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My Stepmother Is an Alien en
00:02:24	Hey, love your umbrella.
00:02:40	-Dr. Mills. Dr. Budlong.
00:02:46	If he thinks he's going to ruin any more
00:02:56	-He thinks he's cute, doesn't he?
00:03:00	Dr. Mills.
00:03:03	-This is the last time I'll warn you.
00:03:07	That's what you said last time it rained,
00:03:10	Do you know what it costs
00:03:13	I know, Dr. Budlong. I'm very sorry,
00:03:17	You have my word on that, and I promise.
00:03:19	Don't worry. He can't go blowing up
00:03:23	We've got a date tonight,
00:03:26	Mingles. You know what that means?
00:03:28	What?
00:03:29	It means complimentary hors d'oeuvres.
00:03:31	A veritable who's who
00:03:34	It means 20th century music.
00:03:37	You look like a sensible man.
00:03:41	-I don't believe there's life in this room.
00:03:44	Your brother wants to send a radar signal
00:03:48	...it'd take 92 years to get there
00:03:51	Ninety-two years? Steve, we're late now.
00:03:54	Indeed. There isn't anything
00:03:57	We're it.
00:03:59	Now don't you go above 300
00:04:06	Now that Dr. Strangelove is gone, let's go.
00:04:10	I can't tonight, Ron.
00:04:13	It's raining.
00:04:14	Tonight I've got another destination
00:04:19	Clouds of Magellan. It sounds like
00:04:24	No, the Clouds of Magellan is
00:04:27	You want to send a radar signal
00:04:29	You can't get radar to the next galaxy.
00:04:31	You'd have to travel faster than
00:04:35	Don't watch that, it won't change.
00:04:38	I like the Clouds of Magellan.
00:04:39	We can't get there, Ron.
00:04:41	But if we increase the power of
00:04:44	...we may get a signal strong enough
00:04:47	That's the theory, anyway.
00:04:49	Right. Thanks.
00:04:55	Can't this wait? Secretaries are
00:04:58	The reflectors line up for 10 days
00:05:01	Now, with all this rain
00:05:04	Perfect for men like us.
00:05:05	Christ! Steve, when was the last time
00:05:10	January of '86. No. March of '86.
00:05:14	I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway
00:05:18	Superb.
00:05:19	-You see it?
00:05:21	How can we be brothers?
00:05:26	-Not above 300 kilowatts.
00:05:31	Okay. Thank you. Have fun.
00:05:36	We have no time to sweep frequencies.
00:05:40	But below?
00:05:42	It's raining out here. I'm getting wet!
00:05:45	This jacket is a Ralph Lauren!
00:05:48	And it's smelly.
00:05:50	Great, just great.
00:05:52	I'm wet and smelly.
00:05:59	Do you guys smell fish?
00:06:07	It's me!
00:06:20	-Help me rotate the dish.
00:06:23	Right here.
00:06:26	Here?
00:06:29	That almost hit my shoe.
00:06:33	Excuse me.
00:06:40	All the way up.
00:06:51	I hate this. What the hell is this thing?
00:06:54	Klystron tube. Potential of 400 megawatts,
00:06:58	Great. Why don't we take this to Mingles?
00:07:04	Stupid piece of garbage.
00:07:08	Now all we gotta do
00:07:24	Yes, it's good. Let's try for lightning.
00:07:27	-Is this important?
00:07:30	Okay, deep breath. Set your retractors.
00:07:33	How long is this gonna take?
00:07:38	Prepare to initiate the system.
00:07:41	Now!
00:07:43	Oh, Jesus!
00:07:49	-We got it!
00:07:52	It's going! I love you!
00:08:19	What is happening?
00:08:22	Steve! What's happening?
00:08:27	Mills!
00:08:29	Mills!
00:08:31	What is happening?
00:08:42	The Klystron!
00:09:03	We have a red condition
00:09:05	Fire control! The laboratory area.
00:09:12	I'm okay.
00:09:19	Beautiful!
00:09:24	What?
00:09:26	My God!
00:09:28	I didn't only get out of the solar system,
00:09:31	That means we were travelling faster
00:09:34	How the hell did we do that?
00:09:54	Eleven seconds on the clock.
00:09:56	Down by one. Mills fakes left.
00:09:59	Puts Kareem in the popcorn machine.
00:10:08	Why can't I dunk? Is that asking so much?
00:10:24	You got out of the galaxy
00:10:28	We were using lightning
00:10:31	I shorted every telemetry tracker
00:10:34	So there's no proof.
00:10:37	That's not fair.
00:10:39	What are we going to do?
00:10:42	I might just have to take a....
00:10:45	What?
00:10:46	Take a teaching job.
00:10:49	You know how that is?
00:10:52	I could double my babysitting.
00:10:54	Or take up a newspaper route.
00:10:56	Do girls do that now?
00:11:00	It's beautiful up there.
00:11:04	Two hundred billion stars in our galaxy.
00:11:08	That's really my office up there.
00:11:10	I wish Mom could have lived long enough
00:11:14	She'd be having the whole block in
00:11:20	Think you'll ever find
00:11:24	Boy. Jess, I don't know.
00:11:28	The chances of me finding another woman
00:11:31	...as me proving there's life on another
00:11:38	All right, Larry Byrd, what's for dinner?
00:11:41	Fish sticks. Pop tarts.
00:11:42	Frozen pizza. Whatever else we can nuke
00:11:49	What do you say, Dave?
00:11:51	Can we see Sirius tonight?
00:11:54	You know, it's also called the Dog Star.
00:12:01	Come on.
00:12:37	-It's quite a small planet, really.
00:12:42	-Have you mastered it yet?
00:12:45	You know how superb our research is.
00:12:47	All I have to do is teach you
00:12:50	We're at light 30 approaching light 35.
00:12:53	This is a record glide speed.
00:12:56	Look, it's Saturn.
00:12:59	-Could we stop there on the way back?
00:13:03	Why can't I fit Neptune into this picture?
00:13:07	Wait. That works.
00:13:10	Neptunians won't like it, though.
