the bridge.
00:27:35	Just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.
00:27:37	Plus, l put a little nose brake on here
00:27:42	Use the handle.
00:27:47	Well, l'll be.
00:27:50	It works.
00:27:53	I make a pretty good living
00:27:56	If l can develop this gizmo,
00:28:00	How much for the gas?
00:28:03	-$26.41 .
00:28:06	Thanks!.
00:28:11	Dead center!. Say your prayers, half-breed!.
00:28:24	Harry!. Look at this!.
00:28:27	What's the matter with these cans?
00:28:31	Die, milk-face!.
00:28:36	These cans are defective.
00:28:39	Come and look at this.
00:28:42	You better run for cover
00:28:45	We don't have defective cans.
00:28:51	He hates these cans.
00:28:55	Stay away from the cans!.
00:28:57	Die, gas pumper!.
00:29:00	I've got to get away from those cans!.
00:29:02	There's cans in there, too!.
00:29:04	Run!. Run!.
00:29:09	More cans!.
00:29:11	Die, you bastard!.
00:29:15	He doesn't want to put holes in cans.
00:29:19	What?
00:29:23	Milk-faced bastard!.
00:29:26	Oh, my God!. I'm endangering your life!.
00:29:29	-Cover me!.
00:29:31	Suck my toes!.
00:29:38	You stay here!. I'll distract him!.
00:29:56	Shithead!. Come on!.
00:30:00	Come on, boy!. Good boy!.
00:30:32	"Carnival personnel only." Damn!.
00:30:40	Shithead, come on!.
00:30:42	You're not carnival personnel!.
00:30:49	He's not carnival personnel!.
00:30:54	Okay, move it out!.
00:31:01	"So, Mom, when l told Mr. Hartounian
00:31:05	"'Don't be a putz.
00:31:07	"'See the world. Me you've seen already.'
00:31:09	"l took his advice and got a job with
00:31:14	"Frosty, my boss, told me
00:31:18	"Enclosed is $4.75 for my loving family.
00:31:22	"P.S. Is grandma still farting?"
00:31:25	For $1, l'll guess your weight,
00:31:30	The most exciting thing on the midway.
00:31:33	Imagine the thrill of getting
00:31:38	You can blow up your cheeks,
00:31:41	...but you're not going to fool the guesser!.
00:31:43	How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!.
00:31:46	Honey, let's see how good this guy is.
00:31:51	Anything in this general area right in here.
00:31:55	Anything below the stereo and
00:31:59	Anything between the ashtrays
00:32:03	Anything in this three inches
00:32:07	That includes the Chiclets,
00:32:10	No, sir!. Come on, honey.
00:32:12	He thought he had himself a rube.
00:32:17	Frosty, l'm no good at this.
00:32:20	Come on. You're doing fine.
00:32:22	I've already given away eight pencils,
00:32:26	...and l've only taken in $15.
00:32:28	Navin, you have taken in $15...
00:32:31	...and given away 50 cents worth of crap!.
00:32:35	Which gives us a net profit of $14.50.
00:32:44	It's a profit deal.
00:32:49	Takes the pressure off.
00:32:52	Get your weight guessed right here!.
00:32:55	Actual weight guessing!. Take a chance,
00:33:00	Ladies and gentlemen...
00:33:03	...l draw your attention now
00:33:08	Presenting the amazing Patti Bernstein...
00:33:13	...doing her special ride...
00:33:16	...through the Flaming Wall of Death!
00:34:24	Want to guess my weight, Greenie?
00:34:26	I saw you last night. You were great.
00:34:29	Yeah, right. Turn around.
00:34:32	What?
00:34:34	Turn around.
00:34:37	Go like this.
00:34:43	You're okay.
00:34:47	What about germs?
00:34:49	Put a rubber on it.
00:34:54	Get on.
00:35:02	Don't you wear him out!.
00:35:11	What a great place!.
00:35:16	You know, you can tell so much
00:35:20	Just looking around here, l can tell...
00:35:22	...you're a genuinely dirty person.
00:35:29	What do l do with this?
00:35:34	You keep it there.
00:35:40	Where's your garbage?
00:35:45	There.
00:35:50	-Do you know what l'd like to do?
00:35:54	Guess your weight.
00:35:56	That would be interesting for me.
00:35:58	No one has tried to guess my weight.
00:36:00	-I guess their weight so it would be sort--
00:36:06	This will give me
00:36:14	You're really trying to be accurate.
