Stealing Harvard

en
00:02:29 People always talk about fate.
00:02:33 I never used to believe in that. Some
00:02:38 Like my parents.
00:02:42 There was nothing I could do
00:02:46 But was that fate?
00:02:50 Then you would have to say
00:02:54 Who you spend your life with.
00:02:56 What you end up doing for a living.
00:02:59 Is what happens prepackaged
00:03:04 I didn't think so,
00:03:07 Because my life was totally different
00:03:13 - I went to the bank today.
00:03:16 - Have you checked our balance lately?
00:03:22 - Wait. Did we? Did we do it?
00:03:27 We have exactly $30,006.
00:03:31 We can get married!
00:03:33 Yes.
00:03:39 I know you thought it was silly
00:03:44 ...before we got married, but now
00:03:48 ...we can plan a family...
00:03:51 I'm so happy.
00:03:54 Not here.
00:03:56 - You can kiss me at home.
00:04:01 She cried when we made love.
00:04:03 Very loud crying, which
00:04:07 Are you okay?
00:04:10 - Bye, sweetie.
00:04:12 She ran a gift-basket business.
00:04:16 And I was the assistant manager
00:04:20 ...a store that sold medical supplies
00:04:27 I know it's a lot of money, sir,
00:04:31 - John? In my office.
00:04:37 If there was one problem, it was that I
00:04:43 There always seemed to be
00:04:47 John-boy! Come on in. Sit down.
00:04:51 My little girl told me the big news.
00:04:54 - Well, I'm glad, John. I'm really glad.
00:04:58 He wasn't glad. He hated me.
00:05:00 I think he even trained his dog, Rex,
00:05:06 You're an honorable kid.
00:05:10 I appreciate that you have been
00:05:14 ...and that you have not
00:05:18 Have you slept with her, John?
00:05:25 - No, sir.
00:05:29 I'm gonna give you
00:05:32 If you've slept with her, tell me here,
00:05:38 Have you slept with my daughter?
00:05:42 Mr. Warner,
00:05:46 Good! Goddamn it, that's good.
00:05:48 If you had, I was gonna kick
00:05:52 ...and let them rattle in your skull
00:05:57 To be completely honest,
00:06:02 He had a slightly weird relationship
00:06:07 But aside from that and my job...
00:06:10 ...life was pretty good.
00:06:13 - Hi.
00:06:16 - Think the biscotti makes it look busy?
00:06:20 - Yeah?
00:06:23 It does look good.
00:06:26 - You should be. It's good work.
00:06:31 - We should head to my sister's soon.
00:06:35 I'm not going.
00:06:38 Elaine never liked my sister, Patty.
00:06:41 Maybe it's because
00:06:44 I say free spirit because
00:06:48 ...sexually indiscriminate trailer trash.
00:06:52 - Hey, Patty!
00:06:54 Headache.
00:06:56 Poor thing.
00:06:59 You know, she really likes you.
00:07:02 And I'm growing a dick,
00:07:07 Elaine wanted me to give you
00:07:10 God! Fantastic!
00:07:13 Because this one was starting to reek.
00:07:17 - Thanks.
00:07:20 Hey, you know what? It has been
00:07:25 Both of the cats ran away.
00:07:30 - What would make them do that?
00:07:34 - Hi, Uncle John!
00:07:36 Noreen's my niece.
00:07:39 ...so I spent as much time with her
00:07:42 - Happy Halloween!
00:07:46 I'm the Statue of Liberty.
00:07:51 You could say I'm the closest thing
00:07:56 - Good luck!
00:07:58 Come on! These carcasses
00:08:01 And I'm proud to say,
00:08:05 Genuine, hard-working...
00:08:08 ...and in spite of everything that had
00:08:13 - Hi.
00:08:15 We're celebrating. Noreen has news.
00:08:20 - Please tell me you're not pregnant.
00:08:25 Here we go! Remember this?
00:08:26 Hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
00:08:31 She's already out.
00:08:32 Got her on the first word.
00:08:36 Noreen. I'm sorry.
00:08:39 - What was the word she misspelled?
00:08:44 - Tarp?
00:08:47 T-A-R-P?
00:08:49 Great.
00:08:53 - I'm stupid.
00:08:57 - Yes.
00:08:59 ...you're gonna go to college,
00:09:04 Well, Uncle John, you were half right.
00:09:07 I don't know if I'm brilliant,
00:09:11 - I can't believe it!
00:09:13 - I got accepted to Harvard University!
00:09:17 That's what this is about?
00:09:20 - I know!
00:09:25 See? What did I tell you?
00:09:27 You work hard and follow your dreams,
00:09:32 You were right.
00:09:34 - Bet you're sorry you promised.
00:09:38 Wait! Here it comes. My favorite part.
00:09:41 I'm never gonna go into college now.
00:09:45 Yes, you will. I guarantee it.
00:09:48 I believe in you so much,
00:09:51 - What?
00:09:54 You get into college,
00:09:57 And that's a promise
00:10:04 I'll be right back.
00:10:10 Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
00:10:17 You know, Noreen, a lot of kids
00:10:23 Ever think about that?
00:10:24 Traveling? Seeing Asia? Lot of people
00:10:29 - Do you not want me to go to Harvard?
00:10:33 I just think there's value to being
00:10:37 Hell, I'll give you $100.
