Producers The

en
00:01:34 - Opening night
00:01:36 It's opening night
00:01:42 It's Max Bialystock's latest show
00:01:46 Will it flop or will it go?
00:01:48 The cast is taking its final bow
00:01:51 Here comes the audience now
00:01:54 The doors are open
00:01:57 Let's hear what they have to say
00:02:03 He's done it again
00:02:06 Max Bialystock has done it again
00:02:09 We can't believe it
00:02:12 You can't conceive it
00:02:15 How'd he achieve it?
00:02:18 It's the worst show in town
00:02:21 We sat there sighing
00:02:24 Groaning and crying
00:02:27 There's no denying
00:02:30 It's the worst show in town
00:02:33 Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss
00:02:36 We've seen shit
00:02:41 Max Bialystock has done it again
00:02:47 The songs were rotten
00:02:50 What he did to Shak espeare
00:02:53 We had this specially made up
00:02:59 We couldn't leave faster
00:03:05 What a disaster
00:03:08 We are still in shock
00:03:11 Who produced this schlock?
00:03:13 That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock
00:03:19 What a bum
00:03:31 Hello?
00:03:35 Mr. Bialystock?
00:03:45 Anybody here?
00:03:48 Mr. Bialystock?
00:03:51 Who are you?
00:03:54 What do you want?
00:03:56 Speak to me, dummy. Speak!
00:03:59 Why don't you speak?
00:04:01 Scared. Can't talk.
00:04:05 All right, I'm sorry.
00:04:07 I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold
00:04:09 Come on. Come on.
00:04:12 Come on, right this way.
00:04:16 Look, just...
00:04:19 Take a deep breath.
00:04:21 Let it out slowly.
00:04:26 - Who are you?
00:04:29 I'm an accountant.
00:04:31 ...and I've come to do your books.
00:04:35 - Who is it?
00:04:38 Hold Me- Touch Me.
00:04:41 Listen, I have to meet
00:04:44 Do me a big favour,
00:04:46 - But I don't have to go.
00:04:53 Be with you in a moment,
00:04:59 Hold Me- Touch Me.
00:05:03 Kiss Me- Feel Me,
00:05:05 ...Lick Me- Bite Me, Suck Me...
00:05:06 Here she is. Hold Me- Touch Me.
00:05:08 You know, it worked.
00:05:11 ...I didn't have any trouble at all...
00:05:19 Coming. Coming.
00:05:40 Hello, gorgeous.
00:05:42 - Hold me, touch me.
00:05:51 Did you bring the checkie?
00:05:53 Bialy can't produce plays
00:05:57 Here you go.
00:06:01 But first,
00:06:04 One dirty little game.
00:06:07 All right, my little sex kitten.
00:06:12 What shall we play?
00:06:13 The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
00:06:15 - Oh, no.
00:06:17 How about the Rabbi
00:06:20 You like that one, mama,
00:06:23 I know.
00:06:24 Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid
00:06:33 I don't think I have the strength.
00:06:35 - Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
00:06:42 Oh, dear...
00:06:44 ...this milk is so heavy.
00:06:50 You there, well-hung stableboy.
00:06:55 Won't you please help me?
00:07:01 Of course, my little dairy queen.
00:07:04 First I'll take your milk.
00:07:07 Then I shall take your virginity!
00:07:11 No! No! Never! Never!
00:07:15 Yes. Yes.
00:07:18 Give it to me, well-hung!
00:07:20 Darling, wait,
00:07:23 - Take it easy. Take it easy.
00:07:26 Send me to the moon, you animal.
00:07:30 Yes. Yes, my darling.
00:07:34 I'll send you to the moon Thursday.
00:07:38 But first, the checkie.
00:07:41 Where's the checkie?
00:07:45 Here you go.
00:07:49 I made it out, like you told me,
00:07:55 - Cash.
00:07:56 That's a funny name
00:07:59 Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.
00:08:02 I'll see you Thursday.
00:08:06 - Bye.
00:08:08 Yes, yes, yes.
00:08:16 You dirty old buzzard.
00:08:19 May I come out of the bathroom now,
00:08:23 - Yeah, sure.
00:08:25 ...feeling up the old lady.
00:08:28 Thank you, Mr. Tact.
00:08:31 - May I take your coat?
00:08:34 So you're an accountant, huh?
00:08:36 - Yes, sir. I am, sir.
00:08:38 Why are you looking up little
00:08:41 I know what you're thinking.
00:08:43 How dare you condemn me
00:08:46 - Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn...
00:08:48 I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
00:08:51 - Do you know who I used to be?
00:08:55 ...the king of Broadway.
00:08:59 - That's right.
00:09:03 And please don't take this
00:09:05 ...but you're not just a dirty old man.
00:09:08 Oh, you're also
00:09:11 And there's something about me
00:09:14 When I was a kid...
00:09:16 ...I had the good fortune
00:09:20 - Oh, Bialy-Hoos.
00:09:22 And I still have the ticket stub.
00:09:25 - Oh, look at that.
00:09:27 And ever since,
00:09:30 ...to be a Broadway producer.
00:09:33 A secret desire, huh?
00:09:35 - Kid, can I give you some advice?
00:09:39 Keep it a secret.
00:09:41 Top drawer, to the left.
00:09:51 Oh, my God.
00:09:53 Will you look at that.
00:09:54 That's it, baby!
00:10:01 Mr. Bialystock,
00:10:04 - A minute?
00:10:06 - Just one minute?
00:10:07 - Okay.
00:10:09 - Go! You have 58 seconds left.
00:10:13 - You're gonna time it?
00:10:15 I looked at your books and the
00:10:18 - And I can't make the figures work out.
00:10:21 - There's a problem with your figures.
00:10:25 - Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
00:10:27 - Fifteen seconds.
00:10:29 - I cannot function in these conditions.
00:10:33 You're making me
00:10:37 What is that, a handkerchief?
00:10:39 What? This? No, it's nothing.
00:10:42 Well, if it's nothing,
00:10:46 My blanket. My blue blanket!
00:10:50 Give me back my blue blanket!
00:10:53 Give me my blanket! Give it to me.
00:11:00 Give it to me! Give it to me!
00:11:02 Here, here, here.
00:11:05 Don't panic. Don't panic.
00:11:08 I...
00:11:10 I'm sorry.
00:11:11 It's just that I don't like anyone
00:11:14 It's not important,
00:11:18 I can deal with it if I want to.
00:11:20 But I've had it ever since I was a baby,
00:11:26 I need to lie down for a minute now.
00:11:33 They come here. They all come here.
00:11:35 How do they find me?
00:11:39 Hey, kid. Hey.
00:11:43 Look at this.
00:11:46 How can I help you?
00:11:47 - What's wrong?
00:11:50 - What?
00:11:52 I know you're gonna jump on me
00:11:55 - Oh, God.
00:11:57 I'm not gonna jump on you!
00:12:00 Get ahold of yourself!
00:12:03 Stop! Calm down!
00:12:05 Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
00:12:07 - What's the matter now?
00:12:11 I can't stop when I get like this.
00:12:15 I can see that.
00:12:18 I'm coming, I'm coming.
00:12:30 I'm wet!
00:12:32 I'm wet.
00:12:37 I'm in pain.
00:12:39 I'm in pain, I'm wet...
00:12:41 ...and I'm still hysterical.
00:12:45 All right, all right. What can I do?
00:12:48 Move away, you frighten me.
00:12:50 - You're too close.
00:12:51 Yes, get over there and stop
00:12:55 I'm sitting, I'm sitting.
00:12:57 You still look angry.
00:12:59 I'm sorry. How's this?
00:13:07 Who's my little accountant?
00:13:10 Who's my little accountant?
00:13:13 Are you my little accountant?
00:13:17 - Are you my little accountant?
00:13:19 Yes, you are.
00:13:22 Well, thank you for smiling.
00:13:25 Well, you know what they say:
00:13:27 "Smile and the world smiles
00:13:31 This man should be
00:13:34 - You feeling better?
00:13:36 - Good.
00:13:39 Yes, Prince Myshkin.
00:13:41 Well, this is hardly
00:13:45 I've discovered a serious error...
00:13:47 ...in the accounts of your last show,
00:13:50 - Where? What?
00:13:52 ...you raised $100,000.
00:13:58 There's 2000 unaccounted for.
00:13:59 I went to a Turkish bath.
00:14:02 The show was a flop.
00:14:04 ...move a few decimal points around.
00:14:08 You're part of a noble profession.
00:14:12 - That's cheating.
00:14:15 It's charity.
00:14:17 Bloom...
00:14:19 ...you see this stickpin?
00:14:20 This once held a pearl
00:14:23 I used to wear handmade
00:14:28 And look at me now.
00:14:29 Look at me now!
00:14:38 Bloom, you gotta save me.
00:14:41 I'm reaching out to you.
00:14:42 Don't send me to prison.
00:14:45 Help me.
00:14:53 All right. All right.
00:14:56 - Really?
00:14:57 See, $2000 isn't so much.
