Ugly Truth The

en
00:01:10 Are you alert?
00:01:11 Okay, well tell them...
00:01:17 No.
00:01:23 I'll be there in about 15 minutes,
00:01:26 Okay, thanks. Bye.
00:01:37 - Morning, Freddy.
00:01:39 - You look awfully pretty today.
00:01:42 - Good morning. We got problems.
00:01:44 There are no problems, Joy,
00:01:46 The traffic camera is down and we have
00:01:50 - That is a problem.
00:01:51 Call Matt at Media Lab.
00:01:54 - Where are all my weathermen?
00:01:56 - Hey.
00:01:57 Thank you all for coming.
00:02:00 Thanks for being here. Good.
00:02:01 Is there a reason
00:02:03 If they get the forecast wrong...
00:02:05 ...research shows people
00:02:08 I hate to do this.
00:02:11 It's bad enough
00:02:14 - A man can only endure so much.
00:02:18 ...you are a newsman.
00:02:20 Newsmen are not defined
00:02:22 ...they're defined by the hard times.
00:02:24 Can you imagine
00:02:27 ...working with their
00:02:29 Because they couldn't handle it.
00:02:31 But you. You, my friend,
00:02:35 - Don't think I haven't noticed.
00:02:39 But you're right.
00:02:41 But not disproportionately so. I think
00:02:45 Yeah, I think I made my point.
00:02:47 Are you kidding me right now?
00:02:49 ...gives a crap about the extinction rate
00:02:53 Knowing which celebutante
00:02:56 - Your voice makes my hair...
00:02:59 - He knows I can't eat crab.
00:03:01 - Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
00:03:05 - Is that a hive?
00:03:07 You wouldn't even know what syphilis
00:03:14 - Stand by to go to three.
00:03:17 Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic.
00:03:19 - Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
00:03:21 And whatever amount
00:03:23 - Really?
00:03:25 - Oh, you can.
00:03:27 - Do it every night.
00:03:30 - Oh, excellent. Thank you.
00:03:34 - That good?
00:03:36 ...this is the best chicken cacciatore
00:03:39 I knew you'd like it.
00:03:42 - Oh, no.
00:03:45 And it's a great alternative
00:03:47 It kind of tastes
00:03:49 Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
00:03:51 - Get ready to roll to break.
00:03:53 - Whoa, duck.
00:03:54 Man, we're a chicken household.
00:03:56 - We are.
00:03:59 ...while she pulls it together.
00:04:02 - It's good.
00:04:06 Can I take home the leftovers?
00:04:08 - You sure you don't want any leftovers?
00:04:11 ...our live Skycam traffic update.
00:04:14 And guess who's in rehab this week.
00:04:16 - Stand by to roll break.
00:04:19 ... your very own slug worm,
00:04:21 - Roll your break.
00:04:27 I don't know how you do it.
00:04:29 It's just a matter of looking chaos
00:04:32 You guys did great. Thank you.
00:04:34 I think it's time for a new chef
00:04:37 Now, come on.
00:04:39 - Abby?
00:04:40 Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
00:04:43 Oh, he got the ratings.
00:04:47 - Want some?
00:04:54 Have you seen the ratings
00:04:56 We got beat by all the network shows,
00:05:00 The one where the vacuum breaks.
00:05:02 It's just a temporary setback.
00:05:05 You know that guy
00:05:08 ...on Channel 83 does better.
00:05:11 If we program
00:05:13 ...we'd do a nine-share
00:05:16 Please don't tell me
00:05:19 We're not a family-run station
00:05:22 I mean, I love you.
00:05:24 But you gotta get me some numbers.
00:05:26 I got two daughters in college
00:05:29 I don't know how much you know about
00:05:34 I can rally. I will rally.
00:05:37 You do rally. Every day, Abby.
00:05:40 But that's what worries me.
00:05:42 That even you won't be enough.
00:05:44 I should not be letting
00:05:47 ...dictate the content of this show.
00:05:49 I control it.
00:05:52 Stay home,
00:05:54 Absolutely not, Abby.
00:05:57 You should be out there
00:05:59 - Humanity is who watches our show.
00:06:04 You have rescheduled
00:06:06 You cancel on him tonight
00:06:08 Look at this bone structure.
00:06:11 This could be the bone structure
00:06:14 Don't you want them
00:06:15 You printed his profile?
00:06:17 What? Yes. These have not
00:06:19 I have to live vicariously
00:06:22 I really think that this
00:06:26 - Hi.
00:06:28 I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown
00:06:32 He's 5'9". Which I know
00:06:35 ...but he's read The Great Gatsby...
00:06:38 ...but I could read The Great Gatsby
00:06:44 Hi. Can I get some water
00:06:46 Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?
00:06:48 - Sure.
00:06:49 Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you
00:06:53 ...tap water and bottled water
00:06:56 They passed a law where restaurants
00:06:59 ...so it's filtered water,
00:07:02 ...except you don't have to pay
00:07:05 I like the way it tastes better.
00:07:09 - Thank you.
00:07:13 I thought...
00:07:14 I thought in your profile it said you...
00:07:21 - You printed out my profile?
00:07:24 She doesn't like me to not be prepared.
00:07:27 Kudos, by the way, on your
00:07:30 - That wasn't in my profile.
00:07:35 So tell me about yourself.
00:07:39 Well, what's left to talk about
00:07:42 Good point.
00:07:45 All right, well, you know...
00:07:47 ...I actually took the liberty
00:07:52 ...in case this happened.
00:07:53 - I take it this has happened before?
00:07:56 But you have nine out of 10 of the
00:08:00 Oh, dear God. Okay.
00:08:02 Oh, this is a good one.
00:08:24 Don't ask.
00:08:35 More on this when we come back.
00:08:37 We'll hear from a zoo official
00:08:40 And we're back with The Ugly Truth,
00:08:44 ... what it is men and women
00:08:47 I've been looking through some books.
00:08:52 Men Who Love Women
00:08:55 And Women Hating Men Who
00:09:02 Billions and billions wasted
00:09:06 Now, listen up, ladies, because
00:09:09 ...and it is just three little words:
00:09:13 Men are simple.
00:09:17 We cannot be trained.
00:09:18 All this, "men are from Venus" crap
00:09:24 You wanna be a lonely hag,
00:09:26 ... keep reading these stupid books.
00:09:28 But you want a relationship,
00:09:33 It's called a Stairmaster.
00:09:35 Get on it, and get skinny...
00:09:37 ... and get some trashy lingerie
00:09:40 ...because at the end of the day,
00:09:43 And no one falls in love
00:09:46 We fall in love with your tits
00:09:49 ...and we stick around because of
00:09:53 So you wanna win a man over,
00:09:57 ...you need one,
00:10:00 And don't forget to...
00:10:06 Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.
00:10:09 How dare you burn those books.
00:10:11 They've helped my personal life
00:10:13 What's your boyfriend's name,
00:10:15 Well, I'm not seeing anyone
00:10:17 My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
00:10:20 You're on the air.
00:10:22 So you're saying that men
00:10:26 Oh, did I burst your little
00:10:29 What? Come on.
00:10:30 The only thing you burst
00:10:32 Men are completely capable
00:10:35 Okay, I'll bite. Go on.
00:10:37 - What?
