Still Waiting

en
00:03:49 So how are things going with you?
00:03:52 Well, everything was going great
00:03:54 until they opened
00:03:55 They've been taking
00:03:57 some of my best girls.
00:03:58 But the district manager
00:04:03 Guess who's next in line.
00:04:05 I think I'm getting a little bored.
00:04:06 Guess who stopped by yesterday.
00:04:09 Who?
00:04:10 Mrs. Silverman and her son.
00:04:12 Tom. Hey, how is Tom?
00:04:13 Oh, good, good.
00:04:15 He was with his beautiful pregnant wife.
00:04:18 Is that so?
00:04:19 You don't really have
00:04:23 Nope. Sure don't.
00:04:25 You don't even have a bastard child
00:04:29 Mom, he's paralyzed.
00:04:32 That means I'm next. Okay?
00:04:34 That means I'm district manager.
00:04:36 Things around here
00:04:38 Just like they were going to change
00:04:43 Good-bye.
00:04:53 Look, honey,
00:04:54 I care about you way too much
00:04:58 so I'm going to have
00:05:00 Cool. You do that.
00:05:01 Allison, listen, I don't want you
00:05:05 except by me.
00:05:07 Come on.
00:05:09 It's a gateway job.
00:05:10 Yeah.
00:05:13 What the fuck?
00:05:15 You'll be working a stripper pole
00:05:18 You're going to be a young mother
00:05:39 What's up, stranger?
00:05:40 Oh, my God! Hi.
00:05:42 Hi, honey. Baby doll.
00:05:45 Oh, my gosh.
00:05:47 Yeah. I finally took the plunge.
00:05:50 Well, do you want the grand tour?
00:05:51 - Yes, please.
00:05:52 I've never worked
00:05:56 You'll be fine.
00:05:58 - You know. Come on.
00:06:33 Hey, Josh.
00:06:35 - Josh.
00:06:38 Man, you look like unshaven shit.
00:06:40 Thank you, Amber. Thanks.
00:06:41 You're making a big deal
00:06:43 It's not nothing. I'm haunted.
00:06:45 Every night, I have
00:06:46 Everything starts off great,
00:06:48 and then I get set, like,
00:06:50 Hey, there, folks.
00:06:51 - I'll have a Pepsi.
00:06:52 She'll have a sweet tea.
00:06:54 How about raspberry tea?
00:06:56 How about no?
00:06:57 - Hot tea.
00:06:58 We're catching a movie,
00:07:00 so we need you to rush
00:07:02 Excuse me!
00:07:03 Uh, just one second. Yes?
00:07:04 What's your fish of the day?
00:07:06 We don't have a fish of the day.
00:07:07 - Did I say decaf?
00:07:09 We haven't looked at the menu yet.
00:07:10 If I get the salad bar with my steak...
00:07:12 What is that, German?
00:07:14 I need a steak well-done!
00:07:15 The printer ran out of ink.
00:07:17 Whatever.
00:07:19 There's a problem in the kitchen.
00:07:20 All the orders were deleted, okay?
00:07:22 Oh, my God.
00:07:23 Are you kidding me?
00:07:25 I want the salad bar.
00:07:28 Then I end up naked in front
00:07:31 You're a vagina.
00:07:32 You've just been working too hard.
00:07:35 Whatever.
00:07:44 Hey.
00:07:46 Miguel,
00:07:47 that's more than 3 ounces
00:07:49 We talked about this before.
00:07:51 Less queso.
00:07:53 More listen-o.
00:08:00 Okay, Allison. All right.
00:08:03 First thing we need to do
00:08:05 Okay?
00:08:06 Uh, sizes are small, extra small,
00:08:09 and extra extra small.
00:08:10 Oh, uh, extra small?
00:08:14 Then you probably want
00:08:16 because management likes
00:08:19 And by a little, I mean a lot.
00:08:22 Cute.
00:08:24 Oh, no jewelry.
00:08:25 Sorry.
00:08:26 Yeah, management says
00:08:28 But...
00:08:30 But they have approved nipple rings.
00:08:31 I don't know if that helps.
00:08:33 Uh, you get 50 percent off food,
00:08:36 I guess that's about it.
00:08:37 Just, um, saddle up.
00:08:40 Cool.
00:08:44 - Here? I m... now?
00:08:47 If you have any questions
00:08:49 to squeeze in anything...
00:08:50 You'll be right there.
00:08:51 ...tuck anything in
00:08:54 Yeah, I... I think I'm good.
00:08:56 I think I'm good.
00:08:58 Okay.
00:09:00 Okay, Miguel,
00:09:02 if you're going to step up
00:09:04 and work under me on Friday night,
00:09:05 - you got to keep your cool, okay?
00:09:07 Friday's the hardest part
00:09:10 because we also have
00:09:12 And all the fucking
00:09:15 which, as you can imagine,
00:09:18 Now, we get it all, okay?
00:09:20 So when the shit hits the fan,
00:09:21 and it's going to hit the fan, Miguel,
00:09:24 you better not freak out
00:09:26 A lot of people can't hack this.
00:09:27 Sí, sí. I know, ese.
00:09:28 And you better have
00:09:31 Okay?
00:09:33 If I start screwing with you, just...
00:09:35 joking around or something like that,
00:09:36 or if you mess up and I call you on it,
00:09:39 don't run off and pussy out
00:09:42 You got to have a pretty thick skin
00:09:44 Seriously.
00:09:46 Sour cream Sanchez!
00:09:48 Olé!
00:09:52 See, all over his...
00:09:54 Ahh, he makes me laugh.
00:10:18 Hey, Natasha.
00:10:20 You're looking sexier
00:10:22 Thanks, Agnew. So are you.
00:10:24 Are you still dating Allison,
00:10:27 Who?
00:10:29 No, I can...
00:10:30 I can see whoever I want.
00:10:31 Speaking of, what time
00:10:35 Actually, I'm getting off right now.
00:10:37 I'm not working tonight.
00:10:39 Man, that sucks.
00:10:41 Because wouldn't it be great
00:10:46 Don't worry.
00:10:47 You'll get off soon enough.
00:10:49 Okay, we get it.
00:10:50 You two want to fuck each other.
00:10:52 Natasha,
00:10:53 go be a whore elsewhere, okay?
00:10:55 Agnew...
00:10:56 go plot your next date rape in the kitchen,
00:10:58 or your station's going
00:10:59 - Hello, Naomi.
00:11:02 Hey. You got everything you need?
00:11:05 Good one. All right.
00:11:08 Hey, Hank. Heard you had
00:11:09 - How it was?
00:11:11 Just a few peeps over
00:11:13 Uh, any hot chickens there?
00:11:15 Or was it a pud party?
00:11:16 There was a few cuties.
00:11:18 Amber and Kristy swung by.
00:11:20 Oh, really? Uh, oh.
00:11:21 Well, sorry I couldn't make it.
00:11:23 I couldn't, uh, be invited.
00:11:31 Uh, listen, Hank,
00:11:33 would you mind
00:11:36 And, uh, go easy on the elbow.
00:11:38 I got a bunch of half-naked chicks next door.
00:11:41 They are hawking hot wings
00:12:02 Hey, come here, little lady.
00:12:05 Where you going?
00:12:06 - Give me a twirl.
00:12:08 Very nice.
00:12:09 Very nice.
00:12:11 Seriously, if I were still in my bi phase,
00:12:13 I would eat your ass like a sandwich.
00:12:15 What?
00:12:16 Gotcha.
00:12:18 I'm still in that bi phase.
00:12:20 Raddimus,
00:12:24 Oh, how can I forget that?
00:12:30 No, I don't think we've met.
00:12:31 I'm Raddimus. Hi.
00:12:34 So it's her first day, and I got to jet.
00:12:35 Could you show her
00:12:37 Oh, love to.
00:12:39 - Thank you.
00:12:40 Show 'em what you got.
00:12:41 - Okay.
00:12:43 Okay. The grill's over there,
00:12:47 and the pick-up area is right there.
00:12:49 Great. Cool.
00:12:51 Got that. Anything else I should know?
00:12:53 No, not really.
00:12:56 Oh, yeah.
00:12:58 There is one thing.
00:13:02 Did Hailey tell you about
00:13:08 No.
00:13:09 Oh. Okay.
00:13:11 Let's play.
00:13:14 I don't know.
00:13:16 We'll do a little stretching first.
00:13:18 Jesus.
00:13:19 Come on, baby.
00:13:20 Call me crazy, I might be.
00:13:23 One time I fucked a tiger
00:13:26 Suck a cow's tits.
00:13:30 You can't suck her dick
00:13:32 What's up, Nick?
00:13:34 What's up, T-doggie doggie dawg?
00:13:36 My name is Theo.
00:13:38 Quit acting like that.
00:13:39 Come on, nigga.
00:13:42 You know, white kids acting black,
00:13:44 Shit was passé when we did it.
00:13:46 Let it go.
00:13:49 Bitch.
00:13:51 The next position is called the clitar.
00:13:54 You take your panties...
00:13:55 Now, are you lert-handed
00:13:56 Right. Right-handed.
00:13:58 Right on.
00:14:01 So then you go... all right, baby?
