|
Robin Williams Live on Broadway
|
| 00:00:18 |
Ladies and gentlemen, |
| 00:00:40 |
Thank you! |
| 00:00:46 |
Oh, please! |
| 00:00:50 |
Sit the fuck down! |
| 00:00:52 |
Thank you! |
| 00:00:54 |
Thank you! |
| 00:00:56 |
Thank you! |
| 00:00:58 |
Oh, yes! |
| 00:01:00 |
Oh, yes, my little |
| 00:01:05 |
That's it! Good night! |
| 00:01:08 |
Thank you for the standing ovation, |
| 00:01:11 |
Let's have a cigarette, let's relax. |
| 00:01:14 |
We're here in New York, |
| 00:01:18 |
Yes! |
| 00:01:21 |
Obviously this is not gonna |
| 00:01:27 |
This will be Shakespeare |
| 00:01:30 |
So that's the way you like it! |
| 00:01:45 |
Welcome to my lovely set which is |
| 00:01:50 |
Or maybe the last thing |
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I'm over here! |
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I'm down here! |
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This is brought to you by HBO, |
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also owned by |
| 00:02:07 |
"You've got mail". |
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Welcome! |
| 00:02:13 |
Don't be afraid! |
| 00:02:16 |
It was so reassuring |
| 00:02:18 |
George W. Bush talked |
| 00:02:23 |
It must be him |
| 00:02:26 |
it's kinda like having |
| 00:02:28 |
It doesn't really work! |
| 00:02:31 |
"A lot of our imports |
| 00:02:34 |
No shit?! |
| 00:02:37 |
Moving right along... |
| 00:02:41 |
Meanwhile, |
| 00:02:48 |
I don't know, baby... |
| 00:02:50 |
It was strange enought when Michael |
| 00:02:53 |
That for me was like, |
| 00:02:57 |
That was a pretty short list. |
| 00:03:01 |
- "What are you doing"? |
| 00:03:05 |
Now Michael is claming rasism. |
| 00:03:07 |
I'm going, |
| 00:03:16 |
"What are you claiming, |
| 00:03:20 |
"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. |
| 00:03:24 |
"You were Diana Ross. |
| 00:03:32 |
Michael, you're not a freak. |
| 00:03:37 |
And you spend more money |
| 00:03:42 |
If you go to Neverland, it says |
| 00:03:44 |
"You must be this |
| 00:03:53 |
Obviously, people and the lawyers |
| 00:03:58 |
But how fucked up |
| 00:04:00 |
for Al Sharpton to go, |
| 00:04:12 |
If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, |
| 00:04:13 |
even rats are going, |
| 00:04:17 |
"From the Don King School |
| 00:04:20 |
He's running for |
| 00:04:23 |
"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance |
| 00:04:27 |
Sorry, my lips just went, |
| 00:04:31 |
Couple of dyslexic people went, |
| 00:04:35 |
"Thank you"! |
| 00:04:37 |
We were worried about |
| 00:04:39 |
We were gonna say |
| 00:04:41 |
It's OK. |
| 00:04:43 |
I know people are going |
| 00:04:45 |
"One nation under Canada, |
| 00:04:51 |
But then you have to the whole... |
| 00:04:52 |
There's anthems like |
| 00:04:56 |
On the dollar bill, instead |
| 00:04:59 |
"In Gates We Trust"! |
| 00:05:01 |
"Mr. Gates, when did you realize |
| 00:05:04 |
"Monopoly is just a game, senator". |
| 00:05:05 |
"I'm trying to control |
| 00:05:09 |
Don't you see Windows Millenium? |
| 00:05:12 |
It's all leading to |
| 00:05:14 |
Soon it will be Total |
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And when you're sucking on the tit, |
| 00:05:23 |
Don't be afraid! |
| 00:05:25 |
It's a nice day |
| 00:05:27 |
NY police have a catch and |
| 00:05:33 |
Stop! OK, go on again! |
| 00:05:37 |
You're it! |
| 00:05:41 |
I like NY on a day like today. For a |
| 00:05:45 |
People're back to being newyorkers |
| 00:05:49 |
"Fuck you, my friend! |
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But the most beautiful thing about |
| 00:05:56 |
that the ladies |
| 00:05:59 |
Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! |
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On a hot day all the tities are out |
| 00:06:08 |
Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes |
| 00:06:13 |
And then they hit a |
| 00:06:17 |
Yes! |
| 00:06:21 |
These are not like |
| 00:06:23 |
where even God goes |
| 00:06:28 |
Weird tits. You know |
| 00:06:30 |
They don't laugh, |
| 00:06:34 |
"I'm walking here"! |
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I've seen a woman turn |
| 00:06:42 |
Babies, lucky they don't have any |
| 00:06:47 |
I've seen tits that are really bad, |
| 00:06:49 |
like they had the nipples on the top, |
| 00:06:57 |
When you go up Madison Avenue |
| 00:07:04 |
"I'm so scared, |
| 00:07:09 |
These are the ladies who've had |
| 00:07:12 |
"What are these lumps |
| 00:07:13 |
"Those are your tits, madam"! |
| 00:07:17 |
- And what's this? |
| 00:07:22 |
This is good news for you. |
| 00:07:25 |
And girls getting |
| 00:07:29 |
- Look, I don't have any wrinkles. |
| 00:07:34 |
You look like you've had |
| 00:07:38 |
When guys say to you "Baby, I want |
| 00:07:45 |
"Do it for me. |
| 00:07:48 |
And you say |
| 00:07:51 |
"Then I want you to get |
| 00:07:55 |
I want you to get |
| 00:07:58 |
So when you do the baywatch |
| 00:08:03 |
Nothing drives a woman crazy like a |
| 00:08:09 |
So you go to the doctor... |
| 00:08:16 |
Payback's a bitch! |
| 00:08:19 |
Because you went through a hard time. |
| 00:08:23 |
Temperatures were like 80, 20, |
| 00:08:28 |
The weathermen are going, |
| 00:08:30 |
"I don't fucking |
| 00:08:33 |
"Let's just see what happens". |
| 00:08:36 |
Flowers were like Anne Heche |
| 00:08:41 |
"I don't know where to go"! |
| 00:08:50 |
George came back from Japan, he went |
| 00:08:55 |
- No, it's Kyoto. |
| 00:08:58 |
George, walk away. |
| 00:09:02 |
And they say there's no global warming, |
| 00:09:03 |
but right now the |
| 00:09:06 |
It is beyond global warming, |
| 00:09:12 |
It's 105 in the middle of the country, |
| 00:09:14 |
"Is it hot enough for you"? |
| 00:09:17 |
"No, I like sweat to be rolling down |
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"I like my old man |
| 00:09:27 |
You see people in shorts and you're |
| 00:09:32 |
"Oh please, don't put those on"! |
| 00:09:34 |
If you go to South West Airline |
| 00:09:36 |
"Sorry, you're not fat, |
| 00:09:40 |
Big people at South West |
| 00:09:44 |
The problem is that |
| 00:09:49 |
And you have to put your |
| 00:09:52 |
People don't mind now. |
| 00:09:55 |
All over the country |
| 00:09:58 |
In Houston they got Enron field. |
| 00:10:00 |
"We were gonna call it |
| 00:10:04 |
We can't call it |
| 00:10:07 |
"Arthur Anderson put in the |
| 00:10:12 |
And now Martha Stuart |
| 00:10:18 |
No! |
| 00:10:22 |
Say it ain't so! |
| 00:10:24 |
I like to consider it more |
| 00:10:28 |
If you only have one room, and I |
| 00:10:32 |
use the light well. You have vertical |
| 00:10:37 |
Also, think of your ankle |
| 00:10:42 |
The first time she has lunch going |
| 00:10:47 |
Shut up, bitch! |
| 00:10:55 |
All over things have been going good. |
| 00:11:00 |
I never knew that Ray Charles |
| 00:11:03 |
They're some severe... |
| 00:11:05 |
They're colours there that |
| 00:11:09 |
I've been to Nashville, I've heard |
| 00:11:12 |
"Take your finger outta my ass, |
| 00:11:18 |
Funny ass shit people do now. |
| 00:11:23 |
It's HBO, cause it's live. |
| 00:11:30 |
People playing baseball. |
| 00:11:33 |
Yankees are kicking |
| 00:11:39 |
You did a good job. |
| 00:11:41 |
Everybody's worried about people |
| 00:11:45 |
Here's one quick way you tell |
| 00:11:48 |
on steroids, your balls shrink |
| 00:11:52 |
So if someone steps up to the plate |
| 00:11:53 |
with a Mardi Gras head and |
| 00:11:58 |
Poor Barry Bonds! |
| 00:12:00 |
and when they do it, |
| 00:12:01 |
He's like Yasser Arafat |
