|
Joan Rivers A Piece of Work
|
| 00:00:24 |
[Woman vocalizing] |
| 00:00:27 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:00:44 |
- Would you welcome |
| 00:00:47 |
You know, you're going to be |
| 00:00:49 |
- Now here is my daffy |
| 00:00:53 |
- Aah! |
| 00:00:55 |
- Joan Rivers, |
| 00:00:57 |
the groundbreaking |
| 00:00:59 |
paves the way |
| 00:01:00 |
- You know how I know |
| 00:01:02 |
Can we talk here? |
| 00:01:03 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:01:09 |
- And the Emmy goes to... |
| 00:01:11 |
- Joan Rivers. |
| 00:01:12 |
[Audience cheers] |
| 00:01:14 |
- Here's Joan Rivers! |
| 00:01:24 |
- Yes, but I'm very, very late. |
| 00:01:25 |
[Rock music] |
| 00:01:28 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:01:45 |
- I hope you've had |
| 00:01:47 |
'cause you're gonna need 'em. |
| 00:01:48 |
Will you welcome, please, |
| 00:01:52 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:01:55 |
- This is my career. |
| 00:01:56 |
I mean, |
| 00:01:59 |
40 years |
| 00:02:02 |
and this is where you end up. |
| 00:02:04 |
Just to show you... |
| 00:02:13 |
My daughter and I are |
| 00:02:15 |
very close. |
| 00:02:17 |
But I brought her up |
| 00:02:18 |
I brought her up |
| 00:02:20 |
She turned down |
| 00:02:22 |
How about that? |
| 00:02:23 |
$400,000 naked to the waist. |
| 00:02:25 |
Turned it fucking down |
| 00:02:28 |
For approval! |
| 00:02:30 |
"Mother, |
| 00:02:32 |
What do you think?" |
| 00:02:33 |
And you know- |
| 00:02:34 |
"Oh, I'm very proud of you, |
| 00:02:37 |
"What do I think? |
| 00:02:38 |
"What do I think, |
| 00:02:40 |
"What do I think? |
| 00:02:42 |
"I think you should ask |
| 00:02:43 |
"and show your pussy. |
| 00:02:44 |
That's what I think." |
| 00:02:45 |
[Laughter and applause] |
| 00:02:48 |
I'm a 75-year-old woman up here |
| 00:02:51 |
What do I think? |
| 00:02:52 |
I'm on the fucking red carpet |
| 00:02:55 |
talking to these assholes. |
| 00:02:56 |
"Where you from? |
| 00:02:59 |
"Got your lucky charm? |
| 00:03:01 |
Who the fuck are you?" |
| 00:03:03 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:03:06 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:03:21 |
- Not good. |
| 00:03:22 |
I mean, this is not good. |
| 00:03:25 |
We have no Vegas, |
| 00:03:27 |
Kathy Griffin has taken |
| 00:03:30 |
Uh, I have the play, |
| 00:03:32 |
which is not going |
| 00:03:33 |
Can't we get club dates? |
| 00:03:35 |
Can't Billy get club dates? |
| 00:03:36 |
This is not a full book. |
| 00:03:38 |
- Like a little date |
| 00:03:39 |
- Yeah |
| 00:03:41 |
- These were the good years. |
| 00:03:42 |
- These were |
| 00:03:43 |
- See, this is the kind |
| 00:03:45 |
Now, that's a good page, |
| 00:03:49 |
These are good pages. |
| 00:03:50 |
10:00, 11:00, 12:30. |
| 00:03:52 |
This and that. |
| 00:03:54 |
That's happiness. |
| 00:03:57 |
Last year was |
| 00:04:00 |
I was playing-here we go- |
| 00:04:02 |
[laughs] |
| 00:04:03 |
The Bronx at 4:30 |
| 00:04:07 |
That was a real... good one. |
| 00:04:11 |
I'll show you fear. |
| 00:04:14 |
That's fear. |
| 00:04:16 |
If my book ever looked |
| 00:04:20 |
it would mean |
| 00:04:22 |
and that everything I ever tried |
| 00:04:25 |
and nobody cared |
| 00:04:30 |
- When you say, |
| 00:04:32 |
she goes, "Hold on, |
| 00:04:35 |
because the white |
| 00:04:40 |
So that's a joke. |
| 00:04:41 |
So we used to laugh about it. |
| 00:04:42 |
She goes, "Hold on. |
| 00:04:44 |
Okay, what day?" |
| 00:04:46 |
- You look handsome. |
| 00:04:48 |
- Yeah, right. |
| 00:04:49 |
- Billy looks good. |
| 00:04:50 |
I can't. |
| 00:04:52 |
- My career is in the toilet. |
| 00:04:54 |
- That's me. |
| 00:04:55 |
- My career is in the toilet. |
| 00:04:57 |
Nothing is going right. |
| 00:04:58 |
- That's right. |
| 00:04:59 |
- Why? |
| 00:05:01 |
- I don't know. |
| 00:05:02 |
- That's what I always tell him. |
| 00:05:04 |
- Unless Joan gives me... |
| 00:05:05 |
- Billy Sammeth |
| 00:05:08 |
huge part of my life. |
| 00:05:10 |
He knows my history. |
| 00:05:12 |
You know, |
| 00:05:13 |
that you can say, "Do you |
| 00:05:16 |
And we both laugh |
| 00:05:20 |
- Joan is a chronic workaholic. |
| 00:05:23 |
One job a day is not enough. |
| 00:05:25 |
It's almost like |
| 00:05:28 |
but she's a work addict, |
| 00:05:31 |
No matter how much you give her, |
| 00:05:32 |
it doesn't fill up that need |
| 00:05:35 |
- Now, this is Jocelyn Pickett. |
| 00:05:37 |
This is my assistant, |
| 00:05:38 |
who is now going to show you |
| 00:05:41 |
Anybody call? |
| 00:05:42 |
- No. |
| 00:05:44 |
- It's not about whether |
| 00:05:46 |
It's about whether they're hot. |
| 00:05:48 |
There are times |
| 00:05:51 |
that you just |
| 00:05:54 |
Careers do that. |
| 00:05:56 |
You're hot, ; you're not. |
| 00:05:57 |
You're in a slump, ; you're not. |
| 00:06:00 |
Nothing is happening right now, |
| 00:06:03 |
[Phone ringing] |
| 00:06:05 |
- Steve Levine's office. |
| 00:06:06 |
- Jennifer Moen? |
| 00:06:07 |
- Hi, Billy Sammeth. |
| 00:06:08 |
- And Joan Rivers. |
| 00:06:09 |
- Hi, Joan Rivers. |
| 00:06:11 |
- Hello. |
| 00:06:14 |
- Hello. |
| 00:06:15 |
- Hi. |
| 00:06:16 |
- Let's hear about Harrah's, |
| 00:06:19 |
This is the weekend |
| 00:06:22 |
- I just think it's wrong. |
| 00:06:23 |
It's not vacation. |
| 00:06:26 |
I want a letter |
| 00:06:28 |
"We acknowledge |
| 00:06:30 |
one of the worst weekends |
| 00:06:32 |
- Okay. |
| 00:06:34 |
- And I really don't need, |
| 00:06:35 |
when I am a comedy icon, |
| 00:06:37 |
I don't need to walk |
| 00:06:39 |
and have it half full, |
| 00:06:41 |
and then have |
| 00:06:42 |
"Cluck, cluck, cluck." |
| 00:06:45 |
- Right now, they see her |
| 00:06:47 |
who's past due. |
| 00:06:49 |
Her, you know, sell-by date, |
| 00:06:54 |
But God help |
| 00:06:57 |
because this one's |
| 00:06:58 |
Never will. |
| 00:07:00 |
There will be nail marks |
| 00:07:04 |
before she abdicates, |
| 00:07:09 |
- # Happy birthday to you # |
| 00:07:12 |
- All right, all right. |
| 00:07:14 |
Don't sing. |
| 00:07:16 |
Age. ; it's the one mountain |
| 00:07:21 |
It's a youth society, |
| 00:07:25 |
You're too old. |
| 00:07:26 |
You're too old. |
| 00:07:28 |
If one more woman comedian |
| 00:07:32 |
"You opened the doors for me," |
| 00:07:35 |
and you want to say, |
| 00:07:37 |
I'm still opening the doors. |
| 00:07:40 |
- That's great. |
| 00:07:41 |
- You're very welcome. |
| 00:07:43 |
- Thank you very much. |
| 00:07:45 |
- You are |
| 00:07:46 |
- Yes. |
| 00:07:47 |
- And your father is a doctor? |
| 00:07:49 |
- And you live where, |
| 00:07:50 |
- In Larchmont. |
| 00:07:52 |
And your mother is a... |
| 00:07:53 |
- A mother. |
| 00:07:55 |
- But how do they look |
| 00:07:56 |
what you're doing, |
| 00:07:58 |
- Frightened. |
| 00:08:00 |
- Well, now they're |
| 00:08:02 |
And my mother and I are thinking |
| 00:08:04 |
But, um, still, uh... |
| 00:08:06 |
- The audience here |
| 00:08:08 |
and, uh, good luck to you. |
| 00:08:10 |
Good night. |
| 00:08:11 |
- Thanks, Jack. |
| 00:08:12 |
- Good night. |
| 00:08:14 |
- Joan, here's the script |
| 00:08:16 |
for the TV pilot |
| 00:08:18 |
Okay. |
| 00:08:19 |
Do you know where I am in this? |
| 00:08:23 |
I see no Joan on page two. |
| 00:08:26 |
I see no Joan on page three. |
| 00:08:28 |
I see no Joan on page four. |
| 00:08:31 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:08:32 |
- I have worked with her |
| 00:08:35 |
somewhere in there, |
| 00:08:36 |
so I definitely |
| 00:08:40 |
kind of the ups and downs, |
| 00:08:42 |
with her, |
| 00:08:44 |
When I started, |
| 00:08:45 |
it was definitely |
| 00:08:47 |
Her daytime talk show |
| 00:08:50 |
At the same time, |
| 00:08:52 |
which ran on Broadway, |
| 00:08:56 |
Everything was kind of closing, |
| 00:08:59 |
So, of course, Joan being Joan, |
| 00:09:01 |
then started to try |
| 00:09:04 |
- No. |
| 00:09:08 |
I ain't seeing me. |
| 00:09:09 |
- This year is no different. |
| 00:09:10 |
Joan is looking |
| 00:09:12 |
new ways to get out there. |
| 00:09:14 |
And she's got two new books |
| 00:09:16 |
a new play that she's |
| 00:09:19 |
for the past couple of years. |
| 00:09:21 |
And Celebrity Apprentice- |
| 00:09:22 |
she's booked to be |
| 00:09:24 |
of Celebrity Apprentice. |
| 00:09:26 |
So she's hoping one of them hits |
| 00:09:30 |
- I can't find me anywhere. |
| 00:09:35 |
[Soft guitar music] |
| 00:09:37 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:09:40 |
[car horns beeping] |
| 00:09:41 |
What we are planning is... |
| 00:09:43 |
The cutoff date for the Emm- |
| 00:09:45 |
for the Tony nominations |
| 00:09:50 |
so we have to open somewhere |
| 00:09:53 |
For the next few months, |
| 00:09:55 |
I am really focusing |
| 00:09:58 |
It means a great deal to me |
| 00:10:02 |
- So she calls me up one night, |
| 00:10:04 |
"Billy, it's Joan. |
| 00:10:06 |
"Listen, I wrote a script |
| 00:10:08 |
It's in the drawer." |
| 00:10:09 |
Now, I actually saw a reading |
| 00:10:12 |
and I enjoyed it. |
| 00:10:13 |
So I said, |
| 00:10:15 |
Hi, Joanie. |
| 00:10:16 |
- Hi, Billy Boy. |
| 00:10:19 |
- Hi, Billy. |
| 00:10:22 |
- Hi, Seany. |
| 00:10:23 |
I'm a little schvitzy. |
| 00:10:24 |
- Schwitzy? |
| 00:10:25 |
- Schvit. |
| 00:10:27 |
- Schvit. |
| 00:10:28 |
- Schvitzy. |
| 00:10:30 |
- The name of the show is |
| 00:10:31 |
Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress |
| 00:10:36 |
you know, episodes |
| 00:10:38 |
how she got |
| 00:10:40 |
We're going to take this |
| 00:10:42 |
and then we're going to do it |