00:36:22	Is it getting hot in here?
00:36:25	Wait a minute!.
00:36:27	What's happening to my special purpose?
00:36:30	What's your special purpose?
00:36:31	When l was a kid, my mom told me
00:36:35	...and someday l'd find out
00:36:38	Today's the day!.
00:36:45	This is like a ride!.
00:36:49	"My dear family, guess what?
00:36:53	"Today l found out
00:37:00	"Gosh, what a great time l had.
00:37:03	"l wish the whole family
00:37:08	"Maybe some other time...
00:37:11	"...as l intend to do this a lot...
00:37:15	"...every chance l get.
00:37:18	"l think next week
00:37:21	"...as l may have extra work.
00:37:24	"My friend Patti promised me a blow job.
00:37:28	"Your loving son, Navin."
00:37:30	And he's got the kisses here.
00:37:35	-That Patti must be a sweet girl.
00:38:06	Do you think we'll get to know each other
00:38:10	We don't have to. You're my man.
00:38:13	It's like we're married. Look at my ass.
00:38:18	You have my last name tattooed
00:38:23	First l get my name in the phone book,
00:38:27	You know, l'll bet more people
00:38:45	End of the line.
00:38:46	This is Engineer Fred.
00:38:54	Billy!.
00:39:02	Have you seen a 5-year-old boy, blond hair,
00:39:06	No, there was just one kid had a T-shirt
00:39:11	We got off the Round-Up,
00:39:15	There he is!. Billy!.
00:39:17	-Come back here!.
00:39:19	Pull that lever!. Pull the lever!.
00:39:21	Here, hold that!. And these!.
00:39:25	Take my keys. And hold my wallet. Okay.
00:39:30	Don't touch the Johnson bar,
00:39:33	And if the Wolfe and Smith
00:39:36	-...turn that off there.
00:39:39	There's a screwdriver.
00:39:43	Listen, we're going into a tunnel.
00:39:45	Don't stand up.
00:39:48	-No.
00:39:50	I was protected by the bill
00:40:09	Thanks for pulling my cap down.
00:40:15	You scared me half to death.
00:40:19	It would've been so embarrassing
00:40:21	Here's your gloves
00:40:28	And this fell out.
00:40:32	Those guys!.
00:40:34	Listen, what you did just now
00:40:39	Is there some way l could repay you?
00:40:41	Repay me?
00:40:43	I could never accept anything from you
00:40:46	He's not my child.
00:40:51	-Would it be too much if l asked for a kiss?
00:40:58	He's a real little dickens.
00:41:08	Thank you.
00:41:14	Miss?
00:41:17	I was just standing here right now,
00:41:20	...wondering, if you weren't
00:41:26	...maybe you might want to go out with....
00:41:31	What?
00:41:33	I thought maybe you might
00:41:38	Are you trying to ask me for a date?
00:41:44	Once for no, twice for yes.
00:41:51	Okay.
00:41:54	You're so cute.
00:41:56	How about 3:30 tomorrow
00:41:59	Okay.
00:42:04	Do you have any boyfriends?
00:42:07	Not really.
00:42:09	Are they crazy? lf l was a fella,
00:42:13	Well, see if you can work it out.
00:42:16	We have a date tomorrow.
00:42:19	What's your name?
00:42:22	Marie.
00:42:24	What's yours?
00:42:26	I'll tell you tomorrow. It'll give us
00:42:48	Hi!.
00:42:49	What's up, hubby?
00:42:53	I got these for you.
00:42:58	Thanks.
00:42:59	Navin, you know the other day
00:43:03	Yeah.
00:43:05	Well, l forgot to tell you something.
00:43:07	-Really? What?
00:43:15	That's what's going to happen to you if
00:43:21	I'm glad you told me.
00:43:22	And remember, l did this without anger.
00:43:27	And l stayed away from your crotch.
00:43:31	Bye, sweetie.
00:43:35	-Hi!.
00:43:38	It was unbelievable.
00:43:41	They tried to get these flowers.
00:43:45	It's kind of a traditional date deal.
00:43:47	Yeah, l've heard of that. What were they?
00:43:52	Couple of dozen roses.
00:43:55	Look like daisy stems.
00:43:57	What? That guy gypped me.
00:44:00	Put daisy stems on my roses.
00:44:04	Look, these hoodlums are dangerous.
00:44:06	I think we ought to get out of here
00:44:09	-"She"?
00:44:12	-You said "she."