00:10:40 The one who's so capable of love.
00:10:43 He's smart, he's handsome
00:10:47 He's successful, but in a job
00:10:51 He loves red wine, picnics,
00:10:55 This is a guy in America, right?
00:10:57 I mean, you're not calling
00:11:00 He loves dogs,
00:11:02 He never gets up before you
00:11:05 Wait a second, I get it.
00:11:07 You're a lesbian.
00:11:08 - What?
00:11:10 I mean, you just described
00:11:12 Why are you so threatened
00:11:15 Is it perhaps because you don't
00:11:18 ...and that is the real reason
00:11:22 Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks
00:11:25 ... to go get this guy and bring him
00:11:28 Well, he's out there, somewhere.
00:11:32 Wait a second.
00:11:33 You're not even dating this guy?
00:11:36 No, I'm describing a type.
00:11:39 I thought that's what we were doing.
00:11:42 What? You don't even know him?
00:11:45 Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
00:11:47 Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
00:11:50 - What?
00:11:52 Come on, you heard me.
00:11:55 If you were hot, you would be out
00:11:59 ... instead of spending all your time
00:12:03 Face it...
00:12:05 ... you're ugly.
00:12:07 I am not ugly.
00:12:08 Well, okay, let me help you out here.
00:12:12 You might as well face the fact
00:12:15 ... and stop pining away for some
00:12:18 - How can you possibly...?
00:12:21 The show's called The Ugly Truth.
00:12:25 That wraps it up for this evening.
00:12:27 I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
00:12:31 How'd the date go?
00:12:32 Well, I was very pleased
00:12:35 - That is so awesome.
00:12:38 Good morning, everyone.
00:12:39 - Morning.
00:12:40 Now, before I play you this,
00:12:43 ...this guy's a little rough
00:12:46 - Face it, you're ugly.
00:12:51 - Well...
00:12:53 Say hello
00:12:55 I'm starting him at two segments
00:12:58 - Are you kidding me?
00:13:01 - Name's Mike Chadway.
00:13:04 ...who represents everything wrong
00:13:07 I get crap every time I suggest
00:13:10 Oh, come on.
00:13:13 We don't have to like it.
00:13:15 We're objective.
00:13:18 Doesn't mean he likes them,
00:13:21 I have a list of ideas
00:13:23 - You'll like it. We don't need him.
00:13:26 - "An intimate profile of the mayor."
00:13:29 - I like the mayor.
00:13:30 - The mayor?
00:13:33 Unless you can get him to bang
00:13:36 ...and a German shepherd on live TV,
00:13:42 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:13:46 What did I tell you?
00:13:48 Oh, thanks, boss.
00:13:50 You already hired him?
00:13:52 Who's this delightful creature?
00:13:56 I'm your producer.
00:13:58 Hey.
00:14:00 I like a woman on top.
00:14:04 God.
00:14:06 - Nice office.
00:14:08 Oh, yeah.
00:14:09 - Excuse me.
00:14:11 - No, I didn't.
00:14:13 - Beautiful.
00:14:15 Were you all not there last year
00:14:19 - Were you not there, Larry?
00:14:21 He wasn't sexually harassing me.
00:14:25 I am an award-winning news producer.
00:14:28 I am an award-winning news producer.
00:14:32 You're an award-winning
00:14:34 - You don't knock?
00:14:37 So essentially, your knock was negated
00:14:41 ...to the social etiquette
00:14:45 You're wound like a fucking top.
00:14:47 Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
00:14:51 Last night,
00:14:53 Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
00:14:57 You're not ugly at all.
00:14:58 Oh, well, imagine my relief.
00:15:01 I want to thank you
00:15:03 I would never have gotten it
00:15:05 You and I, we make good TV.
00:15:08 You make imbecilic trash...
00:15:09 ...watched by housebound inbreds
00:15:12 ...with their hands down their pants,
00:15:15 I hadn't been picturing you that way,
00:15:19 I do not watch your program.
00:15:20 My cat stepped on the remote.
00:15:24 Oh, you want to
00:15:30 Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
00:15:33 I want Mike Chadway
00:15:35 I want Mike Chadway to be nothing
00:15:38 I want the janitor to come vacuum up
00:15:42 ...and when he dumps it outside,
00:15:46 ...on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
00:15:49 And I thought
00:15:53 No, Larry,
00:15:57 - Chadway?
00:15:58 Twenty seconds to air.
00:16:00 About ready? Larry?
00:16:01 - There's a bird in my dressing room.
00:16:04 - A real bird?
00:16:06 - A sparrow?
00:16:07 - I don't know what type of bird it is.
00:16:10 You guys have really got to keep
00:16:13 Four, three...
00:16:16 Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman.
00:16:20 And I'm here with
00:16:22 - Go, 1.
00:16:24 Thank you, Larry.
00:16:25 - I'm Georgia Bordeney.
00:16:28 For years, there have been concerns
00:16:32 But many believe that this man
00:16:36 ...have brought things to a new low.
00:16:38 With that,
00:16:41 How you doing, guys?
00:16:42 Mike, how do you respond to people
00:16:46 Well, it is.
00:16:49 The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
00:16:52 What relationships are really like.
00:16:55 Take marriage, for instance.
00:16:56 It's about social pressure,
00:17:02 If it weren't for these three things,
00:17:06 Oh, dear. Sounds to me
00:17:09 ...and you're taking that out
00:17:14 Good one.
00:17:15 - It's like Crossfire.
00:17:17 While we're making
00:17:19 ...you two project this image of the
00:17:25 Excuse me?
00:17:27 - Holy shit.
00:17:29 - No.
00:17:31 What? When? This is my show.
00:17:34 - Not right now, it isn't.
00:17:37 Come on, Larry.
00:17:40 You used to be this cool,
00:17:43 What the hell happened to you?
00:17:45 And you, Georgia.
00:17:49 The only way she was getting
00:17:51 ...was by hooking up with you.
00:17:53 Then, lo and behold, she became
00:17:56 Ended up with twice your salary.
00:17:58 - Camera 2, two-shot.
00:18:01 Hold on, pal.
00:18:04 Baloney, you are.
00:18:07 You feel emasculated by her.
00:18:08 And that screws with your head.
00:18:12 Which, in turn,
00:18:15 What's your point?
00:18:16 - Yes, Georgia, take control.
00:18:20 My point is that your husband...
00:18:23 ...hasn't had sex with you in...
00:18:25 ...I'm gonna say,
00:18:27 - Chadway, that is not my fault.
00:18:31 - I mean, come on.
00:18:34 Why is it my fault?
00:18:36 Say no to the money
00:18:39 She just said "erection"
00:18:41 - Other networks do it.
00:18:43 They say "erection"
00:18:45 - I agree.
00:18:47 You've economically emasculated
00:18:50 ...to such a point
00:18:53 I mean, sure,
00:18:55 ...but, honey, have you seen the
00:19:01 It's slim pickings for a woman
00:19:04 Forties?
00:19:05 - Oh, God.
00:19:08 He just talked about her age.
00:19:10 - She's gonna kill me.
00:19:12 - Forty?
00:19:14 ...any better than Larry.
00:19:16 You just have to let him be a man.
00:19:19 - Let him be a man, Georgia.
00:19:22 - You have to let me be a man.