00:10:39 If it's about money, don't worry.
00:10:42 I've saved almost everything
00:10:46 Plus, I get financial aid,
00:10:50 ...except one little chunk.
00:10:53 - How much more money do you need?
00:11:00 That's the small chunk?
00:11:03 It's expensive.
00:11:06 Found one.
00:11:09 And we need the money by the 1 5th.
00:11:11 Yeah. There's our Mr. Biscuits.
00:11:18 I have to go. Yeah, he just walked in.
00:11:22 I didn't know how to do it, but
00:11:26 ...had just become Noreen's
00:11:30 So how was Patty's?
00:11:32 Really nice.
00:11:35 - You know, Noreen's a great kid.
00:11:39 So much raw potential.
00:11:42 - Boy, with the right opportunities...
00:11:48 What do you think?
00:11:51 It's great. It's a charming starter house
00:11:56 ...and it has hardwood cabinets.
00:11:59 If you go by and like it too,
00:12:05 Don't you think we're
00:12:08 John. I know it seems scary to be
00:12:13 ...but that's what we've
00:12:16 My mom and dad fought about money,
00:12:20 ...because we have $30,000...
00:12:23 ...for our house. Our home.
00:12:29 And no one can take that
00:12:34 That's what I meant.
00:12:37 So Noreen got into college, and
00:12:42 These wonderful things were locked
00:12:48 Not $30, $30,000.
00:12:51 I had to try and borrow it.
00:12:53 - Hello, dear.
00:12:56 - No!
00:12:58 - No!
00:13:01 Who do you think I am?
00:13:06 It was my last option. A man whose
00:13:11 ...they were brilliant.
00:13:22 Hey, man, how you been?
00:13:28 John. Been almost two months. Did
00:13:35 - I've just been busy.
00:13:37 ...with my landscaping company,
00:13:41 Doesn't mean I have to go and
00:13:48 - I can't stay mad at you, man.
00:13:52 John! John!
00:13:58 - Tarp?
00:14:01 - Like a tarpaulin?
00:14:03 Who can't spell tarp, Duff?
00:14:12 Duff? Don't you think you're
00:14:16 I know what I'm doing.
00:14:18 I have to taper it so light reaches the
00:14:26 But what about this string?
00:14:30 This string is a guide, John.
00:14:35 - I don't know what I'm gonna do.
00:14:39 You don't understand an oath is an
00:14:43 No, I didn't.
00:14:45 It was just an offhand remark.
00:14:49 - How much money you got?
00:14:51 But that's for buying
00:14:54 Right. Look, I'm your friend. I feel
00:15:00 Elaine, I like her. I like her a lot,
00:15:05 - She's a dirty, dumb bitch!
00:15:08 There are more productive things to do
00:15:13 - Such as?
00:15:15 ...putting it in a bag and
00:15:18 And that's just coming off
00:15:23 - I do know how you can get the money.
00:15:31 You take $1000,
00:15:34 ...you put it on a 30-to-1.
00:15:37 John, it's been done, man.
00:15:41 He put money down, won,
00:15:45 He crashed it and died, but
00:15:49 I was hoping for something just
00:15:54 You know any criminals?
00:15:56 Because, you know,
00:16:01 How about David Loach?
00:16:03 David Loach from high school?
00:16:06 You know what your problem is?
00:16:10 - Duff, I hate to ask, but...
00:16:15 I may look it because of my expensive
00:16:22 I'm like Bill Gates. He may be the
00:16:27 It's all tied up in stocks.
00:16:31 - I'm not liquid.
00:16:36 It means I don't have any money
00:16:42 Duff couldn't give me money,
00:16:47 Know what your problem is? You don't
00:16:51 Maybe you should have thought
00:16:55 I'm doing my best, Duff. I know she's
00:17:01 There haven't been many people
00:17:04 - Yeah.
00:17:06 I'm gonna be one of them.
00:17:11 ...it's possible she could lose faith
00:17:16 I'm getting that money, Duff.
00:17:21 You're not gonna
00:17:24 I've got another idea.
00:17:27 Can you get the beer?
00:17:33 Hey, kids. Duff's Dial-A-Bottle.
00:17:37 - It'll be 20 each.
00:17:40 That's what the flyer says.
00:17:43 But the fine print says "prices subject
00:17:48 You happy? You scum!
00:17:51 I'm not making money. Do I look rich?
00:17:55 You skunks! You pukes!
00:17:59 That is the most irresponsible thing
00:18:03 Look, I provide a public service, John.
00:18:07 One way or another,
00:18:10 Maybe they would have
00:18:14 ...but, you know, they wanted beer.
00:18:18 They deliver newspapers,
00:18:22 They deserve to unwind and get drunk.
00:18:30 Your American dream
00:18:35 It's their freedom.
00:18:44 Jesus, Duff!
00:18:49 Here are your briefs, Walter.
00:18:52 - Hi, Mrs. Duffy.
00:18:55 Dead. Still.
00:18:57 I forgot. I'm so sorry. I'm on
00:19:01 - Mom!
00:19:05 You have to forgive her.
00:19:08 She's been going through empty nest
00:19:12 Moved out?
00:19:15 Yeah. And I love the freedom.
00:19:18 I could keep these beauties on
00:19:21 Great.
