Unaccompanied Minors

en
00:00:39 - Santa.
00:00:41 Now, Charlie, you're gonna be okay
00:00:45 Never been better, Dad.
00:00:47 Who do we have here?
00:00:49 You're up.
00:00:54 Santa. I can't believe it's really you.
00:01:00 It's all right, everybody.
00:01:16 - Okay, go. Prove it.
00:01:26 - Santa, my friends and I have a bet.
00:01:31 I was right, you're hot!
00:01:33 You guys owe me a soy half-caf
00:01:36 Can you get me a discount?
00:01:47 Mom, I'm 11.
00:01:49 I'll look like a loser
00:01:52 You'll look like someone
00:01:54 Now go sit on Santa's lap. Go.
00:02:04 Hands off, fat boy!
00:02:17 I don't wanna see Santa!
00:02:19 Then let's just go, okay?
00:02:20 - I don't wanna go!
00:02:23 I don't wanna!
00:02:26 Somebody's not being a very good girl.
00:02:29 I might have to put coal
00:02:33 Nice work. Did they send you
00:02:36 Okay, look, Katherine.
00:02:38 Nothing's gonna happen. See?
00:02:42 - Everything's okay.
00:02:43 That dorky kid from the AV squad
00:03:05 Why do we have to spend Christmas
00:03:07 He's gonna be working
00:03:09 Honey, I know that this is all hard on you,
00:03:14 Your sister is counting on you
00:03:17 Honey, please, just take care of her.
00:03:20 Oh, excuse me?
00:03:21 My children are traveling without me
00:03:26 I got two unaccompanied minors!
00:03:30 Welcome to the friendly skies,
00:03:33 Hey, look what we have here.
00:03:36 All right, let's go experience
00:03:39 While we're young. Yes. We have to walk.
00:03:43 It's happening.
00:03:45 - I love you, Katie.
00:03:48 I love you, Spencer.
00:03:50 Please focus.
00:04:02 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:04:05 - How come we're not in Pennsylvania?
00:04:09 But I liked our plane.
00:04:14 Hey. So you guys
00:04:18 All right. Well, my name is Zach and I'll
00:04:22 And give me five!
00:04:24 Follow me this way. Man.
00:04:30 Where are all the Christmas decorations?
00:04:32 Well, our boss doesn't really like Christmas
00:04:37 But he did let us put up a few things.
00:04:42 That green thing is a Christmas tree,
00:04:46 It doesn't feel like Christmas.
00:04:48 Yeah, I kind of agree with you.
00:04:52 - Who's Mr. Porter?
00:04:55 And between you and me,
00:04:58 ...or holidays, really.
00:05:00 He sounds mean.
00:05:01 Yeah. It really depends
00:05:04 Smell the air, Hoffman.
00:05:07 Cinnabons, Mr. Porter?
00:05:09 Freedom. It's my first Christmas off
00:05:13 Just me, a Hawaiian resort...
00:05:16 ...and no complaining passengers
00:05:19 You know who will be complaining now?
00:05:21 Me. I'll be complaining about everything.
00:05:23 And they'll just have to stand there
00:05:26 ...because it's their job, not mine.
00:05:29 - Sounds like fun, sir.
00:05:31 It's my vacation.
00:05:34 Well, aloha, suckers.
00:05:37 Aloha. All flights to Hawaii
00:05:41 We apologize for any inconvenience.
00:05:51 And Merry Christmas to me.
00:05:57 - Twenty inches of snow have fallen...
00:06:01 - Worst blizzard we've...
00:06:04 After Christmas, head
00:06:06 ...for the first-ever unclaimed
00:06:10 You never know what you might find.
00:06:13 If someone's lost it, you can buy it.
00:06:16 Oh, no. Did you bite your tongue again?
00:06:18 When I wrote Santa,
00:06:21 ...that we were gonna be at Dad's house
00:06:25 How is he gonna find us now?
00:06:27 Oh, you mean that Santa guy
00:06:30 Him? I mean, he's not even gonn...
00:06:35 He'll find you. The tooth fairy
00:06:39 She works with NORAD.
00:06:41 Spencer, NORAD says that Santa's
00:06:47 So that means if we lived here,
00:06:53 Guys. We have a problem.
00:06:56 Attention, passengers. All flights
00:06:59 ...have been suspended
00:07:03 The weather service is forecasting
00:07:06 ...until tomorrow morning...
00:07:10 My wife's gonna kill me, man.
00:07:13 We apologize for any inconvenience.
00:07:20 Where are we going?
00:07:22 Somewhere really fun.
00:07:26 Are we going to prison?
00:07:27 No. We're going to have fun with all
00:07:31 Welcome to the
00:07:52 Oh, man.
00:07:55 Help us!
00:07:57 Zach, we're flight attendants,
00:08:00 You've got to find someone else
00:08:02 You guys, there is no one else.
00:08:05 Think of it like being in the air
00:08:08 ...and secure all exits and discourage
00:08:13 - Oh, come on, you guys.
00:08:15 Where's your Christmas spirit?
00:08:19 I don't think Santa's
00:08:34 I think I bought defective M&M's.
00:08:38 Oh, come on, Val, lighten up, you know?
00:08:41 I know you're worried about the kids.
00:08:44 It's Christmas Eve.
00:08:47 No. No. Judy, you don't have
00:08:51 I have to finish. I have six more boxes
00:08:54 - This is creepy.
00:08:57 Thanks for being such a great sister.
00:08:59 The Weather Service is calling it
00:09:02 It's the biggest blizzard to hit
00:09:05 We're talking nasty.
00:09:07 It's already grounded all flights
00:09:10 Oh, no! The kids!