| 00:12:05 |
For Jerusalem I have |
| 00:12:08 |
It's called a timeshare, |
| 00:12:12 |
Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, |
| 00:12:14 |
Christians will get |
| 00:12:17 |
and Muslims will have Ramadan |
| 00:12:23 |
Obviously, the people of HBO |
| 00:12:27 |
"What are you doing, you asshole"! |
| 00:12:31 |
I'm very excited |
| 00:12:34 |
when I was watching |
| 00:12:37 |
I saw world cup, baby. |
| 00:12:39 |
There's a few soccer fans, |
| 00:12:42 |
"Uh, that's like football |
| 00:12:45 |
For the rest of the |
| 00:12:47 |
For us, it's "A strange sport, |
| 00:12:51 |
We made it in the World Cup. |
| 00:12:54 |
Not like the World Series, cause the |
| 00:12:57 |
If they did, they would only have |
| 00:13:01 |
You know what I'm saying? |
| 00:13:04 |
What can you do, huh? |
| 00:13:11 |
The day that Marie Antoinette |
| 00:13:15 |
We are French. Fuck you, Americans, |
| 00:13:19 |
My friend Lance Armstrong is racing |
| 00:13:23 |
And every year the French |
| 00:13:27 |
"It's chemotherapy, |
| 00:13:31 |
Okay, he has one testicle, |
| 00:13:36 |
Everyone, cut off your balls. |
| 00:13:39 |
Don't be afraid. |
| 00:13:42 |
When you look at the World Cup, |
| 00:13:46 |
We made it to the sixteen, baby! |
| 00:13:53 |
We're no longer in the |
| 00:13:58 |
They used to see us coming "Give |
| 00:14:02 |
Thank you for the ball. |
| 00:14:08 |
Unlike the Brazilians. |
| 00:14:14 |
And the fans are like... |
| 00:14:17 |
Brazilians are going |
| 00:14:20 |
"Look, I'm scoring"! |
| 00:14:23 |
"And now I'm kicking the ball". |
| 00:14:26 |
Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. |
| 00:14:32 |
I didn't do anything... |
| 00:14:35 |
It's not like hockey, when someone |
| 00:14:38 |
"Bang, motherfucker"! |
| 00:14:39 |
That's why there are no |
| 00:14:41 |
When a white guy takes |
| 00:14:44 |
"Motherfucker, I'm going |
| 00:14:47 |
"And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, |
| 00:14:51 |
"Coming in there! |
| 00:14:54 |
Sometimes guys do this weird thing... |
| 00:15:00 |
"I've been killed... |
| 00:15:06 |
"There's nobody near me, huh? |
| 00:15:13 |
And the referee comes over, |
| 00:15:16 |
Two yellow cards, |
| 00:15:19 |
Hold on, three cards, |
| 00:15:24 |
And the referee is so sweet, too. |
| 00:15:27 |
"What's your name? |
| 00:15:35 |
"Why didn't you call me |
| 00:15:41 |
Not like football referees who have |
| 00:15:47 |
Mad white man dancing on the field! |
| 00:15:52 |
Moving away. |
| 00:15:57 |
In the World Cup they always |
| 00:16:00 |
someone may have been paid off. |
| 00:16:02 |
Oh, shit, say it ain't so! |
| 00:16:05 |
You're telling me that the Oscars |
| 00:16:11 |
There's a game mafia! |
| 00:16:17 |
The mov-hand! |
| 00:16:21 |
Fairy Godfather, "Does this |
| 00:16:29 |
If you go to LA, there's a great |
| 00:16:32 |
"Love you"! |
| 00:16:44 |
The worst refereeing was in the |
| 00:16:49 |
Once again, the |
| 00:16:52 |
The Canadians, they skate perfectly. |
| 00:16:57 |
And then the Russians |
| 00:17:00 |
and the French judge went, "How lifelike, |
| 00:17:05 |
At that point I'm going "Where is |
| 00:17:09 |
Tanya would've been on that |
| 00:17:13 |
"Give me that medal, |
| 00:17:20 |
"I won"! |
| 00:17:23 |
Instead we get to see |
| 00:17:26 |
in an all white trash weekend. |
| 00:17:31 |
Trailer park Tuesday! |
| 00:17:33 |
Tanya went right for the nose, |
| 00:17:40 |
Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco |
| 00:17:43 |
There will be no hitting |
| 00:17:47 |
"Fuck, man, give that back! |
| 00:17:52 |
What's next? "The Nixon daughters |
| 00:17:57 |
"Be there as my bitches go at it"! |
| 00:18:00 |
At this point, even |
| 00:18:02 |
"What the fuck |
| 00:18:04 |
Why don't you have |
| 00:18:07 |
just kick out the jams? |
| 00:18:09 |
Cause we've got The Chamber, |
| 00:18:13 |
People in Texas are going |
| 00:18:17 |
"We just don't film'em". |
| 00:18:21 |
Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned |
| 00:18:25 |
People in Texas are going, |
| 00:18:29 |
Cause they were zapping retarded |
| 00:18:32 |
It was like, "Go sit on |
| 00:18:41 |
And I know the definition of |
| 00:18:51 |
It's crazy! |
| 00:18:58 |
Even the Taliban is going |
| 00:19:02 |
There was a guy with one leg. They |
| 00:19:04 |
He was gonna be dead man hopping. |
| 00:19:10 |
There is a moment of compassion. |
| 00:19:13 |
they do an alcohol swab, |
| 00:19:20 |
"What the fuck are you doing"? |
| 00:19:22 |
"We don't want you to get |
| 00:19:28 |
"It's all safe now". |
| 00:19:31 |
You remember the Winter Olympics. |
| 00:19:35 |
What, was Amish country booked, |
| 00:19:38 |
"Come on down to Salt Lake! |
| 00:19:43 |
"Bring your wives. Oops! |
| 00:19:47 |
At the closing ceremony |
| 00:19:49 |
Donnie and Marie, |
| 00:19:53 |
I went "Uh-uh, honey, no! |
| 00:20:03 |
If you're going to Georgia, |
| 00:20:09 |
Jane found God |
| 00:20:15 |
We're at the olympics once again, |
| 00:20:16 |
we're talking about |
| 00:20:19 |
I find the figure skating |
| 00:20:22 |
Not ice dancing, which is polka |
| 00:20:27 |
There's that pairs figure skating. |
| 00:20:30 |
Where the male skater goes... |
| 00:20:33 |
Right here! |
| 00:20:34 |
Where even a gynecologist would go |
| 00:20:38 |
Who's your daddy? |
| 00:20:44 |
And I'm going |
| 00:20:46 |
"let's have ice fucking, |
| 00:21:02 |
And she holds on without her hands! |
| 00:21:23 |
Even the French judge would go |
| 00:21:27 |
"I don't care. I'm giving them |
| 00:21:31 |
"So fabulous"! |
| 00:21:34 |
There's other kinda sexual things |
| 00:21:38 |
about which I have only one question. |
| 00:21:39 |
What drunken, German gynecologist |
| 00:21:45 |
"You know what? I want |
| 00:21:48 |
"shove an ice skate in my ass," |
| 00:21:52 |
"and go balls first |
| 00:21:56 |
"Ya! That would be fun". |
| 00:22:01 |
No! This is for pussies! |
| 00:22:04 |
- How will you stir? |
| 00:22:07 |
"I will flex my ass |
| 00:22:12 |
And do not talk to me |
| 00:22:15 |
I'm saying "Boys, get a room"! |
| 00:22:17 |
"Make that turn, you bastard, make it"! |
| 00:22:20 |
"Hard right, you fucker, hard right"! |
| 00:22:24 |
Pour guy gets to the end of the run |
| 00:22:29 |
"You cost us the race"! |
| 00:22:31 |
"Your penis going frr was |
| 00:22:35 |
"We could've won if you |
| 00:22:38 |
"Dolphin boy"! |
| 00:22:43 |
There's always some |
| 00:22:45 |
This year was a Spanish |
| 00:22:48 |
Skilor, which is like a skier. |
| 00:22:51 |
- Are you a skilor? |
| 00:22:55 |
They accused him of taking |
| 00:23:01 |
Like an elephant growth hormone. |
| 00:23:04 |
"Are you on some sort of drug"? |
| 00:23:08 |
"Are you taking an |
| 00:23:13 |
And they didn't bother |
| 00:23:19 |
"Go, go my little boys, have fun"! |
| 00:23:23 |
I guess they realized the word |
| 00:23:28 |
Remember the kid who |
| 00:23:31 |
He was in freestyle. |
| 00:23:33 |
- You wanna be on a box of Whities? |
| 00:23:38 |
A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! |
| 00:23:42 |
The poor Canadian snowboarder, |
| 00:23:44 |
they took away his medal because |
| 00:23:47 |
which is kinda redundant number one. |
| 00:23:48 |
Number two, they said that marijuana |
| 00:23:57 |
Marijuana enhances many things, |
| 00:24:02 |
but you are certainly |
| 00:24:06 |
When you're stoned, you're lucky if |
| 00:24:10 |
The only way it's a |
| 00:24:12 |
if there's a big fucking Hershey |
| 00:24:17 |
Then you'll be like... |
| 00:24:21 |
Then you'll be like a Swiss |
| 00:24:25 |
Pour Canadian snowboarder. |
| 00:24:28 |
and he couldn't find it. It |
