Whatever Works

en
00:01:08 That's notwhat I'm saying, you imbecile.
00:01:10 God, you completely
00:01:12 Why am I even bothering
00:01:14 - Boris, calm down.
00:01:17 Don'tjump on usjust because we
00:01:19 I didn'tjump on you.
00:01:21 It's not the idea behind Christianity
00:01:25 It's the professionals who've
00:01:27 There's big money in the
00:01:30 - Here we go.
00:01:31 Hey, the basic teachings of
00:01:33 So, by the way, is the original
00:01:37 Hey, what could be bad?
00:01:40 Do unto others. Democracy.
00:01:43 All great ideas. These are all great ideas,
00:01:49 - Which is?
00:01:50 Which is they're all based
00:01:53 that people are fundamentally decent.
00:01:56 Give them a chance to do
00:01:59 They're not stupid, selfish, greedy,
00:02:03 They do the best they can.
00:02:04 Speak foryourself,
00:02:05 All I'm saying is that people make
00:02:09 and, believe me, it's a
00:02:11 But on the whole, I'm sorry
00:02:15 - I wouldn't go that far.
00:02:18 That's why this woman you like, Joe,
00:02:20 so what if she's an embalmer's assistant,
00:02:24 For Christ's sake, you got to take
00:02:27 in this chamber of horrors.
00:02:28 A little formaldehyde,
00:02:31 You know, they don't knowyour
00:02:36 My story is, whateverworks. You know,
00:02:40 Any way you can filch a little joy
00:02:42 in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless,
00:02:47 No. That's not... Tell them the story.
00:02:50 - Tell them.
00:02:51 You justwant me to say it
00:02:53 - Who?
00:02:55 - Who?
00:02:56 - You see something out there?
00:02:58 What are you? An imbecile?
00:02:59 There's an audience full
00:03:00 - An audience?
00:03:02 You feel you're being watched.
00:03:03 They paid good money for
00:03:05 so some moron in Hollywood
00:03:09 Okay, you're saying there are human beings
00:03:14 Well, mostly they're
00:03:17 Yeah, they're just sitting
00:03:20 Some are eating popcorn, some
00:03:23 breathing through their
00:03:25 So they're there to
00:03:27 - Total delusions of grandeur.
00:03:30 Why would you want to hear my story?
00:03:32 Do we know each other?
00:03:37 Let me tell you right off, okay?
00:03:39 I'm not a likeable guy. Charm
00:03:44 And just so you know, this is not
00:03:48 So ifyou're one ofthose
00:03:51 go get yourself a foot massage.
00:03:52 - Mom, that man's talking to himself!
00:03:57 What the hell does it all mean
00:04:01 Nothing comes to anything, and yet
00:04:05 Not me. I have a vision.
00:04:09 Your friends, your co-workers,
00:04:13 Everybody's happy to talk,
00:04:16 Morality, science, religion,
00:04:20 Your portfolio, your
00:04:24 If I have to eat nine servings
00:04:27 I don'twant to live. I hate
00:04:30 And your omega-3's and the
00:04:34 and the mammogram and
00:04:36 and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy!
00:04:39 And with it all, the day still
00:04:43 and it's on to the next
00:04:45 who'll also tell you all about life
00:04:50 My father committed suicide because
00:04:55 And could you blame him?
00:04:56 With the horror and corruption
00:04:59 and genocide and AIDS and
00:05:03 and the family-value
00:05:08 "The horror," Kurtz said at the end
00:05:12 Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered
00:05:17 Butwhat do you do?
00:05:18 You read about some massacre in Darfur
00:05:20 or some school bus gets blown up,
00:05:24 And then you turn the page and finish
00:05:29 Because what can you
00:05:32 I tried to commit suicide myself.
00:05:35 Obviously, it didn'twork out.
00:05:38 Butwhy do you even want to hear about all
00:05:42 I'm sure you're all obsessed with any
00:05:46 Your predictably unsatistying love
00:05:51 "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!"
00:05:53 "If only I had purchased
00:05:56 "If only I had made
00:05:59 Ifthis, ifthat. You knowwhat?
00:06:01 Give me a break with your "could
00:06:04 Like my mother used to say,
00:06:06 "If my grandmother had wheels,
00:06:09 My mother didn't have wheels.
00:06:12 Still, the woman gave
00:06:16 I was considered for a
00:06:19 I didn't get it.
00:06:20 But, you know, it's all politics,
00:06:24 Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter
00:06:30 By the standards of a mindless, barbaric
00:06:35 I was married to a beautiful
00:06:38 Foryears we lived on Beekman Place.
00:06:42 I taught at Columbia. String theory.
00:06:50 What's the matter, Boris?
00:06:52 I'm dying!
00:06:53 What is it?
00:06:56 I'm dying!
00:06:57 Should I call an ambulance?
00:06:59 No! No, not now! No, not
00:07:03 - Boris, everybody dies.
00:07:06 Your panic attacks are getting
00:07:10 You have to go back on your medicine.
00:07:12 I'm not going back on
00:07:13 I won't have my mind
00:07:15 when I'm the only one who sees the
00:07:18 Where's the goddamn vodka?
00:07:19 Boris, I have clients
00:07:20 - It is 4:00 a. m!
00:07:24 To design their chic apartment, to fill
00:07:28 so they can flaunt their money
00:07:29 and be in the top 1% ofthis
00:07:34 illiterate, sexually repressed,
00:07:38 Christ, it is 4:00 a. m. Can you
00:07:43 I'm a man with a huge worldview.
00:07:46 And what about me? Am I a microbe?
00:07:51 Let's face it, Jessica, okay?
00:07:54 Our marriage hasn't
00:07:56 Botanically speaking, you're
00:07:59 You are a very difficult
00:08:02 - Is thatwhy you had an affeir?
00:08:04 Itwas a brief interlude of
00:08:07 You still can't forget it!
00:08:10 I see everything so
00:08:13 - I married you for all the wrong reasons.
00:08:17 You're brilliant. I
00:08:20 You loved classical music, you
00:08:24 You loved sex! You loved me!
00:08:26 Those sound like pretty
00:08:28 Yes! Exactly! That's the
00:08:32 Itwas rational, it made sense!
00:08:34 I don't knowwhatwentwrong.
00:08:36 When you examine it, there
00:08:40 On paperwe're ideal.
00:08:44 But life isn't on paper.
00:08:48 Boris? Boris, what are you doing?
00:08:52 Close the window!
00:08:55 Boris!
00:08:57 Can you believe I hit the
00:09:01 Months in the hospital! Moron
00:09:05 I never had a limp before.
00:09:07 Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,
00:09:11 I eke out a meager living teaching
00:09:15 Checkmate, you little patzer.
00:09:17 Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff.
00:09:20 He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.
00:09:24 More important than how I make my
00:09:29 Nights, I have trcuble sleeping
00:09:32 tcting to explain to cretins that while
00:09:35 he still can't get a cab in New York.
00:09:37 Almost 100 years after
00:09:40 a man couldn't play a game of baseball in
00:09:45 You're harping on one point.
00:09:47 Oh, good. Okay, forget
00:09:51 - What?
00:09:52 Foryears they restricted the number
00:09:55 In America, as much as they hated
00:10:00 Blacks they were scared had too big a penis.
00:10:03 For God's sake, I'm eating here.
00:10:05 You! I've been looking foryou.
00:10:07 - I want to talk to you.
00:10:09 Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces
00:10:14 That idiot's your son?
00:10:16 Do me a favor. Don't send
00:10:18 I can't teach an
00:10:20 I'll have you know that
00:10:24 In your opinion. In your opinion.
00:10:28 Which is skewed, because
00:10:30 So you threw a chessboard at him?