00:19:24 - Let him be a man.
00:19:26 Simple as that. Now, you,
00:19:29 - Oh, God.
00:19:32 - I'm not frowny.
00:19:34 Move in here and give
00:19:37 - God. This is ridiculous.
00:19:39 - That mean what I think it means?
00:19:41 - No. They're not gonna...
00:19:44 - And in front of them.
00:19:46 Goddamn it, Georgia,
00:19:49 - No!
00:19:52 America doesn't want to see this.
00:19:54 And that, my friends,
00:19:57 Get ready to roll to break.
00:20:00 Oh, you are a man.
00:20:03 Cut to commercial!
00:20:05 - Cut to commercial!
00:20:08 I told you that guy was great.
00:20:10 Good job, everybody.
00:20:14 Abby?
00:20:18 Found her.
00:20:19 One-thousand,
00:20:22 ...over 300 e-mails,
00:20:25 This guy's a lightning rod.
00:20:28 They liked him?
00:20:30 Liked him? They loved him.
00:20:33 - How is that possible?
00:20:35 But I am scaling back the news
00:20:39 Stuart, I really think this is a mistake.
00:20:43 - Who is he, really?
00:20:47 ...pitched two consecutive
00:20:50 "Most Likely to Get Slapped"
00:20:53 Three years San José State. Salesman
00:20:56 Once arrested for urinating out of a
00:21:01 - Tell me about it.
00:21:03 Look, let's just keep a smile
00:21:06 ...and we'll both get
00:21:11 Congratulations?
00:21:28 Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
00:21:31 ... and you know what happens
00:21:38 It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you
00:21:44 - I can't stop thinking about your huge...
00:21:48 - Who's that?
00:21:52 - Dripping wet...
00:21:56 How was school?
00:21:59 - Well, you totally hosed me.
00:22:02 Last week on your show, you said,
00:22:05 ...because they'll want you more."
00:22:08 She cried, and then I got detention.
00:22:11 First of all,
00:22:14 Second of all, you're supposed
00:22:18 ...who think they're hot
00:22:21 ...not 14-year-old girls.
00:22:23 They're going through puberty.
00:22:25 They got enough problems.
00:22:27 Mom said when she was 14,
00:22:31 Well, I was there when she was 14,
00:22:35 Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
00:22:37 He was blind from touching himself
00:22:41 That's a nice thing to tell your son.
00:22:43 Like he hasn't heard worse
00:22:46 Let's hope you can clean it up
00:22:49 Congrats.
00:23:06 D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
00:23:09 No, D'Artagnan, you get back here.
00:23:12 No, do not... No, no, no.
00:23:17 D'Artagnan.
00:23:20 D'Artagnan.
00:23:22 Shit.
00:23:26 All right.
00:23:27 I'll just come up.
00:23:31 I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan.
00:23:35 I got you, hold on.
00:23:37 Hold on. Come here, baby.
00:23:39 No, no. No, no. Come on.
00:23:42 Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
00:23:45 Okay. You're gonna be okay.
00:23:48 I hope we can get down.
00:23:57 Oh, my.
00:24:04 Oh, my.
00:24:06 My, my.
00:24:12 He flosses.
00:24:21 Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
00:24:23 Somebody help me!
00:24:25 I'm stuck in a tree!
00:24:28 Help me! Anybody!
00:24:30 - I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
00:24:33 - You're gonna be fine.
00:24:37 Sorry. Oh, my God.
00:24:40 So you just moved in. That's great.
00:24:43 I'm Abby, by the way.
00:24:44 Your neighbor from across the way.
00:24:47 - So you're a doctor?
00:24:50 Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff,
00:24:55 Your ankle seems to be fine.
00:24:58 Great. Thank you.
00:24:59 I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose
00:25:05 I'm here whenever you need me.
00:25:07 I'm gonna put my home number
00:25:10 If your ankle starts giving you
00:25:13 Great. Thanks.
00:25:18 Oh, wow, that's so weird.
00:25:20 Well, you know,
00:25:28 Yeah.
00:25:32 Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
00:25:35 Yeah.
00:25:37 Yeah.
00:25:41 Yeah.
00:25:45 - Thanks again for saving my life.
00:25:48 - Okay. Bye.
00:25:54 - You forgot your cat.
00:25:57 I had a spider on me.
00:25:58 - Yeah.
00:26:00 - Bye.
00:26:02 - Thanks again.
00:26:06 You are not gonna believe
00:26:09 - Symmetrical?
00:26:11 - Oh, good Lord.
00:26:12 How did you leave it?
00:26:14 No, but he gave me his.
00:26:17 - If I call do call him, what should I say?
00:26:20 - And please, sweetheart, no tap water.
00:26:23 - Don't bring it up.
00:26:25 - Anyone ever tell you that?
00:26:28 - Hold that thought.
00:26:32 Down a bit. Down a bit.
00:26:35 Okay.
00:26:38 Bye, Karen.
00:26:42 Keep it clean, moving,
00:26:44 You are on a live
00:26:47 You do not have the luxury of using
00:26:50 If you say anything scatological,
00:26:53 - Oh, really?
00:26:55 I thought that you were the one
00:26:58 ...if you don't keep me happy.
00:27:00 Yes. I've got a list of demands that
00:27:04 ...and let me just warn you,
00:27:13 Just because you look pretty today...
00:27:15 ...I won't mention the misguided
00:27:19 When you hear my voice,
00:27:21 Promise you'll talk dirty?
00:27:24 Good morning, Sacramento.
00:27:26 And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
00:27:28 And I'm Mike Chadway.
00:27:29 And this is The Ugly Truth.
00:27:32 Where we'll be taking
00:27:34 ...to talk about men,
00:27:39 Let's start with men.
00:27:41 Men are simple.
00:27:42 To illustrate my point, here we have
00:27:47 We have candlelight, champagne,
00:27:51 ... your own personal violinist.
00:27:54 Now...
00:27:56 ... over here,
00:27:58 - This isn't on my list.
00:28:00 Is the segment over?
00:28:02 Where the hell's he going?
00:28:05 - Follow him. Follow him.
00:28:08 - Hey.
00:28:12 - Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
00:28:16 - People calling and freaking out.
00:28:19 - Sit down!
00:28:21 Let's take a quick survey and see which
00:28:25 We have classical music
00:28:28 ...or semi-naked chicks wrestling
00:28:37 Oh, shit.
00:28:39 All right. If we're gonna do this,
00:28:44 Two, get ready to go wide.
00:28:47 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
00:28:50 Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
00:28:53 Just do it.
00:29:03 I was wrong. It's cherry.
00:29:07 Back to you in the studio,
00:29:12 Coming up,
00:29:14 ...and see how
00:29:16 Can she clear that 10-foot pole...
00:29:18 ...with a ball on her nose?
00:29:21 When we come back.
00:29:27 Chemistry. I smell threesome.
00:29:33 Great job, ladies.
00:29:37 You know what I mean.
00:29:41 Do you realize that I once had...
00:29:43 ...the Archbishop Desmond Tutu
00:29:46 - Who's that?
00:29:49 You're not smart enough
00:29:51 Hey, wait. I thought
00:29:54 You told me to lick the Jell-O.
00:29:56 Do you understand
00:29:58 It was cheap titillation.