| 00:10:44 |
in London's |
| 00:10:45 |
The ultimate goal? |
| 00:10:47 |
I think Joan wants to play it |
| 00:10:51 |
- "I have very few hairs |
| 00:10:53 |
"and each one has a name, |
| 00:10:55 |
like last week, we had to sit |
| 00:10:58 |
or, "We buried Bernice," |
| 00:11:01 |
- Yeah, "cremated" |
| 00:11:03 |
- I hope that the play |
| 00:11:06 |
I think the play |
| 00:11:08 |
I'm an actress. |
| 00:11:09 |
I'm a writer. |
| 00:11:10 |
And if we get great reviews, |
| 00:11:14 |
it will open up |
| 00:11:18 |
"One of my earliest memories, |
| 00:11:20 |
"tops, six years old. |
| 00:11:22 |
"My mother took me to see |
| 00:11:24 |
"and I remember smelling |
| 00:11:27 |
and I thought, |
| 00:11:32 |
I was in every school play. |
| 00:11:34 |
I was in everything |
| 00:11:37 |
There was never a discussion |
| 00:11:40 |
of where I was going, |
| 00:11:43 |
Always going to be an actress. |
| 00:11:45 |
- Were you-were you-you were |
| 00:11:47 |
- No, no, comedy, never. |
| 00:11:49 |
I just knew that I could work |
| 00:11:53 |
and make money to make |
| 00:11:55 |
And that's the only reason |
| 00:11:58 |
Sometimes I sit at home, |
| 00:12:01 |
"Joan, yes, you're a diva. |
| 00:12:03 |
"Penthouse, limo, furs. |
| 00:12:07 |
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff." |
| 00:12:10 |
But a diva can get lonely. |
| 00:12:12 |
And I say this to my staff, |
| 00:12:15 |
[laughs] |
| 00:12:18 |
I don't know any of their names, |
| 00:12:20 |
They come. |
| 00:12:23 |
Sometimes I say to them, |
| 00:12:30 |
Who's going to fuck me tonight, |
| 00:12:32 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:12:33 |
Oh! |
| 00:12:35 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:12:38 |
[Dog barking] |
| 00:12:40 |
Yes, yes, yes. |
| 00:12:41 |
This is delicious, huh? |
| 00:12:44 |
This is Kevin, |
| 00:12:47 |
also without asking me anything. |
| 00:12:49 |
Thank God. |
| 00:12:51 |
That is Debbie, |
| 00:12:53 |
who really is the brains |
| 00:12:55 |
We thought you should know. |
| 00:12:57 |
- It's true. |
| 00:13:00 |
- It's bacon, you idiot. |
| 00:13:03 |
This is my apartment, |
| 00:13:05 |
This is how Marie Antoinette |
| 00:13:07 |
if she had had money. |
| 00:13:09 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:13:18 |
- You try to explain to people |
| 00:13:21 |
"What you're about to see, |
| 00:13:24 |
"Maybe the queen of England, |
| 00:13:26 |
but besides that, |
| 00:13:29 |
- I live very, very, very well. |
| 00:13:32 |
I enjoy my creature comforts. |
| 00:13:34 |
And I know I have to work |
| 00:13:36 |
I could stop and live carefully, |
| 00:13:40 |
I don't want to live carefully. |
| 00:13:42 |
So I would rather work |
| 00:13:45 |
and have a wonderful time. |
| 00:13:47 |
- When I hear the numbers |
| 00:13:50 |
because, you know, |
| 00:13:53 |
everyone's whispering. |
| 00:13:55 |
So they called me, |
| 00:13:56 |
"Billy, you've got to pull |
| 00:13:59 |
"How many rabbits would you like |
| 00:14:01 |
I don't have that many |
| 00:14:03 |
- When I first hit |
| 00:14:06 |
my manager then was a man |
| 00:14:08 |
and he said, "You're going |
| 00:14:11 |
When people hit, |
| 00:14:13 |
And that's really what- |
| 00:14:17 |
- This week's checks |
| 00:14:19 |
- Oh, good. |
| 00:14:21 |
I have an agent. |
| 00:14:24 |
I have a business manager, |
| 00:14:27 |
two assistants, |
| 00:14:29 |
We forget the lawyers. |
| 00:14:30 |
There are then |
| 00:14:33 |
that I'm totally supporting, |
| 00:14:34 |
certain friends. |
| 00:14:36 |
Most people that work with me, |
| 00:14:39 |
I send the children |
| 00:14:41 |
It goes on and on |
| 00:14:45 |
I'm dancing as fast as I can. |
| 00:14:47 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:14:48 |
Are you on speaker? |
| 00:14:52 |
- Okay. |
| 00:15:06 |
- Yeah, I would love to, |
| 00:15:09 |
Trust me, we need it. |
| 00:15:11 |
- Okay. |
| 00:15:12 |
- Okay, okay. |
| 00:15:14 |
- Bump up the offer, |
| 00:15:15 |
- Yeah, bump up the offer |
| 00:15:17 |
bump up the offer, |
| 00:15:21 |
Bump up the offer some more, |
| 00:15:22 |
and they get Joan doing |
| 00:15:25 |
- Mm-hmm. |
| 00:15:27 |
- Bump up the offer some more, |
| 00:15:28 |
and they also get |
| 00:15:30 |
the survival lecture. |
| 00:15:32 |
- And don't forget there's |
| 00:15:35 |
- Just... |
| 00:15:36 |
[laughter] |
| 00:15:38 |
[Upbeat guitar music] |
| 00:15:41 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:15:43 |
You know the dates |
| 00:15:46 |
right, Billy, pretty much? |
| 00:15:47 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:15:49 |
Do you think it's in bad taste |
| 00:15:53 |
who I think is so chic, |
| 00:15:56 |
that she is-your remember we- |
| 00:16:00 |
in the Kennedy era, |
| 00:16:02 |
Well, now, in the Obama era, |
| 00:16:06 |
- Oh, no. |
| 00:16:09 |
- Okay, just-I thought it was |
| 00:16:13 |
These are all my jokes. |
| 00:16:15 |
These are jokes |
| 00:16:20 |
These are just- |
| 00:16:23 |
I try to remember |
| 00:16:27 |
"Why should a woman cook? |
| 00:16:29 |
"So her husband can say, |
| 00:16:30 |
"'My wife makes |
| 00:16:32 |
to some hooker." |
| 00:16:33 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:16:36 |
And you wonder why I'm |
| 00:16:40 |
People think |
| 00:16:42 |
They have no idea |
| 00:16:44 |
is a terrifically |
| 00:16:46 |
And I prepare |
| 00:16:51 |
I mean, here I am. |
| 00:16:52 |
I mean, everything is just... |
| 00:16:54 |
Everywhere you look, |
| 00:16:58 |
Everywhere-jokes to be filed, |
| 00:17:02 |
jokes that I thought |
| 00:17:05 |
I mean, my life is just... |
| 00:17:10 |
jokes. |
| 00:17:15 |
"Vagina farts. |
| 00:17:17 |
My vagina farts are so loud, |
| 00:17:22 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:17:26 |
"Are gay men proud |
| 00:17:29 |
like Madonna's daughter?" |
| 00:17:31 |
Maybe. |
| 00:17:33 |
"Amazing Race. ; |
| 00:17:34 |
Mel Gibson chasing Jews |
| 00:17:36 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:17:39 |
As some of you can tell now, |
| 00:17:41 |
I'm seven and a half months |
| 00:17:43 |
And you want to know the truth? |
| 00:17:44 |
You know how lousy |
| 00:17:45 |
When I'm undressed, |
| 00:17:47 |
my husband looks at me |
| 00:17:49 |
You know how cruel that can be? |
| 00:17:50 |
When I started comedy, |
| 00:17:54 |
but different times. |
| 00:17:56 |
The last line |
| 00:18:00 |
"This business, |
| 00:18:03 |
"so I want you to know, |
| 00:18:06 |
and I put out." |
| 00:18:08 |
And you would hear |
| 00:18:10 |
such a sweet little, silly line |
| 00:18:13 |
what, 28 years old, |
| 00:18:16 |
trying to look nice. |
| 00:18:18 |
The audience, |
| 00:18:20 |
Jack Lemmon saw me |
| 00:18:22 |
He said, "That's disgusting." |
| 00:18:26 |
So for my time, |
| 00:18:30 |
I remember I had a joke |
| 00:18:32 |
when you weren't supposed to |
| 00:18:33 |
even say the word |
| 00:18:37 |
I have a friend |
| 00:18:38 |
The woman is 32 years old. |
| 00:18:41 |
She had 14 appendectomies, |
| 00:18:43 |
if you know |
| 00:18:45 |
You know, back and forth |
| 00:18:47 |
She never stopped flying. |
| 00:18:49 |
She walked down the aisle |
| 00:18:52 |
Every usher went... |
| 00:18:56 |
My manager took me out |
| 00:18:58 |
"Joanala, you're going |
| 00:19:03 |
"It's not right. |
| 00:19:05 |
A woman shouldn't talk |
| 00:19:07 |
I remember thinking, |
| 00:19:12 |
This is exactly what |
| 00:19:16 |
My daughter loves me |
| 00:19:19 |
I was there when she gave birth. |
| 00:19:20 |
Ugch! Oh! |
| 00:19:22 |
In California, they bring |
| 00:19:23 |
to see the birt- |
| 00:19:25 |
Ugh, ugh, ugh. |
| 00:19:27 |
In my day, |
| 00:19:30 |
They knocked you out |
| 00:19:31 |
They woke you up |
| 00:19:33 |
You knew nothing. |
| 00:19:34 |
It was so much better. |
| 00:19:37 |
"Miss Rivers, you had a girl." |
| 00:19:38 |
"Good, good, good." |
| 00:19:43 |
"Is she normal?" |
| 00:19:44 |
"Yeah." |
| 00:19:45 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:19:49 |
"Is she white?" |
| 00:19:50 |
"Good." |
| 00:19:52 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:19:54 |
"The marriage continues." |
| 00:19:58 |
- I went to see her live |
| 00:20:01 |
The shit that came |
| 00:20:03 |
was so shocking and so funny. |
| 00:20:06 |
She was doing something |
| 00:20:10 |
You know, I wouldn't be doing |
| 00:20:13 |
much in the way |
| 00:20:15 |
that Phyllis Diller |
| 00:20:17 |
and before her was Moms Mabely, |
| 00:20:20 |
There's a handful of women |
| 00:20:22 |
in modern history |
| 00:20:23 |
Just a handful. |
| 00:20:25 |
- I was so angry... |
| 00:20:28 |
Thank you. |
| 00:20:30 |
Thank you. |
| 00:20:33 |
Okay. |
| 00:20:35 |
While we're on the subject, |
| 00:20:36 |
let me talk to you |
| 00:20:39 |
After 60, the body drops. |
| 00:20:42 |
The body drops. |
| 00:20:44 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:20:45 |
And it's not just the breasts. |
| 00:20:47 |
Vaginas drop. |
| 00:20:49 |
Um, six years ago, I woke up |
| 00:20:51 |
"Why am I wearing |
| 00:20:53 |
And why is it gray?" |
| 00:20:55 |
- Brilliant. |
| 00:20:57 |
- I went to the dermatologist, |
| 00:21:00 |
- [Laughs] |
| 00:21:02 |
- I got a shot filled |
| 00:21:06 |
"I need this for four months." |
| 00:21:08 |
- When do you go? |
| 00:21:09 |
- She just went crazy. |
| 00:21:11 |
- "Just blast away." |
| 00:21:12 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:21:13 |
- Then she said, |
| 00:21:16 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:21:18 |
Okay. |
| 00:21:20 |
Thank you, Pat. |
| 00:21:22 |
My mother told me, |