00:10:33 I didn't throw it at him.
00:10:34 I picked up the board and
00:10:38 as an object lesson to shake
00:10:41 You wait until my husband
00:10:44 - What's he doing in Florida without you?
00:10:48 Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale.
00:10:49 He's probably hanging outwith
00:10:52 He tells her it's a business trip.
00:10:54 Your son's an imbecile. Teach
00:11:02 You handled that beautifully, Boris.
00:11:04 You know, you should open the
00:11:07 Let's get out of here.
00:11:10 Good night, Boris.
00:11:11 What? What are you doing?
00:11:15 Where are you going? That's it?
00:11:25 - Sir?
00:11:27 What the hell are you doing? My
00:11:31 You creep up on me like that, you
00:11:34 Can you help me get something to eat?
00:11:36 Oh, God, no, I don't carry
00:11:39 you can tell that to your
00:11:41 - Please, I'm so hungry!
00:11:43 I haven't had anything to eat all
00:11:46 Yeah, listen, I'm wise to
00:11:48 I know about professional beggar school.
00:11:50 Please, I'm desperate.
00:11:53 God, stop that! You look
00:11:58 Just... All right.
00:12:01 Come up for two minutes.
00:12:03 - And then go.
00:12:06 Two minutes, okay? That's it.
00:12:11 Happy birthday to you
00:12:15 Happy birthday, dear
00:12:18 Happy birthday to you
00:12:21 Happy birthday, dear
00:12:25 Is this your birthday?
00:12:26 You don't knowyou have to sing Happy
00:12:31 You said you were
00:12:33 I like oysters, blackened redfish,
00:12:38 Are you nuts? What do you think
00:12:41 - How about a can of sardines?
00:12:45 Gumbo. So what's your name?
00:12:48 Melody. Melody Celestine.
00:12:51 Melody Celestine.
00:12:53 Melody SaintAnne Celestine.
00:12:56 It's French. My mama's
00:13:00 I'm from Mississippi, Mr...
00:13:06 Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.
00:13:10 Mr. Muggeridge.
00:13:14 Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?
00:13:18 No, I haven't. Not even the people
00:13:23 So...
00:13:25 So what are you running away from?
00:13:27 Home.
00:13:29 Could you be more specific, Melanie?
00:13:31 Melody. Melanie was
00:13:34 Oh, yeah. I preferred the
00:13:37 Why? Melanie was the nice
00:13:40 Ashley. What an imbecile!
00:13:41 I couldn't stand him, I
00:13:43 that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing.
00:13:46 Scarlett, bitch that she
00:13:52 You know, I came in first dressed as
00:13:56 Pageant?
00:13:58 My mom always used to keep me
00:14:01 That's why I didn't
00:14:04 All right, my advice
00:14:08 Oh, no, I'm never going back home.
00:14:11 You're a brainless little twit who
00:14:14 You'd be dead now of starvation if I
00:14:18 I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.
00:14:20 - All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.
00:14:23 No, it's not my name. My
00:14:25 I was using an alias. I thought, who knows,
00:14:29 Can I stay here?
00:14:31 Stay here? What are you?
00:14:35 - I'm 21. -
00:14:38 You're 21 like I play for
00:14:41 You're a professional
00:14:44 - Oh, Christ!
00:14:47 Okay? I want to make a
00:14:49 You'll wind up a prostitute, like those
00:14:53 And then they wind up
00:14:56 And many ofthem are
00:14:58 That's so funny you just mentioned
00:15:02 I do. I can showyou. I just need...
00:15:05 Yeah, you know, some
00:15:09 Look, you're a sweet kid.
00:15:14 but you'll never survive here. You
00:15:19 You know, you may be beauty
00:15:22 but this is the big time.
00:15:25 A five maybe afteryou bathe.
00:15:29 Did you get that limp
00:15:31 Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm.
00:15:33 I didn't play for the Yankees!
00:15:37 - Oh, you... I took it seriously.
00:15:42 I usually getjokes. At the church's
00:15:46 - I've a way with jokes. Yes.
00:15:48 - Spare me and just get out.
00:15:51 Stop calling me Muggeridge,
00:15:53 I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...
00:15:57 I just need a place to stay for a
00:16:01 I don't have anywhere to go.
00:16:04 And ifyou throw me out and I
00:16:08 that's gonna be on your conscience.
00:16:13 I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile.
00:16:18 between a bedraggled microbe
00:16:22 - Keep out of my way.
00:16:24 I'm just gonna use the
00:16:26 and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.
00:16:28 Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen
00:16:33 - I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...
00:16:36 - You were going to say Muggeridge again?
00:16:38 It's Boris Yellnikoff! You call
00:16:41 I'm gonna throwyou
00:16:43 - Do you mind if I watch a little TV?
00:16:46 I just like to turn some
00:16:49 Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your
00:16:57 - Did you hear about Boris?
00:16:58 I tried to call him yesterday
00:17:00 No! Who is she?
00:17:01 He got conned into
00:17:03 bed down in his apartment while
00:17:06 Apparently she's never
00:17:08 and she's asked him if
00:17:10 - Boris is going to be sightseeing?
00:17:12 - Not a chance.
00:17:13 No way.
00:17:16 My whole life I've lived in NewYork,
00:17:20 - Now I knowwhy.
00:17:23 I should never go to a tomb, ever.
00:17:26 My mom brought me up to believe that
00:17:28 the good Lord has a plan
00:17:31 - He has His eye on the sparrow.
00:17:36 I'm not getting into
00:17:39 You? You're kidding. You sinned?
00:17:42 I made love before I was married.
00:17:44 Oh, my God.
00:17:45 Plenty of my friends have, but in
00:17:50 I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.
00:17:51 All right, okay, spare
00:17:54 No, itwas really beautiful!
00:17:56 this pretty boy guitar player
00:17:59 I mean, ifyou think you're a
00:18:02 - No! Doubles on drums?
00:18:05 All the girls had a crush
00:18:09 He was so sweet and sensitive,
00:18:11 and he caught the biggest
00:18:14 I wondered who caught that catfish.
00:18:16 Hey, you know, my mom always told me
00:18:19 you know, she said itwas, you know,
00:18:20 it's a woman's duty to just
00:18:25 You know, she said there were a lot of
00:18:29 it's God's will, you shouldn't do it
00:18:30 unless you were married and
00:18:33 She said it could be dangerous,
00:18:36 the most natural thing in the
00:18:41 And all the little extras were just
00:18:46 And I think Bobby really liked it, because
00:18:50 this girl he was going steady with.
00:18:55 Itwasjustwhat itwas, you know, itwas a
00:19:01 That is the most disgusting
00:19:04 You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking
00:19:09 You don't like to make love?
00:19:11 No, I do not. No.
00:19:13 That's crazy!
00:19:17 Boris, do you want to
00:19:19 All right, I really don'twant
00:19:21 - I think I want to be cremated.
00:19:23 There's no worms.
00:19:27 - What is this?
00:19:29 And what's it made of?
00:19:30 I've been eating these things
00:19:33 I don't knowwhat's in them.
00:19:34 I don'twant to knowwhat's in
00:19:37 - Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!
00:19:41 - Are you all right? What happened?
00:19:45 - Are you sick?
00:19:47 Did you have a bad dream?
00:19:49 Yeah, itwas terrible.
00:19:51 - Come here. It's okay.
00:19:54 Oh, baby, you're
00:19:56 Night sweats. I get them.
00:19:58 I used to think itwas AIDS, but it'sjust
00:20:01 - and you turned my night-light
00:20:05 Does your stomach hurt?
00:20:08 Knish! Not kwish.
00:20:11 Well, here, I'll put something on TV.
00:20:14 - I saw the abyss.
