|
American Pie Presents The Book of Love
|
| 00:00:21 |
MAN 1 ON COMPUTER: Mistress, |
| 00:00:24 |
Please, spank my bottom! |
| 00:00:26 |
- That is unpleasant. |
| 00:00:29 |
WOMAN ON COMPUTER: Lick my nipples. |
| 00:00:31 |
No, thank you, pregnant lady. |
| 00:00:33 |
MAN 2 ON COMPUTER: Strip, soldier! |
| 00:00:35 |
You're gonna find out |
| 00:00:37 |
(WHIP CRACKS) |
| 00:00:39 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:01:29 |
That's... That's nice, baby. |
| 00:01:36 |
No, Frizzy! No! |
| 00:01:37 |
(GROANING) |
| 00:01:39 |
(GASPING) |
| 00:01:43 |
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! |
| 00:01:45 |
Frizzy. |
| 00:01:46 |
(PHONE BEEPS) |
| 00:01:47 |
No, no, no, wait! Cody! No. |
| 00:02:11 |
ROB ON PHONE: No, no, no, Frizzy! No! |
| 00:02:13 |
Don't worry about it, man. |
| 00:02:15 |
Please. |
| 00:02:16 |
Yeah, except they're having sex with people. |
| 00:02:19 |
- (GRO ANING) Frizzy. |
| 00:02:21 |
It's not technically incest |
| 00:02:25 |
So, are you getting close with Dana yet? |
| 00:02:26 |
The rumours are true. She's taken the pledge. |
| 00:02:29 |
No sex? She was your sure thing. |
| 00:02:32 |
- Faith-camp propaganda, man. |
| 00:02:35 |
I thought she had sex with six guys. |
| 00:02:42 |
What? |
| 00:02:45 |
Get to class. |
| 00:02:47 |
No cell phones in the hall, Alyson. |
| 00:02:48 |
You can pick this up from my office |
| 00:02:51 |
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! |
| 00:02:55 |
Well, I've seen worse. |
| 00:02:59 |
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! |
| 00:03:00 |
(CLEARS THROAT) |
| 00:03:02 |
Miss Johnson. Lunch today? |
| 00:03:05 |
I'll have to check my calendar, perv...Pete. |
| 00:03:12 |
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! |
| 00:03:15 |
Look. Look. Look at that. |
| 00:03:18 |
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy! |
| 00:03:21 |
(CHEERLEADER EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) |
| 00:03:23 |
- Hey, just ignore them. |
| 00:03:28 |
- Just so you know, it's not at all... |
| 00:03:31 |
Frizzy's a good-looking dog. |
| 00:03:35 |
So, do you wanna do it? Are we on? |
| 00:03:40 |
Rob? Rob? Are we on for seventh period? |
| 00:03:43 |
Yeah. l...I'll... |
| 00:03:46 |
- I'll meet you over there. |
| 00:03:51 |
- Doggy style! |
| 00:03:53 |
Is that your girlfriend? |
| 00:03:54 |
No, we're just...We're just...We're friends. |
| 00:03:57 |
Just friends? How sweet. |
| 00:04:00 |
Well, she seems awful ripe. |
| 00:04:05 |
STIFLER: Hey, beautiful. |
| 00:04:11 |
STIFLER: Wow! |
| 00:04:13 |
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) |
| 00:04:14 |
CHARLES ON PA: Good morning, |
| 00:04:17 |
Don't forget about the big game |
| 00:04:20 |
and the Aloha Dance this Friday |
| 00:04:24 |
Hawaiian shirts and leis |
| 00:04:28 |
(CHARLES GIGGLES) |
| 00:04:29 |
- PRINCIPAL ON PA: Charles, knock that off. |
| 00:04:52 |
(MR O'DONNELL CLEARS THROAT) |
| 00:04:55 |
Let's focus on the quiz, please. |
| 00:05:08 |
Douche bag. |
| 00:05:38 |
I'm serious about this pledge, you know. |
| 00:05:40 |
I know. |
| 00:05:41 |
- So just dancing tonight. |
| 00:05:45 |
The horizontal hula. |
| 00:05:46 |
Nathan. |
| 00:05:55 |
Poor Nathan. |
| 00:05:57 |
His willy must be hard enough |
| 00:05:59 |
Nathan loves me, and Nathan respects me. |
| 00:06:02 |
Okay. A, a guy never respects a girl |
| 00:06:06 |
And, B, well, what about you? |
| 00:06:09 |
You must be feeling |
| 00:06:12 |
Okay, well, yeah, maybe, like, |
| 00:06:15 |
but I really feel like I'm connecting |
| 00:06:17 |
Yes, I know, and that is totally fab, |
| 00:06:20 |
but I know I couldn't do it. |
| 00:06:24 |
Ask Richard. |
| 00:06:26 |
Hey, don't listen to lmogen, okay? |
| 00:06:29 |
Sex is a really big deal, |
| 00:06:32 |
then I think you should wait. |
| 00:06:35 |
DANA: But... |
| 00:06:37 |
No offence, Heidi, but you have no idea |
| 00:06:43 |
Text me later. |
| 00:06:52 |
- Hey, Rob. |
| 00:06:55 |
- Can I ask you something? |
| 00:06:57 |
Well, it's kind of personal. |
| 00:07:01 |
Okay. |
| 00:07:03 |
I've been thinking. |
| 00:07:08 |
It's just...I don't know. |
| 00:07:09 |
Everyone's already done it |
| 00:07:12 |
and I know I don't have a boyfriend |
| 00:07:16 |
But sometimes I feel like I should just |
| 00:07:18 |
You know? I mean, |
| 00:07:23 |
What does that even mean, anyway? |
| 00:07:25 |
So I've never had a penis in my vagina, |
| 00:07:29 |
Why do I have to label everything? |
| 00:07:33 |
"She can't handle it:" |
| 00:07:36 |
I've seen Showgirls and Blue Lagoon. |
| 00:07:40 |
Anyways, I think I've decided to just do it. |
| 00:07:45 |
Yeah. I think you should definitely |
| 00:07:51 |
(LAUGHS) Thanks. |
| 00:07:56 |
Let's get back to work. |
| 00:07:59 |
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 00:08:09 |
(WHOOPS) |
| 00:08:18 |
Stifcam coming at you live |
| 00:08:21 |
here at the East Great Falls... |
| 00:08:23 |
This chick just grabbed my ass. |
| 00:08:25 |
She wants to play |
| 00:08:28 |
Let go find some of that |
| 00:08:56 |
Hey, check it out. There's Heidi. |
| 00:08:59 |
LUBE: All right, all right. |
| 00:09:02 |
All right, so what's the game plan here? |
| 00:09:04 |
I don't know. Ask her to dance, I guess. |
| 00:09:06 |
You need a plan, all right? |
| 00:09:09 |
See, right now, |
| 00:09:13 |
You need to break that paradigm. |
| 00:09:14 |
Remember, friends don't let friends |
| 00:09:18 |
- Right. |
| 00:09:21 |
All right, take it easy. |
| 00:09:25 |
Wait. Aren't you forgetting something? |
| 00:09:30 |
Oh. Oh. Oh. |
| 00:09:32 |
Here, don't forget these. |
| 00:09:34 |
You only need those when you're alone. |
| 00:09:37 |
Right. Right. Okay. |
| 00:09:51 |
- (EXCLAIMS) Okay! |
| 00:09:54 |
I can't. |
| 00:09:55 |
- But it's only second base. |
| 00:09:58 |
then we're gonna wanna go further. |
| 00:10:01 |
But Adam and Eve did it. |
| 00:10:03 |
(GASPS) |
| 00:10:05 |
I'm sorry. Hey, hey. |
| 00:10:07 |
I love you. Do you know that? |
| 00:10:13 |
Come here. |
| 00:10:19 |
Is God okay with a blow job? |
| 00:10:20 |
(GASPS) |
| 00:10:22 |
I thought you understood |
| 00:10:25 |
I told you, it's important for me |
| 00:10:27 |
You've had sex with seven guys. |
| 00:10:29 |
(GASPING) |
| 00:10:33 |
And it was six, not seven! |
| 00:10:36 |
Well, one was a black guy, |
| 00:10:40 |
Dana. |
| 00:10:42 |
- Dana, come on. |
| 00:10:44 |
Dana. Come on, Dana. Dana! |
| 00:10:47 |
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 00:10:55 |
Hey, girls. |
| 00:10:59 |
I need you to kiss one time, okay? |
| 00:11:02 |
I don't know. |
| 00:11:03 |
Come on. |
| 00:11:08 |
(LAUGHS) Okay. |
| 00:11:10 |
(BOYS CHEERING) |
| 00:11:13 |
Okay, we're gonna go again, |
| 00:11:15 |
but this time, |
| 00:11:18 |
Okay. |
| 00:11:22 |
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) |
| 00:11:24 |
