Blackadder Back Forth

en
00:01:51 Well, isn't this splendid
00:01:54 New Year's Eve 1999,
00:01:58 Let's drink a great big slurpy toast
00:02:03 Bravo! After all, if history
00:02:06 it is that,
00:02:08 "What the worid needs now,
00:02:12 - Hear, hear.
00:02:14 If history has taught us anything,
00:02:17 is one long round
00:02:20 and burning people as witches
00:02:24 I'm sorry about the food
00:02:26 Unfortunately, my cook got invited to
00:02:30 and so our chef for this evening is
00:02:35 Baldrick!
00:02:41 My Lord?
00:02:42 God save us.
00:02:44 I trust you're all
00:02:47 No, we're not actually, Baldrick.
00:02:50 It tastes as if someone
00:02:52 has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin
00:02:55 and then coughed all over
00:02:58 Well, funny you should say that, sir,
00:03:00 Yes, all right, Baldrick.
00:03:04 I believe you've got some
00:03:08 Oh, yes.
00:03:14 Oh my...
00:03:18 Now, where were we?
00:03:20 We were bally well
00:03:22 Yes, and it might also be
00:03:26 How on earth
00:03:28 You can't see something
00:03:31 - Unless you're on the lavatory.
00:03:34 Yes, or unless one's got
00:03:38 - How likely is that?
00:03:43 because I've just built one.
00:03:45 Stuff and stonsense! I've heard
00:03:49 Every time I open my mouth, as
00:03:53 It's just... just... cobblers.
00:03:55 I can assure you it is not.
00:03:57 This is an original sketchbook
00:04:01 And this year, I built a time machine
00:04:07 Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest
00:04:10 since Mr. Rodney Tricycle
00:04:13 "I'm bored with walking,
00:04:16 with three wheels and a bell,
00:04:19 Behold, the time machine.
00:04:25 Well, glaze my nipples
00:04:29 - It can't be real! A joke, surely.
00:04:33 When did I last play
00:04:35 Well, when you said
00:04:37 and I donated you
00:04:40 and then you said it was an April fool
00:04:45 Well, yes, there has been the odd
00:04:49 But not this time.
00:04:53 And to prove it,
00:04:57 I will bet you each 10,000 pounds
00:05:01 that I can travel through time
00:05:04 any items of historical interest
00:05:10 - Darling?
00:05:12 Yes, if you can travel through time,
00:05:16 so long as you bring back a...
00:05:22 Very well,
00:05:26 No no, that's much too easy,
00:05:31 actually worn by Wellington
00:05:34 on the day he won
00:05:36 Lady Elizabeth would like the
00:05:38 actual wellingtons worn by
00:05:40 on the day he won
00:05:44 - Anyone else?
00:05:47 I want you to get,
00:05:50 an ancient reeking stinking pair
00:05:56 18th century botty-huggers,
00:06:03 Very well,
00:06:05 It will of course,
00:06:08 I shall merely step in,
00:06:11 and I will emerge triumphant.
00:06:15 Farewell, dear friends.
00:06:21 Well done, Balders. Very impressive,
00:06:25 Don't worry, my Lord, I followed
00:06:29 Even if you can't actually read.
00:06:31 That's right, but I have done
00:06:35 Right, so we've got
00:06:38 And the boots. Excellent.
00:06:41 - The underpants, where are they?
00:06:45 They're my very best pair,
00:06:49 - So they're, in fact, your only pair.
00:06:55 Stick them in the bag.
00:07:01 Struth!
00:07:03 - Right, let's get this stuff going.
00:07:07 Yes, right.
00:07:12 make it look real. The best
00:07:22 Here we go. You hide there.
00:07:32 Right, interesting.
00:07:35 - What's happening, my Lord?
00:07:40 For God's sake,
00:07:45 Something useful.
00:07:46 Come on throw something!
00:07:53 Sod off!
00:08:03 Try the underpants.
00:08:07 A bloody brontosaurus!
00:08:10 - Him, not me.
00:08:15 Sniff my skids!
00:08:29 Fascinating. One of history's
00:08:33 The dinosaurs were in fact,
00:08:40 Well, Balders,
00:08:42 You've built a working time machine,
00:08:46 - the greatest genius who's ever lived.
00:08:50 - Right, let's get out of here.
00:08:59 Can you set the date
00:09:01 Yes, I just turn that, pull that,
00:09:05 pull this lever like that,
00:09:09 But unfortunately it doesn't because
00:09:13 - in pen but I never got round to it.
00:09:18 So the date we're heading for is
00:09:22 That's right, my Lord.
00:09:24 - In other words, we can't get home.
00:09:29 Excellent.
00:09:32 Rather a spectacular return to form
00:09:37 Still, some common sense
00:09:41 We've just got to put the controls
00:09:46 I think that was about there,
00:09:48 these were here and here.
00:09:55 And that should get us home.
00:09:57 Excellent. You threw away our items,
00:10:05 Typical! They must have got bored
00:10:12 Right, now you're not
00:10:17 Ah, Lord Blackadder.
00:10:24 Elizabeth... the first?
00:10:27 You're wearing very weird clothes,
00:10:30 and you look rather
00:10:33 - Is that right?
00:10:35 - I'm always right.
00:10:38 - Melchy,
00:10:39 Edmund's being very cheeky.
00:10:42 Shall I laugh at him,
00:10:45 Well, I do think choppy choppy
00:10:49 Very well.
00:10:54 Unless of course, Eddy,
00:11:00 A present?
00:11:03 Yes, certainly, Your Majesty.
00:11:06 A present...
00:11:10 Quickly, I'm getting bored now.
00:11:12 Yes. Now...
00:11:15 - These may not look much...
00:11:19 No. But... let's say...
00:11:24 Let's say there was a place where
00:11:29 We already have those, Blackadder,
00:11:32 Right. Well imagine that,
00:11:36 As it were, a "super" market.
00:11:39 Now if you gave someone at
00:11:43 this,
00:11:46 he would give you
00:11:51 Which would mean
00:11:53 you could buy a tin of baked beans
00:11:59 Kill him!
00:12:01 No wait! There must be...
00:12:06 - What are they?
00:12:10 Minty things.
00:12:12 I want one!
00:12:13 Yes, Your Majesty.
00:12:17 Oh, it's got a hole in it.
00:12:20 No they're meant to be like that,
00:12:33 Blackie, you're so naughty!
00:12:37 It's the tastiest thing
00:12:40 Try one, Melchy.
00:12:42 - What do you think?
00:12:47 This is incredible,
00:12:49 you usually smell like
00:12:53 Yes, I am aware I have a less than
00:12:58 You don't smell like that anymore,
00:13:01 and not at all like a turd.
00:13:04 - Oh, what a pity.
00:13:07 Here, take this, you sexy flirt.
00:13:13 - Thank you, Ma'am.
00:13:16 go forth and bring back
00:13:21 in the next five minutes,
00:13:23 or I'll come after you
00:13:28 Certainly, Your Majesty. I'll be
00:13:38 Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:13:44 Wait a minute,
00:13:45 - you're not...
00:13:47 Don't say it, you hated
00:13:50 - This one's much better.
00:13:54 You couldn't just sign something
00:13:58 Certainly.
00:14:02 I'm sorry it's just a Biro.
00:14:08 Thank you.
00:14:13 That's for every schoolboy and
00:14:18 Have you any idea how much
00:14:22 Hours spent at school desks
00:14:26 "A Midsummer Night's Dream",
00:14:29 years wearing stupid tights
00:14:33 and saying things like
00:14:35 "Oh look, here comes Othello
00:14:40 Oh, and...
00:14:41 that's for Kenneth Brannagh's endless
00:14:49 Who's Ken Brannagh?
00:14:51 I'll tell him you said that,
00:15:00 - Let's get out of here, Balders.
00:15:03 By the way, if we ever
00:15:05 - Yes, my Lord?
00:15:07 Alright, my Lord.
00:15:08 Now, it was down here when
00:15:10 it's in the middle now,
00:15:16 That should do the trick.
00:15:21 Erm, yes. I suspect that's
00:15:26 Back, back, back!
00:15:32 Oh, God, where are we now?
00:15:36 Oh dear, do you think it's safe?
00:15:39 I don't know. Does this look
00:15:43 This empty wood?
00:15:51 Well, well, what have we here?
00:15:55 who have good muscle tone
00:15:58 Oh, God.
00:16:09 Look lads,
00:16:13 Wait a minute,
00:16:17 Am I Robin Hood?
00:16:19 Is Will Scarlet a puff in tights?
00:16:23 Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard
00:16:28 Is Maid Marion
00:16:30 - with thighs like a nutcracker?
00:16:33 - Woof!
00:16:38 - Woof!
00:16:40 It's nice to meet you,
00:16:42 because there's one question
00:16:45 Fire away! Before I impale
00:16:49 And I don't mean
00:16:51 - Yes, I know.
00:16:53 What puzzles me is this:
00:16:56 - Yeah!
00:16:58 And then when you've robbed the rich,
00:17:03 - Yes!
00:17:06 - Woof!
00:17:08 Now that's the bit
00:17:11 - You men risk your lives in combat,
00:17:15 - Risk certain death if you're caught,
00:17:20 You live here in this forest
00:17:24 I hate to think what the toilets
00:17:28 - Not very nice, actually.
00:17:32 to these, so-called poor
00:17:36 who just sit on their backsides
00:17:40 - Shut up now.
00:17:42 "Oh no need to go to work today,
00:17:43 Robin Hood and his merry men
00:17:46 I said shut up!
00:17:48 I'm surprised they don't call you
00:17:54 Right, that is it!
00:17:56 Shoot him, boys.
00:17:59 Robin Hood and his
00:18:02 Ready... aim...
00:18:08 ...fire!
00:18:16 Can I say that I think you made
00:18:19 So do I, gorgeous.
00:18:21 Ding dong!
00:18:28 Well, Maid Marion
00:18:30 So was Will Scarlet,
00:18:35 Still, the sooner we get home
00:18:38 We've started to affect history,
00:18:41 We've already wiped out
00:18:44 God only knows
00:18:57 My Lord Emperor,
00:19:00 The English have reached Waterloo.
00:19:03 - Good. Prepare to attack.
00:19:06 But first, I would like to ask,
00:19:09 why do we want
00:19:11 I mean, their wine is made
00:19:14 and their women
00:19:17 We invade, Darling, because
00:19:21 They think we French are sissies,
00:19:22 they call us weeds and whoopsies
00:19:25 With respect, my emperor,
00:19:29 We invented the tapestry, the soufflé
00:19:33 We will be slaughtered
00:19:36 Do not despair. It is my firm belief
00:19:40 He will intervene miraculously
00:19:42 and send us a glorious victory
00:19:46 Oh, bravo!
00:19:49 - Lovely uniform today, by the way.
00:20:01 The French are approaching.
00:20:03 Excellent, I've a superb plan
00:20:06 the complete destruction
00:20:09 Splendid. Tell me, and
00:20:12 Very well. The plan is...
00:20:13 God, I'm brilliant, I surprise myself
00:20:18 to allow the French within
00:20:22 And this is
00:20:24 - Yes?
00:20:27 Your Grace!
00:20:31 - The Duke of Wellington is dead!
00:20:35 Alas. Without the plan
00:20:41 Pardon me.
00:20:44 Thanks very much.
00:20:46 May as well try and win
00:20:51 Why don't we try
00:20:57 Well, fingers crossed.
00:21:03 - What can you see, Balders?
00:21:07 Excellent. The 1960s,
00:21:11 I might stay a while actually
00:21:15 Free love wouldn't make
00:21:18 I mean, what would a sheep
00:21:20 Not giris in skirts, my Lord,
00:21:23 Ah, Spandau Ballet, 1983.
00:21:26 I think not, my Lord.
00:21:32 Romans! We're still centuries out.
00:21:37 Although, I might just steal myself
00:21:42 Interesting. The machine seems to
00:21:46 - Just brilliant!
00:21:49 We're facing a hoard
00:21:51 with wild goats nesting in their
00:21:55 or to put it another way,
00:21:57 And how does our
00:22:00 intend to keep out
00:22:03 By building a 3 foot-high wall.
00:22:06 A terrifying obstacle,
00:22:09 as a little rabbit with the word
00:22:14 Oh, come now, centurion,
00:22:16 This wall is a terrific
00:22:19 You're surely not suggesting
00:22:22 could get the better
00:22:28 - Welcome, General.
00:22:33 Good to see you practising
00:22:54 - Did you hear that, Balders?
00:22:57 Back to Rome, at last.
00:23:00 I say, this is interesting.
00:23:02 There appears to be a large
00:23:07 Oh, that's not a hedge, Consul.
00:23:17 - Shall we run, my Lord?
00:23:23 Perhaps we could negotiate.
00:23:25 Last one there gets hacked to pieces
00:23:37 - Let's get home, Baldrick.
00:23:40 We're doomed to float though time
00:23:45 Oh, woe is me!
00:23:49 Shut up. There is one final thing
00:23:54 Or not.
00:23:58 - Raspberry flavoured, my Lord.
00:24:02 I'm going to spend the rest
00:24:06 with two toilets,
00:24:10 Wait, my Lord. Don't despair,
00:24:13 for I have a cunning plan.
00:24:19 - I'm not optimistic, Baldrick.
00:24:23 neither am I, my family have
00:24:26 So, with suitably low expectations,
00:24:31 Well, you know are when people drown,
00:24:36 Yes...
00:24:38 Well, if you stuck your head
00:24:41 and didn't bring it out again,
00:24:43 then your whole life
00:24:45 and you'd see where all the knobs
00:24:49 Then, if you pulled
00:24:53 just before you died,
00:24:57 - Baldrick.
00:25:00 Good plan, with perhaps just
00:25:13 - How's it going?
00:25:15 - I've just left nursery school.
00:25:25 I'm 25,
00:25:44 - Got it!
00:25:46 But I wish
00:25:52 Oh, yeah.
00:25:54 As we approach the end, my Lord,
00:25:56 what do you think we've
00:26:00 Good question, Baldrick.
00:26:03 buy you a stronger mouthwash
00:26:08 Oh, I don't know.
00:26:09 I suppose I've learnt that humans
00:26:13 some nice, some nasty,
00:26:16 there's always a Blackadder,
00:26:20 Yes, very profound, Baldrick.
00:26:21 - Also, it occurs to me...
00:26:24 If you're in the right place
00:26:29 has the power to go out
00:26:33 God, you really are as thick
00:26:37 that's been left out by some clot
00:26:41 that you couldn't unclot them
00:26:45 Aren't you Baldrick?
00:26:49 socio-economic things
00:26:52 Unless you're King
00:26:55 Yes, I suppose they can
00:26:57 But for the rest of us, all we can do
00:27:03 Which is what I intend
00:27:06 Hang on...
00:27:09 Did you see?
00:27:10 Good Lord, Blackadder,
00:27:12 Yes, everything went
00:27:15 I have in fact,
00:27:18 You surely don't expect us
00:27:21 Clearly that was all some sort of
00:27:24 On the contrary, Darling.
00:27:27 Well, bravo,
00:27:31 And as a little bonus, the crown
00:27:35 Oh, fine!
00:27:38 - It fits!
00:27:42 But tell me, all this stuff about
00:27:46 you must have had to be
00:27:48 Oh, I was, very careful.
00:27:49 So, Blackadder, tell us, did you
00:27:53 Well, yes actually. This belonged to,
00:27:59 Who?
00:28:00 - Robin Hood.
00:28:02 You'll have to do
00:28:05 Right. So you've never heard
00:28:08 No.
00:28:10 Well, this is the title page
00:28:13 signed by Shakespeare himself.
00:28:18 No, no, come on,
00:28:20 He's the fellow who invented
00:28:23 Yes, well I might have affected
00:28:28 Well, never mind, Blackadder.
00:28:31 So here's your 10,000 francs.
00:28:35 What do you mean, francs?
00:28:37 What do you mean,
00:28:41 Surely you mean 10,000 pounds.
00:28:44 Pounds? We haven't used those
00:28:47 not since the emperor Napoleon
00:28:50 Which reminds me,
00:28:52 Monsieur le Président will be
00:28:56 Are you coming?
00:28:58 No, I might just
00:29:01 No, don't go you have had any
00:29:05 After which, I'm going to do
00:29:10 Allons enfants de la patrie,
00:29:13 Right, that's it!
00:29:17 Come on, Balders,
00:29:27 I thought I'd drop in
00:29:29 You can't lose.
00:29:38 There's one question
00:29:40 - Yes?
00:29:45 Because I'm me.
00:29:49 - I'm a very big fan, Bill.
00:29:51 Keep up the good work.
00:30:01 Good Lord, Blackadder,
00:30:05 - Well, Bravo!
00:30:07 a front page of"Macbeth"
00:30:12 - Oh my God!
00:30:15 Well done, Blackadder.
00:30:17 But tell me, all this stuff about
00:30:21 you must have had to be
00:30:23 Oh, I was,
00:30:27 Intriguing thought, isn't it?
00:30:31 Imagine if Wellington had died
00:30:34 Or if someone hadn't invented
00:30:37 The tiniest thing can affect
00:30:41 Think what turmoil
00:30:45 Yes.
00:30:48 Could you excuse me
00:30:51 Yes, absolutely.
00:30:53 Why don't you just go upstairs
00:30:56 - I'll be back very very soon.
00:30:58 But hurry, Blackadder.
00:31:02 Don't worry, I'll be back.
00:31:06 Baldrick, I have
00:31:10 As cunning as a fox what used to be
00:31:13 at Oxford University
00:31:17 for the UN at the High Commissión
00:31:21 Yes, it is.
00:31:25 That's cunning.
00:31:31 Right, here goes.
00:31:32 And now excitement is reaching
00:31:35 as the final guest of honour
00:31:38 Many of the crowds have been here
00:31:41 waiting for this moment, and
00:31:45 as the great car sweeps into view,
00:31:50 the King himself,
00:31:53 Universally loved, 98%
00:31:58 And with him, his gorgeous new bride,
00:32:02 the nation's most famous beauty,
00:32:06 And here to greet them
00:32:08 unmarried of course, but now
00:32:12 The relationship between the king
00:32:15 particularly close nowadays since the
00:32:20 And what a partnership they've become,
00:32:25 into a prosperous