|
Onion Movie The
|
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You can always count on |
| 00:00:39 |
It's America's finest news source. |
| 00:00:43 |
And now, the Onion News... |
| 00:00:45 |
America's finest news source. |
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Featuring Dana Dobbs... |
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senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... |
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and award-winning anchor, |
| 00:00:57 |
We begin today |
| 00:01:00 |
where automaking giant, |
| 00:01:02 |
announced a safety recall of all |
| 00:01:07 |
The neck belts introduced last month |
| 00:01:11 |
have been found to cause |
| 00:01:14 |
severe spinal damage |
| 00:01:17 |
Daddy's home. Hi, Dad. |
| 00:01:24 |
Today, the U.S. military announced |
| 00:01:29 |
You sign up right now... |
| 00:01:33 |
you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets... |
| 00:01:35 |
and a set of mud flaps for your truck. |
| 00:01:38 |
Then after six months of active duty... |
| 00:01:41 |
you are eligible to receive... |
| 00:01:43 |
an ounce of weed. |
| 00:01:45 |
Sweet! |
| 00:01:48 |
And in six more months, |
| 00:01:52 |
You're fuckin' lying. |
| 00:01:55 |
And if you serve a tour of duty |
| 00:01:59 |
you will receive |
| 00:02:02 |
- A hot bitch poster. |
| 00:02:09 |
The Internet went down |
| 00:02:12 |
plunging the nation into productivity. |
| 00:02:15 |
The outage, which caused major work |
| 00:02:19 |
prevented an estimated |
| 00:02:24 |
from messing around |
| 00:02:27 |
More Onion News after this. |
| 00:02:30 |
In a world without justice... |
| 00:02:34 |
where the strong |
| 00:02:46 |
One man must face |
| 00:02:49 |
Master, how did they defeat me? |
| 00:02:51 |
They used an ancient technique. |
| 00:02:53 |
It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength. |
| 00:03:00 |
For this attack, |
| 00:03:03 |
Master, will you teach me? |
| 00:03:05 |
- You are not yet ready, my son. |
| 00:03:12 |
No, you are not. |
| 00:03:16 |
You, young pupil... |
| 00:03:18 |
shall become... a cockpuncher. |
| 00:03:21 |
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures- |
| 00:03:24 |
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher. |
| 00:03:30 |
Stop! |
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Cockpuncher. |
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I don't think you have the balls. |
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From Global Tetrahedron Pictures. |
| 00:03:48 |
That looks awesome! |
| 00:03:51 |
Sure does, kids. |
| 00:03:54 |
Honey, have you seen |
| 00:04:00 |
- Mommy, look. |
| 00:04:03 |
If you see news happening, |
| 00:04:06 |
Honey, I cannot find my good black socks. |
| 00:04:13 |
Hello? Onion News? |
| 00:04:24 |
My baby! |
| 00:04:33 |
We're here live with |
| 00:04:35 |
Apparently, a local area man |
| 00:04:39 |
Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us |
| 00:04:43 |
Sure. Um, I got up. |
| 00:04:47 |
The kids are downstairs. |
| 00:04:52 |
And all of a sudden, I noticed |
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Here's your boy, ma'am, |
| 00:05:00 |
Oh. Thanks, thanks. |
| 00:05:02 |
Look, sweetie. Look! |
| 00:05:05 |
- The Onion News van! |
| 00:05:10 |
In other news, a local |
| 00:05:13 |
exercised his Second Amendment |
| 00:05:16 |
when he blew off his head |
| 00:05:20 |
The fatal incident is being hailed |
| 00:05:23 |
as a victory for America |
| 00:05:31 |
- Nobody move, unless you want |
| 00:05:35 |
- You! |
| 00:05:38 |
I'll give you however much you want. |
| 00:05:40 |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. |
| 00:05:43 |
You think that's what this is about? |
| 00:05:46 |
A big, angry black man |
| 00:05:48 |
and you assume |
| 00:05:50 |
I ain't looking for no goddamn handout. |
| 00:05:54 |
- Excuse me? |
| 00:05:59 |
Don't you see? If you give me money, |
| 00:06:02 |
But a job, that'll help me develop |
| 00:06:07 |
It's like teaching a man how to fish. |
| 00:06:10 |
So quit stalling, |
| 00:06:13 |
and give me a 40-hour week position... |
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with vacation pay and benefits... |
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you piece of shit motherfucker. |
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And don't make me ask twice. |
| 00:06:22 |
Back that ass up. |
| 00:06:24 |
Let's go. Let's go. I can help |
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You in that apricot sweater suit, |
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How can I help you today? |
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I'd like to deposit this check, |
| 00:06:37 |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
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What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne? |
| 00:06:44 |
- No. |
| 00:06:46 |
No, no, I swear. I was just on |
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I'm gonna kill you, bitch! |
| 00:06:53 |
Who the fuck's this? |
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Well, what I recommend is that |
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to just avoid |
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and put the rest in our money market which |
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Right. You have a nice day, sir. |
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Liz Anne, uh, sorry. |
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My bad. |
| 00:07:13 |
That's okay. |
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Armed gunman, |
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and I must say, I'm impressed. |
| 00:07:22 |
How'd you like to be |
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Mr. P., it'd be |
| 00:07:50 |
Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you |
| 00:07:54 |
I'll get you 8% on that one. |
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Everybody down now! |
| 00:07:59 |
Give me all the money! |
| 00:08:02 |
What you doing? |
| 00:08:04 |
Load the bag up with money, |
| 00:08:07 |
You hurry up! |
| 00:08:10 |
Load the bag up! |
