|
Blackadder s Christmas Carol
|
| 00:00:01 |
Blackadder, Blackadder... |
| 00:00:04 |
In the reign of good Queen Vic, |
| 00:00:07 |
there stood, in Dumpling Lane |
| 00:00:10 |
the moustache shop |
| 00:00:14 |
the kindest and loveliest man |
| 00:00:21 |
# He's kind and generous to the sick |
| 00:00:26 |
# He'd never spread a nasty rumour |
| 00:00:31 |
# He never gets on people's wick |
| 00:00:37 |
# And doesn't laugh at toilet humour |
| 00:00:41 |
# Blackadder, Blackadder |
| 00:00:47 |
# He's sickeningly good |
| 00:00:52 |
# Blackadder, Blackadder |
| 00:00:57 |
# As nice as Christmas pud |
| 00:01:04 |
Humbug! Humbug! |
| 00:01:09 |
- Humbug, Mr Baldrick? |
| 00:01:14 |
I've got all the presents. |
| 00:01:16 |
And I've nearly finished |
| 00:01:18 |
Splendid, let me see. |
| 00:01:20 |
"A very messy Christmas. " |
| 00:01:22 |
I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick, |
| 00:01:25 |
"A merry messy Christmas"? |
| 00:01:26 |
All right, but the main thing |
| 00:01:30 |
Messy cake, soggy pudding, |
| 00:01:34 |
Yes... I fear, Mr Baldrick, |
| 00:01:37 |
that the only way you're likely |
| 00:01:40 |
indeed, any other time- is to make |
| 00:01:46 |
Be that as it may... |
| 00:01:50 |
"Christmas" has an "H" in it, Mr Baldrick. |
| 00:01:53 |
And an "R". |
| 00:01:55 |
Also an "I" and an "S", also a "T", |
| 00:02:02 |
Oh, and you've missed out |
| 00:02:05 |
Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! |
| 00:02:07 |
I think - you must be the |
| 00:02:09 |
...'Christmas' without getting |
| 00:02:12 |
Well, I was a bit rushed. |
| 00:02:14 |
I've been helping out with |
| 00:02:17 |
- Oh, of course! How did it go? |
| 00:02:20 |
At the last moment, |
| 00:02:23 |
Oh, dear, this high |
| 00:02:27 |
...when it comes to staging |
| 00:02:31 |
- What did you do? |
| 00:02:33 |
Thank goodness. His name? |
| 00:02:35 |
Spot. |
| 00:02:37 |
There weren't any more children, |
| 00:02:42 |
Oh, dear... I'm not convinced that |
| 00:02:45 |
...its firm grip over the hearts |
| 00:02:48 |
...if all Jesus had ever said was "Woof. " |
| 00:02:52 |
It went all right |
| 00:02:55 |
See, we hadn't been able to get any real |
| 00:02:59 |
...on some other dogs. |
| 00:03:01 |
Yeah, and the moment Jesus |
| 00:03:07 |
While the angel's singing |
| 00:03:10 |
Jesus scampers across |
| 00:03:12 |
...one of the sheep to |
| 00:03:17 |
Scarcely appropriate behaviour |
| 00:03:21 |
- Weren't the children upset? |
| 00:03:25 |
Oh, the playful young scamps, eh? |
| 00:03:29 |
Still what a lovely thought it is, |
| 00:03:31 |
at this moment, all over the country, |
| 00:03:34 |
from highest to lowest, |
| 00:03:35 |
through those charming plump folk |
| 00:03:38 |
everyone is enjoying Christmas. |
| 00:03:49 |
- What are you doing, Albert? |
| 00:03:52 |
Oh, yes, you are, |
| 00:03:56 |
- Tell me what you're doing. |
| 00:03:59 |
Really, woman |
| 00:04:01 |
you don't tell me |
| 00:04:03 |
So why should I tell you |
| 00:04:06 |
...wrapping up this cushion |
| 00:04:10 |
Dem! Now I have only |
| 00:04:14 |
Oh, dear Alby, don't worry, I don't mind. |
| 00:04:17 |
I do. I love surprises. |
| 00:04:21 |
Christmas without surprises |
| 00:04:28 |
Which is why I have brought you |
| 00:04:32 |
Dem! Dem! |
| 00:04:35 |
Darling Bobo, don't worry. |
| 00:04:40 |
- What? |
| 00:04:44 |
Yes, of course, the traditional |
| 00:04:49 |
What traditional Christmas adventure? |
| 00:04:51 |
You silly soldier! |
| 00:04:53 |
You know: when we disguise ourselves as |
| 00:04:57 |
...to reward the virtuous and the good. |
| 00:05:00 |
Yes, of course, Dummkopf, |
| 00:05:05 |
Das ist nicht ausgezeichnet! |
| 00:05:07 |
For it is for precisely |
| 00:05:09 |
...that I have bought |
| 00:05:12 |
this muff, which I'm going to |
| 00:05:15 |
Dem! Dem! Dem! |
| 00:05:22 |
Excellent! Excellent! |
| 00:05:24 |
Nuts, turkey and presents. |
| 00:05:27 |
What more could a man desire at Christmas |
| 00:05:29 |
Well a tree. |
| 00:05:31 |
Of course, I quite forgot. |
| 00:05:33 |
I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's |