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) |
| 00:11:28 |
(BOYS CHEERING) |
| 00:11:31 |
Stifmeister strikes again! |
| 00:11:35 |
Dude. |
| 00:11:37 |
You're gonna love this. Check this out. |
| 00:11:41 |
Yeah. So? |
| 00:11:43 |
Watch and learn. |
| 00:11:48 |
"You're hot. |
| 00:11:51 |
"Give me your number |
| 00:12:00 |
I throw this at a hot girl, |
| 00:12:02 |
and she's so impressed |
| 00:12:06 |
that she wants to hook up with me. |
| 00:12:08 |
Yeah. Good luck with that. |
| 00:12:11 |
- I'm gonna go find Dana. |
| 00:12:37 |
Oh, no. |
| 00:12:40 |
Oh, God. |
| 00:12:46 |
Excuse me. Excuse me. |
| 00:12:48 |
(DANCE SONG PLAYING) |
| 00:12:51 |
So, I was thinking about what |
| 00:12:55 |
- Yeah. Yeah, I remember. |
| 00:13:00 |
Right? I mean, you might as well, |
| 00:13:03 |
What? Like, here? At the dance? |
| 00:13:06 |
Well, there's always the library. |
| 00:13:08 |
- Yeah, the library. |
| 00:13:10 |
- Yeah. I know. |
| 00:13:13 |
I don't know if you... |
| 00:13:17 |
- What are you doing? |
| 00:13:20 |
- C-note thing? |
| 00:13:23 |
- Lose your money? |
| 00:13:25 |
Ooh. |
| 00:13:30 |
And we're back. What's up, dude? |
| 00:13:36 |
I don't know. |
| 00:13:38 |
- She was here a second ago. |
| 00:13:41 |
- Yeah, maybe. |
| 00:13:45 |
Dude, you gotta play along |
| 00:13:47 |
Well, that's easy for you to say. |
| 00:13:49 |
You haven't exactly |
| 00:13:50 |
Dude, I've been getting to third base |
| 00:13:53 |
I can't go back to jacking off now. |
| 00:13:55 |
Dude, just use your left hand. |
| 00:14:00 |
- I'm gonna go find Heidi. |
| 00:14:30 |
BOY: (LAUGHS) No! Dude, |
| 00:14:40 |
Heidi? |
| 00:14:49 |
LUBE: No, no, no, no! |
| 00:14:53 |
Wait. |
| 00:14:55 |
Dude, yo. |
| 00:15:13 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:15:15 |
Rob? You said... |
| 00:15:18 |
Rob! |
| 00:15:20 |
(EXCLAIMS) |
| 00:15:21 |
Dude, nice cock block. |
| 00:15:26 |
(SHRIEKS) |
| 00:15:28 |
I'm on fire. |
| 00:15:30 |
- I'm on fire. |
| 00:15:32 |
There's a fire. There's a fire, |
| 00:15:41 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:15:43 |
HEIDl: Rob! Rob! Put it out. Take off |
| 00:15:48 |
Oh, God! |
| 00:15:49 |
(SHRIEKS) Come on! |
| 00:15:52 |
(SHRIEKS) |
| 00:15:54 |
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! |
| 00:15:57 |
Hurry, Rob, come on. |
| 00:16:00 |
Get it out! Get it out! |
| 00:16:04 |
(FIRE ALARM RINGING) |
| 00:16:05 |
(SHRIEKS) |
| 00:16:06 |
Oh, God. |
| 00:16:11 |
What the hell is going on in here? |
| 00:16:19 |
Two months seems like an awfully long time |
| 00:16:23 |
We're supposed to clean up the library. |
| 00:16:26 |
Do you guys know where the vacuum is? |
| 00:16:28 |
Nope. |
| 00:16:31 |
What were you doing in the library anyway? |
| 00:16:35 |
I wasn't doing anything. |
| 00:16:37 |
- I was just looking for her. |
| 00:16:40 |
Cody! Well, I don't know |
| 00:16:44 |
if you're still on detention. |
| 00:16:45 |
Mom, I don't see what that has to do with it. |
| 00:16:48 |
I heard you were the fluffer. |
| 00:16:50 |
- Cody. |
| 00:16:52 |
(EXCLAIMS) |
| 00:16:54 |
Well, we'll see. |
| 00:16:56 |
All right. I have to go get ready. |
| 00:17:01 |
Maybe it's in the garage. |
| 00:17:07 |
Rob? I wanna have a little chat with you. |
| 00:17:10 |
Do we have to? |
| 00:17:11 |
Honey, I know that you're growing older, |
| 00:17:15 |
and I don't know what your father |
| 00:17:18 |
but I think it's important to discuss |
| 00:17:21 |
Like about sex. |
| 00:17:25 |
- Are you having sex? |
| 00:17:28 |
No, well, it's just that I found |
| 00:17:33 |
Oh, God, Mom. Put that away. |
| 00:17:38 |
And, also, |
| 00:17:44 |
ROB: No, no, no, Frizzy! No. |
| 00:17:46 |
- Mom, just turn it off! |
| 00:17:47 |
Your brother made it my start-up screen. |
| 00:17:49 |
- Okay, I can...I can fix that. |
| 00:17:51 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:17:52 |
- No, no, no, Frizzy! No! |
| 00:17:54 |
- Okay. |
| 00:17:56 |
Well, honey, please. |
| 00:17:58 |
Masturbation is perfectly natural. |
| 00:18:00 |
I mean, boys your age |
| 00:18:04 |
and trying new things with animals. |
| 00:18:08 |
I mean, Frizzy, she's been in our family for... |
| 00:18:12 |
(STAMMERS) Hey, I'm late. |
| 00:18:24 |
- You're tardy. |
| 00:18:28 |
You can start by cleaning off |
| 00:18:30 |
and separating the ruined ones. |
| 00:18:37 |
Heidi. Look, about last night... |
| 00:18:40 |
I don't wanna talk about it. |
| 00:18:43 |
- Well, I just wanted to tell you... |
| 00:18:48 |
I'm gonna go empty this bucket. |
| 00:19:40 |
Do you have any idea what I found here? |
| 00:19:42 |
- This is the bible. |
| 00:19:45 |
No. This is real. This goes back decades. |
| 00:19:47 |
Okay. So what? |
| 00:19:49 |
This is exactly what we need |
| 00:19:53 |
How is this thing gonna help us get laid? |
| 00:19:55 |
You can't even read most of it. |
| 00:19:58 |
This book has helped one lucky guy |
| 00:20:01 |
And this year, that lucky guy is us. |
| 00:20:04 |
Even with the damage, it still has |
| 00:20:09 |
"February 1st, 1977. The G-spot:" |
| 00:20:15 |
- I can dig it. |
| 00:20:18 |
"1991 . How to shave your pubes |
| 00:20:22 |
Dad showed me that one. |
| 00:20:24 |
"2003. I just had |
| 00:20:28 |
Something I can't read. |
| 00:20:33 |
A breath mint? For what? |
| 00:20:36 |
You moron. You stick it up your tailpipe and |
| 00:20:41 |
Everyone knows that. |
| 00:20:44 |
Dude, I don't know. This sounds pretty weak. |
| 00:20:46 |
Plus, I mean, we can find most of this stuff |
| 00:20:49 |
No, this is different. |
| 00:20:52 |
Plus, it's custom-tailored to |
| 00:20:54 |
Since when does punani have a zip code? |
| 00:20:56 |
What have we got to lose? Nathan, |
| 00:20:59 |
Like six months? Only to find out that |
| 00:21:05 |
And, Lube, how have all your schemes |
| 00:21:08 |
Minus $100. |
| 00:21:09 |
Exactly, and me, well, I've been wasting |
| 00:21:14 |
Heidi's gonna fall madly in love with me. |
| 00:21:17 |
And this is it, staring us right in the face. |
| 00:21:22 |
- I'm in. |
| 00:21:24 |
I'm in. |
| 00:21:25 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:21:26 |
(ALL WHOOPING) |
| 00:21:27 |
- Yeah! |
| 00:21:29 |
Hey, easy. Guys, it's old. |
| 00:21:31 |
"May 1st, 1990. |
| 00:21:35 |
"The simplest way into a girl's pants |
| 00:21:40 |
That's it? Just flatter her? |
| 00:21:43 |
- That's it. |
| 00:21:45 |
How many times do you actually do it? |
| 00:21:47 |
Walk up to a girl and say, |
| 00:21:50 |
Like, never. It's telling us the only proven |
| 00:21:55 |
'cause the guys that actually spew |
| 00:21:58 |
Check it out. Twelve o'clock. |
| 00:22:01 |
(NATHAN EXCLAIMS) |
| 00:22:04 |
(CHATTERING) |
| 00:22:32 |
(WHISTLES) |
| 00:22:34 |
- All right. Let's put this bible to a test. |
| 00:22:38 |
- You go talk to her. |
| 00:22:41 |
Why don't you go talk to her, |
| 00:22:46 |
- I'm eating. |