00:44:14	I always call a gang "she."
00:44:16	It's like when you call a boat "she"
00:44:20	Or a girl?
00:44:22	You can call a girl "she." That's just one
00:44:29	Why are you smiling?
00:44:31	You're the fiirst person
00:44:35	Do you live here?
00:44:36	It's nice.
00:44:38	Did you decorate it?
00:44:39	I got this from the old Cup O' Pizza place
00:44:47	That was really good pizza.
00:44:49	This is the best pizza in a cup ever.
00:44:51	This guy's unbelievable. He ran the old
00:44:55	People come from all over to get this.
00:45:11	You know, you have beautiful skin.
00:45:17	May l?
00:45:25	So smooth and flexible.
00:45:29	I take after my mother's side of the family.
00:45:32	It's amazing the way it
00:45:37	-Are you a model?
00:45:42	I'm a cosmetologist.
00:45:44	Really? A cosmetologist?
00:45:48	That's unbelievable.
00:45:50	That's impressive.
00:45:52	It must be tough
00:45:57	Can l ask you a personal question?
00:46:01	What is it?
00:46:04	Now be totally honest.
00:46:07	You do have a boyfriend, don't you?
00:46:10	Kind of.
00:46:13	I know this is our first date, but...
00:46:18	...do you think the next time
00:46:24	...you could think of me?
00:46:25	-I haven't made love to him yet.
00:46:30	Do you think it's possible that...
00:46:33	...someday...
00:46:35	...you could make love with me
00:46:38	Who knows?
00:46:39	Maybe you and he can make love
00:46:44	I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.
00:47:04	Do you have a girlfriend?
00:47:05	-Does it matter?
00:47:09	I'm available.
00:47:23	Did you forget about my ass?
00:47:24	No, l've been thinking about it.
00:47:27	She tattooed my name on her ass.
00:47:29	Not just my name. A lot of names!.
00:47:31	And funny things, too. She's got one
00:47:35	-How do you know that?
00:47:39	She's no great piece of ass!.
00:47:42	I mean, wait a minute.
00:47:45	We're all adults here.
00:47:48	Marie's the type of person that if you got--
00:47:51	If this gash doesn't get out of here...
00:47:53	...l am gonna drive this bike up her butt!.
00:47:56	While Patti tends to be more direct.
00:47:58	As for you, farm boy....
00:48:00	We're married!.
00:48:02	And as for you, kewpie doll--
00:48:07	You protected me.
00:00:04	"You belong
00:00:07	"To somebody new
00:00:12	"But tonight
00:00:15	"You belong to me
00:00:23	"Although, although
00:00:25	"We're apart
00:00:28	"You're part
00:00:30	"Of my heart
00:00:33	"And tonight
00:00:36	"You belong to me
00:00:44	"Way down
00:00:47	"By the stream
00:00:49	"How sweet
00:00:52	"lt would seem
00:00:55	"Once more
00:00:57	"Just to dream
00:01:00	"ln the moonlight
00:01:04	"My honey, l know, l know
00:01:08	"With the dawn
00:01:10	"That you
00:01:13	"Will be gone
00:01:16	"But tonight
00:01:18	"You belong
00:01:21	"To me, just to little old me"
00:01:57	You know...
00:01:59	...while you were playing that just now...
00:02:03	...l had the craziest fantasy that l could...
00:02:07	...rise up...
00:02:09	...float right down the end of this cornet...
00:02:13	...right through here...
00:02:15	...through these valves...
00:02:18	...right along this tube...
00:02:21	...come right up against your lips...
00:02:24	...and give you a kiss.
00:02:29	Why didn't you?
00:02:31	I didn't want to get spit on me.
00:03:26	Was it good for you, too?
00:03:31	I really do want to kiss you...
00:03:36	...but l'm afraid.
00:03:38	-I would have kept my tongue in.
00:03:44	...l'm afraid if l kiss you...
00:03:48	...l'll fall in love with you.
00:03:51	You will?
00:03:53	And l don't want to.
00:03:57	You don't?
00:04:00	My mother sacrificed everything
00:04:04	She did?
00:04:07	She has this dream
00:04:11	She does?
00:04:13	To marry someone with power...
00:04:17	...money, vision.
00:04:21	Someone with a special purpose.
00:04:27	I've got one!.
00:04:29	-I've got a special purpose!.
00:04:33	Yes!. It's fantastic!.
00:04:35	It's great!. It's unbelievable!.
