Ugly Thru The

en
00:00:25 ¶ You change your mind ¶
00:00:28 ¶ Like a girl changes clothes ¶
00:00:32 ¶ Yeah, you PMS ¶
00:00:35 ¶ Like a bitch ¶
00:00:37 ¶ I would know ¶
00:00:39 ¶ And you over-think ¶
00:00:43 ¶ Always speak cryptically ¶
00:00:46 ¶ I should know ¶
00:00:48 ¶ That you're
00:00:53 ¶ 'Cause you're hot
00:00:56 ¶ You're yes
00:00:57 ¶ You're in
00:00:59 ¶ You're up
00:01:01 ¶ You're wrong
00:01:03 ¶ It's black
00:01:05 ¶ We fight, we break up ¶
00:01:07 ¶ We kiss, we make up ¶
00:01:09 Are you alert?
00:01:11 Okay, well tell them...
00:01:13 ¶ But you don't really
00:01:16 No.
00:01:18 ¶ You're yes
00:01:19 ¶ You're in
00:01:22 I'll be there in about
00:01:25 Okay, thanks. Bye.
00:01:30 ¶ We used to be ¶
00:01:34 ¶ Just like twins
00:01:36 - Morning, Freddy.
00:01:38 - You look awfully pretty today.
00:01:41 - Good morning. We got problems.
00:01:43 There are no problems, Joy,
00:01:46 The traffic camera is down
00:01:47 and we have no B-roll
00:01:49 - That is a problem.
00:01:51 Call Matt at Media Lab.
00:01:52 He's got some Skycams
00:01:53 - Where are all my weathermen?
00:01:55 - Hey.
00:01:57 Thank you all for coming.
00:01:59 Thanks for being here. Good.
00:02:01 Is there a reason
00:02:03 If they get
00:02:04 research shows people
00:02:06 to forgive a fat guy.
00:02:07 Abby, I hate to do this to you,
00:02:08 but I don't think that
00:02:10 It's bad enough I have
00:02:12 I'm not gonna
00:02:14 - A man can only endure so much.
00:02:17 you are a newsman.
00:02:19 And newsmen are not defined
00:02:21 they're defined
00:02:23 Can you imagine
00:02:26 working with their
00:02:29 Because they
00:02:30 But you.
00:02:33 have balls the size
00:02:35 Don't think
00:02:36 I only thought of them
00:02:38 But you're right.
00:02:40 But not disproportionately
00:02:42 I like to think of them
00:02:44 Yeah, I think
00:02:46 - Are you kidding me right now?
00:02:48 gives a crap about
00:02:50 of the Brazilian slug worm.
00:02:52 All right. But knowing which
00:02:54 is of vital importance?
00:02:55 You know, the sound
00:02:57 Okay. He is trying to kill me.
00:02:59 - He knows I can't eat crab.
00:03:01 Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
00:03:02 Oh, my God. Does anybody
00:03:05 Looks like syphilis to me.
00:03:07 You wouldn't know
00:03:09 if it weren't for my story
00:03:13 - Stand by to go to three.
00:03:16 Cacciatore gets mushrooms,
00:03:18 - Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
00:03:20 And whatever amount
00:03:22 - Really?
00:03:24 You can.
00:03:26 I certainly can.
00:03:27 I got a nice,
00:03:29 Excellent. Thanks.
00:03:31 - Here you go.
00:03:33 - Mm!
00:03:35 I have to say, Rocco,
00:03:36 this is the best chicken
00:03:39 I knew you'd like it.
00:03:42 - Oh, no.
00:03:44 And it's a great
00:03:46 It kind of tastes
00:03:48 - Mm-hm.
00:03:51 Get ready to an early break.
00:03:53 - Whoa, duck.
00:03:54 Man, we're a
00:03:55 We really are.
00:03:57 Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
00:03:59 Or is it okay?
00:04:01 It's good.
00:04:04 Mm.
00:04:05 Can I take home
00:04:07 You sure you don't want
00:04:09 When we return,
00:04:11 - our Skycam traffic update.
00:04:13 And guess who's
00:04:15 Stand by to roll break.
00:04:18 your very own slug worm,
00:04:20 Roll your break.
00:04:21 How about salt?
00:04:26 I don't know how you do it.
00:04:28 It's just a matter of looking
00:04:30 and telling it to eff off.
00:04:32 You guys did great.
00:04:34 I think it's time for a new chef
00:04:36 Now, come on.
00:04:38 - Abby?
00:04:40 Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
00:04:42 Oh, he got the ratings.
00:04:46 - Want some?
00:04:53 Have you seen the ratings
00:04:56 We got beat by all
00:04:58 including a rerun of
00:04:59 The one where
00:05:01 It's just a temporary setback,
00:05:03 Things will be better
00:05:05 You know that guy
00:05:08 on Channel 83 does better.
00:05:10 If we program
00:05:13 we'd do a nine-share
00:05:16 Please don't tell me
00:05:17 you're thinking
00:05:18 We're not a family-run station
00:05:21 I mean, I love you.
00:05:24 But you gotta
00:05:25 I got two daughters in college
00:05:28 I don't know how much
00:05:31 but that shit ain't cheap.
00:05:33 I can rally. I will rally.
00:05:36 You do rally.
00:05:39 But that's
00:05:41 That even you
00:05:43 I should not be letting
00:05:46 dictate the content
00:05:48 I control it.
00:05:52 Stay home,
00:05:54 Absolutely not, Abby.
00:05:56 You should be out there
00:05:58 Humanity is who watches
00:06:01 Yeah.
00:06:03 You have rescheduled
00:06:06 You cancel on him tonight
00:06:08 Look at this bone structure.
00:06:10 This could be the bone structure
00:06:13 Don't you want them
00:06:14 You printed out his profile?
00:06:16 What? These have
00:06:18 in quite some time.
00:06:19 I have to live vicariously
00:06:21 And I really think that this
00:06:25 - Hi.
00:06:27 I'm looking for a guy
00:06:30 athletic build, blue eyes.
00:06:32 Which I know you're thinking
00:06:34 but he's read
00:06:36 Well, technically
00:06:37 but I could read
00:06:39 again if it makes
00:06:43 Hi. Can I get some water
00:06:45 Uh, yeah, a bottle
00:06:47 - Sure.
00:06:48 Um, just one second.
00:06:50 Did you know they've done
00:06:53 tap water and bottled water
00:06:55 And they recently passed
00:06:58 have to filter their tap water,
00:07:00 it's filtered water,
00:07:02 except you don't have to pay
00:07:04 I like the way
00:07:06 Can I get a Scotch on the rocks,
00:07:09 Oh, yeah.
00:07:11 Huh. I thought, uh...
00:07:14 I thought in your profile
00:07:16 You like to drink red wine.
00:07:20 You printed out my profile?
00:07:22 Actually,
00:07:23 She doesn't like me
00:07:25 Not that I'm ever not prepared.
00:07:28 on your comprehensive
00:07:30 That wasn't in my profile.
00:07:32 No, but it's in your
00:07:34 So, ahem,
00:07:38 Well, what's
00:07:39 that you don't already know,
00:07:40 Ah. Good point.
00:07:44 All right,
00:07:46 I actually took the liberty
00:07:50 some talking points
00:07:53 I take it this
00:07:55 No. No. But you have
00:07:57 of the necessary attributes
00:07:59 Oh, dear God. Okay.
00:08:02 Oh, this is a good one.
00:08:23 Don't ask.
00:08:35 More on this story
00:08:37 We'll hear from a zoo official
00:08:39 And we're back with
00:08:41 where tonight
00:08:43 what it is men and women
00:08:47 I've been looking through
00:08:48 Smart Women,
00:08:52 Men Who Love Women
00:08:55 And Women Hating Men
00:08:58 Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?
00:09:00 Billions and billions wasted
00:09:06 Now, listen up, ladies, because
00:09:08 and it is just
00:09:13 Men are simple.
00:09:16 We cannot be trained.
00:09:17 All this
00:09:21 is a waste of your time
00:09:23 You wanna be a lonely hag,
00:09:26 keep reading
00:09:28 But you want a relationship,
00:09:32 It's called a Stairmaster.
00:09:34 Get on it, and get skinny,
00:09:37 and get some trashy lingerie
00:09:39 because at the end of the day,
00:09:41 all we're interested
00:09:43 And no one falls in love
00:09:45 at first sight.
00:09:46 We fall in love
00:09:49 and we stick around because
00:09:51 to do with them.
00:09:53 So you wanna win a man over,
00:09:56 you need one,
00:10:00 And don't forget to...
00:10:06 Okay? Now, let's
00:10:08 How dare you burn those books.
00:10:10 They've helped my personal life
00:10:12 What's your boyfriend's name,
00:10:15 Well,
00:10:17 My point exactly, Shrek.
00:10:20 You're on the air.
00:10:21 So you're saying that men
00:10:25 Oh, did I burst your little
00:10:28 What? Come on.
00:10:29 The only thing you burst
00:10:32 Men are completely capable
00:10:35 Okay, I'll bite.