| 00:05:36 |
...and, I think you'll agree, |
| 00:05:39 |
...on this special Christmas twig. |
| 00:05:45 |
- It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it? |
| 00:05:50 |
It's not what you've got, |
| 00:05:54 |
Besides, look: we've got a whole |
| 00:05:59 |
- How much is it? |
| 00:06:02 |
It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away |
| 00:06:06 |
Yes, but in the feeling good |
| 00:06:10 |
Yeah, I just wish we |
| 00:06:12 |
...in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and |
| 00:06:17 |
Well bless my ten toes, |
| 00:06:21 |
Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings |
| 00:06:25 |
Oh, Mr Blackadder! |
| 00:06:28 |
How can I be merry when we're so poor... |
| 00:06:30 |
we shall have nothing |
| 00:06:33 |
Except what Grandfather can scrape |
| 00:06:38 |
No goose for Tiny Tom this year! |
| 00:06:42 |
Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone |
| 00:06:48 |
If he eats any more heartily, |
| 00:06:52 |
Oh, pardon me, but, look, look, |
| 00:06:56 |
Ah, that box of matches |
| 00:07:01 |
- How much did they cost? |
| 00:07:04 |
Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that |
| 00:07:08 |
Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, |
| 00:07:12 |
So you don't want all the matches, then? |
| 00:07:16 |
You have the body of a weak woman, |
| 00:07:20 |
- Here, £17 pounds, then. |
| 00:07:24 |
And my best wishes |
| 00:07:30 |
So we had £17 and a penny, |
| 00:07:33 |
and we give Mrs Scratchit £17, |
| 00:07:37 |
Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick, |
| 00:07:44 |
£38, eight shillings and fourpence. |
| 00:07:48 |
Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is, |
| 00:07:53 |
Merry Christmas Eve, |
| 00:07:57 |
And to you, young urchin. |
| 00:07:58 |
A penny for Christmas cheer, |
| 00:08:01 |
Erm, well... |
| 00:08:04 |
Certainly, here. |
| 00:08:05 |
Er, going to buy |
| 00:08:07 |
...pie for yourself and |
| 00:08:09 |
Nah, sod that! |
| 00:08:13 |
They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em. |
| 00:08:17 |
Oh, well another year without profit. |
| 00:08:20 |
Still it is Christmas. |
| 00:08:22 |
And let us remember, Mr Baldrick, |
| 00:08:24 |
that be we as stony as a biblical execution, |
| 00:08:27 |
it's still the season of good cheer |
| 00:08:31 |
Nuts, turkey and presents. |
| 00:08:35 |
And my goddaughter, Millicent. |
| 00:08:38 |
Er, secure the ornaments, |
| 00:08:41 |
So we put all our presents |
| 00:08:45 |
A scarf for me, a pair of gloves |
| 00:08:50 |
Ah, Millicent! To what do |
| 00:08:53 |
I just thought I'd pop round, |
| 00:08:57 |
Well, you know, Christmas is a time |
| 00:09:02 |
It is indeed. And look, a lovely hat |
| 00:09:06 |
Oh, thanks. And look! A scarf |
| 00:09:12 |
That's not bad, I suppose. |
| 00:09:17 |
- Yes, jolly good. |
| 00:09:20 |
I thought perhaps I might come back |
| 00:09:23 |
Oh, what a splendid idea! |
| 00:09:25 |
It'll just be little me |
| 00:09:28 |
so cook two extra turkeys. |
| 00:09:30 |
Thanks for all the pressies. |
| 00:09:32 |
Why don't you take the flippin' tree?! |
| 00:09:34 |
Oh, you are sweet! |
| 00:09:38 |
Bye! |
| 00:09:40 |
Bye. My, what a jolly young girl! |
| 00:09:44 |
Pity she nicked all the presents. |
| 00:09:46 |
Yes, but I thought you and |
| 00:09:49 |
...with the turkey and this mountain |
| 00:09:54 |
Well peel my tangerines, |
| 00:09:57 |
- Back! |
| 00:09:59 |
Charmed, honoured |
| 00:10:01 |
Get back! |
| 00:10:04 |
Felicitous compliments |
| 00:10:08 |
Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men! |
| 00:10:11 |
Indeed, indeed! And what |
| 00:10:14 |
Well, I don't think |
| 00:10:16 |
as a matter of fact. |
| 00:10:18 |
Luckily you're here to cover up |
| 00:10:21 |
They're looking forward |
| 00:10:22 |
perhaps bringing a |
| 00:10:24 |
Surely not another totally |
| 00:10:28 |
"God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"? |
| 00:10:30 |
Not for me to say, sir. |
| 00:10:31 |
All I can say is that |
| 00:10:33 |