00:20:26 - Oh, this is...
00:20:28 Fred Astaire. Yeah.
00:20:32 Leave that.
00:20:35 That's good. Leave that.
00:20:47 There, that's it, okay? Can
00:20:49 Oh, my God, that's it!
00:20:53 I've only seen it in pictures!
00:20:55 "Bring me your tired, your
00:20:59 I'm surprised you know
00:21:02 I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood,
00:21:07 But the huddled masses were
00:21:09 Soon as they came over, each ethnic
00:21:13 Each one had to claw
00:21:16 People always hated foreigners.
00:21:19 Our pageants like to focus on
00:21:23 Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped
00:21:27 My daddy says that America
00:21:29 for the blacks because we
00:21:31 Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a
00:21:37 Well, you're probably right,
00:21:39 but for a little Mississippi girl
00:21:44 So what kind of genius are you, anyway?
00:21:47 - What kind?
00:21:52 Quantum mechanics.
00:21:53 Yeah, butwhat field? Like, music?
00:21:57 When you see kids tossing a ball, does
00:22:02 All right, I've never played for
00:22:07 I have never played any sports
00:22:12 Joe, Leo, you gotta help me
00:22:15 - Just kick her out.
00:22:18 - A whole month? God, time flies.
00:22:21 Well, at least is she pretty?
00:22:22 - She's won some beauty contests.
00:22:24 Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.
00:22:27 Well, she's blonde.
00:22:31 Didn't quite realize how blue
00:22:34 Her face is a little more symmetrical
00:22:39 She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.
00:22:42 - Good in bed?
00:22:48 - Can I ask you to dance with me?
00:22:51 I don't mean now. In a few minutes,
00:22:53 the dance will be over
00:22:55 Well, the band will go home, too.
00:22:57 Why, there'll just be the two of us
00:23:01 We can pretend there's
00:23:04 and they're playing
00:23:08 You know, it's been proven
00:23:11 Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!
00:23:14 What? What's all this?
00:23:15 I'm making you a special dinner.
00:23:17 - Really? For me?
00:23:19 And me, 'cause we're celebrating.
00:23:21 We are? What is it?
00:23:24 - Crawfish! I found some at the market.
00:23:27 No, they're so good. You'll love them.
00:23:29 Listen, Melody,
00:23:33 Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk
00:23:35 Melody, you're a very nice
00:23:39 You have a lot of nice attributes,
00:23:42 but, you know, you just can't
00:23:46 Yeah, yeah, but that's
00:23:49 I got ajob! I can start paying you rent.
00:23:53 Rent? I don'twant you to pay me rent!
00:23:55 I want my life back. What kind ofjob?
00:23:58 I start tomorrow as a dog walker.
00:24:02 A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...
00:24:05 Melody, don't you think you should
00:24:09 maybe even go to college?
00:24:11 I thought the other night you
00:24:14 one ofthe worst education
00:24:16 - No, no, the Western world.
00:24:19 and how most collegesjust turn
00:24:24 You could benefit from classes.
00:24:28 I think the crawfish are ready.
00:24:31 What is that song?
00:24:40 They played that song the first
00:24:43 - Where did you go?
00:24:47 We were both students at
00:24:51 She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.
00:24:55 Boy, they really don'twrite
00:24:58 Oh! That's a cliché.
00:25:01 Good, Melody. You caught it.
00:25:03 Well, you always get
00:25:06 Yeah, I shouldn't
00:25:10 is finally the bestway
00:25:14 Boris,
00:25:17 whatwould you say if I was to say
00:25:23 that I was developing
00:25:28 - I'd say don't.
00:25:31 Because anything deeper, more significant
00:25:37 Because why?
00:25:38 Because it's too preposterous
00:25:43 It is?
00:25:46 Every single thing is against it.
00:25:48 Our ages, our backgrounds,
00:25:51 Not to mention, I have no desire to have
00:25:56 nor any urge to make love,
00:25:59 but isolated from the world.
00:26:02 And, you know, you're a beautiful girl
00:26:05 who should be meeting normal
00:26:10 Yeah, but I don't like
00:26:14 I like you.
00:26:17 I... You're hallucinating! I'm
00:26:23 at a fish fry or a dog fight
00:26:28 You really think I'm beautiful?
00:26:31 I admit I didn't give you your
00:26:35 However, as only a great mind can do,
00:26:38 I've reassessed my
00:26:42 position, and changed my mind.
00:26:46 So you could never think of marrying me?
00:26:50 Have you lost your mind?
00:26:52 Why on Earth would you even
00:26:55 What could I offeryou, but a
00:26:59 morbid fixations, reclusive
00:27:04 And what could you offer me?
00:27:05 A character out of
00:27:10 The answer to your question is no.
00:27:13 I think you should stay here for
00:27:18 and then find a place ofyour
00:27:22 Well, what about your life?
00:27:24 Let me teach you
00:27:27 Naturally, there are exceptions
00:27:29 but they're the exception, not the rule.
00:27:32 Love, despite what they tell you,
00:27:36 does not conquer all. Nor
00:27:41 In the end, the romantic
00:27:44 are reduced to
00:27:47 whateverworks. Okay?
00:27:51 Why do I think your bark
00:27:55 Cliché, Melody.
00:27:56 Oh, I don't care! Ifthe shoe fits,
00:28:11 We need to talk for a minute.
00:28:15 Can you believe this little
00:28:20 Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.
00:28:26 I gave her the benefit of my
00:28:29 Tried to impart to her
00:28:33 of a truly original mentality.
00:28:36 I only wish I could
00:28:39 But if Henry Higgins ever tried to
00:28:44 he, too, would have
00:29:05 Come on.
00:29:06 - Oh, boy! New friends.
00:29:08 Oh, yeah. They like each other.
00:29:10 It's okay. I rather like dogs.
00:29:12 Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.
00:29:16 I never met a professional dog walker.
00:29:18 Really? It's not really the
00:29:22 What do you want to do?
00:29:24 I'd like to work with children.
00:29:27 You're very pretty, you know that?
00:29:29 - Shut up! Thank you.
00:29:32 It's Melody. Melody SaintAnne Celestine.
00:29:36 What a beautiful name!
00:29:40 - It's nice to meet you.
00:29:41 May I walk along with you?
00:29:44 I don't see why not, you know,
00:29:48 - Pardon me?
00:29:51 I don't think I follow.
00:29:53 Well, you know, it's like
00:29:58 Whichever's bigger. I just
00:30:03 What is that? What is
00:30:06 Well, I thought your bishop was...
00:30:07 My bishop what? What?
00:30:10 How many times do I have to tell
00:30:13 That's called the poisoned
00:30:15 - Boris!
00:30:17 - Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
00:30:19 you're sorry. Use your head
00:30:21 - Boris!
00:30:23 Don'twaste my time.
00:30:25 - Hey!
00:30:27 I got offwork early today and I thought
00:30:30 Maybe I can make black-eyed
00:30:32 - No, I'm not hungry.
00:30:34 - My ulcer's been killing me all day.
00:30:38 No, I said they can't find an
00:30:40 Those malpractice
00:30:42 They drop that endoscope down my
00:30:45 and they always come up with nothing!
00:30:48 Well, guess what happened today?
00:30:50 I got to talking to this boy on the
00:30:55 Really?
00:30:57 I could tell he liked me right off
00:30:59 and we went and had coffee and
00:31:03 You knowwhat banter is,
00:31:05 Yeah, yeah, I'm familiarwith banter.
00:31:07 Yeah, so, anyway, he
00:31:10 I said, "Not really. " He said,
00:31:15 What do you think?
00:31:17 Great. I just hope he's
00:31:22 A who?