| 00:24:31 |
Get out of here, you little |
| 00:24:35 |
They have weird sports |
| 00:24:37 |
which is like Norwegian drive-by. |
| 00:24:41 |
"Get the TV, Hans"! |
| 00:24:45 |
The Canadians won the |
| 00:24:50 |
God bless you Canadian people. |
| 00:24:55 |
You're so fucking nice, eh? |
| 00:24:58 |
It's your only |
| 00:25:02 |
That and a mutant form of football. |
| 00:25:04 |
"We've got 13 men, we |
| 00:25:06 |
"No, you have fun, enjoy"! |
| 00:25:09 |
Canada's like a loft apartment |
| 00:25:17 |
"Keep it down, eh"? |
| 00:25:22 |
"We are nice. We have Jean Chritien, |
| 00:25:26 |
He was the only man in the world who said, |
| 00:25:29 |
"If a guy comes to hit me, |
| 00:25:32 |
"I'm Jean Chritien which versus |
| 00:25:36 |
Quebec keeps wanting to break away from |
| 00:25:41 |
It's like a kid moving |
| 00:25:42 |
-But I still would like to get money. |
| 00:25:46 |
Canadian money is also |
| 00:25:50 |
How can you take an |
| 00:25:54 |
- The Looney is down! |
| 00:25:58 |
What are you saying, eh? |
| 00:26:00 |
Everyone was so happy that at the |
| 00:26:05 |
"Security was amazing |
| 00:26:07 |
Utah's the whitest |
| 00:26:10 |
An Arab in Utah is like an albino |
| 00:26:18 |
- We found one! |
| 00:26:24 |
The problem was that there was |
| 00:26:27 |
All the dogs looking |
| 00:26:31 |
"You go, man, you go"! |
| 00:26:34 |
Pour dogs they looked |
| 00:26:36 |
In the cage at the end |
| 00:26:38 |
"I can't taste my ass, |
| 00:26:43 |
"It's my tail"! |
| 00:26:47 |
Meanwhile your cat |
| 00:26:49 |
"You're still an |
| 00:26:52 |
Is it me, or are cats drag queens? |
| 00:26:56 |
The way they kinda go |
| 00:27:03 |
"Are these your shoes"? |
| 00:27:06 |
Who loves Kitty? |
| 00:27:10 |
Male cats have that amazing thing, |
| 00:27:12 |
where they kinda walk around going |
| 00:27:17 |
"Mine"! |
| 00:27:21 |
"I like that too". |
| 00:27:23 |
Thank God men aren't like that! |
| 00:27:26 |
"Nice car, Bob. |
| 00:27:30 |
- What are you doing? |
| 00:27:47 |
The whole anthrax thing |
| 00:27:49 |
They said |
| 00:27:53 |
- Why? |
| 00:27:56 |
"Really"!? |
| 00:28:00 |
"Your mother and I used to look |
| 00:28:02 |
"We weren't on-line. |
| 00:28:05 |
"And there were ninjas on the |
| 00:28:10 |
And now, there are people |
| 00:28:13 |
And that's why |
| 00:28:15 |
I can't even get a condom |
| 00:28:20 |
"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got |
| 00:28:29 |
"I'll be right with you, honey". |
| 00:28:31 |
"Don't go away on me now". |
| 00:28:39 |
You're playing "Beat the cock". |
| 00:28:43 |
"I got it, I got it"! |
| 00:28:48 |
There's your penis like a |
| 00:28:52 |
"I don't think we're |
| 00:28:56 |
"We didn't make the deadline". |
| 00:29:07 |
Remember when they sent anthrax |
| 00:29:12 |
And they cleared that |
| 00:29:14 |
"Everybody out, come on"! |
| 00:29:18 |
And when the Congressman |
| 00:29:19 |
"But the rest of you, |
| 00:29:23 |
"Everything is perfectly OK". |
| 00:29:25 |
"We'll be miles away". |
| 00:29:28 |
It's like when you go to the dentist |
| 00:29:31 |
He walks behind concrete, going |
| 00:29:39 |
How can you tell |
| 00:29:41 |
It's night of the living dead anyway. |
| 00:29:44 |
All those old senators going |
| 00:29:47 |
"The confederate flag is just |
| 00:29:51 |
Yeah, and the swastika |
| 00:29:59 |
When did Ted Kennedy |
| 00:30:03 |
He's huge! |
| 00:30:05 |
You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's |
| 00:30:09 |
Bring him down. |
| 00:30:13 |
Step away, boy. |
| 00:30:18 |
Congress recently |
| 00:30:22 |
to assassinate Saddam Hussein. |
| 00:30:27 |
So what they've done, |
| 00:30:30 |
the secret plan to |
| 00:30:34 |
I wonder if he knows? |
| 00:30:39 |
I know there's a cure for bio |
| 00:30:46 |
And it lies within |
| 00:30:50 |
He is the only man on the planet |
| 00:30:51 |
"Anthrax? |
| 00:30:58 |
"Doesn't go with my |
| 00:31:03 |
Keith is the only man who can make |
| 00:31:09 |
I've seen him go to a drug |
| 00:31:15 |
"I have nothing left". |
| 00:31:16 |
Supposedly he goes to Switzerland |
| 00:31:19 |
Not like one pint, but like a |
| 00:31:23 |
I just wanna know |
| 00:31:26 |
Some old Swiss man's going, |
| 00:31:27 |
"Heidi! |
| 00:31:32 |
"We've gotta pay for mixed babies". |
| 00:31:36 |
We may all be dead and gone, |
| 00:31:39 |
Keith will still be there |
| 00:31:43 |
Keith'll go, "I smoked |
| 00:31:47 |
"Fucking crazy..." |
| 00:31:51 |
Every so often, |
| 00:31:55 |
"I don't know where. |
| 00:31:59 |
"But something awful's |
| 00:32:03 |
"Thank you, that's all for today, |
| 00:32:07 |
Excuse me, can you give me a clue? |
| 00:32:09 |
What is it, the Central |
| 00:32:13 |
Are you working with Miss Cleo? |
| 00:32:19 |
"I don't know where, |
| 00:32:22 |
"but somethin' |
| 00:32:25 |
"And definitely don't |
| 00:32:26 |
"He only wants you |
| 00:32:29 |
People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. |
| 00:32:35 |
What do you want? A blind tarot |
| 00:32:40 |
If she's a psychic, why does |
| 00:32:45 |
Number two, that |
| 00:32:48 |
If she was a real psychic, |
| 00:32:50 |
she'd be one of those Louisiana |
| 00:32:54 |
"They have to puck your ass up" |
| 00:32:56 |
"so they can pull a place for |
| 00:32:59 |
It's like buying hair |
| 00:33:02 |
She's wearing a wig, you idiot! |
| 00:33:05 |
Take that abdominal thing... |
| 00:33:08 |
"while it shocks your fat ass |
| 00:33:12 |
"I'm getting six-pack abs |
| 00:33:17 |
You strap that to your head. |
| 00:33:20 |
And say, "I will not buy |
| 00:33:33 |
Now we are in troubled times. |
| 00:33:35 |
When it happened, I thought |
| 00:33:38 |
Instead of "Give me your |
| 00:33:40 |
it would be her with a baseball |
| 00:33:43 |
There was hardcore security. |
| 00:33:48 |
In Washington they had F-18s |
| 00:33:51 |
In San Francisco, |
| 00:33:55 |
At Golden Gate Bridge there's a |
| 00:34:03 |
One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, |
| 00:34:08 |
The problem is that the Hummer |
| 00:34:10 |
are in jungle camouflage. |
| 00:34:12 |
For those who never been to SF, |
| 00:34:17 |
So I feel like going |
| 00:34:22 |
"We're wooking for tewwowists". |
| 00:34:30 |
Airport security, before |
| 00:34:33 |
"Beep, OK, get |
| 00:34:37 |
"What's that? Oh, that's a gun. |
| 00:34:41 |
You could carry a four inch blade, |
| 00:34:50 |
Now, you can't even carry |
| 00:34:55 |
Are they afraid you're |
| 00:34:57 |
"Give me the plane |
| 00:35:02 |
"I have a nail file. |
| 00:35:07 |
And if you have a steak or any piece |
| 00:35:10 |
So it's like |
| 00:35:20 |
"Sir, you're making a lot of noise". |
| 00:35:23 |
The Hindu man in the back is going |
| 00:35:27 |
"Don't be afraid to beg, |
| 00:35:31 |
Now the airport security is tight. |
| 00:35:35 |
and if you are heavily pierced, |
| 00:35:39 |
"Take out your keys, sir". |
| 00:35:40 |
"Tip of the iceberg". |
| 00:35:51 |
For those playing the home game, |
| 00:35:56 |
I'm sure that was his last wish. |
| 00:35:59 |
I'm sure Albert said, |
| 00:36:02 |
"I want you to name a |
| 00:36:06 |
"and a bolt through |
| 00:36:08 |
"That will be Victoria's Secret. |
| 00:36:12 |
"Sell little thongs to people |
| 00:36:17 |
And I'm talking heavily pierced. |
| 00:36:19 |
Not like Britney Spears |
| 00:36:21 |
Yeah and Michael Jackson |
| 00:36:24 |
I'm talking like a hoop |
| 00:36:26 |
You know, lady... |
| 00:36:33 |
Just kinda the way your |
| 00:36:38 |
When you have a big hoop, what |
| 00:36:43 |
Or you have two. He's and her's |
| 00:36:47 |
A towel down here, |
| 00:36:50 |