| 00:21:24 |
She told me this a lot. |
| 00:21:28 |
Saturday nights, |
| 00:21:30 |
in our kitchen, |
| 00:21:33 |
My mother used to look at me |
| 00:21:46 |
"Looks don't count! |
| 00:21:48 |
Now get out of my sight, |
| 00:21:52 |
And my mother lied |
| 00:21:55 |
It's very scary |
| 00:21:58 |
without any makeup. |
| 00:21:59 |
It's really... |
| 00:22:01 |
Ew, it gives me the willies. |
| 00:22:02 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:22:03 |
- Why? |
| 00:22:04 |
- "Who is that person?" |
| 00:22:07 |
So I get up in the morning, |
| 00:22:09 |
and the first thing I do is, |
| 00:22:12 |
Now, I was never |
| 00:22:16 |
No man has ever, |
| 00:22:20 |
They've said to me, |
| 00:22:21 |
You look this. |
| 00:22:22 |
But no man ever said, |
| 00:22:24 |
"Oh, my God, |
| 00:22:26 |
[Rock music] |
| 00:22:29 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:22:31 |
- Good. |
| 00:22:32 |
Bring 'em right in. |
| 00:22:33 |
Yeah! |
| 00:22:35 |
Good. |
| 00:22:37 |
Yeah! |
| 00:22:39 |
Good. |
| 00:22:40 |
Aah, okay let's do tools. |
| 00:22:42 |
And one- |
| 00:22:43 |
Good. Yeah. |
| 00:22:45 |
- Didn't you want the hand going |
| 00:22:47 |
People want to look at |
| 00:22:49 |
Nobody wants an old woman, |
| 00:22:51 |
so I started |
| 00:22:55 |
little bits and tweaks. |
| 00:22:57 |
Then I got very angry |
| 00:23:00 |
I really became |
| 00:23:02 |
And so then I became |
| 00:23:05 |
and then I became |
| 00:23:07 |
- Tools out a little bit. |
| 00:23:09 |
Yeah, that's it. |
| 00:23:11 |
Good. |
| 00:23:14 |
- So how'd you come up |
| 00:23:16 |
- Marilyn Monroe told that |
| 00:23:18 |
- Yeah? |
| 00:23:19 |
You and I were having |
| 00:23:21 |
before we went on the air today. |
| 00:23:23 |
I said, if you don't feel good |
| 00:23:25 |
plastic surgery |
| 00:23:27 |
and in fact |
| 00:23:29 |
because then you think, |
| 00:23:31 |
aren't really appreciating |
| 00:23:33 |
- Well, who is the real me? |
| 00:23:35 |
Tell me... |
| 00:23:36 |
- You are the real me. |
| 00:23:38 |
Well, don't-look, we want to be |
| 00:23:40 |
for our soul, for our sweetness, |
| 00:23:43 |
for our intelligence, yes? |
| 00:23:44 |
- I just want to be loved. |
| 00:23:48 |
I met Edgar- |
| 00:23:50 |
and Edgar called, |
| 00:23:53 |
"Who do you know |
| 00:23:54 |
And Carson said, "There was |
| 00:23:58 |
You should look her up. " |
| 00:24:00 |
I met him, and I married him |
| 00:24:02 |
Was I madly in love with him? |
| 00:24:04 |
Was it a good marriage? |
| 00:24:06 |
I thought marriage was going |
| 00:24:09 |
like in the movies. |
| 00:24:10 |
You walk hand in hand |
| 00:24:13 |
You know what's |
| 00:24:15 |
Filthy dishes, that's what. |
| 00:24:17 |
And socks. |
| 00:24:19 |
- How was the last show |
| 00:24:20 |
- Very good, |
| 00:24:22 |
- Good, good. |
| 00:24:23 |
- Without Edgar, |
| 00:24:25 |
We worked together. |
| 00:24:27 |
We worked on projects together, |
| 00:24:31 |
Any woman that has a child |
| 00:24:34 |
Don't you think? |
| 00:24:35 |
Didn't you yell? |
| 00:24:36 |
- No. |
| 00:24:37 |
It's your one chance |
| 00:24:39 |
When I was having my kid, |
| 00:24:41 |
"Aah! |
| 00:24:45 |
Aah!" |
| 00:24:48 |
And that was just |
| 00:24:50 |
I just... |
| 00:24:52 |
I was dying to be a mother. |
| 00:24:54 |
I couldn't wait to be a mother, |
| 00:24:56 |
and I really worked very hard |
| 00:25:00 |
Of course, I'm sure she felt |
| 00:25:03 |
but I was-I was there |
| 00:25:06 |
and I made sure |
| 00:25:08 |
and she knew it. |
| 00:25:09 |
- And everyone's like, |
| 00:25:11 |
"Oh, what was it like living |
| 00:25:12 |
I'm like, |
| 00:25:14 |
when I was getting grounded, " |
| 00:25:15 |
which is why I always say |
| 00:25:17 |
"You don't realize |
| 00:25:18 |
"how in these |
| 00:25:22 |
"abnormal circumstances |
| 00:25:25 |
what a normal world |
| 00:25:30 |
And that's a testament to them. |
| 00:25:34 |
It's funny because she refers |
| 00:25:37 |
and it dawned on me one day |
| 00:25:40 |
We all work on the career |
| 00:25:44 |
as if it's a totally separate |
| 00:25:49 |
- Melissa, what was |
| 00:25:53 |
when you told her you wanted |
| 00:25:55 |
- What was it we use to say? |
| 00:25:57 |
Supportive yet not encouraging. |
| 00:25:59 |
- Yeah, and still am. |
| 00:26:02 |
- And still am, |
| 00:26:03 |
which is a little late |
| 00:26:04 |
- Yeah, but it- |
| 00:26:05 |
- To be supportive |
| 00:26:07 |
- No, but it's such |
| 00:26:09 |
What I try to do with Melissa, |
| 00:26:12 |
This is the one business |
| 00:26:15 |
it is total rejection. |
| 00:26:17 |
And I'm 75, |
| 00:26:21 |
This business, |
| 00:26:25 |
[Hair dryer blowing] |
| 00:26:28 |
Joce, Joce, are you there? |
| 00:26:30 |
- Yes. |
| 00:26:31 |
- Have you heard from Billy? |
| 00:26:32 |
- I haven't. |
| 00:26:34 |
- All right. |
| 00:26:36 |
I really-I want him there |
| 00:26:39 |
before we go to Edinburgh. |
| 00:26:42 |
I mean, there's Edinburgh. |
| 00:26:44 |
He's got to see the play. |
| 00:26:46 |
- Okay. |
| 00:26:47 |
- So that's my manager, Billy, |
| 00:26:51 |
disappears all the time. |
| 00:26:52 |
Three years ago, |
| 00:26:54 |
and I almost- |
| 00:26:56 |
And then, God, it's, |
| 00:27:00 |
I've known Billy- |
| 00:27:04 |
I could open |
| 00:27:06 |
and you'll, uh- |
| 00:27:08 |
Here. |
| 00:27:10 |
Look, young Billy, young Joan. |
| 00:27:12 |
That's Edgar in the background. |
| 00:27:14 |
And Billy is... |
| 00:27:15 |
Billy is part of my life. |
| 00:27:18 |
And I want to see him now |
| 00:27:22 |
and I need another pair of eyes. |
| 00:27:24 |
I need another brain. |
| 00:27:26 |
I need his input desperately. |
| 00:27:29 |
- Welcome, welcome, welcome, |
| 00:27:33 |
Joan Rivers. ; |
| 00:27:35 |
by a Life in Progress. |
| 00:27:37 |
Okay, here we go. |
| 00:27:38 |
- I am thrilled to be here. |
| 00:27:41 |
I just don't want this |
| 00:27:43 |
- Hello. |
| 00:27:45 |
- No, not-not yet, honey. |
| 00:27:46 |
No, again, you too, back. |
| 00:27:47 |
Go back. |
| 00:27:49 |
Beautiful. |
| 00:27:50 |
Anyhow... |
| 00:27:52 |
Line. |
| 00:27:53 |
"Now, where was I?" |
| 00:27:54 |
- Now, where was I? |
| 00:27:55 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:28:00 |
Bill Cosby, who was |
| 00:28:02 |
was on The Tonight Show, |
| 00:28:03 |
and the comic that was on |
| 00:28:06 |
and Bill, God bless him, |
| 00:28:08 |
and he said, "Listen. |
| 00:28:11 |
She can't be any worse than |
| 00:28:14 |
and that's how they put me on. |
| 00:28:15 |
They put me on the next night. |
| 00:28:16 |
And it was one |
| 00:28:19 |
Do you know, like, |
| 00:28:21 |
Do you know? |
| 00:28:22 |
When the stars are in alignment? |
| 00:28:23 |
And the audience, |
| 00:28:26 |
And Carson, |
| 00:28:28 |
after nine years |
| 00:28:32 |
and strip joints |
| 00:28:34 |
in clubs |
| 00:28:36 |
the hat wouldn't come back- |
| 00:28:37 |
on the air, Carson said to me, |
| 00:28:41 |
And I looked behind me. |
| 00:28:43 |
"Well, who the hell |
| 00:28:45 |
And it was absolutely- |
| 00:28:46 |
it was magical |
| 00:28:48 |
Absolutely magical. |
| 00:28:50 |
- Don't you think men |
| 00:28:52 |
when comes right down to it? |
| 00:28:53 |
- Ugh, please, are we |
| 00:28:55 |
Are you kidding? |
| 00:28:56 |
- Oh, sure, I mean, |
| 00:28:58 |
you know, a caring person. |
| 00:28:59 |
- No man has ever put his hand |
| 00:29:01 |
looking for a library card. |
| 00:29:02 |
I'm sorry. |
| 00:29:03 |
Everyone watched |
| 00:29:06 |
and when Carson said to me |
| 00:29:09 |
my life changed. |
| 00:29:20 |
- And as they say |
| 00:29:22 |
she took off like a rocket. |
| 00:29:24 |
- The Tonight Show |
| 00:29:27 |
and the more guest appearances |
| 00:29:31 |
either guesting with Johnny |
| 00:29:35 |
the bigger and stronger |
| 00:29:36 |
the career was going |
| 00:29:39 |
And then eventually, |
| 00:29:41 |
the permanent guest host |
| 00:29:43 |
which was a big thing. |
| 00:29:48 |
- After 20 years |
| 00:29:51 |
FO X came and offered me |
| 00:29:54 |
and Edgar |
| 00:29:56 |
Of course we said yes. |
| 00:30:00 |
The first person I called |
| 00:30:03 |
He slammed the phone down. |
| 00:30:05 |
He slammed it down again |
| 00:30:09 |
Ever. |
| 00:30:12 |
I think he was furious. |
| 00:30:15 |
I was now a competitor. |
| 00:30:16 |
He literally |
| 00:30:19 |
and to this day, |
| 00:30:20 |
I have not been |
| 00:30:25 |
- As she drove off the NBC lot, |
| 00:30:29 |
"Oh, my God, |
| 00:30:32 |
It was such a bad period. |
| 00:30:37 |
- The Fox show, even before |
| 00:30:40 |
was just a nightmare. |
| 00:30:43 |
Edgar did not like |
| 00:30:46 |
Rupert Murdoch |
| 00:30:48 |
and from the day we walked in, |
| 00:30:52 |
there were fights |
| 00:30:55 |
about whether we should have |
| 00:30:56 |
a Coke machine |
| 00:30:57 |
M&M's or Hershey Kisses. |
| 00:31:00 |
Finally, they called me in |
| 00:31:03 |
and they said, |
| 00:31:06 |
I couldn't do it. |
| 00:31:07 |
I couldn't, uh... |
| 00:31:09 |
I couldn't- |
| 00:31:11 |
Couldn't- |
| 00:31:15 |
- The woman who asked, |
| 00:31:17 |
Joan Rivers, |
| 00:31:19 |
as permanent host |
| 00:31:22 |
- From there, Edgar imploded, |
| 00:31:28 |
He didn't have Joan's strength. |
| 00:31:31 |
He didn't have it. |
| 00:31:34 |
I got a call |
| 00:31:36 |
who was his security company. |
| 00:31:39 |
They said, "Terrible news." |
| 00:31:40 |
"Yes?" |
| 00:31:42 |
"Edgar killed himself |
| 00:31:46 |
- He left us high and dry. |
| 00:31:52 |
Everything just went |
| 00:31:55 |
And he left me with no career |
| 00:32:01 |
because he wasn't |
| 00:32:03 |