00:15:00 I'm sure I can hide it someplace.
00:15:02 After all, the IRS isn't interested
00:15:06 Right. Good thinking.
00:15:08 You figure it out.
00:15:12 Now, let's see.
00:15:13 Let's see, if we add up
00:15:17 Carry the three, divide by four...
00:15:21 Amazing.
00:15:24 It's absolutely amazing, but...
00:15:26 ...under the right circumstances...
00:15:28 ...a producer could
00:15:31 ...than he could with a hit.
00:15:33 Yes, it's quite possible. If he were
00:15:36 ...a man could make a fortune.
00:15:39 - Yes?
00:15:41 - What you were saying. Keep talking.
00:15:44 You were saying that a producer...
00:15:45 ...could make more money
00:15:48 Well, yes. It's quite possible.
00:15:50 You keep saying that,
00:15:52 Well, it's simply a matter
00:15:56 Let's assume for a moment
00:15:59 Assume away.
00:16:01 All right. When you produced
00:16:04 ...you raised $2000
00:16:07 But you could've raised a million...
00:16:09 ...put on your $100,000 flop
00:16:12 - But what if my show was a hit?
00:16:15 See, rather than 100 percent
00:16:17 ...you would've sold
00:16:19 So if the show's a success,
00:16:23 - Get it?
00:16:24 So in order for our scheme to work,
00:16:28 "Our scheme"? What scheme?
00:16:30 What scheme?
00:16:32 Your scheme,
00:16:35 I meant no scheme. I merely posed
00:16:38 - It was just a thought.
00:16:40 ...worlds are turned
00:16:44 Don't you see, Bloom?
00:16:47 It's so simple.
00:16:49 Step one,
00:16:51 Step two,
00:16:53 - Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.
00:16:56 Yes, one for me, one for you. There's
00:17:00 Step four, we hire the worst actors
00:17:03 And before you can say "step five,"
00:17:06 ...take our 2 million and go to Rio.
00:17:09 Rio? That'd never work.
00:17:11 Oh, ye of little faith.
00:17:15 What did Lewis say to Clark
00:17:19 What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
00:17:21 As they struggled
00:17:24 What did Washington say
00:17:26 As they crossed the Delaware?
00:17:28 I'm sure you're well aware
00:17:32 What'd they say?
00:17:33 We can do it
00:17:36 We can do it
00:17:38 We can do it
00:17:42 We can do it
00:17:44 We can do it
00:17:46 We can make our dreams come true
00:17:49 Everything you've ever wanted
00:17:52 Is just waiting to be had
00:17:56 Beautiful girls
00:17:59 Caressing you, undressing you
00:18:02 No.
00:18:05 Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.
00:18:07 Hear me out. Just think about it.
00:18:22 Stop!
00:18:23 We can do it
00:18:26 This is not the time to shirk
00:18:29 We can do it
00:18:32 Say goodbye to petty clerk
00:18:36 Hi, producer
00:18:39 I mean you, sir
00:18:42 We can do it
00:18:45 And I know it's gonna work
00:18:50 What do you say, Bloom?
00:18:52 What do I say?
00:18:54 Finally, a chance to be
00:18:57 What do I say?
00:18:59 Finally, a chance to mak e
00:19:02 What do I say?
00:19:05 Here's what I say to you, sir
00:19:10 I can't do it
00:19:13 I can't do it
00:19:17 I'm a loser
00:19:20 I'm a chick en
00:19:23 When it comes to wooing women
00:19:26 There's a few things that I lack
00:19:29 Beautiful girls
00:19:33 Chasing me, embracing me
00:19:36 Why, you miserable, cowardly,
00:19:42 Don't you ever wanna become
00:19:44 Don't you want to spread your wings
00:19:48 No!
00:19:54 - Where to?
00:19:55 Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.
00:20:04 - We can do it
00:20:07 You've got me wrong
00:20:09 I'm not as strong a person
00:20:11 Mr. Bialystock, just take a look
00:20:13 - Drink champagne, not ginger ale
00:20:17 - Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?
00:20:19 You see Rio, I see jail
00:20:23 Driver, stop.
00:20:28 Here.
00:20:35 - We can do it
00:20:38 - We can do it
00:20:41 - We can do it
00:20:43 - We can do it
00:20:44 - We can do it
00:20:47 'Cause I know it's gonna fail
00:20:54 Fail? How could it miss?
00:20:57 Bloom, you know what you are?
00:20:59 You're like a...
00:21:01 You're like a fountain waiting
00:21:05 - I'm a fountain?
00:21:08 Don't you realize? There's a lot more
00:21:13 Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
00:21:17 You've mistaken me
00:21:19 I'm going back
00:21:22 - Goodbye forever.
00:21:25 Think about it. You'll never get a cab
00:21:35 Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...
00:21:39 ...I want that money!
00:22:03 Unhappy
00:22:06 Very unhappy
00:22:09 Unhappy
00:22:12 Very, very, very, very, very
00:22:19 Bloom!
00:22:26 Where the hell have you been?
00:22:27 You are six minutes late.
00:22:30 ...not a country club.
00:22:33 - Yes, Mr. Marks.
00:22:37 A PA. A public accountant.
00:22:41 And I am a CPA.
00:22:47 A rank a miserable little worm like
00:22:52 Yes, Mr. Marks.
00:22:54 You're welcome.
00:22:56 What are you gawking at?
00:22:58 You never saw a person
00:23:00 Now, get back to work. All of you!
00:23:04 Unhappy
00:23:07 Very, very, very, very
00:23:20 I spend my life accounting
00:23:23 - With figures and such
00:23:26 To what is my life amounting?
00:23:29 - It figures, not much
00:23:33 I have a secret desire
00:23:39 It sets my heart afire
00:23:42 To see me in this role
00:23:56 I wanna be a producer
00:23:59 With a hit show on Broadway
00:24:03 I wanna be a producer
00:24:09 I want to be a producer
00:24:12 Sport a top hat and a cane
00:24:16 I wanna be a producer
00:24:40 I wanna be a producer
00:24:43 And sleep until half past 2
00:24:47 I wanna be a producer
00:24:53 Not you.
00:24:57 I wanna be a producer
00:25:00 Wear a tux on opening night
00:25:09 I wanna be a producer
00:25:12 And see my name, Leo Bloom
00:26:18 He wants to be a producer
00:26:21 Of a great big Broadway smash
00:26:24 He wants to be a producer
00:26:27 Every pock et stuffed with cash
00:26:31 He wants to be a producer
00:26:34 Pinch our cheeks till we cry
00:26:39 Yes.
00:26:40 He wants to be a producer
00:27:23 - I wanna be
00:27:24 - I wanna be
00:27:26 I wanna be the greatest, grandest
00:27:28 And most fabulous producer
00:27:33 He's gotta dine
00:27:38 I just got to be a producer
00:27:41 Drink champagne until I puk e
00:27:43 - Drink champagne till he puk es
00:27:47 Show the world just what I got
00:27:50 I'm gonna put on shows
00:27:54 Read my name in Winchell's column
00:27:58 I wanna be a producer
00:28:11 - 'Cause it's everything I'm not
00:28:18 Unhappy
00:28:19 - I wanna be a producer
00:28:25 - Unhappy
00:28:29 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
00:28:32 Hold everything!
00:28:34 What am I doing here?
00:28:38 There is a lot more to me
00:28:41 Stop the world, I wanna get on!
00:28:47 What the hell is going on in here?
00:28:49 Do I smell the revolting stench
00:28:54 Bloom,
00:28:57 You've already had
00:29:01 I'm not going into the toilet.
00:29:05 And, Mr. Marks,
00:29:09 And you were right about one thing,
00:29:12 - A certified public asshole!
00:29:15 Here's my visor...
00:29:16 ...my Dixon Ticonderoga
00:29:20 ...and my big finish!
00:29:22 I'm gonna be a producer
00:29:25 He's gonna be a producer
00:29:28 - Look out, Broadway
00:29:31 'Cause here I come
00:29:50 Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.
00:29:53 I'm back! I'm back.
00:29:57 Boy, you are good.
00:30:00 - Who are you talking to?
00:30:04 - What happened?
00:30:06 Just this: When I said that I was
00:30:10 ...I didn't realize
00:30:14 I've spent my life counting
00:30:17 People I'm smarter than...
00:30:19 ...better than.
00:30:21 When's Leopold Bloom
00:30:24 When's it gonna be Bloom's day?
00:30:31 I want everything
00:30:36 And, Leo, you're gonna have it.
00:30:39 - We can do it, we can do it
00:30:44 Say goodbye to woe and gloom
00:30:47 - With your brilliance, my resilience
00:30:50 - Up together we will zoom
00:30:53 - We can do it, we can do it
00:30:56 Every show I touch I doom
00:30:59 - We were fated
00:31:01 - To be mated
00:31:03 - We're Bialystock and Bloom
00:31:24 Oh, Max...
00:31:25 Oh, Max, let's give up.
00:31:29 - How many plays can a person read?
