Breafast On Pluto

en
00:01:12 You can throw a fast one.
00:01:23 How about it, kitten?
00:01:27 Oh, why, yes, of course, boys.
00:01:29 I'll leave the front door open,
00:01:35 Not up to it, then?
00:01:36 You innocent, shovel-wielding,
00:01:41 Not many people are, munchkin.
00:01:44 Not many people can take the tale
00:01:48 a.k.a. Saint Kitten...
00:01:50 who strutted the catwalks,
00:01:54 as, "Oh!" she shrieked,
00:01:59 I was born, you see, munchkin...
00:02:01 in a small town near the Irish border.
00:02:04 I was left in a basket on a certain doorstep...
00:02:08 and only the robins knew why.
00:02:10 Oh, but then,
00:02:13 Those red-breasted busybodies.
00:02:16 Every secret
00:02:41 Uh-oh, behind you
00:02:51 This looks like trouble
00:02:58 Oh dear!
00:03:02 Let's go
00:03:50 Robins! Would you believe it, Father?
00:03:53 I suppose it's Christmas morning, after all.
00:03:57 Is your breakfast all right?
00:04:01 Well, I'll get ready for Mass, so. God bless.
00:04:06 God bless.
00:04:14 He hasn't been himself lately, so.
00:04:18 -No, he hasn't been himself at all...
00:04:23 The one that looked like the film star...
00:04:27 Mitzi Gaynor!
00:04:41 -Just the job.
00:04:43 -Cutex coral pink.
00:04:46 What a charming atmosphere you have here.
00:04:49 -Do you mind?
00:04:51 -Thank you.
00:04:54 The love seat? Why not?
00:04:58 Mr. Lovejoy will see you in a moment.
00:05:01 He's just congratulating
00:05:04 -How very encouraging.
00:05:06 Perhaps you'd like a glass of champers?
00:05:08 -Champers? Now you're talking.
00:05:11 -a piece of wedding cake?
00:05:16 Mr. Steed?
00:05:19 My good shoes!
00:05:22 Do it harder, Mammy.
00:05:25 He'll make a disgrace of us? Well, you'll not!
00:05:28 Do you really have to?
00:05:29 I'll march you up and down the street
00:05:33 Promise?
00:05:34 Hit him with it, Ma!
00:05:36 -Say, "I am not a girl."
00:05:38 -"I am a boy. I'm not a girl."
00:05:41 Say it right.
00:05:43 Make him say it right, Ma.
00:05:44 My heart broke
00:05:49 A short one by Gareth Carey,
00:05:52 Tony Haddon, 40 yards out now, from the....
00:05:54 Off he goes then,
00:05:57 And coming, Alfred Whitney.
00:05:59 Well down over his eyes is Nick Brady.
00:06:01 The ball comes over.
00:06:03 Reid Morgan gets the 35-yard....
00:06:04 Brother Barnabas says he'll try you
00:06:07 and I want you to read this.
00:06:08 Heading high and to the right,
00:06:11 It's gone over the bar
00:06:14 Paddy Gardy.
00:06:18 The first goal of the game.
00:06:20 It had a curl on it, and one had to wait
00:06:24 as to whether it was in or not. It was.
00:06:26 And I call my mother names.
00:06:27 Well, you know,
00:06:31 What do you call her?
00:06:33 Hairy Arse.
00:06:35 Hairy Arse and Bockedy Hole.
00:06:50 -Stay where you are! You must not proceed.
00:06:53 You must not curse.
00:06:57 Holy fuck!
00:06:58 You've been warned, earthling.
00:07:01 No, Dalek, please.
00:07:08 -Sausages, sausages, stay where you are.
00:07:13 -Lawrence, come on.
00:07:16 -Come on.
00:07:20 Oh, figgly boogles, I'm dead.
00:07:23 Die for Ireland?
00:07:24 I'm sorry, but it appeared to me...
00:07:25 that someone here
00:07:27 Are you playing the game or not, Braden?
00:07:29 Me play! Dying for Ireland.