It's interesting when you see a girl |
| 00:36:54 |
Why did you do that? |
| 00:36:55 |
"To enahthe |
| 00:37:00 |
"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy" |
| 00:37:02 |
"like the feel of cold |
| 00:37:06 |
"But the problem is I ended up |
| 00:37:08 |
"and living in a trailer park |
| 00:37:11 |
That's the trade-off, my darling. |
| 00:37:13 |
You get the tatoo with |
| 00:37:16 |
and by the time you're 80 |
| 00:37:20 |
And Madonna turns into |
| 00:37:24 |
"I'm dying, melting". |
| 00:37:29 |
Here's what you wanna do. |
| 00:37:29 |
When I was growing up I didn't have |
| 00:37:33 |
But I had National Geographic |
| 00:37:35 |
and the girls that got me crazy... |
| 00:37:39 |
You know the ones with |
| 00:37:43 |
Do that, drive your parents crazy |
| 00:37:47 |
Or do the full ubangy go, |
| 00:37:49 |
"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player". |
| 00:37:55 |
And you can take out the plate |
| 00:37:57 |
Have fun! |
| 00:37:59 |
Watch grandma go "Shit"! |
| 00:38:08 |
Union guys going |
| 00:38:18 |
This shit is gonna be |
| 00:38:23 |
Ten years from now, it's already |
| 00:38:28 |
"I got water". |
| 00:38:30 |
"And if you want it cold, |
| 00:38:35 |
Going on the planes now, a sweet |
| 00:38:40 |
"Ladies and gentlemen, |
| 00:38:44 |
"we're just gonna do a few |
| 00:38:47 |
"These are totally random". |
| 00:38:50 |
"I'm just gonna read off |
| 00:38:56 |
"Has'N'T'Been' Seen"? |
| 00:39:00 |
"Akeem Been'Laid"? |
| 00:39:02 |
"Have'N'T'Been Fucked"? |
| 00:39:06 |
"Judy Smith"? |
| 00:39:08 |
Fourteen arabs and a blonde...? |
| 00:39:11 |
And every black and Hispanic man in |
| 00:39:15 |
"Oh, yes, we're off the list, |
| 00:39:21 |
"They man's gonna be fucking |
| 00:39:25 |
"You better learn to go orderly". |
| 00:39:28 |
They take the knitting needles |
| 00:39:31 |
"Why, cause I'm gonna knit |
| 00:39:35 |
And the five year old kid, they're |
| 00:39:37 |
"What are you doing? |
| 00:39:46 |
So you've had |
| 00:39:49 |
Father pats little boys down, like, |
| 00:39:51 |
"Good game, boy, good game! |
| 00:39:56 |
They catch them, but they had the |
| 00:40:01 |
Find the priest, |
| 00:40:02 |
here's the priest, |
| 00:40:10 |
Don't you ask, don't you tell, |
| 00:40:14 |
Here's your check, direct from Rome, |
| 00:40:18 |
Isn't it amazing? |
| 00:40:27 |
Applause break number two. |
| 00:40:30 |
It was amazing when the Pope gathered |
| 00:40:35 |
The only problem is, he's dressed |
| 00:40:40 |
I have a solution, though! |
| 00:40:43 |
For problem priests, a little shock |
| 00:40:46 |
"You know, Timmy..." |
| 00:40:50 |
"Tommy, I think..." |
| 00:40:53 |
Or the automated confessional, |
| 00:40:55 |
"If this is a venal sin, press one". |
| 00:40:59 |
"If this is a carnal sin, press two". |
| 00:41:02 |
"If this is cardinal Law, |
| 00:41:05 |
"Because you have to remember, |
| 00:41:10 |
So we have to keep track! |
| 00:41:21 |
Right now they're up there watching. |
| 00:41:26 |
We're now under the offices |
| 00:41:30 |
Tom Ridge ever so often goes, |
| 00:41:35 |
They had to be very careful picking |
| 00:41:38 |
Couldn't say Fatherland because |
| 00:41:41 |
"That's a good one"! |
| 00:41:44 |
But Homeland Security, it |
| 00:41:47 |
which was England during WWII. |
| 00:41:49 |
Old men with pitchforks and colostomy |
| 00:41:53 |
There they were, |
| 00:41:56 |
"I threw my colostomy bag, |
| 00:41:59 |
and said "Get out of that fokker, |
| 00:42:04 |
And I also find out now, |
| 00:42:07 |
one of the greatest |
| 00:42:09 |
may have been so fucked |
| 00:42:14 |
that he didn't do some |
| 00:42:16 |
They were done by a man from the BBC, |
| 00:42:22 |
"We will fight them on the beaches, |
| 00:42:27 |
"Eeyore and Tigger"! |
| 00:42:31 |
And, he was fighting against Hitler! |
| 00:42:33 |
A man who recently a book |
| 00:42:36 |
and I always thought |
| 00:42:39 |
That and the leather and the dancing! |
| 00:42:44 |
We are now finding ourselves |
| 00:42:47 |
during these troubled times. |
| 00:42:48 |
Tony Blair, a militant liberal. |
| 00:42:50 |
Over here, George W. Bush, |
| 00:42:53 |
Sounds kinda like a Volvo |
| 00:42:58 |
Over here, Tony Blair, a man who |
| 00:43:02 |
which is like Congress, with a |
| 00:43:07 |
- I believe my worthy opponents... |
| 00:43:11 |
"Shite, bollocks, you bastard! |
| 00:43:13 |
Would someone remove |
| 00:43:19 |
Tony said, "This heinous |
| 00:43:22 |
"to the edge of oblivion..." |
| 00:43:24 |
"But our civilization shall endure"! |
| 00:43:26 |
And there's poor W. going, |
| 00:43:32 |
Cause you look at Bush |
| 00:43:36 |
It's a beta release. He came with |
| 00:43:40 |
"This country will |
| 00:43:43 |
oops, delete, delete, "hostage". |
| 00:43:47 |
And you look at him and realize |
| 00:43:50 |
"Our economy is going... |
| 00:43:56 |
He kinda reminds me of the guy in |
| 00:44:02 |
You just don't want him to drive. |
| 00:44:05 |
Some men are born great, |
| 00:44:08 |
some get it as a graduation gift. |
| 00:44:11 |
Historically... |
| 00:44:17 |
You must look at it |
| 00:44:20 |
He's George the second. |
| 00:44:22 |
A man we thought could |
| 00:44:24 |
because of confused Hebrews. |
| 00:44:29 |
W. doesn't speak while Channey's |
| 00:44:40 |
When everything went down, |
| 00:44:41 |
they put W. out there, but |
| 00:44:48 |
Channey had an angioplasty. |
| 00:44:52 |
He was like, |
| 00:44:55 |
"I'm OK"! |
| 00:44:58 |
And there's Ashcroft in the back, |
| 00:45:03 |
You have to remember, |
| 00:45:07 |
who lost to a dead man in Missouri. |
| 00:45:10 |
Choices in Missouri were |
| 00:45:16 |
And people in Missouri went, |
| 00:45:18 |
"I'm sorry John, the dead man |
| 00:45:30 |
Here's the drill for me. |
| 00:45:35 |
It doesn't scare me that |
| 00:45:38 |
That's OK. |
| 00:45:44 |
Stevie's only been blind since birth! |
| 00:45:46 |
And there's W. going, |
| 00:45:49 |
Even Stevie Wonder's going, |
| 00:45:55 |
"Does he think I'm looking |
| 00:46:01 |
No! What scares me, |
| 00:46:03 |
is that W. almost died |
| 00:46:08 |
We have billions of |
| 00:46:11 |
They want billions more |
| 00:46:14 |
And he almost fucking goes |
| 00:46:18 |
Secret Service are going |
| 00:46:21 |
"Gilligan's down. |
| 00:46:26 |
"Step away from the chip, sir"! |
| 00:46:30 |
We have to have people go |
| 00:46:35 |
His own dogs didnt' give a shit. |
| 00:46:43 |
You need a dog that cares. |
| 00:46:50 |
"What's wrong, Lassie? |
| 00:46:52 |
"and you did the Heimlich"? |
| 00:46:54 |
"What else, girl"? |
| 00:46:58 |
"Mr. Channey is meeting |
| 00:47:03 |
"An Enron employee |
| 00:47:07 |
"What about the Harken loan"? |
| 00:47:09 |
"Sorry, girl, we gonna |
| 00:47:13 |
Oh, Kenny Boy. |
| 00:47:25 |
Welcome, boys and girls, |
| 00:47:28 |
Investment pirates of the Caribbean. |
| 00:47:32 |
Your money checks in, |
| 00:47:38 |
Sometimes you catch George unprepared |
| 00:47:41 |
- Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? |
| 00:47:47 |
And everybody in the room went... |
| 00:47:50 |
Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! |
| 00:47:54 |
All throughout the Middle East... |
| 00:48:00 |
Hide the women and children and |
| 00:48:04 |
And you can't bomb the Afghanis |
| 00:48:07 |
because they'll go |
| 00:48:11 |
Today's bombing raid has enlarged the |
| 00:48:15 |
We have moved trouble |
| 00:48:18 |
Goat in the upper right corner, |
| 00:48:21 |
or "concubine", we're not sure. |
| 00:48:23 |
We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise |
| 00:48:27 |
Operation "Extreme Redundancy" |
| 00:48:31 |
Then we started to drop bombs, |