00:31:32 We have to find the worst play
00:31:34 - I've been reading all night.
00:31:36 You wanna be a producer, read,
00:31:42 Here's one.
00:31:43 Act I, scene one.
00:31:45 "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning
00:31:48 ...that he had been transformed
00:31:53 No, too good.
00:31:58 " But how could you see me?
00:32:02 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
00:32:06 I think I've read this one before.
00:32:10 The Frosted Glass.
00:32:12 Max, I'm reading plays
00:32:15 I can't go on anymore.
00:32:17 Let's face it, we'll never find it.
00:32:28 We'll never find it.
00:32:31 We'll never find it.
00:32:34 Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.
00:32:38 Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.
00:32:41 It's the mother lode.
00:32:42 - What is it? You found a flop?
00:32:44 That's putting it mildly.
00:32:46 This is a catastrophe.
00:32:48 A disaster certain to offend peoples
00:32:52 A guaranteed- to-close- in-one- night
00:32:56 - Well, let's see it.
00:33:01 "Springtime for Hitler...
00:33:03 ...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf
00:33:09 Oh, my God.
00:33:12 "Oh, my God" is right.
00:33:14 It's practically a love letter to Hitler.
00:33:17 - Max, this won't run a week.
00:33:20 This play has got to close
00:33:24 What's the author's name again?
00:33:25 " Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,
00:33:30 Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.
00:33:33 Let's go. We'll get the Broadway
00:33:37 ...even if we have to go so far
00:33:40 - Come on.
00:33:43 ...may I wear it?
00:33:45 - No, you may not.
00:33:47 Because that
00:33:51 You don't get to wear
00:33:54 ...until you're a Broadway producer.
00:33:56 And you're not
00:33:58 I know, I know. Until I've produced
00:34:01 But I'm going to wear that hat,
00:34:05 We're gonna be the producers
00:34:08 Of a great big Broadway flop
00:34:21 Ja, ja, my Lieblings.
00:34:25 Let me grab you here.
00:34:27 We have work to do.
00:34:29 Hilda, my darling. Here, I have
00:34:34 ...which must reach
00:34:38 29 West Santiago Boulevard...
00:34:42 ...Buenos Aires, Argentina.
00:34:44 AQAP.
00:34:46 As quick as possible.
00:34:49 Good.
00:34:51 Fly, Hilda. Fly!
00:34:55 Hilda, where are you going?
00:34:57 Argentina's that way!
00:35:00 Okay, chow time.
00:35:08 Yummy, yummy, yummy.
00:35:11 It's just a hunch,
00:35:14 Max, he's wearing a German helmet
00:35:18 Yeah, I know. Don't notice them.
00:35:21 Always look straight ahead.
00:35:26 Franz Liebkind?
00:35:28 I was never a member
00:35:31 I only followed orders.
00:35:33 I had nothing to do with the war.
00:35:36 I didn't even know
00:35:38 We lived in the back...
00:35:40 ...right across from Switzerland.
00:35:42 All we ever heard was yodelling.
00:35:51 - Who are you?!
00:35:53 Mr. Liebkind,
00:35:55 We're producers,
00:35:58 ...here to talk to you about your play.
00:36:01 You mean Springtime for...
00:36:04 ...you-know-who?
00:36:06 - What about it?
00:36:09 - We think it's a masterpiece.
00:36:12 Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.
00:36:16 Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.
00:36:19 - I must tell my birds.
00:36:21 Otto, Bertha, Heinz,
00:36:25 ...Adolf.
00:36:27 Do you hear?
00:36:29 We are finally going to clear
00:36:34 Broadway!
00:36:36 You know,
00:36:39 ...but the Führer was a terrific dancer.
00:36:43 - We didn't know that, did we, Leo?
00:36:47 That's because you were taken in
00:36:50 Filthy British lies!
00:36:54 But did they ever say a bad word
00:36:58 Churchill!
00:37:01 With his cigars, with his brandy
00:37:06 Rotten!
00:37:07 Hitler.
00:37:09 There was a painter.
00:37:11 He could paint an entire apartment
00:37:14 Two coats.
00:37:16 Yes. Yes.
00:37:18 Yes, of course he could,
00:37:21 And that is exactly why
00:37:23 Show the world the true Hitler.
00:37:27 ...the Hitler you knew,
00:37:30 Here, Franz Liebkind.
00:37:33 ...and make your dream a reality.
00:37:37 - No.
00:37:39 First you must prove to me
00:37:43 ...by joining with me and singing and
00:37:47 " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
00:37:50 I know.
00:37:52 - " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"?
00:37:54 No. I could never sing
00:37:56 Delighted. Delighted.
00:37:58 ...song.
00:38:00 All right. First you will roll up
00:38:06 - Rolling?
00:38:08 - Don't be stingy. Show some leg.
00:38:11 - Good.
00:38:12 - Key of E?
00:38:18 Guten Tag hop hop
00:38:22 Ach, du lieber
00:38:25 Guten Tag clap clap
00:38:29 Ach, du lieber
00:38:32 Oh, wir essen und fressen
00:38:36 Tanzen und trink en
00:38:40 - Everybody!
00:38:43 Guten Tag clop clop
00:38:44 Guten Tag
00:38:48 So we hop our hops
00:38:52 Und we drink our Schnaps
00:38:56 You will sway?
00:38:59 We will sway.
00:39:09 Follow me.
00:39:11 Very good.
00:39:29 Whatever you say.
00:39:31 This is a tricky one
00:39:49 Oh, the Hop-Clop.
00:39:57 Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
00:40:06 Gentlemen, you may
00:40:10 Excellent. Excellent.
00:40:12 Here we are. Here.
00:40:15 But only if you take
00:40:18 The Siegfried Oath?
00:40:20 A pledge of eternal allegiance
00:40:24 Never...
00:40:25 ...took that oath before.
00:40:27 One for me, one for you,
00:40:31 Never... Had one of those on before.
00:40:34 - You're welcome.
00:40:37 Oh, look, reversible.
00:40:38 - Oh, yeah, you're right.
00:40:41 Max, we never
00:40:44 I think we're getting in too deep.
00:40:46 Too deep? This is nothing.
00:40:48 I'll tell you when
00:40:51 All right.
00:40:52 First, you will raise
00:40:55 ...und repeat after me.
00:40:57 I solemnly swear...
00:41:00 - I solemnly swear...
00:41:03 ...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
00:41:06 ...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
00:41:10 - Und...
00:41:12 Und...
00:41:14 ...never, never, never...
00:41:16 ...never, never, never...
00:41:21 ...dishonour the spirit und the memory
00:41:27 ...dishonour the spirit und the...
00:41:30 - Elizabeth?
00:41:32 Ja, that was his middle name.
00:41:36 Not many people know this...
00:41:37 ...but the Führer was descended
00:41:48 Is that right?
00:41:51 Yes.
00:41:53 - Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
00:41:56 - Good. Now I sign your contract.
00:41:59 Here we are, sir.
00:42:03 There you are.
00:42:05 So thank you, Herr Liebkind.
00:42:08 Thank you.
00:42:13 Let it go. Let it go.
00:42:15 Halt!
00:42:17 I forgot to tell you.
00:42:20 The penalty for breaking
00:42:24 ...is dess.
00:42:26 " Dess"?
00:42:28 Is that anything like "death"?
00:42:30 Yeth.
00:42:33 Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...
00:42:35 ...we'll iron out all these
00:42:38 Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go...
00:42:44 We're trapped! Trapped!
00:42:47 Got it.
00:42:49 Let's have lunch.
00:42:54 What nice guys.
00:42:56 Broadway.
00:42:58 I haven't been so happy
00:43:05 Hello, the living room of
00:43:08 ...Roger DeBris' elegant
00:43:11 ...on a sunny Tuesday
00:43:14 Who may I say is calling?
00:43:17 Listen, you broken- down
00:43:20 ...he was drunk, he was hot,
00:43:22 - Don't ever call here again.
00:43:24 Wrong number.
00:43:35 Yes?
00:44:02 Well, hi there.
00:44:04 I'm Max Bialystock and this
00:44:08 We have an appointment
00:44:10 ...Roger DeBris.
00:44:13 - Please. Yes.
00:44:26 I am Carmen Ghia...
00:44:28 ...Mr. DeBris'
00:44:32 You are expected.
00:44:39 May I take your hat, your coat
00:44:45 Oh, these. We... We...
00:44:48 We just came from this big rally.
00:44:53 - You didn't tell me we had those on?
00:44:56 - You told me to look straight ahead.
00:45:05 Oh, Roger.
00:45:07 We're not alone.
00:45:20 Here's Roger.
00:45:29 - Max, he's wearing a dress.
00:45:33 Roger, good to see you again.
00:45:35 Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,
00:45:38 Forgive the pun.
00:45:42 - What pun?
00:45:44 Roger, may I say you look gorgeous.
00:45:50 By the way, Max, darling,
00:45:53 Worshipped it.
00:45:54 To be or not to be
00:45:57 - Showstopper!
00:46:00 Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom
00:46:03 - Well, I was...