00:10:37 - What?
00:10:39 The one who's
00:10:41 Who is he? What's he like?
00:10:43 He's smart, he's handsome
00:10:46 He's successful, but in a job
00:10:52 He loves red wine, picnics,
00:10:54 Mm, this is a guy
00:10:57 I mean, you're not calling
00:11:00 He loves dogs,
00:11:02 He never gets up before you
00:11:05 Wait a second, I get it.
00:11:07 You're a lesbian.
00:11:08 - What?
00:11:09 I mean, you just described
00:11:12 Why are you so threatened
00:11:15 Is it perhaps because you don't
00:11:18 and that is the real reason
00:11:19 why women aren't
00:11:21 Okay. Okay, I'll give you
00:11:24 to go get this guy
00:11:26 and let me meet him.
00:11:28 Well, he's out there,
00:11:31 Wait a second.
00:11:33 You're not even
00:11:35 No, I'm describing a type.
00:11:39 I thought that's
00:11:42 Ha-ha-ha! What?
00:11:44 Oh, whoa, okay,
00:11:47 Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
00:11:50 What?
00:11:51 Well, you must be.
00:11:52 Come on, you heard me.
00:11:54 If you were hot,
00:11:56 breaking some poor
00:11:59 instead of spending
00:12:02 about Mr. Wonderful.
00:12:03 Face it, you're ugly.
00:12:07 I am not ugly.
00:12:08 Well, okay,
00:12:10 let me help you out here.
00:12:11 You might as well face the fact
00:12:14 and stop pining away
00:12:17 you're never gonna get.
00:12:18 - How can you possibly...?
00:12:20 The show's called
00:12:22 If you can't face it,
00:12:25 That about
00:12:26 I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
00:12:30 JOY:
00:12:32 Well, I was very pleased
00:12:35 - That is so awesome.
00:12:37 Good morning, everyone.
00:12:39 Morning.
00:12:40 Now, before I play you this,
00:12:42 this guy's a little rough
00:12:46 Face it, you're ugly.
00:12:49 I am not ugly.
00:12:51 - Well...
00:12:53 Say hello to
00:12:55 I'm starting him off at
00:12:57 three minutes a pop.
00:12:58 - Are you kidding me?
00:13:00 - Name's Mike Chadway.
00:13:03 misogynist who represents
00:13:04 everything that is wrong
00:13:07 I get crap every time
00:13:09 even remotely fluffy.
00:13:10 Oh, come on.
00:13:12 We don't have to like it.
00:13:15 We're objective.
00:13:16 Stone Phillips interviews
00:13:18 Doesn't mean he likes them,
00:13:20 I have a whole list of ideas
00:13:22 You're gonna like it.
00:13:24 - We don't need him.
00:13:26 "An intimate profile
00:13:28 - Yes.
00:13:29 - I like the mayor.
00:13:30 The mayor?
00:13:31 Yes. It can be edgy
00:13:33 Unless you can get him to bang
00:13:35 and a German shepherd
00:13:38 no one's gonna give a shit.
00:13:41 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:13:42 I was eavesdropping
00:13:46 What did I tell you?
00:13:48 Oh, thanks, boss.
00:13:49 You already hired him?
00:13:51 Who's this
00:13:55 I'm your producer.
00:13:57 Oh. Hey.
00:14:00 I like a woman on top.
00:14:02 Ugh. God.
00:14:05 - Nice office.
00:14:07 - Oh, yeah.
00:14:09 - Hey, Mike, you see your office?
00:14:11 - Come on. Let me show you.
00:14:13 Everybody take five.
00:14:15 Were you all not there
00:14:17 for our
00:14:18 - Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
00:14:21 He wasn't
00:14:24 I am an award-winning
00:14:26 I am an award-winning
00:14:27 I am an award-winning
00:14:30 I am an awa...
00:14:31 You're an award-winning
00:14:33 You don't knock?
00:14:34 Well, I did knock.
00:14:36 So essentially,
00:14:39 by your complete
00:14:40 to the social etiquette
00:14:45 You're wound like a fucking top.
00:14:47 Woof, woof.
00:14:50 Last night, a little
00:14:53 Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
00:14:56 You're not ugly at all.
00:14:58 Oh, well,
00:15:00 I want to thank you
00:15:02 I would never have gotten it
00:15:05 You and I, we make good TV.
00:15:07 You make imbecilic trash
00:15:10 inbreds who are so busy
00:15:12 down their pants,
00:15:15 I hadn't been picturing you
00:15:18 I do not watch
00:15:20 My cat stepped
00:15:23 Oh, you want to thank
00:15:25 Ugh!
00:15:30 Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
00:15:32 I want Mike Chadway
00:15:34 I want Mike Chadway to be
00:15:36 on the seat next to you.
00:15:38 I want the janitor to come in
00:15:40 of Mike Chadway
00:15:42 and when he dumps it
00:15:44 I want the rats to vomit
00:15:45 on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
00:15:47 Wow. And I thought
00:15:52 Uh, no, Larry, that would be
00:15:56 - Chadway?
00:15:57 Twenty seconds to air.
00:15:59 About ready? Larry?
00:16:01 There's a bird
00:16:03 I'll take care of it.
00:16:04 - A real bird?
00:16:06 Why is there a bird
00:16:08 I don't know
00:16:09 Security here is awful.
00:16:10 You guys have really got
00:16:13 Four, three...
00:16:15 Good morning, everyone,
00:16:17 Another beautiful day
00:16:19 And I'm sitting here
00:16:21 - Go, 1.
00:16:24 Thank you, Larry.
00:16:25 Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.
00:16:26 Ready for the single on Georgia.
00:16:28 For years,
00:16:29 about lowering
00:16:31 But many believe that this man
00:16:33 and his local
00:16:35 have brought things
00:16:37 With that,
00:16:40 How you doing, guys?
00:16:42 Mike, how do you respond
00:16:44 who say your show is offensive?
00:16:45 Well, it is.
00:16:48 Ha. The truth about what,
00:16:52 What relationships
00:16:54 Take marriage, for instance.
00:16:56 It's about social pressure,
00:16:59 status and sex.
00:17:02 If it weren't for these
00:17:04 men and women
00:17:05 Oh, dear. Sounds to me
00:17:08 and you're taking that out
00:17:13 Good one.
00:17:15 That was a good one.
00:17:17 While we're making
00:17:19 you two project this image
00:17:22 when clearly it's a lie.
00:17:24 Excuse me?
00:17:26 Holy shit.
00:17:29 No, no, no.
00:17:30 Stuart said keep rolling
00:17:32 What? When? This is my show.
00:17:34 BOTH:
00:17:37 Come on, Larry.
00:17:39 You used to be this cool,
00:17:43 What the hell
00:17:44 And you, Georgia. I mean,
00:17:48 She knew the only way she was
00:17:51 was by hooking up
00:17:53 Then, lo and behold, she became
00:17:56 Ended up with twice
00:17:57 Come on, Larry, take him down.
00:17:59 Shh!
00:18:00 Hold on, pal. I am very proud
00:18:04 Mm, baloney, you are.
00:18:06 You feel emasculated by her.
00:18:08 And that screws with your head.
00:18:12 Which, in turn,
00:18:14 What's your point, Mr. Chadway?
00:18:17 - Yes, Georgia, take control.
00:18:20 My point is
00:18:22 hasn't had
00:18:25 I'm gonna say,
00:18:28 - Chadway, that is not my fault.
00:18:30 - I mean, come on.
00:18:33 Why is it my fault?
00:18:37 Say no to the money
00:18:38 She said "erection"
00:18:40 The other networks do it.
00:18:42 - They're talking about erections.
00:18:43 They say "erection"
00:18:45 - I agree.
00:18:47 You've economically
00:18:49 to such a point
00:18:53 - Ugh.
00:18:54 you could dump his ass, but,
00:18:56 have you seen the eligible men
00:19:01 It's slim pickings for a woman
00:19:03 Forties?
00:19:05 Oh, God.
00:19:06 Hold that shot
00:19:08 He just talked about her age.
00:19:10 - She's gonna kill me.
00:19:11 Forty?
00:19:13 I mean, you ain't gonna do
00:19:15 - You just have to let him be a man.
00:19:19 - Let him be a man, Georgia.
00:19:21 You have to let me be a man.
00:19:22 I have tried to let you
00:19:23 - Let him be a man.
00:19:25 Simple as that. Now, you,
00:19:29 Oh, God.
00:19:29 Ready for a three-shot.
00:19:32 - I'm not frowny.
00:19:34 Move in here and give
00:19:36 Oh, God.
00:19:37 This is ridiculous.
00:19:38 - That mean what I think it means?
00:19:41 No, no, no.
00:19:42 Give it to her,
00:19:44 - And in front of them.
00:19:46 Goddamn it, Georgia,
00:19:49 - No!
00:19:52 America doesn't wanna see this!
00:19:53 And that, my friends,
00:19:57 Get ready to roll to break.
00:20:00 Oh, you are a man.
