Mean Machine

en
00:00:31 New car, Z?
00:00:34 For your information only,
00:00:37 Yes? Right. l'll be back in a sec'.
00:00:53 England captain,
00:00:57 is licensed to score with Umbro.
00:01:06 Licensed to get hammered, you mean.
00:01:54 Large whisky.
00:01:56 Do you want anything in that?
00:01:58 Yeah, a double.
00:02:01 lt's lively in here.
00:02:03 Didn't you use to be Danny Meehan?
00:02:06 Used to be.
00:02:08 Sir, we're going to
00:02:12 No need, officer. l'm totally pissed.
00:02:14 Come on, Danny. No trouble.
00:02:18 Oh, look, a miniature copper!
00:02:22 You'd better come along with us.
00:02:25 Don't be silly. Come on!
00:02:28 You are nicked, sunshine.
00:02:31 BBC news headlines.
00:02:34 This morning, ex England football captain
00:02:37 Danny Meehan was jailed for three years,
00:02:39 despite pleading guilty to assaulting
00:02:44 Meehan's downfall from the pinnacle
00:02:48 since match-fixing accusations ended
00:02:53 The judge showed little sympathy
00:02:57 imposing the maximum sentence.
00:02:59 Meehan showed no emotion
00:03:02 The former star will serve his sentence
00:03:08 ...famous for its rehabilitation programme,
00:03:11 reformed characters,
00:03:13 and modern conditions.
00:03:30 Open!
00:03:34 That's it. Get out!
00:03:35 Come on!
00:03:38 - Get away from the van.
00:03:40 Shut it! This is a category B nick,
00:03:46 You're nothing in here.
00:03:50 May the good Lord be with you.
00:03:54 He's a pretty boy.
00:03:58 Coming in.
00:04:02 Straight down the stairs.
00:04:04 Prisoner on the move.
00:04:06 Stay behind the line. Stand there.
00:04:10 - Valuables?
00:04:15 Sign it.
00:04:22 Here's your designer gear
00:04:25 What are you waiting for?
00:04:57 Captained his country,
00:05:00 73 caps for England,
00:05:05 That's un-bloody-English, that is.
00:05:19 Chief.
00:05:59 l'm the chief officer of this prison.
00:06:03 You call me ''Mr Burton, sir''.
00:06:07 You call him Mr Ratchett
00:06:10 Anybody in this uniform,
00:06:13 Right.
00:06:16 Mr Burton, sir.
00:06:20 Sometime tomorrow,
00:06:25 He wants you to coach my football team.
00:06:31 Little word of advice.
00:06:36 You're gonna smile nicely and say no.
00:06:40 - Move it!
00:06:42 What did you say? That's ''Mr Hayter, sir''
00:06:48 l think you need a little reminder
00:06:56 You won't coach our football team.
00:07:02 OK?
00:07:06 Stand there where l can see you.
00:07:11 Meehan, stow your kit top right.
00:07:14 All right, lads? New cellmate for you.
00:07:18 He used to be a somebody
00:07:29 Got plenty of time
00:07:33 Work assignment. C wing.
00:07:40 Got you an apprentice.
00:07:44 - Comedian.
00:07:49 - l've got some advice for you.
00:07:53 This will change your life.
00:07:56 Do you see that?
00:07:59 Some of the boys have a pony in the night,
00:08:05 Here, use this.
00:08:08 Glamorous job.
00:08:15 Come on!
00:08:21 Do you know who that is?
00:08:24 Meehan! Here.
00:08:26 Not the muscle, the other one.
00:08:29 - Christ, he's got old.
00:08:34 Still thinks he's Al Capone.
00:08:45 - You know who l am?
00:08:50 - l run this nick.
00:08:57 l lost a great deal of money on an
00:09:02 after one of the Englanders
00:09:07 after 72 minutes of playing time.
00:09:14 So l think that you owe me.
00:09:23 Come on, superstar. Tour's not over.
00:09:28 You know,
00:09:31 What's everyone's problem?
00:09:34 You really want to know?
00:09:37 Most of the guys in here have nothing,
00:09:41 But you, you had everything
00:09:46 and threw it all away.
00:09:54 Hey!
00:10:19 The superstar! Danny Meehan.
00:10:22 lt's the thingy, the...fuckin' hell...
00:10:25 ...the Mean Machine!
00:10:29 All the, you know,
00:10:33 - Funnily enough, no.
00:10:37 l know all about fame.
00:10:41 The late '80s, all around the raves,
00:10:45 l was the top fucking kiddy.
00:10:47 My food?
00:10:49 Danny boy.
00:10:53 Anything you need,
00:11:06 Anything you want, l can get it for you.
00:11:10 l've just had that from Mr Fix lt,
00:11:13 Nitro? Keep away from him, mate.
00:11:17 - so that he can hustle them.
00:11:21 lf you want any of life's little luxuries -
00:11:24 chocolate, toothpaste, soft toilet paper -
00:11:28 - Massive is your man.
00:11:32 lt's ironic.
00:11:36 - All right, Raj, you be black.
00:11:39 Just chill. You've got a black nose.
00:11:42 You saying l'm black? That makes me
00:11:47 The neighbourhood celeb's in town.
00:11:49 - Put the kettle on.
00:11:52 - l never asked to be put in here.
00:11:54 - l don't need this.
00:11:59 Let me tell you what we don't need.
00:12:05 Ain't nothing personal, pal.
00:12:10 - Our star looks beat, Trojan.
00:12:14 - Yeah, him have a hard day at work.
00:12:45 The legendary Broadhurst Monk.
00:12:48 Shipped in about six months ago,
00:12:53 Why?
00:12:55 Apparently,
00:13:00 - Maybe l should take up karate.
00:13:05 They don't mess with him, not even
00:13:18 - ls that the famous footballer?
