|
An American Carol Big Fat Important Movie
|
| 00:00:30 |
[Man] 1, 2, 3... |
| 00:00:33 |
[¶ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama] |
| 00:00:43 |
[Children laughing and shouting] |
| 00:00:50 |
[Kids] Hi, Grandpa! |
| 00:00:53 |
Hey! |
| 00:00:58 |
- Ahh! |
| 00:01:01 |
Oh! |
| 00:01:04 |
- Hey, hey, hey! |
| 00:01:06 |
Everybody now, happy Fourth of July! |
| 00:01:09 |
Thanks, Grandpa! |
| 00:01:10 |
That's it, go ahead, kids. |
| 00:01:12 |
Dig in. I made 'em myself. |
| 00:01:14 |
- Bleh! |
| 00:01:16 |
[Grandpa] Pretty good. |
| 00:01:19 |
Uh, I'm not really hungry right now. |
| 00:01:21 |
Why don't you tell us a story? |
| 00:01:23 |
- Yeah! One of your great stories! |
| 00:01:26 |
All right, how about the one |
| 00:01:29 |
- The, uh... the story of Scrooge. |
| 00:01:32 |
- The guy who hated Christmas? |
| 00:01:35 |
Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge |
| 00:01:39 |
Why does he hate the Fourth of July? |
| 00:01:41 |
Well, uh, the story begins |
| 00:01:45 |
far away in Afghanistan. |
| 00:01:51 |
[Arabic music playing] |
| 00:01:57 |
- Mohammed? |
| 00:02:00 |
Quiet! Calm down! |
| 00:02:02 |
- They're all named Mohammed, sir. |
| 00:02:05 |
I must remember to use last names. |
| 00:02:07 |
- Hussein! |
| 00:02:11 |
For God's sake, you! |
| 00:02:18 |
- [Aziz] Is that your brother? |
| 00:02:20 |
Why is he voting? |
| 00:02:22 |
It's not his fault. |
| 00:02:24 |
- What? For who? |
| 00:02:27 |
- [All] Yes, sir! |
| 00:02:30 |
All right, everyone. |
| 00:02:33 |
Well, who's going to be the first? |
| 00:02:36 |
I am. |
| 00:02:38 |
Ah, very good. Very good. |
| 00:02:41 |
- Mu... |
| 00:02:43 |
- Allahu Akbar. |
| 00:02:47 |
Messenger duty. |
| 00:02:50 |
But, sir, this bicycle... |
| 00:02:53 |
- What's wrong? |
| 00:02:55 |
I don't know if it can |
| 00:02:57 |
I wouldn't worry about that. |
| 00:03:00 |
- Maybe if I take some bombs off... |
| 00:03:02 |
- It is a part of the uniform. |
| 00:03:06 |
[Brake handles squeaking] |
| 00:03:07 |
And it doesn't seem |
| 00:03:10 |
It's OK. |
| 00:03:13 |
Of course. |
| 00:03:21 |
Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me. |
| 00:03:24 |
Aah! |
| 00:03:27 |
Aah! |
| 00:03:31 |
Oh! |
| 00:03:34 |
Jesus! |
| 00:03:35 |
You! Go get him. |
| 00:03:40 |
- [Moaning] |
| 00:03:44 |
This idiot forgot to pull the firing... |
| 00:03:52 |
[Ahmed] Don't you see? |
| 00:03:54 |
We have at least destroyed |
| 00:03:57 |
That was my car. |
| 00:04:11 |
[Aziz] What's going on here? |
| 00:04:13 |
Huh? What are you people doing? |
| 00:04:15 |
Why are you voting |
| 00:04:17 |
Because we want democracy, |
| 00:04:19 |
freedom, elect a president |
| 00:04:22 |
Enough! Mohammed, take care of him! |
| 00:04:25 |
Mohammed, what in the name |
| 00:04:27 |
I'm not voting for president. But I feel |
| 00:04:32 |
A marriage should be |
| 00:04:36 |
Or between a man |
| 00:04:38 |
- Shut up. |
| 00:04:42 |
That and immigration. |
| 00:04:45 |
so that the Mexicans can do the job |
| 00:04:48 |
[Mariachi music blaring on radio] |
| 00:04:56 |
These Western ideas are dangerous. |
| 00:04:58 |
We must resist them at every turn. |
| 00:05:00 |
Leader, we're not strong anymore. |
| 00:05:03 |
Since the Americans came, |
| 00:05:05 |
- They are voting, woman own businesses. |
| 00:05:09 |
to find suicide bombers, |
| 00:05:12 |
Sir, I think we might need |
| 00:05:16 |
Look, ours... |
| 00:05:18 |
it looks, you know, cheap. |
| 00:05:23 |
[Announcer] This video will teach you. |
| 00:05:25 |
Here are Ahmed and Ahman. |
| 00:05:27 |
They may be brothers, |
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Ahmed knows punctuality is important. |
| 00:05:33 |
He's sure to leave plenty of time |
| 00:05:36 |
[Ahmed screaming, indistinct] |
| 00:05:40 |
[Announcer] Ahman leaves |
| 00:05:43 |
[Ahman] Oh, shit! |
| 00:05:45 |
[Announcer] Ahmed double checks |
| 00:05:48 |
so there are no mistakes. |
| 00:05:49 |
Ahman doesn't. |
| 00:05:51 |
2518, 2519... |
| 00:05:53 |
Shit! |
| 00:05:55 |
[Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly, |
| 00:05:57 |
wearing clothing that is loose enough |
| 00:06:00 |
Ahman dresses inappropriately. |
| 00:06:04 |
Oh. You are right. |
| 00:06:08 |
If I may suggest, sir, |
| 00:06:10 |
what we need is |
| 00:06:14 |
But he must hate America. |
| 00:06:18 |
This won't be hard to find in |
| 00:06:21 |
Yes, but your average, girly-man |
| 00:06:25 |
What we need is someone |
| 00:06:32 |
[Man] Is the camera on? |
| 00:06:36 |
I am on the island |
| 00:06:38 |
where there's a hospital |
| 00:06:40 |
As we can see, Cubans have the very best |
| 00:06:43 |
Not like America, |
| 00:06:45 |
I've got two Americans here, |
| 00:06:48 |
injured during Hurricane Katrina, |
| 00:06:51 |
But haven't been able |
| 00:06:54 |
to pay a house call to their |
| 00:06:57 |
- [Man] Another mojito! |
| 00:07:00 |
on military buildup |
| 00:07:03 |
Doctor, we just want the same care |
| 00:07:07 |
OK, then get in line. |
| 00:07:09 |
Oh, oh! Comrades! |
| 00:07:10 |
- [Man] End of the line, gringo! |
| 00:07:13 |
Cuba is famous for its |
| 00:07:15 |
What do you have for me? |
| 00:07:17 |
- Take these. |
| 00:07:18 |
These are breath mints. |
| 00:07:20 |
- Sí, señor. Take two. |
| 00:07:23 |
OK, pal, there ya go. |
| 00:07:25 |
Free. That'll make you feel better. |
| 00:07:27 |
- There you go. |
| 00:07:29 |
Free. You know, in America, |
| 00:07:32 |
- Aw, jeez. Dude. |
| 00:07:35 |
That's OK, Paco, you'll be |
| 00:07:38 |
- Cuba. More... |
| 00:07:39 |
- than the jewel... |
| 00:07:40 |
- of the Caribbean. |
| 00:07:42 |
- A country that cares for its citizens. |
| 00:07:45 |
God! This is paradise! |
| 00:07:47 |
I gotta get back, but I can be |
| 00:07:50 |
are in good hands |
| 00:07:53 |
[Malone on bullhorn] |
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and say goodbye |
| 00:07:59 |
And it's off to America. |
| 00:08:01 |
[Woman] America! |
| 00:08:02 |
[Man] He's going to America! |
| 00:08:03 |
[Man 2] He said America! |
| 00:08:05 |
[People shouting] |
| 00:08:06 |
- Take me! |
| 00:08:09 |
I do want to say... |
| 00:08:11 |
Whoa! Get out! Get out! |
| 00:08:14 |
[Screaming] |
| 00:08:16 |
[Malone] So many people wanted |
| 00:08:20 |
These people know how bad |
| 00:08:23 |
Well, I guess they wanted me to spread |
| 00:08:28 |
- [Screaming] |
| 00:08:31 |
Yeah! |
| 00:08:32 |
[Grandpa] He thought |
| 00:08:35 |
- [girl] Did they? |
| 00:08:36 |
Nobody loves documentaries. |
| 00:08:39 |
[Yawning] |
| 00:08:42 |
[Malone] Thank you! Thank you! |
| 00:08:43 |
Thank you! |
| 00:08:44 |
Thank you for that |
| 00:08:48 |
But as important as this movie is, |
| 00:08:50 |
even more important is |
| 00:08:54 |
the world has ever known. |
| 00:08:56 |
This Sunday, |
| 00:08:59 |
[Cheering] |
| 00:09:00 |
[Girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July? |
| 00:09:02 |
[Boy] It was America's birthday |
| 00:09:06 |
[Kids] Grandpa, get back to the story! |
| 00:09:08 |
We're sending packages to soldiers |
| 00:09:11 |
They're far from their home, |
| 00:09:14 |
They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you |
| 00:09:20 |
Oh, ho, now, this is more like it! |
| 00:09:23 |
I'll take three chocolate mints, |
| 00:09:28 |
Oh, merit badges. |
| 00:09:30 |
Oh. Well, this is for making |
| 00:09:33 |
This one's for camping, |
| 00:09:37 |
Oh! |
| 00:09:38 |
For being respectful |
| 00:09:40 |
traitorous sack of shit. |
| 00:09:44 |
[Girl] Grandpa! |
| 00:09:45 |
- Grandpa! |
| 00:09:47 |
Oh, what? I didn't say that. |
| 00:09:48 |
I said, uh... |
| 00:09:49 |
Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor. |
| 00:09:52 |
- You did say that. |
| 00:09:54 |
[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back. |
| 00:09:56 |
We are on a roll, people. |
| 00:10:00 |
- Most important since Nixon. |
| 00:10:03 |
Total dork president |
| 00:10:06 |
All the most important |
