Bald

en
00:00:09 [Women moaning]
00:00:29 [Cartoony bouncing sounds]
00:00:45 [Tearing sound]
00:00:47 Oh my God, I think he's going bald.
00:00:49 [Women screaming]
00:00:51 [All screaming]
00:01:01 I'm 20 years old, and
00:01:05 Every day, it thins more and more.
00:01:08 My best friend Max says
00:01:11 but I know that's not true.
00:01:12 If I was rich, I could
00:01:16 or one of those serious
00:01:19 But I'm not rich.
00:01:21 I'm bald.
00:01:48 Come on Growpecia, I've
00:01:50 Start working.
00:01:54 I used to get all the girlies.
00:01:56 Now I barely get kitty cat once a month.
00:01:59 I tried stopping my hair loss.
00:02:01 Nothing works.
00:02:03 This doesn't work either.
00:02:05 I need the brush Jack Nicholson
00:02:08 That thing was incredible.
00:02:09 Come to think of it, Jack
00:02:13 I'm gonna have to wear a hat every day
00:02:16 for the rest of my life.
00:02:40 Print my paper, smoke my ten paper,
00:02:44 get to class.
00:02:48 People will notice you
00:02:54 Good morning, little buddy.
00:02:55 Hey, is this... is this
00:02:57 'cause it's working.
00:02:58 Will you get out of
00:03:00 You're gonna stink up my clothes.
00:03:02 My shuttle's leaving in five minutes.
00:03:04 Now, did you finish your paper?
00:03:06 It's not due today.
00:03:08 [Laughs]
00:03:11 You wore those pants last week.
00:03:15 Well, hello, the B.
00:03:17 You coming to class today?
00:03:18 We got four hecklers for Psych.
00:03:21 The B will be there.
00:03:30 Motherfucker.
00:03:38 Ooh, I wish I'd slept
00:03:41 Shh.
00:03:42 Looking good, ladies.
00:03:44 Looking good.
00:03:51 Max, I'm gonna kick your ass.
00:03:55 When'd you make these?
00:03:56 Last night.
00:03:58 What time?
00:03:59 I don't know, like, 3:30.
00:04:01 Why, do you like them?
00:04:03 They're exceptional.
00:04:04 Ladies, I really think
00:04:08 I can't believe you're saying that.
00:04:10 When we made it, we were
00:04:12 I always told you,
00:04:13 a true artist works best at night.
00:04:16 You guys are gonna be huge.
00:04:19 Trust me.
00:04:21 Wait, have you come up with
00:04:25 Cynthia and I really need
00:04:27 I'm working on it.
00:04:29 What's taking you so long?
00:04:30 Oh, don't worry.
00:04:31 See, the subconscious part of my brain
00:04:33 has been working overtime
00:04:35 so any minute now, my idea is gonna pop.
00:04:38 Everyone says you're a genius.
00:04:40 Why aren't you making any money, genius?
00:04:42 Oh, I will.
00:04:43 See, every man just
00:04:48 It's on the way.
00:04:49 Hmm.
00:04:50 Well, when you come up
00:04:53 - You do?
00:04:54 Shouldn't be a problem.
00:04:56 Ladies, it's the good
00:04:59 It's the great things
00:05:01 Shuttle's leaving, two minutes.
00:05:07 I kind of like him.
00:05:09 I know.
00:05:11 I slept with him once.
00:05:13 Really?
00:05:15 And how was he?
00:05:16 Incredible.
00:05:17 The best male sex I've ever had.
00:05:19 [Laughs]
00:05:46 Oh.
00:05:50 Unhand that dweeb.
00:05:52 Look at him; he's nothing.
00:05:54 Everybody, those guys are probably gay.
00:05:58 [Extremely loud belching]
00:06:17 Now, you get to class, little buddy.
00:06:20 Go save the world.
00:06:30 [Indistinct whispering]
00:06:48 Look at his bald head.
00:06:51 Got no hair.
00:06:54 [Laughter]
00:07:04 I've got more hair on my balls.
00:07:07 Hey, pal.
00:07:09 Got no hair.
00:07:34 Let's make this quick.
00:07:45 Hello, operator?
00:07:46 Yes, I'm trying to buy some security.
00:07:49 Yes, I'm very insecure.
00:07:51 Oh, you have some in stock.
00:07:53 Great.
00:07:54 No, no, no, I'll take it now.
00:08:05 Is everybody ready?
00:08:07 Is y'all motherfuckers ready?
00:08:08 Y'all gladiators?
00:08:09 We're gonna turn the heat up
00:08:12 Whoo!
00:08:13 Those are some big ass titties!
00:08:15 Little thirsty.
00:08:17 I want to take the morning after pill
00:08:19 before I go out at night.
00:08:21 That way, I'll be ahead of the game.
00:08:23 Mm-hmm.
00:08:26 What the fuck?
00:08:28 Make sure you ain't got no bomb
00:08:31 Is cum fattening?
00:08:33 I hope Coach partners
00:08:36 I just want to rub up all against him.
00:08:41 Good thing I told the coach.
00:08:42 Turn it up.
00:08:44 Sit your ass down.
00:08:45 I wonder if anyone knows I've
00:08:49 I think I have a problem.
00:08:50 God, that girl's
00:08:53 She's blown, like, seven
00:08:57 But more importantly,
00:09:00 then I'll be kicked out of school.
00:09:02 Someone's looking at my bald spot.
00:09:04 Yo, Max.
00:09:06 Yo, fuckin' Andy.
00:09:07 What up, B?
00:09:08 Hey, made a new film.
00:09:10 We're gonna watch it tonight.
00:09:11 Man, you know I love
00:09:16 Morning, everyone.
00:09:18 I have your papers with me,
00:09:19 and I'll be handing them
00:09:21 How'd we do?
00:09:22 Did anyone pass?
00:09:23 Did anyone fail?
00:09:24 Is my brother gay?
00:09:25 You all did moderately well.
00:09:26 Who had the highest grade?
00:09:28 Who had the lowest grade?
00:09:30 Make a meal out of a blowjob.
00:09:31 Silence!
00:09:32 [Flatulent sound]
00:09:34 - I'll eat your ass!
00:09:36 - A whore!
00:09:39 I promise you, you will
00:09:41 and expelled from the school.
00:09:42 Fuck you!
00:09:44 [Belches loudly]
00:09:51 I do have talent, and
00:09:57 I'm bald and out of school.
00:09:59 I officially have nothing to live for.
00:10:02 Not true.
00:10:04 For five grand, you can
00:10:07 I've seen the website.
00:10:09 It's real.
00:10:10 I don't think you're listening to me.
00:10:12 I'm kicked out of school,
00:10:14 You know, maybe taking
00:10:17 would be good for you.
00:10:18 Lat time I took a break,
00:10:21 Now my life is perfect.
00:10:23 Maybe if you spent less time
00:10:25 organizing the destruction of the class
00:10:27 and spent more time doing your homework,
00:10:29 you wouldn't be in this situation.
00:10:31 Baby, you are so cute.
00:10:34 Come here.
00:10:37 I wonder if they fist each other?
00:10:40 Hey, hey, Drew, huh?
00:10:42 Wake the fuck up, huh, buddy?
00:10:43 I'm awake.
00:10:45 I was just thinking
00:10:46 What? Lesbian duos?
00:10:48 No.
00:10:50 I was thinking about what
00:10:52 Ah, fuck those clowns.
00:10:54 Man, those niggas don't know you.
00:10:56 Yeah, thanks the B.
00:10:57 But that's not gonna help me right now.
00:11:02 Hey, guys.
00:11:03 What's up, O. B?
00:11:04 You're late.
00:11:05 What's wrong with Andy?
00:11:06 Oh, he just got kicked out of school,
00:11:09 and he's broke.