00:13:20 He's just a number now.
00:13:24 Chief.
00:13:25 Stand there.
00:13:29 Danny Meehan.
00:13:31 Well, it is a pleasure to meet you.
00:13:33 l'm a big football fan. Big.
00:13:38 What do you think of amateur football?
00:13:41 lt's amateur.
00:13:45 Yes. Well, l'm sure we're not a match for
00:13:51 Southern Division, semi pro's.
00:13:54 And we have a chance of winning
00:13:58 We have been runners-up before,
00:14:06 l want you to train the team,
00:14:12 Well, l haven't played football for years,
00:14:16 l'm a little bit
00:14:25 l pulled a lot of strings
00:14:30 l'm sorry.
00:14:33 l'm just not your man.
00:14:38 We'll stick a pin in it for now.
00:14:40 Out.
00:14:42 - Mr Burton, a quick word, if l may.
00:14:46 l've spent a fortune on this team,
00:14:49 l am the coach of this team...
00:14:51 With the money l spent
00:14:54 You can't put a prisoner
00:14:57 Just get it done. Please.
00:15:02 - l wouldn't get too close, miss.
00:15:06 Only if you've got the ball, miss.
00:15:10 Hey, Danny boy. l can get you anything,
00:15:17 - ls that stink you, Meehan?
00:15:22 Don't you start growing a spine, footballer.
00:15:25 Bollocks!
00:15:34 Hands behind your neck.
00:15:36 Hands behind your neck.
00:15:43 Let go of my neck. Let go of me.
00:15:46 Let go of me.
00:15:57 Pack it in.
00:16:03 lt wasn't me!
00:16:07 lt's not me, you bastards.
00:16:22 Razzle Dazzle.
00:16:26 £5,000, please. To win.
00:16:33 All this lovely fresh air.
00:16:36 Wouldn't you rather be
00:16:40 l just wanna keep my head down.
00:16:44 1 2 months, yes, but that's with parole.
00:16:48 And that's before
00:16:51 - and attacked my staff.
00:16:53 Three years, that's your sentence.
00:17:02 Take him back to solitary.
00:17:22 - Have a nice week's holiday?
00:17:26 - There is a way out.
00:17:28 Listen, convince the governor
00:17:31 is to play a tough match against a team
00:17:37 Pro's always have a pre-season friendly.
00:17:44 What do you think, Mr Burton?
00:17:50 Could be a win/win for everybody.
00:17:53 Could this work, Meehan?
00:17:56 Yeah, but l need time to prep,
00:18:00 l could get a real FA ref. There's one
00:18:06 One more thing: what goes on
00:18:12 - Deal?
00:18:17 l am a marketing genius.
00:18:24 You'd better get yourself some rest,
00:18:28 We'll see.
00:18:31 - Remember, anything you need.
00:18:36 - Yeah? That's not what l heard.
00:18:39 l could have been a pro. l was very good.
00:18:41 They were gonna take me on, only l had
00:18:45 The old knees, l suppose, yeah?
00:18:50 Bomb-making.
00:18:53 Otherwise, you know...
00:18:55 Well, l'm sure
00:18:58 l've gotta go, but l'll catch you later.
00:19:04 All right, Nitro?
00:19:06 Dickhead.
00:19:08 Yes, Razzle Dazzle. Came second?
00:19:12 What's the problem, darlin'?
00:19:14 - That's not possible.
00:19:18 That's not possible.
00:19:20 l think you owe me five G, darlin'.
00:19:25 So, what happened to your marketing?
00:19:28 lt's early days yet.
00:19:32 Danny, over here, mate.
00:19:35 Here we go.
00:19:39 Yes. Now, l can say l've had a kick-about
00:19:43 Burnin' in me head!
00:19:48 lt's all right. l'll go and get it.
00:19:55 Found a new bum chum, have we?
00:19:58 Makes you feel big, does he?
00:20:02 Once he finds his feet in here,
00:20:06 You jumped up little shit.
00:20:08 Mr Ratchett, sir,
00:20:11 l do believe that you watched too many
00:20:17 Don't you get smart with me.
00:20:21 Now get out of my sights.
00:20:37 - What happened to you?
00:20:42 Sykes' boys look pretty useful.
00:20:46 Don't even think about it. Who do you think
00:21:05 l loved your work, man.
00:21:08 Sorry?
00:21:10 l never believed any of the talk.
00:21:16 Cheers.
00:21:20 That buys you three across, mate.
00:21:22 -Then you can teach me.
00:21:25 Will you teach me, yeah?
00:21:28 Teach you what?
00:21:30 All that, you know.
00:21:39 Sorry, do what?
00:21:41 You know, like the pro's. All that caper.
00:21:45 Yeah?
00:21:47 l gotta go, but we'll stick a pin in it, all right?
00:21:49 Yeah, lovely. We'll stick a pin in it. Lovely.
00:21:52 Fan club.
00:21:54 Bloody stalker.
00:21:57 - What's three across?
00:22:00 l just saw a bloke pay money
00:22:03 Ah, Sykes!
00:22:06 Yeah, three across, four letters:
00:22:09 acid.
00:22:11 The governor lets Sykes get his ''Racing
00:22:17 He thinks it helps Sykes work out form
00:22:23 He doesn't know
00:22:26 He's actually smuggling
00:22:29 lt came second, and it cost me £5,000.
00:22:35 You must have made the wrong bet.
00:22:39 W for win.
00:22:43 Win.
00:22:46 lt's got smudged in the rain.
00:22:50 EW.
00:22:53 EW means each way.
00:23:01 lt's a fucking disgrace if you ask me.
00:23:05 Meehan fraternising
00:23:08 What do you want, Tompkinson?
00:23:11 l was thinking. l know.
