Wedding Crashers

en
00:00:04 MAN: I don't have custody of the kids
00:00:07 WOMAN: It is pathetic
00:00:09 MAN: Right now, she doesn't know
00:00:11 WOMAN:
00:00:12 MAN:
00:00:13 WOMAN: I'm so sick to death of you
00:00:16 MAN: They're probably
00:00:18 WOMAN:
00:00:19 I'm sick of you accusing me
00:00:21 MAN: Are they home?
00:00:23 MAN: A perfect mother?
00:00:25 WOMAN: Just remember how you--
00:00:27 Where is Tim right now?
00:00:28 WOMAN:
00:00:29 -I hate you!
00:00:31 Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
00:00:34 -I told you this was a bad idea.
00:00:36 A bad idea would be to let your client
00:00:39 ...and drag this thing out for another year,
00:00:43 The only good idea is to let
00:00:46 ...and mediate this thing right here.
00:00:47 You wanna hear the crazy thing?
00:00:49 I know it doesn't feel like it,
00:00:52 JEREMY: Mm-hm.
00:00:54 That takes us to frequent-flyer miles.
00:00:57 KROEGER: Those are mine.
00:00:58 We're gonna split them
00:01:00 How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?
00:01:02 It would be not good at all.
00:01:05 Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver
00:01:08 Oh, Lord.
00:01:09 Well, she's not afraid
00:01:11 She is a stripper, for God's sake!
00:01:13 -She is not.
00:01:16 She is white trash. Same as you.
00:01:18 Hillbilly.
00:01:20 That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
00:01:23 You shut your mouth
00:01:26 Hold it. This is getting confusing.
00:01:29 You didn't always hate each other.
00:01:31 There had to be nice moments,
00:01:33 -Or the wedding?
00:01:36 -You have your families.
00:01:38 Families coming together.
00:01:40 -What'd you have to eat?
00:01:42 Are you kidding me?
00:01:45 -I love them. They're phenomenal.
00:01:48 -Yeah.
00:01:50 Who gives a shit? It's a great band,
00:01:53 It's good no matter what. There's music!
00:01:54 You get them playing "Shout"
00:01:57 [SINGING THE ISLEY BROTHERS'
00:02:02 JEREMY:
00:02:03 Rubbing up against each other,
00:02:06 ...trying to make it honest. I get it.
00:02:08 Guys, the real enemy here
00:02:12 It's not realistic, it's crazy.
00:02:14 Don't do this for the other person.
00:02:16 -Say yes to yourself and your future.
00:02:18 Have some opportunities for yourself.
00:02:22 ...maybe go out and meet some
00:02:24 ...grind up on you,
00:02:28 And you? Don't you wanna
00:02:30 ...without wondering if anyone's
00:02:32 JOHN: Wouldn't that be sweet?
00:02:34 And have some Latin guy
00:02:36 ...talking to you in languages
00:02:38 ...needing you, wanting you, taking you?
00:02:40 All we're trying to say is...
00:02:43 ...put your swords away for a second.
00:02:45 Let's finish this and let's move on.
00:02:48 Get out there and get some strange ass.
00:02:51 Could you give her a glass of water
00:02:58 Hey, John, that's weird.
00:03:02 Wow, now that you mention it,
00:03:08 He can have the miles.
00:03:10 No, sweetie, you take the miles.
00:03:14 Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork
00:03:17 This is just semantics. You guys
00:03:20 ...we'll take a couple. The big thing is
00:03:23 Could you two just not talk anymore?
00:03:39 Oh, good, you got it.
00:03:42 -Yes. Why do you need this?
00:03:44 I sleep over at John's house
00:03:46 Okay, that's not creepy.
00:03:49 I guess it is a little creepy...
00:03:50 ...when a young man
00:03:53 ...loses both of his parents in a tragic
00:03:58 ...and then has a best friend
00:04:00 ...that he will never spend
00:04:03 Maybe that would fall under
00:04:06 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
00:04:09 -That's okay.
00:04:11 I've got the perfect girl for you.
00:04:14 Janice, I apologize to you
00:04:16 ...to jump into a forced,
00:04:20 ...that people like to call dating.
00:04:22 You're wondering,
00:04:25 Am I talking too much?
00:04:27 Should I play like I'm interested?
00:04:29 She might be interested.
00:04:32 Now she's not interested. So now, all
00:04:35 When am I supposed to kiss her?
00:04:37 Then it's awkward. It's like, "Good night."
00:04:40 Where you, like,
00:04:42 ...and the ass sticks out because
00:04:44 Do you kiss them on the lips?
00:04:47 It's very difficult to read the situation.
00:04:49 All the while you're wondering,
00:04:52 ...to make some bad decisions?"
00:04:53 And perhaps play a little game called
00:04:55 Just for a second,
00:04:57 Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.
00:05:00 Okay.
00:05:01 Okay, can you--? Can you put that
00:05:05 Hey, Janice. Great talk.
00:05:09 [PHONE BEEPS]
00:05:10 -John?
00:05:11 I gotta see you right away,
00:05:15 What's going on?
00:05:19 We got three really
00:05:22 -It's wedding season, kid.
00:05:25 I got us down for 1 7 of them already.
00:05:27 Okay, how many are cash bars?
00:05:29 Great question, love where your head's at,
00:05:32 But I got us covered.
00:05:36 Purple Hearts. We won't have
00:05:38 Oh, yeah. Perfect.
00:05:40 We are gonna have tons of opportunities
00:05:43 ...that are so aroused by marriage,
00:05:46 Who's gonna be there to catch them?
00:05:48 Grab that net and catch that
00:05:50 What do you like better?
00:05:53 -Mr. Grey.
00:05:56 ...wedding season?
00:05:57 Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit.
00:06:01 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
00:06:07 Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet
00:06:10 Oh, stop.
00:06:19 And as we carry on the tradition
00:06:23 ...we honor the eternal bond...
00:06:25 ...that stretches through the ages.
00:06:28 I have known this couple
00:06:31 Deborah I've actually known
00:06:35 I was at her house when her parents
00:06:39 ...and I was there the day
00:06:43 Josh I have known
00:06:46 ...which those of you who were there
00:06:52 But he has pulled himself
00:06:55 ...and he's grown into a remarkable
00:06:59 -Okay.
00:07:01 ...to ask her out, until 1 0 years later,
00:07:07 ...and he saw Deborah again...
00:07:09 -...and he said to himself:
00:07:11 RABBI: "Wait. That's the girl
00:07:14 I now pronounce you man and wife.
00:07:19 BOTH:
00:07:22 Mazel tov, baby! From my family
00:07:26 [PLAYING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:33 [SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:39 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
00:07:41 Oh, my yarmulke fell off!
00:07:42 You sly son of a bitch.
00:07:45 [LAUGHING]
00:07:49 [SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]
00:07:52 Does anyone know what
00:07:55 -Rolling a fatty.
00:07:58 You want to get a whole combination.
00:08:00 Get the frostings in the middle
00:08:02 [HUMMING]
00:08:04 That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!
00:08:07 You both look beautiful up there today,
00:08:12 Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think
00:08:15 ...with wearing a white dress.
00:08:18 Here, I'll just pick this off,
00:08:24 [CHILDREN GASPING AND OOHING]
00:08:27 In the words of the old country....
00:08:28 [SPEAKS IN HEBREW]
00:08:29 [ALL SPEAK IN HEBREW]
00:08:31 [BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
00:08:32 Ooh.
00:08:41 Come here!
00:08:43 I want you to take this note
00:08:45 Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!
00:08:49 Hi.
00:08:52 Who gave this to you?
00:08:56 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:08:57 You know, I saw you at the wedding.
00:08:59 -And?
00:09:01 Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that.
00:09:05 No, you were so sweet. Come here.
00:09:09 Look, I knew I was never gonna be
00:09:12 -...but that's not why I did it.
00:09:15 Can I say yes?
00:09:28 -Sanjay Collins.
00:09:30 Excited to be here.
00:09:32 -Shamus O'Toole.
00:09:34 -I'm ready to get drunk.
00:09:36 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
00:09:39 -Who is that?
00:09:42 I think that's his kid Leonard.
00:09:46 WOMAN:
00:09:47 That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher.
00:09:51 Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,
00:09:55 -The French Foreign Legion?
00:09:58 We lost a lot of good men out there.
00:10:01 Wow, really? Mount Everest?
00:10:04 I just don't like to talk about it because
00:10:08 Oh.
00:10:09 Lost so many good men out there.
00:10:11 WOMAN:
00:10:14 Yes, with the Yankees.
00:10:16 You lose good men
00:10:19 I-- Look, I don't want
00:10:24 It's just a matter
00:10:26 Tattoo on the lower back.
00:10:30 You know how they say
00:10:35 I think we only use 1 0 percent
00:10:38 I feel so tiny in your arms.
00:10:41 Really? How tall are you?
00:10:44 I'm 6'5", but I feel like I'm 4 feet.
00:10:48 And some poetry,
00:10:58 [THE ISLEY BROTHERS' "SHOUT"
00:11:09 [ALL SINGING]
00:11:24 Beautiful!
00:11:30 The bride!
00:11:31 All right, let's go, let's go,
00:11:34 What are you gonna do for an encore?
00:11:37 Great guy. He brung me along too.
00:11:38 [LAUGHING]
00:11:43 -Jesus. Come on. You ruined it.
00:11:46 You butchered the whole damn cake!
00:11:50 -You gotta treat cake like a lady.
00:11:52 Oh, I meant in front of all of them.
00:11:53 [CHORTLING]
00:12:00 And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"
00:12:03 [ALL LAUGHING]
00:12:05 Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!
00:12:08 Pop it in.
00:12:12 Now spread it around on each other.
00:12:13 We need a picture of this.
00:12:15 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
00:12:20 Time to party! Time to party!
00:12:23 Come on, get a picture,
00:12:46 Hot.
00:13:50 [LAUGHING AND MOANING]
00:13:55 Oh, no, no.
00:13:56 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:13:58 Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.
00:14:01 It's Vivian.
00:14:07 Would you say you're completely
00:14:12 I hope just 50, but who knows?
00:14:32 JEREMY:
00:14:35 Yeah, real shot.
00:14:39 You don't think we're being--
00:14:41 I don't wanna say sleazy,
00:14:44 ...but a little irresponsible?
00:14:47 No.
00:14:49 One day, you'll look back
00:14:52 ...say we were young and stupid.
