Man of the Year

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00:00:45 Stand by, lights, for cue one.
00:00:47 Welcome to "The Tom Dobbs Show."
00:00:58 Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.
00:01:01 Take your seats, please.
00:01:05 This story might fall under the heading of
00:01:10 It started on August 20th.
00:01:13 At 7 p.m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful
00:01:20 was talking to the audience during the warm-up
00:01:24 Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show.
00:01:29 and some critics have said that too.
00:01:31 But I'm just here to talk to you,
00:01:36 Sorry.
00:01:38 I'll back up now for harassment reasons.
00:01:40 The government said recently... Well, a lot of people
00:01:45 But NASA actually spent $28 million
00:01:48 to develop a fountain pen
00:01:52 The Russians solved the same problem
00:01:54 with five-cent pencil.
00:01:58 Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity.
00:02:03 If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought
00:02:07 "Up ahead, take a right." I opened the door
00:02:13 But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.
00:02:17 You'll get on the scale and the scale will go,
00:02:23 I notice many of you with little cellphones.
00:02:27 Hold on, I got a call. Hello.
00:02:30 No, I'll make it louder. Hold on.
00:02:34 Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.
00:02:37 Oh, wait. I got mail.
00:02:41 It was during a Q and A
00:02:45 - Yes, ma'am.
00:02:47 I feel so frustrated with the political system
00:02:53 Maybe you should run for President.
00:03:01 The comment was quickly forgotten
00:03:05 Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated
00:03:10 and lack of accountability.
00:03:12 It's crazy. A woman tonight
00:03:20 Maybe I should.
00:03:21 Within three hours there were four million emails
00:03:27 Over the course of the next week,
00:03:31 The internet was on fire.
00:03:33 Over eight million emails.
00:03:35 It was a grass-roots movement
00:03:39 and the cult of personality.
00:03:41 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:03:44 We have a great show for you tonight,
00:03:47 On September 2nd
00:03:52 Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy
00:03:59 Did you write that? Where's the punch line?
00:04:03 Maybe it was sheer vanity,
00:04:06 or maybe it was because Tom believed
00:04:12 As Tom Dobbs' manager
00:04:16 and I wasn't exactly pleased.
00:04:17 Does this mean I'm out of a job?
00:04:19 Shortly thereafter,
00:04:24 That was part one
00:04:28 On the West Coast the second domino toppled over.
00:04:32 Voter confusion...
00:04:34 Endless recounts...
00:04:36 Unreliable results...
00:04:39 Democracy held hostage.
00:04:42 In today's America, technology empowers the public
00:04:47 And now, voting with confidence.
00:04:50 Introducing the Delacroy voting system.
00:04:53 Congress decided that Delacroy Systems
00:04:58 for computerized voting
00:05:01 In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.
00:05:04 For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.
00:05:08 It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.
00:05:12 It was of course a major coup
00:05:15 When the dubbed versions come in
00:05:18 Delacroy.
00:05:20 As C.E.O. of Delacroy, James Hemmings
00:05:26 In the bowels of the building,
00:05:32 I got the ballot from San Mateo
00:05:35 with the referendums, propositions
00:05:39 Why?
00:05:40 We've never run a configuration like this ballot,
00:05:45 Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.
00:05:47 It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.
00:05:50 Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what
00:05:55 Whether she was being diligent in her work,
00:05:57 whether she was obsessive-compulsive, or whether
00:06:03 But late that night she found something
00:06:07 Mills, I voted for you three times as much
00:06:14 Why did the President win?
00:06:17 Like a good, dedicated employee,
00:06:21 She wrote that something was wrong.
00:06:24 She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"
00:06:31 Hemmings read the email
00:06:33 and reacted as a C.E.O. whose stock fortune
00:06:37 If there really was a problem
00:06:41 so he ignored the memo
00:07:02 I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently
00:07:07 All right. I will address the issue.
00:07:10 The issue revolves around representation.
00:07:15 Our political leaders are too indebted
00:07:19 This country was founded on the principle
00:07:21 of government of the people,
00:07:25 We are the wealthiest nation
00:07:28 we are the most powerful nation on this planet,
00:07:30 and yet we can't educate our own children.
00:07:33 - Thought that went pretty well.
00:07:37 Don't start.
00:07:38 Everybody Loves Raymond
00:07:42 - Comedy sells. Can we remember that?
00:07:46 I don't care what you say, but say it with humor.
00:07:50 You give speech after speech, nothing's funny.
00:07:53 - They'll get funny when I'm back on the show.
00:07:56 I came on the campaign to talk about issues.
00:07:58 There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
00:08:01 Remember the motto "It's no joke?"
00:08:04 Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?
00:08:06 You're a comedian who talks about politics.
00:08:12 it's like wanting to get laid
00:08:16 You'll quickly discover something is missing.
00:08:19 We should have politicians who represent us
00:08:22 Whenever they want to distract you
00:08:26 they bring up a constitutional amendment
00:08:30 By spending time in Congress talking about that,
00:08:33 you deny other things -
00:08:36 I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.
00:08:40 That's where most of the money goes
00:08:43 Politicians have to spend so much money
00:08:47 This is where the special-interest groups start.
00:08:50 When you have a political campaign
00:08:53 you owe someone something
00:08:56 That's why I refuse to run television commercials.
00:08:59 Just be entertaining. Look at it this way.
00:09:03 Richard Pryor in his prime,
00:09:07 Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting.
00:09:09 If there's no candles, Richard.
00:09:11 But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"
00:09:14 "What? Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"
00:09:26 He's in the debate?
00:09:29 He's in the debate!
00:09:31 - Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate!
00:09:34 They're gonna let him participate in the debate.
00:09:38 - Oh, my God!
00:09:40 We can write it, but is he gonna do any of it?
00:09:43 - Praise the internet!
00:09:58 The following is a quote
00:10:02 "All candidates who demonstrate
00:10:06 "going into the final 30 days of an election
00:10:09 "should be included in debates." Unquote.
00:10:11 Yes!
00:10:17 Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's
00:10:22 He's by far the strongest of the independents
00:10:28 I'm more than confident
00:10:32 and my relationship with the voting public.
00:10:34 And my hair.
00:10:37 Oh...
00:10:38 I think the first thing you gotta do
00:10:42 that the other candidates
00:10:46 It goes back to the Johnson thing.
00:10:48 President Johnson said he wanted to accuse
00:10:54 His staffer said, "How can you prove that?"
00:10:57 He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."
00:11:00 - Seriousness of purpose.
00:11:04 The air will be full of bullshit.
00:11:08 They'll thank their wives, children,
00:11:12 This is our night to shine, Tom.
00:11:16 It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall
00:11:21 It's not what they go to see.
00:11:23 How many analogies do you have left?
00:11:25 How many does it take to make my point?
00:11:30 I didn't mean to yell.
00:11:46 You gotta cut loose. In this debate,
00:11:50 Yeah, but may I reiterate?