and, uh, a lot of tough times. |
| 00:32:11 |
I walk past Edgar's pictures. |
| 00:32:15 |
I feel such sadness, |
| 00:32:25 |
- First off, Mother, |
| 00:32:29 |
Since Daddy died, you have not |
| 00:32:34 |
- Melissa and I, |
| 00:32:35 |
we started immediately |
| 00:32:38 |
separately and together. |
| 00:32:40 |
And then we did something |
| 00:32:45 |
We did a movie |
| 00:32:48 |
where we played ourselves. |
| 00:32:50 |
- Are you angry about something? |
| 00:32:52 |
- I'm angry about a lot |
| 00:32:53 |
- Okay. |
| 00:32:55 |
It sounds so stupid and corny, |
| 00:32:57 |
but I think by |
| 00:33:01 |
it absolutely mended us, |
| 00:33:04 |
totally mended |
| 00:33:07 |
Don't ask, ; I'd have to go |
| 00:33:09 |
to figure that one out. |
| 00:33:10 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:33:15 |
Thank you. |
| 00:33:16 |
- Thank you very much. |
| 00:33:18 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:33:19 |
- Lovely that you came. |
| 00:33:21 |
- I worship you. |
| 00:33:22 |
I worship you. |
| 00:33:23 |
- Get off your knees. |
| 00:33:25 |
- Joan. |
| 00:33:27 |
Joan Rivers, everybody. |
| 00:33:31 |
- Billy sent me this |
| 00:33:34 |
Wait, wait, wait. |
| 00:33:35 |
- Polly wants a fucking cracker. |
| 00:33:37 |
Give Polly |
| 00:33:38 |
Squawk! |
| 00:33:40 |
- Old lady on the cover. |
| 00:33:41 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:33:43 |
Young people, |
| 00:33:45 |
young idea, old lady. |
| 00:33:46 |
- Hold on. |
| 00:33:49 |
Get ready. |
| 00:33:50 |
"Hottest ticket." |
| 00:33:51 |
Isn't it great? |
| 00:33:52 |
And the front page. |
| 00:33:53 |
- Oh. |
| 00:33:54 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:33:58 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:34:01 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:34:04 |
The play went beyond |
| 00:34:08 |
We had great reviews, |
| 00:34:10 |
but who knows what's going |
| 00:34:13 |
It can turn on a dime. |
| 00:34:17 |
[Police siren wails] |
| 00:34:19 |
Now where are we? |
| 00:34:21 |
- Oh, the signage is going up. |
| 00:34:23 |
- Oh, isn't that sweet? |
| 00:34:26 |
This is where we'll make |
| 00:34:29 |
whether or not I'm gonna try |
| 00:34:32 |
Oh, If the reviews are bad, |
| 00:34:33 |
We finished it. |
| 00:34:35 |
But it will not go to New York. |
| 00:34:37 |
- Joan, this is |
| 00:34:39 |
your lighting designer. |
| 00:34:40 |
- Thank God. |
| 00:34:41 |
Soft pink. |
| 00:34:43 |
- Joan didn't want to open |
| 00:34:46 |
because even if it's great, |
| 00:34:48 |
they will not give her |
| 00:34:52 |
because of who she is, |
| 00:34:53 |
that there's nothing she can do |
| 00:35:00 |
- How much does it hold? |
| 00:35:01 |
- Uh, 393... |
| 00:35:03 |
- So it's 400. |
| 00:35:04 |
- Yes, of course. |
| 00:35:06 |
- I have never been |
| 00:35:08 |
I've always been |
| 00:35:11 |
and a Borscht Belt comic |
| 00:35:15 |
there's always an adjective |
| 00:35:18 |
and it's never a nice adjective. |
| 00:35:22 |
I go back to Fun City, |
| 00:35:24 |
which was |
| 00:35:27 |
and they were- |
| 00:35:33 |
It was a horrible experience, |
| 00:35:35 |
and I will not go |
| 00:35:37 |
I mean, I moved us |
| 00:35:39 |
I said, "When that play closes, |
| 00:35:41 |
and we moved |
| 00:35:48 |
I just think they're not going |
| 00:35:52 |
but I didn't spend all this time |
| 00:35:55 |
to have this close. |
| 00:35:57 |
And it breaks my heart |
| 00:36:00 |
- It won't die here. |
| 00:36:01 |
- That's-that's- |
| 00:36:04 |
And I was thinking- |
| 00:36:05 |
- All right, you're not going |
| 00:36:07 |
We won't let this go. |
| 00:36:08 |
And I know it's your w- |
| 00:36:13 |
- I really think it's good. |
| 00:36:14 |
- I know. |
| 00:36:16 |
Okay. |
| 00:36:20 |
- Oh! |
| 00:36:21 |
Hello, press! |
| 00:36:23 |
Be kind. |
| 00:36:25 |
Thank you. |
| 00:36:29 |
I'm very nervous. |
| 00:36:30 |
I don't like opening nights. |
| 00:36:32 |
I think you should celebrate |
| 00:36:34 |
when you're a success. |
| 00:36:36 |
I think anyone that celebrates |
| 00:36:39 |
because you're not-that's- |
| 00:36:41 |
the opening night is your walk |
| 00:36:45 |
So I will be very, very happy |
| 00:36:49 |
and very smug, |
| 00:36:51 |
and I will throw some diva scene |
| 00:36:54 |
when I know I have the power. |
| 00:36:56 |
Right now, I don't know |
| 00:36:58 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:37:00 |
[People murmuring] |
| 00:37:02 |
- You got enough glitter? |
| 00:37:03 |
- Yes. |
| 00:37:04 |
- Okay. |
| 00:37:06 |
- Oh, God, yes. |
| 00:37:07 |
- Plenty. |
| 00:37:08 |
- Plenty of glitter. |
| 00:37:13 |
[Dramatic music] |
| 00:37:17 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:37:22 |
[upbeat orchestral music] |
| 00:37:25 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:37:26 |
Oh, shut that stupid bitch up. |
| 00:37:29 |
Jesus! |
| 00:37:32 |
[Applause] |
| 00:37:35 |
At the end of the show, |
| 00:37:37 |
on the air, |
| 00:37:39 |
"You're going to be a star." |
| 00:37:40 |
Vaginas drop. |
| 00:37:43 |
I did not know this. |
| 00:37:45 |
I am 75 years old, |
| 00:37:46 |
and I tell you, |
| 00:37:48 |
And that is why I'm going to go |
| 00:37:51 |
and the door after that |
| 00:37:54 |
and the door after that |
| 00:37:56 |
and I invite all of you. |
| 00:37:58 |
Come with me! |
| 00:38:00 |
Thank you. |
| 00:38:01 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 00:38:10 |
Whoa. |
| 00:38:11 |
Okay. |
| 00:38:13 |
- That was pretty |
| 00:38:15 |
All stood up right at the end. |
| 00:38:17 |
In America, if this goes out |
| 00:38:20 |
we love you, but you do stand up |
| 00:38:22 |
at the end of shows whether- |
| 00:38:24 |
you know, like you're |
| 00:38:26 |
Here, they don't, |
| 00:38:28 |
- What a triumph! |
| 00:38:31 |
- Not a triumph |
| 00:38:33 |
- I know a triumph |
| 00:38:35 |
- Tonight was a triumph. |
| 00:38:36 |
- I've never laughed so much. |
| 00:38:38 |
- Thank you very much. |
| 00:38:39 |
Sorry to bother you. |
| 00:38:40 |
- You're not bothering me. |
| 00:38:42 |
- I thought you were brilliant. |
| 00:38:43 |
- Are you feeling all the love |
| 00:38:45 |
- No. |
| 00:38:47 |
We'll feel it tomorrow |
| 00:38:49 |
You were such a nice audience. |
| 00:38:52 |
Now, let me ask you, |
| 00:38:53 |
when will we |
| 00:38:55 |
- Tomorrow morning first thing. |
| 00:38:57 |
I'm pretty sure they're |
| 00:39:01 |
- And what does it say? |
| 00:39:03 |
- "Comedy, tragedy, surgery, |
| 00:39:07 |
- Okay. |
| 00:39:08 |
- "If the energy dips slightly |
| 00:39:10 |
that is understandable |
| 00:39:13 |
- They only gave me three stars |
| 00:39:18 |
- Okay, Leicester Square. |
| 00:39:20 |
"All this play-acting |
| 00:39:21 |
"for a night of 'Me, me' Joan. |
| 00:39:23 |
"She is not short on self-pity, |
| 00:39:24 |
"and a passage |
| 00:39:26 |
"with her daughter |
| 00:39:28 |
mind you." |
| 00:39:30 |
- It's so wrong. |
| 00:39:31 |
It ends in a joke, you ass. |
| 00:39:32 |
- Exactly, that's why; |
| 00:39:33 |
he's just not getting |
| 00:39:35 |
"Longer exposure to her |
| 00:39:38 |
"betrays a husky weakness |
| 00:39:40 |
that some may find monotonous." |
| 00:39:44 |
- And I'm thinking, Joce, |
| 00:39:45 |
do I want to take this |
| 00:39:47 |
Do I want to sit in a taxi |
| 00:39:49 |
and hear this |
| 00:39:51 |
I don't know. |
| 00:39:53 |
- I don't know, Jocelyn. |
| 00:39:56 |
I don't know. |
| 00:39:58 |
I don't know. |
| 00:40:04 |
I am not going to walk in |
| 00:40:08 |
and be hurt the way |
| 00:40:11 |
My acting is my one |
| 00:40:17 |
and I will not have anyone |
| 00:40:21 |
You can say |
| 00:40:23 |
It doesn't bother me. |
| 00:40:25 |
You say you didn't like me |
| 00:40:28 |
you've killed me. |
| 00:40:29 |
And I don't want that |
| 00:40:32 |
But I know I'm an actress. |
| 00:40:34 |
It's all about acting. |
| 00:40:36 |
My career |
| 00:40:39 |
and I play a comedian. |
| 00:40:43 |
So it's over. |
| 00:40:48 |
No one will ever take me |
| 00:41:03 |
- Don't be downhearted. |
| 00:41:04 |
Are you downhearted? |
| 00:41:05 |
- I'm not down-I'm just... |
| 00:41:07 |
It's not what I thought |
| 00:41:10 |
What I thought was going |
| 00:41:12 |
we were going to sail in |
| 00:41:14 |
everyone was going to love it, |
| 00:41:16 |
and then we were going to pick |
| 00:41:18 |
and then move it forward |
| 00:41:20 |
but not this, like- |
| 00:41:22 |
and of course, |
| 00:41:24 |
Billy is never around |
| 00:41:26 |
And this is in trouble, |
| 00:41:29 |
Anyhow... |
| 00:41:36 |
The play is over, |
| 00:41:38 |
but I got to take a deep breath |
| 00:41:47 |
[Jet engine roars] |
| 00:41:50 |
[Pensive music] |
| 00:41:53 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:41:57 |
It wouldn't kill you |
| 00:41:59 |
Just remember, when they |
| 00:42:03 |
I can be very butch. |
| 00:42:05 |
- [Laughs] |
| 00:42:06 |
So she'll do anything |
| 00:42:07 |
and really get into it |
| 00:42:10 |
- Okay. |
| 00:42:11 |
- Okay, well, if nobody |
| 00:42:13 |
I'm very depressed. |
| 00:42:15 |
- Bye. |
| 00:42:17 |
- Bye, Steve. |
| 00:42:24 |
- I don't want to retire. |
| 00:42:25 |
I don't want to go |
| 00:42:27 |
I don't want to go and learn |
| 00:42:29 |
I paint. |
| 00:42:32 |
[Phone beeping] |
| 00:42:35 |
- Hello, Emily Hope. |
| 00:42:36 |
- Hi, guys. |
| 00:42:38 |
Explain to us |
| 00:42:47 |
- Yes. |
| 00:42:52 |
- I will do anything. |
| 00:42:53 |
I will knock my teeth out |
| 00:42:57 |
or whatever it is. |
| 00:42:58 |
- I mean, she's done... |
| 00:43:00 |
- I will wear a diaper. |
| 00:43:01 |