00:14:53 [CHUCKLING]
00:14:55 A couple of dumb kids running around.
00:14:59 We're not that young.
00:15:16 Hell of a season, pal.
00:15:18 JOHN:
00:15:27 Oh, baba ganoush.
00:15:29 What do we got?
00:15:32 Christmas come early.
00:15:34 JOHN: Secretary Cleary?
00:15:37 The guy you loved since business school.
00:15:40 I don't know.
00:15:42 I was looking forward to
00:15:45 John, what are you talking about?
00:15:48 It's the Clearys.
00:15:50 Pal, there's gonna be
00:15:54 Not to mention,
00:15:56 ...they got oysters, snacks,
00:15:59 I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.
00:16:03 Oh, please don't take
00:16:05 What? Who's getting negative?
00:16:07 At the Buckner nuptials you were
00:16:10 I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.
00:16:12 Rule number 6:
00:16:15 It draws attention to you
00:16:18 Draw attention to yourself,
00:16:20 Don't quote the rules to me,
00:16:22 When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred
00:16:26 ... 1 2 years ago, he gave us a legacy.
00:16:29 You make it sound like a cult.
00:16:31 From everything you told me
00:16:33 You bite your tongue.
00:16:36 He is a brave and a decent man.
00:16:39 He lived with his mother till he was 40.
00:16:42 Erroneous! Erroneous.
00:16:46 -Oh, Lord. Here we go again.
00:16:49 ...is not Chazz Reinhold,
00:16:52 What you should be worried about
00:16:54 Now, if you sit there
00:16:58 ...and try to pull off
00:17:01 ...I gotta know that your head's right.
00:17:05 There is no room for error.
00:17:07 Secret Service. Consequences.
00:17:11 I love your enthusiasm.
00:17:13 If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.
00:17:16 I want it well planned.
00:17:17 He's back.
00:17:20 All right, partner.
00:17:22 -Sounds good. Okay.
00:17:30 Could be fun.
00:17:43 Wow
00:17:44 KATHLEEN: Mr. Senator. Thank you.
00:17:47 -Bill, congratulations.
00:17:49 Secretary, they just grow up
00:17:51 That's the truth, yeah.
00:17:52 -Okay. Let's do our pregame.
00:17:57 Articles on Secretary Cleary's
00:18:00 There's also a roster of key family members,
00:18:04 -Sailing?
00:18:06 -They love it.
00:18:09 Mom's big with charities,
00:18:11 Three daughters, one son.
00:18:13 -I get it. Good work.
00:18:16 [CHATTERING]
00:18:31 Let me see that again, please.
00:18:33 Pretty handsome.
00:18:35 Okay, what's our back-story?
00:18:37 We're brothers from New Hampshire,
00:18:40 JEREMY:
00:18:43 Let's be from Vermont, and let's have
00:18:47 Wait, that's stupid. We don't know
00:18:49 I know everything there is
00:18:51 I love maple syrup.
00:18:54 I love it on pizza.
00:18:56 ...when I've had a rough week.
00:18:59 The first quarter of the big game
00:19:02 I'd like to be pimps from Oakland
00:19:04 ...but it's not Halloween.
00:19:08 Look, we've been to a million weddings.
00:19:10 And guess what.
00:19:19 Great day.
00:19:21 - [WHISPERING] The Eagle has landed.
00:19:23 Hey, hey. Fifth row back
00:19:27 I like that.
00:19:29 No, don't waste your time on girls
00:19:34 JEREMY:
00:19:35 The proper girl in the hat
00:19:39 JOHN:
00:19:42 Why don't you say it a little louder?
00:19:46 Look, John,
00:19:49 I'm not gonna apologize.
00:19:52 JOHN: Tourette's.
00:19:55 John Ryan.
00:19:58 -Hi.
00:19:59 So, um, how do you know the groom?
00:20:02 We are Uncle Ned's kids.
00:20:04 Uncle Ned.
00:20:06 -Is he Liz's brother?
00:20:10 How is everybody?
00:20:12 Well, Dad kind of putters
00:20:14 Aunt Liz sends her best.
00:20:17 Yeah, I know.
00:20:20 She's dead.
00:20:22 From the grave.
00:20:24 She sends her best from the grave.
00:20:26 We've become extremely spiritual...
00:20:28 -...ever since she passed.
00:20:31 But thank you so much
00:20:33 Lord knows we need family now
00:20:35 -Well, you're welcome.
00:20:39 [PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D"
00:20:41 How many times are you
00:20:43 Rule number 32:
00:20:46 ...unless you're absolutely positive
00:20:48 Rule 1 6:
00:20:51 Your mistake.
00:20:53 Rule number 76:
00:21:07 Hello, Red.
00:21:11 -Dibs.
00:21:16 I ain't gonna fight you.
00:21:18 [WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"
00:21:41 I think we've got a crier.
00:21:43 -No shot.
00:21:46 -Make it 40.
00:21:50 [CRYING]
00:21:52 Oh, are you kidding me?
00:21:54 It's beautiful.
00:21:56 And now for our next reading,
00:22:02 ...up to the lectern.
00:22:05 Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.
00:22:06 Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 1 2.
00:22:11 And now a reading from
00:22:15 "Love is patient, love is kind."
00:22:19 As you all know, Craig and Christina...
00:22:22 ...are quite the sailing enthusiasts.
00:22:25 In that light, they have elected
00:22:29 ...which they themselves have written.
00:22:33 The ring.
00:22:36 CRAIG:
00:22:38 ...take you, Christina, to be my wife...
00:22:40 ...my best friend and my first mate...
00:22:44 [SNICKERING]
00:22:46 ...through sickness and health,
00:22:50 [GIGGLING]
00:22:51 [CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]
00:22:53 I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
00:22:56 CHRISTINA:
00:22:59 ...to be my best friend...
00:23:02 ...and my captain...
00:23:05 ...to be your anchor and your sail...
00:23:08 Well, this is a first.
00:23:09 CHRISTINA:
00:23:12 [SNORTS]
00:23:13 And now I pronounce you
00:23:18 You may kiss the first mate.
00:23:20 [GIGGLES]
00:23:22 [PEOPLE CHEERING]
00:23:24 [MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH"
00:23:28 [LAUGHING]
00:23:46 [BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC]
00:24:04 Sorry, just a sampler.
00:24:06 -Told you this would be classy, right?
00:24:09 Class, first class all the way.
00:24:13 Class, class, class.
00:24:18 They've got some kind of seasoning
00:24:21 Okay, go get us seats near,
00:24:24 I'm gonna go drop this box
00:24:28 If you see crab cakes,
00:24:31 Consider it done.
00:24:37 -Fondue set.
00:24:40 The present you're holding is
00:24:43 -John Ryan.
00:24:47 Uh, so how do you know that?
00:24:49 Well, I'm a psychic.
00:24:51 -You're psychic?
00:24:53 -Really?
00:24:55 -What's that one?
00:24:58 -Hm. And that?
00:25:01 Ooh.
00:25:02 -What about that?
00:25:04 Place settings, candlesticks,
00:25:07 ...which they'll probably never use
00:25:10 -Okay, how about that?
00:25:13 Uh....
00:25:14 Massage oils and a book on tantra,
00:25:21 Let's check.
00:25:24 -Who's it from?
00:25:26 -Yes!
00:25:29 I know. Unfortunately my powers only
00:25:32 Well, if the police are missing a Belgian
00:25:37 [CHUCKLING]
00:25:39 -Claire, we need you for pictures.
00:25:41 -Who's your friend?
00:25:44 -Hello.
00:25:49 JEREMY: I might just have one more
00:25:52 -Good.
00:25:54 Come back with some more stuff.
00:25:56 These bacon-wrapped scallops,
00:25:59 Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
00:26:03 Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up
00:26:09 -Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.
00:26:12 We're gonna do number 1 0
00:26:15 Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing
00:26:20 Shlomo, don't you remember me?
00:26:24 JOHN:
00:26:26 I'm so sorry.
00:26:30 Yeah, he came up too fast
00:26:34 Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone,
00:26:37 I'm just some nice guy
00:26:40 You poor thing.
00:26:44 He can't hear anything either.
00:26:47 So are you here
00:26:49 Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave.
00:26:53 -I've got a flight to Madrid.
00:26:55 -Yes.
00:26:58 I could hang out for a few minutes.
00:27:02 Oh, actually that won't be necessary.
00:27:05 Shlomo would like me to take him to the
00:27:09 So, yeah, no, that's not--
00:27:11 Okay, okay.
00:27:12 Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first,
00:27:17 You know what?
00:27:19 Here's my number.
00:27:22 Okay.
00:27:24 Okay, have a safe flight.
00:27:26 -We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it.
00:27:30 Doctor.
00:27:33 She looked good.
00:27:35 How? She thinks you're deaf.
00:27:37 Everyone wants to be part of a miracle.
00:27:40 People helping people.
00:27:42 God, you're a sick man.
00:27:46 Okay, so, what angle
00:27:48 I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal
00:27:51 ...and then when she comes to
00:27:54 -Haunted past.
00:27:55 -How about you?
00:27:58 Or be a charter member
00:28:00 -It's all deadly. I'll see you in a little.
00:28:03 Final touch. There it is.
00:28:06 One happy elephant.
00:28:08 All right. Who else wants something?
00:28:11 I want a bicycle.
00:28:13 A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,
00:28:17 ...and Uncle Jeremy's
00:28:19 ...so why don't we do something like,
00:28:22 I just want a bicycle!
00:28:27 Why are you yelling at me?
00:28:28 Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.
00:28:38 I'm gonna make you a bicycle.
00:28:41 Shut your mouth, funny guy,
00:28:46 JOHN:
00:28:49 There you go. Yeah, you got it.
00:29:03 Let's see how you do
00:29:06 I think I'm up to the challenge.
00:29:08 All right, will you save me
00:29:10 -Maybe.
00:29:17 [CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES]
00:29:25 Go on, take it, you hyena.
00:29:28 Don't say thank you.
00:29:30 Hi. You're good.
00:29:32 That thing? I'm just warming up.
00:29:35 -...exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field.
00:29:38 Honest to God.
00:29:41 Okay, then I'll take a sports car.
00:29:43 How about a dance?
00:29:45 That's what I really wanted.
00:30:12 [MUSIC ENDS
00:30:18 So how long have you
00:30:21 -Thirty years next April.
00:30:24 Yeah, and we were faithful
00:30:28 -Hm?
00:30:35 -Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.