00:07:33 Well, come on, Englishman, a bullet, please.
00:07:39 And next up is the dashing Feely...
00:07:42 sporting a smoking jacket,
00:07:47 Madam.
00:07:53 The man himself.
00:07:56 -Your mother will be back in a while.
00:08:01 So how's Patrick
00:08:04 They're well, Mr. Feely.
00:08:07 Especially my mother, wherever she is.
00:08:12 So someone's told you something, Patrick?
00:08:15 They don't have to.
00:08:17 Hairy Arse Braden tells me every day.
00:08:20 Patrick, now....
00:08:22 I'm sorry, Mr. Feely.
00:08:32 You know, I saw her once,
00:08:35 long after the day she left.
00:08:38 It was in London.
00:08:41 I was doing work for Genie McQuillan.
00:08:45 I was going home through Piccadilly...
00:08:47 and there, passing by, was Eily Bergin.
00:08:51 Lovely as the day she left, I swear it to God.
00:08:59 Did you talk to her, Mr. Feely?
00:09:02 What did she say?
00:09:04 I shouted after her, Patrick,
00:09:08 London swallowed her up.
00:09:12 The most beautiful girl in the town.
00:09:14 Biggest city in the world...
00:09:17 it swallowed my mother up.
00:09:23 What about my father, Mr. Feely?
00:09:24 I wouldn't know about that, son.
00:09:31 What did she look like?
00:09:38 Mitzi Gaynor, son.
00:09:39 That's who she looked like, Mitzi.
00:09:45 Mitzi Gaynor.
00:10:46 Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse!
00:11:01 In the name of the Father and the Son
00:11:20 You see, once upon a time...
00:11:22 there was a young girl named Eily Bergin...
00:11:27 who looked not unlike
00:11:31 who sang I'm Gonna Wash That Man
00:11:36 And she went to London,
00:11:39 which swallowed her up.
00:11:42 But before she vanished...
00:11:45 I think she worked
00:11:49 But I could be wrong there, couldn't I?
00:11:52 I mean, I could be wrong. After all, I....
00:12:04 All I wanted was her address.
00:12:08 There between the Po
00:12:11 the climate is always the same.
00:12:14 The landscape never changes...
00:12:16 and in country like this
00:12:19 and look at a farmhouse
00:12:23 and immediately a story is born.
00:12:27 Now, when you're writing your essay for me
00:12:30 whatever form it takes is up to you.
00:12:33 It can be called
00:12:39 "I Was Dracula's Girlfriend"...
00:12:42 or even "A Day in the Life of an Old Boot".
00:12:48 You've got one hour, so learn to write.
00:13:13 "God bless us.
00:13:15 "It's yourself"...
00:13:18 -God bless us. It's yourself, ma'am.
00:13:21 ...remarked...
00:13:22 randy Father Liam...
00:13:28 as he opened the door...
00:13:31 to a young woman...
00:13:33 who bore a startling resemblance...
00:13:36 to Mitzi Gaynor.
00:13:38 So you are the replacement
00:13:41 I am indeed, Father.
00:13:43 Destroyed with the lumbago, she is.
00:13:46 But sure she'll be back on her feet soon,
00:13:48 Please God she will, now.
00:13:51 But tell me this...
00:13:53 have I begun to dote...
00:13:56 or do you remind me of someone special?
00:13:59 When she sensed a movement...
00:14:03 underneath his black serge trousers.
00:14:06 Oh, Father, please, how could I?
00:14:09 When I've gone out of my way...
00:14:10 knowing that your dicky doodle,
00:14:14 given the slightest encouragement...
00:14:16 would be only too eager
00:14:18 Down, boy! Naughty dicky...
00:14:21 to camouflage myself and look like
00:14:24 "And most definitely not...
00:14:29 "a perfume-sprayed vision...
00:14:32 "named Mitzi Gaynor...
00:14:35 "with a head of bubble-cut curls...
00:14:40 "that would make any man's privates
00:14:44 I've got the standard uniform, Father.
