Spaceballs

en
00:03:30 - Colonel Sandurz!
00:03:35 You told me to let you know the moment
00:03:39 - So?
00:03:42 You're really a Spaceball.
00:03:44 - You know that, don't you?
00:03:47 - Have you notified Lord Helmet?
00:03:50 Make way for Dark Helmet.
00:03:52 All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
00:04:42 I can't breathe in this thing!
00:04:45 - We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
00:04:48 I'll call Spaceball City
00:04:51 I already called him, sir.
00:04:56 What?
00:04:58 You went over my helmet?
00:05:00 Not exactly over, sir.
00:05:03 I'll always call you first.
00:05:08 Oh, shit!
00:05:10 No, no, no, no! No, no!
00:05:12 Please, please, please! No, no, not that!
00:05:17 Yes, that.
00:05:37 - Sandurz!
00:05:39 I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
00:05:41 We have it on the radar screen.
00:05:45 - Nah, I'll do it myself.
00:05:51 What's the matter with this thing?
00:05:55 No, sir. We call it... Mr Coffee.
00:05:58 Care for some?
00:06:00 Yes!
00:06:02 - I always have coffee when I watch radar.
00:06:04 - Everybody knows that.
00:06:09 Now that I have my coffee,
00:06:12 Where is it?
00:06:14 - Right here, sir.
00:06:18 There it is. Planet Druidia.
00:06:20 And under the air shield
00:06:24 - We must get through the shield.
00:06:27 Once we kidnap the princess, her father'll
00:06:32 thereby destroying Planet Druidia
00:06:36 Everybody got that?
00:06:39 - Good. When will the princess marry?
00:06:42 Well, I hope it's a long ceremony,
00:06:54 Hot! Too hot!
00:07:12 Oh, if only your mother
00:07:16 - Everyone ready?
00:07:18 - No. Where's my droid of honour?
00:07:21 Dot!
00:07:23 Dot Matrix!
00:07:25 Oh, thank God.
00:07:27 - Where have you been?
00:07:30 Sorry. I had to make a pit stop.
00:07:32 I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
00:07:34 All right, people. It's magic time.
00:07:37 Right, everyone starting on the left foot.
00:07:40 - Daddy, that's your right foot.
00:07:56 Daddy?
00:07:59 - Must I go through with this?
00:08:12 But, Daddy?
00:08:15 I don't love him.
00:08:17 I'm sorry, Vespa.
00:08:30 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
00:08:35 to witness Princess Vespa,
00:08:39 going right past the altar,
00:08:44 Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
00:08:47 Hey, wait! You forgot to get married.
00:08:50 Will you stop?
00:08:52 - What are you doing?
00:09:06 Where is she going?! Where is she going?
00:09:12 Come ba...
00:09:15 ..ck!
00:10:11 Barf...
00:10:15 Barf.
00:10:18 Ba-arf!
00:10:21 Huh?
00:10:26 - Barf?
00:10:34 Barf!
00:10:38 - What can I do you for?
00:10:40 - Grabbin' a snack. Want some?
00:10:43 - Little hair of the dog?
00:10:46 - Will you watch that?
00:10:48 I'll just throw on your audio.
00:10:52 - Y'hello!
00:10:55 Sorry, wrong switch.
00:10:57 Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
00:10:59 No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:11:03 It's what he wants.
00:11:08 Pizza The Hutt!
00:11:11 Well, if it isn't Lone Starr
00:11:14 and his sidekick, Puke.
00:11:17 - That's Barf.
00:11:22 - Where's my money?
00:11:26 No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
00:11:29 A hundred thousand space bucks...
00:11:32 A hundred thousand?
00:11:34 No way! You forgot late charges,
00:11:38 which brings it up to,
00:11:42 A million?! That's unfair.
00:11:45 Unfair to the pay-or,
00:11:47 but not to the pay-ee.
00:11:52 But you're gonna pay it
00:11:54 or else.
00:11:57 - Or else what?
00:12:02 Or else Pizza
00:12:04 is gonna send out for you.
00:12:14 You're delicious.
00:12:15 Ciao, boys.
00:12:40 Can we talk?
00:12:42 OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill.
00:12:45 But you could've married him for your
00:12:52 Will you turn that thing off?
00:12:57 What?
00:13:00 What is it?
00:13:01 I was saying,
00:13:05 Yes! And I'm glad.
00:13:07 Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.
00:13:12 I wonder if she's glad.
00:13:21 Don't be ridiculous!
00:13:23 As president of Planet Spaceball,
00:13:27 that there's absolutely
00:13:31 Yes, of course.
00:13:34 Yes, thanks for calling
00:13:39 Shithead!
00:13:56 President Skroob?
00:13:59 Yes?
00:14:00 This is Central Control.
00:14:03 What is it?
00:14:05 Lord Helmet has just notified us
00:14:08 - And Spaceball One is closing in on her.
00:14:12 We have both ships coming up
00:14:15 - I'll be down immediately.
00:14:20 I don't know about that
00:14:23 Oh, yes, sir.
00:14:27 It was wonderful.
00:14:29 All right, I'll take a shot at it.
00:14:37 Snotty!
00:14:39 - Beam him down.
00:14:55 Great beasties! His head!
00:14:57 - It's on backwards!
00:15:01 I'm sorry, sir. There must have been
00:15:07 Why didn't somebody tell me
00:15:12 Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.
00:15:15 Could be the interlocking system.
00:15:21 Lock one. Lock two. Lock three.
00:15:23 Loch Lomond.
00:15:35 Are you all right, Mr President?
