Zombieland

en
00:00:27 Oh, America.
00:00:29 I wish I could tell you
00:00:32 ...but I've come to realize that you
00:00:37 And there are no people here.
00:00:46 No! No!
00:00:51 Go back... Fuck!
00:00:57 No, my friends.
00:00:58 This is now
00:01:05 It's amazing how quickly things
00:01:10 And why am I alive when everyone
00:01:14 It's because of my list of rules.
00:01:17 Rule number one
00:01:22 Fuck!
00:01:23 When the virus struck,
00:01:26 ...the first ones to go
00:01:33 Poor fat bastard.
00:01:37 But as the infection spread
00:01:39 ...it wasn't enough
00:01:43 You had to get a gun
00:01:46 Which leads me to my second rule:
00:01:51 In those moments when you're not sure
00:01:55 ...don't get all stingy
00:01:57 I mean, one more clean shot
00:02:02 ...and this lady could have avoided
00:02:06 Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
00:02:09 Wasn't long before the zombies
00:02:12 When you're at your most vulnerable,
00:02:15 Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?
00:02:25 Don't let them catch you pants down.
00:02:31 As zombies
00:02:34 ...well, that's when you had to cut
00:02:37 If the girls in your neighborhood
00:02:43 ...well, maybe it's time
00:02:50 You had to focus
00:02:53 ...which leads to rule number four.
00:03:04 Fasten your seat belts.
00:04:54 That guy down there is me.
00:04:58 And it may look like zombies destroyed
00:05:02 Two months since patient zero
00:05:05 ...at a Gas N' Gulp.
00:05:07 Just two months, and I might be the
00:05:11 I may seem like
00:05:13 ...with all my phobias
00:05:17 ...but I had the advantage of never
00:05:21 I survive because I play it safe
00:05:25 My rules.
00:05:56 Shit.
00:06:10 Of course.
00:06:40 Motherfucker.
00:07:06 On the bright side, I had found
00:07:15 Another rule to surviving
00:07:19 And I don't mean just luggage.
00:07:21 I've always been kind of a loner.
00:07:23 I avoided people
00:07:25 ...even before they were zombies.
00:07:27 Now that they are all zombies,
00:07:31 So I'm on my way from
00:07:34 ...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm
00:07:38 Even though we were never
00:07:40 ...it would be nice to see
00:07:43 ...that doesn't have blood dripping from
00:09:16 Thank you.
00:09:24 - What are you looking for?
00:09:28 No one back there but my duffel bag.
00:09:34 - What's your name?
00:09:37 Keeps us from getting too familiar.
00:09:41 You almost knocked over your alcohol
00:09:45 - That's okay, you don't have to...
00:09:50 Columbus. You?
00:09:53 Tallahassee.
00:09:59 No, one for me. One and done,
00:10:04 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus
00:10:09 So?
00:10:11 So, Tallahassee,
00:10:14 - Least for a while?
00:10:18 I'm not easy to get along with...
00:10:20 ...and I'm sensing
00:10:24 ...so I give this relationship
00:10:27 Really? Yeah.
00:10:31 You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
00:10:34 You might wanna buckle up
00:10:37 I can tell already
00:10:42 Even though teaming up
00:10:44 ...I figured I'd be safer
00:10:46 You see, he was in
00:10:49 Business is good.
00:10:52 It became quickly apparent, however,
00:10:57 What are we doing here?
00:10:58 Well, take a look.
00:11:01 Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck.
00:11:04 I could use a Twinkie.
00:11:12 - You coming?
00:11:20 - Are you fucking with me?
00:11:24 You should actually limber up
00:11:26 Especially if we are going down
00:11:28 It is very important.
00:11:30 I don't believe in it.
00:11:32 You ever see a lion limber up
00:12:00 - Sno Balls?
00:12:02 Sno Balls?
00:12:05 Where's the fucking Twinkies?
00:12:08 I like Sno Balls.
00:12:10 I hate coconut.
00:12:14 Fresh.
00:12:18 Oh, this Twinkie thing,
00:12:23 Hey, this may be a bad time...
00:12:27 ...but I gotta take the Browns
00:12:29 - Really?
00:12:38 I know, again, so soon?
00:12:41 I have a case of chronic anxiety.
00:12:47 Truth is, I was always kind of phobic.