00:14:02 Then you just start jamming
00:14:10 Raddimus!
00:14:11 Nobody's going to play
00:14:14 All right? Give it up.
00:14:22 Hey, Dan, uh,
00:14:23 corporate didn't mention you were com...
00:14:25 Uh, come on in, man.
00:14:26 I was just, uh, going over
00:14:28 Perfect. That's what I
00:14:30 Seems we haven't gotten
00:14:32 Everything on track?
00:14:33 My numbers? They're good.
00:14:35 They're excellent.
00:14:37 Hoo, that is a relief
00:14:39 - They're all about the numbers.
00:14:41 Especially with that district manager job
00:14:44 Well, it's a good thing
00:14:48 Yeah, let's just have a look.
00:14:49 No, they're not finalized yet.
00:14:50 I don't want to steal
00:14:52 Let's just have a little
00:14:54 It's no...
00:15:01 I'm going to make my numbers
00:15:04 Come on, man. I've got 9 Gs to go.
00:15:06 Yeah. That's great.
00:15:08 Doesn't the quarter end tonight?
00:15:12 Yeah.
00:15:13 Come on, Dan.
00:15:14 We used to make our numbers all the time
00:15:16 before you guys opened
00:15:18 Titty bar makes numbers, babe.
00:15:20 They do what it takes to win.
00:15:22 Now, if you don't want to play it tough,
00:15:24 we'll just give that district
00:15:26 He's a hot shot.
00:15:35 This is not my office.
00:15:37 How'd you get in here?
00:15:39 That tickle? Are you
00:15:42 Wait. Come back.
00:15:58 Oh, Allison.
00:15:59 What's up?
00:16:01 What a gorgeous day to start.
00:16:03 You look amazing.
00:16:04 Come. Walk with me.
00:16:06 How long has it been
00:16:08 Like, two years?
00:16:09 Oh, my God. A lot's changed in those years.
00:16:11 Hey, ladies.
00:16:16 Hey, don't be jealous.
00:16:18 Seriously, it's so unattractive.
00:16:19 You're going to love working here.
00:16:20 The tips are great.
00:16:21 - Hey, Cal.
00:16:23 And your boss is a push-over.
00:16:30 We're like one big, happy family.
00:16:31 You know, I'm the father,
00:16:33 Well, you know, step-daughters.
00:16:36 - Whoa. Things really have changed.
00:16:38 - Cal.
00:16:40 Can I get you to approve
00:16:42 - Autograph?
00:16:43 You got it, sweetie.
00:16:44 Hey, gorgeous!
00:16:46 Josh, you just got to come to a show.
00:16:48 You won't believe it.
00:16:49 I'm starting to dance, which is tricky
00:16:52 But because of the balance,
00:16:54 I'm just boom, standing tall.
00:16:57 Hey, old man, did you fuck
00:17:00 You know, the one with
00:17:01 I bet you did, huh?
00:17:03 Did you fishhook her?
00:17:04 Did you give her the four-finger spread?
00:17:06 Did you spit...
00:17:08 Did you get it in there?
00:17:11 Did you spit on it?
00:17:15 What happened?
00:17:16 Don't worry about it.
00:17:18 You know what? I'm actually thinking
00:17:20 Start concentrating
00:17:23 Oh, the band.
00:17:24 Well, you'd better
00:17:26 I'm actually getting a lot of paying gigs.
00:17:28 The MySpace getting tons of hits.
00:17:30 Got, like, 500 friends.
00:17:31 This guy dropped a virus on there
00:17:33 so when you click, you hear my music.
00:17:35 - A virus?
00:17:37 What about all the poon
00:17:39 I mean, who's going
00:17:41 Life's not just about nailing poon, bro.
00:17:43 Uh, Dr. Faggot,
00:17:45 your cock seems to be parked
00:17:48 Why are you such a dick?
00:17:50 Don't ask.
00:17:52 So what have you
00:17:54 been up to lately?
00:17:56 Dad, I told you.
00:17:57 We're not gay,
00:17:58 we're just a couple
00:18:01 My son, the rope-sucker.
00:18:03 Yeah.
00:18:04 You know,
00:18:05 I blame the failure
00:18:07 Sweet.
00:18:09 When I knocked your mom up,
00:18:10 I told her I'd do the honorable thing
00:18:13 And she was like,
00:18:14 "Oh, I think I want
00:18:16 And I was like, "Bitch,
00:18:20 It's coat hanger o'clock.
00:18:22 - Good one.
00:18:28 Ta-Ta's isn't going away, Dennis.
00:18:31 You got to learn to fight scrappy.
00:18:32 It's hard to be scrappy
00:18:35 I got nothing on the floor but dudes.
00:18:37 It's like a Viking ship.
00:18:40 And I'm trying to have a kid, man.
00:18:45 Hey.
00:18:47 She's a babe.
00:18:49 It's... That's... I...
00:18:51 She came with the frame.
00:18:52 Sad.
00:18:54 No girl is going to get interested in me
00:18:56 if I'm a store manager
00:18:57 I mean, your wife didn't
00:18:59 until you were a district manager.
00:19:01 I'm better-looking than you.
00:19:05 You picked a terrible time to screw up.
00:19:07 Shull is in town.
00:19:08 The regional manager?
00:19:10 Shitty puppy.
00:19:12 Yeah.
00:19:13 Aw, come on. This is ridiculous.
00:19:16 He's looking to make
00:19:18 Your Shenaniganz got closed
00:19:21 Tone.
00:19:23 You just got to help me
00:19:24 Jesus, Dennis.
00:19:27 Try to have some dignity.
00:19:30 Don't talk to me about dignity!
00:19:32 You ever have a whole fraternity
00:19:35 And then not let you in?
00:19:37 Not a fraternity, no.
00:19:40 The bottom line,
00:19:44 if you don't have a $9,000 day,
00:19:47 you will not get
00:19:51 All right, I'm going to be totally honest
00:19:53 If we don't hit our numbers,
00:19:58 then the restaurant is shutting down.
00:20:02 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:20:03 - What?
00:20:04 If we're gonna be short
00:20:06 they're gonna shut us down?
00:20:07 That doesn't make any sense!
00:20:08 It's a senseless crime.
00:20:10 That's corporate for you.
00:20:12 They'll shut you down like that.
00:20:13 We've never come close to 9 grand.
00:20:15 Hey, if it's meant to be,
00:20:17 Hey, hey. Hold on.
00:20:18 Let me tell you a little story.
00:20:22 1983, it's the play-offs.
00:20:24 We're facing the toughest team
00:20:26 They only had, like, two white guys.
00:20:28 Who gives a shit, Dennis?
00:20:30 If he put me in, I would've
00:20:32 Dennis, he doesn't put
00:20:33 If he had put the male cheerleader in,
00:20:35 then I would've tried like the dickens
00:20:38 to get that ball into the end zone,
00:20:40 and so must all of you...
00:20:41 all of us tonight do so also.
00:20:44 I'm putting a lot
00:20:45 I'm going to get
00:20:47 I understand.
00:20:49 The elderly aren't the greatest tippers,
00:20:51 but I'm telling you,
00:20:52 the most beautiful arternoon pop
00:20:54 right before the dinner rush, okay?
00:20:57 And please remember,
00:20:58 the...
00:20:59 - What's that?
00:21:01 - Thumb fight?
00:21:03 I told you about the butterfly effect.
00:21:05 One little thing goes wrong,
00:21:07 the whole flow of the restaurant goes out.
00:21:08 And I'll tell you one thing.
00:21:10 Austin Kutchner wasn't
00:21:12 Kootchman?
00:21:14 You know who I'm talking about.
00:21:15 - Who?
00:21:18 He wasn't bullshitting.
00:21:19 End of meeting.
00:21:21 Oh, one more thing.
00:21:23 Inappropriate language
00:21:24 Oh, that guy's a dick.
00:21:27 Come on, come on. I do it, too.
00:21:28 I say shit and ass and pud
00:21:32 but not at a 9-year-old's birthday party.
00:21:34 Clean it up.
00:21:36 I am so fucked.
00:21:40 Charlie, get my shin/knee.
00:22:09 Welcome to Ta-Ta's.
00:22:11 I've got a table waiting just for you.
00:22:29 Yes.
00:22:33 How about top-shelf for a dollar more?
00:22:36 All right.
00:22:37 I have a granddaughter.
00:22:38 - Thank you.
00:22:40 Fucking old people.
00:22:42 That's all I need.
00:22:43 I don't give a shit
00:22:44 that ice cream used to cost
00:22:47 I need to get paid,
00:22:59 Hey, lactard, I think
00:23:07 You're an asshole.
00:23:09 I'll have a Pepsi.
00:23:10 She'll have a sweet tea.
00:23:12 God.
00:23:15 Uh, so, uh,
00:23:17 what can I get you folks to eat?
00:23:19 I'll have whatever he's having.
00:23:21 Okay.
00:23:22 Uh, I'll have the same.
00:23:24 Medium-rare.
00:23:27 There are a few
00:23:31 Come on.
00:23:33 Whenever you send a check, okay,
00:23:36 you got to go "Ta-Ta, girl. "
00:23:39 - And the kitchen goes...