00:20:03 Cut to commercial!
00:20:04 Cut to commercial!
00:20:06 That was great!
00:20:08 I told you
00:20:10 Good job,
00:20:13 Abby?
00:20:17 Found her.
00:20:19 1,143 calls,
00:20:22 over 300 e-mails, 53 percent
00:20:25 This guy's
00:20:28 They liked him?
00:20:29 Liked him?
00:20:31 93 percent positive.
00:20:33 - How is that possible?
00:20:35 But I am
00:20:37 and giving it
00:20:39 Stuart, I really think
00:20:41 What do we even
00:20:43 Who is he, really?
00:20:45 Moved here when he was 10,
00:20:46 pitched two consecutive
00:20:48 Cute.
00:20:49 Voted "Most Likely
00:20:51 in his senior yearbook.
00:20:53 Salesman of the Year at
00:20:56 Once arrested for urinating
00:20:58 That is actually
00:21:00 Tell me about it.
00:21:01 Never been married,
00:21:03 Look, let's just keep a smile
00:21:05 and we'll both get
00:21:10 Congratulations?
00:21:27 Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
00:21:29 I'm having a party on Saturday
00:21:32 when I drink tequila.
00:21:38 It's me, Nikki.
00:21:43 - I can't stop...
00:21:45 thinking about your huge...
00:21:48 Who's that?
00:21:52 - Dripping wet...
00:21:55 How was school?
00:21:58 - Well, you totally hosed me.
00:22:01 Last week on your show,
00:22:03 "Always be mean to hot girls
00:22:04 because they'll want you more".
00:22:08 She cried,
00:22:10 First of all, don't listen
00:22:14 Second of all, you're supposed
00:22:18 who think they're hot and
00:22:20 not 14-year-old girls.
00:22:23 They're going through puberty.
00:22:24 They got enough problems.
00:22:27 Mom said when she was 14,
00:22:29 she was the prettiest girl
00:22:31 Well, I was there when
00:22:33 and let me tell you something.
00:22:35 Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
00:22:36 He was blind from touching
00:22:40 Ha. That's a nice thing
00:22:42 Like he hasn't heard worse
00:22:45 Let's hope you can clean it up
00:22:49 Congrats.
00:23:05 Oh!
00:23:09 No, D'Artagnan, you get
00:23:12 No, do not... No, no, no.
00:23:17 D'Artagnan.
00:23:20 D'Artagnan!
00:23:22 Shit!
00:23:25 All right.
00:23:27 I'll just come up.
00:23:30 I'm really not that flexible,
00:23:34 I got you, hold on.
00:23:36 Hold on. Come here, baby.
00:23:38 No, no. No, no. Come on.
00:23:41 Good boy.
00:23:44 Okay. You're gonna be okay.
00:23:47 Oh. I hope we can get down.
00:23:57 Oh, my.
00:24:03 Oh, my.
00:24:06 My, my.
00:24:10 Ooh.
00:24:12 He flosses.
00:24:20 Oh, my God!
00:24:23 Somebody help me!
00:24:25 I'm stuck in a tree!
00:24:27 Help me! Anybody!
00:24:30 - I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
00:24:32 - You're gonna be fine.
00:24:37 Sorry. Oh, my God.
00:24:40 So you just moved in.
00:24:42 I'm Abby, by the way.
00:24:44 Your neighbor
00:24:46 So you're a doctor? Wow.
00:24:49 An orthopedic surgeon.
00:24:50 Yeah, I do a lotta
00:24:52 but I do get
00:24:54 Your ankle seems to be fine.
00:24:56 Just a mild sprain,
00:24:57 Great. Thank you.
00:24:59 I guess I'm pretty lucky
00:25:01 outside your window to climb.
00:25:04 Well, I'm here
00:25:06 Look, I'm gonna put
00:25:08 on the back
00:25:09 If your ankle starts giving you
00:25:11 just give me a call.
00:25:13 Great. Thanks.
00:25:17 Oh, wow, that's so weird.
00:25:20 Well, you know,
00:25:23 I'm a cat person.
00:25:27 Yeah.
00:25:31 Well, I guess
00:25:35 Yeah.
00:25:36 Yeah.
00:25:40 Yeah. Ha-ha.
00:25:45 - Thanks again for saving my life.
00:25:47 - Okay. Bye.
00:25:54 - You forgot your cat.
00:25:56 I had a spider on me. Ugh.
00:25:58 - Yeah.
00:26:00 - All right, okay.
00:26:01 - Thanks again.
00:26:05 You are not gonna believe
00:26:08 - Symmetrical?
00:26:10 - Oh, good Lord.
00:26:11 Well, how did you leave it?
00:26:12 I mean, did he ask
00:26:14 No, but he gave me his.
00:26:15 So what do I do?
00:26:16 If I call do call him,
00:26:18 - Okay. Take a breath.
00:26:19 And please, sweetheart,
00:26:21 - No tap water.
00:26:22 Don't bring it up.
00:26:24 You've got naughty eyes.
00:26:25 - Anyone ever tell you that?
00:26:28 Hold that thought.
00:26:29 No, hey,
00:26:32 Down a bit. Down a bit.
00:26:35 Okay.
00:26:37 Bye, Karen.
00:26:41 Keep it clean, moving,
00:26:44 You are on a live
00:26:46 You do not have the luxury
00:26:48 "blow" and "job"
00:26:49 If you say anything
00:26:51 you will be fired.
00:26:53 - Oh, really?
00:26:54 Because I kind of thought
00:26:56 that was gonna get fired
00:26:59 Yes. I've got a list of demands
00:27:03 after the show,
00:27:06 they're gonna be
00:27:11 Ow. Ah.
00:27:12 You know, just because
00:27:15 I won't mention the misguided
00:27:18 When you hear my voice,
00:27:20 Heh-heh.
00:27:24 Good morning,
00:27:26 And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
00:27:28 And I'm Mike Chadway.
00:27:29 And this is The Ugly Truth.
00:27:31 Where we'll be taking
00:27:34 to talk about men, women
00:27:38 Let's start with men.
00:27:40 Men are simple.
00:27:42 To illustrate my point,
00:27:43 here we have
00:27:46 We have, uh, candlelight,
00:27:51 your own personal violinist.
00:27:53 Now,
00:27:55 over here, we have something
00:27:57 This isn't on my list.
00:28:00 Is the segment over?
00:28:02 Where the hell's he going?
00:28:04 - Follow him. Follow him.
00:28:06 Go with him, Remote 1.
00:28:08 Hey.
00:28:12 - Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
00:28:15 There's people calling
00:28:17 - and freaking out.
00:28:19 - Sit down!
00:28:21 Let's take a quick survey
00:28:23 and see which option
00:28:25 We have classical music
00:28:27 or semi-naked chicks wrestling
00:28:33 Aah!
00:28:36 Oh, shit.
00:28:38 All right.
00:28:40 If we're gonna do this,
00:28:43 Two, get ready to go wide.
00:28:46 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
00:28:50 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
00:28:52 Just do it.
00:29:03 I was wrong. It's cherry.
00:29:07 Back to you in the studio,
00:29:10 Uh...
00:29:12 Coming up,
00:29:14 and see how
00:29:16 Can she
00:29:17 with a ball on her nose?
00:29:20 When we come back.
00:29:27 Chemistry.
00:29:31 Ah.
00:29:33 Great job, ladies.
00:29:36 You know what I mean.
00:29:41 Huh?
00:29:43 I once had the Archbishop
00:29:45 Who's that?
00:29:46 I can't even demonstrate
00:29:49 because you're not smart enough
00:29:51 Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
00:29:54 You were the one that
00:29:56 Do you understand
00:29:58 It was cheap titillation.
00:29:59 I am now going
00:30:01 right behind the naked
00:30:06 Seriously?
00:30:07 There's a
00:30:09 Hey, can we get her?
00:30:11 You have to do it
00:30:14 Think of my son.
00:30:16 My son, who had a dream
00:30:18 Think about him.
00:30:21 Just do it for me.
00:30:23 Today it'll be partly sunny
00:30:25 from my left breast.
00:30:27 Low pressure systems
00:30:29 so expect a cold front.
00:30:36 Watch Mike Chadway
00:30:39 giving us The Ugly Truth
00:30:42 at 9:00, right here
00:30:43 Oh, God.
00:30:50 I used
00:30:52 until I found out it was
00:30:54 - Did you know that?
00:30:55 - I almost started to gag.
00:30:58 - John.
00:31:00 Oh. Thanks, John.
00:31:05 Guess I should be happy
00:31:07 Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never
00:31:11 I feel dirty.
00:31:13 Did you hear about
00:31:15 Yes,
00:31:17 Well, then did you hear that
00:31:19 to take me out to dinner?
00:31:21 Oh. Well, let's hope you can
00:31:25 Why do you hate my guts?
00:31:26 Your innards are of
00:31:29 It's what you represent.
00:31:30 - Oh, you hate the truth.
00:31:31 Your skewed perception
00:31:34 is not the truth.