except sadly we've managed to polish off |
| 00:10:38 |
What luck! As fate would have it, |
| 00:10:43 |
No, sir! No, sir, |
| 00:10:44 |
...take them from you! |
| 00:10:45 |
- Is this all is it? |
| 00:10:48 |
It'll have to do, then. |
| 00:10:52 |
Well what a jolly fellow! |
| 00:10:54 |
Looked like a fat git to me. |
| 00:10:57 |
Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't |
| 00:11:02 |
Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, |
| 00:11:05 |
and inside you'll probably find a... |
| 00:11:07 |
...thin git. |
| 00:11:09 |
Those orphans were a bit fat, too. |
| 00:11:12 |
There's some truth there. |
| 00:11:13 |
Certainly, when I go and visit them, |
| 00:11:17 |
...for fear of bursting one of them... |
| 00:11:20 |
...and getting showered |
| 00:11:25 |
But what of it? |
| 00:11:27 |
At least we've still got our turkey. |
| 00:11:30 |
And who knows, |
| 00:11:33 |
so, maybe, if we screw up |
| 00:11:36 |
...and pray to the big |
| 00:11:38 |
someone will come |
| 00:11:41 |
- Come on. |
| 00:11:47 |
- See! |
| 00:11:55 |
Good evening, |
| 00:11:57 |
Good evening. We have come here on a mission |
| 00:12:02 |
Good heavens! |
| 00:12:04 |
We have heard many stories |
| 00:12:08 |
Well one tries. |
| 00:12:09 |
- So please... |
| 00:12:12 |
Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door. |
| 00:12:15 |
Ah, well, |
| 00:12:18 |
but I'm afraid |
| 00:12:20 |
Surely you must have something... |
| 00:12:22 |
Oh, Albert! |
| 00:12:27 |
We've only got a turkey, see. |
| 00:12:29 |
That sounds ideal. |
| 00:12:30 |
- Aw... |
| 00:12:33 |
Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey. |
| 00:12:37 |
I detect from your accent sir, |
| 00:12:41 |
Ah... Nein. |
| 00:12:44 |
I am from Glasgow. |
| 00:12:48 |
Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals. |
| 00:12:51 |
Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too. |
| 00:12:57 |
Bye-bye, birdy. |
| 00:12:59 |
- Well done indeed. Good evening. |
| 00:13:03 |
If I run into Mr and Mrs Gorbal, |
| 00:13:12 |
Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks |
| 00:13:16 |
Don't you worry, I'm hanging my sock up |
| 00:13:21 |
I guarantee, |
| 00:13:23 |
...that'll stop Santa |
| 00:13:26 |
it's your sock waiting for him. |
| 00:13:30 |
If I don't hang my sock out, |
| 00:13:33 |
If you do hang your sock out, |
| 00:13:36 |
Santa will be dead |
| 00:13:40 |
- Don't you have any other socks? |
| 00:13:43 |
Don't worry about, my dear fellow, |
| 00:13:47 |
I'm off to bed. |
| 00:13:51 |
- Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. |
| 00:13:53 |
By the way - I forgot to mention: |
| 00:13:57 |
there was this enormous ghostly |
| 00:14:01 |
"Beware, for tonight you shall receive |
| 00:14:06 |
I just thought I'd mention it. |
| 00:14:10 |
It come through the wall |
| 00:14:17 |
- Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. |
| 00:14:45 |
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. |
| 00:14:47 |
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. |
| 00:14:52 |
Whoo-oo. Whoop! |
| 00:14:56 |
- Can I help? |
| 00:15:00 |
I just popped in to say hello'. |
| 00:15:03 |
Just doing my usual rounds, |
| 00:15:06 |
getting misers to change their evil ways. |
| 00:15:08 |
But you're obviously |
| 00:15:11 |
there'll be no need for |
| 00:15:13 |
so I'll just say 'cheery-bye'. |
| 00:15:16 |
Well, can I get you |
| 00:15:19 |
You wouldn't have anything |
| 00:15:22 |
I see. I've only got some |
| 00:15:27 |
Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh? |
| 00:15:31 |
Huh. Mmm. |
| 00:15:35 |
Delicious. |
| 00:15:38 |
Well, this is a nice change |
| 00:15:40 |
You know that old fellow |
| 00:15:44 |
I caught him trying |
| 00:15:45 |
...on his heating bills |
| 00:15:47 |
...as a draught excluder. |
| 00:15:51 |
Oh, dear, old people today! |
| 00:15:53 |
Tut! |
| 00:15:55 |
Tell me: How do you get them |
| 00:15:58 |
Well, it's all visions these days. |
| 00:15:59 |
We used to use |
| 00:16:01 |
but the visions |
| 00:16:04 |
- What sort of thing? |
| 00:16:07 |
