Kin Dza Dza

en
00:00:05 MOSFILM Motion Pictures
00:00:12 Art Studio for Comedy
00:00:16 presents
00:00:20 Kin-Dza-Dza!
00:00:41 Screenplay
00:00:47 Director
00:00:51 Cinematography
00:00:56 Production Design
00:01:02 Music
00:01:06 Sound
00:01:11 National Cinema Orchestra Conductor
00:01:16 and others
00:01:56 Producer
00:02:12 - Hi.
00:02:16 What's new?
00:02:17 Manokhin just had a burst
00:02:38 "Mama, Mama, what will we do
00:02:43 "You have no winter hat,
00:02:54 How's our straight-A student?
00:02:57 Hanging out
00:02:59 Vovka.
00:03:06 And grab some
00:03:22 Comrade, that man says
00:03:26 - We gotta do something.
00:03:29 Sure, but he's almost barefoot.
00:03:37 - Greetings!
00:03:39 Sorry for the bad smell.
00:03:41 - Cold. Found this in the metal box.
00:03:45 Friend!
00:03:46 Tell me your planet number
00:03:49 Or your galaxy number
00:03:52 I punched the wrong keys
00:03:56 [Vova] We forgot
00:04:00 Let's have this lad call information,
00:04:06 - Here, put this on.
00:04:09 Look, friends.
00:04:12 We don't need the bakery.
00:04:15 Here is my planet.
00:04:18 Oozm 247 in Tentura.
00:04:23 Here's a space
00:04:27 So which key shall I press
00:04:31 You're aware of time
00:04:35 Here's the deal.
00:04:36 Now we press a key and
00:04:41 But if this gadget
00:04:43 then you will teleport wherever
00:04:48 No, you cannot without
00:04:51 Sure we can, mate.
00:05:11 And you...
00:05:13 [Fiddler] Sand.
00:05:15 So that fucking gizmo
00:05:21 That freak with the holes -
00:05:27 Let's just stay calm,
00:05:32 There's the sun, there's sand,
00:05:36 So where are we?
00:05:40 [Fiddler] Or?
00:05:41 No. Let's assert we're on Earth.
00:05:46 Kara-Kum, eh?
00:05:48 What other deserts
00:05:51 - Gobi, Sahara...
00:05:53 [Fiddler] We also have
00:05:56 No. This is the Kara-Kum
00:06:03 Since the sun is in the west,
00:06:09 See? Let's go.
00:06:18 C'mon! Get going!
00:06:46 [Fiddler] Comrade,
00:06:50 [Vova] Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:06:53 - [Fiddler] I'm Gedevan.
00:07:13 [Vova] There's a bottle
00:07:17 [Fiddler] No, vinegar.
00:07:24 There's some greens, too.
00:07:28 [Vova] We are all set then.
00:07:35 [Fiddler] Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:07:37 That guy who took my sock,
00:07:42 [Vova] I don't remember.
00:07:44 - [Fiddler] Do you think we're on his planet?
00:07:50 Guessing won't
00:07:53 We've picked a direction.
00:07:57 We just need to reach water.
00:08:04 [Fiddler] Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:08:07 - [Vova] I don't care!
00:08:19 - What time is it?
00:08:22 - In the morning?
00:08:31 Have somewhere
00:08:34 Embarassing.
00:08:36 I phoned from the airport to say
00:08:40 - Do you study music?
00:08:45 It belongs to
00:08:47 He was performing a concert
00:08:50 But then they forgot to check in
00:08:53 Was it a banquet?
00:08:55 No, just a dinner.
00:08:57 - Are you from Tbilisi?
00:09:01 Hoped I'd be able catch a train
00:09:05 I study textile design
00:09:09 Wanted to study at Moscow Institute
00:09:14 But they told me that...
00:09:16 Hold still.
00:09:28 Hey!
00:09:31 Hey!
00:10:15 A human.
00:10:22 Hello.
00:10:40 A capitalist country.
00:11:02 Do you speak
00:11:04 English.
00:11:07 Tell them
00:11:12 Tell them!
00:11:38 Greetings!
00:11:40 We are Soviet tourists.
00:11:44 Take us to the nearest city.
00:11:48 Translate.
00:11:57 Hello.
00:12:21 No money.
00:12:23 We left our passports and
00:12:27 It just so happened.
00:12:29 Walked away for a second
00:12:46 Take it.
00:12:51 I beg your pardon.
00:12:55 You want my hat?
00:12:58 Here.
00:13:07 It's not mine.
00:13:15 There's nothing
00:13:18 Open it.
00:13:25 It's not wine.
00:13:38 Sour, isn't it?
00:13:49 So, friend, will you
00:13:53 Fiddler, hurry up.
00:14:01 Like I said, just to the nearest city,
00:14:08 You want my sweater now?
00:14:20 Scoundrels.
00:14:28 I'm so glad I didn't
00:14:51 They are ashamed now.
00:15:15 What the heck is "ketse"?
00:15:20 He seems to want a match.
00:15:23 You want a match?
00:15:30 Here.
00:15:48 The entire box?
00:15:51 You get us out of here,
00:17:12 Not a single letter?
00:17:26 Sorry
00:17:43 What do they want?
00:17:46 "Koo" is what
00:18:06 Thank you.
00:18:14 He wants me
00:18:19 Not on his life.
00:18:25 I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:18:30 Go ahead.
00:19:00 OK, if you insist.
00:20:38 Mind if I have a smoke?
00:20:43 Easy, easy.
00:21:35 Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe
00:21:41 Yeah right.
00:22:06 "Lucy, darling, damn you and
00:22:20 So...
00:22:23 You DO know Russian, huh?
00:22:26 Why was it necessary
00:22:29 Well, we didn't.
00:22:32 Very hard to penetrate a language
00:22:35 This Patsak keeps talking in
00:22:40 What are you staring at,
00:22:44 - They speak Georgian, too.