00:31:35 But your imaginary
00:31:38 For your information,
00:31:41 Mm. Well, I hope
00:31:43 because otherwise
00:31:45 Oh, he's real.
00:31:47 Not to mention stunningly
00:31:51 He's a surgeon.
00:31:53 - You know what that means.
00:31:55 Had to stick his finger up
00:31:58 in medical school.
00:31:59 You disgust me.
00:32:04 So did Butt Boy ask you out?
00:32:06 Not yet.
00:32:08 We're taking things slow,
00:32:10 getting to know
00:32:12 Why am I
00:32:13 In other words,
00:32:23 What are you doing?
00:32:28 Doctor's office.
00:32:30 Hi. This is Abby Richter
00:32:32 Please hold.
00:32:34 - What're you doing?
00:32:35 - Why are you calling this guy?
00:32:36 - Shh.
00:32:38 - Dr. Anderson.
00:32:40 Your neighbor
00:32:44 Hey. Everything okay?
00:32:47 How's the, uh,
00:32:49 Couldn't be better.
00:32:52 I was just calling
00:32:54 how much I enjoyed
00:32:58 Thanks.
00:33:01 Uh,
00:33:02 go out for dinner sometime.
00:33:03 Oh.
00:33:05 There is a new
00:33:07 and an art opening
00:33:11 So I was thinking
00:33:14 Um, Friday.
00:33:17 Would Saturday be better?
00:33:20 Abby, the thing is,
00:33:27 What the hell
00:33:28 I'm saving you.
00:33:30 He wasn't blowing me off!
00:33:31 Don't. Okay, he'll be
00:33:34 And when you don't,
00:33:36 How do you know?
00:33:39 If you want it to
00:33:41 then you'll listen to me,
00:33:44 You've probably already done
00:33:46 with your psycho-aggressive
00:33:49 It might even be too late.
00:33:50 And if you do salvage
00:33:52 you'll never be more than Abby,
00:33:54 his desperate neighbor.
00:33:55 I'm not desperate.
00:33:57 Why? Did you think
00:34:00 Listen to you.
00:34:02 Desperately asking me
00:34:06 - Ah! Oh!
00:34:09 Although you won't admit it,
00:34:11 you know that I know
00:34:13 It's your call, dude.
00:34:16 Fine. What do I do?
00:34:18 Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug".
00:34:20 - Why would I...?
00:34:23 Hey, Doug.
00:34:24 Uh, no.
00:34:27 Oh, my God!
00:34:29 That's perfect.
00:34:31 Uh, who's,
00:34:33 Who's Doug?
00:34:35 He's just a guy I'm seeing.
00:34:38 Just a guy I'm seeing.
00:34:41 Oh, okay.
00:34:44 - Hang on a second.
00:34:46 Sure.
00:34:49 Now what?
00:34:50 Now just make him wait.
00:34:51 If he's still holding
00:34:53 you may
00:34:54 No one's gonna wait
00:34:56 they're trying to blow off.
00:34:57 You better
00:34:59 Just give me a little time,
00:35:00 I'm gonna make this guy
00:35:02 I don't want a bitch.
00:35:04 He is a well-rounded man
00:35:06 capable of mature emotions
00:35:10 Things which
00:35:12 Maybe not.
00:35:14 seduction and manipulation.
00:35:16 Things that you know not of.
00:35:19 Abby, I'll make you a deal.
00:35:20 If you do exactly as I say,
00:35:23 then you'll quit giving me shit
00:35:27 You know as well as I do that
00:35:30 And if it doesn't work?
00:35:35 Then I'll quit.
00:35:36 You're really
00:35:44 It's been more than 30 seconds.
00:35:52 All right, deal. Now what?
00:35:55 Always make an impression.
00:35:57 Let's get a move on.
00:35:59 But what about the...?
00:36:01 In five seconds,
00:36:04 What are you,
00:36:07 Amazing.
00:36:10 Rule number one:
00:36:13 Even if it's constructive?
00:36:16 Men are incapable of growth,
00:36:18 For men, self-improvement
00:36:21 - Huh.
00:36:23 And rule number two:
00:36:26 What if what he says
00:36:28 That's irrelevant.
00:36:29 A fake laugh is like
00:36:31 A fake orgasm is good?
00:36:32 No, but a fake orgasm
00:36:35 A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
00:36:38 You're not the only person
00:36:40 Let's not be selfish.
00:36:42 Now, that was perfect.
00:36:44 Real or fake?
00:36:46 You'll never know.
00:36:48 ¶ My face to the sky
00:36:51 Rule number three:
00:36:54 We have to change your look.
00:36:56 What's wrong with my look?
00:36:58 Abby, you're a very
00:37:01 but you are completely
00:37:02 You're all about
00:37:04 What's wrong with comfort
00:37:06 Well, nothing,
00:37:10 Hello. May I be of assistance?
00:37:13 We need cocktail dresses,
00:37:14 tight jeans and some bras
00:37:17 sit up and say hello.
00:37:20 They're not saying hello now?
00:37:23 Actually, they're giving off
00:37:25 rather than
00:37:27 You know what?
00:37:30 I think this would be wonderful.
00:37:32 Now, that is a bra.
00:37:34 Mm-hm.
00:37:36 "Put me in your mouth,
00:37:38 I'm actually wearing one
00:37:43 Length is very important.
00:37:46 We need short enough
00:37:48 but not so short to see vag.
00:37:51 Mm. Vag says
00:37:53 You think?
00:37:55 Jeans are all about
00:37:57 You've... Well,
00:37:59 Now all you need is
00:38:02 Did you just tell me
00:38:03 Do you always have
00:38:05 Oh!
00:38:06 Rule number four:
00:38:09 because men don't
00:38:11 - Some men care.
00:38:14 When we ask you how you're
00:38:17 "Let me stick
00:38:18 Ugh!
00:38:19 Oh, I know you think
00:38:22 but trust me, he's a guy.
00:38:23 If he's even remotely into you,
00:38:26 each one of your orifices
00:38:28 I love how you assume all men
00:38:31 Oh, I don't assume.
00:38:34 Wait. We need to make
00:38:37 Why? I have tons of stuff.
00:38:39 Nah, we have to make
00:38:41 Men like something to grab onto
00:38:43 My hair is fine. There's
00:38:45 Abby, a ponytail implies
00:38:48 operating heavy machinery
00:38:51 Neither of those things
00:38:53 Why is it my responsibility
00:38:55 Why isn't that his job?
00:38:57 Shut up.
00:39:18 Well? What do you think?
00:39:21 Uh... Not bad.
00:39:23 I just...
00:39:25 I don't wanna be perceived
00:39:27 And I don't want you
00:39:29 You have to be two people:
00:39:32 The librarian
00:39:35 On the one hand,
00:39:38 with a cold indifference,
00:39:40 on the other, you have to be
00:39:46 Now, we have to teach
00:39:47 I know how to flirt.
00:39:48 You know how to flirt?
00:39:50 "Oh, my name's Abby,
00:39:53 I also love cats, gardening,
00:39:56 I don't think so.
00:39:58 Hey, babe,
00:40:00 Hey, you know what?
00:40:01 I wouldn't say that,
00:40:03 What's wrong
00:40:05 - What's it there for if not to grab it?
00:40:08 You're just a set of orifices
00:40:11 And you are a deeply,
00:40:15 Hm. Maybe I'm just
00:40:20 - Would you stop doing that?
00:40:22 Uh, running your finger
00:40:26 Over me.
00:40:27 Why?
00:40:31 - Maybe.
00:40:34 It's weird,
00:40:37 Really?
00:40:39 - Sucker.
00:40:40 - Okay, no teaching the teacher.
00:40:44 - Who is it?
00:40:46 I'm not ready for this.
00:40:48 - I'm not ready for this.
00:40:50 Okay. Keep the conversation
00:40:53 - Under a minute?
00:40:54 Under a minute.
00:40:56 No, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:59 You're such an asshole.
00:41:03 - Hi.
00:41:05 - Wow, you look great.
00:41:08 Yeah, I was just
00:41:10 - So, what happened to you today?
00:41:13 Well, you put me on hold
00:41:16 - Oh, my God. Was that you?
00:41:18 - I'm so sorry.
00:41:22 Uh, Colin, would you mind
00:41:24 I'm just so busy.
00:41:27 - Abby, wait.
00:41:30 No, that's good.
00:41:33 Make him suffer. Suffer.
00:41:34 Abby, I was wondering
00:41:37 to the Devils game
00:41:46 Go, Comets!
00:41:49 ANNOUNCER
00:41:56 Okay, I have
00:42:01 Just relax.
00:42:04 Now, do exactly
00:42:06 and when
00:42:10 You follow baseball?
00:42:15 Eh. Ha-ha-ha.
00:42:17 You okay?
00:42:18 I'm fine.
00:42:20 That was a little over the top,
00:42:22 - Well, thanks.
00:42:27 Well, thanks for being you.
00:42:30 - Mm-hm.
00:42:41 Excuse me.
00:42:44 Oh, my God.