00:11:10 So what's up with
00:11:12 Soon.
00:11:13 Soon.
00:11:15 Come into this love, buddy.
00:11:17 I'm going bald, O.B.
00:11:19 So?
00:11:20 I had my first heart attack
00:11:23 Life's embarrassing.
00:11:25 That's not so bad.
00:11:29 My mom and her bridge club found me.
00:11:32 Woodsy.
00:11:33 What?
00:11:34 You don't have to worry
00:11:37 Man, they got this Japanese
00:11:40 This motherfucker figured out a way
00:11:42 to make hair grow on your head
00:11:44 by using dead hair from your anus.
00:11:46 That doesn't help me.
00:11:48 Well, it should.
00:11:49 Ah, fuck it.
00:11:52 I'm a great guy with a lot to offer.
00:11:54 If a girl doesn't want to be with me
00:11:56 just because I have a few less
00:11:59 who needs her?
00:12:06 Oh, Woodsy.
00:12:09 You like her?
00:12:10 Yes.
00:12:11 And call me Andrew.
00:12:13 Would you have sex with her?
00:12:16 Of course I would.
00:12:20 I, Andrew Wood.
00:12:22 That's my nigga.
00:12:24 Motherfuckin' nigga.
00:12:25 What the fuck?
00:12:28 Hold up!
00:12:33 Where you going in such a hurry?
00:12:34 Please don't look at my hairline.
00:12:36 Please don't look at my hairline.
00:12:37 It's over.
00:12:39 She saw my bald spot.
00:12:41 I'm going to my physics class.
00:12:46 Physics.
00:12:48 You're studying to be an astronaut.
00:12:50 No.
00:12:51 Do you even know what physics is?
00:12:54 Oh, yeah, physics.
00:12:55 Physics is the study of matter, and...
00:12:58 Let's see how long it takes
00:13:02 Those things are huge.
00:13:03 I need to suck 'em or at
00:13:05 Girl, if you knew
00:13:08 Hello?
00:13:10 My head's up here.
00:13:12 Oh.
00:13:14 Sorry, I was...
00:13:15 Maybe you should ask what my name is.
00:13:18 What's your name?
00:13:20 My name's Caroline.
00:13:22 But I have to head to class,
00:13:23 so I'll see you around, Andrew Wood.
00:13:29 How did you know what my name was?
00:13:31 Devon told me.
00:13:33 Devon.
00:13:34 He was my ultra homosexual friend.
00:13:37 From the moment this boy was born,
00:13:38 all he could think about
00:13:41 He had helped me before,
00:13:42 and surely he would help me again.
00:13:45 Where would I be without Devon?
00:13:47 Good old, ultra homosexual Devon.
00:13:51 [Knocks on door]
00:13:52 - Who is it?
00:13:54 I need your help with something.
00:13:56 Andy pants, Andy pants,
00:14:00 Oh, and you brought Max with you.
00:14:02 How's it going, butterball?
00:14:03 Good, Devon.
00:14:04 I'm always good.
00:14:09 Ooh.
00:14:11 You ladies hear about the perverted jock
00:14:13 on the wrestling team?
00:14:14 No, what happened?
00:14:15 Well, apparently...
00:14:16 a player was kicked off the team
00:14:19 for rubbing up against
00:14:20 [Laughter]
00:14:22 See, during their last practice,
00:14:23 he rubbed his manhood...
00:14:26 so hard up against the
00:14:28 that it bruised him.
00:14:30 My only complaint, that
00:14:33 You'd suck him sideways,
00:14:36 I can't believe you just thought that.
00:14:37 This is the 21st century.
00:14:38 Grow up and apologize.
00:14:40 I'm sorry, Devon.
00:14:41 I'm so sorry.
00:14:43 Sorry, why?
00:14:46 Why are you sorry?
00:14:47 Why don't you sit down, Dev?
00:14:50 I can't.
00:14:52 Jesse pounded me so hard last night,
00:14:53 it hurts when I sit.
00:14:55 Now, why do you let him do that?
00:14:57 It's not classy.
00:14:58 I know.
00:14:59 I mean, he's just such
00:15:01 trying to prove how strong
00:15:05 It really hurts now.
00:15:07 So, Andrew, why were
00:15:12 I was thinking hateful,
00:15:14 and I feel ashamed.
00:15:16 Oh, it was nothing.
00:15:19 I am sorry to hear
00:15:21 Oh, don't you worry about it.
00:15:24 It will heal.
00:15:25 [Laughs]
00:15:29 So.
00:15:30 [Gasps]
00:15:33 Hoo!
00:15:35 So what kind of girl do you want?
00:15:38 You want blonde,
00:15:40 Ooh, ebony queen.
00:15:42 No, no, no, no, this girl knows me.
00:15:45 She said you told her my name.
00:15:47 Well, you're gonna have to give me
00:15:49 a little more info than that, sweetie.
00:15:50 She's got dark hair,
00:15:54 young face,
00:15:56 and classic teardrop titties.
00:15:58 How big?
00:15:59 Weak C.
00:16:01 C?
00:16:02 No, flip back to the B section.
00:16:04 C sounds too big.
00:16:05 Do no such thing.
00:16:06 I got a good look at 'em, saw the cup.
00:16:09 A weak C.
00:16:10 How could you know that?
00:16:11 You only saw her for a second.
00:16:13 Is this the girl?
00:16:15 - Yes.
00:16:17 Told you.
00:16:18 Wow.
00:16:20 How many girls you got in this book?
00:16:23 It's incredible.
00:16:25 Amazing.
00:16:26 Thank you.
00:16:28 Okay, her name is Caroline Goldman.
00:16:30 Okay, she's had four boyfriends,
00:16:32 and I think she wants
00:16:36 Whoa, for a fling
00:16:38 Don't know, beats the shit out of me.
00:16:40 How do you know this?
00:16:41 Well, we were talking
00:16:43 I just only didn't say
00:16:45 figured she wasn't your type.
00:16:47 So do you want her phone
00:16:50 Why was she asking about Max?
00:16:52 Honey, we were watching
00:16:55 and she asked.
00:16:57 Well, how do you know
00:16:59 Because, baby cakes, she
00:17:04 Who's a pretty?
00:17:06 Well, then, yeah, yeah,
00:17:09 Okay.
00:17:11 You know, I love watching you work.
00:17:12 What?
00:17:13 What's wrong with me
00:17:15 Nothing's wrong with it,
00:17:16 but I don't want you yelling at her
00:17:17 when you think she's
00:17:19 That only happened twice,
00:17:21 and both times the bitches
00:17:24 Easy, ladies.
00:17:25 Loud noises upset me.
00:17:26 - Sorry, Devon.
00:17:28 It's all right.
00:17:31 However, there is
00:17:34 What do you need?
00:17:35 I want that sweet wrestler's name.
00:17:38 I want to know where he's at.
00:17:39 Consider it done.
00:17:41 I'll find it tonight on messenger.
00:17:42 Yes, go!
00:17:43 Go and find me... find me my lost boy.
00:17:47 Holy shit.
00:17:49 Who is that?
00:17:51 I still need to find out a
00:17:54 The only way I'm gonna
00:17:55 is to pay off the dean,
00:17:57 and I mean pay him off so hard
00:17:59 that he even fixes my transcript.
00:18:00 First I want to say good-bye
00:18:02 a true, true ladies man.
00:18:05 I respect you.
00:18:07 See you ladies later, and don't forget:
00:18:10 Everyone's gay; it's all mental.
00:18:12 Free your mind.
00:18:13 Shake it, shake it, shake it.
00:18:21 [Knocks on door]
00:18:22 Come in.
00:18:32 What's wrong, brittlely bones?
00:18:33 I need money.
00:18:34 Max, I can't live like this anymore.