00:30:42 Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
00:30:44 -Hi, John.
00:30:47 ...I enjoyed your position paper
00:30:51 You've read my position paper?
00:30:53 I read it while I was
00:30:55 A sailor?
00:30:57 -Good man, take a seat.
00:31:00 You didn't happen to catch my speech...
00:31:02 ...on the Paraguayan debt
00:31:05 Are you kidding me?
00:31:07 Your argument for the inverse ratio
00:31:13 Now, if we can just get Congress
00:31:16 Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted."
00:31:20 John, what do you say you and I head out
00:31:25 -Stogies?
00:31:26 Why not?
00:31:28 It's just that we lost a lot
00:31:34 I'm sorry.
00:31:36 Gloria, I think I gotta
00:31:40 Thank you so much for the dance
00:31:46 I wish I were stronger.
00:31:55 Jeremy!
00:31:58 Jeremy, wait up!
00:32:04 CLEARY: John, you seem like an astute man.
00:32:07 Maybe you can help
00:32:10 See that young man
00:32:12 JOHN: Sure.
00:32:15 Twenty-two years old,
00:32:18 Every advantage in life,
00:32:22 Well, that's not exactly true.
00:32:24 He had the same advantages I had,
00:32:27 So here's my question:
00:32:30 What's he got to be so morose about?
00:32:33 Maybe he hasn't found
00:32:35 Oh, he says he believes in art.
00:32:37 But all I've seen him do...
00:32:39 ...is dribble his own blood on a canvas
00:32:44 -You know, some people call that art.
00:32:47 What about having a public service,
00:32:52 Well, maybe he's....
00:32:54 Maybe he's just trying to find
00:32:57 I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
00:33:02 Yeah.
00:33:04 Yeah. Yeah, perhaps...
00:33:07 ...I should take it easier on him.
00:33:10 Perhaps.
00:33:11 Death, you are my bitch lover!
00:33:16 CLEARY:
00:33:19 Tell that mean ocean!
00:33:23 Oh, see that?
00:33:25 It's a start.
00:33:28 GLORIA:
00:33:30 Why would a man risk his own life
00:33:35 The great 1 9th century philosopher
00:33:39 ...he said, at that moment, when a human
00:33:44 ...that there's this breaking in
00:33:49 Do you know what
00:33:51 -What?
00:33:55 That separateness is an illusion.
00:34:00 And that I'm one with everyone.
00:34:02 With the prime minister of England
00:34:07 You and me.
00:34:10 The fat kid from What's Happening!!
00:34:12 The Olsen twins.
00:34:14 Natalie Portman.
00:34:16 The guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye.
00:34:19 Nat King Cole.
00:34:21 Carrot Top.
00:34:23 Jay-Z.
00:34:24 -"Weird Al" Yankovic.
00:34:27 Harry Potter, if he existed.
00:34:29 The whore on the street corner.
00:34:31 Your mother.
00:34:33 -We're all one.
00:34:36 That my hands are your hands.
00:34:38 Oh.
00:34:39 And that my cheek...
00:34:42 ...is really your cheek.
00:34:45 And that my lips....
00:34:47 Are my lips.
00:34:48 According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
00:34:53 [GLORIA MOANING]
00:34:55 CLEARY:
00:34:58 Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
00:34:59 He thinks Moby Dick is
00:35:02 Well, that's what I need. Claire.
00:35:04 [JOHN LAUGHING]
00:35:06 Sorry to interrupt.
00:35:08 -Christina wants to talk to you.
00:35:13 -Yeah.
00:35:15 CLEARY: Franklin!
00:35:18 You are a big hit at this wedding.
00:35:20 Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.
00:35:26 -They're all full of shit.
00:35:29 Half of these people are here
00:35:31 They're all just, you know,
00:35:35 No, no. Come on, they're here
00:35:39 ...they're in the presence of true love.
00:35:42 Because they wanna believe in true love.
00:35:45 What's true love?
00:35:48 True love is your soul's recognition
00:35:57 Well, it's a little cheesy, but I like it.
00:36:00 I saw it on a bumper sticker.
00:36:02 [CHUCKLES]
00:36:04 -So you gonna give a toast?
00:36:06 -You nervous?
00:36:08 -What are you gonna say?
00:36:13 -You keep it in your cleavage.
00:36:16 Normally, I'm not very good at these things,
00:36:21 "I never thought my sister
00:36:23 ...who cared about what other people
00:36:26 -...until I met Craig"?
00:36:28 That's funny.
00:36:30 You know, people like funny.
00:36:32 I know. But the whole
00:36:35 ...only works if the truth
00:36:38 Like, "Everyone knows
00:36:41 You're better off going
00:36:43 I think that people are gonna like this.
00:36:45 I think you're gonna hear crickets.
00:36:47 -I think you're wrong.
00:36:49 -Nope. Mm-mm.
00:36:52 -I'm sticking to it.
00:36:54 Hey, meet me at the back of the room.
00:37:01 Good luck.
00:37:03 And so, after my ninth stint
00:37:09 Oh, Craig.
00:37:11 Craig was the only one
00:37:15 Been sober now for eight months.
00:37:17 [CHUCKLING]
00:37:18 And, uh, I thank God every day...
00:37:23 ...for sending me a friend like Craig.
00:37:26 I love you, man.
00:37:29 [PEOPLE CLAPPING]
00:37:40 [CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]
00:37:44 I never thought my sister
00:37:47 ...what other people thought
00:37:56 Uh....
00:37:58 As you all know,
00:38:01 ...at big law firms in New York.
00:38:04 But that's not the only thing
00:38:08 They both like the color green...
00:38:10 ...like Craig's eyes and money.
00:38:18 Um, heh....
00:38:32 You know, someone once told me that...
00:38:35 ...true love is...
00:38:38 ...the soul's recognition
00:38:43 And I think that
00:38:48 And I think it's something to be valued.
00:38:51 And I'm just really happy
00:38:55 Congratulations, Chris.
00:38:58 [MOUTHING]
00:38:59 [PEOPLE CLAPPING]
00:39:10 Ah!
00:39:12 -That was amazing!
00:39:15 We should probably head back
00:39:19 I always knew my first time
00:39:23 First time?
00:39:28 You were a virgin?
00:39:30 -Mm-hm.
00:39:31 Jeremy, we're gonna
00:39:36 I love you.
00:39:37 -I'm sorry?
00:39:49 CLAIRE: You totally saved me.
00:39:51 -Yes.
00:39:55 Oh, baby, you were awesome.
00:39:58 -No.
00:40:00 Okay.
00:40:01 John, this is my boyfriend, Sack.
00:40:04 -Hey, fella.
00:40:06 -Listen, we gotta go meet the Schreibers.
00:40:08 It was great to meet you.
00:40:10 [WHISPERING]
00:40:14 Boom, I gotcha.
00:40:15 [LAUGHING]
00:40:17 -How you doing?
00:40:20 I gotta get out of here, pronto.
00:40:22 -I got a Stage 5 clinger.
00:40:25 Did you hear what I just said to you?
00:40:28 Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
00:40:34 I don't think you appreciate the urgency.
00:40:35 Not only is she a virgin,
00:40:38 I'm terrified of this broad.
00:40:40 -There you are.
00:40:44 What a coincidence, I was just singing
00:40:47 GLORIA: Oh, hi.
00:40:48 My family and a few friends, we're all
00:40:51 ...and it would be so great
00:40:54 Really?
00:40:55 -Sounds sort of wonderful.
00:40:56 Well, it does, it sounds very nice.
00:40:58 And I'm flattered that you would
00:41:00 ...to include me in something like that.
00:41:03 It kills me however to have to tell you
00:41:06 -Timing's no good. I can't make it.
00:41:08 -It's gonna be so much fun.
00:41:11 I'm sure it will be fun
00:41:14 I unfortunately can't go. I don't have--
00:41:17 -I don't have any clothes.
00:41:20 -Problem solved. Problem solved.
00:41:23 -Deal us in.
00:41:25 I'm gonna run and find my dad.
00:41:27 Don't ask your dad.
00:41:28 -The train's going. We gotta get on.
00:41:32 -What?
00:41:34 -What?
00:41:36 John, this is completely
00:41:37 You have a wedding and a reception
00:41:40 -There's no overtime. No.
00:41:42 What about the Chang wedding
00:41:44 -Oh, that's bullshit.
00:41:47 Two a.m., you dragged me 50 miles
00:41:49 ...play mahjong with her grandmother
00:41:52 -Yeah, completely different situation.
00:41:54 What do you mean, how?
00:41:57 She was very into her grandmother.
00:41:59 -Give me a break.
00:42:03 -You better lock it up.
00:42:05 -No, you lock it up. Lock it up.
00:42:08 Please. It would mean
00:42:12 Look at the way he's looking at me.
00:42:14 He doesn't like me.
00:42:16 To be honest with you,
00:42:18 -You're being paranoid.
00:42:21 Damn it. Why'd I have to
00:42:24 Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid.
00:42:26 You're not that good a dancer.
00:42:28 Oh, please. You and I both know
00:42:30 Now I know you're lying.
00:42:33 ...even if I have to walk
00:42:36 Gloria, come on!
00:42:38 You know I'm not gonna give in
00:42:41 She's like a kid at Toys "R" Us.
00:42:43 Oh, get off your high horse.
00:42:45 You take off the white wig
00:42:47 I don't want to be around
00:42:50 -I need alone time with her.
00:42:52 ...the boyfriend and Sybil,
00:42:55 I'll lay it out for you
00:42:57 Let me break it down for you,
00:43:01 -I'm not going.
00:43:02 -You can go if you want.
00:43:05 JEREMY: No, I'm not.
00:43:07 -Yes. Yes! Baba ganoush!
00:43:11 GLORIA:
00:43:25 SACK:
00:43:29 KATHLEEN:
00:43:33 JOHN: You okay?
00:43:35 JOHN:
00:43:37 Are you okay? I'm gonna need 1 00 percent
00:43:41 She took me below deck for 45 minutes.
00:43:45 Gentlemen, everything okay?
00:43:47 -Great. Yep.
00:43:48 You know, we were thinking about
00:43:52 -Yeah?
00:43:55 A little pigskin, why not?
00:43:57 CLEARY: Great.
00:43:59 We're gonna be on the field in 1 0.
00:44:01 CLAIRE:
00:44:06 SACK:
00:44:10 There you go.
00:44:31 Clothes fit.