00:31:24 You have to keep an eye
00:31:26 He's not a serial killer. At
00:31:30 Yeah, well, you have to be careful.
00:31:31 Sometimes they put you in the trunk
00:31:34 I'm not... I'm serious.
00:31:36 I told him your theory
00:31:40 What did you say?
00:31:41 That it should include people that
00:31:46 people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk,
00:31:50 I can't remember them
00:31:59 - How do I look?
00:32:02 Why? What's wrong?
00:32:04 That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.
00:32:06 You looking to wind up
00:32:08 I want to look nice.
00:32:10 Just kind of give him an idea ofwhat he
00:32:14 Oh, yeah? What's he in for?
00:32:17 All the stuffwith a
00:32:19 because you're a genius
00:32:22 But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,
00:32:24 and I have a natural talent
00:32:27 Yeah, well, I just hope
00:32:29 so you can move out quickly, you
00:32:32 - Hi, Perry! - Hey. Sorry I'm late.
00:32:35 No, it's fine. Come on in.
00:32:38 This is Perry.
00:32:39 Hi. Your daughter is very
00:32:44 I'm not her father.
00:32:46 Grandfather?
00:32:48 Perry, I told you I was
00:32:51 So what do you do, Perry?
00:32:53 He's studying. Investments
00:32:58 You got any
00:33:01 identification?
00:33:03 - Pardon me? - You know,
00:33:08 No, sir. I never carry around my
00:33:13 Be careful, Bundy
00:33:17 I'm just gonna go finish getting
00:33:26 Melody tells me you're
00:33:30 If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.
00:33:32 She explained to me your theory
00:33:37 Don't let it spoil your evening.
00:33:39 - Okay, let's go, Perry.
00:33:42 Hey! Come here.
00:33:44 - Don't give him any information about me.
00:33:46 You know, dates, credit card
00:33:50 Goodbye, Boris.
00:33:52 Oh, and hey, if I'm not here
00:33:55 Oh? Where are you going?
00:33:57 - Out.
00:34:00 - Yeah, I have friends, too.
00:34:09 I even heard the opening's
00:34:10 Yeah, they are. Have
00:34:13 No, no. This is my
00:34:16 You didn't tell me that.
00:34:20 Get the hell out of here. In America,
00:34:24 Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.
00:34:27 - Tennis camp.
00:34:30 They should have a concentration camp.
00:34:33 Two weeks mandatory
00:34:36 so they would finally understand
00:34:40 Brilliant! Exceptwho'd send
00:34:43 A responsible parent who wants
00:34:47 All right, all right, let's change the
00:34:51 - Harry Lawson?
00:34:52 - Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
00:34:55 - What a great chemist.
00:34:58 A smoker. The minute a person
00:35:03 Hey, I got news foryou, thin
00:35:06 Abstinence isn't going to save you.
00:35:08 You're pleasant tonight.
00:35:09 - What are you talking about?
00:35:12 She's out listening to some
00:35:16 I thought you were
00:35:18 Well, hopefully this guy tonight
00:35:23 You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.
00:35:27 Now she's pretty?
00:35:29 What? I'm just saying she's not
00:35:32 I'd say a seven or eight.
00:35:40 Anybody here?
00:36:51 - Oh, you're up!
00:36:55 And what did you do?
00:36:57 I went dancing at a Latin
00:37:01 Shut up!
00:37:02 You were talking about people
00:37:04 and politics and all that
00:37:08 Howwas your date?
00:37:10 - Itwas a big washout! Yeah.
00:37:14 This particular rock band wasn't any good?
00:37:17 No! No, the musicwas fine.
00:37:20 - Just that guy and his friends! I just...
00:37:25 Well, his taste! He
00:37:30 Life, love, human beings!
00:37:35 And the couple thatwe double-dated
00:37:40 - Protons?
00:37:44 Cretins!
00:37:45 Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't
00:37:51 I think you're a little drunk.
00:37:54 I did have a few drinks.
00:37:57 But can you blame me? Hanging
00:38:01 I mean, they actually think that
00:38:08 I told them about Jethro
00:38:12 He got caught doing itwith a
00:38:17 And they were all
00:38:20 but I just looked at
00:38:23 "as Boris would say, whateverworks. "
00:38:30 - What are you looking at?
00:38:35 The chance factor in
00:38:42 You entered the world
00:38:44 by a random event
00:38:47 somewhere along the Mississippi.
00:38:51 I, having emerged through the conjoining
00:38:54 of Sam and Yetta
00:38:58 decades earlier.
00:39:01 And through an astronomical
00:39:03 concatenation of circumstances,
00:39:07 our paths cross.
00:39:10 Two runaways
00:39:13 in the vast,
00:39:15 black,
00:39:18 unspeakably violent
00:39:21 and indifferent universe.
00:39:36 Can you believe I married
00:39:40 This search in life for something
00:39:45 To quell the panic.
00:39:47 All right, so it's been a year.
00:39:50 Three hundred and sixty-five
00:39:53 And you knowwhat? Not the
00:39:58 What are these?
00:40:00 - They're grits.
00:40:08 They're actually disgusting.
00:40:11 She's cheerful, not demanding.
00:40:13 Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but
00:40:19 Jessica's prcblem was she made up
00:40:23 But not Melody.
00:40:25 She likes being a nanny. She's
00:40:28 so mercifully she doesn't
00:40:31 Once a week we see a movie.
00:40:33 Maybe she doesn't understand
00:40:36 but she tries and she's a good sport.
00:40:38 She sits up nights with me
00:40:41 She keeps me company
00:40:43 when I'm convinced my
00:40:47 Yes, my life is circumscribed,
00:40:51 I've achieved a delicate balance.
00:40:53 And as long as I can maintain it,
00:41:21 Oh, no, no, no.
00:41:23 - Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
00:41:26 I like music I can dance to.
00:41:28 I know, I know, but this is brutal.
00:41:32 Put this on. Okay? And then when
00:41:36 All right, I'll try.
00:41:39 It's Beethoven's Fifth!
00:41:42 Think of the music as
00:41:45 Maybe a little story will
00:41:50 Fate knocking on the door.
00:42:32 - Mother?
00:42:34 Oh, it's you!
00:42:36 - Oh, my God.
00:42:40 I finally found you, praise Jesus!
00:42:42 How did you find me?
00:42:44 Oh, my prayers were finally answered!
00:42:47 I can't... You're just the
00:42:50 Well, when you least expect it, fate
00:42:54 Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.
00:43:00 What are you doing here?
00:43:03 - Well, I was trying to find you, honey.
00:43:07 - I came to find you, honey!
00:43:10 Oh, we searched and searched.
00:43:12 The police looked for clues.
00:43:15 Howwe worried. I developed
00:43:19 Now look here. I had a little work done.
00:43:21 Mother, I left you a letter.
00:43:24 Melody SaintAnne, I'd
00:43:28 Well, what's wrong with it?
00:43:30 What's wrong? What's
00:43:33 Everything's wrong. You're
00:43:37 But it's clean as a whistle.
00:43:40 You clean? You don't have a woman?
00:43:42 Boris can't really afford help.
00:43:45 - Who?
00:43:48 - Who's Boris?
00:43:51 - What?
00:43:55 - And he's taken you to live here?
00:44:01 I have to have a drink.
00:44:04 I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.
00:44:07 Okay, okay, have a seat. We
00:44:11 Just bring me the drink with the
00:44:17 You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.
00:44:20 Kind of happy?
00:44:22 You leave a loving home in Eden,
00:44:24 run offwith some crazy kid, I'm
00:44:28 who can't earn a respectable
00:44:31 in this decadent city,
00:44:35 This is exactly why I ran away.
00:44:37 Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why
00:44:41 Because, Mama, you're...