| 00:48:37 |
And here's the fun part. |
| 00:48:38 |
Some of the bombs were |
| 00:48:41 |
and the food packages were |
| 00:48:43 |
So now you're playing |
| 00:48:47 |
"OK Bob, I was here yesterday... |
| 00:48:52 |
And what was in those packages? |
| 00:48:56 |
Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, |
| 00:48:57 |
and all you need is honey-baked ham |
| 00:49:03 |
Who dropped the honey-baked ham |
| 00:49:08 |
Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts |
| 00:49:12 |
Number one, it tastes a shit load |
| 00:49:16 |
Number two and more importantly, |
| 00:49:17 |
very difficult |
| 00:49:20 |
with a mouth full of peanut butter. |
| 00:49:29 |
Secondly, or thirdly, |
| 00:49:34 |
Afghanistan is a hasheesh |
| 00:49:37 |
And everyone who's ever been |
| 00:49:40 |
"Pop-Tarts"! |
| 00:49:50 |
Yes! Got milk? |
| 00:49:54 |
We're trying to win hearts |
| 00:49:58 |
Do we build an amusement park |
| 00:50:03 |
Do we have a wet burger contest? No! |
| 00:50:06 |
Do we play Cat Stevens |
| 00:50:15 |
Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No! |
| 00:50:17 |
Do we have a children show |
| 00:50:22 |
What we must do is we gotta get |
| 00:50:27 |
You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. |
| 00:50:30 |
You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? |
| 00:50:32 |
One of those bitches you |
| 00:50:36 |
Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go, |
| 00:50:38 |
"Girl, you don't have to dress |
| 00:50:45 |
"You don't have to be |
| 00:50:51 |
"If he picks up a rock, cause |
| 00:50:53 |
you pick a bigger rock and say |
| 00:50:59 |
"He tries to cut off your clitoris, |
| 00:51:01 |
you grab a knife and say |
| 00:51:04 |
"Don't make me go cobra, I will go |
| 00:51:09 |
We're dealing with fundamentalists... |
| 00:51:11 |
The Amish are fundamentalists, |
| 00:51:13 |
and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. |
| 00:51:15 |
And, if you're ever in Amish |
| 00:51:18 |
with his hand buried in a |
| 00:51:25 |
Who are we looking for? |
| 00:51:28 |
Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children. |
| 00:51:31 |
Even Freud would say, |
| 00:51:34 |
What does he look |
| 00:51:36 |
Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? |
| 00:51:39 |
I know this he's a six foot five |
| 00:51:43 |
Why is that so fucking hard to find? |
| 00:51:46 |
Look for somebody attached |
| 00:51:53 |
When you see the tapes |
| 00:51:59 |
Wait a minute. |
| 00:52:03 |
Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around |
| 00:52:06 |
Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", |
| 00:52:09 |
You give Ted a mailing list |
| 00:52:13 |
Ted, these people have been bad. |
| 00:52:15 |
- Are they bad? |
| 00:52:17 |
- I just want a few things. |
| 00:52:21 |
Or we get Charles Manson. Great |
| 00:52:26 |
You can't use him. |
| 00:52:27 |
Chucky all the time |
| 00:52:29 |
with a swastika on his forehead. |
| 00:52:32 |
- I'm better. |
| 00:52:34 |
- What would you do if you got out? |
| 00:52:39 |
What are we dealing with? |
| 00:52:42 |
One of the fundamental |
| 00:52:45 |
Sounds like a country |
| 00:52:50 |
And if you are in a Jihad |
| 00:52:52 |
which, I'm sad to say, is all of us, |
| 00:52:55 |
and you yourself die... |
| 00:52:57 |
you go to heaven |
| 00:52:58 |
by 71 dark-haired virgins. |
| 00:53:01 |
Now everyone who's ever been |
| 00:53:02 |
"I don't know..." |
| 00:53:06 |
"For my talent portion..." |
| 00:53:11 |
Recently, there was a |
| 00:53:14 |
a Coran scholar said |
| 00:53:15 |
"The actual translation is not |
| 00:53:18 |
"but 71 crystal clear raisins". |
| 00:53:25 |
Slight difference in |
| 00:53:28 |
It's like finding out "thou shalt not |
| 00:53:33 |
And the Scotish are going, |
| 00:53:37 |
Imagine some guy blows himself up, |
| 00:53:40 |
- Where are my bitches? |
| 00:53:44 |
Or 71 Virgils going, |
| 00:53:50 |
Ossama Bin Laden goes |
| 00:53:53 |
there's George Washington waiting, |
| 00:53:54 |
"How dare you defile that |
| 00:53:56 |
and starts violating on his ass. |
| 00:53:58 |
70 other members of the Congress |
| 00:54:02 |
And then he's going, |
| 00:54:04 |
"71 Virginians, you asshole"! |
| 00:54:12 |
"I must talk to Jesus Christ"! |
| 00:54:14 |
"Where is Jesus Christ"? |
| 00:54:16 |
And Saint Peter goes, |
| 00:54:24 |
I heard it. Finally the PCs. |
| 00:54:28 |
We crossed |
| 00:54:29 |
It's OK to beat the shit out of them, |
| 00:54:37 |
How Buddhist of you! |
| 00:54:39 |
Remember when they |
| 00:54:41 |
What did Buddha do? |
| 00:54:43 |
What does the Buddhist terrorist do? |
| 00:54:45 |
Goes in the middle of the street, |
| 00:54:48 |
People're killing each other |
| 00:54:51 |
"What the fuck are you doing"? |
| 00:54:53 |
"Making you deal |
| 00:54:55 |
I don't understand the whole |
| 00:54:58 |
I'm an Episcopal. |
| 00:55:02 |
Same religion, half the guilt. |
| 00:55:06 |
Catholics have confession, |
| 00:55:09 |
Thanks Giving, your dad |
| 00:55:13 |
"I never loved you mother, |
| 00:55:17 |
"I didn't, dad. And she's |
| 00:55:22 |
Episcopal is basicly Church of |
| 00:55:26 |
breaking away from the Catholic Church |
| 00:55:31 |
Then people broke |
| 00:55:34 |
the Calvinists found him |
| 00:55:36 |
Then the Puritans broke away from |
| 00:55:41 |
people so uptight, the |
| 00:55:44 |
How anal do you have to be for the |
| 00:55:50 |
"Take your pimp shoes and go"! |
| 00:55:53 |
And they land here in |
| 00:55:56 |
"We bring you guilt, |
| 00:56:00 |
"Here chief, try this |
| 00:56:03 |
"keep moving towards your |
| 00:56:06 |
And the Indians go |
| 00:56:08 |
"For us is a sacred herb. For you |
| 00:56:14 |
"Tobacco is a lot of fun. |
| 00:56:28 |
"Welcome to Custers. |
| 00:56:32 |
"This is my wife, |
| 00:56:36 |
"It is now time for the |
| 00:56:38 |
"and we'll get back the land |
| 00:56:42 |
The Puritans stayed here |
| 00:56:47 |
and then we got the people |
| 00:56:51 |
at 6:30 in the morning |
| 00:56:52 |
"Have you found Jesus"? |
| 00:56:55 |
You just wanna come to |
| 00:56:57 |
"No, help me look for him! |
| 00:57:03 |
People like Pat Robinson |
| 00:57:06 |
"This was brought upon |
| 00:57:09 |
I wanna put them on a plane, |
| 00:57:11 |
and have world wide |
| 00:57:14 |
"One time only. A life after death |
| 00:57:19 |
"Let's get ready to humble"! |
| 00:57:21 |
Here's the drill. Fundamentalists |
| 00:57:25 |
Not translatable, not metaphorical, |
| 00:57:28 |
In the Genesis, "Let there be light"! |
| 00:57:31 |
"No. God just went click". |
| 00:57:36 |
We are all descendant from Adam |
| 00:57:39 |
"That's right"! |
| 00:57:46 |
There are miracles in the Bible. |
| 00:57:48 |
Like when Moses, and I'm not |
| 00:57:52 |
Not Charlton Heston going, |
| 00:57:54 |
"Let the Jews go or the pharaoh |
| 00:57:57 |
Charlton Heston, |
| 00:57:58 |
"Guns don't kill people. |
| 00:58:03 |
No, Chucky! The second amendment |
| 00:58:06 |
started from people |
| 00:58:08 |
And that still continues. |
| 00:58:10 |
When Moses said to pharaoh |
| 00:58:14 |
And pharaoh went |
| 00:58:16 |
And Moses called the God, |
| 00:58:20 |
And frogs fell from the sky. |
| 00:58:23 |
Or maybe there were Jews |
| 00:58:28 |
Thank God it wasn't the French, |
| 00:58:34 |
"You're great caterers, I can't |
| 00:58:39 |
Frogs fell from the sky. I would |
| 00:58:45 |
I said wait a minute! That's what |
| 00:58:48 |
Not bombs, not food... |
| 00:58:52 |
Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, |
| 00:58:56 |
If you wanna get people out |
| 00:59:05 |