00:04:38	And l was afraid to tell you about it.
00:04:45	Marie, are you awake?
00:04:49	Good.
00:04:52	You look so beautiful and peaceful...
00:04:55	...you almost look dead.
00:05:00	I'm glad because...
00:05:02	...there's something l want to say that's
00:05:08	I slit the sheet, the sheet l slit
00:05:14	I've never been relaxed enough
00:05:19	You give me confidence in myself.
00:05:22	I know we've only known each other
00:05:27	...but to me, it seems like
00:05:33	The first day seemed like a week.
00:05:36	And the second day seemed like five days.
00:05:40	And the third day
00:05:43	And the fourth day seemed like eight days.
00:05:47	But the fifth day
00:05:50	...and that seemed just like a day.
00:05:53	But then you came back, and later...
00:05:57	...on the sixth day, in the evening,
00:06:00	...that started seeming like two days.
00:06:05	So in the evening, it seemed
00:06:08	...and that started seeming like four days.
00:06:13	...on into the seventh day,
00:06:18	And the sixth day seemed like
00:06:25	I have it written down, but l can show it
00:06:30	Anyway, l've decided that tomorrow...
00:06:35	...when the time is right,
00:06:42	If that's okay with you,
00:06:51	You've made me very happy.
00:07:00	"Oh, l'll see you again
00:07:06	"Whenever spring breaks through again"
00:07:11	Honey, sing!.
00:07:15	"Time may lie heavy between
00:07:18	"But what has been
00:07:20	"ls past forgetting
00:07:25	"This sweet memory
00:07:29	"Across the years will come to me
00:07:35	"Though my world may go awry
00:07:40	"ln my heart will ever lie
00:07:46	"Just the echo of a sigh
00:07:54	"Good-bye"
00:07:57	Honey, who's the happiest guy
00:08:02	You are!.
00:08:04	That's right!. And who's the happiest gal?
00:08:10	That's right.
00:08:12	Honey, guess what?
00:08:16	"Oh, l'm picking out a thermos for you
00:08:20	"Not an ordinary thermos for you
00:08:24	"But the extra best thermos you can buy
00:08:28	"With vinyl and stripes
00:08:32	"l'm picking out a thermos for you
00:08:36	"And maybe a barometer too
00:08:39	"And what else can l buy
00:08:43	"A rear-end thermometer too"
00:08:46	Honey!. There's a question
00:08:50	...l've been afraid you'd say no.
00:08:53	But this seems like
00:08:58	Honey, will you marry me?
00:09:05	Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!.
00:09:11	Not you, Shithead. Where's Marie?
00:09:15	What letter?
00:09:24	"Dear...."
00:09:43	Marie!.
00:09:45	Shithead!. Come here!. Good idea!.
00:09:50	Why did you leave me?
00:09:52	I couldn't read the letter!.
00:09:57	Here, boy.
00:10:05	Where are you?
00:10:24	This is not going to be easy, Shithead.
00:10:27	We've been together a long time.
00:10:30	But l've got to head down that road.
00:10:34	There'll be times out there
00:10:38	And l won't be able to--
00:10:40	Wait a minute.
00:10:42	I'm not done yet.
00:10:43	Come back, l'm not finished.
00:10:46	I have some more to tell ya.
00:10:50	You'll find a family
00:10:53	...with loving kids and a warm fireplace.
00:10:56	I never liked you, anyway.
00:10:59	Now get out of here!.
00:11:02	Okay, okay!. You win!.
00:11:09	"And so, Mom, with my faithful dog
00:11:13	"...l'm out to win the hand ofMarie.
00:11:16	"You'd love her, Mom. She looksjust
00:11:21	"So, to win her back,
00:11:25	"l settled in Los Angeles, took the money
00:11:30	"l haven't heard from Marie.
00:11:33	"Things couldn't be worse.
00:11:37	-Bless his heart.
00:11:40	"...as l've lost all my jobs.
00:11:43	"l've been eating well. The hospital
00:11:47	"...and all l have to do
00:11:51	"l ate there all week, three times a day."
00:11:54	Pint of blood?
00:11:55	"l quit when l cut myself shaving
00:12:01	"l have to go now as someone
00:12:06	"Your loving son, Navin."
00:12:11	It's him.
00:12:20	Him.
00:12:26	What's him doing here?
00:12:31	Attack!. Attack!.
00:12:35	Not me!.
00:12:38	Get off, Shithead!.
00:13:38	You're going to have to sign for this.