00:44:44 You're overbearing. That's
00:44:47 and you fail to see the big picture.
00:44:51 What big picture are you talking about?
00:44:54 I don't know.
00:44:56 All I know is that nothing moves
00:45:00 so you may as well relax.
00:45:03 I'm just gonna have a
00:45:06 Mama, you're still caught up
00:45:10 Happy birthday to you
00:45:12 What's that?
00:45:13 That's Boris.
00:45:15 It's his birthday?
00:45:17 No, he'sjustwashing his hands.
00:45:19 Happy birthday, dear
00:45:29 Who's this?
00:45:31 Boris, this is my mother.
00:45:34 Mother, my husband.
00:45:40 Mama! Mama!
00:45:42 Walk her around, she's
00:45:45 Mama, are you all right?
00:45:46 - Did he drug you?
00:45:48 - Are you on sodium pentothal?
00:45:50 That's what they do,
00:45:54 It's uncanny. She's exactly
00:45:57 You are not the
00:46:00 I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy
00:46:01 if she married the guy who caught the
00:46:05 I'd be happier if she
00:46:07 No, you see, Mama,
00:46:10 He doesn't have a lot of
00:46:12 - We, we inchworms.
00:46:14 Some genius.
00:46:15 I was almost nominated
00:46:18 That's right, Boris. And whatwas
00:46:21 I need more booze.
00:46:22 You know, you never
00:46:24 Oh, Melody. I have a
00:46:28 What happened, Mama?
00:46:31 Your father left me.
00:46:35 - Aren't you shocked?
00:46:37 And with who, of all people?
00:46:39 - My best friend, Mandy.
00:46:41 - How did you know?
00:46:43 Itwas as plain as the nose
00:46:46 At first I thought he
00:46:48 because things was going
00:46:52 How often did you have intercourse?
00:46:53 Are you going to close
00:46:57 By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money
00:47:01 and we were forced to sell the house.
00:47:02 - You sold the house?
00:47:05 because we were so desperate.
00:47:06 And then he lost hisjob, the
00:47:09 And then we spent all our
00:47:12 'cause I came down with
00:47:14 - Oh, my God.
00:47:17 Darling, I turned to Jesus in a
00:47:22 I prayed and I prayed,
00:47:26 asking God to help me.
00:47:28 Let me guess what happened,
00:47:31 I said, "Lord, just give me one sign
00:47:36 I said, "Please, God,
00:47:38 "Break your silence. I
00:47:41 Nothing, right? And all that money
00:48:03 Abortion is murder, that's
00:48:05 - That's how I feel. Well...
00:48:07 Why are you wasting
00:48:08 You're dealing with an aborigine.
00:48:09 You don't mind killing the unborn,
00:48:11 butwhen some fiend
00:48:14 you're against giving him
00:48:16 Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't
00:48:19 I've neverwon an Academy Award and
00:48:23 - Where's the little girl's? Thank you.
00:48:28 Don't forget to sing The
00:48:44 Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:48:46 I realize this is forward, butwho's
00:48:50 May I ask why you want to know?
00:48:53 Well, because she's very beautiful.
00:49:01 What did you say your name was, darling?
00:49:04 - Randy. Randy Lee James.
00:49:07 Nice to meet you.
00:49:08 It's too good. I think they're
00:49:09 - No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.
00:49:12 Oh, thank you.
00:49:14 - Who were you talking to?
00:49:17 Listen, listen, I want
00:49:19 Take me someplace fun!
00:49:22 Boris, where can I take her that's fun?
00:49:24 How about the Holocaust Museum?
00:49:25 - Oh, for God's sake, Boris.
00:49:26 - Oh, the wax! The wax figures.
00:49:29 - Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.
00:49:31 - Itwas so nice to meet you, Leo.
00:49:33 - Bye. Bye, bye.
00:49:36 Have fun!
00:49:38 You know, I have to say, even with
00:49:42 your mother-in-law has
00:49:45 You know, you're a man of learning,
00:49:47 of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility.
00:49:50 This is what you take away
00:49:53 and "my country right
00:49:55 It's notjust her bosom. Her behind
00:50:01 Well, I'm sure you'll have no
00:50:03 She's vulnerable, she's stupid
00:50:06 Personally, I lose
00:50:08 when the woman's a member of
00:50:10 It's pear-shaped.
00:50:12 Degas used to distinguish between an
00:50:17 And I'm a big fruit eater.
00:50:19 - Melody.
00:50:22 Oh, my God. Oh, hello.
00:50:25 - They're made out of real wax, too.
00:50:28 Billy Graham!
00:50:30 Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the
00:50:34 not that Communist who
00:50:36 every time he washes his hands.
00:50:38 How long are you staying, Mom?
00:50:40 Honey, I don't knowwhere else to go.
00:50:43 I have nothing to hold onto.
00:50:47 I mean, I'm never going to attract
00:50:51 I don'twant to get in an argument.
00:50:53 Honey, I met a young man
00:50:56 - Mom!
00:50:57 He is talented, handsome, sweet,
00:51:00 and he has the proper reverence
00:51:03 What are you talking about?
00:51:05 Face it, Melody, Boris is
00:51:07 He's more of an outpatient
00:51:10 I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.
00:51:12 - His name is Randy Lee James.
00:51:16 This delightful young actor. He
00:51:19 - He did. He did.
00:51:22 I refuse to recognize it. What are
00:51:25 who has to sleep with the light
00:51:29 He jumped out the window
00:51:32 Well, you can'twin
00:51:34 I have a good lawyer who
00:51:37 - All of it. Yes. Yes.
00:51:40 Oh, hello.
00:51:42 Happy birthday, dear
00:51:48 Happy birthday to you
00:51:52 Happy birthday, dear Boris
00:51:55 Happy birthday to you
00:52:02 - Who could be calling at midnight?
00:52:06 - To steal what? Your Flomax?
00:52:11 Oh, hi.
00:52:13 Yeah, just a second.
00:52:16 - It's for me?
00:52:18 Don't give away any
00:52:20 Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.
00:52:22 - It's Leo Brockman.
00:52:24 Really?
00:52:27 Well, that sounds wonderful.
00:52:31 Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah.
00:52:35 3:00? Well, 3:00's perfect.
00:52:39 Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.
00:52:42 "See you, darling"? "See you,
00:52:47 Good night, y'all.
00:52:49 I'm going to say my prayers.
00:52:54 Thatwas so wonderful! I never in my
00:52:58 - Did you like it?
00:53:00 I've never seen a movie
00:53:03 John, my husband, took me to see
00:53:08 How do you say this? "Chateau" what?
00:53:10 Meyney.
00:53:11 - The what?
00:53:13 - Meyney?
00:53:15 - It is so delicious.
00:53:21 What do you do? What do you do, Leo?
00:53:23 I teach philosophy at the
00:53:27 Tell me something. Is
00:53:31 There was a time when he
00:53:33 Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris.
00:53:38 Would you like to see some
00:53:41 Goodness.
00:53:45 - Well, all right.
00:53:48 Look, here they are. Look at these.
00:53:52 Right there, that's
00:53:55 - Wow.
00:53:59 Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's
00:54:03 - Very lovely.
00:54:05 These pictures are kind of interesting.
00:54:06 I know! She'sjust gorgeous!
00:54:08 And she has this...
00:54:10 I mean the photos. Did you take them?
00:54:14 - Yes. Yes.
00:54:17 That's our house. Well,
00:54:22 Yeah. You took all these?
00:54:23 Yes, with my little old Kodak.
00:54:27 These are outstanding. I mean, there's
00:54:31 In these? No.
00:54:33 No, I mean it. I knowwhat
00:54:35 I occasionally write about
00:54:38 Oh, my God. I have
00:54:41 Aside from Melody's career, there is
00:54:44 that gave me more pleasure
00:54:47 Of course, John... Cheers. John
00:54:51 - Why?