00:19:25 John...
00:19:28 I have a client.
00:19:30 Lives over
00:19:34 Guy's loaded. Last week,
00:19:40 But I thought I'd do one last round
00:19:47 Inspection is important to me. Thought
00:19:53 Although I'm an exterior landscaper,
00:20:01 I was hungry, so I thought
00:20:09 I need my cheese!
00:20:12 But, John,
00:20:16 ...and I thought,
00:20:19 So I went to look around and
00:20:23 ...and something didn't seem right
00:20:26 And I touched it, and it moved.
00:20:30 And behind the painting,
00:20:34 But I heard someone coming,
00:20:41 But the best part, John,
00:20:45 ...it wasn't even locked.
00:20:49 You turn this corner,
00:20:53 Your whole moral code
00:20:56 Look. Is it moral to let some fat,
00:21:00 ...in a pile of cash when
00:21:05 ...like sending Noreen to college?
00:21:12 - We can't.
00:21:15 Sunday we go there,
00:21:18 ...which I accidentally left unlocked
00:21:22 And we grab the money.
00:21:26 - The guy won't miss the money?
00:21:30 Heard of insurance?
00:21:32 He's not gonna miss the money.
00:21:36 The insurance guys
00:21:39 And they deserve to pay!
00:21:43 Bastards.
00:21:50 Bastards.
00:21:56 Where are you going?
00:21:59 - Why are you here?
00:22:01 - I thought you were going to a movie.
00:22:05 - We're supposed look at that house.
00:22:11 Why are you all dressed in black?
00:22:18 No, baby. I'm Johnny Cash. Hello.
00:22:24 But I'll look at the house
00:22:28 Soon as I'm done robbing that bank.
00:22:32 Have a good time.
00:22:43 - Okay. Ready?
00:22:50 Sorry.
00:22:52 All right.
00:22:57 - Here we go.
00:23:02 - Under the fence.
00:23:05 Go. Go. Go.
00:23:08 What are you doing? It's open.
00:23:12 John. See those dead bushes?
00:23:20 - That's the window there.
00:23:23 - I'm not going in.
00:23:25 Someone has to watch in case
00:23:28 - You said he would be out.
00:23:31 - Then why do we need a lookout?
00:23:34 - You go in.
00:23:38 - What risk?
00:23:42 Just go!
00:24:05 - Crap! John.
00:24:09 John!
00:24:12 Good luck, buddy.
00:24:32 Well, well. What have we here?
00:24:36 - Please don't shoot me.
00:24:41 - Are you gonna call the police?
00:24:47 What are you gonna do?
00:24:48 My wife died several years ago,
00:24:52 It's really nice
00:25:04 - Now what?
00:25:08 Spoon?
00:25:10 You remember when we went
00:25:15 ...and we had those sand dabs
00:25:21 - Yes.
00:25:26 Yes.
00:25:28 I don't think we've ever had sand dabs
00:25:32 - Remember the boat ride over?
00:25:35 We drove.
00:25:38 Oh, yeah.
00:25:42 Happy times. Turn.
00:25:50 The petting zoo...
00:25:53 All right. Now we do the photo shoot.
00:25:59 Oh, my God.
00:26:10 It won't do you any good
00:26:13 I'm a respected member of the
00:26:20 A mint?
00:26:26 I'm not gay.
00:26:29 I miss her very much...
00:26:31 ...and I haven't been able
00:26:40 - Do you understand?
00:26:49 Catch you around here again,
00:27:13 That was enough. I had to tell Elaine
00:27:18 And no matter how unpleasant
00:27:21 ...it couldn't hold a candle
00:27:25 Hi.
00:27:28 Hi.
00:27:31 I'm gonna go take a shower.
00:27:33 Wait. Don't you think you should tell
00:27:38 What?
00:27:44 You said you were gonna
00:27:49 That house.
00:27:53 - It was great. Great.
00:27:57 I am so glad you liked it.
00:28:01 Because I did something bad.
00:28:04 I can't even believe I did this,
00:28:08 - What do you mean?
00:28:12 But I just love the house so much,
00:28:17 - What about the $30,000?
00:28:21 All of it. In escrow. And we find out
00:28:27 Isn't it exciting? Everything is
00:28:32 Aren't you thrilled?
00:28:36 - Yeah.
00:28:38 I'm in happy shock.
00:28:44 Duff! You left me there.
00:28:46 You said he wasn't home
00:28:49 I tried to warn you.
00:28:52 Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened
00:28:56 If nothing happened,
00:28:59 Elaine put in an offer on this house.
00:29:04 "Sorry, Noreen. Hope you like
00:29:08 Mr. Warner wants to see you
00:29:11 Thanks, Loretta.
00:29:20 I'm calling regarding the property
00:29:24 I'd like to put in an offer.
00:29:27 You have an offer already now,
00:29:31 Well, perhaps I could throw my hat
00:29:38 John. Come on in.
00:29:42 So, John-boy...
00:29:45 What did you and my little girl
00:29:49 - Hung out, watched television.
00:29:52 That's funny. I was visiting a friend
00:29:57 ...9:30, 9:45,
00:30:01 ...run out of somebody's house
00:30:04 I saw you, John. Rex saw you.
00:30:10 - No.