00:09:13 Can we change planes now?
00:09:18 Okay, yeah, I can do this. All right.
00:09:20 - Kids love me. I'm all right. I'm good.
00:09:23 Didn't I tell you this was fun?
00:09:27 Get us out of here.
00:09:29 Why would you wanna do that?
00:09:32 Look, watch this. Hey, can I get
00:09:35 Okay.
00:09:37 All right, accidents happen.
00:09:40 Straw in the eye. Straw in the eye.
00:09:45 Santa's watching!
00:09:48 - He's not going to come to your house!
00:09:52 - I bet he's psycho.
00:09:55 - Go poke him.
00:10:12 We could call Mom.
00:10:14 Yeah, well, she wouldn't drive
00:10:17 Then let's call Dad.
00:10:18 Yeah, he wouldn't drive
00:10:21 Pardon me, do your parents
00:10:23 - What?
00:10:25 I'm conducting a poll
00:10:28 Being divorced is number one.
00:10:30 ...and visiting your grandparents
00:10:33 And then there are the rich kids.
00:10:36 But they're not statistically significant.
00:10:39 - Oh, burn.
00:10:45 Okay.
00:10:49 Her name's Grace Conrad.
00:10:54 She's way out of your league,
00:10:58 So, what about you two?
00:11:01 - It's really none of your business.
00:11:04 Polls are a great way to learn about
00:11:09 This place is weird.
00:11:14 Could be worse.
00:11:15 Okay, Simon says flush your cell phone.
00:11:22 Is this bathroom out of order?
00:11:25 No.
00:11:29 Must escape the sound of running water.
00:11:35 Read them and weep, boys.
00:11:39 Texas Hold 'Em. Excellent game.
00:11:42 - What, you play?
00:11:45 No, you don't.
00:11:46 Yeah, I do. She doesn't know
00:11:49 I play all the time and I win.
00:11:52 You're adopted, underpants!
00:11:54 - Underpants.
00:11:57 Please. It's Dior.
00:12:00 Our mom bought it for him at Kmart.
00:12:05 Yeah. I gotta take her to get some food.
00:12:09 No! I wanna watch them play cards,
00:12:14 Yeah. Let her watch, noodle-head.
00:12:17 See you, Kmart.
00:12:19 Deal me in.
00:12:22 You want your dolly back, you big baby?
00:12:26 Hey, guys, check this out.
00:12:32 It's borderline urgent now, sir.
00:12:34 I cannot let you leave the room. Why
00:12:38 No, no, no.
00:12:42 Juice box in my back. I am laying
00:12:45 Sometimes I see my brother kissing
00:12:51 Awkward.
00:12:53 Did the door just open? I know the door
00:12:57 - I know someone's walking out.
00:12:59 - Okay, who farted?
00:13:02 - Where are you going?
00:13:08 This goes against everything
00:13:11 Wait, who's going to pee?
00:13:14 Hey, keep the door closed!
00:13:17 You better keep that...
00:13:24 Oh, no.
00:13:26 Oh, you worry me, honey.
00:13:29 I gotta call Sam.
00:13:30 Val, please. Why don't you relax?
00:13:34 A nice steaming cup
00:13:38 I've had three already.
00:13:41 Are you trying to kill me?
00:13:43 Well, no.
00:13:46 Judy, my children are trapped
00:13:49 Do you have any idea
00:13:55 Finally.
00:13:58 Where's that kid who had to pee?
00:14:04 - Sam Davenport. Clean Earth Society.
00:14:07 Hey, Val. I'm heading to the airport
00:14:10 - You're not gonna be able to.
00:14:12 - They're not gonna be able to fly in!
00:14:14 - There's a blizzard...
00:14:16 Yes, it is.
00:14:19 - Sure their flight's canceled?
00:14:22 No, no. I guess Al Roker wouldn't lie.
00:14:24 Val, I'm gonna drive all night to get them.
00:14:33 I would like a table for one
00:14:37 Aren't you a little young
00:14:39 Not at all.
00:14:41 No. No kids' menu.
00:14:44 No, no, no. No crayons either.
00:14:50 Welcome to the High Flyer's Club,
00:14:52 Thank you.
00:14:59 Gadgets.
00:15:05 Bingo.
00:15:22 Yes.
00:15:24 Cheese. Condiments.
00:15:28 Caviar.
00:15:32 Nachos. My mom
00:15:35 So an order of those.
00:15:36 She's banned all sodas from the house,
00:15:40 My mom never let me eat
00:15:43 Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert.
00:15:45 You don't have a tapeworm, do you?
00:16:04 Oh, yeah.
00:16:55 Travel is so exhausting,
00:16:58 Left, left. Yes.
00:17:04 How you doing?
00:17:11 Take it, backup singers!
00:17:18 Sweet Jehoshaphat.
00:17:20 He did it.
00:17:25 Freeze!
00:17:27 Freeze! Hey!
00:17:29 Excuse me, are you unaccompanied?
00:17:32 I'm single. Who's asking?
00:17:34 They are.
00:17:37 Are you gonna let me get dressed,
00:17:50 Okay, airport food's that much, huh?
00:17:55 - I am so gonna kill you.
00:17:59 It seemed like he would...
00:18:04 Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
00:18:06 He didn't even eat the mozzarella sticks.
00:18:09 - Eat my dust!
00:18:12 Look out!
00:18:14 Get her!
00:18:16 Coming through!
00:18:20 Security Five, I have an unattended vehicle
00:18:30 Hi, officer.
00:18:33 I think you're doing a great job.
00:18:35 - Both of you.
00:18:38 I don't normally do this, officers. Sorry!