00:13:13	Let's see here.
00:13:15	Look at Neptune now!
00:13:17	-Dad, we'll be late for Uncle Ron's party.
00:13:20	I haven't finished the M.l.T. proposal yet.
00:13:22	-Come on.
00:13:25	Here, put this on.
00:13:27	Look at this.
00:13:30	The modern light bulb has a half-life
00:13:33	-I'm going to take it apart.
00:13:36	You've been meaning to fix it, remember.
00:13:42	Dad, you're impossible.
00:13:44	Do we have any socks?
00:13:50	See, I knew I had a pair in reserve.
00:13:54	I've been cooking 'em since yesterday.
00:13:55	Daddy, look at me.
00:14:02	I'm wearing a bra.
00:14:04	You can't be! You're only 13!
00:14:07	My God!
00:14:10	You're 13.
00:14:13	A bra?
00:14:17	Well, did you get the right strap size?
00:14:20	Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.
00:14:30	Where have I been?
00:14:44	How can I learn everything I need to know
00:14:48	This is a very backward planet.
00:14:49	The Mondschein 40 is the most advanced
00:14:54	Research has determined you must be
00:14:58	Men on Earth will fall to their knees...
00:15:00	...betray their countries and give away
00:15:04	That's silly.
00:15:11	Will I need to eat?
00:15:12	No. We'll only be in the
00:15:17	This is the most important assignment
00:15:25	I feel so poorly prepared.
00:15:27	You're the Earth expert.
00:15:29	But you are the Chief Extragalactic Probist.
00:15:34	I can only be your adviser.
00:15:36	Are you sure this research is accurate?
00:15:38	Celeste, the Mondschein 40
00:17:02	Right. Let's go.
00:17:20	Hors d'oeuvres?
00:17:24	Kimberly.
00:17:25	-You met my brother Steve?
00:17:27	You gotta watch out for him,
00:17:30	He cares too deeply, like a sparrow.
00:17:36	You've got something on your lip.
00:17:45	A little dip there.
00:17:48	I think flossing is so important, too.
00:17:50	When I get up in the morning,
00:17:53	I floss and then I go.
00:17:56	That's so great.
00:17:57	Ron, I'm beginning to think
00:18:04	Hi.
00:18:12	Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
00:18:18	He's the guy dancing with his daughter.
00:18:25	Hors d'oeuvres?
00:18:34	Thank you. Delicious.
00:18:38	Hello.
00:18:40	-Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
00:18:42	Will you tell me the composition
00:18:45	Which one?
00:18:47	Now, you don't fool me.
00:18:50	Your favourite food is lasagne,
00:18:56	Actually, I prefer green,
00:18:58	...and my favourite rock is Rachmaninoff.
00:19:02	Of course you'd say that.
00:19:04	I think it's Pink Floyd,
00:19:06	Pink Fred is their nickname.
00:19:09	Would you hold this for me, please?
00:19:11	"Hey, hey we're the Monkees
00:19:13	"People say we monkey around
00:19:15	"But we're too busy singing
00:19:18	What?
00:19:19	Do you know what they say?
00:19:22	Dick Nixon?
00:19:23	Okay.
00:19:27	See you later, bro.
00:19:33	Sailor, I like your jeep.
00:19:35	You've broken my heart for the last time.
00:19:41	You've broken my heart
00:19:47	Do you have any spinach,
00:19:49	"I'm Popeye the sailor man
00:19:54	"I'm strong to the 'finich'
00:19:57	"I'm Popeye the sailor man
00:20:01	"This Bud's for you."
00:20:10	Baby!
00:20:12	Now will you tell me the composition
00:20:15	Wackygram, right?
00:20:20	Encore! Encore!
00:20:25	This is a nightmare.
00:20:26	Your research was all wrong!
00:20:29	This dress is strange
00:20:31	This hat is too big.
00:20:35	Now just a second.
00:20:38	I never told you they used spinach
00:20:41	Daddy, who was that?
00:20:43	I don't know.
00:20:45	But I feel kinda sorry for her.
00:20:49	Did you?
00:20:54	How are we ever going to get
00:20:58	He thinks I'm a lunatic.
00:21:00	Now just calm down.
00:21:03	You've got to go back in there.
00:21:07	And you....
00:21:12	-Hi.
00:21:16	Tough room.
00:21:18	I'm really sorry how rude I was in there.
00:21:21	You weren't rude.
00:21:23	In fact, I thought you were
00:21:27	Believe me, they'll be telling
00:21:31	Have you done any interesting
00:21:34	...which may have penetrated
00:21:39	Yes, I have.
00:21:42	Well, what happened?
00:21:46	-It's pretty complex.
00:21:51	That was the most beautiful woman
00:21:55	I mean, second most beautiful.
00:21:58	Third.
00:22:00	A dog.
00:22:03	The system. I blew out every
00:22:06	...including telemetry trackers.
00:22:10	'Cause that's what they use
00:22:13	I must be boring the pants off you.
00:22:20	-No. They're still on.
00:22:23	-Then what happened, Dr. Steve?
00:22:27	It must have been something
00:22:29	Maybe I forgot to take a note
00:22:32	Show me what you did.
00:22:33	Show me in your mighty lab.
00:22:36	I can't. They fired me.
00:22:39	You know I'm a little cold.
00:22:43	...stuck my hands right in your pockets?
00:22:47	Yes, that's better.
00:22:51	So, Celeste...
00:22:55	...where are you from?
00:22:59	The nether-lands.
00:23:00	Oh, Holland.
00:23:02	No, the nether-lands.
00:23:08	For an astronomer
00:23:12	And you've got yourself
00:23:17	I can't get back in that lab.
00:23:19	They're gonna kiss!
00:23:20	Does he know how?
00:23:22	Well, of course.
00:23:30	I'm a bad apple.
00:23:41	Excuse me a minute.
00:23:48	I shouldn't be wearing this, should I?
00:23:51	It's very nice.
00:23:53	Then what should I wear?
00:24:01	Thank you. I won't forget this.
00:24:23	Hold this.
00:24:26	What are you doing now?