00:13:43	I have to sign before you shoot me?
00:13:46	I'm not gonna shoot ya!.
00:13:49	-Why not?
00:13:52	I was a little mixed up at that time.
00:13:54	Had a bad marriage,
00:13:58	I'm okay now.
00:14:01	I'm a private detective.
00:14:10	-So long.
00:14:21	"Dear Mr. Johnson...
00:14:24	"...please call on me, in Suite...
00:14:27	"...2655 at the Century Plaza Tower...
00:14:32	"...in Los Angeles.
00:14:34	"l have something ofgreat importance
00:14:40	Navin!. Remember me?
00:14:44	-No, but don't feel bad.
00:14:48	Stan Fox!.
00:14:49	Remember the gas station?
00:14:52	Boy, you are one hard guy to find!.
00:14:59	You don't remember me.
00:15:03	The glasses handle!. Look!.
00:15:07	Yeah.
00:15:09	-My glasses handle.
00:15:12	-"Opti-Grab"?
00:15:15	-Opti-Grab.
00:15:18	...and "grab," from where you grab it!.
00:15:21	Opti-grabbing it!.
00:15:23	Navin, my boy, we're in business!.
00:15:25	Fifty-fifty, just like we said.
00:15:28	Right in here l have your first check...
00:15:32	...for two hundred and fifty big ones.
00:15:35	Two-fifty?
00:15:37	That's just the beginning.
00:15:41	Can l cash this?
00:15:42	You can do whatever you like.
00:15:47	I can use money!.
00:15:49	Yes, l have a cashier's check,
00:15:54	How much is it for?
00:15:56	Two hundred and fifty big ones.
00:16:05	Two hundred and fifty dollareenies.
00:16:10	That's two hundred and fifty doughnuts.
00:16:17	You want to cash this?
00:16:19	Well, l could take fifty of the doughnuts...
00:16:21	...and deposit the other
00:16:24	-Have a seat, Mr. Johnson.
00:16:29	I will need two pieces of identification.
00:16:32	Yes. I have my
00:16:38	...and my astronaut application form.
00:16:43	I didn't pass that, though.
00:16:47	Didn't get the job.
00:16:49	Everything's in order.
00:16:54	-I need a pen.
00:16:56	-Right here.
00:17:00	Fill out this deposit slip right there.
00:17:03	The endorsing and filling out
00:17:08	Two-hundred and fifty...
00:17:12	...thousand--
00:17:26	"Dear Harry, guess what?
00:17:29	"l'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.
00:17:31	"But l haven't forgotten our deal.
00:17:35	"l bet you thought you'd never get it.
00:17:38	"Your friend forever, Navin."
00:17:41	How do you like that?
00:17:42	He promised me a postcard,
00:17:46	Kid has integrity.
00:18:06	Shithead, come on.
00:18:23	Hello? Yes?
00:18:26	Who? Mrs. Kimball?
00:18:31	You're Marie's mom!.
00:18:33	You read about me in the paper?
00:18:35	I've been trying to reach her,
00:18:38	I'd give anything to find out.
00:18:41	Well, that sounds a little high.
00:18:44	How about $75?
00:18:47	Okay, what is it?
00:18:50	The May Company in Los Angeles.
00:18:52	Shithead!. I know where she is!.
00:18:56	Now, doesn't that feel good?
00:19:01	There now, we are complete.
00:19:06	Putting on Mask-O-Derm
00:19:08	...and when we peel it off
00:19:11	Alevai.
00:19:13	Yes, exactly.
00:19:14	Now, we'll let this dry. In the meantime,
00:19:20	Everyone follow me this way...
00:19:22	...because this is a very interesting line.
00:19:26	With your husband's coloring,
00:19:31	This Nature Beige
00:19:35	Let's try everything.
00:19:40	What?
00:19:43	Let's go unmask lrving.
00:19:48	We are now going to peel off
00:19:51	Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer
00:19:55	You'll be amazed.
00:19:58	Get ready, lrving!.
00:20:14	This shit really worked.
00:20:24	My sweetheart.
00:20:27	What are you doing to my husband,
00:20:30	Irving, are you crazy?
00:20:32	"Dear Mom, the big news is:
00:20:36	"We couldn't wait.
00:20:37	"We found someone at the Hollywood View
00:20:43	"He was a certifiiedpriest.
00:20:48	"We were both glad
00:20:51	"Money hasn't changed our lives
00:20:53	"Our one little extravagance
00:20:57	-Another check!.