00:23:41 See?
00:23:42 Whenever you have a spare minute,
00:23:43 management wants you,
00:23:47 or hula hooping
00:23:49 or, like, simulating
00:23:55 Now...
00:23:58 what management
00:24:00 You are in a restaurant full of hot girls.
00:24:03 Wars are waged, alliances are formed.
00:24:05 You try to stay neutral,
00:24:17 Yes.
00:24:23 Oh, man.
00:24:24 I would love to "F" her in the "A,"
00:24:26 and then "C" all over her "Ts. "
00:24:31 Well, I never.
00:24:33 What? Does she work
00:24:35 How did she decipher that code?
00:24:36 Fuck her.
00:24:38 Amber. Amber, Amber, come here.
00:24:40 Listen, this is kind of weird,
00:24:42 but I'm thinking about...
00:24:45 I've been thinking about
00:24:49 And I...
00:24:53 I don't think I'm gay, but you know,
00:24:55 since you got that whole
00:24:59 I think having sex with you
00:25:01 What do you say?
00:25:03 Screw you, Agnew.
00:25:04 Oh, come on. I'll make it hot for you.
00:25:06 Hello, love.
00:25:07 Top of the mornin' to ya.
00:25:10 Biscuits and tea.
00:25:11 Oh, hello, hello.
00:25:13 - Naomi.
00:25:14 You told him?
00:25:16 I was drunk.
00:25:17 Why the fuck are you
00:25:19 Oh, so it's my fault?
00:25:21 I have a drinking problem.
00:25:23 And I don't intend
00:25:26 Come on, moppet.
00:25:31 - Those aren't real.
00:25:33 Amber. Amber.
00:25:37 So is it just, you know,
00:25:38 European accents that heat up the kitty?
00:25:40 I mean, what about a bartender
00:25:43 What about an African dude going...
00:25:47 I'm a speech major!
00:25:49 What about, like, a Middle Eastern guy?
00:25:53 ...la BMW.
00:26:00 Shit, man. The restaurant can't close.
00:26:02 I just got a 75-cent raise.
00:26:04 Finally starting to get more hours,
00:26:05 starting to learn the grill.
00:26:07 Can't catch a break.
00:26:09 Mason, why don't you get
00:26:10 and go smoke a cigarette?
00:26:12 Actually, I was just about to...
00:26:14 Don't argue with me, boy.
00:26:15 But see,
00:26:16 you're telling me to do something...
00:26:18 Go out that fucking
00:26:19 and smoke a cigarette.
00:26:20 - Wait, but I...
00:26:22 Get the fuck out of here.
00:26:28 I'm leaving now to go have a cigarette
00:26:30 because I want to...
00:26:35 At least they're not picking on me.
00:26:40 Why can't things go back
00:26:44 Because that shit got old.
00:26:46 Shit, it got old being
00:26:49 It got old when we were Goth.
00:26:52 It got old when we were ravers.
00:26:55 It got old through all of it.
00:27:00 I mean, it was pathetic.
00:27:01 I mean, we were pathetic.
00:27:08 Smoking cannabis, huh?
00:27:10 Fuck you.
00:27:13 Fuck T-dawg.
00:27:18 Thank you, sir.
00:27:20 Right this way. That's right.
00:27:22 There you go. That's it.
00:27:24 Smells like a dog took a shit in here.
00:27:29 Good-bye, sir. Thanks for coming.
00:27:31 Die. Die now.
00:27:32 Watch your step.
00:27:33 Die-die.
00:27:34 Die.
00:27:46 2,000 lousy dollars.
00:27:49 2,000 lousy dollars?
00:27:53 Those doddering,
00:27:56 drooling motherfuckers.
00:27:58 Hey, Dennis.
00:28:00 I am being ruined, Hank,
00:28:01 ruined by those sluts at Ta-Ta's
00:28:03 and those pud-wackers at corporate.
00:28:06 You sure use that word pud a lot.
00:28:10 What are you talking about?
00:28:11 Pud. You say it a lot.
00:28:14 It's a word.
00:28:15 You know, I could take it or leave it.
00:28:17 What's the matter with you?
00:29:33 That's cute handwriting.
00:29:35 It's all real nice. It just...
00:29:37 No, I'm sorry. I just...
00:29:39 for our establishment here.
00:29:41 These tits were chiseled by God.
00:29:45 I don't think you have
00:29:47 You know what? Fuck you, Calvin.
00:29:50 Oh. Okay.
00:29:52 You're still a fucking dork to me.
00:29:54 Good to know. I'll keep that in mind.
00:29:57 Bye.
00:30:00 - Calvin.
00:30:01 There's this really creepy
00:30:04 and he's kind of skeeving me out.
00:30:06 Oh. Okay.
00:30:08 I got this.
00:30:16 - Dennis?
00:30:19 - How's it going?
00:30:20 - Pretty great.
00:30:22 Great.
00:30:27 I'm screwed.
00:30:33 - Man, I love tits.
00:30:35 I mean, hairstyles change, you know?
00:30:38 But tits, tits never go out of style.
00:30:40 That's what I'm saying.
00:30:41 What do you guys think
00:30:44 A-cup. No question.
00:30:48 What a gyp to get stuck with A-cups, huh?
00:30:49 No shit.
00:30:51 Maybe it's even better to be flat-chested
00:30:53 because then you're
00:30:55 and you're taken
00:30:58 You're just saying that
00:31:02 Christ, man, you got
00:31:05 I'd say C-cups. Definitely the best.
00:31:06 No, no, no.
00:31:08 You give me a pair
00:31:10 Till you get them out of the bra.
00:31:12 Because then all you got
00:31:14 oozing down to her stomach.
00:31:17 That's when you
00:31:19 Buoyancy takes effect,
00:31:21 makes them perfectly round.
00:31:22 That's science.
00:31:24 What do you think the girls at Ta-Ta's
00:31:27 Menstruation and whatnot.
00:31:30 Yarn.
00:31:32 The violence in the Middle East
00:31:35 I don't care what kind of foreign policy
00:31:37 It has nothing to do with that.
00:31:38 I'm telling you,
00:31:39 the men there are so sexually repressed
00:31:41 because women wear those burqas.
00:31:43 They never show their tits.
00:31:44 And Middle Eastern women
00:31:47 Massive.
00:31:48 Almost makes you want
00:31:50 Almost.
00:31:52 I understand things are tough, man.
00:31:54 How about a half-off dessert promotion
00:31:56 with a Ta-Ta's receipt?
00:31:57 Desserts have
00:31:59 - Yeah, I guess so.
00:32:00 We will start that next month.
00:32:02 I can't start it next month.
00:32:03 I don't have time to start it next month!
00:32:07 I'm sorry.
00:32:08 My mother was right.
00:32:11 I'm pushing 40, man. I'm not married.
00:32:14 I don't even have any prospects.
00:32:15 Yeah, I understand,
00:32:17 I'm going through a bit of a crisis myself.
00:32:18 - Really?
00:32:20 which of those three chicks
00:32:22 Get in the ropes,
00:32:23 Oh, for fuck's sake.
00:32:25 I'm sorry, man.
00:32:26 That's me being a dick is what that is.
00:32:27 - You're a dick.
00:32:29 Let me buy you a cup of water.
00:32:31 You know, when I was on the fryer,
00:32:32 I said to myself,
00:32:35 I'd make enough money that
00:32:37 So I lert the fryer,
00:32:40 - Making the money, nothing.
00:32:42 I said the same thing when I
00:32:44 then store manager.
00:32:46 - Nothing.
00:32:47 Man!
00:32:48 If I can just hit district manager,
00:32:51 then I'll be pulling some hot trim,
00:32:53 and I don't mean whores, either.
00:32:54 - Hey, Cal.
00:32:56 Hey, you know what?
00:32:57 Naomi said that
00:32:59 That you couldn't even piss
00:33:01 That was the old me.
00:33:02 Come on.
00:33:04 How did you change?
00:33:05 First thing I did was
00:33:08 That was the root of my problems.
00:33:10 So what if some dude
00:33:12 checked out my schmack
00:33:13 I couldn't let that turn me into a pussy.
00:33:17 It's like, if I'm not man enough
00:33:20 how can I gonna be man enough
00:33:22 - I cannot agree more.
00:33:24 But then how did you get to the point
00:33:26 where you could talk to women?
00:33:27 That's a good question.
00:33:29 It all started when I was still a waiter
00:33:32 I was talking to this high school girl,
00:33:35 like all of them did back in those days.
00:33:37 You okay?
00:33:40 Something wrong?
00:33:42 So I got home,
00:33:43 did a little Internet surfing.
00:33:45 You know, just general browsing.
00:33:46 Checked the stock portfolio,
00:33:48 like you do.
00:33:49 And I began thinking
00:33:51 and how shitty everything was...
00:33:54 and it really bummed me out.
00:33:59 I fought through the depression
00:34:03 But ultimately,
00:34:07 and I was spent.
00:34:14 So, as I sat in my chair,
00:34:16 depressed...
00:34:20 I remembered what Monty said to me.
00:34:22 He said women like assholes.