00:12:52 Like undertow
00:12:56 Being alone with a baby.
00:13:00 But the thing I fear more than anything,
00:13:05 ...fucking clowns.
00:13:10 When you're afraid of everything
00:13:12 ...you quit going out there...
00:13:15 ...which is what happened to me
00:13:18 Friday night,
00:13:21 "World of Warcraft"...
00:13:23 ...leaning tower of pizza boxes...
00:13:26 ...Code Red Mountain Dew.
00:13:28 Pride, nowhere.
00:13:30 Dignity, long gone.
00:13:32 Virginity, totally justifiable
00:13:35 Smooth.
00:13:37 My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
00:13:40 ...and fall in love, bring her home
00:13:43 Then again, since my folks
00:13:46 ...maybe this girl could
00:13:49 And then I'd finally be a member
00:13:54 408.
00:13:56 Please, is anyone home?
00:13:59 I don't usually unlock my door
00:14:02 ...but my neighbor 406
00:14:04 Okay, okay.
00:14:10 Thank you, thank you,
00:14:14 Nice to meet you.
00:14:20 Here.
00:14:22 There you go.
00:14:29 - Mountain Dew?
00:14:31 And here's some Golden Grahams.
00:14:36 Okay. Keep that there.
00:14:39 So tell me what happened.
00:14:42 He was homeless and sick.
00:14:47 And I was walking home from the bar,
00:14:50 ...and then he just came sprinting
00:14:54 I mean, not running, sprinting.
00:14:58 And I thought, you know, like, maybe
00:15:01 ...or after someone, but last time I saw
00:15:07 Drugs, maybe?
00:15:10 I didn't even tell you the worst part.
00:15:14 Yeah?
00:15:16 He tried to bite me.
00:15:20 - You're right, that's the worst part.
00:15:25 No, no, no, you should be scared.
00:15:30 That's the right kind of scared.
00:15:32 I get scared for things that don't make
00:15:36 ...or the rags they use to wipe tables
00:15:41 Really?
00:15:43 Look, the point is
00:15:47 And as long as you are by my side,
00:15:50 Do you mind if I just close my eyes
00:15:53 No, of course. Of course.
00:15:55 - Thank you.
00:15:59 Set aside the feverish,
00:16:01 ...l'm living the dream.
00:16:03 I had always, my whole life...
00:16:05 ...wanted to brush a girl's hair
00:16:10 - Good night.
00:16:27 Oh, my God.
00:16:29 Are you okay?
00:16:36 Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.
00:16:39 What are you doing?
00:16:47 Look, stay back, 406, okay?
00:16:51 Shit.
00:17:04 Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry.
00:17:45 You see, you just can't trust anyone.
00:17:47 The first time I let a girl into my life
00:18:05 Please. Listen to me.
00:18:09 406.
00:18:11 If you're in there...
00:18:14 ...you're just sick. Okay?
00:18:33 That was my first brush
00:18:37 Remember mad cow disease?
00:18:39 Well, mad cow became mad person
00:18:42 It's a fast-acting virus that left you
00:18:46 ...that made you hateful, violent...
00:18:49 ...and gave you a really, really bad
00:18:52 All right, you steer, I'll push.
00:18:55 Okay.
00:19:02 I've heard there's a place
00:19:05 - Back east, yeah?
00:19:08 Out west, we hear it's back east.
00:19:12 It's all just nonsense.
00:19:15 You know, you're like a penguin
00:19:18 ...who hears the South Pole
00:19:21 There are no penguins
00:19:25 You wanna feel how hard
00:19:30 So, what do you think?
00:19:31 Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?
00:19:34 Last time you went 20 toes,
00:19:37 Who's Percy?
00:19:39 Wallpapered the closet,
00:19:41 - Went heels to Jesus.
00:19:44 Well, just sex.
00:19:50 Three weeks ago. Yeah.
00:19:51 In the back
00:19:53 - Shut up.
00:19:58 She, west.
00:20:00 And we took shelter
00:20:02 - It was full of undelivered packages.
00:20:06 Beverly.
00:20:08 Beverly Hills.
00:20:09 You dog.
00:20:13 So, what about you?
00:20:15 Me? I...
00:20:19 Aye, aye, aye.
00:20:24 Oh, my God. It makes you sick.