00:15:37 Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
00:15:39 - We'll beam you back, sir.
00:15:43 This time I'm gonna walk!
00:15:49 President Skroob! Salute!
00:15:51 Hail, Skroob!
00:15:55 - Hello, President Skroob.
00:15:58 - Hello, Charlene.
00:16:01 - Hello, Marlene.
00:16:03 Chew your gum.
00:16:06 - Where's the princess?
00:16:08 To the left, approaching Spaceball One
00:16:13 Good, good! She's almost in our grasp.
00:16:16 Tell Dark Helmet
00:16:25 Princess Vespa's spaceship within range.
00:16:28 Good.
00:16:35 What's going on?
00:16:36 It's either the Fourth of July,
00:16:43 Hey, I don't have to put up with this.
00:16:46 I'm rich.
00:16:48 - What are you doing?
00:16:52 1 - 800 - DRUIDIA.
00:16:57 Careful, you idiot!
00:17:01 Sorry, sir. Doing my best.
00:17:04 - Who made that man a gunner?
00:17:07 He's my cousin.
00:17:09 - Who is he?
00:17:11 - I know that! What's his name?
00:17:16 - And his cousin?
00:17:20 How many Assholes
00:17:22 Yo!
00:17:26 I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.
00:17:31 Keep firing, Assholes!
00:17:35 Hurry, Daddy! Hurry!
00:17:37 There are laser blasts all around us!
00:17:39 I'm scared.
00:17:42 King Roland to Lone Starr!
00:17:47 Lone Starr, you've got to help me. My
00:17:51 Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.
00:17:54 Besides, I'm already numero uno
00:17:58 Look, Your Highness,
00:18:01 It's just that we've got this thing
00:18:04 You're the only ones that can save her!
00:18:08 Did you hear me? Anything!
00:18:10 - Anything?
00:18:14 - OK, we'll do it for... a million.
00:18:18 Oh, you're starting to fade,
00:18:21 All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
00:18:24 All right, King. You just made a deal.
00:18:27 One princess for one million space bucks.
00:18:29 - What's she driving?
00:18:32 SEL limited edition.
00:18:36 I got it at a good price. I paid cash.
00:18:38 My cousin Prince Murray has
00:18:41 We get the idea.
00:18:44 - She was just passing Jupiter Two.
00:18:47 Please, bring her back safely!
00:18:50 And if it's at all possible,
00:18:55 One million space bucks!
00:18:58 Gimme paw!
00:19:07 What's happening?
00:19:09 What's that glow?
00:19:12 - We're not moving.
00:19:15 Backwards!
00:19:21 There's our princess. She's got company.
00:19:23 Oh, no. Spaceballs. And they've
00:19:27 Oh, well, we're too late.
00:19:30 Barf! No. Bad.
00:19:33 Why are we risking our lives
00:19:37 Listen!
00:19:42 We're doing it for a shitload of money!
00:19:45 Oh, you're right.
00:19:48 And you're always right.
00:19:49 OK, we save her, but how?
00:19:53 - Uh-uh.
00:19:54 - Uh-uh.
00:19:55 Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
00:19:58 Aha! You're right.
00:20:00 - Down scope!
00:20:08 Radar about to be
00:20:11 jammed.
00:20:33 Sh...
00:20:35 ..it!
00:20:42 Sir?
00:20:43 - What is it?
00:20:50 - Well?
00:20:53 You don't need that, Private. What is it?
00:20:55 Trouble with the radar, sir
00:20:58 - What is it?!
00:21:00 - What's wrong?
00:21:03 - The what?
00:21:04 You know. The bleeps:
00:21:09 The sweeps:
00:21:12 And the creeps:
00:21:15 That's not all he's lost.
00:21:17 Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be
00:21:22 jammed!
00:21:24 Jammed.
00:21:29 Raspberry.
00:21:32 There is only one man
00:21:38 Lone Starr!
00:22:06 - What was that?
00:22:12 Hi.
00:22:13 - Who are you?
00:22:16 Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
00:22:18 No, that's my name. Barf.
00:22:20 Barf? What are you?
00:22:23 I'm a mog. Half man, half dog.
00:22:28 What do you want?
00:22:29 Your father hired Lone Starr and me
00:22:33 - Good. Quick. Hurry. Follow the dog.
00:22:37 Wait. What about my matched luggage?
00:22:45 Hey, stop looking up my can.
00:22:47 Sorry.
00:22:56 Checking in?
00:22:58 What the hell is all that?
00:23:02 Her Royal Highness's matched luggage!
00:23:05 What?
00:23:07 Her Royal Highness's matched luggage.
00:23:09 Oh, matched luggage, huh? What's
00:23:15 - Well, she wouldn't go without it.
00:23:21 Now hear this! The minute we get
00:23:25 dump the matched luggage!
00:23:28 Who was that?
00:23:30 Now you hear this, whoever you are.
00:23:33 You will not touch that luggage
00:23:36 And, furthermore,
00:23:39 I will not be rescued in such filth.
00:23:42 Listen! On this ship,
00:23:45 This is my dreamboat, sweetheart
00:23:48 - Sweetheart?
00:23:51 How dare you speak to me that way!
00:23:54 You will address me as
00:23:57 I am Princess Vespa.
00:24:05 That's all we needed.
00:24:07 A Druish princess.
00:24:12 Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
00:24:49 Now we will show her
00:24:54 Hold it!
00:24:55 I'll handle this personally.
00:24:58 Jawohl, Lord Helmet.
00:25:03 So, Princess Vespa,
00:25:06 you thought you could outwit
00:25:10 Well, you were wrong.