00:23:12 l know that l can help you,
00:23:16 - lnformation and all, whatever.
00:23:20 l'm sick of this place.
00:23:24 HMP Silver Sands.
00:23:26 Away from the influence
00:23:31 You keep me posted.
00:23:43 Oh, look. A monkey learning new tricks.
00:23:46 - Why don't you leave me alone?
00:23:51 - Listen, man...
00:23:55 - You animal!
00:24:00 l'll open you up like a tin of beans.
00:24:02 Hey, stop him! Someone stop him!
00:24:07 You fucking scum!
00:24:12 Are you all right?
00:24:47 That fucking Meehan!
00:25:21 Mr Burton. Have you missed me?
00:25:24 You might be the governor's pet project,
00:25:34 lt's called sunlight, Meehan. Think of it
00:25:40 Danny boy...
00:25:43 Well, come on then, star.
00:25:48 They're saying thanks for saving Massive.
00:25:52 Where's your manners?
00:25:56 Fuck me!
00:25:58 - Wish l'd met her.
00:26:00 Sort yourselves out. Skins v shirts.
00:26:05 - What's that?
00:26:08 - Since when?
00:26:11 - Stop bitching, bitch.
00:26:14 Shut it, Massive.
00:26:18 Fuck off!
00:26:20 Come on. Plenty of room over there.
00:26:23 Up, Troj!
00:26:27 Come on!
00:26:33 Come on!
00:26:39 Yes, yes! Trojan, it's down!
00:26:50 - What do you think?
00:26:55 Five.
00:26:59 Three.
00:27:04 A generous one.
00:27:08 Seven. You missed two.
00:27:16 - Ten.
00:27:20 - Still.
00:27:23 We'll try a fitness test.
00:27:25 One: left hand down. Two: right hand
00:27:30 Five: up. Run.
00:27:33 Bollocks.
00:27:34 One, two, three...
00:27:37 l wouldn't mind a crack at the guards.
00:27:39 - l'm sorry? l missed that.
00:27:45 That's the Scots all over, innit?
00:27:50 and the next minute
00:27:55 - l was only saying.
00:27:58 l think we're going to have to work
00:28:07 l'll pay at the end of the month.
00:28:10 No, sweets. lt's cash on the nail.
00:28:13 - l haven't got it.
00:28:17 - How do you know about that?
00:28:21 You can pay us out of the insurance.
00:28:25 - l was told that you were reasonable.
00:28:29 Reasonable is how come
00:28:33 wondering how to get up
00:28:37 Big kiss.
00:28:53 Looking forward to getting a thrashing?
00:28:56 lf it means getting out of here early,
00:29:00 Who said anything about a beating?
00:29:04 Come on! l've seen your lot in action.
00:29:10 l don't run my ship like that.
00:29:14 No.
00:29:17 Lock it up!
00:29:26 What's the matter?
00:29:28 Did you have a nice chat
00:29:31 Ain't you got any hobbies?
00:29:33 - You sleep with one eye open, son.
00:30:06 Hello, Danny boy.
00:30:09 l've been wondering.
00:30:13 ...the tactics and all that.
00:30:15 Massive's manager.
00:30:17 Yeah, l know, but l'm better than him
00:30:21 We all had trials. That's why we're here.
00:30:24 Fuck off! Fuck off!
00:30:29 Football trials, yeah?
00:30:34 No, no, l could be the pharmacist. Get
00:30:38 l don't think so, mate.
00:30:42 Good job he likes you.
00:30:46 They're slags. They won't even
00:30:51 l don't give a fuck about their poxy squad,
00:30:56 lf you want out of this fucking prison,
00:30:58 you gotta come up with something
00:31:03 ...you're fucked.
00:31:05 OK, relax.
00:31:06 Be in the atrium
00:31:10 - Mr Burton.
00:31:12 lt's only a paper.
00:31:14 One down, two words, you're nicked.
00:31:18 Do you know the penalty for possession of
00:31:27 - What are you looking at, freak?
00:31:32 That dodgy Meehan
00:31:36 l've seen them talking.
00:31:55 - What are you doing?
00:31:58 - What do you mean?
00:32:00 We'll see what we can do
00:32:03 - Chiv, you know it wasn't me!
00:32:06 Which one am l going to burst?
00:32:11 - For fuck's sake!
00:32:13 - Hold him!
00:32:15 - Who are you calling a Jock bastard?
00:32:21 - l cut myself shaving.
00:32:29 You want to get that seen to.
00:32:34 All right, that's a yellow card, gentlemen.
00:32:47 You wanna be more careful with this.
00:32:53 You could have had my eye out.
00:33:01 Hey, big-un, here.
00:33:02 lt's Chiv.
00:33:09 Get him, Tone.
00:33:18 Thanks, by the way.
00:33:20 You saved me a lot of grief back there.
00:33:23 - Sorry about the...
00:33:27 - Anyway, you need a few more players.
00:33:31 l don't think so.
00:33:33 Not that some of them
00:33:36 What makes you bulletproof?
00:33:38 He's not. But he's pally
00:33:41 - Who?
00:33:45 And so are his pals on the outside.
00:33:50 All he really cares about is profit.
00:33:56 - What money?
00:34:02 Let your lads play. Win or lose,
00:34:12 Back to your fixing
00:34:15 Now, listen. lt's like this -
00:34:19 l'd never take a bet against England, and l
00:34:25 Capisce?
00:34:28 Then we can play to win.
00:34:31 - Would you think about it?
00:34:35 But right now l'm thinking
00:34:40 Now go away.
00:34:42 - How did it go?
00:34:45 Here, Dan. Dan, um...
00:34:50 - l've been thinking.
00:34:52 Yeah, yeah, of course, Dan, yeah.