00:18:52 Hey, bro. Hi, Mom, Dad.
00:18:55 You guys, this vacation was awesome.
00:19:03 - Grace?
00:19:05 - You. Wait for me!
00:19:08 Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna accept me
00:19:11 - And I'm not going to community college.
00:19:15 What are you guys doing?
00:19:18 - Get them!
00:19:20 I've always wanted to do this. Go!
00:19:26 Charlie, you might
00:19:32 Oh, this is a bad idea!
00:19:37 Nicely done.
00:19:40 When did you get here?
00:19:54 I get the feeling we are going
00:19:57 Not with me behind the wheel. Hang on!
00:20:06 Right turn!
00:20:15 Well, that was fun.
00:20:22 Welcome home.
00:20:24 Where are my friends?
00:20:26 Oh, man. Where's my sister?
00:20:29 They went where all the good little boys
00:20:35 They went somewhere nice.
00:20:38 Where, you ask?
00:20:40 Why, the comfortable and festive...
00:20:44 ...Hoover International Lodge.
00:20:47 Which is just a few thousand yards
00:20:54 Which now smells like a horse died in it.
00:20:58 Oh, so we're going to the lodge?
00:21:02 I think I have an answer
00:21:05 Are you out of
00:21:09 Have you looked outside lately?
00:21:11 The roads are blocked
00:21:15 ...called a blizzard going on.
00:21:17 That's when the sky opens up
00:21:22 ...and makes it hard for people
00:21:25 Like fly to Hawaii, for instance.
00:21:28 Who's going to Hawaii?
00:21:30 Not me.
00:21:33 Not anymore.
00:21:35 Sir, I gotta get down to my sister.
00:21:38 Will she be freaked?
00:21:40 I'm betting she's gonna be stoked
00:21:44 ...and she doesn't have to wait around
00:21:48 So where are we staying?
00:21:51 What's wrong with right here?
00:21:53 It smells like a horse died in it.
00:21:55 That's exactly the kind of place...
00:21:57 ...I thought a bunch of juvenile delinquents
00:22:01 Watch it, Dr. Evil.
00:22:03 Oh, no, did I offend you?
00:22:05 Well, I don't know what else
00:22:07 ...who commits grand theft auto,
00:22:11 ...and destruction of property
00:22:14 Someone cooler than you'll ever be.
00:22:19 That's fantastic.
00:22:21 I didn't know we had
00:22:24 And what about a young man...
00:22:26 ...who orders the heart-attack special
00:22:30 Or a girl who exfoliates herself
00:22:36 Then, the abominable snowman...
00:22:40 ...who transforms
00:22:43 ...into his own private amusement park
00:22:47 Aren't you a little too old
00:22:50 I mean, what are you, like 40?
00:22:53 Actually, Beef is 12, sir.
00:22:56 Good Lord.
00:23:01 And Charlie Goldfinch...
00:23:04 ...my most frequent underage flyer.
00:23:08 And formerly model passenger.
00:23:12 Karaoke, son?
00:23:14 Was it worth it?
00:23:17 I had a song in my heart.
00:23:20 Oh, my gosh, I'm a juvie.
00:23:23 I think you can all see that I have
00:23:28 ...to keep you here in the U.M.
00:23:34 But who's gonna take care of them?
00:23:39 You are, Van Bourke.
00:23:41 And unless you enjoy unemployment...
00:23:44 ...you'll make sure they don't
00:24:00 The phone lines at the airport
00:24:03 Just call Spencer's cell phone.
00:24:06 Sam talked me out of getting him one.
00:24:09 He said millions of them
00:24:13 He's never gonna make it
00:24:15 There's just no way.
00:24:19 You married a guy with a vegetable car.
00:24:22 This is good. This is good!
00:24:28 I don't imagine there are gonna be many
00:24:32 ...so I've packed you a little holiday meal.
00:24:39 I hope you like vegetarian.
00:24:45 Katherine can't have Christmas morning
00:24:51 Let's go.
00:24:59 Road trip!
00:25:11 I got the last rooms. We'll have to pack
00:25:15 I wanna go home. I don't wanna
00:25:18 Santa's never gonna find me here.
00:25:22 I didn't understand a word of that.
00:25:25 So, little girl...
00:25:27 ...how would you like to stay
00:25:31 Who's Mary Lynn?
00:25:33 Only the world's sweetest
00:25:39 Hi. I'm Mary Lynn. We're gonna
00:25:47 Okay. You listen, and you listen good.
00:25:50 I've never had a little sister,
00:25:54 I am going to braid your hair, little girl.
00:25:56 And even if you try to say no,
00:26:00 Get it? Got it? Good!
00:26:05 So there is some good news.
00:26:10 Your cots are ready.
00:26:14 Yeah, I'll be right back.
00:26:22 This is so not the Christmas
00:26:25 Oh, poor baby.
00:26:27 I bet you have nice Christmases,
00:26:30 Where does your family go?
00:26:34 Please. Fiji's a zoo this time of year.
00:26:39 Are your folks still together?
00:26:41 Yeah.
00:26:42 - Then I hate you.
00:26:45 Well, I love Christmas.
00:26:50 My mom's boyfriend says...
00:26:52 ...that Christmas is when
00:26:58 It talks.
00:27:01 - I'm getting out of here.
00:27:03 I need to get to my sister
00:27:06 She's expecting Santa's sleigh
00:27:09 ...and if I don't get down there,
00:27:13 And I can't let that happen.
00:27:16 How would you get us out of here?
00:27:20 I got an idea.
00:27:25 - This is not gonna work.
00:27:29 I know. It's cool, isn't it?
00:27:31 Attention, Zach Van Bourke.