00:25:12 You are now our prisoner. And you
00:25:17 as all of the air is transferred
00:25:20 to ours.
00:25:30 She's not in there!
00:25:33 Radar repaired, sir. We're
00:25:38 Winnebago?
00:25:39 Lone Starr.
00:25:42 Lone Starr...
00:25:49 - Uh-oh, here comes the Badyear blimp.
00:25:54 - Switch to secret hyper jets.
00:25:57 Buckle up back there,
00:26:08 We're closing in on them, sir.
00:26:11 Good. Prepare to attack.
00:26:14 Prepare to attack!
00:26:16 On the count of three.
00:26:18 One
00:26:20 two
00:26:22 late! What happened? Where are they?
00:26:24 I don't know, sir.
00:26:27 - And what have we got? A Cuisinart?
00:26:30 - Well, find them! Catch them!
00:26:32 - Prepare ship for light speed.
00:26:35 - Light speed too slow?
00:26:39 - ludicrous speed.
00:26:42 We've never gone that fast.
00:26:45 What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?
00:26:49 Prepare ship...
00:26:52 Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.
00:26:54 Fasten all seat belts.
00:26:58 Close all shops in the mall.
00:27:01 - Secure all animals in the zoo...
00:27:06 Now hear this. Ludicrous speed!
00:27:10 - Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
00:27:13 Ludicrous speed! Go!
00:27:37 What have I done?
00:27:41 My brains... are going into my feet.
00:27:56 What the hell was that?
00:27:59 Spaceball One.
00:28:01 They've gone to plaid!
00:28:05 We passed them! Stop this thing!
00:28:09 We can't stop. It's too dangerous.
00:28:12 We've got to slow down first.
00:28:14 Bullshit!
00:28:16 Just stop this thing! I order you!
00:28:19 Stop!
00:28:36 Here, sir, here. Let me help you, sir.
00:28:41 - Are you all right, sir?
00:28:44 - Fine, sir.
00:28:46 - Good thing you were wearing a helmet.
00:28:48 What shall we do now, sir?
00:28:50 - Well... Are we stopped?
00:28:53 Good.
00:28:55 - Why don't we take a five-minute break?
00:28:59 Smoke if you got 'em.
00:29:04 - Take her out of hyperactive.
00:29:10 Congrats, boss. We did it.
00:29:14 - OK. Set a course for Druidia.
00:29:18 - What's that?
00:29:20 We're out of gas!
00:29:22 - Must have burned it up in hyper.
00:29:26 OK, we'll have to set her down.
00:29:30 - Quick, give me a reading.
00:29:33 Stop that!
00:29:35 Keep your seat belts on.
00:29:40 No, you idiot!
00:29:43 OK, Eagle Five coming in.
00:30:06 Go left. Right! I mean right! Whoa!
00:30:20 - Where are you going?
00:30:25 W-w-w-wait!
00:30:28 Called me an idiot? I'm goin' back there
00:30:32 Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
00:30:37 - You haven't seen what she looks like.
00:30:41 Cute! I know these space bums.
00:30:44 - Fat, ugly,
00:30:47 - beer-swilling pigs.
00:30:50 Normally I'd...
00:30:54 Now, listen, you...
00:30:57 You listen. On this ship you're to refer
00:31:02 - I mean... You know what I mean.
00:31:06 You will never address me as "you".
00:31:08 You will call me "Your Royal Highness"!
00:31:11 You are a royal pain in the...
00:31:13 - Whoa! Hold it. Time.
00:31:15 May I make a suggestion? Any minute
00:31:20 head back this way and make us all dead.
00:31:22 He's right. Let's go.
00:31:24 Wait. My things.
00:31:26 Now, listen, you royal...
00:31:28 ..Highness.
00:31:30 Take only what you need to survive.
00:31:53 Please, slow down.
00:32:00 Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.
00:32:07 All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down.
00:32:11 - What the hell's in this thing?
00:32:18 What's this?
00:32:22 It's my industrial-strength hair dryer.
00:32:25 And I can't live without it!
00:32:28 OK, Princess, that's it.
00:32:33 Welcome to real life.
00:32:35 You want this hot-air machine,
00:32:39 You pick that up.
00:32:42 You pick that up.
00:32:44 How dare you, you insolent peasant!
00:32:47 Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
00:32:50 Nobody!
00:32:52 Well, what have we got here?
00:32:55 Those flashing eyes, those
00:32:59 You know something, Princess?
00:33:01 You are ugly when you're angry.
00:33:04 - Uh-oh.
00:33:06 - You and your dog are...
00:33:09 total humans, droids, if I may.
00:33:11 It'll be dark soon,
00:33:15 Come, darling.
00:33:22 - See? It's lighter.
00:33:28 I could have carried two or three of these.
00:33:32 Have you found them yet?
00:33:34 No, Lord Helmet.
00:33:37 Well, keep looking for them.
00:33:48 Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.
00:33:50 Corporal, get me the video cassette
00:33:54 Yes, sir.
00:33:58 "The Producers", "Blazing Saddles",
00:34:01 - Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you?
00:34:05 How can there be a cassette
00:34:08 True, sir. But there's been a breakthrough
00:34:12 - There has?
00:34:15 They're out in stores
00:34:18 - Nah!
00:34:21 - "Spaceballs".
00:34:28 - Prepare to fast-forward.
00:34:31 - Fast-forward!
00:34:51 No, no, no, go past this. Past this part.
00:34:59 Try here. Stop.
00:35:11 What the hell am I looking at?