00:22:47 "Monkey, son of a donkey".
00:22:49 Well, well.
00:22:51 We are from the Soviet Union
00:22:54 Soviet authorities are searching
00:22:57 Should you fail to assist
00:23:00 you'll get into big trouble!
00:23:08 We don't understand "embassy".
00:23:10 Put your "tsak" back on!
00:23:12 You understand "noodles".
00:23:17 Yet you don't know "embassy",
00:23:21 Quit screwing with us!
00:23:24 As for "noodles", I merely
00:23:28 This is not Earth.
00:23:33 This is the planet Pluke.
00:23:35 Number 215 in Tentura.
00:23:38 The Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy
00:23:45 Well I'll be damned.
00:23:50 Put the bell on, mate.
00:23:54 Put it on.
00:23:59 That'll do. Good boy.
00:24:32 - Excuse me, where have we landed?
00:24:35 She can hear far away.
00:24:37 - You know your planet number in Tentura?
00:24:40 - Tell us your galaxy number in the Spiral.
00:24:44 - The Spiral.
00:24:46 Do you know Earth? It orbits
00:24:50 Venus, Saturn,
00:24:54 What else,
00:24:56 The Big Dipper.
00:24:58 Vladimir Nikolaevich,
00:25:06 Can you get more matches
00:25:09 I could pull
00:25:11 How many can you get us
00:25:15 - How many do you want?
00:25:19 - Seven!
00:25:22 Whatever you have now -
00:25:25 I will be buying
00:25:27 Excuse me,
00:25:30 You see, without a gravitsapa,
00:25:34 But with it, any destination in
00:25:40 Guys, how'd you pull out of
00:25:44 - This is no good.
00:25:47 But when we got here,
00:25:49 Excuse me, do you have
00:25:52 - No.
00:25:54 - Give me the matches.
00:26:18 Here's what you do.
00:26:25 - It's yours. This is how you smoke now.
00:26:35 He's saying
00:26:38 Put the matches here.
00:26:40 Here's the deal.
00:26:41 When you put us back on Earth,
00:26:45 - What?
00:26:50 Wait.
00:26:52 Come back.
00:26:56 - Give that to me.
00:26:59 Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:27:01 You promised us all of them
00:27:05 You're stealing what
00:27:07 Patsaks never scam one another.
00:27:10 - [Vova] I said "to the nearest city".
00:27:13 - [Vova] It's a dump.
00:27:18 And this?
00:27:20 And this here? Not a city?
00:27:23 [Vova] Quit dancing around.
00:27:26 Let's see your gravitsapa.
00:27:28 If it's a major brand,
00:27:31 Patsak!
00:27:33 What moron's gonna take smuggled
00:27:38 risking a life sentence inside
00:27:41 What's inside your head -
00:27:45 We'll buy it ourselves.
00:27:49 [Wef] Halt!
00:27:51 I said stop!
00:27:58 What are you?
00:28:01 I'm asking
00:28:06 - An alien foreman.
00:28:08 You are Patsak.
00:28:10 - I'm Georgian.
00:28:14 You're Patsak, you're Patsak,
00:28:17 But I am Chatlanian!
00:28:21 So put your tsak on and stay
00:28:25 What?
00:28:27 Watch as I point the visator
00:28:30 Which color?
00:28:32 Green.
00:28:34 Now scanning him -
00:28:38 Yours is green, too.
00:28:40 Now watch Wef?
00:28:45 Because he is Chatlanian.
00:28:48 - Can you see now?
00:28:50 Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
00:28:52 Therefore we Patsaks
00:28:55 Yes! And you must also do
00:29:01 Vladimir Nikolaevich,
00:29:04 Show us again, please.
00:29:07 Like this!
00:29:08 A bit slower, please.
00:29:10 Like so.
00:29:13 Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:29:15 You have a wife
00:29:17 a son struggling
00:29:19 past due
00:29:22 Yet you keep on
00:29:25 You will come
00:29:32 Here.
00:29:34 Alright, Fiddler,
00:29:36 That's better.
00:29:38 Now give Wef one match
00:29:42 - Wef said you needed them all.
00:29:45 You guys are funny.
00:29:50 Wait!
00:29:52 We are going together.
00:29:58 Never show them your ketse.
00:30:01 Show them my ketse only,
00:30:04 A gravitsapa's worth
00:30:08 But your Patsak said
00:30:12 He was kidding, too.
00:30:31 This is M300-grade cement.
00:30:35 Patsak.
00:30:37 - Remember, half or less.
00:30:41 Are Chatlanians and Patsaks
00:30:43 No.
00:30:46 - Biological variations?
00:30:48 - Species from different planets?
00:30:51 Then how are
00:30:53 Are you color-blind,
00:30:55 Can't you tell green
00:31:10 A skyscraper.
00:31:12 [Wef] Move it.
00:31:27 Do as I taught you.
00:31:29 Hello, missy.
00:31:32 My coat keeping
00:31:45 They won't let me in there
00:31:49 Hold onto the ketse, bring
00:31:54 Go.
00:31:59 Not you!
00:32:01 - We are together!
00:32:03 Vladimir Nikolaevich,
00:32:05 It's ok.
00:32:17 Just stay put, ok?
00:32:38 Hello.
00:32:43 What's up?
00:32:48 Want me to squat?
00:32:51 Well, only out of respect
00:32:57 So, what's new
00:33:01 You give us ketse,
00:33:16 A half.
00:33:19 A half.
00:33:22 - Can I take a look?
00:33:37 Actually, I'm no expert
00:33:41 Let's have my Chatlanian
00:33:45 Gotta set up the tsapa first.
00:34:06 A sore throat?
00:34:13 It's water.
00:34:15 Here's the deal.
