Army of Darkness

en
00:00:46 My name is Ash,
00:00:50 - Aah!
00:00:53 Close as I can figure it,
00:00:56 and I'm being
00:00:59 It wasn't always
00:01:02 I had
00:01:06 A job.
00:01:08 Ash to price check four.
00:01:13 Um, hardware, aisle 12.
00:01:16 Shop smart.
00:01:18 I had a wonderful
00:01:24 Together, we drove to
00:01:31 It seems an archaeologist
00:01:34 to translate and study
00:01:37 "Necronomicon Ex Mortis,"
00:01:41 "The Book of the Dead."
00:01:45 Bound in human flesh
00:01:48 this ancient Sumerian text
00:01:53 funerary incantations
00:01:58 It was never meant
00:02:01 The book awoke
00:02:12 It took Linda.
00:02:14 - And then it came for me.
00:02:17 It got into my hand
00:02:20 So I lopped it off
00:02:29 But that didn't stop it.
00:02:32 - Big time.
00:02:36 Ah!
00:02:38 Aah!
00:02:51 My God!
00:02:54 How do you stop it?
00:03:53 - Surround the stranger!
00:03:58 All right,
00:04:06 All o' ya, keep a pace!
00:04:08 Where in the hell--
00:04:18 Stand fast, hellhound!
00:04:20 No, no.
00:04:24 Uh, I don't know
00:04:26 - and, uh, uh, I'm not
00:04:32 What a piece of armor this is!
00:04:37 - Wise man!
00:04:39 Back on your horses.
00:04:43 My lord, I believe he is the one
00:04:47 He who's prophesied to fall
00:04:50 and deliver us from
00:04:53 What, that buffoon?
00:04:55 Likely...
00:04:57 he's one
00:04:59 - Kneel, rapscallions!
00:05:03 I say
00:05:06 You shall soon
00:05:10 - To the pit!
00:05:14 - Get him!
00:05:20 - Let me go!
00:05:25 Ah, you're gonna have
00:05:29 To the castle!
00:05:34 Pick up your feet!
00:05:37 Come on!
00:05:40 Come on, now.
00:05:42 Come on, pick it up.
00:05:52 You men got something
00:05:55 when you get back to the castle.
00:05:59 Lord Arthur approaches!
00:06:01 Raise the portcullis!
00:06:04 Lord Arthur!
00:06:14 That's lovely, isn't it?
00:06:16 Move it,
00:06:20 - Get on!
00:06:39 Move it up, boys.
00:06:42 God save the king.
00:06:47 Arthur!
00:06:51 Lord Arthur, where is my brother?
00:06:55 Aye,
00:06:58 But last night he fell in battle
00:07:01 I'm sorry, Sheila.
00:07:03 Come on.
00:07:05 You cretin!
00:07:11 You barbarian!
00:07:13 - Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it!
00:07:16 Get outta here,
00:07:22 Foul thing!
00:07:26 Thou art a murderer!
00:07:34 My brother's death
00:07:51 Company, halt!
00:07:57 Get that yoke off 'im!
00:08:01 Kill them!
00:08:04 Put them into the pit!
00:08:13 You, sir,
00:08:17 Who are you?
00:08:20 Who wants to know?
00:08:22 I am Henry the Red,
00:08:25 Duke of Shael, Lord of the Northlands
00:08:29 Well, hello,
00:08:33 I got news for you, pal. You ain't
00:08:36 Jack and shit,
00:08:39 Shut your bleedin' hole!
00:08:41 Shut your bleedin' hole!
00:08:42 Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!
00:08:52 There is an evil
00:08:56 and while my people fight
00:09:00 you, Henry the Red,
00:09:03 Charlatan!
00:09:07 It was you who first turned
00:09:10 And this evil has befouled
00:09:13 Your people are no better
00:09:16 that lies in the bowels of that pit.
00:09:18 Right, you're no better.
00:09:21 May God
00:09:38 God's name!
00:09:47 Into the pit with those
00:09:51 No! No!
00:09:55 No, no! Aah!
00:10:25 Oh! Heavenly God!
00:10:31 He's escaping!
00:10:33 - Hold to!
00:11:07 - Who's next?
00:11:09 They don't look
00:11:13 He's frightened!
00:11:17 Whoa! Whoa!
00:11:20 Wait a minute. Hold it.
00:11:23 W-Wait a minute.
00:11:27 I never even saw
00:11:30 - Get him in there!
00:11:32 He's begging!
00:11:34 - What are you waitin' for?
00:11:37 You gotta tell him
00:11:39 We never met.
00:11:44 I do not think
00:11:48 Look.