00:35:14 Now. You're looking at now. Everything
00:35:19 - And then?
00:35:20 - When?
00:35:23 - Go back to then.
00:35:24 - Now.
00:35:25 - Now!
00:35:26 - When?
00:35:28 - When will then be now?
00:35:32 - How soon?
00:35:35 - Where?
00:35:37 - Prepare for our arrival.
00:35:39 - 1900 hours.
00:35:42 Who?!
00:36:00 - No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
00:36:04 If you insist.
00:36:13 - Won't you be cold?
00:36:22 I can't seem to find Druidia.
00:36:25 It's right there.
00:36:26 - Where?
00:36:32 Oh, yeah, but it's so far a...
00:36:35 ..away.
00:36:37 Don't worry. I'll get you there.
00:36:40 - Which one's yours?
00:36:43 - You don't know where you're from?
00:36:47 - Monastery? Where?
00:36:51 Didn't the monks say
00:36:54 They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.
00:36:56 All I got was this. It was around my neck.
00:36:59 - What is it?
00:37:01 I've taken it to every wise man in the
00:37:07 It's beautiful.
00:37:09 You know, I...
00:37:14 It's beautiful.
00:37:19 So, how come you ran away
00:37:23 Well, if you must know,
00:37:27 - Why were you gonna marry him?
00:37:30 I'm a princess
00:37:33 Ah! And he doesn't do it for you, huh?
00:37:37 No, he doesn't do it for me.
00:37:44 I really must go back.
00:37:47 I shouldn't have run away.
00:37:50 I realise now that love
00:37:55 You're probably right.
00:37:58 I know now that I must learn to live
00:38:01 I guess so.
00:38:03 - Besides, love isn't that important.
00:38:07 I could be perfectly happy
00:38:11 ..love.
00:38:13 Sure you could.
00:38:16 Without physical contact.
00:38:19 Yeah.
00:38:21 Without being held.
00:38:23 Yeah.
00:38:26 Or kissed.
00:38:35 Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
00:38:37 Women and mogs first!
00:38:40 We'll have none of that, mister.
00:38:42 - How far did he get? What'd he touch?
00:38:45 - What the hell was that noise?
00:38:48 It's programmed to go off before you do.
00:38:51 You get back to bed, miss.
00:38:54 All right, let's all just get some sleep.
00:38:59 - Why so early?
00:39:02 and we aren't gonna get very far
00:39:10 Nice dissolve.
00:39:21 Water. Water.
00:39:24 Water.
00:39:33 Oil. Oil.
00:39:37 Room service. Room service.
00:39:45 Chief, that's it.
00:39:49 I can't... I can't go any further.
00:39:53 - I can't go any further.
00:39:56 - No!
00:39:58 No! You said that three dunes ago.
00:40:02 I got no more left.
00:40:05 Oh, waiter. Check, please.
00:40:10 Must go on.
00:40:12 Must go on!
00:40:15 Must go on...
00:40:18 Who am I kidding?
00:41:17 Oh. Thanks, little guy.
00:41:21 Oh, thank you.
00:41:25 Did I miss something?
00:41:27 When did we get to Disneyland?
00:41:47 - I don't see them, Sandurz.
00:41:51 - Good. Get moving.
00:41:54 What are you preparing? Just go!
00:41:56 - Just go.
00:41:58 Sir, shouldn't you sit down?
00:42:18 - What are they saying?
00:42:31 - What is this place?
00:42:35 Well, it ain't Temple Beth Israel.
00:42:37 Come on. I think we better follow 'em.
00:42:51 Oh-oh, I think we woke it up.
00:42:54 - Goodbye. Let me know how it turns out.
00:42:58 - Come on, we gotta keep goin'.
00:43:06 - What's gonna happen now?
00:43:10 - What if it does? I'm all for leaving!
00:43:13 I think we get outta here now
00:43:17 Silence!
00:43:19 Who dares enter the sacred and awesome
00:43:24 Yogurt?
00:43:27 Yogurt?
00:43:38 - You heard of me?
00:43:42 Yogurt, the wise.
00:43:44 - Yogurt, the all-powerful!
00:43:47 Please, please, don't make a fuss.
00:43:51 - But you're the one...
00:43:53 I am the keeper of a greater magic.
00:43:57 A power known throughout the universe
00:43:59 - as the...
00:44:01 No. The Schwartz.
00:44:04 The Schwartz.
00:44:06 Yes.
00:44:07 The Schwartz.
00:44:12 But, Yogurt, what is this place?
00:44:17 - Merchandising.
00:44:20 Merchandising. Come, I'll show you.
00:44:23 Open up the store.
00:44:29 Come! Walk this way! Take a look.
00:44:32 We put the picture's name on everything!
00:44:35 Merchandising! Merchandising!
00:44:38 Where the real money
00:44:40 "Spaceballs" - the T-shirt.
00:44:44 "Spaceballs" - the lunchbox.
00:44:48 "Spaceballs" - the flame thrower!
00:44:51 The kids love this one.
00:44:54 Last, but not least. "Spaceballs" - the doll.
00:44:57 Me.
00:44:59 May the Schwartz be with you
00:45:04 Adorable.
00:45:20 - President Skroob.
00:45:22 I have an urgent message from
00:45:26 - Where?
00:45:28 Tell them to comb the desert,
00:45:32 Yes, sir.
00:45:39 - Sir?
00:45:42 - Are we being too literal?
00:45:46 We were told to comb the desert,
00:45:49 Found anything yet?
00:45:51 Nothing yet, sir.
00:45:55 How about you?
00:45:57 Not a thing, sir.