00:30:12 Odd. It looked just like you,
00:30:15 He got into a car
00:30:18 Interesting.
00:30:20 You wouldn't lie to me. So I guess
00:30:25 I'll just have to watch what's
00:30:34 - You won't have to watch...
00:30:37 I won't have to watch what?
00:30:41 - I should...
00:30:43 Confess!
00:30:45 I really need to get back to work.
00:30:51 We know.
00:30:54 We know, don't we, Rex?
00:30:58 Okay. I see what's going on here.
00:31:03 That's great. Let me ask you this:
00:31:07 Good. Three of them?
00:31:10 Because I want an audience
00:31:14 ...and beat the living bejesus
00:31:23 - I was putting an offer on your house.
00:31:28 He's mulling it over.
00:31:31 We got the house!
00:31:33 I was worried about the other offer,
00:31:37 It must be fate! I'm so happy!
00:31:46 Should we stop?
00:31:48 Why do you always do that?
00:31:52 We get a nice mood going,
00:31:55 I think you have some intimacy
00:32:01 What is that?
00:32:04 John! John, come here!
00:32:09 Is that Duff?
00:32:11 Yeah, I guess it is.
00:32:15 - You can't ring the doorbell?
00:32:19 That's why you were
00:32:22 Okay, well, I guess someone doesn't
00:32:25 - From where?
00:32:28 Are you serious?
00:32:31 Don't worry about it. Hop in.
00:32:35 - I see.
00:32:37 - Evening, ma'am.
00:32:40 You wanna shut it off for me?
00:32:46 Just, please.
00:32:50 I thought you weren't
00:32:53 - Duff's grown up an awful lot.
00:32:58 - Casserole.
00:33:01 - I thought you said casserole.
00:33:04 I heard casserole.
00:33:05 I bumped into Duff, and when
00:33:10 ...he was so thrilled, he offered
00:33:14 - What are you...?
00:33:17 - We may have to do soil tests...
00:33:20 - You're...
00:33:22 - Checking the roots.
00:33:24 - Irrigation.
00:33:44 You're waking everybody up!
00:33:56 You come here a lot, Jack?
00:33:59 I don't think that's any of your
00:34:04 - Sorry.
00:34:06 The state lottery jackpot's
00:34:10 I don't think the lottery's
00:34:12 Shut up before I show this shoe
00:34:16 I don't like this guy.
00:34:19 He just wants to know what's
00:34:27 Not here.
00:34:30 My uncle owns one of the biggest
00:34:33 He's a very successful man.
00:34:36 That's because I found
00:34:39 That opportunity being alcoholics.
00:34:43 And after all these years of work,
00:34:48 - The lottery.
00:34:50 I have one of the biggest lottery
00:34:53 Tomorrow alone we'll take
00:34:56 You know what I get for that?
00:35:01 So tell him the plan.
00:35:08 Not here.
00:35:11 I got so much lottery money,
00:35:16 I dump it into a cardboard box
00:35:20 Can you imagine how easy
00:35:24 - Wouldn't that be bad?
00:35:28 ...unless I knew who was robbing me,
00:35:33 It's foolproof. We stick the place up,
00:35:38 - And you're gonna be there.
00:35:42 ...so nobody smells anything.
00:35:44 The kid behind the counter
00:35:48 Is he gonna piss when he sees
00:35:52 - Gun? No. No way.
00:35:56 - We're not gonna use real guns.
00:36:00 ...I'll give you 30,000
00:36:03 You in or out?
00:36:06 - Can I think about it?
00:36:10 ...your sack with a dull penknife.
00:36:13 - Where did you get him?
00:36:20 Excuse me.
00:36:21 Is this 100% cotton?
00:36:25 - Nice.
00:36:29 None of these guns look real. This one
00:36:34 Don't they have any
00:36:37 - Maybe we should use slingshots.
00:36:42 - It's a toy.
00:36:46 Define the word weapon for me...
00:36:48 ...while this baby smashes into
00:36:53 - Hello?
00:36:57 - Can I help you?
00:37:00 ...that looks like a real gun.
00:37:05 We don't sell realistic weapons, sir.
00:37:08 Our store's policy is to make
00:37:12 Do you sell spray paint?
00:37:15 - Can I help you guys?
00:37:28 Look, John...
00:37:30 ...we got Mr. Tough Guy here.
00:37:33 Are you ready?
00:37:36 No?
00:37:41 How about now, you bastards?
00:37:45 You want a slice of this?
00:37:49 How would you like a whole plateful
00:37:54 What?
00:37:55 You boys look nice.
00:37:59 Mom...
00:38:00 ...get out of here!
00:38:06 - You nervous?
00:38:08 - You got your gun?
00:38:12 - It looks good, though.
00:38:15 - Let's do this.
00:38:21 - John, wait.
00:38:22 - We should make up some names.
00:38:26 Just in case we have to communicate
00:38:28 I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy,
00:38:33 He got two girls pregnant.
00:38:37 - Yeah, Kyle. Who you gonna be?
00:38:41 - Steve.
00:38:43 - Okay, Steve.
00:38:47 Wait.
00:38:48 - What?
00:38:50 - I'm Steve. You're Carl.
00:38:53 - I just wanna go in there and do this!
00:38:56 Excuse me.
00:38:58 All right, American cattle!