| 00:23:20 |
Hey, Ashley. |
| 00:23:22 |
Hey, Rob. Shopping for your girlfriend? |
| 00:23:24 |
No...This is...It's for my mom. |
| 00:23:29 |
She's dating again. |
| 00:23:42 |
(NERVOUS LAUGH) |
| 00:23:44 |
Well, you know, l... |
| 00:23:49 |
you know, |
| 00:23:58 |
Hey. Come with me. |
| 00:24:06 |
Jealous? He's making a move |
| 00:24:09 |
Unlike you, I don't mind sharing my women. |
| 00:24:12 |
(LAUGHS) And what are |
| 00:24:15 |
- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Cheerio. |
| 00:24:17 |
Word to your mumsie. |
| 00:24:18 |
Just waiting for some ladies |
| 00:24:20 |
You nancy boys couldn't get laid |
| 00:24:23 |
with a fistful of backstage passes. Cheerio. |
| 00:24:29 |
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) |
| 00:24:31 |
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) |
| 00:24:33 |
- Hold this. |
| 00:24:48 |
How does this look? |
| 00:24:52 |
Great, I'll take it. |
| 00:24:55 |
Stand up. |
| 00:25:00 |
Wait, what...What's...Wait, hold...Hold on. |
| 00:25:04 |
Oh. |
| 00:25:08 |
(GROANS) |
| 00:25:11 |
(GASPING) |
| 00:25:18 |
Should I call you? |
| 00:25:21 |
Just walk out of the store |
| 00:25:26 |
Act natural. |
| 00:25:52 |
(INAUDIBLE) |
| 00:25:55 |
Can I help you? |
| 00:25:56 |
No. No. I'm...I'm just browsing. |
| 00:26:03 |
Okay, then. |
| 00:26:05 |
- Have a nice day. |
| 00:26:12 |
(ALARM SOUNDING) |
| 00:26:14 |
I'm sorry! I wasn't stealing. |
| 00:26:17 |
I am so sorry. |
| 00:26:20 |
Please come back to the register. |
| 00:26:35 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:26:39 |
Sorry, l...I got excited. |
| 00:26:41 |
(CLEARS THROAT) |
| 00:26:46 |
(WHISPERS) |
| 00:26:48 |
That'll be 149.90. |
| 00:26:51 |
- How much? |
| 00:26:54 |
But they're so small. |
| 00:27:02 |
- Madeleine? |
| 00:27:11 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:27:21 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:27:24 |
Come again. |
| 00:27:34 |
What took you so long? Did you get it? |
| 00:27:36 |
Sure did. I even stole you a bag so |
| 00:27:40 |
Great. Thanks. |
| 00:27:42 |
Hey. What's up, Ashley? |
| 00:27:44 |
What are you pillow biters doing here? |
| 00:27:46 |
Stifler. |
| 00:27:47 |
Don't eat that. You're gonna get fat. |
| 00:27:50 |
I'm super horny. |
| 00:27:53 |
Okay. |
| 00:27:57 |
(GIGGLING) |
| 00:28:02 |
(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING) |
| 00:28:10 |
(WHISPERING) Dana. |
| 00:28:14 |
Didn't mean to disrupt the... |
| 00:28:16 |
(WHISPERING) What are you doing here? |
| 00:28:19 |
I wanted to say I'm sorry. |
| 00:28:22 |
Did you really think that |
| 00:28:26 |
Well, you weren't answering any of my texts. |
| 00:28:28 |
(SHUSHING) |
| 00:28:30 |
- I'll be right back, okay? |
| 00:28:32 |
PRIEST ON PA: What is faith? |
| 00:28:34 |
When you flip the light switch |
| 00:28:36 |
you know that the light will turn on. |
| 00:28:39 |
Some might call that faith, but I tell you, |
| 00:28:45 |
Okay, so what is so important that |
| 00:28:49 |
I don't really get why |
| 00:28:50 |
Because you don't respect me. |
| 00:28:55 |
You know what? You're right, |
| 00:28:58 |
Just like your little stint on yearbook. |
| 00:29:00 |
You stuck with that for, what, |
| 00:29:03 |
Why is it so hard for you to believe |
| 00:29:05 |
(ON PA) wait until marriage? |
| 00:29:07 |
NATHAN ON PA. |
| 00:29:08 |
and Scott Thompson on the same night. |
| 00:29:10 |
DANA: That doesn't count: I was drunk. |
| 00:29:12 |
(WHISPERING) Is that Dana? |
| 00:29:13 |
As soon as you get bored |
| 00:29:16 |
you're just gonna jump right back |
| 00:29:18 |
And when you get to college, |
| 00:29:21 |
that you won't be experimenting |
| 00:29:23 |
having three-ways, trying anal. |
| 00:29:26 |
(ALL GASPING) |
| 00:29:27 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:29:28 |
That's what I'm talking... |
| 00:29:29 |
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Fine: Just relax. |
| 00:29:31 |
- Do something! |
| 00:29:32 |
- She's your daughter. |
| 00:29:33 |
PRIEST: Faith is the rock-solid: : . |
| 00:29:35 |
DANA: You don't think I'm committed to this? |
| 00:29:38 |
NATHAN: (LAUGHS) My dad |
| 00:29:41 |
He said she blew the whole football team |
| 00:29:43 |
and had to have her stomach pumped. |
| 00:29:44 |
(ALL GASPING) |
| 00:29:46 |
DANA: Don't be gross, okay? |
| 00:29:47 |
Plus, your dad was a Beta. |
| 00:29:49 |
Those guys are notorious poon slayers. |
| 00:29:52 |
Fuck it! This is bullshit! |
| 00:29:54 |
(PEOPLE MUTTERING) |
| 00:29:56 |
You know you want this. |
| 00:29:59 |
Did we miss communion? |
| 00:30:02 |
(STUDENTS CHEERING) |
| 00:30:02 |
COMMENTATOR 1 ON PA. |
| 00:30:03 |
East Great Falls Blazers in this game. |
| 00:30:05 |
CHEERLEADERS: |
| 00:30:06 |
: : : Which is surprising, since this is |
| 00:30:10 |
You'd think they'd really |
| 00:30:12 |
Look at him! Watch that guy! Watch that guy! |
| 00:30:13 |
Even though it's close to a tie, |
| 00:30:18 |
Oh, my gosh, wait. |
| 00:30:21 |
He said if he ever sees Nathan |
| 00:30:23 |
he's gonna castrate him |
| 00:30:25 |
Oh, no. So what? |
| 00:30:29 |
I don't know. |
| 00:30:30 |
Well, if you ever want to try a ménage, |
| 00:30:35 |
- No. |
| 00:30:37 |
COMMENTATOR 1: Please don't say |
| 00:30:39 |
COMMENTATOR 2 ON PA. |
| 00:30:41 |
- What about you, missy? |
| 00:30:42 |
How's your sex life? |
| 00:30:44 |
You guys, I'm gonna go through with it. |
| 00:30:47 |
You're so boring. |
| 00:30:50 |
after your striptease in the library. |
| 00:30:53 |
Yeah, I'm... |
| 00:30:58 |
CHEERLEADERS: Blue and white, |
| 00:31:04 |
Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Blazers! |
| 00:31:10 |
Fight, win. |
| 00:31:13 |
(CAMERA CLICKING) |
| 00:31:41 |
I think that is quite enough pictures |
| 00:31:44 |
How about we get some of the game? |
| 00:31:56 |
(CAMERA CLICKING) |
| 00:32:03 |
(GRUNTS) |
| 00:32:06 |
As you were. |
| 00:32:12 |
Douche bag. |
| 00:32:14 |
CHEERLEADERS: Blue and white... |
| 00:32:16 |
COMMENTATOR 1. |
| 00:32:17 |
He passes it off to Scott Stifler. |
| 00:32:26 |
(STUDENTS EXCLAIM) |
| 00:32:27 |
Central takes a charge from Shearson. |
| 00:32:30 |
Time out, Blazers. |
| 00:32:33 |
COMMENTATOR 2. |
| 00:32:35 |
I think these guys |
| 00:32:36 |
Get your head in the game, doggy style. |
| 00:32:40 |
- I'm sorry. |
| 00:32:42 |
Hey, Scott? Can I talk to you for a sec? |
| 00:32:44 |
- Are you nuts? I'm in the middle of a game. |
| 00:32:47 |
(GIGGLES) |
| 00:32:48 |
Really gotta get their act together. |
| 00:32:49 |
(WHISTLE BLOWS) |
| 00:32:51 |
Tie game, 89 all, 3:9 seconds left. |
| 00:32:55 |
- Central's got the ball. |
| 00:32:56 |
They have the advantage. |
| 00:33:00 |
Looks like: : : Double screen! |
| 00:33:01 |
Shearson gets the ball. |
| 00:33:05 |
(BUZZER BUZZING) |
| 00:33:06 |
The game's over. |
| 00:33:09 |
This is incredible, folks! |