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You sicken me. |
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instead of raising yourself up |
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Why don't you get a job like the rest of us? |
| 00:08:30 |
According to statistics, |
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And the surgeon general is taking steps |
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- As a result of the rampant |
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the government has been forced |
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from 55% body fat to 90%. |
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The move, which reduces |
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from 200 million to 185 million... |
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was widely applauded |
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It's high time the government stepped in |
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I don't wanna be obese. |
| 00:09:05 |
In other news, |
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plans to add a swastika and middle finger |
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Joe's Diner, |
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was not based around any sports, |
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- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? |
| 00:09:25 |
- He's not gonna be happy. |
| 00:09:27 |
Whatever the new parent |
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Melissa Cherry is America's |
| 00:09:37 |
selling millions of records |
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But is this young singer |
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Kip Kendall reports. |
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Her new album, Come With Me... |
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has gone quadruple platinum |
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# Baby, when we kiss |
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#And when you hold my hand |
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# Oh, yeah |
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But some concerned parents |
| 00:10:09 |
image and music are too sexy... |
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setting an inappropriate |
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So, what do you say to |
| 00:10:18 |
Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand |
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My music isn't about sex. |
| 00:10:25 |
It's about being a girl |
| 00:10:29 |
But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees," |
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Ew. It's about how... |
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like, when you have |
| 00:10:38 |
sometimes you get down on your knees |
| 00:10:43 |
# Oh, I got so much love |
| 00:10:50 |
What about your first big hit, |
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"Take Me From Behind" |
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It's about love sneaking up on you. |
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You know, like from the behind. |
| 00:11:03 |
You know, it could be a boyfriend's love |
| 00:11:05 |
or a friend's or even Jesus Christ. |
| 00:11:09 |
# But what I really want is for |
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# Oh, yeah # |
| 00:11:16 |
# Oh, yeah # |
| 00:11:18 |
# Oh # |
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# Oh, oh # |
| 00:11:23 |
#When you love me right up front |
| 00:11:27 |
# But what I really want is for you |
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Let's talk about the song, |
| 00:11:37 |
"Lollipop Love" is... |
| 00:11:41 |
the kind of love |
| 00:11:44 |
and you just kind of want to lick it, |
| 00:11:51 |
# Lollipop |
| 00:11:53 |
# Lollipop # |
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# Love # |
| 00:11:57 |
# Lollipop # |
| 00:11:59 |
# Love |
| 00:12:03 |
# Lolly, lolly, lolly |
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# Oh-ho, lollipop love # |
| 00:12:09 |
Like a lollipop. |
| 00:12:14 |
What about the song |
| 00:12:18 |
That's about how, like, |
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you just wanna be covered in it. |
| 00:12:24 |
# Shoot your love all over me # |
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# Oh, drown me in a milky sea # |
| 00:12:32 |
# Love all over me # |
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But clearly, the video |
| 00:12:38 |
What kind is that? |
| 00:12:41 |
- The kind with a... cum shot. |
| 00:12:44 |
How would I know what a facial is? |
| 00:12:46 |
Sometimes I like dressing up |
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but that's just my way |
| 00:12:52 |
You know, people are always |
| 00:12:55 |
but that's their problem, not mine. |
| 00:12:57 |
Because I know |
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She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl |
| 00:13:05 |
# Baby ## |
| 00:13:10 |
The pope condemned |
| 00:13:13 |
bringing the total number |
| 00:13:16 |
on the human body to 11. |
| 00:13:20 |
In international news... |
| 00:13:22 |
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan |
| 00:13:28 |
when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a- |
| 00:13:43 |
Hey, Norm. |
| 00:13:50 |
Hey, Norm. Okay. |
| 00:13:52 |
- Oh, there goes Norm again. |
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Onion tip line. |
| 00:14:13 |
Hey, Norm. What's up? |
| 00:14:16 |
Hey, Norman. |
| 00:14:18 |
What the hell was that? |
| 00:14:21 |
We'd, uh, been meaning |
| 00:14:24 |
Um, it's Globie. |
| 00:14:29 |
Yeah, the folks at Global |
| 00:14:32 |
you know, a fun, unobtrusive way |
| 00:14:36 |
Plus, you gotta admit, |
| 00:14:38 |
Hi, Norm. |
| 00:14:41 |
Who's the best anchorman |
| 00:14:45 |
Come on, Norman. |
| 00:14:49 |
These kind of tie-ins are |
| 00:14:52 |
It's called synergy, Norm. |
| 00:14:55 |
We cannot have a shameless ad |
| 00:14:58 |
running during the newscast. |
| 00:15:01 |
It's a blatant compromise |
| 00:15:09 |
