Lesbian Vampire Killers

en
00:00:47 [Man narrating] Centuries ago,
00:00:52 our peaceful hamlet
00:00:59 ... born not of man, but spewed forth
00:01:02 - from the fieriest pits of Hades...
00:01:06 ... with an evil fuelled by
00:01:12 Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
00:01:17 No one could defeat her, save one man:
00:01:20 A baron away for decades
00:01:26 Upon his return, the baron found
00:01:30 had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
00:01:33 and turned her into a lover
00:01:36 No!
00:01:40 Consumed with vengeance,
00:01:44 and flee the village.
00:01:47 He unearthed the sacred
00:01:49 where he discovered
00:01:52 this unholy harpy, once and for all,
00:01:56 a weapon blessed with
00:02:01 ...and infused with his own blood.
00:02:04 [Man] Without fear,
00:02:14 [Cries out]
00:02:16 But before the baron
00:02:20 Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
00:02:23 As you strike me down,
00:02:26 within me into your daughters
00:02:30 and they shall not rest
00:02:34 They will know your breed
00:02:38 And when the life's blood
00:02:41 mixes with that of a virgin girl,
00:02:43 I shall rise again, more powerful
00:02:49 [Man] And with that,
00:02:56 Henceforth,
00:02:59 upon her 18th birthday,
00:03:03 and reborn a lesbian vampire.
00:03:06 Our only salvation is a prophecy
00:03:09 when the last descendent
00:03:12 shall return to this hamlet and vanquish
00:03:18 That time... has begun.
00:03:21 - I'm not happy, Jimmy.
00:03:26 Things are different now
00:03:29 I just don't love you anymore.
00:03:33 - I'm just not in love with you.
00:03:36 - You know I'll always love you.
00:03:41 I don't dump you, Jimmy.
00:03:44 to re-evaluate the parameters
00:03:47 That's what makes us so strong together.
00:03:52 If we're that strong together,
00:03:55 I'm not dumping you. I just think
00:03:59 That doesn't make
00:04:02 Feel it with your heart,
00:04:06 - So... you are dumping me?
00:04:11 But, also in a sense, yes.
00:04:15 - [Neighbour woman] Yes!
00:04:22 I'm not happy, Fletch.
00:04:24 [Fletch] I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
00:04:26 Your best just isn't good enough.
00:04:28 - What more do you want me to do?
00:04:31 - This has to be the end of the line.
00:04:33 - What did I do wrong?
00:04:37 You know what I get like when people
00:04:40 He was seven.
00:04:43 Old enough to know
00:04:46 Fletch, you punched a child.
00:04:48 He was spraying me
00:04:51 - What was I supposed to do?
00:04:54 Then he shouldn't be spraying
00:04:57 - You gave him a bloody nose!
00:05:01 Christ, Fletch. I don't know
00:05:07 I guess I just don't like kids.
00:05:09 I keep telling you,
00:05:12 I know. A slight problem.
00:05:16 Maybe I could just be
00:05:19 - You're fired.
00:05:23 No. Drop your costume at the desk
00:05:37 - Do I get this week's money?
00:05:39 - [¶ VV Brown: Crying Blood]
00:05:42 ¶ I'm cryin’ blood
00:05:45 ¶ I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
00:05:48 ¶ And I'm fallin' like a comet
00:05:51 ¶ I'm cryin’ blood
00:05:54 ¶ I'm cryin’ blood
00:05:56 ¶ I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
00:06:00 ¶ And I'm fallin’ like a comet
00:06:03 ¶ Oh, how you
00:06:04 ¶ Oh, how you need me
00:06:06 ¶ Desperately
00:06:08 ¶ Desperately need me
00:06:09 ¶ Wish you could...
00:06:11 I've come up with a plan
00:06:13 What, like revenge?
00:06:15 No, getting her back, not
00:06:19 Getting her back.
00:06:23 Stop there.
00:06:25 - The two of us, on our own...
00:06:28 Like when you went to Falaraki
00:06:32 water ski instructor
00:06:34 She didn't dump me.
00:06:38 Not that confused she couldn't
00:06:40 - That's my bird you're talking about.
00:06:47 Look, you need to get away
00:06:50 Let us have a wacky adventure,
00:06:53 I'm not gonna bum you, but I think
00:06:57 Say what you like, but you cannot
00:07:00 - Some might say annoying.
00:07:04 I don't know.
00:07:08 [Whispers] lbiza. [blows]
00:07:11 The sun, the sea, the sand,
00:07:16 Lots and lots of fanny.
00:07:22 A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
00:07:26 All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
00:07:29 and if there's a few stragglers
00:07:36 I can't. I'm skint.
00:07:37 What? I thought
00:07:40 Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
00:07:42 Oh, my God! Why don't you just get
00:07:47 Can't you see what that witch
00:07:50 Relied on that money for my holiday.
00:07:55 - How much have you got?
00:07:58 Uh, well...
00:08:00 Tricky, because
00:08:03 - You hit another girl?
00:08:05 I don't want to talk about it.