00:20:27 You know, it makes you sad,
00:20:30 It makes you think if you can go back
00:20:34 ...you know, you'd be...
00:20:35 You'd be out in the backyard,
00:20:40 And instead this.
00:20:44 - I mean, it makes you...
00:20:47 I'm worried about you.
00:20:49 Look, whatever you have
00:20:52 ...I promise you it ain't prettier than
00:21:04 Tallahassee had a sick sense
00:21:08 Zombies aren't the most lovable
00:21:11 The only thing he was more
00:21:14 ...was finding a Twinkie.
00:21:16 Something about a Twinkie reminded
00:21:19 ...when things were simple
00:21:23 It was like if he got a taste
00:21:27 ...the world would become innocent,
00:21:31 What, are you prospecting?
00:21:33 Jesus Christ.
00:21:35 You are a dangerous man.
00:21:38 You're gonna risk our lives
00:21:41 There is a box of Twinkies
00:21:44 Not just any box of Twinkies.
00:21:46 The last box of Twinkies that anyone
00:21:52 Believe it or not,
00:21:56 Someday very soon, life's little
00:22:02 Time to nut up or shut up.
00:22:08 When Tallahassee
00:22:10 ...he sets the standard
00:22:13 No fear, nothing to lose.
00:22:15 What can I say? It's like...
00:22:37 You got a pretty mouth.
00:22:49 Don't swing, don't swing.
00:22:51 Swing.
00:22:58 - Thank you.
00:23:01 Yeah.
00:23:03 You're incredible.
00:23:05 - I know.
00:23:06 Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.
00:23:11 Big Hoss.
00:23:19 Come here, big fella.
00:23:29 Wow, these fellas
00:23:32 And they're so fat.
00:23:34 I think we should probably
00:23:40 All I could think of was,
00:23:43 Another marriageable woman
00:23:47 Come quick.
00:23:49 Someone's ear is in danger
00:23:55 Hey.
00:23:57 I'll catch up.
00:24:01 Rule number 22:
00:24:14 They're sisters.
00:24:17 Act normal. Try not to freak her out.
00:24:19 Yeah.
00:24:22 Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.
00:24:27 So you did all this for a Twinkie?
00:24:30 No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of
00:24:37 Look, I don't think she has long.
00:24:39 Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.
00:24:45 No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl.
00:24:48 Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
00:24:50 Right, sorry.
00:24:53 Look, I know that you're really sick.
00:24:58 But your sister wants me to...
00:25:00 It's not her decision, okay? It's mine.
00:25:03 I made her promise.
00:25:07 We already said goodbye,
00:25:10 - We don't know that there's no cure.
00:25:14 Give him the gun.
00:25:32 Wait, wait, wait.
00:25:38 I'll do it.
00:25:57 - I love you.
00:26:10 You need some help?
00:26:12 Now that you mention it...
00:26:14 ...we'll take your weapons,
00:26:17 - And if you've got it, sugarless gum.
00:26:22 Wait, why are you guys doing this?
00:26:24 Better you make the mistake
00:26:27 ...than us make the mistake
00:26:32 The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows
00:26:35 ...steals my double-barrel and then
00:26:44 Nice going, genius.
00:26:45 You're the one that gave her the gun.
00:26:48 Those guys were dumb.
00:26:52 Avoid the vanity mirror.
00:26:54 Relax, okay?
00:26:59 - What I'd give for a shower...
00:27:03 Let's just get where we're going.
00:27:06 - So do you think it's true?
00:27:09 You know, about Pacific Playland?
00:27:11 Totally zombie-free.
00:27:16 Trust me.
00:27:21 He's on one of these serious
00:27:23 You know, with, like,
00:27:26 - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's
00:27:31 You know, with the hair in the chain
00:27:35 Very cool.
00:27:37 But zombie kill of the week?
00:27:42 I saw this construction worker.
00:27:46 ...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie
00:27:50 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up
00:27:52 - I always roll it up from the bottom.
00:27:57 Are you one of these guys that tries
00:28:00 No. I knew a guy way worse
00:28:05 All right, let's just try to find a car.
00:28:07 Which reminds me...
00:28:08 ...I never had headaches like this
00:28:11 I mean, do what you want with a man,
00:28:16 Hey, there's a nice minivan.