00:46:05 I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.
00:46:09 - We always win.
00:46:13 I'm supposed to be
00:46:16 ...but I think I look more like
00:46:21 Well, as far as I'm concerned, without
00:46:25 Well, then,
00:46:28 ...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.
00:46:34 If your intention...
00:46:36 ...was to shoot an arrow
00:46:42 ...bull's- eye!
00:46:47 Oh, Roger, let's face it,
00:46:51 Listen, I know we sent it to you
00:46:54 ...but did you read
00:46:56 Read it? I devoured it.
00:46:58 And I find it remarkable.
00:47:01 I feel it is a very important piece,
00:47:05 I, for one, for instance,
00:47:08 ...meant Germany.
00:47:10 Yeah, how about that.
00:47:13 Do it? Of course not. It's not my
00:47:17 World War II?
00:47:21 The theatre's so obsessed
00:47:24 It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway
00:47:27 Shows should be more pretty
00:47:31 Shows should be more
00:47:32 What's the word?
00:47:35 - Gay?
00:47:38 No matter what you do on the stage
00:47:41 Keep it light, k eep it bright
00:47:45 Whether it's murder
00:47:49 Don't complain, it's a pain
00:47:53 People want laughter
00:47:56 The last thing they're after is
00:48:00 A happy ending
00:48:03 Oedipus won't bomb
00:48:05 If he winds up with Mom
00:48:07 - Keep it gay
00:48:09 - Keep it gay
00:48:11 Couldn't agree more.
00:48:13 And you have our blessings,
00:48:14 ...to make Springtime for Hitler just
00:48:18 So come on, do it for us. Please.
00:48:20 I'm sorry, Max.
00:48:23 Still, fair is fair.
00:48:26 I should ask my production team
00:48:28 Your production team,
00:48:30 You'll see. They all live here.
00:48:32 Guys! Come say hello
00:48:35 This is my set designer, Brian.
00:48:38 Hello.
00:48:39 Keep it mad, k eep it glad
00:48:42 - Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
00:48:46 Keep it happy, k eep it snappy
00:48:50 We're clever, creative
00:48:54 That everything's perfect
00:48:57 Scott, my choreographer.
00:48:59 Hi there.
00:49:17 And, finally, last and least...
00:49:19 ...my lighting designer,
00:49:25 Keep it gay
00:49:28 Keep it gay
00:49:35 Now, they all just read Springtime.
00:49:38 - It needs glamour
00:49:40 - It needs sequins
00:49:43 Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.
00:49:47 Go say something nice to Roger.
00:49:50 - But, Max...
00:49:59 Mr. DeBris. Roger.
00:50:02 Roger, actually,
00:50:06 Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.
00:50:08 Leo.
00:50:11 What is that enchanting
00:50:13 Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
00:50:15 You mean that smell is you?
00:50:18 Oh, God.
00:50:21 If I could bottle you, I'd shove you
00:50:36 Oh, Max.
00:50:38 - I think we're getting in too deep.
00:50:42 I'll tell you when
00:50:45 And so the rule is
00:50:47 When mounting a play
00:50:49 Keep it funny
00:50:51 Keep it gay
00:50:53 - What should we do?
00:50:57 Roger, l...
00:51:00 I think that Springtime for Hitler would
00:51:05 I mean, up to now,
00:51:08 Dare I say it? ...frivolous musicals.
00:51:10 You're right.
00:51:12 ...l've been throwing my life away
00:51:15 Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.
00:51:17 Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,
00:51:20 - Roger.
00:51:22 Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just
00:51:25 - Why not? Think of the respect.
00:51:27 - Think of the prestige.
00:51:29 Think of the Tony!
00:51:31 Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
00:51:35 - What's the matter?
00:51:37 - He's having a stroke.
00:51:38 - Of genius!
00:51:41 The chance
00:51:43 Roger DeBris presents
00:51:46 Of course that second act
00:51:48 They're losing the war? Excuse me,
00:51:52 Roger DeBris presents
00:51:55 But maybe...
00:51:57 It's a wild idea,
00:52:01 I
00:52:03 See
00:52:05 A line
00:52:09 Of beautiful girls
00:52:11 Dressed as storm troopers
00:52:14 With leather boots
00:52:17 - It's risqué, dare I say, S & M
00:52:21 I see German soldiers
00:52:23 Played by chorus boys
00:52:26 And wait, there's more
00:52:28 They'll win the war
00:52:29 And the dances they do
00:52:32 Turn, turn, kick, turn.
00:52:35 Keep it sassy, k eep it classy
00:52:38 That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
00:52:40 I speak for Mr. Bloom
00:52:42 ...when I say you are the only man
00:52:45 ...who could do justice to
00:52:47 - Will you do it, please?
00:52:49 Wait a minute.
00:52:52 It might affect the course of my life.
00:52:53 I shall have to think about it.
00:52:56 I'll do it
00:52:59 Sabu, champagne!
00:53:02 If at the end
00:53:05 Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
00:53:08 Whether it's Hamlet, Othello
00:53:11 Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
00:53:14 Comedy's joyous
00:53:17 Dramas annoy us
00:53:20 So k eep your Strindbergs
00:53:23 - I'll sign
00:53:25 - Sign
00:53:26 - Sign
00:53:28 Sign!
00:53:30 Roger Elizabeth DeBris.
00:53:32 Keep it gay
00:53:40 - Conga!
00:53:48 And so the rule is
00:53:50 When mounting a play
00:53:53 Keep it gay
00:53:55 Stop it.
00:53:56 Keep it gay
00:54:04 Exclusive Broadway rights
00:54:07 ...and a signed contract
00:54:10 We're in business.
00:54:14 And what a business.
00:54:16 In the same day,
00:54:18 ...and dancing the conga
00:54:22 ...and an extremely friendly
00:54:24 Yeah. Oh, well.
00:54:27 It's not easy
00:54:29 But together we'll make it.
00:54:33 ...and nothing or no one
00:54:35 Nothing or no one, Max.
00:54:38 - Come in.
00:54:41 Bialystock and Bloom?
00:54:47 - What?
00:54:53 Swedish.
00:54:54 Casting today?
00:54:56 - Cahstink? Cahstink?
00:54:59 - Casting!
00:55:01 No, no, no, miss.
00:55:03 We don't even know when
00:55:06 Yes, we just started
00:55:09 - We're casting?
00:55:13 If you don't mind,
00:55:15 ...l'd like to see somebody
00:55:24 What's your name, my dear?
00:55:25 My name is Ulla Inga...
00:55:27 ...Hansen Benson Yonsen
00:55:30 Wait. Wait.
00:55:33 That was my first name.
00:55:34 You wanna hear my last name?
00:55:36 We don't have the time.
00:55:40 Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?
00:55:43 - Ulla sing and dance.
00:55:45 - You want Ulla make audition?
00:55:48 - That won't be nece...
00:55:50 Extremely nece.
00:55:52 Please. Please make audition.
00:55:57 - What are you going to sing?
00:56:00 ...yesterday when I was stepping out
00:56:06 ...a crazy man
00:56:09 ...that inspired me to write this song.
00:56:17 When you got it
00:56:20 Flaunt it
00:56:22 Step right up and strut your stuff
00:56:26 People tell you modesty's a virtue
00:56:30 But in the theatre
00:56:34 When you got it
00:56:37 Flaunt it
00:56:39 Show your assets
00:56:43 Your goodies you must push
00:56:45 Stick your chest out
00:56:47 When you got it
00:56:52 Now Ulla dance.
00:57:08 When you got it
00:57:10 Show it
00:57:12 Put your hidden treasures
00:57:16 Violinists love to play an E string
00:57:20 But audiences really love a G-string
00:57:23 When you got it
00:57:25 Shout it
00:57:27 Let the whole world hear
00:57:31 Clothes may make the man
00:57:34 When you got it
00:57:39 - Remember when Ulla dance?
00:57:41 Ulla dance again.
00:57:42 Ulla dance again!
00:58:01 When I was just a little girl
00:58:05 My thoughtful mother
00:58:09 If nature blesses you
00:58:13 Show that top to bottom
00:58:16 Now Ulla belt.
00:58:18 Don't think twice!
00:58:22 When you got it
00:58:24 Share it
00:58:26 Let the public feast
00:58:30 People say that being prim
00:58:34 But every showgirl knows
00:58:37 When you got it
00:58:39 Give it
00:58:41 Don't be selfish
00:58:51 Don't be shy
00:58:52 Show the boys your birthday suit
00:58:54 When you got it
00:58:58 If you got it
00:59:02 Once you got it
00:59:05 Shout out
00:59:10 Hooray!
00:59:21 Okey- dokey.
00:59:22 You like it?
00:59:24 Like... Like it?
00:59:26 I want you to know, my dear,
00:59:30 ...we're giving you
00:59:38 She's in the show.
00:59:41 Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know
00:59:46 Would you excuse us, my dear?
00:59:49 Nonsense, Bloom.
00:59:51 Bloom,
00:59:53 There is always a part
00:59:55 But we don't even know
00:59:58 So what? So what?
