Big Nothing

en
00:00:52 'My name is Charlie Wood...
00:00:58 'I think I made a big mistake.'
00:01:45 Higher...
00:01:47 I can't, sweetheart.
00:01:51 And get a bump?
00:01:57 That's right, smart girl,
00:02:12 Oh, hey! Emily, look who it is.
00:02:16 - Hi, Isabella.
00:02:19 - There we go... Hi, how are you?
00:02:22 Ok, I've got her lunch,
00:02:26 her Elmo doll, Mr Frizzles,
00:02:29 I got it, Mr Wood.
00:02:32 - Thanks. I'll see you at 5:00.
00:02:35 All right, sweetheart. Come here.
00:03:02 First the Wyoming Widow,
00:03:05 They just pulled a dead girl
00:03:08 God! Suicide?
00:03:10 If she chopped off her own arms and
00:03:15 - Pen, I'm eating.
00:03:19 That's the fourth girl in six months.
00:03:21 Each one mutilated
00:03:23 - Pen! Pen!
00:03:28 Listen, Charlie. You don't
00:03:32 Course I do. We can't go on
00:03:35 How many times have you
00:03:38 She likes SpaghettiOs.
00:03:41 Hey, baby. Trust me.
00:03:44 Not a single publisher has called, Pen.
00:03:48 'The term
00:03:52 'It was coined in 1969
00:04:13 We handle
00:04:17 the hotlines to some of the biggest
00:04:21 - Sentel Online. Melanie speaking...
00:04:26 Again, my name is Melanie.
00:04:28 Do you only hire women
00:04:32 It's a trick of the trade. Callers like
00:04:36 This here is the Melanie
00:04:40 and you are over here
00:04:43 This is you.
00:04:47 What do you mean this is me?
00:04:51 You gotta spend six months
00:04:56 before you can interview
00:04:59 But I have a PhD.
00:05:02 - Surely...
00:05:07 - Yeah.
00:05:09 Gus here will help get you started.
00:05:11 - OK, Stephen.
00:05:14 Sure it is!
00:05:16 In the File menu do you see
00:05:20 Okey-dokey. Can you open
00:05:26 Okey-dokey. Again, my name is
00:05:32 'I actually liked Gus
00:05:35 - Welcome to hell, dickhead!
00:05:38 - I'm sorry?
00:05:40 People hooked up to machines
00:05:43 And the smell...
00:05:48 OK, so what do we do here?
00:05:54 Sentel Online, Stephen speaking.
00:05:58 Okey-dokey, ma'am. Have you
00:06:04 No, I'm not a retard.
00:06:07 Sorry.
00:06:09 Okey-dokey. I'm gonna check that
00:06:13 and I'm gonna put you on hold.
00:06:15 You feel feisty, you whiney
00:06:19 Why don't you hop up on my dick
00:06:25 Hello, ma'am. Thanks for waiting.
00:06:27 I'm gonna transfer you over to our
00:06:30 Okey-dokey? Please hold...
00:06:36 In the kingdom of the blind,
00:06:41 That's my wife, Stephanie.
00:06:44 And that there is my little daughter,
00:06:47 - That's a pretty name.
00:06:51 Thais has this problem
00:06:54 and the doctor said if she doesn't get
00:06:58 then she's gonna go blind.
00:07:05 Every year, 65,000 diabetics
00:07:08 develop Proliferative Retinopathy,
00:07:10 one of the leading precursors
00:07:15 She's not diabetic.
00:07:19 Ahem! So, are you gonna be able
00:07:24 Yeah, I hope so. If everything,
00:07:29 - What do you mean?
00:07:34 I have a plan.
00:07:37 Oh, hells bells!
00:07:43 'You see,
00:07:47 'and my husband is asking me to do it
00:07:51 OK, ma'am. I'm going to transfer you to
00:07:58 - Good god...
00:08:04 Sentel Online, this is Charlie, er...
00:08:08 'Yeah, my IP Address is stuck on 169.'
00:08:11 OK, Sir. Have you checked
00:08:16 - 'Didn't you hear what I said? '
00:08:19 Oh, IP Address. IP Address...
00:08:23 Here we go. Your IP Address
00:08:27 So... does it?
00:08:30 'I told you it was stuck on 169!
00:08:35 - Sir...
00:08:37 'Just help me out
00:08:40 Please hold on while I check
00:08:43 Yes, sir. Your wife is one
00:08:49 who engage in online chats with a
00:08:57 'My wife died three months ago.
00:08:59 'But I'd like to discuss that
00:09:19 Hey! Charlie, wait. Wait!
00:09:22 - It's my fault.
00:09:25 - Look, you know I said I had a plan?
00:09:28 Well, why don't you come in on it
00:09:32 You know, be like a partner
00:09:35 I sure as hell feel like I owe you one.
