|
My Best Friend s Girl
|
| 00:00:27 |
Oh, let's just get in there, baby. |
| 00:00:33 |
I love angry sex. This is the best. |
| 00:00:36 |
Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh? |
| 00:00:38 |
Oh, yeah... Okay. |
| 00:00:44 |
Give up, already. |
| 00:00:57 |
I like this girl. Really do. |
| 00:01:01 |
Sometimes you just know. |
| 00:01:10 |
I'm not finished. |
| 00:01:20 |
I tried like a motherfucker |
| 00:01:22 |
...but this door, it does a little thing |
| 00:01:27 |
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. |
| 00:01:31 |
Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know? |
| 00:01:34 |
And most girls |
| 00:01:36 |
...because I turn what is normally |
| 00:01:41 |
It's like my own special Head Start |
| 00:01:45 |
Do that really well, |
| 00:01:48 |
Bring my buddies over, maybe |
| 00:01:51 |
Do some artsy live streaming video. |
| 00:01:54 |
Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy. |
| 00:01:56 |
That way you could |
| 00:01:58 |
...lipo the back end, |
| 00:02:01 |
- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? |
| 00:02:05 |
Real quick, yes to bad timing |
| 00:02:07 |
- Fuck you! |
| 00:02:19 |
- Why won't you just die already? |
| 00:02:23 |
But for future reference, could you |
| 00:02:26 |
How about 10? |
| 00:02:29 |
I love angry sex. This is the best. |
| 00:02:32 |
It's gonna be great. Just... |
| 00:02:41 |
Hey, we're going Dutch |
| 00:02:44 |
Is that your phone? |
| 00:02:47 |
- Don't you answer? |
| 00:02:49 |
Or are you more interested |
| 00:02:51 |
- I'm... |
| 00:02:53 |
Shit. Hold on one second. I got it. |
| 00:02:56 |
Hello. |
| 00:02:58 |
Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy. |
| 00:03:00 |
- You need... |
| 00:03:02 |
Shut the fuck up. |
| 00:03:05 |
Oh, my God! Why aren't you...? |
| 00:03:06 |
Dick! |
| 00:03:08 |
- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant? |
| 00:03:11 |
I'll just be a minute. |
| 00:03:13 |
You know what, you expect me |
| 00:03:15 |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable. |
| 00:03:19 |
- Didn't see that one coming, did you? |
| 00:03:22 |
How am I supposed to know |
| 00:03:25 |
Okay, it was dark, I was drunk |
| 00:03:29 |
- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her. |
| 00:03:33 |
Okay, you tell your sister... |
| 00:03:35 |
...that I'll make a donation |
| 00:03:40 |
Sarah, my ex. |
| 00:03:43 |
Big cunt. |
| 00:03:55 |
Rachel, I apologize. |
| 00:03:56 |
Sometimes when you try |
| 00:03:59 |
And today we lost. |
| 00:04:05 |
I'm thinking to avoid |
| 00:04:23 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:04:24 |
- Everything okay? |
| 00:04:27 |
Perhaps I can interest you in some of |
| 00:04:31 |
She could use a little more famine |
| 00:04:41 |
Tank. |
| 00:04:43 |
Okay. Since you have yet to |
| 00:04:47 |
...I just thought I should tell you |
| 00:04:50 |
I'm a social worker. |
| 00:04:52 |
- Yeah, I know what you're thinking. |
| 00:04:54 |
It's very... It's challenging work... |
| 00:04:56 |
...but it's so important. |
| 00:05:00 |
I'm a customer satisfaction rep |
| 00:05:05 |
That is important work. |
| 00:05:09 |
What can I get for you tonight? |
| 00:05:12 |
Is the corned beef quesadilla, |
| 00:05:16 |
Or what do you recommend? |
| 00:05:18 |
Do you mean unspoiled? For example, |
| 00:05:22 |
...your concern would not be with taste |
| 00:05:31 |
Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley. |
| 00:05:35 |
Something to drink? |
| 00:05:36 |
Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap. |
| 00:05:40 |
Okay, no, I don't drink... |
| 00:05:41 |
...but thank you. |
| 00:05:46 |
- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. |
| 00:05:49 |
I've got a little bit |
| 00:05:55 |
See?! |
| 00:05:57 |
It's been like this for a month! |
| 00:06:00 |
I got it. |
| 00:06:09 |
These are for your ears! |
| 00:06:13 |
Thanks. |
| 00:06:15 |
You look offended by the song! |
| 00:06:18 |
But if you really listen, |
| 00:06:21 |
It's about a guy, he's in love. And |
| 00:06:26 |
But it's a metaphor for, like: |
| 00:06:29 |
"I wanna hug you!" |
| 00:06:31 |
Pop that pussy |
| 00:06:36 |
It's not about fucking. |
| 00:06:38 |
It's about taking a relationship... |
| 00:06:40 |
...to another level! |
| 00:06:43 |
- What? |
| 00:06:46 |
So we should listen to the whole thing |
| 00:06:52 |
Listen, listen. |
| 00:06:55 |
No, it's easy, all right? She's not |
| 00:06:58 |
By the time I'm done, she'll know |
| 00:07:01 |
...what's in the hand |
| 00:07:06 |
Hi. |
| 00:07:07 |
- Yeah, we said 7:00. |
| 00:07:11 |
I tutor this high-school girl. |
| 00:07:14 |
She's part of my Head Start program. |
| 00:07:16 |
And she's slow, learning-disabled. |
| 00:07:19 |
It's sad. |
| 00:07:23 |
Every time I come, |
| 00:07:28 |
- You know, not in her eyes. |
| 00:07:32 |
No one is doubting your memory, |
| 00:07:35 |
But if I could, I'd like to briefly |
| 00:07:38 |
Oh, really? Because, you know what? |
| 00:07:44 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:07:46 |
Please stop. Please stop. |
| 00:07:59 |
So I'll call you later? |
| 00:08:02 |
- And I'll call the cops, you asshole. |
| 00:08:11 |
- Hello. |
| 00:08:12 |
...the worst date of my life. |
| 00:08:16 |
- Hey, look, I'm gl... |
| 00:08:19 |
Why are you sorry? |
| 00:08:22 |
- Can we maybe, you know, grab a... ? |
| 00:08:26 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:08:29 |
Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. |
| 00:08:32 |
- What about dinner tomorrow night? |
| 00:08:35 |
Yeah, I'd like that too. All right. |
| 00:08:37 |
I'm so glad you called. All right, bye. |
| 00:08:42 |
Told you. |
| 00:08:44 |
...between what's in the hand |
| 00:08:47 |
You have mastered |
| 00:08:49 |
To get them to run, |
| 00:08:52 |
To get them to come, |
| 00:08:54 |
Either way, you're the asshole. |
| 00:08:57 |
It's what I do. |
| 00:09:34 |
Sorry. |
| 00:09:51 |
All right. |
| 00:09:53 |
Look at you, all white and thin. |
| 00:09:54 |
I bet if I laid you on this bar, |
| 00:09:58 |
Listen, beauty queen. |
| 00:09:59 |
I know people are concerned about |
| 00:10:03 |
But I'm not one of those people. |
| 00:10:06 |
That you've had too many drinks... |
| 00:10:08 |
...and your fingers are in this bowl |
| 00:10:11 |
These pretzeled devils, |
| 00:10:14 |
I mean, baby, |
| 00:10:16 |
Nothing tastes as good |
| 00:10:19 |
- That is just... |
| 00:10:21 |
Are you psycho? I mean, |
| 00:10:24 |
Easy, Urlacher. |
| 00:10:26 |
Ever notice it's the linebackers |
| 00:10:29 |
If the pussy police here would |
| 00:10:32 |
I just had a child. |
| 00:10:33 |
Congratulations. |
| 00:10:36 |
Looks like you |
| 00:10:38 |
You're an asshole. |
| 00:10:43 |
- You really are an asshole. |
| 00:10:59 |
- Let me just go get my purse, okay? |
| 00:11:04 |
- Let's go. |
| 00:11:05 |
Take me. Take me to your house. |
| 00:11:09 |
- Hey, guy. |
| 00:11:12 |
- Yeah. Come here. |
| 00:11:14 |
- Hey, okay. Two seconds. |
| 00:11:17 |
- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. |
| 00:11:20 |
Didn't I just save your ass? |
| 00:11:22 |
...and you're shitting in it again, okay? |
| 00:11:27 |
I am getting married... |
| 00:11:29 |
...but not tonight. |
| 00:11:32 |
- Renee. Renee, there she is. |
| 00:11:35 |
There she is. She's all mine. |
| 00:11:42 |
I have to work tomorrow. |
| 00:11:46 |
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. |
| 00:11:50 |
Good one. |
| 00:11:56 |
Yeah. |
| 00:12:04 |
Come on, Tank, it's almost 5. |
| 00:12:09 |
For some people that's not tonight, |
| 00:12:22 |
I hate those people. |
| 00:12:39 |
Shit. |
| 00:12:40 |
Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. |
| 00:12:45 |
- Dude. What the shit? |
| 00:12:48 |
I told you this was happening. As |
| 00:12:52 |
Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong |
| 00:12:56 |
By the way, you should try it. |
| 00:12:57 |
You need discipline |
| 00:13:00 |
Seriously, you're already, like... |
| 00:13:02 |
...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog... |
| 00:13:06 |
...cyborg crazy creature. |
| 00:13:07 |
You mean, I have a job? |
| 00:13:09 |
And now you're gonna wake me up |