00:34:17 The other half of this ketse
00:34:22 - Deal?
00:34:37 - Do you have food?
00:34:40 What kind?
00:34:43 Plastic.
00:34:52 Look. I'll give you this whole ketse
00:35:00 and a kilo of this cereal.
00:35:06 - What's this?
00:35:10 - We'll have to test it.
00:35:31 Hey, wait a second!
00:35:35 Just a moment.
00:36:05 Fiddler.
00:36:06 Can you get
00:36:11 I can.
00:36:16 If you can spit farther than me,
00:36:20 We'll use this spitware.
00:36:24 If I overspit you,
00:36:36 - [Wef] Understood?
00:36:38 It's a simple game.
00:36:40 I'm betting half a Chatle.
00:36:44 - Here, spit it, son.
00:36:48 All right. You bet one match
00:36:52 a pair of yellow pants,
00:36:56 - Come on.
00:36:58 - A pair of blue pants?
00:37:02 Is that your posterior word?
00:37:04 Then why are you screwing
00:37:13 Mr Wef! I represent a civilized planet
00:37:47 [Vova] Where are they?
00:37:50 - [Wef] Who?
00:37:53 I goofed it up, he got
00:39:05 Knock it off, guys.
00:39:09 Enough? Enough?
00:39:11 I told him a thousand times
00:39:14 But he's greedy like all
00:39:18 "A couple of Chatles
00:39:21 There's still
00:39:27 I believe, enough for
00:39:31 - Give it to me now.
00:39:34 To buy a gravitsapa.
00:39:38 Where?
00:39:40 There, in the Center.
00:39:42 How are you gonna get us
00:39:45 when you have no idea which
00:39:50 Any planetarium in the Center can pull up
00:39:56 C'mon, give me
00:39:59 So you can bury us
00:40:01 - So you won't give it up?
00:40:04 Is that your posterior word?
00:40:07 As "posterior" as it can get.
00:40:13 Then farewell, mate.
00:40:22 They're flying away,
00:40:24 No way. They'd rather hang
00:40:36 Either you give us
00:40:39 or we won't put you back on Earth
00:40:49 [Fiddler] 2,000.
00:40:52 [B] 3,000.
00:40:55 [Fiddler] 2,300.
00:40:56 [B] 3,000.
00:41:07 2,500.
00:41:09 Yes, you can, mate.
00:41:12 Mr. B.
00:41:17 I only have 50 Rubles.
00:41:20 Matches cost 2 Kopeks a box.
00:41:23 That means I can only
00:41:26 [Wef] The Fiddler's jerking your chain.
00:41:35 Mr. Wef. I'm no fiddler to you.
00:41:49 Is that the engine there?
00:41:51 Quit poking your nose
00:41:53 "Gedevan Alexandrovich".
00:41:59 Gedevan.
00:42:01 Let's tie up these dudes and
00:42:05 What for?
00:42:07 What if the Mediterranean Sea
00:42:12 Vladimir Nikolaevich,
00:42:14 Why would there
00:42:17 They were all processed
00:42:21 Excuse me,
00:42:24 Fuel, Fiddler, fuel.
00:42:29 Here.
00:42:30 - You now owe us 6,140 boxes.
00:42:34 You've had cereal, you've
00:42:37 plus the widget.
00:42:40 Cross out the widget.
00:42:42 Put it back.
00:42:52 Let's take it. Any piece
00:42:56 Who's gonna believe us
00:42:58 Well, trade it for the violin
00:43:04 It's an 18th century violin.
00:43:07 It's worth 1,000 Rubles,
00:43:09 How am I gonna pay it off?
00:43:14 Fiddler.
00:43:16 Instead of thinking of yourself as
00:43:20 who'll be awarded
00:43:23 why don't you return the spoon
00:43:29 I wasn't thinking
00:43:38 Wanted to donate it to science,
00:43:44 Heavens know of no Patsak
00:43:50 I'm very deeply disturbed.
00:43:59 - Where are you going?
00:44:01 Money is not allowed in the WC.
00:44:06 Gedevan Alexandrovich.
00:44:44 - Ketse is very expensive, mate.
00:44:49 Well, on your planet,
00:44:52 who must squat before whom,
00:44:55 Only by a gut feeling.
00:44:58 Barbarians.
00:45:00 Look.
00:45:02 I will teach you
00:45:05 If I have some ketse, I have
00:45:11 and Patsaks must squat not
00:45:17 If I have lots of ketse, I have
00:45:25 and not only must Patsaks
00:45:30 but so must any Chatlanian,
00:45:33 And Ecilops have no right
00:45:38 Ever!
00:45:41 Here's the deal, mate.
00:45:44 You give us the match now,
00:45:49 Deal?
00:45:51 Thanks but I already have a pair.
00:45:54 Fiddler? Them aliens are
00:45:59 Want yellow pants?
00:46:03 - The Fiddler's gone, mate.
00:46:06 Jettisoned.
00:46:07 Don't worry,
00:46:09 We have a new WC.
00:46:13 I don't get it.
00:46:15 I pushed the kappa and
00:46:19 We don't need the Fiddler, mate.
00:46:35 Turn back!
00:46:37 We can't.
00:46:38 Out of lootz, gotta fly to
00:46:42 Turn back or I'll burn
00:46:48 Gedevan!
00:46:55 Fiddler!
00:47:01 Fiddler!
00:47:15 Where could
00:47:17 We told you. The Ecilops
00:47:21 - Let's go, mate.
00:47:29 Radio the Ecilops in! Now!
00:47:32 No radio.
00:47:35 - Let's see if you're telling the truth.
00:47:47 Put the tsak on.
00:47:51 - Put the tsak on.
00:48:07 Put it on or he'll trancluke
00:49:06 Hello!
00:49:08 Look, friend, we lost our lad here.
00:49:13 What?