00:46:02 What about you guys?
00:46:04 We ain't found shit!
00:46:09 It's a big mystery. None of the wise men
00:46:12 Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean.
00:46:17 Here, let me take a look.
00:46:27 - You can read it!
00:46:31 Here, let me take a...
00:46:33 Ah. Ooh, yes.
00:46:36 Yes, yes, of course!
00:46:38 - You understand it?
00:46:40 - What's it say?
00:46:43 - It'll be revealed to you at the proper time.
00:46:47 Don't be disappointed.
00:46:50 Here, take the ring.
00:46:54 OK, but I still don't understand how I'm
00:46:59 Never underestimate
00:47:03 Come on, concentrate. Here we go.
00:47:07 Concentrate.
00:47:21 Lone Starr, you're doing it!
00:47:24 You're doing it!
00:47:26 I can't believe it. The Schwartz is working!
00:47:29 Yes! Yes!
00:47:31 Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
00:47:37 Give me the ring. Give me the ring, quick!
00:47:41 Upsee-dahzee, upsee-mahzee,
00:47:50 Sorry, Barf.
00:47:57 Keep searching.
00:48:01 - It's no use. We've searched everywhere.
00:48:06 the Schwartz!
00:48:07 - The Schwartz?
00:48:09 It's coming from somewhere... down
00:48:13 there!
00:48:16 You're right, sir.
00:48:20 And look at this insignia. It's a "Y".
00:48:23 Yogurt! Yogurt!
00:48:26 I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries.
00:48:29 - I'll call for the attack squad.
00:48:32 Yogurt has the Schwartz.
00:48:35 But, sir, don't you have the Schwartz, too?
00:48:37 He got the upside, I got the downside.
00:48:41 Then how are we gonna go in there
00:48:45 We will not go in there.
00:48:48 She will come out to us.
00:49:02 Vespa, Vespa, my child
00:49:05 Where are you?
00:49:07 Daddy?
00:49:09 Vespa, it's your father, King Roland
00:49:13 - Come to me
00:49:16 I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?
00:49:19 Follow my voice
00:49:22 Come to me
00:49:25 Come to me
00:49:29 Vespa, where are you going?
00:49:31 Vespa, come to me.
00:49:37 Daddy! Is it really you?
00:49:40 Yes, my dear. I guarantee it.
00:49:45 Would I lie?
00:49:49 Daddy!
00:49:51 No, Vespa, don't!
00:49:54 No.
00:49:56 Fooled you.
00:50:01 Take them both aboard
00:50:05 Now she is mine.
00:50:07 - What are they saying?
00:50:19 Spaceballs. Too late.
00:50:22 Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
00:50:24 Yeah.
00:50:27 - Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
00:50:30 And here. Just in case you get hungry.
00:50:34 - A fortune cookie?
00:50:36 Remember: open it before you eat it.
00:50:40 Thanks. Well, we better get going.
00:50:42 I wonder...
00:50:45 Who knows? God willing,
00:50:49 The Search for More Money".
00:50:52 - Goodbye, Lone Starr.
00:50:56 The ring of the Schwartz!
00:50:58 - No, no, I can't take this.
00:51:02 - You might need it.
00:51:05 I'll never forget you.
00:51:08 Wish me luck.
00:51:31 So, Princess Vespa,
00:51:37 to have my way with you
00:51:40 No! No! Please, leave me alone.
00:51:44 Not so fast, Helmet. Lone Starr!
00:51:47 Yes, it's me.
00:51:51 Now you are going to die. Psst!
00:51:53 Oh, oh! Oh!
00:51:56 What'd you do to him? The same thing
00:52:00 And you, too. Oh! Argh!
00:52:03 Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
00:52:06 Oh, no, I hate you. Leave me alone.
00:52:09 Yet I find you strangely attractive.
00:52:14 Druish princesses are often
00:52:17 And I have both. And you know it.
00:52:20 Oh, leave me alone. No, kiss me!
00:52:24 No! Yes! No! Yes!
00:52:30 Oh, your helmet is so big.
00:52:33 - Lord Helmet.
00:52:35 - You're needed on the bridge, sir.
00:52:39 - Yes, sir.
00:52:41 No, I didn't see you
00:52:43 Good.
00:53:02 President Skroob.
00:53:04 I told you never to call me on this wall!
00:53:08 Sorry, sir, but it's very important.
00:53:12 and Lord Helmet is awaiting you there.
00:53:14 - All right, all right. I'll be right there.
00:53:29 Helmet, you fiend! What's going on?
00:53:33 Permit me to introduce
00:53:37 Dr Phillip Schlotkin.
00:53:39 The greatest nose-job man
00:53:44 - Your Highness.
00:53:47 It was her Sweet-16 present.
00:53:49 No, it's not what you think.
00:53:53 If you do not give me
00:53:56 Dr Schlotkin will give your daughter back
00:53:59 her old nose!
00:54:01 No!
00:54:06 - Where did you get that?
00:54:10 - No, Daddy, no! You mustn't.
00:54:13 I'll miss your new nose, but I will not
00:54:18 Very well. Dr Schlotkin, do your worst.
00:54:22 My pleasure.
00:54:27 No! Wait! Wait!
00:54:29 I'll tell. I'll tell.
00:54:32 I knew it would work.
00:54:34 All right. Give it to me.
00:54:38 The combination is
00:54:41 one.
00:54:42 - One.
00:54:43 Two.
00:54:44 - Two.
00:54:46 Three.
00:54:46 - Three.
00:54:48 Four.
00:54:48 - Four.
00:54:51 Five.