| 00:33:13 |
Unbelievable! It's exciting. |
| 00:33:16 |
What a chain of events |
| 00:33:24 |
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) |
| 00:33:26 |
Honey, I need to talk to you. |
| 00:33:29 |
Yeah, sure. |
| 00:33:31 |
Is...Is that a Bible? |
| 00:33:33 |
What? No. No, it's... |
| 00:33:35 |
Well, honey, it's okay to read the Bible. |
| 00:33:38 |
I caught you reading pornography. |
| 00:33:39 |
(FORCED LAUGH) |
| 00:33:41 |
What did you wanna talk about? |
| 00:33:43 |
Well, I just got |
| 00:33:46 |
And here on your card |
| 00:33:50 |
Yeah, I'm... |
| 00:33:55 |
Is there a girl you're seeing? |
| 00:33:56 |
No. Mom, it's complicated. |
| 00:34:01 |
- Did you buy something for yourself? |
| 00:34:03 |
Because it's a very normal area |
| 00:34:05 |
My book says that most fetishes are not |
| 00:34:09 |
and, well, you know, boys, they tend to... |
| 00:34:11 |
Yes, Mom, that's it. You figured it out. |
| 00:34:14 |
Thongs, G-strings, |
| 00:34:17 |
It's so soft and silky smooth. |
| 00:34:20 |
Sexy. |
| 00:34:21 |
Oh, God! Come on. |
| 00:34:23 |
Gotcha. |
| 00:34:24 |
(HUMMING) |
| 00:34:26 |
(HISSING) |
| 00:34:29 |
So it was for a girl. |
| 00:34:32 |
Yeah, Mom. |
| 00:34:34 |
Great. |
| 00:34:50 |
So, you know that thing |
| 00:34:53 |
Yeah. |
| 00:34:54 |
Right, well, |
| 00:34:57 |
So, what about it? |
| 00:34:59 |
I was just thinking, you know, |
| 00:35:04 |
I know. You know, I've thought about it, too, |
| 00:35:08 |
but I still feel like |
| 00:35:10 |
into, like, this huge deal. I mean, |
| 00:35:16 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:35:18 |
I don't know, Rob. |
| 00:35:20 |
I still feel like it's best |
| 00:35:24 |
Yeah. I can see that. |
| 00:35:30 |
ROB ON PHONE: You figured it out. |
| 00:35:32 |
Thongs, G-strings, |
| 00:35:35 |
It's so soft and silky smooth. |
| 00:35:38 |
What is up with this crap, butt nugget? |
| 00:35:40 |
That was taken completely out of context. |
| 00:35:45 |
That means he wasn't being serious. |
| 00:35:48 |
I know what facetious means, dick face. |
| 00:35:51 |
Are you trying to repel |
| 00:35:54 |
- No... |
| 00:35:55 |
You cock is on the clock. |
| 00:35:58 |
Excuse me. Take notes. |
| 00:36:05 |
- Hey, lmogen. |
| 00:36:08 |
The word for the day is "legs:" |
| 00:36:11 |
So? |
| 00:36:12 |
So, why don't we go back to my place |
| 00:36:17 |
Well, how about you save your breath? |
| 00:36:20 |
You're gonna need it |
| 00:36:27 |
Gentlemen, it is time we got laid. |
| 00:36:29 |
Really? And what is it |
| 00:36:32 |
No, no. We need to get laid. |
| 00:36:38 |
Can you give us the executive summary? |
| 00:36:40 |
No, not that. This. |
| 00:36:46 |
LUBE: We are going on a road trip. |
| 00:37:08 |
How long do you intend |
| 00:37:11 |
Just a couple of hours. |
| 00:37:14 |
What's the nature of your visit? |
| 00:37:16 |
We've driven many miles |
| 00:37:19 |
(BOYS LAUGHING) |
| 00:37:22 |
We use kilometres here. |
| 00:37:25 |
Then we've driven many clicks |
| 00:37:32 |
LUBE: Yes! |
| 00:37:33 |
- That works, right? |
| 00:37:35 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:37:38 |
Fucking Americans. |
| 00:37:40 |
(BOYS CHEERING) |
| 00:37:42 |
You know, the exchange rate on the dollar |
| 00:37:45 |
Yeah. |
| 00:37:46 |
Okay, up ahead, turn right. |
| 00:37:48 |
- You sure? |
| 00:38:07 |
Okay, boys. Let's do this. |
| 00:38:10 |
Are you sure this is a good idea? |
| 00:38:12 |
Come on, you pussy. Let's get laid. |
| 00:38:17 |
The bible says to ask for Monique. |
| 00:38:27 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:38:29 |
Hi. Are you Monique? |
| 00:38:32 |
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) No, moi, no, no, no. |
| 00:38:36 |
Come. Come, boys. |
| 00:38:38 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:38:40 |
(POP SONG PLAYING) |
| 00:38:45 |
Boys, entrez chez nous. |
| 00:38:49 |
C'est magnifique, no? |
| 00:38:54 |
She will be so happy to see you. |
| 00:38:58 |
In the meantime, make yourselves at home. |
| 00:39:01 |
(EXCLAIMS) |
| 00:39:05 |
Jesus, tits. We came to the right place. |
| 00:39:08 |
Is that a moose? |
| 00:39:10 |
Condom? |
| 00:39:12 |
Why, thank you. |
| 00:39:16 |
Gentlemen. |
| 00:39:20 |
Thank you. |
| 00:39:22 |
Very much. |
| 00:39:24 |
Thank you. |
| 00:39:28 |
LUBE: Can't wait to see Monique. |
| 00:39:30 |
(DOOR OPENING) |
| 00:39:33 |
(ALL GASP) |
| 00:39:45 |
(STAMMERING) We're here to see Monique. |
| 00:39:47 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:39:50 |
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am Monique. |
| 00:39:54 |
Oh! ... Well, that's...That's okay. |
| 00:39:59 |
Come, come. I make you a nice drink. |
| 00:40:08 |
(BONE CRACKS) |
| 00:40:09 |
(GRUNTING) |
| 00:40:26 |
Yeah, could you just give us just one minute? |
| 00:40:32 |
This could be very educational for all of us. |
| 00:40:36 |
Really? |
| 00:40:44 |
- He's up. |
| 00:40:47 |
NATHAN: It was your idea. |
| 00:40:49 |
Don't...Don't insult Monique. |
| 00:40:53 |
LUBE: (LAUGHS) |
| 00:41:06 |
(WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:41:11 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:41:18 |
And welcome. |
| 00:41:24 |
So...So, how does this work? |
| 00:41:27 |
No, no, no. Not yet. |
| 00:41:29 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:41:33 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:41:36 |
Oh, I see. |
| 00:41:41 |
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 00:42:26 |
(UNZIPPING PANTS) |
| 00:42:27 |
(MOANING) |
| 00:42:30 |
(MOANING) |
| 00:42:34 |
You've got one active imagination, boy. |
| 00:42:37 |
(GASPS) |
| 00:42:40 |
How long was I out for? |
| 00:42:42 |
Only about eight seconds that time. |
| 00:42:49 |
(SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:42:49 |
(BONE CRACKING) |
| 00:42:50 |
(GROANS) |
| 00:43:03 |
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. |
| 00:43:06 |
Yes. Yes. |
| 00:43:10 |
(MOANING) |
| 00:43:13 |
(ROB MOANING LOUDLY) |
| 00:43:15 |
ROB: Monique! Oh! That's really nice. |
| 00:43:21 |
(CLACKING) |
| 00:43:32 |
ROB: That's it. |
| 00:43:40 |
I'm so sorry. I usually last a lot longer. |
| 00:43:45 |
Hey. |
| 00:43:47 |
Hey, was I supposed to |
| 00:43:53 |
Oh, no. No. |
| 00:43:56 |
Help! Help! Help, help, help! |
| 00:44:01 |
NATHAN: Go, go, go! Go! |
| 00:44:05 |
- Jesus. Dude. |
| 00:44:06 |
What, do you need an audience? |
| 00:44:07 |
No, no. Wait, guys. I think she's dead! |
| 00:44:10 |
Excuse me? |
| 00:44:11 |
Oh, my God. This is not good. |
| 00:44:13 |
I can't get her off. |
| 00:44:16 |
Help! She's got lockjaw. Get her off of me! |
| 00:44:18 |
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. |
| 00:44:20 |
Lockjaw! Lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, |
| 00:44:23 |
- Okay. |
| 00:44:25 |
(ALL CLAMOURING) |
| 00:44:29 |
I'm sorry! |
| 00:44:31 |
