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00:01:59	- Yes?
00:02:01	That's right.
00:02:04	I'm Milo Tindle.
00:02:06	Oh, yes, good.
00:02:13	Glad to meet you.
00:02:17	You got the train to Charlebury,
00:02:19	- I drove.
00:02:21	That's my car.
00:02:23	Oh, the little one?
00:02:25	- Not the big one.
00:02:28	What do you think of it?
00:02:34	- Very handsome.
00:02:35	It is, isn't it?
00:02:40	Come in.
00:02:47	I was watching a video
00:02:56	Like the house?
00:02:58	Extraordinary.
00:02:59	You know who designed it,
00:03:03	Yes, your wife.
00:03:06	You knew?
00:03:08	Yes, I knew.
00:03:09	I'll show you around later.
00:03:12	Have a drink. I'm drinking vodka.
00:03:13	- Scotch, please.
00:03:16	Milo, what an interesting name.
00:03:20	My father's Italian.
00:03:23	Milo sounds Hungarian.
00:03:25	Does it?
00:03:27	Here's your Scotch.
00:03:32	Cheers.
00:03:34	Cheers.
00:03:37	You sure your father
00:03:40	Well, if he is,
00:03:44	- And your mother?
00:03:46	So you're a kind of half-breed?
00:03:50	Sit down.
00:03:59	- Thanks for agreeing to see me.
00:04:02	I didn't know you wrote plays
00:04:05	I don't. I write crime novels.
00:04:07	I had heard.
00:04:08	But sometimes they're adapted
00:04:12	You know what the word
00:04:14	Adapted?
00:04:16	They may not have such a word
00:04:19	- I speak English.
00:04:22	Come and have a look
00:04:34	These are all my novels.
00:04:36	You've read them, I suppose?
00:04:39	Afraid not.
00:04:41	Good God, no?
00:04:43	- Rat in a Trap?
00:04:45	- The Obelisk?
00:04:47	- Blackout?
00:04:48	- Dead Fish?
00:04:51	God, you're one in a million.
00:04:53	- Am I?
00:04:57	You see this shelf?
00:05:00	Translations.
00:05:01	French, Dutch, German.
00:05:05	You speak Dutch yourself, do you?
00:05:07	Yes, how did you know?
00:05:10	Can't see any Italian translations.
00:05:12	No, they're a funny lot, the Italians.
00:05:17	Their salami's good, though.
00:05:18	- Oh, is it?
00:05:21	Did you bring any with you?
00:05:23	- No, I left it at home.
00:05:26	We're gonna have it
00:05:27	With a couple of bottles
00:05:29	- We?
00:05:34	Your glass is empty.
00:05:37	- Scotch.
00:05:51	I want to come to the point.
00:05:53	Point? What point?
00:05:55	Are you gonna give Maggie
00:05:57	And if not, why not?
00:05:58	Yeah, yes, yes, we'll come to that.
00:06:01	She thinks
00:06:03	So do I.
00:06:05	She's never coming back to you,
00:06:08	It'll do her good to wait for five years.
00:06:12	You're going to make her wait
00:06:15	- That's the law. The law of the land.
00:06:18	Anyway, we'll get back to that,
00:06:26	What do you do, by the way?
00:06:28	I'm an actor.
00:06:30	Good God. Are you really?
00:06:33	I thought Maggie said
00:06:36	She must have been talking
00:06:38	You mean another friend?
00:06:40	Another friend?
00:06:41	She tends to have
00:06:43	- Does she?
00:06:45	I'm her only friend.
00:06:46	She must be lonely.
00:06:48	She's not.
00:06:50	Acting is a pretty precarious
00:06:54	What are you acting in
00:06:56	I'm out of work.
00:06:58	Poor chap.
00:06:59	I drive cars now and again,
00:07:02	- Oh, tough life.
00:07:06	What sort of parts do you play?
00:07:10	Killers, mostly.
00:07:12	Sex maniacs, perverts.
00:07:15	But you're so charming.
00:07:17	Yes, I know.
00:07:20	What's your position, exactly?
00:07:22	All in good time.
00:07:33	Come in.
00:07:42	Have a seat.
00:07:52	I understand you're fucking my wife.
00:07:54	- That's right.
00:07:56	Yes, right.
00:07:58	- So we've cleared that up.
00:08:00	- I thought you might deny it.
00:08:03	- Well, she is my wife.
00:08:06	Oh, she's fucking you too?
00:08:09	- Sorry.
00:08:11	- You take turns?
00:08:13	- That's what people do.
00:08:20	- We're in love.
00:08:23	That's right.
00:08:28	Let me top you up.
00:08:39	I heard a rumor
00:08:42	- That can't be true, can it?
00:08:44	In this day and age,
00:08:47	Isn't it a bit old hat?
00:08:48	- Is it?
00:08:50	I wouldn't go near it if I were you.
00:08:53	You can't marry her
00:08:55	Unless I divorce her, of course.
00:08:57	- And are you?
00:08:59	Going to divorce her?
00:09:01	Are you really gonna
00:09:03	- She wants to know.
00:09:06	But there are one or two things
00:09:09	For example, I've never heard
00:09:14	My father's name is Tindolini.
00:09:16	Now, that's lovely.
00:09:19	Why don't you go back to Tindolini?
00:09:22	- You think so?
00:09:24	So if and when you marry Maggie,
00:09:29	Do you get a kick out of that?
00:09:32	What name do you act under?
00:09:35	- Tindle.
00:09:37	You will before long.
00:09:38	- Really?
00:09:40	- That sounds threatening.
00:09:42	Doesn't it?
00:09:46	Why don't we get down
00:09:49	Brass tacks, yes. Why not?
00:09:54	This is the way I see it.
00:09:57	Come upstairs.
00:09:59	I want to show you something.
00:10:06	Are you all right in elevators?
00:10:12	It won't make you sick
00:10:27	This is our bedroom.
00:10:34	And this is my wife's dressing room.
00:10:41	She left a few dresses.
00:10:45	They're worth thousands.