00:11:52 They got me in
00:11:55 - That's why we're in this debate.
00:11:58 You wanna talk about a serious issue,
00:12:01 Wait a second.
00:12:05 When there's a debate...
00:12:07 When was the last time any human being,
00:12:11 - "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"
00:12:15 "Oh, my God! My eyes are open
00:12:17 All they remember is Nixon sweating
00:12:21 That's not good.
00:12:23 I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without
00:12:29 More and more people are watching your show,
00:12:32 News from comedians. How crazy is that?
00:12:35 Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.
00:12:38 I hope this doesn't sound silly,
00:12:43 OK? And, Tom, with all due respect,
00:12:49 Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
00:12:53 I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there.
00:12:57 She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts
00:13:03 You mean I have to get married before the debate?
00:13:05 Campaign during the day, date at night.
00:13:09 It's not a bad idea really, is it?
00:13:14 Here's our first contestant. Your name, please?
00:13:17 Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.
00:13:19 Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant No. 2, your name?
00:13:22 My name is Miss Sogyny.
00:13:24 Yes, I thought he was really hot.
00:13:26 But when I found out about his radical
00:13:30 I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.
00:13:32 I want a man who's not afraid
00:13:36 Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud
00:13:41 It's a piece-of-shit idea that could work.
00:13:44 Yeah, but you're running...
00:13:46 You're running
00:13:50 Why do you think they wanted you to run? To listen
00:13:54 - I can barely listen to you talk about issues.
00:13:59 In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.
00:14:03 I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work.
00:14:23 You gotta go to makeup, Tom.
00:14:27 Menken.
00:14:53 - Look at this.
00:14:55 - This is nuts.
00:15:00 - No.
00:15:02 You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.
00:15:05 I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards.
00:15:11 In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.
00:15:14 One of those pump things with gasoline.
00:15:18 You gonna have coffee?
00:15:20 - Because I need it to stay awake.
00:15:25 - How long have you been smoking?
00:15:30 Since you were seven.
00:15:32 My father was a big smoker.
00:15:34 While President Kellogg and Senator Mills
00:15:36 have spent approximately $195 million apiece
00:15:43 Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.
00:15:45 He refuses to spend money on media,
00:15:49 Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17%
00:15:57 - You want a beer or soda?
00:16:00 ...compared to a network show, he has been
00:16:05 - We got some clips. Are they ready?
00:16:08 Here's some excerpts.
00:16:10 Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced
00:16:15 with breast implants.
00:16:17 The number of rear-end collisions
00:16:21 A lot of guys just like to bump their car
00:16:25 Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard
00:16:28 and said, "It's my choice.
00:16:33 You know, I didn't mention this
00:16:37 I was always hoping in my own heart
00:16:41 just so you could have the nuns
00:16:47 I was thinking that would bring
00:16:56 - You've got really great skin.
00:17:01 - A little bit of a tan.
00:17:05 I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
00:17:09 - George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill?
00:17:13 You wanna get married?
00:17:17 - Interested?
00:17:20 We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue,
00:17:23 Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand
00:17:28 Are you nervous?
00:17:29 Why else would I propose
00:17:33 - But you have your own TV show.
00:17:37 You've got two minutes, Tom.
00:18:15 Here we go.
00:18:17 Good evening.
00:18:20 between the major candidates
00:18:24 The candidates are:
00:18:28 the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
00:18:30 and for the first time included in tonight's debate,
00:18:36 My name is Faith Daniels
00:18:39 - for tonight's 90-minute debate which is coming...
00:18:42 - Cleavage. Is that legal?
00:18:45 The format has been agreed to by representatives
00:18:51 There is no subject matter that's restricted.
00:18:55 As always, each candidate will have
00:18:59 The order of those, as well as the formal questioning
00:19:05 Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome.
00:19:09 Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain your decision
00:19:14 I decided to run
00:19:19 I'm tired of the Republican Party
00:19:22 - Edgy!
00:19:24 It's a Mr. Potato candidate.
00:19:26 Basically, you have a thing here where,
00:19:32 Behind closed doors,
00:19:34 When you read the transcripts,
00:19:38 I think there must be an open bar somewhere.
00:19:42 The bottom line is,
00:19:46 They're responsible to the people,
00:19:49 and definitely not lobbyists.
00:19:52 - That's why I want to run for President.
00:19:55 - You have one minute remaining on your time.
00:19:59 - Can I get a refund?
00:20:04 Senator Mills,
00:20:07 First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank
00:20:12 I'd also like to thank my wife and children,
00:20:18 - This guy smiles so much, it's upsetting me.
00:20:24 And if I may reiterate
00:20:28 with respect to family, children, wives
00:20:33 and the enormously important role that they play
00:20:37 and in my case, success:
00:20:40 - my love to them, my love to all of you who...
00:20:43 - He's talking about his wife and children.
00:20:48 Thank you so much.
00:20:50 And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate
00:20:56 President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.
00:20:58 I am in total agreement,
00:21:02 that security measures have got to remain tough.
00:21:05 Thank you.
00:21:09 Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be
00:21:13 - Come on.
00:21:14 - Do it.
00:21:17 If you've ever been through passport control,
00:21:21 eventually you get to an immigration officer
00:21:26 He looks at your passport picture,
00:21:28 says, "Why did you have your hair cut?"
00:21:32 They have a video camera that takes a picture
00:21:36 They're very tough about that.
00:21:38 - He's got to make his move.
00:21:40 Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country,
00:21:44 are crossing the border
00:21:48 - Hit 'em again!
00:21:51 They ask you tough questions like,
00:21:54 You start to doubt yourself.
00:21:58 "I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation.
00:22:05 And then...
00:22:08 The next thing you know, they're patting down
00:22:12 Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady
00:22:16 basically, game's over, folks.
00:22:19 And when they start to put on that rubber glove
00:22:23 "Maybe we should have dinner first
00:22:26 I'm saying let's have real security,
00:22:30 - Whoa! Yeah!
00:22:33 Oh!
00:22:35 - I... fully support hydrogen cars.
00:22:40 - You'll have your turn, Mr. Dobbs.
00:22:43 Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate
00:22:49 If you're in bed with oil companies,
00:22:52 - It's like being a kosher pig farmer.
00:22:55 - This is not your talk show.
00:22:59 flying to the golf vacation you took with
00:23:03 - Wow.
00:23:06 Or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane?
00:23:10 No smoking in the hydrogen...
00:23:13 - Mr. Dobbs, please.
00:23:16 It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile,
00:23:20 We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane -
00:23:25 - Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol.
00:23:30 If you get stopped by the police, say,
00:23:34 Or maybe helium, 'cause if you have a helium car...
00:23:38 if you have a helium car and you get rear-ended...
00:23:43 You have got to return to your podium.
00:23:47 - Can we get some order here?
00:23:51 - Your Treasury Department lost $28 million!
00:23:56 Tell me that you are not receiving major
00:24:01 - Boom!