00:44:33 I'm not even gonna say it,
00:44:36 I know you are.
00:44:40 You know I don't look good.
00:44:43 GLORIA:
00:44:47 Are you ready?
00:44:49 You want the noise brought on you?
00:44:51 -The what?
00:44:53 -Here it comes.
00:44:55 Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!
00:45:00 One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
00:45:02 CLAIRE:
00:45:06 [GRUNTING]
00:45:07 MAN:
00:45:08 -Wow.
00:45:10 Yes! Crab cakes and football!
00:45:12 -That's what Maryland does!
00:45:15 [GRUNTS]
00:45:16 -A little out of shape?
00:45:18 [CHUCKLES]
00:45:20 -Way to bring it.
00:45:21 -I saw you had it.
00:45:23 -You gotta anticipate that rush.
00:45:25 SACK: You did a great job.
00:45:27 I think he's on steroids.
00:45:29 It was like trying to cover
00:45:31 [GRUNTING]
00:45:33 -Get it up! Get it up!
00:45:36 -We'll burn them with the post.
00:45:40 Look, I want you to fake the post...
00:45:42 ...throw an interception to Claire,
00:45:45 Gets her involved.
00:45:47 John, I was first team, all-state.
00:45:50 I'll make it rain out here.
00:45:56 Blue 1 7! Red 7!
00:45:58 -Oh, you're gonna cover me?
00:46:01 All right, I like my odds here.
00:46:04 -I'm going downtown.
00:46:06 Red 7, Red 7, Red 7!
00:46:08 Look for me in the end zone,
00:46:11 -John! Red 7!
00:46:13 -I don't know what "Red 7" means.
00:46:16 I don't-- What is "hot route"?
00:46:18 Will you just go stand
00:46:21 CLAIRE:
00:46:22 JOHN: No. I'm just getting over here.
00:46:26 -Down!
00:46:28 Ready, down, set!
00:46:33 GLORIA:
00:46:35 Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!
00:46:39 Booyah!
00:46:40 That's what we call a "Sack lunch"!
00:46:44 Ow, burn.
00:46:46 [SCREAMING]
00:46:48 Big tree fall hard, right?
00:46:49 How many fingers I got up?
00:46:52 Oh, come on, I got four.
00:46:55 Man down! We got a man down.
00:46:59 Hey, is your brother okay?
00:47:01 -What? Ah, he's fine.
00:47:03 SACK: What's that?
00:47:05 No, no, no, I think he's really hurt.
00:47:08 Well, serves him right after that throw.
00:47:11 Hey. Baba ganoush.
00:47:13 I don't know what
00:47:15 I do. Five generations
00:47:20 [GROWLING AND CHUCKLING]
00:47:22 -Your father used to pull the same stunt...
00:47:25 -...when we were your age.
00:47:27 You okay?
00:47:28 [WHISPERING]
00:47:31 Come on, get up.
00:47:33 -Don't oversell it.
00:47:35 Come on, stop milking it.
00:47:39 Jeremy. Sit this play out.
00:47:42 Todd, come on in.
00:47:45 You must be joking.
00:47:46 It wouldn't kill you to play
00:47:50 ...once in a while, would it?
00:47:52 Oh, would that make you love me?
00:47:53 Pfft. Jesus.
00:47:56 Hey, Jeremy, Red Moon Dog 7-11.
00:47:59 Forty-two, 30-teen.
00:48:01 Hut one! Hut two!
00:48:03 Blitz!
00:48:04 -Oh! Ah!
00:48:07 [GRUNTING]
00:48:09 [GASPING]
00:48:10 -That looked like it hurt.
00:48:12 -I got you.
00:48:14 -You're cheating.
00:48:16 Oh, my God.
00:48:22 What is his deal?
00:48:25 I don't know what's getting
00:48:27 Nature versus nurture, Lodge.
00:48:31 What are you doing?
00:48:33 Every time I look over,
00:48:35 If I had any air in my lungs,
00:48:37 Oh, now you're gonna blame me?
00:48:39 Because you're not athletic enough
00:48:42 I hate you.
00:48:43 Let's take a daiquiri time-out.
00:48:44 -Daiquiris.
00:48:48 Oh.
00:48:49 Sweetheart, why don't you take him
00:48:52 -Sure, Mom.
00:48:53 It just makes it worse.
00:48:56 JEREMY:
00:48:57 Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?
00:49:00 You got everyone on you now.
00:49:03 GLORIA:
00:49:06 It's hot out here.
00:49:07 -Yeah, it is.
00:49:09 You should have played
00:49:13 I'll get you a drink.
00:49:20 Oh, Jesus Christ. Hss, it burns.
00:49:23 -It stings. Oh, Jesus.
00:49:26 You want me to blow on it?
00:49:27 No. No, no, no.
00:49:29 No, I don't need any blowing.
00:49:32 Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
00:49:35 -That's right.
00:49:36 Okay. That's fun. That's nice.
00:49:39 Okay. Oh, oh, yeah.
00:49:40 Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.
00:49:43 Okay, Gloria. You need to stop.
00:49:45 That's fun. That's fun.
00:49:47 [CLEARS THROAT]
00:49:50 Don't you worry, Gloria.
00:49:53 Thank you, Randolph.
00:49:56 -A little more discreet, though, okay?
00:50:04 Jesus Christ.
00:50:06 Don't worry, he won't say anything.
00:50:09 I'm confused. Like eight hours ago
00:50:12 ...and now you're not wearing any panties.
00:50:15 You do that to me. Ooh.
00:50:17 -Where's my little friend?
00:50:18 -Where's my little friend?
00:50:20 He's in time-out. He's in time-out.
00:50:22 Gloria, please. I'm exhausted.
00:50:26 I had your sister's boyfriend dry-hump me
00:50:30 My leg's cut and bleeding.
00:50:35 -Fine!
00:50:37 My father warned me about
00:50:40 -I'm just another notch on your belt.
00:50:43 Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?
00:50:46 -Ow! Ow!
00:50:47 No! Wait! Wait!
00:50:48 It's just that I'm feeling very strongly...
00:50:51 ...that we're only expressing ourselves
00:50:55 That's it! Wait!
00:50:57 And I'd like to play some catch-up
00:51:03 Okay?
00:51:06 -Jeremy.
00:51:08 -Jeremy, you're amazing.
00:51:11 -Oh, my God, don't ever leave me. Good.
00:51:15 [IN BABY VOICE]
00:51:17 [CACKLING]
00:51:19 Yeah.
00:51:21 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Of course, like all kids,
00:51:24 I had hundreds, and all of them
00:51:27 ...who spoke different languages.
00:51:30 ...he spoke a magical language
00:51:33 [GIBBERING]
00:51:36 [CLEARY GIBBERING]
00:51:37 Get him all patched up?
00:51:39 I sure did, Daddy.
00:51:42 Gloria bug.
00:51:44 You go change for dinner.
00:51:46 Okay.
00:51:51 Phew.
00:51:53 You know, she's not just
00:51:59 I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.
00:52:03 I'm a very powerful man.
00:52:06 Yes, you are.
00:52:11 See you for dinner.
00:52:15 SACK: So I am president of the
00:52:18 And I pick up this little sea otter...
00:52:21 ...and wipe off the oil
00:52:23 You gotta step this up already.
00:52:26 No, I don't want them. It's too hardcore.
00:52:28 JEREMY: Do you want to be alone with her?
00:52:30 Put these in his drink and he'll be going
00:52:34 I don't wanna do it. I can beat this guy.
00:52:39 [WHIMPERING]
00:52:41 And the whiskers.
00:52:42 [CONTINUES WHIMPERING]
00:52:44 And the oil's--
00:52:46 [COUGHING AND WHIMPERING]
00:52:48 -Give me the eye drops.
00:52:55 Perfect.
00:52:57 [CHATTERING]
00:53:04 [CLINKING ON GLASS]
00:53:07 Let us bow our heads in prayer.
00:53:15 Heavenly Father...
00:53:17 ...we thank you for thy bounty
00:53:20 ...and ask that you bless
00:53:23 ...and all the friends here assembled.
00:53:26 -Amen.
00:53:31 Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
00:53:34 I bought them from an organic scallop farm
00:53:38 CLAIRE: Actually, Sack got the governor
00:53:42 And now it's the state's only
00:53:45 Say that five times fast.
00:53:48 [CHUCKLING]
00:53:49 JEREMY: They look terrific.
00:53:51 ...when I get the sensation back in my face.
00:53:55 Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know,
00:53:59 -I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
00:54:02 His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
00:54:05 Stop traffic.
00:54:08 ...I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist
00:54:11 Not just any orthopedist.
00:54:13 Hey, Sack, how long have you
00:54:17 Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart?
00:54:20 Three and a half.
00:54:22 Yeah, actually, we started dating
00:54:26 Sure.
00:54:27 Pretty soon we'll be getting married.
00:54:31 Yep.
00:54:32 Well, not too soon, um....
00:54:35 We still have a lot of things
00:54:38 Anyway, once Claire
00:54:41 ...two of the great American families,
00:54:44 -...will finally unite.
00:54:46 And then, of course,
00:54:48 ...for interstellar domination, right?
00:54:50 [LAUGHING]
00:54:54 Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor.
00:55:02 You move pretty good.
00:55:04 Oh, thanks a lot.
00:55:06 I really just got lucky.
00:55:08 I was more in the zone
00:55:10 It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.
00:55:12 [LAUGHING]
00:55:15 Sorry, guys, I forgot.
00:55:18 Uncle Ned's kids.
00:55:21 You know, Uncle Ned?
00:55:22 Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
00:55:27 SACK: Hm. No, I don't know.
00:55:30 ...you and your brother are
00:55:33 -That's right.
00:55:35 Venture capitalist.
00:55:39 -It's the new pioneer.
00:55:41 So is it just about the money?
00:55:43 No, no, it's about...
00:55:46 ...investing in companies that are
00:55:49 -Like what? Give me an example.
00:55:53 ...that we have where we're taking
00:55:58 ...and we turn it into thread
00:56:02 And then they make it into cloth,
00:56:06 ...then make little shirts and pants...
00:56:10 ...for other homeless people to sell.
00:56:14 -People helping people.
00:56:16 That's very admirable.
00:56:18 Thank you. Although don't make me out
00:56:21 We do turn a small profit.
00:56:23 After all, someone has to pay for
00:56:29 He's joking around.
00:56:33 What's this company called?
00:56:35 -Holy sh--
00:56:38 It's a little corny and obvious...