00:14:46 The blue housecoat
00:14:49 the tan stockings, color of stale tea...
00:14:52 the old hairnet,
00:14:54 whose duty it is to stay inside
00:14:56 "No Mickies today.
00:14:58 "Down, boys. That's it, my sweets,
00:15:01 Breakfast, Father?
00:15:04 By God, and now you're talking.
00:15:07 Mickey is devious...
00:15:11 and no matter how much you tell him...
00:15:16 he simply won't stay down.
00:15:18 But drab old housecoats...
00:15:21 and tea-colored stockings
00:15:25 if it wasn't for that pesky spot of grease.
00:15:29 Oh, this is powerful altogether.
00:15:33 I would do jail for another rasher.
00:15:36 I'll fry you some more
00:15:41 Come here till I tell you. Did you hear
00:15:44 No, Father. At least I don't think so.
00:15:46 Says the priest to the young fellow, "Did
00:15:50 To which the young lad says,
00:16:00 Not a very funny joke...
00:16:02 but she laughed and she laughed.
00:16:06 In fact, you could say
00:16:12 My skirt and housecoat are riding up.
00:16:14 Better abort this task at once...
00:16:16 or we could have an exploding clergyman
00:16:20 Oh, no!
00:16:21 -Priest grows wings in latest miracle.
00:16:23 "When she found herself enveloped
00:16:28 Now, Father, is this another joke?
00:16:32 That hurt, Father.
00:16:33 Frank Sinatra wouldn't do this, Father.
00:16:39 I'm all wet, Father.
00:16:41 What are you doing down there, Father?
00:16:44 Are you playing squidgy
00:16:46 But she was soon to realize...
00:16:49 it wasn't Fairy Liquid
00:16:55 The end.
00:16:58 No...
00:17:00 it wasn't Fairy Liquid at all.
00:17:08 "...privates go sprong."
00:17:10 "Privates go...."
00:17:12 How dare you?
00:17:14 When I said, "develop your literary skills"...
00:17:17 I did not, repeat, not, mean this.
00:17:21 Why did you write it?
00:17:23 I thought there was a moral, sir.
00:17:27 Young girls in mortal danger.
00:17:29 Get out of this classroom, Braden!
00:17:33 Hello, class. My name is Miss Kitten...
00:17:35 and I'd like to tell you about the perils
00:17:39 especially when you look like Mitzi Gaynor.
00:17:42 Hands up who can tell me
00:17:44 So, you see, Patrick, we're on your side.
00:17:47 We're here to help you.
00:17:50 Well, no, you're wrong, Father. I do.
00:17:52 So, if you can think of anything
00:17:58 Well...
00:18:00 there is one thing, Father.
00:18:05 -Instead of PE...
00:18:08 ...I could take Home Economics
00:18:12 And you think that would help you...
00:18:16 knuckle down and apply yourself?
00:18:22 What's that, Patrick?
00:18:24 Oh, and you can call me Kitten, Father.
00:18:27 Kitten?
00:18:29 Yes, Patrick Kitten Braden,
00:18:36 Well, now,
00:18:40 Oh, no,
00:18:43 and some have been known to call him...
00:18:45 or was it a her...
00:18:47 Kitten.
00:18:50 Saint Kitten?
00:18:53 He or she was an acolyte of Saint Patrick.
00:18:56 Wore a dress. As did Saint Patrick, actually.
00:19:01 Quite ruined her complexion.
00:19:04 And they're for your sister, Patrick?
00:19:08 Oh, she really needs a bit of glamour
00:19:12 But then again, don't we all?
00:19:16 The trouble broke out as the Minister
00:19:19 was visiting Derry
00:19:23 for the second time inside a month.
00:19:26 Jesus, Mammy, I'm exhausted.
00:19:29 At least you have a job...
00:19:30 which is more than that waster yonder
00:19:34 Now, one more complaint from that school...
00:19:36 and it'll not be good for you,
00:19:40 Oh, Mammy?