NY rats would be going |
| 00:59:09 |
"I eat pussy literarly. |
| 00:59:13 |
Even then pharaoh was not impressed |
| 00:59:18 |
And then boils and |
| 00:59:21 |
"That's it! Hebrews get out"! |
| 00:59:23 |
And everybody... |
| 00:59:26 |
"Let's not wait for the bread to rise". |
| 00:59:28 |
"Just get the crackers and the skin |
| 00:59:33 |
Excuse me! Why the skin |
| 00:59:35 |
"We're travelling, people. |
| 00:59:39 |
"And this is so passe! The dicky |
| 00:59:43 |
We're going to the desert. |
| 00:59:45 |
that would be ajusted later |
| 00:59:49 |
And they get to the Red Sea. |
| 00:59:52 |
And they go "What now, |
| 00:59:55 |
We're gonna walk on the |
| 00:59:59 |
Frogs backs! |
| 01:00:00 |
Thank you for watching me this far. |
| 01:00:05 |
Obviously, I did inhale. |
| 01:00:11 |
"What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"? |
| 01:00:13 |
And he calls to God again |
| 01:00:17 |
And even the most doubting |
| 01:00:21 |
Let's move, don't eat the shellfish, |
| 01:00:28 |
Where are we going? |
| 01:00:29 |
"To Jerusalem to start |
| 01:00:32 |
"and later to Miami |
| 01:00:39 |
And then the pharaoh comes, the sea |
| 01:00:43 |
but the cat-like God can't do shit, |
| 01:00:50 |
And then there's another miracle. |
| 01:00:53 |
The night that Mary said to Joe |
| 01:00:59 |
Joe went "Holy Mother of God"! |
| 01:01:03 |
- Oh, Jesus Christ! |
| 01:01:08 |
"That is so much better |
| 01:01:11 |
- I love you, Joe! |
| 01:01:14 |
- So I'm the step father of God's kid? |
| 01:01:16 |
"I can't discipline him, |
| 01:01:18 |
cause he'll look to me saying |
| 01:01:21 |
- How did it happen? |
| 01:01:24 |
"It better be, Mary! |
| 01:01:28 |
I'm sorry I'm transforming |
| 01:01:35 |
Up to that point, all the names |
| 01:01:39 |
You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee |
| 01:01:44 |
We're just a hyphenate away |
| 01:01:48 |
We could've had Jim Bob, |
| 01:01:52 |
Praise to him, Jim-Bob. |
| 01:01:55 |
He, who finds the stuff |
| 01:02:01 |
Jesus was an only child. |
| 01:02:05 |
Who would want to be Jerry, |
| 01:02:10 |
That's a tough gig. |
| 01:02:13 |
"Come on, Jerry, |
| 01:02:14 |
"Jesus's gonna walk on the water, |
| 01:02:17 |
"and get a whole buch |
| 01:02:19 |
"I'll sat there with a rash and sand |
| 01:02:24 |
He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going |
| 01:02:32 |
"Yeah, I healed sombody. Come |
| 01:02:38 |
"Jesus is a carpenter, I'm |
| 01:02:44 |
And people say to me Jesus wasn't |
| 01:02:48 |
Thirty years old, single, living |
| 01:02:52 |
Working in his father's business, |
| 01:02:54 |
his mother thought he was |
| 01:02:58 |
It's an old tradition! |
| 01:03:01 |
And if he was Jewish, and many |
| 01:03:04 |
for the Last Supper, would they |
| 01:03:08 |
"Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on |
| 01:03:11 |
"OK, you come in now". |
| 01:03:12 |
"You're twelve. All I got is two |
| 01:03:17 |
"I got one big table by the window, |
| 01:03:27 |
"You are glowing, so I guess we won't |
| 01:03:31 |
"You've just turned a Szechwan chicken |
| 01:03:36 |
It's said that night, Jesus |
| 01:03:41 |
and said "One of you |
| 01:03:43 |
Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"? |
| 01:03:47 |
Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"? |
| 01:03:51 |
And Judas said |
| 01:03:53 |
And Jesus turned to him |
| 01:03:58 |
Thus you see |
| 01:04:00 |
Jewish sarcasm and gentile |
| 01:04:04 |
The next day the miracle occured. |
| 01:04:09 |
and he rose again from the |
| 01:04:12 |
another 2,000 years of guilt. |
| 01:04:15 |
For me, the one big question is how |
| 01:04:19 |
and then chocholate bunnies, |
| 01:04:24 |
How do you do that one? |
| 01:04:26 |
Even kids are going "Rabbits |
| 01:04:31 |
And you don't want a kid bitting |
| 01:04:35 |
You don't want a cream |
| 01:04:39 |
You don't wanna put raspberry |
| 01:04:41 |
"We're looking for Jesus, |
| 01:04:44 |
What are we trying to do? |
| 01:04:48 |
That's why we have all the saints |
| 01:04:52 |
They're all there |
| 01:04:55 |
And then we're starting |
| 01:04:57 |
Like Saint Christopher... |
| 01:04:58 |
"Chris, sorry, babe. |
| 01:05:03 |
"The medals aren't selling well". |
| 01:05:05 |
"Drop the kid off your back, pick |
| 01:05:08 |
"We're gonna have Saint Prada, |
| 01:05:12 |
But I want a saint |
| 01:05:15 |
She said "You can do only |
| 01:05:19 |
And Pat Robinson said |
| 01:05:22 |
"Why? Cause she doesn't have |
| 01:05:26 |
Mother Teresa never had a line |
| 01:05:30 |
"Compassion" by Mother Teresa. |
| 01:05:33 |
"I smell, because I care. |
| 01:05:37 |
Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"... |
| 01:05:40 |
"Whether you're simply not eating or |
| 01:05:45 |
"They come in size one and below". |
| 01:05:49 |
Gandhi was an amazing man. |
| 01:05:51 |
They asked him "What do you |
| 01:05:54 |
He said "I think it would |
| 01:05:57 |
As beatific as Gandhi was, there |
| 01:06:03 |
"I know Gandhi. |
| 01:06:08 |
"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, |
| 01:06:12 |
"He kept saying |
| 01:06:18 |
"I saw that with my eyes". |
| 01:06:19 |
"If you don't believe me, I'll |
| 01:06:24 |
"Don't press this. |
| 01:06:28 |
"Don't go ding-dong, |
| 01:06:31 |
"Cause India has the |
| 01:06:33 |
"I could turn this whole |
| 01:06:36 |
India has the bomb. |
| 01:06:38 |
And we're prepared |
| 01:06:40 |
And your president probably thought |
| 01:06:45 |
India detonated |
| 01:06:49 |
Pakistan detonated |
| 01:06:52 |
And your spy satelites were |
| 01:06:54 |
They didn't have a fucking clue. |
| 01:06:58 |
India has the bomb. |
| 01:07:01 |
China has the bomb. |
| 01:07:02 |
Or maybe they just have one |
| 01:07:06 |
Russia has the bomb. |
| 01:07:11 |
"We don't know |
| 01:07:15 |
Maybe you want a dirty bomb. |
| 01:07:20 |
And the French have a bomb, too. |
| 01:07:23 |
Maybe they have the Michelin |
| 01:07:26 |
restaurants under four stars. |
| 01:07:29 |
They still test their bombs. |
| 01:07:32 |
Where did they do |
| 01:07:34 |
In the Sahara, |
| 01:07:35 |
No, fuck off! |
| 01:07:40 |
Why? |
| 01:07:44 |
"Oh, look a Green Peace |
| 01:07:46 |
"Fuck off, I sink you". |
| 01:07:48 |
"I'm the baddest mother |
| 01:07:50 |
"Look, I'm giving a |
| 01:07:55 |
"Suck on the cigarette. |
| 01:08:00 |
"You, Americans. |
| 01:08:06 |
"Americans, you politically correct. |
| 01:08:10 |
"We hate all of you. |
| 01:08:12 |
"The Germans are here... |
| 01:08:17 |
"I love you! |
| 01:08:24 |
"Welcome back, Americans"! |
| 01:08:27 |
"You can build a Disneyland |
| 01:08:31 |
"We won't go, but build it". |
| 01:08:33 |
"It will have a Minnie mouse with |
| 01:08:38 |
Smoking a Galloise, going |
| 01:08:42 |
"He has three fingers. What am I, |
| 01:08:47 |
"Don't love him"! |
| 01:08:54 |
But there is one country |
| 01:08:57 |
the Swiss, ya! |
| 01:09:01 |
If there's ever a nuclear war, |
| 01:09:03 |
"What was that noise"? |
| 01:09:06 |
In their big hollowed out country, |
| 01:09:08 |
with their chocholate |
| 01:09:11 |
The nice Germans. Ya! |
| 01:09:14 |
Or, as they like to say, |
| 01:09:18 |
I have only one question. |
| 01:09:20 |
How can you trust an army, that |
| 01:09:27 |
"Many of you, men, have never |
| 01:09:34 |
"You take out the wine bottle, |
| 01:09:39 |
"I don't know, but I've been told, |
| 01:09:43 |
My God! Where did all this |
| 01:09:49 |
And all these jewelry |
| 01:09:53 |
Fairies must've brought |
| 01:09:56 |
I have to do the Heimlich and |
| 01:10:01 |
I know this one thing... |
| 01:10:03 |