00:09:38 - It's not illegal, is it?
00:09:40 - Dickinson!
00:09:42 Look, meet me at the Monkey Wrench,
00:10:22 Choo-choo Charlie!
00:10:24 Hey, Max. Two bottles of your finest
00:10:29 - So?
00:10:36 So, I stumbled across the database
00:10:39 The online history of each
00:10:43 Look, this is their record of everyone
00:10:46 that went online in the last three months
00:10:51 Now I figure there's gotta be
00:10:53 willing to fork over some coin
00:11:02 - They all look the same
00:11:07 - R-E-V Neville Smalls. What's R-E-V?
00:11:13 Exactly! It's brilliant, don't you think?
00:11:18 - I don't think I'm criminal material...
00:11:25 We're talking about a man of the cloth
00:11:27 who likes to watch teenagers
00:11:30 and have god-knows-who
00:11:33 Who's the real criminal here?
00:11:36 I tried to do things by the book, the
00:11:40 My daughter is about to go blind,
00:11:48 - How much?
00:11:50 A hundred?
00:11:54 Thousand?
00:11:57 - Dollars?
00:12:01 - What if somebody gets hurt?
00:12:05 No harm done whatsoever. Pretty
00:12:09 - That's all?
00:12:13 OK...
00:12:23 Pick the blue one
00:12:25 But pick the red one
00:12:34 But, I must warn you, once you eat
00:12:47 Yes! I gotta tell you,
00:12:52 OK. Rule number one -
00:12:54 More than anything else,
00:12:58 - Surprise!
00:13:00 Josie, how long were you sitting there?
00:13:02 Long enough to ask how you'd feel
00:13:08 'Here's the touching story
00:13:16 Er... miss.
00:13:21 - Yes, sir?
00:13:23 - Why?
00:13:26 - No.
00:13:32 - You work at the call centre, huh?
00:13:36 - Well, half the town does.
00:13:38 - You have that look the rest of them do.
00:13:42 That how much longer till I drop dead
00:13:47 - That look.
00:13:51 - You from here?
00:13:54 - Oh, Oklahoma. What's that like?
00:14:00 - Ahem!
00:14:08 So, care to hear about
00:14:12 Wow! Jeez! You sure are a very
00:14:17 That's what they said last year when
00:14:22 - What?
00:14:24 - Miss Teen Oklahoma? Last year?
00:14:28 - How old are you?
00:14:33 Is it more or is it less?
00:14:35 Well... less, I guess!
00:14:39 Shit!
00:14:41 - What the hell's matter with you?
00:14:45 Do I look like a child? Huh?
00:14:49 OK... Ah! Is there anything else
00:15:02 - Who are you?
00:15:05 Josie McBroom.
00:15:08 - Ha!
00:15:09 - I'm sorry to interrupt, but what...
00:15:15 All right, read my lips, OK -
00:15:19 - You guys can't do the job without me?
00:15:21 Because, dumb-dumb, I'm the only one
00:15:25 If the preacher records you
00:15:28 they'll try and match it up with
00:15:33 You guy's would be screwed,
00:15:36 - Is that true?
00:15:38 How'd you work that out?
00:15:40 I told you, I was Miss Teen Oklahoma.
00:15:45 - How much do you want?
00:15:47 20,000? For making a phone call?
00:15:51 For making 'the' phone call.
00:16:00 'The average person makes
00:16:04 'none of which go anything like this.'
00:16:07 May I speak to the Reverend Smalls,
00:16:15 Hi, Reverend. Are you familiar
00:16:20 teen orgies dot com,
00:16:26 Someone who knows what the mouse
00:16:32 Listen, sicko. I have a list of all your
00:16:36 dates and times of all your connections,
00:16:44 - What do I want?
00:16:50 100,000 dollars.
00:16:53 - 200,000.
00:16:55 You heard me,
00:17:00 Take it or leave it. But if I don't have
00:17:04 the next church newsletter
00:17:12 And I'll be sending somebody.
00:17:15 Well, I think that somebody deserves
00:17:20 Wait! I took a chance and it worked.
00:17:23 Now we each get 70,000 dollars.
00:17:25 It's actually 66,666,
00:17:29 Thanks, Rain Man!
00:17:31 From now on, anybody pulls
00:17:36 If we're partners,
00:17:39 This is the plan - I go get the money
00:17:43 'At the same time,
00:17:46 'and pretends we ran
00:17:49 He also says that I'm on my way
00:17:52 the one that opens 24/7, don't forget.
00:17:54 10:00 pm, after I stash the money
00:17:57 I come back and tell everyone
00:18:01 If it comes up, Charlie was at the bar,
00:18:04 The guy at the station
00:18:07 - Sure. You why? Cos he's blind.