00:10:48	This leather coat alone
00:10:52	So you see, the thing is this.
00:10:59	The thing is this,
00:11:02	So if you're not careful,
00:11:06	She was born to luxury, you know.
00:11:10	What are you?
00:11:14	You're out of your depth, old boy.
00:11:17	If you think you're broke now...
00:11:19	...you'll be 10 times broker
00:11:22	She'll have your guts for garters.
00:11:25	- She's in love with me.
00:11:29	Love will kick you up the arse
00:11:32	One minute, it's love,
00:11:35	That's your own experience, is it?
00:11:37	Oh, no, no, no, that's observation.
00:11:40	Don't forget, I'm a novelist.
00:11:43	I observe people.
00:11:46	What I'm getting at is you won't
00:11:49	So she's gonna leave you,
00:11:52	I don't want her near me.
00:11:55	I've had her up to here.
00:11:57	Anyway, I've got this lovely mistress.
00:12:01	She's my girl.
00:12:03	So you see,
00:12:06	I want you two
00:12:09	But unless you listen to me...
00:12:10	...the whole thing
00:12:13	...with catastrophic consequences
00:12:17	But I have a solution.
00:12:26	You won't believe
00:12:31	What are you gonna say?
00:12:33	I'm all ears.
00:12:35	You know something?
00:12:37	I'm beginning to respond
00:12:39	- Get away.
00:12:41	- I'm really touched.
00:12:45	Tell me, I bet you didn't expect me
00:12:48	So quick-witted, did you?
00:12:50	Oh, I did.
00:12:52	Quite.
00:12:56	Maggie told you, did she?
00:13:01	What's your solution?
00:13:08	It's a close fit, isn't it?
00:13:10	For two.
00:13:20	Listen, I'm going
00:13:25	A few years ago,
00:13:28	Amazingly expensive.
00:13:30	I didn't give them to her, I own them.
00:13:34	But I let her use them
00:13:38	They're worth 1 million pounds.
00:13:41	They spend half the time in the bank,
00:13:44	At the moment, they're here
00:13:49	And I want you to steal them.
00:13:58	- Steal them?
00:14:01	- What the hell do you mean?
00:14:04	You want me to steal the jewels?
00:14:07	It's simple. You steal the jewels,
00:14:10	...and you live happily ever after
00:14:12	I get rid of my wife
00:14:15	You can keep Maggie in the manner
00:14:19	You want me to take part
00:14:22	...to defraud your insurance company,
00:14:25	I thought it was quite elegant.
00:14:26	What do you think I am?
00:14:28	What the fuck
00:14:31	- These are real facts.
00:14:33	- No.
00:14:35	- A trap?
00:14:36	Well, are you?
00:14:38	- It doesn't hold up.
00:14:39	They're worth a million pounds. You'd
00:14:43	I have already contacted
00:14:46	And he will give you
00:14:52	Now, think about it.
00:14:54	Eight hundred thousand pounds...
00:14:57	...tax-free.
00:15:02	Why would he do that?
00:15:03	When you steal the jewels,
00:15:06	So he'll have title to the jewels
00:15:10	...so that when he sells them,
00:15:16	Got it?
00:15:18	Think about it.
00:15:20	Take your time.
00:15:40	And why would you do all this?
00:15:43	Listen, under this crooked exterior,
00:15:48	Every word I've told you is true,
00:15:52	I want to get rid of my wife,
00:15:58	I don't want her on my back.
00:16:01	This is a frame-up.
00:16:02	- A frame-up?
00:16:05	You want to destroy me.
00:16:08	You want to see me in jail.
00:16:09	You want me to do this
00:16:13	No, no, no.
00:16:14	If I shop you, then you'll shop me,
00:16:19	No, I take a strictly moral position
00:16:21	My wife is an adulteress.
00:16:24	Actually,
00:16:26	Anyway, it's up to you.
00:16:29	You're asking me to trust you?
00:16:31	I don't give a fuck
00:16:33	This is a simple proposition.
00:16:34	You have an expensive woman
00:16:37	You wanna keep the woman,
00:16:40	Why don't you steal the jewels
00:16:44	Don't be a bloody fool.
00:16:46	The burglary has to be right.
00:16:50	- Why don't you break into it?
00:16:53	How can I break into it? I live here.
00:17:24	Okay.
00:17:25	If I were to agree to do this,
00:17:31	Why should I give her the divorce...
00:17:33	...if you're both walking away
00:17:35	She wants a legal settlement.
00:17:38	- She wants part of your estate.
00:17:40	That's legal justice.
00:17:42	Never trust in legal justice.
00:17:45	You know what legal justice is?
00:17:47	It's farting "Annie Laurie"
00:17:52	Listen, 800,000 pounds...
00:17:57	...tax-free.
00:17:58	All yours, in cash.
00:18:00	- Why don't you stop pissing around?
00:18:04	You get a million
00:18:07	Sure I do.
00:18:09	Well, all right, I'll be frank.
00:18:12	I need it. Cash flow,
00:18:16	Get me? Quid pro quo.
00:18:19	You do me a favor, I do you a favor,
00:18:25	Okay.
00:18:27	Let's make a deal.
00:18:29	- What deal?
00:18:32	And you agree to the divorce.
00:18:37	That's the deal. Otherwise, fuck it.
00:18:41	But you have to shake on it.
00:18:45	All right.
00:18:48	I'll shake on it.
00:18:49	Here's my hand.
00:18:53	Okay.
00:18:57	Okay. So, what do I do?
00:19:00	You break in.
00:19:02	You see that skylight up there?
00:19:04	Well, that window there is the only one
00:19:09	You get in there.
00:19:10	- That's pretty high up.
00:19:13	- I'm not good at heights.
00:19:16	Honestly, I know you can.
00:19:18	- You're having me on.
00:19:21	A man of action.
00:19:22	You don't have to be a hairdresser
00:19:25	You can be free, independent,
00:19:30	Listen...
00:19:32	Put this on.
00:19:33	I use it to communicate
00:19:41	Lovely. Actually, it suits you.