(SCREAMING) |
| 00:44:32 |
Phone. Phone. Wait. Clear! |
| 00:44:38 |
Shit. What am I doing? |
| 00:44:40 |
Clear, clear! |
| 00:44:42 |
(SCREAMING) |
| 00:44:45 |
Okay. Come down here. |
| 00:44:52 |
Forget it. It's totally screwed up. Oh, God. |
| 00:44:55 |
(DOOR OPENING) |
| 00:44:56 |
(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH) |
| 00:44:58 |
What you do to maman? |
| 00:45:01 |
(SHRIEKS) |
| 00:45:04 |
(BOYS SCREAMING) |
| 00:45:08 |
(CRYING) Maman! You killed maman! |
| 00:45:12 |
(ROARING) |
| 00:45:29 |
Fucking Americans! Come back here. |
| 00:45:37 |
ROB: I killed her. |
| 00:45:38 |
I killed her with my sperm! |
| 00:45:40 |
Hey, man, when it's your time to go, |
| 00:45:43 |
How do you know that? |
| 00:45:44 |
Man, what do you want me to say? |
| 00:45:47 |
I can't believe that was the woman |
| 00:45:50 |
Right here: "September 9th, 1995:" |
| 00:45:55 |
Let me see that. |
| 00:45:57 |
No. No, that's a seven! |
| 00:46:04 |
- I thought it was a nine. |
| 00:46:06 |
- I didn't do anything! |
| 00:46:11 |
I don't wanna be here. |
| 00:46:12 |
(THUDS) |
| 00:46:13 |
Oh, my God! I just hit a squirrel. |
| 00:46:18 |
LUBE: Well, that went well. |
| 00:46:21 |
ROB: Guys, I think it's time |
| 00:46:23 |
Look, Nathan, you've been trying to |
| 00:46:26 |
instead of just listening to her. |
| 00:46:28 |
Trying to see things from her point of view? |
| 00:46:32 |
Just a little respect. |
| 00:46:34 |
And you, you're still trying |
| 00:46:37 |
instead of just being honest. |
| 00:46:39 |
And you're still too much of a pussy |
| 00:46:52 |
You going to Stifler's house tonight? |
| 00:46:54 |
Yeah. I'll probably go with Dana. |
| 00:46:57 |
So any luck losing that thing you were |
| 00:47:00 |
- Rob. |
| 00:47:03 |
Maybe you should mind your own business. |
| 00:47:09 |
What's with you today? |
| 00:47:20 |
I wanna tell you something that |
| 00:47:24 |
Okay. |
| 00:47:31 |
I really like you. |
| 00:47:33 |
I really like you, too. |
| 00:47:36 |
No, not like that. I really like you. |
| 00:47:43 |
Oh. |
| 00:47:46 |
- Rob... |
| 00:47:48 |
You have a great personality. |
| 00:47:53 |
Oh, God, you're pretty. You even smell great. |
| 00:47:59 |
I don't know. I'm just... |
| 00:48:03 |
Now, I don't know if you feel the same way, |
| 00:48:05 |
Let's not waste any more time. Right? |
| 00:48:08 |
see where our feelings take us. |
| 00:48:14 |
I feel the same way. |
| 00:48:17 |
- You do? |
| 00:48:19 |
This is great. |
| 00:48:22 |
Why didn't you? |
| 00:48:24 |
(LAUGHING) |
| 00:48:26 |
(CELL PHONE BUZZING) |
| 00:48:27 |
It's about that time, so I gotta go. |
| 00:48:34 |
Yes. |
| 00:48:55 |
- DANA: Dad? |
| 00:48:56 |
There she is. |
| 00:49:06 |
(GASPING) They saw me! |
| 00:49:12 |
- Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. |
| 00:49:14 |
It's cool. It's cool. |
| 00:49:17 |
Nathan, look, I've been thinking. |
| 00:49:21 |
Maybe I've been too hard on you. |
| 00:49:24 |
You have? |
| 00:49:26 |
You obviously love my daughter, |
| 00:49:30 |
- We should? |
| 00:49:33 |
Honey, it is not right |
| 00:49:37 |
If you want boys to like you, you gotta |
| 00:49:54 |
This is so not cool. |
| 00:49:56 |
I mean, fantasising about |
| 00:50:00 |
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! |
| 00:50:04 |
- Dad! Stop! Stop. |
| 00:50:26 |
(ALL CHEERING) |
| 00:50:31 |
All right, girls. |
| 00:50:33 |
- Party looks good. |
| 00:50:35 |
Uh-huh. |
| 00:50:37 |
All right, listen to me. Stay focused. |
| 00:50:40 |
Be honest, show respect |
| 00:50:43 |
Stop, jerk. |
| 00:50:44 |
I can't even get near Dana. |
| 00:50:45 |
She'll be here. She's coming with Heidi. |
| 00:50:47 |
Just try and think of things |
| 00:50:49 |
Yeah, and I might as well just crack |
| 00:50:52 |
Just get her some frankincense and myrrh. |
| 00:50:54 |
That's a great idea. |
| 00:50:55 |
I'll just pick up some roofies for you |
| 00:50:58 |
You need a prescription for that, |
| 00:51:01 |
Lube, pay attention. This applies to you, too. |
| 00:51:03 |
All right. |
| 00:51:08 |
All right, Oprah. |
| 00:51:13 |
(POP MUSIC PLAYING) |
| 00:51:35 |
Hey. Isn't that that chick from Central? |
| 00:51:40 |
Yeah. |
| 00:51:41 |
Hey, Stifler. |
| 00:51:43 |
Oh, hey, there... |
| 00:51:45 |
Katie. |
| 00:51:47 |
Katie, right. I knew that. |
| 00:51:50 |
Can I talk to you for a second, |
| 00:51:55 |
Yeah, sure, you know what? |
| 00:51:56 |
Let me just grab another beer |
| 00:51:59 |
Don't you flake on me. |
| 00:52:03 |
Dude, you been working out? |
| 00:52:06 |
You two, stay amazing. My God. |
| 00:52:10 |
(GIGGLES) |
| 00:52:13 |
Hey, what's up, beautiful? |
| 00:52:15 |
You know, I got so drunk last weekend |
| 00:52:17 |
that I nailed my cock to a table, |
| 00:52:21 |
Wanna check it out? |
| 00:52:22 |
The table or your cock? |
| 00:52:24 |
God, I love that accent. |
| 00:52:26 |
Could you do me a favour and just say, |
| 00:52:28 |
"Spank me, Stifler. |
| 00:52:33 |
How did you know I like to be spanked? |
| 00:52:37 |
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Awesome! |
| 00:52:40 |
So where's this boyfriend Richard you keep |
| 00:52:44 |
He doesn't attend high-school parties. |
| 00:52:47 |
Sounds like you might be in the market |
| 00:52:51 |
Sorry, I'm vegan. |
| 00:52:54 |
Cheers. |
| 00:52:59 |
What if I use a cucumber? |
| 00:53:03 |
All right, boys. Tonight's the night. |
| 00:53:07 |
Good luck, buddy. |
| 00:53:08 |
Good luck, dude. |
| 00:53:10 |
That's it. Tonight, I'm getting laid! |
| 00:53:12 |
- Yeah, buddy! Yes! |
| 00:53:14 |
- Yes! |
| 00:53:16 |
Just give it to her nice and slow at first. |
| 00:53:18 |
Then speed her up. |
| 00:53:21 |
D.. Dana! |
| 00:53:22 |
Dana! |
| 00:53:25 |
Yeah! |
| 00:53:26 |
(WHOOPS) |
| 00:53:29 |
Yeah! Woooh! |
| 00:53:31 |
- What? |
| 00:53:36 |
- I can't find Heidi anywhere. |
| 00:53:39 |
No, no. Her car is outside. |
| 00:53:42 |
How you making out? |
| 00:53:43 |
Check it out. |
| 00:53:46 |
Don't you think maybe Ashley's |
| 00:53:50 |
I don't know. I'm just saying, you know, |
| 00:53:55 |
Maybe it's just not in the cards for you. |
| 00:53:57 |
I'm a man of refinement. |
| 00:53:59 |
Why settle for a six |
| 00:54:05 |
Okay, whatever you say, man. Good luck. |
| 00:54:10 |
I'm gonna do it. |
| 00:54:12 |
Hey, what's up, Ashley? |
| 00:54:14 |
Hey, Lube. |
| 00:54:16 |
You want a beer? |
| 00:54:18 |
Got a beer. |
| 00:54:19 |
Right. |
| 00:54:22 |
So... |
| 00:54:26 |
You obviously know that I'm, |
| 00:54:30 |
Yeah. I've seen the shrine. |
| 00:54:32 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:54:34 |
All right. |
| 00:54:36 |
Okay, so I'm just gonna be honest with you. |
| 00:54:40 |
No tricks, no hidden agenda at all. |
| 00:54:44 |
I happen to be a sensitive and expert lover. |
| 00:54:47 |
(GIRLS LAUGHING) |
| 00:54:52 |
I can guarantee that I will satisfy you |
| 00:54:56 |