00:18:11 The following day we meet at noon,
00:18:13 we divvy up the money
00:18:15 OK, now. Any questions?
00:18:18 Why don't we just divvy up
00:18:21 Rule number two -
00:18:24 "Rule number two?" What, you've been
00:18:29 Any questions? Great.
00:18:31 Rule number three - no matter what
00:18:45 'The next day might have been
00:18:52 'For the first time
00:18:55 'I'd be able to bring security
00:19:06 'I couldn't tell you
00:19:13 So, Mr Supervisor, talk to me.
00:19:17 - Yep.
00:19:19 Pretty?
00:19:24 What's her name?
00:19:26 - Sharon.
00:19:28 - Sharon what?
00:19:33 - Sharon Stone?
00:19:35 - So, how was your day?
00:19:37 And to top it off,
00:19:40 - The what?
00:19:42 Bionic, supersonic Special Agent
00:19:46 Which is just what I need
00:19:50 no leads, no fingerprints, nothing.
00:19:53 Honestly, why some folks suddenly
00:20:01 - What if I did?
00:20:06 If I became a criminal.
00:20:08 Like if I, er... stole some money,
00:20:12 I'd arrest you.
00:20:21 But let's say...
00:20:26 Like we had no other choice
00:20:32 because I had to. What then?
00:20:35 I'd arrest you.
00:20:38 - Why?
00:20:41 No... I'm serious, Pen.
00:20:43 Why...
00:20:45 Why should Emily have to put up
00:20:47 second-hand clothes,
00:20:52 Charlie, you have your book, you have
00:21:33 Hi.
00:21:35 Oh, what a crazy night!
00:21:38 - My car ran out of gas...
00:21:40 Sure. Beer, please.
00:21:43 One of your finest, mass-produced...
00:21:56 My friend, Gus... You know Gus.
00:21:59 Gus Dickinson, works down
00:22:02 Reverend Smalls?
00:22:08 And that's where he is now -
00:22:11 Reverend Sma...
00:22:14 Smalls...
00:22:16 The old blind guy who runs the station
00:22:21 Old blind guy is celebrating his 80th
00:22:28 Who the hell are you?
00:22:32 Er... I'm the guy that's here
00:22:47 - Give me your gun.
00:22:53 You've come to get money from me
00:22:56 Give my regards
00:22:58 You don't mean Santa Claus, do you?
00:23:12 Gus?
00:23:15 Gus?
00:23:29 Gus?
00:23:33 Gus?
00:23:49 Oh my...!
00:24:13 'If it's you, José, fuck
00:24:17 Josie? Josie? Pick up.
00:24:23 Josie, are you there?
00:25:42 Gus?
00:25:56 Gus?
00:26:01 Gus? Gus, are you there?
00:26:06 Gus?
00:26:13 Gus?
00:26:17 - Oh!
00:26:19 - What happened?
00:26:22 The station was closed.
00:26:24 Our alibi! So I came here.
00:26:27 - Whoa! Calm down
00:26:29 The bastard pulled a gun on me.
00:26:32 and I grabbed the gun and it went off.
00:26:35 - No biggy?
00:26:39 He's gonna wake up any minute now.
00:26:44 Oh, Gus...
00:26:50 I think I made a big mistake.
00:26:54 - Did you call the cops?
00:26:58 - Who?
00:27:00 - What corpse?
00:27:05 The reverend wasn't a corpse
00:27:07 - There was blood. I saw blood...
00:27:10 He shot me through the leg.
00:27:15 Oh my god.
00:27:18 Why didn't you answer
00:27:21 I was in the bathroom
00:27:26 I checked his pulse. I mean, well...
00:27:30 - Maybe I missed it. 17 percent...
00:27:33 What? Can't we get him
00:27:35 - How long's he been down there?
00:27:39 What?
00:27:41 I thought I said, no matter what,
00:27:45 There wasn't anything
00:27:47 about the blind guy's birthday
00:27:51 All right, let's calm down.
00:27:53 - Don't you need a doctor?
00:27:55 There's a slightly more
00:28:26 - What are you doing?
00:28:29 Jesus, Gus. He's crying
00:28:35 - Jesus. Hail Mary, full of grace...
00:28:43 Goddammit! Is that part of your plan?
00:28:46 After you kill someone
00:28:49 I didn't kill anybody, first of all.
00:28:54 Well you know what,
00:28:57 I just drowned a man of the cloth
00:29:02 - Maybe I should turn myself in...
00:29:04 Nobody is turning anybody in
00:29:06 Now did you know the priest was alive
00:29:10 - No.
00:29:17 How could we have thought a reverend
00:29:24 The average savings of an
00:29:27 is 15,256 dollars.
00:29:29 Charlie, Charlie...
