|
Van Wilder Freshman Year
|
| 00:00:38 |
There is one graduate here today |
| 00:00:42 |
that has won every single honor |
| 00:00:48 |
That graduate, |
| 00:01:14 |
Standing here today, |
| 00:01:18 |
in high school forever. |
| 00:01:21 |
I mean, there are |
| 00:01:26 |
Memories I have of this place. |
| 00:01:30 |
But, you see, change, like life, |
| 00:01:34 |
has a way of sneaking up on us. |
| 00:01:44 |
When we least expect it, yeah. |
| 00:01:50 |
Sure, the timing may seem |
| 00:01:57 |
but yet it feels good, so good, |
| 00:02:04 |
to be graduating |
| 00:02:07 |
and swiftly darting tongues |
| 00:02:13 |
Listen to me ramble. |
| 00:02:18 |
But before I'm finished, |
| 00:02:22 |
to recognize someone who has aced |
| 00:02:28 |
who has always been head of the class, |
| 00:02:32 |
graduating summa cum |
| 00:02:44 |
laude. Our very own valedictorian. |
| 00:03:01 |
Congratulations, graduates! |
| 00:03:10 |
-Congratulations, Son. |
| 00:03:12 |
Now, let's get out of here. |
| 00:03:15 |
the sooner we won't be able |
| 00:03:17 |
Yeah. |
| 00:03:22 |
-You're not going to Amsterdam. |
| 00:03:25 |
Sheik Mohammad is building |
| 00:03:28 |
And I'm gonna help him |
| 00:03:31 |
It's a huge opportunity, Van. |
| 00:03:33 |
Come on. You're gonna have |
| 00:03:36 |
Exploring nether regions |
| 00:03:38 |
is not a bad way to spend |
| 00:03:42 |
I still don't know why I can't |
| 00:03:45 |
I mean, I know the business, |
| 00:03:46 |
Van, every Wilder man |
| 00:03:50 |
It's tradition. And tradition |
| 00:03:56 |
I gotta run. Hey, have a great time, |
| 00:03:57 |
do everything I wouldn't do, |
| 00:03:59 |
-''Banging, broke or blitzed...'' |
| 00:04:03 |
Write that down. |
| 00:06:06 |
Well, well. Look who just arrived. |
| 00:06:21 |
Van, do you have |
| 00:06:23 |
Come back to Amsterdam with us. |
| 00:06:27 |
Dulia, Babette, I'm sorry, ladies, |
| 00:06:43 |
I've been waiting 30 years for this. |
| 00:07:06 |
It's a little small, but I can work with it. |
| 00:07:20 |
Van Wilder. I'm your new roommate. |
| 00:07:25 |
All right. Farley. |
| 00:07:31 |
Smoke? |
| 00:07:34 |
Man, am I glad |
| 00:07:37 |
This place is a pimper's paradise. |
| 00:07:42 |
I'm gonna make |
| 00:08:08 |
My God! |
| 00:08:12 |
-Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC. |
| 00:08:17 |
Van Wilder, WTF? |
| 00:08:20 |
The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon |
| 00:08:24 |
But I just put my slippers on. |
| 00:08:31 |
Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered. |
| 00:08:33 |
Return to your squad. |
| 00:08:35 |
Well, well, Mr. Wilder. |
| 00:08:38 |
Nice of you to join us. |
| 00:08:40 |
Colonel Charles Reardon, |
| 00:08:43 |
How's it hanging, Chuck? |
| 00:08:45 |
You see these fine young men, Wilder? |
| 00:08:47 |
These are Reardon's Raiders. |
| 00:08:49 |
They've won every ROTC war game |
| 00:08:52 |
They're my pride and joy. |
| 00:08:55 |
Good doggies. |
| 00:09:01 |
Lady Liberty is a purebred |
| 00:09:05 |
Actually, I was talking about that guy. |
| 00:09:09 |
Arnold! |
| 00:09:11 |
Secure Lady Liberty. |
| 00:09:14 |
Let's you and me take a little ride, son. |
| 00:09:20 |
Stay. |
| 00:09:23 |
-Good dog. |
| 00:09:28 |
You know, I went to school here |
| 00:09:31 |
He acted like he owned the place, |
| 00:09:32 |
just 'cause his family's name |
| 00:09:35 |
You know what that name |
| 00:09:37 |
About as much as titties on a mule, son. |
| 00:09:41 |
And while you're here, |
| 00:09:44 |
No drinking, no fornicating, |
| 00:09:49 |
Or you'll be the first Wilder |
| 00:09:52 |
Now, do you follow me? |
| 00:09:54 |
Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless! |
| 00:10:00 |
Let's get one thing straight, son. |
| 00:10:01 |
I may not be able to kick you out of here |
| 00:10:05 |
But you screw with me, |
| 00:10:09 |
Out. |
| 00:10:13 |
I'm glad we had this talk. |
| 00:10:14 |
Means there won't be |
| 00:10:19 |
Party tonight, party tonight. |
| 00:10:25 |
You smell that, Farley? |
| 00:10:29 |
The smell of thousands of new girls. |
| 00:10:33 |
Van Wilder, Chairman |
| 00:10:36 |
This is my partner, Farley Marley. |
| 00:10:38 |
-Jah Rastafari. |
| 00:10:43 |
-Right. |
| 00:10:44 |
room-warming soiree tonight. |
| 00:10:47 |
foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos. |
| 00:10:51 |
-A party? |
| 00:10:59 |
No! |
| 00:11:04 |
It's okay. |
| 00:11:10 |
Wow. This is embarrassing. |
| 00:11:13 |
I can't believe nobody showed up. |
| 00:11:17 |
Well, it's about time. |
| 00:11:24 |
Party? |
| 00:11:30 |
So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way |
| 00:11:35 |
Yes. Village I grow up in boring as shit. |
| 00:11:39 |
No party. I dream of beer bong, |
| 00:11:46 |
So, I work in sweatshop, |
| 00:11:49 |
Cannot even afford room, |
| 00:11:54 |
That's one of the most beautiful things |
| 00:11:58 |
No offense to your ancestors, |
| 00:12:03 |
Van, how come no hot, |
| 00:12:07 |
Coolidge is number one party school! |
| 00:12:10 |
1979. Wow! |
| 00:12:15 |
Girls used to have hair? |
| 00:12:20 |
I hate to break it to you, Yu, |
| 00:12:23 |
but I don't think |
| 00:12:27 |
No party? |
| 00:12:29 |
No beer bong? |
| 00:12:32 |
-No boob on butt? |
| 00:12:36 |
I go to janitor closet now. |
| 00:12:42 |
Forget the ''breach.'' |
| 00:12:47 |
Boys, it's toga time. |
| 00:13:18 |
Friends, Romans, grunting women, |
| 00:13:51 |
Welcome. |
| 00:13:54 |
Nice jugs. |
| 00:13:55 |
They contain the sacred blood |
| 00:13:58 |
Do you wish to be purified? |
| 00:14:00 |
We here for boob on butt. |
| 00:14:03 |
Actually, I think we're lost. |
| 00:14:07 |
Come with me. My sisters |
| 00:14:13 |
I'm not sure if you're aware, |
| 00:14:16 |
Coolidge has become a more |
| 00:14:21 |
than it used to be. |
| 00:14:24 |
I'd better take these. |
| 00:14:26 |
Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash. |
| 00:14:29 |
At Coolidge, we're dry. |
| 00:14:31 |
You know, science has made |
| 00:14:34 |
in personal lubrication. |
| 00:14:36 |
You won't be needing these, either. |
| 00:14:39 |
Orgasms are the deviI's heroin. |
| 00:14:46 |
''O daughters of Jerusalem, |
| 00:14:52 |
-Amen. |
| 00:14:53 |
Song of Solomon, 8:4. |
| 00:14:57 |
Let she who is without sin |
| 00:15:05 |
Wilder, 69. |
| 00:15:09 |
Perhaps you and your friends |
| 00:15:13 |
We have enough sinners here. |
| 00:15:15 |
You wouldn't happen to have |
| 00:15:17 |
You have a very impure spirit. |
| 00:15:20 |