00:27:34 You're wanted at the Information Desk.
00:27:43 All right, guys. Well, I'll be right back.
00:27:47 You guys stay. Please.
00:28:06 Great plan, Kmart.
00:28:09 That was only part of the plan.
00:28:17 Hey.
00:28:19 Hey.
00:28:21 I'm here.
00:28:23 Yeah.
00:28:29 You know what?
00:28:34 But I'm gonna go back to the book.
00:28:36 I'm Zach Van Bourke. You paged me?
00:28:39 Yeah. You got a phone message
00:28:42 - I do?
00:28:50 "Goodbye."
00:28:55 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
00:29:08 You're right.
00:29:12 Operation Save Christmas is a go.
00:29:17 Looking good, baby, looking good!
00:29:20 Who needs four-wheel drive
00:29:26 Hey! Get out of the way, grandma!
00:29:31 Fossil-fuel junkie.
00:29:34 Gasoholic.
00:29:36 Enjoy the hangover!
00:29:47 I wonder where the fire is.
00:29:56 Doesn't she look just darling?
00:30:00 Excuse me, lady.
00:30:02 I need to be at... I need to get it...
00:30:06 I need to be at a chimney at 4:30
00:30:10 Girls? The pilots are down in the restaurant,
00:30:15 Captain Cohen's down there.
00:30:19 Let's go, girls!
00:30:21 The kids.
00:30:24 Don't worry, ma'am, I'm a certified
00:30:29 Mary Lynn, there's a 20 in this for you.
00:30:34 Captain Cohen, here I come.
00:30:38 Oh, no, you don't.
00:30:41 You are not going anywhere...
00:30:43 ...because I am going to give you
00:30:48 An extreme makeover.
00:30:54 They're children.
00:30:55 Don't tell me you can't find them.
00:30:58 Get back.
00:31:00 Do you know what the word
00:31:03 From the Latin, securitas?
00:31:05 As in "secure the building
00:31:08 Mr. Porter...
00:31:10 ...as long as the kids are in the airport,
00:31:13 If you chase them,
00:31:16 Oh, yeah. That's right, Van Bourke.
00:31:18 That would be much more tragic
00:31:22 Now, you help me find those kids...
00:31:24 ...or I'm gonna lock you
00:31:27 How do you like them apples?
00:31:28 Oh, my gosh, we're fugitives.
00:31:30 Shut up.
00:31:35 What, they call the National Guard?
00:31:37 If you get me sent back to that room,
00:31:40 What are you gonna do, rich girl?
00:31:43 Maybe I'll just have him
00:31:49 Girl fight. Girl fight.
00:31:53 No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
00:31:58 I saw this on cable once
00:32:04 'Tis the season to be j...
00:32:06 That's gonna hurt when I pee.
00:32:09 Oh, my gosh. Kid, are you okay?
00:32:12 I'm fine.
00:32:15 Look, I'm really sorry.
00:32:19 Got it. Won't happen again.
00:32:21 You know what, guys?
00:32:22 If we are ever gonna get down
00:32:26 You know, we have to think like a team.
00:32:30 We have to act like a team,
00:32:32 We have to walk like a team,
00:32:36 ...because we are the U.M. Team.
00:32:49 Yeah. What do we do first?
00:32:53 I'll get your sister a Christmas tree.
00:33:04 We're never gonna see him again,
00:33:07 - Probably not.
00:33:10 If we wanna get out of this airport...
00:33:12 ...our best bet would be the lower level,
00:33:16 ...behind the baggage claim.
00:33:19 And how do you know that?
00:33:21 I fly out of Hoover International
00:33:34 There.
00:33:38 - I'm not a doll, Mary Lynn.
00:33:41 You're way better. You can talk.
00:33:43 And I don't even
00:33:48 Now open up.
00:33:50 But, Mary Lynn,
00:33:53 Did you tell the kids
00:33:55 - No.
00:33:57 Because Spencer doesn't
00:34:01 I didn't want the kids
00:34:03 ...in case your car
00:34:05 Hey, the biomobile rocks, okay?
00:34:07 I have enough fuel in the back seat...
00:34:09 ...to get me to Florida and back
00:34:12 Well, I hope you're not talking
00:34:15 I read that all kinds of freak accidents
00:34:19 Wait, wait. Honey.
00:34:21 You have to stop reading
00:34:24 You know they make those stories up.
00:34:41 Oh, boy.
00:34:46 Zooey, you gotta toughen this kid up.
00:34:48 Oh, Ernie. Beef's only 12.
00:34:51 Twelve. Exactly.
00:34:54 Have you seen the kids that pick on him?
00:34:59 It's your ex-husband's fault.
00:35:01 Ninny. If it was up to me, I'd drop this kid
00:35:05 ...give him a knife
00:35:08 Let him find his way home,
00:35:11 Men are made, not born.
00:35:14 Merry Christmas.
00:35:18 Take me with you, Santa.
00:35:23 Aquaman, men are made, not born.
00:35:35 - My deal.
00:35:38 Hey, it's a dog. Are you hungry?
00:35:41 Okay. So the exit we're looking for
00:35:44 We need a distraction
00:35:47 No Christmas dinner for you, Cujo.
00:35:52 - Yeah, keep barking, right.
00:36:00 Okay, kids.
00:36:03 Let's follow your crumbs.
00:36:07 - It's almost gone.
00:36:11 We only got a half-hour for lunch.
00:36:18 So this guy gives me his bag.
00:36:30 Hey, man. Why don't you share
00:36:33 Okay, doggie.
00:36:36 Not.
00:36:41 Not gonna get it.
00:37:03 Oh, man.