00:18:36 I think I'm gonna have to move home.
00:18:38 Can't have that.
00:18:40 What am I gonna do?
00:18:41 I don't have next month's rent,
00:18:43 and pretty soon, I won't have
00:18:45 Does that stuff really work?
00:18:46 Yes.
00:18:48 It just takes time.
00:18:49 What do you need money for?
00:18:51 So that I can buy
00:18:53 and hopefully one day
00:18:59 You would do that, huh?
00:19:01 You would let a doctor
00:19:02 and transfer the hairs?
00:19:04 Not just any doctor.
00:19:06 I want the guy who did
00:19:09 - He's going bald?
00:19:11 And that's my point.
00:19:12 No one can tell.
00:19:15 I'm running out of time, Max.
00:19:18 People are laughing
00:19:20 and... and the ones who don't
00:19:25 My days are numbered.
00:19:28 Help me.
00:19:29 Please help me, Max.
00:19:30 Give me an hour.
00:19:35 One hour.
00:19:37 I feel an idea a-brewing.
00:19:39 What do I do until then?
00:19:40 Go.
00:19:41 Go to Caroline's.
00:19:42 You place an investigation on her tilly.
00:19:46 Go.
00:19:47 When you come back in
00:19:50 we're gonna be in business.
00:19:52 Go.
00:19:57 [Screams]
00:19:59 Oh, my.
00:20:00 Eww.
00:20:02 He's disgusting.
00:20:03 I never want to go to your house.
00:20:05 Thank you, Max.
00:20:07 How's my hair?
00:20:08 My favorite is still
00:20:12 Maybe 'cause it's got
00:20:14 and I loved to get boomed
00:20:17 You really love cock, man.
00:20:19 Oh, you know it.
00:20:21 Well, you'll be happy to hear
00:20:22 I have the perverted
00:20:25 Turns out he's in our Psych class.
00:20:26 Oh, gimme.
00:20:28 His name is Joey Powers,
00:20:31 he's practically ready
00:20:33 Oh, well, if he
00:20:35 I'll break that closet
00:20:41 Ride 'em, cowgirl.
00:20:42 Where's he at?
00:20:43 Sixth floor.
00:20:44 You're lying.
00:20:45 No.
00:20:53 Andrew, I need you to
00:20:56 Can you come to my room?
00:20:57 Yeah.
00:20:59 Yeah, sure, I can fix it.
00:21:00 I could also eat your ass.
00:21:02 You hear me?
00:21:03 I will eat your ass.
00:21:06 I will eat it!
00:21:17 Is this bitch working for bin Laden?
00:21:19 Sorry about my room.
00:21:20 I'm in the nuclear development program,
00:21:21 and I love history.
00:21:23 Did you know that Albert
00:21:25 - Really?
00:21:26 Yeah, Jews are hysterical.
00:21:28 Oh, shit, she might be one of
00:21:32 Yeah, my mother is Jewish,
00:21:34 she used to tell me all these stories
00:21:36 about the great Albert Einstein.
00:21:38 I bet she did.
00:21:39 Houston, this is Andrew Wood.
00:21:40 Come in, please, over.
00:21:42 This is Houston. Go ahead, Andrew.
00:21:44 Yeah, I need clearance for a fly out.
00:21:45 What's your equipment, son?
00:21:47 - I got a half
00:21:50 Proceed with caution
00:21:51 and make sure not to
00:21:53 Thanks, Houston.
00:21:55 Houston?
00:21:56 What are you talking about?
00:21:57 Oh.
00:21:59 Uh, nothing.
00:22:00 You do that a lot.
00:22:02 What?
00:22:03 I don't know what they call it.
00:22:04 You just kind of wander
00:22:07 That's because I'm going
00:22:09 In another six months,
00:22:10 I'll be as bald as
00:22:15 But then again, Jude's hairline
00:22:17 and general thickness has
00:22:20 Maybe he had a hair transplant.
00:22:23 This is why I have to go to Hollywood.
00:22:27 - Hello, Andrew?
00:22:29 You're really weird.
00:22:31 But I like you.
00:22:33 You look like Ross...
00:22:35 from Friends.
00:22:39 And Ross is sexy.
00:22:45 Stay focused.
00:22:46 If you want head,
00:22:47 you're gonna have to eat her out first.
00:22:53 Oh, Lord, you are too good to me.
00:22:56 From now on, I'm gonna
00:22:58 to be a better person.
00:23:00 Bikity.
00:23:01 What?
00:23:05 You are so beautiful.
00:23:12 [Also Sprach Zarathustra plays]
00:23:21 And those are the biggest
00:23:50 Please don't smell bad.
00:23:51 Please don't smell bad.
00:23:53 If it tastes like trout, get out.
00:23:55 If it tastes like
00:23:58 Blast off.
00:23:59 Houston, we have ignition.
00:24:02 It tastes like chicken.
00:24:05 Thank you, Lord.
00:24:06 I'm gonna eat this one for you.
00:24:08 Abigail.
00:24:12 What's wrong, O. B?
00:24:14 I just can't take it anymore.
00:24:16 Uh... oh, not again.
00:24:18 You sit down.
00:24:19 You sit down.
00:24:22 We're about to smoke a bucket of weed.
00:24:24 You should have seen it, Max.
00:24:27 They were laughing at me.
00:24:29 They were making fun of me.
00:24:31 Someone even threw something at me, man.
00:24:33 Where were you?
00:24:34 Chicken Shack.
00:24:35 Damn it.
00:24:37 Why do people have to be so cold?
00:24:39 One guy yelled out, "Hey, Lardo.
00:24:43 "You're a real fat pig, aren't you?
00:24:45 You fat pig."
00:24:47 But I'll kill him.
00:24:50 I'll become the bulk, and
00:24:53 You take this out on Mr. Bong.
00:24:55 # Yes, I'm lonely #
00:24:58 # Oh, so lonely #
00:25:02 # If I could only #
00:25:05 # Ride the pony #
00:25:07 # Find a woman #
00:25:08 # I'll start doing the Jamaican jerk #
00:25:13 You think this is
00:25:15 Don't be ridiculous.
00:25:17 You got the heart of an elephant.
00:25:19 You hit this 50 times, fast.
00:25:27 # My friends are all laughing #
00:25:31 # My love life is a joke #
00:25:35 # I forget all my problems #
00:25:39 # And take another toke #
00:25:43 # Romance ain't no worry #
00:25:47 # When you're getting high #
00:25:51 # So I ain't in no hurry #
00:25:54 # My hand will get me by #
00:25:57 # Yes, I'm lonely #
00:26:00 [coughs]
00:26:04 Oh, that's delicious.
00:26:08 Do you have any sodas?
00:26:10 That is a luxury
00:26:13 Max.
00:26:14 We have a question.
00:26:16 Ladies.
00:26:19 I think you just saved
00:26:22 Will you give me a second?
00:26:29 O.B.
00:26:32 One day when I make my money,
00:26:34 me and you are gonna open
00:26:36 And what are we gonna call that?
00:26:38 The Ultimate Biscuit.
00:26:40 Yeah.
00:26:41 And when people meet
00:26:43 "Dude, meet me at the
00:26:45 We'll only serve gigantic portions,
00:26:48 and only the most gigantic people
00:26:50 will be allowed to work there.
00:26:51 God, a place where I
00:26:54 This sounds wonderful, man.
00:26:55 The walls will be decorated
00:26:57 with posters of obese people
00:27:01 And the centerpiece is gonna be
00:27:03 an all-you-can-eat bar
00:27:07 - Pudding.
00:27:09 And it won't be a bar, no.
00:27:11 This will be an island.
00:27:13 Your words are like
00:27:16 When will they be so?
00:27:19 Soon, my portly friend, soon.