I'm sorry. It's just that, um- |
| 00:15:12 |
You know, what you're saying, it's- |
| 00:15:14 |
It's a steaming pile of shit, mate. |
| 00:15:17 |
Norm, listen, what he's trying |
| 00:15:23 |
- It's- |
| 00:15:25 |
It's off the wall! |
| 00:15:29 |
It's the very best of |
| 00:15:33 |
Rolly Ingersoll should get |
| 00:15:39 |
All the top names in the business |
| 00:15:43 |
Jack Morton, |
| 00:15:45 |
You'll get all the zingers. |
| 00:15:48 |
Fuck you. |
| 00:15:50 |
All the comebacks. |
| 00:15:52 |
Suck my dick! |
| 00:16:00 |
For just 19.99, |
| 00:16:02 |
of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts |
| 00:16:06 |
But wait! If you order by credit card |
| 00:16:09 |
we'll throw in the second video, where the stars |
| 00:16:14 |
You know what I think you are? |
| 00:16:16 |
A fucking piece of shit! |
| 00:16:20 |
New tapes will arrive |
| 00:16:21 |
Keep only those you like and return the rest |
| 00:16:27 |
I fucked his wife! |
| 00:16:31 |
In the ass! |
| 00:16:33 |
Whoo! |
| 00:16:40 |
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... |
| 00:16:42 |
Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher! |
| 00:16:46 |
Awesome. |
| 00:16:52 |
Decadent, immoral, Western filth! |
| 00:16:57 |
Ooh. |
| 00:17:02 |
Awesome. |
| 00:17:12 |
Decadent, immoral, Western filth! |
| 00:17:15 |
Cockpuncher. |
| 00:17:25 |
Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team. |
| 00:17:28 |
This training video will teach you |
| 00:17:32 |
Death to the godless shit beasts! |
| 00:17:35 |
How to blend into |
| 00:17:37 |
Yeah. |
| 00:17:39 |
And so much more. |
| 00:17:42 |
Here are Ahmed and Ahman. |
| 00:17:44 |
They may be brothers, |
| 00:17:47 |
Ahmed knows punctuality |
| 00:17:49 |
He makes sure to leave plenty of time |
| 00:17:53 |
Death to the godless shit beasts! |
| 00:17:56 |
Ahman leaves everything |
| 00:17:58 |
Oh, shit! |
| 00:18:01 |
Ahmed double-checks the address of |
| 00:18:06 |
Ahman doesn't. |
| 00:18:10 |
Oh, shit! |
| 00:18:11 |
Ahmed dresses properly for work... |
| 00:18:13 |
wearing clothing that is loose |
| 00:18:17 |
Ahman dresses inappropriately. |
| 00:18:21 |
Ooh. |
| 00:18:23 |
And don't forget, as a martyr... |
| 00:18:25 |
you'll receive eternal life in paradise |
| 00:18:30 |
You'll be blessed with |
| 00:18:33 |
- Awesome. |
| 00:18:38 |
- Awesome. |
| 00:18:42 |
where work is truly a blast. |
| 00:18:50 |
Oh, shit! |
| 00:18:56 |
Death to godless shit beasts! |
| 00:19:01 |
- I'm gonna call Sarah. |
| 00:19:04 |
- Hey, guys. How's it going? |
| 00:19:07 |
I was playing Suicide Bomber. |
| 00:19:10 |
- No. |
| 00:19:12 |
I was gonna call Sarah. |
| 00:19:15 |
Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas? |
| 00:19:20 |
Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah! |
| 00:19:24 |
Show some love, fool! |
| 00:19:28 |
Hey, Tim. |
| 00:19:30 |
Damn! LittleJ... |
| 00:19:36 |
you are lookin' mad fly, boo. |
| 00:19:40 |
- You feel me? |
| 00:19:44 |
I just bounced from this |
| 00:19:48 |
I was hangin' out with these niggas |
| 00:19:52 |
You were hanging out |
| 00:19:56 |
No, but they was blastin' |
| 00:20:00 |
They was pourin' out some Cristal... |
| 00:20:03 |
breakin' off some endo smoke. |
| 00:20:07 |
You know what I'm sayin'? |
| 00:20:12 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:20:16 |
Y'all straight? |
| 00:20:19 |
Code Two. Code Two. |
| 00:20:22 |
We have visual confirmation |
| 00:20:27 |
- This is Unit One. |
| 00:20:29 |
All possible units, please respond. |
| 00:20:35 |
And this booty that was like- |
| 00:20:42 |
Yo, what the fuck is this? |
| 00:20:45 |
- What's going on, Officers? |
| 00:20:48 |
by a young black male |
| 00:20:52 |
What? |
| 00:20:54 |
What are you- What are you |
| 00:20:57 |
- No, it's not you? |
| 00:20:59 |
Hey, Frank, you see any other young |
| 00:21:03 |
- Don't see any. |
| 00:21:05 |
- In the car, darky. |
| 00:21:09 |
I'm white. |
| 00:21:12 |
My dad's Irish. |
| 00:21:14 |
We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church |
| 00:21:18 |
Settle down back there, chocolate! |
| 00:21:23 |
Let's stand right over here. |
| 00:21:26 |
Nobody can see you. |
| 00:21:28 |
Now, I just want you to point |
| 00:21:33 |
Him. That... Negro. |
| 00:21:38 |
Okay, thanks. |
| 00:21:47 |
This is Dana Dobbs here |
| 00:21:50 |
where any second now we'll hear |
| 00:21:55 |
Will the defendant please rise? |
| 00:22:01 |
Ladies and gentleman, |
| 00:22:05 |
Yes, we have, Your Honor. |
| 00:22:08 |
find the Negro... guilty. |
| 00:22:10 |
There you have it. The Negro is guilty. |
| 00:22:17 |
- Welcome to |
| 00:22:22 |
Hello. We are now a good |
| 00:22:25 |
so we thought it would be a good time |
| 00:22:29 |
And joining us to provide just that... |
| 00:22:32 |
are Nicholas Van Essen |
| 00:22:35 |
Offer us, if you will, your take on |
| 00:22:39 |
I'll have to say, Kenneth, |
| 00:22:43 |
Sketch after sketch, |
| 00:22:47 |
a brilliantly biting skewering |
| 00:22:51 |
Well, Raymond, what do you think? |
| 00:22:53 |
- I must strenuously disagree. |
| 00:22:56 |
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, |
| 00:23:01 |
It saddens me that the Onion has stooped |
| 00:23:05 |
pandering to the masses. |
| 00:23:07 |
Well, now for a third opinion... |
| 00:23:10 |
let's go straight to the source. |
| 00:23:12 |
We have with us here |
| 00:23:16 |
Welcome, Masses. |
| 00:23:20 |
So, what do you think of the film? |
| 00:23:23 |
It's pretty cool so far, I guess. |
| 00:23:25 |
That Cockpuncher dude is awesome. |
| 00:23:29 |
But this part, with these film-expert assholes- |
| 00:23:34 |
I mean, why do you even have these two |
| 00:23:38 |
Fags! |
| 00:23:40 |
Lose 'em and let's get on |
| 00:23:44 |
Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor... |
| 00:23:47 |
of a cruise aboard the luxurious |
| 00:23:51 |
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much |
| 00:23:55 |
shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine... |
| 00:23:59 |
monster cocks. |
| 00:24:01 |
Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing. |
| 00:24:03 |
Work those muscles |
| 00:24:07 |
Enjoy our world-class spa. |
| 00:24:09 |
Or take a thrilling |
| 00:24:12 |
Yes, whether you want |
| 00:24:15 |