| 00:13:13 |
...so that eventually |
| 00:13:16 |
Here's the great part. You get to |
| 00:13:21 |
For the record, I am involved in |
| 00:13:30 |
- Morning. |
| 00:13:32 |
Dustin, the bad boy |
| 00:13:36 |
I'm from Lexington. |
| 00:13:38 |
- Okay, bye. |
| 00:13:40 |
- See you. |
| 00:13:47 |
That's not the secret knock. |
| 00:13:52 |
That's the one. What's going on, man? |
| 00:13:55 |
I need to move this into your room. |
| 00:13:57 |
And if all goes according to plan, |
| 00:14:01 |
- "Lawrence of a Labia"? |
| 00:14:05 |
...I bought the entire EFI. The |
| 00:14:09 |
Where did it go wrong? |
| 00:14:12 |
Better than taking |
| 00:14:14 |
...on a parade of one-night skanks |
| 00:14:17 |
- True. |
| 00:14:18 |
Hey, no, no, come here. This |
| 00:14:22 |
Not technically related. Our parents |
| 00:14:26 |
Slash-fuckhead for bringing up |
| 00:14:29 |
It's nice to meet you. |
| 00:14:30 |
- Nice to meet you. |
| 00:14:33 |
What's the plan? Bring this girl |
| 00:14:36 |
...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat? |
| 00:14:38 |
No. Tonight is the night |
| 00:14:41 |
Tank, this girl... This girl is my |
| 00:14:45 |
Not if you want to fuck her. |
| 00:14:47 |
You, what is the nicest thing |
| 00:14:50 |
You complimented me |
| 00:14:53 |
Okay, look, I'm not you, okay? |
| 00:14:54 |
I'm not gonna manipulate her, |
| 00:14:58 |
- I'm just gonna be myself. |
| 00:15:00 |
Yourself is a repressed headcase that |
| 00:15:03 |
By hiding porn, taking her to joints |
| 00:15:07 |
...you're not showing the real you. |
| 00:15:10 |
- Thus, in fact, you're conning her. |
| 00:15:15 |
I love her. Alexis... |
| 00:15:18 |
Alexis is my angel. |
| 00:15:22 |
You get it, right? |
| 00:15:26 |
We don't get it. We don't. |
| 00:15:28 |
Anyway, we can skip this |
| 00:15:30 |
- I'm already late. |
| 00:15:32 |
I wanna know something. |
| 00:15:34 |
- What's her name? |
| 00:15:35 |
If this chick Alexis means so much to |
| 00:15:39 |
Because she means |
| 00:15:41 |
Mazel tov, man. |
| 00:15:45 |
What about that girl at camp who |
| 00:15:49 |
- Jackie? We were 15. |
| 00:15:53 |
What about Gracie, love of your life... |
| 00:15:55 |
...till you caught her blowing Holstein |
| 00:15:58 |
- What's your point? |
| 00:16:01 |
Melissa, your barista. |
| 00:16:04 |
- Why you gotta be such an asshole? |
| 00:16:06 |
Good luck. If you need them, |
| 00:16:10 |
If not, Jergens lotion, |
| 00:16:24 |
Dusty, this is absurd. |
| 00:16:28 |
What? You love steak, |
| 00:16:30 |
- You're a vegan. |
| 00:16:35 |
I feel a little guilty loving steak |
| 00:16:40 |
But whatever. |
| 00:16:43 |
I love the way you eat. |
| 00:16:46 |
I love that you eat. |
| 00:16:48 |
I love that you pay. |
| 00:16:53 |
Seriously, though, I just love |
| 00:16:59 |
I love it... I love you, Alexis. |
| 00:17:06 |
Oh, shit. |
| 00:17:09 |
We just said more than once |
| 00:17:15 |
- We work together, we're friends. |
| 00:17:19 |
Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be |
| 00:17:23 |
I'm the dude. |
| 00:17:24 |
The dude can't just come out with: |
| 00:17:26 |
"I've loved you since the moment |
| 00:17:29 |
...a lender's agreement, |
| 00:17:31 |
...while some pretty boy |
| 00:17:33 |
- Michi Yamana. |
| 00:17:38 |
So I love you, madly. |
| 00:17:40 |
Sorry. L... I... I know I need to stop. |
| 00:17:42 |
Now, stop. Just stop speaking, |
| 00:17:45 |
I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh? |
| 00:17:50 |
- What do I say here, but...? |
| 00:17:52 |
But do you know how hard it's been |
| 00:17:55 |
- It's been five weeks. |
| 00:17:56 |
We haven't even had sex. |
| 00:18:01 |
Well, that's why we're here, Alexis. |
| 00:18:07 |
I think I'm ready |
| 00:18:10 |
Sex isn't a step, Dustin. |
| 00:18:13 |
Being exclusive would be a step |
| 00:18:17 |
Then let's move in together. |
| 00:18:23 |
I need you to take me home. |
| 00:18:25 |
But it just felt so right. |
| 00:18:29 |
No, it does, it feels right. |
| 00:18:30 |
Just not right now. |
| 00:18:35 |
"Just not right now." |
| 00:18:43 |
Oh, God. |
| 00:18:53 |
God, I'm a fag. |
| 00:19:00 |
- Dude, you canceled Spice. |
| 00:19:06 |
Someone had a rough night. |
| 00:19:09 |
I'm Mr. Right... |
| 00:19:11 |
...just not Mr. Right Now. |
| 00:19:16 |
What...? What does that even mean? |
| 00:19:19 |
- I told her I loved her... |
| 00:19:22 |
What? |
| 00:19:24 |
I went in early. No, no, I know. |
| 00:19:30 |
- Thanks for your support. Sweet. |
| 00:19:35 |
Dusty, look. |
| 00:19:38 |
This too shall pass, all right? |
| 00:19:41 |
But that journey begins... |
| 00:19:44 |
...with self-exploration. |
| 00:19:46 |
And I'm holding the map, Dusty. |
| 00:19:49 |
Hey. |
| 00:19:51 |
Kid, I got your 'bate crate. |
| 00:19:54 |
You know how much |
| 00:19:56 |
"I'm like comfort food for your penis." |
| 00:20:01 |
- What do I do? |
| 00:20:03 |
What do you do? |
| 00:20:06 |
Stalk her. But you're never gonna |
| 00:20:10 |
Never have a family but you could |
| 00:20:13 |
Murder-suicide, |
| 00:20:16 |
- Or I could just hire you. |
| 00:20:19 |
- Why not? |
| 00:20:21 |
Well, technically |
| 00:20:25 |
Go to bed, Dust. |
| 00:20:27 |
You're serious. Okay. |
| 00:20:30 |
I'll get serious. |
| 00:20:32 |
If I do this... |
| 00:20:37 |
If I do this, I'm gonna make it |
| 00:20:41 |
My fucking masterpiece. |
| 00:20:42 |
She'll lose her shit |
| 00:20:45 |
I'm talking about a Turkish twist, |
| 00:20:49 |
Her brain'll be rocking back and forth |
| 00:20:54 |
Okay? I'm talking about |
| 00:20:57 |
I'll be flying up into the sky. |
| 00:20:59 |
She's gonna cry tears that form |
| 00:21:04 |
Yes? Am I doing it? |
| 00:21:08 |
Okay, that was weird. |
| 00:21:11 |
Listen, rain check, maybe though. |
| 00:21:14 |
Wow, can't believe I almost resorted |
| 00:21:18 |
You're sweet. |
| 00:21:20 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:21:24 |
A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly. |
| 00:21:31 |
Don't say a word. |
| 00:21:56 |
God! Son of... |
| 00:21:59 |
Why? That stupid... |
| 00:22:06 |
Hi. Tank Turner, |
| 00:22:08 |
How may I help you today? |
| 00:22:10 |
Excuse me, do you have any idea |
| 00:22:13 |
It's been like an hour and a half. |
| 00:22:15 |
Hello. In your manual... |
| 00:22:17 |
...you've expressed a possibility |
| 00:22:20 |
"Faint aroma," it says here on page 7. |
| 00:22:25 |
It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude. |
| 00:22:28 |
Because apparently |
| 00:22:32 |
...so that my sweet-ass condo smells |
| 00:22:37 |
- Touchdown. |
| 00:22:39 |
You suck. |
| 00:22:41 |
Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but |
| 00:22:46 |
New girl. |
| 00:22:51 |
New girl |
| 00:22:53 |
Ooh, new girl |
| 00:22:57 |
Did the emotional terrorist win? |
| 00:22:59 |
I just... You know, it's funny. |
| 00:23:02 |
...until somebody actually |
| 00:23:05 |
They're actually really good. |
| 00:23:07 |
- Just tell me how it works. |
| 00:23:09 |
Before she can love you, |
| 00:23:12 |
But before she can hate me, |
| 00:23:15 |
That may be |
| 00:23:18 |
So I set up the meet-cute. |
| 00:23:19 |
In every movie, |
| 00:23:22 |
Since every woman is looking |
| 00:23:25 |
...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies, |
| 00:23:28 |
Here. |
| 00:23:30 |
Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it. |
| 00:24:08 |
Are you okay? |
| 00:24:13 |
That was rough. I'm Alexis. |
| 00:24:26 |
Wow, that looked really real. |
| 00:24:28 |
- Is that real? |
| 00:24:31 |
Okay. So, like, what happens now? |
| 00:24:34 |
...for a couple weeks. Slowly, |
| 00:24:37 |
- Daddy bee's got the honey. |
| 00:24:40 |
- Let's go eat. |
| 00:24:43 |
Now, remember, she's classy. |
| 00:24:46 |
Or wait, wait, drive-through. |
| 00:24:48 |
Do I tell you what flavor of jam |
| 00:24:51 |
No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay? |
| 00:24:55 |
There's a place in Revere, |
| 00:24:58 |
Arlington, you can have |
| 00:25:00 |
...take a dump on your lap |
| 00:25:03 |
I know a spot in P-town, you can get |
| 00:25:07 |
You gotta trust me. |
| 00:25:12 |
All right. Good luck. |
| 00:25:19 |
- Do not wear that, please. |
| 00:25:22 |
Just take this. |
| 00:25:24 |
Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to |
| 00:25:27 |
That's disgusting. |
| 00:25:30 |
Dustin's a good guy. |
| 00:25:32 |
- You're such a fucking girl sometimes. |
| 00:25:35 |
A good guy? Who cares? |
| 00:25:36 |
A good guy is, like, |
| 00:25:40 |
- Listen to me. In the real world... Ami. |
| 00:25:44 |
- In the real world... |
| 00:25:47 |
What if he's a good man |
| 00:25:50 |
...and he's smart? And if |
| 00:25:54 |
If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, |
| 00:25:58 |
Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach |
| 00:26:02 |
...years and years of promiscuity |
| 00:26:04 |
- What is this outfit? |
| 00:26:06 |
Hey, how many guys |
| 00:26:08 |
- Like, total? Three, right? |
| 00:26:13 |
- Two? |
| 00:26:16 |
Well, okay. That's, like, the first |
| 00:26:20 |
Didn't anybody ever tell you |
| 00:26:23 |
...before you get to suck a prince? |
| 00:26:26 |
I believe it's "kiss." |
| 00:26:28 |
Pretend it's a year abroad, you know? |
| 00:26:30 |
But instead of going to Europe, you're |
| 00:26:35 |
- It's awesome. |
| 00:26:38 |
Good. You need it. You need it. |
| 00:26:40 |
Now tell me something. |
| 00:26:45 |
- I see into the... |
| 00:26:49 |
An inordinate amount |
| 00:26:52 |
...which some, |
| 00:26:57 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:27:01 |
Okay, that will do nicely. |
| 00:27:03 |
- You, show her a good time tonight. |
| 00:27:06 |
- Show her a good time. |
| 00:27:08 |
- Such a good time. Love you. |
| 00:27:10 |
Don't be scared without me. |
| 00:27:12 |
- I'll be back. I'll be back. |
| 00:27:15 |
- She's my roommate. |
| 00:27:18 |
Actually, I'm sure she does. |
| 00:27:21 |
You're pretty drunk. |
| 00:27:22 |
I'm pretty ready to rock. |
| 00:27:28 |
Oh, boy. |
| 00:27:30 |
Tank, is this a Mustang? |
| 00:27:32 |
It's a GTO. |
| 00:27:35 |
- A... Whatever that means. |
| 00:27:40 |
Well, listen, I just wanna warn you, |
| 00:27:43 |
Oh, that's cool. That's cool. |
| 00:27:50 |
Hey, this is my... |
| 00:28:07 |
- Let's go. |
| 00:28:12 |
- This is a first, Tank. |
| 00:28:16 |
Should we sit front row and center? |
| 00:28:21 |
Oh, wild. |
| 00:28:24 |
Yeah, can we get |
| 00:28:26 |
And put the chop-chop on that, lady. |
| 00:28:28 |
Could you make mine a double? |
| 00:28:38 |
Okay, let's slow down, princess. |
| 00:28:39 |
You're getting sloshed |
| 00:28:43 |
- I never went to prom. I never went. |
| 00:28:47 |
I had the date, I had the dress. |
| 00:28:49 |
But prom was the night my dog |
| 00:28:52 |
...and we had to put him down. |
| 00:28:54 |
And I will never... Oh, my goodness. |
| 00:28:57 |
- Ever forget the horror |
| 00:28:59 |
...as his paw went limp in my hand. |
| 00:29:03 |
It was horrible. Blood. |
| 00:29:05 |
I'm sure that's not the only thing |
| 00:29:09 |
I will say it. In all sincerity, |
| 00:29:12 |
It's sad to lose a pet. |
| 00:29:14 |
Where do they learn how to do this? |
| 00:29:16 |
- Well, I taught them a few things. |
| 00:29:23 |
That's incredible. |
| 00:29:27 |
What is that? |
| 00:29:29 |
- What is that? |
| 00:29:47 |
That looks pretty. |
| 00:29:50 |
- I'm gonna go pee. |
| 00:29:55 |
Hey, I can't talk. |
| 00:29:57 |
- Where are you? |
| 00:29:59 |
They suck, but I'm seeing them |
| 00:30:02 |
- Put your "Guitar Hero" down. |
| 00:30:05 |
I'm not playing "Guitar Hero." |
| 00:30:09 |
Just put it down. |
| 00:30:11 |
All right. What's the story? |
| 00:30:13 |
I am drunk and he's either |
| 00:30:18 |
...or trying to convince me |
| 00:30:21 |
Either way, even a broken clock is |
| 00:30:25 |
Come on. How better to |
| 00:30:28 |
Than to bang this guy, |
| 00:30:30 |
...but probably hung like Seabiscuit. |
| 00:30:34 |
Now go. Go and bang. Bang |
| 00:30:38 |
And do it for Dustin. |
| 00:30:42 |
Jesus. |
| 00:30:44 |
- Baby doll... |
| 00:30:46 |
- Hi. |
| 00:30:48 |
- Nice to meet you. |
| 00:30:50 |
And when it comes to love, |
| 00:30:54 |
It's not your friends, |
| 00:30:57 |
It's that little voice |
| 00:31:04 |
"Listen to me." |
| 00:31:15 |
Watch this. It's a game. |
| 00:31:18 |
And I look out the peephole. |
| 00:31:20 |
It's the mailman. |
| 00:31:26 |
Would it hurt you to play with her tits? |
| 00:31:32 |
You can stay there. That's good. |
| 00:31:34 |
Oh, you grab that. |
| 00:31:36 |
- There won't be a next time. |
| 00:31:45 |
And our motto, basically, |
| 00:31:49 |
"Without air, we cannot live." |
| 00:31:52 |
- Stop. |
| 00:31:53 |
I get it. You're a dick. |
| 00:31:56 |
I'm sufficiently offended. |
| 00:31:59 |
Done. |
| 00:32:23 |
Coming up? |
| 00:32:38 |
Suit yourself. |
| 00:32:42 |
Enjoy the long ride home. |
| 00:32:53 |
I'm going home, okay? |
| 00:32:54 |
Why am I going home? |
| 00:32:56 |
I'm getting in the car. Eyes |
| 00:33:01 |
Can't do it. |
| 00:33:03 |
Just start the car. |
| 00:33:06 |
Just gotta start the car, |
| 00:33:09 |
Why? Because, look. Your head's |
| 00:33:12 |
...and you're gonna go home |
| 00:33:16 |
Why would she call me? |
| 00:33:18 |
Because she's what? Dusty's |
| 00:33:22 |
She is Dusty's girlfriend. |
| 00:33:25 |
Listen to me. |
| 00:33:30 |
What is wrong with you, asshole? |
| 00:33:47 |
You asked me to trust you. |
| 00:33:54 |
- And I trusted you. |
| 00:33:57 |
Somehow. |
| 00:33:58 |
Some way. |
| 00:34:02 |
Thank you. |
| 00:34:09 |
Dude, you did it. She just called. |
| 00:34:11 |
Okay, quote, |
| 00:34:14 |
"I just had the worst night of my life." |
| 00:34:16 |
We're having lunch tomorrow. |
| 00:34:18 |
Tank, we're having lunch. |
| 00:34:20 |
Dude, when it comes to being |
| 00:34:23 |
Genius. |
| 00:34:29 |
Anything for a friend. |
| 00:34:32 |
So about the other night. |
| 00:34:35 |
Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid. |
| 00:34:37 |
It's just... I've never gone this far |
| 00:34:41 |
- And I just lost it. |
| 00:34:43 |
I was stupid and harsh... |
| 00:34:46 |
...and I'm sorry. |
| 00:34:47 |
Last night I went out |
| 00:34:51 |
It just made me realize |
| 00:34:56 |
But it also made me realize |
| 00:34:58 |
How few guys |
| 00:35:01 |
Like, none. I need to date |
| 00:35:03 |
...other people. I'm just saying that... |
| 00:35:06 |
What I'm trying to say is that |
| 00:35:11 |
Like, be friends. |
| 00:35:13 |
I like you as my friend. |
| 00:35:23 |
Start over... |
| 00:35:25 |
...as friends first. |
| 00:35:27 |
Like Harry and Sally. |
| 00:35:32 |
I think the point of that movie was that |
| 00:35:36 |
No, no, no, |
| 00:35:39 |
...even date other people, |
| 00:35:42 |
...in the end. As long |
| 00:35:45 |
Yeah. |
| 00:35:47 |
This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go |
| 00:35:53 |
It's an on-again, off-again, |
| 00:35:55 |
She's freaking out, treating me like |
| 00:35:59 |
I'm really glad we had this talk, |
| 00:36:04 |
Dude. You check out that sandwich |
| 00:36:06 |
Bread is, like, |
| 00:36:09 |
Only in America. Fuck me. |
| 00:36:10 |
Clean air probably shouldn't stink |
| 00:36:14 |
I got a real fucking tough guy |
| 00:36:16 |
I got a guy on the verge of a five-state |
| 00:36:20 |
Ready? Three, two, one. |
| 00:36:22 |
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor. |
| 00:36:25 |
- Make me proud. |
| 00:36:28 |
Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay. |
| 00:36:30 |
- How may I help you? |
| 00:36:34 |
- Please hold. |
| 00:36:39 |
Treat her like a bowling ball. |
| 00:36:41 |
Strike. |
| 00:36:42 |
Dust, hold on one second, all right? |
| 00:36:44 |
Sir, I looked into the problem |
| 00:36:48 |
- What's up, kid? |
| 00:36:49 |
She wants to see other people. |
| 00:36:51 |
She said she wants |
| 00:36:53 |
She did. That's why |
| 00:36:56 |
Except this time, |
| 00:36:59 |
I'm talking public defecation. |
| 00:37:01 |
Dust, you're freaking me out here, |
| 00:37:05 |
You can't go in there crazy |
| 00:37:08 |
Besides, what makes you think |
| 00:37:12 |
Don't worry, I'm taking care of that. |
| 00:37:14 |
No, you're not. You do... Dust. |
| 00:37:17 |
Don't do anything, okay? Listen. |
| 00:37:20 |
I have to teach a training seminar |
| 00:37:25 |
All right. |
| 00:37:28 |
- You're late, Tank. |
| 00:37:31 |
- You're Tank, right? |
| 00:37:33 |
No, Roger's friend Sonny |
| 00:37:36 |
Walk with me. |