00:56:40 ...but what do you get
00:56:42 Well, that's a hell of a good project.
00:56:45 I'm gonna mention something
00:56:47 That would be terrific.
00:56:50 Terrific, it was terrific.
00:56:52 Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job
00:56:55 -Mommy.
00:56:59 [GURGLING]
00:57:00 ...was the secretary of state
00:57:05 That must have been so thrilling. FDR.
00:57:07 My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
00:57:10 MARY:
00:57:12 The wife, though, Eleanor?
00:57:15 -Big dyke.
00:57:17 Huge dyke. A real rug muncher.
00:57:20 Looked like a big lesbian mule.
00:57:26 Grandma, you can't talk
00:57:30 Somebody get me another Scotch
00:57:32 I think I'm gonna go to bed.
00:57:34 CLAIRE: Honey, are you okay?
00:57:36 I'm fine.
00:57:38 -Okay.
00:57:40 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
00:57:45 What an athlete.
00:57:48 I know.
00:57:50 Todd, I noticed that you haven't even
00:57:53 -I don't eat meat or fish.
00:57:56 [LAUGHING]
00:57:58 CLEARY:
00:58:01 Actually, Todd is an amazing painter.
00:58:04 He's going to the Rhode Island
00:58:06 JOHN: Oh, that's a great school.
00:58:09 That's really impressive. RISD.
00:58:11 Yeah, Dad used to think
00:58:14 ...you know, in case
00:58:17 Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told...
00:58:20 ...polling shows a majority
00:58:23 ...would ultimately empathize
00:58:27 -What is our situation, Dad?
00:58:31 Oh, for God sakes, William,
00:58:34 Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
00:58:37 I can do it myself, asshole.
00:58:43 Wow
00:58:45 I'll be in my room painting.
00:58:47 Homo things.
00:58:50 You just go right ahead, Toddy.
00:58:54 WOMAN: Wonderful scallops.
00:58:57 You know, I think
00:59:01 Oh, I'll get some air
00:59:04 -Sure.
00:59:07 -Excuse me.
00:59:09 Can't walk away from the delicious food
00:59:15 [DOOR SLAMS]
00:59:21 I just had my tits done.
00:59:24 You like them?
00:59:27 Those seem like lovely tits.
00:59:30 William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
00:59:33 Well, darn him.
00:59:35 But, Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.
00:59:38 You've been playing cat and mouse
00:59:41 -Mrs. Cleary, I don't--
00:59:44 -Okay, Cat--
00:59:50 Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels
00:59:56 -Feel them.
00:59:57 -I said, feel them.
00:59:59 Kitty Cat.
01:00:01 I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.
01:00:05 I'm not letting you out of this room...
01:00:07 ...until you feel them.
01:00:21 Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.
01:00:24 It's amazing what they can do to--
01:00:28 Pervert.
01:00:40 TODD:
01:00:46 Did you say something, Todd?
01:00:49 Mom make you feel her tits?
01:00:52 Todd, where are you going with this?
01:00:55 Just don't say anything
01:00:59 Some friend of my sister's...
01:01:01 ...she said something to my dad
01:01:05 ...he now lives in a shack in Guam.
01:01:09 Not by choice.
01:01:11 Stop kidding with me, Todd.
01:01:15 Come on.
01:01:25 -John, I need to talk to you.
01:01:27 What's wrong with you? Why you got
01:01:31 Claire's mom just made me
01:01:33 Well, snap out of it! What? A hot
01:01:37 -Stop crying like a little girl.
01:01:40 Try getting jacked off under
01:01:43 ...and have some real problems.
01:01:46 What were they like?
01:01:49 Are they built for speed or for comfort?
01:01:52 Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
01:01:55 You motorboating son of a bitch.
01:01:58 Where is she? She still in the house?
01:02:01 What is wrong with you?
01:02:02 What do you--?
01:02:04 -What's wrong with you?
01:02:06 -You're projecting.
01:02:07 You drop it.
01:02:09 You go enjoy yourself
01:02:12 JOHN: Drop it!
01:02:33 [JEREMY CLEARS THROAT]
01:02:39 Oh, Mr. President.
01:02:50 [SCREAMS]
01:02:52 What do you want?
01:02:54 You're in my room.
01:02:56 Oh, dear.
01:03:00 I'm too drunk to walk,
01:03:06 Carry you?
01:03:09 Sure.
01:03:16 RANDOLPH: You banging the daughter
01:03:19 -How much jam you got, man?
01:03:21 Listen, man.
01:03:25 I can wake him up for you if you like.
01:03:28 -You could not be more wrong--
01:03:32 She be pushing 90.
01:03:40 Jesus Christ.
01:03:52 Hey. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.
01:03:56 Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh....
01:03:59 Sorry I'm late, I just....
01:04:01 You okay?
01:04:03 No, no, I'm fine, I just....
01:04:05 I just got held up.
01:04:09 My family's a little strange.
01:04:12 A little strange?
01:04:13 Come on. Claire.
01:04:16 Your family are totally nuts.
01:04:20 -And guess what.
01:04:23 -I love it.
01:04:25 -Yeah, it seems great.
01:04:27 -Yes.
01:04:29 It's a family. You're mixing it up.
01:04:31 You got the sweet little grandma
01:04:34 ...with her, like, little, like, white hair,
01:04:37 But you're like, "Well, fuck it, she's so old,
01:04:42 Shit, it was great.
01:04:44 I just hope I didn't embarrass myself
01:04:47 Are you kidding? That was so funny.
01:04:49 -No, really? Really?
01:04:53 ...who thinks he's part of the family.
01:04:55 Doesn't sound that great.
01:04:58 -No, it's cute.
01:05:00 ...like, part of the family who's gonna say
01:05:03 Yeah. You know, you break the ice.
01:05:06 -Yeah.
01:05:08 CLEARY:
01:05:10 CLAIRE: Yeah?
01:05:12 Have you checked on Sack?
01:05:15 -Oh, really?
01:05:17 Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.
01:05:20 -I should-- I should go check on him.
01:05:23 Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
01:05:27 Claire.
01:05:29 Mm-hm?
01:05:33 I'll talk to you later.
01:05:36 Okay.
01:05:49 CLAIRE:
01:05:51 Are you okay?
01:05:53 Well, Claire...
01:05:55 ...my head's buried in a toilet.
01:05:57 What do you think?
01:06:01 Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable
01:06:05 Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble
01:06:08 -Right.
01:06:11 Do you? Do you, kid?
01:06:14 All right, because I think I'm--
01:06:32 -What the fuck is going on?
01:06:34 [SHUSHING]
01:06:36 You'll wake my dad.
01:06:38 Baby, I started thinking
01:06:40 ...and I think the problem is I am not
01:06:44 Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not
01:06:47 Shh.
01:06:50 Baby...
01:06:51 ...I'm gonna make all
01:06:55 But this is not a fant--
01:06:57 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:07:00 I love you.
01:07:02 [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
01:08:43 [GRUNTING]
01:08:48 [VOMITING]
01:09:02 Gloria, go to sleep, honey.
01:09:05 It's not Gloria.
01:09:09 Jesus Christ.
01:09:10 We had a moment
01:09:12 We did not have a moment
01:09:14 Yes. We had a moment.
01:09:16 I was there. I would have noticed
01:09:20 I made you a painting.
01:09:22 What?
01:09:24 TODD:
01:09:26 It's sexual and violent.
01:09:30 I thought you might like it.
01:09:33 No.
01:09:34 [DOOR SLAMS]
01:09:36 CLEARY: Where's that coming from?
01:09:39 -Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.
01:09:41 -It's okay.
01:09:46 Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable--
01:09:49 -Let's play tummy sticks.
01:09:52 I don't want to play. Get in the closet.
01:09:54 It's okay,
01:09:56 Get in the fucking closet right now.
01:09:59 You go get in the closet!
01:10:02 Go.
01:10:07 I'll pop out at the right moment.
01:10:08 JEREMY:
01:10:16 Everything okay in here?
01:10:20 I was just having a bad dream.
01:10:26 I know about bad dreams.
01:10:29 You know, Todd...
01:10:33 ...screams at night sometimes.
01:10:38 You know, the doctors call it
01:11:03 [MUTTERING]
01:11:04 Okay, then.
01:11:06 Sleep well.
01:11:10 [DOOR SHUTS]
01:11:15 There's nothing terrifying
01:11:18 Now, listen, if you let me
01:11:22 ...then we can talk tomorrow.
01:11:24 -You won't make time for me.
01:11:26 ...I'd love to make time
01:11:30 Like paintings.
01:11:34 Can't wait for tomorrow,
01:11:37 -Okay.
01:11:38 -Oh, it's gonna be great.
01:11:47 Okay. That was nice.
01:11:49 That was nice.
01:11:55 I can't take this fucking shit anymore.
01:12:06 There he is.
01:12:10 Wait till you see the spread.
01:12:12 Yeah, well, get what you want to go.
01:12:14 Ferry leaves in 25 minutes.
01:12:16 Whoa, what's your problem?
01:12:19 I didn't get a lot of sleep
01:12:21 -Soft mattress?
01:12:23 It could have been the soft mattress,
01:12:26 ...or the nude, gay art show in my room.
01:12:28 One of those probably added
01:12:30 Try one of these scones,
01:12:32 I'm a little too traumatized.
01:12:34 Will you slow down for a second?
01:12:37 Okay? It didn't work. She had to
01:12:43 Why are you looking at me like that?
01:12:44 You're falling for this broad.
01:12:47 No. I just met her.
01:12:49 Exactly. I'm gonna go.
01:12:51 -You can't go.
01:12:53 Watch me take this
01:12:55 Look, if you leave, Gloria is gonna
01:12:59 ...and it's gonna go into crisis
01:13:02 I don't give a baker's fuck.
01:13:04 I just had my own sock duct-taped
01:13:07 -Whoa, what?
01:13:09 ...that I wore around all day,
01:13:13 ...was shoved into my mouth,
01:13:16 Let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
01:13:18 I'm not in a place to discuss
01:13:20 I felt like Jodie Foster
01:13:22 I'm gonna go home,
01:13:25 ...and I'm gonna tell him
01:13:28 We can forget about Mom for a while.
01:13:32 Suit yourself. Rule number 1.
01:13:35 Rule number 1: Never leave
01:13:42 -I can't believe how selfish you are.
01:13:49 A friend in need is a pest.
01:13:55 I'll stick it out with you
01:13:58 I need the big guy.