01:00:02 So until she goes into the show,
01:00:05 Because we need...
01:00:11 Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous
01:00:15 But, Max, a secretary who doesn't
01:00:19 They'll say:
01:00:23 Offer her the job, please?
01:00:26 Just a moment, miss.
01:00:29 We might have a position for you.
01:00:31 As a matter of fact, we might
01:00:35 Until the show gets going...
01:00:37 ...we can offer you a job here
01:00:41 Secretary/receptionist?
01:00:44 Okey/dokey!
01:00:47 I can do that.
01:00:50 Answer telephone.
01:00:53 Bialystock and Bloom.
01:00:55 Bialystock and Bloom.
01:00:57 Smart as a whip.
01:00:58 You're hired!
01:01:05 Well... Well, all right. If he says so,
01:01:11 Secretary/receptionist.
01:01:13 And maybe you can tidy up
01:01:15 Tidy up? Tidy up.
01:01:17 Such a funny word.
01:01:20 - You know, clean.
01:01:23 - Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.
01:01:26 What time can you be here
01:01:28 Well, Ulla wake up every morning,
01:01:32 From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.
01:01:34 From to 7 to 8,
01:01:37 From to 8 to 9, Ulla like
01:01:42 Many different herrings.
01:01:44 From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice
01:01:47 And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.
01:01:51 What time should I get here?
01:01:54 - Eleven.
01:01:55 Good. Ulla will come at 11.
01:01:58 Ulla will come at 11.
01:02:09 God bless America!
01:02:14 God bless Sweden.
01:02:17 Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.
01:02:20 The most beautiful girl
01:02:23 I've never felt this way before.
01:02:25 It's like a volcano erupting
01:02:28 ...like hot lava rising higher
01:02:33 What is that, Max?
01:02:35 What is it?
01:02:39 It's called an erection.
01:02:43 But don't worry,
01:02:45 Come here,
01:02:49 - What do you see?
01:02:51 Exactly. But now that we've got
01:02:54 ...it's gonna be our job
01:02:58 Two million?
01:03:11 How much...?
01:03:15 Bloom...
01:03:17 ...the two cardinal rules
01:03:21 ...are one, never put
01:03:24 And two?
01:03:25 Never put your own money
01:03:32 - Get it?
01:03:34 - Good.
01:03:36 How? I'll tell you how.
01:03:40 From my investors.
01:03:41 Hundreds of little old ladies...
01:03:43 ...all looking to Max Bialystock for one
01:03:48 So in the days to come, Bloom,
01:03:52 And right now,
01:03:55 Scram while I get myself ready.
01:03:57 For Max Bialystock
01:04:01 ...into little- old-lady land.
01:04:04 The time has come
01:04:07 To be a lover from the Argentine
01:04:12 To slick my hair down
01:04:16 And gargle heavily
00:00:10 It's time for Max
00:00:13 To put his back ers on their backs
00:00:18 And thrill them with amazing acts
00:00:24 Those aging nymphomaniacs
00:00:36 They were helpless
00:00:39 Then along came Bialy
00:00:43 They were joyless
00:00:47 Then along came Bialy
00:00:50 They're my angels
00:00:54 And I k eep those embers aglow
00:00:57 When I woos 'em
00:01:01 'Cause I cast my spell
00:01:03 "Fire down below!"
00:01:05 So romantic
00:01:08 Then their prayers were heard
00:01:12 Heaven sent them
00:01:14 Their Bialy
00:01:16 I'm the celebration of love
00:01:29 Who is it? Who is it?
00:01:32 It's Max Bialystock.
00:01:38 Maxy.
00:02:54 Fire down below!
00:02:56 We were listing
00:02:59 Then along came Bialy
00:03:02 We were desperate
00:03:05 - Then along came Bialy
00:03:09 So romantic
00:03:12 Then our prayers were heard
00:03:15 It's Bialy
00:03:17 Hey, Bialy
00:03:18 He's the culmination
00:03:20 The restoration
00:03:22 The consummation
00:03:24 The titillation
00:03:25 Ejaculation
00:03:27 He's the celebration of love
00:03:47 Thank you.
00:04:00 Bloom! Bloom!
00:04:02 What, Max? What?
00:04:04 I've done it. I've done it,
00:04:07 Now all we have to do is put on
00:04:10 That's great!
00:04:22 We can't miss
00:04:44 I gotta make the next payment
00:04:47 Sorry, wrong office.
00:04:48 Bialystock. Bloom.
00:04:51 Max. Leo.
00:05:07 - Ulla?
00:05:10 What happened to the office?
00:05:12 Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."
00:05:15 Tidy "oop"?
00:05:17 How did you find the time
00:05:19 - I skip lunch.
00:05:23 - Very nice.
00:05:26 Almost 3.
00:05:27 I'll get the cash from the safe.
00:05:29 You make sure
00:05:31 Yes, Max.
00:05:34 She painted over the numbers.
00:05:50 Hello, boys.
00:05:54 Nobody knows
00:05:57 Ulla knows.
00:05:58 You had to shtupp
00:06:04 That's right. That's right.
00:06:07 And I've still got
00:06:11 Work, work, work. Work, work, work.
00:06:16 So, Mr. Bloom.
00:06:21 We are all alone.
00:06:24 Yes, we are, aren't we?
00:06:32 Why Bloom go so far camera right?
00:06:36 Bloom no like Ulla?
00:06:39 Ulla like Bloom.
00:06:42 Bloom like Ulla, all right.
00:06:44 - Maybe a little too much.
00:06:47 I'm glad.
00:06:51 Why Bloom need blue blanket?
00:06:53 Oh, it's not important.
00:06:55 It's just a minor compulsion.
00:06:57 I've had it ever since
00:07:00 You're a little too close.
00:07:04 The urge to merge
00:07:09 The need to breed
00:07:14 We must be on alert
00:07:18 For every skirt will test
00:07:23 Testosterone
00:07:26 So knowing this
00:07:30 With any creature
00:07:33 I was firmly headed
00:07:38 When suddenly I stumbled on
00:07:42 That face
00:07:47 That face
00:07:49 That dangerous face
00:07:51 I mustn't be unwise
00:07:56 Those lips
00:07:58 Those eyes
00:08:00 Could lead to my demise
00:08:04 That face
00:08:06 That marvellous face
00:08:09 I never should begin
00:08:13 Those cheeks
00:08:15 That chin
00:08:17 Will surely do me in
00:08:21 I must be smart
00:08:24 If she's within a mile
00:08:26 If I don't duck
00:08:29 She'd kill me with her smile
00:08:39 That face
00:08:41 That fabulous face
00:08:43 It's clear I must beware
00:08:47 I'm certain if I fall in love
00:08:50 I'm lost without a trace
00:08:52 But it's worth it
00:08:53 For that face
00:08:57 Bloom help Ulla down?
00:09:00 All right. Bloom help Ulla down.
00:11:24 That face
00:11:26 That face
00:11:28 That lovable face
00:11:34 It melts my Swedish heart
00:11:41 I'm certain if I fall in love
00:11:45 I'm lost without a trace
00:11:51 But it's worth it
00:11:54 For that face
00:12:21 Again! Arabesque, prepare...
00:12:24 ...pirouette and twirl.
00:12:26 And goose step, goose step...
00:12:28 ...waltz-clog and kick. Again!
00:12:30 Arabesque, prepare,
00:12:33 And goose step, goose step,
00:12:38 Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!
00:12:41 - Halt!
00:12:42 - Halt!
00:12:45 - This is bedlam! Bedlam!
00:12:51 Shut up!
00:12:53 We must have some order here.
00:12:55 Will all the dancing Hitlers
00:12:58 ...and all the singing Hitlers
00:13:02 Get that way.
00:13:04 Carmen,
00:13:07 Yes, darling... Roger.
00:13:18 "Jacques LaPidus."
00:13:24 "Jacques LaPidus."
00:13:29 "Jack Lapidus."
00:13:32 Well, Jack, what are you
00:13:35 I would like to sing
00:13:40 If you must.
00:13:46 A wandering minstrel I
00:13:50 A thing of shreds and
00:13:52 - Thank you!
00:13:53 Next, please.
00:13:56 " Donald Dinsmore."
00:13:58 Well, Donald, if we...
00:14:02 Well, Donald, l...
00:14:04 - Hi, how are you?
00:14:06 Hello. Yes.
00:14:07 Now, what are you
00:14:09 I'd like to sing
00:14:16 Thank you.
00:14:26 Next!
00:14:29 "Jason Green."
00:14:33 Well, Jason,
00:14:36 For the last 16 years, I have been
00:14:40 - You played Nietzsche?
00:14:43 What are you gonna sing for us?
00:14:44 " Have You Ever Heard
00:14:47 - No.
00:14:49 ...I am going to sing.
00:14:53 Play it, please.
00:14:58 Speed it up.
00:14:59 Haben Sie gehört
00:15:05 Mit a bang
00:15:06 Mit a boom
00:15:08 Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
00:15:11 Oh, haben Sie gehört...
00:15:13 Halt! Halt!
00:15:16 Halt! No, no, no.
00:15:19 This man could never play
00:15:22 The Führer wasn't
00:15:25 The Führer was butch!
00:15:26 And that is not how you sing...
00:15:28 ..." Haben Sie gehört
00:15:30 This is how you sing " Haben Sie
00:15:33 B-flat. Two-two time!
00:15:35 Modulate at the bridge!
00:15:40 Haben Sie gehört
00:15:44 Mit a bang
00:15:46 Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
00:15:48 Oh, haben Sie gehört
00:15:52 Mit a bang
00:15:54 Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
00:15:56 Russian folk songs
00:16:00 Can't compare
00:16:03 We're saying
00:16:05 Haben Sie gehört
00:16:08 Mit a zetz
00:16:10 Mit a zing
00:16:12 Polish polkas
00:16:16 It don't mean a thing
00:16:19 Schweigen-reigen-schone-
00:16:25 Key change!
00:16:28 We're saying
00:16:32 Haben Sie gehört
00:16:37 Mit a zetz
00:16:39 Mit a zing
00:16:40 It's the only kind of music
00:16:42 That we Hans und our honeys
00:16:47 That's our Hitler!
00:16:58 Have your tickets ready.
00:17:01 This way, please.
00:17:04 Take your seats.
00:17:10 Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.
00:17:12 - Enjoy the show.
00:17:21 - Oh, Mr. Bloom.
00:17:22 - You look so handsome.
00:17:26 Leo!
00:17:30 Leo, who said
00:17:33 Nobody, Max. But I thought now that
00:17:36 - Has the curtain gone up yet?
00:17:38 - Has the curtain come down yet?
00:17:40 Then you're not a producer yet.
00:17:43 Mr. Bloom! Leo.
00:17:45 Your tie is all askew.
00:17:48 Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.
00:17:50 Have a good show.
00:17:59 Roll them in the aisles.
00:18:01 Okey- dokey.
00:18:02 I will try to.
00:18:04 But there's just so many of them.
00:18:10 Gee, I thought we were partners,
00:18:13 Now I'm out in the cold, and you two
00:18:16 Askewing? Never, Max.
00:18:18 Hugs and kisses, yes,
00:18:30 Gunter, you will pick me up back here
00:18:37 Oh, God, will they love us?
00:18:40 The suspense is killing me.
00:18:41 I know.
00:18:47 Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom.
00:18:52 And I just wanna
00:18:55 - What? What did you say?
00:18:59 Well, what's the matter?
00:19:01 - He said it again.
00:19:04 It's bad luck to say "good luck"
00:19:07 If you do
00:19:10 It is certain by the curtain
00:19:12 Good luck.
00:19:13 It's bad luck to say "good luck"
00:19:16 Once it's said
00:19:19 You will get the worst reviews
00:19:21 Good luck.
00:19:22 Even at the Comédie Française
00:19:24 On the opening night
00:19:27 "Bonne chance, mes amis"
00:19:30 - The only word you'll ever hear is
00:19:33 Good luck, good luck, good luck.
00:19:34 It's verboten
00:19:37 Take advice
00:19:40 Or your show will surely end up
00:19:43 At the famous La Scala in Milan
00:19:46 On opening night it's a rule
00:19:48 "Al bocca lupo," they say with élan
00:19:51 And just for luck they all shout
00:19:53 - "Vaffanculo"
00:19:54 Now I'll never say "good luck"
00:19:57 That's the rule
00:20:01 What do I say, I beg?
00:20:03 What you say is "break a leg"
00:20:08 - Break a leg?
00:20:10 - Break a leg.
00:20:11 If you're clever
00:20:14 Good luck.
00:20:15 You'll endeav our
00:20:17 To never, never, never, never
00:20:21 On opening night
00:20:24 Five minutes to curtain.
00:20:27 I'm late. I must run!
00:20:30 - Break a leg!
00:20:48 Franz, what happened?
00:20:49 I broke my leg.
00:20:53 Now we'll have to cancel the show
00:20:57 Money back?
00:20:58 Money back?
00:20:59 Money back.
00:21:01 Don't ever say that again.
00:21:03 Never.
00:21:05 But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
00:21:08 You're right. What are we gonna do?
00:21:11 If I could only think of something.
00:21:14 Hold it. I got it.
00:21:17 You know every line in the show.
00:21:19 I've seen you at rehearsal, always
00:21:23 It's an embarrassing habit.
00:21:25 But me play Hitler? No!
00:21:28 I don't have the strength.
00:21:30 I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!
00:21:33 - Wow, that hurt.
00:21:35 Listen to me.
00:21:37 You can do it.
00:21:38 You know you can do it,
00:21:40 You've been waiting all your lifetime
00:21:43 And I'm not gonna let you
00:21:46 You're going out there a silly,
00:21:51 But you're coming back
00:21:54 ...passing-for-straight
00:21:59 All right. You're right.
00:22:01 I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!
00:22:03 I've got to get into makeup.
00:22:06 And, oh! My lucky
00:22:11 Got it!
00:22:17 Leo, the overture.
00:22:19 Let's go.
00:22:34 - Max.
00:22:37 This is it!
00:22:40 - Good luck, Leo.
00:22:56 Germany was having trouble
00:23:00 Needed a new leader
00:23:03 Where, oh, where was he?
00:23:06 Where could that man be?
00:23:10 We look ed around
00:23:12 And then we found
00:23:14 The man for you and me
00:23:30 And now it's
00:23:36 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:23:43 Deutschland is happy and gay
00:23:50 We're marching to a faster pace
00:23:56 Look out
00:24:02 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:24:09 Rhineland's a fine land once more
00:24:15 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:24:21 Watch out, Europe
00:24:23 We're going on tour
00:24:28 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:24:34 Look, it's springtime
00:24:35 Winter for Poland and France
00:24:41 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:24:46 Springtime
00:24:48 Springtime
00:24:50 Springtime
00:24:51 Springtime
00:24:54 Come on, Germans
00:24:56 Go into your dance
00:25:06 I was born in Düsseldorf
00:25:11 Don't be stupid, be a smarty
00:25:25 Well, I never!
00:25:32 Come on, let's get out of here
00:25:54 The Führer is coming
00:25:56 The Führer is coming
00:25:57 The Führer is coming
00:26:01 - Heil Hitler
00:26:05 Heil Hitler
00:26:07 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:26:19 Heil Hitler
00:26:27 Heil myself
00:26:31 Heil to me
00:26:35 I'm the Kraut who's out
00:26:37 To change our history
00:26:40 Heil myself
00:26:43 There's no greater dictator
00:26:47 - Everything I do, I do for you
00:26:50 If you're looking for a war
00:26:53 Heil myself
00:26:56 Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
00:26:59 Hooray
00:27:01 Heil myself
00:27:05 Heil myself
00:27:06 Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
00:27:09 Stand and cheer
00:27:10 He's so cute
00:27:14 Heil myself
00:27:22 I love you.
00:27:34 I was just a paperhanger
00:27:38 No one more obscurer
00:27:42 Got a phone call from the Reichstag
00:27:44 Told me I was Führer
00:27:48 Germany was blue
00:27:49 Oh, what, oh, what to do?
00:27:53 Hitched up my pants
00:27:55 And conquered France
00:27:57 Now Deutschland's smiling through
00:28:04 Oh, it ain't no mystery
00:28:07 If it's politics or history
00:28:09 The thing you gotta know is
00:28:12 Everything is show biz
00:28:18 Heil myself
00:28:21 Watch my show
00:28:23 I'm the German Ethel Merman
00:28:26 We are crossing borders
00:28:28 The New World Order is here
00:28:33 Make a great big smile
00:28:34 Everyone "Sieg Heil" to me
00:28:39 Wonderful me
00:28:45 And now it's springtime
00:28:49 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:28:55 - Goose step
00:29:03 Bombs falling from the skies again
00:29:10 Deutschland is on the rise again
00:29:21 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:29:29 U- boats are sailing once more
00:29:36 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:29:44 - Means that
00:29:46 - We've got to be going
00:29:50 You bet we'll be going
00:29:52 You know we'll be going
00:29:55 To war
00:30:16 Roger!
00:31:05 "A satiric masterpiece."
00:31:07 No way out.
00:31:10 "A surprise smash."
00:31:12 No way out.
00:31:14 " It was shocking,
00:31:17 ...and I loved every minute of it."
00:31:19 No way out!
00:31:20 How could this happen?
00:31:22 We picked the wrong play,
00:31:27 Where did we go right?
00:31:30 " Congratulations."
00:31:43 - What are you doing?
00:31:45 ...and I'm leaving.
00:31:47 Don't try and stop me.
00:31:50 Wait. Where do you think
00:31:52 I'm turning myself in.
00:31:54 I'm going to play ball with the IRS.
00:31:55 I'm going to cooperate
00:31:57 They'll reduce my sentence,
00:32:00 Maybe I'll get a job
00:32:02 Please keep in touch.
00:32:06 Leo. Leo. Leo.
00:32:10 Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.
00:32:12 Take it easy, all right?
00:32:14 You're overwrought.
00:32:16 You're acting out of panic.
00:32:18 Give me those frigging books!
00:32:20 - Give me! Give me! Give me!
00:32:25 I was an honest man
00:32:27 An honest man?
00:32:30 - Give me. Give me.
00:32:33 Double! Double! Double!
00:32:45 Fat! Fat!
00:32:48 I'm not that fat.
00:32:50 Fat!
00:32:54 Fat!
00:32:56 Fatty!
00:32:58 Fatso!
00:33:02 Give me the fat books!
00:33:03 - Never, never!
00:33:07 - Oh, Jesus!
00:33:09 Give me the books!
00:33:10 - Congratulations!
00:33:12 - Give it to me! Give it to me!
00:33:14 - Give it to me! Give it to me!
00:33:17 Now, that's what I call celebrating.
00:33:20 You. You lousy fruit.
00:33:23 - You ruined me.
00:33:25 After he stepped in and saved
00:33:29 - Leave him alone!
00:33:36 You have broken the Siegfried Oath.
00:33:38 You must die. You all must die!
00:33:47 What are you doing,
00:33:50 - Your show's a hit.
00:33:53 You made a fool out of Hitler.
00:33:55 - He didn't need our help.
00:34:00 Stand still! How can I shoot you
00:34:04 Get back here!
00:34:06 Under the desk! Under the desk!
00:34:08 - Darling, quick, back in the closet.
00:34:16 This is no good.
00:34:18 I'm not killing anybody.
00:34:20 You must cooperate!
00:34:25 All right, Bialystock und Bloom.
00:34:28 Now I got you.
00:34:30 Say your prayers!
00:34:32 Remember I'd tell you
00:34:34 - Yeah?
00:34:37 Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!
00:34:39 Oh, no, no.
00:34:44 You snivelling cowards!
00:34:46 Cringing under a desk?
00:34:48 Clinging to life like baby butterflies.
00:34:52 Franz Liebkind will show you
00:35:03 Jammed.
00:35:08 That's it. Next time, no author.
00:35:13 What are you shooting
00:35:15 You Teutonic twit!
00:35:18 Wait. Wait a minute.
00:35:20 I just got an idea.
00:35:22 A way to close the show.
00:35:24 Franz, l...
00:35:28 - There, there.
00:35:33 Franz, listen to me.
00:35:35 Why don't you use this
00:35:37 - Why don't you shoot the actors.
00:35:40 Yes, the actors.
00:35:41 Everybody laughed at your
00:35:45 Because of the actors.
00:35:47 Yeah, you're right, the actors!
00:35:49 Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.
00:35:52 - Kill. Kill all the actors.
00:35:56 Wait a minute!
00:35:59 What are you talking about?
00:36:01 What do you mean, "kill the actors"?
00:36:04 Actors are not animals.
00:36:06 They are?
00:36:08 - Here. Listen...
00:36:11 - The police!
00:36:14 Come on, boys.
00:36:16 I was never a member
00:36:18 You, drop that gun.
00:36:21 - Ociffers!
00:36:23 This crazy Kraut is crackers!
00:36:24 He crashed in here
00:36:27 - Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
00:36:31 Okay, youse two can go.
00:36:34 - Thank you.
00:36:37 Tried to kill him, eh?
00:36:40 Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.
00:36:42 Next stop, Sing Sing.
00:36:43 Sing Sing?
00:36:53 - What happened?
00:37:03 All right, who are you,
00:37:06 I haven't the slightest idea,
00:37:10 The name is O'Bialystock.
00:37:13 I was just passing by on me way
00:37:17 ...and I ducked in to see
00:37:21 And now I'll be on me way,
00:37:28 As we say in the old country, "Taxi!"
00:37:31 Hold it!
00:37:32 Hey, sarge, look at this.
00:37:34 - What?
00:37:36 - This one says, "Show to the IRS."
00:37:41 " Never show to the IRS."
00:37:44 I think the three of you
00:37:47 - Three?
00:37:58 Mr. Bialystock?
00:38:01 Mr. Bloom?
00:38:03 Where are you?
00:38:06 Everyone is waiting for you
00:38:10 Ulla, help me.
00:38:18 What happened to you?
00:38:22 I know.
00:38:23 You hung up your coat
00:38:38 Thank you for helping me down.
00:38:49 What were you doing up there?
00:38:51 Hiding.
00:38:52 I was hiding.
00:38:53 From who? From what?
00:38:56 From the police.
00:38:57 They were just here.
00:39:00 - They found the books?
00:39:03 Poor Max.
00:39:04 Maybe I should turn myself in
00:39:07 Well, my sweet cupcake,
00:39:11 ...but it seems to me
00:39:16 Number one, you can go to jail
00:39:20 ...for years and years and years.
00:39:24 Or number two...
00:39:27 ...you can take that 2 million dollars
00:39:32 Oh, my God, what a dilemma.
00:39:37 Oh, what should I do?
00:39:39 Should I go to jail or go to Rio?
00:39:45 Mail call.
00:39:48 Hey, fatso.
00:39:51 I'm not that fat!
00:39:53 Says you.
00:39:55 You got a postcard.
00:39:58 A postcard? From where?
00:40:00 Brazil.
00:40:02 Brazil.
00:40:05 Who do I know in Brazil?
00:40:08 Why am I asking you?
00:40:15 " Dear Max, Rio is everything
00:40:20 Ulla and I think of you
00:40:27 In the morning, when we
00:40:30 ... many different herrings.
00:40:33 In the afternoon, when we rub
00:40:37 ... with banana-cream coconut oil,
00:40:44 And then, in the evening, when
00:40:49 You'll find your happiness in Rio
00:40:52 The beaches there
00:40:56 The tropic breezes
00:40:59 And so, we hear
00:41:03 "Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting.
00:41:06 It's almost 11.
00:41:11 Wish you were here.
00:41:13 Your pal, Leo."
00:41:19 Just like Cain and Abel
00:41:21 You pulled a sneak attack
00:41:23 I thought that we were brothers
00:41:26 Then you stabbed me in the back
00:41:29 Betrayed
00:41:33 Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed
00:41:37 Like Samson and Delilah
00:41:40 I'm crying in the hoosegow
00:41:43 Betrayed
00:41:45 Let's face it, I'm betrayed
00:41:49 Boy, have I been tak en
00:41:55 Oy, I'm so forsak en
00:41:59 I should have seen
00:42:00 I should have known
00:42:02 I feel like Othello
00:42:05 Leo is lago
00:42:06 Max is double-crossed
00:42:07 I'm so dismayed
00:42:09 Did I mention I'm betrayed?
00:42:11 Now I'm about to go to jail
00:42:14 I have no one who I can cry to
00:42:19 I'm drowning!
00:42:21 I'm drowning!
00:42:22 I'm drowning here!
00:42:24 I'm going down for the last time.
00:42:28 I can see my whole life
00:42:33 I see a weathered old farmhouse
00:42:39 I'm running through fields
00:42:43 No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.
00:42:48 And I see my mother.
00:42:50 I see Mama standing
00:42:54 ...in a worn but clean
00:42:57 And I hear my mama
00:43:00 Alvin!
00:43:02 Don't forget your chores.
00:43:04 The wood needs a-cording
00:43:07 Alvin! Alvin!
00:43:11 Wait a minute.
00:43:12 My name's not Alvin.
00:43:15 That's not my life.
00:43:17 Somebody else's life
00:43:22 What the hell is that about?
00:43:26 I'm not a hillbilly.
00:43:29 Leo's taken everything,
00:43:33 My past's a dying ember
00:43:39 But wait, now I remember
00:43:43 How did it begin?
00:43:46 With his cockamamie scheme
00:43:47 You can make more money
00:43:50 We can do it
00:43:52 I can't do it
00:43:54 I can't do it
00:43:57 Lord, I want that money
00:44:00 Come on, Leo, we can do it
00:44:01 Step one, find the play
00:44:03 See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
00:44:06 Guten Tag hop hop
00:44:08 Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
00:44:09 Guten Tag hop hop
00:44:11 Step two, hire the director
00:44:14 Two, three, kick,
00:44:17 Ulla
00:44:19 Step three, raise the money
00:44:21 Along came Bialy
00:44:23 Step four, hire all the actors
00:44:26 A wandering minstrel I
00:44:28 Next
00:44:30 Next
00:44:32 Break a leg
00:44:35 Springtime for Hitler and Germany
00:44:37 A surprise smash
00:44:40 It'll run for years!
00:44:42 Where did we go right?
00:44:44 Give me those books
00:44:46 Give me those books
00:44:48 Books, fat, books, fat
00:44:51 Lousy fruit
00:44:52 You ever eat with one?
00:44:54 Then you ran to Rio
00:44:57 I'm behind these bars
00:44:58 You're banging Ulla on the beach
00:45:03 Just like Julius Caesar
00:45:07 Was betrayed by Brutus
00:45:09 Who'd think an accountant
00:45:13 I'm so dismayed
00:45:15 Is this how I'm repaid?