00:19:45	This is what you do. You go outside.
00:19:47	Across the lawn, there's a shed.
00:19:51	You take the ladder, put it up
00:19:54	...and I direct you
00:19:57	- Are you with me?
00:20:01	- But I'm anxious and frightened.
00:20:04	- But I don't.
00:20:06	Just follow my advice.
00:20:10	We have to convince
00:20:13	...and the police,
00:20:15	Maggie never told me
00:20:20	She told me
00:20:22	But she never told me
00:20:24	- She told you I was no good in bed?
00:20:27	She was joking.
00:20:31	I must tell her.
00:20:45	- There's the shed across the lawn.
00:20:48	- There's the ladder behind the shed.
00:20:52	The ladder.
00:20:55	Inside the shed,
00:20:58	Put them on. By the gardening gloves,
00:21:01	You go round the back of the house.
00:21:03	Put the ladder up against the wall
00:21:05	Then, carry the hammer up the ladder
00:21:09	Then, you pull the ladder up
00:21:11	...and break the skylight window
00:21:19	Wait a minute.
00:21:23	What?
00:21:25	Once I'm in,
00:21:28	Didn't I tell you? Oh, sorry.
00:21:30	You see that small metal door
00:21:33	Inside, there's an electric ladder.
00:21:35	You get through the window,
00:21:37	The ladder descends.
00:21:39	- You get on and climb down.
00:21:41	- What?
00:21:43	Sure.
00:22:00	See? Easy as pissing.
00:22:08	- I have a funny feeling that I'm a cunt.
00:22:12	But so what?
00:22:16	Obey the rules. Just obey the rules.
00:22:19	- Whose rules?
00:22:24	Go and get the other ladder.
00:22:56	Can you see the ladder?
00:23:01	Can I see the ladder?
00:23:16	Place the ladder against the wall.
00:23:19	Okay.
00:23:24	Extend the ladder.
00:23:25	Okay.
00:23:31	- Climb up the ladder.
00:23:39	Climb up the ladder.
00:23:41	Why am I doing this?
00:23:57	Keep calm. Keep calm.
00:24:00	Keep coming. Keep coming.
00:24:03	- Watch your step.
00:24:12	Keep calm.
00:24:56	- Watch your step.
00:25:00	Fuck.
00:25:03	Don't stop. Keep going.
00:25:06	Don't look down.
00:25:10	You're at the window.
00:25:12	Smash it.
00:25:24	Fantastic.
00:25:28	- Where's the ladder?
00:25:30	The ladder. Where's it gone?
00:25:31	It's not working. There was
00:25:35	I'll phone the electrician
00:25:37	In the morning? What about now?
00:25:39	No, he'll be in bed.
00:25:41	Early to bed, early to rise.
00:25:46	Charming wife, Debbie.
00:25:48	Oh, I've just remembered.
00:25:51	- He's taken the kids to Bermuda.
00:25:54	So I'm stuck up here
00:25:57	Have patience.
00:26:00	Works wonders. Oh, wait a minute.
00:26:03	There's an emergency button
00:26:07	That's it. Just press it...
00:26:09	...and all will be well.
00:26:13	There it is.
00:26:22	Careful. Be careful.
00:26:27	That's it.
00:26:30	- Careful.
00:26:32	Jump.
00:26:36	- Oh, Christ!
00:26:39	- Very, very impressed.
00:26:42	- You will.
00:26:45	- You open the safe.
00:26:48	Wait a minute.
00:26:50	You've got to find it,
00:26:52	Where is it?
00:26:56	- How are you feeling?
00:26:58	- Excited?
00:27:01	You're a cool customer, I like that.
00:27:04	Open the wardrobe.
00:27:06	Throw things around.
00:27:07	You're looking for the safe.
00:27:10	Play it for real.
00:27:13	You're a desperate man.
00:27:16	Safes are always kept
00:27:19	What are you doing?
00:27:20	I'm a desperate man, aren't I?
00:27:23	The man is a barbarian.
00:27:25	- Where's the fucking safe?
00:27:30	- It's locked.
00:27:37	And this is where I hear you.
00:27:40	You hear me?
00:27:41	Yes, I'm asleep in the study.
00:27:46	I can't sleep in the bed
00:27:50	I hear you, I come into the bedroom.
00:27:53	And I find you.
00:27:55	And then?
00:27:57	- I attack you.
00:27:59	Like this. And this.
00:28:06	- That hurt.
00:28:12	Then, you get out your knife.
00:28:15	I don't have a knife.
00:28:20	I do.
00:28:21	- You threaten me with it.
00:28:24	No, I'm playing you.
00:28:26	You want to know
00:28:28	...what the combination is,
00:28:32	- Take it easy.
00:28:34	I'm unpredictable.
00:28:36	And I'm certainly
00:28:40	But you? You're obstinate.
00:28:43	- Me or you?
00:28:47	Now, the jewels
00:28:51	You won't give in...
00:28:53	...but I get out my gun.
00:29:00	I'm still you, by the way.
00:29:03	But then, to make it clear
00:29:09	Bull's-eye.
00:29:12	Bull's-eye.
00:29:15	Finally, you give in.
00:29:18	...you show me where the safe is.
00:29:23	Magic.
00:29:24	And you're so frightened,
00:29:27	19-11-94. Open it.
00:29:31	Wait a minute. Am I me now?
00:29:33	- Or are you me?
00:29:36	- You're now you.
00:29:37	- No, no.
00:29:40	You're now you. And I'm now me.
00:29:45	Open the safe.
00:29:47	19-11-94.
00:29:51	It was our wedding day.
00:29:53	The 19th of November, 1994.
00:30:09	Jesus.
00:30:17	What do you think?
00:30:20	They're quite beautiful.
00:30:25	Put them in your pocket.
00:30:29	Eight hundred
00:30:32	That's what I said.
00:30:40	Okay.
00:30:45	So far, so good.
00:30:48	Hey, you'd better give me
00:30:50	- What fence?
00:30:53	Oh, that fence.