00:24:28	I have to change. This is inappropriate.
00:24:30	Might I suggest a more conventional spot?
00:24:33	Like the backseat of my car.
00:24:48	There. I'm changed.
00:24:58	Is this acceptable?
00:25:04	Is the drool apparent?
00:25:24	I'm sorry, Dr. Mills, we have strict orders
00:25:27	...not to let you in the building.
00:25:29	I left something in my office.
00:25:32	Excuse me. I'm from DARPA. The Defence
00:25:36	...with instructions to tour this facility.
00:25:38	-So l--
00:26:00	Here.
00:26:03	See Department of Defence.
00:26:13	She's with DARPA.
00:26:16	I'm with her.
00:26:19	All settings are the same.
00:26:21	Dr. Steve, this is only
00:26:25	Part of what used to be called a vast array.
00:26:27	Used to?
00:26:29	I see you had to use enormous thrust.
00:26:32	Where's the Klystron?
00:26:34	Hold on, I'll see what they did with it.
00:26:53	-Good evening, Olaf.
00:26:54	It's nice to have Dr. Mills back.
00:26:56	-What do you mean?
00:26:58	In his lab?
00:27:04	There's nothing powerful enough
00:27:13	It's clear how the reflectors work.
00:27:17	They're not equipped to discover
00:27:22	How did they get it so fast?
00:27:24	I mean, they haven't even
00:27:27	He must be holding something back.
00:27:31	Dr. Steve is lying.
00:27:36	Who are you?
00:27:38	Who? Me?
00:27:40	What are you doing here?
00:27:52	Where's Mills?
00:27:54	Get away from my equipment.
00:28:22	I've got to be on my way home.
00:28:26	I've got to get home to that good pie.
00:28:31	Just grab the handrail there.
00:28:34	Welcome to my office.
00:28:36	Sender number KD113B.
00:28:39	Just like all the rest of them,
00:28:43	Did you ever think what you were doing
00:28:47	It wasn't an invasion.
00:28:50	Here was this galaxy,
00:28:53	Perhaps a galaxy where war
00:28:56	People all live in harmony.
00:28:59	Things don't go around
00:29:09	You're shaking. Why?
00:29:11	Because I've wanted to kiss you
00:29:14	What?
00:29:15	You looked so beautiful and vulnerable,
00:29:18	...and doing all that talking
00:29:21	I just wanted to use everything I know
00:29:28	Would you mind if I kissed you?
00:29:31	Does it hurt?
00:29:35	Not the way I do it.
00:32:01	I have never felt anything like that
00:32:10	Do I now have to eat the chocolate
00:32:16	Listen, I think we'd better get out of here.
00:32:20	Are you sure you've told me everything
00:32:23	I think so. But perhaps we should
00:32:29	I'd better take you home.
00:32:30	No, that's too far.
00:32:35	-Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
00:32:40	I'm dreaming.
00:32:44	"Life could be a dream
00:32:46	"Sha-boom"
00:32:48	As your great poet says.
00:32:57	Welcome to the Mills residence.
00:33:02	What is this?
00:33:04	Hats.
00:33:05	This one is a collector's item.
00:33:09	Who?
00:33:12	"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash,
00:33:17	He was a song and dance man
00:33:19	Come on in, this is the palace.
00:33:23	I have to go check on Jessie.
00:33:25	...or otherwise I'll be forced to crawl up
00:33:31	So what's going on here?
00:33:33	Could it be that he really doesn't know
00:33:37	-What's that?
00:33:38	Highly revered on this planet.
00:33:40	Usually found
00:33:42	Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.
00:33:45	Don't leave him alone.
00:33:46	But he doesn't even care
00:33:48	Didn't you see during that kissing thing?
00:33:51	His skin got hot and his heartbeat went up.
00:33:53	And suddenly there was
00:33:56	It's an act.
00:33:58	Government types on this planet
00:34:01	Go find him. He may be burning papers
00:34:04	Oh, God!
00:34:13	She's beautiful, isn't she?
00:34:16	Who is she?
00:34:17	My daughter, Jessie.
00:34:19	Short.
00:34:20	Short? She's only 13.
00:34:23	Thirteen?
00:34:25	How old does she look?
00:34:27	Six, seven hundred, just short.
00:34:40	Why don't we go in here?
00:34:42	My bedroom?
00:34:43	Well, you said you wanted to talk.
00:34:47	Say, do you think I'm a billionaire?
00:34:49	Or somebody on television or somebody
00:34:53	You're Steven Mills, Ph.D.
00:34:55	A very obscure physicist
00:34:59	And you still want to go in here?
00:35:01	Yowza.
00:35:03	Yowza?
00:35:07	You make me laugh.
00:35:08	I mean, you're the first person that has
00:35:15	Look, if we do go in there, you know,
00:35:20	Surely. It was very pleasant.
00:35:41	Remember me?
00:36:15	You're so wonderful.
00:36:17	You're funny, you're intelligent
00:36:20	...and now you want to have sex.
00:36:22	I wanna have sex?
00:36:24	Don't you?
00:36:25	Do you?
00:36:26	Yes!
00:36:28	Well, I do, too.
00:36:36	-I have to go to the bathroom.
00:36:52	What is sex?
00:36:54	-What?
00:36:57	What is sex?
00:36:59	Give me a second.
00:37:16	Deleted.
00:37:17	What good is deleted?
00:37:18	Now, don't get excited. Just a second.
00:37:23	Your penis is a weapon.
00:37:25	Just like your rifle.
00:37:27	The military expects you to protect it
00:37:31	All right, men, if you'll open your manuals.
00:37:34	-What? Is that it?
00:37:36	Here's something else.
00:37:43	What does this mean,
00:37:48	Debbie Does Des Moines.
00:37:52	Debbie Does Düsseldorf.
00:37:53	Busy girl, that Debbie.
00:37:56	What's this?
00:38:06	Look behind you.
00:38:15	I can do that. I guess.
00:38:19	I don't believe it.
00:38:25	Why, that's disgusting.
00:38:27	I can't, that right there.