00:28:17 Oh, you know something?
00:28:20 That's a beautiful van.
00:28:24 Tallahassee believes you have to
00:28:27 ...or else you lose what's left
00:28:30 If it makes him happy and keeps him
00:28:33 ...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit."
00:28:36 I want my Caddy back!
00:28:39 Stupid little bitches!
00:28:48 Oh, I think I pulled something.
00:28:53 Think the two of us are smart enough
00:29:00 You hesitated.
00:29:04 Is it better to be smart or lucky?
00:29:09 Look at what we got here.
00:29:34 Come on.
00:29:40 - That's nice.
00:29:47 Yes.
00:29:53 Thank God for rednecks.
00:29:56 This is a really big truck...
00:29:59 ...and these are really big guns.
00:30:04 Take your time.
00:30:29 You know, they say,
00:30:31 ...should remember
00:30:33 Right. Two graves. One for
00:30:37 You are scary happy.
00:30:42 Come on, why don't we just forget
00:30:45 Oh, you want to talk about home?
00:30:48 For me, home was a puppy
00:30:54 Cutest dog ever.
00:31:03 All those fucking zombies.
00:31:06 I lost him.
00:31:08 And there ain't no getting him back,
00:31:14 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping
00:31:19 ...or swinging from the chandeliers
00:31:23 ...but today,
00:31:27 ...a box full of hollow points,
00:31:33 Gotta enjoy the little things.
00:31:37 I hate to give credit to anyone
00:31:40 ...but I'm writing it down.
00:31:42 Rule number 32:
00:31:53 Knowing them, it's a trap.
00:31:55 Wait here. Drive down if I signal.
00:31:59 You're not gonna shoot them,
00:32:01 Not unless they shoot at me.
00:32:04 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.
00:32:57 Looks like they hoofed it.
00:33:00 Probably headed west.
00:33:02 Just drive slow,
00:33:04 Sure.
00:33:10 - They're in the back, aren't they?
00:33:14 I'm really sorry.
00:33:17 You got taken hostage
00:33:20 Girls mature faster than boys. She's
00:33:24 Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please.
00:33:27 Like you would ever use that thing.
00:33:30 Don't kill me with my own gun!
00:33:33 All those violent video games.
00:33:35 - Yeah.
00:33:37 - Now honk your horn.
00:33:39 Honk it.
00:33:45 It's your sister, with my gun. Hello.
00:33:52 Bummer.
00:33:55 Now step away from the vehicle.
00:33:59 You get to ride shotgun.
00:34:09 I kind of like this girl.
00:34:11 She's not your typical hot,
00:34:15 Even before Zombieland, Wichita was
00:34:34 - What are you looking for?
00:34:38 I took it off to pump my gas,
00:34:42 ...but it must've fallen out,
00:34:45 Well, listen, I'll find your ring,
00:34:50 I'll give you a reward.
00:34:52 Don't be silly.
00:34:53 Three thousand dollars.
00:34:58 Just give me your number.
00:35:01 Yeah. I'll find it.
00:35:03 Yeah, I'll start looking for it
00:35:05 Because I got nothing else to do.
00:35:08 I was engaged once...
00:35:10 ...but I'm single now.
00:35:15 Bye-bye.
00:35:19 Hope you make your flight.
00:35:27 No, but I know it's
00:35:29 She's on a plane,
00:35:35 Let me call you back.
00:35:37 Hey, you found my ring.
00:35:40 Thanks. I've been looking all over
00:35:43 - Your ring?
00:35:45 - I'm gonna send it to her.
00:35:48 Forty, 60, 80, 400.
00:35:53 That's it. That's the whole register.
00:35:58 You made someone very happy.
00:36:02 You too.
00:36:10 Nice.
00:36:12 How many left?
00:36:15 Let me see.
00:36:19 Enough for us to get to California.
00:36:22 Someday, I want a ring this big.
00:36:24 For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.
00:36:29 It's amazing how far you can get
00:36:32 ...and a cutthroat attitude.
00:36:34 I guess we're just lucky they didn't
00:36:39 Thank you, Wichita.
00:36:47 For fuck's sake, enough! We're being
00:36:50 We don't have enough problems?
00:36:52 "They stole my Hummer.