or play blackjack |
| 00:24:18 |
the Queen Nathan II's |
| 00:24:21 |
So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II. |
| 00:24:24 |
And now it's time |
| 00:24:29 |
Yes, everyone knows that |
| 00:24:32 |
and Native Americans are all drunks. |
| 00:24:35 |
But did you know |
| 00:24:39 |
It's also true that Eskimos |
| 00:24:43 |
the Irish have enormous nipples... |
| 00:24:46 |
and Puerto Ricans can dangle |
| 00:24:50 |
Damn, that's unbelievable. |
| 00:24:53 |
- How does he do that? |
| 00:24:55 |
- Also... |
| 00:24:57 |
did you know that the Dutch |
| 00:25:00 |
Visa? With a special |
| 00:25:04 |
Peruvians love to swoop in |
| 00:25:09 |
And they can shoot laser beams |
| 00:25:12 |
And, of course, |
| 00:25:16 |
Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine |
| 00:25:28 |
Okay, that must be our final player. |
| 00:25:37 |
- Hi, Julie! |
| 00:25:39 |
- Welcome. |
| 00:25:41 |
Oh, thank you! |
| 00:25:44 |
- Everybody, this is Julie. |
| 00:25:47 |
- Pretty cute, huh? |
| 00:25:49 |
Have a seat. So, I understand this |
| 00:25:52 |
Ah, you are gonna |
| 00:25:54 |
With any luck, by the end of the night |
| 00:25:58 |
Any one of us could be the rapist! |
| 00:26:03 |
- I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?" |
| 00:26:07 |
Don't these things usually |
| 00:26:12 |
Yeah, Julie, see, |
| 00:26:15 |
and frankly, we were getting |
| 00:26:19 |
So I was like, " Isn't there some other |
| 00:26:22 |
And I'm in the store the other day... |
| 00:26:27 |
How fantastic is that? |
| 00:26:31 |
So, anyway, Julie, |
| 00:26:36 |
you get to be the victim. |
| 00:26:40 |
Okay? |
| 00:26:42 |
- Ooh. |
| 00:26:45 |
Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. |
| 00:26:48 |
The lights are gonna go out. |
| 00:26:52 |
We're all gonna come running in, but you're |
| 00:26:56 |
Don't you think this is a little... sick? |
| 00:27:00 |
Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun. |
| 00:27:06 |
I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with |
| 00:27:09 |
- I guess not. |
| 00:27:12 |
revolving around a lesser crime |
| 00:27:16 |
- Well, it's just different. |
| 00:27:18 |
Come on, guys. |
| 00:27:21 |
Get your cards. Okay? |
| 00:27:27 |
CD in here. |
| 00:27:29 |
Okay, get down on the floor. |
| 00:27:31 |
Ready for a rapin'? |
| 00:27:36 |
Oh, no, please don't rape me. |
| 00:27:40 |
- Shut up, you bitch! |
| 00:27:44 |
- Shut the fuck up! |
| 00:27:46 |
Shut up, bitch! |
| 00:27:48 |
- Oh, no! |
| 00:27:56 |
Wow. |
| 00:27:58 |
" Oh, no. The sweet, innocent, |
| 00:28:03 |
Lock the door. No one is leaving |
| 00:28:06 |
- Nice accent. |
| 00:28:08 |
Who committed this rape? Hmm? |
| 00:28:11 |
Was it... the creepy uncle? |
| 00:28:16 |
The handsome, young Ivy League |
| 00:28:19 |
who's used to getting what |
| 00:28:24 |
Um, the prisoner |
| 00:28:26 |
Or the vaguely hermaphroditic |
| 00:28:30 |
from the senior center |
| 00:28:32 |
Ooh, he's so creepy! |
| 00:28:37 |
"I was with my wife. |
| 00:28:40 |
"Besides, that bitch has been |
| 00:28:44 |
You can't believe anything she says!" |
| 00:28:47 |
"I have 22 fraternity brothers |
| 00:28:52 |
Oh, I bet you do. |
| 00:28:56 |
Whoa, Julie, I know this |
| 00:28:59 |
- but you're not acting very raped. |
| 00:29:02 |
Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up. |
| 00:29:06 |
The rapist shattered |
| 00:29:11 |
Um, I'm leaving. |
| 00:29:13 |
Wha-What? |
| 00:29:15 |
Ju- Come-Julie, wh- |
| 00:29:21 |
Now what? |
| 00:29:25 |
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me. |
| 00:29:29 |
Oh, no, please don't rape me. |
| 00:29:35 |
Taffy? |
| 00:29:43 |
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby |
| 00:29:47 |
when Congress passed legislation |
| 00:29:51 |
to a single room in Iowa. |
| 00:29:54 |
- Traffic was backed up from |
| 00:29:56 |
as smokers tried to get to the lounge. |
| 00:29:59 |
Move the car, |
| 00:30:02 |
Smokers from across the country |
| 00:30:05 |
to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge |
| 00:30:09 |
I drove all the way from San Francisco |
| 00:30:13 |
I'm supposed to be back |
| 00:30:16 |
It's a 37-hour drive. |
| 00:30:20 |
In legal news, a judge has declared |
| 00:30:24 |
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter, |
| 00:30:29 |
Judge Edward Conlin |
| 00:30:32 |
with her washboard abs |
| 00:30:35 |
is of too sound body... |
| 00:30:38 |
to be tried for the killing |
| 00:30:44 |
According to a new medical study... |
| 00:30:47 |
depression hits losers hardest. |
| 00:30:50 |
The study found that extreme, |
| 00:30:53 |
most commonly afflicts |
| 00:30:57 |
who can't do anything right. |
| 00:31:06 |
Are you ready? |
| 00:31:09 |
Oooh. |
| 00:31:11 |
# Baby, when we kiss |
| 00:31:16 |
#And when you hold my hand |
| 00:31:20 |
# But there's one kind of lovin' |
| 00:31:26 |
# So let me give you some affection |
| 00:31:31 |
- I like that. |
| 00:31:35 |
# I'm beggin' please, please for you # |
| 00:31:39 |
# Oh, got so much love |
| 00:31:43 |
# It's a big job |
| 00:31:47 |
# Oh, yeah |
| 00:31:50 |
# Oh # |
| 00:31:55 |
# Baby |
| 00:31:57 |
# Beggin' please, please ## |
| 00:31:59 |
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, |
| 00:32:02 |
Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk. |
| 00:32:07 |
Hey, Dirk. |
| 00:32:09 |
it's a few years old, |
| 00:32:12 |
I got just the thing. |
| 00:32:15 |
The Bates 4000. |
| 00:32:19 |
These babies came in on Tuesday. |
| 00:32:22 |
Eighty "G's" of RAM. |
| 00:32:24 |
We're talking |
| 00:32:27 |
D.V.K. compatible memory card... |
| 00:32:30 |
dual-burning DVD drives... |
| 00:32:32 |
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive... |
| 00:32:35 |
with a plus-four digital |
| 00:32:38 |
This will knock the shit |
| 00:32:43 |
Well, I'm just looking for your basic, |
| 00:32:47 |
I know, your wife has you |
| 00:32:51 |
This is the Bates 4000. |
| 00:32:54 |
It's not going anywhere. |
| 00:32:56 |
Well, I have the Bates 1000 |
| 00:32:59 |
Oh, excuse me. |
| 00:33:02 |
Oh, that's great! |
| 00:33:05 |
Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman |
| 00:33:09 |
Those things are barbaric. |
| 00:33:11 |
I mean, last time I checked, |
| 00:33:14 |
I'm joking, of course. But look, |