00:49:28 Sorry, I forgot.
00:49:30 I hear you picked him up.
00:50:12 I told you we didn't
00:50:16 How will we buy lootz now?
00:50:23 - With what?
00:50:27 He's worse than that.
00:51:05 [Vova] Here's the deal.
00:51:07 We're gonna
00:51:10 - Gonna fly to the local government...
00:51:15 Telling them who we are
00:51:20 They're gonna
00:51:23 Then we're gonna set up
00:51:31 You'll supply us with
00:51:33 while we ship as much
00:51:36 You gotta have a gravitsapa
00:51:39 The government is on
00:52:28 [Fiddler] Uncle Vova!
00:52:33 Right here.
00:52:50 - Fiddler!
00:52:51 - Where's my... what's it called?
00:52:57 Right.
00:52:59 - In my pocket.
00:53:01 - Why do you need it here?
00:53:08 There's no one here.
00:53:11 - This one's mine.
00:53:35 You asleep?
00:53:38 No.
00:53:39 Cheer up, Fiddler.
00:53:41 If there is a gravitsapa on
00:53:46 Piece of cake.
00:53:53 Listen.
00:53:57 Hey! Stop!
00:54:01 Listen! Give us a ride
00:54:04 - Patsak, stay back!
00:54:08 Don't come any closer.
00:54:11 - What do you want?
00:54:14 Three Chatles.
00:54:16 Got no money.
00:54:20 What can you do?
00:54:22 - Me? Anything!
00:54:25 Vladimir Nikolaevich works
00:54:29 We will build you a house!
00:54:32 And what can you do?
00:54:35 - Me?
00:54:40 Play.
00:54:43 - Play.
00:54:47 Bye, Patsaks.
00:54:49 Missy! Wait!
00:54:54 Play.
00:54:56 - Here?
00:55:20 Wait. Let me hook you up
00:55:28 Now play.
00:55:34 And sing.
00:55:39 Just a sec!
00:55:43 How does it go?
00:55:44 Mama, Mama, what will I do?
00:55:50 Cool.
00:55:52 What?
00:55:53 I said cool.
00:55:55 It's popular.
00:55:56 - What?
00:56:17 No.
00:56:20 - I can play a drum beat.
00:56:25 Foreman!
00:56:27 We don't need the Fiddler.
00:56:32 It's OK, he won't be a bother.
00:56:34 Can we have some water?
00:56:36 I told you, only after the gig.
00:56:38 We can just take it without
00:56:44 By force. Then you'd be
00:56:47 Ah! Touch me and the Ecilops
00:56:51 Screw your Ecilops.
00:56:53 Easy, Fiddler. Don't
00:56:58 Foreman.
00:57:11 Watch.
00:57:20 All right, I get it.
00:57:24 Look. You know anyone who
00:57:29 Why?
00:57:30 If you gave us a lift to Earth,
00:57:36 Right, you don't believe in words.
00:57:43 That your wife is calling
00:57:47 No, what else am I thinking?
00:57:50 - That you'd keep your word.
00:57:55 What kind of a moron thinks
00:58:00 (Georgian accent) "It's absurd."
00:58:03 Because you say
00:58:06 and think what you
00:58:08 you sit in cages.
00:58:10 I can clearly see the throes of
00:58:16 and so can Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:58:18 If I say Patsaks must sing inside cages -
00:58:22 Quit acting up.
00:58:24 It's OK, dear, we'll sing
00:58:27 He saw us - get inside,
00:58:30 We're not animals.
00:58:31 What?
00:58:35 - You will get inside.
00:58:46 Get inside,
00:58:49 All right. Get inside, Fiddler,
00:58:54 Come on.
00:59:01 One.
00:59:02 Two.
00:59:04 - Three.
00:59:07 - Dance.
00:59:08 Book yourself
00:59:13 What?!
00:59:25 Be right back.
00:59:31 Let's get out of here.
00:59:32 Give the cart a push, boys.
00:59:36 With pleasure.
00:59:46 Step on it!
00:59:47 Bye, jackasses.
01:00:09 I'm gonna tell everyone...
01:00:12 what this baffoon P.G. has
01:00:19 Patsaks are trumpling
01:00:32 So?
01:00:34 - Everything intact?
01:00:39 Women.
01:00:46 Let me.
01:00:49 - What d'you have in there? Lead?
01:01:30 I have no idea
01:01:34 Which way is Earth?
01:01:53 Galina Borisovna.
01:01:54 Me and Comrade Mashkov,
01:01:57 could charge two Chatles
01:02:01 Water, lootz, bribes to Ecilops -
01:02:06 But a gravitsapa cost half
01:02:09 which equals to 2,200 Chatles.
01:02:13 minus weekends,
01:02:16 That means I simply couldn't
01:02:20 It all sounds good,
01:02:24 where's proof that you really
01:02:27 that you never sold the violin,
01:02:30 and that you didn't deejay
01:02:35 Here's a mineral.
01:02:38 Here's a Chatle.
01:02:42 Here's a tsak.
01:02:43 A metal nut and a sample of sand
01:02:47 I filed with the Dean's office
01:02:50 - Where?
01:02:56 You are a grown-up person,
01:02:59 You studied one semester
01:03:02 Now you show up
01:03:07 a piece of Georgian
01:03:10 and a fishing bell...
01:03:13 Yet you expect me to
01:03:15 And by the way,
01:03:19 why weren't you in our
01:03:23 Don't take it wrong, Fiddler,
01:03:28 End of Part One.
00:00:05 Concise
00:00:13 KETSE - match
00:00:20 ECIKH - box for prisoners
00:00:30 PEPELATS - spaceship
00:00:42 KEW - socially accepted obscenity
00:03:35 - Hello.
00:03:37 Long time no see.
00:03:40 Bye.
00:03:42 Hey, wait a sec.