I think I should... |
| 00:43:03 |
- Joan has a fanaticism, |
| 00:43:07 |
and works at it every day. |
| 00:43:10 |
I remember once meeting |
| 00:43:12 |
with Richard Pryor, |
| 00:43:13 |
and I sat with him |
| 00:43:15 |
and spent an hour with him, |
| 00:43:17 |
about his career, |
| 00:43:19 |
"what we're going to do is, |
| 00:43:20 |
"we're gonna do this, |
| 00:43:22 |
"and we're gonna plan on this, |
| 00:43:24 |
we're going to do this, |
| 00:43:26 |
And he looked at me, |
| 00:43:28 |
"Larry, that's all great, |
| 00:43:29 |
but what the fuck |
| 00:43:31 |
That's where Joan is: |
| 00:43:33 |
"What the fuck do we |
| 00:43:38 |
- What is this? |
| 00:43:39 |
- That's my thing. |
| 00:43:41 |
I am holding dossiers |
| 00:43:44 |
for the Celebrity Apprentice |
| 00:43:47 |
that we pulled off |
| 00:43:50 |
"Brande." |
| 00:43:54 |
"Turn-ons: |
| 00:43:56 |
"while spending time |
| 00:43:58 |
and my beautiful puppy, |
| 00:44:00 |
- Aww. |
| 00:44:02 |
"Turn-offs: Negative people |
| 00:44:04 |
and have no respect |
| 00:44:06 |
Well, she's going to hate me. |
| 00:44:07 |
- Yeah, exactly. |
| 00:44:09 |
- I'm doing |
| 00:44:10 |
because it's face time on NBC |
| 00:44:13 |
and NBC has not let me be on NBC |
| 00:44:18 |
- I didn't want her to do it. |
| 00:44:21 |
I thought it was F-class people, |
| 00:44:23 |
but it is face time, |
| 00:44:29 |
- And I think they'd be stupid |
| 00:44:32 |
the first four shows. |
| 00:44:35 |
But I may be very free |
| 00:44:40 |
I think they're not going |
| 00:44:43 |
because I'm the only one |
| 00:44:46 |
Even though Donald says, |
| 00:44:49 |
- "Entrepreneurs." |
| 00:44:50 |
- "Entrepreneur-celebrities." |
| 00:44:54 |
- And you know, Billy, |
| 00:44:55 |
in the press release, |
| 00:44:56 |
that I was told that Paul Newman |
| 00:44:59 |
[laughter] |
| 00:45:01 |
I am actually very excited |
| 00:45:04 |
because Melissa, my daughter, |
| 00:45:06 |
is going to be |
| 00:45:08 |
which means we'll have a lot |
| 00:45:13 |
You haven't had |
| 00:45:14 |
- No. |
| 00:45:15 |
- Jesus fucking Christ, Melissa. |
| 00:45:18 |
- Why? |
| 00:45:19 |
- You've got 40 minutes. |
| 00:45:20 |
- That's more than enough. |
| 00:45:22 |
- All right, |
| 00:45:23 |
- That's more than enough, Mom. |
| 00:45:24 |
- No, it's not. |
| 00:45:26 |
- All right. |
| 00:45:29 |
Melissa red-eyed in |
| 00:45:32 |
and we start taping |
| 00:45:37 |
You got to stop smoking |
| 00:45:39 |
I went to a pulmonary guy today. |
| 00:45:42 |
What? |
| 00:45:43 |
- No, no, no. |
| 00:45:44 |
I brought all my gum with me. |
| 00:45:46 |
I'm down to, like, |
| 00:45:47 |
That's it. |
| 00:45:48 |
- I'm telling you... |
| 00:45:50 |
- I know, but that's, you know- |
| 00:45:51 |
be supportive |
| 00:45:52 |
- He said women |
| 00:45:55 |
to cigarettes than men. |
| 00:45:57 |
- All I'm saying is, I'm down |
| 00:46:00 |
- He said more women |
| 00:46:01 |
than breast cancer. |
| 00:46:03 |
And nobody's discussing it. |
| 00:46:05 |
So that's very interesting. |
| 00:46:06 |
- Well, I'm down to, like, |
| 00:46:08 |
- Yeah, but I'm just |
| 00:46:10 |
- I'm just saying I know. |
| 00:46:12 |
- I know, but I'm just saying, |
| 00:46:14 |
that I've gotten down to that. |
| 00:46:15 |
- He scared the bejesus |
| 00:46:21 |
The great pressure is, |
| 00:46:22 |
what if she gets voted off |
| 00:46:25 |
It's going to be |
| 00:46:27 |
I would rather |
| 00:46:30 |
I know that |
| 00:46:36 |
I know that and so... |
| 00:46:39 |
because I don't want ever |
| 00:46:42 |
brighter than Melissa |
| 00:46:45 |
I just don't want- |
| 00:46:47 |
I don't compete with her |
| 00:46:49 |
- I believe that consciously |
| 00:46:53 |
and then even if I did win, |
| 00:46:58 |
but I don't think |
| 00:47:01 |
- Okay, see you later. |
| 00:47:04 |
- In the business, |
| 00:47:07 |
You got to protect yourself. |
| 00:47:09 |
And my mother will tell you |
| 00:47:13 |
but then she'll do something |
| 00:47:15 |
that is very destructive. |
| 00:47:17 |
And I think it's |
| 00:47:20 |
because I truly think |
| 00:47:22 |
it's completely subconscious |
| 00:47:26 |
Will you open that? |
| 00:47:27 |
- Okay. |
| 00:47:29 |
- That's a nice |
| 00:47:30 |
- These are |
| 00:47:32 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:47:33 |
- I feel very out of place. |
| 00:47:35 |
I'm the oldest by far. |
| 00:47:37 |
They all were talking |
| 00:47:39 |
and for a long time, |
| 00:47:41 |
and I felt very isolated. |
| 00:47:43 |
- Well, see, I think you also |
| 00:47:46 |
I think you don't make any- |
| 00:47:48 |
you made no effort to be, |
| 00:47:51 |
- I stood there- |
| 00:47:52 |
- Well, no, but I'm saying, |
| 00:47:53 |
but you were |
| 00:47:55 |
and I tried to introduce you |
| 00:47:56 |
and you were already like, |
| 00:47:57 |
"Uh, hi, bye," |
| 00:47:59 |
and that's what people |
| 00:48:01 |
Hell, I wouldn't walk |
| 00:48:02 |
- Well, they didn't. |
| 00:48:03 |
- But you made- |
| 00:48:05 |
You don't realize |
| 00:48:07 |
All stand-ups |
| 00:48:11 |
Who would stand on a stage |
| 00:48:16 |
"Laugh at me. |
| 00:48:18 |
I don't care. |
| 00:48:20 |
And I think that's just sort of |
| 00:48:23 |
Overall, I just- |
| 00:48:25 |
growing up in the world |
| 00:48:27 |
They're all very damaged, |
| 00:48:30 |
It's all a cover. |
| 00:48:35 |
- It's been a bloodbath. |
| 00:48:39 |
They don't play fair. |
| 00:48:42 |
They cheat. |
| 00:48:43 |
- So Melissa was fired, |
| 00:48:46 |
and I know Joan was very upset. |
| 00:48:49 |
- She is a snake. |
| 00:48:51 |
- Annie Duke was on a team |
| 00:48:54 |
and absolutely conspired |
| 00:48:58 |
- Annie Douche, |
| 00:49:02 |
Would you right now, Graham, |
| 00:49:04 |
onto my blog |
| 00:49:06 |
it should be, |
| 00:49:08 |
she should kiss my ass." |
| 00:49:10 |
She should kiss my Jewish ass, |
| 00:49:12 |
but not with those |
| 00:49:14 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:49:16 |
Not with those big pig lips. |
| 00:49:18 |
That's it: |
| 00:49:20 |
but not with those |
| 00:49:23 |
Do you think that's too rough? |
| 00:49:26 |
So tell me, you didn't think it |
| 00:49:29 |
- No, I just thought |
| 00:49:31 |
moderately fair. |
| 00:49:32 |
And my concern is |
| 00:49:36 |
because I have more of |
| 00:49:39 |
So that's a little unsettling. |
| 00:49:43 |
- It meant you're going |
| 00:49:45 |
and they already said, |
| 00:49:46 |
you really called them |
| 00:49:48 |
So that's there. |
| 00:49:49 |
- But if they cut it to show |
| 00:49:52 |
- Oh, they're not going |
| 00:49:53 |
you were telling the truth, |
| 00:49:56 |
They're going to show |
| 00:49:57 |
But you also came back, |
| 00:50:00 |
and you also- |
| 00:50:01 |
I think it makes you |
| 00:50:03 |
Melissa, frankly. |
| 00:50:06 |
- You have done |
| 00:50:08 |
but, Melissa, you're fired. |
| 00:50:10 |
- Whore! |
| 00:50:11 |
I want my [bleep], |
| 00:50:13 |
Not getting without it. |
| 00:50:17 |
- It makes me very upset |
| 00:50:21 |
It wasn't even hurt. |
| 00:50:23 |
It was the frustration |
| 00:50:26 |
It is such a cruel business. |
| 00:50:30 |
Sometimes, I just want |
| 00:50:32 |
"Why in God's name |
| 00:50:34 |
to such punishment?" |
| 00:50:36 |
I mean, mine is not a choice. |
| 00:50:39 |
Mine is, uh... |
| 00:50:40 |
Mine is-I always say, |
| 00:50:42 |
people say, "Why are you |
| 00:50:44 |
Ask a nun why she's a nun. |
| 00:50:45 |
That's my drive at 4:00 |
| 00:50:48 |
It's-I have no choice. |
| 00:50:50 |
And that's where I was |
| 00:50:53 |
I could figure it out. |
| 00:50:55 |
No question where I was going. |
| 00:50:58 |
There were no drugs. |
| 00:51:00 |
There was no any- |
| 00:51:03 |
That's where I was going, |
| 00:51:12 |
[Sirens wailing] |
| 00:51:16 |
[Light guitar music] |
| 00:51:19 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:51:27 |
Mohammed, it's going to be |
| 00:51:29 |
We're doing two shows tonight. |
| 00:51:31 |
- Joan Rivers? |
| 00:51:33 |
- Do you mind autographing this |
| 00:51:34 |
- Oh, my goodness. |
| 00:51:36 |
I love you. |
| 00:51:37 |
- Every Wednesday night |
| 00:51:39 |
I work in some tiny little club |
| 00:51:41 |
I just talk about anything |
| 00:51:44 |
Thank you. |
| 00:51:45 |
- You don't get the recognition |
| 00:51:47 |
- Damn right, William. |
| 00:51:50 |
Okay, see? |
| 00:51:53 |
I have William. |
| 00:51:55 |
The minute you're not angry |
| 00:51:57 |
the minute you're not upset |
| 00:51:59 |
what are you talking about? |
| 00:52:00 |
"Oh, my grandson was so cute." |
| 00:52:03 |
It's not my comedy. |
| 00:52:04 |
I'm furious about everything, |
| 00:52:08 |
Good things don't always happen |
| 00:52:12 |
and I'm very angry about it. |
| 00:52:14 |
But if I didn't have the anger, |
| 00:52:17 |
Anger fuels the comedy. |
| 00:52:20 |
I hate everybody. |
| 00:52:22 |
I hate old people. |
| 00:52:24 |
I hate ugly children. |
| 00:52:25 |
I hate fat people. |
| 00:52:26 |
I hated China. |
| 00:52:28 |
I hate whiners. |
| 00:52:29 |
Oh, I hate dead people. |
| 00:52:31 |
I even have the three wise men |
| 00:52:33 |
I love anal sex 'cause you |
| 00:52:37 |
It's like... |
| 00:52:40 |
You can iron. |
| 00:52:41 |
You can read a book. |
| 00:52:44 |
Get your emails |
| 00:52:46 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:52:53 |
[Upbeat guitar music] |
| 00:52:56 |
[Music continues] |
| 00:53:07 |
- Well, right now, |
| 00:53:10 |
the 17-foot table up the stairs. |
| 00:53:13 |
These two guys just walked it up |
| 00:53:16 |
Bring it right here. |
| 00:53:18 |
- Today is Thanksgiving. ; |
| 00:53:20 |