00:34:25 So I found this Web site
00:34:27 of being a complete asshole to women.
00:34:29 All the fundamentals.
00:34:31 Women like assholes?
00:34:33 And that was it.
00:34:34 Yeah. I went and picked up
00:34:37 Here it is.
00:34:39 And then, when I started
00:34:41 by acting like an asshole,
00:34:42 I started being an asshole,
00:34:43 which is totally cool.
00:34:45 Yeah.
00:34:50 It's Kristy again.
00:34:51 She keeps calling. She's like, "Mmm. "
00:34:53 I knew I shouldn't
00:34:55 for that threesome with Sherry.
00:34:57 I'm kidding.
00:34:59 That's me being a dick again.
00:35:00 There was no threesome.
00:35:02 I just fucked her.
00:35:11 Hello, sir.
00:35:13 Are you sick of those
00:35:15 flaunting their shit in front of you,
00:35:18 only to leave you high and dry?
00:35:20 - Yeah.
00:35:22 We make more money,
00:35:23 we reach higher management positions.
00:35:26 And what do women have?
00:35:28 "Menstruation?" Take it, it's yours.
00:35:32 Pregnancy? Oh, dear me.
00:35:34 You mean I don't get to lactate?
00:35:36 Perfect.
00:35:37 I'm Ken Halsband,
00:35:39 and in the next 45 minutes,
00:35:41 I'm going to change your life.
00:35:44 Maybe you don't need sleep.
00:35:46 If you're not sleeping,
00:35:48 think about tired stuff
00:35:50 Josh, quick,
00:35:52 how much change in my pocket?
00:35:54 Agnew, come on. We're chillin' here.
00:35:56 I don't know, $2.00?
00:35:57 Oh, so close. Buck-60
00:35:59 You're slippin', man.
00:36:01 What would the Jew elders think?
00:36:03 Hey, Agnew, you think being a racist
00:36:05 is going to make it easier
00:36:07 I'm not a racist, dick.
00:36:09 I hate everyone, all right?
00:36:10 Old people, gay people,
00:36:12 fat people, virgins.
00:36:14 It doesn't matter.
00:36:15 Think I care that Joshua is a Jew? No.
00:36:17 I mean, I'm not gonna borrow
00:36:25 Why'd you take your bling off?
00:36:26 Because you're right.
00:36:28 I'm not black.
00:36:30 I'm not gangsta.
00:36:31 I'm just a chubby kid trying to fit in.
00:36:35 But I don't.
00:36:40 We're so fucked!
00:36:42 All those slits and tits next door,
00:36:44 the fucking whores.
00:36:46 They didn't hire you, huh?
00:36:47 No fucking restaurant's going to hire me.
00:36:49 I'm too intimidating.
00:36:51 I called Kiwi's to see if they're hiring.
00:36:53 Only lunch shirts.
00:36:54 I have a friend who works at Nacho's.
00:36:56 I really don't want to work
00:36:58 - Who does?
00:37:00 Hey, watch it, fuckers.
00:37:04 Could've told me he's right there.
00:37:05 Nacho's won't hire me, either.
00:37:07 I wrote "Nachos sucks"
00:37:10 How'd they know it was you?
00:37:11 All right, it was my shit, okay?
00:37:13 So just... just leave me alone.
00:37:15 Got a figure out a way to keep
00:37:17 Hey, if it's meant to be,
00:37:19 You shit in your hand?
00:37:21 I believe that the positive energies
00:37:22 that you put out in the universe...
00:37:24 That's kind of hot.
00:37:25 Go on, Eugene, talk to her.
00:37:28 I-I can't.
00:37:29 I masturbate to thoughts
00:37:32 Crap, I do that.
00:37:34 Later on, we'll get
00:37:36 that'll break a chick's spirit.
00:37:38 But for now, let's concentrate
00:37:41 the pussy from the chaff.
00:37:43 Obviously, you just want to hit on chicks
00:37:47 So you have to establish a hierarchy.
00:37:49 Take these two over here, sipping the water.
00:37:53 You want a bunch of sober chicks
00:37:54 that are going to be peeing all night?
00:37:56 Unless it's on you, forget it.
00:37:57 Now, this one over here
00:37:59 drinking the Long Island iced tea, bingo.
00:38:01 Now, I'm not saying it's okay
00:38:04 when they're drunk because...
00:38:06 All right, I'm saying it's okay
00:38:08 to have sex with them
00:38:10 How else are you going to get laid?
00:38:11 Now, our friend over here
00:38:13 if she's willing to risk lung cancer,
00:38:15 she's willing to risk a
00:38:18 And that's a good thing.
00:38:23 Look at this one with the tat.
00:38:24 Tat always means
00:38:26 - Right.
00:38:28 That's a tattoo of a cross.
00:38:31 - Right.
00:38:32 See the earrings, see the necklace?
00:38:34 Multiple crosses.
00:38:36 Let me break this down.
00:38:37 One cross, loves the Bible.
00:38:40 Four crosses,
00:38:41 hates step-daddy, loves cock.
00:38:45 I want bad Christians.
00:38:47 Now, the key is to find a girl
00:38:50 You show me a girl
00:38:54 with a tattoo on her back
00:38:55 does tons of drugs,
00:38:56 and I'll show you a girl
00:38:58 who'll take two dicks in her ass
00:39:01 I couldn't sit down for a week.
00:39:03 And that's not a bad thing.
00:39:04 And speaking of drugs,
00:39:07 I highly recommend you start buying them.
00:39:09 - Hey, Dennis?
00:39:12 How you doing, man?
00:39:14 Uh, I got to run home real quick.
00:39:15 My roommate locked her keys
00:39:18 Chicks, man.
00:39:19 They'd forget their own vaginas
00:39:20 if they weren't attached to their legs...
00:39:21 to their torsos.
00:39:23 Good one.
00:39:30 Asshole.
00:39:39 Who's smoking weed?
00:39:43 Guys, what the hell?
00:39:44 Hey, hey.
00:39:45 That's not cool, man.
00:39:48 Can I get a hit of that?
00:39:49 Hell, no, Mason.
00:39:51 You never share
00:39:52 I always share my weed.
00:39:54 Is that true?
00:39:58 Sí, he shares.
00:39:59 Yeah. I'm not selfish.
00:40:11 What did Amber have to say?
00:40:12 She was looking for you.
00:40:15 She was?
00:40:16 Now's the time to make
00:40:29 Son of a bitch!
00:40:38 Allison, what the fuck?
00:40:40 It's just one cigarette.
00:40:42 All the girls come out here to smoke.
00:40:43 It's a good excuse to come outside
00:40:46 I was barely inhaling.
00:40:47 You've been working here for one day,
00:40:49 and you're already turned
00:40:53 You take that back.
00:40:57 Agnew.
00:41:00 So that's your boyfriend.
00:41:03 Can I have that?
00:41:05 If a girl's all messed up
00:41:07 and half-asleep,
00:41:09 I don't think I'd feel right
00:41:11 That is a moral dilemma, Eugene.
00:41:14 Wait a minute.
00:41:16 I think I have an answer.
00:41:17 Fuck her,
00:41:18 and then the next morning,
00:41:20 fuck her again when she's sober.
00:41:21 If she lets you fuck her
00:41:23 then you're out of the woods.
00:41:25 If she doesn't let you fuck her again,
00:41:26 then you got a little bit of a problem.
00:41:29 But wait a minute.
00:41:30 It's not that big a problem
00:41:31 because somebody just got laid,
00:41:34 and that's a good thing.
00:41:37 Fuck corporate.
00:41:39 Meet Dennis Moynahan,
00:41:42 district cooze manager.
00:41:53 Hey, Naomi.
00:41:54 You been crying
00:41:57 Looks like this place is
00:41:59 How's it going up here?
00:42:01 Boring as shit. I hate you.
00:42:02 Maybe you got to work on your attitude
00:42:04 because I've noticed lately
00:42:07 Well, I'm going to be
00:42:09 if you don't let me back on the floor!
00:42:12 Hey, Naomi,
00:42:14 you're pretty good friends
00:42:16 No.
00:42:17 She a heavy drinker?
00:42:19 We're all heavy drinkers. I just...
00:42:21 I know she smokes.
00:42:22 Does she smoke, uh,
00:42:25 She have a tattoo?
00:42:27 Are you a fucking insurance agent?
00:42:28 - Get the fuck out of here!
00:42:30 Hi, cooze queens... cooze persons.
00:42:31 - Three? All righty.
00:42:33 Ladies. Excuse me.
00:42:39 Someone's parents
00:42:42 Hello, Amber Alert.
00:42:45 Oh, my God.
00:42:46 This guy is being such a jerk.
00:42:47 I just asked him if he wanted
00:42:49 and he's like, "Do I look
00:42:51 You want me to shit in his food?
00:42:53 Kristy, look at me.
00:42:56 No, I don't think...
00:42:58 How about I tug one out in his refill?
00:43:00 No, I... That's...
00:43:02 Crop dust.
00:43:04 Hey, Chuck. How's your asshole?
00:43:07 Hey, Suze, come here for a sec.
00:43:11 Hey, Suze. How's it going?
00:43:13 - Good.
00:43:14 I want to ask you a question.