00:37:09 - Van Bourke, get after that dog.
00:37:11 - The dog.
00:37:12 That's him, guys. Hide.
00:37:14 - What the hell is going on here?
00:37:17 - How?
00:37:22 Trapped like rats.
00:37:37 No. Zip.
00:37:38 Hello?
00:37:42 Anybody in here?
00:37:45 Oh, candy.
00:37:47 Anybody under 6 feet tall?
00:37:51 Anybody who isn't
00:37:59 Olly olly oxen free?
00:38:06 Come out, come out, wherever you are.
00:38:11 Hello?
00:38:19 Sir? Hi.
00:38:21 Yeah, that dog just took a dump
00:38:23 ...and its owner wants to talk to you.
00:38:27 Search this room from top to bottom...
00:38:29 ...and let me know the minute you find
00:38:34 Mr. Porter.
00:38:38 - What is this doing here?
00:38:42 Well, get it back to the warehouse.
00:38:44 Do I have to do everything around here?
00:38:55 My candy.
00:38:58 Oh, gosh.
00:39:01 - Let's go get some coffee.
00:39:07 - What's the matter?
00:39:09 - What?
00:39:12 There's no key. Charlie!
00:39:16 Why, hello.
00:39:18 - Donna, what are you doing?
00:39:21 I gotta save him!
00:39:22 It's not so bad in here. Oh, no!
00:39:26 Charli...
00:39:32 - Help!
00:39:34 I hope this is going someplace nice.
00:39:38 Charlie!
00:39:41 You follow her, okay? I'll take him.
00:39:43 - Got it.
00:39:53 I should have gone to the bathroom.
00:39:55 Help me!
00:39:58 You've gotta be kidding me.
00:40:12 Well, that doesn't sound good.
00:40:26 Oh, that's gotta hurt.
00:40:27 That hurt.
00:40:31 - Charlie.
00:00:12 - Go.
00:00:26 I got you, Charlie.
00:00:29 Charlie, are you okay?
00:00:31 I'd be better if you'd
00:00:36 - Oh, no.
00:00:42 Donna, Charlie.
00:00:44 Are you guys okay?
00:00:46 Donna? Your knee's
00:00:50 Oh, thanks.
00:00:52 You guys, look.
00:00:56 Where are we?
00:00:58 This would be
00:01:00 I saw this place on TV.
00:01:02 Oh, my gosh. There's at least 50 years'
00:01:06 Please, someone, tell me it's beautiful.
00:01:09 Hey, Spencer. Looks like your sister's...
00:01:11 ...not the only one who's gonna
00:01:15 - Somebody wanna unzip me?
00:01:35 Cool.
00:02:38 Oh, boy.
00:03:05 No! Please don't kill me.
00:03:08 That was a friendly honk, meant
00:03:13 Oh, hey. Sorry to scare you.
00:03:19 Carve a beaver. Got it. Got it.
00:03:23 Hey, do you guys sell biodiesel here?
00:03:26 We got regular diesel and unleaded gas.
00:03:31 Unless you want a statue of Lincoln
00:03:36 What harm could one tank of diesel do?
00:03:45 What have I done?
00:03:57 Oh, thank God.
00:04:12 That doesn't look good.
00:04:41 So, what's the cool things you found?
00:04:43 Say hello to my surfboard.
00:04:45 I found a walkie-talkie family pack.
00:04:47 It has cameras and video screens
00:04:50 Oh, I just took a video of the inside
00:04:54 Now, who wants to see my ear canal?
00:04:59 No, thank you.
00:05:01 I'll watch it, then.
00:05:04 Spencer? Anything you wanna tell us?
00:05:08 Oh, this. It's for my sister.
00:05:12 Then why don't you give her
00:05:17 Kidding.
00:05:19 What'd you find?
00:05:21 You know, I have no idea,
00:05:24 Hey, that's an 8-track tape player.
00:05:26 According to the Massachusetts
00:05:29 ...I have the largest collection
00:05:33 But I don't mean to brag.
00:05:36 This is one of my favorites.
00:05:38 Could this night get any better?
00:05:52 What is he doing?
00:06:11 What are you doing?
00:06:49 - Hoffman.
00:06:52 Hoffman.
00:06:54 Not now.
00:06:57 Hoffman, I think you should
00:07:01 This better be good.
00:07:04 What in the sam hill?
00:07:17 Oh, Charles.
00:07:21 Hey.
00:07:24 Yeah, Charles.
00:07:28 Hey, hey, hey.
00:07:29 Look, I saved him, I'll dance with him.
00:07:34 Okay.
00:07:36 Hey, you let me touch you.
00:07:38 I'm touching you, kid. Don't get any ideas.
00:07:43 All right, Kmart, let's see what you got.
00:07:46 Okay.
00:07:53 You realize if you tell anyone
00:07:56 ...l'll have to kill you.
00:07:58 Not telling anyone, I swear.
00:08:01 Good.
00:08:03 - It was a nice picture, though. I liked it.
00:08:07 No, I mean, I think girls
00:08:11 Not that you don't
00:08:13 I mean, that's not what I meant at all,
00:08:16 - I was a dork.
00:08:20 You're not a dork. You just...
00:08:23 You just need someone doing
00:08:28 Are you gonna pass out or something?
00:08:32 Oh, man. I mean, we gotta go.
00:08:38 You know what, guys? We gotta go.
00:08:42 We don't know
00:08:45 Why do you need a hotel when you've got
00:08:50 - Run!
00:08:52 Don't lose them in here.
00:08:56 But it's Christmas Eve, sir.
00:08:59 ...leave them alone?
00:09:07 Split up, split up!