00:03:45 We have a proposition.
00:03:48 What?
00:03:53 What do we think of you?
00:03:55 Huh?
00:03:56 Penetrate the brains!
00:04:02 Why are you harassing us?
00:04:05 - Have you no shame?
00:04:08 We're poor, miserable,
00:04:11 What have we done to you?
00:04:18 Hand me the widget,
00:04:23 Tune it.
00:04:30 Good. Let's go.
00:04:39 One, two, three.
00:04:41 Mama, Mama,
00:04:49 Mama, Mama,
00:05:00 I got no winter coat.
00:05:22 Shut up.
00:05:25 Mama, Mama,
00:05:31 Mama, Mama,
00:05:52 - Uncle Vova, let's do it again.
00:05:56 They get it.
00:05:58 One, two...
00:05:59 Ecilop!
00:06:25 Artists.
00:06:28 - [Wef] Pepelats?
00:06:30 Over there.
00:06:32 [B] We're out of lootz.
00:06:34 Because of you, moron.
00:06:36 Fiddler,
00:06:38 - [Wef] Vandal!
00:06:42 Mate, this is a last breath,
00:06:48 It's a cemetery.
00:06:54 [B] Checkmate.
00:06:57 You said you were
00:06:59 - He's a show-off.
00:07:01 You won thanks to
00:07:03 If you had brains...
00:07:04 you'd now be a student on Earth
00:07:07 Let's play again.
00:07:09 The violin, the case,
00:07:12 And this.
00:07:14 Deal?
00:07:16 OK. Against the widget,
00:07:19 and Mr. Wef's life source.
00:07:23 - Sure.
00:07:30 Uncle Vova.
00:07:33 You must
00:07:35 - Here, you do it!
00:07:39 Go away!
00:07:41 Everyone's Chatlanian when it
00:07:46 - Checkmate.
00:07:49 You thought up
00:07:52 Use your own brains!
00:07:53 How? He's never
00:07:56 Not my problem.
00:07:59 No way.
00:08:01 Wef, have you ever
00:08:04 with so much
00:08:07 Never. I told you we
00:08:10 Here's the evidence.
00:08:11 [Vova] Hey, chief!
00:08:19 So much for your
00:08:28 [B] So, no one sings
00:08:32 [Fiddler] Mr. B, on Earth
00:08:38 [B] Are these animals
00:08:41 [Fiddler] I don't know.
00:08:45 [Wef] A nightingale is Patsak,
00:08:48 [Fiddler] Why Patsak?
00:08:49 [Wef] You said he won't
00:08:53 [Fiddler] Well,
00:08:55 [B] See? There's as much blatant
00:09:01 But Patsaks, not Chatlanians,
00:09:05 Patsaks such as you
00:09:51 Let me.
00:10:30 Here. Four sips.
00:10:33 Give it to the kid.
00:10:36 You owe us 6,042 boxes.
00:10:40 Write it down, Fiddler.
00:10:42 Already did.
00:10:57 Want some?
00:11:01 No.
00:11:03 For free.
00:11:19 What are you doing?
00:11:20 What about me?
00:11:27 I'm giving you ten
00:11:29 Buy some
00:11:39 Kin Dza Dza.
00:11:54 - [Vova] A boat.
00:11:57 It's a lootz station.
00:11:59 - [Vova] Let's refuel then!
00:12:01 [B] It's self-service here.
00:12:04 She'll cut us a deal
00:12:08 - [Wef] Stop dwadling, uncle Vova.
00:12:12 C'mon.
00:12:16 [Fiddler] If this was a sea,
00:12:20 [Wef] You still have
00:12:23 [Fiddler] We have seas,
00:12:26 and decent people,
00:12:30 [Wef] You're such barbarians,
00:12:34 Mama, Mama,
00:12:41 Mama, Mama,
00:12:46 I have no
00:12:53 I have no
00:13:00 [Vova] I wish my boss
00:13:03 - He'd sure give me a raise
00:13:06 She's watching us.
00:13:33 They replaced the woman
00:13:39 Then buy as much
00:13:41 so we could fly
00:13:46 You can't buy
00:13:49 Lootz costs ten
00:13:51 but we only
00:14:06 How far is the Center?
00:14:09 [B] 160 kilometers.
00:14:12 [B] Uncle Vova,
00:14:16 in his right shoe.
00:14:24 Hey, Chatlanian.
00:14:28 [Wef] What?
00:14:30 Take off
00:14:32 What for?
00:14:35 C'mon, koo, koo.
00:14:57 Kew, you jerk!
00:15:06 [Wef] Squat.
00:15:08 [Fiddler] Why?
00:15:11 [B] It's P.G.
00:15:13 You don't squat - you get
00:15:17 - [Fiddler] What the heck is he?
00:15:29 [Fiddler] Oh, did you see that?
00:15:31 - A hologram, mate!
00:15:39 Don't move!
00:15:49 One hell of a "koo", eh?
00:16:07 That's not a zeppelin,
00:16:09 That's the last breath
00:16:12 Nonsense.
00:16:15 How can one breathe
00:16:19 - [Fiddler] It's absurd.
00:16:21 P.G. is alive and
00:16:24 And me - even happier.
00:17:05 Got it.
00:17:07 [B] Climb inside.
00:17:09 - Plastic?
00:17:12 [Vova] Is there a normal
00:17:14 [B] You have to pay in Chatles
00:18:24 - Let's go.
00:19:03 Fiddler,
00:19:26 - What are they doing?
00:19:31 I love P.G. very much.
00:19:33 And I koo him
00:19:58 They make water
00:20:31 - What are they doing?
00:20:36 - Selling what?
00:20:39 Let's buy
00:20:41 Gravitsapa's sold
00:20:44 First we must find out
00:20:53 Yellow pants -
00:21:23 Think the diameter
00:21:29 I don't remember.