favorite time of the year, |
| 00:53:23 |
Melissa and Cooper come, |
| 00:53:26 |
and then I invite my friends, |
| 00:53:29 |
or single women or my neighbors |
| 00:53:32 |
It's sad. |
| 00:53:34 |
- Why is that? |
| 00:53:35 |
- I don't know, |
| 00:53:37 |
you have fewer friends |
| 00:53:39 |
and I know when |
| 00:53:42 |
there are maybe three people |
| 00:53:45 |
when maybe 15 years ago, |
| 00:53:47 |
there would have been six people |
| 00:53:49 |
So many people are dying, |
| 00:53:53 |
They'd better eat fast tonight. |
| 00:53:55 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:53:57 |
Oh, it's cold! |
| 00:54:00 |
Every Thanksgiving, |
| 00:54:02 |
from God's Love We Deliver |
| 00:54:05 |
to people that absolutely |
| 00:54:08 |
This year I asked my grandson |
| 00:54:12 |
If you what? |
| 00:54:15 |
If we can stop |
| 00:54:17 |
his PSP is broken. |
| 00:54:19 |
But If you're very good, |
| 00:54:22 |
I'll buy you a new one |
| 00:54:24 |
- Well, my friend had three |
| 00:54:27 |
- That's very nice. |
| 00:54:28 |
Is this the one he gave you? |
| 00:54:30 |
- Yes. |
| 00:54:31 |
- He had three of them? |
| 00:54:34 |
Has he got a single grandfather? |
| 00:54:36 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:54:46 |
I love your hands. |
| 00:54:49 |
They're great hands, Cooper. |
| 00:54:52 |
At God's Love We Deliver, |
| 00:54:55 |
and I'm on the board, |
| 00:54:57 |
that were going, |
| 00:54:59 |
Well, now AIDS is chronic, |
| 00:55:01 |
and I am still delivering |
| 00:55:03 |
I am so pissed. |
| 00:55:04 |
I am so- |
| 00:55:06 |
Thanksgiving morning, |
| 00:55:08 |
the guy opens the door, |
| 00:55:11 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:55:14 |
"This is the third fucking |
| 00:55:17 |
"Miss Rivers, |
| 00:55:19 |
I'm on my way to the gym." |
| 00:55:20 |
"The gym? |
| 00:55:24 |
"You're going to die today. |
| 00:55:25 |
AIDS or me; |
| 00:55:29 |
- Oh, look. |
| 00:55:31 |
- Oh, "God's Love We Deliver." |
| 00:55:33 |
Aw, how nice is that? |
| 00:55:34 |
You want to ring? |
| 00:55:35 |
[Doorbell rings] |
| 00:55:36 |
Hello, hello. |
| 00:55:38 |
- I'm Joan Rivers. |
| 00:55:41 |
And how nice to see you. |
| 00:55:42 |
- Joan Rivers? |
| 00:55:44 |
The Joan Rivers? |
| 00:55:45 |
- I pay her bills. |
| 00:55:46 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:55:47 |
- You have entertained me |
| 00:55:51 |
- I'm so glad. |
| 00:55:52 |
- I'm a photographer. |
| 00:55:54 |
- Yeah, you can see |
| 00:55:56 |
that's wonderful. |
| 00:55:57 |
- Right there, I photographed |
| 00:55:59 |
for 20 years, |
| 00:56:00 |
every time they changed |
| 00:56:04 |
- Oh, how brilliant is that? |
| 00:56:06 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:56:07 |
- Where was it shown? |
| 00:56:08 |
- Life magazine. |
| 00:56:10 |
I have taken |
| 00:56:12 |
so you might even know my work. |
| 00:56:15 |
Look up FloFox. Com. |
| 00:56:19 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:56:21 |
- I can't wait |
| 00:56:22 |
and go home and look you up. |
| 00:56:24 |
- Flo Fox, baby. |
| 00:56:28 |
- I'm with Flo Fox right now. |
| 00:56:29 |
What happened that caused |
| 00:56:32 |
- I believe it's connected |
| 00:56:34 |
I walk with a cane. |
| 00:56:37 |
First my eyes went and... |
| 00:56:38 |
- Oh, it's so sad. |
| 00:56:41 |
There's this sexy, |
| 00:56:46 |
New York, tough, |
| 00:56:49 |
- It's amazing isn't it? |
| 00:56:50 |
- Life is so mean. |
| 00:56:59 |
[People talking at once] |
| 00:57:09 |
[Glass clinking] |
| 00:57:10 |
And I thank you all |
| 00:57:12 |
This morning, I delivered meals |
| 00:57:15 |
for God's Love We Deliver, |
| 00:57:19 |
we are so blessed. |
| 00:57:20 |
We are so blessed, |
| 00:57:23 |
that I ever step |
| 00:57:25 |
I know it sounds silly. |
| 00:57:26 |
Since 1968, they've been sending |
| 00:57:31 |
and I never get into one |
| 00:57:33 |
"Thank you, God. |
| 00:57:36 |
And I thank you all |
| 00:57:38 |
and I thank God for |
| 00:57:40 |
- Hear! Hear! |
| 00:57:42 |
[Applause] |
| 00:57:43 |
[Laughter] |
| 00:57:45 |
[Car horn honks] |
| 00:57:52 |
- We are at the Kennedy Center, |
| 00:57:55 |
I am here to do a tribute |
| 00:57:59 |
I find this whole thing |
| 00:58:01 |
This is everything |
| 00:58:04 |
George hated the establishment. |
| 00:58:07 |
George hated the people that |
| 00:58:09 |
which are going to be |
| 00:58:11 |
very wealthy Republicans. |
| 00:58:14 |
All the things |
| 00:58:16 |
tonight will all be negated |
| 00:58:18 |
because he's getting |
| 00:58:21 |
It would be like me getting |
| 00:58:23 |
from the German Bund. |
| 00:58:25 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:58:28 |
"And now for funniest Jewess |
| 00:58:32 |
Joan Rosenberg Rivers!" |
| 00:58:37 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:58:40 |
But, um, there's |
| 00:58:43 |
for this type of an event |
| 00:58:44 |
because I'm always left out |
| 00:58:46 |
So for me, this is nice |
| 00:58:49 |
because I'm usually |
| 00:58:55 |
Once a Jew, always a Jew. |
| 00:58:58 |
[Laughs] |
| 00:59:00 |
I'm going in |
| 00:59:02 |
- Have you seen that shower |
| 00:59:04 |
It's kind of interesting. |
| 00:59:05 |
- Ugh. |
| 00:59:06 |
Oh, look. |
| 00:59:07 |
- Now it is. |
| 00:59:10 |
[Aerosol can hissing] |
| 00:59:13 |
- The writers are ready |
| 00:59:15 |
- I'm ready for the writers. |
| 00:59:16 |
- Okay. |
| 00:59:17 |
- Okay, where are the writers? |
| 00:59:18 |
They're coming in here? |
| 00:59:20 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:59:21 |
- Now, is it just the two of us? |
| 00:59:22 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:59:23 |
- Miss Rivers, the "fuck" thing, |
| 00:59:25 |
I know the executive producers |
| 00:59:26 |
are a little concerned |
| 00:59:27 |
- Yes, and well they should be. |
| 00:59:29 |
I probably will have one "fuck" |
| 00:59:31 |
- That's fine. |
| 00:59:33 |
- No, exactly. |
| 00:59:34 |
And it will be bleeped for TV. |
| 00:59:36 |
- I have no problems. |
| 00:59:38 |
Thanks, Joan. |
| 00:59:39 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:59:40 |
They're all going to be |
| 00:59:45 |
See, when you see the lineup, |
| 00:59:48 |
had 12 writers work on this, |
| 00:59:51 |
and you know, uh, Garry had |
| 00:59:55 |
And you know all these people- |
| 00:59:58 |
They all have |
| 01:00:01 |
- Wow. |
| 01:00:03 |
[People speaking indistinctly] |
| 01:00:06 |
- You know, there's a lot |
| 01:00:11 |
[laughter] |
| 01:00:12 |
- Joan, um, what is it like |
| 01:00:16 |
I'm sure there are comedians |
| 01:00:18 |
"You were an inspiration." |
| 01:00:19 |
- I'm not ready to be an icon, |
| 01:00:20 |
and I'm not ready |
| 01:00:22 |
Fuck you. |
| 01:00:23 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:00:25 |
- Lewis Black. |
| 01:00:30 |
Ben E. King. |
| 01:00:32 |
- Dennis Leary. |
| 01:00:33 |
- Bill Maher. |
| 01:00:35 |
- Joan Rivers. |
| 01:00:37 |
- Garry Shandling. |
| 01:00:39 |
- Jon Stewart. |
| 01:00:42 |
- Ben Stiller. |
| 01:00:44 |
- And Lily Tomlin. |
| 01:00:46 |
- Ladies and gentlemen, |
| 01:00:49 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:00:52 |
[Applause] |
| 01:00:54 |
[Joan speaking indistinctly] |
| 01:01:00 |
- The Smothers Brothers |
| 01:01:03 |
And it was such a great time |
| 01:01:05 |
[Applause] |
| 01:01:14 |
- Few people are always funny, |
| 01:01:16 |
but certainly one |
| 01:01:19 |
is our next presenter, |
| 01:01:20 |
the fabulous Joan Rivers, |
| 01:01:24 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:01:29 |
- We use to play |
| 01:01:31 |
Literally, |
| 01:01:33 |
You passed the hat, |
| 01:01:34 |
and some nights, |
| 01:01:36 |
with a severed head. |
| 01:01:38 |
Some nights... |
| 01:01:39 |
[laughter] |
| 01:01:40 |
And they asked me to say |
| 01:01:42 |
and I kept thinking |
| 01:01:45 |
You cannot sum George Carlin up |
| 01:01:47 |
Give me at least seven. |
| 01:01:50 |
And... |
| 01:01:52 |
[laughter and applause] |
| 01:01:55 |
- You were so funny. |
| 01:01:59 |
- I think today went very well. |
| 01:02:01 |
I think I did not embarrass |
| 01:02:04 |
I think I was fine. |
| 01:02:06 |
I think I was funnier |
| 01:02:09 |
not as funny |
| 01:02:11 |
but, uh, yeah, |
| 01:02:17 |
[Dramatic guitar music] |
| 01:02:20 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:02:26 |
- I am getting ready to go |
| 01:02:28 |
I've never done an act before |
| 01:02:31 |
- [Laughs] |
| 01:02:33 |
- They'll stare at me |
| 01:02:34 |
"Where are the gays?" |
| 01:02:36 |
They're going to tell us, |
| 01:02:38 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:02:40 |
Why am I going to Wisconsin? |
| 01:02:42 |
A thing called money. |
| 01:02:44 |
They're so desperate to get me, |
| 01:02:46 |
That's why I'm going |
| 01:02:49 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:02:53 |
I worked last night. |
| 01:02:55 |
I worked in Toronto |
| 01:02:58 |
on The Shopping Channel. |
| 01:03:00 |
Then I got up at 5:00 to make |
| 01:03:05 |
to Chicago. |
| 01:03:06 |
And then from Chicago, |
| 01:03:08 |
what they call, "puddle jumper." |
| 01:03:10 |
It was adorable. |
| 01:03:12 |
How is the gay community here? |
| 01:03:14 |
- That I really don't know. |
| 01:03:16 |
- Oh, see. |
| 01:03:18 |
Ask your cousin. |
| 01:03:19 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:03:21 |
Ask your wife's brother. |
| 01:03:23 |
- Is this the most |
| 01:03:25 |
- No-oh, no. |
| 01:03:26 |
- Well, where is |
| 01:03:28 |
you've ever played? |
| 01:03:29 |
- The most remote place |