00:29:32 Shut up!
00:29:37 Wait!
00:29:38 No! Rule number four -
00:29:41 It's Josie's card, I left it by the phone.
00:29:44 Rule number five - if your partner
00:29:55 It's gone.
00:30:06 Got it.
00:30:08 Ow! What the fuck?
00:30:13 Ow!
00:30:22 Shouldn't we be going?
00:30:24 Aren't you just a little curious?
00:30:32 'Have a look right there.
00:30:35 'How are you? '
00:30:38 'Look. This is for you, all right? '
00:30:42 - She's an actress, right?
00:30:45 'You like this, baby?
00:30:48 'You like to feel that? Feel that. Yeah.
00:30:50 'Yeah. You know what this?
00:30:55 'Argh! '
00:30:57 'Shut up! '
00:30:59 If I didn't know better, you know
00:31:05 A snuff film?
00:31:13 Holy moly!
00:31:15 - Who says Holy moly?
00:31:19 This is why he was so keen to cop
00:31:23 - We've gotta call the police.
00:31:27 - Look, if they find the body...
00:31:30 The septic tank was genius.
00:31:33 we may have saved lives tonight.
00:31:36 - You think he's the Oregon Undertaker?
00:31:39 He sure as hell got what he deserved.
00:31:43 Charlie... Wait!
00:31:48 You mind if I come in?
00:31:53 What?
00:31:56 We found the reverend's body.
00:32:00 - It was an accident...
00:32:03 Someone shot him three times
00:32:06 and left him in his car
00:32:11 That's a hard pill to swallow.
00:32:17 I'm sorry. Are you certain
00:32:20 - Oh yeah. We've got a positive ID.
00:32:24 Who's what?
00:32:26 Who is... safe
00:32:30 in this godforsaken world...
00:32:32 - You family?
00:32:34 Just a friend. A family friend.
00:32:38 - And your name is?
00:32:43 Stephen Hawking.
00:32:44 Mind if I...
00:33:03 - You're watching a DVD, huh?
00:33:07 I mean... did you know that DVD sales
00:33:10 have risen by 226 percent
00:33:15 Well... no.
00:33:19 But I sure am 100 percent glad
00:33:27 So, er... can I get you a drink?
00:33:31 A glass of H20, if you please,
00:33:42 There's some blood on the floor.
00:33:53 - Mr Hawking?
00:33:55 I broke a vase and, er...
00:33:58 and accidentally cut my arm
00:34:09 - Look...
00:34:13 That hurts just looking at it.
00:34:16 - What are you doing?
00:34:19 'Deputy Garmen, Detective
00:34:23 Copy that.
00:34:25 Detective Wood, always breathing
00:34:28 Ain't had a good poke, if you ask me.
00:34:32 I'm not asking, but whatever.
00:34:36 Well, I'd better get a move on.
00:34:42 Mmm... What a beautiful night.
00:34:46 You could almost
00:34:49 Yep.
00:34:52 Although, even if you were travelling
00:34:55 it would take you 1,460 days
00:34:58 Is that right?
00:35:00 Well you are just a walking
00:35:03 You have yourself
00:35:06 You, too, officer.
00:35:10 Oh... would you mind if I took a gander
00:35:18 Curiosity killed the cat, Officer.
00:35:20 In my line of work, the cat gets a raise
00:35:35 My nine-year-old loves this one.
00:35:38 Especially this part
00:35:44 I've got to admit, Stephen...
00:35:46 I thought you were hiding something.
00:36:06 It kinda looks like
00:36:12 You wanna come with me?
00:36:18 I need you to lift this up for me,
00:36:21 - Officer, you don't want to smell...
00:36:31 So much for the raise
00:36:35 There we go.
00:36:37 I knew Columbo here would come back
00:36:41 - Who is in the septic tank?
00:36:45 Check the papers, see who's missing.
00:36:47 And then what, Gus?
00:36:50 - Oh, you killed somebody!
00:36:54 - Oh, yes, I did! What do you propose?
00:36:59 They'll say murdered
00:37:01 - I had nothing to do with that!
00:37:04 Makes it all nice and neat for them.
00:37:08 I'd bet good money they'll be all, "Gosh!
00:37:12 You'll be spitting fire and crying sparks.
00:37:14 Enough, OK? Let's not
00:37:17 Charlie, how could this be any worse?
00:37:21 You're not going anywhere.
00:37:23 You're gonna shoot me?
00:37:25 I've got a family too, Charlie.
00:37:30 I am going to shoot you, Charlie!
00:37:33 - No, you're not.
00:37:39 - No, you're not.
00:37:45 Shit!
00:37:56 Ah! I knew you would...
00:38:00 I wouldn't do that.
00:38:09 Who the hell are you?