00:21:31 - Fiddler, you go.
00:21:35 All right.
00:21:40 Think your planet's
00:21:43 Core density?
00:21:46 - I can't remember.
00:21:49 Think planet names
00:21:56 Jupiter, Mars,
00:21:59 Where's my divination crystal?
00:22:03 Fiddler, put it back!
00:22:05 I thought it was just
00:22:12 Silly woman.
00:22:15 Enough. Quit scratching
00:22:20 Here's your planet.
00:22:23 To the left of
00:22:26 Want to talk?
00:22:29 - I don't understand.
00:22:34 And tell them
00:22:48 (Lucy) Hello,
00:22:52 - Speak into this.
00:22:56 Hello. I'm listening.
00:23:00 - Hello.
00:23:03 - Hello, Lucy!
00:23:06 Can you hear me?
00:23:08 Vovka, where are you?
00:23:11 Well, I'm here.
00:23:14 - You...
00:23:16 Where are you,
00:23:18 I'm here in this place.
00:23:22 How does Mom feel?
00:23:24 Have you seen her?
00:23:26 - I have.
00:23:28 I'm asking
00:23:31 Look, Patsak-woman,
00:23:34 Go buy two crates of ketse,
00:23:38 Get lost!
00:23:41 Lucy.
00:23:44 Lucy. My dear.
00:23:47 Lucy.
00:23:48 Lucy, call Manokhin, tell him
00:23:55 are in my trailer on the floor
00:24:00 - Do you get it?
00:24:06 Please dial Batumi,
00:24:09 Ask for Alik.
00:24:12 Not you.
00:24:42 Something wrong? Huh?
00:24:48 Nothing's wrong. It's just
00:24:51 It's gonna take 7 minutes
00:24:54 Let's go get the tsapa
00:24:57 [Vova] Astronauts!
00:25:02 [B] It's a rusty
00:25:06 [Vova] But everything
00:25:09 [B] This one's the rustiest.
00:25:18 Are you out
00:25:20 Oh, Mama. Lucy and Manokhin
00:25:25 Oh my.
00:25:35 Uncle Vova!
00:25:38 The match is
00:25:41 Weird. Why would
00:25:43 Weird? They got the match
00:25:46 and they know Earth's
00:25:50 Comrade Ecilop!
00:25:55 They just robbed us!
00:25:58 Catch them!
00:26:03 Catch them!
00:26:06 40 Chatles.
00:26:07 No Chatles. They got it all.
00:26:12 They also didn't koo
00:26:16 What are you staring at?
00:26:18 I'm gonna tell your boss that
00:26:22 they'll fucking
00:26:26 I didn't do nothing.
00:26:28 I pushed the kappa
00:26:30 The Fiddler can
00:26:32 All stations! Koo that shitbox
00:26:40 There's nothing there.
00:26:42 Open it.
00:26:44 Show him.
00:26:59 This is vinegar.
00:27:01 None of your business.
00:27:15 The Patsak is
00:27:17 The Chatlanian gets
00:27:26 Brothers, dear Patsaks.
00:27:31 Tell the truth about
00:27:35 How this Chatlanian
00:27:39 - [Wef] Shut up.
00:27:41 - Parasite!
00:27:44 Vovka, friend.
00:27:47 Gedevan Alexandrovich,
00:27:49 - [B] Don't listen to him. No.
00:27:51 It was him who
00:27:53 - [Wef] I'll give you the pepelats.
00:27:56 [B] The pepelats is mine!
00:27:58 Calm down. Easy.
00:28:02 One sec.
00:28:05 Nobody did nothing.
00:28:07 Everyone squatted
00:28:10 I got confused.
00:28:13 It was me who
00:28:18 What ketse?
00:28:20 The match that you
00:28:23 There was no match.
00:28:25 Uncle Vova, what are
00:28:28 Sorry, I forgot.
00:28:32 There was none.
00:28:36 Both are getting Ecikh
00:28:38 or until a fine is paid.
00:28:40 The fine is 500 Chatles,
00:28:45 Thank you!
00:28:47 Patsak, fix the violin
00:28:50 - Fiddler, you work the widget.
00:28:53 with the match. Thought
00:28:59 Ciao!
00:29:01 On the other side
00:29:08 Marusya washed
00:29:17 Hello, Earthling.
00:29:20 I'm sure some day
00:29:27 Greetings from Vladimir
00:29:30 a builder from Moscow...
00:29:32 and Gedevan Alexidze
00:29:36 the first humans to set foot
00:29:39 on the outskirts of
00:29:41 Brother Patsak, add
00:29:44 It's nothing but water.
00:29:45 Give me something
00:29:59 It's possible that someone
00:30:06 - Tell them I didn't steal the violin.
00:30:17 Here's another piece.
00:30:20 Yeah, such things
00:30:37 Nutritious?
00:30:38 Earthmen, you shouldn't
00:30:42 I only found you
00:30:47 Here's your sock,
00:30:49 If you wish, I can
00:30:52 I found out your
00:30:54 But hurry - one second here
00:30:59 Here's what we do.
00:31:02 buy matches, get back here,
00:31:07 - ...back to Moscow, you get home.
00:31:10 Great, enough to go there,
00:31:15 What about me?
00:31:18 Listen, friend...
00:31:29 Make up your mind.
00:31:32 One.
00:31:33 - Wait.
00:31:34 Please understand -
00:31:38 And my little son has just
00:31:41 Two and a half.
00:31:44 I can't do this.
00:31:48 Three.
00:32:07 Fuck all this crap!
00:32:09 Damn these tsaks!
00:32:12 (swearing in Georgian)
00:32:24 Where did you get it, huh?
00:32:28 It was lying on a shelf
00:32:32 Fiddler.
00:32:34 My dear kleptomaniac.