00:21:01	Look at that. Nearly $750,000.
00:21:05	With this kind of income, you could buy
00:21:10	"Well, Mom, remember my dream
00:21:14	"...and how l used to wish for a living room
00:21:19	"And how l always wanted
00:21:23	"...in a dining room with original paintings
00:21:29	"And remember how l always wanted
00:21:31	"...with pink chiffon and zebra stripes?
00:21:34	"And remember how l used to chitchat
00:21:37	"...always wanting a bathtub
00:21:41	"...and an offiice
00:21:44	"Remember how much l wanted an all red
00:21:49	"...and how l wanted a disco room
00:21:53	"...and a party room with fancy friends?
00:21:56	"And remember how much l wanted
00:22:00	"...S-shaped hedges,
00:22:03	"Well, l got that too.
00:22:07	"Marie and l are getting along swell...
00:22:10	"...but l've got a lot to learn
00:22:14	"You have to be careful.
00:22:18	"Poor Hobart.
00:22:20	"His dear wife Hester took money
00:22:23	"...and had to pay a substantial penalty
00:22:31	"Enclosed is this week's check.
00:22:35	Sorry about your wife, Hobart.
00:22:37	Federal regulations, sir.
00:22:40	Dear me.
00:22:42	Your wife has given you
00:22:47	I'd nearly forgotten.
00:22:49	I suppose l'm still not quite
00:22:53	Well, these things take time.
00:22:55	Yes, so l'm told.
00:22:57	Here's your drink, sir.
00:23:01	You got the bamboo umbrella
00:23:07	See that? "Be somebody."
00:23:13	Very good, sir. Very good.
00:23:18	There are some charity people here
00:23:21	No!. Send them away!.
00:23:24	There's a lot of people
00:23:26	But these people want you to give.
00:23:34	Okay.
00:23:35	My name is
00:23:40	Father, you seem like a religious man.
00:23:43	How can l help you?
00:23:44	By giving me three minutes of your time
00:23:48	...of a great ugliness
00:23:52	God. I'll bet it's disgusting.
00:23:56	-Hobart?
00:23:58	Are you over your grief enough
00:24:01	Of course, sir. One can't mourn forever.
00:24:05	You will not believe
00:24:08	...that human beings
00:24:11	...that they can take pleasure to do this
00:24:15	I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.
00:24:18	Roll the ugliness.
00:24:59	Good Lord. I've heard about this.
00:25:22	Stop it, stop it, stop it!.
00:25:27	Good.
00:25:29	Father, could there be a God
00:25:34	How much do you want?
00:25:36	If your initial investment is $500,000...
00:25:40	...and your apartments are up in March...
00:25:43	...you should have "x" amount of dollars
00:25:48	"x" amount. That's very good, isn't it?
00:25:51	You can depreciate the entire building
00:25:54	Depreciate!. Very good. I like that.
00:25:57	And we've found a way to get around
00:26:00	Good!. Getting around the crap.
00:26:04	By keeping the rents high,
00:26:07	Select class. Very good.
00:26:11	We'll keep the eggplants out.
00:26:13	Good. We don't want any vegetables.
00:26:15	No. The jungle bunnies!.
00:26:18	Of course. They'll eat the vegetables.
00:26:21	Boss, could l talk to him?
00:26:24	We're gonna keep out the niggers.
00:26:26	The what?
00:26:28	The niggers. We'll keep 'em out.
00:26:30	-Yes.
00:26:32	...you are talking to a nigger!.
00:27:22	Don't be so hard on yourself.
00:27:24	How could you know
00:27:28	Escargot. Salad.
00:27:32	Would Monsieur care for another bottle
00:27:35	Yes, but no more 1966.
00:27:37	Let's splurge. Bring us some fresh wine.
00:27:40	The freshest you've got.
00:27:42	This year's. No more of this old stuff.
00:27:46	Oui, Monsieur.
00:27:47	He doesn't realize he's dealing
00:27:52	Marie, just stay calm.
00:27:54	Don't look down.
00:27:55	Don't look down. Look up.
00:27:59	Waiter.
00:28:03	There are snails on her plate.
00:28:08	Now get them out of here
00:28:11	Look away!. Keep your eyes that way!.
00:28:14	You'd think at a fancy restaurant like this
00:28:18	...off the food!.
00:28:20	There are so many snails in there
00:28:23	Remove them!. Bring me the cheese
00:28:27	Oui, Monsieur.