00:08:07 So what we're essentially saying is that
00:08:12 - Pretty much.
00:08:34 Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
00:08:37 - I've finally done it!
00:08:40 Get the "champers" on ice.
00:08:44 - Oh, bloody hell.
00:08:48 - so you and me can have fun.
00:08:52 - [Giggles]
00:08:55 Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
00:09:01 Who the hell are you?
00:09:05 - Who the hell are you?
00:09:08 - Really? I'm his wife.
00:09:14 [Exhales] Right.
00:09:22 - Dave, get back here!
00:09:24 - I never meant for you to find out.
00:09:35 - I got a plan.
00:09:39 - It's cheap.
00:09:42 Let's... go... hiking.
00:09:50 That... is one of the most
00:09:53 ideas for a holiday
00:09:57 - It's a great idea.
00:10:02 Wherever it lands on the map,
00:10:06 Leave it to the hands of fate.
00:10:08 - What do you say?
00:10:09 - It'll be brilliant.
00:10:12 Let the dart show us the way.
00:10:15 All right, then. Fuck it.
00:10:17 I'm only agreeing because
00:10:21 and because
00:10:25 Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
00:10:47 I never heard of it.
00:10:51 Cragwi... Cragwich?
00:10:53 It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
00:11:00 Christ, you're a tit!
00:11:14 [Inhales, exhales] Get that?
00:11:18 - Country air. Nothing like it.
00:11:21 Smells like normal air
00:11:24 Exactly. Nothing like the
00:11:27 to take your mind off your troubles.
00:11:29 [Birds cawing]
00:11:31 Have you brought anything besides beer?
00:11:39 You're expecting a
00:11:42 [Flies buzzing]
00:11:49 [Cell phone buzzing]
00:11:53 - Hello?
00:11:55 - Judy?
00:11:57 I've been thinking, and I realise
00:12:01 I want to come back, Jimmy.
00:12:05 - What?
00:12:07 - Hello?
00:12:11 I can't hear... Hello?
00:12:13 - [Mouthing words]
00:12:16 I'll drive to meet you.
00:12:18 We can talk, the two of us.
00:12:22 When I get there,
00:12:35 - Why'd you do that?
00:12:40 But... I can't fucking believe
00:12:44 OK, maybe I did overreact
00:12:47 I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
00:12:50 Jim!
00:13:01 [Panting] Hold up a minute.
00:13:04 [Coughing, groaning]
00:13:06 [Flatulence, coughs]
00:13:13 Can't we take a little rest?
00:13:16 We've only been walking
00:13:19 Yeah, but you're not walking.
00:13:22 It's like you're in a mood with me.
00:13:24 - I can't imagine why. Can you?
00:13:29 - Oh, fuck off.
00:13:31 I've dragged my arse
00:13:34 I can't even pronounce, for you,
00:13:37 Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone
00:13:41 What? Like the last seven times?
00:13:43 You're a mental case holding out
00:13:47 to have you back for the... drum roll,
00:13:51 That's why we're here
00:13:53 it might be remotely possible
00:13:56 in so much as a polite conversation.
00:14:01 - There might be girls.
00:14:03 - [Door shuts]
00:14:07 [¶ Wolfmother: Woman]
00:14:16 ¶ Woman
00:14:17 ¶ You know you
00:14:19 ¶ You got to be a
00:14:21 ¶ I've got the feeling of love
00:14:23 ¶ When you're talking to me
00:14:25 ¶ You see right through me
00:14:28 ¶ I've got the feeling of love
00:14:30 ¶ She's a woman, you know what I mean
00:14:33 ¶ You better listen, listen to me
00:14:37 ¶ She's gonna set you free
00:14:40 ¶ Oh, oh, yeah
00:14:56 - What are the chances?
00:15:04 Come on, Jim.
00:15:06 - Yeah. So?
00:15:10 Are you some kind of eunuch
00:15:13 Not bad enough that woman's robbed you
00:15:17 I'm sorry.
00:15:20 No... Not that I literally
00:15:23 That's just sick. Look.
00:15:27 These small, rural places
00:15:30 the créme de la créme of the
00:15:34 They go a bundle for city boys like
00:15:37 I guarantee this place will be
00:15:41 English country maidens,
00:15:45 [Objects clatter]
00:15:50 - [Sheep bleats]
00:15:53 It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
00:15:56 Don't sweat it.
00:15:59 The womenfolk are all off
00:16:02 in some kind of naked fertility
00:16:05 That village green will be full
00:16:08 - These guys look weird.
00:16:12 They're just blokes, like you and I.
00:16:14 They like a beer,
00:16:18 They're my kind of people.
00:16:29 Good morrow.
00:16:30 Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
00:16:39 There you go.
00:16:41 Compliments of the house, lads.
00:16:54 Thank you.
00:16:59 [Sheep bleats]
00:17:11 Keep it together, mate.
00:17:16 I'm just a bit worried
00:17:24 So how many more, Tom?
00:17:27 Don't you be all high and mighty
00:17:30 We have to stop this madness.
00:17:33 - Reckon that's his daughter?