00:09:12 We might wanna
00:09:15 - Grace, come on.
00:09:29 Okay, nobody panic.
00:09:33 Donna, I have a confession.
00:09:35 I was never a good runner.
00:09:38 You smart guys are all the same:
00:09:42 Follow me, men.
00:09:44 Watch out for your footing, guys.
00:09:52 There's the door.
00:09:54 You guys, look, it's the hotel.
00:09:56 Oh, boy.
00:09:58 Move it, moron.
00:10:02 - It's the Hoover International Lodge.
00:10:05 How? You got four snowmobiles?
00:10:12 Watch the Winter Olympics?
00:10:16 Wait, wait, wait.
00:10:18 Wait.
00:10:20 What are you doing?
00:10:22 We're going to the hotel
00:10:24 Way to go. Anything else
00:10:26 Van Dork, I'm afraid you know
00:10:29 - Wait, wait, wait.
00:10:31 Wait, I promise I won't talk.
00:10:33 Hey! Hey!
00:10:38 Last one down the hill is a fired apple.
00:11:01 We seem to be moving a tad rapidly.
00:11:13 Tree! Watch out!
00:11:22 - Pine needles!
00:11:27 I usually like to try to avoid clichés,
00:11:39 More trees!
00:11:43 Take evasive action, boys!
00:11:47 How do we steer?
00:11:59 You know, if I wasn't so utterly terrified,
00:12:03 Drift!
00:12:16 My butt!
00:12:18 Cowabunga!
00:12:24 Sweet Jehoshaphat!
00:12:32 Look out, he's gonna hit us!
00:12:34 Lean left!
00:12:42 I'm coming, Mr. Porter!
00:12:45 This is all wonderful fun...
00:12:47 ...but you do realize the enormous
00:12:49 ...you're gonna be in
00:12:52 Not if I can help it. Paddle!
00:12:57 Oh, you wanna speed up, huh?
00:12:59 Okay!
00:13:02 Wait for me!
00:13:08 Not to be a stick in the mud...
00:13:10 ...but we're moving
00:13:13 - I'd like to second that interjection!
00:13:16 Please tell me you're gonna stop
00:13:19 Yeah, we are, but you're not!
00:13:22 Hit the brakes!
00:13:28 Unbelievable.
00:13:31 I don't get paid enough for this!
00:13:34 Holy cow!
00:13:39 Well, this should be interesting.
00:13:45 Darn.
00:13:49 Van Dork, aren't you coming with us?
00:13:52 No, you guys do what you gotta do.
00:13:54 I'm just gonna sit here and you know...
00:13:57 ...throw up for a little bit.
00:13:59 - Go.
00:14:01 - Yeah?
00:14:05 You guys are acting like
00:14:07 Don't worry, Van Bourke. We're okay.
00:14:10 Wait up, you guys.
00:14:19 Guard cat.
00:14:53 You were a worthy opponent.
00:15:10 Ain't it a little past your bedtime, sonny?
00:15:12 I want a Christmas tree.
00:15:15 What about that little one?
00:15:21 What do I look like,
00:15:23 This big one's expensive.
00:15:37 - Sunday potluck, don't forget!
00:15:40 You wanna come in for some eggnog?
00:15:43 Oh, man.
00:15:44 How am I gonna get to my kids now?
00:15:48 Your kids?
00:15:49 No, sir. No kid should be alone
00:15:53 I really appreciate it.
00:15:59 Oh, no.
00:16:01 The mayor dropped it off for an oil change,
00:16:04 You use it to pick up your kids
00:16:07 I'll get you a rental car
00:16:09 I can't drive that thing.
00:16:11 I'd loan you my Caddy, but squirrels
00:16:15 I'm afraid this is your only choice.
00:16:18 Depends how much you wanna
00:16:23 Forgive me, brother squirrel.
00:16:30 Oh, man.
00:16:32 I hope the boys in the Sierra Club
00:16:36 Thanks.
00:16:38 Okay, so my sister is in room 424.
00:16:47 Okay. Now I'm mad.
00:16:51 Elevator.
00:16:54 - What are you doing? Get in.
00:16:57 Here, take these walkies.
00:16:59 Don't you kids know that you're supposed
00:17:05 Physician, heal thyself!
00:17:08 It's Shakespeare.
00:17:10 Man, you're no end of help
00:17:13 Oh, well. Maybe next Christmas
00:17:19 Sir, I advise you not to do that.
00:17:23 Punk, watch this.
00:17:29 Thanks for the tip.
00:17:32 Oh, perfect. Now everything hurts.
00:17:37 My contacts are going crazy.
00:17:44 Once a dork...
00:17:47 ...always a dork.
00:17:49 You are so not a dork.
00:17:56 Kid!
00:17:58 - Hey, kid!
00:18:01 - We gotta find her.
00:18:05 - Is my sister Katherine in there?
00:18:08 Her brother wants to know.
00:18:09 Well, I'm not allowed
00:18:15 Let me handle this.
00:18:19 Move!
00:18:25 Oh, no.
00:18:28 Room service! Room service!
00:18:30 Hey! No! Stop that!
00:18:33 Stop. Stop that.
00:18:39 There were some kids running wild
00:18:42 ...and I was just trying to stop them.
00:18:45 It wasn't me.
00:18:48 It sounded like you.
00:18:49 They're very talented children.
00:18:53 I'm just gonna go find the children.
00:19:00 Right now!
00:19:01 - Charlie, where are you guys?
00:19:05 - Taking evasive action.
00:19:08 - We need you guys to keep the coast clear.
00:19:11 Donna, time for Han Solo
00:19:14 Trust me. It's a nerd thing.
00:19:22 You've gotta be kidding me.