00:38:31	Look, that's the most weirdest thing
00:38:34	That's why we gave it up
00:38:47	You think I could do that?
00:38:48	Sure. Except for fuel
00:38:52	But do you want to?
00:38:55	The kissing wasn't so bad.
00:39:00	You're not leaving me here!
00:39:02	Yes, I am.
00:39:03	I have been ordered to stay with you
00:39:08	Forget it.
00:39:11	Bitch!
00:39:45	My God, you're beautiful.
00:41:17	Are you all right?
00:41:19	Yes, don't stop.
00:41:36	Do you see....
00:41:47	Dr. Steve, that was so wonderful.
00:41:52	I feel like I've been hit by a train.
00:41:58	And I don't think you need to call me
00:42:02	Steve, you're so stupid. We could have
00:42:07	We only met three hours ago.
00:42:08	I know. What took you so long?
00:42:11	Do others know about this?
00:42:13	About us? I don't see how they could.
00:42:16	No, about making love.
00:42:19	You could become very famous if
00:42:23	-Really?
00:42:25	Didn't think I did it any differently
00:42:29	You mean everybody does this?
00:42:32	Think of all the energy produced.
00:42:34	Properly channelled that energy could
00:42:41	We did some computer runs in the lab...
00:42:43	...and figured if we could harness
00:42:46	...the male members of the Sheen family
00:42:54	I really don't think I can
00:42:56	Yes, you can.
00:43:00	-Celeste?
00:43:02	Celeste, why me?
00:43:06	Because you're sensitive...
00:43:09	...and you're an outsider...
00:43:11	...and you worked so hard
00:43:14	...and you have two Ph.D.'s
00:43:18	Just all the qualities of a dreamer.
00:43:22	I know you had some really bad luck
00:43:25	...your wife died and left you
00:43:29	That's who the short person was.
00:43:30	Wait a minute.
00:43:35	I can read it. In your eyes.
00:44:16	That's kid's stuff.
00:44:20	This is no help.
00:45:38	Whiteside, I'm here to spend
00:45:42	I think.
00:45:43	I may stay a month...
00:45:45	...or I may leave immediately.
00:45:47	I don't know. Things are so uncertain.
00:45:50	"Did you ever have the feeling
00:45:52	"And still had the feeling
00:45:55	"You knew it was right, wasn't wrong
00:45:59	"It's tough to have the feeling
00:46:01	"Still have the feeling that you
00:46:04	"Change your mind start and go again
00:46:07	"Did you ever have the feeling
00:46:09	"Still have the feeling
00:46:11	"Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do
00:46:14	"I go
00:46:15	-"I'll stay"
00:46:21	Whiteside, I love ya. I love ya.
00:46:48	Dave, bon appétit.
00:47:03	Dave, how are you
00:47:14	Are you okay?
00:47:16	Yes, I'm okay.
00:47:19	Jessie, Celeste.
00:47:24	I know.
00:47:26	You stayed here?
00:47:28	Just overnight.
00:47:31	But dad...
00:47:33	...that's fabulous.
00:47:35	I gotta go.
00:47:36	Be true to your school.
00:47:41	Happy short person. Daughter.
00:47:45	Almost as happy as her old man.
00:47:47	Who is that?
00:47:49	Me.
00:47:51	Yes, I am happy, too.
00:47:53	I think....
00:47:55	Yes?
00:47:57	Will I scare you if I tell you I love you?
00:48:00	Not unless you hit me at the same time.
00:48:02	I'm serious.
00:48:03	So am l.
00:48:04	Then let's go away.
00:48:06	-Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage?
00:48:09	Leave? Where you going?
00:48:12	Home.
00:48:14	To the Netherlands?
00:48:15	You can call it Holland now.
00:48:21	When are you going to be back?
00:48:23	No, I'm never coming back.
00:48:30	Never coming back? Why?
00:48:34	-Well l--
00:48:36	I hate to sound desperate,
00:48:39	I'm desperate. Celeste,
00:48:42	...but you're the most incredible thing
00:48:45	I look in your face
00:48:49	I'm hopelessly, insanely, out of my mind
00:48:54	Walk out of my life. I mean, I can't.
00:48:56	Not now, not ever.
00:48:59	And?
00:49:00	Will you marry me?
00:49:03	Marry you?
00:49:04	Yes. Please.
00:49:06	This is a strange development.
00:49:08	I know it's sudden and quick and all.
00:49:10	Not if you consider
00:49:13	You see, before I met you
00:49:16	Now I can't even think about that anymore.
00:49:20	Your eyes, your skin, your hair, your face.
00:49:22	Do you think you could think
00:49:27	If only I knew you were going to be
00:49:33	I know it's kinda sudden and everything,
00:49:36	Why don't you take a short walk
00:49:40	Okay, I'll think it over.
00:49:46	You're not going out like that,
00:49:49	No. Of course not.
00:49:59	She's an original. She's gotta say yes.
00:50:08	You said you'd prepare me for 24 hours,
00:50:12	You didn't tell me "spinach,"
00:50:15	...you didn't tell me "have sex,"
00:50:18	Do things always happen
00:50:20	I don't think so. You can't walk
00:50:24	Yes, I can. I know how this planet works.
00:50:26	They'll think I'm starting
00:50:29	I want you to contact the Council and
00:50:47	Why here?
00:50:48	They said they needed an open field.
00:50:52	What goes on here?
00:50:55	Wrong time frame.
00:51:02	-Where is the transmission?
00:51:05	Our gravity has increased threefold!
00:51:09	Does the subject suspect who you are?
00:51:12	-No.
00:51:16	She saw Celeste put magazines into me
00:51:20	Kill her!
00:00:07	-But we do have one problem.
00:00:10	The subject says he will be
00:00:14	...unless he marries me!
00:00:17	Well, marry him!
00:00:19	But we don't know what "marry" is.
00:00:24	One moment.
00:00:33	Yes, the Mondschein 40 says
00:00:36	"He goes off to fight the Turks,
00:00:44	Yes. Wrong century.