| 00:33:19 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:33:22 |
- All right, let's do it. |
| 00:33:30 |
Wow, honey. Are you sure |
| 00:33:33 |
You kidding? This thing's got |
| 00:33:36 |
and a 16,000 |
| 00:33:39 |
Dude, you're not still using |
| 00:33:43 |
That thing's ancient. |
| 00:33:46 |
- Really? |
| 00:33:48 |
You got to get you one of these: |
| 00:33:53 |
Absolute cutting-edge. |
| 00:33:56 |
Wow, that is newer. |
| 00:34:01 |
The new Bates 5000. |
| 00:34:03 |
Throw your 4000 away. |
| 00:34:17 |
This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert. |
| 00:34:20 |
My guest today |
| 00:34:24 |
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps |
| 00:34:28 |
the Bates 6000, |
| 00:34:34 |
Asshole! |
| 00:34:44 |
Hey, I just dropped off |
| 00:34:47 |
Now, what do you want me |
| 00:34:49 |
6000s? Throw 'em in the fucking |
| 00:34:57 |
That's right. Twice the memory |
| 00:35:01 |
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor. |
| 00:35:04 |
Hi. |
| 00:35:07 |
Bates was 42. |
| 00:35:11 |
In other news, after a six-month |
| 00:35:15 |
actor Bryce Brand |
| 00:35:18 |
That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar |
| 00:35:23 |
where, at any moment, he's due to return |
| 00:35:28 |
Bryce! |
| 00:35:34 |
Bobby, baby! |
| 00:35:36 |
- Bryce. |
| 00:35:39 |
Bobby, baby! |
| 00:35:43 |
- I'm back! |
| 00:35:46 |
I cannot tell you how good I feel |
| 00:35:50 |
and high on life. |
| 00:35:52 |
Hey, that's what they're saying. |
| 00:35:55 |
Oh, man, was I a mess. |
| 00:36:01 |
But all that's changed now |
| 00:36:05 |
You know, I never knew how amazing |
| 00:36:10 |
It's just the little things, like... |
| 00:36:14 |
smelling the flowers- |
| 00:36:20 |
Or watching the sunset, |
| 00:36:24 |
You know, these things get me |
| 00:36:29 |
That's great, um, Bryce. |
| 00:36:31 |
So, we have got a lot of |
| 00:36:35 |
Now I brought a script. It is fantastic. |
| 00:36:38 |
Actually, your part is comedic. |
| 00:36:40 |
Bob, this chamomile is so amazing. |
| 00:36:43 |
It is blowing my mind, man. |
| 00:36:46 |
No. Thank you, though. |
| 00:36:49 |
Um, back to the script. |
| 00:36:52 |
Bob, one thing sobriety |
| 00:36:54 |
is that you have to take time out |
| 00:36:59 |
Can you put the tea down for a sec? |
| 00:37:03 |
- Bryce? |
| 00:37:06 |
- Bryce. |
| 00:37:13 |
The nation's rapidly growing |
| 00:37:16 |
which recently passed |
| 00:37:19 |
has created |
| 00:37:21 |
In an attempt to alleviate |
| 00:37:24 |
the government announced today |
| 00:37:28 |
will be asked to take prisoners |
| 00:37:35 |
Hi. Uh, I'm Dick. |
| 00:37:41 |
This-This is my wife, Sarah. |
| 00:37:43 |
This is our daughter, Allie. |
| 00:37:45 |
And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10. |
| 00:37:48 |
Welcome to our home. |
| 00:37:51 |
'Sup. |
| 00:37:56 |
Don't drop this shit on me, bitch! |
| 00:37:59 |
What the fuck are you doing? Don't just |
| 00:38:10 |
Damn, it's good to see some women. |
| 00:38:13 |
Mm-mm-mm. |
| 00:38:15 |
Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts. |
| 00:38:20 |
Lights out, guys. |
| 00:38:24 |
If successful, |
| 00:38:27 |
will be moved to suburban homes |
| 00:38:35 |
Hello and welcome once again |
| 00:38:38 |
I'm Kenneth Garber. |
| 00:38:40 |
And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts... |
| 00:38:43 |
president of the National Coalition |
| 00:38:46 |
and James Nakatami, director of |
| 00:38:51 |
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you. |
| 00:38:53 |
Your organization is not pleased with |
| 00:38:59 |
Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth. |
| 00:39:02 |
We are just about halfway |
| 00:39:04 |
and we've yet to see a dignified |
| 00:39:08 |
So far, we've only been shown |
| 00:39:12 |
Just take a look at that last sketch. |
| 00:39:14 |
So, what specifically |
| 00:39:17 |
The filmmakers put a positive black role model |
| 00:39:21 |
or we will be organizing a nationwide |
| 00:39:25 |
That means every single African American |
| 00:39:29 |
will exit the theater. |
| 00:39:31 |
Mr. Nakatami, |
| 00:39:33 |
Thus far, there are maybe one... |
| 00:39:36 |
or, at the most, two, |
| 00:39:40 |
How do you feel about such |
| 00:39:43 |
Me no "rikey." |
| 00:39:48 |
Excuse me? |
| 00:39:50 |
Me no "rikey." |
| 00:39:52 |
And... back to the film. |
| 00:39:56 |
In legal news, local |
| 00:39:59 |
is suing for the right to be |
| 00:40:04 |
Frankel, an employee |
| 00:40:08 |
alleged that during |
| 00:40:10 |
not a single female coworker made |
| 00:40:15 |
either verbal or physical. |
| 00:40:19 |
In other news, health officials |
| 00:40:21 |
that a potentially deadly |
| 00:40:24 |
has been spreading |
| 00:40:27 |
And is now moving south towards the coast of- |
| 00:40:42 |
Hey, Norm. |
| 00:40:49 |
Hey, Norm. |
| 00:40:51 |
- Oh, there goes Norm again. |
| 00:41:05 |
Onion tip line. |
| 00:41:11 |
- All right. Listen to me. |
| 00:41:13 |
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's |
| 00:41:18 |
Our job is to deliver |
| 00:41:21 |
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news. |
| 00:41:24 |
In this crazy world, the Onion may be |
| 00:41:30 |
Look, don't be so naive, Norm. |
| 00:41:35 |
Listen, Norm. I know you're not |
| 00:41:39 |
But the suits at |
| 00:41:41 |
want you to open up Friday's broadcast |
| 00:41:48 |
But Friday is the day |
| 00:41:51 |
as a deadline for pulling out |
| 00:41:54 |
It's also the day that |
| 00:41:58 |
I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy |
| 00:42:02 |
But it's a million miles away. |
| 00:42:05 |
The more important news story |
| 00:42:08 |
It's sweeping the nation. |
| 00:42:11 |
And it better sweep |
| 00:42:15 |
Take a putt? |
| 00:42:18 |
No? |
| 00:42:29 |
You owe me a pound, |
| 00:42:33 |
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... |
| 00:42:36 |
- Steven Seagal is- |
| 00:42:38 |
Goddamn whorish corporate plugs. |
| 00:42:45 |
I'm a newsman, damn it. |
| 00:42:47 |
Oh! |
| 00:42:53 |
- Cockpuncher. |
| 00:42:56 |
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday. |
| 00:43:04 |
- Excuse me, sir. |
| 00:43:06 |
No, thank you. I don't drink, |
| 00:43:10 |
No. I was just wondering if you could |