00:39:00 Nobody does anything stupid
00:39:04 - Put your hands in the air, sweetheart.
00:39:08 - Get them up.
00:39:10 - It's underneath.
00:39:12 If he tries to be a hero,
00:39:15 - I hear you, Kyle.
00:39:19 - He's Kyle!
00:39:22 - Keep the hands up, schoolboy!
00:39:25 Yeah, come to Steve.
00:39:28 All right, get on the floor
00:39:32 No skipping numbers or counting
00:39:37 - One. Two...
00:39:40 Not now. Let's go!
00:39:42 I don't think so, punk-ass! Freeze!
00:39:45 You move, I pop you like a pimple.
00:39:48 Now put the box down.
00:39:51 Now drop the guns.
00:39:55 Drop it!
00:39:57 - I'm trying. The paint, it's stuck.
00:40:02 Steve. My name is Steve!
00:40:04 Drop it!
00:40:08 Go! Go! Go!
00:40:43 - We almost died.
00:40:47 There was one other time,
00:40:51 I told you it was a bad idea.
00:40:53 - Know your problem?
00:40:55 You can't thank people
00:40:58 Help me get my ass shot off?
00:41:01 I give up. I failed Noreen, and I don't
00:41:05 I've been thinking of this scam
00:41:12 You were never Steve!
00:41:16 One of these guys was about 6 foot.
00:41:22 The same, only heavier.
00:41:24 - And you said his name was...?
00:41:30 ...or Steve.
00:41:31 - And the other guy's name was...?
00:41:35 - Do you have a permit?
00:41:38 - How many times did you fire it?
00:41:43 I didn't shoot out the sign.
00:41:46 They shot the sign, not me.
00:41:48 And then they doubled back
00:41:53 They were crazy. They were crazy.
00:41:59 Anything else you'd like
00:42:02 I don't know if this would help...
00:42:04 ...I remember four digits
00:42:07 No. I don't think that
00:42:10 What are you, a complete numskull?
00:42:25 Yeah, I can't believe I got in!
00:42:31 - Patty?
00:42:33 - It's John.
00:42:41 - How's it going?
00:42:48 The doorbell gave out this morning,
00:42:52 - A little late for an electrician.
00:42:56 You got something to say,
00:42:59 Hey.
00:43:06 I know I've always been
00:43:10 ...but what can I tell you?
00:43:14 And a thing for
00:43:18 Why are you so mean?
00:43:20 Patty, I'm sorry! I'm having
00:43:25 I'm having trouble
00:43:28 John...
00:43:35 Do you remember
00:43:38 - And that suit you wore?
00:43:41 You couldn't tie your tie, and you
00:43:46 - It was no big deal. The priest did it.
00:43:52 Because I'm your older sister, and
00:43:58 I mean, look, I know I'm not
00:44:03 ...but...
00:44:06 God, John...
00:44:09 ...what you are doing for Noreen...
00:44:14 ...is so generous and so good.
00:44:20 It's nice to know after all this time...
00:44:23 ...I have a little brother
00:44:28 You know I love you.
00:44:30 You're my family.
00:44:46 Uncle John! What a surprise!
00:44:48 This is my uncle. If it wasn't for him,
00:45:21 Pull the vehicle forward.
00:45:25 Ricky, swing to the branch.
00:45:28 Pretend you're a little monkey,
00:45:31 ...and you're pruning.
00:45:34 Good. Yeah, no... On the branch.
00:45:38 Swing it, swing on the branch.
00:45:42 Hey, how did she take the news?
00:45:47 Did she shake?
00:45:49 I didn't tell her, Duff, and I'm not
00:45:54 Because I am going to see Loach.
00:45:58 - Are you sure?
00:45:59 And you're coming with me. Right now.
00:46:08 Okay, that's an act of God.
00:46:11 Hang in there, Ricky.
00:46:13 Yes, I understand it was a funeral.
00:46:19 I can see how a happy happy-birthday
00:46:24 ...might seem ironic and cruel,
00:46:34 It's not that easy running a small-sized
00:46:40 ...especially this house!
00:46:43 I'm sorry he's dead, but things
00:46:49 Can I put you on hold?
00:47:01 - Hello.
00:47:04 Is it okay if I come over?
00:47:14 - What do you want?
00:47:17 Lift high and lower. Point the toes.
00:47:31 Hey, guys. We're old
00:47:35 We went to school with him.
00:47:37 Yeah, school. I'm sure
00:47:40 You probably went there for a couple
00:47:45 I'm just kidding.
00:47:48 Why is anybody talking?
00:47:51 Hey, Dave.
00:47:54 John Plummer. Remember?
00:47:58 - I call everybody asshole.
00:48:02 - We were 5, maybe 6, at the time.
00:48:07 Now get to the point.
00:48:09 I might need a partner
00:48:12 How heavy?
00:48:13 Well, let's just say it's a little
00:48:22 Okay, so talk.
00:48:27 Not here.
00:48:36 Okay, just so we're all on the same
00:48:41 So let's keep it real, boys. Keep it
00:48:50 I could smell your foot.
00:48:55 He's been acting strange.
00:48:58 The first night he came home,
00:49:03 - That's not good.
00:49:06 Now, sweetheart, let's not rush
00:49:11 Your shitty boyfriend
00:49:14 ...and we might have some
00:49:17 Tell me. Tell me.