00:30:54	Listen, you put that gun down.
00:30:57	Why?
00:31:00	It's pointing directly at me.
00:31:04	Why not?
00:31:07	- Look, is this a game?
00:31:13	The real game has just begun.
00:31:17	What's the real game?
00:31:19	You and me.
00:31:22	You, defenseless. Me, with a gun.
00:31:27	It's the end of the jewelry story,
00:31:31	- Oh, is it?
00:31:33	I enjoyed it, though.
00:31:35	I'm not enjoying this.
00:31:36	I don't blame you.
00:31:40	What's it all about?
00:31:42	Oh, come on. Buck your ideas up.
00:31:46	You really didn't think I was gonna
00:31:53	You're joking.
00:31:56	You've been leading me
00:31:58	Right up.
00:32:01	Stand on the bed.
00:32:16	Listen. Wait a minute.
00:32:17	Before you do anything,
00:32:23	- What?
00:32:26	- Really?
00:32:27	She often says
00:32:29	...that you're a really decent guy.
00:32:32	She's right. I'm a really decent guy.
00:32:35	- I believe it.
00:32:36	I'm a really decent guy.
00:32:39	I know you are. I know you are.
00:32:40	And that's what she often says.
00:32:42	You're... She admires your mind.
00:32:44	- She admires my mind?
00:32:47	- Your mind excites her.
00:32:49	Very. Your mind
00:32:52	- What about my body?
00:32:54	Well, what does she say
00:32:59	Do you know,
00:33:02	You're a prick.
00:33:07	- Where does my prick come into it?
00:33:09	But I wasn't talking
00:33:12	- I was calling you a prick.
00:33:16	But you know
00:33:18	What?
00:33:19	- You're a dead duck.
00:33:22	This is the way
00:33:26	I find you in my house,
00:33:29	You open the safe,
00:33:31	You put them in your pocket.
00:33:32	I manage to grab the gun
00:33:36	There's a struggle.
00:33:38	Suddenly, I realize you're dead.
00:33:41	You're gonna shoot me.
00:33:43	- What do you think?
00:33:45	I planned all this from the word go.
00:33:49	I've always longed for
00:33:55	Especially a hairdresser
00:33:59	I'm not a hairdresser!
00:34:01	My wife is mine! She belongs to me!
00:34:05	And I'm her husband!
00:34:09	And what you've done is this.
00:34:14	You've invited yourself
00:34:20	Please.
00:34:22	No, don't do it.
00:34:24	Please don't shoot me, please!
00:34:29	That's all.
00:34:31	You're crazy.
00:34:32	No, you're not crazy.
00:34:35	I don't want your wife. I hate women.
00:34:37	You hear me?
00:34:39	You've absolutely
00:34:43	Women are not my scene.
00:34:47	Or a boy I knew at school.
00:34:50	I called him Dolores.
00:34:53	Honest. God's honor.
00:34:56	Do you believe in God?
00:37:38	Just shut up.
00:37:42	I'm asking the questions, not you.
00:37:46	- How long have you known him?
00:37:53	What are you? A joker?
00:38:41	Yes?
00:38:45	Andrew Wyke?
00:38:47	Yes.
00:38:48	Detective Inspector Black.
00:38:51	New Scotland Yard. Eddie Black.
00:38:55	I'd like a word with you.
00:38:58	A word?
00:38:59	That's right.
00:39:02	What about?
00:39:06	Can I come in?
00:39:09	Yes. Yes, of course.
00:39:14	Like a drink?
00:39:15	Got any beer?
00:39:17	Beer? Yes.
00:39:20	You're the writer.
00:39:22	You write crime books.
00:39:25	That's right.
00:39:27	I've read a couple.
00:39:30	Right on the button.
00:39:32	Oh, that's a great compliment.
00:39:36	How do you know so much about it?
00:39:38	What?
00:39:40	Villainy.
00:39:42	Crime. Horror.
00:39:46	Imagination.
00:39:49	Imagination.
00:39:51	Clever.
00:39:52	I do my best.
00:39:55	- Cheers.
00:40:03	I see you got
00:40:08	Tropical storm the other night.
00:40:10	Bit of a hurricane, terrifying.
00:40:13	A great branch broke off a big tree...
00:40:16	...and flew through the air
00:40:19	...as you can see.
00:40:21	Act of God.
00:40:22	Had it in for you, did he?
00:40:24	- Who?
00:40:26	Oh, yes, he's always been
00:40:29	You know what God's trouble is?
00:40:30	- What?
00:40:32	He has no family roots.
00:40:36	Nowhere to hang his hat,
00:40:40	That's a very interesting
00:40:43	Wait a minute.
00:40:46	No.
00:40:48	Not me, mate.
00:40:53	Haven't I seen your picture
00:40:58	Do you want to know
00:41:00	What?
00:41:03	Journalists are a bunch
00:41:07	No.
00:41:09	That's right.
00:41:10	I'm sorry, but isn't that
00:41:13	Is it?
00:41:17	So you're not well-known?
00:41:19	No, I'm a common-or-garden copper.
00:41:21	I just catch sex criminals, perverts...
00:41:25	...homicidal maniacs.
00:41:27	And what do you do with them
00:41:30	I generally cut their balls off.
00:41:34	I see.
00:41:44	So how can I help you?
00:41:48	Yes, I think you can help me.
00:41:50	How?
00:41:52	I'm looking into a disappearance.
00:41:54	Disappearance?
00:41:55	Man called Tindle. Milo Tindle.
00:41:58	Sorry, I didn't get the name.
00:42:02	Tindle.
00:42:05	Tindle. Tindle...
00:42:08	What about him?
00:42:10	Do you know him?
00:42:12	Know him? Absolutely not.
00:42:14	- You mean you've never met him?
00:42:16	Never even heard of him.
00:42:18	- That's funny.
00:42:20	Well, he was staying
00:42:23	...where he mentioned
00:42:25	...he was coming to see you
00:42:27	He hasn't been seen since.
00:42:28	His bag is still in his room,
00:42:31	He was coming to see me?