00:36:55 We can't just fucking drive
00:36:57 ...playing I Spy or some shit for hours
00:37:01 Fuck me!
00:37:04 I know.
00:37:07 Let me be the mature one.
00:37:10 Good.
00:37:22 So where are you guys headed?
00:37:25 Pacific Playland.
00:37:28 The amusement park?
00:37:29 - Wait, outside L.A.?
00:37:33 That place totally blows.
00:37:37 My mind. It's so fun.
00:37:40 Just good entertainment
00:37:43 Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact,
00:37:47 Well, did you guys hear?
00:37:50 Yeah, we heard.
00:37:51 You know, I may not shoot you, but
00:37:56 ...and I'm not going to play with you
00:38:02 - Don't worry, he grows on you.
00:38:05 No. It gets worse.
00:38:06 Okay. How about
00:38:09 Yeah? Starting now.
00:38:13 Oh, I've actually
00:38:15 Did you hear anything
00:38:18 - You never played the quiet game?
00:38:20 No? Well, they're playing it
00:38:22 It's a total ghost town.
00:38:34 You're Columbus.
00:38:37 I'm sorry.
00:38:39 I didn't realize it was...
00:38:42 I'm not sure what's more tragic:
00:38:45 ...or the realization that I never really
00:38:49 Either way, I can't pretend that what
00:38:54 I have no home.
00:38:58 We can get you a ride.
00:39:03 You know,
00:39:06 ...or settle somewhere new.
00:39:09 Okay.
00:39:12 I could tell she knew
00:39:15 We were all orphans in Zombieland.
00:39:31 I know this Pacific Playland thing
00:39:36 ...but it's just been so long
00:39:40 Yeah, it's tough growing up
00:39:43 It's tough growing up.
00:39:51 There.
00:39:52 You could take that truck.
00:39:59 Well, I hope you find
00:40:06 And don't let go, once you do.
00:40:22 It wasn't just because
00:40:25 It was because, in that moment,
00:40:29 Wherever this girl was,
00:40:52 Man, we're gonna have to pull
00:40:58 "Wantum your wampum."
00:41:00 - Okay, but what the hell are we doing?
00:41:16 Hold up.
00:41:19 Who wants to go first?
00:41:21 I really,
00:41:25 ...but it would be in violation
00:41:27 ...maybe the most important rule
00:41:31 - Why don't you take this one?
00:41:49 What do you think?
00:41:53 Close, but no cigar.
00:41:55 ...goes to
00:42:03 Poor flat bastard.
00:42:27 - Perfume?
00:42:29 Is that perfume?
00:42:32 It's cologne.
00:42:33 I'm thinking...
00:42:36 ...Lancôme Magnifique.
00:42:37 Why don't you speak up a little?
00:42:39 I think they might have
00:42:44 - Oh, my God.
00:42:48 You're thinking about
00:42:52 Wish granted. She spent
00:42:57 Hey.
00:43:00 Good luck now, Petunia.
00:43:08 Okay.
00:43:10 Let me begin by saying you're a
00:43:14 It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale
00:43:20 - I'm sure.
00:43:25 Thank you.
00:43:28 Yeah. Come on, break another one.
00:43:35 Nice.
00:43:40 Doesn't that feel good?
00:44:31 Tallahassee's right.
00:44:35 ...even if that means destroying
00:44:41 Smells like perfume.
00:44:46 - You don't know who Willie Nelson is?
00:44:50 Willie Nelson?
00:44:52 Yeah, no, I don't.
00:44:54 I shave every morning, but sometimes
00:44:59 It's called 5:00 shadow,
00:45:02 Since it's a freeway, you can get it up
00:45:06 - You don't wanna go more than 20.
00:45:10 Blind spots are for other drivers.
00:45:12 It's like the first time
00:45:15 So do you never strap in
00:45:19 It's just there's zombies everywhere.
00:45:24 - Yeah, that's true.
00:45:26 Yes, but, no, she's not.
00:45:28 She's only famous when she's Hannah
00:45:31 - Right. Only wig.
00:45:38 It's kind of freeing.
00:45:40 Yeah.
00:45:44 For the first time in a long time,
00:45:48 So even though it ran counter
00:45:50 ...we decided to stay together
00:46:22 I think sleep deprivation is the
00:46:26 Well, now I think it might be
00:46:29 - Number two.