00:43:17 Trina or Sherry?
00:43:19 I mean, they're both pretty fucking sexy,
00:43:22 but if you had to choose one,
00:43:24 gun to your head, who do you pick?
00:43:25 Uh, well, I wouldn't pick
00:43:28 But that's just me.
00:43:30 Are you out of your mind?
00:43:31 Seriously, have you gone crazy?
00:43:32 Look at those girls.
00:43:34 They're fucking smoking hot,
00:43:36 They have virtually no body fat,
00:43:38 except where it counts...
00:43:40 So? Neither do I.
00:43:42 Oh, wow.
00:43:43 Interesting, no,
00:43:46 you know, like that.
00:43:47 You know, you're hot,
00:43:49 Being a slut doesn't
00:43:52 It helps.
00:43:54 Well, maybe.
00:43:55 You know, but I'm still, like,
00:43:57 150 to 250 percent sexier
00:44:01 Can you prove it?
00:44:02 Fine.
00:44:05 And that's how it's done.
00:44:08 - Yeah.
00:44:10 - She's totally hot.
00:44:12 You said she wasn't.
00:44:14 She liked that, yeah.
00:44:15 She liked that.
00:44:16 Okay, guys.
00:44:18 We want it to creep up on him
00:44:21 I got one brewing.
00:44:26 Mason, you going to be okay with this?
00:44:28 You're not going to shit
00:44:32 I hope not.
00:44:34 You know, like, owning what I'm up to.
00:44:36 Yeah, I know.
00:44:37 Really in the spot.
00:44:38 Just get some chicks.
00:44:41 - Just, like, decent-looking.
00:44:43 - Decent-looking.
00:44:49 I'm running on empty.
00:44:56 - Smell it?
00:44:59 Do I smell weed?
00:45:03 Bro, that ain't weed.
00:45:07 Tell those tools it's on me.
00:45:10 Smells like... like broccoli or something.
00:45:16 Here's your drink, sir.
00:45:18 The bartender took extra
00:45:20 Is there a problem
00:45:22 You know, I don't know,
00:45:24 but I will certainly
00:45:25 All right.
00:45:27 Look.
00:45:29 You dropped your napkin.
00:45:31 I am sexually aroused right now.
00:45:35 Here. You dropped that.
00:45:40 - Aw, man.
00:45:43 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:45:46 Why does every conversation
00:45:49 Because tits are what
00:45:52 I mean, it's inevitable.
00:45:53 Girls with big tits talk shit
00:45:56 The girls with little tits
00:45:59 The girls with real tits
00:46:00 talk shit about the girls with fake tits.
00:46:03 What about the girls with fake tits?
00:46:05 What about them?
00:46:06 They just try to get along with everyone.
00:46:09 And, yeah, okay,
00:46:11 so maybe they got fake tits.
00:46:12 But it really helps them make extra tips,
00:46:15 so it's kind of like
00:46:17 and maybe there's a tiny
00:46:21 But screw you for judging...
00:46:23 them.
00:46:28 Whoops.
00:46:29 Hey, Kristy.
00:46:31 - Let me ask you a question.
00:46:33 Uh, who do you think is sexier?
00:46:35 Amber or Naomi?
00:46:38 Amber, I guess.
00:46:42 She's younger and not so burnt out.
00:46:44 Uh, do you think she's
00:46:48 - I don't know.
00:46:53 Okay.
00:46:56 That was really mean, Dennis.
00:47:03 - Hello?
00:47:04 Just checking to see how it's going.
00:47:06 Oh, uh, real good.
00:47:07 I'm very, very confident
00:47:09 Yeah, give me a chili dog
00:47:11 So did you rally your guys?
00:47:12 Yeah. You know,
00:47:13 I gave them one of my famous
00:47:15 You didn't tell them
00:47:18 Uh, yeah, I did.
00:47:21 Jesus, Dennisl
00:47:22 Well, for what it's worth, I told Shull
00:47:24 you're the right man to run the district.
00:47:26 I really talked you up.
00:47:27 Oh, yeah? Great.
00:47:29 But he didn't seem to care.
00:47:31 Said if you're one dollar short,
00:47:33 you'd better get used
00:47:35 His words.
00:47:37 Later.
00:47:38 The ass is the new vagina.
00:47:40 The ass is the new vagina.
00:47:42 The ass is the new vagina.
00:47:44 The ass is the new vagina.
00:48:02 As a result, my mouth tasted
00:48:05 Fucking great. Black people.
00:48:08 Can I get some hot sauce
00:48:11 Agnew, did you ever stop to think
00:48:13 maybe it's because of the
00:48:15 screwing over minorities,
00:48:17 and, you know, don't learn
00:48:19 You ever think of that?
00:48:22 All right, Malcolm X.
00:48:23 You want my table?
00:48:24 No, I don't want to mess up
00:48:28 Shit, what do I want to eat?
00:48:32 Didn't even know we had
00:48:47 Why you so shy around her?
00:48:49 Dude, shut up.
00:48:50 You want me to go
00:48:52 No, no. Hey, I'm serious, all right?
00:48:58 Mase, what's it gonna be, man?
00:49:00 We got to get it in quick
00:49:01 or you're not going to eat.
00:49:03 And you can't miss a meal.
00:49:04 Uh, well, it's between the hamburger
00:49:08 Uh, had a hamburger yesterday.
00:49:11 I've been in the mood for chicken, so...
00:49:12 You're gonna order
00:49:14 Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm
00:49:16 Don't think here.
00:49:18 I'm telling you, you're gonna order
00:49:21 Yeah, but I was about to order the...
00:49:22 Don't you "but" me, boy.
00:49:23 You're gonna order
00:49:25 because I am telling you, I will it.
00:49:27 The end.
00:49:28 You know what, Chuck?
00:49:31 Fuck you!
00:49:32 I'm gonna get the hamburger.
00:49:40 I want the chicken sandwich.
00:49:42 You're goddamn right, you do.
00:49:43 You're gonna order
00:49:45 Now. With fries.
00:49:48 - Curly?
00:49:50 Shenaniganz.
00:49:51 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:49:54 8 rib-eyes,
00:49:55 - 2 New York strips,
00:49:56 4 Greek salads...
00:49:58 Okay, let's go! Look at this!
00:50:00 Let's move, let's move.
00:50:01 Come on. Whoo, whoo, whoo.
00:50:03 Step up, will you?
00:50:08 Mary-Kate and Ashley,
00:50:11 Naomi just put in
00:50:13 like, a couple thousand dollars' worth.
00:50:21 Thank you so much for your business.
00:50:24 You really saved my ass.
00:50:26 My caterer got killed
00:50:31 Yes.
00:50:33 Okay, men.
00:50:35 Thanks to a Hail Mary pass
00:50:37 we are back in the race.
00:50:39 Ha ha! 2 points.
00:50:41 Okay, we can still make that sales goal
00:50:45 You know what that means.
00:50:46 This can either be your biggest failure
00:50:51 And I don't want to frighten anybody,
00:50:53 but if we don't have
00:50:55 then you're all out on your asses,
00:50:58 So let's pull it together
00:51:00 and win, win, win one
00:51:02 And remember,
00:51:03 what is going to happen
00:51:06 if this place closes down?
00:51:08 We'll be able to go on unemployment.
00:51:14 Here you go.
00:51:17 Okay, all right, okay.
00:51:24 One margarita, our special...
00:51:28 Remember the butterfly effect.
00:51:30 Go, go, go!
00:51:32 Okay, you've got a Wang Chung,
00:51:34 a dime bag, and a beef vagina walking back.
00:51:37 I got a booger chicken,
00:51:40 and a Whitney Houston.
00:51:41 I need a Lincoln brown eyes,
00:51:45 and a stripper on the rag.
00:52:00 Got to be careful.
00:52:02 Hi.
00:52:12 Oh, dear.
00:52:14 You guys picked my table.
00:52:26 Folks, my name is Joshua.
00:52:27 Can I get you anything?
00:52:29 Do you have a salad bar?
00:52:30 What's your fish of the day?
00:52:31 No, we don't have a salad bar,
00:52:33 and we don't have
00:52:36 I-I am so sorry.
00:52:38 Um, can we start over?
00:52:40 My name is Joshua, and I need help.
00:52:43 Can I get you any?
00:52:44 Hey, guys.
00:52:46 I'm really sorry,
00:52:48 They want honey-glaze on the side.
00:52:50 - Don't you worry.
00:52:52 Kristy, I love you.
00:52:53 Do you think you could
00:52:55 - Don't you worry.
00:52:57 Okay, I'll... I'll be right back for it.
00:52:59 - Okay, thank you, guys.
00:53:06 Hey, guys,
00:53:09 They need that steak well-done.
00:53:14 Just this party of two here.
00:53:15 Right this way, ma'am.
00:53:16 I'm sorry. You're a sir.
00:53:18 Will you tell Naomi
00:53:20 Uh, follow me, please.
00:53:21 Well, hello there, folks.
00:53:23 It's great to see you this evening.
00:53:24 Hey, you too. How long for two of us?
00:53:26 Uh, just a few moments.
00:53:28 We had a little hepatitis
00:53:30 but we'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
00:53:32 I can get your name, though.