00:42:32	That's right.
00:42:34	He mentioned it to the landlord?
00:42:36	Why would he mention such a thing
00:42:38	Well, you're a famous writer
00:42:42	So how can you help me on this?
00:42:44	No one came to see me.
00:42:46	And I know no one called Tindle.
00:42:50	You don't, eh?
00:43:00	What are you? A joker?
00:43:03	What do you mean?
00:43:04	I mean you're pretty quick
00:43:07	You should have been
00:43:10	I can just see you doing pirouettes.
00:43:15	- Ever worn a pair of tights?
00:43:21	They'd suit you.
00:43:24	Nice house.
00:43:26	Thanks.
00:43:28	- Design it yourself?
00:43:31	No, no, I meant this. The inside.
00:43:34	That was my wife.
00:43:35	Oh, your wife.
00:43:38	No.
00:43:39	Popped up to London?
00:43:41	She's not here.
00:43:42	She's an interior decorator, then?
00:43:45	Something like that.
00:43:49	It's a great gift, isn't it?
00:43:53	You're a lucky man.
00:43:57	You got an ashtray?
00:44:05	I'm ready for another beer.
00:00:09	He said he heard shots.
00:00:12	Passed my house?
00:00:14	How could he do that?
00:00:17	He were taking a shortcut.
00:00:20	I think he's a poacher.
00:00:21	Anyway, says he heard shots.
00:00:24	What kind of shots?
00:00:26	Gunshots.
00:00:27	- Fantasy.
00:00:29	Bullshit. Codswallop.
00:00:31	Who is this man?
00:00:34	Oh, he exists, all right.
00:00:37	By the way, cheers.
00:00:38	Cheers.
00:00:44	I do want to ask you
00:00:56	Ask.
00:00:57	You do know your wife's
00:01:02	That is my business.
00:01:05	My private life is my business.
00:01:08	Do you know the name of this man?
00:01:09	Why should I answer
00:01:14	You don't have to,
00:01:21	I don't know the man's name.
00:01:24	I never asked.
00:01:28	So you do admit that your wife's
00:01:34	Yes. Yes.
00:01:37	So what?
00:01:40	Well, I can tell you the man's name.
00:01:50	It's Tindle.
00:01:53	Milo Tindle.
00:01:59	- Is it?
00:02:03	The bloke who's disappeared.
00:02:05	The bloke who said
00:02:09	We found this note in his room.
00:02:12	At the pub.
00:02:15	"I look forward to meeting you.
00:02:17	Come to the house Friday, 6:30.
00:02:21	Wyke."
00:02:23	Is this your handwriting?
00:02:27	- It is.
00:02:31	How could I forget?
00:02:32	You forgot earlier.
00:02:35	You said you didn't know him.
00:02:38	You said you'd never met him.
00:02:59	I was lying.
00:03:07	Lying to the police.
00:03:10	That will get you nowhere.
00:03:16	I don't understand you,
00:03:19	You're a clever man.
00:03:22	But you've made a balls-up
00:03:25	Have I?
00:03:26	Tindle came to see you
00:03:30	- I knew him as Tindolini.
00:03:32	- He had an Italian father.
00:03:34	A traditional
00:03:37	- Is he a hairdresser himself?
00:03:41	He didn't come all the way here
00:03:43	Not at all, not at all.
00:03:47	So, what did you two do
00:03:54	We played a game.
00:03:55	- A game?
00:03:58	- A lethal game?
00:04:00	Just a bit of fun, that's all.
00:04:02	Okay, a bit of fun.
00:04:05	So he came to see you.
00:04:07	You played a game
00:04:10	Three shots were fired,
00:04:14	So where is he?
00:04:15	- Probably cuddling my wife.
00:04:18	- How do you know?
00:04:20	He was nowhere in sight.
00:04:24	No. She's an anxious woman.
00:04:27	She knew he was coming
00:04:29	In fact, she insisted
00:04:33	...as I know you know.
00:04:38	She thinks you may have killed him.
00:04:41	She thinks you're round the bend.
00:04:45	She thinks
00:04:47	Me? She's joking.
00:04:50	So tell me, between ourselves...
00:04:54	...did you kill him?
00:04:58	I'll tell you exactly what I did.
00:05:00	I pretended to kill him.
00:05:03	I shot him with a blank.
00:05:07	Your man was right.
00:05:11	There were three shots.
00:05:12	The first two were real.
00:05:17	He was terrified.
00:05:20	When he came round
00:05:24	...he left the house, his tail, if you
00:05:28	And I haven't seen him since.
00:05:30	You gave him a pat on the bum?
00:05:33	Metaphorically.
00:05:34	You gave him
00:05:37	- Sure.
00:05:39	- What?
00:05:42	He was fine. He told me that
00:05:47	So this guy had a sense of humor,
00:05:50	Oh, yes. He left the house
00:05:53	So tell me,
00:05:56	Humiliation.
00:05:58	It's nice to see your wife's lover...
00:06:00	...a shivering, frightened,
00:06:03	As a matter of fact, I liked him.
00:06:05	I thought he was attractive.
00:06:07	I thought we could have
00:06:09	The shortest way to a man's heart,
00:06:14	It binds you together.
00:06:19	You found him attractive?
00:06:22	I put myself in my wife's shoes,
00:06:26	I was trying to find out
00:06:32	- And did you?
00:06:34	He was really terribly sweet.
00:06:37	- I could see why she fancied him.
00:06:42	- Really?
00:06:45	- Is that so?
00:06:47	Sumptuous. Ready for action.
00:06:51	I mean,
00:06:54	So guess what I detected.
00:06:58	What?
00:06:59	That she's in love
00:07:02	Makes her dizzy with excitement.
00:07:09	You detected all this
00:07:11	Well, 35. Perhaps even 45.
00:07:14	Well, let's call it 55
00:07:18	You stayed for tea?
00:07:19	And cakes.
00:07:23	Yeah.
00:07:29	Yeah.
00:07:30	Must be funny for you to know...