00:34:57 Well, what it is, Dan...
00:35:03 What, what...
00:35:06 l was wondering if...
00:35:08 Wondering what, Billy?
00:35:14 Can l be in the team?
00:35:21 The squad, Billy. You can be in the squad.
00:35:28 - l won't let you down, Dan.
00:35:34 Yes! The squad, yes!
00:35:41 Yeah, squad, squad! Well in!
00:35:46 You told me they were reasonable.
00:35:49 They are, but they're businessmen.
00:35:51 You got me into this,
00:35:54 Hey! l opened the door,
00:35:58 You've been making money ever since.
00:36:02 lt is just a temporary cash flow problem.
00:36:09 Well, get it sorted.
00:36:12 of turning cash flow problems
00:36:16 l used to do double this just for a warm-up.
00:36:21 Anno Domini, mate.
00:36:23 l used to be able to piss in one go and then
00:36:29 Bloody hell.
00:36:31 You never did say how come it ain't
00:36:35 Only does your nut in
00:36:38 Look at me. Sweet old geezer?
00:36:41 A bit bumbly,
00:36:45 cornerstone of the nick,
00:36:50 Right.
00:36:52 l didn't get to be the oldest lag
00:36:57 Villains spend their lives
00:37:00 that other criminals
00:37:03 So they get their retaliation in first
00:37:10 A bloke was coming after me,
00:37:16 l went around to his digs
00:37:19 Left over after the war,
00:37:24 l didn't know, but he had his little nipper
00:37:30 The house went up
00:37:35 No one came out.
00:37:38 He'd barricaded the door with furniture
00:37:44 By the time they got in,
00:37:50 1 3 months old,
00:37:59 Nothing l can do
00:38:22 - You're on.
00:38:24 l'm not famous for my sense of humour.
00:38:30 - One thing: you fight one of my boys.
00:38:36 A little earner l stage now and then.
00:38:42 - Fight who?
00:38:46 - Soft as puppy shit, Nick is.
00:38:50 So? Kick him.
00:38:54 An eye for an eye, you bastard.
00:39:01 - Fucking eye for a fucking...
00:39:05 - Don't you do that again.
00:39:09 You seem to be making
00:39:12 Yeah? Well, l want out of this shit house!
00:39:18 Please! Please!
00:39:22 You're half way home, son.
00:39:26 - That's why l'm here.
00:39:28 - Yeah.
00:39:34 Please, please. Silverino Sands, yeah?
00:39:39 l will do anything, Mr Ratchett.
00:39:42 l will do anything, Mr Ratchett.
00:39:47 You owe me for this. Out, now!
00:39:59 We have a small change of plan.
00:40:01 Nick has come over all poorly.
00:40:08 Walk away, Danny. Walk away.
00:40:11 Mass, this is the only way
00:40:17 ln the dirty brown corner,
00:40:19 with a record of 35 and 0
00:40:25 The heavy duty
00:40:30 Ketch, the Black Country Bastard.
00:40:37 Come on. Come on.
00:40:41 And in the other,
00:40:45 we have the challenger,
00:40:49 Danny ''l've had more backhanders
00:40:55 Yeah!
00:41:00 Gentlemen, it's alternate punches,
00:41:04 followed by one mug
00:41:12 No using your left hand, no butting,
00:41:17 lt's show time!
00:41:24 First head to hit the table loses.
00:41:28 First punch to the challenger.
00:41:37 ls he trying to kiss me or what?
00:41:46 Yeah!
00:41:53 Come on, Danny, wake up!
00:42:02 He fucking...
00:42:14 Focus, Danny.
00:42:21 By the way, l'm in here for GBH.
00:42:30 And again, come on!
00:42:38 Keep your head up.
00:43:14 l'm in here for drunken assault.
00:43:17 Yeah!
00:43:25 First, l'd like to welcome Mr Sykes' boys.
00:43:29 Watch this.
00:43:37 Go on.
00:43:38 Hey!
00:43:45 OK, if you wanna do that, join a circus.
00:43:49 We need 1 1 men
00:43:52 - Right!
00:43:54 That's lovely, Dan. Well in. Right!
00:43:59 OK, positions. l play centre midfield.
00:44:01 Let's have all midfield players behind me,
00:44:06 Come on, lads, come on.
00:44:14 Terrific. Let's move on.
00:44:22 That's good. Now pass it.
00:44:26 Pass it, Trojan.
00:44:29 Pass it!
00:44:32 Trojan, it's a team game.
00:44:36 He's too greedy.
00:44:38 OK, fellas. Now, the key
00:44:42 calculation, teamwork.
00:44:46 With corners it's about movement,
00:44:50 drawing defenders out of position.
00:44:52 When it comes to defending,
00:44:57 finesse,
00:44:59 calculation.
00:45:03 Remember these simple rules, and we're
00:45:10 Lovely story.
00:45:13 Yeah.
00:45:16 We still need a goalkeeper.
00:45:21 There's one man l know who could
00:45:25 - That's not even worth thinking about.
00:45:28 - No, no, you'll laugh your head off.
00:45:32 - The Monk.
00:45:35 They say he could have turned pro,
00:45:38 - How mad is he?
00:45:41 - What did he do?
00:45:44 l heard he ate Hannibal the Cannibal.
00:45:46 Not even the Pope
00:45:50 The Monk is in the high security wing.
00:45:52 So do me a favour. Maybe l can
00:45:57 l'm listening.
00:45:59 Bet the game, your guards to win.
00:46:02 Price is right, we'll make a killing.
00:46:04 You pay off Barry,
00:46:08 Take the missus to Malaga.
00:46:13 - This is so illegal.
00:46:20 All right, big man? Sound.
00:46:23 Danny Meehan,
00:46:28 He's got a wee favour to ask you.