| 00:37:37 |
- You're late. |
| 00:37:39 |
I'm going crazy without her. |
| 00:37:42 |
- You're late. |
| 00:37:43 |
Okay, religious girl. |
| 00:37:46 |
- You're late. |
| 00:37:47 |
She's a high-school English teacher. |
| 00:37:49 |
Guy can't really hang around a |
| 00:37:53 |
- She gets her hair done Tuesdays. |
| 00:37:55 |
What'd you do? Foot in your mouth? |
| 00:37:59 |
Let's say you're gonna have to be |
| 00:38:02 |
It's what I do. |
| 00:38:04 |
- You're late. |
| 00:38:06 |
Everybody, you're late. |
| 00:38:08 |
I'm Tank and I will be brief. |
| 00:38:10 |
Here at Airmeister |
| 00:38:13 |
No refunds. |
| 00:38:15 |
The beauty of an air purifier is that |
| 00:38:19 |
Amanda, you saucy tart. |
| 00:38:22 |
I'm talking about DEFCON 2 |
| 00:38:25 |
Who do you got for me, baby? |
| 00:38:26 |
I have just the one for you. She's |
| 00:38:31 |
Put her through. |
| 00:38:35 |
Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. |
| 00:38:39 |
Before we even discuss |
| 00:38:41 |
...which is a whole other mystery... |
| 00:38:43 |
...I demand an explanation |
| 00:38:45 |
Ma'am, I'm fully concerned. |
| 00:38:48 |
Are you gay? |
| 00:38:50 |
Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous |
| 00:38:55 |
...could be as devastating to me |
| 00:38:59 |
Dissatisfaction? |
| 00:39:00 |
Yes, I mean if the unit's performance |
| 00:39:05 |
See, I never saw your unit. I gave |
| 00:39:09 |
Ma'am, you're upset. |
| 00:39:10 |
I'm upset. I'm upset that you will |
| 00:39:15 |
...to sit on a hot, sweaty |
| 00:39:19 |
...and let that unit blow |
| 00:39:23 |
You think after the shit |
| 00:39:26 |
...that I called just so |
| 00:39:30 |
I gave you a one-time |
| 00:39:32 |
Good sex. Hot sex. |
| 00:39:34 |
L... I... I fucking roofied myself. |
| 00:39:39 |
I'm a little confused. Amanda? |
| 00:39:41 |
You're confused? |
| 00:39:43 |
...because I don't know what kind |
| 00:39:46 |
...and then when it actually comes |
| 00:39:50 |
Like a total asshole. |
| 00:39:52 |
Making me look like |
| 00:39:55 |
...for offering some big-ass asshole |
| 00:40:01 |
What kind of asshole are you? |
| 00:40:05 |
This is actually a personal call. |
| 00:40:08 |
Dude, you are so hired. |
| 00:40:10 |
Excuse me for a second. |
| 00:40:12 |
Shit. |
| 00:40:14 |
Asshole. |
| 00:40:30 |
Sorry. Offer expired. |
| 00:40:39 |
Did you really think roses and a poem |
| 00:40:44 |
You rhymed "apology" |
| 00:40:46 |
- I'm... |
| 00:40:49 |
You're right, |
| 00:40:51 |
I didn't sleep with you |
| 00:40:54 |
- There, I said it. |
| 00:40:55 |
Thank you so much |
| 00:40:58 |
...from what could've been |
| 00:41:00 |
- And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana. |
| 00:41:03 |
You're below my standards. |
| 00:41:05 |
- And I've taken down some real hogs. |
| 00:41:10 |
I bet your sex life is |
| 00:41:12 |
You know what? |
| 00:41:15 |
That means I have to wear |
| 00:41:17 |
...just in case |
| 00:41:20 |
You sure it's not just a size thing? |
| 00:41:22 |
Because it's gotta be tough standing at |
| 00:41:26 |
At least I can hide my shame |
| 00:41:28 |
What really sucks is having an ass... |
| 00:41:30 |
...the size of a miniature |
| 00:41:34 |
- Don't... |
| 00:41:36 |
You think that's too small? |
| 00:41:57 |
So you said do nothing, |
| 00:41:59 |
I sent her a couple hundred bucks |
| 00:42:03 |
A few stanzas, no big deal. |
| 00:42:05 |
No, she didn't. |
| 00:42:06 |
Dusty, these women, they have |
| 00:42:10 |
I'm gonna give you |
| 00:42:12 |
Listen to me. |
| 00:42:14 |
She's built for destruction. |
| 00:42:16 |
You know who you have to trust, |
| 00:42:20 |
Yeah. It's time to let her go. |
| 00:42:23 |
Just let her go. Move on. |
| 00:42:25 |
You want me to move on? |
| 00:42:28 |
Give up. Want me to give up. That's |
| 00:42:32 |
That doesn't quite work for me, okay? |
| 00:42:35 |
I'm not some sort of misogynist... |
| 00:42:37 |
...that can just swap out women |
| 00:42:40 |
I love her, Tank. I care more |
| 00:42:43 |
- You will never understand that. |
| 00:42:46 |
She said she wants to be friends. |
| 00:42:50 |
You know what? I'll give her a friend. |
| 00:42:53 |
I'll be the best goddamn friend |
| 00:43:26 |
Today was a good day for us. |
| 00:43:28 |
We made eye contact, |
| 00:43:31 |
I gotta run. |
| 00:43:44 |
Turn. |
| 00:43:53 |
She's really tough to read. |
| 00:43:55 |
Really tough to read. |
| 00:43:56 |
I felt like... I felt like |
| 00:44:03 |
Totally. Hey, can we do this later? |
| 00:44:41 |
It's hot. |
| 00:44:48 |
Where you going? |
| 00:45:13 |
She's seeing someone. |
| 00:45:17 |
Dusty. |
| 00:45:19 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:45:22 |
Sitting in the dark like a vampire, |
| 00:45:24 |
She's seeing someone. |
| 00:45:28 |
We don't go out at night. |
| 00:45:31 |
She's seeing someone. |
| 00:45:34 |
- And I'm gonna find out who. |
| 00:45:36 |
You're giving off more of |
| 00:45:39 |
...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros |
| 00:45:41 |
Stop. Intervention time. |
| 00:45:43 |
It's time to forget about Alexis. |
| 00:45:45 |
It's time to wipe the cobwebs |
| 00:45:51 |
I don't think she'd be cool with that. |
| 00:45:53 |
Look at me, please. You definitely... |
| 00:45:56 |
You need to get laid. |
| 00:45:58 |
And if you'll listen to me, |
| 00:46:00 |
This is one of the most important |
| 00:46:04 |
A haircut? |
| 00:46:06 |
Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me. |
| 00:46:08 |
You look like Chewbacca and |
| 00:46:10 |
...the baby took a shit, |
| 00:46:13 |
...moments before styling your hair. |
| 00:46:15 |
- A bit harsh. |
| 00:46:18 |
Grab a seat. |
| 00:46:22 |
Great article. I've read that. |
| 00:46:25 |
My associate here is looking for |
| 00:46:28 |
And this place was recommended to |
| 00:46:33 |
Well, is he looking |
| 00:46:36 |
Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do. |
| 00:46:42 |
- I'm Hilary. |
| 00:46:45 |
- This is Dustin. |
| 00:46:49 |
So I've got an $85 haircut |
| 00:46:52 |
Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny. |
| 00:46:54 |
In return, |
| 00:46:56 |
Let's just call her a confidence booster. |
| 00:47:00 |
I hope that's a baseball metaphor. |
| 00:47:02 |
This pitch is in your wheelhouse. |
| 00:47:05 |
- Hey, beauty queen. |
| 00:47:08 |
I've got these little... |
| 00:47:10 |
Yeah. |
| 00:47:13 |
- Shit. |
| 00:47:15 |
No, I'm sorry. Sorry. |
| 00:47:18 |
- Is there any other way we could...? |
| 00:47:22 |
Guess what. |
| 00:47:25 |
Okay, hold still. |
| 00:47:28 |
What about, like, frosting my tips? |
| 00:47:31 |
What are you, a Mini-Wheat? |
| 00:47:32 |
Listen, this girl's not Alexis. |
| 00:47:36 |
...not stuffed animals. |
| 00:47:38 |
How do you know that Alexis |
| 00:47:50 |
- Wait. |
| 00:47:51 |
- Fuck. |
| 00:47:54 |
This stuff happens in salons. |
| 00:47:57 |
- Tell him it's fixable. |
| 00:47:59 |
Makeup, little shading, |
| 00:48:01 |
How about an eyebrow toupee? |
| 00:48:03 |
- Where's my eyebrow? |
| 00:48:05 |
Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me! |
| 00:48:08 |
That's a new look. |
| 00:48:09 |
- You can fix it, right? |
| 00:48:12 |
- It's in the back. |
| 00:48:14 |
- You're the bitch, bitch. |
| 00:48:17 |
- He's follicly deformed. |
| 00:48:20 |
Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless |
| 00:48:24 |
Yeah. |
| 00:48:25 |
- Come here. Come here, sit down. |
| 00:48:30 |
You gotta be brave, man. |
| 00:48:33 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:48:35 |
- Do it. It's good. |
| 00:48:37 |
You know what? |
| 00:48:40 |
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. |
| 00:48:44 |
- It better be hot. |
| 00:48:49 |
Fuck. |
| 00:48:52 |
Bad, bad times. |
| 00:48:56 |
Oh, my fucking shit. |
| 00:49:00 |
I'm coming. |
| 00:49:04 |
Oh, those are lovely. |
| 00:49:07 |
And I see |
| 00:49:11 |
- True. |
| 00:49:15 |
Come on in. She'll be right out. |
| 00:49:19 |
I'm sorry, I was |
| 00:49:23 |
Us? No. |
| 00:49:28 |
Are you calling me a lay-up? |
| 00:49:30 |
No. God, no. No. |
| 00:49:36 |
They told me you were taller. |
| 00:49:39 |
Just for peace of mind, |
| 00:49:42 |
In the middle of a brutal divorce |
| 00:49:46 |
Cool. |