I know there's one country that is not |
| 01:10:07 |
That does not have a secret |
| 01:10:11 |
Jamaica! |
| 01:10:15 |
Jamaica would never make |
| 01:10:18 |
They may make |
| 01:10:22 |
But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong |
| 01:10:25 |
there's devastation and radiation. |
| 01:10:28 |
When the atomic bong goes off, |
| 01:10:37 |
Smokes a split for the communion. |
| 01:10:39 |
If you don't see Jesus then, |
| 01:10:44 |
I know only one thing. |
| 01:10:47 |
I never met me |
| 01:10:50 |
I never met a man who said |
| 01:11:10 |
"Oh, fuck"! |
| 01:11:14 |
"What was I gonna do"!? |
| 01:11:17 |
"Hold me, you piece of shit. |
| 01:11:19 |
Because you see, |
| 01:11:27 |
I know this one. |
| 01:11:38 |
If you smoke a lot of pot, you may |
| 01:11:40 |
Or maybe... |
| 01:11:43 |
If you seen some of the things that |
| 01:11:50 |
"The Mars lander..." |
| 01:11:53 |
"I did the calculations in feet," |
| 01:11:56 |
"but I programmed |
| 01:12:03 |
"So, instead of landing, |
| 01:12:06 |
"185 million dollars... oopsy"! |
| 01:12:10 |
"Two years... splat"! |
| 01:12:12 |
"OK, fuck! |
| 01:12:17 |
"The Hubble Telescope..." |
| 01:12:19 |
"I forgot to put in a lens". |
| 01:12:23 |
Read the top line. |
| 01:12:27 |
"The rest is just a black hole". |
| 01:12:30 |
I once called Steven Hawking's house, |
| 01:12:33 |
- Yes, I'd like to leave a message. |
| 01:12:39 |
I know one thing though. |
| 01:12:41 |
Pot is not like alcohol. |
| 01:12:45 |
Go to a bar at happy hour and see |
| 01:12:50 |
See those guys going, |
| 01:12:54 |
"Hey, listen to me". |
| 01:12:58 |
"Listen to me, you piece of shit". |
| 01:13:02 |
"You do not know shit |
| 01:13:09 |
"You want a piece of yourself"? |
| 01:13:13 |
"Step outside, I'll kick my ass". |
| 01:13:16 |
"I've already shit myself, |
| 01:13:22 |
Some people know, |
| 01:13:25 |
If you're Irish, you've |
| 01:13:27 |
that you can do it |
| 01:13:29 |
If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass |
| 01:13:35 |
"Oh, the night you |
| 01:13:37 |
"I knocked you down |
| 01:13:44 |
And then you keep drinking 'til you're |
| 01:13:48 |
doing liver dancing |
| 01:13:52 |
And they say the Irish |
| 01:13:54 |
drank a couple of Guiness |
| 01:13:56 |
and forgot where they fucking put it. |
| 01:13:58 |
The Japanese drink |
| 01:14:04 |
You could be polite during the day |
| 01:14:06 |
and all of a sudden you're |
| 01:14:09 |
And after five Jack Daniels... |
| 01:14:17 |
Karaoke for |
| 01:14:21 |
"Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"! |
| 01:14:25 |
And If you want a linguistic adventure, |
| 01:14:31 |
Cause you can't fucking |
| 01:14:35 |
You land in Scotland |
| 01:14:39 |
- Oh, yeah. |
| 01:14:47 |
- Sure. |
| 01:14:55 |
- Sure! |
| 01:15:02 |
And you realize how drunk they get, |
| 01:15:06 |
And how they could invent |
| 01:15:10 |
Here's my idea for a fucking sport. |
| 01:15:14 |
I knock a ball in a gopher hole. |
| 01:15:17 |
- Oh, you mean like pool? |
| 01:15:20 |
Not with a straight stick, |
| 01:15:24 |
I whack the ball, it goes |
| 01:15:28 |
- Oh, you mean like croquet? |
| 01:15:32 |
I put the hole hundreds |
| 01:15:36 |
Oh, fuck yeah! |
| 01:15:43 |
- Oh, like a bowling thing? |
| 01:15:46 |
Not straight, |
| 01:15:50 |
Like trees and bushes and high grass. |
| 01:15:53 |
So you can lose you fucking ball. |
| 01:15:55 |
And go hacking away |
| 01:15:58 |
Whacking away, and each time you miss |
| 01:16:03 |
Fuck that's what we'll |
| 01:16:06 |
cause each time you miss you |
| 01:16:10 |
Oh great, oh and here's the |
| 01:16:14 |
Right near the end, |
| 01:16:17 |
with a little flag to |
| 01:16:20 |
But then I'll put a |
| 01:16:24 |
to fuck with your ball again! |
| 01:16:26 |
You'll be there trashing your ass, |
| 01:16:31 |
- And you do this one time? |
| 01:16:35 |
Eighteen fucking times! |
| 01:16:49 |
There you have a sport! |
| 01:16:52 |
The manly sport of golf, |
| 01:16:53 |
where you can dress like a |
| 01:16:56 |
Where even a blind gay man would go, |
| 01:17:02 |
"Those are loud, this is not carnival! |
| 01:17:06 |
Even the aligator's going, |
| 01:17:11 |
It's such an athletic sport, |
| 01:17:16 |
Whack the ball, |
| 01:17:19 |
And the commentary's electrifying. |
| 01:17:22 |
Just this side of Curling, |
| 01:17:25 |
"We're on the third green now". |
| 01:17:29 |
"Could people be quieter, |
| 01:17:34 |
I want the guy who does Mexican |
| 01:17:39 |
"The ball is rolling, |
| 01:17:42 |
"Hole"! |
| 01:17:53 |
Just to see all those |
| 01:17:55 |
"Oh, dear Christ"! |
| 01:17:58 |
"My God, they're not gardening, |
| 01:18:02 |
"What the hell are we gonna do"? |
| 01:18:06 |
It was their area. |
| 01:18:08 |
Up until... Tiger! |
| 01:18:14 |
Son of a black man |
| 01:18:17 |
Not even a German geneticist |
| 01:18:21 |
Black athletic ability, |
| 01:18:29 |
Crouching Potter. |
| 01:18:32 |
And then he goes |
| 01:18:34 |
and he plays at Saint Andrews, |
| 01:18:38 |
And after the forth round, |
| 01:18:41 |
And there's only 18 fucking holes. |
| 01:18:44 |
And all the old men are going, |
| 01:18:49 |
"How did he learn to play? |
| 01:18:53 |
And they start having nightmares |
| 01:18:59 |
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through," |
| 01:19:01 |
"Whether you're a gentile or a Jew." |
| 01:19:03 |
"Purple beats, motherfucker"! |
| 01:19:14 |
All of your gentle sports are no longer |
| 01:19:21 |
Until the Williams sisters... |
| 01:19:29 |
- 40, love? |
| 01:19:34 |
Even boxing's changed. |
| 01:19:36 |
Remember boxing, people go, "I go |
| 01:19:40 |
Like saying, |
| 01:19:42 |
"to see people take |
| 01:19:45 |
No, you go to boxing to see |
| 01:19:49 |
Even the guy who loses is going, |
| 01:19:53 |
"I don't know where it fucking is..." |
| 01:19:56 |
"I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, |
| 01:20:03 |
Boxing was the same. |
| 01:20:08 |
Mike Tyson comes along |
| 01:20:11 |
Let's get ready to nibble! |
| 01:20:15 |
All these guys're going, |
| 01:20:17 |
I'm saying, "You're lucky |
| 01:20:19 |
"Mike just got out of prison. |
| 01:20:23 |
You bite somebody in jail its like, |
| 01:20:27 |
- Break it up! |
| 01:20:29 |
Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna |
| 01:20:32 |
At that point I'm going, "Someone |
| 01:20:36 |
Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I |
| 01:20:41 |
I'm going, |
| 01:20:44 |
There's all these drugs, |
| 01:20:48 |
I wanna have one drug |
| 01:20:50 |
Call it "Fuck It All". |
| 01:20:53 |
I don't feel anything, I don't |
| 01:20:58 |
The closest thing to a coma |
| 01:21:02 |
I'm sitting here in my own dong, |
| 01:21:06 |
The scary thing about drugs is that |
| 01:21:10 |
"May cause artificial insemination". |
| 01:21:15 |
What? |
| 01:21:17 |
There's a product called Olestra, |
| 01:21:20 |
Olestra? What is that? |
| 01:21:22 |
It said on the little side of the chips, |
| 01:21:28 |
That's not a side effect |
| 01:21:33 |
I think that's an effect, really! |
| 01:21:37 |
"Fire in the hole"! |
| 01:21:42 |
- How you're doing, Bob? |
| 01:21:47 |
Bob, you wanna get out |
| 01:21:54 |
I want science to help me. |
| 01:21:59 |
I had women in NY saying |
| 01:22:03 |
The politically correct... red paint |
| 01:22:07 |
I'm a fucking Chia pet. |
| 01:22:10 |
I've gone to the zoo |
| 01:22:20 |
Anybody who thinks the |
| 01:22:22 |
go and watch the monkeys wait |
| 01:22:25 |
Watch the fun. |
| 01:22:29 |
"Wait for it". |
| 01:22:33 |
"Wait 'til the teacher comes |
| 01:22:38 |
"Now"! |
| 01:22:49 |
Cause they're not happy. |
| 01:22:51 |