There's a dark, wretched hole |
| 00:15:26 |
Okay, but you have to buy me |
| 00:15:30 |
I think that can be arranged. |
| 00:15:33 |
Now I know what a tampon feels like. |
| 00:15:37 |
This is a complete fuckery, |
| 00:15:40 |
No poom poom, no ganja. |
| 00:15:42 |
Vampires for Jesus, |
| 00:15:46 |
-I can't take four years of this bullshit. |
| 00:15:50 |
Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!'' |
| 00:15:56 |
So what did you have in mind? |
| 00:16:05 |
We shake things up a bit. |
| 00:16:19 |
Why don't we just buy some? |
| 00:16:22 |
Where's the fun in that? |
| 00:16:25 |
This almost as good as boob on butt. |
| 00:17:35 |
Say hello to my little friend. |
| 00:17:53 |
Sorry. |
| 00:17:57 |
Don't forget to floss. |
| 00:18:03 |
Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours? |
| 00:18:06 |
-Hey, honeybear. |
| 00:18:10 |
Kaitlin. So nice you could make it. |
| 00:18:16 |
-Hymnal? |
| 00:18:19 |
Nice arm, Jezebel. |
| 00:18:22 |
-I believe this is yours. |
| 00:18:25 |
Van Wilder, hopeless romantic. |
| 00:18:30 |
-Kaitlin Hayes. |
| 00:18:33 |
Well, it's nice to see there are |
| 00:18:35 |
who still do charity work. |
| 00:18:38 |
Come on, Kaitlin, let's go. |
| 00:18:42 |
Yeah, before all the good seats |
| 00:18:46 |
No, thanks. I brought my own. |
| 00:18:51 |
Thank you. |
| 00:18:52 |
Today, I wanna talk about |
| 00:18:57 |
and it isn't pencils, no. |
| 00:19:02 |
S-I-N. Sin. |
| 00:19:05 |
You know, it seems like they'll let just |
| 00:19:10 |
Except Jesus. |
| 00:19:12 |
And, you know, I took the time |
| 00:19:15 |
and I find out that Jesus has |
| 00:19:19 |
Yeah, that stands |
| 00:19:24 |
Amen, amen. |
| 00:19:27 |
-Amen. |
| 00:19:29 |
But what is the number one sin |
| 00:19:35 |
Quite plainly, it's sex. |
| 00:19:38 |
-Sex. |
| 00:19:40 |
-Sex. |
| 00:19:42 |
Even as we're speaking, |
| 00:19:46 |
-Amen. |
| 00:19:48 |
Amen, sisters. |
| 00:19:49 |
-Gentlemen, the Lord is... |
| 00:19:51 |
...about to work in very... |
| 00:19:52 |
...mysterious ways. |
| 00:19:54 |
That's right, sisters. |
| 00:19:59 |
Because fornication, copulation |
| 00:20:05 |
is happening all around us, |
| 00:20:09 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:12 |
But we've got a secret because |
| 00:20:19 |
Can I get an amen? |
| 00:20:20 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:21 |
Amen, sisters! |
| 00:20:25 |
They got the power of the Lord |
| 00:20:28 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:30 |
Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah. |
| 00:20:33 |
-Hallelujah! |
| 00:20:36 |
-I want each of you out there to pray. |
| 00:20:38 |
Pray that you might be |
| 00:20:41 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:42 |
Yes, they're talking to the big guy. |
| 00:20:45 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:46 |
Oh, the sisters are feeling |
| 00:20:49 |
-Amen, sisters! |
| 00:20:51 |
It's time for some tits and mass. |
| 00:20:57 |
-Amen! |
| 00:20:59 |
-Amen! |
| 00:21:01 |
Amen, sisters! |
| 00:21:02 |
That's what I'm talking about! |
| 00:21:04 |
-Amen! |
| 00:21:06 |
You might as well open up |
| 00:21:09 |
'Cause these sisters are coming! |
| 00:21:12 |
These sisters are coming! |
| 00:21:14 |
-Amen! |
| 00:21:17 |
You know what these are? |
| 00:21:19 |
You know what these are? |
| 00:21:21 |
Yes, sir. |
| 00:21:24 |
And I think experimentation |
| 00:21:27 |
You listen to me, funny man. |
| 00:21:32 |
And you can rest assured, |
| 00:21:36 |
In this case, Chuck, |
| 00:21:42 |
You know, nowadays, |
| 00:21:48 |
over a student's curriculum. |
| 00:21:50 |
And I have got something special |
| 00:21:54 |
Something to build character. |
| 00:21:59 |
-Left, left, left, left, left, left... |
| 00:22:03 |
I'm gonna take a stab in the dark |
| 00:22:05 |
that none of you signed up |
| 00:22:12 |
Well, if they think |
| 00:22:15 |
to waste our time playing soldier |
| 00:22:18 |
to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping, |
| 00:22:23 |
then they... |
| 00:22:28 |
Are 100% correct. |
| 00:22:31 |
Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward! |
| 00:22:35 |
I'm Corporal Hayes. |
| 00:22:39 |
It's my job to guide you |
| 00:22:42 |
which is required to graduate |
| 00:22:46 |
Are there any questions? |
| 00:22:50 |
Yes, soldier. |
| 00:22:51 |
Do you, by chance, drill in private? |
| 00:22:55 |
Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like, |
| 00:22:57 |
I'm sure I can arrange for us to spend |
| 00:23:03 |
This a new experience for you? |
| 00:23:06 |
Yeah. |
| 00:23:08 |
I usually go electric. |
| 00:23:14 |
Hilarious. I've met guys like you before. |
| 00:23:17 |
The only person you care about |
| 00:23:21 |
-Something funny? |
| 00:23:24 |
I just can't wait to prove you wrong. |
| 00:23:27 |
We'll see. |
| 00:23:29 |
Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot. |
| 00:23:33 |
Enjoy. |
| 00:23:44 |
I'm sorry. I ordered mine well-done. |
| 00:23:50 |
I have better food in sweatshop. |
| 00:23:53 |
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu. |
| 00:24:06 |
-What? I had the munchies. |
| 00:24:13 |
I haven't seen this many turds |
| 00:24:14 |
since I won |
| 00:24:18 |
Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies |
| 00:24:23 |
Remember, I was making |
| 00:24:26 |
So how's the chow, ladies? |
| 00:24:28 |
I give the presentation three stars, |
| 00:24:32 |
but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry. |
| 00:24:50 |
-There you go. All better. |
| 00:24:58 |
You know, I heard they were looking |
| 00:25:00 |
but I guess they'll take |
| 00:25:05 |
-Hey, Dirk. |
| 00:25:11 |
What are you boys up to? |
| 00:25:12 |
Well, we were just congratulating |
| 00:25:15 |
on their first day of duty. |
| 00:25:20 |
Lieutenant Friendly here even |
| 00:25:23 |
Oh, what a nice guy. |
| 00:25:33 |
Yum, yum. That is so good. |
| 00:25:38 |
How's yours, Dirk? |
| 00:25:47 |
Oh, God. |
| 00:25:59 |
Well, how was it? |
| 00:26:05 |
Always leading by example. |
| 00:26:09 |
-So, are we still going to the game? |
| 00:26:13 |
You bet we are! |
| 00:26:15 |
What game? |
| 00:26:16 |
-There's a football game this weekend. |
| 00:26:19 |
These losers haven't won |
| 00:26:21 |
Come on, it's not about winning |
| 00:26:23 |
It's about supporting your school. |
| 00:26:25 |
You know what? You are so right, babe. |
| 00:26:28 |
Okay, well I'm gonna get back to class. |
| 00:26:29 |
Okay. Bye. |