00:17:36 We can't let more
00:17:39 - Then what? Then they'll come for us!
00:17:42 Don't you see they have us already?
00:17:46 and we are spineless fools
00:17:49 I know it's hard, vicar, what with
00:17:53 Eighteen? Love it.
00:17:54 Together we can stop this.
00:18:00 What a tosser.
00:18:03 Who is with me?
00:18:10 No, it can't be.
00:18:12 No, that's impossible.
00:18:15 - It can't be you. What is your name?
00:18:19 - That is enough, Father. Enough!
00:18:23 Come, child.
00:18:31 Does he know you? Have you been
00:18:36 - Never seen him before in my life.
00:18:40 Here you go.
00:18:43 Sorry for the vicar.
00:18:48 If you lads want a bed for the night,
00:18:52 there be a cottage,
00:18:54 not two miles down the road.
00:18:58 Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
00:19:00 - We're a bit light on the old...
00:19:02 Oh, it don't cost nothing.
00:19:06 Any weary traveller
00:19:12 You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
00:19:17 If there's one thing I like more
00:19:20 Thank you very much.
00:19:22 Might be a bit
00:19:25 I sent some beautiful young girls
00:19:40 [¶ Ida Maria: I Like You So Much Better
00:19:42 ¶ Take off your clothes
00:19:45 ¶ I like you so much better
00:19:47 ¶ I like me so much better
00:19:50 ¶ I like you so much better
00:19:54 [song continues indistinctly]
00:19:56 - [Truck engine sputtering]
00:20:01 What's wrong with it?
00:20:03 Come on, come on. [stuttering]
00:20:07 - [Engine sputters, dies]
00:20:12 [Engine failing]
00:20:18 [Gasps]
00:20:21 - Come on!
00:20:24 - We're screwed.
00:20:27 Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,
00:20:31 Are you sure you put petrol in?
00:20:34 - [Lotte] Anke, for the fifth time, yes.
00:20:37 Well, let us walk to the cottage.
00:20:40 The landlord said
00:20:43 - Ja.
00:20:46 We should go get help.
00:20:49 Ja. Ja.
00:20:53 I'm only going back there with knives.
00:20:58 - I think we should stay with the van.
00:21:01 - [Scraping noises]
00:21:10 - [noises continue]
00:21:12 - What is it?
00:21:16 [Lotte] There's something out there.
00:21:19 - Stop scaring us, Lotte.
00:21:21 - [Clattering]
00:21:27 It's coming from the roof!
00:21:31 - It is probably just a branch.
00:21:33 Ja.
00:21:49 [Exhales deeply]
00:21:52 - I told you!
00:21:56 [All screaming]
00:22:01 - Evening, ladies.
00:22:04 Excuse us.
00:22:06 - and we were a little bit spooked.
00:22:10 Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
00:22:13 This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
00:22:16 Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
00:22:22 - Beer?
00:22:25 Ja, ja, ja!
00:22:28 You're my type of girl.
00:22:30 [Fletch, women laughing]
00:22:33 The name's Fletch.
00:22:37 - What's your name?
00:22:40 He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
00:22:42 - [Women] Oh!
00:22:45 - Hello, Jimmy.
00:22:49 So, what are four lovely ladies like
00:22:54 We're on our way
00:22:57 [Wheezing laughter]
00:23:00 There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
00:23:02 These girls are all going to the exact
00:23:07 [Women shrieking]
00:23:10 - Yes! Yes!
00:23:13 Great.
00:23:15 - Do you want to ride with us?
00:23:19 - [Heidi] Oh, yeah!
00:23:21 When in Rome. [chuckles]
00:23:23 - Be careful. You know what happens.
00:23:32 - [Anke] OK, let's go.
00:23:38 [Women laughing]
00:23:46 A couple of young fellows
00:23:49 Directed them towards the cottage
00:23:53 What? Just carry on down the road?
00:23:56 There you go, miss. Carry straight
00:24:02 Now, she was a pretty one.
00:24:04 They always are, Sidney.
00:24:08 Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,
00:24:14 - [Spits]
00:24:17 Pint, Jack?
00:24:46 - Wow. This place is amazing!
00:24:51 - Oh, cool!
00:24:54 - Can we actually move here?
00:24:56 - Yes!
00:24:59 [Grunting]
00:25:04 [All chattering, exclaiming]
00:25:11 - [¶ Arrow: Hot Hot Hot]
00:25:13 - We need Schnapps!
00:25:17 - [Women chattering]
00:25:20 J man, bottoms up!
00:25:23 - Bottoms up!
00:25:26 - [Anke] Oh, yummy!
00:25:30 Oh!
00:25:35 ¶ Feelin' hot, hot, hot
00:25:39 ¶ Feelin’ hot, hot, hot
00:25:54 This might be the best night
00:26:00 Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
00:26:04 [Chattering, exclaiming]
00:26:07 ¶ Let me rum bum bum bum
00:26:11 ¶ Let me rum bum bum bum
00:26:14 I love hiking!