Even the poor animals |
| 01:22:54 |
she must mate, so you can |
| 01:22:56 |
They go to China, |
| 01:22:59 |
which is kinda redundant... |
| 01:23:02 |
They bring him back to America |
| 01:23:06 |
When his Chinese name was |
| 01:23:09 |
"Bear with Balls of Steel". |
| 01:23:11 |
They put him in the cage with |
| 01:23:14 |
He looks at her like, |
| 01:23:20 |
"That is one ugly panda bitch". |
| 01:23:24 |
"If you were a panda, you'd know that's |
| 01:23:29 |
"I wouldn't have fucked her |
| 01:23:33 |
"Fuck off"! |
| 01:23:35 |
"I would rather lick my own balls, |
| 01:23:41 |
There's only one animal |
| 01:23:44 |
if she's happy |
| 01:23:47 |
That is Coco, |
| 01:23:49 |
She saw me, |
| 01:23:53 |
She was intrigued. |
| 01:23:55 |
She said to her trainer... |
| 01:23:57 |
- What does that mean? |
| 01:23:59 |
OK, I tickle her... |
| 01:24:02 |
Then she goes... |
| 01:24:04 |
- What does that mean? |
| 01:24:08 |
I lift my shirt, she reaches out |
| 01:24:13 |
And when an 800 pound |
| 01:24:17 |
you listen! |
| 01:24:19 |
Then my balls went, |
| 01:24:24 |
- Should we go to phase two? |
| 01:24:30 |
"I repeat! |
| 01:24:34 |
"This may feel like a human, but |
| 01:24:37 |
"This is not a human"! |
| 01:24:40 |
"Do not go to phase two"! |
| 01:24:42 |
"Warning! Warning"! |
| 01:24:44 |
She must've sense something, |
| 01:24:47 |
takes me in the back. |
| 01:24:50 |
I'm expecting the crocodile |
| 01:24:53 |
"Oh, cranky! She wants |
| 01:24:59 |
"Watch out, boys and girls. |
| 01:25:03 |
"This could be like that time I |
| 01:25:10 |
But part of me went, |
| 01:25:15 |
Make a great story for a bar. |
| 01:25:18 |
A guy's going "I had |
| 01:25:21 |
"Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla". |
| 01:25:26 |
"Where's everybody going"? |
| 01:25:30 |
And you don't want that |
| 01:25:37 |
"Don't call me"! |
| 01:25:41 |
Maybe it's because I'm 50. |
| 01:25:43 |
When you hit 50, the old machinery |
| 01:25:46 |
You be at a public rest room going, |
| 01:26:14 |
"Oh, boy"! |
| 01:26:17 |
What's happened is your prostate |
| 01:26:22 |
When you're in your 40s, you go to |
| 01:26:27 |
First time is "Oh, my God"! |
| 01:26:28 |
"I'm just putting on the |
| 01:26:31 |
I went back the second time and |
| 01:26:34 |
Don't do that! |
| 01:26:37 |
- Who's Dr. Smith? |
| 01:26:41 |
When a woman has to |
| 01:26:44 |
you don't want a doctor |
| 01:26:46 |
You don't want a gynecologist |
| 01:26:50 |
You don't want somebody going, |
| 01:26:55 |
"Wow, what's this"?! |
| 01:27:01 |
"Is this your card"? |
| 01:27:03 |
I don't want a doctor who's a |
| 01:27:09 |
"How you're doing today"? |
| 01:27:10 |
"Take your hand out of my ass. |
| 01:27:14 |
In your 50s it's no longer the... |
| 01:27:20 |
The colonoscopy. |
| 01:27:22 |
It's a video camera |
| 01:27:26 |
And it's going up you! |
| 01:27:29 |
Suddenly, you're your own |
| 01:27:33 |
"Slowly, we're going up |
| 01:27:37 |
"This must be what you see". |
| 01:27:39 |
"Slowly up ahead, |
| 01:27:44 |
- Is that a polyp? |
| 01:27:48 |
They go further up your ass, |
| 01:27:51 |
Now you're a fucking party favour. |
| 01:27:56 |
Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! |
| 01:28:02 |
You feel like a Pinata, |
| 01:28:04 |
are gonna come out and go, |
| 01:28:07 |
The air is coming this way. |
| 01:28:12 |
"It's not a... No finger! |
| 01:28:15 |
"Fall back behind the shit, |
| 01:28:19 |
"Prepare to make |
| 01:28:22 |
Because the moment they pull that |
| 01:28:31 |
"Rolling, rolling, rolling |
| 01:28:38 |
Fourty miles, blowing outta you! |
| 01:28:45 |
You put on your pants and you're floating |
| 01:28:50 |
"Coming about, Jimmy. |
| 01:28:53 |
And then you realize... |
| 01:28:57 |
"Tighten up boys, we're not |
| 01:29:00 |
"Thank you, doctor. |
| 01:29:06 |
"Hold the elevator"! |
| 01:29:09 |
"Fuck you, you bastard"! |
| 01:29:16 |
Seven flights of stairs. |
| 01:29:19 |
Everybody you pass, |
| 01:29:22 |
Dogs look at you like |
| 01:29:26 |
You just wanna borrow a match. |
| 01:29:30 |
Flaming asshole. |
| 01:29:32 |
That's what you are. You're |
| 01:29:37 |
And can they make a drug |
| 01:29:40 |
to keep all of your organs intact |
| 01:29:44 |
Can they make a drug to give you |
| 01:29:45 |
mental clarity to your |
| 01:29:49 |
They've got a drug to make you |
| 01:29:54 |
Grandpa can have wood again. |
| 01:30:01 |
- I don't need the walker! |
| 01:30:04 |
And your grandmother's going |
| 01:30:05 |
"Shit! I thought the war was over"! |
| 01:30:08 |
"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna |
| 01:30:19 |
People have died on Viagra. |
| 01:30:24 |
"Oh, dear God, I don't |
| 01:30:29 |
"Kids, go get some horse shoes". |
| 01:30:32 |
"He would've wanted it that way". |
| 01:30:35 |
You used to get that from some |
| 01:30:39 |
Like humming bird |
| 01:30:43 |
To give you great masculinity. |
| 01:30:45 |
But now you're on Viagra. |
| 01:30:51 |
You are "the Inseminator"! |
| 01:30:54 |
You are ready to go! |
| 01:30:56 |
You're gonna be going for one |
| 01:31:02 |
Guys are going "Yeah"! |
| 01:31:06 |
Cause after the first hour, |
| 01:31:10 |
"Yay, oh, big daddy..." |
| 01:31:15 |
"Listen, I got shit to do, OK"? |
| 01:31:23 |
"Hello"? |
| 01:31:25 |
"Yeah, I'll be late today. |
| 01:31:31 |
"I'll try and get there. |
| 01:31:36 |
You can't go outside with a hard-on |
| 01:31:37 |
cause the cat just |
| 01:31:41 |
And your dog is going, |
| 01:31:44 |
Can't go to work like |
| 01:31:45 |
- Hey, Bob! |
| 01:31:47 |
"I'm happy to be here today"! |
| 01:31:50 |
Direct traffic, |
| 01:31:52 |
You have to make it |
| 01:31:54 |
It's like one of those |
| 01:31:59 |
"I'm not going anywhere"! |
| 01:32:03 |
You have to finish it off. |
| 01:32:06 |
In the old days was... |
| 01:32:09 |
Now, after an hour and a half, |
| 01:32:11 |
you've got more semen |
| 01:32:14 |
So, when you go, it's like... |
| 01:32:17 |
Oh, my eyes! |
| 01:32:19 |
And your wife goes, "Now you |
| 01:32:25 |
"Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"! |
| 01:32:29 |
"I'm like a Lawn Boy! |
| 01:32:31 |
"Save yourselves"! |
| 01:32:33 |
- Not the drapes! |
| 01:32:41 |
You run out of semen and |
| 01:32:43 |
"We still got an erection, chief"! |
| 01:32:46 |
"Give me blood, give me urine, |
| 01:32:53 |
"Oh, God, please make |
| 01:32:59 |
You do every goofy, |
| 01:33:22 |
"Don't touch it"! |
| 01:33:30 |
"Don't look at it"! |
| 01:33:34 |
"Don't even think about it"! |
| 01:33:37 |
And then you realize that God, |
| 01:33:40 |
gave you a penis and a brain. |
| 01:33:43 |
And only enough blood |
| 01:33:52 |
You have lost thoughts |
| 01:33:59 |
And then you hear these |
| 01:34:01 |
"My turn"! |
| 01:34:06 |
"You can't fucking be serious"! |
| 01:34:11 |
"Look at me, I'm Goo Boy! |
| 01:34:15 |
"That's right, Corky! |
| 01:34:18 |
"We're heading South of the border". |
| 01:34:20 |
"You gotta please Missy". |
| 01:34:23 |
I have one question for the ladies... |
| 01:34:25 |
Do we look like this? |
| 01:35:21 |
"Are you almost there"? |
| 01:35:24 |
"No, no, no. |
| 01:35:28 |
"I love you"! |
| 01:35:31 |
"I love you! |
| 01:35:36 |
"I can take it. |
| 01:35:42 |
"Who's your daddy"? |
| 01:35:44 |
"I love you"! |
| 01:35:47 |
"I will finish". |
| 01:36:02 |
Good night! |
| 01:36:40 |
Thank you! |
| 01:36:47 |
Thank you! |
| 01:36:50 |
This night for New York! |
| 01:36:53 |
What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? |
| 01:36:57 |
Good night! |
| 01:37:03 |
You're the best! |
| 01:37:06 |
We did it! |
| 01:37:14 |
My pink lady... |