00:19:42 Do you have the price of the dance
00:19:45 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee?
00:19:47 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee?
00:19:50 Well, do you think I'm made of money?
00:19:52 Do you think I'm made of money?
00:19:55 Will you just hand over the cash?
00:19:57 Will you just fork out the money...
00:19:58 and stop blathering,
00:20:01 Here. And don't ask me again.
00:20:05 Well, thank you so much, Mammy.
00:20:52 -No. No, no, no, no, no.
00:20:55 I'm not obliged to give you any reasons,
00:20:58 Him and her.
00:20:59 Don't have to stand for this, do we, Paddy?
00:21:01 Oh, Paddy's her name.
00:21:03 -Did you ever ride a man, Lukie?
00:21:07 Fuck you.
00:21:09 -Evening.
00:21:13 Mikey, go get the lads.
00:21:18 I'm warning you, get out of here!
00:21:24 Fuck them and their Rob Strong.
00:21:32 Excuse me. Can we have a lift?
00:21:38 Get on.
00:21:40 Moving out.
00:22:04 Druids, man. We're like the Border Knights.
00:22:08 Knew all about the space-time continuum.
00:22:13 -No, Lawrence! No. Excuse me, please.
00:22:17 -What do you see, bro?
00:22:20 No stars?
00:22:22 Stars and sausages.
00:22:27 Now you're talking.
00:22:29 Gotta get behind the surface.
00:22:31 Yes, surface.
00:22:33 I see four green fields, Brits in one of them.
00:22:39 -Not for fucking long.
00:22:42 Border Knights don't allow them.
00:22:44 Jams the astral highway.
00:22:47 So why do you call yourselves
00:22:51 Because the only border that matters...
00:22:54 is the one between what's in front...
00:22:58 and what you've left behind.
00:23:00 When I ride my hog,
00:23:03 No way, man.
00:23:05 I'm traveling from the past into the future
00:23:11 -Druid man or druid woman?
00:23:17 What matters is the journey.
00:23:22 -You know where it goes, baby?
00:23:26 We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars
00:23:31 Finding our breakfast
00:23:34 On Pluto
00:23:36 Pluto?
00:23:38 Pluto.
00:23:41 No, not Pluto the dog. Pluto the planet.
00:23:47 Named by Percival Lowell
00:23:52 after the invisible king of the underworld.
00:24:03 You think about that.
00:24:13 Oh, kiss me, Joseph.
00:24:17 I'll beat your fucking....
00:24:26 Now, boys and girls...
00:24:28 a retreat is time for prayer and reflection.
00:24:33 Some of you may have already noticed
00:24:37 going through some changes...
00:24:39 and I would like you to feel free
00:24:43 about any problem that concerns you.
00:24:45 So, I will leave this problem box...
00:24:50 here by the altar rails.
00:24:53 No problem should be precluded.
00:24:56 After all, that is why we are here.
00:25:01 Now, does everyone remember last week
00:25:12 You'll not bring my retreat into disrepute,
00:25:15 How dare it. How dare you, you pup, you....
00:25:18 Sir, you're hurting me.
00:25:24 -What did you write on the paper, Patrick?
00:25:27 Nothing.
00:25:29 Just, did he know any place
00:25:51 Disgraced!
00:25:52 Disgraced in front of the whole town,
00:25:55 How could you do it, Paddy?
00:25:59 -And now you've broken it.
00:26:01 Oh, Jesus Christ. My arm!
00:26:04 -She's not my mammy.
00:26:07 I'm sorry, Caz.
00:26:11 Oh, stop it, Patrick, please!
00:26:13 Why won't you stop it
00:26:16 I'm sorry, Caz. I never meant to hurt you.
00:26:19 -After all, we've both been through this--
00:26:22 Get your hands off me, you creature!
00:26:25 Oh, figgly boogles. What's the point?
00:26:29 That's it, I've tried my best. I'm off.
00:26:46 Are you going to Scotsfield, by any chance?
00:26:48 We'd better be. We're playing there tonight.