| 00:49:47 |
I mean, not cool. |
| 00:49:50 |
Here you go. |
| 00:49:51 |
Lilies. Thoughtful. |
| 00:49:57 |
- Sorry. |
| 00:50:00 |
- Thanks. |
| 00:50:02 |
My friend said |
| 00:50:04 |
I don't know if I would say |
| 00:50:07 |
I've been known to be |
| 00:50:12 |
How cute, |
| 00:50:15 |
Oh, no, you're a sweetheart, |
| 00:50:18 |
I mean, Claire needs someone like you |
| 00:50:22 |
Someone nice. |
| 00:50:25 |
Nice is nice. |
| 00:50:28 |
- Should I take those? |
| 00:50:31 |
I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late. |
| 00:50:33 |
Can I get you something |
| 00:50:40 |
- Yeah, actually, as a matter of fact. |
| 00:50:42 |
You can. |
| 00:50:46 |
I'll have what he's having. |
| 00:50:48 |
- What the fuck? |
| 00:50:51 |
- He just said he wants... |
| 00:50:53 |
He looked at Liam, |
| 00:50:56 |
- "I'll have what he's having." |
| 00:50:58 |
- What does that even mean? |
| 00:51:01 |
- I'll ex... Let me explain. |
| 00:51:03 |
- No. |
| 00:51:05 |
...life-giving, mothering, nurturing |
| 00:51:09 |
What's wrong with you? |
| 00:51:11 |
- She's got a child. |
| 00:51:13 |
- A child. |
| 00:51:15 |
- You wanna breast-feed. |
| 00:51:17 |
That's what this is. |
| 00:51:19 |
You're some fetishistic monster |
| 00:51:23 |
- Okay, I was just kidding. |
| 00:51:26 |
I was gonna throw myself at you, |
| 00:51:31 |
I was just joking... |
| 00:51:32 |
- Can we just start over? |
| 00:51:34 |
- I just wanna start... |
| 00:51:38 |
Groucho here made a mark |
| 00:51:41 |
...and stealing my baby's milk... |
| 00:51:44 |
...and is consequently leaving. |
| 00:51:46 |
- Get the fuck out! |
| 00:51:48 |
- I'm just... I'm sorry. |
| 00:51:51 |
- I'm really sorry. |
| 00:51:54 |
Come here. |
| 00:52:01 |
You got shot down... |
| 00:52:03 |
...in a blaze of glory. |
| 00:52:07 |
You cost me a job, man. |
| 00:52:09 |
I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. |
| 00:52:14 |
- Forty... Fifty if it's past 11. |
| 00:52:17 |
Here's 60 for your trouble. |
| 00:52:20 |
Sweet. |
| 00:52:22 |
Hey, for another 60, |
| 00:52:27 |
Jesus. Do I really |
| 00:52:34 |
There's no milk, but I'll let you suck tit |
| 00:52:41 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:53:12 |
Alexis! |
| 00:53:14 |
Alexis! |
| 00:53:17 |
Alexis, I love you! |
| 00:53:19 |
I love you, Alexis. |
| 00:53:24 |
Alexis, come to the door. |
| 00:53:28 |
Come on. |
| 00:53:31 |
- Oh, Dobler. |
| 00:53:32 |
Hi there. I'm so sorry, |
| 00:53:37 |
Holy shit, what is |
| 00:53:39 |
- Seriously, I think there's something... |
| 00:53:43 |
But they're just hanging out, right? |
| 00:53:46 |
No, no, no. |
| 00:53:49 |
No, no. God, no. How many times |
| 00:53:51 |
- How many times have they...? Not... |
| 00:53:54 |
No, he just comes over and |
| 00:53:58 |
- What? |
| 00:54:00 |
Think about it. She's up there with |
| 00:54:04 |
...so one day she can settle down |
| 00:54:07 |
- I love her. I love her. |
| 00:54:08 |
- You'd better be ready. I'm serious. |
| 00:54:12 |
Alexis. Ale... |
| 00:54:17 |
Dustin, what are you doing here? |
| 00:54:21 |
- What is he doing here? |
| 00:54:23 |
It's Tank. |
| 00:54:27 |
- This is the guy you're with? |
| 00:54:30 |
I'm not... We're not together. |
| 00:54:32 |
I mean, no offense, Tank, |
| 00:54:35 |
I told you. I told you that |
| 00:54:38 |
...and I was gonna see other people |
| 00:54:41 |
...and get some experience |
| 00:54:43 |
...and live my life a little bit. For once |
| 00:54:47 |
...and that's exactly what I'm doing. |
| 00:54:53 |
- Should I go? |
| 00:54:55 |
- I'm gonna go. |
| 00:54:57 |
- Yeah. Yeah. |
| 00:54:58 |
- You know what? I'll go. |
| 00:55:00 |
I should get going, I have a big day |
| 00:55:04 |
I have shit to do too. |
| 00:55:05 |
- Really? |
| 00:55:06 |
- I'll call you later. |
| 00:55:09 |
- No, after you. |
| 00:55:10 |
No, no, please, Tank. You go first. |
| 00:55:12 |
- All right. |
| 00:55:17 |
- How can I trust you? |
| 00:55:20 |
Hey, I wasn't kidding. |
| 00:55:26 |
Dusty... |
| 00:55:38 |
I thought so. |
| 00:55:45 |
So we remember |
| 00:55:48 |
"A woman has got to be able to say, |
| 00:55:54 |
'Who am I... |
| 00:55:57 |
...and what do I want out of life?"' |
| 00:56:00 |
That's why my Women's Studies |
| 00:56:03 |
...on the liberation, |
| 00:56:11 |
...of you... |
| 00:56:16 |
...and you... |
| 00:56:21 |
...and you. |
| 00:56:24 |
Enjoy your weekend, |
| 00:56:31 |
The man is Oprah. |
| 00:56:39 |
Would you all excuse me |
| 00:56:46 |
- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. |
| 00:56:49 |
If there's anything else I can get for |
| 00:56:53 |
One of my teaching assistants, and |
| 00:57:02 |
Last night, I fucked her |
| 00:57:07 |
True story. I'm jamming |
| 00:57:10 |
...I flip her over, she screams, |
| 00:57:13 |
I play the choirboy, "What's that?" |
| 00:57:16 |
...she's bucking like an epileptic |
| 00:57:19 |
I'm getting scared. |
| 00:57:20 |
As I'm working out the 911 phone call |
| 00:57:27 |
Like an air bag. |
| 00:57:32 |
Now, that's a Tuesday night. |
| 00:57:34 |
You got a good gig, Dad. |
| 00:57:36 |
How you doing, son? |
| 00:57:40 |
Dusty kicked me out. |
| 00:57:41 |
In all fairness, I was accidentally |
| 00:57:44 |
...but I feel like shit. |
| 00:57:47 |
Son, let me tell you a story. |
| 00:57:49 |
December, 1977, |
| 00:57:52 |
...throws one of her infamous |
| 00:57:55 |
...and I find myself sozzled in |
| 00:57:59 |
Now today, some might consider her |
| 00:58:01 |
...but back then, |
| 00:58:04 |
How I yearned for her. |
| 00:58:07 |
But I refrained because |
| 00:58:10 |
- I get it. I fucked up. |
| 00:58:14 |
The point is, is that two days later, |
| 00:58:17 |
...in the back of a Bonneville while |
| 00:58:22 |
Best Pontiac sex I've ever had. |
| 00:58:26 |
Okay, so you approve? |
| 00:58:30 |
Guilt is just one more thing |
| 00:58:35 |
You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV, |
| 00:58:48 |
All right, you know what? |
| 00:58:50 |
She's smart, she's cool, |
| 00:58:55 |
Ms. Barber, I must apologize |
| 00:59:00 |
Out of desperation, |
| 00:59:02 |
...a base-10 value number... |
| 00:59:04 |
...predicated solely |
| 00:59:06 |
That's... |
| 00:59:08 |
- That's wrong, Sherman. |
| 00:59:28 |
I moved from numbers a long time ago. |
| 00:59:32 |
That's ass-up polyurethane. Really |
| 00:59:35 |
It was too constricting. |
| 00:59:39 |
J. |
| 00:59:42 |
She smells like a J. |
| 00:59:44 |
E over there in the booth. |
| 00:59:46 |
An E is a 22 on a scale of 26. |
| 00:59:49 |
It gets easier with practice. |
| 00:59:53 |
- S. |
| 00:59:56 |
No, bad skin. She's a G, |
| 01:00:00 |
But that cougar over there, |
| 01:00:03 |
- She's a solid L. |
| 01:00:05 |
That woman is 62, |
| 01:00:08 |
...that L is a Y, and |
| 01:00:11 |
- Come on. |
| 01:00:13 |
No, good call, Sherm, good call. |
| 01:00:16 |
I've gotta get that Lasik. |
| 01:00:18 |
- So you gonna wing me or what? |
| 01:00:22 |
Being an educator, |
| 01:00:25 |
...A, B, C and D. |
| 01:00:27 |
...should stay with the back 13, |
| 01:00:30 |
Thanks, Dad. |
| 01:00:32 |
I told you about this girl. |
| 01:00:35 |
The other night, we're making love... |
| 01:00:37 |
...and we're just |
| 01:00:40 |
- Sharing the silence? |
| 01:00:42 |
What the fuck is wrong with you? |
| 01:00:45 |
"Making love"? |
| 01:00:47 |
Is this some Redbook interview? |
| 01:00:49 |
You sound like Liberace's |
| 01:00:51 |
"Let's just enjoy the silences |
| 01:00:54 |
- I have no son. I have no son. |
| 01:00:57 |
Good, keep talking. |
| 01:00:59 |
...there are cougars on my right |
| 01:01:02 |
- Can you listen? |
| 01:01:05 |
...and grab your gun. |
| 01:01:09 |
Of course I can, son. |
| 01:01:10 |
Since you fucked my chances with |
| 01:01:13 |
Not to mention the gay-caress |
| 01:01:17 |
Can't you just be my Dad |
| 01:01:19 |
Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real |
| 01:01:24 |
That girl was dating Dusty, |
| 01:01:27 |
She was slumming it, Sherman. |
| 01:01:30 |
"Now, the truth may set you free, |
| 01:01:34 |
Gloria Steinem said that. |
| 01:01:42 |
My son, the booty call. |
| 01:01:45 |
Thanks for the advice, professor. |
| 01:01:56 |
Shit. |
| 01:02:15 |
That was insane. |
| 01:02:22 |