00:19:28 Oh, no, no, no.
00:19:31 - No!
00:19:34 - No!
00:19:39 Now, I know this looks bad, but...
00:19:42 And now so do you.
00:19:46 Oh, no.
00:20:13 Merry Christmas, Katherine.
00:20:23 Don't you just wanna take a picture?
00:20:27 Oh, you're all in so much trouble.
00:20:30 Just don't wake up my sister, okay?
00:20:33 Any more requests?
00:20:35 Milk and cookies?
00:20:37 A jail cell with a view?
00:20:40 Mr. Porter, now, I know you probably
00:20:44 ...but I think that maybe you should just
00:20:50 - It's Christmas.
00:20:55 I will take your opinion
00:20:59 ...when I actually care what you think.
00:21:09 Oliver...
00:21:11 ...as soon as I get these kids
00:21:22 March.
00:21:30 Sir, are you taking us to the U.M. room?
00:21:33 I would never do that to you
00:21:36 - Really?
00:21:38 You'll all be much happier
00:21:42 - Private rooms?
00:21:45 ...stay together and plan your next assault
00:21:49 It's "my airport and I."
00:21:51 Hey, get this, Strunk and White,
00:21:58 - Dang.
00:22:00 ...all those stranded passengers
00:22:04 There are too many of them
00:22:09 So I thought
00:22:11 ...and since you have such nice,
00:22:15 ...that you wouldn't mind
00:22:19 ...and let them go instead.
00:22:21 - Sir.
00:22:22 You'll be able to leave this afternoon
00:22:27 - Tomorrow for sure.
00:22:30 As a matter of fact,
00:22:36 Lock them up.
00:22:50 I'll be in my office watching
00:22:53 There'll be guards posted
00:22:56 If you find your way out of here...
00:22:58 ...l'll be the first to congratulate you
00:23:02 ...because you will have accomplished
00:23:09 Good luck.
00:24:13 Hey, guys.
00:24:14 Thanks for all the help with my sister.
00:24:18 You know, I'm sorry that
00:24:22 ...because of me.
00:24:24 We probably won't see each other again
00:24:29 ...wanted to say
00:24:32 ...and that I think we make
00:24:35 Maybe the thing is it's just none of
00:24:39 ...you know?
00:24:40 Except for you, Grace.
00:24:45 Actually, that's not totally true.
00:24:48 I thought your parents weren't divorced.
00:24:50 Well, not from each other,
00:24:57 What do you mean?
00:24:59 They just don't seem
00:25:04 That's why they travel all the time.
00:25:08 - So is that where you're going?
00:25:15 I live 20 minutes from here.
00:25:21 I figured it'd be more fun hanging out at the
00:25:27 She wanted Christmas off anyway.
00:25:34 Now I'm really depressed.
00:25:43 You guys have vents in your ceiling?
00:25:47 - Yeah.
00:25:50 - Then I'm getting us out of here.
00:25:53 That guy's watching us on the cameras.
00:25:55 He'll see everything we do.
00:26:05 Not if he doesn't see what we're doing.
00:26:16 Just go to sleep, you little monsters.
00:26:38 - Okay, phase one finished?
00:26:40 - Check.
00:26:41 Okay. On to phase two.
00:26:43 What was the worst Christmas gift
00:26:46 That's easy. My brother Frank gave me
00:26:50 Hated it.
00:26:52 - What was it?
00:26:54 Ready? Go.
00:27:00 What the...?
00:27:07 Stupid cheap cameras.
00:27:25 Doesn't get any better than this.
00:27:37 Oh, we're supposed
00:27:50 - I win!
00:27:52 What?
00:27:54 Who needs Hawaii?
00:28:04 What?
00:28:18 Donna? Are you okay?
00:28:21 It's really small in here.
00:28:23 I know. It's great, isn't it?
00:28:26 Charlie, just because you compensate for
00:28:30 ...yourself into small, womb-like spaces
00:28:36 What?
00:28:39 Donna, I won't let anything
00:28:41 I promise.
00:28:43 Thanks.
00:28:52 Oh, Charlie, you didn't.
00:28:55 Sorry, I get nervous.
00:28:59 Oh, Charlie.
00:29:01 Yeah, can we hold all of those until
00:29:04 Will do.
00:29:18 - Where are you going?
00:29:20 Trust me.
00:29:25 Charlie!
00:29:28 Charlie, please tell me you're okay.
00:29:32 Hey, Donna.
00:29:37 This is where Mr. Porter
00:29:45 Hey, hey!
00:29:47 Wake up!
00:29:49 Wake up! Check the rooms, you idiots!
00:30:17 Does this mean we can go on break?
00:30:28 All clear.
00:30:35 I don't think any planes...
00:30:36 ...are gonna be flying today.
00:30:39 Looks like we'll be spending
00:30:43 Sounds good to me.
00:30:57 Is that...?
00:31:06 Oh, my gosh.
00:31:21 Man, wasn't easy getting this
00:31:31 It's Christmas.
00:31:32 You know what, guys?
00:31:35 I've got an idea.
00:31:52 Let's do this.
00:32:02 And then I said, "That is my food."
00:32:04 Donna, how did you get here?
00:32:07 Van Bourke...
00:32:10 ...we need your help.
00:32:16 I need a list of all the kids
00:32:19 ...and the passengers
00:32:21 Okay, this one's mine
00:32:25 Can you also please get the unaccompanied
00:32:31 Oh, one more thing.
00:32:47 I guess I owe you a congratulations.
00:32:50 As promised.
00:32:53 Who trained you kids, the Navy SEALs?