| 00:10:08 |
will be represented. Jane? |
| 00:10:10 |
So far, People |
| 00:10:13 |
Vegans Against Fur, |
| 00:10:17 |
Potawamie Casino, |
| 00:10:20 |
- and, um... |
| 00:10:22 |
And... it's still early. |
| 00:10:25 |
The rally's Sunday! |
| 00:10:26 |
Don't worry, we'll get more. |
| 00:10:28 |
We're not shaving till |
| 00:10:30 |
- Thank you, boys. |
| 00:10:36 |
[Malone] Right. |
| 00:10:37 |
Like all of us. |
| 00:10:38 |
We have to ban military recruiters |
| 00:10:43 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:10:45 |
Oh. Are you here to join |
| 00:10:48 |
No, uh, I think all sailors |
| 00:10:51 |
but sometimes we have to fight. |
| 00:10:52 |
Soldiers Against Guns? |
| 00:10:54 |
No. Those guns come in handy |
| 00:10:57 |
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade? |
| 00:10:59 |
No, uh, please. |
| 00:11:02 |
I'm just here looking for my uncle. |
| 00:11:05 |
- Uncle Michael, hey. |
| 00:11:12 |
Hey. This is my... nephew. |
| 00:11:15 |
Josh. He's, uh... |
| 00:11:19 |
What are you doin' here? |
| 00:11:21 |
I came here to invite you |
| 00:11:24 |
like I do every year. |
| 00:11:25 |
Well, that's very nice of you... again, |
| 00:11:29 |
"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding? |
| 00:11:32 |
This is no joke. |
| 00:11:35 |
that's caused oppression and terror |
| 00:11:39 |
Is that how he felt? |
| 00:11:40 |
He was a war hero. |
| 00:11:42 |
He would've come around. |
| 00:11:45 |
this Sunday, he'd be |
| 00:11:48 |
Uncle Michael, I realize |
| 00:11:51 |
- but Lily and I just... |
| 00:11:54 |
We won't be going too late. |
| 00:11:57 |
A lot of our guests are going |
| 00:12:01 |
- Who's Trace Adkins? |
| 00:12:04 |
He's a big country music star. |
| 00:12:06 |
Maybe not in New York, |
| 00:12:09 |
Country music doesn't speak to me. |
| 00:12:11 |
Not just because the music's awful |
| 00:12:14 |
or everybody dresses like that cowboy |
| 00:12:18 |
- How's little Billy? |
| 00:12:21 |
Not very well, I'm afraid, |
| 00:12:24 |
- He'd love to see you. |
| 00:12:27 |
It'll probably be too late. |
| 00:12:30 |
- Oh, little Jimmy. |
| 00:12:33 |
No. He'll probably |
| 00:12:37 |
I'm shipping out to |
| 00:12:40 |
Well, can't you get out of it? |
| 00:12:42 |
I want to go. It's my duty. |
| 00:12:45 |
I don't get it. |
| 00:12:48 |
Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here |
| 00:12:54 |
Well, I guess I got some work to do. |
| 00:12:56 |
Well, you're invited |
| 00:12:59 |
Right. Sure. |
| 00:13:01 |
Uncle Michael, I came |
| 00:13:03 |
and I don't want to let |
| 00:13:05 |
Happy Fourth of July, everyone, |
| 00:13:09 |
[Josh] ¶ My country, |
| 00:13:12 |
¶ Sweet land of... |
| 00:13:13 |
¶ Liberty |
| 00:13:15 |
¶ Lighted up by the rockets |
| 00:13:18 |
- [kids shouting] |
| 00:13:21 |
I've never left it. |
| 00:13:24 |
[Jazz music playing] |
| 00:13:34 |
I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight. |
| 00:13:36 |
Oh, yes. |
| 00:13:38 |
I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen |
| 00:13:41 |
Look, don't you know who I am? |
| 00:13:43 |
I'm Michael Malone. |
| 00:13:44 |
Well, then perhaps a shower as well. |
| 00:13:50 |
What the hell? I didn't make |
| 00:13:53 |
Apparently, the people who like |
| 00:13:57 |
No one wants to see Americans |
| 00:14:00 |
I haven't done porn in years! |
| 00:14:02 |
- [Music stops] |
| 00:14:05 |
- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director. |
| 00:14:11 |
I know that. |
| 00:14:12 |
I gotta do a feature like John Ford. |
| 00:14:15 |
That man was a true filmmaker. |
| 00:14:18 |
The sweeping vision, the amazing |
| 00:14:22 |
And soldiers were good guys. |
| 00:14:23 |
But you're leading |
| 00:14:27 |
Oh, right, on the Fourth of July. |
| 00:14:29 |
- It's not against the troops. |
| 00:14:32 |
Look, Mikey, |
| 00:14:36 |
this is a fickle town. |
| 00:14:39 |
See the maitre d' over there, huh? |
| 00:14:41 |
Used to be recurring on Seinfeld. |
| 00:14:44 |
Hey, call me. [laughs] |
| 00:14:47 |
Now, what is this feature |
| 00:14:49 |
It's a powerful drama about oppressed |
| 00:14:53 |
Hmm! |
| 00:14:54 |
It's anti-everything-America-stands-for |
| 00:14:59 |
Hmm... |
| 00:15:01 |
Fascist America? |
| 00:15:04 |
Wow. [sniffs] |
| 00:15:06 |
No. |
| 00:15:08 |
[Orchestra playing] |
| 00:15:11 |
[Announcer] And now, |
| 00:15:15 |
it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards, |
| 00:15:17 |
hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. |
| 00:15:20 |
And now, here are your hosts, |
| 00:15:22 |
Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. |
| 00:15:24 |
We are gathered here tonight |
| 00:15:28 |
Redistribution of wealth, |
| 00:15:32 |
and, of course, ending world hunger. |
| 00:15:34 |
- [Applause] |
| 00:15:38 |
It's our pleasure to present |
| 00:15:42 |
in documentary film, |
| 00:15:44 |
[Applause, music] |
| 00:15:46 |
[Rex] As Germany's most famous |
| 00:15:49 |
Leni Riefenstahl |
| 00:15:52 |
of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, |
| 00:15:54 |
becoming a tireless promoter |
| 00:15:57 |
Her pioneering use |
| 00:16:00 |
to capture the scope |
| 00:16:03 |
paved the way for |
| 00:16:06 |
Through the creative |
| 00:16:08 |
she was able to influence history, |
| 00:16:13 |
[Hilton] Although resulting |
| 00:16:17 |
her place in any cinematic |
| 00:16:20 |
And this year's award |
| 00:16:24 |
Michael Malone for |
| 00:16:28 |
[Announcer] This is Michael Malone's |
| 00:16:32 |
He previously won for his documentaries |
| 00:16:36 |
- and America Sucks A Big One. |
| 00:16:39 |
Hey. I try to tell the truth |
| 00:16:43 |
- [orchestra playing] |
| 00:16:45 |
Oh. Ha. |
| 00:16:46 |
Oh. What is that? |
| 00:16:50 |
Ooh! Ooh! |
| 00:16:56 |
Get my good side. |
| 00:16:58 |
That concludes the non-televised |
| 00:17:01 |
- [Drum roll] |
| 00:17:02 |
And now the highlight of the evening: |
| 00:17:04 |
Best Feature Film Director. |
| 00:17:07 |
And the award goes to... |
| 00:17:10 |
[both] George Mulrooney! |
| 00:17:11 |
For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad. |
| 00:17:14 |
[Announcer] The heroic story |
| 00:17:16 |
Edward R. Murrow, who half a century |
| 00:17:20 |
who accused people |
| 00:17:23 |
This is Mulrooney's |
| 00:17:25 |
to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys, |
| 00:17:29 |
Thank you. I... I dedicate this award |
| 00:17:32 |
to all the courageous filmmakers |
| 00:17:34 |
who take on tough issues |
| 00:17:36 |
like McCarthyism, |
| 00:17:39 |
or like slavery or Nazism, |
| 00:17:42 |
But you know, evil exists today. |
| 00:17:46 |
[Laughing] But like I'm gonna |
| 00:17:49 |
Like I want to get beheaded. [choking] |
| 00:17:52 |
- [Orchestra playing] |
| 00:17:56 |
- Thank you! |
| 00:17:58 |
Aah! |
| 00:18:01 |
Ooh! Mom? |
| 00:18:16 |
Huh! |
| 00:18:19 |
Oh! [chuckling] |
| 00:18:22 |
Wow. Mulrooney's so hot. |
| 00:18:26 |
Huh? Huh? |
| 00:18:28 |
Excuse us, Director Michael Malone. |
| 00:18:30 |
I am Ahmed, and this is |
| 00:18:32 |
Nice to meet you. |
| 00:18:34 |
Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie |
| 00:18:38 |
Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea, |
| 00:18:42 |
How big of a budget would you need? |
| 00:18:45 |
A feature? 10 million minimum. |
| 00:18:47 |
Call me when you sold enough falafel. |
| 00:18:52 |
Ahmed, Mohammed. |
| 00:18:55 |
[Both] Who are you? |
| 00:18:56 |
It's me. |
| 00:19:00 |
- Aziz! |
| 00:19:03 |
- What are you doing here? |
| 00:19:06 |
- But the movie. |
| 00:19:08 |
This will be the most spectacular attack |
| 00:19:12 |
But we need to find someone important |
| 00:19:15 |
[Malone] I'm directing |
| 00:19:18 |
- Someone like that. |
| 00:19:20 |
Yes. What will it take |
| 00:19:22 |
[Both] $10 million. |
| 00:19:24 |
Well, the opium crop |
| 00:19:27 |
Money will be no problem. |
| 00:19:29 |
Allahu Akbar. |
| 00:19:32 |
So I said to Spielberg, |