00:27:23 Ladies, once upon a time,
00:27:25 you said you wanted to be a
00:27:28 - Mm-hmm.
00:27:30 - Yeah.
00:27:32 Well, it's gonna require
00:27:35 And why would I do that?
00:27:37 Not just you.
00:27:38 Shirtless Cynthia too.
00:27:40 What are you talking about?
00:27:42 I'm talking about the future.
00:27:44 You can open up a
00:27:46 if you listen to me.
00:27:47 All I need are your bodies, your trust,
00:27:50 and your phone tree of hot women.
00:27:55 Well, how many do you need?
00:27:56 Well, how many can you bring?
00:27:59 60 to 100.
00:28:00 [Coughs]
00:28:02 We start tomorrow.
00:28:04 200 boobies in one day
00:28:07 is something every
00:28:09 and if not that, they
00:28:12 People.
00:28:13 This is gonna be a celebration,
00:28:16 a celebration of the human body.
00:28:18 What can I do to help, Max?
00:28:19 You're gonna be head
00:28:21 Oh, the B rules.
00:28:24 Give me your dad's credit card.
00:28:25 Hmm?
00:28:36 The fuck is going on here?
00:28:43 Max, where are you?
00:28:45 In the basement.
00:28:46 Come on down, little buddy.
00:28:55 Hi.
00:28:58 What's this?
00:29:00 This is your new business.
00:29:02 Welcome to the big time, little buddy.
00:29:04 What is it?
00:29:05 Have a seat.
00:29:08 Have a drink.
00:29:09 I want to explain something to you.
00:29:12 For years now, I have watched
00:29:15 while I just stood idly by.
00:29:17 Well, all that's gonna change, Woodsy,
00:29:19 because me and you,
00:29:21 we're going into the adult
00:29:23 Go on.
00:29:24 This equipment you see before you
00:29:25 will be used to service lonely men,
00:29:28 and in some cases, women too.
00:29:30 How?
00:29:31 Look around you,
00:29:33 I don't know, lingerie and dildos.
00:29:36 See, it might not
00:29:38 but I guarantee you,
00:29:40 All we got to do is put girls
00:29:43 and the money will
00:29:45 and into our bank accounts.
00:29:47 You know what my
00:29:49 if they found out?
00:29:50 In the words of the
00:29:53 You said you needed to make some money.
00:29:54 Well, this operation
00:29:57 If some guy logs on and sees
00:30:00 bam,
00:30:01 that is $1,000 into our bank account.
00:30:03 Max, you're wasting your time.
00:30:06 No one's gonna spend $1,000
00:30:08 You're right.
00:30:09 They pay $2,000.
00:30:11 I did my research, Woodsy,
00:30:14 The 10,000 other websites
00:30:16 charge up to $2,500.
00:30:18 And most of them don't
00:30:21 I got us the clearest
00:30:24 Would you stop doing that?
00:30:26 Each camera you see before you
00:30:31 In laymen terms, that
00:30:34 of tits, ass, dildos, and hair pie.
00:30:38 And what happens when we get caught?
00:30:39 Get caught?
00:30:41 Not even illegal.
00:30:43 It might be a little bit wrong,
00:30:44 but Heather and Shirtless
00:30:47 with a truckload of women,
00:30:48 and our only responsibility
00:30:50 is to watch 'em get naked and pay 'em.
00:30:58 Sign right there.
00:30:59 Well, what's this?
00:31:00 This is your personal contract.
00:31:02 What does it say?
00:31:03 It says you, Andrew Wood, are a CEO.
00:31:07 I always wanted to be a CEO.
00:31:09 Now's your chance.
00:31:11 Sign.
00:31:20 Now, you get some sleep, Mr. President,
00:31:22 'cause tomorrow's gonna be a long day
00:31:24 of watching girls
00:31:25 It's called the recruitment process.
00:31:27 Maybe I was crazy for trusting him,
00:31:29 or maybe I wasn't.
00:31:31 Thanks.
00:31:32 It's just like Morgan Freeman once said.
00:31:34 Get busy living or get busy dying.
00:31:38 I choose the first one.
00:31:49 [Coughs]
00:32:08 [Screams]
00:32:22 So what makes you think
00:32:24 getting undressed for other people?
00:32:26 I do it all the time anyway.
00:32:29 And I like to discipline too.
00:32:32 You're hired.
00:32:34 Next.
00:32:36 Do you have any problems
00:32:38 Oh, not at all.
00:32:41 I brought along my punisher with me.
00:32:44 [Together] Whoa.
00:32:47 Do you want to see me swallow this
00:32:49 or shall I hide it in my huckleberry?
00:32:51 [Together] Ooh.
00:32:53 You're hired.
00:32:55 Next.
00:32:56 I'll suck the roof off your dick.
00:32:58 - Hired.
00:33:00 Well, I'm a virgin,
00:33:02 and I think this is the
00:33:04 You're hired.
00:33:05 Cocks!
00:33:07 You're hired. Next.
00:33:09 Yes!
00:33:12 I like to ride big,
00:33:14 hard,
00:33:16 strong, wet bulls,
00:33:20 but longer than eight seconds.
00:33:27 You're hired.
00:33:29 Next.
00:33:30 I can break-dance on a cucumber.
00:33:32 Interesting.
00:33:33 You can put a piece of coal in my ass
00:33:36 and pound it into a diamond.
00:33:39 You must be a millionaire.
00:33:41 You're hired.
00:33:42 I once had 13 orgasms.
00:33:45 Hired.
00:33:46 Yay!
00:33:47 I'll suck your dickses.
00:33:50 I don't think I
00:33:52 Were we supposed to
00:33:54 How many do we have?
00:33:55 105.
00:33:56 At this rate, we can go for 24 hours.
00:33:59 I thought I was gonna get stuck
00:34:00 with some boring job for years.
00:34:01 Now I'm actually excited
00:34:10 [Awkward cheering]
00:34:11 [Upbeat rock music]
00:36:57 Everything is going perfect.
00:37:00 I paid my way back into
00:37:04 and Caroline is actually
00:37:08 I even have an
00:37:10 who did Matthew
00:37:12 That's right, Matthew McConaughey,
00:37:16 hair transplant.
00:37:19 Mine's this summer,
00:37:31 Cat box, that was a clever name.
00:37:33 Max came up with it for the website.
00:37:35 He said it had a double meaning.
00:37:37 It was probably because
00:37:40 that Max had to go and screw it all up.
00:37:43 For the rest of my life,
00:37:45 I will never be able to face my mother.
00:37:54 Prepare the great hall,
00:37:58 cameramen, performers, hackers, anyone,
00:38:01 anyone who's ever worked for us.
00:38:09 Yes.
00:38:16 I better get a business suit.
00:38:19 Tomorrow, I could be a billionaire.
00:38:32 Good evening.
00:38:33 Friends, I want to thank all
00:38:36 but first, actually, I
00:38:39 He catered tonight's party.
00:38:40 Food's delicious.
00:38:41 Way to go, buddy.
00:38:43 The B rules.
00:38:44 [Cheers and applause]
00:38:48 So I bet you're wondering
00:38:50 and organized this party,
00:38:52 but first I'd love to tell you
00:38:54 how much I appreciate
00:38:56 And congratulate yourselves,
00:38:58 because we made this money
00:39:01 [Cheers and applause]
00:39:07 Soon, soon.
00:39:09 Soon we will, believe me.
00:39:11 But first, I really want to tell you
00:39:14 I owe all my success to
00:39:18 So if any of you feel uncomfortable
00:39:19 with the proposal I'm about to make,
00:39:21 feel free to walk, no questions asked.
00:39:23 [Indistinct whispering]
00:39:26 People, people, calm down.
00:39:29 You haven't heard my proposal yet.