00:26:16 ¶ Olé, olé, olé, olé
00:26:20 ¶ Olé, olé, olé, olé
00:26:23 ¶ Let me rum bum bum bum
00:26:27 - ¶ Let me rum bum bum bum
00:26:30 - Take your clothes off!
00:26:35 ¶ Feelin’ hot, hot, hot
00:26:40 - Do you know of Carmilla?
00:26:42 - Uh, no. Is that who it is?
00:26:48 - Carmilla. She's why we're all here.
00:26:51 We're students of folklore and ancient
00:26:56 This village is home to the legend
00:27:00 - Vampire queen?
00:27:02 she's much, much more than
00:27:06 Some say she's 2,000 years old.
00:27:08 You believe in that
00:27:11 Where I grew up,
00:27:14 Cragwich is particularly
00:27:17 The book of folklore tells
00:27:20 and what Carmilla did to it
00:27:22 Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
00:27:25 quivers with desire
00:27:29 Carmilla, the vampire queen.
00:27:35 [¶ Whigfield: Saturday Night]
00:27:37 ¶ Saturday, Saturday
00:27:39 - Hey! Jimmy Peon!
00:27:42 Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
00:27:46 It is your turn to go
00:27:48 ¶ Saturday night
00:27:50 - Too many beers. I need a piss.
00:27:54 What? It's... It's dark out there.
00:27:56 Heidi, are you afraid
00:28:00 - Anke, don't be mean.
00:28:05 - Don't worry. I will go with her.
00:28:10 - ¶ Saturday night
00:28:14 - Here come the beers. Ja?
00:28:18 He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
00:28:23 She's pretending to bum me.
00:28:25 Oh, his heart's in the right place.
00:28:28 It's just a shame
00:28:38 - [Heidi] Think his ying yang is big?
00:28:51 [Shivering]
00:28:54 ¶ I like you so much better
00:28:59 ¶ I like you so much
00:29:13 All right. Which one do you want, then?
00:29:16 Haven't thought about it.
00:29:20 Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
00:29:23 Which one do you fancy?
00:29:26 - Just answer the question.
00:29:30 - She seems really nice and friendly.
00:29:33 And it's like
00:29:38 She's just really sweet.
00:29:43 It's like looking into bottomless pools.
00:29:47 - And you?
00:29:49 Massive tits, never speaks.
00:29:53 [Sniffing]
00:29:56 [Sniffs] Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
00:30:00 Ja. Ja.
00:30:03 [Sniffs] Oh,ja.
00:30:10 [Anke] Hurry up!
00:30:19 [Female voice whispering] Anke.
00:30:28 - Anke?
00:30:31 - Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.
00:30:35 [Light crackling]
00:30:39 Fuck!
00:30:42 Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
00:30:45 [Clattering continues]
00:30:49 Anke!
00:31:01 Anke?
00:31:09 Anke? Anke!
00:31:13 [Roars]
00:31:16 Why are they taking so long?
00:31:18 She's probably just having
00:31:23 [Music winds down, stops]
00:31:28 [Moaning]
00:31:35 - [Creaking]
00:31:39 Trudi.
00:31:42 [Thudding footfalls]
00:31:46 - [Moaning continues]
00:31:52 - Trudi.
00:32:03 - [Moaning]
00:32:29 [Screams]
00:32:40 - [Growls]
00:32:42 [Gasps] Quickly!
00:32:48 - Trudi! We've got to get in there!
00:32:51 OK. Stand back.
00:32:57 Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
00:33:03 - I must have weakened it.
00:33:12 - Look.
00:33:17 [Woman] Come.
00:33:23 What was that?
00:33:25 I don't know, but let's go find out.
00:33:29 - Is she serious?
00:33:32 This is all getting a bit weird: Women
00:33:36 - It's more of a light spotting.
00:33:39 We heard her in here,
00:33:42 - That is very fucking weird.
00:33:46 - You like Trudi, don't you?
00:33:50 That's just weak, man.
00:33:53 For Christ's sake.
00:34:08 [Engine sputtering]
00:34:11 Oh, God! [yells]
00:34:14 For God's sake!
00:34:22 I only got it seen to last week.
00:34:25 Oh, my... Oh, come on!
00:34:28 Shit! [exclaiming]
00:34:40 [Jimmy] Hi. You're through to Jimmy.
00:34:44 [Exclaims] You are so dead, Jimmy!
00:34:48 [Woman whispering] Judy.
00:34:50 Judy. Judy.
00:34:55 Anke!
00:34:58 Heidi? Trudi?
00:35:05 - Anything?
00:35:10 Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
00:35:15 Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
00:35:19 - Told you there was no one out here.
00:35:22 Probably just gone for a walk
00:35:25 Let's head inside.
00:35:27 - Oh, shit!
00:35:32 [Woman whispering] Lotte.
00:35:34 - It's over there.
00:35:38 Look. I know something really wrong
00:35:41 but is there any chance
00:35:43 [Jimmy] Fletch! Come on!
00:35:54 [Woman breathing heavily continues]
00:36:11 [Moaning]
00:36:40 It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
00:36:44 - Vampires?