| 01:03:31 |
was Reykjavik, Iceland. |
| 01:03:33 |
I've played them all. |
| 01:03:36 |
Oh, are they wrong. |
| 01:03:38 |
That was called the Texas Motel. |
| 01:03:40 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:03:42 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:03:44 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:03:51 |
Some places, as you know, |
| 01:03:54 |
This would not be |
| 01:03:59 |
The audience is going to be |
| 01:04:02 |
I have a feeling, |
| 01:04:04 |
They're going to get |
| 01:04:06 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:04:08 |
Get the check. |
| 01:04:09 |
Yeah, right. |
| 01:04:10 |
Whatever I do on stage... |
| 01:04:13 |
Are they gonna clean |
| 01:04:15 |
Because I kind of roll around |
| 01:04:17 |
It's a little... |
| 01:04:18 |
Ick. |
| 01:04:20 |
Aren't you the makeup person? |
| 01:04:22 |
You win the award, |
| 01:04:24 |
Don't you have your makeup? |
| 01:04:25 |
Aren't you the makeup girl? |
| 01:04:27 |
She's the makeup girl, |
| 01:04:30 |
"May." |
| 01:04:34 |
Good month. |
| 01:04:35 |
- Of next year. |
| 01:04:36 |
- May of next year. |
| 01:04:39 |
You leave New York, |
| 01:04:42 |
you leave the world. |
| 01:04:46 |
But that's what |
| 01:04:50 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:04:54 |
First of all, where are- |
| 01:04:57 |
What the hell is going- |
| 01:04:59 |
I was out in the casino. |
| 01:05:00 |
A guy put a quarter in, |
| 01:05:04 |
Uh, well, never mind Viagra. |
| 01:05:07 |
36 fucking hours |
| 01:05:12 |
An 85-year-old man |
| 01:05:16 |
That's devil's work. |
| 01:05:18 |
And on these poor, |
| 01:05:21 |
And these guys on top of them, |
| 01:05:22 |
in and out, in and out, |
| 01:05:24 |
They're going to set them |
| 01:05:26 |
It's-yes. |
| 01:05:29 |
Ugh, I hate children. |
| 01:05:30 |
[Groans] |
| 01:05:33 |
The only child that I think |
| 01:05:35 |
was Helen Keller |
| 01:05:37 |
It is just... |
| 01:05:39 |
[laughter] |
| 01:05:41 |
- Not very funny. |
| 01:05:42 |
- Yes, it is. |
| 01:05:44 |
And if you don't, then leave! |
| 01:05:45 |
- It's not very funny |
| 01:05:47 |
- I happen to have |
| 01:05:49 |
Oh, you stupid ass. |
| 01:05:50 |
Let me tell you |
| 01:05:52 |
- You go ahead and tell me |
| 01:05:54 |
- Oh, please. |
| 01:05:56 |
Comedy is to make everybody |
| 01:05:58 |
and deal with things, |
| 01:06:01 |
My mother is deaf, |
| 01:06:05 |
Don't tell me. |
| 01:06:07 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:06:08 |
And just in case |
| 01:06:10 |
I lived for nine years |
| 01:06:13 |
Okay, you asshole? |
| 01:06:14 |
And we're going to talk about |
| 01:06:16 |
to have a man with one leg |
| 01:06:20 |
and never went back to get it, |
| 01:06:21 |
because that's |
| 01:06:23 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:06:26 |
So don't you tell me |
| 01:06:30 |
Comedy is to make us laugh. |
| 01:06:31 |
9/11? |
| 01:06:34 |
If we didn't laugh, |
| 01:06:37 |
Think about that. |
| 01:06:38 |
Where the hell would we all be? |
| 01:06:41 |
How can you not find Osama? |
| 01:06:43 |
There is one- |
| 01:06:46 |
He's on dialysis. |
| 01:06:48 |
There is one outlet |
| 01:06:50 |
Find the plug... |
| 01:06:52 |
[laughter] |
| 01:06:54 |
And follow the cord. |
| 01:06:57 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:07:01 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:07:12 |
Well, okay. |
| 01:07:15 |
How about that? |
| 01:07:17 |
"I have a- |
| 01:07:21 |
Oh, what a good way to build. |
| 01:07:25 |
That was |
| 01:07:27 |
It throws you terribly, |
| 01:07:29 |
the audience is so nervous |
| 01:07:35 |
Your mind is going |
| 01:07:38 |
"Where am I going to go? |
| 01:07:40 |
Where am I going to take them?" |
| 01:07:44 |
So there are two things |
| 01:07:45 |
your mouth and your head. |
| 01:07:48 |
Luckily, I was able |
| 01:07:53 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:07:55 |
I've never laughed so hard |
| 01:07:56 |
- Oh, you were |
| 01:07:58 |
and that makes |
| 01:07:59 |
- Oh, I know, |
| 01:08:01 |
- I'm sorry for him. |
| 01:08:02 |
- I was ready to get up |
| 01:08:04 |
- He has a deaf son. |
| 01:08:06 |
- I know, but he's got |
| 01:08:08 |
- Comedy. |
| 01:08:09 |
- I felt terribly sorry |
| 01:08:14 |
and of course he's angry. |
| 01:08:15 |
Of course he's angry. |
| 01:08:17 |
I get that, but don't ruin |
| 01:08:20 |
But maybe it got it out of him, |
| 01:08:22 |
and maybe it's good |
| 01:08:24 |
He had kind of a catharsis. |
| 01:08:26 |
And you're driving us? |
| 01:08:28 |
- Have you been drinking? |
| 01:08:29 |
- Have you been drugging? |
| 01:08:31 |
- Have you been whoring? |
| 01:08:33 |
- I may have been. |
| 01:08:34 |
- Okay, well, that's good. |
| 01:08:36 |
Then you'll be relaxed. |
| 01:08:38 |
You ought to just head |
| 01:08:40 |
and just get me home. |
| 01:08:42 |
There's nothing like |
| 01:08:45 |
Nothing like your own bed. |
| 01:08:53 |
[Car horns honking] |
| 01:08:55 |
They called my agent. |
| 01:08:56 |
They wanted to get |
| 01:08:58 |
He said no. |
| 01:08:59 |
They wanted to get |
| 01:09:00 |
He said no. |
| 01:09:01 |
So I said, |
| 01:09:03 |
And I'll do it." |
| 01:09:04 |
Extend. |
| 01:09:06 |
Extend, which is, |
| 01:09:11 |
and the man's penis |
| 01:09:14 |
Not penile enlargement, |
| 01:09:16 |
just, "Oh, look, |
| 01:09:20 |
- Joan will turn |
| 01:09:24 |
Nothing. |
| 01:09:25 |
- And she hears |
| 01:09:28 |
every minute of every hour |
| 01:09:33 |
- I'm going to Palm Springs |
| 01:09:37 |
Do you know what this is for? |
| 01:09:38 |
- The Betty Ford Clinic. |
| 01:09:39 |
- This is |
| 01:09:40 |
so they'll be very serious |
| 01:09:43 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:09:45 |
All right, well, uh, |
| 01:09:46 |
Are they lining you up |
| 01:09:48 |
All right. |
| 01:09:49 |
Okay. |
| 01:09:50 |
"Sorry, bitch. |
| 01:09:52 |
"I'm not Carol Channing, |
| 01:09:54 |
Much love, Joan Rivers." |
| 01:09:55 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:09:57 |
- I have Ss, sibilant Ss. |
| 01:09:59 |
Ss, ss. |
| 01:10:01 |
Even a little more. |
| 01:10:02 |
If you take out the top |
| 01:10:04 |
that usually works pretty well. |
| 01:10:08 |
- This is the early Joan, |
| 01:10:10 |
"Oh, darling. |
| 01:10:12 |
Oh, does this tampon |
| 01:10:17 |
- We're going to go |
| 01:10:19 |
- I'll follow you. |
| 01:10:21 |
- I love that the nails |
| 01:10:22 |
I think that's so fabulous. |
| 01:10:24 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:10:26 |
- Nice to meet you. |
| 01:10:28 |
- Be careful. |
| 01:10:30 |
Victoria Beckham, |
| 01:10:32 |
"Uch, uch, does the tampon |
| 01:10:34 |
I can't stand her. |
| 01:10:39 |
Okay. |
| 01:10:42 |
And we're going |
| 01:10:44 |
- Yes. It's cold there. |
| 01:10:48 |
[Dramatic music] |
| 01:10:51 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:11:00 |
- All right. |
| 01:11:03 |
You were terrific. |
| 01:11:04 |
- Pleasure meeting you. |
| 01:11:05 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:11:11 |
Hello. |
| 01:11:14 |
I don't care |
| 01:11:18 |
No one is to call my room |
| 01:11:22 |
- Okay. |
| 01:11:28 |
- Save your money |
| 01:11:30 |
that you don't have to whore |
| 01:11:34 |
To be roasted, |
| 01:11:36 |
- Oh, God. |
| 01:11:38 |
- I know, but the money |
| 01:11:42 |
I am so depressed. |
| 01:11:43 |
I can't even go there |
| 01:11:46 |
This-this is the cherry |
| 01:11:49 |
Mohammed, could you stop |
| 01:11:51 |
so I can get out |
| 01:11:54 |
And could you just run me over? |
| 01:11:56 |
End it now, Mohammed. |
| 01:11:58 |
- It can't be... |
| 01:12:00 |
- Oh, do you know the jokes? |
| 01:12:02 |
Every joke is going to be |
| 01:12:06 |
It comes back at you, |
| 01:12:08 |
- Yep. |
| 01:12:09 |
- God. |
| 01:12:11 |
- Miss Rivers |
| 01:12:13 |
[Bell rings] |
| 01:12:15 |
- Slate here. |
| 01:12:17 |
- And action. |
| 01:12:20 |
- This tastes like urine! |
| 01:12:22 |
- You crazy fucking bitch. |
| 01:12:26 |
- The crew loves me. |
| 01:12:29 |
They keep telling you |
| 01:12:32 |
I'm telling you that if |
| 01:12:34 |
I wouldn't be doing this. |
| 01:12:36 |
- By the way, did you know |
| 01:12:39 |
a roast in my life? |
| 01:12:40 |
- It's so disgusting. |
| 01:12:41 |
- They're not disgusting. |
| 01:12:42 |
It is an honor. |
| 01:12:45 |
No, don't make that face. |
| 01:12:46 |
- But the money is very good. |
| 01:12:47 |
- The money is good, |
| 01:12:49 |
I mean, I'm an artist, |
| 01:12:51 |
for the art like you are. |
| 01:12:52 |
- Yes, precisely. |
| 01:12:53 |
- Couple of artists, |
| 01:12:55 |
sitting around, |
| 01:12:56 |
- Joan will cross to her seat, |
| 01:13:00 |
in, let's say, |
| 01:13:03 |
- Talk about lucky! |
| 01:13:04 |
Brad and Angelina |
| 01:13:07 |
Look at them! |
| 01:13:08 |
Go on down now. |
| 01:13:11 |
Fuck. Sh- |
| 01:13:12 |
- Okay, no, no, don't go yet. |
| 01:13:14 |
- We're just-and this is- |
| 01:13:15 |
At this point, |
| 01:13:17 |
- Could somebody |
| 01:13:19 |
No, no, really. |
| 01:13:21 |
Don't bother. |
| 01:13:23 |
- You know, if everybody's |
| 01:13:25 |
that joke probably |
| 01:13:27 |
- I beg you. |
| 01:13:29 |
I will wait until |
| 01:13:32 |
I will get up here- |
| 01:13:33 |
- They will not sit down |
| 01:13:35 |
- Well, then, they're going |
| 01:13:37 |
I'm pleading with you, |
| 01:13:40 |
or it's not going to be funny. |
| 01:13:42 |
I'm begging you. |
| 01:13:45 |
I will thank them, |
| 01:13:46 |
and then I will either |
| 01:13:50 |
I will do something funny, |
| 01:13:55 |
[Applause] |
| 01:13:59 |