| 00:26:32 |
All right, guess what, queerbait? |
| 00:26:48 |
The team's a joke, but the concessions |
| 00:26:57 |
Right. |
| 00:26:58 |
I take bigger hits than these guys |
| 00:27:02 |
No, it's not the team's fault. |
| 00:27:03 |
-You guys, come on! |
| 00:27:07 |
It looks like the cheerleaders are |
| 00:27:10 |
I'll be right back. |
| 00:27:13 |
Where you going, man? |
| 00:27:16 |
To fix this. |
| 00:27:22 |
I have never seen |
| 00:27:26 |
I mean, where's the fire? |
| 00:27:29 |
And for God's sake, |
| 00:27:33 |
Your team needs you out there. |
| 00:27:35 |
Okay, being a cheerleader isn't |
| 00:27:40 |
It's about standing by your team, |
| 00:27:43 |
Especially when they suck. |
| 00:27:47 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:27:48 |
Now, do you think you can do that? |
| 00:27:49 |
-Yes. |
| 00:27:51 |
Do you think you can give it |
| 00:27:53 |
-Yes. |
| 00:27:54 |
Do you think maybe, just maybe, |
| 00:27:59 |
-Yes! |
| 00:28:00 |
That's what I'm talking about. |
| 00:28:03 |
But first, we're gonna have |
| 00:28:17 |
Who knew our cheerleaders were hot? |
| 00:28:19 |
Who knew our cheerleaders |
| 00:28:23 |
Hey, guys. |
| 00:28:26 |
Now it's your turn. |
| 00:28:30 |
Oh, and they said |
| 00:28:33 |
they're throwing you a victory party. |
| 00:28:37 |
Victory party, guys. All right, let's go. |
| 00:28:41 |
-Coolidge! |
| 00:28:45 |
Come on! I know you can do it, now. |
| 00:28:49 |
I tell you, |
| 00:28:51 |
but these cheerleaders are grinding it |
| 00:28:57 |
What the... |
| 00:29:00 |
Sweet Jesus! |
| 00:29:28 |
Now, that's what I'm talking about! |
| 00:30:44 |
Watch your head! |
| 00:30:54 |
Guys, give me a ride. |
| 00:31:13 |
Hey! |
| 00:31:15 |
-School spirit? |
| 00:31:18 |
How about a beer? |
| 00:31:24 |
In a bottle. |
| 00:31:30 |
I shouldn't be here. |
| 00:31:49 |
Hey, wait up! |
| 00:31:53 |
I'll walk you back to your dorm. |
| 00:31:54 |
I'm sorry. I just... I can't afford to do |
| 00:31:58 |
-getting into officer-training school. |
| 00:32:03 |
I must seem |
| 00:32:05 |
No. |
| 00:32:07 |
I was gonna say prude. |
| 00:32:16 |
You know, you should read |
| 00:32:22 |
He say, ''All great warfare |
| 00:32:27 |
''Offer the enemy bait to lure him. |
| 00:32:30 |
''Feign disorder and crush him.'' |
| 00:32:37 |
Or her. |
| 00:32:39 |
He also says we cannot enter alliances |
| 00:32:41 |
until we know the designs |
| 00:32:49 |
You're not even going to let me |
| 00:32:52 |
Now, what kind of a prude |
| 00:33:31 |
Hey, where'd you come from? |
| 00:33:37 |
Broke out of your little cage, huh? |
| 00:33:42 |
What the hell? |
| 00:33:45 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:33:49 |
You're my new best friend. |
| 00:33:52 |
Here's to you. |
| 00:33:56 |
Colossus. |
| 00:33:58 |
-Hey. |
| 00:33:59 |
Hi! Great party. |
| 00:34:00 |
Don't thank me. Thank tequila. |
| 00:34:05 |
Found your pants. |
| 00:34:12 |
Van, I took your advice about shaving |
| 00:34:17 |
She said I'd get laid tonight. |
| 00:34:19 |
-What's her major? |
| 00:34:22 |
-Get it in writing. |
| 00:34:26 |
Hey, guys, guys, guys, |
| 00:34:33 |
Wow! |
| 00:34:36 |
Hey, big man on campus. |
| 00:34:40 |
-A blessing and a curse. |
| 00:34:47 |
-Calm down, Yu. |
| 00:34:48 |
-Calm down, Yu. |
| 00:34:52 |
So I say she beautiful. |
| 00:34:56 |
So I say she smart. She say, ''Get lost!'' |
| 00:35:00 |
So I say, ''I know Van Wilder,'' |
| 00:35:06 |
Things heating up, |
| 00:35:09 |
-Connie who? |
| 00:35:12 |
-Ring ass? |
| 00:35:14 |
-Cunnilingus! |
| 00:35:18 |
So next thing, she cry, she run out! |
| 00:35:24 |
Show me what you did. |
| 00:35:43 |
Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't |
| 00:35:49 |
Where did you learn that? |
| 00:35:53 |
-Sex ''crass.'' |
| 00:35:57 |
Now, sex is achieved when |
| 00:36:01 |
or in the same room as |
| 00:36:03 |
a female's hell hole. |
| 00:36:06 |
Now, no matter what the woman says, |
| 00:36:07 |
the act of procreation should only last |
| 00:36:12 |
And remember, if it feels good, |
| 00:36:16 |
Professor Downs! |
| 00:36:20 |
-Your wife was in an accident. |
| 00:36:24 |
-And she totaled your Mustang. |
| 00:36:27 |
-Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and... |
| 00:36:33 |
Wake up! |
| 00:36:35 |
My name is Professor Wilder. |
| 00:36:40 |
I have BA, an MA and a PhD. |
| 00:36:49 |
These are my teaching assistants. |
| 00:36:54 |
Welcome to Sex 101. |
| 00:36:59 |
This is hot. |
| 00:37:00 |
-Yeah! |
| 00:37:03 |
This is not. |
| 00:37:05 |
-No! |
| 00:37:08 |
Hand? |
| 00:37:11 |
Bad! |
| 00:37:13 |
We call this maneuver ''flanking.'' |
| 00:37:21 |
Who can name this position? |
| 00:37:25 |
-Yu. |
| 00:37:28 |
And this one. |
| 00:37:31 |
Analingus! |
| 00:37:33 |
-And that one. |
| 00:37:37 |
Spraying Mantis. |
| 00:37:42 |
The Gizzard of Oz! |
| 00:37:46 |
That's my favorite. |
| 00:37:50 |
-Ladies. |
| 00:37:54 |
-And? |
| 00:37:58 |
-Guys. |
| 00:38:03 |
You're learning! |
| 00:38:05 |
Now, remember, |
| 00:38:08 |
But clean up after yourselves. |
| 00:38:12 |
They may be filled |
| 00:38:14 |
but you don't want them lying around |
| 00:38:18 |
Write that down. |
| 00:38:24 |
Miss Hayes. |
| 00:38:27 |
I'll let it slide this time, |
| 00:38:30 |
-you really should stay after class. |
| 00:38:35 |
You're kidding, right? |
| 00:38:36 |
Nothing from that soft-core seminar |
| 00:38:41 |
Okay, I give you tongue if you like. |
| 00:38:45 |
The point is you put on |
| 00:38:48 |
crude stereotypes and dirty limericks. |
| 00:38:50 |
Which you took copious notes on. |
| 00:38:54 |
This is all a game to you. |
| 00:38:55 |
It's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's |
| 00:38:59 |
Well, my father taught me, |
| 00:39:02 |
it's worth doing right. |
| 00:39:04 |
Well, my father taught me |
| 00:39:06 |
are worth waiting for. |
| 00:39:11 |
-Wait. |
| 00:39:14 |
Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you. |
| 00:39:24 |
-I'm Yu. |
| 00:39:37 |
You know, I am not sure what it is, |
| 00:39:43 |
Something called... |
| 00:39:44 |
Love, girl. |
| 00:39:47 |
See, that's what the reggae music |
| 00:39:50 |
Love and... |
| 00:39:51 |
Shrimp? |
| 00:40:07 |
Look at those. |
| 00:40:09 |
Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers! |
| 00:40:16 |
Permission to come inside, sir? |
| 00:40:19 |
Kaitlin, you look like a... |
| 00:40:21 |
Tramp! |
| 00:40:23 |
That's what I feel like sometimes. |
| 00:40:26 |