00:54:54 he actually was fine, and
00:54:56 and he thought I was, like,
00:55:00 and I guess he had a point, but...
00:55:02 I mean, nowadays, who
00:55:04 It's a little Kodak, and I have
00:55:08 It is so simple to use. It's tiny!
00:55:11 I picked it up at, like, a garage sale
00:55:12 and itjust is so much better
00:55:16 No, they're pretty good. They've got a real
00:55:21 I really think you should talk
00:55:24 He runs a photography gallery.
00:55:25 - Why?
00:55:29 Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all
00:55:32 I have the kids and the towns
00:55:37 The losers are the best. And
00:55:40 the twirlers, the magicians, the fire
00:55:44 They're amazing. They've
00:55:46 I'll talk to Al first
00:55:48 Oh, no. You know, I think
00:55:51 over a little gift the
00:55:54 That's not the only gift He gave you.
00:56:00 You know those clean-cut, churchgoing
00:56:05 and good to their neighbors
00:56:08 and never do a wrong
00:56:12 forwhatever reason,
00:56:14 they grab a rifle, go to a tower
00:56:18 Okay, this is her, but sexually.
00:56:21 She sleptwith Leo Brockman,
00:56:23 never having been to bed with
00:56:26 and suddenly, the genie
00:56:29 She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she
00:56:33 Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's
00:56:38 Brcckman took her photos to
00:56:41 He decided to show them in his gallect.
00:56:43 When he did, evectone thought they
00:56:47 Soon Morgenstern would
00:56:50 First she moved in with Brcckman.
00:56:54 Then she moved in with
00:56:57 She started dabbling with collages.
00:56:59 Small ones at first, but
00:57:04 She started dressing differently.
00:57:06 Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went
00:57:11 She experimented with exotic
00:57:16 The one thing that remained
00:57:21 - Well, there's some pictures over there.
00:57:26 - What do you think, Mom? - I'm not
00:57:29 and I've had this vision in black
00:57:35 body parts, squares.
00:57:37 That sounds confusing.
00:57:39 - Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah.
00:57:53 Excuse me.
00:57:55 Hi, I need a female opinion.
00:57:57 Which ofthese two would a young
00:58:02 I don't know. They're both so beautiful.
00:58:05 It depends. What type is she?
00:58:08 Well, she's quite young
00:58:11 Blonde hair. Blue eyes.
00:58:14 Yeah, butwhat's she like?
00:58:16 Well, okay. She's from the South,
00:58:21 - Really?
00:58:23 And she's a nanny. I mean,
00:58:25 she's actually living with some man.
00:58:26 I mean, they're married, although
00:58:30 And she thinks she loves
00:58:32 she mistakes his pessimistic
00:58:35 believing he's a genius.
00:58:39 I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than
00:58:47 That sounds so familiar.
00:58:50 I just can't... I can't
00:58:53 - It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.
00:58:57 I mean, not exactly, but I can't
00:59:02 - I'd say that one.
00:59:15 Here.
00:59:17 - Here what? For me?
00:59:21 Yes, I thought I'd buy
00:59:24 Oh, no, I can't accept
00:59:27 - Well, why not?
00:59:30 Yes, but it may not last forever.
00:59:33 Well, you know, nothing
00:59:36 Shakespeare or Michelangelo
00:59:40 or Greek people.
00:59:42 I mean, even as we're standing
00:59:45 we're just flying apart
00:59:49 - Gee, I never thought of it thatway.
00:59:53 Should we be holding each
00:59:57 Well, you have to hold onto whatever
01:00:02 Speaking of love,
01:00:04 I've been in love with you ever
01:00:07 and met your mother at the
01:00:14 Oh, you're... You're...
01:00:15 - Did my mother...
01:00:18 Oh, the actor! Of course.
01:00:22 Oh, my mother talks
01:00:24 and she's always telling
01:00:26 and I'm saying, "Why? Why
01:00:28 "But he's so good-looking!"
01:00:30 Thank you. I've moved to
01:00:32 and I live in a houseboat
01:00:35 - You live on a boat?
01:00:38 I'm very romantic by
01:00:40 and I read and think
01:00:43 - Mom?
01:00:46 There's nothing wrong with expanding
01:00:51 You knowwhat? I'm really sorry, but...
01:00:53 I think that my mother badly
01:00:56 because I'm happily married.
01:00:58 No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not,
01:01:03 Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.
01:01:09 I told you you'd get the hang of it.
01:01:11 Okay, you knowwhat?
01:01:13 - Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
01:01:16 - Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.
01:01:20 You know, I'm just doing it for the
01:01:23 I think it's relaxing.
01:01:24 Relaxing? What? Are you
01:01:28 To mingle with all those sub-mentals
01:01:33 Those hostile, belligerent
01:01:36 Of course, to have children, you don't
01:01:41 You need a license to fish. You
01:01:44 You need a license to sell hot dogs.
01:01:46 You know, you read about these
01:01:49 you wonder, why are these
01:01:51 Okay, Boris, Boris.
01:01:53 You know, sometimes I think you're so
01:01:57 just out of spite.
01:01:59 You know, like a child
01:02:01 because he can't have his own way.
01:02:03 Wow! Listen to you!
01:02:05 That's a reasonably wise insight for
01:02:10 Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and
01:02:16 I really don't knowwhat I'd
01:02:20 What are you doing with that?
01:02:23 This? Nothing. I just
01:02:27 - Who needs an antique handkerchief?
01:02:31 Yeah, but God knows throughout
01:02:37 - Marietta? Honey?
01:02:39 I think you should include these
01:02:42 - I love those photos. Al, what
01:02:45 - Oh, you did?
01:02:46 - Sweetheart, you've managed to make...
01:02:47 ...an existential statement about
01:02:49 - sexual perversity and human freedom.
01:02:52 - It's so full of erotic imagination.
01:02:54 - Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!
01:02:56 - Who is it?
01:03:00 Oh, Randy, Randy James.
01:03:02 Hello? Hello? Hey!
01:03:05 Young man, hello, hello!
01:03:07 Listen, she's going to be
01:03:10 You can run into her and try your luck.
01:03:13 You know, she saved the handkerchief you
01:03:17 And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind
01:03:24 - Who was that?
01:03:27 Who'd have ever thought that gumbo
01:03:29 All this and she cooks, too.
01:03:37 Oh, my God! Hello.
01:03:41 So I guess you just happened
01:03:44 Well, I was buying this
01:03:47 You like it?
01:03:49 - It's okay.
01:03:51 I thought it'd make me look dashing.
01:03:53 Looks aren't your problem.
01:03:55 Oh, no? What is?
01:03:56 You're too forward.
01:03:57 - I think about you a lot.
01:04:02 So what's it like being
01:04:06 Who wants to know?
01:04:07 I'm sorry. I don't mean
01:04:11 Just that, well, you know.
01:04:13 It has its pluses and minuses.
01:04:16 Yes? And what are the drawbacks?
01:04:19 I don't know. I mean...
01:04:21 Well, naturally, with
01:04:24 you find a lot ofthings
01:04:27 and, mainly, he just
01:04:29 You know, he says at
01:04:30 they're going to make
01:04:32 Right.
01:04:33 It can just be exhausting being
01:04:37 So what are the pluses of being
01:04:42 - Well, he's smart.
01:04:45 He's clever.
01:04:48 He really means well, you
01:04:53 I guess the good part is
01:04:57 which I never really
01:05:00 Why not?
01:05:02 I guess I thought I'd
01:05:07 You want to see my boat? I mean,
01:05:10 - I don't think that's a good idea.