| 00:19:34 |
Ooh, crab cakes. |
| 00:19:36 |
Say, want to go to Clint's |
| 00:19:38 |
Director Akbar! |
| 00:19:39 |
- We have glorious news for you... |
| 00:19:43 |
We have 10 million. |
| 00:19:44 |
Must have been a good opium |
| 00:19:47 |
- 10 million U.S. Dollars, cash. |
| 00:19:51 |
- Good! So you'll do it. |
| 00:19:54 |
Have your people contact my people. |
| 00:19:58 |
I bet she would look great in a burka. |
| 00:20:02 |
[Entertainment Tonight |
| 00:20:04 |
[Humming along] |
| 00:20:08 |
[Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight |
| 00:20:10 |
takes you behind the scenes |
| 00:20:14 |
We're going to find out |
| 00:20:17 |
the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get |
| 00:20:19 |
a new movie off the ground, |
| 00:20:22 |
After the news that |
| 00:20:25 |
- What?! |
| 00:20:28 |
This past Tuesday, |
| 00:20:31 |
Clyde the orangutan... |
| 00:20:33 |
[Seinfeld-like music playing] |
| 00:20:33 |
[Seinfeld-like music playing] |
| 00:20:37 |
- Are you sure you have $10 million? |
| 00:20:40 |
Then why'd you come to me? |
| 00:20:41 |
We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah! |
| 00:20:45 |
Sorry. My friend is not detonating |
| 00:20:48 |
He meant, your movies |
| 00:20:51 |
It's OK. They're documentaries. |
| 00:20:54 |
Look, I love America. |
| 00:20:56 |
That's why it needs to be destroyed, |
| 00:20:59 |
Right. Well, anyway, |
| 00:21:02 |
No matter how many people we kill, |
| 00:21:04 |
we cannot get rid of the Americans. |
| 00:21:06 |
We need a movie that shows |
| 00:21:08 |
Even though we're not. Aah! |
| 00:21:09 |
Director Akbar, we already have an idea. |
| 00:21:12 |
It's a traditional Taliban love story. |
| 00:21:14 |
Boy meets girl, boy falls in love |
| 00:21:18 |
What? |
| 00:21:19 |
Happy ending. He preserves his honor. |
| 00:21:22 |
Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie |
| 00:21:25 |
who cut people's heads off. |
| 00:21:27 |
I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script. |
| 00:21:30 |
Dramatic story about |
| 00:21:33 |
took on the system |
| 00:21:35 |
Like Hannah Montana. Wait! |
| 00:21:38 |
- Thank you. Oh! |
| 00:21:42 |
You gonna finish that? |
| 00:21:44 |
Wait. He's going to work |
| 00:21:47 |
- It's looking that way, isn't it? |
| 00:21:50 |
[Girl] No, silly. |
| 00:21:55 |
[Announcer]... first-place tie. |
| 00:21:57 |
[Changing channels] |
| 00:21:58 |
[Announcer] John F. Kennedy, |
| 00:22:02 |
cut down by an assassin's bullet. |
| 00:22:05 |
The tears were not only for a president, |
| 00:22:09 |
the causes he held dear. |
| 00:22:11 |
[Kennedy] Let us never |
| 00:22:15 |
- but let us never fear to negotiate. |
| 00:22:20 |
If only you were president now. |
| 00:22:24 |
Wait. |
| 00:22:30 |
If I were president, what? |
| 00:22:33 |
[Malone gasping] |
| 00:22:35 |
You said that I was a hero, |
| 00:22:42 |
[Malone] You can't be here! |
| 00:22:43 |
You're dead! |
| 00:22:45 |
- You must redeem yourself. |
| 00:22:49 |
This is the greatest country |
| 00:22:52 |
and you have slandered it |
| 00:22:54 |
I was tryin' to be like you. |
| 00:22:57 |
- Who told you that? |
| 00:23:00 |
Oh, brother! Did you |
| 00:23:03 |
Of course! "Ask not what |
| 00:23:07 |
Ask what..." Aah! |
| 00:23:09 |
Not that part. |
| 00:23:12 |
- There was a war part? |
| 00:23:19 |
Let every nation know, |
| 00:23:20 |
whether they wish us well or ill, |
| 00:23:23 |
that we shall pay any price, |
| 00:23:25 |
bear any burden... |
| 00:23:27 |
[tapping screen] |
| 00:23:28 |
Meet any hardship, support any friend, |
| 00:23:32 |
oppose any foe, to assure the survival |
| 00:23:37 |
and the success of liberty. |
| 00:23:39 |
Uh, thanks, folks. |
| 00:23:41 |
Oh! |
| 00:23:45 |
What do you think that meant? |
| 00:23:48 |
You sound like Reagan. |
| 00:23:49 |
Thank you. |
| 00:23:52 |
OK, look, you will be |
| 00:23:56 |
Listen to them. |
| 00:23:57 |
Learn from them. |
| 00:23:58 |
Oh, yeah. |
| 00:23:59 |
The spirits are gonna come scare me, |
| 00:24:05 |
What a douchebag. |
| 00:24:09 |
Hey, wait! |
| 00:24:10 |
Hey, when are these spirits |
| 00:24:19 |
[Alarm clock beeping] |
| 00:24:24 |
Oh! |
| 00:24:27 |
What a nightmare. |
| 00:24:30 |
I'm gonna be late! |
| 00:24:33 |
Ooh! |
| 00:24:34 |
[Grandpa] He rushed |
| 00:24:37 |
to lead a demonstration |
| 00:24:39 |
- [girl] What's a demonstration? |
| 00:24:42 |
it's when students show how much they |
| 00:24:46 |
[Protesters chanting] |
| 00:24:50 |
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! |
| 00:24:53 |
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! |
| 00:24:55 |
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! |
| 00:24:57 |
Peace, yes, recruiters, no! |
| 00:24:58 |
[Malone] There is nothing more important |
| 00:25:01 |
No more wars! No more wars! |
| 00:25:04 |
Because instead of fighting, |
| 00:25:08 |
Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight! |
| 00:25:10 |
Right! Right! Don't believe |
| 00:25:14 |
Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies! |
| 00:25:17 |
Good... good. |
| 00:25:20 |
There is no terrorist threat! |
| 00:25:24 |
The government just wants! |
| 00:25:27 |
That doesn't make any sense. |
| 00:25:31 |
[Chanting stops] |
| 00:25:32 |
The government is exaggerating |
| 00:25:35 |
for its own nefarious purposes! |
| 00:25:37 |
What does nefarious mean? |
| 00:25:40 |
Well, you know, it means... |
| 00:25:44 |
Can we just stop chanting, please? |
| 00:25:47 |
- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't... |
| 00:25:50 |
Just shut up for a second! |
| 00:25:52 |
OK, uh... can we just try |
| 00:25:57 |
without the chanting? |
| 00:25:58 |
OK, we have to stop... |
| 00:26:01 |
Hey! Free history term papers! |
| 00:26:03 |
- [Shouting] |
| 00:26:05 |
Oh! |
| 00:26:10 |
Ooh! |
| 00:26:15 |
Ooh, thanks a lot. |
| 00:26:17 |
That got a little wild. |
| 00:26:20 |
Hey, who are you? |
| 00:26:24 |
Aah! Hey! |
| 00:26:26 |
That's "Hey, sir", maggot. |
| 00:26:31 |
That explains the slapping. |
| 00:26:33 |
You're General George Patton, |
| 00:26:36 |
No. From the United States Army, |
| 00:26:42 |
Oh, my God, JFK. |
| 00:26:45 |
"You will be visited by three..." |
| 00:26:50 |
It's my trademark. |
| 00:26:52 |
Well, maybe you ought |
| 00:26:55 |
[Protesters] No more war! |
| 00:26:57 |
No more war! |
| 00:26:58 |
No more war! |
| 00:27:00 |
- Hey, where am I? |
| 00:27:03 |
We pledge ourselves! |
| 00:27:05 |
We will not support the United States |
| 00:27:09 |
Right on, sister. |
| 00:27:11 |
- So, what's goin' on here? |
| 00:27:15 |
Just like yours, only this is 1940. |
| 00:27:18 |
- So they can't see us. |
| 00:27:21 |
Hmm. Aah! |
| 00:27:23 |
This is gonna be harder than I thought. |
| 00:27:25 |
I'm startin' to notice a pattern here. |
| 00:27:27 |
- Anyway, this never happened! |
| 00:27:30 |
Well, they're pacifists. They understand |
| 00:27:35 |
The only way is to sign |
| 00:27:38 |
- not like sadistic movie generals. |
| 00:27:42 |
I'll show you what |
| 00:27:48 |
OK, where are we now? |
| 00:27:51 |
Germany, September, 1938. |
| 00:27:53 |
That's Neville Chamberlain, |
| 00:27:57 |
Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement. |
| 00:28:00 |
[Chamberlain] Right. This gives you |
| 00:28:03 |
Austria, and a couple countries |
| 00:28:06 |
And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia. |
| 00:28:08 |
So that's C A, no. T... Oh! |
| 00:28:11 |
Let's make it Poland. |
| 00:28:13 |
The important thing is we now have hope. |
| 00:28:16 |
See? He stands for what's important. |
| 00:28:19 |
Does that look like standing to you? |
| 00:28:22 |
- There. How's that? |
| 00:28:25 |
[Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys |
| 00:28:28 |
[Whistling] |
| 00:28:30 |
- War is not the answer. |
| 00:28:33 |
You're givin' this Nazi everything |
| 00:28:36 |
Not nothing. We get peace. |
| 00:28:39 |
¶ Kumbaya, my lord |