00:38:11 Considering that I live here, young man,
00:38:17 It's not what you think, Mrs Smalls.
00:38:21 Look... we have some terrible news.
00:38:24 Your husband, the reverend...
00:38:27 has passed on.
00:38:29 Considering I put three bullets
00:38:32 I should certainly hope so!
00:38:35 Mrs Smalls, you have the right
00:38:38 - Anything you say...
00:38:40 So you killed him?
00:38:43 I spent years turning a blind eye
00:38:46 shall we say filmmaking aspirations.
00:38:48 Max and I felt we deserved
00:38:52 - Who's Max?
00:38:56 We're going from here to somewhere
00:39:02 - Er... Ahem!
00:39:05 I think he may already be there.
00:39:09 - What? He wouldn't leave without me.
00:39:13 - It was an accident.
00:39:16 - Shut up...
00:39:21 All right, where's the money?
00:39:24 - Sorry, what money?
00:39:29 - Two...
00:39:33 Oh dear!
00:39:36 I guess I'll just have to count to three.
00:39:39 - No, Mrs Smalls!
00:39:41 - We don't know!
00:39:43 Tell her!
00:39:58 We'll, I'll be!
00:40:11 Well, pa, time to fire up
00:40:17 By the way, what happened exactly?
00:40:23 Sure. Charlie drowned the reverend,
00:40:26 even though he wasn't,
00:40:28 Turns out he wasn't the real reverend.
00:40:30 The real reverend was murdered
00:40:33 the woman whose head you split
00:40:36 She planned to run away with her lover,
00:40:41 and the two million dollars the reverend
00:40:45 in shooting and selling snuff films.
00:40:49 - Groovy!
00:40:52 Three people died tonight, Josie.
00:40:55 In this business, unfortunately,
00:40:59 And by the way, way to go using
00:41:04 Hey, look. I can help.
00:41:07 I'll testify that I heard Mrs Smalls
00:41:11 As for Mrs Smalls, she was
00:41:17 - What about the guy in the tank?
00:41:21 You wouldn't do much time.
00:41:24 Oh my God!
00:41:34 Well that doesn't suck!
00:41:37 I have to hand it to you.
00:41:41 Can you believe it? We're rich.
00:41:44 You guys can keep my share.
00:41:47 If I go to jail, I go to jail.
00:41:49 Don't be ridiculous! You earned this.
00:41:51 They'll just hunt us down like animals.
00:41:53 With this kind of money
00:41:56 I have a wife and daughter,
00:41:59 Fine. Gus and I will leave the state
00:42:01 and we'll just drop you and the deputy
00:42:05 - How's that sound?
00:42:07 - What?
00:42:09 Since he's the only one who can testify
00:42:13 OK, Miss Teen Oklahoma...
00:42:15 Help!
00:42:17 Help!
00:42:45 - Hold his head.
00:42:47 Just helping him relax a little.
00:43:02 My friend here decided to surrender.
00:43:04 We'll drop you both somewhere
00:43:07 - You're making a big mistake.
00:43:12 Wait, wait!
00:43:15 - I gotta go pee.
00:43:18 - Please?
00:43:22 Wait...
00:43:26 - The handcuffs.
00:43:28 There are certain requirements...
00:43:40 There. Enjoy!
00:44:02 I'm sorry...
00:44:05 I can't go if you're, er... watching.
00:44:07 Could you just close...
00:44:11 Stage fright!
00:44:35 One minute warning.
00:44:44 You dropped this.
00:44:49 - No, I can explain... Argh!
00:44:52 - What the hell's the matter with you?
00:44:56 8:00 am. We were supposed
00:44:59 - That asshole broke my nose!
00:45:03 All right, I lied about Thais needing
00:45:10 - I owe my wife 300,000 bucks.
00:45:14 I owe my ex-wife 300,000 dollars
00:45:17 there is a restraining order against me
00:45:20 I have not seen or talked
00:45:23 - Why not say?
00:45:25 - Of course not.
00:45:37 - Oh my God!
00:45:40 Uh-uh! Freakin' fantastic!
00:45:43 Don't you see? None of us
00:45:47 What do you propose?
00:45:49 like Bonnie and Clyde... and Clyde?
00:45:51 No. First, we take the cop's car
00:45:56 We put him and the reverend's wife
00:45:59 and push it over the cliff
00:46:01 - They'd find the car in a couple of days.
00:46:06 That the deputy was driving under
00:46:10 flagged down another car
00:46:12 took control of the wheel
00:46:15 And the wounds, they'd be more
00:46:19 So the reverend gets murdered
00:46:21 that his wife gets driven off a cliff
00:46:25 That doesn't sound very accidental.
00:46:27 You know, he has a point... for once.