and I shall not stop until I'm certain |
| 00:54:58 |
that you are completely happy |
| 00:55:06 |
Okay. |
| 00:55:14 |
(SIGHS) |
| 00:55:15 |
Look, that was a really interesting speech, |
| 00:55:20 |
and I don't really wanna embarrass you |
| 00:55:25 |
But it's not gonna happen. |
| 00:55:27 |
I mean, I think that you're, |
| 00:55:31 |
and you're really funny in class |
| 00:55:33 |
but I don't wanna have sex with you. |
| 00:55:36 |
Okay? |
| 00:55:38 |
Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. |
| 00:55:41 |
- So are we cool? |
| 00:55:44 |
All right. |
| 00:55:45 |
Well, I'm gonna go get another beer. |
| 00:55:47 |
No, no. I'm...I'm good. I'm good. |
| 00:55:54 |
- Hey. |
| 00:55:57 |
(CLEARS THROAT) What you said just now? |
| 00:56:00 |
Yeah? |
| 00:56:01 |
Was that true? |
| 00:56:03 |
Guaranteed satisfaction and you won't stop |
| 00:56:10 |
Yeah. |
| 00:56:13 |
All right. Well, what the hell. |
| 00:56:16 |
Meet me upstairs |
| 00:56:22 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:56:32 |
NATHAN: The truth is, yes, |
| 00:56:35 |
because I really, really wanna have sex. |
| 00:56:38 |
But I really wanna have sex with you. |
| 00:56:43 |
And, also, I mean, with us, |
| 00:56:49 |
I wanna forget myself for once |
| 00:56:54 |
Like, maybe try and make you feel |
| 00:57:08 |
Oh! |
| 00:57:20 |
(PHONE BEEPS) |
| 00:57:21 |
Oh. |
| 00:57:23 |
You shouldn't...You shouldn't... |
| 00:57:26 |
Don't read my phone. |
| 00:57:27 |
What's this supposed to mean? |
| 00:57:32 |
Well, I don't...What does that... |
| 00:57:33 |
I don't know what that... |
| 00:57:35 |
"I'm getting laid"? |
| 00:57:38 |
You're advertising this |
| 00:57:41 |
- No. |
| 00:57:42 |
You must be some special kind of asshole. |
| 00:57:44 |
No. No, no, no! No. I didn't...It was... |
| 00:57:47 |
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) |
| 00:57:48 |
Later, loser. |
| 00:57:54 |
Faster. Okay. Now, slower. Yes, yes. |
| 00:57:59 |
Slower. Tickle the bunny. Yes, yes. |
| 00:58:02 |
Oh, God, the man in the boat is out. |
| 00:58:04 |
Paddle, paddle, do the alphabet. Swirl. |
| 00:58:07 |
Back to the bunny. That's it. |
| 00:58:11 |
More to the left! |
| 00:58:13 |
- My left or your left? |
| 00:58:14 |
All right. |
| 00:58:17 |
Hey, have you seen Heidi? |
| 00:58:20 |
Thanks. |
| 00:58:23 |
Hey, Rob. |
| 00:58:26 |
Heidi? |
| 00:58:28 |
Hey, doggy style. |
| 00:58:32 |
So unless you want mop-up duty, |
| 00:58:35 |
(STIFLER GIGGLES) |
| 00:58:46 |
STIFLER: Hey, where are you going? |
| 00:58:47 |
This was a horrible idea. |
| 00:58:57 |
Rob? Excuse me. |
| 00:59:00 |
Excuse me. Rob. Rob. |
| 00:59:04 |
- Go away. |
| 00:59:06 |
I don't wanna see your face right now. |
| 00:59:10 |
Rob. |
| 00:59:15 |
(GASPING) |
| 00:59:17 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 00:59:24 |
Whoa, whoa. |
| 00:59:26 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:59:27 |
What happened to forgetting about yourself |
| 00:59:32 |
But I thought I just... |
| 00:59:34 |
What? You thought that what, Nathan? |
| 00:59:35 |
That you could just pretend that you cared |
| 00:59:39 |
and then just go |
| 00:59:42 |
No. You don't get it. l... |
| 00:59:44 |
No. No, you're the one |
| 00:59:58 |
Dude, you need to slow down. |
| 01:00:01 |
Yeah, seriously. Let's just go home. |
| 01:00:03 |
You, sir... |
| 01:00:07 |
Because assholes get laid! |
| 01:00:10 |
(BOYS CHEERING) |
| 01:00:12 |
Yes. |
| 01:00:15 |
No. No, no, dude. You were right. |
| 01:00:18 |
- There's something to it. |
| 01:00:21 |
We tried the nice guy thing |
| 01:00:24 |
Well, the nice guy vibe got me |
| 01:00:28 |
Hey. |
| 01:00:34 |
Well, gentlemen, you failed, |
| 01:00:41 |
So I will see you later, nice guys. |
| 01:00:47 |
- Hey. |
| 01:00:49 |
I know you want me. |
| 01:00:51 |
I'm gonna let you take me upstairs |
| 01:00:55 |
- Really? |
| 01:00:57 |
Kiss me. |
| 01:01:03 |
STIFLER: Y'all ready for some pain? |
| 01:01:09 |
Hey, ladies. |
| 01:01:13 |
(GIRLS SCREAMING) |
| 01:01:20 |
GIRL: Oh, my God. |
| 01:01:22 |
STIFLER: Oh, my God! |
| 01:01:24 |
Look at those taters! |
| 01:01:35 |
Do me from behind. |
| 01:01:37 |
What? |
| 01:01:40 |
I thought you liked it doggy style. |
| 01:01:47 |
ROB: Huh? |
| 01:01:49 |
What are you doing back there? Let's go. |
| 01:01:53 |
You're not putting your dick in that, |
| 01:01:56 |
(SCREAMS) |
| 01:01:58 |
Are you kidding me? Gross. |
| 01:02:03 |
(THUDS) |
| 01:02:21 |
(GROANS) |
| 01:02:23 |
Here. This'll help. |
| 01:02:25 |
Thanks. |
| 01:02:27 |
Honey, I know that I can't stop you |
| 01:02:30 |
but I can insist that you are safe. |
| 01:02:34 |
Did you drink and drive? |
| 01:02:36 |
No. John Costello drove me home. |
| 01:02:39 |
Well, I want you to know that if |
| 01:02:44 |
that you...You will use protection. |
| 01:02:47 |
What do you mean by carnal? |
| 01:02:52 |
This. |
| 01:02:57 |
(GROANS) |
| 01:02:58 |
GIRL: Are you kidding me? Gross. |
| 01:03:00 |
Is there no such thing as privacy any more? |
| 01:03:02 |
I will tell your father that |
| 01:03:06 |
You're not feeling well. |
| 01:03:09 |
Thanks. |
| 01:03:14 |
How was she? |
| 01:03:17 |
- How was who? |
| 01:03:19 |
How do you know about that? |
| 01:03:20 |
Who do you think is forwarding |
| 01:03:28 |
ROB: I'm ready to give up. |
| 01:03:30 |
I thought I had the answers. |
| 01:03:32 |
It's too bad that 99% of the bible's |
| 01:03:38 |
That's it. |
| 01:03:40 |
We need to reconstruct the bible. |
| 01:03:42 |
Why? |
| 01:03:43 |
The secrets are in there. |
| 01:03:44 |
I mean, there's no one single answer |
| 01:03:47 |
Right? We need the whole book |
| 01:03:49 |
Probably has a lot of crap in there |
| 01:03:52 |
like positions, techniques, |
| 01:03:55 |
Exactly. That's what the bible was |
| 01:03:59 |
And we owe it to the others. |
| 01:04:03 |
I owe it to future generations |
| 01:04:05 |
Dude, I'm all for it, but how? |
| 01:04:14 |
Where do we start? |
| 01:04:18 |
From the beginning. |
| 01:04:20 |
LUBE: This must be the guy |
| 01:04:23 |
(RINGING) |
| 01:04:27 |
Hello? |
| 01:04:28 |
ROB: Hi: May I speak |
| 01:04:31 |
Speaking. |
| 01:04:32 |
Are you the one who created the bible? |
| 01:04:36 |
No, that would be God. |
| 01:04:38 |
No, no, no: Hold on. |
| 01:04:40 |
I'm referring to the bible. |
| 01:04:45 |
I'm calling from |
| 01:04:50 |
NOAH: It was the summer |
| 01:04:54 |
and my buddies and I, |
| 01:04:57 |
where we run into a group |
| 01:05:01 |
who were willing to trade their bodies |
| 01:05:05 |
Well, needless to say, we had ourselves |
| 01:05:10 |
sexually speaking, if you get my drift. |
| 01:05:13 |
But the sad news was, |
| 01:05:16 |
We had no technique. |
| 01:05:18 |
And then one day, we were out sight-seeing, |
| 01:05:21 |
and we run into this Dutch hooker |
| 01:05:24 |
and she tells us about this book. |
| 01:05:28 |