00:54:52 - Five.
00:54:54 So the combination is
00:54:59 That's the stupidest combination
00:55:02 It's what an idiot has on his luggage.
00:55:04 Thank you, Your Highness.
00:55:06 - What did you do?
00:55:09 - No, you turned off the movie.
00:55:11 - Well, put it back up!
00:55:14 You gotta get that thing fixed! We're back,
00:55:18 - Schlotkin!
00:55:20 We're done. Go back to the golf course
00:55:24 Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.
00:55:32 Oh! I bet she gives great helmet.
00:55:37 - Did it work?
00:55:40 Great! Now we can take every last breath
00:55:45 - What's the combination?
00:55:48 - One, two, three, four, five?
00:55:50 That's amazing. I've got
00:55:54 - Prepare Spaceball One for departure.
00:55:58 And change the combination
00:56:07 There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
00:56:10 Good. I'm taking her in.
00:56:14 What the hell is that thing?
00:56:17 Looks like a Winnebago with wings. Jeez.
00:56:20 Hey, you can't park here!
00:56:23 Yeah. Can't you guys read? "No Parking".
00:56:30 That son of a...
00:56:35 All right, hands up.
00:56:39 Yeah!
00:57:02 Warden Miller, Warden Miller
00:57:07 Attention, attention
00:57:12 Nah.
00:57:17 - She's gotta be in one of these cells.
00:57:22 - No.
00:57:27 - It's coming from here.
00:57:39 It's her!
00:57:48 She's a bass!
00:57:59 - What do you want?
00:58:02 - It's us!
00:58:05 - How did you find us?
00:58:08 - We gotta move.
00:58:13 Come on.
00:58:30 Hey, those are the guys
00:58:33 And beat the shit out of us, too!
00:58:40 Uh-oh, we got company!
00:58:46 Watch out!
00:58:51 Dammit! That's our only way out.
00:58:53 - We're trapped!
00:58:58 - Oh. I'm out of ammo!
00:59:03 I got an idea!
00:59:05 - What are you doing?
00:59:20 Good work.
00:59:22 Let's go!
00:59:27 It's closing!
00:59:31 - The door's closing!
00:59:42 Don't move, or you're dead. Stand up!
00:59:45 Captain, we've got them.
00:59:50 Spectacular stunt, my friends.
00:59:53 But all for naught.
00:59:55 Turn around, please.
00:59:57 Ah, what a pity.
01:00:00 What a pity.
01:00:02 So, Princess, you thought you could
01:00:09 You idiots! These are not them!
01:00:12 You've captured their stunt doubles!
01:00:15 Search the area. Find them!
01:00:18 Find them!
01:00:27 - Open the door!
01:00:29 - And this one?
01:00:31 - The keys?
01:00:33 - Oh, great!
01:00:37 - Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
01:00:45 My hair! He shot my hair.
01:00:48 Son of a bitch!
01:01:00 Holy shit!
01:01:07 - How was that?
01:01:10 - Not bad... for a girl.
01:01:14 Let's blow this joint.
01:01:27 President Skroob!
01:01:29 - Salute!
01:01:33 The ship is too big.
01:01:36 - Sir.
01:01:38 Never have that damn thing down
01:01:41 How do I know you're not
01:01:44 President Skroob.
01:01:47 Ah, Planet Druidia.
01:01:49 And 10,000 years of fresh air.
01:01:52 - Way he runs things, it won't last 100.
01:01:55 - Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.
01:01:59 Ready, Kafka?
01:02:07 Look, it's Spaceball One.
01:02:10 - They've reached the air shield
01:02:17 The ship's too big
01:02:19 How they gonna get the air out?
01:02:27 What's happening?
01:02:31 The ship... is changing.
01:02:47 Oh, my gosh.
01:02:49 It's not just a spaceship.
01:02:52 It's a Transformer!
01:03:04 - It's changing into
01:03:07 - Maid?
01:03:12 So that's how
01:03:35 Metamorphosis completed, sir.
01:03:37 Spaceball One has now become
01:03:44 Megamaid.
01:03:45 - Good.
01:03:48 Now, commence Operation
01:03:50 Vacu-Suck!
01:03:58 Suck. Suck. Suck!
01:04:14 Goodbye, little Vespa.
01:04:17 My... little...
01:04:21 ..baby... Vespa.
01:04:30 - The air bag, it's almost full!
01:04:36 We've gotta act fast.
01:04:39 and blow the air back on to the planet.
01:04:42 Step two: we destroy that thing.
01:04:45 - But isn't that dangerous?
01:04:50 I don't know
01:04:53 - What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
01:04:56 - But...
01:04:59 OK. Here goes nothing.
01:05:10 - Look at that
01:05:13 It's working!
01:05:16 Come on, Schwartz.
01:05:18 Come on, Schwartz. Come on, Schwartz!
01:05:27 - Helmet, what's going on?
01:05:30 It's Megamaid.
01:05:32 She's gone from suck to blow.
01:05:34 What? They're getting their air back.
01:05:36 - Do something.
01:05:38 Do something!
01:05:55 I'm breathing.
01:05:58 Air.
01:06:01 Air!
01:06:10 - Dim the lights.
01:06:13 - Go to infrared.
01:06:16 - Pray to God.
01:06:27 Careful. Careful.
01:06:36 What are you doing?
01:06:38 Scanning.
01:06:46 There's gotta be a self-destruct
01:06:54 - I think we just found it.
01:06:57 Watch.
01:07:02 Bingo! There it is.
01:07:06 It's right below us.
01:07:08 - Put her in hover, Barf.