00:26:57 Hello.
00:27:13 What do you think of this trouble up North?
00:27:16 -Oh, I think it's an absolute terror.
00:27:19 Oh, I do it.
00:27:22 I don't think you care either way...
00:27:25 my good-Iooking young friend.
00:27:27 No, I know how serious it is.
00:27:30 They think they can break us, don't they?
00:27:33 Hang Paddy from the ceiling.
00:27:37 Give him a dose of white noise.
00:27:39 Shove electrodes up his arse.
00:27:42 -Now, really, Mr.--
00:27:47 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hatchett.
00:27:50 You really don't know who I am, do you?
00:27:53 I haven't had the pleasure.
00:27:55 Do you hear that, lads? He's never heard
00:29:48 So, have you somewhere
00:29:52 Or should I call you Patrick?
00:29:57 You can call me Kitten, darling.
00:29:59 Kitten?
00:30:02 After Saint Cettin.
00:30:04 He or she was an acolyte of Patrick,
00:30:08 So you have somewhere to stay, then?
00:30:12 Mammy threw me out, I'm afraid.
00:30:15 Well, I could always put you up in the van.
00:30:18 -It's not much, but I could.
00:30:27 Thank you.
00:30:32 You're welcome, Kitten.
00:30:39 I'll be off to the hotel, then, Kitten.
00:30:44 I'd stay the night.
00:30:48 The boys might get the wrong idea.
00:30:50 No, I've gotta go.
00:30:52 -I've gotta go.
00:30:55 Oh, Kitten. I gotta go. I really have.
00:31:01 Billy! Billy, Billy.
00:31:10 It's Bobby Goldsboro.
00:31:14 Used to help me get to sleep.
00:31:16 His wife dies. You see,
00:31:23 -Oh, Kitten, I've gotta go now.
00:31:27 I really have.
00:31:31 If you were away with the band...
00:31:35 and you came home
00:31:41 like Bobby's wife....
00:31:46 What about it?
00:31:49 -Would you take me to the hospital?
00:31:54 Of course I would, Kitten.
00:31:55 Oh, I wish that could happen.
00:31:59 I've seen it all now. I tell you,
00:32:03 Where the fuck
00:32:04 when we were in San Francisco?
00:32:07 I'd even bring you flowers.
00:32:12 -Roses?
00:32:17 Oh, Billy.
00:32:20 Oh, Kitten.
00:32:22 Billy.
00:32:28 For I ask you, Billy Bobby, nicest man...
00:32:31 what's an Indian band without a squaw?
00:32:36 "A squaw?"
00:33:59 -Name, please?
00:34:03 I could tell you were a Paddy all right.
00:34:13 -What about Geronimo?
00:34:17 Thirteen of your lot shot in Derry.
00:34:21 Maybe you'd know about thirteen less
00:34:25 Fuck off, mate.
00:34:31 Fuck off.
00:35:05 Get off the fucking stage, you stupid bitch.
00:35:18 Patrick, I don't know how to say this to you.
00:35:23 It's the boys, the boys in the band.
00:35:26 They feel a squaw just isn't working out.
00:35:30 It could be they have a point.
00:35:32 They say it doesn't feel right.
00:35:34 I don't know,
00:35:38 I'm sorry.
00:35:40 But I have a little proposal.
00:35:43 -A ring, perhaps?
00:35:48 I told you not to call me that.
00:35:51 I'm sorry, Kitten.
00:35:57 Bobby Billy,
00:36:03 You know I would.
00:36:05 -What kind would they be?
00:36:08 -No. No, Quality Street.
00:36:30 It was my mother's.
00:36:33 Nobody stays here, and I need somebody
00:36:37 -What do you reckon?
00:36:41 I wouldn't exactly call it a house,
00:36:53 Oh, to have a little house.
00:36:58 So, Kitten, can I come and visit you
00:37:02 Of course you can,
00:37:06 You don't even have to ask.
00:37:48 Well, goodness gracious, icky-oakie me.
00:38:17 -What?