01:13:59 I'll give you a little bit more time
01:14:02 -Fair enough.
01:14:04 Number one: Stop being a pussy.
01:14:07 Number two: Make a move.
01:14:09 Number three....
01:14:11 You know it.
01:14:13 Could you pop the syrup for me?
01:14:15 Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.
01:14:18 Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor.
01:14:20 -I choose not to eat with you.
01:14:22 No. I'd like to recharge my batteries,
01:14:26 ...and get myself back to neutral.
01:14:27 When the meal's over with,
01:14:30 I don't want to get into
01:14:32 Let's get through today,
01:14:36 -...and let's close some ass.
01:14:44 Can I tell you something
01:14:48 I love you.
01:14:52 Yeah, you, big guy.
01:14:55 I love you too.
01:14:59 [LINE RINGING]
01:15:00 MAN:
01:15:02 -Trapster, it's Sack.
01:15:05 -How was the wedding?
01:15:08 But the bachelor party,
01:15:09 We got Heidi, a couple of those fucking sluts
01:15:13 No way. Did you tap that again?
01:15:16 Once at my place,
01:15:19 Damn! Sluts.
01:15:21 Oh, how's Claire?
01:15:22 Still trying to figure out
01:15:26 Claire? She's, you know,
01:15:28 She's saving the world
01:15:31 But that'll all change
01:15:33 I want a wife.
01:15:35 I hear that, my friend
01:15:38 Hey, man, listen, I, uh, got--
01:15:41 Do you remember
01:15:43 ...to set up that
01:15:45 The "Big Sleazy," Tommy Gufano.
01:15:47 Yes. I need you to get some dirt
01:15:50 ...John and Jeremy Ryan.
01:15:53 They got some sort of N.P.O. called
01:15:57 -I will check into them.
01:16:00 -You the man.
01:16:02 [GURGLING AND BELCHING]
01:16:07 CLEARY:
01:16:09 CLAIRE:
01:16:11 CLEARY:
01:16:42 CLEARY: John, my boy.
01:16:43 We're tacking back round.
01:16:45 Do me a favor, ease the sheets...
01:16:48 ...swing the jib starboard.
01:16:50 Okay, let me, uh--
01:16:55 Okay.
01:17:07 JOHN:
01:17:09 -Hi. How's it going?
01:17:12 Oh, just swinging the jib here
01:17:14 Starboard. Trying to get it over here
01:17:18 But starboard's this way.
01:17:21 -Oh, that's right. What am I--?
01:17:24 -What am I thinking?
01:17:25 -Okay.
01:17:28 Watch the jib boom.
01:17:33 All right, push it. Push it this way.
01:17:37 Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.
01:17:39 -Come on, use some muscle.
01:17:42 All right, that's beautiful.
01:17:44 I'm used to sailing down under
01:17:47 ...so everything is backwards.
01:17:49 Even the toilets, when you flush them,
01:17:54 Really freaks you out
01:18:13 CLEARY:
01:18:15 Come on up here.
01:18:16 Man the Woodwind for a while.
01:18:18 On my way.
01:18:25 Hey, your dad was telling me
01:18:28 ...that maybe we could check out,
01:18:34 -Yeah.
01:18:35 Okay, it can get confusing up here.
01:18:39 CLAIRE:
01:18:41 JOHN:
01:18:43 Take the wheel.
01:19:09 -Thanks.
01:19:13 Actually, it would be
01:19:15 [GUN COCKS]
01:19:16 Everything's ready for the quail hunt!
01:19:18 -Sack?
01:19:20 It's a Cleary family tradition.
01:19:23 Well, I think you might have to deal me
01:19:26 Nonsense, I insist.
01:19:28 John, you gotta go. You're gonna love it.
01:19:30 Sack, honey, you a little bit sick
01:19:34 Oh, no, I'm great. Honey, I'm great.
01:19:36 No, I'm going. Right? Right?
01:19:39 [SACK CACKLES]
01:19:40 [SACK GUFFAWS]
01:19:42 Okay. You're going.
01:19:44 -So I guess I'll see you later.
01:19:48 Just take it easy, okay?
01:19:49 -Okay.
01:19:51 Mr. Environmental is also a hunter.
01:19:55 I hunt quail, Jeremy.
01:19:57 They're overpopulated and they're
01:20:00 Got a fucking problem with that?
01:20:02 Not nearly as much as I do with
01:20:05 ...or just your general point of view
01:20:08 But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
01:20:13 Have you even shot
01:20:15 The whole 1 7 years
01:20:17 ...I've been sneaking off to go on
01:20:20 No, I don't even know
01:20:22 I feel totally ridiculous.
01:20:25 So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
01:20:27 I know. It's like, why can't
01:20:30 ...like a hawk, or an eagle,
01:20:33 That'd be awesome.
01:20:36 -Yeah. Gorilla.
01:20:37 -Rhino.
01:20:39 That'll get you jacked up.
01:20:42 That's a little heavy.
01:20:43 I mean, like-- You're hunting
01:20:46 Most Dangerous Game
01:20:48 Like a worthy adversary.
01:20:51 -Oh, if he wasn't armed.
01:20:53 -...who knows the jungle, or the woods.
01:21:00 [BIRDCALL WHISTLING]
01:21:06 There's something not right
01:21:09 MAN: What do you mean?
01:21:12 Sack, don't do anything crazy.
01:21:13 -I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
01:21:18 To the right!
01:21:20 [SCREAMING]
01:21:22 [SCREAMING]
01:21:24 BOTH:
01:21:26 Ooh.
01:21:28 -They got me!
01:21:30 JEREMY: They got me!
01:21:33 JEREMY:
01:21:35 Ow! Jesus!
01:21:37 -You okay, buddy?
01:21:40 We're gonna take a little bike ride, and then
01:21:44 And take care of him, okay? I want you
01:21:47 -Hang in there.
01:21:50 ...and knock your two front teeth out,
01:21:53 You leave me in the trenches
01:22:13 CLAIRE:
01:22:26 Yes!
01:22:29 JOHN:
01:22:32 Come on!
01:22:35 JOHN:
01:22:39 MAN [ON TV]:
01:22:42 -Randolph.
01:22:43 I'm watching my stories, man.
01:22:46 Is that what you get paid to do?
01:22:48 It's exactly what I get paid to do.
01:22:51 Look, I want to know where Claire is.
01:22:53 She took a bike ride down to the beach.
01:22:57 With who?
01:22:58 With that fella from the wedding
01:23:09 CLAIRE:
01:23:11 What does that mean?
01:23:13 JOHN: Oh, it's really not that
01:23:17 CLAIRE:
01:23:19 JOHN: Well, no, it's just--
01:23:22 ...and you go down a road
01:23:27 And then you get caught up in it
01:23:32 ...and just don't even have time
01:23:36 And before you know it, you're living a life
01:23:39 ...or that you intended to.
01:23:42 Do you know what I mean?
01:23:45 Yes, I do.
01:23:48 I think that there's some great things
01:23:51 ...that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.
01:23:55 Oh, yeah? Like what?
01:23:57 I don't know.
01:23:59 We'll see. I'm still young.
01:24:03 Well...
01:24:06 ...you're not that young.
01:24:11 I'm sorry.
01:24:14 Give me your hands.
01:24:15 I know this game. Okay.
01:24:17 JOHN:
01:24:21 Do you want full speed or half speed?
01:24:24 Full.
01:24:28 You're never gonna hit me,
01:24:33 CLAIRE: What? You didn't approve of that?
01:24:37 No, because you're supposed to--
01:24:38 [SLAPPING]
01:24:40 You gotta wait until I put them back.
01:24:42 Come on.
01:24:45 So, what about you, with Sack?
01:24:48 Is that a good thing?
01:24:50 Yes, I think it's a good thing.
01:24:55 You don't sound very enthused.
01:24:57 I am.
01:24:59 Well, I mean, I think I am. I....
01:25:03 I'm....
01:25:06 Okay.
01:25:09 I-- You know, we've just been
01:25:12 ...and, uh, I mean, I always assumed
01:25:17 But....
01:25:21 I'm scared.
01:25:23 I am.
01:25:27 But that that's how everyone feels
01:25:30 I mean, don't you think?
01:25:33 Yeah, no. Don't answer that.
01:25:35 That's my rationalization
01:25:38 Fair enough.
01:25:41 And I don't mean to pry.
01:25:44 Yes, you did.
01:25:51 Well, however it works out,
01:25:55 Um....
01:25:57 I hope you realize that
01:26:35 I have an announcement.
01:26:40 I know that we said
01:26:44 ...but given the spirit
01:26:49 Claire, come on. Come on.
01:26:52 Come on. Come on.
01:26:59 [CHUCKLING]
01:27:03 Claire and I are getting married.
01:27:04 [CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]
01:27:07 KEN:
01:27:10 MAN 1:
01:27:12 -Wonderful.
01:27:14 [SNORING]
01:27:15 MAN 2:
01:27:17 Claire bear, you never told me.
01:27:19 Two of the great American families.
01:27:21 MAN 3: Claire, you took us all by surprise!
01:27:24 -Yeah.
01:27:27 Can you just give me one minute?
01:27:29 -Yeah. Mmm.
01:27:32 KEN:
01:27:34 Congratulations, young man.
01:27:35 Welcome to the family.
01:27:38 Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some,
01:27:41 -No, I'm not-- I can't do that.
01:27:44 Look, I think I'm in love with her.
01:27:46 Yeah, I think-- I think that you're nuts.
01:27:51 I'm gonna tell her the truth.
01:27:54 Jesus Christ!
01:27:59 -Hey. How are you?
01:28:04 Okay, listen, Gloria,
01:28:07 ...that you're an amazing person,
01:28:09 ...but I feel like I have
01:28:12 I really don't see this relationship
01:28:15 -But I love you.
01:28:17 You'll learn as time goes on
01:28:19 ...between infatuation and love,
01:28:23 Obviously, you're gonna have
01:28:26 ...because you lost your virginity to me...
01:28:28 -...but that doesn't mean--
01:28:33 -What?
01:28:35 Far from it.
01:28:38 I just thought that that's what guys
01:28:43 Come on.
01:28:46 Jeremy.
01:28:51 Wow
01:28:57 Hello, son.
01:28:59 -You okay?
01:29:02 No offense to you, I think we might be
01:29:06 I think you'd just be
01:29:08 But have a little
01:29:10 No one likes to drink alone.
01:29:14 There you go, get your hands on it.