It was insane, right? |
| 01:02:28 |
It was... |
| 01:02:34 |
Hey, can I have some of that? |
| 01:02:42 |
Who's that guy? |
| 01:02:44 |
That's Greg, he's an old friend. |
| 01:02:49 |
Why? |
| 01:02:52 |
Just I'm seeing, you know, |
| 01:02:57 |
One of his hands is almost near |
| 01:03:02 |
Did you guys ever hook up? Really? |
| 01:03:05 |
You're not serious, are you? |
| 01:03:09 |
No. No, I'm not serious at all. |
| 01:03:13 |
- I mean, you're in a picture with him. |
| 01:03:19 |
Why don't we have a picture? |
| 01:03:23 |
I don't know. |
| 01:03:26 |
- I can fix that. That's easy. |
| 01:03:28 |
- No, no. I'm naked. I don't want... Tank. |
| 01:03:32 |
- Come here. You're pushing me. |
| 01:03:34 |
- I'm out of the bed. |
| 01:03:35 |
- Okay. |
| 01:03:38 |
- I'm tired. |
| 01:03:46 |
Stupid idea. It's late. |
| 01:03:56 |
I gotta work tomorrow. |
| 01:04:00 |
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. |
| 01:04:07 |
You don't want me to stay tonight. |
| 01:04:12 |
- I just sort of feel like it's... |
| 01:04:17 |
Totally understandable. |
| 01:04:20 |
Yeah. |
| 01:06:01 |
Hi. |
| 01:06:03 |
What happened to 8? |
| 01:06:06 |
- Eight's good. |
| 01:06:09 |
Can we make it 9? |
| 01:06:11 |
I thought you wanted |
| 01:06:13 |
I did. And I did. |
| 01:06:17 |
Well, I'm not getting in a car |
| 01:06:19 |
Like I tell my students, |
| 01:06:23 |
No vehicle necessary, teach. |
| 01:06:27 |
It's good. Let's go. |
| 01:06:42 |
This is wrong. |
| 01:06:46 |
Let's eat. |
| 01:06:47 |
Right there. |
| 01:06:53 |
I'm starving. I wanted to show you |
| 01:06:57 |
"My cock plus your pussy equals..."? |
| 01:07:00 |
- "Good times"? |
| 01:07:03 |
Welcome to Cheesus Crust, |
| 01:07:06 |
How can I ordain your order? |
| 01:07:08 |
How is the Pizza of Nazareth? |
| 01:07:11 |
People worship it. |
| 01:07:15 |
- I'm deeply offended. |
| 01:07:18 |
These prices are outrageous. |
| 01:07:19 |
Which is why I carry |
| 01:07:22 |
Fifteen percent off, |
| 01:07:27 |
Do you think this is funny? |
| 01:07:32 |
Good night. |
| 01:07:35 |
- You people are sinners! |
| 01:07:38 |
...19 years ago before you stopped |
| 01:07:42 |
Have a blessed day. |
| 01:07:47 |
Fastest ever. |
| 01:08:13 |
Even Jesus had to eat. |
| 01:08:16 |
- Don't. |
| 01:08:19 |
Well, it was supposed to be |
| 01:08:23 |
You know, my last boyfriend |
| 01:08:26 |
Ever. |
| 01:08:27 |
He'd text me late at night |
| 01:08:30 |
...like he was ashamed |
| 01:08:34 |
- Please don't cry. Wait. Please? |
| 01:08:38 |
He's not using me, I'm using him. |
| 01:08:40 |
- And I'm in total control... |
| 01:08:44 |
- Yeah. |
| 01:08:46 |
But when that phone rang... |
| 01:08:48 |
...my heart leapt, and I was there. |
| 01:08:50 |
And now I finally get the chance to |
| 01:08:54 |
- I know, that sucks. |
| 01:08:58 |
I do. I do suck. |
| 01:09:02 |
I suck. |
| 01:09:08 |
You must be hungry. Let's go eat. |
| 01:09:13 |
My senior year, I take this girl |
| 01:09:19 |
About a week later, this frat boy |
| 01:09:22 |
"Only you could make me look good." |
| 01:09:26 |
All right? I laughed... |
| 01:09:29 |
...until one of his buddies |
| 01:09:33 |
"Can you help me with my ex?" |
| 01:09:35 |
- Tank was born. |
| 01:09:42 |
- I'm sorry. |
| 01:09:47 |
But... |
| 01:09:49 |
...do you enjoy it? |
| 01:09:50 |
I'm good at it. |
| 01:09:53 |
It's what I do. |
| 01:09:55 |
- You're like the anti-Cupid. |
| 01:10:01 |
Sorry. |
| 01:10:02 |
- Sorry. |
| 01:10:06 |
You know, in a cruel, twisted way... |
| 01:10:10 |
...you give couples a second chance. |
| 01:10:13 |
You're a closet romantic. |
| 01:10:15 |
- I don't know about that. |
| 01:10:18 |
You know you have to |
| 01:10:21 |
I can't. |
| 01:10:24 |
I can't. |
| 01:10:25 |
If you don't do this, |
| 01:10:28 |
You need to march up there |
| 01:10:32 |
Alexis. |
| 01:10:36 |
Alexis, it's Tank. |
| 01:10:38 |
Yeah. |
| 01:10:43 |
I'm just gonna say this. |
| 01:10:45 |
If you value this, us, we... |
| 01:10:49 |
...then you will let me take you |
| 01:10:53 |
- In public. |
| 01:10:55 |
Can we do the proper date |
| 01:11:00 |
- Tomorrow. |
| 01:11:02 |
Proper date. In public. |
| 01:11:04 |
- Get some... |
| 01:11:05 |
- Good night. |
| 01:11:25 |
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. |
| 01:11:30 |
This is for you. |
| 01:11:32 |
Oh, my God. |
| 01:11:35 |
- You gotta be kidding me. |
| 01:11:39 |
I never went to prom. |
| 01:11:41 |
I remember. |
| 01:11:46 |
Oh, yeah, that's right. |
| 01:11:55 |
She's got a shank. You might |
| 01:11:58 |
- They're with me, okay? Thanks. |
| 01:12:01 |
- Hi. Nice to meet you. |
| 01:12:04 |
Thank you. |
| 01:12:07 |
You two kids have fun. |
| 01:12:13 |
I'm having fun. |
| 01:12:15 |
Let's set the stage here. |
| 01:12:19 |
As you make the mistake of |
| 01:12:22 |
...a fine, young chap |
| 01:12:25 |
Strikingly handsome. Some |
| 01:12:28 |
He stops you and says, "Excuse me, |
| 01:12:31 |
- Don't tell me you dance. |
| 01:12:34 |
Never. |
| 01:12:38 |
Oh, my God. |
| 01:12:41 |
- Oh, my God. |
| 01:12:50 |
No way. |
| 01:12:56 |
For you. |
| 01:12:58 |
- Let's go. |
| 01:13:00 |
You're making this embarrassing- |
| 01:13:04 |
Look at this, check it out. |
| 01:13:08 |
- Did you see that little move? |
| 01:13:39 |
I got caught up. |
| 01:14:04 |
- Hi. |
| 01:14:31 |
Hey. |
| 01:14:36 |
Fun, huh? |
| 01:14:38 |
Yeah. |
| 01:14:44 |
You know you could have |
| 01:14:47 |
Hey, dude, look at me. |
| 01:14:50 |
Look at this. |
| 01:14:52 |
It's not about |
| 01:14:54 |
It's right here, okay? |
| 01:14:55 |
It's attitude, it's how you look at them. |
| 01:14:59 |
...they will be on you like acne. |
| 01:15:03 |
So, then, like, why have you been |
| 01:15:08 |
Pulling out chairs, |
| 01:15:10 |
I'm on a different plan. You're on a... |
| 01:15:15 |
"Can I wipe your ass, baby?" |
| 01:15:17 |
I was trying to help you, but fuck you. |
| 01:15:21 |
Fuck you, you hypocrite. |
| 01:15:22 |
"Hey nerd, let me give you |
| 01:15:25 |
Be cruel to women? |
| 01:15:27 |
Fat, pathetic, sad dork. |
| 01:15:28 |
- Old man at a high-school prom. |
| 01:15:34 |
Don't get ahead of yourself here. |
| 01:15:37 |
...but are you seeing anybody? |
| 01:15:40 |
No? |
| 01:15:42 |
- Are you? |
| 01:15:44 |
What about that awkward night |
| 01:15:47 |
You still calling him? |
| 01:15:49 |
He kind of disappeared. |
| 01:15:51 |
I haven't heard from him since he quit. |
| 01:15:53 |
Maybe you could call him. You know? |
| 01:15:56 |
See how he's holding up kind of thing. |
| 01:15:59 |
- What? |
| 01:16:01 |
It's... It's your choice. |
| 01:16:04 |
- No, I know. It's sweet. |
| 01:16:08 |
Even if it is a part of your whole show |
| 01:16:12 |
You're pulling out all the stops. |
| 01:16:16 |
Sweet Tank. |
| 01:16:23 |
You know what, though? |
| 01:16:28 |
I should call him. |
| 01:16:35 |
I think I'll say good night. |
| 01:16:37 |
- Yes, I will be going. |
| 01:16:39 |
Good night. |
| 01:16:41 |
I got what I wanted. A real first date. |
| 01:16:44 |
Although this may be the worst |
| 01:16:46 |
...l'm not good at the no-sex thing. |
| 01:16:50 |
Hey, if you insist on celibacy... |
| 01:16:53 |
...do you think we can have |
| 01:16:56 |
Because my sister is getting married. |
| 01:16:58 |
And it would be great... |
| 01:17:01 |
...if you'd come with me. |
| 01:17:04 |
Yes, I can do that. |
| 01:17:06 |
...because... |
| 01:17:10 |
After a while, crocodile. |
| 01:17:19 |
You know, it was really cool |
| 01:17:22 |
Lunch, wedding errands. |
| 01:17:25 |
I haven't seen you since I took |
| 01:17:28 |
Yeah, I heard you quit. |
| 01:17:30 |
Oh, no, no, no, I just... |
| 01:17:33 |
I just wanted to do |
| 01:17:43 |
- My sister picked it out. |
| 01:17:46 |
- The whole world should thank her. |
| 01:17:49 |
- Speaking of the devil. |
| 01:17:52 |
I love it. I love it so much. |
| 01:17:54 |
This is my friend, Dustin. |
| 01:17:56 |
- Oh, hi. |
| 01:17:58 |
- What? |
| 01:18:00 |
Alexis will not shut up about you, |
| 01:18:02 |
That was really smart. |
| 01:18:05 |
See, I brought mine too. Hi. |
| 01:18:07 |
It's really the only opinion |
| 01:18:12 |
Oh, my gosh. |
| 01:18:14 |
You have to see my dress. |
| 01:18:19 |
- Yeah, I did it when... |