00:28:29	Can you believe this?
00:28:31	First they didn't have umbrellas
00:28:35	Two boobs. That's what he takes us for.
00:28:50	-Hi, honey.
00:28:52	Everything okay?
00:28:53	Remember how you told me
00:28:57	Well, l just took a lesson.
00:29:00	And a very good student too.
00:29:03	You took bullfighting?
00:29:05	No. Knife-throwing.
00:29:08	Knife-throwing's great!.
00:29:10	-I can almost do it.
00:29:14	Okay.
00:29:16	This is very good for a beginner.
00:29:21	This is exciting. I love this!.
00:29:24	Come on!.
00:29:27	-Turn sideways...
00:29:29	...and put a balloon in your mouth.
00:29:32	Do you have a balloon?
00:29:34	No. Wait. Yes!.
00:29:39	Okay.
00:29:41	Is it in your mouth?
00:29:42	Throw 'em good and hard, so they'll stick.
00:29:47	Okay.
00:29:51	One...
00:29:53	...two...
00:29:56	...three!.
00:29:58	Four, five, six!.
00:30:04	I missed.
00:30:06	Honey, you did good.
00:30:08	I can't do anything right.
00:30:11	Honey, you worry too much.
00:30:15	Come on. Let's flop this over
00:30:19	Do you realize that
00:30:22	...we have acquired the sophistication
00:30:28	Come on!.
00:30:30	Let's toast!.
00:31:29	Everybody, Navin's on TV.
00:31:33	Look, honey,
00:31:36	Shut off the music!.
00:31:39	Everyone, we're going to watch Navin
00:31:42	Sit down, sit down.
00:31:45	American Time news magazine
00:31:48	...on Navin Johnson,
00:31:52	...that little glasses handle that sold
00:31:57	Mr. Johnson, you've become
00:32:03	Who is Navin Johnson?
00:32:06	Navin is a complex personality,
00:32:10	...small breed of modern-day
00:32:14	We hadplanned to show you
00:32:17	However, when we returned to our studio,
00:32:21	...ofa sensational development
00:32:25	It seems that an irate group of citizens...
00:32:27	...led by the celebrity, Mr. Carl Reiner...
00:32:30	...has fiiled a class action suit
00:32:35	Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say
00:32:38	When Opti-Grab came out
00:32:42	And l bought a pair. And this is the result.
00:32:47	This little handle is like a magnet.
00:32:51	...and you end up cockeyed.
00:32:53	Now, as a director,
00:32:57	...and this Opti-Grab device
00:33:01	Let me show you a clip
00:33:03	...where my faulty depth perception kept
00:33:11	Cut!
00:33:21	Ifl had yelled "cut" on time,
00:33:27	That's why l am spearheading the
00:33:31	...against Mr. Johnson,
00:33:35	...he didn't even test on prisoners!
00:33:39	-Thank you.
00:33:44	Wait a second. Where you going?
00:33:48	I'm gonna get in touch
00:33:52	I got some change upstairs.
00:33:54	We'll get some potato chips
00:33:57	We'll make it a less formal thing.
00:34:01	Let's find another party.
00:34:06	Honey!. Why the gloom?
00:34:09	This is not the end of the rainbow.
00:34:13	I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!.
00:34:15	This is no big deal.
00:34:18	Only instead of $5, it's $10 million.
00:34:23	I don't care about losing all the money.
00:34:26	It's losing all the stuff.
00:34:30	We're not gonna lose the stuff.
00:34:34	This is America!.
00:34:35	We're going to receive a fair trial
00:34:41	Your honor, we, the jury,
00:34:50	I award to Mr. Reiner...
00:34:53	...and the other 9 million...
00:34:55	...987 thousand...
00:34:58	...652 plaintiffs...
00:35:01	...the full amount of the suit.
00:35:05	Court is adjourned.
00:35:13	-Navin.
00:35:23	Pay to the order of...
00:35:27	...Mrs. Wilbur Stark...
00:35:30	...one dollar and nine cents.
00:35:49	Pay to the order of...
00:35:52	..."lron Balls" McGinty...
00:35:57	...one dollar and nine cents.
00:36:01	Why are you crying?
00:36:05	Because l just heard a song on the radio
00:36:09	-What was it?
00:36:13	Look at us. We've hit bottom.
00:36:15	No!. Maybe you've hit bottom,
00:36:20	I got a ways to go!.
00:36:23	I'm gonna bounce back, and when l do...