00:00:48	"You cook and clean
00:00:51	Wrong again? This is ridiculous.
00:00:57	Yes, wrong decade. Too old fashioned.
00:01:00	"The modern marriage:
00:01:04	"But if he does something wrong,
00:01:07	"And go on a talk show where
00:01:11	There's only one drawback,
00:01:14	I'll do it.
00:01:15	Immediately.
00:01:18	Yes, sir. I know tomorrow's the last day
00:01:23	What if there is no lightning?
00:01:25	We will provide the lightning.
00:01:27	Just keep that man fed
00:01:32	You're fading.
00:01:33	Yes, I know, it's our gravity.
00:01:36	If we don't get that transmission from him,
00:01:44	Yes, sir.
00:01:50	But daddy, this is so quick.
00:01:53	It was the same with your mother.
00:01:55	-At least with mom you waited a week.
00:01:59	Are you crazy? You don't know
00:02:02	-I know all I need to know.
00:02:06	She's after your money!
00:02:07	Ron, I don't even have a ball of lint
00:02:11	She's got a trust fund.
00:02:13	She has a trust fund?
00:02:17	You know, I don't get it.
00:02:21	I know! Citizenship!
00:02:24	She wants to take jobs away from
00:02:27	Yeah, that's why she's here.
00:02:30	But it's so unfair.
00:02:31	I mean, you know....
00:02:34	It's my own brother marrying
00:02:37	And he met her at my apartment.
00:02:40	Ron, I appreciate your concern.
00:02:42	This is something I really want.
00:02:44	Haven't you wanted something so much
00:02:47	It's your wedding, I'm gonna tell you.
00:02:50	There's only one woman in the world
00:02:55	Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
00:02:57	Really?
00:02:59	I never knew you had a thing for her.
00:03:03	Because she's the most perfect
00:03:06	She'd have nothing to do with me.
00:03:08	Ron, brush up on your French lessons
00:03:11	But right now I'm going to marry
00:03:16	You've had too much luck already.
00:03:21	Where did she get a wedding dress
00:03:24	Does she just carry one around with her,
00:03:27	I hope so. Now would you go downstairs
00:03:32	-Uncle Ron, go!
00:03:38	Okay.
00:03:40	Go and tell Celeste it's time.
00:03:50	I'll have to leave you on the chair.
00:03:52	Can't you wear me?
00:03:54	No, I'd look too strange.
00:03:56	I'm so hungry.
00:03:57	Good thing we stopped
00:04:01	D-cells. Primitive, but nutritious.
00:04:23	-Dad, she ate batteries!
00:04:25	She took three "D" batteries
00:04:28	She flattened them
00:04:31	And she was talking to
00:04:36	I love you more than anyone else
00:04:39	-Nothing's going to come between us.
00:04:43	Jessie, I want you to stop this right now.
00:06:02	Back off, Alpo breath.
00:06:32	Dearly beloved....
00:06:34	Sit! Roll over! Play dead!
00:06:38	I've only known Celeste for eight minutes,
00:06:44	...who I've also known for eight minutes.
00:06:46	You're digging your own grave, Fido.
00:06:49	And do you Celeste van Martin...
00:06:51	...take Steven Mills...
00:06:53	...to be your lawfully wedded husband?
00:07:01	For richer and or poorer,
00:07:05	-I do.
00:07:20	"I'm looking over my dead dog Rover"
00:07:23	-Get that dog down!
00:07:26	I was getting married!
00:07:28	Honey!
00:07:30	What happened?
00:07:32	Maybe it's a Dutch custom. They say
00:07:35	Maybe she's planting tulip bulbs.
00:07:37	Honey, how on earth
00:07:41	Dave! Don't move!
00:07:44	Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!
00:07:53	May I be the first to kiss the bride?
00:07:55	Sure.
00:08:05	I got him!
00:08:50	Where'd you get this dress?
00:08:54	It's him! Quick, dad, the brush!
00:08:57	I'm coming. Here it is. I've got it here.
00:09:00	The brush.
00:09:01	Okay. Easy.
00:09:10	My God, you look beautiful.
00:09:11	Thanks, dad. I hope he likes me.
00:09:14	I hope you like him.
00:09:21	Hi. I'm Fred. The date.
00:09:23	These are for you, doll.
00:09:26	Thank you.
00:09:28	I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.
00:09:30	-This is Mrs. Mills.
00:09:32	Mouth jewellery.
00:09:38	Right, my braces.
00:09:39	My wife's from Holland, so....
00:09:44	You wore flats. Great.
00:09:49	Have a great time.
00:09:51	She'll be safe with me, sir.
00:09:55	Bye.
00:09:56	Did that kid look shifty to you?
00:09:59	Hadn't you better get back to work now?
00:10:01	What? You gotta be kidding,
00:10:05	I don't think so.
00:10:12	God, I love you!
00:10:28	-Hello.
00:10:32	It's for you.
00:10:37	Hello.
00:10:38	-Budlong, is that you?
00:10:40	This is Carl Sagan.
00:10:42	Carl Sagan?
00:10:46	It's Carl Sagan.
00:10:47	I'm assigned to the President's Committee
00:10:51	...the Most Important
00:10:54	No, I didn't know that.
00:10:56	Of course. And he has personally
00:11:00	...to put Dr. Steve Mills back to work at
00:11:04	-Mills? But he almost blew the place--
00:11:07	No arguments.
00:11:08	We can't afford to waste
00:11:12	Have I made myself clear, Meathead?
00:11:14	Yes. I....
00:11:16	-And how's Skippy?
00:11:18	Tell her I asked after her.
00:11:21	A beautiful, desirable woman.
00:11:23	Yes, sir.
00:11:26	Who is Carl Sagan?
00:11:31	Bravo, Bag.
00:11:32	Now we've got to get Dr. Steve
00:11:35	You're right. He should have no excuses
00:11:58	Hands on the wheel!
00:12:32	That's what we need.
00:13:15	$416.80.
00:13:24	What's this?
00:13:26	It's a diamond.
00:13:27	I'm sorry, we don't take diamonds
00:13:40	Haven't you got anything smaller?