It was a sex manual, evidently written |
| 01:05:33 |
Well, we read that thing cover to cover, |
| 01:05:35 |
and then when we got back |
| 01:05:38 |
I had the bright idea to write my own book |
| 01:05:41 |
and add my own observations |
| 01:05:45 |
and leave it in the library for some |
| 01:05:49 |
But I had no idea it had been |
| 01:05:53 |
Your book is a legend, Mr Levenstein. |
| 01:05:58 |
Do you have it here? |
| 01:06:00 |
Yeah. |
| 01:06:01 |
May I see it? |
| 01:06:07 |
Oh. |
| 01:06:08 |
Oh, my. |
| 01:06:11 |
Boys. |
| 01:06:14 |
This is a real piece of history here. |
| 01:06:17 |
What happened to it? |
| 01:06:19 |
Well, that's why we're here. |
| 01:06:21 |
The bible kinda got ruined, |
| 01:06:22 |
so we wanna call everyone on the list |
| 01:06:27 |
Oh. |
| 01:06:30 |
Well, I think you boys might need |
| 01:06:36 |
Well, girls have the advantage, |
| 01:06:40 |
and don't kid yourself, |
| 01:06:42 |
Penis size, penis shape, |
| 01:06:46 |
Whether it winks at you. They talk. |
| 01:06:48 |
Now, to really make love to a woman, |
| 01:06:52 |
But...Hey, sex is great, but sex with |
| 01:06:56 |
Dude, that is so profound. |
| 01:06:58 |
Telling you. |
| 01:06:59 |
Yeah, definitely gets lonely on the road. |
| 01:07:01 |
Sure, I made love to all kinds |
| 01:07:04 |
Did you ever try making love |
| 01:07:06 |
Nothing comes close. |
| 01:07:07 |
What? |
| 01:07:08 |
Well, maybe a deboned ham hock, |
| 01:07:13 |
Bend your knees. |
| 01:07:14 |
Next time you spank it, sit Indian-style. |
| 01:07:17 |
You won't come, not in a million years. |
| 01:07:19 |
MAN: Our sex organs |
| 01:07:22 |
Sure, you can have any technician |
| 01:07:24 |
but to place your instrument into |
| 01:07:27 |
That, my young friend, is true harmony. |
| 01:07:30 |
NOAH: Guys don't talk to each other |
| 01:07:32 |
because they view each other |
| 01:07:34 |
which I think is crazy. You know? |
| 01:07:36 |
Because men need to help each other |
| 01:07:40 |
NO AH: Noah Levenstein, class of '70. |
| 01:07:42 |
ROB: Pete Sambrelli? |
| 01:07:45 |
ROB: Do you have a number for him? |
| 01:07:46 |
Hi: This is regarding his advice |
| 01:07:48 |
We found the tongue tornado in Regina. |
| 01:07:52 |
(BOYS CHEERING) |
| 01:07:53 |
You said bros befo' hos. |
| 01:07:55 |
Isn't that what you said? Bros befo' hos. |
| 01:07:59 |
Well, so did the entire glee club, Carlito. |
| 01:08:05 |
It's all about chemistry, |
| 01:08:13 |
MAN: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, |
| 01:08:16 |
Boys, we got another confirmation. |
| 01:08:17 |
MAN: You gotta treat your lady right. |
| 01:08:19 |
You've got to be gentle, kind |
| 01:08:24 |
- Who are you talking to? |
| 01:08:27 |
This is how you get her really excited. |
| 01:08:29 |
Stick your finger in her ass. Trust me. |
| 01:08:32 |
Was that two fingers or one? |
| 01:08:35 |
LUBE: I'm sorry. |
| 01:08:38 |
NOAH: Phone, phone. Okay. |
| 01:08:41 |
LUBE: Then what happened? |
| 01:08:42 |
Hello. Yeah. Class of '77. |
| 01:08:45 |
Yeah, hold on. Let me get a pen. |
| 01:08:47 |
Pete O'Donnell, please. |
| 01:08:49 |
Who is this? |
| 01:08:51 |
Mr O'Donnell, this is Marshall Lubetski. |
| 01:08:54 |
I just wanted to talk to you about |
| 01:08:57 |
You know, about having anal sex |
| 01:09:03 |
(ALL CLAMOURING) |
| 01:09:13 |
...very much! Mark S.! |
| 01:09:18 |
(ALL CHEERING) |
| 01:09:27 |
This is not a sex manual. |
| 01:09:30 |
It is a life manual. |
| 01:09:35 |
Now, I've been married for 35 years |
| 01:09:37 |
and not just because |
| 01:09:41 |
who knows how to satisfy a woman. |
| 01:09:43 |
I've been married 35 years |
| 01:09:48 |
and I respect my wife. |
| 01:09:51 |
And whether it's Amsterdam |
| 01:09:54 |
it all comes down to this. |
| 01:09:55 |
If you're honest and treat a girl with respect, |
| 01:10:00 |
then whatever happens is meant to happen, |
| 01:10:11 |
Boys, I've prepared you for this quest. |
| 01:10:15 |
And before you lies |
| 01:10:27 |
This book is a powerful weapon, |
| 01:10:32 |
so use it for good, |
| 01:10:35 |
not evil. |
| 01:11:26 |
Yes. |
| 01:11:27 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:11:28 |
(DOOR CLOSING) |
| 01:11:34 |
ROB: You still looking for the vacuum? |
| 01:11:35 |
No. I found it in Cody's room. So strange. |
| 01:11:39 |
I mean, I just don't remember |
| 01:11:42 |
(LAUGHS) Losing my mind, clearly. |
| 01:11:44 |
Hey, Mom, can I go on the ski trip? |
| 01:11:48 |
Yes. |
| 01:11:50 |
But no drinking, |
| 01:11:54 |
Don't worry. If I do anything wrong, |
| 01:11:58 |
Call you when I get there. |
| 01:12:15 |
(CHATTERING) |
| 01:12:16 |
(ALL WHOOPING) |
| 01:12:19 |
Drinking round! |
| 01:12:29 |
- Deal me in. |
| 01:12:32 |
Katie. |
| 01:12:33 |
I know. But what are you doing here? |
| 01:12:35 |
- I wanna play. |
| 01:12:38 |
Just deal her in, Stifler. What's the big deal? |
| 01:12:40 |
AMY: Yeah, deal her in. |
| 01:12:48 |
Hi, Nathan. |
| 01:12:53 |
Thanks for the flowers. |
| 01:12:54 |
I'm sorry about being a jerk. |
| 01:12:58 |
I'm ready to respect you |
| 01:13:01 |
Really? But why? |
| 01:13:06 |
I'm in this for you. |
| 01:13:10 |
Well, I realised that I'm in this for you, |
| 01:13:12 |
and if the pledge gets in the way of that, |
| 01:13:16 |
Sounds like a good basis for the two of us |
| 01:13:21 |
Look. I bought a book. |
| 01:13:25 |
I was thinking that we could |
| 01:13:27 |
start on page one |
| 01:13:31 |
The first three chapters are foreplay. |
| 01:13:33 |
Wow. |
| 01:13:35 |
You know, I've actually been |
| 01:13:39 |
Have you ever heard of the tongue tornado? |
| 01:13:42 |
Okay, let's go. |
| 01:13:48 |
This is supposed to be fun. |
| 01:13:51 |
This isn't fun. |
| 01:13:53 |
Just you wait. You possess wisdom now. |
| 01:13:56 |
Trust in the book. |
| 01:14:03 |
I mean, what does that mean, anyway? |
| 01:14:07 |
No. No, of course not. |
| 01:14:10 |
Do you even know how to play poker? |
| 01:14:11 |
KATIE: I know the game. |
| 01:14:12 |
And I tell you what, |
| 01:14:16 |
(ALL EXCLAIMING) |
| 01:14:19 |
AMY: Snap. |
| 01:14:20 |
And if I lose? |
| 01:14:22 |
You apologise to me. |
| 01:14:25 |
- For what? Blowing you off? |
| 01:14:27 |
If it's not enough, it was my first time. |
| 01:14:30 |
I deserve better. |
| 01:14:31 |
(GASPS) |
| 01:14:34 |
But if I win, |
| 01:14:37 |
you gotta run through the snow naked. |
| 01:14:40 |
(ALL CHEERING) |
| 01:14:42 |
- Yeah. |
| 01:14:53 |
Start stripping, sweetheart. |
| 01:14:55 |
It's not over yet. |
| 01:15:00 |
Feeling lucky? |
| 01:15:03 |
You better hope for a five on the river, baby. |
| 01:15:14 |
ASHLEY: She got the five! Unbelievable. |
| 01:15:16 |
(SCREAMING) |
| 01:15:18 |
Oh, my God. |
| 01:15:21 |
- Strip. |
| 01:15:23 |
- Strip. |
| 01:15:24 |
ALL: (CHANTING) |
| 01:15:27 |
Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! |
| 01:15:32 |
You want me to strip? |