00:24:06 If this is a debate,
00:24:09 You should be accountable for who you are.
00:24:11 The voters should know what you represent,
00:24:14 and if you represent special-interest groups,
00:24:18 We'd be in the Senate with our suits on,
00:24:22 it'd be like little patches
00:24:24 "Vioxx - the backaches end,
00:24:28 Put the big one on the back:
00:24:31 Smack down!
00:24:33 It's all about accountability...
00:24:35 We have a format that we have agreed upon.
00:24:38 - For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here.
00:24:44 Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me?
00:24:46 Can you get control of this, please?
00:24:50 We deal in weapons of mass distraction.
00:24:54 He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants
00:24:59 It's an emotional issue!
00:25:02 but if you go online right now,
00:25:05 Wow!
00:25:07 You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong
00:25:14 - It's all about distractions!
00:25:17 No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass
00:25:22 Anybody who's ever been married knows
00:25:25 - Mr. Dobbs!
00:25:28 - What's up with that?
00:25:29 It's a distraction! They point over here,
00:25:33 You don't want an amendment to the Constitution
00:25:38 - Please do not make a mockery of this.
00:25:42 - Return to your podium.
00:25:49 Now we got applause. This is wonderful.
00:25:51 We're absolutely out of control.
00:25:53 - $200 billion, you could buy a few books!
00:26:04 It's hard to say
00:26:06 either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.
00:26:09 He did make some issues come home to people,
00:26:13 he may have scored points.
00:26:15 Good point.
00:26:19 it was very pointed and very to the point.
00:26:21 He was making political points through his comedy,
00:26:25 How good the politics is,
00:26:28 It's going to be difficult to assess
00:26:32 to the level of undisciplined behavior
00:26:35 - I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.
00:26:38 Can you go see Tom right away?
00:26:42 Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!
00:26:48 Who gives a shit what talking heads think?
00:26:51 When I first saw you,
00:26:56 You talked too fast - couldn't understand you
00:27:00 These politicians today look like
00:27:04 They're already in their suits,
00:27:07 You wanna be like them?
00:27:11 All bets are off.
00:27:12 You're a good candidate, Tom -
00:27:18 What?
00:27:23 ...you could be... an even better one.
00:27:26 Are you all right?
00:27:30 - What's wrong?
00:27:38 Let's get you to the hospital.
00:28:02 It's his emphysema. He has a problem with
00:28:08 There seems to be a link between smoking
00:28:14 It'll be the first time
00:28:17 You do what you did tonight
00:28:31 The old bastard's right. Look at that.
00:28:35 I'm shaking it up there.
00:28:37 Forget trying to be presidential.
00:28:44 I gotta play my game.
00:28:47 They thought I was wild in the debate?
00:28:53 I'm back.
00:28:54 How do you answer the allegations
00:28:58 I definitely was, yes. I did inhale,
00:29:03 - You're not denying these charges?
00:29:08 - Do you think it'll affect the campaign?
00:29:11 When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures
00:29:17 At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.
00:29:19 When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.
00:29:23 I once had a blind date that I left in the theater.
00:29:27 That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with.
00:29:32 If you find any other nonsense
00:29:36 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:29:38 It's gonna be a whole new ball game,
00:29:43 Are you tired of the Democratic Party?
00:29:47 Are you tired of the Republican Party?
00:29:50 Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?
00:29:54 Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists
00:29:59 Then I... I have an idea:
00:30:03 You don't have to vote.
00:30:06 - No!
00:30:08 You'll get a more interesting cross section
00:30:14 Do you want a better healthcare system?
00:30:18 You have an HMO that says,
00:30:22 You can have a hard-on,
00:30:24 - We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah!
00:30:27 We're not just talking liberal or conservative -
00:30:31 Recently, a lot of the past administrations said
00:30:37 If it was unpatriotic to question the government,
00:30:42 The Boston Tea Party
00:30:45 It was a lot of guys in Boston going,
00:30:53 We're talking about freedom of speech.
00:30:56 practicing any religion you want,
00:30:59 You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist.
00:31:04 We're talking about freedom of religion.
00:31:08 You have people saying,
00:31:11 Look at the human body.
00:31:14 You have a waste-processing plant
00:31:19 They attack environmentalists:
00:31:22 I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree."
00:31:24 "If you find the right naughty pine,
00:31:28 "Who's your woodsman?
00:31:31 I'm not just a tree-hugger,
00:31:34 It's bad enough with the squirrels going...
00:31:41 If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be
00:31:47 "They're good eating once you get past the tumors."
00:31:54 That's why we're here -
00:31:57 You wanna shake it up!
00:32:03 Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together,
00:32:06 moving forward, because the future is now!
00:32:15 Oh, yeah!
00:32:17 Yeah!
00:33:00 You're the greatest!
00:33:01 - Thank you.
00:33:04 - It's eight hours back to Chicago.
00:33:09 Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak,
00:33:15 What's new?
00:33:18 Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes
00:33:23 You're so thoughtful.
00:33:26 - It's my middle name.
00:33:34 Exit polls are very close.
00:33:36 Kellogg and Mills are running about even,
00:33:54 As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by
00:33:59 Connecticut and Massachusetts.
00:34:01 But in all three states, the numbers are very close.
00:34:04 See the numbers?
00:34:07 It looks as if Delaware now is going to
00:34:12 - What do you mean, it's not computing right?
00:34:16 An unusual turn of events in Virginia:
00:34:21 comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.
00:34:24 That will surprise
00:34:26 The Dobbs numbers have been increasing
00:34:29 Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%.
00:34:32 So, if this vote holds true in Virginia,
00:34:34 Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.
00:34:37 Yeah!
00:34:52 Ding-dong!
00:34:53 - Ready for your piña colonic?
00:34:56 Thought I'd spend the evening
00:34:59 - How about Virginia?
00:35:05 A little intensive care package here.
00:35:09 - A good month.
00:35:11 OK. A little cheese and pâté -
00:35:15 Sit.
00:35:17 Comedian Tom Dobbs has won
00:35:21 a blue and a red state,
00:35:22 which indicates
00:35:26 It's gonna be interesting.
00:35:28 You're not gonna win this election,
00:35:34 From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy
00:35:38 We're not hearing anything about
00:35:42 It seems that this has probably straightened out
00:36:07 - Excuse me.
00:36:09 - Have you looked at these numbers?
00:36:12 I emailed you. I told you I thought
00:36:17 - I was told the glitch was limited to my computer.
00:36:21 What? Are you calling me a liar?
00:36:23 No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results,
00:36:29 - Why did you decide to test the system?
00:36:32 - Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count?
00:36:35 If you found a system error,
00:36:38 - I'm not sure.
00:36:42 why would you test the computer at such limits with
00:36:47 I... was just double-checking.
00:36:49 Do you want to destroy this company?
00:36:53 You understand the ramifications. Do you want to put
00:36:58 - Do ya?