00:11:49 I'm tellin' you,
00:12:03 I'm tellin' you,
00:12:07 Uh, wh-whoa.
00:12:11 - Aah!
00:13:02 How do you like the pit?
00:13:19 - Hai-ya!
00:13:22 - Why, you--
00:13:26 Ha!
00:13:29 Spikes.
00:13:31 Hey! He says, "Spikes."
00:13:48 Make way!
00:14:01 - Strange one!
00:14:06 Yaaah!
00:14:10 Yes!
00:14:27 Damn you.
00:15:55 You know,
00:16:08 All right.
00:16:11 Who wants some?
00:16:14 Who's next, huh?
00:16:18 How 'bout it?
00:16:20 Who wants some, huh?
00:16:22 Who wants
00:16:28 You.
00:16:34 Huh?
00:16:37 You want a little?
00:16:41 Do ya? Do ya?
00:16:44 Huh? Huh?
00:17:01 Now get on those horses
00:17:07 Let 'em go!
00:17:32 - Halt!
00:17:35 Thank you, generous hosts!
00:17:38 Sword boy!
00:17:48 For that arrogance,
00:18:02 Yeah.
00:18:04 All right, you primitive screwheads,
00:18:08 See this?
00:18:11 - This is my boom stick!
00:18:16 It's a 12-gauge,
00:18:18 S-mart's
00:18:20 You can find this in
00:18:23 That's right. This sweet baby
00:18:27 Retails for about $109.95.
00:18:30 It's got a walnut stock,
00:18:35 That's right, shop smart.
00:18:39 Shop S-mart.
00:18:42 - Yes, sir. Right.
00:18:44 Now I swear,
00:18:46 the next one
00:18:49 even touches me--
00:19:20 Now, let's talk about
00:19:55 I prithee to forgive me,
00:19:58 I believed thee
00:20:01 First you wanna kill me,
00:20:06 Blow.
00:20:10 So what's the deal?
00:20:13 Only the Necronomicon
00:20:16 An unholy book
00:20:19 Within its pages are passages
00:20:22 Only you, The Promised One,
00:20:26 I don't want your book.
00:20:30 Just send me back to my own time.
00:20:42 - You shall die!
00:20:52 You shall never obtain
00:20:56 We shall feast
00:21:04 Oh!
00:21:21 - It's a trick. Get an axe.
00:21:30 - Guards, stop it!
00:21:34 - Catch the witch!
00:21:37 Have some porridge!
00:21:39 Ah, my eyes! I'm blind!
00:21:44 No, don't!
00:21:51 Yo, she-bitch.
00:21:54 - Let's go.
00:21:57 Ya-hoo!
00:21:58 Hee-ya!
00:22:01 - Hee-ya!
00:22:18 If the Necronomicon fell into
00:22:20 all mankind will be consumed
00:22:23 Now will thou
00:22:39 That one.
00:23:02 Hee-ya!
00:23:08 Groovy.
00:23:23 What's the matter?
00:23:26 Probably was raised in a barn
00:23:39 The wise men say that
00:23:45 'Tis said that thou wilt journey
00:23:49 and that thou wilt lead
00:23:51 The only reason I'm going
00:24:01 I believe that thou wilt be
00:24:04 Don't touch that, please.
00:24:06 wouldn't understand
00:24:08 and things with
00:24:14 What are you
00:24:17 I wanted to say
00:24:19 all of my hopes and
00:24:22 and I made this
00:24:25 Good, I could use
00:24:50 Gimme some sugar, baby.
00:25:01 Hyah! Come on, boy!
00:25:06 Hyah!
00:25:15 Hyah!
00:25:26 - Steady now. Whoa.
00:25:33 What? What is it?
00:25:35 This path will lead you
00:25:38 A cemetery. There,
00:25:45 When thou retrievest the book from
00:25:50 "Klaatu barada nikto."
00:25:53 Klaatu barada nikto.
00:25:56 Well, repeat them.
00:25:59 - Klaatu barada nikto.
00:26:02 I got it, I got it!
00:26:06 Now you get this straight,
00:26:08 If I get that book,
00:26:12 After that,
00:26:54 What is it, boy?
00:27:10 Hyah! Come on!
00:27:20 Hyah! Come on!
00:27:28 Aah! Come on!
00:27:31 Come on, you!
00:29:18 Hey, let's scare
00:29:23 Ramming speed!
00:29:30 Ooh!
00:29:34 Ready, aim, fire!
00:29:37 - Ooh!
00:29:39 Whoa!
00:29:42 - Oh, God! Oh, no!
00:29:44 - Oh!
00:29:47 Oh, no!