| 00:43:14 |
Um, two blocks down |
| 00:43:17 |
Thank you very much. |
| 00:43:27 |
Mm-hmm. |
| 00:43:35 |
Thank you. |
| 00:44:22 |
Uh, help? |
| 00:44:27 |
Has your penis become stuck |
| 00:44:31 |
Call Kostman's, the penis people. |
| 00:44:34 |
We've been the tri-county area's... |
| 00:44:36 |
penis retrieval |
| 00:44:39 |
We'll get any penis |
| 00:44:43 |
That's my personal guarantee. |
| 00:44:45 |
So don't just sit there hoping that your penis |
| 00:44:50 |
Call Kostman's. |
| 00:44:52 |
- Dave got my penis out. |
| 00:44:57 |
Dave got my penis out. |
| 00:44:59 |
Dave got all our penises out! |
| 00:45:02 |
Kostman's, the penis people. |
| 00:45:09 |
This week's campaign is gonna rule. |
| 00:45:11 |
I can't wait for the assault |
| 00:45:14 |
I know. It's gonna be |
| 00:45:16 |
I have a third-level elven cleric |
| 00:45:21 |
Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome. |
| 00:45:27 |
Well, what have we stumbled upon here? |
| 00:45:32 |
Oh, shit. |
| 00:45:34 |
Dare you challenge the might |
| 00:45:40 |
Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings |
| 00:45:45 |
who have ne'er tasted my blade. |
| 00:45:48 |
This douche bag ruins everything. |
| 00:45:50 |
Prepare for total devastation. |
| 00:45:54 |
The magical wizardry, |
| 00:45:57 |
and incomparable equipment roster |
| 00:46:01 |
will make short work |
| 00:46:16 |
Okay, Lyle. |
| 00:46:18 |
How's about letting some of |
| 00:46:23 |
Okay? |
| 00:46:25 |
When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts, |
| 00:46:28 |
And none shall be given. |
| 00:46:33 |
All right. |
| 00:46:44 |
Now that I have readied my provisions |
| 00:46:51 |
let the slaughter begin. |
| 00:47:41 |
None remain standing before me. |
| 00:47:44 |
All have fallen before |
| 00:48:00 |
Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined |
| 00:48:04 |
What care I for |
| 00:48:07 |
They shall bow before my wrath. |
| 00:48:10 |
In the realm of fantasy, only the strong |
| 00:48:15 |
Whatever. |
| 00:48:24 |
Alas, the day's adventuring |
| 00:48:28 |
and I must take |
| 00:48:32 |
If only I could live in |
| 00:48:37 |
instead of being forced to |
| 00:48:40 |
and its silly, weak-minded mortals. |
| 00:48:45 |
Oh, how I wish I could live in |
| 00:48:50 |
ruling the land as |
| 00:48:53 |
smiting orcs and ogres alike |
| 00:48:58 |
Proteus the Invincible? |
| 00:49:03 |
- I have heard your plea. |
| 00:49:07 |
- Who-Who goes there? |
| 00:49:13 |
Never before have I seen your equal |
| 00:49:17 |
What's going on? Guys? |
| 00:49:20 |
I have chosen to grant your wish, |
| 00:49:25 |
Come forth into the land of legends. |
| 00:49:33 |
God. Where am I? |
| 00:49:38 |
Ow! |
| 00:50:01 |
Oh, God. Where am I? |
| 00:50:03 |
Proteus. |
| 00:50:11 |
Prepare to piss thyself, human. |
| 00:50:17 |
No, no, no. |
| 00:50:24 |
Fucking geek. |
| 00:50:27 |
After last night's heartbreaking |
| 00:50:29 |
basketball star Dashante Jackson |
| 00:50:34 |
You know, I'd like to put |
| 00:50:37 |
for not blessing me with the talent to |
| 00:50:41 |
You know, without him, |
| 00:50:45 |
Bitch, I don't know why |
| 00:50:51 |
In news from our nation's capital, |
| 00:50:55 |
marched on Washington today |
| 00:51:02 |
Until this teakettle is cured... |
| 00:51:08 |
there will never be enough |
| 00:51:12 |
Ding-dong! |
| 00:51:14 |
Karate! |
| 00:51:17 |
Give 'em hell! |
| 00:51:28 |
Hi. I'm Michael Bolton. |
| 00:51:31 |
Did you know that all over |
| 00:51:33 |
there are millions of children |
| 00:51:36 |
For more than 40 years, the What About |
| 00:51:40 |
a difference in the lives of |
| 00:51:44 |
And so can you... |
| 00:51:46 |
by adopting a What About |
| 00:51:48 |
But don't take my word for it. |
| 00:51:51 |
Hello. I am Dibo. |
| 00:51:54 |
- Come. |
| 00:51:57 |
Dibo has seen his standard |
| 00:52:00 |
of his pathetic |
| 00:52:03 |
The What About The Children Foundation... |
| 00:52:05 |
is able to provide |
| 00:52:07 |
with some of the little things |
| 00:52:10 |
- Thanks, Jimmy. |
| 00:52:15 |
a 42 inch plasma-screen television... |
| 00:52:18 |
the latest Sony PlayStation |
| 00:52:21 |
1,000 thread count |
| 00:52:24 |
a subscription to |
| 00:52:26 |
and selections from Marc Jacobs' |
| 00:52:34 |
Get your own sponsor family! |
| 00:52:40 |
Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me |
| 00:52:45 |
Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours |
| 00:52:51 |
In breaking news, we now join |
| 00:52:56 |
where a verdict has just been handed down |
| 00:53:00 |
Dana, what's the latest |
| 00:53:03 |
Well, Norm, as you can see... |
| 00:53:05 |
I'm here outside the First |
| 00:53:07 |
where this angry mob of Negroes |
| 00:53:12 |
in the Timothy Shanahan case. |
| 00:53:20 |
We will keep you posted. |
| 00:53:22 |
- Thanks, Dana. |
| 00:53:25 |
Those crazy Negroes. |
| 00:53:28 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 00:53:30 |
Enter. |
| 00:53:33 |
Pardon me, General. |
| 00:53:35 |
- #Take me from behind # |
| 00:53:37 |
So, as you can see, generals, Deathco |
| 00:53:42 |
earned a triple-A rating in field trials |
| 00:53:48 |
making it the best land mine |
| 00:53:59 |
Nah, we're gonna pass. |
| 00:54:01 |
Thanks anyway. |
| 00:54:53 |
Fuck! |
| 00:54:56 |
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! |
| 00:54:58 |
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! |
| 00:55:03 |
Fuck, fuck! |
| 00:55:08 |
You call yourself a salesman? |
| 00:55:10 |
We spent $400 billion of the company's money |
| 00:55:14 |
You'd better find a way |
| 00:55:17 |
Tired of backbreaking yard work? |
| 00:55:20 |
Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny! |
| 00:55:24 |
Jumpin' Johnny |
| 00:55:27 |
Frags ragweed... |
| 00:55:29 |
crabgrass, dandelions... |
| 00:55:31 |
rabbits... |
| 00:55:32 |
raccoons... |
| 00:55:33 |
even elephants. |
| 00:55:35 |
So, what are you waiting for? |
| 00:55:41 |
It's now time for our weekly |
| 00:55:47 |
This week, the Brendan Laroux story. |
| 00:55:50 |
Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams. |
| 00:55:53 |
As a young boy, |
| 00:55:57 |
but at the age of 12, |
| 00:56:00 |
Now, this would be a setback |
| 00:56:02 |
but not Brendan, who set |
| 00:56:06 |