| 01:15:36 |
It's time to get it going, baby! |
| 01:15:39 |
(ALL CHEERING) |
| 01:15:41 |
All right, let's go! Here we go, baby. |
| 01:15:46 |
STIFLER: Wait, let's talk this over. |
| 01:15:50 |
Shit. It's freezing out here. |
| 01:15:53 |
Now apologise. |
| 01:15:55 |
- I'm sorry. |
| 01:15:57 |
I'm sorry for not calling you afterwards. |
| 01:16:00 |
And what else? |
| 01:16:01 |
I'm sorry for being a dick, okay? |
| 01:16:04 |
Now, open the stinking door. |
| 01:16:06 |
GIRLS: Oh! |
| 01:16:08 |
(EXCLAIMING) |
| 01:16:17 |
Open the door! |
| 01:16:19 |
Now, tell everyone how you cry |
| 01:16:23 |
I cry like a girl after I come, okay? |
| 01:16:27 |
It's a very intense experience for me. |
| 01:16:30 |
(MOOSE BELLOWING) |
| 01:16:35 |
Call 911 . |
| 01:17:48 |
Hey, I'll meet you at the lodge later. |
| 01:17:49 |
Yeah, yeah, sure. Go. |
| 01:17:52 |
ROB: Heidi. Wait up. |
| 01:18:02 |
Do you mind if I ride up with you? |
| 01:18:05 |
Okay. |
| 01:18:35 |
Hey. What's up? |
| 01:18:39 |
We...We're in the same gondola. |
| 01:18:43 |
Yeah, look at that. |
| 01:18:50 |
(GROANING) |
| 01:18:56 |
Oh, God. |
| 01:19:14 |
I didn't sleep with Stifler. |
| 01:19:15 |
Yeah. I heard. |
| 01:19:18 |
- But you still hate me? |
| 01:19:22 |
No. Why would you say that? |
| 01:19:24 |
You haven't said a word to me |
| 01:19:28 |
I know. I'm sorry. |
| 01:19:31 |
I guess I just... |
| 01:19:40 |
And? What did you decide? |
| 01:19:46 |
Gibbs says that Stifler has to sit on |
| 01:19:50 |
And he says they're talking about |
| 01:19:54 |
Gibbs is a liar. |
| 01:19:57 |
That's too bad. I got an A in Shop. |
| 01:20:04 |
(SNORTS) |
| 01:20:05 |
Oh, my. Was that a snort? |
| 01:20:22 |
Come to gloat? |
| 01:20:23 |
No. Just looking for a fag. |
| 01:20:26 |
Just 'cause I took a moose pickle up my ass |
| 01:20:30 |
Very funny. How's your bum? |
| 01:20:32 |
Feels like I gave birth to a mayonnaise jar, |
| 01:20:37 |
Hey, I heard about your boyfriend. |
| 01:20:41 |
Yeah. I thought only high school boys |
| 01:20:44 |
It turns out they never outgrow it. |
| 01:20:46 |
Lmogen, no offence, |
| 01:20:50 |
but a 24-year-old dude isn't gonna take |
| 01:20:54 |
I suppose not. |
| 01:20:57 |
You wanna sit down? |
| 01:20:59 |
What for? |
| 01:21:00 |
I just thought we could both use |
| 01:21:16 |
Stifler. |
| 01:21:17 |
My bad. Reflex. |
| 01:21:19 |
(LAUGHS) |
| 01:21:22 |
ROB: I'm sorry. |
| 01:21:24 |
You have to make your own decisions. |
| 01:21:25 |
You know, I just... |
| 01:21:29 |
We did. |
| 01:21:32 |
We do. |
| 01:21:35 |
I was scared. |
| 01:21:37 |
Of what? |
| 01:21:42 |
I really like you. |
| 01:21:45 |
And I want it to be special. |
| 01:21:49 |
I guess I just wanted to be ready. |
| 01:21:54 |
So you almost had sex with Stifler |
| 01:22:00 |
Yeah. |
| 01:22:02 |
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. |
| 01:22:06 |
Well, I heard you got some practise. |
| 01:22:09 |
You know, the truth is, |
| 01:22:14 |
I didn't want it to be random like that. |
| 01:22:17 |
And... |
| 01:22:21 |
I couldn't picture my first time |
| 01:22:45 |
What was that? |
| 01:22:48 |
I don't know. |
| 01:22:53 |
- Looks like we're stuck. |
| 01:23:00 |
You know, we could be up here for a while. |
| 01:23:04 |
Yeah. |
| 01:23:31 |
LUBE: Hey, can I ask you a question? |
| 01:23:33 |
Yeah, sure. Whatever. |
| 01:23:35 |
Why do you hook up with assholes |
| 01:23:37 |
Excuse me, but you don't know me. |
| 01:23:40 |
(SCOFFS) You know, |
| 01:23:43 |
I'm just some sort of trophy to you. |
| 01:23:44 |
You don't care about me. |
| 01:23:47 |
because you think |
| 01:23:50 |
Sorry. |
| 01:23:52 |
(ASHLEY SIGHS) |
| 01:23:53 |
God. |
| 01:23:56 |
How long are we gonna be up here? |
| 01:24:00 |
I'll get help. |
| 01:24:03 |
ASHLEY: What are you doing? |
| 01:24:05 |
It's not that far down, |
| 01:24:08 |
What, is this supposed to impress me? |
| 01:24:10 |
The thought had crossed my mind. |
| 01:24:12 |
Absolutely not. First of all, it's just wrong. |
| 01:24:14 |
Second of all, |
| 01:24:16 |
And third, it's just really dangerous, okay? |
| 01:24:21 |
Right. What was I thinking? |
| 01:24:27 |
Whoa! |
| 01:24:28 |
(ASHLEY SCREAMING) |
| 01:24:32 |
Are you okay? |
| 01:24:33 |
I think I hurt my leg. |
| 01:24:35 |
(SIGHS) |
| 01:24:36 |
Idiot. |
| 01:24:53 |
Are you okay? |
| 01:24:55 |
Are you crazy? |
| 01:24:58 |
Are you okay? |
| 01:25:00 |
Yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. |
| 01:25:03 |
About what you said |
| 01:25:07 |
and you're just a trophy, |
| 01:25:10 |
I really like you. |
| 01:25:14 |
I remember when you sang Hey Ya! |
| 01:25:18 |
I remember when you fell off the pyramid |
| 01:25:22 |
You were so embarrassed, but I didn't care. |
| 01:25:25 |
I just liked how you played it off |
| 01:25:29 |
I mean, yeah, sure, you're a super-hot babe, |
| 01:25:37 |
Look, this may be a shock to you, |
| 01:25:40 |
but I have no idea what I'm doing with girls. |
| 01:25:46 |
But I really wanna learn. |
| 01:25:50 |
That's all I'm asking. |
| 01:25:53 |
And I guarantee that |
| 01:25:57 |
to satisfy you in every way possible. |
| 01:26:37 |
- Let's go back to the... |
| 01:27:37 |
Dude. You forgot to sign it. |
| 01:27:47 |
You sure we can't just keep it |
| 01:27:50 |
No, guys, it's someone else's turn. |
| 01:28:35 |
ROB ON COMPUTER. |
| 01:28:38 |
and this is what he does |
| 01:28:43 |
No! Hey! No! |
| 01:28:45 |
COD Y: Help! It's stuck! I can't get it off! |
| 01:28:49 |
(COD Y GRO ANING) |
| 01:28:50 |
Help! Help! It's stuck. |
| 01:28:53 |
(LAUGHS) Gotcha. |
| 01:28:56 |
COD Y: Help! |
| 01:29:00 |
No! |
| 01:29:05 |
She was using me. l...That was really bad. |
| 01:29:10 |
Father, why hast Thou forsaken me? |
| 01:29:13 |
Wanna suck me off in the Sharper lmage? |
| 01:29:16 |
Rob, are you some kind of jive turkey? |
| 01:29:21 |
He's like an inch away from the real McCoy. |
| 01:29:24 |
Did you bring condoms? |
| 01:29:26 |
What? |
| 01:29:28 |
I wet the bed until I was 13 years old, okay? |
| 01:29:31 |
You nancy boys couldn't get lucky |
| 01:29:34 |
with a fistful of backstage passes. |
| 01:29:36 |
Faith in God and His promise of eternal life. |
| 01:29:41 |
Now, put the condom on the banana. |
| 01:29:45 |
Who didn't see that coming? |
| 01:29:50 |
I think that is quite enough pictures |
| 01:29:53 |
How about we get some of the game? |
| 01:29:56 |
We're eating. |
| 01:29:57 |
(FARTS) |
| 01:29:59 |
You've been fucking Americans or... |
| 01:30:02 |
Watching, loving... |
| 01:30:08 |
Bear with me. |
| 01:30:09 |
If she's down, bring her flowers. |
| 01:30:12 |
If she's thirsty, serve her fine champagne. |
| 01:30:14 |
Yeah, 'cause, I'm telling you, |
| 01:30:17 |
I'm talking a tight, tight ass |
| 01:30:21 |
Is that cream-filled? You rock. |
| 01:30:24 |
Oh. Don't mention that, okay? |
| 01:30:27 |
And whenever it comes to making out, |