00:38:19 Leave him be, he knows nothing.
00:38:21 -Keep it that way.
00:38:50 If I volunteer, Irwin,
00:38:54 Can't you take anything serious?
00:38:57 Oh, serious, serious, serious.
00:39:00 You might have to soon enough.
00:39:03 So fucking what, Charlie?
00:39:06 A few fucking papers, big deal.
00:39:09 Don't you lie to me, Irwin.
00:39:12 I'm involved in nothing! I sell their paper,
00:39:16 Nobody gives a fuck!
00:39:18 Soon enough they fucking will.
00:39:19 If I find out you're lying to me,
00:39:22 Yeah, well, finish it with me,
00:39:33 Come on, move off the road.
00:39:36 Get back. It's for your own safety.
00:39:43 Get these people off the street!
00:39:45 I want everyone to move away
00:39:49 Come on, folks. Stand back, please. Move!
00:39:51 Bring it down careful now. Yeah, gently.
00:39:54 -Please, move back.
00:39:58 Now let the Army go to work.
00:40:03 Move back and clear the area.
00:40:04 -There may be other devices.
00:40:07 Get away from the street.
00:40:09 Clear this area for your own safety.
00:40:11 Move back.
00:40:13 -It's a Dalek. Exterminate.
00:40:16 Exterminate. Exterminate.
00:40:20 Exterminate.
00:40:51 Dust thou art,
00:40:55 until the Lord raises you up on the last day.
00:40:57 Let us pray for our brother Lawrence
00:41:01 who said,
00:41:05 "The man who believes in me will live
00:41:10 Our Father, who art in heaven,
00:41:14 Thy kingdom come...
00:41:15 thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.
00:41:18 Give us this day our daily bread.
00:41:51 Serious, serious.
00:41:54 Time for some serious spring cleaning.
00:42:00 Fuck.
00:42:03 Don't you know what this means?
00:42:05 Do you know
00:42:07 -Don't let this come between us, Billy.
00:42:13 Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do?
00:42:17 -Fucking Jesus!
00:42:21 Where are they, Paddy?
00:42:24 Now, what is this you mean, my darling?
00:42:27 The guns, you little fucking whore,
00:42:29 The guns! It's all too fucking serious!
00:42:33 Oh, all of a sudden
00:42:35 Serious, serious, serious.
00:42:37 I'm not fucking joking, Patrick!
00:42:39 -Where are they?
00:42:51 Don't fucking know me.
00:42:53 You don't know where I've gone.
00:42:55 And if they come, if they fucking come,
00:42:59 -I mean nothing.
00:43:02 You're way out of your league, Patrick.
00:43:04 You don't know what you're dealing with.
00:43:07 Oh, I do. I know, all right.
00:43:11 I know you were only joking
00:43:14 and sweets, too, probably.
00:43:21 But it was nice while it lasted.
00:43:43 Are you happy now?
00:43:45 Are you happy now
00:43:47 Now that they've bombed down here?
00:43:50 Are your Republican friends
00:43:52 now they can see what they've done?
00:43:54 What the fuck are you talking about?
00:43:57 It had nothing to do with Republicans.
00:44:00 What the fuck would they bomb
00:44:05 You hear me, Charlie?
00:44:08 And if you want out, just say so.
00:44:37 Open the door.
00:44:39 -I can't, go away. Come back in the morning.
00:44:43 -Open the fucking door!
00:45:07 -Where did he put them?
00:45:09 The guns, nancy boy.
00:45:12 Oh, yes, the guns.
00:45:14 Oh, Billy buried them outside
00:45:17 Go.
00:45:21 There's no fucking guns down here.
00:45:27 -I think they might just be...
00:45:28 -He's taking the hand out of us.
00:45:30 I'll nut him! I swear to God I'll nut him!
00:45:35 Say goodbye to my friends, will you?
00:45:37 Charlie lives in Sunbeam Heights
00:45:40 Irwin who?
00:45:41 Why, Irwin Kerr, of course.
00:45:42 -The big-time Volunteer.