00:37:01 Here it is: the people are voting, there is
00:37:05 The only sour note? They won't end up with
00:37:10 But we can celebrate the process. The democratic
00:37:15 Everybody's gonna be satisfied.
00:37:18 Unless somebody discloses
00:37:23 It will appear democracy is in the shithouse,
00:37:27 - Now, was that your motive?
00:37:30 America votes, a leader is chosen.
00:37:33 But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.
00:37:36 I... I just want to be truthful.
00:37:38 Perception of legitimacy is more important
00:37:43 Don't fuck with our democracy.
00:37:46 Every American believes their vote counts.
00:37:51 But the results of the election will be wrong!
00:37:56 - How do we know that?
00:37:58 Based on what? Guessing.
00:38:02 If you wanna tinker with it for a future election,
00:38:06 The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're
00:38:12 but do it alone and with an eye to the future,
00:38:16 because it is the future that interests us.
00:38:19 Now is the past.
00:38:22 As I understand it, there's no problem.
00:38:43 And?
00:38:47 And...
00:39:04 - I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs.
00:39:09 - So this is all part of the same computer error?
00:39:13 I'm going home.
00:39:16 Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program,
00:39:20 What does my legal counsel suggest, then?
00:39:22 I'm gonna make a phone call.
00:39:25 There was some research done
00:39:28 are getting their political news from Leno,
00:39:35 more than from newspapers
00:39:38 There you go. My thoughts exactly.
00:39:41 You're kidding me? Aw, come on!
00:39:44 It should be on the news any minute.
00:39:49 What? And Indiana? You're sure?
00:39:53 Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!
00:39:56 And Indiana goes to Dobbs.
00:40:01 It's just been confirmed
00:40:05 If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won
00:40:09 Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.
00:40:12 So New York wants a comedian as President.
00:40:15 Comedian Tom Dobbs...
00:40:18 With 99% of the vote in,
00:40:22 The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.
00:40:25 According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs
00:40:31 There are five more states to be counted
00:40:36 And it's possible, if he takes all five states,
00:40:39 that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.
00:40:43 I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a
00:40:53 This is the happiest night of my life...
00:40:57 and I can't stay awake.
00:41:01 Our exit polls have only in some cases
00:41:05 Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices...
00:41:08 ...close to the vest.
00:41:10 Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers,
00:41:16 In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills
00:41:59 ...they are still confident of an election victory.
00:42:02 Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum
00:42:05 Now, right after the debate,
00:42:08 but what we've seen since then is that the public
00:42:15 He has been formidable,
00:42:19 We are now going to go live back to Election Central,
00:42:25 Hold on to your hats, folks.
00:42:28 Tom Dobbs...
00:42:34 Comedian Tom Dobbs
00:42:50 At 01:23 East Coast time,
00:42:52 comedian Tom Dobbs
00:42:56 The free world will now be led by a comedian.
00:43:24 Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service.
00:43:29 You don't find this a little bit absurd?
00:43:37 Thanks for your honesty.
00:43:39 Always been a big fan of your work, sir.
00:43:48 Jack, you're the manager
00:43:55 Comedy Store to the White House.
00:44:00 We must look into computer fraud.
00:44:02 I mean, we've had problems in other states -
00:44:06 where it's not only questions of malfunction
00:44:11 Are these computers hackable?
00:44:13 There isn't a paper trail. It's not the way
00:44:19 Let's face it, the reality is a comedian
00:44:24 Case closed, end of discussion.
00:44:32 Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?
00:44:34 I looked at the IKEA catalog
00:44:37 but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer.
00:44:41 What was your vice president's response?
00:44:43 Shocked as the rest of us. "Guess I'll have
00:44:47 - Can we get back to questions of the cabinet?
00:44:50 It will be diverse
00:44:53 and people of no party affiliation.
00:44:55 I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of
00:45:01 That being said, if I had my druthers,
00:45:05 It'd be fun to think about what they're doing
00:45:08 Thank you, everyone.
00:45:12 It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.
00:45:29 - Hello?
00:45:32 Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention
00:45:36 - Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please.
00:45:42 - Hey, Angus. Cappuccino.
00:45:45 - I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.
00:45:49 Well, apparently it is, 'cause this is taking forever.
00:45:52 - It's forever.
00:45:54 - Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?
00:46:02 OK.
00:46:03 Didn't realize you were such a bitch.
00:46:10 Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.
00:46:13 Thanks.
00:46:15 - Cappuccino?
00:46:49 Oh! Ow. Ow.
00:46:52 Oh... shit.
00:46:55 Shit. Shit.
00:46:57 - Let me give you a hand.
00:46:59 - Just let me take care of it for you.
00:47:02 - It's no...
00:47:05 I got it.
00:47:07 OK.
00:47:09 I got it. I got it. I got it.
00:47:11 - Who stole my purse?
00:47:15 Did you empty out my purse?
00:47:21 - Did you touch my things?
00:47:24 You touched my things.
00:47:29 - I can't believe you touched my things.
00:47:32 You touched my things.
00:47:36 He went through my things!
00:47:43 Dammit.
00:47:47 I made a mess. I've made a mess.
00:47:51 I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess.
00:47:54 - But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up.
00:47:57 I'm gonna clean up my mess.
00:48:03 It's my mess. It's my mess.
00:48:06 Ellie?
00:48:08 - My mess.
00:48:22 We have a deadline.
00:48:25 there are roughly 7-8,000 slots to be filled,
00:48:30 7-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people?
00:48:32 Well, in LA, maybe.
00:48:34 Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.
00:48:37 We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions,
00:48:42 Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking
00:48:48 - Joke.
00:48:51 Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.
00:48:54 Phew, hope this works.
00:48:56 Oh, it'll work. I think.
00:49:11 Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.
00:49:18 Thank you. Nice tie.
00:49:21 President-elect Tom Dobbs
00:49:25 and, literally, brought down the House with laughter.
00:49:28 As word spread quickly,
00:49:32 to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.
00:49:35 That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be
00:49:42 It should be duly noted, Chairman,
00:49:44 that this not a scheduled visit,
00:49:49 so no rules have been violated,
00:49:52 between you, me and the world media.
00:49:56 I also have some disturbing news.
00:49:58 I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and
00:50:05 Other third thought I looked
00:50:08 I'm looking at the toxology report.
00:50:11 She's got Benzedrine, morphine,
00:50:16 Historians have written that our founding fathers
00:50:21 but they sometimes made difficult decisions,
00:50:27 What will they think about us 200-and-some years
00:50:32 Will they say that you're brave and brilliant?
00:50:37 Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?
00:50:41 We have a lot to live up to.
00:50:43 I think we can do it. I know we can do it.
00:50:48 You can't just say it didn't happen.
00:50:52 When have you ever known me
00:50:56 I'm even afraid of NyQuil.
00:51:01 I got a promotion.
00:51:04 - Oh, Danny.
00:51:07 They're just trying to pay you off.
00:51:09 They just don't want you talking
00:51:16 Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.
00:51:20 - Do you think anybody'll believe you?