00:42:47 I love you.
00:42:48 - Hey, buddy, what the hell?
00:42:51 - Dude, what the fuck?
00:42:53 No, no, no.
00:42:55 I'm not talking to you.
00:43:00 No, stop. Listen.
00:43:01 Tell him you saw him
00:43:05 I... I saw you.
00:43:06 I saw you
00:43:08 - Who?
00:43:11 I was trying to get us
00:43:13 - Oh. Okay.
00:43:17 Okay, we need a quick recovery.
00:43:20 Um...
00:43:21 Make sure you put the hot dog
00:43:23 in your mouth nice and slowly.
00:43:29 Men like watching
00:43:30 penis-shaped food
00:43:33 - Oh!
00:43:36 I'm so sorry.
00:43:37 - Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
00:43:39 You know, I can get this out.
00:43:42 - What kind of fabric is this?
00:43:44 Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.
00:43:46 Well, actually,
00:43:48 - After that would be suede.
00:43:49 - I think I can get it out.
00:43:51 Oh, look,
00:44:03 - Where?
00:44:05 Abby? Abby,
00:44:13 Way to go, Abby.
00:44:19 Okay, I got you.
00:44:21 Can't say today
00:44:23 You're being nice.
00:44:24 - I embarrassed you.
00:44:26 You're just, uh,
00:44:29 I know.
00:44:30 No, actually,
00:44:32 I'm used to women I can
00:44:35 But I can't
00:44:37
00:44:41 Now, tell him good night
00:44:44 We're gonna give
00:44:46 Well, good night then.
00:44:59 That definitely made up
00:45:01 Ha. Me too.
00:45:03 No, scratch that.
00:45:05 Yeah. Ha-ha.
00:45:07 - I'll see you later.
00:45:08 - Okay.
00:45:09 Bye.
00:45:13 Night.
00:45:14 Night.
00:45:20 Oh!
00:45:26 You did it! You did it!
00:45:27 I didn't do anything.
00:45:29 - It was you.
00:45:30 I mean, don't ask me why,
00:45:33 - He's such a great guy, right?
00:45:36 Yeah. And he fits all 10
00:45:39 Right. Though weren't items
00:45:41 something to do with him
00:45:44 I'm gonna ignore that,
00:45:46 because I am in such
00:45:48 Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
00:46:03 Of all the primates,
00:46:05 are the closest relatives
00:46:07 both genetically and socially.
00:46:09 Especially when
00:46:12 They use sex
00:46:14 One of my favorite
00:46:16 In fact, when they come upon
00:46:19 they have a gangbang
00:46:22 - Small person on-set.
00:46:25 ...which is something
00:46:27 No, no, no.
00:46:29 It's okay. I know him.
00:46:31 - You do?
00:46:32 ...sit on their asses
00:46:35 Sounds like a great argument
00:46:39 And that, my friends,
00:46:42 And we're wrapped.
00:46:44 Heh-heh.
00:46:45 Thank you.
00:46:48 Yeah, I've got an adult
00:46:50 in my pants.
00:46:52 I'd like to see that.
00:46:54 Hey. What are you
00:46:56 I told you no watching
00:47:00 JONAH:
00:47:02 Tracy Mclvor asked me
00:47:04 Is it dorky if I say yes?
00:47:06 Dorky?
00:47:08 Hell, no. Are you kidding?
00:47:11 You're ahead of the game.
00:47:14 You know
00:47:16 Relish
00:47:19 Now get the hell out of here.
00:47:21 - Okay.
00:47:22 JONAH:
00:47:24 Hey, have I ever?
00:47:27 He lives with you?
00:47:29 Well, next door, with my sister.
00:47:32 Oh.
00:47:34 Oh.
00:47:35 - Cute kid.
00:47:37 Here, uh, do me.
00:47:41 - Okay. So guess what.
00:47:43 Colin called, he wants
00:47:47 Oh, Lord.
00:47:49 Um, so how long should I wait
00:47:53 Well, the more you
00:47:55 the more you're gonna
00:47:57 So do everything else but.
00:48:00 But then show him
00:48:04 that beneath that control-freak
00:48:07 that there's a sexual deviant
00:48:11 No. No, I'm not
00:48:14 Good point.
00:48:16 I'm guessing you've been
00:48:18 - a year?
00:48:21 - Eleven months.
00:48:23 Eleven months.
00:48:27 So how often do you, uh...?
00:48:30 Do I what?
00:48:32 - Do I what?
00:48:35 flick the bean?
00:48:37 What bean?
00:48:38 - Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
00:48:41 Gross! That's what you call it?
00:48:43 No, well, actually,
00:48:45 but I thought that might
00:48:47 ladylike sensibilities.
00:48:50 - So how often do you flick it?
00:48:53 How often do you flick it?
00:48:54 You're only asking me that so
00:48:58 - while you flick yours.
00:49:00 I would never picture you
00:49:02 which is
00:49:03 - I don't do that, not ever.
00:49:05 - No. No. No.
00:49:07 I find it impersonal.
00:49:09 Abby, what could be
00:49:11 than you
00:49:13 I just don't see myself
00:49:15 Okay, well, I do.
00:49:18 Well, you better start.
00:49:20 Because if you don't
00:49:23 - why the hell would Colin?
00:49:40 What is this?
00:49:46 What? What, baby?
00:49:52 What is this?
00:49:58 "Astrea 1".
00:50:01 Oh. "Vibrating brief". Wow.
00:50:23 Great.
00:51:06 He said he was running late.
00:51:08 Ugh. What is he
00:51:22 Good, you're ready.
00:51:24 The dinner
00:51:26 - Didn't you get my e-mail?
00:51:28 And I can't.
00:51:31 You can't go because
00:51:32 You have no idea how hard
00:51:38 Well, then let's pick
00:51:40 Come on, let's go.
00:51:42 Come on.
00:51:45 Sorry to hijack
00:51:47 No worries.
00:51:50 No, dude,
00:51:52 So you're, uh...
00:51:54 No, I do
00:51:57 Hasn't he ever seen
00:51:59 Come on, Stuart.
00:52:00 Our show's way too
00:52:03 - He's a doctor.
00:52:05 That's right, he is.
00:52:07 He doesn't wanna hear about
00:52:09 and oral sex.
00:52:11 You talk about oral sex?
00:52:12 Oh, look, we're here.
00:52:16 You invited
00:52:18 Yeah. I thought
00:52:20 Well, it certainly
00:52:22 Ladies,
00:52:29 Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
00:52:30 BOB:
00:52:31 Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
00:52:34 And we all know Mike Chadway.
00:52:36 And who are these
00:52:37 Something tells me we won't be
00:52:41 That's right.
00:52:43 Our table's waiting. Shall we?
00:52:45 Come this way.
00:52:46 You're doing
00:52:48 Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
00:52:51 - That's a good one, huh?
00:52:54 HAROLD:
00:53:00 So you guys here
00:53:06 Ow!
00:53:08 Oh, that's my guy,
00:53:15 Yeah.
00:53:17 Yeah. Right.
00:53:19 No, really,
00:53:22 about this year's rating
00:53:25 that in the next quarter, we...
00:53:27 Oh, God.
00:53:29 Nothing. Nothing.
00:53:32 Um... Could you excuse me?
00:53:36 - Shit.
00:53:43 What are you doing?
00:53:46 - What remote?
00:53:51 The underwear.
00:53:53 What?
00:53:54 You're wearing them now?
00:53:58 Oh! Wow.
00:54:00 - Are you okay?
00:54:04 Yeah.
00:54:07 Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.
00:54:12 Quite possibly the best
00:54:17 Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
00:54:19 Abby, uh, hold on.
00:54:20 Tell Harold about
00:54:23 we're starting next week.
00:54:25 Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
00:54:33 Well, they're, uh...
00:54:37 every hour, on the hour.
00:54:41 Yep. Yep, yep.
00:54:45 They're so,
00:54:48 so...
00:54:49 You tell them, Mike.
00:54:53 Yes, you tell them.
00:54:55 Actually,
00:54:57 the way you were
00:55:01 You were...
00:55:05 What's in ceviche?
00:55:09 They're, um...
00:55:10 They're unlike anything
00:55:14 Amazing.
00:55:16 And they're of...
00:55:17 Of Mike telling an ugly truth,
00:55:20 and they are just so...
00:55:22 So cutting-edge.
00:55:25 So... So fantastic.
00:55:27 Oh, God!
00:55:29 Oh, God. Yeah!
00:55:36 Well, gotta love her
00:55:42 I'm gonna use the restroom,
00:55:46 if you'll excuse me.
00:55:51 Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
00:55:55 Did you know
00:55:57 Not the whole time,
00:56:00 I figured I should
00:56:02 How kind.
00:56:04 So thanks for coming tonight.
00:56:07 To dinner.
00:56:08 - That kind of coming.
00:56:13 He likes you, by the way.
00:56:17 I can tell.
00:56:18 Really?
00:56:19 We ready to go?
00:56:21 Yeah.
00:56:22 - I know Abby is.