00:07:32	...your own wife's getting a going-over
00:07:36	Going-over? I don't follow.
00:07:38	You don't?
00:07:39	Not a phrase I'm familiar with.
00:07:41	- Means being fucked.
00:07:45	Yes, the old one-two.
00:07:48	I must say, you have
00:07:51	Did you learn it at school?
00:07:52	The hard school. Family life.
00:07:54	- But you keep cheerful.
00:07:57	I've got an optimistic nature.
00:08:00	You got to when you're a policeman.
00:08:03	No, I'll tell you
00:08:08	The chase. The thrill of the hunt
00:08:12	For instance,
00:08:18	Very attractive woman.
00:08:22	Wonderful legs.
00:08:28	She was crossing them at the time,
00:08:31	She suddenly said
00:08:38	Now, that really
00:08:41	Itch?
00:08:44	Twitch, mate.
00:08:47	Twitch.
00:08:50	So I'm looking at you
00:08:53	...what have you done
00:08:56	Where's the body?
00:08:59	Come on, I need to know.
00:09:01	Where's the body?
00:09:04	There's no body.
00:09:05	Don't fuck about!
00:09:07	Don't bullshit me.
00:09:09	Where is it?
00:09:12	There is no body!
00:09:22	Here, look at this.
00:09:28	They're bullet holes.
00:09:31	I fired two live bullets
00:09:34	...and one blank to complete it.
00:09:35	It was a game, I told you.
00:09:38	It's not worth playing
00:09:41	- The third shot was a blank?
00:09:43	- What's that?
00:09:45	Blood. Dried blood!
00:09:47	Some of it's not even dried.
00:09:49	- That's impossible.
00:09:51	- Whose blood is it?
00:09:53	It was a game. It was a blank.
00:09:55	No, it was a game
00:09:58	This is a carve-up.
00:09:59	Let's see what else
00:10:04	Hello, what's this?
00:10:06	We've got a shirt, jacket and trousers
00:10:10	Very negligent of you, mate,
00:10:13	No, I don't think they're yours.
00:10:18	You say he left the house
00:10:20	- Yes.
00:10:23	I don't know how those got there.
00:10:24	So you made him strip
00:10:27	Part of the humiliation, was it?
00:10:29	No. The thing is this.
00:10:31	It might have started as a game,
00:10:34	The third shot was live!
00:10:36	It killed him. So where's the body?
00:10:40	I didn't kill him! He's alive!
00:10:42	Bollocks. You're a joker, all right.
00:10:45	A real joker.
00:10:46	Come on, we're off to the station.
00:10:48	- There's something very wrong here.
00:10:51	I'll tell you what you are.
00:10:55	Jesus Christ.
00:10:56	Don't struggle, chum.
00:10:58	There's something wrong here.
00:11:00	You're up shit creek, Wyke.
00:11:07	Look at you. All aquiver.
00:11:12	Who's the dead duck?
00:11:17	Jesus Christ.
00:11:22	You're the dead duck.
00:11:29	I just sucked you in
00:11:35	- It's you.
00:11:37	You bastard. You stinking bastard.
00:11:39	Just a little game, Andrew.
00:11:41	- Just a little game.
00:11:43	- I thought it might amuse you.
00:11:46	I know I am.
00:11:47	- But you're also a genius.
00:11:53	When did you do this?
00:11:56	- The blood?
00:11:59	But when did you do it?
00:12:01	I did it last night. I used that ladder.
00:12:04	Does Maggie know about this?
00:12:07	- How much does she know?
00:12:10	Entirely my own idea.
00:12:13	This is a game between us, old boy.
00:12:16	Between you and me.
00:12:19	Don't forget, I'm half Italian.
00:12:22	We go in for revenge.
00:12:37	After all, you frightened
00:12:41	You fired two live bullets
00:12:44	...and then you pointed
00:12:48	And then you fired.
00:12:54	I don't like guns.
00:12:57	They kill you.
00:13:02	Okay.
00:13:04	So, what does this make the score?
00:13:08	You've had your revenge.
00:13:10	So, what do you reckon?
00:13:14	One set all?
00:13:17	No, no, you're way ahead.
00:13:20	I only teased you with my inspector,
00:13:25	But you frightened me to death.
00:13:29	Did you really think
00:13:32	You fainted, you see.
00:13:37	I may be three games up
00:13:40	If I had killed you...
00:13:41	...I'd have to bury the body
00:13:45	Too exhausting.
00:13:46	But you won the first, 6-Iove.
00:13:52	So we're a long way
00:14:01	By the way, I spoke to Maggie.
00:14:04	I told her all about you.
00:14:08	She loved it.
00:14:10	Loved what?
00:14:12	That I frightened the life out of you.
00:14:15	That you pissed your pants.
00:14:18	And that you actually fainted.
00:14:21	She said to me,
00:14:24	I said, "Dead out,
00:14:28	Went out like a light."
00:14:31	She laughed so much,
00:14:40	Oh, incidentally,
00:14:44	Oh, is she?
00:14:46	Yes, that's right.
00:14:48	You know what she said about you?
00:14:50	What?
00:14:51	She said:
00:14:52	"Faint heart never won fair lady."
00:14:58	Is that a fact?
00:15:00	Yeah.
00:15:03	Listen, I want to
00:15:07	Go into your study and sit down.
00:15:13	Go into my study?
00:15:16	And sit down.
00:15:22	- What are you doing?
00:15:25	You're reading a book under a lamp.
00:15:27	- What's going on?
00:15:30	It's late at night.
00:15:33	You hear something. You look up.
00:15:35	It's me jumping off the ladder.
00:15:37	You see me with this gun.
00:15:39	You're caught like a rat in a trap.
00:15:43	I've come for the jewels.
00:15:44	- Where is the safe?
00:15:46	The jewels. Where's the safe?
00:15:48	- You know where it is.
00:15:49	- You don't?
00:15:52	Get up.
00:15:54	You think this gun isn't real?
00:15:59	Where is it?
00:16:02	- Upstairs.