00:32:37 You snatched
00:33:26 Patsaks.
00:33:29 Why are you singing
00:33:32 Upright singing is
00:33:35 An Ecilop didn't
00:33:38 You may only sing
00:33:41 We're fine.
00:33:47 Do it.
00:33:53 Behave.
00:34:32 Uncle Vova.
00:34:34 Your coat is coming
00:34:38 Hello.
00:34:41 What's up?
00:34:46 What's new on Pluke?
00:34:53 Sing.
00:34:59 I'm having a bad
00:35:03 Sing.
00:36:12 Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:36:14 I can't stand it
00:36:16 Take it easy, Fiddler.
00:36:21 How much is this?
00:36:23 100.
00:36:24 Looks like we've
00:36:29 - How about this?
00:36:32 Good.
00:36:37 Ecilop.
00:36:47 Patsaks.
00:36:49 Why are you not
00:36:52 Turn around.
00:36:54 New orders
00:36:57 All Patsaks must
00:37:00 and rejoice.
00:37:02 OK, this is for me.
00:37:04 And this is for you.
00:37:08 And this is for you.
00:37:09 Why aren't you
00:37:11 Answer the question.
00:37:16 Your tranklucator,
00:37:24 - Put it on.
00:37:26 And rejoice.
00:37:29 I'm rejoicing.
00:37:31 Oh, look up.
00:37:35 Where?
00:37:41 Stand up!
00:37:45 Stand up!
00:37:48 Open your mouth!
00:37:50 Wider!
00:37:52 Fiddler, a gag.
00:37:57 Hurry up!
00:38:03 Turn around!
00:38:07 Your nose!
00:38:10 Give the money back!
00:38:14 OK, hold it.
00:38:20 Take this off!
00:38:24 If you think this is
00:38:27 it'll be the last thought
00:38:31 Shortest way to Ecikh!
00:38:35 Down on the floor
00:38:43 Move it!
00:38:46 Faster!
00:38:57 Sorry, babushka.
00:39:09 P.G.'s mother.
00:39:38 A hologram?
00:39:41 The man himself.
00:39:44 Everybody into
00:39:59 Open the door!
00:40:03 Stay put for 24 hours!
00:40:34 Here.
00:40:42 - Which one?
00:41:11 Hi.
00:41:16 Hey Chatlanian.
00:41:18 Sing.
00:41:19 Cut that out, Fiddler.
00:41:24 Roll out
00:41:38 Get lost!
00:41:55 Hi, Gedevan
00:41:58 (in Georgian) Hello.
00:42:02 Get out of there.
00:42:06 - We can't.
00:42:14 Wait.
00:42:18 We got a gravitsapa.
00:42:35 - Koo, uncle Vova.
00:42:39 Cut it...
00:42:42 through here.
00:42:51 Push!
00:43:02 Uncle Vova, give me
00:43:07 Leave it!
00:43:09 Vladimir Nikolaevich!
00:43:11 It took mankind millenia
00:43:15 This is an authentic
00:43:18 Made of unknown metal!
00:43:21 I said drop it!
00:43:43 - Tsapa.
00:43:47 - Tsapa!
00:43:50 I did!
00:43:55 - We flying yet?
00:43:58 Brothers, move it!
00:43:59 Before they realize
00:44:02 You're not helping!
00:44:25 We've touchdown.
00:44:27 Where?
00:44:31 Hanud.
00:44:34 What do you mean
00:44:36 My birth planet.
00:44:39 And mine.
00:44:43 - It's dark.
00:44:46 - Put this on.
00:44:48 There's no
00:44:51 How do you
00:44:53 Nobody's lived
00:44:56 The Plukans trancluked
00:44:59 while we were
00:45:01 Why?
00:45:03 Because we didn't
00:45:05 Why did you
00:45:07 So that they could no longer
00:45:10 - Did they kill everyone?
00:45:14 Vovka, here's the deal.
00:45:16 Now the planet Hanud
00:45:19 63 Chatles.
00:45:21 We sing "Mama" for one
00:45:23 and the planet is ours.
00:45:25 One more month and
00:45:27 93 Chatles.
00:45:29 Everyone without air
00:45:33 to buy our air.
00:45:34 We'll make them
00:45:36 while we spit on them.
00:45:38 - Why?
00:45:41 What kind of
00:45:44 He's so young.
00:45:45 Half the planet is yours,
00:45:51 Very tempting...
00:45:55 but we have to go
00:45:58 Let's hurry up. The store
00:46:05 Vovka, relax.
00:46:10 Take a look here.
00:46:15 We're here.
00:46:17 Earth's here.
00:46:19 And here's Alpha.
00:46:21 They turn us into
00:46:24 Earth is in Anti-Tentura,
00:46:27 So we won't be able
00:46:32 Why?
00:46:33 Because I've had bad
00:46:37 No Pepelats can
00:46:40 Stop arguing, OK?
00:46:44 Let's go divide up
00:46:57 You've known this
00:47:00 Yes, mate.
00:47:02 That's why you
00:47:05 Of course.
00:47:07 They're lying,
00:47:11 Don't believe them.
00:47:14 Take us back to Earth!
00:47:19 No, Gedevan.
00:47:22 They'd crawl across the entire
00:47:45 Vovka, don't be silly.
00:47:48 The air here has only
00:48:54 Gedevan.
00:48:57 Don't do it, you're
00:49:01 Maybe things will
00:49:04 We don't need
00:49:24 Hey, Patsak!
00:49:32 You're gonna drop
00:49:36 so tell the truth
00:49:39 Why didn't you teleport with
00:49:44 What did you want
00:49:47 Purple pants?
00:49:51 Tell me - what?
00:50:00 (in Georgian) Gedevan,
00:50:03 You. You can tell me.
00:50:06 We're of one kind.