00:29:49 Ooh, no! Oh, my!
00:29:51 Uh, ooh, aah!
00:29:54 - Lift up!
00:29:58 - Ooh, aah!
00:30:04 Aah-ha-ha!
00:30:13 Heh heh heh-heh--
00:30:17 London Bridge
00:30:19 Falling down
00:30:22 Falling down
00:30:25 - My fair lady
00:30:32 Ooh!
00:30:39 Is he up?
00:30:41 Hey,
00:30:49 Hmm,
00:30:54 Wait a minute.
00:30:59 I can't move!
00:31:01 Aah!
00:31:07 - And go!
00:31:10 Geronimo!
00:31:17 - Hooray!
00:31:42 - Ah!
00:31:45 Okay, little fella.
00:31:59 How'd you like
00:32:02 How'd you like the ta--
00:32:08 Aah, uh, ugh, oh!
00:32:11 Ah! Oh!
00:32:15 Let me out!
00:32:21 Oh, dear God,
00:32:41 Ooh, ooh, I'm blind.
00:32:49 Yip, yip, yah!
00:32:52 Oh, hey! Where are you takin' me?
00:33:03 What are you?
00:33:06 Are you me?
00:33:09 I'm bad Ash,
00:33:12 You're goody
00:33:14 You're goody little two-shoes
00:33:18 Little goody two-shoes
00:33:21 Little goody two-shoes
00:33:26 - Ow!
00:33:30 Little goody two-shoes
00:33:36 Aah!
00:33:44 Good, bad.
00:34:49 That'll teach you.
00:34:56 You shall never retrieve
00:34:58 You'll die in the graveyard
00:35:02 - What's that you got on your face?
00:35:06 I'll come back for you!
00:35:15 - Hyah!
00:35:20 Come on, boy!
00:35:31 Hyah!
00:36:39 Three books?
00:36:46 Wait a minute.
00:36:48 Nobody said anything
00:36:53 L-Like what
00:36:55 Take one book,
00:37:02 Well.
00:37:58 Whoa. Wrong book.
00:38:37 Ow!
00:38:44 Aah! Ooh!
00:38:56 Ooh! Ooh, you!
00:38:58 I'll get back to you.
00:39:03 Well...
00:39:04 Well...
00:39:05 seems fairly obvious.
00:39:11 Ooh, wait a minute. The words.
00:39:17 Say the words.
00:39:22 Klaatu... barada...
00:39:26 Iu--
00:39:34 necktie.
00:39:36 Nectar, n-- nickel.
00:39:39 Noodle.
00:39:42 It's definitely
00:39:47 It's definitely
00:40:01 Klaatu barada n--
00:40:20 Okay, then.
00:40:34 Hey. Wait a minute.
00:40:37 Everything's cool.
00:40:41 - Oh! Oh! No, wait! Oh!
00:40:52 You people, seek cover!
00:40:57 Seek your children!
00:40:59 - Steady the horses!
00:41:03 Something's wrong.
00:41:38 Where'd you go?
00:42:05 Oh, oh, aah!
00:42:10 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:42:15 Ow! I'll crush ya!
00:42:40 - Hyah!
00:42:45 I'm through being their garbage boy.
00:42:48 Now I want back,
00:43:03 I... live...
00:43:08 again.
00:43:20 There! The Promised One!
00:43:24 Raise the portcullis!
00:43:31 Welcome home!
00:43:36 - The Necronomicon!
00:43:41 - He's brought the Necronomicon!
00:43:43 - He's brought the book!
00:43:46 - Good boy!
00:43:55 The Necronomicon, quickly.
00:44:00 - Yeah, it's, it's just that--
00:44:04 Nothin'.
00:44:12 Now send me back.
00:44:16 When you removed the Necronomicon from
00:44:21 - Yeah, basically.
00:44:24 Look, maybe I didn't say every
00:44:26 - no, but basically I said 'em, yeah.
00:44:30 Thou hast doomed us all!
00:44:33 the army
00:44:36 Now, whoa, whoa,
00:44:38 You said you could clean this mess up
00:44:41 You said there was a passage that could
00:44:45 It's true, the book still possesses
00:44:48 but to us
00:44:50 The evil has a terrible hunger
00:44:52 and it will come here
00:44:55 We had a deal.
00:44:58 You wanted the damn book,
00:45:01 I did my part,
00:45:03 Very well.
00:45:06 we shall honor
00:45:10 The wise men shall return you
00:45:14 Yeah?
00:45:16 - I thought he was the one.