I mean, I know she has a boyfriend, |
| 00:40:31 |
I'm sorry. |
| 00:40:36 |
Here. I have a little surprise for us. |
| 00:40:52 |
Sweet and sour. |
| 00:40:56 |
Ready, aim, fire! |
| 00:41:07 |
Kaitlin, what's gotten into you? |
| 00:41:09 |
Let's just say I learned |
| 00:41:14 |
Kaitlin, I need my energy. |
| 00:41:17 |
I have to pass |
| 00:41:20 |
I'll give you an obstacle. |
| 00:41:24 |
Don't. |
| 00:42:00 |
I am so glad you weren't busy tonight. |
| 00:42:09 |
Go ahead. |
| 00:42:38 |
God. |
| 00:42:44 |
Put some of Professor Van's |
| 00:42:46 |
You wish. What about you? |
| 00:42:48 |
I figured you'd be in Wilder Hall |
| 00:42:53 |
Travel books. |
| 00:42:56 |
I always had you pegged |
| 00:43:00 |
Traveling's one of the reasons |
| 00:43:02 |
To see the world. |
| 00:43:04 |
You know, there are vacations |
| 00:43:08 |
Oh, right. |
| 00:43:10 |
Spring break in Mexico, |
| 00:43:13 |
You probably spent summer |
| 00:43:17 |
I think it's important to familiarize |
| 00:43:23 |
-Life's just one big party, isn't it? |
| 00:43:28 |
Last time I checked, |
| 00:43:31 |
Unless you believe in reincarnation. |
| 00:43:33 |
In that case, I wanna come back |
| 00:43:40 |
What? |
| 00:43:45 |
Hey! Wait up! |
| 00:43:47 |
You know, you could be |
| 00:43:50 |
how to follow orders first. |
| 00:43:52 |
Not a big fan |
| 00:43:54 |
-Someone has father issues. |
| 00:43:58 |
-Excuse me? |
| 00:44:00 |
The whole military routine, |
| 00:44:04 |
You don't know anything |
| 00:44:06 |
-You just see a uniform and... |
| 00:44:08 |
Well, why don't you surprise me? |
| 00:44:11 |
All right. First of all, |
| 00:44:17 |
And secondly, |
| 00:44:23 |
here it is. |
| 00:44:24 |
''Student undergarments should be |
| 00:44:27 |
''and unrevealing as possible.'' |
| 00:44:30 |
-So? |
| 00:44:36 |
-You're a thong girl. |
| 00:44:40 |
-My sixth sense does not lie. |
| 00:44:43 |
And in the future, |
| 00:44:45 |
and the rest of your senses to yourself. |
| 00:44:55 |
Corporal, I think it's time we take things |
| 00:45:01 |
I have waited so long |
| 00:45:04 |
-What? |
| 00:45:08 |
Eve! Jesus, you almost scared |
| 00:45:10 |
Hey, Dirk, I was just wondering |
| 00:45:13 |
-With what? |
| 00:45:16 |
So go talk to him. I'm busy. |
| 00:45:18 |
I need to feel him inside of me. |
| 00:45:23 |
Don't you wanna help me find God? |
| 00:45:25 |
-Listen. I don't know what you're on... |
| 00:45:30 |
Get away from me, devil woman! |
| 00:45:32 |
-Dirk! |
| 00:45:33 |
You get back here! |
| 00:45:35 |
Yes, I bought you toilet paper. |
| 00:45:37 |
No, it's not quilted. Golly! |
| 00:45:44 |
I won't ask if you don't tell? |
| 00:45:50 |
What the... Hey, put me down! |
| 00:45:57 |
Is this where you bring all the boys? |
| 00:46:00 |
Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian. |
| 00:46:02 |
You like cracking your jokes, |
| 00:46:06 |
sticking your tongue |
| 00:46:09 |
Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac? |
| 00:46:13 |
Well, I got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy, |
| 00:46:16 |
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch! |
| 00:46:23 |
Your party-boy bullshit |
| 00:46:28 |
And you're about to find out |
| 00:46:30 |
I wanna watch! |
| 00:46:31 |
This should teach you |
| 00:46:39 |
Hold him! |
| 00:46:44 |
Come on, Wilder. Drink up! |
| 00:46:51 |
Had enough? |
| 00:46:53 |
You wouldn't happen to have |
| 00:46:59 |
Screw it. |
| 00:47:04 |
How your face feel? |
| 00:47:07 |
Like a punching bag. |
| 00:47:09 |
Maybe you should find another girl. |
| 00:47:13 |
No, it's not just the girl, Farley. |
| 00:47:16 |
Dirk and Reardon and all the rest |
| 00:47:20 |
need to learn they can't run |
| 00:47:29 |
Oh, man! Who's been feeding |
| 00:47:38 |
Farley, get some gloves. |
| 00:47:44 |
All right, girls! |
| 00:47:49 |
This is covert ops! I want it by the book! |
| 00:47:52 |
Now camo up! Let's go! |
| 00:47:54 |
-Sir, yes, sir! |
| 00:47:57 |
-Jesus, it smells. |
| 00:48:01 |
Put it on! |
| 00:48:03 |
Mother of God! |
| 00:48:06 |
Sir, he's right. It smells like... |
| 00:48:09 |
What do you want it |
| 00:48:12 |
Put it on! |
| 00:48:23 |
All right, troops, one mile left. |
| 00:48:29 |
-What happened to your face? |
| 00:48:40 |
Oh, Dirk! |
| 00:48:41 |
Not now, honeybear, |
| 00:48:45 |
-What's that smell? |
| 00:48:48 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:48:53 |
Well, it smells like crap. |
| 00:49:01 |
-Is that corn? |
| 00:49:07 |
Ran into a tool, huh? |
| 00:49:19 |
-Wilder is dead! |
| 00:49:21 |
-It's against the rules. |
| 00:49:24 |
-Now you sound like Van. |
| 00:49:27 |
Don't you dare say that name to me! |
| 00:49:30 |
I don't even wanna hear that name! |
| 00:49:34 |
-Dirk, calm down. |
| 00:49:37 |
Excuse me? |
| 00:49:40 |
Oh, you heard me, Corporal. |
| 00:49:41 |
I don't want you to see him. |
| 00:49:45 |
Or what? You'll beat him up again? |
| 00:49:48 |
He's not one of us, Kaitlin! |
| 00:49:52 |
-Yeah? |
| 00:49:55 |
Well, then, I don't wanna be one of us, |
| 00:49:59 |
Wait, what? You can't break up with me. |
| 00:50:02 |
We have cuddle-wuddle time |
| 00:50:05 |
Cuddle your gun. |
| 00:50:13 |
Oh, and you can keep |
| 00:50:30 |
Where are the others? |
| 00:50:33 |
Just you and me today, soldier. |
| 00:50:34 |
Figured you need |
| 00:50:39 |
You have 10 minutes to run the course. |
| 00:50:40 |
Let's see if you can keep up. |
| 00:50:43 |
Care to make it interesting? |
| 00:50:46 |
If I win, you have to let me take you out. |
| 00:50:49 |
Nothing sexual, |
| 00:50:52 |
And if you don't? |
| 00:50:54 |
I'll do latrine duty for a month. |
| 00:50:57 |
-You're on. |
| 00:51:00 |
You already have. |
| 00:52:20 |
You're running out of time! |
| 00:52:22 |
I can't. I don't have any... |
| 00:52:25 |
Come on. You have 10 seconds. |
| 00:52:29 |
Hey, Wilder! |
| 00:52:32 |
Do you want this, or what? |
| 00:52:42 |
I knew you had it in you. |
| 00:52:44 |
Piece of cake. |
| 00:52:46 |
Let me know if you find my right testicle. |
| 00:52:49 |
Come on, milk dud. |
| 00:52:54 |
Mother! |
| 00:52:56 |
All right. |
| 00:53:01 |
Look at 'em, Lieutenant. |
| 00:53:03 |
Morons, listening to their retard rock. |
| 00:53:07 |
Horn dogs, tongue-dancing, |
| 00:53:10 |
You see what's happening down there, |
| 00:53:12 |
Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts. |
| 00:53:17 |
I'm losing control, damn it, |
| 00:53:21 |
Do you know who's behind it, sir? |
| 00:53:24 |