00:46:29 OK, er... Then we plant Mrs Smalls'
00:46:34 They figure it was the weapon
00:46:37 They think... maybe she had an affair
00:46:40 maybe they decide to off the reverend
00:46:46 - That's a hell of a lot of maybes!
00:46:57 Ooh! Old broad sure liked her food!
00:47:00 Fancy body bags!
00:47:06 - You're eating a lollypop?
00:47:11 - Ow!
00:47:13 Yeah. Let's just get this done.
00:48:21 Can you go any slower?
00:48:23 We don't wanna attract attention,
00:48:26 No, we don't wanna go back in time,
00:48:30 It's only by going faster than light that
00:48:34 Yeah! Do me a favour -
00:48:39 You have some serious stress-related
00:48:44 Wh... What?
00:48:46 The 2003 statistical report on the health
00:48:50 What's wrong with you? You pull these
00:48:56 and nobody really gives a shit!
00:48:58 - Guys!
00:49:01 Charlie, here's a nifty stat for you -
00:49:03 for a guy that knows everything,
00:49:07 you have to be, bar none, the biggest
00:49:11 And I'm from Las Vegas!
00:49:26 You ever hear of a neurotransmitter
00:49:29 What?
00:49:31 It's the chemical your brain uses
00:49:36 - Is it?
00:49:38 See, the reason I lost my teaching job
00:49:43 typified by a gradual, acute
00:49:46 of the cerebral cortex.
00:49:48 Or if that's too "pulled out of my ass"
00:49:55 Are you making this up?
00:49:56 The doctors think that, in a year or two,
00:50:00 So the only thing I can do
00:50:03 is to keep working my memory
00:50:07 Do you remember
00:50:10 What blue bag?
00:50:14 Jeez, guy, I'm really sorry.
00:50:26 Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word
00:50:35 - You sonofabitch!
00:50:37 Damn it! What the...
00:50:43 - Are you fucking crazy?
00:50:46 He doesn't have a daughter...
00:50:49 Is everyone OK in there?
00:50:54 We're fine.
00:50:56 Everything's fine.
00:51:00 - I think we should call the police.
00:51:02 No, let's not bother them.
00:51:05 You're fine, your car's fine.
00:51:08 Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
00:51:12 I'll be honest with you - I don't give
00:51:16 Here, why don't you pack your fat ass
00:51:20 and buy yourself as big a sandwich
00:51:23 Is that standard enough
00:51:26 - Your trunk is open.
00:51:30 You all going on a trip somewhere?
00:51:33 Sure looks you're packed for a long one.
00:51:37 No, it's a couple of dead bodies.
00:51:44 - That was a good one!
00:51:46 Oh, jeez!
00:51:49 Oh, it's time for old stingy!
00:51:53 What?
00:51:55 Oh, it's insulin.
00:51:57 Whatever!
00:52:06 Freak show!
00:52:10 - Ow!
00:52:12 Granted, I lied, but I have
00:52:16 - When I got out of prison, I swore...
00:52:19 You were in prison? For what?
00:52:22 I kind of convinced some people
00:52:26 that weren't actually,
00:52:29 - Anything else you forgot, sociopath?
00:52:32 - Aren't you overreacting a bit?
00:52:35 I happen to be a very good conman.
00:52:37 That's my talent. What do you want
00:52:41 You don't go around using it
00:52:45 I bet Gus isn't even your real name.
00:52:48 - No, really, I'd love to know.
00:52:52 ...named me after Augustus...
00:53:28 What the...
00:53:36 - Maybe she's jumped out the trunk.
00:53:41 - She's fucking dead.
00:53:43 - Er... no.
00:53:46 Because I assume that when you
00:53:50 your pulse tends to bottom out on you!
00:53:52 - Maybe you shouldn't assume so much.
00:53:56 All that matters now is that we find her
00:54:00 - Try to keep it on the road this time!
00:54:04 When people ain't punching me
00:54:10 Argh!
00:54:33 Want me to check her pulse?
00:54:41 Shit!
00:54:47 - Charlie?
00:54:50 - What are you doing here?
00:54:54 Wh... We had an anonymous call
00:54:58 We just ran over it.
00:55:00 Hi, I'm Josie McBroom.
00:55:02 I thought you were having a drink
00:55:05 Technically, I'm Junior Supervisor
00:55:10 - Oh...
00:55:14 - Penelope Wood.
00:55:16 - Detective Penelope Wood.
00:55:18 Charlie has told me a lot about you...
00:55:22 Did he say he has a little girl
00:55:25 - Emily's here?
00:55:28 Now, what happened, exactly?
00:55:30 Well, we were driving into town
00:55:34 and all of a sudden - bang!
00:55:37 We ran over this body here. There
00:55:40 No one could have. I swear,
00:55:45 - And you are?