00:50:13 (speaking Georgian)
00:50:21 He says his Mom
00:50:26 Wef! Whatever you think but
00:50:34 As for you, lousy Chatlanian,
00:50:37 And sit down when
00:50:40 Hanud is a Patsak
00:50:46 Repeat once more.
00:50:48 You will catapult us
00:50:51 and try to decelerate
00:50:55 - No way to decelerate there.
00:51:00 Go on, mate.
00:51:02 When they teleport us
00:51:06 we should hold the bottom
00:51:10 so that it teleports
00:51:12 Back on Earth we will buy
00:51:19 Go on, mate.
00:51:21 How many times do you
00:51:24 Let's just go.
00:51:25 I'll have to spend an eternity
00:51:32 and you're even lazy
00:51:39 Brothers, beloved
00:51:42 let's fly already, or
00:51:46 I can't stand the sight
00:51:49 All this made me
00:51:57 So long, mate.
00:52:06 Flying...
00:52:07 Slow down!
00:52:13 How? You've drunk all
00:52:19 That can't be
00:52:21 - Turn off your horns.
00:52:24 - Then take them off.
00:52:29 I think we've
00:52:31 - Just like last time.
00:52:35 - Put on the gas mask.
00:52:38 No, they'll have
00:52:45 Earth.
00:53:11 On the other
00:53:21 No, it's not Earth.
00:53:30 Greetings.
00:53:33 We're Patsaks from
00:53:36 And who are you?
00:53:37 This is the planet Alpha.
00:53:39 Tell DeCont your
00:53:42 She'll teleport you
00:53:45 Have a good one.
00:53:48 Kindly tell me your
00:53:52 013 in Tentura.
00:53:58 It's somewhere
00:54:02 To the left of
00:54:04 It isn't needed.
00:54:05 Please hold
00:54:08 Miss, where will
00:54:11 The Minor
00:54:13 Please hold
00:54:16 You really turn people
00:54:18 - Only Plukans.
00:54:21 It's not important.
00:54:27 Why? You have
00:54:29 That's why.
00:54:31 - Look at her...
00:54:38 On behalf of the people
00:54:42 Please let them go.
00:54:49 Who can make
00:54:52 Abradox can. But...
00:54:57 Well, take us to him.
00:54:58 Do it. Or I'll take off the mask
00:55:06 You shouldn't worry.
00:55:08 Our greenhouses have
00:55:11 Blossoming, microclimate,
00:55:15 Most would
00:55:17 Why, my dear, do you
00:55:20 but not live
00:55:22 Kindly watch
00:55:24 It's the third sprout
00:55:26 Friend, we have
00:55:31 No need
00:55:33 No.
00:55:35 Our proximity to the
00:55:38 is a bane for us.
00:55:40 They are plaqued
00:55:43 Vile desires.
00:55:45 So living on as plants
00:55:51 And for
00:55:53 Why don't we ask them what's
00:56:00 If we gave them
00:56:06 Missy, you think you
00:56:11 Did someone tell you so, or
00:56:14 Let us not
00:56:17 You are species
00:56:20 So it's my duty to beam you
00:56:26 Or, I can send
00:56:29 to a point where you can
00:56:33 Your choice.
00:56:35 Pardon? What do you
00:56:38 To the past when
00:56:52 Here's what we do.
00:56:54 Send one back to Earth,
00:57:00 Vladimir Nikolaevich.
00:57:02 I won't let you go
00:57:10 Listen, dude.
00:57:25 How long was I fixing
00:57:29 50.
00:57:34 Brother Patsak.
00:57:36 A dude with a sock
00:57:38 Tell him to meet
00:57:40 - You know where it is?
00:57:42 Show him the way.
00:57:44 Then give me
00:57:46 Everybody lie down
00:57:52 Thank you,
00:58:09 Carry on, poofs.
00:58:24 Fiddler, hurry up!
00:58:28 You didn't teleport?
00:58:31 - Again. Get out.
00:58:34 Better here
00:58:36 Come on
00:58:45 We'll have a space
00:58:49 Vladimir Nikolaevich!
00:58:50 You owe us
00:58:52 - Check Fiddler's notes!
00:58:56 Here's the deal.
00:58:58 Vovka, we teleport
00:59:02 - After we buy matches...
00:59:05 We're only
00:59:09 For good?
00:59:12 For good.
00:59:14 Me? To a planet where no one
00:59:18 Nonesense.
00:59:19 Give me the gravitsapa
00:59:21 Uncle Wef, uncle B.
00:59:23 You'll have such
00:59:25 No, friend.
00:59:26 A society without differentiation
00:59:30 is a society
00:59:31 And without a purpose...
00:59:32 Enough with the lecture.
00:59:36 Make up your mind.
00:59:38 You go with us or what?
00:59:39 Just give us
00:59:45 Give it to them.
00:59:49 Such a shame.
01:00:00 So... time to
01:00:09 I kinda got used
01:00:13 Me too.
01:00:33 Well... take care.
01:00:36 Friends.
01:00:39 Patsaks.
01:00:41 Here's your sock.
01:00:45 - If you want...
01:00:47 Which brand is
01:00:50 Can we
01:00:53 Generic. Push the key
01:01:14 - Hi.
01:01:16 What's new?
01:01:18 Manokhin just had
01:01:38 "Mama, Mama,
01:01:41 "When the cold
01:01:43 "You have no
01:01:46 "I got no
01:01:57 How's our
01:01:59 Hanging out
01:02:01 Vovka, pop out
01:02:05 And grab some
01:02:25 Comrade. Where's
01:02:29 This way.
01:02:30 Thank you.
01:02:54 Fiddler?
01:03:00 Uncle Vova?
01:03:08 Fiddler.
01:03:13 Uncle Vova.
01:03:35 Mama, Mama,
01:03:48 The End. MosFilm, 1986.