00:53:35 Two?
00:53:37 We're going to hit a movie, actually.
00:53:38 We don't want to miss any
00:53:41 I-Is there something wrong?
00:53:43 Where you going?
00:53:45 Come back, come back, come back.
00:53:46 It's only Hep A.
00:53:53 Do you work out?
00:53:55 Why doesn't she just
00:53:57 Totally.
00:53:59 I think I can read
00:54:00 If she comes on to one more
00:54:03 - Hi.
00:54:05 - Hey, how's your first day going?
00:54:07 Good. Well, if you need any help at all,
00:54:09 - you just let me know.
00:54:11 You know, maybe sometime
00:54:14 I mean, your top is so symmetrical.
00:54:18 Thanks.
00:54:21 Hey, Raddimus.
00:54:23 Yo.
00:54:24 So, I was, uh, thinking
00:54:26 and that position
00:54:29 and I was thinking that
00:54:31 if you bent your knees a little more,
00:54:33 wouldn't there be
00:54:38 I don't know, it's just a thought.
00:54:41 What a nice girl.
00:55:10 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We don't
00:55:13 Oh, no, he's a guide dog. It's okay.
00:55:15 Are you deaf? We don't allow dogs.
00:55:17 I don't think you understand.
00:55:18 I can't see. He's my guide dog.
00:55:20 He's allowed in.
00:55:23 Why would you go to a tit joint
00:55:26 if you're blind?
00:55:27 Answer that one, Stevie Wonder!
00:55:29 You know something?
00:55:31 I'd beat you over
00:55:33 - Hey. Naomi.
00:55:34 - What the hell are you doing?
00:55:37 Why don't you go help over at
00:55:39 You're kidding me.
00:55:41 - Stay out of this.
00:55:43 I'll have someone
00:55:44 You. Sweet tits.
00:55:46 Now get the hell out of here.
00:55:53 Fuck!
00:55:54 Goddamn cocksucker.
00:55:59 What are you looking at?
00:56:01 Fucking blind people.
00:56:03 Hey, hey.
00:56:08 You are incredible.
00:56:25 Fucking foreigners.
00:56:32 Okay.
00:56:34 Six Courvoisiers coming right up.
00:56:37 Okay, I'll get that right up for you.
00:56:40 - Excuse me.
00:56:42 What the fuck is this?
00:56:45 I'm just going by rotation. Fuck off.
00:56:47 Well, start rotating
00:56:50 I want to get off the Soul Train.
00:56:52 Do you have room for a party of four?
00:56:54 - No.
00:56:56 - Yes. We do.
00:56:57 Great.
00:56:58 No, no.
00:57:05 Hey, hey, hey!
00:57:06 Adrian Aiden, it's your birthday.
00:57:11 Take it away, ladies.
00:57:14 Ta-Ta's style.
00:57:32 Happy Birthday.
00:57:42 Hi, sir.
00:57:44 I'll be taking care of your service.
00:57:45 Can I get you something to drink?
00:57:48 Uh, yeah, playa. Y'all got any Kool-Aid?
00:57:54 No, we do not have any Kool-Aid.
00:57:57 Well, then, I guess
00:58:08 Naomi, how many people
00:58:13 Oh, my God.
00:58:15 We might just pull this shit
00:58:26 Yeah.
00:58:31 You sure know how to pour.
00:58:51 To our future.
00:58:53 You know what I like
00:58:56 What's that?
00:58:58 Your money.
00:59:04 Oh, yeah.
00:59:23 Thanks.
00:59:36 All right.
00:59:37 We've got the house salad for you, sir.
00:59:41 And the broccoli cheese soup.
00:59:43 Thank you.
00:59:44 Enjoy.
00:59:45 Wait.
00:59:47 There's a fly in my soup.
00:59:50 That's disgusting.
00:59:52 Can you cancel
00:59:54 What other soups do you have?
00:59:55 Um, French onion.
00:59:58 Yeah, let's go with that.
01:00:00 Wait, ma'am. I'm... I can replace...
01:00:02 Excuse me, can I switch mine
01:00:05 - French onion, please.
01:00:07 Come on. Hurry.
01:00:08 Get out of my way!
01:00:11 French onion here.
01:00:13 Okay, focus, focus!
01:00:17 French onion, French onion.
01:00:19 Fuck me!
01:00:26 Son of a bitch!
01:00:29 I need fries and onion rings.
01:00:31 Uh, it's going to be a few minutes.
01:00:33 You are fucking me, Mason!
01:00:35 It's gonna be a minute!
01:00:39 - Watch it.
01:00:41 - Mason, you look stressed.
01:00:49 - Hey, Mason.
01:00:50 At the buzzer, 3, 2, 1.
01:00:54 God damn it,
01:00:57 - Oh, relax, man...
01:00:58 You've been picking on me
01:01:00 Yeah, suffering succotash, that sucks.
01:01:02 Hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:01:03 I thought we were
01:01:05 Cooks against the waiters?
01:01:06 You keep attacking me!
01:01:08 It's never been "us" against "them. "
01:01:11 It's always been me against everyone.
01:01:15 No one's ever done me any favors.
01:01:18 My dad was... is...
01:01:21 is a drunk.
01:01:28 Look, I-I know what it's like.
01:01:33 My dad's an asshole, too.
01:01:35 I've got four brothers,
01:01:36 and he named them all Mason
01:01:39 so he could screw over the IRS.
01:01:40 And it didn't even work.
01:01:42 Now we're all still named Mason.
01:01:44 It's... It's fucked up.
01:01:46 You think that's bad?
01:01:50 This is what happens in my house
01:01:58 Sour cream Sanchez!
01:02:01 Son of a bitch, I'm out of here!
01:02:05 - Mason.
01:02:07 Screw you all!
01:02:08 I quit!
01:02:10 Oopsie.
01:02:11 I forgot to punch out.
01:02:15 I want our money back!
01:02:17 - Fuck this place.
01:02:20 I'm not putting up with that shit!
01:02:21 Naomi, why haven't you
01:02:24 I have the ten-top that's
01:02:26 So go run some food,
01:02:28 Sweet. Thanks.
01:02:29 Son of a bitch.
01:02:31 Uh, I don't know where the manager is.
01:02:35 Nice carry.
01:02:40 Goddamn! Get that shit up
01:02:43 What's wrong, Jew?
01:02:45 I fucking hate him.
01:02:47 - Hello?
01:02:49 Um, hello?
01:02:51 This is ridiculous.
01:02:52 We've been waiting 45 minutes,
01:02:57 Okay, I had the manager
01:03:00 I had to wait an hour for veal parmesan
01:03:03 Looks like you two are getting along.
01:03:04 Fuck you.
01:03:05 Hey, big guy. Here's your napkin.
01:03:07 Looks like you chicks know how to party,
01:03:10 and I like that.
01:03:11 Hank, let's go. Two free ones.
01:03:12 - Two of what?
01:03:15 That's it. We're never eating here again.
01:03:16 This place is a death trap.
01:03:18 - This wine is a fucking asshole.
01:03:20 Excuse me, can I have
01:03:22 Okay.
01:03:23 Land mine for your love
01:03:26 Soldier gal
01:03:28 I would totally buy your CD.
01:03:30 Naomi. Naomi.
01:03:33 Naomi, what happened to my ten-top?
01:03:35 And why did you seat me
01:03:37 'Cause Chuck said he'd get me free drinks
01:03:41 Why would he do that?
01:03:42 Because welcome
01:03:49 Motherfucker.
01:03:50 That waiter was...
01:03:53 A total douche bag.
01:03:56 There you go.
01:03:57 Hope you enjoyed everything.
01:03:59 I need you to do something
01:04:01 What's that, sir?
01:04:02 I need you to start trying
01:04:06 What are you talking about?
01:04:08 I'm a great person.
01:04:10 I mean, I-I...
01:04:11 I joke around a lot, but...
01:04:13 Yeah. But arter years
01:04:18 you may find you're no longer jokin'.
01:04:33 Oh, what the fuck?
01:04:45 Josh, you still pissed about that?
01:04:47 Yes! I'm still pissed about it.
01:04:51 Come on.
01:04:52 You shouldn't be.
01:04:55 You have the cutest little balls
01:05:02 Fuck this! I quit.
01:05:06 I don't think he took that the right way.
01:05:12 Well, well, well.
01:05:14 Nick and T-dawg together again.
01:05:17 Hey, you two used to be
01:05:21 We were fucking jokes.
01:05:22 White kids that want to be black
01:05:28 Let me tell you what isn't.
01:05:30 White kids that want to be white.
01:05:38 Hey, fuck you, whitey!
01:05:50 Okay, you are all set.
01:05:54 Thank you so much. Have a great one.
01:05:56 I used to work here.
01:05:57 Really?
01:05:59 Wow, crazy.
01:06:01 So what do you do now?
01:06:03 Oh, I'm a danc... you know,
01:06:04 an exotic... like... a stripper.
01:06:06 Right. You... Right.
01:06:09 Um, so how's the money?
01:06:12 Oh, I mean, look. I started off,
01:06:14 like, as a normal waitress, you know?