00:46:30 - Hello, Mr Monk. Can you play football?
00:46:34 Good. Would you like to play with us?
00:46:39 Nah.
00:46:43 We're playing the guards.
00:46:52 - Aye. Then l'm with you.
00:46:56 Thanks a lot, Mr Monk.
00:46:59 OK, let's try it. Troj, you take the corner.
00:47:02 lt's my ball. Mouse's ball, Troj.
00:47:06 Come on, Troj. Yeah, yeah.
00:47:09 lt's Mouse's ball. My ball. Yeah.
00:47:17 - He's broke my bloody nose.
00:47:24 What?
00:47:26 - He did that on purpose.
00:47:29 - Yes, he did.
00:47:33 Tell him it was an accident.
00:47:37 Right, it was an accident.
00:47:39 - Now, get yourself off over the back there.
00:47:48 You're not worried about the opposition,
00:47:52 A team of life's losers led by a man
00:47:57 l don't think so.
00:48:01 We'll give you a match.
00:48:04 You'll give us a game.
00:48:09 We'll see.
00:48:20 One, two, three...
00:48:24 Well done! Let the ball do the work.
00:48:29 Start again. Spread out.
00:48:32 Up, down...
00:48:37 Up, down...
00:48:40 Come on.
00:48:50 One, two, three, four...
00:48:52 And left, and right.
00:48:56 Hurry it up there.
00:49:00 l've always told you
00:49:04 Now you, get over there and mark up.
00:49:20 Now listen, Daniel,
00:49:25 l'm burning up phone cards, taking bets
00:49:29 Oh, no.
00:49:31 Despite what the governor thinks,
00:49:36 So my arse is on the line.
00:49:39 And by my arse, l mean your arse.
00:49:43 - OK, l need a volunteer.
00:49:45 - Dan.
00:49:48 Help Monk and Chiv
00:49:50 - Lovely.
00:49:52 Aye, right. So, we are the cons.
00:49:56 And they are screws.
00:49:58 So if anybody's gonna play dirty,
00:50:02 Here's one or two wee examples,
00:50:07 Numero uno:
00:50:11 lt's an obvious one, but it works.
00:50:16 Ah, fuck!
00:50:20 Numero...
00:50:23 ...two.
00:50:25 Right, daftie, run towards The Monk.
00:50:30 - What now?
00:50:37 The cunningly titled ''elbow in the face''.
00:50:40 Very effective, but you tend to get sent off.
00:50:42 So if you use it,
00:50:45 - Number four.
00:50:53 Number four: when you're helping him up,
00:50:56 grab the hairs under his armpits
00:51:00 - Hurts like a bastard, doesn't it?
00:51:03 - Number five.
00:51:06 l don't wanna hog it.
00:51:09 You're all right. You're the man.
00:51:15 Yeah, as it happens, yeah.
00:51:37 And finally, the pièce de résistance,
00:51:42 l can't. Monk, stop, l'm in a bad way, mate.
00:51:48 Monk, l can't breathe.
00:51:50 Ah, fuck!
00:51:54 The guillotine.
00:51:55 Come on, let's move on.
00:51:58 Get yourself up.
00:52:02 - Was that all right though?
00:52:04 Well done.
00:52:05 Finish with a bit of shooting practice.
00:52:08 Massive, marks out of ten.
00:52:14 You've done well with that lot.
00:00:04 You know,
00:00:10 You're becoming a sentimental old fart.
00:00:15 That bloody Meehan.
00:00:18 Don't you worry about Meehan.
00:00:24 Mr Popular. Time to meet your friends.
00:00:28 You can't put me back on the wing.
00:00:30 - You scratch my back, l'll scratch yours.
00:00:35 You know the itch l want scratching.
00:00:37 l don't want Meehan on that pitch,
00:00:40 OK. l know what needs to be done.
00:00:44 Nice and easy.
00:00:47 Right down the middle.
00:00:50 And a one, and a two.
00:00:55 And a three.
00:00:58 Good shot. Good shot.
00:01:03 Where have you been? The governor's
00:01:07 OK, miss.
00:01:09 l've thought of a way l can really help you.
00:01:12 - The sad old twat videos all their games.
00:01:17 And l've written some pointers.
00:01:22 l'm sure you'll find it very interesting.
00:01:27 Quicker.
00:01:33 One thing. This is strictly sex.
00:01:37 - Don't blame you.
00:01:40 l've heard.
00:01:45 What? Easy.
00:01:48 - Change her oil, did you?
00:01:53 - l'd better go home.
00:01:56 lnside information on the opposition.
00:02:06 All right, Danny.
00:02:25 All right, lads.
00:02:28 Ketch, this one's for you.
00:02:30 You know how Ratchett's
00:02:33 lt's the right one.
00:02:40 This one is dynamite.
00:02:42 Marsden's daughter, Donna, has been
00:02:47 Let him know about it at the right time.
00:02:49 Here we go, Danny boy.
00:02:55 And now for our secret weapon.
00:02:58 - Danny, tape.
00:03:01 - l left it in my locker.
00:03:05 Cheers, Doc. Sorry, boss.
00:03:08 That's right, get the old boy working.
00:03:25 Danny, why did you do it?
00:03:29 Throw that game.
00:03:32 Fuck me, Jerome, you do talk too much.
00:03:36 - Sorry.
00:03:41 lt's funny,
00:03:46 you just don't realise
00:03:48 You only find out how disappointed
00:03:53 l was 16 when l signed pro forms.
00:03:59 Didn't take long
00:04:02 Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses...
00:04:06 You think you can handle it,
00:04:12 Before l was picking up trophies,
00:04:18 ...to men nasty enough... Well, even they
00:04:24 But they did give me two choices.
00:04:28 A wheelchair for life, or a deliberate
00:04:34 lt's not as if l've prospered.