00:49:19 No. I don't want to upset you
00:49:23 ...that I can upset you.
00:49:26 ...and then we'll respond
00:49:31 What happened?
00:49:34 He said he'd get it for me tomorrow,
00:49:39 I don't know how this is gonna
00:49:42 - Things could get a little crazy.
00:49:47 Kitten, I gave the VC 1 8 months to
00:49:52 - Don't worry about me.
00:49:55 No, you're not.
00:49:58 Doesn't concern me? It's my life.
00:50:00 You made a heck of a job out of it.
00:50:04 I don't want you wasting more time.
00:50:09 I can support myself. Once my basket
00:50:14 Putting bows on faggy little olives
00:50:19 It's a nice hobby,
00:50:23 It's always money with you.
00:50:27 Sometimes I think you care more
00:50:31 Kitten, honey, innocent...
00:50:35 I don't want you getting
00:50:38 Yeah.
00:50:49 Hello? Is anyone home?
00:50:54 Hello?
00:51:01 Well, well. What have we here?
00:51:09 What kind of car did we have
00:51:15 - I think it was an El Dorado.
00:51:18 It was an El Dorado, wasn't it? Turn.
00:51:29 I'm not a homosexual, you understand.
00:51:36 - I lost my wife three years ago.
00:51:41 Well, not to this extent, per se,
00:51:47 You can go ahead
00:51:51 Can I have some privacy? I feel funny
00:52:13 What the hell?
00:52:17 I'm here investigating
00:52:20 ...that occurred a short time ago
00:52:24 - I don't know anything about that.
00:52:28 The license plate on your car matches
00:52:33 ...used during the robbery.
00:52:36 - It was with me the whole night.
00:52:39 With... My friend.
00:52:42 - Having a couple beers.
00:52:45 I just don't really remember, because
00:52:50 - You drove drunk?
00:52:53 You were in the car and you were
00:52:58 Not that I can recall.
00:53:01 - What was your friend's name?
00:53:06 And this Duff will say that you were
00:53:11 Yeah, he will. Very much so. Yeah.
00:53:17 - You seem a little shaky, Plummer.
00:53:21 - The booze. It's a bad scene.
00:53:27 You told him you were with me.
00:53:30 - You want me to lie to a cop?
00:53:35 - Where is Loach?
00:53:37 He told us to park in this lot at 3:00
00:53:43 Well, it's 1 0 after.
00:53:47 Yes, he will. This is a plan that,
00:53:52 And do you know why?
00:53:53 Because I did a little creative
00:53:56 ...and I saw it succeeding
00:53:59 Everybody, hands in the air!
00:54:03 Facedown! Money in the bag!
00:54:06 I'll shoot you in the ass!
00:54:08 He's not gonna show.
00:54:09 - Yes, he will.
00:54:13 - Let's hit it! Start the car, asshole.
00:54:17 - Drive! Hit it! Hit it!
00:54:21 - Wait, where's my money?
00:54:24 Jesus, John, just drive.
00:54:28 I'm not going anywhere
00:54:31 - Get these guys out of the car!
00:54:35 - You are dead!
00:54:37 - You are so dead! You're dead!
00:54:41 We're dead. Go! Go!
00:54:46 Get back here, you asshole!
00:54:54 I hit David Loach in the head.
00:54:58 That's super. Nice plan, by the way.
00:55:02 ...because there was a gun pointed
00:55:06 - See you later.
00:55:09 I'm certainly not gonna stick around
00:55:13 - I'm just supposed to leave my car?
00:55:18 - Not knowing when to cut your losses.
00:55:23 That's not my problem.
00:55:26 You. Are. The. Problem!
00:55:29 You! You! You!
00:56:30 It's a two-way mirror, Duff.
00:56:56 I turned 40 last week.
00:57:00 Do you know what I did?
00:57:02 Got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer.
00:57:07 "You have one of the cleanest rectums
00:57:13 During my quiet time here at work,
00:57:17 ...I have here in my desk to get
00:57:21 Just for a really good scrubbing.
00:57:29 - You think you're so smart, don't you?
00:57:34 The way you made those
00:57:38 ...just got rid of them somehow.
00:57:42 - Will you do me a personal favor, son?
00:57:45 Don't ever play me like a flute. Okay?
00:57:51 You two idiots got real lucky.
00:57:56 But mark my words, gentlemen.
00:58:00 I mean, you're either going down
00:58:05 But either way, once you're down...
00:58:11 You'll stay down! You'll stay down!
00:58:14 You will stay down!
00:58:18 Now get up and get out!
00:58:19 Get up, get out! Get up, get out!
00:58:24 Get up and go! Get up and go!
00:58:41 Hello.
00:58:44 I know you're wondering
00:58:46 ...and I know I've been distracted
00:58:50 ...everything's gonna get back
00:58:58 - I'll get that. Don't worry about it.
00:59:01 - What did I do?
00:59:06 ...and now I find out
00:59:11 What? Where did you get this?
00:59:13 From Daddy. You're a drag queen!
00:59:16 You are a cross-dressing
00:59:19 - And you lied to me.
00:59:24 Noreen got into Harvard,
00:59:27 ...I promised to pay for it.