00:30:02 ...right behind
00:30:06 Seriously?
00:30:08 There's a naked weathergirl?
00:30:10 Hey, can we get her?
00:30:12 You have to do it
00:30:14 Think of my son. My son, who had
00:30:19 Think about him. Think about Joy.
00:30:21 Just do it for me.
00:30:23 Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud
00:30:27 Low pressure systems are moving up,
00:30:36 Watch Mike Chadway
00:30:39 ... giving us The Ugly Truth
00:30:42 - ... at 9:00, right here on Channel 2.
00:30:50 I used to like caviar, until I found out
00:30:54 - You know that?
00:30:56 - I almost started to gag.
00:30:58 - John.
00:31:00 Thanks, John.
00:31:05 Guess I should be happy
00:31:07 Yeah. Yeah. You've never
00:31:11 I feel dirty.
00:31:14 - Did you hear about the ratings?
00:31:17 Then did you hear
00:31:20 ...to take me out to dinner?
00:31:21 Well, let's hope you can chew
00:31:25 Why do you hate my guts?
00:31:27 Your innards are of no consequence
00:31:30 Oh, you hate the truth.
00:31:32 Your skewed perception of male-female
00:31:35 But your imaginary boyfriend's
00:31:39 For your information,
00:31:42 Well, I hope he's real this time,
00:31:45 Oh, he's real. He's very real.
00:31:48 Not to mention stunningly handsome,
00:31:52 An orthopedic surgeon.
00:31:54 - You know what that means.
00:31:56 Had to stick his finger up
00:31:59 You disgust me.
00:32:04 - So did Butt Boy ask you out?
00:32:09 We're taking things slow,
00:32:12 Why am I talking to you about this?
00:32:14 In other words,
00:32:23 What are you doing?
00:32:29 Doctor's office.
00:32:30 Hi. This is Abby Richter
00:32:33 - Please hold.
00:32:35 What are you doing?
00:32:37 - Dr. Anderson.
00:32:41 Your neighbor from last night.
00:32:45 Hey. Everything okay?
00:32:47 How's the ankle treating you?
00:32:50 Couldn't be better.
00:32:52 I was just calling to let you know how
00:32:58 Thanks.
00:33:01 And I was thinking we should
00:33:05 There is a new
00:33:08 ...and an art opening
00:33:11 So I was thinking
00:33:15 Friday...
00:33:18 - Would Saturday be better?
00:33:21 ...Abby, the thing is,
00:33:27 - What are you doing?
00:33:30 He wasn't blowing me off!
00:33:31 Don't. Okay, he'll be
00:33:34 And when you don't, he'll call back.
00:33:37 - How do you know?
00:33:39 If you want it to work out with this guy,
00:33:43 ...and you'll do exactly as I say.
00:33:46 ...with your psycho-aggressive
00:33:49 It might even be too late.
00:33:51 And if you do salvage the situation,
00:33:54 ...his desperate neighbor.
00:33:58 Why? Did you think
00:34:01 Listen to you. Desperately asking me
00:34:08 Okay.
00:34:09 Although you won't admit it, you know
00:34:13 It's your call, dude.
00:34:17 - Fine. What do I do?
00:34:20 - Why would I...?
00:34:23 Hey, Doug.
00:34:25 No. This is Colin.
00:34:27 - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
00:34:32 Who's Doug?
00:34:34 - Who's Doug?
00:34:36 It's nothing serious.
00:34:38 Just a guy I'm seeing.
00:34:42 Oh, okay.
00:34:44 - Hang on a second.
00:34:46 Sure.
00:34:49 - Now what?
00:34:51 If he's still holding on after 30 more
00:34:55 No one's gonna wait
00:34:58 - You better be right.
00:35:00 ...I'm gonna make this guy your bitch.
00:35:03 Colin would never be a bitch.
00:35:05 He is a well-rounded man...
00:35:06 ...capable of mature emotions
00:35:10 - Things which you know not of.
00:35:13 But I do know about lust,
00:35:16 Things that you know not of.
00:35:19 Abby, I'll make you a deal.
00:35:21 If you do exactly as I say,
00:35:24 ...then you'll quit giving me shit
00:35:27 You know as well as I do
00:35:30 And if it doesn't work?
00:35:35 Then I'll quit.
00:35:37 You're really that confident?
00:35:45 It's been more than 30 seconds.
00:35:54 All right, deal. Now what?
00:35:55 Always make an impression.
00:35:58 Let's get a move on.
00:36:00 - But what about the...?
00:36:03 What are you, Nostradamus?
00:36:07 Amazing.
00:36:10 Rule number one: never criticize.
00:36:14 - Even if it's constructive?
00:36:16 Men are incapable of growth,
00:36:19 For men, self-improvement
00:36:24 And rule number two:
00:36:27 - What if what he says isn't funny?
00:36:30 - A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
00:36:33 No, but a fake orgasm
00:36:36 - A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
00:36:39 You're not the only person in the room,
00:36:43 Now, that was perfect.
00:36:46 - Real or fake?
00:36:51 Rule number three:
00:36:55 - We have to change your look.
00:36:58 Abby, you're a very attractive woman,
00:37:03 You're all about
00:37:05 What's wrong with comfort?
00:37:06 Well, nothing,
00:37:10 - Hello. May I be of assistance?
00:37:13 We need cocktail dresses...
00:37:14 ...tight jeans and some bras
00:37:18 ...sit up and say hello.
00:37:21 - What are they saying?
00:37:25 ...rather than an outright greeting.
00:37:28 You know what?
00:37:30 - I think this would be wonderful.
00:37:35 Boobies in this thing say,
00:37:39 I'm actually wearing one
00:37:44 Length is very important.
00:37:46 We need short enough to see some
00:37:52 - Vag says you're trying too hard.
00:37:55 Jeans are all about
00:37:57 You've... Well, you've got
00:37:59 Now all you need is
00:38:02 - Did you just tell me I have a nice ass?
00:38:05 Jesus.
00:38:06 Rule number four:
00:38:09 ...because men don't
00:38:11 - Some men care.
00:38:15 When we ask you how you're doing,
00:38:17 "Let me stick my dick in your ass."
00:38:19 Oh, I know you think Colin is
00:38:23 If he's even remotely into you...
00:38:25 ...he's probably thought about
00:38:28 I love how you assume all men
00:38:31 Oh, I don't assume. I know.
00:38:35 Wait. We need to make
00:38:38 - Why? I have tons of stuff.
00:38:41 Men like something to grab onto
00:38:43 My hair is fine.
00:38:45 Abby, a ponytail implies that you are
00:38:50 ...or emptying the litter box.
00:38:51 Neither of those things
00:38:54 Why is it my responsibility to inspire
00:38:57 Shut up.
00:39:18 Well? What do you think?
00:39:22 - Not bad.
00:39:25 I don't wanna be perceived
00:39:28 And I don't want you to be a bimbo.
00:39:29 You have to be two people:
00:39:33 The librarian and the stripper.
00:39:36 On the one hand, you have to push
00:39:40 ...on the other, you have to be
00:39:46 - Now, we have to teach you flirting.
00:39:49 You know how to flirt?
00:39:50 "Oh, my name's Abby,
00:39:53 I also love cats, gardening,
00:39:57 I don't think so.