| 01:18:21 |
I'm the... |
| 01:18:24 |
I just think that now's |
| 01:18:27 |
She's a little crazy, she's manic. |
| 01:18:29 |
I get that we're in slow-down mode... |
| 01:18:31 |
...but I'm not gonna, like, |
| 01:18:34 |
...under the pretext of the gay friend. |
| 01:18:37 |
What? No, I don't mean "meet |
| 01:18:41 |
I just mean at the wedding, |
| 01:18:44 |
- That's... What? |
| 01:18:47 |
- Dustin, you need to... |
| 01:18:48 |
Yeah, what? What is it? What? |
| 01:18:52 |
- Do you not want me to come? |
| 01:18:55 |
- You... You don't want me to...? |
| 01:18:59 |
Yeah, no. No. |
| 01:19:02 |
- Totally. You know what? Sorry. |
| 01:19:04 |
- That was presumptuous. |
| 01:19:07 |
...if I tell you something. |
| 01:19:10 |
I'm seeing somebody. |
| 01:19:12 |
And so I asked him |
| 01:19:19 |
- You're... You're upset. |
| 01:19:22 |
Upset? No. Why would I be upset? |
| 01:19:24 |
Come on. That's crazy. |
| 01:19:26 |
Like I'm a guy that gets upset. |
| 01:19:30 |
You know? I'm happy that... |
| 01:19:33 |
- That you found someone special. |
| 01:19:36 |
I still think that if you put the... |
| 01:19:38 |
- So, dish. |
| 01:19:40 |
Who is he? |
| 01:19:42 |
Yeah, I think that's too much shoe. |
| 01:19:47 |
Man-ischewitz, Sherman, |
| 01:19:51 |
You remind me of me |
| 01:19:53 |
I was one nasty son of a bitch. |
| 01:19:58 |
- Dad, why did Mom marry you? |
| 01:20:01 |
- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad. |
| 01:20:04 |
- The black on black. |
| 01:20:09 |
Your mother was |
| 01:20:11 |
...but she had awful judgment. |
| 01:20:15 |
She was always trying to |
| 01:20:18 |
Unfortunately, she found him |
| 01:20:23 |
Not good. |
| 01:20:24 |
See, I always knew that your mom was |
| 01:20:28 |
And I never asked the more |
| 01:20:31 |
Was I the best it was |
| 01:20:38 |
You're not so bad, Pop. |
| 01:20:43 |
I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah. |
| 01:20:46 |
And I'm a selfish asshole. |
| 01:20:55 |
And so are you. |
| 01:20:58 |
So I want you to get out there... |
| 01:21:02 |
...and I want you to revel in it. |
| 01:21:25 |
- Oh, my God. |
| 01:21:27 |
- You are hot as a pistol. |
| 01:21:30 |
- No, you. I am very... |
| 01:21:33 |
...impressed. You look beautiful. |
| 01:21:35 |
- Do you like the red lipstick? |
| 01:21:39 |
Okay, I gotta go... Josh. |
| 01:21:41 |
My future brother-in-law. Josh, |
| 01:21:45 |
Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom... |
| 01:21:47 |
...in today's performance of |
| 01:21:49 |
Okay, well, I'm gonna go |
| 01:21:53 |
- You want me to come? Lex? |
| 01:21:56 |
- Just breathe for a second, all right? |
| 01:21:59 |
Now adapt. |
| 01:22:00 |
- Are we adapting? |
| 01:22:02 |
Are we ready to evolve? |
| 01:22:04 |
You let fly one word |
| 01:22:06 |
...I will crush your nuts into butter. |
| 01:22:09 |
Like the kind at the health-food store, |
| 01:22:12 |
But... But, but... |
| 01:22:15 |
...you play ball, I will plant your flag |
| 01:22:18 |
I will make you family. |
| 01:22:21 |
...you wanna be family. |
| 01:22:24 |
- Money. |
| 01:22:27 |
Like, "money" money. |
| 01:22:29 |
Old money, new money, |
| 01:22:32 |
Family money, money. |
| 01:22:33 |
Okay, yeah. |
| 01:22:37 |
No. I know exactly |
| 01:22:40 |
It's Alexis who's got you all wrong. |
| 01:22:43 |
Let's do what we do, brother. |
| 01:22:46 |
- Brian. |
| 01:22:49 |
...from here on out, |
| 01:22:51 |
I'd like to introduce you to |
| 01:22:54 |
This is Alexis' guy. |
| 01:22:56 |
- I've heard so much about you. |
| 01:23:00 |
Forget it all. |
| 01:23:02 |
- Tank. |
| 01:23:07 |
Tank Turner is an asshole. |
| 01:23:11 |
- You brought Satan to my wedding? |
| 01:23:14 |
Or he's going to change. |
| 01:23:16 |
No. |
| 01:23:17 |
I'm sorry, but that is not enough. |
| 01:23:20 |
Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation |
| 01:23:23 |
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, |
| 01:23:26 |
What? |
| 01:23:29 |
I love him. |
| 01:23:40 |
- Hey, so... |
| 01:23:43 |
Oh, come here. |
| 01:23:50 |
- I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving. |
| 01:24:15 |
Are you the best |
| 01:24:29 |
Are you? |
| 01:25:45 |
If anyone here can show just cause |
| 01:25:49 |
...let them speak now |
| 01:25:54 |
White dress. |
| 01:25:57 |
Chick's seen more dick than this guy. |
| 01:26:00 |
Ridonculous. |
| 01:26:07 |
I've been wanting to come over here |
| 01:26:13 |
A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. |
| 01:26:16 |
And they see a small boy |
| 01:26:21 |
So the priest says to the Rabbi: |
| 01:26:23 |
"God, I'd really love to screw that kid." |
| 01:26:25 |
And then the Rabbi says, |
| 01:26:31 |
It's a visual thing, |
| 01:26:34 |
He's bending over. |
| 01:26:37 |
Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this. |
| 01:26:39 |
While you're giving it |
| 01:26:43 |
Very important. |
| 01:26:45 |
Start making some sounds |
| 01:26:48 |
...then you pull out. |
| 01:26:49 |
As you pull out, you let a little dribble |
| 01:26:53 |
...onto the small of her back. |
| 01:26:56 |
"Good, I can go to sleep." |
| 01:26:57 |
Fireman's hose. All over. |
| 01:27:04 |
- I don't get it. |
| 01:27:06 |
Here's what you're gonna do. |
| 01:27:16 |
Ready, and wow. |
| 01:27:18 |
It's like lifting a coffin. |
| 01:27:22 |
Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina. |
| 01:27:29 |
Hello? Yeah, I can talk. |
| 01:27:37 |
- You weren't gonna drink. |
| 01:27:39 |
...to celebrate the holy sacrament? |
| 01:27:41 |
- Is that J? Germeister I smell? |
| 01:27:43 |
Wine, huh? |
| 01:27:47 |
- No. |
| 01:27:49 |
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing. |
| 01:28:00 |
For their first dance |
| 01:28:03 |
...l'd like to present to you |
| 01:28:19 |
Sorry. |
| 01:28:21 |
Can I have this dance? |
| 01:28:24 |
Not a good time? Okay. |
| 01:28:25 |
Sorry, everybody. This is their night. |
| 01:28:31 |
The bride and groom. |
| 01:28:39 |
I'm gonna grab these. Clean. |
| 01:28:42 |
How are you? There's |
| 01:28:45 |
Lookit, lookit that one right over there. |
| 01:28:49 |
That's Rachel's cousin. She's 15. |
| 01:28:52 |
She's gonna be a scuba diver |
| 01:28:54 |
Not that you don't have |
| 01:28:56 |
I'd part you like the Red Sea |
| 01:28:59 |
I would open you up like |
| 01:29:02 |
Three words: |
| 01:29:04 |
Let's eat. |
| 01:29:06 |
It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it. |
| 01:29:08 |
Usually they come in twos |
| 01:29:13 |
Cocaine, you know, |
| 01:29:16 |
And you, by the way, look lovely. |
| 01:29:19 |
...say a hello to you. |
| 01:29:26 |
All right. |
| 01:29:32 |
Weddings get me hot and hard, |
| 01:29:35 |
What do you got going on? |
| 01:29:37 |
I want that in my fucking mouth. |
| 01:29:43 |
When's the last time |
| 01:29:45 |
- Today. Today. |
| 01:29:48 |
- I shit my pants yesterday. |
| 01:29:51 |
- Me, today. |
| 01:29:54 |
Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me |
| 01:29:58 |
Let me just take a snapshot |
| 01:30:01 |
Gross. Fuck, I can |
| 01:30:04 |
- How drunk are you right now? |
| 01:30:08 |
I'm embarrassed. |
| 01:30:11 |
...and I feel better. |
| 01:30:13 |
With my friend. |
| 01:30:18 |
Fucking goddamn it. |
| 01:30:21 |
Afghani-Kush Kryptonite. |
| 01:30:24 |
Kryptonite. It killed Superman. |
| 01:30:27 |
You really are, like, a super |
| 01:30:31 |
I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus. |
| 01:30:33 |
- Do you really? |
| 01:30:36 |
- One more bite. |
| 01:30:38 |
Alexis is gonna freak out |
| 01:30:41 |
- No she won't. |
| 01:30:42 |
- She's understanding. |
| 01:30:44 |
- She's never gonna forgive you. |
| 01:30:49 |
- What a day. |
| 01:30:52 |
May I partake? |
| 01:30:55 |
My daughter got married today. |
| 01:30:58 |
- Wonderful. |
| 01:31:02 |
I bet back in the day, you were |
| 01:31:11 |
You bet your sweet ass I was. |
| 01:31:16 |
Hey. I love your shoes. |
| 01:31:20 |
So are we gonna do this or what? |
| 01:31:25 |
Come on, it's not gonna |
| 01:31:27 |
Oh, my God. |
| 01:31:29 |
Who is this guy? |
| 01:31:33 |
And he's ruining my entire wedding. |
| 01:31:36 |
He ruined my dance, |
| 01:31:39 |
No, it's ruined. |
| 01:31:43 |
It's disgusting. |
| 01:31:46 |