00:59:30 ...from this guy, but I ended up in
00:59:35 - Spooning?
00:59:38 Then I went into a liquor store with a
00:59:43 And today I came this close to driving
00:59:49 And I hit David Loach in the face with
00:59:53 - Crazy David from school?
00:59:57 - What did you do to him?
01:00:00 He's always watching me.
01:00:04 ...he's here to take you on dates!
01:00:06 Where he squires you around. You go
01:00:11 ...and I have freaky dreams
01:00:14 Why didn't you come to me
01:00:19 Why was the hardest thing
01:00:24 Of all the things I've done
01:00:27 ...the one thing I couldn't do
01:00:34 Do you like my baskets?
01:00:37 Yeah.
01:00:39 - You don't think they're just a hobby?
01:00:46 John.
01:00:58 I know where we can get $30,000.
01:01:01 - Where?
01:01:03 We're not borrowing
01:01:05 - I know. We're gonna take it from him.
01:01:11 When he was drunk, he told me he
01:01:16 - At Homespital?
01:01:19 Waiting for us.
01:01:21 This is gonna be easy.
01:01:23 - And fun.
01:01:25 - Stealing from your father?
01:01:30 - We're really just stealing from them.
01:01:34 Yeah.
01:01:37 So tell me again about how you hit
01:01:43 Well, let's just put it this way.
01:01:48 You are so sexy right now.
01:01:56 - You're not crying.
01:02:04 She couldn't spell "tarp"?
01:02:11 Wait.
01:02:14 I have a confession to make.
01:02:18 What?
01:02:19 I never saw the house.
01:02:22 - Isn't it cute?
01:02:24 I love it.
01:02:33 I love that kitchen.
01:02:40 Elaine said we needed
01:02:43 ...and there was only one place
01:02:47 We had to go to Duff.
01:02:55 - What's this?
01:02:59 Really? Is it good?
01:03:02 Is it mild and nutty,
01:03:05 Named after the Gruyères district
01:03:08 I happen to know what Gruyères is,
01:03:16 Gruyère is in France.
01:03:18 - Whatever, Elaine.
01:03:22 Mom! Privacy!
01:03:25 - You hit my head on the car.
01:03:29 - I have to wear a Band-Aid.
01:03:35 I can't stay mad at you, man.
01:03:39 We have to promise to not say any
01:03:43 - I have never said anything mean.
01:03:47 - You're a bag of crap.
01:03:49 - You're such a loser!
01:03:51 Okay, super! So we're all on board.
01:04:04 Well, hello.
01:04:16 - Everybody ready?
01:04:19 - Yeah.
01:04:21 I'm ready, Steve.
01:04:22 - It's Stan.
01:04:25 You saw what happened to Steve.
01:04:34 Let's do this.
01:04:39 Okay. Come on, come on.
01:04:42 Go. Go. Go.
01:04:52 Duff, what is that?
01:04:55 Do you know what you're doing?
01:04:57 I'd like to think the answer
01:05:08 Over here.
01:05:18 Cleaners.
01:05:22 They're leaving.
01:05:48 We've got a little surprise for you.
01:06:05 Duff, is that Silly Putty?
01:06:08 In a manner of speaking, yes, it is.
01:06:12 You guys, it's open.
01:06:25 - Wow, he really likes you.
01:06:29 My little girl with those two lumps...
01:06:40 There you go.
01:06:43 He said there was money in here.
01:06:45 Let's look in his office. Smash a
01:06:49 Smash a window?
01:06:54 Think he might have caught a whiff
01:07:00 I can't find it. And there's not
01:07:04 - I bet it's in there.
01:07:06 Organ Man.
01:07:15 Snack time. Go get the hand.
01:07:52 It's here. All right, let's go.
01:07:54 - Hold it.
01:07:55 You. In command. Taking control.
01:08:00 You're very sexy right now.
01:08:04 - What?
01:08:31 Here we go. Okay.
01:09:21 Okay. Okay.
01:09:30 Joe. Homespital.
01:09:34 Detective Charles.
01:09:38 No! Just get away! Get away!
01:09:46 Asshole! Think you could just
01:09:52 Loach?
01:09:53 Cheap-shot me, then leave me
01:09:56 I know we sort of got our signals
01:10:00 ...but I've got $50,000 here,
01:10:04 Well, well, well. If it isn't big, bad
01:10:10 Why don't you go back in the closet?
01:10:14 Did you enjoy getting the crap kicked
01:10:17 You back for seconds, little man?
01:10:21 Daddy!
01:10:23 - Thank you, Mr. Warner.
01:10:27 Come over here and stand
01:10:30 Well, you piece of shit.
01:10:32 - Wanna explain what's going on?
01:10:34 Shut your cakehole and let's get it on.
01:10:38 In all fairness, I'm younger
01:10:42 - I don't wanna hear from you.
01:10:45 Well, Mr. Warner,
01:10:49 Know how I told you I never
01:10:53 Well, I wasn't being entirely truthful.
01:10:55 We did it the first night we met.
01:10:59 ...we've been banging together like a
01:11:03 - So get used to it.
01:11:06 As soon as you get used to walking
01:11:10 ...in a fanny pack!
01:11:22 Come on!
01:11:30 I urge you to drop it!
01:11:36 John, wait! Stop!
01:11:39 - Duff, get in!