00:39:58 Hey, babe,
00:40:00 You know what? I wouldn't say that,
00:40:03 What's wrong
00:40:06 I mean, what's it there for
00:40:08 You're just a set of orifices
00:40:11 And you are a deeply,
00:40:17 Maybe I'm just a really good student.
00:40:20 - Would you stop doing that?
00:40:23 Running your finger down there.
00:40:28 Why? Is it turning you on?
00:40:31 Maybe.
00:40:34 It's weird, I think I kind of like it.
00:40:37 Really?
00:40:39 - Sucker.
00:40:41 Okay, no teaching the teacher.
00:40:44 - Who is it?
00:40:46 I'm not ready for this. Am I ready?
00:40:48 - I'm not ready for this.
00:40:51 Okay. Keep the conversation
00:40:53 - Under a minute? Under a minute.
00:40:56 No, wait, wait, wait.
00:41:00 You're such an asshole.
00:41:04 - Hi.
00:41:06 - Wow, you look great.
00:41:09 Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.
00:41:11 - What happened to you today?
00:41:14 You put me on hold
00:41:16 - Oh, my God. Was that you?
00:41:18 - I'm so sorry.
00:41:22 Would you mind actually
00:41:25 I'm busy.
00:41:27 - Abby, wait.
00:41:31 No, that's good.
00:41:33 Make him suffer. Suffer.
00:41:35 Abby, I was wondering
00:41:37 ...to the Devils game
00:41:46 Go, Comets.
00:41:49 He delivers it.
00:41:56 Okay, I have a visual.
00:42:01 Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
00:42:05 Now, do exactly what I tell you,
00:42:10 - You follow baseball?
00:42:17 You okay?
00:42:19 I'm fine.
00:42:20 That was a little over the top,
00:42:22 - Well, thanks.
00:42:26 Well, thanks for being you.
00:42:31 You're welcome.
00:42:42 Excuse me.
00:42:45 Oh, my God. You're Mike Chadway.
00:42:47 I love you.
00:42:49 - Hey, buddy, what the hell?
00:42:51 - Dude, what the fuck?
00:42:53 No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.
00:42:55 - I'm not talking to you.
00:43:00 No, stop. Listen. Tell him you saw him
00:43:05 I saw you...
00:43:09 - Who?
00:43:11 I was trying to get us
00:43:14 - Two. Thank you.
00:43:17 Okay, we need a quick recovery.
00:43:21 Make sure you put the hot dog
00:43:29 Men like watching penis-shaped food
00:43:36 I'm so sorry.
00:43:37 - Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
00:43:39 You know, I can get this out.
00:43:42 - What fabric is this?
00:43:44 Cotton. Cotton's the worst.
00:43:48 - After that would be suede.
00:43:50 - I think I can get it out.
00:43:52 Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
00:44:03 - Where?
00:44:05 Abby?
00:44:14 Way to go, Abby.
00:44:19 Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
00:44:21 - Can't say today was boring.
00:44:24 - I embarrassed you.
00:44:27 You're just not what I'm used to.
00:44:30 - I know.
00:44:33 I'm used to women
00:44:35 But I can't do that with you.
00:44:38 He's an idiot.
00:44:41 Now, tell him good night
00:44:44 - We're gonna give this one last shot.
00:44:59 That definitely made up
00:45:01 Me too. No, scratch that.
00:45:05 Yeah.
00:45:07 - I'll see you later.
00:45:08 - Okay.
00:45:10 Bye.
00:45:14 - Night.
00:45:25 You did it! You did it! You did it!
00:45:27 - I didn't do anything.
00:45:29 - It was you.
00:45:30 I mean, don't ask me why,
00:45:33 - He's such a great guy, right?
00:45:36 Yeah. And he fits all 10
00:45:39 Though weren't items
00:45:41 ...something to do with him
00:45:45 I'm gonna ignore that,
00:45:48 Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
00:46:03 Of all the primates,
00:46:05 ...are the closest relatives
00:46:07 ...both genetically and socially.
00:46:10 Especially when it comes to sex.
00:46:12 They use sex
00:46:15 One of my favorite
00:46:17 In fact, when they come upon
00:46:19 ...they have a gangbang
00:46:22 - Small person on-set.
00:46:25 - which is something
00:46:27 No, no, no. This is not for children.
00:46:30 It's okay. I know him.
00:46:31 - You do?
00:46:33 - sit on their asses all day
00:46:36 Sounds like a great argument
00:46:39 And that, my friends,
00:46:42 And we're wrapped.
00:46:44 - Great job, Mike.
00:46:48 Yeah, I've got an adult male
00:46:52 I'd like to see that.
00:46:54 Hey. What are you doing here?
00:46:56 I told you no watching the show,
00:47:00 I need some emergency advice.
00:47:02 Tracy McIvor asked me
00:47:04 Is it dorky if I say yes?
00:47:07 Dorky?
00:47:08 Hell, no. Are you kidding?
00:47:11 You're ahead of the game.
00:47:14 You know how cool that is?
00:47:17 Relish this moment, okay?
00:47:19 Now get the hell out of here.
00:47:22 - Okay.
00:47:23 - Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
00:47:28 He lives with you?
00:47:29 Well, next door, with my sister.
00:47:33 He's my nephew.
00:47:36 - Cute kid.
00:47:37 Here, do me.
00:47:41 - Okay. So guess what.
00:47:43 Colin called,
00:47:48 Oh, Lord.
00:47:49 So how long should I wait
00:47:53 Well, the more you
00:47:55 ...the more you're gonna
00:47:58 So do everything else but.
00:48:01 But then show him...
00:48:04 ...that beneath
00:48:08 ...that there's a sexual deviant
00:48:11 No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
00:48:15 Good point.
00:48:16 I'm guessing you've been
00:48:19 No.
00:48:21 - Eleven months.
00:48:24 Eleven months.
00:48:28 So how often do you?
00:48:30 Do I what?
00:48:32 - Do I what?
00:48:36 ...flick the bean?
00:48:38 Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
00:48:41 Gross! That's what you call it?
00:48:44 No, well, actually,
00:48:46 ...but I thought that might offend
00:48:51 - So how often do you flick it?
00:48:53 How often do you flick it?
00:48:55 You're only asking me that
00:48:58 ...while you flick yours.
00:49:00 I would never picture you while I do
00:49:03 - I don't do that, not ever.
00:49:05 - No. No. No.
00:49:07 I find it impersonal.
00:49:10 Abby, what could be more personal
00:49:13 - I just don't see myself that way, okay?
00:49:16 Come here.
00:49:18 Well, you better start.
00:49:21 Because if you don't wanna have sex
00:49:40 What is this?
00:49:42 What is this, baby?
00:49:45 What? What, baby?
00:49:52 What is this?
00:49:58 "Astrea 1."
00:50:03 "Vibrating brief."
00:50:23 Great.
00:51:07 He said he was running late.
00:51:09 What is he doing here already?
00:51:23 - Good, you're ready.
00:51:25 The dinner with corporate.
00:51:27 - Didn't you get my e-mail?
00:51:28 And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
00:51:31 You can't go
00:51:33 You have no idea
00:51:38 Well, then let's pick him up
00:51:40 - Come on, let's go. Right now.
00:51:46 Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
00:51:48 No worries.