00:39:32 About two hours ago,
00:39:33 I received an email from
00:39:38 Behind this sheet is a picture
00:39:45 [Gasps]
00:39:47 That's disgusting.
00:39:48 Calm down, people...
00:39:52 'cause this is how much you're
00:39:55 [Flatulent sound]
00:39:58 Any questions?
00:40:02 So I guess from your silence...
00:40:05 you're not interested, right?
00:40:07 - Of course.
00:40:08 Forget the party.
00:40:09 Let's do it tonight.
00:40:11 For that much money, I'd
00:40:17 Okay.
00:40:18 People, we'll start tomorrow, 9:00 A.M.
00:40:21 Full cast and crew.
00:40:23 Now it's a party, people.
00:40:24 [Cheers and applause]
00:41:06 I swear, this girl has
00:41:37 [Dog whimpers]
00:41:53 What the fuck?
00:41:54 Bitch!
00:41:59 It is now time for class.
00:42:01 Swallow this serenity tea
00:42:03 so you may have strength
00:42:05 Thanks, Hiroshi.
00:42:17 Are you guys cool rolling
00:43:00 Professor noticed you were gone.
00:43:02 Really? What'd he say?
00:43:04 Nothing major.
00:43:05 Just, "Where's the bald kid?"
00:43:07 Did I miss anything?
00:43:09 You're asking the wrong guy.
00:43:29 Today I will be
00:43:33 on what it means to show the truth.
00:43:37 Political parties and
00:43:42 our language needs to evolve
00:43:45 in order for us, you and I, to evolve.
00:43:49 Are they right?
00:43:51 Is this so?
00:43:53 I really resent the
00:43:57 major activists tree huggers.
00:44:00 Trees are living beings.
00:44:03 Hmm.
00:44:04 Miss James, is it?
00:44:08 Let me ask you a question?
00:44:10 Exactly how much marijuana do you smoke?
00:44:13 'Nuff, guy, 'nuff.
00:44:14 Silence yourself!
00:44:18 I teach this class to offer
00:44:22 If you are too stoned
00:44:25 I might have to kill you.
00:44:26 What?
00:44:28 Kill you with...
00:44:30 some extra homework.
00:44:32 [Laughs]
00:44:34 What?
00:44:35 Damn funny!
00:44:36 [Laughs]
00:44:39 Which brings me to today's lesson.
00:44:43 Is the truth racist,
00:44:44 or is it simply stating the facts?
00:44:46 You're final assignment
00:44:49 will be to construct a 5,000-word essay
00:44:53 based on the following statement.
00:45:01 "Open your lips.
00:45:03 "Widen your throat.
00:45:05 Jamaican black dick makes
00:45:08 [All gasp]
00:45:13 "Open your lips.
00:45:15 "Widen your throat.
00:45:16 Jamaican black dick makes
00:45:22 Fact...
00:45:25 or racism?
00:45:27 [Chuckles]
00:45:29 Yes.
00:45:32 Your job is to analyze this statement
00:45:35 and decide whether or not you believe,
00:45:36 yes, this statement is true,
00:45:39 or no, the statement is false.
00:45:41 # Ooh ooh #
00:45:42 # Ooh ooh ooh ooh #
00:45:43 This assignment is worth
00:45:46 Ooh?
00:45:47 And I need 16 references,
00:45:49 and no, I am not a reference.
00:45:53 Any questions?
00:45:54 I love you, sir.
00:45:56 Hmm.
00:45:57 Mr. Wood, I'm glad to see
00:46:01 I believe that your
00:46:05 Yes, sir, they certainly are.
00:46:10 I also booked an appointment
00:46:12 who did Matthew
00:46:15 That's right, hair
00:46:19 You're very weird, Mr. Wood.
00:46:23 Now that I've given you your assignment,
00:46:26 you can all leave my classroom.
00:46:28 Now!
00:46:30 I'm gonna swing by
00:46:31 you gonna come?
00:46:33 - I can't.
00:46:34 Because I'm bald, Max.
00:46:37 No, you're not.
00:46:40 [Chuckles]
00:46:44 [Knocks on door]
00:46:45 Come in.
00:46:47 Oh, hello.
00:46:48 If it isn't my two little
00:46:50 What can I do you for?
00:46:51 Do you still have both
00:46:53 I mean, Homo Abone?
00:46:55 Yes, why?
00:46:56 I need to borrow 'em.
00:46:58 Okay, I'll get 'em for you.
00:47:04 Such a weirdo request for you.
00:47:07 I thought you were only
00:47:09 and Oliver Stone movies.
00:47:12 You always got to make
00:47:14 Speaking of classics,
00:47:16 we both just saw your movie,
00:47:18 and it was fantastical.
00:47:21 It really is something, sweetheart.
00:47:23 You should be proud of yourself.
00:47:24 Oh, stop, guys.
00:47:26 Now, you didn't find it too,
00:47:29 Oh, well, other
00:47:32 You scared the cum out
00:47:37 Thanks for the videos.
00:47:38 I'm gonna go to class.
00:47:39 - All right, see you, ladies.
00:47:41 Do you know why Caroline
00:47:44 Boy, are you in trouble.
00:47:47 Caroline found about your little,
00:47:49 or should I say huge,
00:47:51 To say the least, she isn't happy.
00:47:53 Ungrateful ho.
00:47:54 How does she think I pay for
00:47:57 Well, will you tell her I'm sorry
00:48:01 Just go by her room after class,
00:48:04 and I'll make sure she talks to you.
00:48:05 Thanks, Dev.
00:48:07 It's like I always say,
00:48:08 if you want to get laid
00:48:11 make sure you have at
00:48:13 They're never too busy
00:48:16 and they're never too shy
00:48:19 In the end, gays are some
00:48:22 Make sure you bring back that movie,
00:48:25 because you know how
00:48:29 to that shower scene
00:48:30 where Macaulay Culkin
00:48:33 and burns his face.
00:48:34 [Singing operatically]
00:48:38 You lied to me.
00:48:39 You told me you made your money
00:48:42 And that's true.
00:48:43 I sell quality entertainment.
00:48:44 Did she buy that?
00:48:46 Bullshit.
00:48:47 You didn't tell me because
00:48:50 I just... I didn't want
00:48:52 Most of the time, I think I love you.
00:48:54 I can't believe I just said that.
00:48:57 I love you too, Andrew.
00:48:59 But if you lie to me
00:49:01 That means we're still together.
00:49:03 And once I get my hair transplant,
00:49:05 she'll never get mad at me again.
00:49:06 [Snaps fingers]
00:49:07 Hello? Are you listening to me?
00:49:09 I won't lie to you again.
00:49:11 You can count on it.
00:49:13 Good.
00:49:14 How much money did you make, anyway?
00:49:16 Enough to buy the school.
00:49:18 There must be a lot of
00:49:20 You have no idea.
00:49:22 And we call them preferred customers.
00:49:24 And then it happened.
00:49:26 Without any warning at all,
00:49:28 the commercial came on.
00:49:31 Oh, my God, that's the
00:49:34 Cat box.
00:49:35 And that's the girl
00:49:37 Andrew, what is going on?
00:49:39 [Gasps]
00:49:40 Yeah, uh-huh.
00:49:41 Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered.
00:49:43 Just get me his
00:49:45 Yes, of course I'll find it.
00:49:47 I'll find it. I'll call you right back.
00:49:48 I want that son of a bitch
00:49:51 I'm gonna fuckin' kill him!
00:49:53 Gah!
00:49:56 Jesus, honey.
00:49:57 We've already discussed it.
00:49:59 I think he's gonna die.
00:50:00 Yeah, they're coming after him.
00:50:01 Oh, one second. Stop it.
00:50:02 Oh, my God.
00:50:03 Charlotte.
00:50:05 Alan.
00:50:06 Stop that. Stop that right now.
00:50:08 Oh, Jesus!