01:11:41 Okay, go! Go! Go! Go! John, go!
01:11:45 Duff, where were you?
01:11:48 - Drop the weapon. Put it down!
01:11:51 - They're stealing from my man.
01:11:54 - From my man.
01:11:57 They were gonna have sex
01:11:59 Listen to me. These won't hurt a bit.
01:12:03 - Drive!
01:12:07 - We've got to get rid of the dog.
01:12:10 No! Stop the dog!
01:12:15 Oh, my God!
01:12:29 Daddy!
01:12:33 - I'm fine.
01:12:36 I'm fine. I'm fine, really.
01:12:39 It's a good thing you're here, officer.
01:12:42 Because a crime
01:12:45 Put the dog down.
01:12:48 Number four.
01:12:49 "Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."
01:12:52 Now number three.
01:12:55 "Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."
01:12:59 That's him. The guy in the middle
01:13:02 They robbed the liquor store,
01:13:07 ...and the chocolate milk...
01:13:10 Might as well tell me everything.
01:13:15 You know one of them's
01:13:17 I don't think so. Elaine won't talk.
01:13:20 She's my fiancée. We have a bond.
01:13:22 Fair enough. What about Mr. Duffy?
01:13:25 - Duff's my oldest friend in the world.
01:13:29 He did it. He planned it.
01:13:33 Give me a pen. I'll sign a blank piece
01:13:37 This is not good.
01:13:41 Animal cruelty.
01:13:45 This is bad.
01:13:54 Okay, look. You are so going to jail.
01:13:57 The best idea is to plead
01:14:00 All rise.
01:14:04 The Honorable Emmett Cook
01:14:09 Good morning, everyone.
01:14:20 Remember me?
01:14:33 I have the picture.
01:14:40 I can... You know, I don't...
01:14:44 So... Charges are dismissed.
01:14:48 - Justice!
01:15:18 - What are you doing here?
01:15:21 Look at me.
01:15:24 I wouldn't last a day in there. They'd
01:15:30 I'm sorry, man.
01:15:36 I mean it.
01:15:41 This is $1000, Duff.
01:15:48 - You know what your problem is?
01:15:52 You're too good a friend.
01:16:03 John?
01:16:07 People always talk about fate.
01:16:12 I'd always hoped we were masters
01:16:17 And my destiny had become a bet
01:16:23 That, believe it or not,
01:16:26 I had tried a lot of ways
01:16:29 ...and all it ever got me was punched,
01:16:33 - And they're off!
01:16:35 ...pinning Noreen's hopes
01:16:39 ...couldn't win if it was
01:16:42 And trailing is number 5, M'Lady.
01:16:48 Making his move from behind,
01:16:52 But for some reason, that day...
01:16:56 ...my horse ran the race of his life.
01:17:00 As we enter the stretch, number 4,
01:17:05 It's a two-horse race.
01:17:07 So was that fate? I don't know.
01:17:11 If you show up, do your best and
01:17:17 ...you don't have to believe
01:17:19 - And it's M'Lady by a nose!
01:17:28 Things worked out.
01:17:34 Noreen couldn't be there.
01:17:37 So Patty was the maid of honor.
01:17:40 And there on the steps
01:17:44 ...surrounded by our special friends...
01:17:47 ...it felt like we were finally
01:17:53 The only thing I didn't figure out
01:17:58 Well, well. What have we here?
01:22:03 Okay.
01:22:05 Wait. Let me shut it.
01:22:07 I know exactly
01:22:13 I just salivated on you, I'm sorry.
01:22:15 Saliva shot onto your body.
01:22:20 So do I get paid...?
01:22:24 - Let's go.
01:22:25 What... is it?
01:22:29 Suddenly I'm William Shatner.
01:22:39 - What is it?
01:22:43 Wait. Sorry. Go back. Wait. Okay.
01:22:52 I'm your private dancer.
01:22:54 - You're a bag of crap.
01:22:56 - You shut up!
01:22:58 Okay. Super. So we're all on board.
01:23:01 Stupid bag of crap.
01:23:04 Any free landscaping you want.
01:23:06 I'll trim your bush.
01:23:09 How would you like me to...?
01:23:15 It's been a while.
01:23:22 I forgot my line!
01:23:26 Mom, privacy!
01:23:30 Mom, privacy!
01:23:37 Big truck.
01:23:42 Nobody does anything...
01:23:49 I'm supposed to leave my car here?
01:23:52 You know what your problem is, Duff?
01:23:55 You know what...? Sorry.
01:23:58 Okay, but I don't...
01:24:00 ...spoon until...
01:24:04 ...after.
01:24:06 Your head is so yellow and furry.
01:24:12 I don't look fat in this, do I?
01:24:16 - We've been doing it...
01:24:18 ...a lot.
01:24:21 Hi, Duff.
01:24:27 Get on the floor!
01:24:30 And...
01:24:33 Okay, I want the money.
01:24:36 Now.
01:24:38 Now.
01:24:41 Spooning feels dirty.
01:24:47 I work hard for the money.
01:24:51 So hard for the money.
01:24:58 - Tuna.
01:25:02 Hold on. One more time.
01:25:04 Holding. Anytime.
01:25:08 One more time.
01:25:15 All right. Cut.
01:25:19 That's what I'm talking about.