00:36:26	...l'm gonna buy you a diamond so big...
00:36:30	...it's gonna make you puke!.
00:36:33	I don't want to puke!. I don't want wealth!.
00:36:37	I just want you like you used to be.
00:36:40	What happened to that man?
00:36:43	Me?
00:36:45	What happened to the girl l believed in?
00:36:48	The girl l fell in love with?
00:36:50	The girl that believed in me?
00:36:53	There's plenty of places l can go...
00:36:56	...where people believe in me.
00:36:58	So go. The sooner you're out of my life...
00:37:01	...the sooner l can go back to being the girl
00:37:05	...that you sang the "Thermos Song" to.
00:37:10	Well, l'm gonna go, then.
00:37:12	I don't need any of this!.
00:37:16	And l don't need you!.
00:37:21	Except this.
00:37:23	This ashtray.
00:37:27	I don't need this or this!.
00:37:29	Just this ashtray!.
00:37:32	And this paddle game.
00:37:35	The ashtray and the paddle game
00:37:39	And this remote control.
00:37:42	The ashtray, the paddle game
00:37:48	And these matches.
00:37:51	The ashtray, these matches
00:37:58	And this lamp.
00:38:02	The ashtray...
00:38:04	...this paddle game, the remote control...
00:38:09	...and the lamp, and that's all l need.
00:38:15	And that's all l need, too!.
00:38:17	I don't need one other thing!.
00:38:20	Not one. I need this.
00:38:24	The paddle game, the chair...
00:38:27	...the remote control
00:38:33	What are you looking at?
00:38:36	What do you think l am,
00:38:46	And this.
00:38:49	That's all l need.
00:38:52	Except the ashtray,
00:38:57	...this magazine and the chair.
00:39:06	I don't need one other thing.
00:39:13	Well, l don't need my dog.
00:40:23	So, that's it.
00:40:26	It's an old story,
00:40:33	But l never thought it would happen to me.
00:40:49	Any of you bums
00:40:55	I've heard of him.
00:40:57	Born in Mississippi?
00:41:01	The inventor of the Opti-Grab?
00:41:03	I was just telling these guys!.
00:41:07	Son!.
00:41:10	Daddy!.
00:41:13	Navin.
00:41:14	-Mama!.
00:41:18	I knew we'd find you!.
00:41:22	-Taj!.
00:41:29	I called them the night you left.
00:41:32	How'd you find me?
00:41:34	I don't know.
00:41:36	We're taking you home
00:41:39	Turns out dad's a financial genius.
00:41:41	All l did was take the money
00:41:45	...and embarked on a periodic investment
00:41:49	He leveraged his ass
00:41:53	Right on.
00:41:56	I picked out this thermos for you.
00:42:03	-I'd kiss you, but l'm so dirty.
00:42:08	But the smell does.
00:42:13	Son, you'd better get
00:42:17	...until we can get you hosed down.
00:42:29	-I love you, Navin!.
00:42:34	Somebody open a window!.
00:42:36	Open all the windows.
00:42:40	I was so glad to be going home.
00:42:42	I remembered the days
00:42:45	...with my family
00:42:48	But things change,
00:42:52	...we had to tear down the old house,
00:42:55	But we built us a bigger one.
00:42:58	-"Lordy
00:43:00	-"Lordy
00:43:03	-"Gonna jump down turn around
00:43:05	-"Gonna jump down turn around
00:43:22	-"Me and my buddy
00:43:24	-"Well, me and my buddy
00:43:32	-"Lordy
00:43:34	-"Lordy
00:43:41	-"Gonna get on your knees
00:43:44	-"Gonna get on your knees
00:43:46	-"Gonna move all around
00:43:49	-"Gonna move all around
00:43:51	-"Want a barebacked man to
00:43:53	-"Want a barebacked man to
00:43:55	-"Jump down turn around
00:43:58	-"Jump down turn around
00:44:06	-"Lordy
00:44:08	-"Lordy
00:44:24	-"You're gonna jump down turn around
00:44:28	-"You're gonna jump down turn around
00:44:34	"Lordy pick a bale of cotton
00:44:36	"Lordy pick a bale a day
00:44:39	-"Well, me and my wife
00:44:41	-"Well, me and my wife
00:44:58	-"Take it!.
00:45:01	"Pick a bale a day"
00:45:17	1 CD Subtitles by SOFTITLER
00:45:20	This subtitle is synchronized by "Time Adjuster"

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