00:32:56 Look, sir, just... Divorce kids are
00:33:00 Any chance you can tell me
00:33:03 Something nice. You know, nothing bad.
00:33:06 Any chance of you trusting me
00:33:10 I was just doing my job.
00:33:13 Just like I've just been doing my job
00:33:19 Bet your family hates it
00:33:21 Not much of a problem,
00:33:27 That why you don't put up
00:33:29 Well, let's just say
00:33:33 We were just, you know,
00:33:36 - We thought you'd care.
00:33:39 This is an airport.
00:33:42 - So?
00:33:47 There's one thing I don't get.
00:33:49 I bump you off your planes...
00:33:51 ...and I keep you
00:33:55 Why do you guys seem
00:34:00 Because you didn't keep us from our family.
00:34:07 Right.
00:34:10 I got it.
00:34:14 Mr. Porter.
00:34:18 We got you something.
00:34:20 Sorry we wrecked your vacation.
00:34:53 Almost there.
00:34:57 Highway mileage, not city... Oh, come on!
00:34:59 Why?! I've already filled you up
00:35:04 How can you drink so much?!
00:35:39 Good morning.
00:35:40 Merry Christmas! Everybody up!
00:36:20 Happy holidays, everyone.
00:36:52 Merry Christmas, Katherine.
00:36:53 Spencer.
00:36:55 - Spencer, Spencer.
00:36:59 Spencer, look what Santa brought me.
00:37:01 He even brought back Sir Poops-A-Lot.
00:37:03 Santa's a nice guy, huh?
00:37:10 Santa came back.
00:37:13 It's Santa.
00:37:17 - Who is that?
00:37:22 I hope you've all been
00:37:27 Okay. Okay. Stay with me.
00:37:30 - Yes.
00:37:31 Get me a chair, you idiot.
00:37:35 - Here you go, Santa, sir.
00:37:40 I'm looking for Owen Marks.
00:37:43 I'm Owen Marks.
00:37:44 - Well, merry Christmas, Owen Marks.
00:37:49 Oh, you're welcome, Owen.
00:37:52 You're not, like, gonna be scared
00:37:55 Not after the night I just had.
00:37:57 Wait! Wait, wait, wait for me! Wait for me.
00:38:01 - Merry Christmas.
00:38:05 Man, I'm glad you guys
00:38:07 There was a dead mouse in my costume.
00:38:12 - Dad?
00:38:15 Merry Christmas, pumpkin!
00:38:18 You drove from Pennsylvania for us?
00:38:21 Of course I did, Spence. I'm your dad.
00:38:23 Through a blizzard? In your car?
00:38:28 Yeah. Actually, I...
00:38:30 I drove a Humvee.
00:38:32 A Hummer! You drove a Hummer
00:38:36 ...in a blizzard just to see us.
00:38:38 Yeah, yeah. But, hey, let's just
00:38:41 I take back everything
00:38:46 Wait, what...?
00:38:49 Alan Davies!
00:38:55 I'm...
00:38:56 Actually, it's...
00:38:58 Sorry, I'm 36.
00:38:59 You're at an airport alone
00:39:04 Yes, Santa, I am.
00:39:05 Well, Alan, come on over
00:39:13 Awesome. I'd love a present.
00:39:17 - A basketball.
00:39:21 Check this out. I used to be an all-star.
00:39:26 I have a lot of presents to give away,
00:39:31 ...I just wanna thank my friends over there
00:39:35 If they actually worked for Santa...
00:39:37 ...they'd be fired so fast
00:39:40 But they did a wonderful job
00:39:44 And since they did,
00:39:48 ...that they'll be flying out of here
00:39:52 Merry Christmas!
00:39:56 - You're friends with Santa?
00:40:00 I guess I am.
00:40:21 Hi.
00:40:23 Do you like dolls?
00:40:25 I don't know.
00:40:29 I am 12, you know.
00:40:32 Did you know that I found
00:40:37 You did? How?
00:40:40 Let me tell you a little story
00:40:43 Okay.
00:40:46 It all started on a cold, stormy night.
00:40:50 Me and Aquaman started trudging
00:40:53 Yeah. Yeah, Mom. We're fine.
00:40:55 You know, it turned out that it wasn't
00:41:01 In fact it was...
00:41:05 So...
00:41:07 Yeah, I'll call again
00:41:11 Mom?
00:41:14 I...
00:41:15 I love you.
00:41:20 Her name is Lady Sleeps-A-Lot.
00:41:32 Oh, Val, what's wrong?
00:41:34 Oh, my gosh. Are the kids okay?
00:41:37 - Honey?
00:41:40 Well, is he all right?
00:41:42 He said that he loved me.
00:41:48 Oh, criminy, Val.
00:41:52 Do you know how ridiculous you look?
00:41:56 Really.
00:42:06 So it's all right if I call you sometime?
00:42:10 Why do you think I gave you
00:42:19 It was nice meeting you, Donna.
00:42:33 Man, you're so hot!
00:42:36 Yeah, I know.
00:42:40 Other side. The middle.
00:42:43 Down low. Too slow.
00:42:45 I should have noticed because "too slow"
00:42:50 Why didn't I see that coming?
00:42:52 Well, hope you have a nice Christmas.
00:42:55 How could I not?
00:42:56 Got the whole place to myself.
00:43:05 Yeah, you know, I was sort of thinking.
00:43:08 Maybe if you don't wanna go home
00:43:11 ...you know, maybe you could...
00:43:13 ...I don't know, spend Christmas with...
00:43:16 ...my dad and my sister and me.
00:43:25 Took you long enough, noodle-head.
00:43:28 Come on.
00:43:34 Oh, hey.
00:43:37 I kind of maxed out my cards