00:51:22 Maybe because you flipped out
00:51:26 - I don't do drugs.
00:51:28 I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.
00:51:31 Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?
00:51:36 ...inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues -
00:51:41 He will.
00:51:56 Turn left.
00:51:57 OK.
00:52:05 - Talk to me, baby, talk to me.
00:52:10 OK.
00:52:12 FBI. FBI.
00:52:16 FBI.
00:52:18 FBI.
00:52:21 FBI.
00:52:22 I am now the manager
00:52:27 15% of the President's salary is nothing compared
00:52:33 This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make
00:00:23 Oh, I wish I could walk.
00:00:30 Oh, man.
00:00:35 Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
00:00:38 Eleanor Green, FBI.
00:00:40 Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.
00:00:43 - Everything all right?
00:00:46 Just fine.
00:00:48 I'm just here
00:00:57 I probably shouldn't have introduced myself.
00:01:00 No, you have to.
00:01:03 - Anyway, happy birthday again.
00:01:07 - I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.
00:01:11 - I can see that.
00:01:15 No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
00:01:17 Please. It's all right.
00:01:20 It's an old Irish tradition.
00:01:22 - You wanna dance?
00:01:24 They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?
00:01:29 Fat, but light on his feet.
00:01:36 Could we just talk and not move?
00:01:40 Sure.
00:01:59 So, what do you do
00:02:05 - It's that apparent?
00:02:08 You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?
00:02:11 Please. I've played in clubs for years.
00:02:13 Had to deal with drunks, hecklers,
00:02:18 I have an eye for that
00:02:22 Good. That's good.
00:02:24 Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you
00:02:45 - Too fast?
00:02:47 No, I'm...
00:02:49 So, what do you really do?
00:02:51 Um...
00:02:53 Well, I-I did work
00:02:58 But they had... cutbacks.
00:03:01 I... Laid off.
00:03:03 Laid off? I thought they were making
00:03:06 Well, it was a small cutback, actually.
00:03:09 It was a very small cutback, actually.
00:03:13 Oh, so would "fired"
00:03:16 - Well, if you wanna be picky...
00:03:20 ...with words, then yes,
00:03:22 then I guess fired...
00:03:25 fired would be it.
00:03:28 May I ask why?
00:03:33 - Oh, none of my business.
00:03:39 Look, you're having such a good time.
00:03:43 You have to do the birthday toast now.
00:03:44 OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.
00:03:47 Listen.
00:03:51 - Staffing up?
00:03:53 Tom. 60 seconds. OK.
00:03:56 - Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.
00:03:59 - That's not why I'm here.
00:04:03 And, you know, if you need anything,
00:04:17 Yeah! Yes, indeed!
00:04:21 To Jack Menken, a man who once said:
00:04:23 "If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with
00:04:28 I... I'm sorry.
00:04:31 He's so sensitive, someone once asked,
00:04:35 and he said, "I think gays have a right
00:04:39 To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.
00:04:42 - A great manager.
00:04:44 - Made you a star.
00:04:46 Made you the President,
00:04:50 God bless him.
00:05:34 - Danny, hi.
00:05:37 Are you alone?
00:05:39 - Yeah, why? What's going on?
00:05:43 I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.
00:05:47 You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...
00:05:50 No, but he should know, don't you think?
00:05:53 Let it go. Nothing good can possibly come
00:05:56 Is anyone trying to figure out
00:06:00 I don't know. You know,
00:06:03 They'd be going through the private channels
00:06:08 Ellie?
00:06:09 Good night, Danny.
00:06:16 - James Hemmings' office.
00:06:20 - Just a minute.
00:06:23 It's a Tom Dobbs. Is that the Tom Dobbs,
00:06:27 - Well, did you ask?
00:06:31 All right.
00:06:35 - James Hemmings.
00:06:39 Uh... yes, sir. Yes, of course.
00:06:41 I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
00:06:47 Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?
00:06:50 I need some information.
00:06:54 Yeah, well... I mean,
00:06:58 I know that she was fired by Delacroy.
00:07:00 Mm. Uh, look, I'm a little confused. Is she...
00:07:04 - is she applying for a job with you?
00:07:07 Did you meet with her personally?
00:07:09 Yes. That's how I knew that she was
00:07:13 - Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?
00:07:17 Did she mention that she had
00:07:21 - She had to be hospitalized.
00:07:25 I'm surprised she's there.
00:07:28 That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.
00:07:31 Do you know how I might reach her?
00:07:34 - I guess we both have a problem in that area.
00:07:38 Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.
00:07:40 Delacroy Systems has completed a deal
00:07:44 which will invest in their computer voting system.
00:07:46 With this announcement,
00:07:52 Come on!
00:07:55 S.
00:07:57 - Yeah, there are two of them.
00:08:01 - 900.
00:08:03 Yeah, two N's.
00:08:13 - 800.
00:08:15 Yeah, there are two of them.
00:08:18 I'd like to buy a vowel.
00:08:21 Well, there are two I's.
00:08:27 - It'd be a good time to find a letter or two.
00:08:30 Or three. Yes.
00:08:37 Double G's before double L's.
00:08:42 Double B's before double G's.
00:08:51 Yes! Yes!
00:08:57 Double G's before double L's.
00:09:00 Double B's before double G's.
00:09:06 It's alphabetical.
00:09:10 It's alphabetical.
00:09:14 OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down
00:09:17 - Evidently not.
00:09:20 Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in
00:09:25 - Do we know where she is?
00:09:29 - What's the matter?
00:09:31 You're unhappy about what?
00:09:34 - What do you think I'm unhappy about?
00:09:37 - I never agreed.
00:09:40 First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK? And if
00:09:46 - You want me to be the turkey?
00:09:49 - You want me to be the turkey?
00:09:51 Tom here.
00:09:53 - Hi.
00:09:56 - Yes.
00:09:58 We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.
00:10:02 An outing?
00:10:06 Good, good. Give me an address.
00:10:23 Eleanor! We're going paintballing.
00:10:26 I brought you some camouflage and thermals
00:10:32 - What?
00:10:52 I can't believe it.
00:10:56 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
00:10:59 - Are you all right?
00:11:14 - I'm out.
00:11:18 I'm out of ammo!
00:11:24 The president-elect's just been shot.
00:11:27 He's dead. Let's go round them up.
00:11:29 What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh?
00:11:33 That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.
00:11:37 - Did that hurt?
00:11:40 I'm sorry.
00:11:43 Hey.
00:11:44 Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?
00:11:47 Sure. We have to walk away
00:11:54 Um... do they have listening devices?
00:11:56 No, they can't hear.
00:12:00 OK.
00:12:01 Um...
00:12:03 Because I haven't been...
00:12:06 uh...
00:12:11 I haven't been forthright with you
00:12:14 Maybe "forthright"... God.
00:12:17 Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.
00:12:22 Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really
00:12:27 I mean, OK, I don't know you.
00:12:31 No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs,
00:12:35 You got a lot of setup here.