01:07:12 - I'm going down there.
01:07:16 I wouldn't.
01:07:57 What the hell are you doing?
01:08:00 The... Vulcan neck pinch?
01:08:03 No, no, no, stupid.
01:08:05 It's down here
01:08:08 - Like this?
01:08:13 Thanks.
01:08:20 Handprint identification, please
01:08:22 Handprint identification, please
01:08:25 Handprint identification, please
01:08:28 Handprint
01:08:32 Thanks again.
01:08:41 Is that you, Mylar?
01:08:53 Who are you? What are you doing?
01:08:55 This.
01:09:02 Sweet dreams.
01:09:20 Not so fast, Lone Starr.
01:09:23 Helmet!
01:09:24 So, at last we meet for the first time,
01:09:31 Before you die, there is something
01:09:36 What?
01:09:38 I am your father's brother's nephew's
01:09:46 - What's that make us?
01:09:50 Which is what you are about to become.
01:09:53 Prepare to die.
01:10:03 You have the ring.
01:10:04 And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
01:10:09 Now let's see how well you handle it.
01:10:34 Um... He did it.
01:10:37 What?
01:10:54 Shit! I hate it
01:10:58 OK, maybe if I put my leg up on yours,
01:11:01 we could split apart like...
01:11:03 Good, yeah. One, two, three, go!
01:11:46 So, Lone Starr,
01:11:51 If there's one thing I despise,
01:11:55 But if I must, then I must.
01:12:00 Put 'er there.
01:12:05 The ring! I can't believe
01:12:09 What a goof!
01:12:14 You know what?
01:12:16 Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too.
01:12:22 So, Lone Starr, now you see
01:12:27 because good is dumb.
01:12:38 Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad
01:12:44 Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr
01:12:48 I can't. I lost the ring.
01:12:50 Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis
01:12:53 I found it in a Cracker Jack box
01:12:55 The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr
01:12:59 All right. I'll try.
01:13:01 Say goodbye to your two best friends.
01:13:04 And I don't mean
01:13:16 Thank you for pressing
01:13:18 This ship will self-destruct
01:13:26 What's going on?
01:13:29 Thank you for pressing the button
01:13:31 This ship will self-destruct
01:13:36 Stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
01:13:38 I can't. It's irreversible.
01:13:40 Like my raincoat.
01:13:42 Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz
01:13:46 Abandon ship!
01:13:49 Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.
01:13:52 The self-destruct mechanism
01:13:57 Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me.
01:13:59 I don't know what to do.
01:14:03 This is your two-minute warning. This
01:14:08 Launch all escape pods
01:14:11 What's happening? Where is he?
01:14:13 Spaceballs
01:14:15 Watch out!
01:14:19 - Where is he?
01:14:21 We got a minute and 40
01:14:24 Spaceballs
01:14:28 Full throttle.
01:14:29 - Go to hyper jets.
01:14:32 If you're livin' in a bubble
01:14:37 - Hey, where do you think you're going?
01:14:40 Then you're gonna be in trouble
01:14:47 Cos what you've got is what we need
01:14:51 We're the Spaceballs
01:14:53 Watch out
01:14:54 We're the Spaceballs
01:15:01 Hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?
01:15:03 I'm the bearded lady.
01:15:09 Hey, come back! That's my pod! No!
01:15:15 Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!
01:15:19 One pod left.
01:15:20 And three of us.
01:15:23 Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship.
01:15:28 Goodbye.
01:15:32 What's the matter with this belt?
01:15:42 Spaceballs
01:15:43 This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds
01:15:46 It's your last chance
01:15:49 Cancellation button? Hurry!
01:15:52 Spaceballs
01:15:55 Watch out!
01:15:59 - Where is it? Where is it?
01:16:01 - Out of order.
01:16:05 This ship will self-destruct
01:16:09 Counting down
01:16:11 Ten, nine,
01:16:13 eight, six
01:16:15 Six? What happened to seven?
01:16:17 Just kidding
01:16:19 There's the other end. Faster!
01:16:21 Six, five, four,
01:16:24 three, two, one
01:16:27 - Have a nice day
01:16:40 We did it!
01:16:48 We all did it.
01:17:08 So I guess you might call that
01:17:15 On a sadder note, Pizza The Hutt,
01:17:18 famed half-man, half-pizza,
01:17:21 was found dead earlier today
01:17:25 Evidently, the notorious gangster became
01:17:32 Coming up:
01:17:35 Thousand" Pongo?
01:17:39 Did you hear that?
01:17:41 Now we don't have to pay him the million.
01:17:46 Yeah.
01:18:04 - Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
01:18:08 I thought I'd never see you again.
01:18:11 I'm so happy that you're home and safe.
01:18:14 And, little Vespa, here's someone else
01:18:21 Oh, hello.
01:18:23 Where have you been?
01:18:39 Thanks, hon.
01:18:52 Hiya, big stuff.
01:18:54 Hi, dream.
01:18:56 - What'll you have?
01:19:00 I got the space soup or the space special.
01:19:02 - Um, I'll have the soup.
01:19:05 I'll have the cleavage. Uh, the special.
01:19:09 OK, one special and one soup.
01:19:15 - Ready to order?
01:19:18 Anything to drink?
01:19:22 Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own,
01:19:31 - Jeez!
01:19:33 No, we were lost.
01:19:36 And then Harry began feeling around
01:19:41 Then he said "I got it. We on Pluto".
01:19:44 And we said "Harry, how can you tell?"
01:19:49 From the bark!
01:19:54 Is he all right?