00:51:50 No, dude, I'm the talent.
00:51:53 So you're an anchor, then?
00:51:55 No, I do The Ugly Truth.
00:51:57 - Hasn't he ever seen our show?
00:52:00 Our show's
00:52:04 - He's a doctor.
00:52:08 He doesn't wanna hear about things
00:52:11 - You talk about oral sex?
00:52:17 - You invited the Jell-O twins?
00:52:21 Well, it certainly can't hurt.
00:52:22 Ladies, you look quite fetching.
00:52:29 - Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
00:52:32 - Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
00:52:34 - And we all know Mike Chadway.
00:52:38 Something tells me we won't be
00:52:41 That's right.
00:52:44 - Our table's waiting. Shall we?
00:52:46 - Mike, you're doing a hell of a job.
00:52:52 - That's a good one, huh?
00:52:54 Thank you.
00:53:00 So you guys here
00:53:09 Oh, that's my guy,
00:53:15 Yeah.
00:53:17 Yeah. Right.
00:53:20 No, really, we are very excited
00:53:24 And we're hoping
00:53:27 - Oh, God.
00:53:29 Nothing. Nothing.
00:53:33 Could you excuse me?
00:53:36 - Shit.
00:53:43 - What are you doing?
00:53:46 - What remote?
00:53:51 The underwear.
00:53:54 What? You're wearing them now?
00:54:00 - Are you okay?
00:54:04 Yeah.
00:54:07 This ceviche, it's so good.
00:54:13 Quite possibly the best
00:54:16 Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
00:54:19 Abby, hold on.
00:54:20 Tell Harold about
00:54:23 ...we're starting next week.
00:54:26 Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
00:54:33 Well, they're 15 seconds...
00:54:38 ...every hour, on the hour.
00:54:41 Yep. Yep, yep.
00:54:45 They're so...
00:54:48 So...
00:54:50 You tell them, Mike.
00:54:53 Yes, you tell them.
00:54:55 Actually, I was really enjoying the way
00:55:01 You were... You were telling them.
00:55:05 What's in ceviche?
00:55:10 They're...
00:55:11 They're unlike anything
00:55:14 Amazing.
00:55:16 And they're of...
00:55:18 Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
00:55:20 ...and they are just so...
00:55:22 So cutting-edge.
00:55:24 So... So fantastic. So fantastic!
00:55:28 Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
00:55:30 Oh, God. Yeah!
00:55:36 Well, gotta love her
00:55:43 I'm gonna use the restroom,
00:55:51 Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
00:55:55 Did you know
00:55:58 Not the whole time,
00:56:01 - I figured I should let you finish.
00:56:05 So thanks for coming tonight.
00:56:08 That kind of coming.
00:56:14 He likes you, by the way. Colin.
00:56:18 - I can tell.
00:56:20 - We ready to go?
00:56:22 - I know Abby is.
00:56:25 Let's go.
00:56:26 - Take care. Thanks.
00:56:36 - Well, that went well, I think.
00:56:39 - Yeah.
00:56:40 Bob and Harold...
00:58:20 - Oh, my God. For me?
00:58:46 Okay. Just conference me
00:58:48 Okay, bye. All right, so we have
00:58:52 ...and for sweeps,
00:58:55 ...on how men are full of hot air.
00:58:57 - Right? It's good, right?
00:59:00 We should do some stuff
00:59:02 ...because you're great
00:59:05 I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
00:59:09 Yeah, you kind of are.
00:59:13 Back at you, babe.
00:59:17 So tell me this.
00:59:19 Why hasn't some fancy
00:59:23 Oh, I much prefer Sacramento
00:59:27 Come on. You just like
00:59:31 No. No.
00:59:34 And Sacramento isn't really a pond,
00:59:40 And it's a great place
00:59:42 Really good school system.
00:59:44 The parks are clean
00:59:47 And there's a much lower divorce rate
00:59:58 Yes, well...
00:59:59 Thank God Colin would never be into
01:00:03 Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes
01:00:07 That's a trait to be admired,
01:00:09 Man-whore?
01:00:13 I've seen you with the Funbag Twins,
01:00:16 Saw me what?
01:00:17 What, you saw me introduce them
01:00:20 They wanna be actresses, baby.
01:00:26 Such a generous man. You're telling
01:00:29 - Well, no, I didn't say that.
01:00:32 Men, or man-whores...
01:00:35 ...prefer women in slutty clothes
01:00:40 Every man wants that.
01:00:42 And for your information, I only slept
01:00:46 Wait a second,
01:00:49 Yes. Yes, I did.
01:00:51 I can say "cock."
01:00:54 Cock, cock, cock.
01:00:56 Okay, I got it.
01:00:58 A week ago, you were crying
01:01:01 Now you're "cock this, cock that,"
01:01:07 - You slept with Colin, didn't you?
01:01:13 We didn't.
01:01:15 He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
01:01:28 Well...
01:01:30 ...here's to overturning
01:01:34 I'm really a man of discriminating taste
01:01:39 Thank you.
01:01:44 So there you have it.
01:01:46 Never assume a girl is easy
01:01:50 There are many layers in between.
01:01:52 And it's your job, gentlemen,
01:01:56 ...and figure out exactly what type
01:02:00 That sounded almost enlightened.
01:02:02 Because once you do peel back
01:02:06 ...her lady garden awaits.
01:02:09 And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
01:02:13 Well, thanks, Mike.
01:02:17 Coming up after this message,
01:02:20 ...are gonna see any rainfall
01:02:22 I sure hope mine do.
01:02:25 I wanna go home,
01:02:27 Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
01:02:30 - I'm turned on with the layers.
01:02:34 - There he is.
01:02:35 Good news.
01:02:38 - What?
01:02:40 ...with Craig Ferguson.
01:02:43 - Ferguson wants me on his show?
01:02:45 - You're shitting me.
01:02:48 - Oh, yeah.
01:02:52 Yes!
01:02:54 Hi. Who are you?
01:02:56 Oh, this is Rick.
01:02:57 - I'm his agent.
01:03:00 Since when do you have an agent?
01:03:03 ...to book Late Night
01:03:05 Actually, it's Late Late.
01:03:08 And since he became the hottest
01:03:12 - Have you seen this guy's ratings?
01:03:16 Yeah, okay.
01:03:18 - Okay.
01:03:19 - How cool is this?
01:03:23 Oh, my God!
01:03:31 Joy said you wanted to see me?
01:03:32 I found out
01:03:35 ...at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco
01:03:38 Craig Ferguson is his audition.
01:03:40 - You can't be serious.
01:03:42 If Bob and Harold find out about this,
01:03:45 Now, I need you to fly out there
01:03:48 I'm going to Lake Tahoe
01:03:49 Don't let him know that you know.
01:03:51 Go ahead and let him do the show,
01:03:54 ...and then convince him
01:03:57 ...for the next three years.
01:04:11 Stuart, I'm pulling up.
01:04:13 Okay. I'll call you back.
01:04:17 Thank you.
01:04:19 Hello, little stupid penis face.
01:04:21 You'd be on cable access
01:04:24 - Here you wanna move to CBS.
01:04:28 Yes, I'm just...
01:04:33 Abby? What are you doing here?