01:29:16 I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray.
01:29:21 Can I ask you a question, Father?
01:29:24 You ever get horny?
01:29:26 [CHUCKLING]
01:29:28 I'm sure you do. But I guess in your
01:29:33 -...sleep with anybody, right?
01:29:35 Does that get tough sometimes?
01:29:37 Do you ever pull on yourself or...?
01:29:41 Everything works?
01:29:42 -Do you get swelled up still?
01:29:45 -Well, what do you do?
01:29:48 Yeah, I pray too, you know what I mean?
01:30:01 She's good.
01:30:03 I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.
01:30:05 It hurts to be lied to like that.
01:30:07 It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.
01:30:09 But I was looking
01:30:11 So could I really feel that bad?
01:30:14 It's not like I was who I was.
01:30:16 And let's be honest here, okay?
01:30:18 Let's put all the cards on the table.
01:30:21 She's fucked three ways
01:30:23 And you wanna know what?
01:30:26 Yeah. It turns me on.
01:30:28 You wanna know
01:30:30 Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy.
01:30:34 Maybe I'm a little cuckoo.
01:30:36 I know it's a surprise.
01:30:38 I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid.
01:30:41 We used to play checkers
01:30:43 ...and bless his heart,
01:30:46 [CHUCKLING]
01:30:48 And that ain't normal.
01:30:50 Maybe that's what it takes to make you feel
01:30:54 I know when that redhead
01:30:56 ...that something about me
01:30:59 I dig talking with you.
01:31:01 ...and I like that about you.
01:31:05 Okay, come in for the real thing.
01:31:07 -Get in here for the real thing.
01:31:09 I love you. You're a sweet man.
01:31:11 Oh, dear God.
01:31:29 You can't marry this guy.
01:31:31 Why?
01:31:33 Because I've fallen for you.
01:31:41 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
01:31:42 WOMAN: Oh, this is wonderful.
01:31:44 Good news travels fast.
01:31:46 Excuse me. I'm just gonna take this.
01:31:51 Trapster, talk to me.
01:31:55 No shit.
01:32:01 And do you maybe feel the same way?
01:32:04 -Maybe.
01:32:06 That's all I needed to know.
01:32:08 But this is crazy,
01:32:10 -Why?
01:32:13 -What do you mean?
01:32:16 ...and you have a crazy brother--
01:32:19 I need to talk to you. It's not a big deal...
01:32:21 ...but maybe you wanna
01:32:23 [GUNSHOT]
01:32:25 Run!
01:32:26 Johnny! She's trying to kill me!
01:32:30 -Grandma!
01:32:32 Put the gun down! Mother, stop!
01:32:35 This is the real world, lady!
01:32:36 You can't just go
01:32:39 MAN:
01:32:40 -What did you do?
01:32:45 -That was a confession.
01:32:49 Why don't you tell her, John?
01:32:53 -I don't know what's going on.
01:32:55 -I'm playing catch-up, too.
01:32:56 CLAIRE: Sack, what are you doing?
01:32:59 -You remember yet?
01:33:00 SACK: They're not who
01:33:02 -Those aren't even their real names.
01:33:05 -Everything he told you is a lie.
01:33:08 Claire, they crash weddings.
01:33:10 They crash weddings
01:33:13 Everything that they have told us
01:33:16 -No, you're joking.
01:33:19 -Sack, will you just stop?
01:33:22 CLAIRE: Is that true?
01:33:26 No, it's a yes-or-no question.
01:33:28 I know, but it's complicated.
01:33:29 CLAIRE:
01:33:37 Yes or no?
01:33:39 Yes.
01:33:42 With shades of gray.
01:33:47 I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
01:33:52 And you wanna know what? I dig it.
01:33:55 Jeremy tried to seduce me!
01:33:59 You did?
01:34:01 I want my painting back.
01:34:03 The painting was a gift, Todd.
01:34:05 I'm taking it with me.
01:34:08 You had me going, son.
01:34:10 I thought it was something special.
01:34:12 There's a ferry leaving in 1 0 minutes.
01:34:16 I suggest you be on it.
01:34:19 Come on, let's go.
01:34:23 - [WHISPERING] I want you.
01:34:28 He made a fool out of you, Claire.
01:34:35 Come on, let's go.
01:34:40 Sweetheart.
01:35:21 Now bunch those panties up
01:35:25 Put that little ball right in your mouth.
01:35:27 -Hang up the phone.
01:35:30 And I will definitely
01:35:32 -Come on, wrap it up.
01:35:35 What the fuck?
01:35:37 -I know how I can get to her.
01:35:39 I know how I can get to Claire.
01:35:41 Oh.
01:35:42 John, you gotta drop this thing.
01:35:46 It's been months,
01:35:48 She hasn't returned your phone calls,
01:35:51 -She didn't respond to the candygram.
01:35:54 God knows what happened
01:35:56 She didn't keep it and I know
01:35:59 -Okay.
01:36:00 ...at this juncture that she just flat out
01:36:05 I disagree. Now, look, they're having
01:36:07 ...for her tonight at the Burke's club.
01:36:10 I'm not g-- John, I can't--
01:36:13 Okay, okay, listen to me.
01:36:16 -Listen to me. I can't go.
01:36:18 Because I can't go, because I have
01:36:23 What is your deal?
01:36:25 For the past couple months
01:36:28 I can't find you,
01:36:30 ...put myself on the line,
01:36:32 Your goddamn negativity.
01:36:36 I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take
01:36:39 Buddy, you know I love you,
01:36:44 ...but we gotta look at reality here.
01:36:45 There's gonna be Secret Service.
01:36:48 There's not a shot in hell
01:36:51 You're so cautious.
01:36:53 I'm two steps ahead of you
01:36:57 Oh, yeah. 46 extra long,
01:37:02 We're waiters.
01:37:03 Buddy, for your own good,
01:37:06 Now, I'm gonna
01:37:10 Okay.
01:37:24 JOHN: Hey, how do I look?
01:37:26 -Good.
01:37:28 Late, as usual. Is Claire--?
01:37:30 -Oh, she's looking fine.
01:37:54 SACK: Next thing you know they pick me
01:37:58 ...and they start chanting,
01:38:01 ...they thought I was God.
01:38:05 And I'll tell you something,
01:38:07 CLEARY:
01:38:10 Let's dance.
01:38:11 [PEOPLE CLAPPING]
01:38:21 [BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]
01:38:38 SACK: You.
01:38:39 [GRUNTING]
01:38:43 Let's go, sport.
01:38:48 Whoa, hold it.
01:38:49 Sack!
01:38:57 Okay, Sackmaster, one more.
01:39:01 You're right.
01:39:05 You get near my fiancée again...
01:39:08 ...I'll kill you.
01:39:12 Let me say one thing.
01:39:19 You check out the rack
01:39:20 Hey, you're the Sack.
01:39:23 Oh, my God--
01:39:47 JOHN:
01:39:49 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
01:39:52 Goddamn it.
01:40:03 Perfect.
01:40:07 Johnny, wait a second.
01:40:09 Come on, John!
01:40:10 Oh, what time is it?
01:40:13 John, will you wait a second
01:40:15 Hold on, man.
01:40:17 Will you stop? I'm not gonna chase you
01:40:21 -Hold on a second. Let me talk to you.
01:40:24 About how you left me high and dry
01:40:27 Sack did that to you?
01:40:28 How long you been sneaking
01:40:31 I wanted to tell you about Gloria.
01:40:34 And I'm sorry that you had
01:40:37 I'll level with you.
01:40:39 I care about her a lot.
01:40:42 I love her.
01:40:44 What?
01:40:47 You're unbelievable. Judas.
01:40:50 Rule number 5: You're an idiot.
01:40:53 JEREMY: You're wrong to pull out the
01:40:56 What's the rule about walking away? Never
01:41:00 Rule number 115.
01:41:03 You're an asshole.
01:41:25 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
01:41:36 [MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
01:41:38 [PHONE RINGS]
01:41:41 JOHN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]:
01:41:44 [MACHINE BEEPS]
01:41:45 JEREMY:
01:41:47 Just calling to see what you're up to
01:41:50 Would love to hear back from you, man
01:41:52 Give me a shout
01:41:55 We'll do the wedding
01:41:57 It's a June wedding,
01:41:59 -...warm colors will really help you.
01:42:11 Johnny.
01:42:14 Johnny, open up, man.
01:42:16 Does anyone ever feel
01:42:19 ...disappearing?
01:42:21 I feel so much like giving up.
01:42:24 [SCREAMING]
01:42:29 Yeah!
01:42:35 Get it?
01:42:36 Put your hands out like this.
01:42:38 -Claire.
01:42:43 Hi. Thanks for coming.
01:42:46 MAN 1: Hey!
01:42:51 -You're supposed to move your hands.
01:42:57 Love doesn't exist.
01:43:00 And I'm not picking on love...
01:43:02 ...because I don't think
01:43:08 Hey! Shout!
01:43:11 Shout! Put your hands up and shout!
01:43:17 Are you okay? Get up, buddy.
01:43:20 Move it on.
01:43:23 JEREMY: Gloria, I've been doing a lot
01:43:26 ...and I think that I'm ready
01:43:31 ...our relationship, to the next level.
01:43:33 To what the next level
01:43:37 -Jeremy. Jeremy!
01:43:39 I am so ready to take it
01:43:41 Do you wanna watch me with a girl?
01:43:43 What about those Brazilian twins
01:43:48 I was-- I was thinking more along the lines
01:43:53 But that sounds terrific.
01:43:55 The Brazilian girls were very nice.
01:43:58 Oh, Jeremy, I do!
01:44:01 -I love you.
01:44:03 I can't believe that
01:44:06 I mean, don't you think
01:44:08 Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.
01:44:11 Has to have what she wants
01:44:13 Well, we had to give her a Sweet 1 6...
01:44:17 ...on her 1 3th birthday.
01:44:19 Yeah, I remember, but this is--
01:44:22 Dad, this is marriage.
01:44:23 When you know what you want,
01:44:29 So...
01:44:32 ...which of these do you like?
01:44:37 Um....
01:44:39 Well, I could go with
01:44:43 ...with tulips and freesias and orchids...
01:44:46 ...or I could go with a votive
01:44:53 -Claire bear.
01:44:57 What's wrong?
01:45:03 Look...
01:45:09 ...we have no way of knowing
01:45:14 All we can do is...