00:13:59	What did I just do?
00:14:00	It's called a sneeze. From the flour.
00:14:04	What did it feel like?
00:14:09	Very funny.
00:14:10	Very good. Very liberating.
00:14:16	This is my house.
00:14:19	I actually had a good time.
00:14:22	Maybe next time we can even dance.
00:14:26	-I am starving.
00:14:47	Just what I needed.
00:14:55	I could have a banquet down this block.
00:14:57	We've got work to do.
00:14:59	All right.
00:15:28	Did you see Uncle Ron's new invention?
00:15:30	It's an all-snap shirt where
00:15:34	Except they rust in the wash.
00:15:38	-Good morning, dear.
00:15:40	-I made you breakfast, my family.
00:15:43	Did you sleep well?
00:15:45	Yes.
00:15:46	Did you?
00:15:53	Hello.
00:15:55	Dr. Budlong.
00:15:57	How are you?
00:15:58	Fine. Thank you.
00:16:02	No, I don't know Dr. Sagan personally.
00:16:06	The President's Most Secret
00:16:16	I've been thinking, too.
00:16:18	About the explosion
00:16:22	Really? You mean it?
00:16:26	When can I start back?
00:16:29	No, not today. Today's my honeymoon.
00:16:34	A foreign gal.
00:16:35	She's a head-spinner.
00:16:39	Fine.
00:16:43	Thank you. Surely you and Skippy
00:16:48	This is Mrs. Mills. lgnore my husband
00:16:51	He'll be there in 15 minutes.
00:16:54	Sweetie, wait a minute. I don't wanna
00:16:58	I wanna clean the place up for you.
00:17:00	I'll clean the house so you don't see a dust.
00:17:02	I'm Dutch. Did you ever see
00:17:04	We are ready to clean.
00:17:06	Great, let's do it together.
00:17:10	Let's put an end
00:17:13	I'll arm-wrestle you for it. Winner cleans.
00:17:15	You sure you really want to do this?
00:17:17	Come on.
00:17:20	One, two, three. Okay, lady wins.
00:17:26	That's quite a forearm you've got there.
00:17:28	And remember the thrust.
00:17:30	Four hundred megawatts and lightning
00:17:35	-What's this?
00:17:38	No, thank you.
00:17:44	And finally your turkey.
00:17:48	Dig right in.
00:17:49	Eat fast, solve all your problems,
00:17:58	Quite a spread.
00:17:59	Daddy, don't you think
00:18:02	Your stepmother's just full of surprises.
00:18:04	I know how happy you are...
00:18:06	...and I wouldn't do anything in the world
00:18:10	-But last night, after my date--
00:18:13	How'd your date go?
00:18:14	Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink
00:18:17	Jessie!
00:18:18	Not only that, I saw her lift
00:18:22	Now I wish I didn't have to go to the lab.
00:18:25	-Your new mother--
00:18:26	Stepmother loves you very much.
00:18:29	She's concerned that she won't fit in
00:18:31	She knows there'll be problems--
00:18:33	Dad, if the car won't start, will you
00:18:45	Nothing happened, Jess.
00:18:55	-Bye.
00:18:58	We do the rest of the house in 14 seconds.
00:19:00	Then Council provides the lightning.
00:19:03	...and we head the 92 light years home.
00:19:20	Setty Lab. This is Mills.
00:19:22	Dad, come home right away.
00:19:28	You can't leave now! What if we get rain?
00:19:34	Jessie!
00:19:36	Stay away from me.
00:19:37	No, it's not what you think.
00:19:47	You are an alien!
00:19:57	Oh, my God!
00:20:04	And you!
00:20:07	Quiet!
00:20:12	-Bag, let her down!
00:20:14	What do you want?
00:20:16	We're from Co-sign into the Eighth.
00:20:18	Ninety-two light years
00:20:21	Your father penetrated our atmosphere
00:20:26	We must duplicate that transmission
00:20:30	...or our civilisation will be destroyed.
00:20:32	Is that why you're here?
00:20:36	-We assume that's a lie.
00:20:39	You should know him well enough
00:20:43	Could that be the truth?
00:20:46	No! The teenager is lying, too.
00:20:50	No, I don't think so.
00:20:52	We have to find out
00:20:54	Leave? But what about my father?
00:20:57	He loves you. For the first time
00:21:01	You're gonna kill that in him.
00:21:04	Celeste doesn't care. Right, Celeste?
00:21:08	Right, Celeste?
00:21:10	Right.
00:21:14	If you don't say anything,
00:21:16	No, we won't!
00:21:17	I'm in charge of this mission.
00:21:20	Will you not tell your father
00:21:22	Yes, just don't hurt him.
00:21:30	-Let her down.
00:21:31	Let her down!
00:21:35	That wasn't necessary.
00:21:41	Give the dog back his bark.
00:21:43	Celeste, your attitude sucks.
00:21:49	-Ciao, baby.
00:21:53	Daddy!
00:21:54	You said there was a fire!
00:21:56	I had to say there was a fire.
00:21:59	"The living room's spotless, come home."
00:22:01	Why did you call me? Why did you lie?
00:22:03	I had to. Daddy, you married a person
00:22:06	Celeste doesn't come from Holland.
00:22:08	She comes from a place 92 light years
00:22:12	Not again. You're going in for counselling.
00:22:14	She does. She took away Dave's bark
00:22:20	Celeste is not from another planet.
00:22:23	Your stepmother is not an alien.
00:22:26	I mean, please, this is a fantasy.
00:22:30	It's my business to know.
00:22:32	Why do we never see her eat or sleep?
00:22:34	And how come we suddenly get
00:22:38	And inside that bag there's a horrible eye.
00:22:42	Just like why my car wouldn't start
00:22:45	Just look inside.
00:22:51	I come home from the lab
00:22:58	Lipstick. Passion pink.
00:23:02	Mascara. Unusual for a purse, isn't it?
00:23:05	Q-tips. An eye!
00:23:08	Jessie, there's no eye in here.
00:23:10	She made it disappear.