- Hello, hello, hello! |
| 01:14:02 |
We are here |
| 01:14:04 |
of a groundbreaking comedian |
| 01:14:08 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:14:10 |
- How much worse |
| 01:14:12 |
than that clown mask you've had |
| 01:14:16 |
- Look at her. |
| 01:14:18 |
Freddie Cougar. |
| 01:14:20 |
- Joan's face has been lifted |
| 01:14:23 |
that when she sneezes, |
| 01:14:27 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:14:28 |
- I get mad at myself. |
| 01:14:29 |
I think, at this age, |
| 01:14:31 |
you've been doing it |
| 01:14:33 |
and you shouldn't let them |
| 01:14:36 |
but they do. |
| 01:14:38 |
I did the Comedy Central roast, |
| 01:14:41 |
[Audience cheers] |
| 01:14:42 |
And, uh, yeah, which was great, |
| 01:14:44 |
I-I was-they-they- |
| 01:14:46 |
they said such mean, |
| 01:14:48 |
they called me a whore |
| 01:14:49 |
and a this and a that. |
| 01:14:51 |
I kept thinking, |
| 01:14:53 |
It is just... |
| 01:14:54 |
[laughter] |
| 01:14:55 |
Oh, oh, sure. |
| 01:15:00 |
It's like Marie Antoinette. |
| 01:15:02 |
Yeah, like you're going to do |
| 01:15:04 |
Fuck you. |
| 01:15:05 |
It is just... |
| 01:15:08 |
when she lasts 45 years, |
| 01:15:11 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:15:12 |
Just kidding. |
| 01:15:14 |
I love Kathy. |
| 01:15:20 |
- Where's Billy these days? |
| 01:15:21 |
- I have no idea. |
| 01:15:23 |
He's no longer |
| 01:15:25 |
He can't be. |
| 01:15:27 |
You spend too much energy |
| 01:15:30 |
and too many phone calls |
| 01:15:32 |
that haven't heard from Billy, |
| 01:15:35 |
- You know it's bad when people |
| 01:15:37 |
You know what I'm talking about? |
| 01:15:38 |
I run into people, |
| 01:15:39 |
"Oh, we were trying |
| 01:15:41 |
and he never called us back." |
| 01:15:42 |
I'm like, "I don't know |
| 01:15:44 |
- Yeah, but let us know. |
| 01:15:46 |
- Yeah. |
| 01:15:49 |
- Billy, unfortunately, |
| 01:15:54 |
I sent him an email saying |
| 01:15:57 |
we're no longer |
| 01:15:59 |
He just can't be counted on, |
| 01:16:04 |
I'll tell you why |
| 01:16:08 |
Billy is one of the last links |
| 01:16:10 |
that I can say, |
| 01:16:16 |
And I had to cut that off, |
| 01:16:21 |
it's not the business. |
| 01:16:23 |
That's where l- |
| 01:16:24 |
I cannot tell you |
| 01:16:29 |
He was there |
| 01:16:30 |
He was there |
| 01:16:35 |
He's a link. |
| 01:16:36 |
I have no one to say, |
| 01:16:38 |
"Do you remember when |
| 01:16:41 |
and Edgar was the only one |
| 01:16:44 |
I know it sounds- |
| 01:16:46 |
he was my last memory bank, |
| 01:16:50 |
and I have no one-no one- |
| 01:16:54 |
And that is very difficult |
| 01:16:58 |
[Pensive music] |
| 01:17:01 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:17:17 |
Tonight is the live finale |
| 01:17:20 |
and it is between me |
| 01:17:26 |
If I win, I'm back. |
| 01:17:28 |
I'm back |
| 01:17:32 |
in spite of being 75, |
| 01:17:34 |
and in spite of being |
| 01:17:36 |
I'm back, you bastards. |
| 01:17:39 |
- And it's been a tremendous, |
| 01:17:41 |
Annie, do you know |
| 01:17:43 |
- No, I have no idea. |
| 01:17:45 |
- I'm going to say, Annie... |
| 01:17:46 |
you're fired. |
| 01:17:49 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:17:53 |
- It's great. |
| 01:17:55 |
[All speaking indistinctly] |
| 01:17:58 |
It's great. |
| 01:18:01 |
Ah. |
| 01:18:02 |
Here we go. |
| 01:18:04 |
But it's just |
| 01:18:06 |
I mean, it's not |
| 01:18:09 |
but it was wonderful. |
| 01:18:10 |
And I'm very happy I won. |
| 01:18:13 |
- Congratulations. |
| 01:18:14 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:18:15 |
- Now, I've always said, |
| 01:18:16 |
you can't get hit by lightning |
| 01:18:18 |
if you're not standing |
| 01:18:20 |
Nobody can stand in the rain |
| 01:18:23 |
She will stay there. |
| 01:18:24 |
She's the last person standing. |
| 01:18:26 |
She'll let it rain. |
| 01:18:28 |
She'll let it rain, |
| 01:18:31 |
lightning can hit, 'cause |
| 01:18:33 |
But she knows you have to stay |
| 01:18:36 |
And she did. |
| 01:18:37 |
- Line two. |
| 01:18:38 |
- Line two. |
| 01:18:40 |
Hello, my sweetheart. |
| 01:18:42 |
Yeah. |
| 01:18:44 |
All right, so tell me. |
| 01:18:45 |
Tell me yes or no; |
| 01:18:47 |
Aah! |
| 01:18:49 |
That's fabulous! |
| 01:18:50 |
Are you-oh! |
| 01:18:51 |
Jocelyn! |
| 01:18:52 |
We were picked up! |
| 01:18:54 |
- No way. |
| 01:18:55 |
- Awesome! |
| 01:18:56 |
- You know what the real |
| 01:18:59 |
It's not an Oscar. |
| 01:19:00 |
It's not one thing. |
| 01:19:02 |
It's the fact |
| 01:19:04 |
That's really what's |
| 01:19:07 |
She's really the master |
| 01:19:11 |
- Wait, wait. |
| 01:19:12 |
Let's talk about what |
| 01:19:14 |
It's a photo shoot |
| 01:19:15 |
- I could do it |
| 01:19:17 |
if they want. |
| 01:19:18 |
I'm still in town. |
| 01:19:20 |
Right now, everything |
| 01:19:22 |
I am the golden girl. |
| 01:19:24 |
But I have been here before, |
| 01:19:27 |
nothing is yours permanently, |
| 01:19:29 |
and you'd better enjoy it |
| 01:19:33 |
- So... next week, Monday: |
| 01:19:35 |
Regis and Kelly, |
| 01:19:38 |
Tuesday. ; WOR, Rachael Ray, |
| 01:19:42 |
Wednesday. ; Florida, |
| 01:19:45 |
do an afternoon book signing, |
| 01:19:47 |
back to Miami, |
| 01:19:49 |
Thursday. ; L.A., |
| 01:19:51 |
The Doctors, radio show, |
| 01:19:54 |
corporate booking, |
| 01:20:06 |
- Okay, I'm fine. |
| 01:20:08 |
Is that locked? |
| 01:20:26 |
Get him out of the picture. |
| 01:20:28 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:20:29 |
It's me alone. |
| 01:20:31 |
It's an "artist alone" shot. |
| 01:20:34 |
I'm grabbing you, Mohammed. |
| 01:20:37 |
Thank you. |
| 01:20:41 |
I am opening for Don Rickles, |
| 01:20:44 |
what it is, is, |
| 01:20:45 |
he and I split the money. |
| 01:20:48 |
And years ago when we started, |
| 01:20:52 |
'cause that means |
| 01:20:54 |
and he's still pissed |
| 01:20:55 |
[Laughs] |
| 01:20:56 |
The theater is wonderful here, |
| 01:21:00 |
It's a Vegas-sized theater. |
| 01:21:02 |
It's 1,800 or 2,000. |
| 01:21:04 |
- No, it's 4,000. |
| 01:21:07 |
It's a 4,000-person theater. |
| 01:21:08 |
- I'm nervous. |
| 01:21:09 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:21:11 |
- But I go way back with Joan |
| 01:21:14 |
and she was |
| 01:21:16 |
And we got to know each other. |
| 01:21:18 |
She's done an outstanding job |
| 01:21:20 |
I mean that. |
| 01:21:21 |
She has outstanding timing, |
| 01:21:23 |
and she takes her work |
| 01:21:25 |
And if I didn't marry |
| 01:21:26 |
I would have married Joan, |
| 01:21:29 |
Aah, gaah. |
| 01:21:31 |
God. |
| 01:21:32 |
Oh, God. |
| 01:21:34 |
Oh, God, why? |
| 01:21:36 |
- Don Rickles is |
| 01:21:37 |
and he is still hilarious. |
| 01:21:40 |
He's like George Burns, |
| 01:21:42 |
who was amazing |
| 01:21:45 |
and Phyllis Diller. |
| 01:21:46 |
Until she was 92, |
| 01:21:50 |
And I'd like to beat them all, |
| 01:21:52 |
and I think I will. |
| 01:21:54 |
That's what's so sick. |
| 01:21:56 |
First wife is always |
| 01:21:59 |
who he married on the way up. |
| 01:22:01 |
Second wife is always like, |
| 01:22:04 |
and he's an asshole |
| 01:22:06 |
And the third wife, he's 96. |
| 01:22:07 |
The balls are on the ground. |
| 01:22:08 |
She's 11. |
| 01:22:09 |
"I ruv you." |
| 01:22:11 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:22:12 |
Thank you. |
| 01:22:13 |
It's been a pleasure. |
| 01:22:15 |
[Cheers and applause] |
| 01:22:18 |
[Rousing instrumental music] |
| 01:22:21 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:22:28 |
This is where I belong. |
| 01:22:31 |
Only time I'm truly, truly |
| 01:22:38 |
- Why can't you do |
| 01:22:40 |
It's embarrassing. |
| 01:22:42 |
I keep saying, |
| 01:22:43 |
and you always fail me. |
| 01:22:46 |
- I am a performer. |
| 01:22:48 |
That is my life. |
| 01:22:50 |
That is what I am. |
| 01:22:52 |
That's it. |
| 01:22:55 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:23:06 |
[upbeat music] |
| 01:23:09 |
[Music continues] |
| 01:23:22 |
- I do hate children, |
| 01:23:25 |
Oh, God, so Halloween, and they, |
| 01:23:27 |
"Oh, lady, |
| 01:23:28 |
"Then just eat |
| 01:23:30 |
It is so... |
| 01:23:34 |
- Joan, love you, |
| 01:23:35 |
- I love you, love you back. |
| 01:23:36 |
Who do I make this to? |
| 01:23:37 |
- Lucy. |
| 01:23:39 |
- I can spell- |
| 01:23:41 |
Love you. |
| 01:23:43 |
I love everything |
| 01:23:45 |
Love all your humor, |
| 01:23:48 |
- Oh, thank you. |
| 01:23:49 |
- You're the best. |
| 01:23:50 |
- Love you. |
| 01:23:52 |
- Lucy, I love you back. |
| 01:23:57 |
Surprise! |
| 01:24:00 |
So bored that they're |
| 01:24:02 |
in the United States. |
| 01:24:03 |
Oh, it was- |
| 01:24:04 |
Oh, like-like- |
| 01:24:07 |
"Oh, waterboarding, |
| 01:24:09 |
Oh, big fucking deal. |
| 01:24:10 |
Try getting a bikini wax |
| 01:24:12 |
Get a Brazilian wax. |
| 01:24:15 |
You'll give up secrets |
| 01:24:20 |
[Screams] |
| 01:24:23 |
[Screams] |
| 01:24:25 |
They're doing a documentary |
| 01:24:28 |
- And you said earlier |
| 01:24:30 |
for the moment, right? |
| 01:24:31 |
- They are praying |
| 01:24:32 |
during this-this film. |
| 01:24:33 |
Wouldn't that be great? |
| 01:24:35 |
Wouldn't that be amazing? |
| 01:24:36 |
They got the last year |
| 01:24:39 |
It would give them such a hook. |
| 01:24:41 |
- People would watch. |
| 01:24:42 |
- That's sick. |
| 01:24:44 |
- I know, but wouldn't it- |
| 01:24:45 |
sick but very commercial. |
| 01:24:46 |
- You'd watch. |
| 01:24:47 |
- I'd watch. |
| 01:24:48 |
Wouldn't you? |