With some people, it's just a glimpse |
| 00:16:10 |
...at school behind the pennyfarthing sheds. |
| 00:16:12 |
Er, some other people, well, |
| 00:16:14 |
we just show them how |
| 00:16:16 |
Of course, |
| 00:16:18 |
it would have to be the |
| 00:16:20 |
...with a break and ice creams. |
| 00:16:24 |
- That bad, were they? |
| 00:16:27 |
Stinkers to a man. |
| 00:16:31 |
Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. |
| 00:16:42 |
Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull |
| 00:16:48 |
- It'll be ever so exciting. |
| 00:16:54 |
Yes, terrifying. |
| 00:16:57 |
Look. There's a surprise present |
| 00:17:00 |
It's a novelty death warrant |
| 00:17:05 |
- Oh, just what I've always wanted. |
| 00:17:09 |
- It's nothing really. |
| 00:17:12 |
No, it's really nothing. |
| 00:17:15 |
I spent all my cash |
| 00:17:18 |
She better bloody like it. |
| 00:17:21 |
That woman's about as subtle |
| 00:17:26 |
Door! |
| 00:17:30 |
Good morning, Your Majesty. |
| 00:17:33 |
- Don't you just love it? |
| 00:17:36 |
- In fact, I've just abolished it. |
| 00:17:40 |
I'm going to block up the chimneys, |
| 00:17:44 |
...and kill anyone I see carrying a present. |
| 00:17:47 |
Oh! |
| 00:17:49 |
- What's that, Edmund? |
| 00:17:54 |
- It's a window. |
| 00:17:57 |
Yes, but you seem to have one here, |
| 00:18:02 |
Ohh. |
| 00:18:05 |
Well so much for that. |
| 00:18:08 |
Ow! |
| 00:18:12 |
Ah, Melchett. |
| 00:18:15 |
Greetings! I trust that Christmas |
| 00:18:18 |
...of good food and violent stomach cramp. |
| 00:18:21 |
And compliments |
| 00:18:24 |
May the yuletide log slip from your fire |
| 00:18:29 |
I'm glad I saw you. |
| 00:18:32 |
...that the Queen has banned Christmas, |
| 00:18:34 |
so I wouldn't get her |
| 00:18:36 |
I'm indebted to you for that advice |
| 00:18:41 |
The day I get my brain replaced |
| 00:18:45 |
- Ha! Got him with my subtle plan. |
| 00:18:50 |
You wouldn't see a subtle plan |
| 00:18:53 |
...and danced naked on a harpsichord... |
| 00:18:55 |
...singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again. " |
| 00:19:00 |
It's what we call a double-bluff. |
| 00:19:01 |
Melchett will undoubtedly |
| 00:19:04 |
go and get an enormous present, |
| 00:19:08 |
What? He'll turn into a duck? |
| 00:19:12 |
Yes. |
| 00:19:16 |
Pity about this, Tinky Wink. |
| 00:19:22 |
I know. |
| 00:19:25 |
Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out |
| 00:19:29 |
...and then scoffing it... |
| 00:19:31 |
...because I was a princess |
| 00:19:35 |
And wondering if your father's wife |
| 00:19:39 |
...without having her head cut off. |
| 00:19:42 |
We knew if he gave her a hat |
| 00:19:46 |
- Happy days! |
| 00:19:53 |
Ah, boys, welcome back! |
| 00:19:57 |
But, Melchett, what have you got |
| 00:20:01 |
It's not a present, is it? |
| 00:20:03 |
A present, Majesty? But of course! |
| 00:20:06 |
You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder. |
| 00:20:09 |
Am I? |
| 00:20:11 |
That's fab! I love presents. |
| 00:20:15 |
For a moment, I took against Christmas, |
| 00:20:18 |
but I'm completely dippy about it again. |
| 00:20:20 |
In fact, I'd like to marry you. |
| 00:20:23 |
If you weren't as unattractive as |
| 00:20:28 |
Oh, pish, Majesty! |
| 00:20:31 |
Anyway, to reward you, |
| 00:20:35 |
Fancy a castle? |
| 00:20:36 |
- Windsor, Majesty? |
| 00:20:39 |
- Duke of Kent? |
| 00:20:41 |
A devilish saucy wife would be fun. |
| 00:20:44 |
- Lady Jane Pottle. |
| 00:20:48 |
I think she's Blackadder's girl |
| 00:20:50 |
but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky? |
| 00:20:52 |
No, of course not, ma'am. |
| 00:20:54 |
And perhaps Lord Melchett |
| 00:20:57 |
...through the streets |
| 00:20:59 |
Oh, I don't think we need |
| 00:21:02 |
Oh, too kind. |
| 00:21:03 |
No, Aylesbury's quite |
| 00:21:06 |
Super. Well done, Melchy. |
| 00:21:08 |
Now, Blackadder, what have you got me? |
| 00:21:11 |
- Erm... |
| 00:21:14 |
Give me something nice and shiny. |
| 00:21:16 |
And if you don't, I've got |
| 00:21:19 |
and it's called an axe! |
| 00:21:20 |