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. |
| 01:31:50 |
- Are you kidding me? |
| 01:31:56 |
I got a bass-ackward way of |
| 01:31:59 |
Tank. Tank! How could you?! |
| 01:32:02 |
My ex, Sarah. Cunt. |
| 01:32:06 |
Oh, no. You're not gonna |
| 01:32:09 |
You're gonna talk to me. |
| 01:32:11 |
Who is that person, huh? |
| 01:32:13 |
This is me. I'm an asshole. |
| 01:32:16 |
You had your chance with a good guy |
| 01:32:19 |
- Who? |
| 01:32:20 |
- You have no right to tell me... |
| 01:32:23 |
Dustin. Dustin? |
| 01:32:26 |
- Dustin? |
| 01:32:27 |
Tank! |
| 01:32:39 |
It's time you all knew the truth. |
| 01:32:41 |
Would you stop? If I go down, |
| 01:32:44 |
Okay? So I'm sure every... |
| 01:32:49 |
Don't touch. |
| 01:32:51 |
I would like to share something |
| 01:32:54 |
Surely by now he's charmed his way |
| 01:32:57 |
Charmed his way into your hearts |
| 01:33:01 |
Tank Turner is a fraud. |
| 01:33:03 |
Okay? Why don't you |
| 01:33:05 |
- Hey! Come with me, okay? |
| 01:33:08 |
Would you guys like to know |
| 01:33:11 |
- What this man does as a hobby? |
| 01:33:13 |
- You stop! You stop! Okay? |
| 01:33:16 |
- Hold on. |
| 01:33:17 |
Let's say, for example... |
| 01:33:21 |
...I get dumped by my girl. |
| 01:33:25 |
And I want to pay him |
| 01:33:29 |
- Oh, boy. |
| 01:33:32 |
...and have her come screaming back |
| 01:33:36 |
So your Mr. Perfect... |
| 01:33:39 |
Your Mr. Perfect... |
| 01:33:40 |
...is actually Mr. Asshole- |
| 01:33:47 |
Alexis, l... l... |
| 01:33:52 |
I did. And I just, |
| 01:33:57 |
...and so I made a deal |
| 01:34:01 |
That's what I did. Which is pathetic. |
| 01:34:05 |
- I'm a pathetic fool. |
| 01:34:07 |
- But... But what does that make him? |
| 01:34:11 |
Just tell me this isn't true. |
| 01:34:16 |
Ask him. |
| 01:34:19 |
- Baby, sorry. |
| 01:34:21 |
- Ask him. |
| 01:34:25 |
- Ask him. |
| 01:34:27 |
I'm gonna kill you! |
| 01:34:29 |
- I work on referrals. |
| 01:34:33 |
You're honestly gonna tell me... |
| 01:34:37 |
...that you and I, that's nothing? |
| 01:34:41 |
That's nothing? |
| 01:34:45 |
I'm just a job? |
| 01:34:48 |
I need you to tell me. |
| 01:34:52 |
...that I'm just a job. |
| 01:34:55 |
- Tell me to my face. |
| 01:35:04 |
Just a job. |
| 01:35:06 |
I never wanna see you again. |
| 01:35:10 |
Yeah. |
| 01:35:11 |
Alexis. Alexis. |
| 01:35:14 |
I'm gonna kill you! |
| 01:35:46 |
Motherfucker. |
| 01:36:09 |
You have one new message. |
| 01:36:12 |
Dust, you were right. |
| 01:36:14 |
Alexis is an angel... |
| 01:36:17 |
...and she deserves the best. |
| 01:36:21 |
And that's you. |
| 01:36:24 |
...but I finally did |
| 01:36:26 |
I got a bass-ackward way of |
| 01:36:29 |
Tank. Tank! How could you?! |
| 01:36:32 |
My ex, Sarah. Cunt. |
| 01:37:08 |
Did you love her? |
| 01:37:10 |
Do you love her? |
| 01:37:14 |
I don't even know what that means. |
| 01:37:16 |
Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I. |
| 01:37:20 |
All I know is that me and her |
| 01:37:23 |
It's inevitable. |
| 01:37:24 |
Turners and women, right, Pop? |
| 01:37:27 |
Yeah. |
| 01:37:31 |
I banged a lot of women, Sherman. |
| 01:37:34 |
I've been banging |
| 01:37:36 |
...when you were |
| 01:37:38 |
So, yeah, that's me. |
| 01:37:41 |
That's this guy, but that ain't you. |
| 01:37:44 |
Last night, you proved something |
| 01:37:48 |
And that is... |
| 01:37:50 |
...you may just |
| 01:37:54 |
Yeah, I can't believe you actually |
| 01:37:58 |
I know, dude. |
| 01:38:00 |
- That's pretty fucked up, right? |
| 01:38:02 |
I mean, if that's not love... |
| 01:38:05 |
Yeah, I'm sorry, man. |
| 01:38:07 |
I'm sorry. I'm the guy who... |
| 01:38:12 |
You were my best friend. |
| 01:38:14 |
I still am. |
| 01:38:18 |
You guys gonna make out now, huh? |
| 01:38:20 |
Go ahead, stick your tongue |
| 01:38:26 |
How about a...? |
| 01:38:35 |
Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while, |
| 01:38:39 |
You need to get her back. |
| 01:38:43 |
- But I don't deserve her. |
| 01:38:45 |
If you were willing to give her up, |
| 01:38:48 |
That's fucked up, but you're right. |
| 01:38:53 |
She's my angel |
| 01:38:56 |
Yes. So, what's stopping you? |
| 01:38:58 |
I propositioned her mother |
| 01:39:01 |
Man, that is great. |
| 01:39:04 |
That is so great. Yes. |
| 01:39:07 |
Alexis! Alexis, wait. |
| 01:39:10 |
Alexis. |
| 01:39:12 |
Just hear me out, all right? Listen. |
| 01:39:14 |
Nope. Nope. Nope. |
| 01:39:17 |
I did it for you. |
| 01:39:18 |
I pushed you away because |
| 01:39:21 |
- You don't. |
| 01:39:25 |
- Many. |
| 01:39:28 |
- I will never do better than you. |
| 01:39:30 |
- I need you in my life. |
| 01:39:32 |
- And I wanna apologize. |
| 01:39:35 |
Good, because it's not for you. |
| 01:39:38 |
I wanna apologize to myself. |
| 01:39:41 |
I'm sorry, Tank, |
| 01:39:45 |
- But you did. |
| 01:39:47 |
...someone better than me. |
| 01:39:49 |
But when I'm with you, |
| 01:39:53 |
You're the only person that could ever |
| 01:39:57 |
I wanna faint, I want a cigarette |
| 01:40:01 |
But I would run a marathon for you. |
| 01:40:08 |
- Okay. |
| 01:40:11 |
You ruined my sister's wedding. |
| 01:40:13 |
But I saved her life. |
| 01:40:16 |
- You curse incessantly. |
| 01:40:21 |
Fuck. Last one. |
| 01:40:22 |
- My parents hate you. |
| 01:40:26 |
Except your mother. |
| 01:40:28 |
And your dad. |
| 01:40:29 |
- Your job is a joke. |
| 01:40:32 |
I do the impossible every day. |
| 01:40:33 |
Have you ever even read a book? |
| 01:40:35 |
The Giving Tree. |
| 01:40:37 |
- And...? |
| 01:40:40 |
- Tank. |
| 01:40:44 |
What's the matter? |
| 01:40:48 |
You are not passionate |
| 01:40:51 |
Except you. I'm passionate about you. |
| 01:40:55 |
...that I've been running |
| 01:40:57 |
- I need to stop and rest. |
| 01:40:59 |
You're a professional asshole. |
| 01:41:02 |
No. It's what I did. |
| 01:41:06 |
Tank, I just don't think |
| 01:41:12 |
Not yet, but I'll get there. |
| 01:41:27 |
You okay? |
| 01:42:42 |
Without air, we cannot live. |
| 01:42:46 |
I think those words resonate |
| 01:42:48 |
...because they're really true, |
| 01:42:58 |
What? |
| 01:43:00 |
I thought... I thought that was a joke. |
| 01:43:02 |
- It wasn't. What are you talking about? |
| 01:43:07 |
Air? |
| 01:43:08 |
Because I don't really think |
| 01:43:12 |
It's kind of too important. |
| 01:43:24 |
Asshole. |
| 01:43:29 |
- Hi. |
| 01:43:30 |
- I'm Alexis. |
| 01:43:31 |
Do you wanna know what |
| 01:43:34 |
- He embarrassed me. He literally... |
| 01:43:36 |
I'm having a conversation. |
| 01:43:38 |
I'm having a conversation. |
| 01:43:42 |
What this guy did to me |
| 01:43:44 |
Physically ill. |
| 01:43:46 |
But is that like lovesickness |
| 01:43:49 |
- No, it's like morning sickness. |
| 01:43:52 |
Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay? |
| 01:43:56 |
It makes me a little emotional. |
| 01:43:59 |
- You're pregnant? |
| 01:44:02 |
I probably should go. |
| 01:44:04 |
But how? It's... |
| 01:44:07 |
How do you think? |
| 01:44:09 |
That's right, everybody. |
| 01:44:11 |
This asshole got me pregnant. |
| 01:44:15 |
- I definitely think I should go. |
| 01:44:19 |
If you think that's bad... |
| 01:44:21 |
...you should hear what this guy |
| 01:44:23 |
- Alexis, I've apologized a million times. |
| 01:44:28 |
So there's two of us |
| 01:44:31 |
...about three and a half weeks |
| 01:44:35 |
- Yeah. |
| 01:44:37 |
...and I thought it was you. |
| 01:44:38 |
Right? |
| 01:44:44 |
I'm gonna go now. |
| 01:44:47 |
Yeah, nice to meet you too. |
| 01:44:51 |
What's going on here? |
| 01:44:53 |
Oh, I'm just saving another girl... |
| 01:44:55 |
...from the worst sex |
| 01:45:03 |
Well, your mother never complained. |
| 01:45:07 |
You wanna know why |
| 01:45:11 |
Your pathetic calls? |
| 01:45:14 |
You are unattractive. I said it. |
| 01:45:19 |
I'm not attractive. |
| 01:45:21 |
I would kick your ass right now, |
| 01:45:27 |
I'd kick your dick right now, |
| 01:45:32 |
Well, you know, you can |
| 01:45:35 |
The funniest thing that'll ever |
| 01:45:39 |
All right, Tank. |
| 01:45:41 |
You got the best joke here. |
| 01:45:44 |
And it's in your pants. |
| 01:45:57 |
- I hate you. |
| 01:45:59 |
Oh, baby. |