00:46:32 - I think we should find a place to crash.
00:46:35 We're in Hollywood,
00:46:44 Grab a map.
00:46:52 Come on.
00:46:54 Hurry! Hurry!
00:46:56 Good job.
00:47:03 Looks like anyone who's ever been
00:47:07 What exactly you think we're doing
00:47:10 I pictured Tom Cruise
00:47:13 B-lister compared
00:47:17 We're going to the tippy-top
00:47:20 - Who?
00:47:29 Hey. There's a big BM.
00:47:31 And it ain't Bob Marley.
00:47:40 This place is incredible.
00:47:53 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:47:59 - Bill Murray.
00:48:02 This guy has a direct line
00:48:06 - Everything...
00:48:08 Hey, I've never hit a kid before.
00:48:11 All right? I mean,
00:48:14 Who's Gandhi?
00:48:16 She's 12.
00:48:21 - No Twinkies.
00:48:24 See? I told you we should've gone
00:48:26 - No one listens to me.
00:48:29 At least until we know we're alone.
00:48:31 Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way.
00:48:34 Why do I get stuck with her?
00:48:40 It doesn't seem to end.
00:48:48 Hey, come here.
00:48:51 He has his own movie theater?
00:48:57 Okay, I'm gonna teach you
00:49:02 A king slept right here.
00:49:05 Dibs on the bed.
00:49:10 Too soft for me, anyway.
00:49:20 Oh, this is so exciting. You're about
00:49:23 It's Ghostbusters.
00:49:43 This is pretty catchy.
00:49:46 Come on.
00:49:48 Help me with the boots. Come on.
00:49:50 Help me with the boots.
00:49:52 Okay. I'll get them myself.
00:50:16 Shit.
00:50:23 Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
00:50:31 I'm on fire!
00:50:33 You're not a zombie,
00:50:36 - You're okay?
00:50:39 I'm sorry. I didn't know
00:50:42 Are you...? What's with the get-up?
00:50:45 Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.
00:50:47 Zombies don't mess
00:50:50 Buddy of mine
00:50:52 Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
00:50:55 Suits my lifestyle, you know.
00:50:59 Just played nine holes on the Riviera.
00:51:03 Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!
00:51:08 I had to get that out.
00:51:10 This is so surreal. I mean,
00:51:14 Maybe not lately,
00:51:17 I mean, I swear, you know...
00:51:19 ...l've seen every one of your movies
00:51:22 I even love your dramatic roles
00:51:27 Six people left in the world,
00:51:31 I know that's not your middle name.
00:51:35 Since I could masturbate.
00:51:39 "A former greenskeeper about
00:51:46 Well, that's why we do it.
00:51:50 I love you, Bill. I love you.
00:51:52 I thank you.
00:51:54 Thank you.
00:51:56 You are staring at me.
00:51:58 I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look
00:52:02 I just saw Eddie Van Halen.
00:52:04 - Really?
00:52:05 - Where? How was that?
00:52:08 He's a zombie.
00:52:09 That's a tough break.
00:52:11 So how about
00:52:14 Can I get you something?
00:52:28 Smooth, isn't it?
00:52:31 Oh, hurry.
00:52:34 - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier.
00:52:38 - See you on the other side, Pete.
00:52:42 - Looks like Slimer.
00:52:45 - I don't wanna cross...
00:52:47 Don't cross the streams!
00:52:53 Thirty-five feet long,
00:52:56 That's a big Twinkie.
00:52:58 Your sister is single, right?
00:53:00 There's nothing long distance
00:53:03 - No.
00:53:05 And if she had, like, a type,
00:53:09 ...if you can have a type,
00:53:12 She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.
00:53:14 - Really?
00:53:16 That's cool.
00:53:17 What?
00:53:21 - So Columbus is the scared one?
00:53:26 I'll get him.
00:53:30 Watch this.
00:53:41 No.
00:53:42 No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
00:53:45 I got him.
00:53:51 Is that how you say hello
00:53:55 Oh, my God.
00:53:56 Oh, my God,
00:54:00 - Mr. Murray?
00:54:06 - Bill?
00:54:08 I don't think we're gonna be able
00:54:13 That's still tender.
00:54:15 You think you might pull through?
00:54:20 No.
00:54:22 If it means anything now,
00:54:25 It was just instinctive.