- Erm, well... |
| 00:21:23 |
Any last requests, |
| 00:21:25 |
before I chop your block off and |
| 00:21:28 |
Erm, well there is one, actually, ma'am. |
| 00:21:32 |
You know how I've always been |
| 00:21:36 |
I was wondering |
| 00:21:39 |
...to keep me company |
| 00:21:43 |
- Oh, all right. |
| 00:21:45 |
And Lord Melchett. Just there. Thank you. |
| 00:21:49 |
- Oh, dear me! |
| 00:21:53 |
Why, this piece of paper |
| 00:21:56 |
...turns out to be |
| 00:21:59 |
Oops! |
| 00:22:02 |
And I can't go back on |
| 00:22:04 |
...the whole basis of |
| 00:22:07 |
I fear not. |
| 00:22:09 |
- Is there a name on it? |
| 00:22:13 |
Oh, I can't read |
| 00:22:16 |
"Lord Melchett. " Lord Melchett, that's it. |
| 00:22:18 |
Ma'am, it's a trick! You've been tricked. |
| 00:22:21 |
Oh, good! |
| 00:22:23 |
Christmas is a time for tricks |
| 00:22:28 |
Tell you what, that's so brilliant. |
| 00:22:33 |
You're very kind, ma'am. |
| 00:22:37 |
I suppose that means that everything |
| 00:22:42 |
I suppose it does. |
| 00:22:45 |
Merry Christmas, ma'am. |
| 00:22:50 |
Good Lord! |
| 00:22:54 |
Horrible, eh? What a pig! |
| 00:22:56 |
Yes, but clearly quite a clever, |
| 00:22:59 |
But no, as you say, |
| 00:23:03 |
You're a great improvement on them all. |
| 00:23:06 |
Them? |
| 00:23:08 |
Oh, yes. |
| 00:23:17 |
Right, Balders. |
| 00:23:19 |
I'm sick of getting no presents |
| 00:23:22 |
So this is the plan: |
| 00:23:26 |
and when he gets bored and asks for a story, |
| 00:23:28 |
you come out here, stick |
| 00:23:30 |
and then knock on the door. |
| 00:23:31 |
- I'll take it from there. |
| 00:23:34 |
Yes, well, you certainly will |
| 00:23:38 |
Hurrah! Welcome, lads! |
| 00:23:42 |
Christmas sherry and charades |
| 00:23:46 |
I mean, for Heaven's sake, what can I do |
| 00:23:49 |
I cannot conceive, sir. |
| 00:23:52 |
Yes, well, there's that, I suppose. |
| 00:23:55 |
I'd ask old Horatio here, |
| 00:23:57 |
So it's, er, what, it's the little monkey |
| 00:24:00 |
- It is indeed. |
| 00:24:03 |
OK. Off you go, Baldrick. |
| 00:24:07 |
- It's a book. |
| 00:24:09 |
I didn't think you'd get it "that" quickly. |
| 00:24:10 |
Yes, I must say that was damn clever. |
| 00:24:13 |
Another great Christmas tradition. |
| 00:24:15 |
Explaining the rules eight times |
| 00:24:19 |
The round hasn't started yet. |
| 00:24:22 |
For instance, |
| 00:24:24 |
then I go like that to indicate |
| 00:24:27 |
- Two what? |
| 00:24:31 |
"Two silly bulls"? |
| 00:24:35 |
I can remember |
| 00:24:37 |
but, as I recall, that was |
| 00:24:39 |
Ah-ha, yah, is it Noah's Ark? |
| 00:24:42 |
With the two pigs, |
| 00:24:46 |
- Two syll-a-bles? |
| 00:24:49 |
We're getting confused. |
| 00:24:52 |
No, let's not. I think the whole game's |
| 00:24:55 |
How about a Christmas story, instead? |
| 00:24:57 |
What a good idea sir. |
| 00:25:01 |
There's a limit to how long |
| 00:25:03 |
...can blot out the aroma |
| 00:25:07 |
Don't forget the dress |
| 00:25:10 |
- Sir, shall I begin the Christmas story? |
| 00:25:14 |
As long as it's not that |
| 00:25:16 |
...about the chap who |
| 00:25:19 |
shoots his mouth off about |
| 00:25:21 |
and then comes a cropper |
| 00:25:24 |
...on top of a hill |
| 00:25:26 |
- You mean, Jesus? |
| 00:25:30 |
Keep him out of it - he always spoils |
| 00:25:33 |
Certainly, Sir. Instead, I shall |
| 00:25:36 |
Ah! Oh, my God, I've gone blind! Blind! |
| 00:25:42 |
That's better. |
| 00:25:44 |
As I was saying, this is a story |
| 00:25:48 |
This is more like it. What? |
| 00:25:50 |
Good looking, lovely hair |
| 00:25:53 |
...like an exceptionally |
| 00:25:55 |
- Exactly. |
| 00:25:59 |
It's a tale about him and a sad, |
| 00:26:03 |
...who's dying of cold |
| 00:26:07 |
- Not a comedy, then? |
| 00:26:10 |
And when she thought |
| 00:26:12 |
and that she would die |
| 00:26:14 |
...and be swept up on Boxing Day morning, |
| 00:26:17 |
mistaken for a huge dirty handkerchief... |
| 00:26:21 |
...then she knocked on the door |
| 00:26:26 |
who gave her all his massive |
| 00:26:30 |
and she lived happily ever after. |