00:12:38 It's too much of a lead-in.
00:12:42 - You're going to be President of the United States.
00:12:50 - Maybe that's not so bad.
00:12:55 Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy
00:12:59 I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.
00:13:02 I can make this a lot easier for you.
00:13:04 What do you mean? How?
00:13:06 - Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.
00:13:09 Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you.
00:13:14 I wanted to see you.
00:13:18 - You did?
00:13:22 - You wanted to see me.
00:13:25 Wow.
00:13:29 - God. That's good.
00:13:32 - No, it's good.
00:13:37 Oh, no. No, no, no.
00:13:40 - It's all right.
00:13:42 - It doesn't bother me.
00:13:45 but the Secret Service
00:13:48 By the way, drug dealers
00:13:53 I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.
00:13:59 - There's no drug problem.
00:14:02 - There's a lot to discuss here.
00:14:07 That just doesn't look clear to me.
00:14:10 - Yeah, maybe.
00:14:12 Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
00:14:17 - I like it crispy. I like a nice crunchy skin.
00:14:22 - Just wanna make myself heard.
00:14:24 - I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.
00:14:28 Look at this old C-SPAN.
00:14:33 Harkin's speaking about an amendment
00:14:36 How do you get people in their seats?
00:14:38 - They have things to do.
00:14:40 Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.
00:14:45 They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people
00:14:53 This makes golf look like porn.
00:15:02 Shouldn't you be giving that up?
00:15:06 Did you know there were once ads
00:15:09 that said four out of five doctors
00:15:12 Come on. You're kidding me.
00:15:14 - Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
00:15:18 There was one slogan before my time:
00:15:21 "Not a cough in the carload."
00:15:25 It's a little too late now.
00:15:29 I'm sorry.
00:15:42 You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
00:15:47 Unfortunately, I do.
00:15:49 I see that.
00:16:32 - I have to talk to you in private.
00:16:35 - Yes.
00:16:53 Thanks.
00:17:00 You've got a great group.
00:17:02 Ellie, whatever your problem is...
00:17:05 What? You can fix my problem?
00:17:07 Is this the president-elect speaking
00:17:13 - Just Tom Dobbs.
00:17:15 Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President
00:17:28 It's true.
00:17:31 There was a problem
00:17:35 I tried to warn them. It's that error that's made you
00:17:39 - I didn't win?
00:17:42 - What do you want me to do?
00:17:44 I had to say it. I've been living with this.
00:17:48 - Do you want to go public with this?
00:17:50 I could, but nobody would believe me.
00:17:53 But somebody has to know.
00:17:56 I mean, I don't know.
00:17:59 Maybe it is best that you're the next President
00:18:06 Out of curiosity...
00:18:09 - did you vote for me?
00:18:11 I don't vote.
00:18:14 Politicians will say anything in the world
00:18:18 Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.
00:18:21 I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned.
00:18:25 I'm gonna talk this over with Menken.
00:18:29 - No, I can't.
00:18:31 - Tom, I can't!
00:18:34 I had to tell you.
00:18:43 Happy Thanksgiving.
00:18:49 Happy Thanksgiving.
00:19:07 Is something wrong?
00:19:12 You guys have a fight?
00:19:15 She knows a lot about computers.
00:19:19 Should I be impressed?
00:19:23 It's improbable, me winning the election.
00:19:26 Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only
00:19:30 "is that fiction needs to be credible."
00:19:33 We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.
00:19:36 She just told me
00:19:38 Whoops.
00:19:40 Computer malfunction.
00:19:43 - She knows this? For sure?
00:19:47 She tried to warn the Delacroy Company
00:19:50 - You don't believe her, do you?
00:19:55 I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings
00:19:58 It's hard to believe
00:20:01 I never met anybody who'd say,
00:20:04 Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
00:20:07 - She knows what she's talking about.
00:20:11 So... what's she gonna do?
00:20:14 Nothing. She left it up to me.
00:20:17 Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy's not gonna say
00:20:24 there's no problem.
00:20:25 - No problem?
00:20:27 - Oh, like nothing happened?
00:20:31 If you tell a joke and it stinks
00:20:37 I'm President, but not really.
00:20:39 This is where we are.
00:20:44 I never told you which gigs to take,
00:20:47 but to me this decision is a slam dunk.
00:20:53 Yeah.
00:21:09 Tom?
00:21:10 Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock
00:21:14 and tell the American people that
00:21:20 I'm so sorry.
00:21:22 I-I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
00:21:40 Danny, I told him.
00:21:42 Why did you tell him?
00:21:45 I had to. And now I hate myself.
00:21:48 Does he believe you?
00:21:49 He's calling a press conference at 11
00:21:53 Oh, shit. Look what you did.
00:21:56 I wish I hadn't told him.
00:21:58 I mean, I know I did the right thing.
00:22:02 And yet... And yet...
00:22:04 m-m-maybe I've done the wrong thing,
00:22:10 I mean, did I do the right thing
00:22:13 I know it's the right thing to do,
00:22:21 We've got to preempt his press conference.
00:22:28 And very early tomorrow morning.
00:23:03 - Press conference set up?
00:23:09 OK.
00:23:12 Jack? Jack?
00:23:14 Got a reporter says Delacroy's
00:23:17 Some big story,
00:23:20 This is what we got going on today.
00:23:22 They're called the Witches of November.
00:23:25 That's going to spread one to three inches of snow
00:23:28 I don't think there's any more than that,
00:23:32 It's a pretty closed-up system,
00:23:36 We interrupt this broadcast
00:23:41 We have some dirty laundry
00:23:44 Recently Delacroy had to dismiss
00:23:50 who was suffering severe psychological problems.
00:23:55 and subsequently discovered that she was heavily
00:24:01 We would have kept this private, but additional facts
00:24:05 We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated
00:24:12 - Tom here.
00:24:14 - What channel?
00:24:20 Her motives aren't quite clear to us,
00:24:23 apart from the fact that
00:24:27 to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt
00:24:34 We also know that the president-elect
00:24:38 but let me make this clear - we are not suggesting
00:24:44 - Pull over.
00:24:47 We have an extensive healthcare program.
00:24:50 Lots of people have psychological problems, mental
00:24:55 It's not something you sweep under the rug,
00:24:58 We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort
00:25:04 The good news is, all the computer voting systems
00:25:10 Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election
00:25:16 And that's all the information that we have at this time.
00:25:22 Take a look at this. Take a look at this.
00:25:26 She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out
00:25:31 Clearly a mental case. Hospital said
00:25:36 I believe her.
00:25:39 She didn't seem that crazy.
00:25:40 You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate
00:25:47 If what she says is true,
00:25:50 "If" is becoming a very large word.
00:25:52 Did you forget the first time we met her,
00:25:56 She said she knew about the computer fraud,
00:26:00 "By the way, you're not the President.
00:26:03 If she's not psychotic she's a stalker,
00:26:07 - Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.
00:26:10 A succubus is some sort of a demon
00:26:14 I was once a healthy man.
00:26:16 What are you talking about? Please, please stop.
00:26:19 Don't get off track.
00:26:46 Can I get change for this, please?
00:26:50 You're that Miss Green from the television.
00:26:53 I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.
00:26:57 - Did your uncle get ahold of you?
00:27:00 Your uncle. He was trying to call your room.
00:27:04 By the way, that machine doesn't work.
00:27:39 Yes, sir.
00:27:41 Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.
00:27:46 I think she may have figured out the glitch.
00:27:59 Bring it back, bring her back.
00:28:03 Yes, sir. When I find her,
00:28:07 Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes
00:28:12 Mm-hm.
00:28:14 Mm-hm.
00:28:15 Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech
00:28:21 What do I do?
00:28:22 Go be presidential.
00:28:39 ...speech today will give
00:28:45 Jack, I've been trying to call her
00:28:48 You have a busy schedule.
00:28:51 That's terrific.
00:28:52 Saturday Night Live wants you.
00:28:54 - Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?
00:28:57 - Do it.
00:28:58 Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were
00:29:03 It isn't like you were in some side street
00:29:07 You're so sensitive.
00:29:11 Yep, he'll do it.
00:29:15 It's hard to believe it's a year
00:29:18 but we are very pleased
00:29:21 I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic,
00:29:27 - How's that supposed to work?
00:29:29 ...Tom Dobbs!
00:29:32 Knock 'em dead.
00:29:43 Thank you very much.
00:29:45 I guess we should
00:29:48 because you've all heard there's
00:29:53 So I'll share the big scoop with you,
00:29:59 I'm not even President of the United States yet,
00:30:06 I did not have sex with that woman.
00:30:09 I wanted to.
00:30:11 I'm single.
00:30:14 And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is
00:30:21 In high school,
00:30:26 I would take myself out for dinner,
00:30:29 put on music that I liked,
00:30:31 have my way with myself and then go,
00:30:39 Pretty much the bottom line.
00:30:42 They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.
00:30:46 Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there,
00:30:53 I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,
00:30:56 we can have a sense of humor
00:30:59 You're allowed to make fun of those in power.
00:31:02 But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy.
00:31:06 They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to
00:31:11 12:30, no Hitler.
00:31:13 12:45, no Hitler.
00:31:15 One o'clock, no Hitler.
00:31:18 Finally one turns to the other and goes,
00:31:24 It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is
00:31:29 Red states, blue states.
00:31:31 There are no red and blue states, there's only the
00:31:37 That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars
00:31:42 Next thing you know
00:31:45 they're doing special favors for special people
00:31:49 Education, healthcare, environmental issues.
00:31:52 They have to deal with oil companies, chemical
00:31:59 And in the process, people get neglected.
00:32:02 The poor have no advocate,
00:32:07 The Statue of Liberty says,
00:32:10 not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed."
00:32:16 I worked out your bit with SNL.
00:32:19 - Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?
00:32:21 - She hasn't called me either.
00:32:24 I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers
00:32:28 Why?
00:32:29 - She said it made the sex with me more bearable.
00:32:33 Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids,
00:32:37 - Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.
00:32:41 This is a meet-and-greet, nothing more.
00:32:43 Oh, the house is so close to the street.
00:32:48 Whoa, boy, that's a desk.
00:32:51 I mean... wow.
00:32:53 I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean,
00:32:59 - Where do you do your writing?
00:33:05 Well, there's a lot of history
00:33:07 The first time I sat behind it,
00:33:11 Some of the greats and not-so-greats
00:33:15 Please.
00:33:16 Thank you.
00:33:25 Excuse me, Mr. President.
00:33:28 - Hello?
00:33:30 Eleanor? Hold on.
00:33:31 Mr. President, I'll just be a minute.
00:33:35 Tom, t-t-two guys broke into my hotel room.
00:33:38 Who? Who are they?
00:33:40 They're connected with Delacroy.
00:33:43 - Code? What code?
00:33:46 - Where are you now?
00:33:49 - Shopping?
00:33:51 - Why are you there?
00:33:55 Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.
00:33:59 - Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President.
00:34:02 I'm with the President of the US
00:34:04 You're with the President?
00:34:09 Look, Tom, I don't know what to do...
00:34:14 Tom? Hello?
00:34:15 Hello?
00:34:19 Sorry, sir.
00:34:27 Wow.
00:34:29 It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.
00:34:32 By the way, Mr. Dobbs,
00:34:35 I underestimated you.
00:34:38 Well, just between you and me, Mr. President,
00:34:50 Really? Why?
00:34:52 Oh, but that's so weird.
00:34:55 No, he said stuff to me.
00:34:59 But seri... Hold on a sec.
00:35:01 Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
00:35:03 I need a charger for this phone
00:35:07 We don't stock the charger for that anymore.
00:35:10 Well, it's not like it's a relic.
00:35:14 Well, there is a problem -
00:35:23 Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.
00:35:26 - Why does he want to see me?
00:35:28 Reasonable people
00:35:31 You figured out the computer glitch.
00:35:34 The Delacroy jet is at the private terminal.
00:35:47 Get in.
00:35:49 Get in.
00:36:04 Shit!
00:36:11 Yeah.
00:36:13 I'm tracking her on her GPS.
00:36:16 Uh-huh.
00:36:18 Yes, first opportunity I get
00:36:22 Uh-huh.
00:36:26 The FBI will confirm that you had no contact
00:36:31 You're off the hook in terms of being involved
00:36:35 Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier.
00:36:53 Oh, for God's sake.
00:37:16 Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight,
00:37:21 Why so soon?
00:37:23 Well, Menken thinks it's for the best.
00:37:27 Will you be disappointed to go back to television?
00:37:29 Oh, no. I have a glorious
00:37:32 - How so?
00:37:36 Why is that so bad?
00:37:37 If everything seems credible,
00:37:41 TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.
00:37:44 On one side there's this certifiable lunatic
00:37:49 Next to him is this noted, honored historian
00:37:54 And now there they sit, side by side.
00:37:59 Everything they say seems credible. And so,
00:38:04 We just stop listening.
00:38:06 In the Times, 60% of the voters
00:38:09 Well, yeah. He sounds different.
00:38:40 Hello?
00:38:41 - My cellphone died and some guy is after me.
00:38:45 - No, this is someone else.
00:38:48 I assume he's from Delacroy.
00:38:51 Eleanor, I... I think you need help.
00:38:53 He tried to abduct me from the mall!
00:38:55 In the mall. OK.
00:38:58 I think it has to do with the fact
00:39:03 She's in a phone booth off Route 173.
00:39:06 You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double L's,
00:39:09 but Kellogg trumps him with double G's
00:39:13 I don't know what that means, Eleanor.
00:39:17 I don't know. I don't know where I am.
00:39:21 I see a Christmas tree...
00:39:23 I don't know where I am.
00:39:25 - What do you want me to do now, sir?
00:39:29 She's running away now?
00:39:33 She's impossible. I don't know who she's talking to,
00:39:36 All right, go to the airport.
00:39:42 There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane, I'll take
00:39:47 Private terminal at the airport?
00:39:51 All right, I'll try.
00:39:59 Hello? Eleanor?
00:40:05 More on that breaking news.
00:40:09 It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington
00:40:14 and that is the Capital Beltway.
00:40:15 There has been one serious injury. Police have
00:40:23 Oh, my God.
00:40:24 - If that sounds familiar, it's the same Eleanor Green...
00:40:28 You have to see this!
00:40:32 Sir, we just got a report of an accident.
00:40:52 Not now, please.
00:40:54 Excuse me.
00:40:57 Are you with the ambulance?
00:40:59 - She's in a stable condition, sir.
00:41:06 Oh, shit. Why does he have
00:41:22 Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh. Apparently
00:41:34 - Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.
00:41:48 Double B... double L... double G.
00:41:52 Double B, double L, double G.
00:41:56 Double B...
00:41:59 double L... double G.
00:42:05 Double L, double G...
00:42:16 They're trying to discredit her.
00:42:21 I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.
00:42:23 Last night you were willing to give it all up.
00:42:27 Police said a truck lost control.
00:42:30 - She was trying to tell me something.
00:42:33 She said she knew what the computer glitch was.
00:42:38 Where's the proof?
00:42:42 We don't have time to keep playing this game.
00:42:45 She was trying to explain it to me.
00:42:48 She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L."
00:42:51 Whatever the hell happened,
00:42:54 Only one thing remains true -
00:43:00 You're either getting on that plane or not.
00:43:03 Tom, come January 20th,
00:43:08 Nothing can change that.
00:43:21 You coming?
00:43:54 From Studio 8H in the Rockefeller Center,
00:43:57 it's Weekend Update
00:44:01 - Hi. I'm Amy Poehler.
00:44:05 A Malaysian man,
00:44:09 died this week of heart complications.
00:44:11 Tragically, he would still be alive
00:44:20 Hey, I just went through the cue cards,
00:44:24 It's gonna work like a charm.
00:44:27 Do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes
00:44:32 - All right.
00:44:39 Forensic scientists say they have recreated
00:44:44 while Tom Dobbs has recreated how
00:44:59 ...and when the source is finally identified,
00:45:05 A report suggests that more species of birds
00:45:10 while other species only mate for votes.
00:45:14 This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team
00:45:20 However, Dobbs became upset when he learned
00:45:25 - I heard that!
00:45:27 Do we have a special guest?
00:45:38 Hello. Welcome.
00:45:42 President-elect Tom Dobbs.
00:45:48 Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.
00:45:51 I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope.
00:45:54 Thank you for coming.
00:45:57 Lovely. Thank you.
00:45:58 So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit
00:46:03 Those wigs, it's kind of nice.
00:46:05 I love the buckled shoe, though -
00:46:10 You can either get off the "Mayflower"
00:46:13 - They love him.
00:46:16 I'm thinking - and this is just out loud -
00:46:20 that I should go with the Manolo Blanco,
00:46:24 - To lift your ass.
00:46:27 Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.
00:46:31 Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion
00:46:36 - Not at all, no.
00:46:37 I guess that absolves you
00:46:41 So what do you make
00:46:44 Well, Tina, I have just one question:
00:46:49 - Well...
00:46:53 Because I think a woman can be obsessed
00:46:57 and I could be obsessed with Angelina -
00:47:04 And also you could say
00:47:08 women rushing the stage, fainting,
00:47:11 for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!"
00:47:14 But women don't rush the stage for comedians.
00:47:17 If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause
00:47:26 I threw my underpants at Britney Spears
00:47:33 God bless.
00:47:36 I thought you were gonna say
00:47:39 - That's a good re-write!
00:47:43 That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.
00:47:46 But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing.
00:47:49 How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election
00:47:53 I mean, where's the hanging chad?
00:47:55 Where's the governor being your brother?
00:47:59 Come on, where's the conspiracy in that?
00:48:03 And here's the real question:
00:48:13 What is the real answer?
00:48:15 - Thank you for picking that one up.
00:48:20 The bottom line is
00:48:24 that there was a computer glitch
00:48:28 She warned the chief executive of Delacroy,
00:48:31 but they decided to cover it up
00:48:35 It's not good for the stock offering, really.
00:48:38 The truth is, I'm not the elected President
00:48:44 Bottom line is it was a computer error.
00:48:49 HAL decided it liked me.
00:48:54 Today I was in the Oval Office
00:48:58 and I sat behind the President's desk
00:49:02 I sat there and went,
00:49:05 "A jester doesn't rule the kingdom,
00:49:09 And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,
00:49:14 I thought I was President of the United States
00:49:22 It's... I know. We're not on book anymore
00:49:27 We just usually do fake news and jokes.
00:49:30 We don't usually have real news and...
00:49:34 nonjokes.
00:49:37 So watch out, Oprah.
00:49:40 'Cause we're gonna go real, girl. But here's the deal.
00:49:47 Yeah, thank you.
00:49:50 And I know you voted for me
00:49:54 But you were voting for change,
00:49:57 Listen, you could vote for someone better.
00:50:01 You can do better than most politicians
00:50:04 and definitely don't put your faith in a machine
00:50:11 - So you don't want to be a part of the reelection?
00:50:17 This is where I belong, with folks like you,
00:50:21 Mark Twain said irreverence is
00:50:25 That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up,
00:50:29 How many of you think
00:50:33 - Whoo-hoo!
00:50:36 "I learnt to read."
00:50:40 Do you realize that 40% of American high-school
00:50:46 So Tom Dobbs walked away from being
00:50:50 OK, so he wasn't really elected,
00:50:57 Shortly thereafter,
00:51:01 I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise.
00:51:03 He was bigger than ever.
00:51:16 Everyone's gonna be writing
00:51:20 I just hope your honesty
00:51:24 I wanna do a show about gay farmers
00:51:28 Not for me.
00:51:34 Nothing but the best.
00:51:48 Yeah?
00:51:55 - Hey.
00:51:58 Like some company?
00:52:01 I left the night-light on.
00:52:04 Eleanor became his producer,
00:52:06 and close companion.
00:52:09 Lover. Later his wife.
00:52:11 The two Delacroy executives
00:52:15 because Eleanor's theories
00:52:20 For those of you thinking of getting implants,
00:52:24 A lot of people, they get the large ones.
00:52:27 Do something new for your boyfriend.
00:52:31 It's about the same.
00:52:36 You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats.
00:52:41 Also, remember the best birth control, ladies.
00:52:48 As for President Kellogg,
00:52:52 and in his second term
00:52:55 Not great, but better.
00:52:57 Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it.
00:53:01 But I like to think
00:53:05 I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen.
00:53:09 basically anonymous,
00:53:13 They should be changed frequently and for the same