00:50:10 Oh, sweet mother of Moses, look at this!
00:50:12 Yeah, uh... huh, I know.
00:50:14 He's gonna die.
00:50:15 Yeah, I can just... oh, one second.
00:50:16 My baby girl, what are you doing?
00:50:19 Don't do... how do they do that?
00:50:20 Oh, my God, look at...
00:50:21 Charlotte.
00:50:24 Ooh, wow.
00:50:25 Charlotte!
00:50:28 Joey, Joey, look at...
00:50:30 And then finishes off a blue whale.
00:50:34 Fuck it.
00:50:37 Just answer the question.
00:50:39 Did you make that tape?
00:50:41 Not exactly.
00:50:43 Well, did you or didn't you?
00:50:45 This is it.
00:50:46 You're history.
00:50:47 Listen to me.
00:50:49 I love you.
00:50:50 Maybe one day, I'll even marry you,
00:50:52 but now can you find it in
00:50:55 [Cell phone rings]
00:50:58 It's Max.
00:50:59 This might be an emergency.
00:51:00 Hello?
00:51:03 Yeah, yeah, I saw it.
00:51:06 You need to come home right away.
00:51:07 Devon's on the other line,
00:51:08 and apparently there's
00:51:10 on the way over here
00:51:12 Well, how the hell did they find out?
00:51:13 Saw the commercial,
00:51:15 Makes sense.
00:51:16 All right, I'll be right there.
00:51:21 Some parents are coming
00:51:23 I really have to go home.
00:51:25 Well, serves you right.
00:51:26 And now for the
00:51:30 Will you ever have anal sex with me?
00:51:31 What?
00:51:32 I mean...
00:51:34 do you still want to be my friend?
00:51:37 Yes.
00:51:39 But only if you say you love me again.
00:51:43 That sounded kind of nice.
00:51:45 Really?
00:51:46 You're not mad at me?
00:51:48 At first I was, but
00:51:51 You've got to be joking.
00:51:53 No, I mean, you set up a
00:51:55 before your 21st birthday.
00:51:58 Not the most socially
00:52:01 but it works.
00:52:02 We just couldn't ever tell the children.
00:52:04 [Laughs]
00:52:05 That means we're gonna
00:52:08 Will you marry me, Caroline?
00:52:10 If you're still alive, we'll talk.
00:52:12 Oh, I will be.
00:52:13 Max always has a plan
00:52:16 He's a genius, you know.
00:52:17 Really?
00:52:18 Than what am I?
00:52:19 Oh, my God, I want
00:52:23 I said that out loud.
00:52:25 I really do love you!
00:52:30 Oh, Andrew.
00:52:32 Now, I knew something
00:52:35 so I designed us a
00:52:37 Homo Abone.
00:52:39 So that's why you wanted
00:52:41 Exactly.
00:52:42 When those angry parents get here,
00:52:44 they're gonna have to fight
00:52:46 and horrors so grotesque
00:52:49 like John Hughes would think it's funny.
00:52:51 How many people are coming?
00:52:53 Altogether, six, more or less.
00:52:55 Who are they?
00:52:56 Three angry fathers and their wives.
00:53:00 I'll kill those slits!
00:53:04 I love slits.
00:53:05 Then calm down, the B,
00:53:07 because if all goes as planned,
00:53:08 you're not gonna have to do that.
00:53:09 Well, what's the plan, Max?
00:53:11 For the next 12 hours,
00:53:13 we are gonna turn this
00:53:16 Now, I have studied
00:53:18 as much as one person possibly can.
00:53:21 Here is what I've come up with.
00:53:27 Each one of you will be assigned
00:53:30 Now, since we're pulling
00:53:32 feel free to use your business
00:53:35 because money is no longer an issue.
00:53:38 You just get everything on those lists.
00:53:39 What if they don't come?
00:53:41 Oh, believe me, they're gonna come.
00:53:43 Devon said they'll be here tomorrow
00:53:45 no later than 7:30 P.M.,
00:53:48 to wire this house head
00:53:51 I'm taking the backyard.
00:53:53 I'm adding fucked up night vision
00:53:55 to the motherfuckin' paintball gun.
00:53:58 That is wonderful, the
00:53:59 you have always been very creative.
00:54:01 Fuck yeah!
00:54:02 Motherfuckin' nig...
00:54:03 [record scratch]
00:54:06 Where am I gonna get
00:54:09 You leave that to me.
00:54:10 You just get the 50 cases of rum
00:54:11 and the industrial-sized
00:54:13 Now, is everybody clear about
00:54:16 Wait.
00:54:18 Before we go...
00:54:21 I just want to say I love you, Max.
00:54:23 You always know how to make my life fun.
00:54:26 Are you sure we need
00:54:28 Of course we do.
00:54:32 We're American.
00:54:37 Hmm, let's go, sweetheart.
00:54:39 I'll give you a hummer in our Hummer.
00:54:41 Sounds good to me.
00:54:44 Gun Mart, here comes the B.
00:54:47 I'll come with you.
00:54:49 Thank you, Max.
00:54:50 You've given a bald man a second chance.
00:54:51 Come on, Andy, you don't
00:54:53 Now, you take off your
00:54:57 Bald on three.
00:54:59 Everyone.
00:55:00 One, two, three.
00:55:02 [Together] Bald!
00:55:04 How much longer till we get there?
00:55:06 Five minutes.
00:55:07 I... I need to pull over.
00:55:09 I just want to check the map, all right?
00:55:11 You big baby.
00:55:12 Just turn the light on
00:55:16 I get my hands on this
00:55:18 I send my daughter for an education,
00:55:20 she sends me back a sex
00:55:22 All right, listen.
00:55:24 When we get there, everybody
00:55:26 I got the best sense of direction.
00:55:28 He's telling the truth.
00:55:29 He once got us out of a snowstorm.
00:55:31 You couldn't see two
00:55:33 Not my Alan, right, honey?
00:55:34 You would've pulled over to the side
00:55:36 and cried till it stopped snowing.
00:55:37 You think your words
00:55:39 You know they do.
00:55:41 I'm so excited.
00:55:42 When are they gonna be here?
00:55:44 They're fuckin' dead.
00:55:45 What if some of them
00:55:48 They won't be.
00:55:49 Maybe we're taking this too far.
00:55:51 I can't believe I just said that.
00:55:53 Was I really becoming my father?
00:55:55 Andy, snap out of it.
00:55:57 No time for your Wonder
00:55:59 Are you having second thoughts?
00:56:00 No, I just wanted to
00:56:03 Good, 'cause we're about to take
00:56:07 Mm.
00:56:13 All right.
00:56:15 Here we are.
00:56:16 All right, let's get
00:56:18 Everybody follow me.
00:56:26 This kid is dead.
00:56:48 Hold!
00:56:52 Hold!
00:56:53 Hold!
00:56:56 Hold!
00:56:59 Nigga!
00:57:02 [Gunfire]
00:57:11 Motherfuckers!
00:57:14 Elise!
00:57:16 Ah!
00:57:18 Hey!
00:57:19 Bruce!
00:57:21 No!
00:57:30 Cut it out!
00:57:36 Jesus!
00:57:37 Cut it out.
00:57:40 Wait a minute, we're parents!
00:57:45 It's time to end this motherfucker.
00:57:49 My motherfuckin' mega hand grenade.
00:57:52 Ninjas, vanish!
00:57:57 Holy Bezos!
00:57:58 Save your asses!
00:58:02 [Explosion]
00:58:07 Keep coming.
00:58:08 Keep coming.
00:58:16 All right, everybody stay close.
00:58:18 I know it's dark in here, but trust me,
00:58:20 I know where I'm going.
00:58:21 I think it's a stairwell.
00:58:23 I can't see anything.