00:45:19 To be
00:45:21 Betrayed
00:45:29 Betrayed
00:45:33 Gentlemen of the jury,
00:45:37 Yes, Your Honour, we have.
00:45:40 We find the defendant...
00:45:43 ...incredibly guilty.
00:45:48 Hold me, touch me.
00:45:51 I'm a little busy.
00:45:54 Does the defendant have
00:45:59 Yes, Your Honour, I do.
00:46:02 I admit, for the last 20 years
00:46:07 ...two-faced, backstabbing,
00:46:10 But I had no choice.
00:46:13 I was a Broadway producer.
00:46:17 A man without a conscience...
00:46:19 ...and with no one
00:46:21 And that, Your Honour,
00:46:24 I thought I'd at last
00:46:29 A man I cared about...
00:46:31 ...and who I thought
00:46:34 What breaks my heart is now...
00:46:35 ...when I need him most,
00:46:38 I will probably never see
00:46:40 That's not true!
00:46:46 Order! Order in the court!
00:46:48 And stop that samba!
00:46:52 - Who are you?
00:46:55 ...Max Bialystock's partner.
00:46:58 And who are you, my dear?
00:47:00 My name is
00:47:04 ...Yonsen Tallen- Hallen
00:47:09 Bloom?
00:47:11 - You're his wife?
00:47:13 He wouldn't do it
00:47:17 What a schmuck.
00:47:20 Now, Mr. Bloom,
00:47:23 ...want to come back here
00:47:25 Why? To speak on his behalf.
00:47:29 We all know that Max Bialystock
00:47:34 ...two-faced, slimy,
00:47:38 Please...
00:47:40 ...don't help me.
00:47:44 Your Honour... Your honour,
00:47:48 The law was created to protect
00:47:53 So whom has
00:47:57 - Well, not these dear ladies.
00:48:00 And not me, not...
00:48:03 Not me.
00:48:05 I was this nobody.
00:48:07 No one ever called me "Leo" before.
00:48:10 I mean, Your Honour,
00:48:14 ...but even when I was in kindergarten
00:48:18 I guess what I'm trying to say
00:48:22 ...and had everything
00:48:30 ...I suddenly realized that...
00:48:32 That this man...
00:48:35 This man...
00:48:38 No one ever made me
00:48:41 Till him
00:48:46 Life was really nothing
00:48:49 Till him
00:48:53 My existence bordered on the tragic
00:48:57 Always timid
00:49:01 Then I felt his magic
00:49:03 And my heart began to dance
00:49:09 I was always frightened
00:49:13 Till him
00:49:17 I was going nowhere in a hurry
00:49:21 Till him
00:49:25 He filled up my empty life
00:49:30 Filled it to the brim
00:49:35 There could never
00:49:42 Like him
00:49:51 Leo...
00:49:59 Leo...
00:50:01 ...I never realized.
00:50:04 - You're a good singer.
00:50:08 - No, really, like a professional.
00:50:12 I sang it because I'm your friend.
00:50:16 You are?
00:50:19 I've had a lot of relationships...
00:50:22 ...but you couldn't call
00:50:24 But come to think of it...
00:50:26 ...no one ever, ever really knew me.
00:50:30 Till him
00:50:35 Everyone was always out
00:50:39 Till him
00:50:44 Never met a man I ever trusted
00:50:48 Always dealt with shysters
00:50:53 Now I'm well-adjusted
00:50:55 'Cause I've got a friend at last
00:51:05 Don't help me.
00:51:07 Always playing singles
00:51:11 Till him
00:51:28 Never had a pal
00:51:32 Till him
00:51:37 He filled up my empty life
00:51:42 - Filled it to the brim
00:51:48 There could never ever be
00:51:50 Another one
00:51:58 Like him
00:52:13 Gentlemen, it breaks my heart...
00:52:15 ...to break up
00:52:17 So I won't.
00:52:19 Five years in the state penitentiary
00:52:24 Gotta sing, sing
00:52:27 Gotta sing, sing
00:52:31 Oh, you can lock us up
00:52:33 Und lose the k ey
00:52:35 But hearts in love
00:52:37 Are always free
00:52:38 Come on, boys.
00:52:39 Prisoners of love
00:52:41 Blue skies above
00:52:43 'Cause we're still prisoners of love
00:52:46 Congratulations.
00:52:50 You now own 45 percent...
00:52:55 ...of Prisoners of Love. Next!
00:52:57 - How much have you sold so far?
00:53:00 Is that all? Keep selling.
00:53:04 All right, break it up! Break it up!
00:53:08 How many times do
00:53:10 No knife fights in rehearsal.
00:53:15 Hi. What are you in for,
00:53:17 Get in line.
00:53:20 All right, you animals,
00:53:22 From the top! Hit it, Franz!
00:53:26 Prisoners of love
00:53:28 Blue skies above
00:53:30 - Can't k eep our hearts in jail
00:53:34 - Prisoners of love
00:53:35 - Our turtledoves
00:53:38 Hey, you.
00:53:40 The warden wants to get in
00:53:46 Tell the warden he now owns
00:53:49 - Thank you.
00:53:52 Let them hear you in solitary.
00:53:53 Take it home, boys.
00:53:55 We open in Leavenworth
00:53:59 Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind,
00:54:03 This just came from the governor.
00:54:04 "Gentlemen, you are hereby
00:54:07 ...for having, through song and dance,
00:54:10 ...into the hearts of every murderer,
00:54:14 - You're free!
00:54:16 Next stop, Prisoners of Love
00:54:19 - Broadway!
00:54:24 But hearts in love
00:54:34 Gotta sing, sing
00:54:38 Sing, sing
00:54:42 Prisoners of love
00:54:45 - Can't k eep our hearts in jail
00:54:49 Prisoners of love
00:54:51 - Our turtledoves
00:54:54 - Tote that bale
00:54:57 And lose the k ey
00:54:59 But hearts in love
00:55:03 Prisoners of love
00:55:05 Blue skies above
00:55:07 'Cause we're still prisoners
00:55:09 We're still prisoners
00:55:10 We're still prisoners of love
00:55:13 - Love, love, love
00:55:18 Love, love, love, love
00:55:19 Love
00:55:41 Leo and Max
00:55:43 Up off our backs
00:55:45 Back on the Great White Way
00:55:49 Leo and Max
00:55:51 Back on our tracks
00:55:52 We're back on top to stay
00:55:56 So when we take your money
00:56:00 We'll knock Broadway
00:56:04 The cast is great
00:56:06 But this we're telling you, sirs
00:56:07 It's just no go
00:56:09 Without the producers
00:56:15 We'll never quit
00:56:18 Hit after hit
00:56:23 The producers
00:58:13 The overture is over
00:58:15 The curtain starts to rise
00:58:18 You're suddenly in clover
00:58:20 You can't believe your eyes
00:58:22 You're sitting on the aisle
00:58:24 You break into a smile
00:58:27 Why this magic feeling?
00:58:29 And then you realize
00:58:33 That there is
00:58:36 Nothing like a show on Broadway
00:58:40 Nothing like a Broadway show
00:58:44 Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway
00:58:48 If you're feeling blue
00:58:50 That's the place to go
00:58:52 Movies drag
00:58:55 TV's just a bore
00:58:56 So hit the street
00:58:58 To the place we all adore
00:59:00 Because there's nothing
00:59:05 There's nothing
00:59:09 It's often been said
00:59:10 The critics repeat it en masse
00:59:12 But the theatre's alive
00:59:14 Although it's a pain in the ass
00:59:16 You waited forever
00:59:18 To get to your seat
00:59:20 The guy to your right
00:59:22 The guy to your left
00:59:24 The music's yuck
00:59:26 The casting is all wrong
00:59:28 And when you reach the bathroom
00:59:30 The line is five miles long
00:59:31 But still there's nothing
00:59:36 There's nothing
00:59:40 You swear you'll never go again
00:59:41 It's simply not worthwhile
00:59:43 You make that vow
00:59:46 - You're back there on the aisle
00:59:50 That's why there's
00:59:53 Nothing like a show
00:59:57 There's nothing
01:00:00 Till you're in movies
01:00:01 There's nothing
01:00:06 And though it is expensive
01:00:10 There's nothing
01:00:12 Like a Broadway show!
01:03:23 Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf...
01:03:26 ...in paperback.
01:03:30 Available near you...
01:03:34 ...at Borders books...
01:03:37 ...or Barnes & Noble...
01:03:40 ...und amazon. Com.
01:03:54 Thanks for coming
01:03:57 Sad to tell you
01:04:00 Grab your hat
01:04:02 In case you didn't notice
01:04:04 There ain't any more
01:04:05 If you like our show
01:04:08 If you think it stinks
01:04:12 We're glad you came but
01:04:15 - Adíos
01:04:16 - Wiedersehen
01:04:17 - Goodbye
01:04:20 Get out
01:04:24 It's over.