01:06:16 And I never even thought
01:06:18 'cause the outfits are so low-cut and...
01:06:20 But I swore to myself
01:06:22 that I would never take off
01:06:24 You know, never,
01:06:27 until I met a girl who worked at Cheetah's,
01:06:28 and she made, like,
01:06:31 - Whoa.
01:06:32 you know, for the money, totally.
01:06:34 But I told myself I would
01:06:37 like, no bottomless. No way.
01:06:39 No, no, no.
01:06:41 And then I found out
01:06:43 Like, at the all-nude clubs, and so...
01:06:48 Doing that for a few months.
01:06:50 But, like, no contact.
01:06:53 I mean, I work with girls
01:06:58 I don't know, part of me wonders
01:07:01 when I'm going to let go
01:07:04 I mean, right?
01:07:11 For the money, just for the money.
01:07:12 Right, uh, anyway, thanks.
01:07:23 I need to talk to you.
01:07:24 No.
01:07:25 You were so awesome today, baby.
01:07:27 Hailey, what's up?
01:07:28 What is up?
01:07:29 - I quit.
01:07:31 I just found out I can make, like,
01:07:33 $500 a night working at Cheetah's.
01:07:35 Cheetah's, whoo!
01:07:37 God, we lost a good one.
01:07:39 So, we still on for tonight?
01:07:42 Um, let's do it another time, okay?
01:07:45 Listen, the important thing here is not
01:07:50 Trina?
01:07:52 Yeah, um, she won the battle.
01:07:55 But hey, listen, I have confidence,
01:07:56 if you really bring the sexy,
01:07:59 - Screw her, all right?
01:08:01 I promise you that any sick shit
01:08:04 I can do, like, ten times better.
01:08:06 - Keep that energy.
01:08:07 - Just bring it.
01:08:09 Keep that passion.
01:08:10 - Hey, baby.
01:08:13 Love you. Okay, listen.
01:08:15 I just need to close up here,
01:08:16 and, uh, I'm going
01:08:18 I'm going to pick up some party favors.
01:08:20 And we're going to party
01:08:21 Oh, my God, awesome.
01:08:23 Hey, I'm even getting
01:08:25 - in case you want to bring your "A" game.
01:08:28 All right, I'll see you later, all right?
01:08:33 All right.
01:08:35 Let's do this.
01:08:42 Don't get me wrong.
01:08:45 I go onstage, people stop eating.
01:08:48 It's just that I feel
01:08:49 if I don't make my move
01:08:51 I'm going to become that creepy old guy,
01:08:53 you know, that guy.
01:08:55 Well, good news is
01:08:57 being an old-ass bartender
01:09:00 Especially in a place like this.
01:09:03 I mean, holy shit, this is a bigger dump
01:09:06 You know, it's funny.
01:09:08 I was at a bit of a moral crossroads
01:09:12 I didn't want to be a server,
01:09:13 and I didn't want to get stuck
01:09:16 See, that's what I'm talking about.
01:09:18 You followed your dream.
01:09:19 Yeah.
01:09:22 Yes, I did.
01:09:24 I was unemployed for a long time.
01:09:25 And, um, I got so desperate,
01:09:28 I took a job at Jack's Steak House
01:09:31 which was then bought out
01:09:34 I fucked it all up, uh...
01:09:37 You know Internet porn?
01:09:39 I think I must have drirted
01:09:42 I tried to... I jumped out of a window.
01:09:45 But it was a second-story window,
01:09:51 and I got sort of like a little head injury,
01:09:55 then I became addicted to...
01:09:57 Have you ever heard of, uh, OxyContin?
01:10:10 Oh, yeah.
01:10:12 Got to piss.
01:10:43 Yeah.
01:10:50 So if you're on MySpace,
01:10:54 Be honest with yourself.
01:10:56 I don't know, I don't know.
01:10:57 Because of the drinking,
01:10:59 And some of the other pills I'm on,
01:11:01 it makes me kind of ramble.
01:11:02 Here's my point.
01:11:03 Oh, this is what
01:11:05 Whichever path you choose,
01:11:07 it's just going to go like this,
01:11:09 and then it's eventually going to go...
01:11:11 straight back to the middle.
01:11:13 That's where you're going to
01:11:17 But it won't be so fast,
01:11:19 It's going to take a while, man.
01:11:20 You're going to pick up
01:11:22 You're going to probably
01:11:24 You're going to become
01:11:25 And then eventually,
01:11:26 "Holy shit, should I put on a blue shirt,
01:11:28 or should I kill myself?"
01:11:29 I always put on the shirt.
01:11:31 So, fucking irony of ironies,
01:11:34 here I am with a head injury,
01:11:36 uh, top dog
01:11:38 And now what I'm going to do is
01:11:40 trample on the soul
01:11:43 Which sadly, is one of the only joys
01:11:48 That and, um, as I said,
01:11:50 Internet porn and OxyContin.
01:11:53 Tell you what I'm not going to do.
01:11:55 I'm not paying for that drink.
01:11:58 Thanks, man.
01:11:59 Okay.
01:12:04 You don't deserve
01:12:06 Well, well, well.
01:12:09 You knew the score, and you let me down.
01:12:11 And you know what that means?
01:12:12 It means you tarnished the uniform.
01:12:14 I know what it means, Dan.
01:12:16 It means you don't have
01:12:17 what it takes to handle district.
01:12:19 - Get up.
01:12:21 Sit down. Hey, Dean.
01:12:24 Mr. Shull, okay?
01:12:25 You don't get
01:12:27 You got some mayonnaise or semen
01:12:30 Listen, Dennis, I'm really sorry, but...
01:12:35 I'm sorry it didn't work out.
01:12:37 It looks like you're
01:12:38 for a few more years,
01:12:42 But, uh, if Dan here
01:12:45 you know, you can, uh,
01:12:46 certainly learn a lot from his incompetence.
01:12:50 That's right.
01:12:51 Not a compliment, Dan.
01:12:53 Whenever you get
01:12:55 whenever you have
01:12:57 just look over here and say,
01:12:59 - Thank you.
01:13:00 Well, thank you.
01:13:02 I have a lot of pity on you.
01:13:04 Okay, well,
01:13:05 that was a good trip.
01:13:06 I need, uh, I actually
01:13:08 Cash, right now, if you could.
01:13:10 - $20 would do it.
01:13:12 - I need about 20.
01:13:14 Make it a 50. Just round up.
01:13:16 That'll make it easier for me.
01:13:18 Um, sure.
01:13:20 Perfect. Ask, and ye shall receive.
01:13:22 Ulysses S. Grant,
01:13:23 where the fuck did my life go wrong?
01:13:25 So you think we made it?
01:13:28 Place seemed pretty busy, right?
01:13:30 We're screwed.
01:13:31 You bitches better be
01:13:33 Shit, I need this job.
01:13:35 Well, you know Ta-Ta's is hiring.
01:13:37 They're looking for bus boys.
01:13:38 Asian schoolboy busboys.
01:13:42 Well, guys,
01:13:44 we had a great night tonight.
01:13:46 We set a franchise record tonight.
01:13:48 Yes!
01:13:50 My God. I told you.
01:13:52 All right. Unfortunately,
01:13:56 We didn't make the mark.
01:13:59 - What?
01:14:02 God, I'm screwed.
01:14:03 I'm so screwed.
01:14:06 Fuck, so the restaurant's closing?
01:14:07 No.
01:14:10 I mean, the restaurant
01:14:14 The restaurant...
01:14:18 The restaurant was never...
01:14:19 Dennis, what the fuck
01:14:21 - You lied to us...
01:14:25 The restaurant isn't closing down
01:14:31 - What?
01:14:32 You paid $1,800 out of your own pocket?
01:14:35 You live with your mom.
01:14:38 I couldn't let them
01:14:40 when we were this close to the mark!
01:14:42 This close to making it all the way
01:14:43 to the top of the thermometer?
01:14:45 How could I let that go by?
01:14:47 I'm going to wind up
01:14:50 sucking meth for dick.
01:14:52 This restaurant stays open,
01:14:54 and I am going to be its manager.
01:14:56 Of this restaurant.
01:14:58 Just this one.
01:15:11 Hey.
01:15:13 Dennis, um, we are going out,
01:15:15 and I thought maybe
01:15:18 - Do you wanna come?
01:15:21 Yeah, really.
01:15:33 Is that a yes?
01:15:36 Well, I have a lot to do,
01:15:37 so I'm... I'll check my schedule.
01:15:39 Okay.
01:15:41 Yes.
01:15:42 He can maybe come.
01:15:46 Well, so, I told you,
01:15:48 everything does happen
01:15:49 Screw Ta-Ta's.
01:15:51 Yeah!
01:15:52 Screw Ta-Ta's.
01:15:54 Calvin wouldn't know a pair of tits
01:15:56 I mean, seriously, you guys!
01:15:59 Take a look at these!
01:16:00 - Whoa!
01:16:01 Yeah!
01:16:03 Motherfucker, how'd you
01:16:05 Yeah, man.
01:16:11 That's what you want to do.
01:16:12 Yeah. Yeah.
01:16:15 Wow. Those are beautiful.