00:54:27 It was my bad.
00:54:29 I was never a very good
00:54:33 So do you have any regrets?
00:54:38 Garfield, maybe.
00:55:05 I'm sorry, he just gets me.
00:55:09 - But it still is sad.
00:55:14 - Okay.
00:55:18 Okay. Okay.
00:55:20 Okay. Shit. Okay.
00:55:32 Sorry. One second.
00:55:37 Okay.
00:55:44 Three, two, one.
00:55:49 - You guys want some Purell?
00:55:51 - Please.
00:55:52 Around the world.
00:55:57 Yes.
00:56:00 - Oh, free parking.
00:56:02 Which is the best thing
00:56:05 No, best thing about Z-land,
00:56:08 You know, "Rob Curtis
00:56:11 - Who cares?
00:56:15 - Epic.
00:56:19 You mean, other than the fact
00:56:22 That's easy. Losing Buck.
00:56:25 That's his puppy.
00:56:27 I'm gonna tell you, I never thought
00:56:31 He was just... The day he was born,
00:56:38 Sorry.
00:56:40 We were two peas.
00:56:43 He had my personality, my laugh,
00:56:49 Laugh?
00:56:50 That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed
00:56:54 Me, with the best cardio
00:56:56 - to realize I wasn't the only one
00:57:06 Oh, there it is. There you go.
00:57:10 Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.
00:57:15 Okay.
00:57:24 We made this wallet together
00:57:33 Take away a man's son...
00:57:34 ...you've truly given him
00:57:47 I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
00:58:09 Hi.
00:58:32 A hint.
00:58:34 Why don't you exhale slowly,
00:59:14 Don't make me drink alone.
00:59:16 Okay.
00:59:24 It's a 1997 Georges?
00:59:29 I never took French.
00:59:33 - Oh, it's a '97?
00:59:37 - Was that a good year?
00:59:39 It was great.
00:59:41 I saw my first R-rated movie
00:59:45 - Yeah, Anaconda.
00:59:50 First tattoo, porpoise.
00:59:52 - Really?
00:59:55 First kiss.
00:59:57 Scotty Lynch.
00:59:59 You guys used tongue?
01:00:05 Maybe.
01:00:07 You jealous of Scotty Lynch?
01:00:11 Yes, I am.
01:00:13 Actually, I think I'm jealous
01:00:18 Let's see.
01:00:22 Mine, first orthodontist.
01:00:24 The bastard gave me headgear.
01:00:27 Oh, no.
01:00:30 Frightening as Anaconda.
01:00:33 In wood shop, which doesn't really
01:00:36 No.
01:00:39 Had my first school dance.
01:00:42 It was a Sadie Hawkins,
01:00:49 - What, and nobody picked you?
01:00:53 - Those bitches.
01:00:55 No, I will not stand for this.
01:00:59 On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls,
01:01:08 Relax.
01:01:09 Scotty's old news.
01:01:47 I don't even know your name,
01:01:51 You know, between you, me
01:01:57 ...you're actually kind of cute.
01:01:59 You think so?
01:02:02 Yeah.
01:02:04 I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...
01:02:07 ...but I could hit that.
01:02:13 Really?
01:02:15 Or at least give you
01:02:29 Hey, a little help moving the couch?
01:02:33 We're making a fort.
01:02:40 - Yeah.
01:02:42 - Right.
01:02:46 ...I like you...
01:02:47 ...Columbus, but my sister and I...
01:02:50 ...are gonna do
01:03:05 I was hoping
01:03:07 ...but I realized she had
01:03:10 ...when I woke up the next day
01:03:18 You are like a giant
01:03:20 ...like, developed in a secret
01:03:24 Hey.
01:03:25 I can't believe I almost kissed him.
01:03:28 - Trust no one, just you and me.
01:03:32 Yeah. You and me.
01:03:47 You have just survived
01:03:50 ...and drove halfway across
01:03:52 Where are you gonna go?
01:03:54 I'm going to Pacific Playland.
01:04:16 Open sesame.
01:04:28 This is the problem
01:04:31 When they leave you,
01:04:34 Having Tallahassee around
01:04:36 ...it just made me feel more alone.
01:04:38 Hey. You weren't exactly
01:04:42 You know, you weren't storming
01:04:47 That's why I don't let people close.