01:45:17 ...use the information at hand
01:45:24 It's gonna be fine.
01:45:26 -Your whole life is gonna be fine.
01:45:30 [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
01:45:41 Happy birthday.
01:45:43 Can't let a little pissing and moaning
01:45:46 Right, that's today.
01:45:54 I see you've been getting
01:45:57 That's not mine.
01:46:00 Yeah.
01:46:01 -So how you been?
01:46:04 Good. What have you been up to?
01:46:06 You know, this and that.
01:46:09 -Alone?
01:46:12 Well, who you been crashing with, then?
01:46:15 -Chazz.
01:46:16 -Chazz.
01:46:19 Yes, I do. He's a great guy.
01:46:23 All right, look,
01:46:26 ...and tell you that I feel really bad about
01:46:30 Your friendship means a lot to me.
01:46:33 I miss seeing you.
01:46:36 I know, I....
01:46:38 Look, I'm happy for you.
01:46:43 I can't tell you how glad it makes me
01:46:47 Get on in here,
01:46:50 You know I love you.
01:46:52 -It's good to see you.
01:46:54 You sure you've been okay?
01:46:57 -I know. It's like a pigsty.
01:47:01 Listen, I'm getting married.
01:47:02 -Get out.
01:47:04 -You just said that you were happy for me--
01:47:08 I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
01:47:10 -You said it wasn't yours.
01:47:13 It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
01:47:17 John, you've been my friend
01:47:21 I need you there to be my best man.
01:47:23 Kindly leave.
01:47:25 -I'm try--
01:47:36 -It'd mean a lot to me if you came.
01:47:40 What?
01:47:41 -White trash.
01:47:44 Out. Out.
01:47:47 You better get your ass to that wedding.
01:48:00 -Yeah?
01:48:05 Chazz, there's someone
01:48:09 Pick up your fucking skateboard!
01:48:12 [MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
01:48:19 [DOOR SLAMS]
01:48:33 Chazz?
01:48:38 What the fuck do you want?
01:48:40 I'm John Beckwith.
01:48:44 Goddamn it, why didn't you say so?
01:48:47 Come here, brother. Give me a hug.
01:48:50 Bring it in for the real thing.
01:48:55 Have a seat. Yeah.
01:49:00 Goddamn you.
01:49:01 I almost numchucked you,
01:49:03 Ouch.
01:49:06 Yeah.
01:49:07 -Is this your place?
01:49:10 -No, I live with my ma.
01:49:12 Yeah. You hungry?
01:49:14 Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
01:49:16 Chazz, I think I'm okay.
01:49:19 -Thank you.
01:49:21 So how's my protégé?
01:49:23 -Jeremy, boy, he--
01:49:26 J-bone is-- Believe it or not,
01:49:29 What?
01:49:31 [LAUGHING]
01:49:33 What an idiot!
01:49:36 Oh, what a loser!
01:49:38 Good. Good. More for me and you.
01:49:42 More for-- More for, uh--
01:49:48 I gotta go.
01:49:50 CHAZZ:
01:49:51 You do whatever you have to do.
01:50:04 -Thanks.
01:50:11 I'm just living the dream.
01:50:13 [LAUGHING]
01:50:16 That's unbelievable.
01:50:19 Oh, man, I feel like, "Wow!"
01:50:21 It's like I come over,
01:50:23 I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like--
01:50:27 There's cartoons, your mom,
01:50:30 Look at her.
01:50:34 I will have some meatloaf.
01:50:37 -You want some? I knew you'd come--
01:50:39 Hey, Mom! The meatloaf!
01:50:42 We want it now! The meatloaf!
01:50:47 What is she doing? I never know
01:50:51 "Just living the dream."
01:50:53 -She's hot.
01:50:55 -Yesterday?
01:50:57 I rode my bike over
01:51:00 Her boyfriend just died.
01:51:04 -You met her at a funeral?
01:51:06 Dude died in a hang-gliding accident.
01:51:09 [LAUGHING]
01:51:12 Ahh! "I'm hang-gliding!
01:51:18 What a freak.
01:51:20 You met her at a funeral.
01:51:24 Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every
01:51:28 The chicks are so horny,
01:51:31 It's like fishing with dynamite.
01:51:33 -Horny?
01:51:37 I just-- At a funeral?
01:51:40 Grief is nature's
01:51:45 -Look it up.
01:51:48 That's what I've learned.
01:51:50 Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
01:51:54 Saturday-- I got one Saturday.
01:51:56 You're coming with!
01:51:58 Chazz, I'm sorry, I don't--
01:52:00 I'm not judging you,
01:52:05 ...but there's no way
01:52:09 PRIEST: A time to plant, and a time
01:52:13 A time to kill and a time to heal.
01:52:16 A time to break down
01:52:19 A time to weep and a time to laugh.
01:52:23 [SOBBING]
01:52:27 PRIEST: A time to cast away stones....
01:52:30 Damn you, Roger.
01:52:35 Roger.
01:52:37 [CHAZZ CONTINUES SOBBING]
01:52:40 Oh!
01:52:42 Damn you, Roger!
01:52:44 Damn it! Damn you!
01:52:46 I'm in pain.
01:52:48 Try to fight it. Try to fight it.
01:52:51 I don't know about you people,
01:52:53 I know that there is no good in them...
01:52:56 ...for man to rejoice
01:53:01 ...for that which befalleth
01:53:06 Even one thing befalleth...
01:53:08 ...as the one dieth, so dieth the other.
01:53:12 Yea, they all have one breath...
01:53:14 ...so that a man hath no preeminence
01:53:19 While each man thinks he knows love...
01:53:21 ...love, we have learned, is a mystery.
01:53:26 That's what makes today so special.
01:53:31 We witness two people
01:53:35 ...ones they truly love.
01:53:39 [DOOR SLAMS]
01:53:46 Whoa, whoa, hey!
01:53:47 Hey! Hey!
01:53:51 He's the best man.
01:53:55 Yeah.
01:53:56 Thank you.
01:54:15 I don't believe this.
01:54:27 Hat in hand.
01:54:29 I'm sorry I'm late.
01:54:31 I'm glad you're here.
01:54:33 And I'm sorry I called you white trash.
01:54:36 -John, apology accepted.
01:54:39 And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly,
01:54:42 John, it's okay.
01:54:45 Do you mind if I get married now?
01:54:47 -No, go ahead.
01:54:50 Hi, Todd.
01:54:53 Although we may choose
01:54:57 -...we don't always choose....
01:54:58 [WHISPERING] Claire, I'm not here to
01:55:02 Don't worry about me.
01:55:06 [MOUTHING]
01:55:08 I'm not a nut.
01:55:13 You look really pretty, by the way.
01:55:18 I can't stop thinking about you.
01:55:20 It's all I think about
01:55:22 JEREMY: Ahem.
01:55:26 O'NEIL:
01:55:29 God, I miss you.
01:55:33 [WHISPERING]
01:55:37 [IN NORMAL VOICE]
01:55:40 Claire, will you wait just a second?
01:55:42 All I wanted was a second alone
01:55:47 But I've never gotten that chance.
01:55:50 Maybe I don't deserve it.
01:55:52 So here goes.
01:55:54 For longer than I care to remember,
01:55:59 I crashed weddings to meet girls.
01:56:01 Business was good.
01:56:04 I met a lot of girls.
01:56:06 And it was childish, it was juvenile--
01:56:09 And pathetic.
01:56:11 Yeah, that's probably
01:56:15 But you know what?
01:56:18 So it's hard for me
01:56:21 And that person that you met back
01:56:25 Maybe not my name--
01:56:29 --or my job...
01:56:30 ...but the feelings we felt...
01:56:32 ...the jokes, the stupid laughs,
01:56:36 I've changed. I've realized something.
01:56:39 -I crashed a funeral earlier, and I--
01:56:42 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:56:44 Oh, Jesus.
01:56:47 It wasn't my idea.
01:56:50 I went with Chazz, who you forgot
01:56:54 He also might be a genius, because
01:56:58 CLAIRE: John.
01:57:01 That's neither here nor there.
01:57:02 And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
01:57:06 She's just lost the person
01:57:10 And I realized we're all gonna
01:57:14 That's the way it is.
01:57:16 But not me, not right now.
01:57:20 Because the person I love the most
01:57:24 ...and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
01:57:26 Claire, I'm not standing here
01:57:30 I'm just asking you...
01:57:33 ...not to marry him.
01:57:36 And maybe take a walk.
01:57:38 Take a chance.
01:57:41 Wow. Wow!
01:57:45 This congregation really doesn't care about
01:57:50 Claire, baby, could you go back up
01:57:56 I'm sorry.
01:57:59 I am.
01:58:00 SACK:
01:58:03 I can't marry you.
01:58:07 [CHUCKLES]
01:58:10 Secretary...
01:58:11 ...your daughter's a little....
01:58:16 Sack, I've always liked you...
01:58:20 ...so I put up with your stories
01:58:25 ...and it's all good because
01:58:28 ...and that's what matters to me most.
01:58:31 But this is her decision.
01:58:37 I stand by my daughter.
01:58:39 You don't know shit.
01:58:41 -Claire, go back up on the altar.
01:58:43 Claire! Claire, get up
01:58:46 Stop it.
01:58:47 Claire, get your fucking ass
01:58:50 Wow, getting a nice preview
01:58:52 ...with Ike Turner here.
01:58:56 -Sack!
01:58:57 [GRUNTING]
01:59:00 [PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:59:01 Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.
01:59:05 -I think I had him.
01:59:08 Just go kiss the broad.
01:59:12 [MOANING]
01:59:21 Would it be a total cliché
01:59:25 Yes.
01:59:35 Just wonderful.
01:59:39 So damn beautiful.
01:59:43 With every death there comes rebirth.
01:59:46 -It's the circle of life.
01:59:49 We're gonna be all right.
01:59:51 Hey.
01:59:58 [CRYING]
02:00:00 Hey.
02:00:05 [LAUGHING]
02:00:07 -So, what's next?
02:00:09 Fujimora wedding, 3 p.m.
02:00:12 Hey, hey.
02:00:13 I'm just throwing it out there.
02:00:18 They would have great tempura.
02:00:20 We don't even have a back-story,
02:00:22 -No, forget it, forget it.
02:00:26 We're a folk-singing group
02:00:30 Yeah.
02:00:32 Yes, we are.
02:00:36 [SCREAMING]
02:06:54 Subtitles by
02:06:56 [ENGLISH SDH]