I know who's behind it, all right. |
| 00:53:26 |
It's that same rooster that's been |
| 00:53:34 |
Looks like somebody |
| 00:53:38 |
Forget it. |
| 00:53:39 |
Beating him up is like beating off. |
| 00:53:41 |
It might feel good doing it, |
| 00:53:44 |
we're just standing there |
| 00:53:46 |
-No. We need something more. |
| 00:53:50 |
Beat up his roommate, sir. |
| 00:53:52 |
God damn it, boy. You stupid? |
| 00:53:55 |
Wait a minute. |
| 00:53:58 |
Isn't his roommate that pothead? |
| 00:54:00 |
-Yeah. |
| 00:54:03 |
Lieutenant, I have got an idea. |
| 00:54:42 |
Milady, your chariot awaits. |
| 00:54:45 |
-How did you get this? |
| 00:54:49 |
We go way back. |
| 00:54:52 |
Thanks. |
| 00:55:02 |
This is incredible. |
| 00:55:03 |
You said you always |
| 00:55:05 |
I thought we'd start with the tropics. |
| 00:55:08 |
Oh, I almost forgot, |
| 00:55:15 |
-What is it? |
| 00:55:17 |
-I call it the amputated leg. |
| 00:55:20 |
'Cause if you have more |
| 00:55:40 |
Christ! Look at this place. |
| 00:55:45 |
-You want a cosmo? |
| 00:55:49 |
Get over here! Stupid ass. |
| 00:55:53 |
You have the stuff? |
| 00:55:56 |
You have no idea |
| 00:56:02 |
Put it over there in that plant thingy. |
| 00:56:04 |
Technically, that's a variegated ficus. |
| 00:56:17 |
Yes, hello. I'd like to report |
| 00:56:19 |
of some illegal narcotics. |
| 00:56:22 |
I can't believe I'm doing this, |
| 00:56:25 |
drinking and riding |
| 00:56:28 |
God bless America. |
| 00:56:31 |
You know, what you've done here, |
| 00:56:35 |
Well, Farley's the one |
| 00:56:37 |
Shut up. I mean here, this, Coolidge. |
| 00:56:42 |
I don't know. People seem happier. |
| 00:56:45 |
That's because |
| 00:56:47 |
They don't have some father figure |
| 00:56:49 |
Oh, back to the father issues. |
| 00:56:54 |
You know a little bit about mine. |
| 00:56:56 |
-What about yours? |
| 00:56:59 |
My father's a sergeant. |
| 00:57:02 |
He always wanted a son |
| 00:57:04 |
Guess I'm just trying to get it half right. |
| 00:57:06 |
Yeah, but the real question is, |
| 00:57:11 |
Family makes me happy. Tradition. |
| 00:57:13 |
Tradition is something that keeps |
| 00:57:17 |
I think at some point you gotta say, |
| 00:57:21 |
''So quit busting my balls.'' |
| 00:57:24 |
Yeah, I'll be sure to mention that when |
| 00:57:27 |
You might wanna leave out |
| 00:57:31 |
We should have a toast. |
| 00:57:39 |
-To Coolidge. |
| 00:57:43 |
To us. |
| 00:57:54 |
Shall I take you home? |
| 00:57:56 |
Actually, there's something |
| 00:58:00 |
that I've been dying to see. |
| 00:58:04 |
My God, it's huge. |
| 00:58:08 |
Well, Farley and I both live here. |
| 00:58:11 |
Yu uses the hot tub. |
| 00:58:12 |
I think this is the bigger than some of |
| 00:58:18 |
I think it's a lot like me. |
| 00:58:20 |
Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined, |
| 00:58:25 |
and it could definitely use a woman's |
| 00:58:30 |
touch. |
| 00:58:31 |
I've always wanted to do that. |
| 00:58:43 |
The amputated leg strikes again. |
| 00:58:47 |
-Are your roommates around? |
| 00:58:51 |
-So they'll be back soon. |
| 00:58:55 |
That's good. |
| 00:58:56 |
With Dirk, I always felt like someone |
| 00:59:00 |
Don't move! |
| 00:59:02 |
Search the place. |
| 00:59:05 |
Are you in some kind of trouble? |
| 00:59:07 |
Either that, or the library has seriously |
| 00:59:11 |
We got an anonymous tip |
| 00:59:14 |
being hidden in the plant thingy. |
| 00:59:19 |
There's nothing in the bag. |
| 00:59:24 |
False alarm. |
| 00:59:27 |
You kids have a nice evening. |
| 00:59:32 |
Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up. |
| 00:59:39 |
What just happened? |
| 00:59:44 |
What wrong with Colossus? |
| 00:59:47 |
Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed. |
| 00:59:50 |
He must've eaten a whole pound. |
| 00:59:54 |
Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man. |
| 01:00:01 |
Hydroponic. |
| 01:00:02 |
You know, |
| 01:00:05 |
but nobody screws my pooch. |
| 01:00:07 |
It's Dirk. It's gotta be. |
| 01:00:09 |
He's trying to get even with me |
| 01:00:12 |
You two broke up? |
| 01:00:14 |
Sorry to hear that. |
| 01:00:16 |
I just can't believe he'd go this far. |
| 01:00:20 |
I don't think he did. |
| 01:00:22 |
I think old Dirky boy's playing |
| 01:00:27 |
And now it's our turn to spin the wheel. |
| 01:00:30 |
What do you mean, he wasn't arrested? |
| 01:00:32 |
We didn't find any drugs. |
| 01:00:34 |
Officer, can you tell me why, |
| 01:00:38 |
of higher learning, |
| 01:00:41 |
-It's time for your massage, sir. |
| 01:00:44 |
Get out. You're incompetent. |
| 01:00:53 |
One? I usually have two girls. |
| 01:00:57 |
Me no disappoint. |
| 01:01:02 |
Holy Schwarzkopf. |
| 01:01:04 |
Oh, yeah. |
| 01:01:14 |
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it! |
| 01:01:16 |
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it! |
| 01:01:17 |
Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon? |
| 01:01:24 |
Big, strong Gl. |
| 01:01:28 |
You know, you Charlie ain't so bad. |
| 01:01:31 |
Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam. |
| 01:01:38 |
-You want happy ending? |
| 01:01:47 |
-What's this? |
| 01:01:57 |
Why your soldier not stand at attention? |
| 01:02:00 |
It will, it will. |
| 01:02:10 |
Very good. |
| 01:02:20 |
This is something you'll like very much! |
| 01:02:23 |
I cannot wait very much. |
| 01:02:27 |
Yeah. |
| 01:02:29 |
Your soldier stand at attention now. |
| 01:02:33 |
-You likey, likey? |
| 01:02:36 |
-You ready for mouth massage? |
| 01:02:41 |
Here it come. |
| 01:02:51 |
Easy there, easy there. |
| 01:02:54 |
-Feel good? |
| 01:02:57 |
Watch Huck and Buck, there. |
| 01:02:58 |
No touching. |
| 01:03:02 |
That feels good. |
| 01:03:12 |
That is so hot. |
| 01:03:23 |
Charles! |
| 01:03:36 |
So dirty. |
| 01:03:38 |
I promise I will never make you |
| 01:03:43 |
Given the events of this afternoon, |
| 01:03:49 |
there is only one thing |
| 01:03:52 |
-A rabies shot, sir? |
| 01:03:55 |
I want Wilder. |
| 01:03:56 |
He's turned my wife against me, |
| 01:04:02 |
he even turned my dog against me. |
| 01:04:06 |
Wish we could just kick him out! |
| 01:04:07 |
There's gotta be some way |
| 01:04:10 |
Oh, I would love to see the look |
| 01:04:15 |
when he finds out his son is expelled. |
| 01:04:17 |
I would love to see the look |
| 01:04:19 |
when he realizes |
| 01:04:22 |
isn't joining the Army. |
| 01:04:24 |
Will you shut the hell... |
| 01:04:28 |