00:45:45 Oh, nothing. Never mind.
00:45:48 Just do it. I've nothing left to live for
00:45:52 Oh, fuck him.
00:45:53 Leave him be. He's not worth the bullet,
00:45:55 Oh, what is it with nancy boys
00:45:58 -You kill everyone else.
00:46:01 Do you know what you're doing here?
00:46:03 Wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man.
00:46:07 You're way out of your league, sunshine.
00:46:09 Not that again.
00:46:11 "Oh, you're in over your head.
00:46:13 Oh, for heaven's sake!
00:46:15 Surely you've one bullet to spare
00:46:18 Bollocks!
00:46:27 -Where are we going?
00:46:30 -It's simple.
00:46:32 The bomb was made up here
00:46:35 Wee Bobby Anderson.
00:46:37 It'll be the last fucking bomb he'll make.
00:46:40 Turn the lights off. Keep it running.
00:47:11 Oh, Lord.
00:47:30 Get us the fuck out of here, will you?
00:47:33 -What's the smell?
00:47:36 You not toilet trained?
00:47:39 What do you think you are, Kerr?
00:47:48 Tell me you're not serious.
00:47:49 You see, there is that word again.
00:47:52 But you don't know a soul
00:47:54 There's only one soul I need, Charlie.
00:48:01 You really think you'll find her?
00:48:03 How many Eily Bergins can there be?
00:48:05 Maybe she's changed her name.
00:48:08 She won't have changed her eyes, Irwin.
00:48:13 How will you get by?
00:48:18 Saint Anthony will guide me.
00:49:24 The thing is, you come to the city
00:49:27 and you think it's open all the time,
00:49:30 Excuse me?
00:49:32 Of course it does.
00:49:33 I'm looking for my mother, please.
00:49:39 I've just got two Bergins for 1956.
00:49:43 Bergin, Ellen,
00:49:46 Well, that's her.
00:49:49 One's from Aldgate
00:49:56 Will you be going back home
00:49:58 Oh, yes, of course.
00:50:03 -And, son, will you promise me something?
00:50:08 -Take care of yourself.
00:50:12 Thank you.
00:50:42 No, mate,
00:51:36 I'm....
00:52:45 The man himself.
00:52:48 About time, too.
00:52:53 Are you here for the job, kid?
00:52:59 What job?
00:53:00 This is showbiz, kid.
00:53:02 You try that with Stephenson,
00:53:04 Who's Stephenson?
00:53:05 He thinks he's in charge.
00:53:09 -You're Irish, you are.
00:53:13 Well then, County Cavan...
00:53:15 give us a song and you're home and dry.
00:53:19 Underground, overground, wombling free
00:53:22 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we
00:53:25 Good man, you have it.
00:53:28 I'm going in.
00:53:31 Right. Hop, one. Hop, two.
00:53:36 Flap, flap, flap. Okay?
00:53:38 Go, go on.
00:53:43 Flap, flap, flap. Right, ready?
00:53:45 Right, hop one, hop two.
00:53:47 For fuck's sake, will you hop right?
00:53:50 Hop one, hop two. Hop, one, two, three.
00:53:55 Flap, flap. Flap it out, flap it out.
00:53:58 Sell it to me.
00:54:01 Overground, underground, wombling free
00:54:04 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we
00:54:07 Give him the drill, Bulgaria.
00:54:09 Enough already.
00:54:13 -Capisce.
00:54:14 Every morning, 9:00, be there.
00:54:30 Bulgaria?
00:54:32 I told you before,
00:54:34 You're head Womble here.
00:54:35 -Well, that's this.... Fuck!
00:54:38 I'll give you RAF.
00:54:40 I broke no fucking mallet!
00:54:41 -I broke no fucking mallet!
00:54:44 Put that down!
00:54:45 I'll break it across your back, you bollocks!
00:54:48 I'll bust it....
00:54:55 "You broke the mallet," he says.
00:54:56 "I'll have to dock it from your pay."