| 00:26:37 |
Oh, by Satan's sausage, |
| 00:26:42 |
! I'm quite moved to tears, |
| 00:26:44 |
Oh, good. |
| 00:26:47 |
I wonder who that could be. |
| 00:26:50 |
On a cold, dark, |
| 00:26:53 |
Could be a robin. |
| 00:26:55 |
Why sir, |
| 00:26:57 |
it is a sad, lonely old |
| 00:27:00 |
Shall I fling her |
| 00:27:02 |
saying that there is |
| 00:27:04 |
...for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired, |
| 00:27:08 |
No, Blackadder, you swine, bring her in! |
| 00:27:14 |
- The trolley's a nice touch, Baldrick. |
| 00:27:17 |
You've found Georgy-Porgy, |
| 00:27:20 |
Thank you, sir. |
| 00:27:23 |
Shall I show her |
| 00:27:25 |
to make sure she doesn't steal |
| 00:27:27 |
- No, no. Tell her to take it. |
| 00:27:32 |
Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph. |
| 00:27:35 |
Baldrick? Baldrick! |
| 00:27:38 |
Sorry, Mr B. I was just showing |
| 00:27:44 |
- Are we ready yet, sir? |
| 00:27:47 |
I answered the door and it was |
| 00:27:51 |
- So I let her in. |
| 00:27:54 |
Something wrong, Mr B? |
| 00:27:56 |
No, don't worry - |
| 00:27:59 |
...with the mental agility |
| 00:28:02 |
- Sorry, Mr B. |
| 00:28:04 |
It's not your fault. |
| 00:28:07 |
Still I fear for a frail, elderly woman... |
| 00:28:12 |
...laden with valuables, travelling through |
| 00:28:16 |
- Yes, she's not safe, sir. |
| 00:28:25 |
- Very amusing! |
| 00:28:27 |
The wigs. Very amusing wigs. |
| 00:28:32 |
But... But he actually got the presents. |
| 00:28:36 |
Y... Y... Yes. |
| 00:28:38 |
So there is something |
| 00:28:42 |
Er, technically... |
| 00:28:45 |
But that's not the point, |
| 00:28:46 |
It's the soul, the soul. |
| 00:28:49 |
As a matter of interest, what would |
| 00:28:53 |
Erm... Heavens! Is that the time? |
| 00:28:56 |
I'd love to see Christmas Future. |
| 00:28:58 |
No, no, no, it's terribly melodramatic. |
| 00:29:00 |
Look, just show it, please. |
| 00:29:03 |
All right. Whoo-oo. |
| 00:29:09 |
Hail, Queen Asphyxia, |
| 00:29:14 |
And hail to you, |
| 00:29:18 |
I summon you here to groupgreet |
| 00:29:24 |
Approach, Grand Admiral |
| 00:29:28 |
...and Lord of the |
| 00:29:32 |
Morning. |
| 00:29:34 |
To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed |
| 00:29:40 |
this much greeting. |
| 00:29:42 |
I, too, Bold Navigator, |
| 00:29:44 |
cringe my dribblies |
| 00:29:47 |
That won't be necessary, |
| 00:29:49 |
Approach, your slave, Baldrick. |
| 00:30:00 |
For God's sake, |
| 00:30:01 |
if you're going to wear |
| 00:30:03 |
at least keep your legs together. |
| 00:30:06 |
Wilco, skipper. |
| 00:30:09 |
Majesties, I give you this much greeting. |
| 00:30:12 |
- What news of the foul Marmidons? |
| 00:30:16 |
And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five? |
| 00:30:19 |
Have they been suckcreamed |
| 00:30:23 |
They're dead, |
| 00:30:25 |
Plus, Commander, did you |
| 00:30:28 |
No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not |
| 00:30:32 |
because you just made them up. |
| 00:30:34 |
Damn it! |
| 00:30:35 |
Excellent, Commander. |
| 00:30:38 |
You have most pleasantly |
| 00:30:42 |
Bring forth the gift |
| 00:30:46 |
Majesties, from a place |
| 00:30:50 |
I bring you this. |
| 00:30:53 |
Oh, lovely, an ashtray. |
| 00:30:56 |
Come, Majesty, he wastes our time. |
| 00:30:58 |
I yearn to attend "20,000 years |
| 00:31:03 |
- Send him to the sprouting chamber! |
| 00:31:07 |
- What is it, Commander? |
| 00:31:16 |
Now, Your Majesty, |
| 00:31:19 |
...that you hand over to me |
| 00:31:23 |
sew a button on my spare uniform, |
| 00:31:28 |
I thought you'd never ask. |
| 00:31:33 |
Ha, ha. So let's get this straight. |
| 00:31:35 |
If I was bad, my descendants |
| 00:31:40 |
Maybe, maybe. |
| 00:31:43 |
Being ruler of the universe |
| 00:31:46 |
There's the long hours... I mean, |
| 00:31:48 |
you're no longer your own boss. |
| 00:31:51 |
But, but, so, what if I stayed good? |
| 00:31:55 |
Ah, well, I really must |
| 00:31:57 |
I've got four hauntings... |
| 00:31:58 |
...and a scare-the-bugger-to-death |
| 00:32:01 |
- Whoo-oo. |