00:36:48 [Whispering] Lesbian vampires.
00:36:50 Nice one.
00:36:54 - [Roaring]
00:37:03 [Groans] Fucking hell, she's strong.
00:37:08 - Jimmy!
00:37:10 - Shit.
00:37:18 [Groaning]
00:37:21 - [Liquid sloshing]
00:37:24 [Grunting] She's not so strong now.
00:37:31 [Moaning]
00:37:50 Ah! Rank!
00:37:58 [Flatulence]
00:38:01 - [Liquid gurgling]
00:38:05 No explosion or...
00:38:08 ...turning into burning ash or...
00:38:14 Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
00:38:16 I'm just glad she's dead.
00:38:19 The legends... they're true.
00:38:23 This is madness.
00:38:24 - What's become of my friends?
00:38:27 Oh, crap.
00:38:30 - Join us.
00:38:34 Ja.
00:38:36 I think they want you to say something.
00:38:40 - Never.
00:38:44 Don't think they wanted you to say that.
00:38:45 Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
00:38:48 [Vampires snarling]
00:38:57 Come on, you silly fuckers!
00:39:01 - [Snarling]
00:39:02 Now you will join us.
00:39:08 Hmm.
00:39:10 - Get in.
00:39:17 Oh, my God! Did you see that?
00:39:19 That might be the coolest thing
00:39:23 I've always been good at cricket.
00:39:26 - Fletch, please shut up.
00:39:29 They'd have eaten us alive.
00:39:31 Where did they go?
00:39:34 [Woman] Before sunrise,
00:39:41 Shit, shit, shit, shit.
00:39:44 - We're going to die horribly.
00:39:48 - Calm down. Have a beer.
00:39:51 - Come up with a plan then, Einstein.
00:39:55 The van. Good plan. Great plan.
00:39:57 - Genius.
00:39:59 I don't even want to know.
00:40:01 - What are we going to do now?
00:40:06 Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
00:40:10 Arm ourselves with anything we can
00:40:14 Again, great idea. Like it.
00:40:16 Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore
00:40:20 - [Pounding]
00:40:25 - ¶ Saturday night, I feel...
00:40:28 [CD skipping]
00:40:31 - [Judy] Jimmy!
00:40:35 What? Don't open
00:40:40 - Judy, get in, quick.
00:40:44 - What the hell is going on?
00:40:46 - Something was chasing me.
00:40:50 - What?
00:40:54 - How ridiculous.
00:40:57 Just another of God's cruel tricks
00:41:00 Even dead women would sooner sleep
00:41:04 - But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.
00:41:08 Next time he'll have me bummed
00:41:11 Come on. We need to lie down.
00:41:19 - Who's that?
00:41:23 She keeps breaking up with him,
00:41:26 breaking up with him,
00:41:32 - I hate her.
00:41:34 Man, this pisses me off.
00:41:38 I've been saving myself
00:41:41 someone I can really have feelings for.
00:41:43 - I finally meet him, and...
00:41:47 Yes, I do.
00:41:50 I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
00:41:52 [Chuckles]
00:41:57 [Stuttering] You're a virgin?
00:42:01 - Um, yeah.
00:42:06 [Wind whistling]
00:42:24 Oh, for God's sake, girl.
00:42:28 Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
00:42:30 - Don't try me, girl.
00:42:50 Jimmy, I know you have
00:42:57 but I just want you to know
00:42:59 that I'm so happy
00:43:04 Well, I don't hate you.
00:43:07 I just don't know what
00:43:10 It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
00:43:14 I'm glad you realise that,
00:43:18 - you're gonna have to change.
00:43:21 But how... How do I know that?
00:43:24 How can I trust you? You're gonna
00:43:28 Oh, I'm different.
00:43:30 - [Snarls]
00:43:34 Give me one... last... kiss.
00:43:40 - [Shouts]
00:43:46 Huh?
00:43:50 - [Yells]
00:44:07 [Screaming]
00:44:17 [Wheezing]
00:44:24 - [Shouting]
00:44:48 Probably best you remember her
00:44:52 A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
00:45:01 Mate, thanks for saving my life.
00:45:03 Hey, you know me, fella.
00:45:07 I got your back.
00:45:12 - Right, got 'em.
00:45:14 - What do you think?
00:45:18 You know what they say
00:45:21 And this, as I keep pointing out, my
00:45:25 - Bit seedy, isn't it?
00:45:28 and frankly, I'm willing to take
00:45:32 Emotional vulnerability, fear of
00:45:35 - Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
00:45:39 How are you doing?
00:45:42 - What happened?
00:45:46 [clears throat] As I suspected,
00:45:50 - Judy was a vampire.
00:45:54 Fantastic.
00:46:09 - Um, I'm going for a piss.
00:46:12 Do I look like a twat?
00:46:23 - [Snarling]
00:46:29 Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:46:33 Oh, God! Oh, God!
00:46:35 Why aren't they coming in?
00:46:38 No, they have to be invited in.
00:46:41 Oh.