| 00:28:42 |
- ¶ Kumbaya |
| 00:28:46 |
Und we'll name |
| 00:28:49 |
Think of it... |
| 00:28:52 |
Lovely. |
| 00:28:55 |
Hang on. I'm good at this. |
| 00:28:56 |
Mr. Herr President, |
| 00:28:58 |
obviously America's done |
| 00:29:01 |
want to invade these countries |
| 00:29:04 |
- I'm just as frustrated as you. |
| 00:29:08 |
- ¶ You're a grand old flag... |
| 00:29:10 |
Hang on. America keeps doing things |
| 00:29:14 |
We bring it on ourselves. |
| 00:29:15 |
What do we do to address |
| 00:29:19 |
How about carbon emission credits? |
| 00:29:21 |
That'll offset your need to invade |
| 00:29:23 |
Aah! |
| 00:29:25 |
[Soldiers] I don't know, |
| 00:29:27 |
kill some Jews and take their gold. |
| 00:29:29 |
Third floor. Right. Sorry. |
| 00:29:33 |
They really should add flying |
| 00:29:36 |
My point is talking to evil dictators |
| 00:29:40 |
You know one thing they understand? |
| 00:29:42 |
I'm guessing some sort |
| 00:29:44 |
- Strength. That's the only thing. |
| 00:29:48 |
Is there anything you think |
| 00:29:50 |
Well, I'd kill to do a feature. |
| 00:29:54 |
Sure thing. Right home. |
| 00:29:58 |
And support the imperialist |
| 00:30:02 |
It's Cuban. |
| 00:30:03 |
Hmm... I guess I can make an exception. |
| 00:30:07 |
Ah! Takes me back. |
| 00:30:11 |
What the hell is this? |
| 00:30:12 |
- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama. |
| 00:30:16 |
Didn't you hear? Around 1860, |
| 00:30:19 |
- After the Civil War? |
| 00:30:22 |
Lincoln agreed with you. |
| 00:30:24 |
- Saved 600,000 American lives. |
| 00:30:27 |
Good move for the economy here, too. |
| 00:30:29 |
- What? Why? |
| 00:30:32 |
Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! |
| 00:30:35 |
I had the boys polish your trophies |
| 00:30:37 |
Polish my trophies? |
| 00:30:39 |
I ain't know they |
| 00:30:41 |
You know, for your information... |
| 00:30:45 |
You're the biggest |
| 00:30:47 |
Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me? |
| 00:30:50 |
I's Rastus. |
| 00:30:51 |
What? Oh, this can't be happening. |
| 00:30:55 |
Hey, isn't that... |
| 00:30:58 |
Yeah, that's him, all right. |
| 00:31:00 |
Don't you worry, mass'a Malone. |
| 00:31:02 |
We got them bacon stains |
| 00:31:05 |
It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln |
| 00:31:08 |
Oh... look, uh, Rastus, |
| 00:31:13 |
Whatever you say, mass'a. |
| 00:31:16 |
No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that. |
| 00:31:18 |
Mass'a Malone! |
| 00:31:21 |
Productivity is through the roof since |
| 00:31:24 |
Now we can buy us |
| 00:31:27 |
and start pickin' some cotton! |
| 00:31:29 |
[Men, singing in harmony] |
| 00:31:31 |
Rastus, tell me, how does old |
| 00:31:35 |
Mass'a Malone is the bestest, |
| 00:31:37 |
most kindliest mass'a |
| 00:31:41 |
Oh, he don't beat us |
| 00:31:43 |
And he don't sell the li'I children |
| 00:31:47 |
No, no, no! I... |
| 00:31:49 |
Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed |
| 00:31:53 |
No, I wasn't gonna be... |
| 00:31:56 |
Look, here, y'all! |
| 00:31:58 |
Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit! |
| 00:32:01 |
[Man] 1, 2, 3, 4. |
| 00:32:02 |
¶ Hava nagila, hava nagila |
| 00:32:05 |
¶ Hava nagila ve nis'mecha |
| 00:32:09 |
¶ Hava nagila, we are so happy |
| 00:32:12 |
¶ That mass'a owns us |
| 00:32:15 |
I gotta get out of here! |
| 00:32:17 |
All right, mass'a leavin'. |
| 00:32:20 |
- Hope you can buy some more of us. |
| 00:32:23 |
- Huh? |
| 00:32:25 |
- [Malone screams] |
| 00:32:27 |
- [Girl 2] Bye, Daddy! |
| 00:32:30 |
[Screaming] |
| 00:32:31 |
- Aw, that was sick. |
| 00:32:36 |
Lincoln is revered now |
| 00:32:41 |
Hey, you would know. |
| 00:32:43 |
- Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay. |
| 00:32:46 |
Why don't I just shoot you now? |
| 00:32:48 |
Well, maybe he just had |
| 00:32:50 |
Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello! |
| 00:32:52 |
Michael? Where are you? |
| 00:32:53 |
- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C. |
| 00:32:57 |
you're supposed to be |
| 00:33:00 |
I know. Of course. |
| 00:33:01 |
- [Phone beeps] |
| 00:33:04 |
[Off-the-hook signal] |
| 00:33:06 |
- Damn cell phones. |
| 00:33:11 |
But do your minutes roll over |
| 00:33:11 |
But do your minutes roll over |
| 00:33:14 |
Course they do. |
| 00:33:15 |
- But do you get unlimited texting? |
| 00:33:18 |
[Students conversing] |
| 00:33:20 |
[Door opens] |
| 00:33:21 |
Your people. |
| 00:33:22 |
Yep, the students love me. |
| 00:33:24 |
Love you? They don't even know you. |
| 00:33:26 |
You're unique. |
| 00:33:27 |
A liberal director |
| 00:33:30 |
at the University |
| 00:33:32 |
- They flock to my movies. |
| 00:33:36 |
They go to your movies |
| 00:33:38 |
This is where they get information |
| 00:33:42 |
- It's called education. |
| 00:33:45 |
The American flag is a symbol |
| 00:33:49 |
July 4th is a despicable celebration. |
| 00:33:51 |
I know that look. |
| 00:33:54 |
Where we gonna go now, back in time? |
| 00:33:56 |
We don't have to. We're at a university. |
| 00:33:59 |
[Pitch pipe plays note] |
| 00:34:01 |
¶ Nothing has changed |
| 00:34:03 |
¶ We still think the same way |
| 00:34:07 |
¶ And if you think the way we do |
| 00:34:10 |
¶ We'll give you an A |
| 00:34:13 |
¶ And you get extra credit |
| 00:34:16 |
¶ If you're poor, black, or gay |
| 00:34:20 |
¶ Just be sure not to pray |
| 00:34:24 |
¶ Yes, everything's the same |
| 00:34:27 |
Mmm! |
| 00:34:29 |
- [Slap] |
| 00:34:30 |
[Man] Two, three, four. |
| 00:34:32 |
¶ The president's stupid, |
| 00:34:34 |
¶ The government's dirty |
| 00:34:36 |
¶ Our cops are on drugs |
| 00:34:38 |
¶ But we still like our co-eds |
| 00:34:41 |
¶ And America's to blame |
| 00:34:44 |
¶ Just like in 1968 |
| 00:34:48 |
- Are you kidding? A musical number? |
| 00:34:50 |
A little entertainment. |
| 00:34:52 |
¶ We were smart |
| 00:34:54 |
What kind of a soldier are you? |
| 00:34:56 |
Startin' to understand |
| 00:34:58 |
¶ 1968, things were really great |
| 00:35:02 |
¶ I used to ovulate |
| 00:35:04 |
¶ You gotta love 1968 |
| 00:35:07 |
Hey, what are you doin' with our kids? |
| 00:35:09 |
¶ ... in the moon |
| 00:35:11 |
¶ And so what if there are facts |
| 00:35:14 |
¶ We've already got tenure |
| 00:35:17 |
¶ To a college with half a brain |
| 00:35:20 |
What do your parents |
| 00:35:23 |
They're just happy to |
| 00:35:25 |
Wanna hear what you're |
| 00:35:28 |
- I gave up an ass lift for this? |
| 00:35:31 |
¶ America's evil, it's a fascist regime |
| 00:35:34 |
¶ Take over the world |
| 00:35:37 |
¶ And pay no attention |
| 00:35:40 |
[Malone] ¶ He doesn't matter |
| 00:35:49 |
Oh. |
| 00:35:50 |
¶ Just like in 1968 |
| 00:35:54 |
¶ 1968 |
| 00:35:57 |
¶ 1968 |
| 00:36:00 |
¶ 1968 |
| 00:36:02 |
¶ Come on to 19 |
| 00:36:03 |
¶ 1968 |
| 00:36:05 |
¶ Let's keep singin' it |
| 00:36:06 |
¶ 1968 |
| 00:36:09 |
- So, what do you think now? |
| 00:36:12 |
OK, so they're |
| 00:36:14 |
It doesn't make it OK for you to |
| 00:36:18 |
Doin' a good job |
| 00:36:20 |
They're only tryin' |
| 00:36:22 |
By indoctrinating an entire generation |
| 00:36:25 |
Well, they teach math, too. |
| 00:36:28 |
When was it in your life |
| 00:36:32 |
Was it in college? |
| 00:36:33 |
Before that? |
| 00:36:35 |
Was it a girl? |
| 00:36:38 |
[Doorbell rings] |
| 00:36:40 |
- Michael! |
| 00:36:46 |
Molly, I'm off to save the world, |
| 00:36:50 |
Oh, Michael, war is |
| 00:36:53 |
I know, Molly. |
| 00:36:54 |
That's why I'm going off |
| 00:36:56 |
Film school? |
| 00:36:58 |
Yes. No sacrifice too great. |
| 00:37:01 |
You'll wait for me of course? |
| 00:37:03 |
Sure. Or course. |
| 00:37:05 |
Take your time. |
| 00:37:12 |
But she didn't wait, did she? |
| 00:37:14 |
She tried, but I was gone so long. |
| 00:37:18 |
Long? You were kicked out |
| 00:37:21 |
[Doorbell rings] |
| 00:37:22 |
[Molly] Coming! |
| 00:37:28 |
- Molly. |
| 00:37:37 |
Oh, my God! |
| 00:37:38 |
This can't be happening! |
| 00:37:41 |
My best friend? |
| 00:37:42 |
We fell in love while you were gone. |
| 00:37:45 |
No! I mean, he's in the army! |
| 00:37:48 |
How terrible! You got drafted! |
| 00:37:50 |
No, Michael. I enlisted. |
| 00:37:52 |
I want to serve my country. |
| 00:37:54 |
How could you want to serve |
| 00:37:57 |
- Molly. |
| 00:38:00 |
I just love men in uniform. |
| 00:38:03 |
Oh, shoot. |
| 00:38:09 |
You know, that uniform |
| 00:38:12 |
[Chuckles] |
| 00:38:13 |
So, you remember what happened next. |
| 00:38:15 |
Yeah, my first film. |
| 00:38:18 |
She did the astronaut, too? |
| 00:38:20 |
And the entire crew of the shuttle. |
| 00:38:24 |
[¶ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing] |
| 00:38:31 |
[Sound of record needle scratching] |
| 00:38:35 |
Well, general, enjoyed this |
| 00:38:38 |
but I have an interview in 20 minutes. |
| 00:38:40 |
Don't worry, kid. |
| 00:38:42 |
Things are gonna get a lot worse. |
| 00:38:49 |
The demonstration is outside |
| 00:38:54 |
We need to get into artists' entrance |
| 00:38:58 |
Well, for that, we will need |
| 00:39:01 |
Exactly. |
| 00:39:02 |
You must get these from director Malone. |
| 00:39:05 |
He can get them. |
| 00:39:07 |
Wait. You got us |
| 00:39:12 |
Yes, but, leader, |
| 00:39:15 |
so he can document his hate of America. |
| 00:39:17 |
Where would they give all-access passes |
| 00:39:20 |
- America! |
| 00:39:22 |
[Both laughing] |
| 00:39:25 |
- Ahmed? Mohammed? |
| 00:39:28 |
- What are you doin' here? |
| 00:39:33 |
- [Mohammed] And talk about the movie. |
| 00:39:36 |
Who's Mister Happy? |
| 00:39:38 |
Oh, him? Aziz is an actor. |
| 00:39:42 |
Well, he's also our contact |
| 00:39:45 |
Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man. |
| 00:39:49 |
You know, for financing a movie, you can |
| 00:39:53 |
Oh, holdin' out for executive producer. |
| 00:39:57 |
You must have been killer sellin' rugs. |
| 00:39:59 |
OK, we'll negotiate. |
| 00:40:01 |
How about joinin' me |
| 00:40:03 |
- No, no, no, he can't be on TV. |
| 00:40:07 |
Mohammed and Ahmed have visas, |
| 00:40:10 |
Yes, he was on some kind of list. |
| 00:40:14 |
[Aziz] I came through Mexico... |
| 00:40:18 |
Great, great. |
| 00:40:19 |
Good thing that fence isn't up yet. |
| 00:40:21 |
This country was built by immigrants. |
| 00:40:23 |
No matter. We'll get you |
| 00:40:26 |
Have to shave, though. |
| 00:40:29 |
[Malone laughing] |
| 00:40:31 |
[Laughing] |
| 00:40:34 |
[Screams, imitates explosion] |
| 00:40:36 |
Aah! Help me! I'm on fire! |
| 00:40:38 |
Aah! Bam! |
| 00:40:40 |
Hey, a bomb went off! |
| 00:40:41 |
[Laughing] |
| 00:40:44 |
So what's the next step? |
| 00:40:47 |
Yes. |
| 00:40:48 |
But before the money is committed, |
| 00:40:50 |
I'll need media passes |
| 00:40:53 |
Media passes? |
| 00:40:54 |
Well, uh, he wants to hear |
| 00:40:58 |
Oh, yes, all right. |
| 00:41:01 |
Be good to have you there, |
| 00:41:05 |
- Especially jihadists. |
| 00:41:10 |
What? |
| 00:41:11 |
We need to treat all cultures equally. |
| 00:41:14 |
Everyone is equal. |
| 00:41:16 |
Oh, damn. A thread. |
| 00:41:20 |
Allow me. |
| 00:41:26 |
Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba. |
| 00:41:30 |
Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly. |
| 00:41:32 |
Tonight's special segment is July 4th. |
| 00:41:35 |
Now, most folks will be celebrating |
| 00:41:39 |
a parade, or here in New York City, |
| 00:41:41 |
to a Madison Square Garden |
| 00:41:45 |
But my guests tonight |
| 00:41:48 |
Michael Malone is |
| 00:41:51 |
- to abolish the Fourth of July. |
| 00:41:54 |
And there are always fireworks with |
| 00:41:58 |
Good to be here, Bill. |
| 00:42:00 |
Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her |
| 00:42:03 |
you're demonstrating against |
| 00:42:07 |
Come on. |
| 00:42:08 |
It's not against the troops. |
| 00:42:11 |
Look, we support the troops. |
| 00:42:14 |
What? Don't you realize |
| 00:42:17 |
are the only ones standing between |
| 00:42:21 |
Bill, there you go. |
| 00:42:22 |
You think all terrorists |
| 00:42:25 |
That's profiling. |
| 00:42:26 |
Radical Christianity |
| 00:42:30 |
- I don't think she means... |
| 00:42:32 |
You can't be serious. |
| 00:42:34 |
I'm serious and Michael agrees with me. |
| 00:42:37 |
All right, roll it. |
| 00:42:39 |
[Announcer] The civilized |
| 00:42:42 |
for an onslaught of |
| 00:42:45 |
brought on by radical Christians |
| 00:42:47 |
as they attempt to spread their ideology |
| 00:43:00 |
Praise Jesus! |
| 00:43:03 |
Hail Mary full of grace! |
| 00:43:05 |
Look out! It's those Christians! |
| 00:43:08 |
72 virgins, here I come! |
| 00:43:11 |
[Announcer] We all pay the price |
| 00:43:12 |
for the increased security needs |
| 00:43:16 |
of radical Christians. |
| 00:43:17 |
I hate having to take these off |
| 00:43:20 |
Yeah. Ever since |
| 00:43:22 |
in the bottom of his shoes. |
| 00:43:24 |
You can't take this on. |
| 00:43:27 |
Toothpaste? |
| 00:43:28 |
No liquids since the Christians |
| 00:43:31 |
with smuggled nitroglycerine |
| 00:43:34 |
[Baby crying] |
| 00:43:35 |
- [Man] Please remove all underclothing. |
| 00:43:39 |
- Ever since the underwear bomber. |
| 00:43:42 |
[Man on PA] All items of underclothing |
| 00:43:46 |
Damn those Christians. |
| 00:43:47 |
- Yipes! |
| 00:43:49 |
If you add extra bleach, |
| 00:43:53 |
- Hey! |
| 00:43:55 |
- What? |
| 00:43:57 |
[Man grunting and moaning] |
| 00:44:00 |
Ever since the suppository bomber... |
| 00:44:02 |
The Episcopal suppository bomber. |
| 00:44:07 |
That's not a documentary. |
| 00:44:10 |
Bill, using reenactments to prove points |
| 00:44:14 |
That's what we do. Right, Michael? |
| 00:44:16 |
Bill, you wouldn't get that, |
| 00:44:20 |
Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin' |
| 00:44:23 |
Let's start it off with enshrining you |
| 00:44:27 |
Keep it up, Bill. |
| 00:44:28 |
We wouldn't be at war at all |
| 00:44:31 |
to that phony 9l11 attack. |
| 00:44:32 |
[O'Reilly] You can't be serious. |
| 00:44:35 |
Can we talk about |
| 00:44:38 |
You think those towers were brought down |
| 00:44:41 |
- Malone. |
| 00:44:44 |
It's the first time |
| 00:44:47 |
Rosie, I've heard that claim. |
| 00:44:50 |
Now, Bill, our demonstration... |
| 00:44:52 |
Don't call me names. |
| 00:44:55 |
She's a little far out. |
| 00:44:57 |
Here's a news flash for you, Malone. |
| 00:44:59 |
Your movies may not be |
| 00:45:02 |
but yours are more dangerous because |
| 00:45:06 |
Because I tell the truth! |
| 00:45:07 |
Because you tell the audience |
| 00:45:10 |
At least nobody believes Rosie. |
| 00:45:12 |
You didn't even believe |
| 00:45:15 |
Or that we never landed on the Moon. |
| 00:45:17 |
I'm gonna take both and |
| 00:45:20 |
Well, that concludes this look |
| 00:45:24 |
Next week, we'll be looking at |
| 00:45:32 |
[Woman] Mr. Malone? |
| 00:45:33 |
Mr. Malone? |
| 00:45:35 |
Mr. Malone? |
| 00:45:36 |
[Boy] Grandpa? Grandpa! |
| 00:45:38 |
What? |
| 00:45:39 |
A Mr. Mohammed called. |
| 00:45:41 |
Something about not being |
| 00:45:43 |
Heather, I still have plenty of... |
| 00:45:45 |
A rehearsal?! |
| 00:45:46 |
How could you be part |
| 00:45:49 |
and kill my brothers and sisters |
| 00:45:52 |
Yusef, there are no straight men left. |
| 00:45:56 |
Yes, that's why I joined. |
| 00:45:58 |
She reads the lines |
| 00:46:01 |
Yes. This is so much better |
| 00:46:04 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:46:06 |
W had to start rehearsals. |
| 00:46:08 |
- But we haven't even... |
| 00:46:10 |
Say no to the army, run away |
| 00:46:14 |
No. The recruiters |
| 00:46:16 |
talk to us for hours |
| 00:46:19 |
Like Scientology. |
| 00:46:20 |
I'll ask the great leader |
| 00:46:23 |
- I didn't write that. |
| 00:46:25 |
- [Man] To stay together. |
| 00:46:28 |
- Huh? |
| 00:46:30 |
[man] Is this a real sword? |
| 00:46:32 |
[Man 2] Yes. Be careful. |
| 00:46:34 |
- [Man screams] |
| 00:46:36 |
I will ask the great leader Osama. |
| 00:46:38 |
She's an infidel. Cut off her head. |
| 00:46:40 |
- Aah! |
| 00:46:44 |
- Yaah! Come back here! |
| 00:46:46 |
- Death to the uncircumcised! |
| 00:46:49 |
- This sword is heavy! |
| 00:46:51 |
Give him more lines. |
| 00:46:52 |
- Hey, isn't that? |
| 00:46:55 |
Revered by all Americans. |
| 00:46:57 |
This isn't that kind of movie. This is |
| 00:47:01 |
- He will be hard to replace. |
| 00:47:04 |
This is about militants being |
| 00:47:08 |
Meryl Streep already did that! |
| 00:47:10 |
What about the Marine who rapes |
| 00:47:13 |
Brian De Palma, straight to video. |
| 00:47:15 |
- [Clanging] |
| 00:47:18 |
Robert Redford. |
| 00:47:19 |
Soldier who's forced |
| 00:47:21 |
- Has an Oscar buzz. |
| 00:47:23 |
- We'll see it Friday. |
| 00:47:26 |
[Groaning] |
| 00:47:27 |
I know. All the really great |
| 00:47:31 |
No way we can compete |
| 00:47:33 |
[Man] Michael Malone? |
| 00:47:36 |
- I'm directing this picture. |
| 00:47:40 |
- Malone! We're under attack! |
| 00:47:46 |
[People screaming, horns honking] |
| 00:47:50 |
- Come on! |
| 00:47:53 |
I don't see an attack. |
| 00:47:55 |
- A gun? I don't... |
| 00:47:58 |
Think of that as a talkin' stick. |
| 00:48:01 |
- [Malone] Where are we going?! |
| 00:48:07 |
[Malone] What's going on?! |
| 00:48:09 |
Sons of bitches! |
| 00:48:12 |
- Stop! You can't just shoot people! |
| 00:48:16 |
What?! You still can't... |
| 00:48:17 |
Oh! Aah! |
| 00:48:19 |
Aah! Aah! |
| 00:48:24 |
- Fire at will, boys! |
| 00:48:29 |
- [People screaming] |
| 00:48:31 |
ACLU. They come around |
| 00:48:34 |
No listenin' in on terrorists' calls. |
| 00:48:36 |
Be nice to Al Qaeda. |
| 00:48:39 |
[Lawyers grunting] |
| 00:48:40 |
[Judge] Separation of church and state. |
| 00:48:42 |
Aah! |
| 00:48:43 |
I'll tell you one thing about |
| 00:48:47 |
Aah! |
| 00:48:49 |
Gun control. That gets 'em |
| 00:48:52 |
- [Gunshot] |
| 00:48:53 |
I think we could use |
| 00:48:56 |
Tell it to them. |
| 00:48:58 |
Aah! |
| 00:49:00 |
Aah! |
| 00:49:01 |
Try it. It's fun. |
| 00:49:02 |
- [Gunshot] |
| 00:49:04 |
Try not to lead 'em so much next time. |
| 00:49:07 |
Aah! |
| 00:49:08 |
- Aah! |
| 00:49:10 |
What we're tryin' to do here, son, |
| 00:49:15 |
There's still five left. |
| 00:49:16 |
Hey, judge! |
| 00:49:20 |
Aw, screw it! |
| 00:49:22 |
Aah! |
| 00:49:23 |
- Guns are not the answer! |
| 00:49:26 |
- Aah! |
| 00:49:29 |
Oh, my God, what have I done? |
| 00:49:31 |
The first one's always the best. |
| 00:49:35 |
[Both grunting] |
| 00:49:40 |
OK, OK, give me that thing. |
| 00:49:42 |
Aah! |
| 00:49:44 |
Ooh! |
| 00:49:45 |
I bet they heard that. |
| 00:49:47 |
Come on! They're on the subway! |
| 00:49:50 |
Godspeed, General! |
| 00:50:01 |
I'll need to see your bag, please. |
| 00:50:07 |
[Grunting] |
| 00:50:11 |
This says we can't search their bags. |
| 00:50:13 |
[Grunting] |
| 00:50:18 |
Thank Allah for the ACLU. |
| 00:50:20 |
Now you are going to |
| 00:50:23 |
They're going to fly |
| 00:50:29 |
[Gunshots] |
| 00:50:30 |
Subway into a building... hmm. |
| 00:50:33 |
Well, now you've gone too far! |
| 00:50:37 |
Only when they interfere |
| 00:50:46 |
Enjoy your privacy rights in hell. |
| 00:50:52 |
The Patriot Act is spoiling everything. |
| 00:50:55 |
I can't believe |
| 00:50:57 |
Aah! |
| 00:50:59 |
- [Clanging] |
| 00:51:01 |
Sir, we are ready to do our duty. |
| 00:51:04 |
Your job is to pick up |
| 00:51:07 |
from the infidel director. |
| 00:51:09 |
As America watches that concert on TV, |
| 00:51:13 |
they will see the power of jihad. |
| 00:51:15 |
You are going to blow up |
| 00:51:18 |
When that roof collapses |
| 00:51:19 |
on 20,000 American soldiers |
| 00:51:22 |
we will be held as martyrs |
| 00:51:26 |
But we will be dead. |
| 00:51:30 |
Yes. |
| 00:51:31 |
Isn't there like a remote control |
| 00:51:35 |
Leader, we get the passes for it |
| 00:51:39 |
Very good. |
| 00:51:40 |
I'm gonna grab a knish. |
| 00:51:42 |
Your families will be proud. |
| 00:51:48 |
Is there nothing we can do? |
| 00:51:50 |
Nothing. The plan is foolproof. |
| 00:52:03 |
Enough already. It's not as if I'm |
| 00:52:08 |
Little tip for you. |
| 00:52:09 |
Fascist uniforms, not cool. |
| 00:52:11 |
- Or religion. |
| 00:52:13 |
Fourth of July? That reminds me. |
| 00:52:16 |
[Lawyers grunting] |
| 00:52:18 |
You're leavin'? |
| 00:52:19 |
Yep. End of the line for me, |
| 00:52:22 |
- and get me the hell out of here. |
| 00:52:25 |
Are you sure? |
| 00:52:26 |
That subway station was too clean. |
| 00:52:28 |
Oh... unh! |
| 00:52:30 |
[Country music playing, |
| 00:52:40 |
That's the real America. |
| 00:52:41 |
Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July, |
| 00:52:45 |
- This is my own family. |
| 00:52:49 |
Oh, right. So it is. |
| 00:52:51 |
Hey, do I smell burgers? |
| 00:52:54 |
I made your favorite, sweet potatoes. |
| 00:52:56 |
Aw, honey, you know, |
| 00:52:57 |
what I think I'm gonna miss most |
| 00:53:00 |
- Not my kisses? |
| 00:53:03 |
Should I set a place |
| 00:53:05 |
Oh, no, honey. |
| 00:53:09 |
I feel bad he keeps |
| 00:53:11 |
[Josh] Well, he'll come around. |
| 00:53:14 |
- [Timmy] God bless us, everyone. |
| 00:53:18 |
What a beautiful day |
| 00:53:20 |
Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert? |
| 00:53:23 |
Daddy, is your asshole |
| 00:53:26 |
Uh, well... |
| 00:53:27 |
Uh, Timmy, you know |
| 00:53:30 |
That lard ass only loves himself. |
| 00:53:33 |
Did he come up with |
| 00:53:35 |
Uh, well, uh... |
| 00:53:37 |
Documentaries don't actually |
| 00:53:40 |
- [girl] Daddy! |
| 00:53:43 |
I see that Michael "I'm gonna get |
| 00:53:48 |
stiffed you again. |
| 00:53:49 |
Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can. |
| 00:53:52 |
I bet he spent time in the cornea market |
| 00:53:56 |
[Josh] Oh, good! |
| 00:53:57 |
The boys have brought out Tiny Tina. |
| 00:54:00 |
She's doing so much better |
| 00:54:03 |
[Josh] Hey, kids! |
| 00:54:04 |
I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad |
| 00:54:07 |
I'm running a little short on time here. |
| 00:54:12 |
- Ow! |
| 00:54:13 |
- [Kids screaming] |
| 00:54:15 |
Now, can't we go on |
| 00:54:16 |
Now, can't we go on |
| 00:54:18 |
- Where the hell are we? |
| 00:54:20 |
But there's a war going on here! |
| 00:54:22 |
- [Patton] Since 9l11! |
| 00:54:24 |
- Down! |
| 00:54:26 |
- It's against the Geneva Convention. |
| 00:54:29 |
- They're innocent till proven guilty. |
| 00:54:32 |
If they're on the battlefield |
| 00:54:36 |
[Malone] That's not the point. |
| 00:54:38 |
There's no reason |
| 00:54:40 |
Fine. Take 'em off. |
| 00:54:46 |
[All] Michael Malone! Michael Malone! |
| 00:54:49 |
[Prisoner] Die You American Pigs! |
| 00:54:51 |
He's much fatter in person. |
| 00:54:52 |
OK, OK. |
| 00:54:54 |
Let's see how fat I look |
| 00:54:57 |
- [Explosion] |
| 00:54:58 |
Aah aah aah! |
| 00:55:00 |
[Soldiers]... for my God |
| 00:55:02 |
Have mercy upon me, O God, |
| 00:55:04 |
for it is an unfailing love. |
| 00:55:07 |
Praise be to the Lord, my rock, |
| 00:55:09 |
who trains my hands for war, |
| 00:55:12 |
We're taking fire! |
| 00:55:22 |
Aah! They're using real bullets! |
| 00:55:26 |
Aah! Oh! |
| 00:55:29 |
Oh! |
| 00:55:30 |
[Groaning] |
| 00:55:36 |
[Patton] Honestly, |
| 00:55:39 |
but this one is just too bullheaded. |
| 00:55:42 |
Father, please forgive me. |
| 00:55:44 |
I have done my best. |
| 00:55:45 |
This challenge was just too much. |
| 00:55:48 |
I fear this battle is lost. |
| 00:55:54 |
Oh, so now you're telling God? |
| 00:55:57 |
Not that father. |
| 00:56:00 |
You know, JFK was right. |
| 00:56:04 |
[Slap] |
| 00:56:09 |
What?! Oh, George Washington. |
| 00:56:12 |
Been dead for 200 years, |
| 00:56:16 |
It does matter, citizen Malone. |
| 00:56:19 |
Nice costume. |
| 00:56:24 |
I'm here to talk to you about freedom. |
| 00:56:27 |
- The greatest gift man has. |
| 00:56:30 |
Very precarious gift, easily misused. |
| 00:56:33 |
And when it is misused, easily lost. |
| 00:56:38 |
Like freedom from pompous spirits. |
| 00:56:41 |
Like freedom of speech, which you abuse. |
| 00:56:43 |
Like freedom of religion. |
| 00:56:45 |
This is St. Paul's Chapel, |
| 00:56:48 |
- [yawning] |
| 00:56:52 |
I sat right here |
| 00:56:55 |
to pray for guidance |
| 00:56:59 |
If this place is so important, |
| 00:57:04 |
- [Malone] It's full of... |
| 00:57:09 |
From across the street. |
| 00:57:14 |
[Church bell tolling] |
| 00:57:15 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:57:16 |
It was the World Trade Center, |
| 00:57:19 |
and this is the dust |
| 00:57:23 |
and the great heroes who perished |
| 00:57:26 |
Why'd you bring me here? |
| 00:57:28 |
I'm not responsible for this. |
| 00:57:29 |
It was our foreign policy. |
| 00:57:31 |
It's our military bases overseas. |
| 00:57:33 |
It's globalization. It's the CIA! |
| 00:57:36 |
Is that what you're |
| 00:57:38 |
Well, I've already been judged, |
| 00:57:41 |
For a documentary. |
| 00:57:46 |
When you meet the Almighty, Michael, |
| 00:57:53 |
Only the truth will do. |
| 00:57:57 |
I gotta get out of here. |
| 00:57:59 |
- [Clang] |
| 00:58:01 |
Ow! |
| 00:58:03 |
Ooh! |
| 00:58:04 |
- [Clanging] |
| 00:58:13 |
No! No! |
| 00:58:15 |
No! No! |
| 00:58:19 |
Aah! |
| 00:58:20 |
Don't hurt me! |
| 00:58:25 |
I'm the Angel of freakin' Death, |
| 00:58:28 |
Boy, you do not wanna mess |
| 00:58:32 |
Listen, punk, there are consequences |
| 00:58:36 |
Let's go. |
| 00:58:38 |
Oh, good, another field trip. |
| 00:58:40 |
Can we go someplace cool this time, |
| 00:58:44 |
Now, that's a good idea. |
| 00:58:45 |
[Arabic music playing] |
| 00:58:47 |
What's goin' on here? |
| 00:58:50 |
Hollywood, just like you wanted, |
| 00:58:54 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:58:55 |
They kept the buildings. |
| 00:58:58 |
[Malone] Oh, no! |
| 00:59:00 |
We lost the war on terror. |
| 00:59:03 |
Great bunch of movies |
| 00:59:07 |
Oh, shit. |
| 00:59:09 |
Yeah. Terrorists really |
| 00:59:11 |
Oh! Take me home. |
| 00:59:16 |
My real home. |
| 00:59:17 |
That's where we're goin'. |
| 00:59:22 |
[Siren] |
| 00:59:25 |
Ah, home. |
| 00:59:26 |
[Distant gunfire] |
| 00:59:28 |
Detroit! |
| 00:59:33 |
[Man] This is all that's left? |
| 00:59:35 |
Not much to work with, |
| 00:59:38 |
We'll never be able |
| 00:59:41 |
Why even bother? |
| 00:59:42 |
I mean, it's one of 100,000. |
| 00:59:44 |
What happened here? |
| 00:59:46 |
Listen. |
| 00:59:47 |
The strange thing is |
| 00:59:51 |
Radiation got the rest. |
| 00:59:52 |
Nuclear attack on Detroit? |
| 00:59:56 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:59:57 |
We found this in the wreckage |
| 01:00:01 |
Some big-ass celebrity. |
| 01:00:02 |
[Woman] You got that right. |
| 01:00:04 |
This was near it. |
| 01:00:08 |
Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap. |
| 01:00:11 |
That explains the fat ass. |
| 01:00:12 |
Check this out. |
| 01:00:13 |
There is no terrorist threat. |
| 01:00:16 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:00:17 |
Uh, yeah, yeah. |
| 01:00:19 |
the please don't shoot |
| 01:00:21 |
[Laughter] |
| 01:00:24 |
Do I look more |
| 01:00:26 |
Hey, spank my know-it-all ass. |
| 01:00:30 |
[Man 2] I know! |
| 01:00:32 |
Least everyone will be happy |
| 01:00:35 |
[All laugh] |
| 01:00:37 |
Don't let me die! |
| 01:00:39 |
I don't wanna die! |
| 01:00:42 |
[All] ¶ Yankee doodle went to town |
| 01:00:44 |
¶ Riding on a big ass |
| 01:00:45 |
I don't wanna die! |
| 01:00:48 |
Please! I don't wanna die. |
| 01:00:50 |
I don't wanna die. |
| 01:00:51 |
[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't |
| 01:00:51 |
[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't |
| 01:00:57 |
I didn't die. I'm alive! |
| 01:00:59 |
I'm here at Madison Square Garden |
| 01:01:01 |
where Moovealong. Org is holding |
| 01:01:05 |
I didn't miss it! |
| 01:01:06 |
It wasn't a nightmare! |
| 01:01:08 |
Except for that creepy |
| 01:01:11 |
It's a beautiful day! |
| 01:01:13 |
They're all waiting |
| 01:01:18 |
That's right, Michael Malone. |
| 01:01:20 |
I'm so f... |
| 01:01:22 |
[knock on door] |
| 01:01:26 |
Time to go. |
| 01:01:28 |
I can't. I'm... sick. |
| 01:01:29 |
Oh. You look terrible. |
| 01:01:31 |
But you always look terrible. |
| 01:01:33 |
Now come on. |
| 01:01:36 |
[Chanting] We love Michael Malone! |
| 01:01:38 |
We love Michael Malone! |
| 01:01:39 |
You gotta do the right thing. |
| 01:01:43 |
Huh? |
| 01:01:44 |
[Protesters] We don't care how! |
| 01:01:48 |
Leave now! We don't care how! |
| 01:01:50 |
[Chant continues] |
| 01:01:58 |
[Ahmed] Director Akbar! |
| 01:02:01 |
Director Akbar, our |
| 01:02:04 |
you have them? |
| 01:02:06 |
Oh, yeah, uh, |
| 01:02:08 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:02:10 |
What is your message to the troops |
| 01:02:12 |
who have come for |
| 01:02:15 |
Uh... uh... uh... |
| 01:02:16 |
[Heather] Give me that! |
| 01:02:18 |
We're not gonna celebrate a country |
| 01:02:21 |
That's what Michael is here to say. |
| 01:02:25 |
Introduce Jimmy Carter |
| 01:02:27 |
- [Chanting] Bring troops home! |
| 01:02:30 |
Feel free to just wander on up here. |
| 01:02:33 |
And here's former |
| 01:02:35 |
Israel is an apartheid state. |
| 01:02:37 |
Uh, high taxes are good for you. |
| 01:02:40 |
[Woman] And after him, |
| 01:02:43 |
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. |
| 01:02:53 |
Aah! |
| 01:02:55 |
What am I gonna do? |
| 01:02:57 |
- [Slap] |
| 01:02:59 |
You spineless bastard, act like a man. |
| 01:03:01 |
Why'd you do that? |
| 01:03:04 |
I just don't know what. Aah! |
| 01:03:06 |
You can't sit here on the sidelines. |
| 01:03:10 |
I'm considering |
| 01:03:12 |
Aah! |
| 01:03:13 |
[Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here? |
| 01:03:17 |
I know. I just enjoy slapping you. |
| 01:03:20 |
- Aah! |
| 01:03:21 |
The time has come to forget about |
| 01:03:25 |
You know what courage is? |
| 01:03:27 |
You mean, like the lion |
| 01:03:30 |
I had a more heroic reference in mind, |
| 01:03:32 |
but if The Wizard Of Oz |
| 01:03:35 |
You know, is it possible for me |
| 01:03:39 |
We are facing the greatest |
| 01:03:42 |
[Patton] What are you talking about? |
| 01:03:44 |
To assure there will be no more war, |
| 01:03:47 |
of arranging a formal surrender ceremony |
| 01:04:04 |
OK, stop! I'll do it. |
| 01:04:09 |
Thank you, thank you. |
| 01:04:11 |
[Carter] Oh, look, here he is now, |
| 01:04:14 |
a true heavyweight of the movement, |
| 01:04:16 |
our brother, Michael Malone! |
| 01:04:18 |
Ah... whoo. |
| 01:04:21 |
Ah, thank you. Thank you. |
| 01:04:23 |
Uh, I know what you all |
| 01:04:27 |
Government-run health care. |
| 01:04:30 |
Global warming. |
| 01:04:33 |
No handguns allowed in your home. |
| 01:04:38 |
And these things are all vital. |
| 01:04:43 |
But they all come second |
| 01:04:46 |
We're in a real war, people. |
| 01:04:48 |
These terrorists want to kill us all, |
| 01:04:50 |
and you're acting |
| 01:04:56 |
Traitor! |
| 01:04:58 |
[Crowd booing] |
| 01:05:07 |
Where'd you get that?! |
| 01:05:08 |
Aah! |
| 01:05:14 |
Aah! |
| 01:05:15 |
Hang on a second! |
| 01:05:20 |
Oh, please! I don't blame you |
| 01:05:23 |
in a secret CIA prison, |
| 01:05:25 |
- We're trying to protect you. |
| 01:05:29 |
Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter |
| 01:05:32 |
What? You guys went to college? |
| 01:05:35 |
[Announcer] And now, folks, |
| 01:05:41 |
... Whiskey Falls! |
| 01:05:43 |
[Fireworks exploding] |
| 01:05:46 |
[¶ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] |
| 01:05:48 |
Poor Aziz. |
| 01:05:50 |
He was supposed to wait |
| 01:05:52 |
What a wanker. |
| 01:05:54 |
Hey, let's get hot dogs |
| 01:05:58 |
After we blow ourselves up. |