| 00:32:06 |
Hail, Queen Asphyxia, |
| 00:32:11 |
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid. |
| 00:32:15 |
I summon you here to groupgreet |
| 00:32:21 |
Approach, Grand Admiral |
| 00:32:25 |
...and Lord of the |
| 00:32:30 |
- Hail. |
| 00:32:38 |
- What's his name? |
| 00:32:42 |
No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells, |
| 00:32:46 |
what news of the foul Marmidons? |
| 00:32:48 |
- Good news... |
| 00:32:50 |
...for the Marmidons. |
| 00:32:53 |
They wiped out our entire army. |
| 00:32:56 |
Sorry; I got a bit confused and |
| 00:33:00 |
Silence, squidling. |
| 00:33:03 |
Bring forth the gift |
| 00:33:06 |
Oh, damn, I forgot |
| 00:33:10 |
So one way, it's glory everlasting, |
| 00:33:13 |
the other, it's wearing |
| 00:33:17 |
Well, it's not as simplistic, |
| 00:33:18 |
but it does at least |
| 00:33:20 |
- Namely? |
| 00:33:24 |
...the rewards of virtue |
| 00:33:26 |
but all the better for it. |
| 00:33:28 |
You don't think it points |
| 00:33:31 |
...bad guys |
| 00:33:34 |
No! No! |
| 00:33:34 |
The rewards of virtue are |
| 00:33:37 |
Picture it. |
| 00:33:39 |
Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone. |
| 00:33:42 |
A Bible. |
| 00:33:46 |
Oh, well that makes all the difference! |
| 00:33:49 |
- So you're going to be a good boy, then? |
| 00:33:53 |
Would I lie to you? |
| 00:33:57 |
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo. |
| 00:33:59 |
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo. |
| 00:34:08 |
Mr Blackadder. |
| 00:34:13 |
Looks like Father Christmas |
| 00:34:17 |
Dear me, but don't be too unhappy, |
| 00:34:21 |
there's something |
| 00:34:23 |
In fact, it's something I made for you. |
| 00:34:26 |
That's the kind of pressie |
| 00:34:29 |
What have you made for me, Mr B? |
| 00:34:30 |
I've made you... a fist. |
| 00:34:34 |
- A fist? |
| 00:34:37 |
What's wonderful about it |
| 00:34:41 |
...and again... |
| 00:34:42 |
...and again. |
| 00:34:45 |
- Well what do you say? |
| 00:34:49 |
Think nothing of it. |
| 00:34:55 |
Oi! Gitface! How about |
| 00:34:58 |
Hark, do I hear the voice |
| 00:35:09 |
No, I must have imagined it. |
| 00:35:13 |
Shall I get that? |
| 00:35:15 |
No, leave them in the snow |
| 00:35:18 |
I'll only be about 40 minutes. |
| 00:35:24 |
Door. |
| 00:35:28 |
Compliments of the season, sir. |
| 00:35:29 |
We have come to |
| 00:35:31 |
...to make you a gift of a |
| 00:35:35 |
# God bless Mr B at Christmas time |
| 00:35:38 |
# If we were little pigs we'd sing |
| 00:35:42 |
# Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy |
| 00:35:45 |
# Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo |
| 00:35:48 |
# Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy |
| 00:35:54 |
- Utter crap. |
| 00:35:57 |
- Do we get a Christmas treat now? |
| 00:36:00 |
- What is it? |
| 00:36:02 |
Here you are. |
| 00:36:05 |
Oh, Mr B! You can't send |
| 00:36:08 |
...with nothing but a small pudding! |
| 00:36:09 |
How right you are, Baldrick. Door. |
| 00:36:14 |
Thank you. |
| 00:36:20 |
- You know what I'm hoping? |
| 00:36:23 |
I'm hoping that this is all |
| 00:36:25 |
and, in a moment, you're going to go |
| 00:36:29 |
Close your eyes, Baldrick. |
| 00:36:33 |
Yo, ho, ho. |
| 00:36:37 |
- Cooee. |
| 00:36:40 |
My dear Millicent, |
| 00:36:43 |
And she seems to have brought |
| 00:36:48 |
Who, my dear, |
| 00:36:49 |
is the huge halibut |
| 00:36:51 |
I think it's me. |
| 00:36:54 |
- This is Ralph, he's my fiancé. |
| 00:37:00 |
Oh, dear. |
| 00:37:02 |
Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, |
| 00:37:06 |
One massively disappointing bang |
| 00:37:13 |
Shut up. |
| 00:37:15 |
Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened? |
| 00:37:18 |
You've changed from |
| 00:37:20 |
...into the horridest man in the world. |
| 00:37:23 |
I was thinking the same thing myself. |
| 00:37:25 |
When spoken to. |
| 00:37:27 |
I would explain, |
| 00:37:28 |
but I fear that you wouldn't understand, |
| 00:37:30 |
blessed as you are with a head that is |
| 00:37:36 |