00:46:45 So all we have to do
00:46:50 I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,
00:46:52 "Hey, lesbian vampires,
00:47:02 Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
00:47:06 Still got it, fella.
00:47:10 Look, I was being ironic.
00:47:13 Guys?
00:47:17 [Hisses]
00:47:25 McLaren.
00:47:27 - She knows my name.
00:47:30 [Sniffs] She is pure.
00:47:39 - [Screams]
00:47:48 When in Rome...
00:47:56 [voices whispering]
00:47:58 - Get away from him.
00:48:02 [Zipper unzips]
00:48:09 - [Groaning]
00:48:20 [Screeches]
00:48:26 - Nice.
00:48:30 Quick! Quick!
00:48:33 - [Screams]
00:48:39 Our Father, who art in heaven,
00:48:43 Thy kingdom come,
00:48:45 Give us this day... Push her back!
00:48:50 Push her back!
00:48:52 - Oh, God!
00:48:57 And lead us not into temptation,
00:49:01 as we forgive those
00:49:04 - Fuck off!
00:49:07 Fucking hell! [shouting]
00:49:11 For Thine is the kingdom.
00:49:14 Oh, God, I love Jesus!
00:49:17 - And the glory forever.
00:49:22 - Forever and ever.
00:49:29 Amen.
00:49:31 [Shouting] What the fuck?
00:49:34 We need to go quickly.
00:49:37 - Ah, shite.
00:49:40 Hang on. How did you know
00:49:43 You and your friends
00:49:46 It's an age-old deal,
00:49:50 In return, they get to keep
00:49:53 So we were just a light buffet
00:49:57 To my shame, yes. Your friend's
00:50:02 It's divine intervention
00:50:05 - Balls!
00:50:08 - Five red scratches around here?
00:50:11 His bloodline is the key
00:50:14 of the purest evil known to mankind:
00:50:19 Eh?
00:50:21 Paradoxically, the only thing
00:50:24 from a centuries-old curse
00:50:26 on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
00:50:30 My daughter, Rebecca,
00:50:34 Right. Look,
00:50:37 And I love the vibe.
00:50:40 I've seen weird shit, and even under
00:50:45 Jimmy's not the Messiah.
00:50:49 I understand your confusion.
00:50:52 Whoa, whoa, whoa,
00:50:55 - Back to the village. No time to waste.
00:50:58 - I'm sorry?
00:51:01 I've nearly been eaten three times
00:51:05 Starting to become a bind.
00:51:07 But it's not too late to save your
00:51:11 Yeah, well, you know,
00:51:14 - I hope you get on all right.
00:51:18 - Are you allowed to swear?
00:51:21 You telling me you'd let eternal
00:51:26 and leave your friends to die?
00:51:29 Well, I only really know Jimmy.
00:51:32 OK. Stay here and die.
00:51:41 Oh...
00:51:47 What's with all the scratches?
00:51:49 The cruciform.
00:51:53 - It looks shit.
00:51:57 OK, scratch master.
00:52:01 The tomb of your friend's
00:52:35 Fletch!
00:52:45 [Voice echoing] Sisters,
00:52:49 a moment that has infested
00:52:54 for what seems like an eternity...
00:52:58 ...is finally upon us.
00:53:03 [Moans]
00:53:10 For this night,
00:53:13 the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,
00:53:18 and our queen shall rise again.
00:53:23 - Carmilla?
00:53:29 - [Grunts]
00:53:33 So his blood mixed with
00:53:37 You know a lot, pretty one.
00:53:39 I've heard of Carmilla,
00:53:43 Obviously you're not evil enough
00:53:46 [Gasps]
00:53:53 Well...
00:53:55 [sniffs]... soon she will know of you.
00:54:01 And with her resurrection,
00:54:07 in the dawn of the red moon.
00:54:16 [Mouthing]
00:54:17 McLaren, these are your
00:54:21 Oh. Mmm.
00:54:25 [Vampires moaning]
00:54:32 The final resting place
00:54:38 Jimmy's the reason
00:54:40 He is our salvation and our only hope.
00:54:43 The prophesy foretold of when the last
00:54:47 With his blood and that of a virgin,
00:54:50 Concealed within this tomb is the weapon
00:54:52 that can slay the beast forever:
00:54:55 - And what's that, then?
00:54:59 said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
00:55:03 A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
00:55:05 The only being brave enough
00:55:08 Carmilla's vilest depths,
00:55:11 Let me get this straight.
00:55:14 wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
00:55:18 thus rescuing my mate, curing
00:55:21 - and saving the planet.
00:55:24 Not really. I ain't got much
00:55:27 - [Bell tolls]
00:55:29 You do this.
00:55:32 What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
00:55:35 - Concealed within this tomb is...
00:55:42 This is officially
00:55:48 [Grunts]
00:56:09 - So there's a red moon, right?
00:56:13 She said the last McLaren will fall.
00:56:15 Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
00:56:18 Oh. Well...
00:56:21 - That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.
00:56:25 What can you be thinking about
00:56:28 - How we are going to escape.
00:56:31 - No, have you?
00:56:33 Come on, think!