01:04:50 You don't say.
01:04:54 Mexico.
01:04:55 You know what they call Twinkies
01:05:00 - That's where I'm headed, amigo.
01:05:59 - Oh, my God.
01:06:00 - This is really fun. Oh, my God.
01:06:27 Oh, no.
01:06:32 I'm going after Wichita.
01:06:34 Look, you ever read that book
01:06:38 You can't make yourself
01:06:40 I don't care, all right?
01:06:43 Have fun in Mexico.
01:06:50 Come on. Hurry.
01:06:56 Get in.
01:07:06 Come on, go.
01:07:10 Go, go.
01:07:24 On the count of three.
01:07:43 You okay? Come on.
01:07:46 - Come on, let's go.
01:07:53 There.
01:08:14 I'm not great at farewells, so...
01:08:19 ...that'll do, pig.
01:08:22 That's the worst goodbye
01:08:24 ...and you stole it from a movie.
01:08:29 Tell the ladies I said hey.
01:08:31 You know, their pictures
01:09:00 Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.
01:09:02 - Let's go ride the roller coaster.
01:09:16 Go!
01:10:17 Not as fun as I remember.
01:10:25 Shoot the control box.
01:10:59 - Columbus?
01:11:01 I think they might actually
01:11:06 - Buckle up.
01:11:11 Time to nut up or shut up.
01:11:18 Holy shit.
01:11:42 My mama always told me
01:11:46 Who'd have guessed
01:11:49 Probably nobody.
01:11:51 Look.
01:11:56 We better start working
01:12:13 Oh, no. No.
01:12:23 - Hey!
01:12:24 - Hey! Ohio!
01:12:25 - Hey! Help!
01:12:28 - Oh, my God.
01:12:30 Hey!
01:12:32 Help!
01:12:34 - Hey, they're up there. They're okay.
01:12:37 That's your gal.
01:12:40 - Over here!
01:12:44 Come on!
01:12:48 Anybody hungry?
01:12:50 Tallahassee's nice this time of year!
01:12:55 Come on, you ugly bastards!
01:13:15 Holy shit.
01:13:21 Hey!
01:13:48 Motherfucker!
01:14:21 Shit. I'm out of shells.
01:14:27 Bingo.
01:14:36 Yeah!
01:14:39 Oh, yeah.
01:14:50 Here we go.
01:17:23 Oh, shit.
01:17:26 - Wichita! Little Rock!
01:17:32 Oh, my God.
01:17:34 Look at this fucking clown.
01:17:40 Of course. It had to be a clown.
01:17:43 Fuck.
01:17:46 No, it had to be a clown,
01:17:50 ...for me to finally understand...
01:17:53 ...that some rules
01:17:59 Time to nut up or shut up.
01:18:05 Fuck this clown.
01:18:51 - Thanks.
01:18:52 Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.
01:18:56 Okay.
01:19:06 Krista.
01:19:42 Okay. We should probably
01:19:50 Finally got to first base.
01:19:53 Not bad for that scrawny
01:20:03 Where's Florida?
01:20:09 I have a little hunch.
01:20:13 Where are you, you spongy,
01:20:16 - Where are you?
01:20:23 False advertising.
01:20:28 Jesus Christ.
01:20:31 You want a Sno Ball or something?
01:21:00 Oh, God.
01:21:08 Words cannot express.
01:21:12 It's too soon.
01:21:13 Do you think you could maybe just pick
01:21:17 Okay, yeah.
01:21:21 No!
01:21:23 - No!
01:21:28 That face?
01:21:30 That's me realizing that those smart
01:21:34 ...and that big guy
01:21:37 ...they were the closest to
01:21:40 ...but never really had.
01:21:42 A family.
01:21:44 I trusted them and they trusted me.
01:21:50 Rule number 32:
01:21:54 Tallahassee got his Twinkie.
01:21:56 And even though life would never
01:22:00 ...as he savored that spongy,
01:22:03 ...we had hope. We had each other.
01:22:08 And without other people, well,
01:22:12 - Thank you so much.
01:22:14 Yeah.
01:22:18 That was very funny.
01:22:20 So until next time, remember:
01:22:22 Cardio, seat belts, and this
01:22:25 ...but a little sunscreen
01:22:29 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from