00:58:25 Oh, my God, he's gonna kill us!
00:58:27 Help!
00:58:28 Relax!
00:58:29 It's... it's not gas.
00:58:31 [Sniffs]
00:58:32 It's...
00:58:33 Marijuana smoke.
00:58:36 No.
00:58:37 Not ma... I'm allergic.
00:58:39 We got to get out.
00:58:41 You are a pussy, do you hear me?
00:58:42 A pussy!
00:58:43 A pussy!
00:58:45 This is good shit.
00:58:50 I can't fight it.
00:58:52 I'm getting fuckin' high.
00:58:56 Fuckin' high.
00:58:58 Just hold your breath.
00:59:00 Bruce, it's everywhere.
00:59:04 I am so fuckin' stoned.
00:59:08 Why are we here again?
00:59:11 What?
00:59:13 You don't remember?
00:59:15 We're here to kill that kid,
00:59:17 that fucked up kid.
00:59:23 Why?
00:59:29 I don't remember.
00:59:32 But I know it's bad.
00:59:34 [Chuckles]
00:59:35 Oh, yeah, he did those sex
00:59:40 Oh, yeah.
00:59:42 He had your daughter humpin' a piano.
00:59:45 [Laughter]
00:59:47 Well, their daughter was
00:59:51 Not my Charlotte.
00:59:52 My Charlotte's not flexible enough!
00:59:54 Oh, come on.
00:59:56 We got to get out of this room.
00:59:58 I'm so thirsty, you guys.
01:00:02 Hey.
01:00:03 Hey, you guys, the door's opening.
01:00:05 Com on, let's get out. Let's escape.
01:00:06 Ooh, blinking lights.
01:00:08 Let's go. Let's go.
01:00:10 Yeah, let's take a break.
01:00:12 [Upbeat dance music]
01:00:36 The colors...
01:00:38 they're moving.
01:00:40 I love a laser show.
01:00:43 Let's have something
01:00:46 Are you sure the water's clean?
01:00:49 [Laughs]
01:00:50 Oh, I don't care what's inside.
01:00:53 I'm so fuckin' thirsty.
01:00:56 [Coughs] It's fine.
01:00:58 It's a little strong.
01:01:00 This isn't water.
01:01:01 This is old-fashioned hooch.
01:01:03 So drink your hooch.
01:01:05 Isn't it weird
01:01:07 the way fathers who have
01:01:12 all of a sudden think they're gay?
01:01:14 What's up with that?
01:01:16 Sounds weird to me.
01:01:17 Yeah, that's fucked up.
01:01:20 Makes sense to me.
01:01:22 That's 'cause you're fuckin' sick.
01:01:24 [Laughter]
01:01:26 [Record scratch]
01:01:31 Whoa.
01:01:33 "Please put on your face
01:01:38 Why?
01:01:39 Just fuckin' do it.
01:01:42 Fuck!
01:01:43 Don't be such an asshole.
01:01:44 Go with the flow, bro.
01:01:46 - Alan.
01:01:48 I'm crazy.
01:01:49 I'm crazy now.
01:01:51 Let's go!
01:01:56 [All screaming]
01:02:12 Bruce!
01:02:18 Bruce!
01:02:19 Bruce, come on, Bruce, you big jokester.
01:02:21 I can't.
01:02:23 Just kill that kid.
01:02:26 Baby, come to me.
01:02:27 I'm too young to be a widow.
01:02:30 Yes, that's it! That's it!
01:02:31 All right, all right, all right!
01:02:34 Attaboy! Let's go!
01:02:38 Bruce, I'm coming to get you!
01:02:41 No one else!
01:02:42 Fuck this!
01:02:43 Fuck this!
01:02:45 Fuck this!
01:02:46 Here I come!
01:02:47 [All shouting at once]
01:02:57 Come on, Bruce!
01:02:58 You can do it, Bruce!
01:03:02 You can do it!
01:03:05 [All grunting]
01:03:12 Good evening.
01:03:14 Please, take a seat.
01:03:17 [Groans]
01:03:19 Hiroshi.
01:03:21 Tea.
01:03:25 Oh, good God.
01:03:29 Brucie.
01:03:44 [Laughter]
01:03:56 He's so handsome.
01:04:06 Let me start by saying I
01:04:10 If a guy paid my daughter
01:04:12 I'd want him dead too.
01:04:14 But I did no such thing.
01:04:16 Your daughters exercised
01:04:18 and decided to make some extra money.
01:04:20 And now your daughters
01:04:23 None of them have to ever work again
01:04:25 or marry someone just
01:04:27 Now, you know how that happens.
01:04:29 Two people meet.
01:04:30 They get married, and in the end,
01:04:31 it was only so they
01:04:33 or so they could drive a fabulous car
01:04:34 like a BMW 750 or a Range Rover.
01:04:36 Now, do you want your daughters
01:04:39 giving out deep throat sessions
01:04:40 just so they can have a car
01:04:42 No.
01:04:44 I think your daughters
01:04:46 and I think you're better than that too.
01:04:49 And for this, you want to harm me.
01:04:51 Why?
01:04:52 Before you answer that,
01:04:56 What's in it?
01:04:57 Herbs and placebos.
01:04:58 The two should complement
01:05:00 You said millions.
01:05:02 How many millions?
01:05:05 Enough to buy 20 cruise ships.
01:05:06 Wow.
01:05:08 Each.
01:05:09 If that's not enough,
01:05:12 please...
01:05:14 observe.
01:05:19 You got a fuckin'
01:05:22 His name's Cody.
01:05:24 Like I said, millions.
01:05:26 You know, some of the girls even
01:05:29 - Really?
01:05:30 Well, the two girls
01:05:32 opened up their own fashion company,
01:05:34 which is soon gonna be listed
01:05:36 So I ask you once again,
01:05:38 what are you mad at?
01:05:40 It certainly shouldn't be me.
01:05:41 I hear you.
01:05:44 You think you could put me on the...
01:05:49 internet?
01:05:52 Do you think they'd
01:05:53 I don't know.
01:05:55 I'd have to talk to them.
01:05:57 Which ones are your daughters?
01:05:58 Charlotte Stearn.
01:06:00 Of course.
01:06:01 Yeah.
01:06:03 I see.
01:06:04 Codename is the Barnyard,
01:06:08 [Snickering]
01:06:12 I'd be happy to ask her for you.
01:06:14 Now, if you have any other
01:06:15 now would be the time.
01:06:16 How did all this happen?
01:06:18 Well, my friend Andy
01:06:20 and a hair transplant.
01:06:22 This just seemed to work.
01:06:23 Amazing.
01:06:25 Now, I've enjoyed
01:06:26 but if you'll excuse me,
01:06:28 I've got to put the
01:06:30 Now, feel free to stay,
01:06:33 I love...
01:06:35 options.
01:06:37 Either's fine with me.
01:06:39 I think I'll, um...
01:06:43 stay.
01:06:45 I'm a little too high to get in the...
01:06:47 [giggles]
01:06:48 Car.
01:06:50 Very well.
01:06:51 Hiroshi will show you to your rooms,
01:06:53 and thanks for coming.
01:06:56 Can I go down on you?
01:06:59 I love tongue... I mean,
01:07:03 What do you look like nude?
01:07:44 Looks like the wolf
01:07:53 It takes four white
01:07:57 I'm 20 years old, and I'm going bald.
01:08:01 Only now I just don't care.
01:08:05 Larry David, Danny
01:08:09 Tony Soprano, Homer Simpson,
01:08:12 all great bald men.
01:08:14 I now wish to join their ranks.
01:08:16 Get busy living
01:08:17 or get busy dying.
01:08:20 That's god damn right.
01:08:44 Andrew?
01:08:47 Oh, my God.
01:08:49 What did you do?