00:55:48 Gus Dickinson is my name.
00:55:53 - Who are you calling?
00:56:05 Aren't you gonna answer that?
00:56:08 Uh-uh! It's probably
00:56:11 Freakin' stalker, you know?
00:56:16 Deputy Garmen, Detective Wood here.
00:56:21 Detective Wood.
00:56:25 Where?
00:56:29 Shit!
00:56:31 - The Eye is at the station.
00:56:33 All right, I want you all to follow me down
00:56:38 Can't that wait till tomorrow?
00:56:42 if we'd had a good night's sleep, right?
00:56:47 You might have mentioned
00:56:51 Shut up.
00:56:53 Gus, you might have mentioned
00:56:56 to your imaginary wife and your
00:57:00 Touché!
00:57:02 Everyone, this is Special Agent
00:57:05 Well, can you beat this?
00:57:11 - What?
00:57:13 We ran into each other earlier.
00:57:18 - I'm ready.
00:57:21 You two follow us.
00:57:25 - We're screwed!
00:57:28 We had a few beers at Gus's place,
00:57:32 Got it.
00:57:34 Gus...
00:57:37 - We're screwed!
00:57:40 Do you think Agent Hippo
00:57:42 than where to find a really great buffet?
00:57:45 These abrasions on her knees
00:57:48 indicate a leap from a moving vehicle.
00:57:50 We can deduce that Mrs Smalls'
00:57:54 presupposed her already dead when
00:57:59 Are you all right, Mr Dickinson?
00:58:03 Er... yeah. This is the first dead body
00:58:08 - And I drunk beers at my place.
00:58:10 Other than the axe wound,
00:58:14 came from a much shorter person,
00:58:17 nothing here indicates
00:58:21 I can safely say that Mrs Smalls'
00:58:27 within this very room.
00:58:29 - What?
00:58:32 What I mean to say is her body
00:58:36 after a more thorough examination.
00:58:39 However, I can hazard a name
00:58:43 Please do.
00:58:45 I'm sure it will come as no surprise
00:58:49 is none other than...
00:58:53 ...the Oregon Undertaker.
00:58:55 Well, we all could have figured
00:58:59 Indeed.
00:59:35 Everything's gonna be OK, sweetie.
00:59:46 Hey! So, er... I guess
00:59:50 Why don't you leave her here with me?
00:59:54 - Yah, but I can easily...
00:59:59 Wait! You're not
01:00:04 Not without your coat.
01:00:15 - Would anyone care to say something?
01:00:19 No way! We've got a dead cop
01:00:22 I don't care about the cop. I don't
01:00:26 I just wanna go home
01:00:30 Yeah, it hasn't exactly been
01:00:33 All I wanted was to take care
01:00:37 OK, Charlie, the sooner we dispose
01:00:42 the sooner you can get started on your
01:00:45 Now how does that sound?
01:00:48 'You've reached Stu Garmen.
01:00:52 Shit!
01:01:00 Come on, sweetheart.
01:01:16 Oh, Charlie...
01:01:46 - You're sure he'll sink in there?
01:01:50 - You've done this before?
01:01:52 Unrefined, unheated tar
01:01:55 So what does that mean?
01:01:58 He'll sink. It might take a week or so,
01:02:04 Well... we better get started then.
01:02:25 Hold it!
01:02:30 You followed us.
01:02:31 I figured it would be more expedient
01:02:36 I guess I was right, just like always.
01:02:39 - OK...
01:02:41 Agent Hymes, you let us go and there's
01:02:47 You're offering a Federal agent
01:02:51 - Yeah.
01:02:54 Gus, come over here for a second,
01:03:01 Tell me I'm fat!
01:03:03 I was joking!
01:03:06 I wanna hear you tell the fat guy
01:03:09 I was kidding, all right?
01:03:13 You might be a little on the heavy side
01:03:15 but it's nothing that a few centuries
01:03:18 - Argh! Sonofabitch!
01:03:22 All right, the official version is that
01:03:28 - And I was defending myself...
01:03:32 The official version is that Gus tripped
01:03:37 Ok, there's two million dollars in a bag
01:03:43 Wow! Can you beat that?
01:03:46 And people said this economy
01:03:50 Argh!
01:03:56 - Shoot him in the fucking eye!
01:04:00 - Wait!
01:04:03 - I know who you are.
01:04:05 I thought you looked familiar...
01:04:11 AKA Lucy McJoseph,
01:04:16 - What are you talking about?
01:04:20 What?
01:04:22 Gentlemen, the Wyoming Widow's
01:04:26 She seduces an unsuspecting fellow,
01:04:31 and then she offers up
01:04:33 The poor sucker never lives long enough
01:04:38 highly concentrated thallium.