01:05:15 Don't use that line. Because Boris
01:05:19 And I really doubt it's
01:05:20 for me to be in two dreams at one time.
01:05:29 It's down there, on
01:05:34 Well, this is it. It's not much, but
01:05:40 This is kind of sweet,
01:05:43 It rocksjust the tiniest bit,
01:05:48 Randy, I don't knowwhat
01:05:51 That doesn't mean I can't
01:05:53 You don't really know me.
01:05:55 Yes, but I'm a romantic and I
01:05:58 Well, that's true. You know,
01:06:02 And I adore the way you talk
01:06:07 Where can it lead?
01:06:09 Let's drink to love at first sight.
01:06:12 I can't. When I drink, I get
01:06:15 That's what your mum said. That's why
01:06:19 Don't use that locution.
01:06:21 Sorry.
01:06:25 Is that you in the picture?
01:06:27 Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock
01:06:30 I bet you're a really good actor.
01:06:32 I try. Although I'll never be a genius.
01:06:37 You certainly are handsome
01:06:39 Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.
01:06:48 - Oh, my God.
01:06:51 - Entropy.
01:06:54 Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it.
01:06:56 It's why you can't get the
01:07:00 You mean,
01:07:02 once something happens, it's
01:07:07 I mean, Boris says
01:07:10 I think so, too, but
01:07:13 we're young and we think
01:07:15 and then we grow old
01:07:18 Maybe.
01:07:19 Look, I do agree there's not much you
01:07:24 Have you ever heard of
01:07:27 I've heard of it, yeah.
01:07:29 You know, the observer
01:07:34 It'sjust like
01:07:36 when my mother makes love to
01:07:38 a certain way when they're alone,
01:07:40 butwhen she's in front ofthe
01:07:45 Is that Heisenberg?
01:07:47 I had no idea he was so sexual.
01:07:56 Wait. I always carry
01:08:00 That's all right. I
01:08:21 I really like the way these pants fit.
01:08:27 Hey, are you okay? You
01:08:32 Yeah.
01:08:34 We're going to be late
01:08:36 I hope you're not coming
01:08:38 You know, Brodsky's
01:08:41 Can you still get the measles?
01:08:45 but how long does it last?
01:08:50 Who's that?
01:08:51 I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.
01:08:58 - Melody!
01:08:59 Oh, my little girl, I found you!
01:09:02 Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and
01:09:05 I used every connection
01:09:08 We even called the FBI! But you're okay.
01:09:10 Things are going to be fine
01:09:12 What ordeal?
01:09:14 You were abducted! Tell
01:09:16 You were chloroformed
01:09:19 They took you offto be someone's bride!
01:09:20 I was not abducted. Didn't
01:09:23 Yeah, but I assumed you were
01:09:26 - Who's this?
01:09:28 - This is Boris, my husband.
01:09:30 He's my husband. I'm
01:09:33 - Who are you?
01:09:35 You want to pass out here
01:09:37 Where's your mother?
01:09:38 What do you care? You
01:09:40 dumped her for Mandy
01:09:42 I made a terrible mistake, I
01:09:45 I've come to beg your
01:09:47 - You mightwant to rethink that, Daddy.
01:09:49 I see death by culture shock.
01:09:51 You can tell me, Melody, she
01:09:54 And she does, believe me.
01:09:55 I can handle the
01:09:57 Well, itwas a pretty awful thing
01:10:00 - Then she hates me? - Yes, yes,
01:10:03 I hate you and I just met you!
01:10:05 Lord, you tell me this
01:10:07 - No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.
01:10:11 Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine.
01:10:14 like a sewing machine, up and
01:10:18 toward what end? Making more children?
01:10:19 What the hell are you talking about?
01:10:21 Reproducing the species over
01:10:24 Carrying outwhat moronic design?
01:10:26 - What happened to Mandy?
01:10:28 Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.
01:10:31 Why do all the religious psychotics wind
01:10:35 Lord, in Your infinite
01:10:38 - You want to tell him, or should I?
01:10:42 Daddy, there's nobody out there!
01:10:46 Honest. You're praying to no one.
01:10:49 You're wasting your breath, just like
01:10:53 What? You're telling
01:10:55 - Notjust a man.
01:10:57 Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you
01:11:01 Oh, Lord. What's he like?
01:11:04 He's got four arms and two noses.
01:11:06 You better butt out, stranger!
01:11:08 Melody will tell you I don't need my
01:11:11 Now, I want to see Marietta!
01:11:36 Now, Dad, try and remember,
01:11:40 A year is not forever. How
01:11:43 And with that, they entered the gallery.
01:11:58 I had more people than
01:12:00 Everybody said, "I'll be naked with
01:12:06 Oh, my God.
01:12:09 Marietta?
01:12:10 John Celestine! Look
01:12:15 - Marietta, what happened to you?
01:12:16 Well, darling, it's you that absconded.
01:12:18 - He showed up at the door today.
01:12:20 Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore
01:12:22 - who called herself my best friend.
01:12:24 I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.
01:12:25 It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a
01:12:29 Well, honey, I'm in the
01:12:31 Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's
01:12:34 - Exhibition ofwhat?
01:12:37 What? She's thinking of
01:12:40 I got news foryou,
01:12:42 Marietta, who are you?
01:12:44 John, you never understood me, honey.
01:12:46 Your vision never extended
01:12:49 You always had your gun clubs and
01:12:51 You never took a little
01:12:54 And you were always too
01:12:56 and coaching her speeches and
01:12:58 Yes, yes, that's true. I was
01:13:02 and forcing them on our daughter.
01:13:03 - You were what?
01:13:05 Sublimating.
01:13:06 Honey, why don't you go
01:13:09 Her pygmy mentality is
01:13:11 - Much closer.
01:13:14 - Oh, why not?
01:13:17 What are we talking? Size?
01:13:20 Would you mind your own business?
01:13:22 Marietta, how could you forsake your own
01:13:27 I'm a differentwoman, John.
01:13:30 I can't believe what
01:13:32 Your clothes are different, your
01:13:35 but deep down, I knowyou're the same
01:13:37 pretty, small-town, God-fearing,
01:13:41 I'm living with two guys.
01:13:42 ...Girl Scout mom. You're what?
01:13:44 I'm an artist. I don't bake
01:13:48 I do collages, sculpture, photography.
01:13:52 I live in Manhattan
01:13:55 in a very happy ménage à trois.
01:13:59 - A what?
01:14:01 A ménage à trois.
01:14:04 I knewwe should never
01:14:07 It's amazing, Melody.
01:14:09 Thousands ofyears ago, ancient
01:14:14 were walking home, just like us,
01:14:17 discussing where should they
01:14:20 "Hey, we just bought a great
01:14:23 "overlooking the
01:14:25 - Boris...
01:14:28 - "peacock tongues are bad foryour heart. "
01:14:31 Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid
01:14:36 What the hell does it
01:14:39 But they thought itwas important.
01:14:40 Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?
01:14:42 And I was raised in a religious home.
01:14:45 Job's wife was my favorite character
01:14:49 rather than obsequious acceptance,
01:14:57 Boris, Boris, can we
01:15:00 Well, butwe have to go home.
01:15:01 I know, but come here.
01:15:03 Butwe always go home now.
01:15:05 I know. I know. I knowwe
01:15:08 I need to have my drink, and a shower.
01:15:11 And, you know, you see it as routine,
01:15:13 but for me the consistency helps
01:15:16 I knowyou require a certain ritual.
01:15:19 And then after the shower, our
01:15:22 I got indigestion from it last
01:15:26 Boris, I met someone
01:15:29 And then some Beethoven, maybe some
01:15:35 You met someone else?
01:15:37 I'm not saying I don't have
01:15:45 You met someone else?