00:45:18 'Cause that
00:45:20 So when do you think
00:45:23 start with all
00:45:26 He's nothin'
00:45:28 When do you
00:45:30 with all the, uh,
00:45:34 Agh! Wretched excuse
00:45:36 The wise men were fools
00:45:41 I knew he couldn't be trusted.
00:45:43 We put our trust in him.
00:45:45 I still believe
00:45:48 Oh, Sheila,
00:45:54 I didn't have
00:45:58 So long.
00:46:04 But what of the things
00:46:06 What of all the sweet words
00:46:09 Aw, well--
00:46:12 Well, that's just what we call
00:46:16 It was more than that.
00:46:20 I still have faith
00:46:23 I still believe that thou
00:46:32 Coward!
00:46:36 - Look there! A demon!
00:46:55 Ash! Help me!
00:46:58 Sheila!
00:47:04 Yaaah!
00:47:11 - Shoot the bloody thing!
00:47:20 Uh, me sword!
00:47:24 Yaaah!
00:47:27 Damn you!
00:47:47 Dig, damn you!
00:47:52 I shall command every
00:47:55 - that ever died in battle!
00:47:57 - You there, handsomely now.
00:47:59 We shall storm their castle
00:48:02 Hoist,
00:48:09 Welcome back
00:48:13 Now pick up a shovel
00:48:16 - Bring on the wench!
00:48:31 - Gimme some sugar, baby.
00:48:37 Well.
00:48:39 Now, ain't you
00:48:44 Don't touch me,
00:48:47 Come on.
00:48:49 That's it.
00:48:54 We got plans for you, girly-girl.
00:48:59 Have you lost your bones,
00:49:12 A scout approaches!
00:49:20 - Whoa!
00:49:23 Arise.
00:49:25 My lord, an army of the dead
00:49:27 - They approach the castle.
00:49:30 But two days' ride.
00:49:31 These winged ones
00:49:33 Perhaps we should leave
00:49:35 - We could be safe in the mountains.
00:49:37 - We must flee!
00:49:40 - They'll take our souls.
00:49:42 - I don't want to die!
00:49:46 That's it.
00:49:50 Run home
00:49:53 Me?
00:49:59 I say we stay here
00:50:03 Are all men from
00:50:07 Nope. Just me, baby.
00:50:12 How will we fight an army of the dead
00:50:17 How will you fight that?
00:50:20 Most of our people
00:50:22 We are but 60 men.
00:50:25 Then we'll get Henry the Red
00:50:31 Now... who's with me?
00:50:50 I'll stand by ya.
00:50:54 You can count on my steel.
00:50:56 I'll offer up my courage.
00:50:58 - Me sword's by his side.
00:51:02 - I'll bend my bow to your will, sir.
00:51:07 We'll stay!
00:51:09 Hail! Hail!
00:51:12 Hail! Hail! Hail!
00:51:27 Well, my dear,
00:51:29 say hello to the boys.
00:51:36 - There's a sight for sore bones.
00:51:44 I may be bad,
00:51:47 but I feel... good.
00:51:50 - Who rules?
00:51:53 You, sir. To the castle.
00:51:55 The castle!
00:51:59 Hurry up now.
00:52:01 The castle! Let's push.
00:52:04 Heave-ho.
00:53:06 Ha! Hoo!
00:53:08 Hai-ya!
00:53:10 Ha! Hoo! Hai-ya!
00:53:14 Yeah!
00:53:18 They're coming!
00:53:39 There's so damn
00:53:44 Maybe--
00:53:46 Just maybe my boys can stop 'em
00:53:54 Yeah.
00:53:56 And maybe
00:54:32 Battle stations! All right, get those
00:54:36 Ready the catapults!
00:54:50 And halt!
00:54:52 - Company, halt!
00:55:03 I'll rip his balls off.
00:55:38 Bring forth the scout!
00:55:43 Whoa.
00:55:45 My lord, we are positioned
00:55:48 Fine, fine, fine.
00:55:51 There, my lord,
00:55:54 The parapet. That would be
00:55:58 Right. Bring me forth
00:56:02 - Forward!
00:56:05 Cry havoc and let loose
00:56:10 To the castle!
00:56:13 Fly, mate! Fly!
00:56:17 Death to the mortals!
00:56:22 Arrows.
00:56:24 Torch boy!
00:57:01 Steady.
00:57:10 Fire!
00:57:14 - Advance, you beasts, advance!
00:57:27 Oh! Oh!
00:57:32 Yeah, baby!
00:57:40 - All right!
00:57:44 Sire, there's a second division
00:57:48 Ram the gate!
00:57:56 Catapults.
00:57:57 Catapults out!
00:58:08 Yeah!
00:58:10 Fire!
00:58:18 Look there!