01:04:40 You've been watching too many
01:04:47 You're not believing this crap, are you?
01:04:50 They say that she always keeps
01:04:54 just in case the next bug
01:04:58 Oh, come on! He's just making
01:05:03 I could have sworn I felt one inside
01:05:11 Empty your pockets, Josie.
01:05:15 Charlie...
01:05:25 Holy shit!
01:05:27 You planted this in my coat
01:05:31 No, I didn't. I swear to God!
01:05:32 This isn't mine.
01:05:34 - He is lying. He is lying!
01:05:41 - Oh...
01:05:51 There.
01:05:55 Are you ha...
01:05:58 - Josie?
01:06:00 Oh, God! Josie!
01:06:07 - You are so pathetic!
01:06:13 You dumb shits! I told you he was just
01:07:26 Jesus!
01:07:32 I think that belongs to Uncle Sam.
01:07:34 Now hold on.
01:07:40 I'm an agent too.
01:07:47 - When the hell did you take that off me?
01:07:52 Listen, here's the thing, Gus -
01:07:56 there's a friend of mine,
01:07:59 He's been protecting the innocent
01:08:01 And, well...
01:08:04 he's gotten fed up
01:08:07 for ungrateful morons
01:08:11 A pat on the back if things go right,
01:08:13 or the stars and stripes on his coffin
01:08:16 It just doesn't cut it anymore.
01:08:20 I have two million here.
01:08:22 Believe when I say
01:08:25 Tell your friend there's a million for him
01:08:29 What about two million for him
01:08:33 Oh, come on, Chetty!
01:08:36 You insult me, Gus.
01:08:40 You're just a small-time crook
01:08:43 who got shot twice in the chest
01:08:46 Listen, I have a daughter, Thais...
01:08:49 Thais. That's Greek for 'Beloved'.
01:08:58 - You shot me.
01:09:19 What took you so long?
01:10:00 Mummy...
01:10:03 It's all right, sweetheart.
01:10:17 Wait! You know I can't eat
01:10:20 You shouldn't do this.
01:10:23 - Like you shouldn't have killed Gus.
01:10:28 Gus was a backstabber.
01:10:31 He told me he was gonna kill you
01:10:35 That's why I killed him. I saved your life.
01:10:40 89.9 percent of all US Government
01:10:46 Please... this isn't right, Charlie.
01:10:49 You know this isn't right.
01:10:52 - Your wife is an officer of the law.
01:10:58 Oh, God.
01:11:00 I don't wanna die!
01:11:03 I don't wanna die...
01:11:06 Please... Oh...
01:11:22 - God, we really did it, huh?
01:11:25 We really turned into monsters.
01:11:29 Oh, Charlie...
01:11:35 Oh, come on.
01:11:37 I say it was worth it.
01:11:41 Let's get the body in the car.
01:11:44 Wait...
01:11:47 There's still one passenger missing.
01:11:54 You said you wanted to pretend
01:12:00 One sip of this... and you can kiss
01:12:07 - The Wyoming Widow?
01:12:12 But I saw you drink it.
01:12:15 Never far from my trusty flasks!
01:12:20 - Brilliant.
01:12:21 After all, I was Miss Teen Wyoming.
01:12:26 Now, Obviously I can't let you go
01:12:30 and, fuck, two million does sound
01:12:36 - You were right, Penny.
01:12:40 Penelope always said money
01:12:43 I just didn't believe her.
01:12:47 You do seem like
01:12:51 - I'm real sorry I gotta do this.
01:12:54 No, I don't. But you do.
01:12:57 You want me to shoot you
01:13:04 What did Hymes say you used?
01:13:06 Concentrated thallium.
01:13:17 Any last words, Charlie?
01:13:22 Don't spend it all at one place.
01:13:25 What?
01:13:37 What? What?
01:13:41 What?
01:13:46 No! Oh!
01:13:50 What the fuck?
01:13:53 Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fuck!
01:14:24 'Charlie, Penelope
01:14:28 'Please leave us a message.'
01:14:30 'This is a message for Charlie
01:14:34 'I'm Senior VP of Barstow Publishing
01:14:38 'Listen, I'm calling in regards
01:14:41 "'Build A Better Brain
01:14:44 'It seems to me like it's a no-brainer!
01:14:46 'Seriously, though,
01:14:48 'We think you'll be happy with it.
01:14:50 'Please call me back
01:15:54 - Hi.
01:15:56 - As far away from here as possible.
01:16:02 This must be my lucky day.
01:16:08 Er... let me just double-check
01:16:27 - All set.
01:17:28 And... action.
01:17:33 Again.
01:17:37 Again.
01:17:42 And... again.
01:17:44 - Hi!
01:17:48 Thank you.
01:21:34 I got him!
01:21:47 DVD Subtitles by