| 01:06:01 |
After the bombs go off, |
| 01:06:04 |
I can live with that. |
| 01:06:07 |
[Song continues] |
| 01:06:16 |
Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone! |
| 01:06:18 |
Oh, hey! |
| 01:06:19 |
This is for people |
| 01:06:22 |
You hate country music. |
| 01:06:25 |
I had no choice. |
| 01:06:26 |
I was about to be beaten |
| 01:06:30 |
[Announcer] And now, |
| 01:06:33 |
we're proud to introduce a man |
| 01:06:35 |
who has entertained troops |
| 01:06:38 |
Please welcome country music |
| 01:06:43 |
[Cheering and applause] |
| 01:06:46 |
The Angel of Death is headlining? |
| 01:06:48 |
Hello, New York City! |
| 01:06:50 |
[Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar! |
| 01:06:52 |
Director Akbar! |
| 01:06:54 |
Shh! I'm gonna get killed. |
| 01:06:56 |
I know. We all are. |
| 01:06:58 |
We have to tell you something. |
| 01:07:01 |
- He's not? |
| 01:07:04 |
Think back. |
| 01:07:08 |
You look like a terrorist. |
| 01:07:12 |
You are going to blow up |
| 01:07:15 |
- [The Chicken Dance playing] |
| 01:07:17 |
Bawk, bawk, bawk! |
| 01:07:21 |
Bawk, bawk, bawk! |
| 01:07:22 |
Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist? |
| 01:07:28 |
- And that would make you... |
| 01:07:31 |
Right! |
| 01:07:32 |
The "film" is set to go off at 7:00. |
| 01:07:42 |
We have to stop him. |
| 01:07:43 |
We'll never find him in this crowd. |
| 01:07:46 |
There's only one place |
| 01:07:50 |
They hate you. |
| 01:07:52 |
They hated Stalin, too. |
| 01:07:54 |
Look for him out in the house. |
| 01:07:55 |
- Stalin? |
| 01:07:58 |
[Adkins] I wouldn't want |
| 01:08:00 |
So come on, let's not waste |
| 01:08:02 |
Let me hear you. |
| 01:08:04 |
[Man] Hey, Malone, |
| 01:08:06 |
- [Booing] |
| 01:08:09 |
- [Man 3] What's he doin' here! |
| 01:08:12 |
- [man] What are you doin' here?! |
| 01:08:15 |
Uh, you probably all hate me, |
| 01:08:19 |
I said a lot of bad things. |
| 01:08:20 |
Uh, over the last few days, |
| 01:08:23 |
And now I know that terrorism |
| 01:08:27 |
[Crowd cheering] |
| 01:08:28 |
[Malone] He's got to be |
| 01:08:30 |
And that, uh, we may not be perfect, |
| 01:08:35 |
[Crowd] Yeah! |
| 01:08:36 |
I'm sorry about what I said about |
| 01:08:40 |
- If you want to listen to dumb songs |
| 01:08:43 |
About cowboys and trucks |
| 01:08:45 |
and watch cars endlessly |
| 01:08:48 |
Hey, what... Hey, this is |
| 01:08:50 |
We're free to do what we want! |
| 01:08:53 |
So if those of you who agree with me |
| 01:08:56 |
that America should be |
| 01:09:01 |
Yes! Die, you American pigs! |
| 01:09:04 |
[Crowd] What?! |
| 01:09:06 |
There he is! The terrorist! Get him! |
| 01:09:10 |
We'll get him, director Akbar! |
| 01:09:14 |
[Malone] Get him! Get him! |
| 01:09:26 |
- Aziz, don't do it! |
| 01:09:28 |
- Wait! |
| 01:09:29 |
[Timer beeping] |
| 01:09:32 |
- Oh! |
| 01:09:33 |
OK, now we must disarm the bomb. |
| 01:09:35 |
Then it's a good thing we're alert. |
| 01:09:40 |
- The red one! |
| 01:09:42 |
[Ahmed] We don't have time. |
| 01:09:44 |
[Mohammed] I've never done this |
| 01:09:47 |
Don't worry about it. |
| 01:09:50 |
- Like that? |
| 01:09:51 |
Ooh! |
| 01:09:52 |
Sailors. |
| 01:09:57 |
[Mohammed] Not that one! |
| 01:10:00 |
[Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here. |
| 01:10:02 |
Oh! |
| 01:10:03 |
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! |
| 01:10:05 |
Do something! |
| 01:10:08 |
- Huh? |
| 01:10:09 |
Aah ha ha ha! |
| 01:10:10 |
- [Ahmed] That was amazing. |
| 01:10:14 |
Marines. |
| 01:10:28 |
[Ahmed] Director Akbar! |
| 01:10:30 |
- Look! Look! |
| 01:10:32 |
- Ooh! |
| 01:10:34 |
[Crowd cheering] |
| 01:10:39 |
Got anything else to say, son? |
| 01:10:41 |
Yeah! How about you rednecks |
| 01:10:45 |
[Band playing] |
| 01:10:49 |
Welcome to the real America. |
| 01:10:53 |
You know, you look |
| 01:10:58 |
¶ This is the greatest country |
| 01:11:02 |
¶ The fastest horses |
| 01:11:05 |
¶ We got the Army, the Navy, |
| 01:11:09 |
¶ The finest fightin' force |
| 01:11:12 |
¶ We're the kind of people |
| 01:11:15 |
¶ No doubt about it, folks |
| 01:11:17 |
¶ We're still number one |
| 01:11:18 |
¶ We got the nerve |
| 01:11:20 |
¶ We got the nerve |
| 01:11:21 |
¶ We got the will |
| 01:11:22 |
¶ We got the will |
| 01:11:23 |
¶ We are all together |
| 01:11:24 |
¶ And you know |
| 01:11:28 |
¶ Yeah, I know the sun |
| 01:11:31 |
¶ America, America |
| 01:11:33 |
[music fades to fifes playing] |
| 01:11:45 |
¶ America, America |
| 01:11:47 |
¶ Yeah, I believe in you |
| 01:11:52 |
New York City! |
| 01:11:55 |
Whoo! |
| 01:11:56 |
There is mosh pit? |
| 01:11:58 |
Not in country music. |
| 01:12:00 |
Aah! Oh! |
| 01:12:02 |
Oh! |
| 01:12:04 |
¶ America, America |
| 01:12:07 |
¶ Ooh, ooh... ¶ |
| 01:12:10 |
Josh. |
| 01:12:27 |
Josh! Josh! |
| 01:12:29 |
Huh? |
| 01:12:32 |
Josh, Josh! |
| 01:12:35 |
Josh, Josh! |
| 01:12:36 |
Carry on. |
| 01:12:37 |
[Timmy] Daddy, look who's here. |
| 01:12:39 |
- Uncle Asshole! |
| 01:12:42 |
Josh! |
| 01:12:52 |
Can you forgive your stupid uncle |
| 01:12:55 |
what's been right in front of him |
| 01:12:58 |
Oh, nice! Blind jokes! |
| 01:13:00 |
Uncle Michael, it's OK. |
| 01:13:03 |
Well, I just want you to know |
| 01:13:06 |
...l'm proud of what you're doin'. |
| 01:13:08 |
I always knew that, Uncle Michael. |
| 01:13:14 |
Well, now you take care of yourself, |
| 01:13:16 |
'cause there's a lot |
| 01:13:19 |
It's OK. As long as there's |
| 01:13:26 |
If there's anything I can do... |
| 01:13:29 |
Maybe I can send |
| 01:13:31 |
That's all right. |
| 01:13:32 |
We captured a lot of them |
| 01:13:36 |
Besides, I think most |
| 01:13:41 |
But I'd really appreciate it |
| 01:13:43 |
if you could check in on Lily |
| 01:13:46 |
Yeah, I will. No problem. |
| 01:13:49 |
You've made Josh so happy. |
| 01:13:51 |
- Thanks, Jilly. |
| 01:13:57 |
Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael. |
| 01:13:59 |
This time I know our side will win. |
| 01:14:34 |
- Ow! |
| 01:14:36 |
Aah! |
| 01:14:38 |
Aah! |
| 01:14:40 |
Aah! |
| 01:14:41 |
[Muffled screams] |
| 01:14:42 |
Ow! |
| 01:14:44 |
- [Boy] Help! |
| 01:14:46 |
Aah! |
| 01:14:48 |
Aah! |
| 01:14:50 |
Don't worry, Josh! |
| 01:14:51 |
- [Screams] |
| 01:15:02 |
Thought I'd find you here. |
| 01:15:05 |
He's a good kid. |
| 01:15:09 |
I feel so useless. |
| 01:15:12 |
Well, you could start by being |
| 01:15:13 |
as big a pain in the ass to |
| 01:15:17 |
Like makin' a movie |
| 01:15:20 |
In Hollywood? Fat chance. |
| 01:15:22 |
Sorry for bein' such a jerk. |
| 01:15:23 |
Sorry I made you listen |
| 01:15:26 |
Ah, forget it. |
| 01:15:27 |
Hey, you want to grab a sandwich? |
| 01:15:28 |
I'd love to. Used to get |
| 01:15:31 |
Before you got t-boned by that car. |
| 01:15:35 |
[Patton] Tough day. |
| 01:15:37 |
[Malone] What do you think |
| 01:15:40 |
[Patton] Let's not go there. |
| 01:15:43 |
[Grandpa] From then on, |
| 01:15:46 |
the Fourth of July, |
| 01:15:47 |
and he did what he could |
| 01:15:50 |
But most important, he devoted himself |
| 01:15:52 |
to spreading a message of his hero. |
| 01:15:55 |
My fellow Americans, |
| 01:15:56 |
My fellow Americans, |
| 01:15:57 |
ask not what your country |
| 01:16:00 |
but rather, ask, uh... |
| 01:16:04 |
You know, I don't think JFK |
| 01:16:07 |
- It's become such a... |
| 01:16:11 |
Oh, cut! |
| 01:16:14 |
Fire his ass. |
| 01:16:17 |
That's my boy. |
| 01:16:19 |
God bless us, everyone. |
| 01:16:20 |
[Malone and Timmy] |
| 01:16:23 |
[Grandpa] And it turned out |
| 01:16:26 |
that showed good things about America. |
| 01:16:28 |
- [girl] Grandpa! |
| 01:16:31 |
Hey. It's just a story. |
| 01:16:35 |
[Kennedy] My fellow Americans, |
| 01:16:37 |
ask not what your country |
| 01:16:40 |
but rather ask what you can do |
| 01:16:44 |
[Malone] Cut! Print! |
| 01:16:45 |
[¶ Trace Adkins: |
| 01:18:05 |
[¶ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] |