until, at age 14, |
| 00:56:09 |
Without my wrists, there was nothing |
| 00:56:14 |
So, even though my hands were fine, |
| 00:56:18 |
Now, Brendan may not have had as many |
| 00:56:23 |
but there was one dream |
| 00:56:26 |
becoming a professional |
| 00:56:30 |
At first, the other players |
| 00:56:33 |
But after seeing all the attention that |
| 00:56:37 |
The special treatment stopped. Brendan |
| 00:56:41 |
But it all paid off when |
| 00:56:44 |
The coach said, |
| 00:56:49 |
first legless, handless player?" |
| 00:56:53 |
It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration. |
| 00:56:58 |
But then, two days later... |
| 00:57:02 |
Brendan found out that |
| 00:57:05 |
leaving his spine exposed, and that |
| 00:57:09 |
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours. |
| 00:57:12 |
Brendan came back better than ever. |
| 00:57:19 |
Brendan persevered |
| 00:57:23 |
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds |
| 00:57:28 |
went bankrupt, |
| 00:57:32 |
He was also molested |
| 00:57:35 |
Today, Brendan's journey |
| 00:57:39 |
who never would have |
| 00:57:41 |
if he hadn't broken down |
| 00:57:46 |
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, |
| 00:57:50 |
and three-time national |
| 00:57:56 |
Blind stockcar driver, |
| 00:58:05 |
Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors. |
| 00:58:12 |
Gil Sarinen, the world's first |
| 00:58:21 |
and, of course, Chicago |
| 00:58:26 |
who was born with Judaism. |
| 00:58:37 |
Yes, none of it would have |
| 00:58:42 |
a true Inspirational Portrait. |
| 00:58:47 |
In adult entertainment |
| 00:58:50 |
the nation's porn stars |
| 00:58:53 |
in a unified demand for stronger, |
| 00:58:58 |
Fuck me with your big cock! |
| 00:59:00 |
- Give it to me harder! |
| 00:59:04 |
Calling the tragedy a terrible, |
| 00:59:09 |
the Los Angeles Police Department |
| 00:59:12 |
for the accidental shooting, clubbing... |
| 00:59:15 |
stabbing, firebombing, choking, |
| 00:59:19 |
and lethal-injection death |
| 00:59:24 |
I'm Kip Kendall reporting |
| 00:59:27 |
- As the conflict between Sloravia |
| 00:59:31 |
college campuses across this country |
| 00:59:36 |
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today. |
| 00:59:40 |
Stop the violence. |
| 00:59:44 |
Stop the violence! |
| 00:59:46 |
Increase the peace! |
| 00:59:50 |
For the past three years, |
| 00:59:54 |
they've been locked in |
| 00:59:58 |
Their cowardly leaders send |
| 01:00:04 |
Well, you know what? |
| 01:00:06 |
We need to put those leaders |
| 01:00:14 |
And you know what else? What these countries |
| 01:00:19 |
- Th-They need to listen to |
| 01:00:22 |
Because women create life, |
| 01:00:30 |
So, let's all stand up against |
| 01:00:32 |
that only exists to do |
| 01:00:36 |
against the- the oppressed minority. |
| 01:00:39 |
Right? |
| 01:00:45 |
Love your brother! Peace! One love. |
| 01:00:56 |
- Excuse me, Chad. |
| 01:00:59 |
We're with the U.N. |
| 01:01:04 |
What you said up there |
| 01:01:07 |
What? |
| 01:01:08 |
We want you to negotiate talks |
| 01:01:13 |
Shut up, dude. |
| 01:01:15 |
We're convinced you are the man who can |
| 01:01:20 |
Will you do it, Chad? |
| 01:01:28 |
- Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in! |
| 01:01:32 |
- Would you come with me, please? |
| 01:01:40 |
Your systematic campaign of aggression... |
| 01:01:43 |
against my country is the reason- |
| 01:01:46 |
Our military operations are purely |
| 01:01:52 |
- You are the one to violate the peace treaty! |
| 01:02:00 |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. |
| 01:02:02 |
Guys, chill, chill. |
| 01:02:09 |
Don't you guys realize that war, no matter |
| 01:02:16 |
It's not? |
| 01:02:20 |
No, man. |
| 01:02:28 |
Now, let's get |
| 01:02:41 |
# A baby's born |
| 01:02:46 |
# One child's laughing |
| 01:02:50 |
# Seasons change |
| 01:02:58 |
# The sun comes up |
| 01:03:03 |
# The world takes another |
| 01:03:06 |
# The tide rolls out |
| 01:03:11 |
# Life goes on |
| 01:04:05 |
In international news... |
| 01:04:07 |
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan |
| 01:04:11 |
when the leaders of |
| 01:04:27 |
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia |
| 01:04:32 |
- If it's not our lead story, |
| 01:04:41 |
Cockpuncher mania. |
| 01:04:57 |
Two minutes, Norm. |
| 01:06:14 |
And now, the Onion News, |
| 01:06:18 |
Honey, it's about to start. |
| 01:06:19 |
Featuring Dana Dobbs... |
| 01:06:22 |
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... |
| 01:06:24 |
- and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. |
| 01:06:38 |
For the past 27 years, |
| 01:06:42 |
dedicating myself to one thing- |
| 01:06:45 |
delivering the news to you, |
| 01:06:48 |
in the most fair, balanced, |
| 01:06:52 |
What's he doing? |
| 01:06:54 |
Well, things are changing |
| 01:06:57 |
and I've been under pressure |
| 01:06:59 |
The powers that be at this network |
| 01:07:04 |
to get me to compromise my values. |
| 01:07:06 |
So what do they want me to do? |
| 01:07:08 |
Plug our parent company's movies... |
| 01:07:11 |
and other products like |
| 01:07:14 |
Motherfucker. |
| 01:07:16 |
Well, I've been giving this |
| 01:07:21 |
and just a few moments |
| 01:07:24 |
I finally came to a conclusion. |
| 01:07:27 |
And that conclusion is- |
| 01:07:30 |
Nobody move |
| 01:07:35 |
The Al-Q'Utaya |
| 01:07:38 |
officially declares war |
| 01:07:41 |
United States of Satan. |
| 01:07:44 |
We shit on your country! |
| 01:07:48 |
That was good. |
| 01:07:52 |
the American people will watch |
| 01:07:58 |
get blown to pieces... |
| 01:08:01 |
unless the United States government |
| 01:08:06 |
for its rotting, immoral culture. |
| 01:08:09 |
Like that's gonna happen. |
| 01:08:11 |
Are you listening, Mr. President? |
| 01:08:15 |
- We might be fucked, sir. |
| 01:08:19 |
We will kill him right here |
| 01:08:23 |
Oh, yeah? |
| 01:08:28 |
I don't think you have the balls. |
| 01:08:31 |
Cockpuncher! |
| 01:08:33 |
Ahmed, it is the mighty |
| 01:08:42 |
I'm hungry. |
| 01:08:44 |
I could sure go for a sundae |
| 01:08:49 |
Yummy. |
| 01:08:53 |
Cockpuncher! |
| 01:09:10 |
Come on! |
| 01:09:16 |
I believe you'll be |
| 01:09:19 |
Not so fast, Cockpuncher. |