00:56:25 Let's go.
00:56:26 - Take care. Thanks.
00:56:36 Well, that went well,
00:56:38 - Sure did. Let's get a drink.
00:56:40 Bob and Harold...
00:56:44 ¶ I got a pocket
00:56:50 ¶ Oh, whoa ¶
00:56:53 ¶ Do what you want
00:56:55 ¶ Sticks and stones
00:56:57 ¶ No, oh, whoa, oh ¶
00:57:01 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:03 ¶ A secret place ¶
00:57:05 ¶ A sweet escape ¶
00:57:07 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:09 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:11 ¶ To better days ¶
00:57:14 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:16 ¶ A hiding place ¶
00:57:19 ¶ I got a pocket
00:57:21 ¶ I got a love and
00:57:23 ¶ Oh, whoa, oh ¶
00:57:27 ¶ Do what you want
00:57:30 ¶ Sticks and stones
00:57:32 ¶ Oh, oh, whoa, oh ¶
00:57:36 ¶ Wish that you could
00:57:38 ¶ Do anything
00:57:41 ¶ No, oh, no ¶
00:57:44 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:46 ¶ A secret place ¶
00:57:49 ¶ A sweet escape ¶
00:57:51 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:53 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:57:55 ¶ To better days ¶
00:57:58 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:58:00 ¶ A hiding place ¶
00:58:07 ¶ The sun is on my side ¶
00:58:10 ¶ Take me for a ride ¶
00:58:12 ¶ I smile up to the sky ¶
00:58:14 ¶ I know I'll be all right ¶
00:58:16 ¶ The sun is on my side ¶
00:58:18 ¶ Take me for a ride ¶
00:58:19 Oh, my God. For me?
00:58:22 Oh, my God,
00:58:27 ¶ A sweet escape ¶
00:58:30 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:58:33 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:58:35 ¶ A secret place ¶
00:58:37 ¶ To better days ¶
00:58:39 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:58:41 ¶ Take me away ¶
00:58:44 Uh-huh. Okay. Just conference me
00:58:48 Okay, bye. All right,
00:58:50 so we have
00:58:52 and I thought for sweeps,
00:58:55 on how men are full of hot air.
00:58:56 - Right? It's good, right?
00:58:59 No. Well, we should still
00:59:01 because you're great when
00:59:04 I'm sorry, did you just
00:59:09 Yeah, you kind of are.
00:59:12 Hm. Back at you, babe.
00:59:17 So tell me this.
00:59:19 Why hasn't some fancy
00:59:23 Oh, I much prefer
00:59:26 Ha. Come on.
00:59:28 You just like being
00:59:31 - No. No.
00:59:34 And Sacramento
00:59:35 it's more of a lake,
00:59:39 And it's a great place
00:59:42 Uh, really good
00:59:44 The parks are clean
00:59:46 And there's a much lower
00:59:48 divorce rate here than
00:59:58 Yes, well...
00:59:59 Thank God Colin would never
01:00:03 Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only
01:00:07 That's a trait to be admired,
01:00:09 Man-whore?
01:00:13 I've seen you with
01:00:15 Saw me what?
01:00:17 What, you saw me introduce them
01:00:20 They wanna be actresses, baby.
01:00:22 I mean, who am I
01:00:25 Mm, such a generous man.
01:00:27 Now, you're telling me
01:00:29 Well, no, I didn't say that.
01:00:32 Men, or man-whores,
01:00:35 prefer women in slutty clothes
01:00:40 Every man wants that.
01:00:42 And for your information,
01:00:43 I only slept with the one
01:00:46 Wait a second,
01:00:49 Yes. Yes, I did.
01:00:51 I can say "cock".
01:00:54 Cock, cock, cock.
01:00:56 Okay, I got it.
01:00:58 A week ago, you were crying
01:01:01 Now you're, "cock this,
01:01:07 You slept with Colin,
01:01:09 No. No.
01:01:13 We didn't. We're saving
01:01:15 He's taking me
01:01:20 Wow.
01:01:24 Wow.
01:01:28 Well,
01:01:30 here's to overturning
01:01:34 I'm really a man
01:01:37 and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
01:01:39 Thank you.
01:01:44 So there you have it.
01:01:46 Never assume a girl is easy
01:01:50 There are many layers
01:01:52 And it's your job, gentlemen,
01:01:55 and figure out exactly what type
01:02:00 That sounded
01:02:02 Because once you do peel back
01:02:05 her lady garden awaits.
01:02:08 And he's back.
01:02:10 And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
01:02:12 that patch of petunias.
01:02:13 Well, thanks, Mike.
01:02:16 Coming up after this message,
01:02:19 are gonna see any rainfall
01:02:22 I sure hope mine do.
01:02:25 I wanna go home, but let's
01:02:27 Yeah, let's get it done
01:02:30 I'm turned on with the layers.
01:02:34 - There he is.
01:02:35 Good news.
01:02:37 What?
01:02:39 with Craig Ferguson.
01:02:43 Craig Ferguson wants me
01:02:45 Yeah.
01:02:46 You're shitting me.
01:02:48 - Oh, yeah!
01:02:51 Yes!
01:02:54 Hi. Who are you?
01:02:56 Oh, this is Rick.
01:02:57 - I'm his agent.
01:02:59 Since when do you have an agent?
01:03:02 to book Late Night without
01:03:05 Actually, it's Late Late.
01:03:08 And since he became the hottest
01:03:11 Have you seen this guy's
01:03:13 Yes. Yes, I have.
01:03:16 Yeah, okay.
01:03:18 - Okay.
01:03:19 - How cool is this?
01:03:23 Aah! Oh, my God!
01:03:30 Joy said
01:03:32 I just found out that
01:03:35 at a CBS affiliate in
01:03:37 Craig Ferguson
01:03:40 - You can't be serious.
01:03:43 If Bob and Harold find out
01:03:45 Now, I need you to fly out there
01:03:48 I'm going to Lake Tahoe
01:03:49 Just don't let him know
01:03:52 Go ahead and let him do the
01:03:55 and then convince him
01:03:57 for the next three years.
01:04:11 Stuart, I'm pulling up.
01:04:12 I'm gonna try to catch him
01:04:14 Okay. I'll call you back.
01:04:17 Thank you.
01:04:19 Hello,
01:04:22 You'd be on cable access
01:04:24 Hear you wanna move to CBS.
01:04:25 Is everything okay, miss?
01:04:28 Yes, I'm just...
01:04:33 Abby?
01:04:35 I thought you were
01:04:37 Oh. You couldn't spend a day
01:04:39 Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
01:04:43 Stuart thought you needed
01:04:44 than I needed to get laid.
01:04:46 So come on, I gotta check in.
01:04:48 Wow.
01:04:50 Five minutes.
01:04:53 Yes, dear.
01:04:55 Okay, uh, so let's go over
01:04:59 I'm sorry you didn't get
01:05:02 with little Colin
01:05:03 And by "little,"
01:05:06 although I highly suspect
01:05:08 Colin's penis. That's what
01:05:12 Because I thought maybe
01:05:15 what you're gonna say
01:05:16 Yeah. Okay.
01:05:19 So tell me, Mike,
01:05:23 Uh, well,
01:05:25 I had a sales job
01:05:27 where I was driving around
01:05:30 I started calling in,
01:05:32 and then I realized
01:05:35 Just ask my producer, Abby.
01:05:37 She thinks
01:05:38 when she's not
01:05:40 Yes, thousands of lives
01:05:42 have been enriched
01:05:43 Excuse me, lady,
01:05:45 but you have a boyfriend
01:05:47 It may have started
01:05:49 but it's lasted because of me.
01:05:50 Great.
01:05:51 your normal control-freak
01:05:54 I am not a control freak.
01:05:55 When you checked
01:05:57 did you or did you not
01:06:00 an eastern-facing room
01:06:04 I like rising with the sun,
01:06:08 My point is, that Colin likes
01:06:13 not the Abby version
01:06:14 So don't go knocking
01:06:17 when you're living proof
01:06:20 I could be
01:06:22 Right this way, please.
01:06:24 Dude, this is awesome.
01:06:25 You are about to go on
01:06:28 Okay, this isn't helping,
01:06:30 Just, you know,
01:06:33 What do I always do?
01:06:35 You, uh...
01:06:38 You entertain millions of people
01:06:41 and they love you for it.
01:06:43 I think that may be the nicest
01:06:45 - You're welcome.
01:06:47 here to tell us the ugly truth
01:06:49 is Mike Chadway, everybody.
01:06:54 Mike, Mike, Mike.
01:06:56 Come on up.
01:06:58 Hey, how are you, folks?
01:07:01 FERGUSON:
01:07:03 Now, listen. Men, we men,
01:07:07 Not necessarily "wee" men,
01:07:10 No, I get it. I get it.
01:07:11 We're not known for
01:07:13 in matters of the heart.
01:07:15 But I hear you have some very
01:07:19 What advice would you give
01:07:22 that are
01:07:24 My advice would be, uh:
01:07:26 Don't do it.