-Whose dad? |
| 01:04:34 |
Lieutenant! I've got it. |
| 01:04:36 |
We are gonna finish Wilder. |
| 01:04:38 |
-And your former squeeze, too. |
| 01:04:41 |
In order to do that, |
| 01:04:45 |
I need you to find me some skanks. |
| 01:04:48 |
Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin, |
| 01:04:51 |
No more special treatment. |
| 01:04:57 |
Nothing personal, Corporal. |
| 01:05:01 |
It's set. You think you can get |
| 01:05:05 |
They'll do whatever I tell them to do. |
| 01:05:08 |
Awesome. |
| 01:05:10 |
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan! |
| 01:05:20 |
What? What are you doing? Don't stop! |
| 01:05:25 |
Out of ammo. |
| 01:05:28 |
Hand me your gun! |
| 01:05:37 |
Ten-hut! |
| 01:05:41 |
I taught him that. |
| 01:05:49 |
What's wrong? |
| 01:05:52 |
It's Dirk. |
| 01:05:54 |
He knew I was going to dinner tonight |
| 01:05:56 |
and he deliberately |
| 01:06:00 |
So don't go. |
| 01:06:02 |
Van, guard duty isn't something |
| 01:06:05 |
If you miss it, or screw up, |
| 01:06:09 |
Which is exactly how the boys |
| 01:06:13 |
-You're gonna do it? |
| 01:06:16 |
but I think I can handle it. |
| 01:06:21 |
What, don't you trust me? |
| 01:06:24 |
I trust you. |
| 01:06:45 |
But we have dates tonight! Hot ones! |
| 01:06:48 |
Irving, trust me. |
| 01:06:49 |
That sucking action is not realistic, |
| 01:06:53 |
I mean real dates this time, Van! |
| 01:06:57 |
-Human females? |
| 01:07:01 |
Tell you what. They can come along. |
| 01:07:03 |
Yes! Up, up, down, down, left, |
| 01:07:09 |
Now, what exactly are we guarding? |
| 01:07:11 |
You will not get inside |
| 01:07:14 |
You do not touch the Humvee. |
| 01:07:20 |
Then how are we supposed |
| 01:07:21 |
You do not look at the Humvee! |
| 01:07:26 |
Now, |
| 01:07:29 |
this guard duty better come out |
| 01:07:33 |
or somebody's gonna have their ass |
| 01:07:38 |
Any questions? |
| 01:07:39 |
Will you be the one |
| 01:07:45 |
Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming. |
| 01:07:54 |
I am really starting to like that guy. |
| 01:08:04 |
-So, how's college? |
| 01:08:09 |
I'm taking a lot of interesting courses. |
| 01:08:13 |
You know, Dirk called me the other day. |
| 01:08:15 |
Said you had broken up with him. |
| 01:08:18 |
Yeah, well, |
| 01:08:21 |
I met somebody else. |
| 01:08:24 |
He a military man? |
| 01:08:26 |
He respects the military. |
| 01:08:32 |
Ladies. |
| 01:08:35 |
Irving! You invited the ''dick'' girls? |
| 01:08:39 |
This is a bad idea. |
| 01:08:41 |
Van, don't be such a dork. |
| 01:08:45 |
Howdy, heathen. |
| 01:08:51 |
Well, honey, with school and Dirk, |
| 01:08:53 |
and everything that's been |
| 01:08:55 |
I just wanna know one thing. Are you... |
| 01:08:57 |
-Yes, Dad. I'm happy. |
| 01:09:01 |
But are you still on track |
| 01:09:09 |
Listen, guys. |
| 01:09:11 |
Maybe we should slow down |
| 01:09:14 |
I am Mars, god of war! |
| 01:09:17 |
Who amongst you shall engage |
| 01:09:24 |
Hey, soldier! Wanna fuck? |
| 01:09:31 |
No. Thank you. |
| 01:09:33 |
I do anal. |
| 01:09:37 |
Corporal Hayes. |
| 01:09:41 |
I was on the other side |
| 01:09:43 |
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. |
| 01:09:45 |
The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant. |
| 01:09:47 |
came from such good stock. |
| 01:09:50 |
Well, hopefully she will climb |
| 01:09:54 |
I have no doubt, Sergeant. |
| 01:09:57 |
Her record is flawless. |
| 01:09:59 |
Say, you're about done here. |
| 01:10:01 |
Would you like a tour? You could see |
| 01:10:05 |
I don't think that's such a good idea. |
| 01:10:07 |
-I'd love to, sir. |
| 01:10:09 |
I'm really proud of you. Love to see it. |
| 01:10:12 |
Come on. Show off for your old man. |
| 01:10:14 |
-Please? |
| 01:10:15 |
-You're gonna enjoy this. |
| 01:10:20 |
Oh, you know what? I forgot my purse, |
| 01:10:23 |
-All right. |
| 01:10:26 |
You know what I wanna do to you? |
| 01:10:28 |
Leave me alone permanently? |
| 01:10:31 |
Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey! |
| 01:10:34 |
No means no. |
| 01:10:46 |
Come on, Van. Pick up. |
| 01:10:52 |
Miss Hayes. |
| 01:10:54 |
Shall we? |
| 01:11:11 |
You're about to be very proud |
| 01:11:20 |
What in God's name... |
| 01:11:25 |
Kaitlin, this is your unit? |
| 01:11:29 |
For the last time, no! |
| 01:11:31 |
Van? |
| 01:11:36 |
You must be Kaitlin's father. |
| 01:11:39 |
Corporal Hayes, I thought you were |
| 01:11:43 |
I thought you were officer material. |
| 01:11:46 |
Do you understand |
| 01:11:48 |
-Colonel Reardon, I... |
| 01:11:50 |
any punishment you deem fit, sir. |
| 01:11:54 |
Wait. I can explain. |
| 01:11:56 |
Kaitlin, let me explain. |
| 01:12:00 |
-That a boy, Dirk. |
| 01:12:03 |
Let's go, Kaitlin. |
| 01:12:06 |
Now. |
| 01:12:08 |
You're disgusting. |
| 01:12:13 |
Call me. |
| 01:12:18 |
You realize it's my duty |
| 01:12:22 |
Gonna put a pretty big stain |
| 01:12:26 |
But it's about time you learn there are |
| 01:12:29 |
What do you want from me? |
| 01:12:31 |
Isn't it obvious? |
| 01:12:34 |
Running home to Daddy |
| 01:12:37 |
What if I say no? |
| 01:12:39 |
Well, then I guess Miss Hayes' |
| 01:12:41 |
to a rather premature and ignoble end. |
| 01:12:46 |
Tell you what. |
| 01:12:47 |
Having some people over |
| 01:12:49 |
to discuss our annual war games. |
| 01:12:51 |
Why don't you give me |
| 01:12:53 |
Good seeing you. |
| 01:14:39 |
A Wilder never quits. |
| 01:14:42 |
So I said, ''I've got some |
| 01:14:44 |
''I can affirm that your dumbass kid |
| 01:14:46 |
''any action at my school.'' |
| 01:14:50 |
Yo! |
| 01:14:52 |
Cap'n Crunch! |
| 01:14:55 |
I've made my decision. |
| 01:14:57 |
I've decided we should settle this, |
| 01:15:00 |
Like men. No more sneaking, |
| 01:15:04 |
Let's just get it all right out in the open. |
| 01:15:08 |
I'm sorry, I don't know |
| 01:15:10 |
You've got a problem with my father, |
| 01:15:13 |
a problem with my name, |
| 01:15:16 |
But I'll be damned |
| 01:15:20 |
and your little peons |
| 01:15:24 |
and hurt the people I care about, |
| 01:15:25 |
because, even though you dragged her |
| 01:15:28 |
this has never really been |
| 01:15:31 |
on her worst day, will be a better officer |
| 01:15:37 |
That girI's got bigger balls than you, me, |
| 01:15:42 |
I have had enough |
| 01:15:47 |
Get out. |
| 01:15:49 |
Games? |
| 01:15:52 |
You wanna play games? |
| 01:15:53 |
How about |
| 01:15:58 |
Loser leaves Coolidge. For good. |
| 01:16:01 |