00:16:05	Get up these stairs
00:16:11	- The safe is behind the fish tank.
00:16:14	Well, you press the button
00:16:17	Then press it.
00:16:20	It's not working. It's out of ord...
00:16:24	Are you a maniac? You're crazy.
00:16:25	- Open it.
00:16:28	- What is it?
00:16:31	- Remember.
00:16:33	Remember!
00:16:37	What are you doing?
00:16:39	I've broken into your house because
00:16:44	I have inside information.
00:16:47	Remember the combination
00:16:57	It was a blank.
00:17:00	The next one's real.
00:17:20	There's a good boy.
00:17:40	So, what are you writing
00:17:48	What am I writing?
00:17:50	Yes, I'm very interested in literature.
00:17:56	Do you mind if I have a drink?
00:17:59	Sure. It's your house.
00:18:03	I'm always interested
00:18:08	Like I'm always interested
00:18:13	Are you really?
00:18:16	Well, well.
00:18:19	Cheers.
00:18:27	So, what are you writing?
00:18:36	It's the story of a pathological killer.
00:18:40	- I call it The Smiling Man.
00:18:43	He dies during the act of love.
00:18:46	Countless others, eh?
00:18:48	I can see you've researched
00:18:51	- What subject?
00:18:55	Isn't that a beautiful notion?
00:18:59	Can you imagine
00:19:02	- I can't, no.
00:19:05	- You're a married man, aren't you?
00:19:09	It was love at first sight.
00:19:11	- Very moving.
00:19:12	And we're still in love.
00:19:15	Someone told me
00:19:17	- She has, yeah.
00:19:20	No, I've never met him.
00:19:23	Called Tandoori or something.
00:19:25	One of the Bombay Tandooris?
00:19:27	You've got it, yeah.
00:19:30	You know something? I've never met
00:19:33	That's fantastic.
00:19:36	- What's your background?
00:19:38	- You.
00:19:41	Spanish descent.
00:19:43	My grandparents were slaves.
00:19:45	My mother was a dark-eyed,
00:19:48	- Were you breastfed?
00:19:53	Shall I tell you what I want you to do
00:20:00	What?
00:20:14	You look so charming.
00:20:25	How do you want it?
00:20:27	Like this?
00:20:29	Or shorter?
00:20:32	How about this?
00:20:37	- You're hurting me.
00:20:41	- Yes. Don't hurt me.
00:20:44	Very. Very.
00:20:47	I wouldn't want to hurt you,
00:20:49	You're too much fun.
00:20:52	- Am I really?
00:20:56	I like that. Yeah.
00:21:00	Do you know something?
00:21:03	I don't think
00:21:09	You're right. Take them off.
00:21:16	I don't...
00:21:18	I don't think this bracelet
00:21:24	But the necklace is nice.
00:21:28	I'm not totally sure.
00:21:29	Listen, you can play with these jewels
00:21:34	They're yours.
00:21:41	But I thought you'd just stolen them.
00:21:45	No, no! It was a game!
00:21:47	It was just a game!
00:22:09	Well...
00:22:13	Aren't you the wicked one?
00:22:24	You remember what I said?
00:22:27	You won the first set, 6-Iove.
00:22:30	Well, now it's one set all.
00:22:45	But who's going to win the third set?
00:22:50	Remains to be seen.
00:23:11	You like games, don't you?
00:23:14	Some. Not all.
00:23:17	But you like being in charge...
00:23:19	...of the game?
00:23:23	Oh, yes. Sure.
00:23:27	I like a man who wants
00:23:30	- Do you?
00:23:34	Listen, you've met my wife, I think.
00:23:37	I have met her. Yes.
00:23:41	- Did she say if she had a husband?
00:23:44	Yeah, she said she had a husband.
00:23:48	How did she describe him?
00:23:53	Remote. Cold.
00:23:55	Malevolent. Spiteful.
00:23:59	Arrogant. Ruthless.
00:24:01	Jealous. Paranoid.
00:24:03	Criminal tendencies.
00:24:07	That's me, all right.
00:24:13	You know something?
00:24:16	- Do you really?
00:24:19	I like the way you go about things.
00:24:23	You mean you like my style?
00:24:26	Oh, I like your style.
00:24:28	I like it very much.
00:24:32	Look, I want to
00:24:37	What?
00:24:41	I want to show you something.
00:24:47	- Can't you put that gun down now?
00:24:51	God, you're so strong, so ruthless,
00:24:54	Yes.
00:24:55	Have you any idea
00:24:58	- No.
00:25:01	I'd say intrigued.
00:25:02	I think you're going to be excited
00:25:05	This is the guest suite.
00:25:10	Isn't it nice? Look at the view.
00:25:15	There's a private bathroom.
00:25:17	A bottle of Chilean Chardonnay
00:25:23	This suite is uninhabited.
00:25:28	It has no occupant.
00:25:35	How would you like it?
00:25:40	Me?
00:25:44	Yes, yes.
00:25:45	I think I've come to the conclusion
00:25:53	Am I, now?
00:25:55	Well, I told you.
00:25:58	I need intellectual excitement.
00:26:02	Intellectual stimulation.
00:26:06	Well, they don't grow on trees.
00:26:09	I'm a rich man.
00:26:12	What do you want to do?
00:26:14	I can subsidize anything you want.
00:26:17	You want to open a bookshop
00:26:21	An art gallery?
00:26:25	You're a wonderful actor.
00:26:26	You could choose all the plays
00:26:32	But this would be your home.
00:26:41	And this would be your bedroom.
00:26:48	You're asking me to live here?
00:26:53	Yes, I'm asking you to stay with me.
00:26:58	Oh, we would also travel.
00:27:02	I bet you're a wonderful skier,
00:27:04	You could ski
00:27:06	Swim in the blue Caribbean.
00:27:09	I'd be waiting at our table
00:27:13	Or a chilled Chilean Chardonnay.
00:27:18	The world would be your oyster.
00:27:22	But what about Maggie?
00:27:26	Forget her.
00:27:28	Let her rot.