01:04:37 You couldn't spend a day
01:04:39 Yes. I just can't get enough
01:04:43 Stuart thought you needed a producer
01:04:46 Come on, I gotta check in.
01:04:51 - Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock.
01:04:56 Okay, so let's go over
01:05:00 I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time
01:05:04 And by "little,"
01:05:06 ...although I highly suspect
01:05:09 Colin's penis. That's what
01:05:13 Because I thought
01:05:15 ...what you're gonna say
01:05:17 Yeah. Okay.
01:05:20 So tell me, Mike,
01:05:23 Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...
01:05:25 ...I had a sales job...
01:05:27 ...where I was driving around a lot,
01:05:31 I started calling in, and then I realized
01:05:35 Just ask my producer, Abby.
01:05:37 She thinks I'm a genius on days
01:05:41 Yes, thousands of lives
01:05:44 Excuse me, lady, but you have
01:05:47 It may have started because of you,
01:05:51 You're acting like your normal
01:05:54 I am not a control freak.
01:05:55 When you checked into the hotel,
01:05:59 ...on getting an eastern-facing room
01:06:05 I like rising with the sun, and a view.
01:06:09 My point is, that Colin likes
01:06:13 ...not the Abby version of Abby.
01:06:14 So don't go
01:06:17 ...when you're living proof
01:06:20 I could be having sex right now.
01:06:22 Right this way, please.
01:06:24 Dude, this is awesome. You are
01:06:28 Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
01:06:30 Just, you know,
01:06:33 - What do I always do?
01:06:38 You entertain people
01:06:41 ...and they love you for it.
01:06:43 That may be the nicest thing
01:06:45 - You're welcome.
01:06:47 ...here to tell us the ugly truth
01:06:50 ...is Mike Chadway, everybody.
01:06:54 Mike, Mike, Mike.
01:06:56 Come on up.
01:06:59 Hey, how are you, folks?
01:07:01 All right, Mike, welcome.
01:07:03 Now, listen. Men, we men,
01:07:07 Not necessarily "wee" men,
01:07:10 - No, I get it. I get it.
01:07:13 ...in matters of the heart.
01:07:15 But I hear you have some
01:07:19 What advice would you give
01:07:22 ...that are looking for love?
01:07:26 Don't do it.
01:07:28 I mean, try to find lust instead.
01:07:32 Blue balls, they only last a few hours,
01:07:43 Goodness me. Tell me, then.
01:07:46 Who?
01:07:47 The woman that screwed you up.
01:07:57 Well, like I said,
01:08:06 Hi. I was looking
01:08:22 - Did you get him? Is he ours?
01:08:26 I gotta go.
01:08:29 - Where's Rick?
01:08:32 I thought you and I could celebrate
01:08:36 And what exactly
01:08:39 Hello? Craig Ferguson?
01:08:42 I mean, maybe you saw it?
01:08:45 I heard about the offer from CBS.
01:08:49 Well, then maybe you heard
01:08:52 You did?
01:08:55 Why?
01:08:57 Jonah.
01:08:59 You know, he needs me around.
01:09:01 I may not be the best father figure
01:09:05 ...but I'm the only one he's got.
01:09:07 And I don't wanna half-ass it
01:09:11 Well, I think that's
01:09:14 Thank you.
01:09:16 Now, can we stop
01:09:18 ...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
01:09:23 God.
01:09:26 Tell me about the doozy.
01:09:28 You know,
01:09:30 You are just totally
01:09:33 No, I'm not. I'm just interested
01:09:39 Well, for your information...
01:09:42 ...it was more than just one.
01:09:45 It was more like a parade.
01:09:49 Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...
01:09:53 ...depressed girls,
01:09:58 Girls who, it turned out,
01:10:03 By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
01:10:06 ...you can only have
01:10:08 ...before you figure out
01:10:12 You can't really believe there's
01:10:16 To my very core.
01:10:19 Hello. Can I get you something?
01:10:21 - I'll have one of those, please.
01:10:24 - Would you like anything else?
01:10:26 Okay, would you like
01:10:29 - Tap water's great. Thanks.
01:10:33 What?
01:10:34 What?
01:10:36 It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
01:10:40 So I've been told.
01:10:46 Come on, let's dance.
01:10:47 No, I'm serious.
01:10:50 I've seen your spazzy dance,
01:10:53 - No, really. I can't dance like that.
01:11:01 Oh, Mike, no.
01:11:03 No.
01:12:35 We have an early flight tomorrow.
01:12:44 Yeah. We should go.
01:13:16 So the car is gonna pick us up
01:13:20 - Do you want me to call you?
01:13:23 - Oh, yeah, good idea.
01:13:29 - I had a really good time tonight.
01:13:32 Yeah.
01:13:42 - My floor.
01:13:44 - See you tomorrow.
01:13:46 Eight o'clock.
01:13:48 - Good night.
01:13:53 - Good night.
01:13:57 - A lot of fun. Yeah.
01:14:17 I guess...
01:14:18 I guess I should go, huh?
01:14:20 Yeah.
01:14:23 Good night.
01:14:48 What the hell was that?
01:14:51 Why do I wanna do it again?
01:15:06 - Miss me?
01:15:08 - You were expecting someone else?
01:15:13 Since you couldn't come to
01:15:17 - How did you know I was here?
01:15:20 I just started thinking about all the
01:15:24 Come here.
01:15:28 - A little champagne?
01:15:30 Great.
01:15:31 So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
01:15:35 - What's wrong?
01:15:39 - You told me you were spontaneous.
01:15:43 Have a little something else on its way
01:15:50 Let me tell you,
01:15:52 Oh, wow, I guess we have to
01:15:56 - I'll get you a towel.
01:16:09 Abby, I...
01:16:14 Abby, I really, really wanna do that
01:16:18 Fuck.
01:16:20 Fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:16:23 Man up, Chadway.
01:16:33 Hey... Hey. You're not room service.
01:16:37 - How you doing, man?
01:16:40 Hey. Good to see you. I...
01:16:42 I just came by to tell Abby
01:16:47 ...but I can come by later.
01:16:51 - Hi.
01:16:53 What are you doing here?
01:16:55 Flight's changed.
01:16:58 Eight o'clock in the morning.
01:17:01 I told you that already?
01:17:05 I'm so... Long day, big day.
01:17:09 Okay, I'll just leave now.
01:17:20 Mike. Mike.
01:17:22 Hey, wait.
01:17:25 He came to surprise me. I...
01:17:28 - Hey, how convenient.
01:17:31 I thought it was you at the door.
01:17:33 Well, I guess we're all
01:17:38 I taught you well.
01:17:40 Hey, maybe you could
01:17:51 Tell me what happened
01:17:54 Should I tell Colin to go?
01:17:58 No.
01:18:01 No, why pull up anchor now?
01:18:03 I mean, you worked damn hard
01:18:08 And that's it?
01:18:13 What do you want me to say?
01:18:17 The truth is ugly, isn't it?
01:18:21 That's what I've been
01:18:28 I'll see you.
01:18:56 Sorry about that.
01:18:58 No. Honestly, no worries.
01:19:00 Just come here.
01:19:03 Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
01:19:07 To the first of many
01:19:17 Okay.
01:19:22 Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
01:19:31 You're beautiful. You're smart.
01:19:35 You...
01:19:37 You never criticize.