What do you think about that? |
| 01:16:04 |
I think you're in |
| 01:16:08 |
If I was your son, I'd kick my own ass. |
| 01:16:17 |
I'm sorry. |
| 01:16:24 |
You're finished, Wilder. Finished. |
| 01:16:29 |
Miss Hayes, |
| 01:16:32 |
I am going to remove |
| 01:16:35 |
and I am giving you |
| 01:16:39 |
for officer training school. |
| 01:16:41 |
Thank you, sir. |
| 01:16:43 |
But I'm afraid I'll have to decline. |
| 01:16:46 |
The officer training school |
| 01:16:48 |
received the most honorable training. |
| 01:16:50 |
Your name on my recommendation |
| 01:16:56 |
In other words, sir, go fuck yourself! |
| 01:17:07 |
Kaitlin! |
| 01:17:11 |
Kaitlin. |
| 01:17:14 |
I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry. |
| 01:17:20 |
-He's right. |
| 01:17:22 |
Kaitlin, I wanted you to be a soldier. |
| 01:17:26 |
I still do. |
| 01:17:28 |
But if getting there means having |
| 01:17:30 |
then it ain't worth a damn. |
| 01:17:34 |
You don't join the Army to follow. |
| 01:17:38 |
And the only way to lead |
| 01:17:44 |
That's my girl. |
| 01:17:48 |
None of this is gonna work. |
| 01:17:50 |
We need a man who actually knows |
| 01:17:53 |
How about a woman? |
| 01:18:03 |
Kaitlin, I swear to God, |
| 01:18:07 |
Okay? It was man rape. |
| 01:18:11 |
Save it. I only wanna know one thing. |
| 01:18:15 |
Are you ready to enter an alliance, |
| 01:18:24 |
It seems he is. |
| 01:18:27 |
Okay, enough of the soft stuff. |
| 01:18:30 |
Reardon's got us outnumbered |
| 01:18:32 |
so there's no way |
| 01:18:35 |
We're gonna fight him |
| 01:18:37 |
What do we do? |
| 01:18:39 |
We do the only thing you guys |
| 01:18:47 |
Anyone who loses an armband |
| 01:18:51 |
Whoever captures |
| 01:18:53 |
Reardon's Raiders, who's your general? |
| 01:18:56 |
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir! |
| 01:18:59 |
Your team will wear the yellow bands. |
| 01:19:01 |
Team Maverick, who's your general? |
| 01:19:06 |
That would be me. |
| 01:19:10 |
How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me? |
| 01:19:15 |
Hey. |
| 01:19:18 |
Your team will wear the orange bands. |
| 01:19:21 |
The game begins |
| 01:19:25 |
I hope you're prepared, gentlemen. |
| 01:19:28 |
Someone's going home today. |
| 01:19:34 |
All right, let's listen up. |
| 01:19:37 |
past the lake. Second squad, right flank. |
| 01:19:42 |
Third squad, head on. |
| 01:19:45 |
And our recon team, |
| 01:19:47 |
well, let's just say |
| 01:19:51 |
Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me. |
| 01:19:52 |
Corporal Benedict, |
| 01:19:55 |
All right, men, there's the siren. |
| 01:19:56 |
Now, let's get these bastards! |
| 01:19:58 |
-Raiders! |
| 01:20:01 |
Colonel, we got recon |
| 01:20:04 |
Recon, report. Can you see their base? |
| 01:20:06 |
-I have a visual, sir. |
| 01:20:08 |
-Shots, sir. |
| 01:20:11 |
No, sir. Jell-O shots. |
| 01:20:13 |
I repeat, Jell-O shots. |
| 01:20:16 |
-They've got explosives? |
| 01:20:18 |
The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast. |
| 01:20:23 |
What the hell's he talking about? |
| 01:20:24 |
Sounds like they're having a goddamn... |
| 01:20:25 |
Party! |
| 01:20:38 |
So, where did all this sand come from? |
| 01:20:41 |
Thank Sheik Mohammad. |
| 01:20:45 |
Who? |
| 01:20:51 |
-How we doing? |
| 01:20:53 |
Give Reardon the feed. |
| 01:20:57 |
Recon report. |
| 01:20:59 |
Sir. Something's happening |
| 01:21:01 |
Testing, testing, check, check, hello. |
| 01:21:03 |
I'm sorry, they can't come |
| 01:21:07 |
Would you like to leave a message? |
| 01:21:08 |
How the hell did you eliminate my men? |
| 01:21:11 |
Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word. |
| 01:21:15 |
Van Wilder rules! |
| 01:21:23 |
You tell first squad to move in. |
| 01:21:26 |
And have Benedict on standby |
| 01:21:29 |
Corporal Benedict! |
| 01:21:33 |
Yes, sir! |
| 01:21:34 |
Stand by for deployment. |
| 01:21:36 |
Yes, sir. |
| 01:21:37 |
You heard him! |
| 01:21:40 |
That way! |
| 01:21:53 |
Hey, guys! |
| 01:21:58 |
Come skinny-dipping! |
| 01:22:06 |
What the hell? |
| 01:22:09 |
I seen this in a porno once. |
| 01:22:12 |
-Have you seen this before? |
| 01:22:15 |
Jump in, baby. |
| 01:22:23 |
Wait for me! |
| 01:22:42 |
First squad, report! Report, damn it! |
| 01:22:46 |
Sorry about your troops, Chuck, |
| 01:22:50 |
not war. |
| 01:22:55 |
Son of a bitch. |
| 01:22:58 |
Gotta conga. |
| 01:23:13 |
Hello! |
| 01:23:14 |
-Sir, we found their general. |
| 01:23:19 |
Well, don't just stand there, |
| 01:23:23 |
Grab him! |
| 01:23:28 |
Give me the armband, General. |
| 01:23:32 |
I told you it was a sand trap. |
| 01:23:38 |
Ladies. |
| 01:23:46 |
I still got it. |
| 01:23:48 |
Well, did they get him? |
| 01:23:51 |
Not exactly. |
| 01:23:58 |
-Permission to get angry, sir. |
| 01:24:01 |
Denied! |
| 01:24:15 |
Wet your whistle? |
| 01:24:19 |
Where the hell is third squad? |
| 01:24:23 |
Hey, Chuck! I just wanna let you know, |
| 01:24:33 |
God damn you, Wilder! |
| 01:24:37 |
Well, what are you doing |
| 01:24:39 |
Why don't you pussies get out there |
| 01:24:42 |
-Go! |
| 01:24:52 |
I can't feel my hair anymore, man. |
| 01:24:54 |
That means it's working. |
| 01:25:00 |
I wouldn't go any farther if I were you. |
| 01:25:03 |
Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You? |
| 01:25:11 |
Exactly. |
| 01:25:28 |
Is that all you've got? |
| 01:26:03 |
-I'll go after them, sir. |
| 01:26:06 |
Get me Corporal Benedict. |
| 01:26:07 |
We'll take the Humvee |
| 01:26:13 |
You're a genius. |
| 01:26:15 |
Corporal Benedict. |
| 01:26:18 |
Corporal Benedict! |
| 01:26:21 |
Dirk, have I ever told you |
| 01:26:24 |
We all love you. Yeah! |
| 01:26:27 |
-What? |
| 01:26:29 |
Have you felt the helmets? |
| 01:26:33 |
Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft. |
| 01:26:36 |
You fucking fruitcake! |
| 01:26:41 |
-What was that? |
| 01:26:46 |
Okay, Chuck. We got your boys. |
| 01:26:50 |
surrender and join the party? |
| 01:26:51 |
Never. Surrender? Surrender? |
| 01:26:56 |
I'd rather see my uncle naked again. |
| 01:27:05 |
It was an accident. |
| 01:27:07 |
If you want me, Wilder, |
| 01:27:11 |
-Shall we? |
| 01:27:16 |
Get out there and stop them! Now! Go! |
| 01:27:20 |
He's a little pissant! |
| 01:27:24 |
Let me go with you. |
| 01:27:26 |
Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight |
| 01:27:33 |
-Go get him. |
| 01:27:49 |
There's the base! |
| 01:27:56 |
Kaitlin. |
| 01:27:58 |