00:56:35 I'm too busy shitting myself
00:56:44 - [Branches creaking]
00:56:52 - You're cute.
00:56:56 It's our first argument.
00:57:04 Vic, we're doomed.
00:57:07 Move.
00:57:12 [Hissing, groaning]
00:57:14 In my defence,
00:57:20 [groaning]
00:57:31 - You go down there, my boy.
00:57:33 - There's no time to waste. Hurry up.
00:57:40 Oh, my... Unbelievable.
00:57:47 - Can you see the sword?
00:57:52 It's my first time
00:58:04 [Laughing]
00:58:06 What? What is it?
00:58:07 It's nothing.
00:58:10 [Laughing]
00:58:14 - What's so funny in there?
00:58:23 It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
00:58:26 Grow up! The handle draws on
00:58:30 rendering this blade alone capable
00:58:36 - What? How?
00:58:41 We're gonna go there,
00:58:45 All because you insist some sword,
00:58:47 with a metal cock on the end,
00:58:50 - You're a disgrace.
00:58:53 Let's get on with the job. I'll load up
00:59:02 [Fletch] Will you just admit
00:59:06 - [Grunting, straining]
00:59:11 - Have you come up with a plan?
00:59:14 I think we're running out of time.
00:59:18 I just wanted to say that had we met
00:59:22 I would've liked to have gotten
00:59:24 - Really?
00:59:26 In fact, even though we've just spent
00:59:30 I feel like I've known you forever.
00:59:36 - Really?
00:59:39 I thought you might have
00:59:43 Signals? What signals?
00:59:47 Jimmy, I love you.
00:59:55 - Well, that's just fucking great.
00:59:58 - On the brink of death, you say that?
01:00:03 you're the first man I could
01:00:06 - Oh, for Christ's sake.
01:00:09 My mind, soul and body.
01:00:12 - And body. Hmm.
01:00:23 - It is time. [hisses]
01:00:30 - That's my penis.
01:00:40 [Exhaling heavily]
01:00:44 Wow.
01:00:52 What? What did you just say?
01:00:56 You called me a what?
01:00:59 [Exclaiming]
01:01:06 No one messes with the Fletchmeister
01:01:12 Oh, hello.
01:01:18 Star Wars is not, uh...
01:01:22 What are you doing out?
01:01:25 I know.
01:01:28 - So, it's your birthday?
01:01:33 It's just gone midnight.
01:01:36 All... grown... up.
01:01:43 - So you're 18?
01:01:46 - But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.
01:01:49 - [Snarls, gasps]
01:01:53 [Gasping]
01:01:58 Daddy!
01:02:18 [Vicar] Fletch!
01:02:27 - Ready?
01:02:31 We have little time.
01:02:35 Yep.
01:02:40 [All moaning, hissing]
01:02:58 You have his eyes.
01:03:01 I used to love those eyes.
01:03:04 Until I learned how pathetic men are.
01:03:07 - [Gasps]
01:03:15 Mmm! Exquisite.
01:03:20 I will bleed you slowly and
01:03:24 while it is still warm in your veins.
01:03:39 - [¶ Amazing Grace plays]
01:03:44 Look, the moon bleeds.
01:03:49 Here. Holy water.
01:03:52 It's like a fucking
01:03:55 - You said "fucking" again.
01:03:57 - It's weird.
01:03:58 There's no need to panic, my friend.
01:04:02 I'm well-versed in the knowledge
01:04:05 Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,
01:04:10 There's not a fucker alive
01:04:13 - Really?
01:04:15 It's in books, films, telly.
01:04:24 Were you expecting many
01:04:30 Water bomb fight.
01:04:32 So where's this resurrection
01:04:35 In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
01:04:39 [Fletch] I knew you were gonna say that.
01:04:42 Never going to be somewhere
01:04:45 like the garden or scullery?
01:04:47 - "Scullery" is quite scary.
01:04:49 "Scullery" has got
01:04:51 As opposed to the crypt, which has
01:04:57 Remember this: They can die fast
01:05:00 but they have to die.
01:05:02 - Can't we do this in the morning?
01:05:06 - It will be too late for Rebecca.
01:05:09 Well, this is it.
01:05:11 Good luck, Fletch.
01:05:15 Vic...
01:05:19 If I don't make it out of this,
01:05:22 there's one thing I want you to know:
01:05:25 I blame you entirely.
01:06:25 So this is how your bloodline ends:
01:06:29 Crying like a baby.
01:06:31 Begging for your life. [laughs]
01:06:35 - Please...
01:06:38 - Don't give her the satisfaction.
01:06:41 You'll give me my satisfaction.
01:06:45 Lotte, just so you know,
01:06:48 I found you really attractive,
01:06:51 - You did?
01:06:55 [Vampires groaning]
01:07:00 - We have an escape plan.
01:07:03 Fletch will save us.
01:07:04 Fletch? He's fucking useless.
01:07:07 - Hey! You cheeky prick.
01:07:11 - [All snarling]
01:07:13 if I could've avoided being here,
01:07:19 [All gasping]
01:07:23 Oh, damn.