00:23:13	And she did lift up the bacon
00:23:17	And what about all that food
00:23:19	You don't have an answer
00:23:22	And she's gonna be gone in 12 hours,
00:23:26	Now, honey, come on. Jessie, come here.
00:23:31	Jessie, where are you going?
00:23:37	Come back here, Jessie.
00:23:40	Get off the street!
00:23:43	Jessie, you bring that bike back here now!
00:23:47	-Stop!
00:23:52	Come on!
00:24:18	I'm sorry, I didn't see her. Is she all right?
00:24:22	She's okay.
00:24:23	I didn't see her.
00:24:25	It's all right.
00:24:35	You gave yourself away to save my life.
00:24:55	I'll be right back.
00:25:14	Do you really have to go?
00:25:18	It's the same on both our planets.
00:25:21	Just when you get to know someone
00:25:25	My mom, I mean, my first mom,
00:25:30	I know you have to go.
00:25:38	Can you at least wait till morning?
00:25:42	I'll try.
00:26:18	Where's your spaceship?
00:26:21	Behind your moon, Steve.
00:26:24	What do you do up there?
00:26:25	Meditate? Plan how to break hearts?
00:26:32	We are where you will be in 55 centuries.
00:26:36	I'm 1,296 years old.
00:26:40	We reproduce by synthesis in a petri dish.
00:26:44	We use 104 percent of our brain capacity
00:26:50	Our lives are spent in perfect harmony...
00:26:53	...improving our civilisation with none of
00:26:58	I see. Sort of like Switzerland.
00:27:01	Why do you reproduce in a petri dish?
00:27:03	We learned that sex was
00:27:06	So you got rid of it, just like that?
00:27:09	I must admit, we were a little hasty
00:27:11	You mean I married a virgin?
00:27:18	Don't you ever do stuff like
00:27:21	Sure we do.
00:27:22	What do you do on vacation?
00:27:24	Math.
00:27:26	What do you do to have fun?
00:27:28	Graphs.
00:27:32	We go to warm places together
00:27:39	It's too bad you don't eat food.
00:27:41	You might find it could be
00:27:44	You get pleasure out of food?
00:27:45	-Here.
00:27:47	If you want my secrets
00:27:56	Chew!
00:28:11	This is fun. What is it?
00:28:16	Ham and cheese on rye with mayo.
00:28:20	And I love the way it feels
00:28:24	...and the sides of my tongue.
00:28:26	This is fun.
00:28:28	Here, wash it down.
00:28:37	This makes me smile, too.
00:28:40	Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.
00:28:46	Celeste?
00:28:48	Did you ever like me?
00:28:51	Steve, of course I did. I do.
00:28:55	It wasn't just physics?
00:28:57	No. If I were an Earth person
00:29:02	-It might have taken a little longer, but--
00:29:08	I just can't.
00:29:09	What if I never sent
00:29:11	Then nobody would be able
00:29:15	Unfortunately that's not the history
00:29:18	And if you don't do that transmission,
00:29:24	-Are you mad at me?
00:29:26	I'm furious. I'm confused, I'm upset,
00:29:30	You're everything I ever wanted
00:29:33	If I send the transmission,
00:29:36	...and save your planet, I lose you.
00:29:38	If I don't send it,
00:29:42	But I'd make a lousy Earth person.
00:29:44	I made way too much breakfast,
00:29:46	The dog loves you. We all love you.
00:29:50	Don't you see, that's why it's so hard.
00:29:54	That's why I'm so torn apart.
00:29:57	I feel like Durante.
00:30:02	"Did you ever have the feeling
00:30:05	"Still had the feeling
00:30:07	"Knew it was right wasn't wrong
00:30:09	"Go stay, stay go"
00:30:12	That's exactly how I feel.
00:30:14	You know this song?
00:30:16	I feel just like you and Durante.
00:30:19	I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.
00:30:24	I feel only one way.
00:30:26	I want you to stay.
00:30:41	Boy, talk about being tied to your work.
00:30:45	I spend my whole career trying to prove
00:30:48	...and when I find it, I marry it.
00:30:56	Lightning.
00:30:59	You shocked me.
00:31:01	Static electricity.
00:31:11	Snaps.
00:31:12	Ron's buttons.
00:31:14	The cage around the Klystron.
00:31:16	That's the wild card! Come on.
00:31:22	He knows.
00:31:24	He's a true scientist.
00:31:26	You realise, of course, as soon as
00:31:32	-I'm aware of that.
00:31:35	-Kill them?
00:31:37	What do you call it? Earth.
00:31:39	We're not killing anybody.
00:31:41	We'll get what we need
00:31:43	I'm afraid not.
00:31:45	People, land mass, water.
00:31:50	We're not going to do anything.
00:31:52	Eight minutes after he
00:31:54	...here's Earth!
00:32:03	Jessie, sweetie! It's time.
00:32:06	Come on, get up.
00:32:17	Be careful.
00:32:51	Ron, it's Celeste.
00:32:54	Celeste! It's Ron!
00:32:57	Ron, it's just not working out.
00:33:01	What?
00:33:02	Our physical relationship
00:33:06	I need to talk to someone.
00:33:10	About your physical relationship?
00:33:16	Could you come to the lab, and we
00:33:19	The flesh? Yes, sure.
00:33:25	But we don't need to tell
00:33:29	And Ron, would you mind
00:33:32	I left my purse in the bedroom at home.
00:33:39	This is terrible. What am I going to do?
00:33:42	This is terrible. My own brother!
00:33:45	And yet.
00:34:03	Where've you been all day?
00:34:07	Grady, we need a conductor. A conductor.
00:34:11	Solid tin.
00:34:13	Next year when they give out
00:34:15	...I'll be up there, and I'll tell them about--
00:34:18	Steve, darling.
00:34:28	See what did it? Ronnie put his jacket
00:34:32	It was a short circuit.
00:34:33	Electrical impulse bouncing between
00:34:37	It threw the power way beyond
00:34:43	Telescope's all set, Dr. Mills.
00:34:45	You won't forget to tell Dr. Sagan
00:34:48	Carl Sagan? Sure.