00:27:31	Stay with me.
00:27:33	You're my kind of person.
00:27:43	It's quite tempting.
00:27:56	Hello?
00:27:58	Hi.
00:28:01	It's going okay.
00:28:06	We're still talking.
00:28:10	We're on the right track.
00:28:14	Don't come down.
00:28:16	That would be a mistake.
00:28:21	I love you too.
00:28:25	I am.
00:28:27	I'm kissing you.
00:28:30	Oh, yes.
00:28:33	I can taste your mouth.
00:28:40	What the hell did she want?
00:28:43	She wants that divorce.
00:28:47	What about my proposition?
00:28:53	Well, I like the idea of Jamaica.
00:28:56	- What about Barbados?
00:28:59	Yeah, it's true. There's so many
00:29:02	Hollywood. Saint Petersburg.
00:29:05	The Côte d'Azur, Coney Island.
00:29:08	And I hear there's that wonderful hotel
00:29:12	- That's where the queen lives.
00:29:15	- It's on if you know the queen.
00:29:17	I do.
00:29:19	That's fantastic.
00:29:24	But seriously, though.
00:29:26	We could have
00:29:28	Venice? Disneyland?
00:29:31	Whatever you want.
00:29:33	Whoever you want.
00:29:35	I could introduce you
00:29:38	Kissinger? Dick Cheney?
00:29:41	Madonna? Mike Tyson?
00:29:42	- Yes.
00:29:44	I must say, that as offers go...
00:29:49	...it's quite tempting.
00:29:55	You're a naughty tempter,
00:30:00	I'm so glad you like my mind.
00:30:04	Quite a few people like my body...
00:30:07	...but I can't think of anyone
00:30:10	That makes you unique.
00:30:14	But then, of course,
00:30:17	The mind is the body.
00:30:20	Is that what they say?
00:30:21	Somebody said something like it once.
00:30:25	Perhaps I am your sort of person.
00:30:30	But you would have
00:30:35	For instance,
00:30:49	You can get your own drink.
00:30:51	No, you get it for me
00:30:55	- Nice to me?
00:30:57	Whisky, please.
00:31:17	Can't deny, I can be
00:31:22	I really... I can't deny it.
00:31:27	I could be quite a witty companion.
00:31:34	Would you like a witty companion?
00:31:39	- Very much.
00:31:44	Would that suit you?
00:31:47	Some people hate wit in the morning.
00:31:52	I love wit in the morning.
00:31:56	Over boiled eggs?
00:32:00	Do you like eggs?
00:32:02	Absolutely.
00:32:08	I'm a dab hand in the kitchen.
00:32:12	But you have to be nice to me
00:32:41	You see?
00:32:44	You can be really sweet...
00:32:47	...when you put your mind to it.
00:32:49	Cheers.
00:32:56	Listen, I can see what you're saying.
00:32:59	I can see why
00:33:03	I can see that you're Ionely.
00:33:05	That you need looking after.
00:33:09	You need someone
00:33:13	Don't you?
00:33:15	I do.
00:33:24	Hello? Darling.
00:33:27	What?
00:33:31	Oh, is that so?
00:33:33	Are you?
00:33:38	I see.
00:33:40	Are you sure?
00:33:42	I see.
00:33:44	I got it.
00:33:48	I told you I got it. I understand.
00:33:52	Okay.
00:33:54	- Okay, I'll tell him.
00:34:01	- That she loves you.
00:34:05	- What else did she say?
00:34:08	- Nothing?
00:34:09	Listen, for chrissake,
00:34:13	I'm offering you something special.
00:34:17	We seal it with a handshake.
00:34:21	We cut her out, you understand?
00:34:25	Don't let her dominate you.
00:34:27	- Be independent. Be free.
00:34:30	That's right. Be free like me.
00:35:09	I've always been attracted...
00:35:13	...to rich and powerful men.
00:35:17	Rich and powerful men
00:35:20	...like a jelly on a plate.
00:35:23	But you're not a girl.
00:35:26	Tickles the old cobblers, money.
00:35:30	- Girls don't have cobblers.
00:35:39	But you're not a girl.
00:35:42	I may be once.
00:35:45	Back in the good old days.
00:35:50	Maybe the good old days
00:35:53	Who knows?
00:35:56	Look...
00:36:01	I'd really like to see your bed.
00:36:05	I mean, let me be quite clear.
00:36:08	This looks a very nice bed indeed.
00:36:13	But yours is bigger.
00:36:18	- Can I take another look?
00:36:24	Is this how you do it?
00:36:32	Miraculous.
00:36:45	I could really get to like this.
00:36:48	Of course,
00:36:54	Is this where she took
00:36:57	Is this where your wife
00:36:59	Is this where you were deflowered?
00:37:04	It's a lovely bed.
00:37:07	So bouncy.
00:37:16	I'm so touched that you've
00:37:21	In your life.
00:37:24	I'm touched.
00:37:37	Take your hand off me.
00:37:42	Take your hand off me.
00:37:47	Fuck off. Fuck off, you big poof!
00:37:50	Jesus. I come here
00:37:53	As a totally respectable individual.
00:37:56	A humble part-time hairdresser.
00:38:00	You try to seduce me.
00:38:03	You're a menace.
00:38:04	Also, you're a cunt.
00:38:09	Well, now you really are charming.
00:38:13	- Know who's gonna love this story?
00:38:15	- This one. This one.
00:38:17	- Maggie.
00:38:19	By the way, she asked me
00:38:21	- What?
00:38:24	- She's on her way.
00:38:27	- That's what she told me.
00:38:30	Well, you've got her. She's all yours.
00:38:33	She loves your money, baby.
00:38:38	I don't want her.
00:38:45	- What are you doing with that coat?
00:38:48	Tell Maggie I'll be in touch.
00:38:50	I want to have a drink with her.
00:38:55	How do you like me in this coat?
00:39:03	Goodbye, darling.
00:39:10	Wait a minute.
00:39:13	Yes? What?
00:39:23	Goodbye, darling.

Sleuth