01:07:26 - I told you he was fucking useless.
01:07:30 - Damn, damn!
01:07:34 - First time.
01:07:38 You clam-lappers fancy
01:07:43 - Come on, then.
01:07:46 - [All snarling]
01:08:07 Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
01:08:10 Your friend's blood
01:08:13 - The resurrection has begun.
01:08:16 We can't. Darkness is upon us.
01:08:19 I reckon I can
01:08:22 ...and the entire fucking world!
01:08:24 You know how to put a guilt trip on,
01:08:28 Right. [strains] Let's do this.
01:08:38 - It'll be OK.
01:08:43 All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
01:08:45 Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
01:08:48 But no. Nothing's as simple
01:08:50 And now we're gonna end up dead.
01:08:53 Well, I'm gonna end up dead.
01:08:57 And I've not even made love to a man.
01:08:59 Oh!
01:09:09 The crypt is through here.
01:09:13 - Fletch!
01:09:17 - Fletch!
01:09:20 - Spiritus sancti.
01:09:24 - [Lotte] Jimmy?
01:09:29 - Fletch?
01:09:31 Up and down.
01:09:33 [Growling]
01:09:37 - There's only one solution now.
01:09:40 - What?
01:09:43 - Hand me the sword of Daeldo.
01:09:46 I thought you had it.
01:09:48 You're going on about
01:09:50 All we've got to do is wait
01:09:53 - and you forgot the sword?
01:09:56 - Tell Rebecca I love her.
01:09:59 - Run, you fool!
01:10:31 Jesus!
01:11:49 - Whores of fucking Hades.
01:11:53 [All snarling]
01:11:57 Prepare for fucking death! [shouts]
01:12:11 [Fletch] Come on, you silly fuckers!
01:12:16 - [Fletch] Lotte!
01:12:20 [Shouts]
01:12:28 Mmm! You are a feisty one.
01:12:33 I like it. Aah!
01:12:44 - It won't budge.
01:12:47 It's not gonna work.
01:12:52 - What is it with you and doors?
01:12:57 [Grunts, struggling]
01:13:01 Mmm! You taste divine.
01:13:08 - Keys.
01:13:10 - What?
01:13:12 - Yeah, no worries.
01:13:14 - Of course I don't, you idiot.
01:13:25 First I'm going to torture you,
01:13:29 - You'll be my plaything.
01:13:32 That's it, then.
01:13:34 The problem with you, James,
01:13:37 You might want to grab weapons.
01:13:43 [Screaming]
01:13:50 Come on!
01:14:00 - That sword's got a cock for a handle.
01:14:03 It's the only thing that'll
01:14:07 It's very powerful and very ancient.
01:14:09 - Sort of gay.
01:14:12 [Whispering voices]
01:14:20 [Heart beating]
01:14:35 I knew you would not resist me forever.
01:14:48 [Cries out]
01:14:57 Sorry, you're not my type.
01:15:21 - Whoo-hoo!
01:16:06 - Bollocks.
01:16:22 - [Straining]
01:16:31 - [Growling]
01:17:07 McLaren.
01:17:18 - Jimmy!
01:17:43 Un-fucking-believable!
01:17:47 [Gasping]
01:18:00 [Beating]
01:18:08 [Screaming]
01:18:26 [Cock crows]
01:18:41 Is somebody taking the piss?
01:18:44 The sword of Daeldo
01:18:49 Looks like the vic was right.
01:18:51 Everyone seems to know what's
01:18:54 It's all cock swords and scary stuff
01:18:58 - I'll tell you later.
01:19:00 - I will.
01:19:01 Mate, do you want to calm down?
01:19:04 I've had a bit of a busy night.
01:19:07 - Whoa.
01:19:10 - [Women groaning]
01:19:14 - So they're not vampires anymore?
01:19:18 Cool. Are they still lesbians?
01:19:21 For fuck's sake.
01:19:27 Uh...
01:19:37 Unbelievable.
01:19:40 Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
01:19:43 Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
01:19:45 Let it go, Fletch.
01:19:50 [Engine grinds, starts]
01:19:54 Whoa! That's some mighty fine
01:19:59 Thanks. Right. Now what?
01:20:01 Don't know. Go home?
01:20:04 Go home? They've taken my friends,
01:20:08 and we never even dreamed
01:20:11 How can we just go home to our beds?
01:20:15 - What's she talking about?
01:20:17 This village is free,
01:20:19 but more creatures like Carmilla lurk
01:20:23 No one would believe us if we tell.
01:20:25 We are the only people
01:20:28 We must go out there
01:20:30 Are you suggesting we become
01:20:35 If that's what it takes, ja.
01:20:40 Well, I ain't got anything else on
01:20:45 - Jim?
01:20:47 Oh, come on. It's in your blood,
01:20:50 - Huh?
01:20:52 - Come on. You might as well.
01:20:56 Lesbian vampire killers, it is.
01:20:59 - [Laughing]
01:21:02 [Laughing, cheering continues]
01:21:18 [Howling]