01:09:08 Good morning, and welcome
01:09:10 Right now, we are about to
01:09:13 Two college girls are about to go public
01:09:16 and ring the opening bell.
01:09:17 Their company, Max Woods,
01:09:20 has reached a record
01:09:23 and will open at an even $75 a share.
01:09:26 But the interesting thing is that
01:09:27 these girls didn't even...
01:09:29 They were already internet millionaires.
01:09:31 Although questions surround
01:09:34 for now, let's just enjoy
01:09:37 entering an already saturated market.
01:09:46 [Knocks on door]
01:09:48 - Today's the big day.
01:09:50 Be there no later
01:09:52 I know.
01:09:53 [Laughs]
01:10:21 [Steady rock music]
01:10:44 # I have no desire #
01:10:46 # To lament of my pain #
01:10:49 # Or to feed the fire #
01:10:51 # Of a passion burning red #
01:10:54 # And I wonder #
01:10:56 # Wonder #
01:10:58 # Can she read between the lines #
01:11:05 # And I wonder #
01:11:07 # Wonder #
01:11:09 # Can she ever be mine #
01:11:14 Has it started yet?
01:11:15 - Not yet.
01:11:17 It's right this way.
01:11:19 Nice tits, girly.
01:11:21 That's a nice piece of ass too.
01:11:25 # Draped across her shoulders #
01:11:27 # And I wonder #
01:11:28 # Wonder #
01:11:31 # Would she stay with me tonight #
01:11:38 # And I wonder #
01:11:39 # Wonder #
01:11:42 # What I'd give to make her mine #
01:11:57 Fuck me.
01:12:04 [Sobbing]
01:12:09 [All laughing]
01:12:23 [Cheers and applause]
01:12:28 That's my story.
01:12:29 It might not be the best
01:12:31 but it sure was a good time.
01:12:34 If you're wondering
01:12:36 the answer is, yes.
01:12:38 I cancelled my appointment
01:12:39 with Matthew McConaughey's
01:12:41 and no longer wish to cut open my head
01:12:43 in the name of confidence and security.
01:12:45 A wise man once said,
01:12:47 "the less hair I have,
01:12:51 Thanks for listening,
01:12:53 and stay strong, my balding brothers.
01:12:55 We always have each other,
01:12:57 even if it's just to compare hairlines.
01:13:15 # I don't want to talk about it #
01:13:17 # Leave well enough alone #
01:13:19 # This subject causes me pain #
01:13:23 # Don't act like you don't notice #
01:13:32 Don't be embarrassed.
01:13:36 What the fuck?
01:13:38 Come on, Woodsy, it's the big time.
01:13:40 [Making siren noises]
01:13:46 Oh, I forgot about you.
01:13:48 Here you go, baby.
01:13:49 [Laughing]
01:13:54 Hello.
01:13:55 This'll be a celebration
01:13:59 How can I help?
01:14:00 [Retches]
01:14:01 This shit is disgusting.
01:14:06 [Laughter]
01:14:11 I'll suck the roof off your dick.
01:14:14 I hate it when you
01:14:16 All right, let's hear it. This is it.
01:14:18 Go, "Jack Latner rules."
01:14:20 Okay.
01:14:22 And go.
01:14:23 Jack Latner rules.
01:14:25 Jack Latner rules.
01:14:28 Now, one time, the B rules.
01:14:29 The B rules.
01:14:31 Say, "Hell, I rule."
01:14:33 Hell, I rule.
01:14:36 Now, just go, "Whoo."
01:14:40 I love the B.
01:14:45 I'll suck the roof off your dick.
01:14:49 If I was Macaulay Culkin right now,
01:14:50 where would I be?
01:14:52 Where's Michael Jackson's dick?
01:14:54 - Bong, bong.
01:14:56 Okay now, D, D, look
01:14:59 What is it?
01:15:00 I'll suck your dixies?
01:15:02 No, your dickses,
01:15:05 and then have an apostrophe and an S.
01:15:07 Aren't boobs great?
01:15:09 I love 'em.
01:15:10 [Giggles]
01:15:11 Oh, I bet he loves milk.
01:15:13 Fuck yeah, nigga.
01:15:15 Motherfucker!
01:15:17 Fuckin' dawg, nigga.
01:15:18 Yeah.
01:15:22 Come on, Rachel, sit
01:15:27 Onto Andrew.
01:15:29 What do you mean?
01:15:30 Sit down now.
01:15:32 Lean back.
01:15:33 - I can't really lean...
01:15:35 It is.
01:15:36 Oh, can you go any lower?
01:15:39 I mean...
01:15:40 Four seconds, then sit
01:15:42 And we won't have to do it again.
01:15:43 Wait till... I'll tell you when.
01:15:44 Are your eyes clean?
01:15:47 Yes.
01:15:49 Back up.
01:15:53 Look here, you got to start here.
01:15:56 No, you take him.
01:15:58 Oh.
01:15:59 I said I'd share.
01:16:01 Don't you want me to share?
01:16:02 No, he's all yours.
01:16:03 I don't want him.
01:16:04 I think he's lactose intolerant.
01:16:13 [Growling]
01:16:28 Your wish...
01:16:30 is my command.
01:16:31 # Ooh ooh #
01:16:32 # Ooh ooh ooh ooh #
01:16:37 I'll suck the roof off your dick.
01:16:40 Oh, God.
01:16:41 All right, cut,
01:16:43 # Sisters #
01:16:45 # Doin' it for themselves #
01:16:46 Mike, stop looking at my ass.
01:16:48 [Shrieking]
01:16:51 Those are some big ass titties!
01:16:54 Yo.
01:16:57 My function.
01:17:00 Cha, cha, cha.
01:17:10 Yo.
01:17:11 We was only yelling 'cause
01:17:14 Come on, G money, just want
01:17:18 Yo, fuck that.
01:17:20 This is the B class.
01:17:22 Whatever the B says, goes.
01:17:24 This is speech class, motherfucker.
01:17:26 That means it's all
01:17:28 Suck this dick,
01:17:30 fuck your brother in the ass,
01:17:31 and eat your grandma's greasy goochie.
01:17:35 This is Psychology, yo.
01:17:39 Whatever, white
01:17:41 You are so beautiful.
01:17:45 Those are the biggest
01:17:52 Cut.
01:17:53 Cut, cut.
01:17:56 # And the rest will follow #
01:17:58 Did you just ash my ass?
01:18:05 I am so abused, I can't stand it.
01:18:08 What?
01:18:10 Keep going.
01:18:12 Be sexual.
01:18:14 Wha... ah?
01:18:15 Am I...
01:18:16 going to...
01:18:19 [laughs]
01:18:24 Chris, zoom in on that.
01:18:42 Pretend gay.
01:18:45 Two minutes isn't enough, though.
01:18:50 Doot, doot.
01:18:54 Oh, that's perfect, cut.
01:19:03 Whoo!
01:19:05 Good, now, look, 'cause
01:19:13 Cut.
01:19:14 Oh.
01:19:15 Oh, pillow fight.
01:19:16 They got... they're trying
01:19:19 [Laughter]
01:19:22 Come on, ladies, you
01:19:26 - We got it, man.
01:19:29 I need a sandwich
01:19:32 Pooh!
01:19:33 # I want to put a dick in my mouth #
01:19:37 # Joey be the inspiration #
01:19:40 # He slams his balls to
01:19:43 # I think I need a tonsil operation #
01:19:46 # When you love somebody #
01:19:47 # Just like Joey Powers #
01:19:51 # When you love somebody #
01:19:53 # Just like Joey Powers #
01:19:59 Okay, now lower the mic.
01:20:00 Lower the mic, open your mouth.
01:20:02 # When you lo... #
01:20:08 I am so abused, I can't stand it.
01:20:11 Bob it in there.
01:20:12 - Wha...