00:58:24 Yeah!
00:58:27 - Seek cover!
00:58:31 - Make way!
00:58:43 Oh!
00:58:45 Oh, you miserable
00:58:48 Pick yourselves up
00:58:53 Sally for--
00:58:55 Sally forth.
00:59:01 Come on,
00:59:04 Lower.
00:59:07 Heave!
00:59:14 Forward!
00:59:18 Buttress the door, now!
00:59:32 Hold fast!
00:59:38 - Back!
00:59:40 Damn you!
00:59:45 Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
00:59:47 Go, you creatures!
00:59:50 Load!
00:59:56 - Heave! Put your...
00:59:59 backbones into it.
01:00:03 We've broken through!
01:00:10 Kill the mortals!
01:00:16 - Get it achieved and fast!
01:00:34 Their ranks are broken!
01:00:39 Ha! Hoo! Hai-ya!
01:00:49 Pull back!
01:00:52 Protect the book.
01:00:54 God save us all.
01:01:01 Say hello
01:01:17 Come on!
01:01:21 Look out!
01:01:23 - Whoo!
01:01:28 - Bye-bye.
01:01:33 It's the one in the cart we want!
01:01:37 - Yaaah!
01:01:47 Yaaaaah!
01:02:11 Sheila?
01:02:36 - We've secured the courtyard, my lord.
01:02:39 Excellent.
01:02:54 Ooh! Hey! Look out!
01:03:03 - Hey, you're mine, sweetie.
01:03:06 Get off of her!
01:03:12 Gotcha!
01:03:14 Damn you!
01:03:19 - My lord.
01:03:22 The book's where we are.
01:03:28 The Red! The Red!
01:03:34 Blows, blood...
01:03:37 and death!
01:03:43 Duke Henry! Ha-ha!
01:03:51 Die!
01:03:56 Onward, valiant cousins!
01:04:07 Oops!
01:04:09 Hello!
01:04:18 There ya go.
01:04:21 The book is mine.
01:04:32 I'll cut your gizzard out.
01:04:35 - Hey, where'd he go?
01:04:47 Come to papa.
01:04:50 Get him!
01:05:19 Oh, you crazy bitch,
01:05:22 Ha!
01:05:28 Right.
01:05:36 You found me beautiful once.
01:05:39 Honey, you got real ugly.
01:05:59 There we are.
01:06:09 So you wanna
01:06:12 Okay.
01:06:17 Oh.
01:06:22 All right, all right.
01:06:27 Prepare to die!
01:06:43 You're going down!
01:06:46 - I'm goin' up.
01:06:57 Come on!
01:07:14 - Oops. Excuse me.
01:07:16 All right!
01:07:19 You're pissin' me off,
01:07:42 I'll spoil
01:07:46 Back-stabber!
01:07:52 Hold still!
01:08:05 Tallyho!
01:08:09 - We can't hold the battlements!
01:08:13 We will hold!
01:08:28 I got a bone
01:08:31 Come on.
01:08:39 Slice that gizzard open.
01:08:58 Now you're mine.
01:09:02 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:09:21 At last, the book.
01:09:29 I possess the Necronomicon.
01:09:31 I've crushed your pathetic army.
01:09:35 Buckle up, bonehead,
01:09:39 Huh?
01:09:53 Victory's ours!
01:09:59 - Retreat! Retreat!
01:10:29 - Oh.
01:10:31 If it's a fight you want--
01:10:33 Watch 'em, lads.
01:11:24 Move yourself, lad!
01:11:26 - Your hand, man. Godspeed!
01:11:28 - My lady.
01:11:30 - Well won, my friend.
01:11:33 - Yeah!
01:11:40 We're brothers
01:11:47 The book tells us that
01:11:50 and recite the words,
01:11:54 thou shalt awaken
01:11:59 Remember, you must
01:12:34 Hyah!
01:12:56 I thought about staying.
01:12:58 They offered me the chance to lead them,
01:13:03 - Uh-huh.
01:13:06 - So I swallowed the juice,
01:13:11 the words
01:13:13 Well, maybe I didn't say every
01:13:17 but basically
01:13:21 Basically.
01:13:25 You know that story about
01:13:28 I, uh, I think
01:13:31 Yeah.
01:13:53 - Die!
01:14:08 Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have
01:14:12 Who the hell are you?
01:14:14 Name's Ash.
01:14:17 Housewares.
01:14:39 I'll swallow your soul.
01:14:42 Come get some.
01:15:04 Sure, I could've
01:15:08 Could've even been king.
01:15:12 But in my own way,
01:15:15 I am king.
01:15:18 Hail to the king, baby.