01:15:48 Yes.
01:15:50 And you want us to live in a
01:15:54 Boris, when you found
01:15:59 You're still very young.
01:16:00 Yes, but I've grown.
01:16:03 I've grown so much. And
01:16:08 Yes, it's true. I have been very
01:16:14 You can always count on me for anything.
01:16:19 I just...
01:16:21 I guess I'm at a very
01:16:26 I can't think of a way to say this well.
01:16:31 - You don't have to say itwell.
01:16:34 I completely understand. I do.
01:16:37 This does not run counter
01:16:40 love relationships are
01:16:46 I don't really think
01:16:50 Really? You have your own ideas?
01:16:55 Just a couple. You know,
01:16:59 As cruel as life is, I miss
01:17:04 And I even miss people, even
01:17:09 because I don't really think they're
01:17:15 I think you're making
01:17:18 - Boris...
01:17:23 I'm a profound and sensitive
01:17:27 of the human condition.
01:17:30 Itwas inevitable you would
01:17:32 eventually grow tired of
01:17:37 Greatness isn't easy to live with,
01:17:44 You're upset. I don't expect
01:17:51 Believe me,
01:17:54 if I can understand quantum mechanics,
01:17:57 I can certainly comprehend
01:18:01 of a sub-mental baton twirler.
01:18:04 - Boris...
01:18:09 I knew this day would
01:18:13 The universe is winding
01:18:21 Again!
01:18:23 I'll have another, too.
01:18:28 She left me. Can you believe it?
01:18:31 What am I talking about?
01:18:35 Now, no matterwhich way she
01:18:40 My wife left me, too.
01:18:43 I'm sure she was beautiful,
01:18:47 Norman?
01:18:50 Norman was gorgeous.
01:18:54 He was the greatest runway
01:18:58 I thought you said yourwife.
01:19:01 We were married in Holland.
01:19:06 You married a guy?
01:19:08 What else?
01:19:10 But thatwould make you...
01:19:12 What? A widow? Norman didn't die.
01:19:17 Not a widow, a...
01:19:21 - Gay?
01:19:25 Ofwhat?
01:19:27 The homosexual persuasion.
01:19:29 My God.
01:19:32 You make it sound like a religion.
01:19:34 Yes. If it's a religion, you
01:19:39 But that's a sin against God's law.
01:19:43 God is gay.
01:19:45 He can't be. He made the
01:19:48 The oceans, the skies, the beautiful
01:19:53 That's right. He's a decorator.
01:19:55 Butwhat do you miss about
01:19:59 Everything.
01:20:01 His face.
01:20:03 His kindness, his sense of humor.
01:20:06 Our mutual passion.
01:20:09 The way we'd dance and he'd
01:20:13 Jesus.
01:20:15 Why did he leave you?
01:20:18 He wants to live in Paris, and
01:20:24 Is your mother a woman?
01:20:28 She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.
01:20:31 What's the difference? They all
01:20:35 whether they're male or female.
01:20:38 Why did yours leave you?
01:20:41 I left her for her best
01:20:46 Why not?
01:20:49 Can I be perfectly frank with you?
01:20:52 I don't shock easily.
01:20:55 I couldn't make love to her.
01:20:58 Why not?
01:21:00 Itwas fine at first, but then I lost
01:21:05 Which is funny, because
01:21:07 I really didn't have a lot of
01:21:10 That happens with you heteros.
01:21:18 Christ, if I'm going to be honest,
01:21:20 you know, I never, ever really had
01:21:26 Why'd you marry her?
01:21:30 Itwas the thing to do. Everybody where I
01:21:37 Can I really level with you?
01:21:40 Of course.
01:21:42 John. John Celestine.
01:21:43 Of course, John. I'm Howard
01:21:50 I married Marietta,
01:21:54 Ofwhat?
01:21:55 The way I felt towards the
01:21:59 No.
01:22:01 Every time he got in the line
01:22:05 Bartender, another round
01:22:53 Can you believe I blew it twice?
01:22:56 I jumped out the window and
01:22:59 She got hurt. I got off scot-free.
01:23:03 Don't you realize the consequences
01:23:08 - Oh, come on. Seriously.
01:23:11 Think, think ifyou didn't
01:23:14 would suddenly change in
01:23:16 Oh, my God. You knowwhat?
01:23:17 You sound like that movie they ram
01:23:21 - What?
01:23:23 had saved Jimmy Stewart,
01:23:24 and Jimmy Stewartwas the
01:23:27 and he lived and caused a
01:23:32 How about that? Everybody's
01:23:36 Even if it's Christmas?
01:23:38 You must have a very dim
01:23:41 Oh, the human race. They've had to install
01:23:46 because people can't be
01:23:49 Come on, flushing a toilet!
01:23:54 Visiting time is over.
01:23:55 - What? You're kicking me out?
01:23:58 - Seriously?
01:24:02 All right, listen. Honestly,
01:24:08 and is there anything I can
01:24:11 Can I get you something? What can I do?
01:24:15 If I can everwalk again,
01:24:18 What do you do, Helena?
01:24:20 Me? I'm a psychic.
01:24:24 I'm sorry. Really?
01:24:27 I was born with a very rare
01:24:31 Ifyou can see into the future,
01:24:33 I was gonnajump out a
01:24:37 Maybe I did.
01:24:53 Happy newyear to you.
01:25:00 We're so excited. Howard
01:25:03 butwe're going to open up
01:25:05 Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have a
01:25:09 Can you believe this cracker?
01:25:12 This mindless zombie of the
01:25:15 My shrink says that the guns were all
01:25:19 Yeah, if itweren't for sexual inadequacy,
01:25:24 He's moved in with Howard
01:25:27 And not only is he sleeping with a
01:25:31 More important, for the first
01:25:36 I should have known why I was failing you,
01:25:40 Which turned out to
01:25:43 Mine, too, but notwith the sex
01:25:47 You're like a changed man, John.
01:25:51 If only it had been thatway.
01:25:53 I couldn'twhen I was making love to
01:25:57 you should pardon the metaphor.
01:25:59 Well, I just hope you two lucked out
01:26:03 I know I lucked out.
01:26:05 What about you, Boris?
01:26:07 As you would say in the crude
01:26:11 I totally lucked out.
01:26:14 Itjust shows what meaningless
01:26:19 Everybody schemes and dreams
01:26:23 and I jump out a window and
01:26:28 I mean, come on, talk
01:26:31 not to mention I've developed
01:26:34 I have a question, am I
01:26:38 Yes. Don'tworry. I'll explain it to you.
01:26:41 Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on!
01:26:44 Come on!
01:26:45 Ten,
01:26:46 nine,
01:26:48 eight, seven,
01:26:50 six, five,
01:26:53 four, three,
01:26:55 two, one!
01:26:57 Happy newyear!
01:27:15 I happen to hate NewYear's celebrations.
01:27:18 Everybody desperate to have fun.
01:27:20 Trying to celebrate in
01:27:23 Celebrate what? A step
01:27:28 That's why I can't say enough times,
01:27:33 whatever happiness you
01:27:37 every temporary measure
01:27:42 And don't kid yourself, it's by no
01:27:47 A bigger part ofyour existence
01:27:51 Christ, you know the odds
01:27:54 from the billions, finding
01:27:59 Don't think about it,
01:28:01 Boris, what are you
01:28:03 What? There's people
01:28:05 - They're out there?
01:28:08 - Please, Boris...
01:28:10 Well, there was when we started.
01:28:13 Does anybody see anybody out there?
01:28:15 - Out there? No!
01:28:18 - Boris!
01:28:20 See? I'm the only one who
01:28:24 That's what they mean by genius.
01:28:28 Come on. Happy newyear, Boris.