As for you: Are you sure that |
| 00:37:39 |
...in the manner to |
| 00:37:41 |
Oh, yes, absolutely. |
| 00:37:44 |
Oh, splendid! |
| 00:37:47 |
Congratulations. |
| 00:37:52 |
Out! |
| 00:37:59 |
Baldrick, I want you |
| 00:38:01 |
and buy a turkey |
| 00:38:03 |
...you'd think its mother |
| 00:38:08 |
I'm going to have a party, |
| 00:38:11 |
- Cooee! |
| 00:38:14 |
Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you |
| 00:38:19 |
Or had found me a little fowl |
| 00:38:23 |
I have always found you foul, |
| 00:38:27 |
As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, |
| 00:38:29 |
he can stuff it up his enormous |
| 00:38:33 |
- But he's a cripple. |
| 00:38:36 |
Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts" |
| 00:38:42 |
It did, actually. |
| 00:38:44 |
However, if you want |
| 00:38:48 |
It's a pound a lump and, as luck |
| 00:38:51 |
- Thank you. |
| 00:38:54 |
If I was you I'd scoop him out |
| 00:39:02 |
Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness? |
| 00:39:06 |
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks. |
| 00:39:11 |
Get that, and whoever it is, |
| 00:39:14 |
how about I'll slam your face in the door. |
| 00:39:18 |
Hello, small dwarf fellow. |
| 00:39:20 |
Is this the house of |
| 00:39:22 |
...and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder? |
| 00:39:25 |
- Well Mr Blackadder lives here. |
| 00:39:28 |
Because we have a wunderbar secret. |
| 00:39:30 |
What secret? |
| 00:39:32 |
If I told you we're going to give him |
| 00:39:36 |
then it would no longer be a secret. |
| 00:39:38 |
Dem, I'm so stupid! Dem! |
| 00:39:40 |
- What would no longer be a secret? |
| 00:39:45 |
What? All three of you? |
| 00:39:48 |
My dear little hobgoblin, |
| 00:39:53 |
We have come |
| 00:39:57 |
...and the title of Baron Blackadder |
| 00:40:02 |
Lumme, Your Majesty. |
| 00:40:04 |
Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do... |
| 00:40:06 |
...if you didn't slam the door |
| 00:40:09 |
But, Mr Blackadder... Ow! |
| 00:40:12 |
I'm not at home to guests. |
| 00:40:22 |
I flatter myself |
| 00:40:26 |
Of course, I must apologise. |
| 00:40:30 |
It's rarely one receives a Christmas visit |
| 00:40:34 |
Ah, so you recognise us at last. |
| 00:40:37 |
Yes, unless I'm mistaken, |
| 00:40:39 |
...of the Round Britain Shortest, |
| 00:40:45 |
And to be accompanied |
| 00:40:48 |
Stupidest Accent Award |
| 00:40:51 |
- I cannot believe... |
| 00:40:55 |
This is the Victorian age, where, |
| 00:40:57 |
apart from Queen Piglet Features herself, |
| 00:40:59 |
women and children are |
| 00:41:02 |
Queen Piglet Features! |
| 00:41:03 |
Yes! Empress Oink, as lads call her. |
| 00:41:07 |
The only person in the kingdom |
| 00:41:09 |
...is that stupid frankfurter of a husband. |
| 00:41:12 |
The Pig and the Prig we call them. |
| 00:41:15 |
How they ever managed to produce |
| 00:41:20 |
The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace... |
| 00:41:22 |
...must be copiously supplied |
| 00:41:24 |
Sir, we've never been |
| 00:41:27 |
Well all I can say is, |
| 00:41:33 |
Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent. |
| 00:41:36 |
All the riff-raff and |
| 00:41:38 |
...and gargantuan quantities |
| 00:41:42 |
Here, have a wishbone. |
| 00:41:47 |
I wish there was some meat on this. |
| 00:41:50 |
Those last two were particularly satisfying. |
| 00:41:52 |
It felt like having a go |
| 00:41:55 |
It was the real Queen and Prince Albert. |
| 00:41:57 |
Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick. |
| 00:42:00 |
She come to visit you to reward you |
| 00:42:05 |
...by giving you £50,000 |
| 00:42:08 |
It couldn't have been the Queen |
| 00:42:12 |
she leaves her Royal Seal. |
| 00:42:14 |
- What? Like this one? |
| 00:42:45 |
# Blackadder, Blackadder |
| 00:42:50 |
# Dee dum, dee dum, dee dum |
| 00:42:55 |
# Blackadder, Blackadder |
| 00:43:00 |
# Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum |
| 00:43:05 |
# Blackadder, Blackadder |
| 00:43:10 |
# Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum |
