Blackadder The Cavalier Years

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00:00:01 BLACKADDER
00:00:33 - Baldrick!
00:00:36 Get me some mulled ale, will you?
00:00:39 How's the King, sir?
00:00:40 About as comfortable
00:00:43 ...for a man who's spending the winter
00:00:48 Do you think
00:00:50 Certainly not. I've assured him
00:00:53 ...as a fox being chased by a pack
00:00:59 Is that true?
00:01:00 Yes, of course it's true.
00:01:02 Have you ever known me
00:01:03 Yes.
00:01:06 - No.
00:01:09 He's absolutely safe as long as
00:01:13 You can trust me, sir.
00:01:17 Right, Baldrick,
00:01:19 If, by any freak chance, Cromwell
00:01:24 ...in the next 90 seconds,
00:01:26 - "The King is not hiding here."
00:01:33 # Greensleeves... #
00:01:35 Good evening, citizen.
00:01:38 I am Oliver Cromwell.
00:01:40 My men have surrounded your house,
00:01:45 Is the King hiding here?
00:01:59 No.
00:02:02 On pain of death and damnation,
00:02:07 Yes, I am.
00:02:10 I see.
00:02:11 Well then, my proud beauty,
00:02:16 you won't mind if my men
00:02:20 Men, come in from the cold,
00:02:24 Now, we'll all have a cup of milk
00:02:27 All right, but don't touch
00:02:30 - Why not?
00:02:40 Thank you, citizen. You may
00:02:44 Mr. Cromwell,
00:02:47 Don't get up. Don't get up.
00:02:51 I have, sir.
00:02:53 From country squire
00:02:56 Fascinating,
00:02:59 Tell me, what exactly
00:03:03 He spells your doom, sir.
00:03:06 He spells my doom? Wonderful!
00:03:09 ...because so many people these days
00:03:12 Particularly in the inner cities,
00:03:16 Speak, sir. But all your fine words
00:03:21 Jolly good! Fascinating!
00:03:24 A priest, sir. To help you make
00:03:30 - Oh, hello.
00:03:33 I've arranged for certain monies
00:03:37 Blackadder!
00:03:39 How dangerous and stupid...
00:03:41 ...and perverted!
00:03:45 Sire, this is a matter
00:03:47 Nonsense, Blackadder.
00:03:50 ...would bring in a verdict
00:03:53 Your Majesty,
00:03:56 So, what does it say?
00:04:00 I'll give you two guesses.
00:04:03 Not guilty.
00:04:05 One more guess.
00:04:11 Oh, damn!
00:04:13 One measly civil war
00:04:17 and I'm on the wrong bloody side!
00:04:21 Something wrong, sir?
00:04:23 Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies,
00:04:28 We will enter
00:04:30 They'll close all the theatres.
00:04:32 Lace handkerchiefs for men
00:04:36 And I won't be able to find
00:04:39 ...this side of Boulogne.
00:04:42 If they so much as suspect
00:04:44 our property will be forfeit
00:04:47 Oh, I love chops.
00:04:51 Baldrick, your brain...
00:04:54 ...is like the four-headed man-eating
00:05:00 - In what way?
00:05:04 - Oh, God. What will we do?
00:05:09 Not under Puritanism it won't.
00:05:12 We must do something.
00:05:15 We must do something, otherwise
00:05:19 What ant?
00:05:23 That one.
00:05:25 So this is the day
00:05:30 Absolutely not, Your Majesty.
00:05:34 ...have one final hurdle
00:05:37 Fascinating.
00:05:39 They will never find
00:05:42 They'd have hundreds of volunteers
00:05:46 He's got so many warts on his face...
00:05:48 ...it's only when he sneezes that
00:05:53 But they'll never find
00:05:55 Well, I find that absolutely tragic.
00:05:58 There are so many young people
00:06:03 All they need
00:06:06 I suppose, in a sense, that's what
00:06:10 - Really?
00:06:11 On the other hand, of course,
00:06:15 - It's a question of balance, like...
00:06:20 They'll never find an executioner.
00:06:22 may my conjugal dipstick
00:06:28 A message for the King.
00:06:41 # There's a tavern in the town... #
00:06:44 For God's sake, stop that Baldrick!
00:06:48 It's bad enough having one's life
00:06:51 ...by a moron with all the entertainment
00:06:57 I'm sorry, sir.
00:06:59 You see, I've just had
00:07:01 Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're
00:07:06 No, I mean
00:07:08 Really?
00:07:10 No, I ate that ages ago.
00:07:14 Yes, of course. Your thoughtful
00:07:18 No, it was 50 pounds actually,
00:07:21 But this is just a little something
00:07:24 Not the first time that there's been
00:07:28 - No, but this one is a job.
00:07:33 Where on earth did they find a man
00:07:37 so low and degraded
00:07:41 ...of beheading
00:07:49 - Baldrick?
00:07:52 - That little job that fell into your lap...
00:07:56 It wasn't by any chance
00:07:59 a little black mask
00:08:01 - No.
00:08:04 I couldn't find a basket.
00:08:06 You very small total bastard!
00:08:09 Please, sir, don't kill me. I have
00:08:13 Forgive me if I don't
00:08:15 Your family's record
00:08:18 ...is about as impressive
00:08:22 ...personal best in the
00:08:28 All right, what's the plan?
00:08:32 A pumpkin...
00:08:37 But over here, I have one
00:08:44 I'll balance it
00:08:48 Then I'll cover his real head
00:08:51 ...and then, when I execute him,
00:08:55 I'll cut off the pumpkin
00:09:01 - I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.
00:09:05 Because once you've cut it off
00:09:08 "This is the head of a traitor."
00:09:12 "No, it's a large pumpkin with
00:09:17 I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
00:09:19 It's not 1% convincing.
00:09:24 ...and I can't be bothered
00:09:26 Here's my fist, kindly run towards it
00:09:34 I just don't understand it.
00:09:38 I'm sorry, sir. It was just
00:09:43 I thought with the money I got
00:09:46 I could sneak out and buy a new king
00:09:50 ...and pop him back on the throne
00:09:53 Your head is as empty
00:09:58 You'd do anything for
00:10:01 It was a thousand pounds actually sir,
00:10:07 Well I suppose somebody's
00:10:09 And when it's gonna be done,
00:10:12 by someone
00:10:14 We don't want you hacking
00:10:16 ...with your cheap penknife
00:10:18 It would be so embarrassing
00:10:20 ...staggering around Hampton
00:10:22 ...with his neck flapping
00:10:26 - Sir, you don't mean?
00:10:29 Lend me your costume,
00:10:32 and inform him that Edmund Blackadder
00:10:36 And make sure you think up
00:10:40 So that's why
00:10:43 I see.
00:10:48 Sir, the moment has arrived.
00:10:53 I'm always absolutely fascinated
00:10:57 ...but yes, particularly
00:11:00 Well then, have a quick walk and talk
00:11:04 - and let's get on with it.
00:11:10 Well, I'm sorry, my friend.
00:11:14 I'd hoped that my loyal chum
00:11:19 but unfortunately his wife's sister's
00:11:26 So, naturally, he can't be with us.
00:11:30 All I can do is bid
00:11:34 Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
00:11:36 May I say
00:11:39 and bid you remember others
00:11:43 Thank you.
00:11:45 Sir Thomas More, for instance.
00:11:48 He apparently tipped
00:11:52 I'm so sorry,
00:11:57 Here you are.
00:12:00 - And then there was the Earl of Essex.
00:12:03 A truly great man.
00:12:05 They still sing his famous ballad
00:12:09 What ballad is that?
00:12:10 # The Earl he had a thousand
00:12:15 # He gave them all away
00:12:20 - A thousand sovereigns?
00:12:24 Very true.
00:12:27 Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:12:30 Just a moment!
00:12:32 That voice has
00:12:35 And so does that finger.
00:12:38 Blackadder!
00:12:40 Hello, Your Majesty!
00:12:42 You cunning swine!
00:12:45 Yes, well...
00:12:47 Marvellous! Splendid!
00:12:48 You've duped Cromwell and you've
00:12:53 ...to help me and my infant son
00:12:56 Yes, that's right. Yes.
00:12:58 So, let's put your cunning plan
00:13:03 Yes, let's...
00:13:07 - Well, you start the ball rolling.
00:13:11 Right... yes...
00:13:14 Oh, yes, right.
00:13:17 It's a staggering
00:13:22 - Is the King ready?
00:13:44 This is the head of a traitor.
00:13:46 No, it's not.
00:13:50 ...with a pathetic moustache
00:13:54 Oh yes, so it is. Sorry.
00:14:06 Well sir,
00:14:10 Now the future
00:14:12 ...lies fast asleep in your arms,
00:14:16 And with the money you've earned
00:14:20 Well, quite.
00:14:22 On the other hand, you can stay here
00:14:25 the Roundheads will come
00:14:28 Exactly, Baldrick.
00:14:30 - Oh, my God.
00:14:32 Oh no! We're surrounded!
00:14:35 At times like this Baldrick,
00:14:39 He must stand and fight and die
00:14:45 Unfortunately,
00:14:52 Thank God you've come!