01:19:58 - Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
01:20:04 - Bring him some water!
01:20:07 Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
01:20:09 Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
01:20:12 - Oh, he had the special.
01:20:15 - Change my order to the soup.
01:20:26 Oh, no.
01:20:28 Not again.
01:20:41 Hello, my baby
01:20:43 Hello, my ragtime gal
01:20:45 Send me a kiss by wire
01:20:48 Baby, my heart's on fire
01:20:50 If you refuse me Honey, you'll lose me
01:20:52 Then you'll be left alone
01:20:55 And tell me I'm your own
01:21:01 Check, please.
01:21:13 Five minutes to magic time.
01:21:15 Are you all right, my dear?
01:21:19 Don't worry about me, Father.
01:21:22 Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding.
01:21:28 He didn't take the million.
01:21:30 - He didn't?
01:21:32 He just took 248 space bucks
01:21:46 I can't believe you refused the money. But
01:21:51 - Have you got anything to eat?
01:21:54 Oh, wait a minute.
01:21:58 - Here, chow down.
01:22:00 - I'll split it.
01:22:02 OK.
01:22:07 - Yogurt!
01:22:09 Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
01:22:13 Lone Starr, you know
01:22:16 but you don't know what it means?
01:22:20 It's a royal birth certificate. Yes!
01:22:23 Your father was a king,
01:22:26 which makes you a certified prince.
01:22:30 Hey, I'm a prince.
01:22:32 I'm a prince! Which means...
01:22:34 Which means if you hurry
01:22:38 If you wanna stop her
01:22:41 there's a special can of fuel
01:22:45 - Good luck, boys.
01:22:47 And, Yogurt,...
01:22:49 - ..thanks.
01:22:51 And may the Schwartz be with youuuuu!
01:22:58 Oh, what a world.
01:23:00 - Barf, open that glove compartment.
01:23:07 Wow! Liquid Schwartz!
01:23:09 - Quick, pour it in the tank.
01:23:16 Look at that!
01:23:19 - Done.
01:23:21 we're gonna make space tracks.
01:24:13 Dear me, what are those things
01:24:18 Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
01:24:23 Spaceballs!
01:24:25 Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
01:24:31 Dearly beloved,
01:24:36 ..again.
01:24:37 - You didn't say he refused the money.
01:24:41 - May I continue, please?
01:24:46 Thank you.
01:24:47 To join Princess Vespa
01:24:53 I'm sorry, it's the hair.
01:24:56 Prince Valium
01:24:58 in the bonds of holy matrimony.
01:25:00 I see it all now.
01:25:03 I'm trying to conduct a wedding here,
01:25:08 - I'm sorry.
01:25:09 - I'm sorry, too.
01:25:12 I'm sorry!
01:25:16 To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium
01:25:23 ..moly!
01:25:28 Uh... matrimony.
01:25:30 That's him.
01:25:33 That's it. No more chances.
01:25:36 Prince Valium, do you take
01:25:39 Uh-huh.
01:25:40 - Do you take Valium to be your husband?
01:25:45 I suppose. Well, oh, I don't know.
01:25:48 - No! She doesn't.
01:25:55 - Who the hell are you?
01:25:59 - Prince?!
01:26:01 That's what this says.
01:26:05 Will you marry me?
01:26:07 Well, let me think about it.
01:26:10 Yes!
01:26:12 I'm sick of this. I don't care who it is,
01:26:16 - Who are you?
01:26:19 - Full name?
01:26:21 - Are you getting married?
01:26:23 Then get over there!
01:26:25 OK, here we go. The short, short version.
01:26:29 - Do you?
01:26:30 - Do you?
01:26:32 Good. You're married. Kiss her!
01:26:34 - I love you.
01:26:48 Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.
01:29:02 If you're livin' in a bubble
01:29:09 Then you're gonna be in trouble
01:29:16 Cos what you've got is what we need
01:29:20 We're the Spaceballs
01:29:23 Watch out!
01:29:24 We're the Spaceballs
01:29:27 We're the masters of space
01:29:29 -Hey, don't mess around
01:29:42 Going cruisin' in a spaceship
01:29:49 We'll destroy your little planet
01:29:56 We're mothers of the galaxy
01:30:00 The Spaceballs
01:30:03 Watch out!
01:30:04 We're the Spaceballs
01:30:07 We're the masters of space
01:30:09 -Say what? Don't mess around
01:30:14 Watch out!
01:30:43 We're mothers of the galaxy
01:30:45 We're gonna take the air you breathe
01:30:50 Oh! Spaceballs
01:30:53 Watch out!
01:30:54 We're the Spaceballs
01:30:57 We're the masters of space
01:31:00 Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
01:31:04 Watch out!
01:31:05 We're the Spaceballs
01:31:09 We're the masters of space
01:31:11 Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
01:31:15 Watch out!
01:31:16 We've got a bossin' metal ship
01:31:20 So you better watch your lip
01:31:23 Cos we're the Spaceballs
01:31:26 Watch out!
01:31:27 You may think that you are bad
01:31:30 But believe you can be had
01:31:34 By the Spaceballs
01:31:37 Watch out!
01:31:38 We're the Spaceballs
01:31:41 Watch out!
01:31:42 We're the Spaceballs
01:31:45 We're the masters of space
01:31:48 Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
01:31:53 We're so bad and mean
01:31:56 We make nightmares out of dreams
01:32:00 We're the Spaceballs
01:32:03 We're the Spaceballs
01:32:07 So you'd better watch out!
01:32:09 Hee-hee, ha-ha!
01:32:12 Visiontext subtitles: Natasha Cohn