00:04:37 Look where l've ended up.
00:04:42 But l'll tell you something -
00:04:46 looking to sell my country out.
00:04:50 None of us planned
00:04:52 Och, away tae fuck, man.
00:05:11 Sign it, and l'll ship you straight out of here.
00:05:15 OK.
00:05:17 Even down here you ain't safe from Sykes.
00:05:22 - Killing Doc, that was a big mistake.
00:05:26 Where am l off to, boys? HMP Silver
00:05:33 - Not exactly, no.
00:05:35 No. You're catching the ghost train
00:05:40 To the funny farm.
00:05:41 Her Majesty's Prison - Broadhurst.
00:05:46 What? l'm gonna get you! Yeah!
00:05:48 l'm gonna find your house.
00:05:51 No, you won't. By the time
00:05:54 you won't be able to blow your nose!
00:06:00 Go on, get in there.
00:06:08 l'm gonna get you!
00:06:29 l reckon you're quits now, old man.
00:07:28 Mean Machine, Mean Machine...
00:07:44 No, don't you worry about the car.
00:07:50 Done deal, darlin'.
00:07:52 Yes.
00:07:55 Wanker.
00:07:56 OK, gentlemen.
00:08:01 that when it comes to physical
00:08:06 Most of them are gonna want to
00:08:13 All right, lads. You wanna be nothing,
00:08:16 numbers, prisoners, that's fine.
00:08:21 But you win today, you'll have
00:08:25 Talk about it over and over
00:08:27 because there are cons that are pig sick
00:08:32 Just to have one crack
00:08:35 Let's win, and let's win well.
00:08:41 Lose and they'll never let you forget it.
00:08:45 Run your guts out, and you'll have
00:08:50 No parole boards,
00:08:57 They've got one good player,
00:09:01 And this is a team game.
00:09:03 Now ask yourselves one question...
00:09:08 - Are you ready?
00:09:10 - Are we?
00:09:12 - Well, come on!
00:09:15 l'm looking at each and every one
00:09:19 and show them who's boss. Come on!
00:09:25 Hold up for Mr Sykes.
00:09:30 Doc was a different generation,
00:09:36 But before he died,
00:09:44 Come and get them, lads!
00:09:47 Good afternoon, l'm Bob Likely.
00:09:51 l'm Bob Carter, and thanks
00:09:53 - Wanker.
00:09:56 that are here today as part
00:09:59 And for our audience, cooped up inside,
00:10:02 lt's a beautiful day.
00:10:04 And what a day it is!
00:10:08 The guards are out first,
00:10:18 And here comes the Mean Machine,
00:10:20 led out by our most famous son,
00:10:24 - Don't worry. The boys are well up for it.
00:10:29 - Where did they get that kit?
00:10:37 Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
00:10:49 Skip.
00:10:54 - Your call.
00:10:58 - As we are, then.
00:11:05 This is the one.
00:11:07 Don't start anything.
00:11:09 - Yes!
00:11:14 - Let's wipe the floor with this shite.
00:11:22 Boy, Mr Sykes, you look the part.
00:11:29 lt's the one we've all been waiting for.
00:11:32 Longmarsh prison guards
00:11:35 lt's the cons to kick off, Bob.
00:11:47 lt's a free kick to the cons.
00:11:54 Ketch has just floored Mr Ratchett.
00:11:56 What's the matter?
00:11:58 Shut up, you pussy!
00:11:59 You fucking bastard!
00:12:02 Well done, Ketch. Just be subtle.
00:12:04 Which one's he then?
00:12:09 Come on, take him out, son!
00:12:11 And Trojan evades Marsden brilliantly.
00:12:14 lf only he could have done that
00:12:17 The keeper plays it long.
00:12:20 Walker brings it down to the halfway line.
00:12:22 lt's a misplaced pass to Jerome McFife,
00:12:24 but the ever observant Mr Burton
00:12:26 lt's a neat one-two. Walker to Burton.
00:12:29 Back to Walker. He shoots.
00:12:33 Almost.
00:12:34 That was a bit too close for comfort.
00:12:36 Too fucking close for my liking.
00:12:39 Get up there!
00:12:40 Monk plays it out to Meehan.
00:12:43 Goes forward unchallenged.
00:12:45 Burton takes Meehan's legs away.
00:12:49 Now that's it, Burton!
00:12:53 What's the matter with the rest of you?
00:12:56 You four stand there. Split on my run.
00:13:00 Meehan to take it.
00:13:10 Right in Ratchett's crown jewels.
00:13:13 lt'll take more than magic sponge
00:13:16 Fuck...me!
00:13:19 Ref, that was bloody deliberate!
00:13:21 Free kick. Handball.
00:13:25 Ten yards! Ten!
00:13:29 Come away!
00:13:45 Right in his carrots and onions.
00:13:49 No nookie for Mr Ratchett.
00:13:50 No nookie for Mrs Ratchett neither.
00:13:52 Play on!
00:13:55 Just goes to show,
00:13:57 Abso-fucking-lutely.
00:13:58 23 minutes of the first half to go,
00:14:01 Yeah, Bob. Very rock'n'roll.
00:14:16 Fuckin' hell!
00:14:18 - He's gotta get back in goal.
00:14:30 - Piss off, you Scotch bastard!
00:14:33 Donna. Still hanging about
00:14:39 What's up with you?
00:14:56 Christ's sake!
00:15:07 That's it, fellas, good teamwork.
00:15:13 - That was a hard but a fair tackle.
00:15:17 But that wasn't.
00:15:19 This could be dangerous for the cons.
00:15:22 lt's a free kick.
00:15:24 Don't think l didn't see it.
00:15:25 Ketch has took a strop. And the guards
00:15:29 Make it count!
00:15:58 The Monk's collected it cleanly.
00:16:00 The Monk - calm and calculated.
00:16:05 Once again, Monk's played it
00:16:09 He must be ambidextrous.
00:16:11 l don't know, but he can use both feet.
00:16:30 - Goal!
00:16:36 Goal!
00:16:43 Yeah!
00:16:48 - Beauty! You beauty!
00:16:57 We're all over them.
00:17:00 - One-nil to the Mean Machine.
00:17:03 - lt's getting tough.
00:17:06 - lt's getting tough out there, Bob.
00:17:17 Oh no, it looks like the Monk's at it again.
00:17:20 Pass it!
00:17:34 - Do that again and l'll rip your head off.
00:17:39 l'm not worried. He said it to you, not me.
00:17:42 Let's go, sonny.
00:17:45 - What's he doing?
00:17:49 Bollocks.
00:17:53 Hold on.
00:17:55 Fucker!
00:17:56 lt's kicked off. Let's just try and keep calm.
00:17:59 - Referee!
00:18:03 This isn't a football match!
00:18:05 - Do him!
00:18:07 - This is bollocks!
00:18:09 Who are you hitting?
00:18:11 This is bollocks!
00:18:17 - You want some? Come on.
00:18:19 Where are you, referee?
00:18:23 - Excuse me. Sorry.
00:18:26 - Ref, how long?
00:18:33 Half-time, come on.
00:18:36 One-nil to the Mean Machine, one-nil...
00:18:43 What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:18:48 Yeah, they don't seem
00:18:51 Youthful exuberance.
00:18:54 Shame.
00:18:57 lt would have worked out nice.
00:18:59 What do you think
00:19:02 l think he'll be saying
00:19:05 Yeah.
00:19:12 Settle down, boys. Have a listen.
00:19:17 All we've got is one goal.
00:19:21 Midfield, tuck in,
00:19:25 Good work, Monk, just don't leave us
00:19:30 - Mouse?
00:19:34 - Bill, you come on for Mouse.
00:19:37 You take his place in midfield.
00:19:41 OK, we've botched it, but we're
00:19:45 You think about it!
00:19:48 We're getting beaten
00:19:53 - l'm doing my half-time talk, sir.
00:19:57 Have you forgotten who they are?
00:20:00 They're the dregs of society,
00:20:04 And they're laughing at you right now.
00:20:08 Just remember this:
00:20:10 every man here is playing for his job.
00:20:16 lncluding you.
00:20:23 - You wanted to see me?
00:20:27 - What's going on?
00:20:30 Yes, but you never
00:20:33 You never said nothing about losing either.
00:20:36 Before leaving us,
00:20:39 He admitted killing Doc.
00:20:42 He said you knew about it,
00:20:46 Now that's accessory to murder,
00:20:51 and that's 20 years.
00:20:54 You'll never get that to stick.
00:20:57 One whiff of this will kill you
00:21:00 You could be with us for some time.
00:21:02 So l think it's in everyone's interest
00:21:07 if you lose this game.
00:21:11 - l can't do that.
00:21:35 You had everything they ever dreamed of,
00:21:38 and you threw it all away.
00:22:08 Meehan has given it away again.
00:22:13 For fuck's sake, Danny, l was open.
00:22:15 l didn't see you.
00:22:22 Looks like he's in a world of his own.
00:22:25 Wake up, Meehan.
00:22:29 The ball's played out to the left.
00:22:31 Hibert picks it up
00:22:34 The defender cuts inside.
00:22:36 He plays it to Hayter,
00:22:39 Oh no,
00:22:41 Could be a penalty.
00:22:43 The ref's waved play on.
00:22:47 - Scary thought.
00:23:19 lt's getting naughty out there.
00:23:22 Positively brutal.
00:23:23 Are they fighting or doing the tango?
00:23:26 No, they're definitely fighting, Bob.
00:23:47 Billy's chasing the ball like a terrier.
00:23:52 Shame he hasn't got
00:23:55 - Shame he's fucking useless, Bob.
00:24:08 Ratchett's taken out Cigs.
00:24:10 Looks like the guards
00:24:12 Whatever, Bob.
00:24:22 You, fuckin' watch it.
00:24:25 No, you fuckin' watch it,
00:24:31 That's going a bit too far, innit?
00:24:36 - He took a dive!
00:24:39 lt was a dive, look!
00:24:42 - Come on. Do one, now.
00:24:44 The cons are down to ten men.
00:24:47 lt's an early bath for Raj,
00:24:49 which is really gonna put
00:24:52 lt's disappointing.
00:24:56 That's right. And they're taking full
00:25:01 Walker's through ball to Mr Gayle,
00:25:04 who plays it, and Hayter, and Monk...
00:25:07 All right!
00:25:09 29 minutes, still one-nil,
00:25:12 And the Monk's going
00:25:14 But this time
00:25:25 - All Troj has to do is look up.
00:25:28 - Pass it.
00:25:31 - Pass it.
00:25:33 Pass the fucking ball!
00:25:48 Yes!
00:25:50 Goal!
00:25:53 Two-nil for the cons, ten men down,
00:25:56 their liberty taken away from them,
00:26:01 and today, our boys had their day.
00:26:07 What's up with you?
00:26:11 For the last hour of my life,
00:26:14 l have been free!
00:26:15 Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
00:26:18 Mean Machine! Mean Machine!
00:26:22 Yes!
00:26:25 lt's the guards to kick off.
00:26:29 Mr Williams lays it back for Mr Hibert,
00:26:33 Monk's got it covered. Safe as houses.
00:26:36 - You've gotta love the Monk.
00:26:59 What's Monk doing?
00:27:02 He's lost the fuckin' ball!
00:27:04 He's lost the fuckin' plot.
00:27:12 Guards' goal. Two-one.
00:27:15 Yes!
00:27:20 Hey! Stop fucking about back here!
00:27:23 Get the ball up the park!
00:27:27 All right. My fault.
00:27:31 lt's no longer just a game out there.
00:27:34 There's a match on now.
00:27:38 - Have a word, Dan.
00:27:42 - Come on, let's go.
00:27:48 The cons kick off.
00:27:50 But what is he doing?
00:27:55 He's hit the bar.
00:27:58 You see, there's no cohesion,
00:28:04 The Mean Machine need their star player
00:28:06 to pick up his game now.
00:28:08 - What is Meehan doing anyway?
00:28:16 What's up with you?
00:28:19 Looks like Danny's injured.
00:28:22 You're cheating now.
00:28:26 - Dan, where did you get hit?
00:28:29 Doesn't look too clever, boys.
00:28:31 - l can't see anything.
00:28:34 Come on.
00:28:38 Meehan's leaving the pitch.
00:28:41 - lt's 1 1 against 9 out there.
00:28:45 - Get it fixed.
00:28:47 Shove up and shut up.
00:28:50 The guards are moving the ball nicely.
00:28:53 Neat passing.
00:28:55 But the cons
00:29:01 There's nothing wrong with that leg,
00:29:07 - Why don't people just let me play?
00:29:11 Not after the big ''it's your time'' speech.
00:29:21 - ls there something l should know?
00:29:28 Could be a strain.
00:29:39 lt's getting tough.
00:29:42 Fuckin' hell, Massive, help us out.
00:29:46 Get a sub on.
00:29:52 Walker to Marsden.
00:30:00 Downs, wide to Hibert.
00:30:02 Hibert clips it forward.
00:30:06 Walker brings it down.
00:30:08 The cons are swamped at the back.
00:30:10 Ratchett's free in the area.
00:30:12 Oh, no!
00:30:15 Yes! Yes!
00:30:17 - Two-fucking-two.
00:30:23 Thanks, Danny Meehan.
00:30:29 Two-two.
00:30:31 Right, now a third. Get up there!
00:30:33 Ref. Sub.
00:30:45 - Mass, look...
00:30:52 Ratchett's brought down Billy the Limpet.
00:30:55 And that's like kicking a puppy dog.
00:31:03 Give me my boot.
00:31:07 Yes! Ref! Ref!
00:31:11 l'm coming back on.
00:31:13 - Sit down.
00:31:15 Who's coming on?
00:31:17 - Me.
00:31:18 - l am.
00:31:22 - Who's in charge here?
00:31:24 - l'm in charge. Danny's coming on.
00:31:27 - Listen, l'm the owner.
00:31:29 - Yes.
00:31:31 - Yes.
00:31:38 The great Meehan returns to the pitch.
00:31:40 Yeah, that's all we need. lf he carries on
00:31:46 we may as well all go home now, Bob.
00:31:58 Ketch knocks it out wide to Trojan.
00:32:01 lt's amazing. The guards still find it hard
00:32:05 l'm with you here if you want.
00:32:07 Shoot! Shoot! Pass it, l'm on! Pass it here!
00:32:11 Trojan plays it into the centre.
00:32:14 l'm free there!
00:32:16 - Well, l didn't see you, did l?
00:32:22 Chiv, pass it!
00:32:25 Chiv, pass it!
00:32:40 Oh, God. That was a meeting of minds.
00:32:43 Meehan's trying to redeem himself.
00:32:46 Yeah, but he's gonna have to do
00:32:49 Meehan is now everywhere.
00:32:51 He is bobbing and weaving, Bob.
00:32:56 No way was that offside.
00:33:13 That's the way it's done, pal.
00:33:16 The ball's pushed high
00:33:19 Shoots. What a goal!
00:33:21 - The Mean Machine are in front again.
00:33:24 - God bless the Mean Machine.
00:33:28 - Wait a minute...
00:33:32 - They're still celebrating.
00:33:35 The ref has gone to the linesman.
00:33:38 There's confusion on the pitch.
00:33:40 - There certainly is.
00:33:43 Surely not! Now, if this stands,
00:33:48 - 35 yards out from the goal.
00:33:52 OK, let's get him off.
00:33:55 lt's in a goal scoring position
00:33:58 We're in the dying seconds
00:34:00 Lee, get changed. You're on, mate. Ref!
00:34:03 Mr Ratchett, are you all right, sir?
00:34:06 Obviously not.
00:34:10 - Are you gonna do nothing about that?
00:34:15 - How long?
00:34:19 This is it. lf he scores now, it's all over.
00:34:22 All right, stick it in.
00:34:24 Prison warder Mr Gayle, will take it.
00:34:28 He curls it.
00:34:35 No!
00:36:00 Yeah!
00:36:14 Guards of Pentonville,
00:36:17 - ...Walton nick in Liverpool...
00:36:20 traffic wardens and parole officers,
00:36:23 your boys have taken a hell
00:37:20 Mean Machine!
00:37:23 Mean Machine, Mean Machine...
00:37:26 Mean Machine, Mean Machine...
00:37:49 Burnin' me head out!
00:37:53 All down, Danny, all down there.
00:37:55 - You're all right, Dan.
00:37:58 - l told you l wouldn't let you down.
00:38:05 Ruin my life,
00:38:10 No. You're not stitching anyone up.
00:38:15 What are you gonna do about it?
00:38:18 My arse.
00:38:22 Good game.
00:38:26 Jesus, what was that?
00:38:31 Looks like your Saab.
00:38:34 And what he said goes for me and all,
00:38:41 Nice one, Danny!
00:38:47 l want him in solitary,
00:38:51 and l'm the governor,
00:38:56 Shut up!
00:39:02 Stick that in your trophy cabinet.