I knew you'd come back for me. |
| 01:28:01 |
What do you say? I go high, you go low? |
| 01:28:03 |
No. This asshole's all mine. Go. |
| 01:28:08 |
-You sure? |
| 01:28:16 |
Come to papa, honeybear. |
| 01:28:23 |
You got nothin'. |
| 01:28:28 |
-I could do this all day. |
| 01:28:32 |
Your hair smells really nice. |
| 01:28:45 |
-Not so fast. |
| 01:28:47 |
Get up. |
| 01:28:51 |
Hot stuff. |
| 01:28:53 |
You smell good. |
| 01:28:55 |
Wish you fought this hard |
| 01:29:01 |
See, this is why women will never |
| 01:29:05 |
You got nothing between your legs. |
| 01:29:09 |
Shit! |
| 01:29:13 |
Yeah? Well, that makes two of us, |
| 01:29:22 |
Nice BB gun. |
| 01:29:23 |
I got one just like it at home. |
| 01:29:28 |
Maybe not. |
| 01:29:29 |
Let me tell you what's wrong |
| 01:29:32 |
You think you can change the world |
| 01:29:36 |
Well, here's a tip, son, |
| 01:29:40 |
You crush a few, the rest will scatter. |
| 01:29:46 |
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting. |
| 01:29:48 |
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting. |
| 01:29:50 |
But the last laugh is mine. |
| 01:29:58 |
God damn dog! |
| 01:30:04 |
Like I said, nobody screws my pooch. |
| 01:30:09 |
Sit! |
| 01:30:11 |
Good boy. |
| 01:30:20 |
Orange team wins! |
| 01:30:27 |
Wilder, this isn't over. |
| 01:30:29 |
And if you think I'm quitting, |
| 01:30:32 |
Hey! Listen up! I am doubling security! |
| 01:30:37 |
And I am rewriting the rule book! |
| 01:30:38 |
I'm gonna make the old Coolidge |
| 01:30:43 |
And you can't stop me. |
| 01:30:45 |
No. But he can. |
| 01:30:50 |
Thomas, what the hell are you doing? |
| 01:30:52 |
-He's not one of us. |
| 01:30:55 |
Now you're gonna have |
| 01:30:59 |
-Get him out of here. |
| 01:31:01 |
Remember who stamps your paycheck. |
| 01:31:03 |
-Are you resisting arrest? |
| 01:31:06 |
Thank you. |
| 01:31:11 |
This is for putting up with your bullshit. |
| 01:31:14 |
And this |
| 01:31:17 |
is for denying my kid's admission. |
| 01:31:20 |
How affirmative is that action, bitch? |
| 01:31:31 |
Corporal, those were about some of the |
| 01:31:36 |
I'll be sure to note that |
| 01:31:38 |
for officer training school. |
| 01:31:46 |
Now, if you'll excuse me, |
| 01:31:48 |
I believe I'll engage in a body shot. |
| 01:31:56 |
I'm proud of you, Son. |
| 01:31:58 |
-Hey. |
| 01:31:59 |
Van, I'd like you to meet |
| 01:32:06 |
Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby tendering |
| 01:32:11 |
Very good. |
| 01:32:12 |
It's been the utmost pleasure |
| 01:32:14 |
-Yeah. |
| 01:32:17 |
I'll see you back |
| 01:32:21 |
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! |
| 01:32:26 |
Yeah! |
| 01:32:28 |
-So, what do you think? |
| 01:32:31 |
Oh, I think you've proven yourself here. |
| 01:32:35 |
Actually, I've been giving it |
| 01:32:39 |
and I've decided to stay in school. |
| 01:32:41 |
A smart man once told me that tradition |
| 01:32:44 |
is something you just don't break. |
| 01:32:48 |
Write that down. |
| 01:32:51 |
Let's go. |
| 01:33:00 |
-So, you wanna get out of here? |
| 01:33:05 |
Trust me. |
| 01:33:08 |
There'll be more. |
| 01:33:16 |
Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk? |
| 01:33:21 |
Sir, I don't mean to alarm you, |
| 01:33:26 |
What do you mean, something's about... |
| 01:33:28 |
-Stand down, Corporal! |
| 01:33:30 |
Stand... |
| 01:33:44 |
Remember when I said the best things |
| 01:33:47 |
-Yeah. |
| 01:33:50 |
Van! |
| 01:33:53 |
Van, what are you doing? Put that away. |
| 01:33:57 |
You're insane. Not here. |
| 01:34:25 |
Now, all this stuff |
| 01:34:28 |
you've heard about Coolidge |
| 01:34:30 |
is a lot of doggy dung. |
| 01:34:31 |
-Stand down. |
| 01:34:33 |
I'm flanking your ass. |
| 01:34:41 |
Do you have any poison? |
| 01:34:42 |
-You're tearing it. |
| 01:34:44 |
I'm gonna need stitches. |
| 01:34:46 |
With some testosterone-pumping, |
| 01:34:48 |
pituitary-fucking Neanderthal, |
| 01:34:54 |
Fuck me. |
| 01:34:56 |
Fuck, that scared me! |
| 01:34:59 |
-Let's fuck! |
| 01:35:02 |
Take her shirt off, grab the boob. |
| 01:35:10 |
Cut! |
| 01:35:14 |
It's a challenge to... |
| 01:35:16 |
Now, I'm not saying |
| 01:35:19 |
Some of us may fall, |
| 01:35:24 |
Oh, easy there, easy. |
| 01:35:27 |
This a new experience for you? |
| 01:35:30 |
Yeah. I usually use my old balls. |
| 01:35:34 |
Big old, colonel, |
| 01:35:37 |
Hey, when I'm off camera, |
| 01:35:42 |
You gotta admit, though, |
| 01:35:47 |
Hey, watch those teeth. |
| 01:35:51 |
Who's my big, bad boy? |
| 01:35:56 |
-I'm your big, bad boy. |
| 01:35:58 |
Oh, God. I haven't been this |
| 01:36:02 |
''Feel good, yeah?'' Feels good. |
| 01:36:04 |
That's how you'd say it, |
| 01:36:09 |
You know my spot, Lieutenant. |
| 01:36:12 |
Holy shit! That thing pops! |
| 01:36:16 |
College is a team. |
| 01:36:18 |
It lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky, |
| 01:36:24 |
I love the smell of gasoline |
| 01:36:27 |
Yummy, yum, yeah. |
| 01:36:29 |
You wanna go back to my house |
| 01:36:30 |
and watch Mean Girls? |
| 01:36:32 |
Yeah, Mean Girls is all right, |
| 01:36:34 |
I think he's dreamy. |
| 01:36:36 |
He scheduled me for guard duty. |
| 01:36:39 |
What? |
| 01:36:40 |
So, you wanna go back |
| 01:36:43 |
-and maybe flip on The Hills? |
| 01:36:47 |
He knew I was going to dinner |
| 01:36:51 |
I think Brody Jenner's your competition |
| 01:36:54 |
I just... I'm gonna jerk off right here. |
| 01:36:56 |
and just jerk off right in front of you. |
| 01:36:58 |
You lick my dick 'cause you like taste. |
| 01:37:02 |
Turn around, turn around. |
| 01:37:03 |
You motherfucker, asshole dick-licker! |
| 01:37:05 |
I've got 13 Going on 30. |
| 01:37:08 |
I've seen it. I'll watch it again. |
| 01:37:09 |
-Ruffalo's bomb. |
| 01:37:11 |
You asshole dick-licker! |
| 01:37:13 |
Could be like this. You and me always. |
| 01:37:17 |
What do you say, once we get loose, |
| 01:37:19 |
and fuck for a week? |
| 01:37:21 |
Robert Levy's not paying me |
| 01:37:24 |
-Is that sweat? |
| 01:37:27 |
You gotta eat dirt |
| 01:37:31 |
Sometimes you have got to stand up |
| 01:37:33 |
before you can lie down with a woman. |
| 01:37:35 |
You gotta get your guard on |
| 01:37:38 |
Nothing? You know... Hold on a second. |
| 01:37:42 |
Wait. Hold on. |
| 01:37:43 |
What do you tell a woman |
| 01:37:45 |
Nothing. You already told her twice. |
| 01:38:22 |
Hand me your gun. |
| 01:38:26 |
I can't quit you. |