01:19:38 You know what?
01:19:42 And I've gotta say,
01:19:44 ...because I know so many women
01:19:48 ...and it's a nightmare.
01:19:49 - I just love that you're not like that.
01:19:52 I am just like that.
01:19:55 Wait, what do you mean?
01:19:56 Well, this should be chilled.
01:19:59 But you know that.
01:20:01 And as horrible as it sounds...
01:20:04 ...I was editing that speech
01:20:07 And the time you fed me caviar,
01:20:12 I hate being fed like a toddler.
01:20:15 That's how much
01:20:18 But I couldn't show you
01:20:21 ...who would love someone like that?
01:20:24 No one.
01:20:42 I'm so sorry.
01:20:45 You are a great guy, you really are.
01:20:49 Which is why I have to tell you
01:20:53 Not for one second of the time
01:20:57 Then who have you been?
01:21:01 The girl some idiot told me to be.
01:21:31 Morning, Freddy.
01:21:34 What did you do to him?
01:21:36 I didn't do anything.
01:21:39 He quit this morning.
01:21:41 I got a call from the local CBS affiliate
01:21:45 Corporate's having a shit fit.
01:21:48 He quit to go
01:21:52 We don't need Mike Chadway.
01:21:54 Halfwit troglodytes
01:21:56 You'd better be right.
01:21:58 Because you gotta find me
01:22:01 I'll find one by the end of the day.
01:22:03 Not really. I'm just...
01:22:07 I can't believe I allowed myself
01:22:10 Well, you felt enough something
01:22:13 Okay, here are the Mike Chadway
01:22:16 - Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no.
01:22:21 So, what do you think
01:22:23 I love it.
01:22:25 KS XP retained the copyright
01:22:29 ...so we retitled you:
01:22:34 Love it.
01:22:35 - And this is Joe, your new producer.
01:22:41 You know what I like
01:22:43 Is I don't wanna
01:22:46 I'm relieved to hear that.
01:23:17 How's my face? Is it too shiny?
01:23:20 Which side is better?
01:23:25 They're all great. Can we go over
01:23:28 - "I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..."
01:23:35 Okay. Let's maybe lose
01:23:38 What? Gun's my signature move.
01:23:41 Unless the NRA is paying
01:23:43 ...I say lose the effing gun.
01:23:45 All right,
01:23:49 Two, one.
01:23:51 - Think this guy's any good?
01:23:54 I'm Jack Magnum,
01:23:59 - Peace.
01:24:02 We'll do a couple questions
01:24:05 ...about how often couples get it on
01:24:08 Got it.
01:24:11 - Check it out. Your replacement's on.
01:24:14 - My what?
01:24:15 Your replacement?
01:24:17 Most of you are watching this show
01:24:20 Well, let me assure you,
01:24:24 You're looking at a guy...
01:24:26 ...who personally has had sex
01:24:30 Most of them conscious.
01:24:34 - This is beautiful.
01:24:37 ...and I'm supposed to be telling you
01:24:41 But I think we all know,
01:24:44 Just because she says no,
01:24:49 If that were the case,
01:24:53 - Okay. All right.
01:24:56 Did she...?
01:24:58 Welcome back.
01:25:00 It looks like we're experiencing
01:25:03 Yeah, when you have
01:25:06 Okay, I got it.
01:25:09 - Hi.
01:25:11 I'm sorry...
01:25:13 ... but Jack Magnum will no longer
01:25:18 Which should really
01:25:20 ...because men
01:25:23 What is she doing?
01:25:25 Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know.
01:25:29 Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
01:25:31 He up and quit the show
01:25:34 You think you know what men
01:25:37 ... what men want to do.
01:25:39 But when it comes down
01:25:41 ... where they actually need to step up
01:25:44 ... they chicken out.
01:25:47 - I am all over this.
01:25:50 - We're live in two.
01:25:52 The big, strong, brave men
01:25:56 ...in novels and watching in movies
01:25:59 ...that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
01:26:01 Men are not strong.
01:26:05 Men are afraid.
01:26:07 It's all part of the show. It's an
01:26:11 Even if they have a moment
01:26:16 ... and it's totally romantic
01:26:20 ...men are incapable of copping to it.
01:26:23 Because why?
01:26:26 Men are weak.
01:26:27 Let me tell you something
01:26:32 - Hey.
01:26:34 ...that they are the victims.
01:26:38 - I thought he quit.
01:26:40 See? I told you we'd get him back.
01:26:42 They say they want true love,
01:26:46 Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
01:26:50 For you men who fit the criteria...
01:26:52 ... don't kid yourselves,
01:26:55 They're sleeping with a carefully
01:27:00 Money over substance,
01:27:03 Polish over principles.
01:27:05 No gesture,
01:27:08 ...will ever compensate for a really
01:27:12 This coming from a man
01:27:15 ...other than this one.
01:27:16 Oh, so the elevator
01:27:18 The elevator
01:27:21 ...followed by a moment of panic
01:27:24 - Panic? I came by your room.
01:27:28 That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
01:27:30 That was an unwillingness
01:27:32 ...with the walking checklist
01:27:35 You should be thanking me.
01:27:37 We got 10 seconds.
01:27:39 Are we ready to soar
01:27:41 Well, there you have it, folks.
01:27:44 A girl in heat for two guys...
01:27:46 ...will choose the one
01:27:48 That is bullsh...
01:27:51 And we're out.
01:27:54 God. I hate you so much,
01:27:57 No, you hate yourself
01:28:00 - Off we go.
01:28:02 I'm not going anywhere with you.
01:28:07 - Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing.
01:28:11 Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
01:28:16 What are you doing?
01:28:23 They don't even know
01:28:27 Is there any way to tell them
01:28:29 - Nope.
01:28:45 So who wants champagne?
01:28:49 Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
01:28:51 Why don't we pass the time
01:28:54 ...how much fun you and Colin had
01:28:57 I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles,
01:28:59 On our left,
01:29:02 - What?
01:29:05 If you think we're gonna finish
01:29:07 ...you're out of your mind.
01:29:10 Oh, come on.
01:29:12 And to our right here, you'll see
01:29:16 ...winding its way
01:29:18 Could you please stop talking?
01:29:20 You're right. I had a momentary
01:29:23 ...when I thought you were
01:29:26 Oh, yeah?
01:29:28 "I'm Mike Chadway.
01:29:30 I like to fuck like a monkey.
01:29:33 Oh, for God's sakes,
01:29:38 Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
01:29:40 Especially when I'm in love
01:29:43 I am not a psycho.
01:29:45 Love?
01:29:48 I just told you that I loved you,
01:29:51 - You're the definition of neurotic.
01:29:55 ...is a person who suffers from anxiety,
01:29:59 ...without any objective evidence of...
01:30:02 Yet again,
01:30:05 ...and you're standing here
01:30:20 You're in love with me.
01:30:22 Why?
01:30:26 Beats the shit out of me...
01:30:29 ...but I am.
01:30:59 Oh, Mike.
01:31:01 - You're amazing.
01:31:03 Oh, you're a god.
01:31:06 - Really?
01:31:19 Am I really that good?
01:31:20 Or are you...?
01:31:22 Are you just faking it?
01:31:26 You'll never know.
01:35:48 Subtitles by LeapinLar