00:34:50	Now all we need is the lightning.
00:34:52	Watch the monitors.
00:34:54	All right, put these on.
00:34:57	Put those on.
00:34:59	Okay, set your attractors.
00:35:01	Set your attractors.
00:35:03	Steve, I have to talk to you.
00:35:06	Bag!
00:35:07	You've signed your own
00:35:10	-Prepare to initiate the system.
00:35:14	I've got to. I want to kill myself.
00:35:16	-I'm in love with your wife.
00:35:18	Steve, the reflectors.
00:35:21	Ready!
00:35:23	Now!
00:35:31	Jesus!
00:35:41	Great! Nothing's changed here!
00:35:51	Daddy, look!
00:35:52	I know!
00:35:54	I'll be damned!
00:36:02	We did it again!
00:36:03	Science!
00:36:05	Steve, didn't you hear what I said?
00:36:07	I am in love with your wife.
00:36:09	She's in love with me.
00:36:14	Get rid of that bag.
00:36:15	The bag?
00:36:16	That bag will destroy your planet.
00:36:19	Babe, I love ya, we'll get rid of the bag.
00:36:23	A little eyeliner, a little lipstick,
00:36:38	Lights out!
00:36:52	T-minus ten seconds and counting.
00:36:55	Ten, nine, eight....
00:37:00	I am indestructible.
00:37:03	Seven, six, five, four, three....
00:37:30	You do a woman a favour
00:37:39	Is the pocketbook dead?
00:37:41	Of course, you nincompoop.
00:37:44	Please, step outside.
00:37:57	I'm in hell! This is hell!
00:38:00	The transmission was a success.
00:38:03	Our gravity has already begun to revert.
00:38:08	Why has this planet not been dispatched?
00:38:11	You never said you were going
00:38:14	We must! They know how to destroy us.
00:38:17	Council, Dr. Mills never meant
00:38:20	There are too many strange and
00:38:23	They have war, they have indifference,
00:38:26	Yes, but they also have jitterbugs.
00:38:29	-Jitterbugs?
00:38:31	And children.
00:38:32	Jokes. And ham and cheese
00:38:36	Mediocre.
00:38:38	And making love.
00:38:40	And sneezes.
00:38:41	Sneezes?
00:38:43	And Jimmy Durante!
00:38:46	Jimmy?
00:38:49	Show me Jimmy.
00:38:56	They want to see Jimmy.
00:38:58	Come on.
00:39:01	Grady.
00:39:04	Jimmy Durante from
00:39:12	Hello, up there,
00:39:15	...from some other dimensional planet.
00:39:18	Hit it!
00:39:20	"Did you ever have the feeling
00:39:23	"But still had the feeling
00:39:26	"You knew it was right wasn't wrong
00:39:39	"It's tough to have the feeling
00:39:41	"Still had the feeling
00:39:44	"Start to go, change your mind
00:39:46	"Start to go again
00:39:48	"It's tough to have the feeling
00:39:51	"Still have the feeling
00:39:53	"Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do
00:39:55	"l go
00:39:57	"l stay"
00:40:06	Kill them.
00:40:11	Hey, you! This is an English automobile!
00:40:21	We have never had sneezes.
00:40:26	Sneezing makes the head tingle.
00:40:31	What else is like this?
00:40:34	Sir, can you see with my eyes?
00:40:37	Of course.
00:40:39	Then this is why.
00:41:06	I see.
00:41:09	This...
00:41:11	...what do you call it? Earth.
00:41:16	It's too weird to destroy.
00:41:21	It will be spared.
00:41:26	Celeste, it is time to come home.
00:42:08	Now come home, Celeste.
00:42:16	Sir, I am home.
00:42:18	It's no use. I can't go.
00:42:22	That is impossible.
00:42:24	Celeste, you must return.
00:42:25	Wait. Come on now.
00:42:30	Hi. Steve Mills.
00:42:32	You look like a reasonable
00:42:36	We really have to work this out.
00:42:39	I'm in love...
00:42:40	...with your Chief Extragalactic Probist.
00:42:44	What do you mean, no?
00:42:45	We need someone to tell us
00:42:50	...and all your fuzziness.
00:42:53	Excuse me...
00:42:55	...Big Thing in the Sky...
00:42:57	...you need someone
00:43:00	We need someone to tell us
00:43:04	Does anyone up there
00:43:06	Everyone does.
00:43:08	-Better.
00:43:11	It's impossible.
00:43:12	Sir? He knows more than I do
00:43:18	It's an interesting idea.
00:43:21	He can come.
00:43:28	Who's gonna drive this thing?
00:43:30	Group Captain Winnek Woofet
00:43:49	My God!
00:43:55	She looks just like Princess Stephanie, too.
00:43:58	If you say so.
00:44:02	They all look like Princess Stephanie.
00:44:10	Can I ask you a question?
00:44:15	You think my Rolls would be impressive?
00:44:23	-Might be.
00:44:25	Yes, of course.
00:44:32	-Goodbye, my dear.
00:44:34	Bye, my dear.
00:44:41	Ron, are you sure you want to do this?
00:44:48	They all look like Princess Stephanie.
00:44:51	They do, don't they?
00:44:57	Time's wasting.
00:45:00	Where are the keys to your beachhouse?
00:45:08	Enjoy.
00:45:11	Have a nice drive. Flight. Trip.
00:45:15	Get the heck off this planet.
00:45:48	Come on.
00:45:50	Right over here, baby.
00:45:52	-What is it?
00:46:15	We'll be in touch, Celeste.
00:46:17	Enjoy your humanity while it lasts.
00:46:37	A little one-on-one dad?
00:46:41	No thanks, honey.
00:46:42	I think Celeste and I are going upstairs
00:46:47	I get it.
00:46:50	I'll be right up.
00:47:01	Are you human or what?
00:47:04	Human. Every part.
00:47:10	All that power to do stuff
00:47:14	I guess so.
00:47:16	Drive!
00:47:18	Drive!
00:51:58	Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash,

My Stepmother Is an Alien