01:16:19 Hey, uh...
01:16:21 Heck, why don't you and I
01:16:25 - Oh, man.
01:16:29 What'd you say?
01:16:33 You said "Get out"?
01:16:36 What are you pointing at?
01:16:38 You're pointing at...
01:16:42 Did you leave something...
01:16:44 Guys don't play hard-to-get.
01:16:46 Yeah, they do.
01:16:48 - They don't?
01:16:50 - Hey.
01:16:53 I got, like, another half hour.
01:16:54 Get a drink at the bar, if you want.
01:16:56 Yeah, um, actually,
01:16:57 I think you're gonna need
01:17:01 What the hell are you talking about?
01:17:02 I just realized you're
01:17:05 We both knew that.
01:17:10 Hey, baby. You ready to go?
01:17:12 I sure am.
01:17:14 What the hell?
01:17:22 Don't worry about it.
01:17:23 It's probably just sex.
01:17:36 She was in Milan
01:17:38 Struttin' for Dior
01:17:40 I was in Iraq
01:17:43 Fightin' a little war
01:17:45 - Doing the best I could
01:17:47 - Thank you very much.
01:17:49 Put it on his check.
01:17:52 - Yeah.
01:17:56 You're good at that, you little brown guy.
01:18:00 What blue eyes
01:18:02 Love meeting people playing pool.
01:18:06 Oh, you need to make a shot.
01:18:09 Kind of got me in the gut.
01:18:10 - I think I've got a new recipe.
01:18:12 It's a mushroom stuffed with ziti.
01:18:14 - Hey, man. How you doing?
01:18:15 - You all right?
01:18:16 Stay cool, kid. See you.
01:18:17 Yeah, okay. All right.
01:18:18 Okay. All right!
01:18:25 Allow me.
01:18:29 Hello. My name's Stan.
01:18:31 What can I get you to drink?
01:18:33 A shot of tequila.
01:18:34 Well, that's great, isn't it?
01:18:38 Make it two.
01:18:39 All right, then. Hold on.
01:18:42 Seriously, guys.
01:18:43 I'm... I'm sorry. You know?
01:18:46 I suck.
01:18:48 I pussied out.
01:18:49 I know you guys were only kidding
01:18:50 with the sour cream Sanchez thing,
01:18:52 and I took it personally,
01:18:53 so put a quarter in my ass
01:18:58 Hi.
01:18:59 There you go, miss.
01:19:01 Hey. Amber, is it?
01:19:03 I think I've heard about... Hello?
01:19:05 Went to the...
01:19:08 It wasn't the fryer that was
01:19:11 It was those fucking
01:19:13 that you stick in the goddamn toaster.
01:19:15 Aye. God.
01:19:17 For God's sake, cunt bastard.
01:19:19 And I've got delicate hands, man.
01:19:21 I think, you know,
01:19:28 Hello.
01:19:29 How come you've never
01:19:33 I mean, really talk to me?
01:19:36 We've worked together
01:19:39 and I never even knew
01:19:44 No.
01:19:47 I love it.
01:19:48 I love the way you talk.
01:19:52 I just can't believe I never knew.
01:19:54 Most people don't think
01:19:58 So...
01:20:01 Wait a second.
01:20:04 You're fuckin' with me, right?
01:20:05 Chuck put you up to this?
01:20:08 You're not gonna smear sour cream
01:20:10 I got a lactose prob...
01:20:20 I just got some kind bud.
01:20:23 Do you want to go back
01:20:25 Oh, my God.
01:20:27 Yeah.
01:20:28 Uh, okay.
01:20:35 Goddamn it.
01:20:37 You can do this.
01:20:39 Separate the pussy from the chaff.
01:20:58 Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
01:21:06 Hey, you.
01:21:08 You mind if I sit down?
01:21:11 Naomi.
01:21:15 Hey, uh,
01:21:18 you ready to get back
01:21:20 I guess you've done enough
01:21:22 I think you've had enough
01:21:26 That's not very nice.
01:21:29 I was going to say
01:21:50 Hey.
01:21:52 - Hey, that's my...
01:21:54 That's my mouth.
01:21:55 Hey.
01:22:12 - Hey.
01:22:14 Hey. So, uh, let's
01:22:16 Let's go back to my house.
01:22:17 I was thinking we could, uh,
01:22:20 And make... make out with each other.
01:22:23 There's something
01:22:27 You got a haircut.
01:22:29 No. Same hair.
01:22:30 Just I got my hat on.
01:22:31 That's what it is. It's the hat.
01:22:33 It's pretty slick, huh?
01:22:36 Why, is it not slick?
01:22:38 Listen, I'm going to stay here
01:22:39 and listen to the band
01:22:41 Why don't you call me later?
01:22:45 What?
01:22:46 Maybe you'll come by?
01:22:49 I have drugs.
01:23:14 Does that say "PUD"?
01:23:15 Oh, my God.
01:23:19 Fuck it.
01:23:20 - Whoa!
01:23:26 - Piss in my asshole!
01:23:28 Shit in my mouth.
01:24:00 What the fuck?
01:24:03 What the fuck?
01:24:04 - Jesus Christ.
01:24:09 That's your dick.
01:24:12 This is my vagina.
01:24:16 I-I got to go.
01:24:19 W-what are you doing?
01:24:20 What are you doing?
01:24:22 I thought maybe that
01:24:26 you know, we could do it again and...
01:24:31 Sorry.
01:24:33 - All right, fuck it.
01:24:40 I have a kidney problem.
01:24:41 Even better.
01:24:46 I used to drink 40s
01:24:47 But I hated the taste
01:24:49 Put twists in my hair
01:24:51 I hated my face
01:24:54 Things were fuzzy,
01:24:56 Mirror, mirror on the wall
01:24:59 Who's the dopest rapper
01:25:01 Not you or me, because
01:25:04 We're whiter than Santa Claus'
01:25:06 Socrates said
01:25:09 I guess I wish to seem
01:25:11 I don't got a gangsta lean,
01:25:14 I say corny phrases like "Holy Moses"
01:25:17 "Holy Moses" or "Holy Jesus"
01:25:19 Can't decipher the universe,
01:25:21 But it doesn't make sense
01:25:24 So we're trapped in one verse
01:25:26 And since "E equals MC squared"
01:25:28 That means we're two MCs
01:25:31 Shared, shared, shared
01:25:37 We're whiter than Santa Claus'
01:25:41 We're whiter than Santa Claus'
01:25:47 Just 'cause we're smart
01:25:49 I'll spread your pussy lips
01:25:52 Yum, pussy toast,
01:25:54 I kill that pussy,
01:25:57 Your clitoris is longer
01:25:59 When I climb to the top,
01:26:01 I'm the Van Gogh of rhyming
01:26:03 I cut up my own hymen
01:26:04 Three fingers in,
01:26:07 I come so much,
01:26:09 My dick's higher on
01:26:12 I fuck mad ducks 'cause
01:26:14 And they eat stale bread
01:26:17 It's okay if you're chubby,
01:26:19 I'll suck your back fat
01:26:22 Got to stop bangin'
01:26:25 When I was 5 years old
01:26:26 I was fuckin' on my trike, yo
01:26:27 My cum is stickier than Krazy Glue
01:26:29 Girl, you wearing contacts,
01:26:32 I give bitches OCD,
01:26:34 'Cause they need to have my dick
01:26:36 Three times in a row
01:26:37 Damn, three in a row
01:26:39 I'll make your face red
01:26:42 You're good at riding dick
01:26:45 Your technique's sloppy
01:26:47 Well, my girl does it right,
01:26:50 Her mouth full of foam
01:26:57 Yum, pussy toast,
01:27:02 Yum, pussy toast,
01:27:07 Just 'cause we're gross
01:27:09 Got a dog named Napoleon,
01:27:12 No, that shit doesn't
01:27:14 You constellations of sperm
01:27:17 I fucked a black hole
01:27:20 Into a multidimensional creature's ear
01:27:22 On a subatomic level, man,
01:27:25 Get your ShoMoFo tongue
01:27:27 We're just a pale blue dot
01:27:30 Fuckin' bars of soap
01:27:31 'Cause it's time for us to come clean
01:27:37 I fucked a black hole
01:27:40 I fucked a black hole
01:27:42 I fucked a black hole
01:27:46 I fucked a black hole
01:28:00 Keep stoned for days.
01:28:07 Fuck you.
01:28:25 Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.
01:28:32 - Quit it. Stop it.
01:28:35 Who the fuck are any of you
01:28:39 Huh? Agnew! You big-eared,
01:28:42 Why are you so racist?
01:28:46 I don't use the "N" word.
01:28:48 Oh, yeah, good one.
01:28:50 And you!
01:28:52 You walk into a place, everyone's like,
01:28:54 "Oh, he's hardcore. "
01:28:56 You probably haven't
01:28:58 You motherfucker!
01:29:01 Yeah!
01:29:02 Easy, Jew.
01:29:04 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:29:11 Yeah!
01:29:16 Yes! Come to me.
01:29:18 Come to me, ladies.
01:29:19 Yes. Oh, God.
01:29:21 Oh. Rub my chest. Rub my chest.
01:29:23 Yeah!