| 01:09:25 |
Cock blocked. |
| 01:09:30 |
Those clever terrorists. |
| 01:09:35 |
Maybe I can be of some assistance. |
| 01:09:37 |
- Hit it, boys! |
| 01:09:42 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 01:09:45 |
# But what I really want is for you |
| 01:09:50 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 01:09:54 |
- # But what I really want is for you-# |
| 01:09:58 |
# Oh, yeah # |
| 01:10:01 |
What the fuck is going on? |
| 01:10:03 |
Ahman, think unsexy thoughts! |
| 01:10:06 |
Think unsexy thoughts. |
| 01:10:08 |
Think unsexy thoughts. |
| 01:10:22 |
Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality |
| 01:10:28 |
Mr. President, the time has come to |
| 01:10:33 |
If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds, |
| 01:10:39 |
We might be fucked, sir. |
| 01:10:41 |
Ten, nine, eight... |
| 01:10:45 |
seven, six... |
| 01:10:47 |
five, four, three, two, one! |
| 01:10:57 |
- Not so rápido. |
| 01:11:00 |
- Daddy, what's a Peruvian? |
| 01:11:04 |
- ¡Viva Perú! |
| 01:11:29 |
Cockpuncher, amigo- |
| 01:11:57 |
You know, Ahman, |
| 01:12:02 |
I admit, I've punched thousands |
| 01:12:05 |
but I've never killed anyone. |
| 01:12:08 |
Because no matter what |
| 01:12:10 |
no matter |
| 01:12:13 |
no matter how much |
| 01:12:15 |
there's never any reason |
| 01:12:18 |
Human life is the most |
| 01:12:20 |
Fuckin'-A, man. |
| 01:12:25 |
You know what? |
| 01:12:30 |
You are absolutely |
| 01:12:33 |
Violence is not the answer. |
| 01:12:36 |
Terrorism never solved anything. |
| 01:12:41 |
Yeah! Yeah. |
| 01:12:43 |
I'm sick and tired of |
| 01:12:49 |
I'm sick of doing nothing |
| 01:12:52 |
Jesus H. Allah! |
| 01:12:56 |
God bless America. |
| 01:12:59 |
I like TV! And I like |
| 01:13:02 |
- Whoo! |
| 01:13:06 |
But most of all... |
| 01:13:08 |
I like this big-budget |
| 01:13:14 |
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks! |
| 01:13:18 |
¡Qué viva! |
| 01:13:23 |
Yeah! Whoo! |
| 01:13:26 |
Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh? |
| 01:13:32 |
Look, with all due respect, |
| 01:13:36 |
what were you gonna say |
| 01:13:38 |
Yeah, we were wondering what |
| 01:13:42 |
Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell |
| 01:13:46 |
- But after what just happened... |
| 01:13:48 |
I think I've learned a little lesson |
| 01:13:50 |
As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned |
| 01:13:57 |
We've learned that Irishmen |
| 01:14:01 |
We've learned that film-critic intellectuals |
| 01:14:05 |
And, most of all, we've learned... |
| 01:14:08 |
that creeping corporate |
| 01:14:12 |
protects us from terrorism. |
| 01:14:19 |
Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid! |
| 01:14:41 |
Um, I can't help but think... |
| 01:14:43 |
it must have taken a lot of courage |
| 01:14:48 |
And joining us |
| 01:14:52 |
is the man who green-lit the film. |
| 01:14:55 |
Thanks, Kenneth. |
| 01:14:57 |
So, uh, now, while you gave the makers |
| 01:15:03 |
still, there was some material |
| 01:15:06 |
That's true. |
| 01:15:08 |
Basically, as committed as I was to letting |
| 01:15:11 |
there were simply some images |
| 01:15:15 |
Mm-hmm. But I understand |
| 01:15:18 |
That's right. Uh, I would like to show |
| 01:15:22 |
These are scenes that didn't |
| 01:15:24 |
Great. Let's take a look. |
| 01:15:42 |
So what we do is we get the kitty... |
| 01:15:45 |
and we put it in |
| 01:15:48 |
Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine. |
| 01:15:51 |
And then we just simply roll it around... |
| 01:15:53 |
making sure we cover |
| 01:15:55 |
It's all right, baby. It's okay. |
| 01:15:57 |
Get him completely covered in |
| 01:16:00 |
I see. Okay. Oh! |
| 01:16:02 |
Thank you. |
| 01:16:07 |
You know, I think you have to |
| 01:16:19 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 01:16:22 |
# But what I really want is for you |
| 01:16:27 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 01:16:31 |
# But what I really want is for you |
| 01:16:35 |
#Oh, yeah # |
| 01:16:37 |
#Oh, yeah # |
| 01:16:39 |
#Oh, yeah # |
| 01:16:42 |
# Oh, oh # |
| 01:16:44 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front # |
| 01:16:46 |
# You know that I don't mind |
| 01:16:49 |
# But what I really want is for you |
| 01:16:53 |
# Oh, when you love me right up front |
| 01:16:57 |
# But what I really want is for you |
| 01:17:01 |
# I don't mind, no |
| 01:17:06 |
# Take me from behind, yeah # |
| 01:17:11 |
# I don't mind, don't mind |
| 01:17:15 |
Are you ready? |
| 01:17:19 |
Down on my knees. |
| 01:17:25 |
# Baby, when we kiss |
| 01:17:30 |
# And when you hold my hand |
| 01:17:35 |
# But there's one kind of lovin' |
| 01:17:39 |
# Oh, no |
| 01:17:43 |
# Just below your waist # |
| 01:17:45 |
# Oh, yeah |
| 01:17:49 |
# I'm beggin' please, please for you # |
| 01:17:51 |
# Got so much love |
| 01:17:57 |
# It's a big job |
| 01:18:01 |
# Oh, yeah |
| 01:18:04 |
# Oh # |
| 01:18:08 |
# Baby |
| 01:18:12 |
# Beggin'. please, please ## |
| 01:18:13 |
# Oh # |
| 01:18:17 |
Shoot your love, baby. |
| 01:18:23 |
# Tell me, why must you hide # |
| 01:18:29 |
# That love |
| 01:18:35 |
# Ooh, ooh # |
| 01:18:37 |
# It's been building up |
| 01:18:41 |
# Yeah # |
| 01:18:45 |
# And that feeling's |
| 01:18:49 |
# Oh, so baby # |
| 01:18:51 |
# Shoot your love all over me |
| 01:18:57 |
# Drown me in a milky sea |
| 01:19:03 |
# Hey, baby # |
| 01:19:05 |
# It's you and I |
| 01:19:08 |
# For eternity |
| 01:19:11 |
# That's why you got to |
| 01:19:17 |
# Oh, yeah # |
| 01:19:19 |
# When I look at you, baby # |
| 01:19:22 |
# I see a man full of spunk # |
| 01:19:26 |
# But what good is it to me # |
| 01:19:30 |
# Locked away in that trunk # |
| 01:19:34 |
# I don't need more roses # |
| 01:19:37 |
# No, that would be |
| 01:19:41 |
# The gift I want from you |
| 01:19:44 |
# Is my very own pearl necklace |
| 01:19:49 |
# Shoot your love all over me # |
| 01:19:53 |
# Hey |
| 01:19:57 |
# Love all over me # |
| 01:20:00 |
# Ooh, baby # |
| 01:20:02 |
# It's you and I |
| 01:20:05 |
# For eternity |
| 01:20:09 |
# That's why you got to shoot your love-# |
| 01:20:12 |
For the Onion News, |
| 01:20:16 |
Fuck you and good night. |
| 01:20:18 |
Subtitles by LeapinLar |