01:07:28 I mean,
01:07:30 It's a lot easier
01:07:33 Blue balls,
01:07:35 but a broken heart,
01:07:42 Goodness me. Tell me, then.
01:07:45 Who?
01:07:47 The woman that screwed
01:07:56 Ah. Well, like I said,
01:08:06 Hi. I was looking
01:08:22 Did you get him? Is he ours?
01:08:24 I'm working on it.
01:08:26 I gotta go.
01:08:29 - Where's Rick?
01:08:32 I thought maybe you and I
01:08:34 Here. Give me some of that.
01:08:36 And, uh, what exactly
01:08:39 Hello? Craig Ferguson?
01:08:42 I mean, maybe you saw it?
01:08:45 I heard about
01:08:49 Well, then maybe you heard
01:08:52 You did?
01:08:55 Why?
01:08:56 Jonah.
01:08:59 You know,
01:09:02 I may not be the best
01:09:05 but I'm the only one he's got.
01:09:07 And I don't wanna half-ass it
01:09:11 Well, I think that's
01:09:14 Thank you.
01:09:15 Now, can we stop
01:09:18 and maybe relax
01:09:23 God.
01:09:26 Tell me about the doozy.
01:09:27 You know, the woman
01:09:30 You are just totally
01:09:33 No, I'm not. I'm just interested
01:09:39 Well,
01:09:42 it was, uh...
01:09:45 It was more like a parade.
01:09:49 Co-dependent girls,
01:09:53 depressed girls,
01:09:55 narcissistic girls,
01:09:58 Girls who, it turned out,
01:10:03 By the time I hit 30,
01:10:06 you can only have
01:10:08 before you figure out
01:10:09 there's no such thing
01:10:10 Oh, come on. You can't really
01:10:13 as a good relationship.
01:10:15 Mm. To my very core.
01:10:20 Hello. Can I
01:10:22 I'll have one of those, please.
01:10:24 Would you like anything else?
01:10:26 Okay, would you like
01:10:29 - Tap water's great. Thanks.
01:10:33 What?
01:10:34 What?
01:10:36 It's the exact same thing,
01:10:40 So I've been told.
01:10:45 Come on, let's dance.
01:10:47 No, I'm serious.
01:10:50 I've seen your spazzy dance,
01:10:53 No, really.
01:10:55 I can. Well, kind of.
01:11:01 Ugh. Mike, no.
01:11:03 No.
01:11:21 ¶ The way you walk
01:11:23 ¶ The way you smile
01:11:25 ¶ The way you move
01:11:27 ¶ Makes me glad
01:11:29 ¶ The way you walk
01:11:31 ¶ The way you smile
01:11:33 ¶ The way you move
01:11:35 ¶ Makes me glad
01:12:09 ¶ The way you walk
01:12:11 ¶ The way you smile
01:12:14 ¶ The way you move
01:12:15 ¶ Makes me glad
01:12:17 ¶ The way you walk
01:12:19 ¶ The way you smile
01:12:21 ¶ The way you move
01:12:23 ¶ Makes me glad
01:12:35 We have an early flight
01:12:44 Yeah. We should go.
01:13:16 So the car is gonna pick us
01:13:20 Do you want me to call you?
01:13:23 - Oh, yeah, good idea.
01:13:28 I had a really good time
01:13:30 Me too.
01:13:32 Yeah.
01:13:42 - My floor.
01:13:44 - See you tomorrow.
01:13:46 Eight o'clock.
01:13:48 - Good night.
01:13:52 - Good night.
01:13:58 - A lot of fun. Yeah.
01:14:16 I guess, uh,
01:14:17 I guess I should go, huh?
01:14:20 Yeah.
01:14:22 Good night.
01:14:47 What the hell was that?
01:14:50 Why do I wanna do it again?
01:15:06 - Miss me?
01:15:08 You were expecting
01:15:09 No.
01:15:11 - Mm.
01:15:12 Since you couldn't
01:15:14 I decided to come to you.
01:15:16 Oh. How did you
01:15:19 Uh, Joy told me.
01:15:20 I just started
01:15:21 all the stuff we were
01:15:24 - Come here.
01:15:28 - A little champagne?
01:15:29 Great.
01:15:31 - So happy to be here.
01:15:34 What's wrong?
01:15:36 Nothing.
01:15:39 You told me you were
01:15:40 Yes, I did.
01:15:42 Have a little something else
01:15:44 You are going to love it.
01:15:48 - Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha!
01:15:49 Let me tell you,
01:15:52 Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
01:15:55 - I'll get you a towel.
01:16:08 Abby, I...
01:16:13 Abby, I really,
01:16:16 and not just tonight.
01:16:18 Fuck!
01:16:20 Fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:16:22 Man up, Chadway.
01:16:33 Hey, hey.
01:16:37 - How you doing, man?
01:16:39 Hey. Good to see you.
01:16:42 I just came by to tell
01:16:45 in our flight time,
01:16:47 but I can come by later.
01:16:50 Hi.
01:16:52 Hey.
01:16:53 What are you doing here?
01:16:55 Uh, flight's changed.
01:16:57 Eight o'clock in the morning.
01:17:01 I... I told you that already?
01:17:04 Uh, I'm so...
01:17:08 Okay, I'll just leave now.
01:17:20 Mike. Mike.
01:17:21 Hey, wait.
01:17:25 He came to surprise me. I...
01:17:27 Hey, how convenient.
01:17:30 No, I...
01:17:31 I thought it was you
01:17:34 Well, I guess we're all
01:17:38 I taught you well.
01:17:40 Hey, maybe you could
01:17:51 Tell me what happened
01:17:54 Should I tell Colin to go?
01:17:58 No.
01:18:00 No, why pull up anchor now?
01:18:03 I mean, you worked damn hard
01:18:08 And that's it?
01:18:13 What do you want me to say?
01:18:17 The truth is ugly, isn't it?
01:18:20 That's what I've been
01:18:22 Hm.
01:18:27 I'll see you.
01:18:56 Sorry about that.
01:18:57 No. Honestly, no worries.
01:19:00 Just come here.
01:19:03 Listen, the rest
01:19:07 To the first of many
01:19:14 Whoa. Uh...
01:19:16 Okay.
01:19:20 Mm. Yeah.
01:19:22 Colin, why do you like me?
01:19:27 Oh, heh.
01:19:29 Wow. Uh...
01:19:31 You're beautiful.
01:19:33 You're smart.
01:19:35 You, uh...
01:19:37 You never criticize.
01:19:39 You know what? You never
01:19:41 And I've gotta say,
01:19:44 because I know so many women
01:19:48 and it's a nightmare.
01:19:49 And I just love that
01:19:51 But I am.
01:19:52 I am just like that.
01:19:54 Wait, what do you mean?
01:19:57 Well, this should be chilled.
01:19:59 And you know that.
01:20:01 And, uh,
01:20:04 I was editing that speech
01:20:05 the entire time
01:20:07 And the time you fed me caviar,
01:20:10 I was in physical pain.
01:20:12 I hate being fed
01:20:15 That's how much
01:20:17 But I couldn't show you
01:20:21 who would love
01:20:23 No one.
01:20:30 Um...
01:20:42 I'm so sorry.
01:20:45 You are a great guy,
01:20:48 Which is why I have to tell you
01:20:53 Not for one second of the time
01:20:56 Then who have you been?
01:21:01 The girl some idiot
01:21:30 Morning, Freddy.
01:21:34 What did you do to him?
01:21:36 I didn't do anything.
01:21:37 He missed the flight
01:21:39 He quit this morning.
01:21:41 I just got a smug call
01:21:43 saying they'd closed
01:21:45 Corporate's having a shit fit.
01:21:48 He quit to go to one
01:21:52 We don't need Mike Chadway.
01:21:54 Halfwit troglodytes
01:21:56 You'd better be right.
01:21:58 Because you gotta find me
01:21:59 by the end of the week
01:22:01 I'll find one
01:22:04 Not really. I'm just...
01:22:07 I can't believe I allowed myself
01:22:10 Well, you felt enough something
01:22:12 I'm sorry.
01:22:14 Okay, here are the
01:22:16 Yes, no, yes, no, no,
01:22:18 fuck no.
01:22:20 So, what do you think
01:22:23 I love it.
01:22:25 KSXP retained the copyright
01:22:29 so we retitled you:
01:22:34 Love it.
01:22:35 And this is Joe,
01:22:38 Hi.
01:22:41 You know what I like
01:22:43 Is I don't wanna
01:22:46 I'm relieved
01:22:51 ¶ Givin' myself to you is like
01:22:55 ¶ You keep cuttin' me open
01:22:57 ¶ Is that the only thing
01:23:01 ¶ Givin' myself to you is like
01:23:05 ¶ You keep cuttin' me open
01:23:08 ¶ Is that the only thing
01:23:17 How's my face?
01:23:20 Which side is better?
01:23:24 They're all great.
01:23:26 Can we go over your intro
01:23:28 "I'm Jack Magnum,
01:23:31 The Ugly Truth.
01:23:35 Okay. Let's, uh,
01:23:39 What? Gun's my signature move.
01:23:41 Unless the NRA is paying
01:23:43 I say lose
01:23:45 All right, we're live
01:23:49 Two, one.
01:23:51 Think this guy's any good?
01:23:52 He better be.
01:23:54 I'm Jack Magnum,
01:23:59 Peace.
01:24:01 Oh, Jesus.
01:24:02 Okay, so we'll do a couple
01:24:05 about how often
01:24:07 in-flight,
01:24:08 Got it.
01:24:11 Check it out.
01:24:12 GEORGIA:... Jack Magnum.
01:24:14 How's it going out there?
01:24:17 Most of you
01:24:19 so you can learn how
01:24:20 Well, let me assure you,
01:24:24 You're looking at a guy
01:24:26 who personally has had sex
01:24:30 Most of them conscious.
01:24:34 This is beautiful.
01:24:36 Now, we're here
01:24:37 and I'm supposed
01:24:39 how men are full of hot air.
01:24:41 But I think we all know,
01:24:42 it's the ladies
01:24:44 Just because she says no,
01:24:48 If that were the case,
01:24:50 I'd have only 90 women...
01:24:54 Okay. All right.
01:24:55 What the hell?
01:24:56 Did she...? Oh.
01:24:58 - Uh...
01:24:59 It looks like we're experiencing
01:25:03 Yeah, when you have
01:25:06 Okay, I got it.
01:25:08 Unh. Hi.
01:25:10 - Uh...
01:25:11 I'm sorry,
01:25:13 but Jack Magnum will no longer
01:25:17 Which should really
01:25:20 because men
01:25:23 What is she doing?
01:25:26 Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes,
01:25:29 Take Mike Chadway,
01:25:31 He up and quit the show
01:25:34 You think you know what men
01:25:36 you think you know
01:25:38 But when it comes right down
01:25:40 where they actually need
01:25:42 and, I don't know,
01:25:44 they chicken out.
01:25:46 Oh. I am all over this.
01:25:48 Where're you going?
01:25:51 It's going great, isn't it?
01:25:52 The big, strong, brave men
01:25:55 that we've all been
01:25:56 in novels and watching in movies
01:25:59 that's a fallacy.
01:26:01 Men are not strong.
01:26:05 Men are afraid.
01:26:07 It's all part of the show.
01:26:08 Sort of an Andy Kaufman
01:26:10 Even if they have a moment
01:26:17 and it's totally romantic
01:26:20 men are incapable
01:26:23 Because why?
01:26:26 Men are weak.
01:26:27 Let me tell you something
01:26:31 Oh. Hey.
01:26:32 Woman would have us believe
01:26:36 That we break
01:26:38 I thought he quit.
01:26:40 See, Bob?
01:26:42 They say they want true love,
01:26:44 but all they want
01:26:46 Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
01:26:50 For you men who fit
01:26:52 don't kid yourselves,
01:26:55 They're sleeping with
01:26:58 set of venal choices.
01:27:00 Money over substance,
01:27:03 Polish over principles.
01:27:05 No gesture,
01:27:08 will ever compensate
01:27:10 for a really impressive list
01:27:12 This coming from a man
01:27:15 other than this one.
01:27:16 Oh, so the elevator
01:27:18 The elevator
01:27:20 followed by a moment of panic
01:27:24 - Panic? I came by your room.
01:27:27 and then you ran away.
01:27:28 That wasn't panic,
01:27:30 That was
01:27:32 with the walking checklist
01:27:35 You should be thanking me.
01:27:36 Uh, we got 10 seconds.
01:27:38 Are we ready to soar
01:27:41 Well, there you have it, folks.
01:27:44 A girl in heat for two guys
01:27:46 will always choose the one
01:27:48 That is bullsh...
01:27:51 And we're out.
01:27:54 God. I hate you so much,
01:27:57 No, you hate yourself
01:28:00 - Off we go.
01:28:02 I'm not going anywhere
01:28:04 Whoa.
01:28:06 Oh. Well, that's a shocker,
01:28:09 I wouldn't recommend that.
01:28:10 Keep rolling
01:28:15 What're you doing?
01:28:23 They don't even know
01:28:26 Uh-uh.
01:28:27 Is there any way to tell them
01:28:29 Nope.
01:28:30 Oh, they're gonna curse.
01:28:45 So who
01:28:49 Oh, I know.
01:28:51 Why don't we pass the time
01:28:54 how much fun you and Colin had
01:28:57 I broke up with Colin
01:28:59 On our left, you'll see
01:29:02 What?
01:29:03 Oh, yeah.
01:29:05 Well, if you think we're gonna
01:29:07 you're out of your mind.
01:29:10 Oh, come on.
01:29:12 And to our right here, you'll
01:29:16 winding its way through
01:29:18 Could you please stop talking?
01:29:20 You're right. I had a momentary
01:29:23 when I thought you were more
01:29:25 Clearly.
01:29:26 Oh, yeah?
01:29:28 "I'm Mike Chadway.
01:29:30 I like to fuck like a monkey.
01:29:34 Oh, for God's sakes,
01:29:38 Yeah, it is scary.
01:29:40 Especially when I'm in love
01:29:43 I am not a psycho.
01:29:45 Love?
01:29:47 Oh!
01:29:48 I just told you
01:29:49 and all you heard was "psycho".
01:29:51 You're the definition
01:29:53 No.
01:29:54 is a person who suffers from
01:29:57 compulsive acts
01:29:59 without any objective
01:30:01 Shut up.
01:30:02 Yet again, I just told
01:30:05 and you're standing here
01:30:19 You're in love with me.
01:30:22 Why?
01:30:26 Beats the shit outta me,
01:30:29 but I am.
01:30:58 Oh! Oh, Mike.
01:31:01 - You're amazing.
01:31:03 Oh, you're a god. Oh!
01:31:06 - Really?
01:31:19 Am I really that good?
01:31:20 Or are you...?
01:31:22 Are you just faking it?
01:31:26 You'll never know.
01:31:31 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:31:34 ¶ When you go down
01:31:38 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:31:42 ¶ When you go down
01:31:46 ¶ Walked out of the house
01:31:48 ¶ Hop in there with dough
01:31:50 ¶ People to see
01:31:51 ¶ I look at my cotty
01:31:54 ¶ Just like my mind
01:31:55 ¶ No women, no shorties
01:31:57 ¶ No stoppin' now
01:31:59 ¶ I like my jewelry
01:32:01 ¶ I know the storm is comin' ¶
01:32:03 ¶ My pockets keep tellin' me
01:32:05 ¶ Call up my homies
01:32:07 ¶ Then pop in the next
01:32:09 ¶ We keep a fade-away shot
01:32:11 ¶ It's platinum patron
01:32:13 ¶ I owe you just
01:32:15 ¶ Girl, you the drink with
01:32:17 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:32:21 ¶ When you go down
01:32:24 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:32:28 ¶ When you go down
01:32:32 ¶ From the top of the pole
01:32:34 ¶ She got me throwin'
01:32:36 ¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
01:32:38 ¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
01:32:39 ¶ From the top of the pole
01:32:41 ¶ She got me throwin'
01:32:43 ¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
01:32:46 ¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
01:32:47 ¶ Hey, shorty must know
01:32:49 ¶ My money love her
01:32:51 ¶ Don't look at my mouth
01:32:54 ¶ My Benjamin Franklins
01:32:56 ¶ I got rubber bands
01:32:59 ¶ Get dirty all night
01:33:00 ¶ Keep building castles
01:33:02 ¶ She's amazing, fire blazing
01:33:05 ¶ Girl, won't you move
01:33:07 ¶ Time to get paid
01:33:09 ¶ That body belong on a poster
01:33:12 ¶ That bottom is wavin' at me
01:33:14 ¶ You wanna shoot like a gun
01:33:16 ¶ Tell me whatever
01:33:19 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:33:22 ¶ When you go down
01:33:26 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:33:30 ¶ When you go down
01:33:33 ¶ From the top of the pole
01:33:35 ¶ She got me throwin'
01:33:37 ¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
01:33:39 ¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
01:33:41 ¶ From the top of the pole
01:33:43 ¶ She got me throwin'
01:33:45 ¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
01:33:47 ¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
01:33:49 ¶ Yeah, I'm spending my money ¶
01:33:51 ¶ I'm out of control ¶
01:33:53 ¶ Somebody help me ¶
01:33:55 ¶ She's taking my bank roll ¶
01:33:57 ¶ But I'm king of the club ¶
01:33:59 ¶ And I'm wearin' the crown
01:34:01 ¶ Touchin' these models
01:34:03 ¶ Go down, down ¶
01:34:05 ¶ Down, go, go, down ¶
01:34:09 ¶ Down, go, go ¶
01:34:12 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:34:16 ¶ When you go down
01:34:20 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:34:24 ¶ When you go down
01:34:27 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:34:31 ¶ When you go down
01:34:35 ¶ You spin my head right round
01:34:39 ¶ When you go down