00:55:00 You fucked me one last time.
00:55:01 RAF, my bollocks! That's the end of the line!
00:55:03 Enough of that, John Joe.
00:55:06 Back off, motherfucker.
00:55:08 You don't know
00:55:09 Back in the can,
00:55:12 "Stay away, man.
00:55:14 -You're out of your league here, friend.
00:55:19 You have to show them where you stand.
00:55:20 They fuck with you, you fuck with them.
00:55:23 You fuck them so bad
00:55:25 -You want another shot?
00:55:29 You got it, kemo sabe.
00:55:31 Tommy, one Babycham, one Powers.
00:55:35 Please.
00:55:36 Two weeks' severance, in the paw.
00:55:38 You fuck with John Joe Kenny,
00:55:42 He's from Cavan.
00:55:44 So, where's Cavan?
00:55:46 Next to Monaghan.
00:55:50 I'm going for a womble.
00:55:53 Really, Uncle Bulgaria.
00:55:54 Underground, overground, wombling free
00:55:57 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we
00:56:01 Underground, overground, wombling free
00:56:04 I was a Womble one time.
00:56:09 Hey, you can't sleep here, love.
00:56:12 Have you got a home to go to?
00:56:16 You can get a cab outside.
00:56:19 Oh, I do believe I have a small, elfin
00:56:35 Oi!
00:56:36 You doing business,
00:56:39 This pavement's got my name on it.
00:56:41 What, pray, is your name? Concrete?
00:56:44 My name is Scratch Your Eyes Out,
00:56:47 which is what I'll do
00:56:51 All right, lover?
00:56:53 She giving you trouble, son?
00:56:55 Oh, no trouble at all.
00:56:59 Go on, you fucking nancy boy!
00:57:02 Don't fucking come back!
00:57:04 And her name is Scratch Your Eyes Out
00:57:09 And my name is Patricia Kitten Braden.
00:57:11 Pleased to meet you, Patricia Kitten Braden.
00:57:16 Just what were you doing back there?
00:57:18 I was looking for the Phantom Lady.
00:57:20 You found the right street, then.
00:57:22 Why, what's it called? Phantom Lady Street?
00:57:25 You could call it that.
00:57:29 Well, it's my mother, really. I call her that.
00:57:32 To pretend it's a story
00:57:36 And why do you pretend that?
00:57:38 Because otherwise I might cry
00:57:41 If you cried, I'd make you stop.
00:57:44 Oh, you would?
00:57:45 Oh, how kind, kind sir.
00:57:48 Yes, I'd definitely make you stop.
00:57:56 And just what is it you do, then?
00:57:58 Oh, this and that. Showbiz, kind of. Singing.
00:58:02 -What do you like to sing about?
00:58:07 That's nice.
00:58:09 Have you ever found it?
00:58:12 I thought I had, once.
00:58:18 Here's one about true love.
00:58:24 Ever heard this one?
00:58:27 Nice, isn't it?
00:58:29 I just love love songs.
00:58:36 Take it off.
00:58:40 -Don't you like it?
00:58:45 As you wish, sir.
00:58:54 -Now, isn't that more comfortable?
00:58:59 Of course it is, my love-Ioving friend.
00:59:03 Here, feel that.
00:59:11 Good old-fashioned silk.
00:59:14 -Here you are.
00:59:25 It's beautiful.
00:59:30 -You like it?
00:59:34 Like it?
00:59:46 But did true love save Kitten
00:59:50 in that worst of all fairy tales?
00:59:53 No, what saved Kitten...
00:59:56 was her precious perfume spray...
00:59:58 bought for £2.99
01:00:02 before she left her beloved Emerald Isle.
01:00:16 Hello.
01:00:19 I'm sorry to interrupt...
01:00:21 but are you all right, miss?
01:00:26 Yes, fine, thank you.
01:00:29 Just tired after my hard day's work.
01:00:33 You have been sitting there
01:00:38 Yes, busy at my desk.
01:00:42 Busy at your desk?
01:00:47 Writing my little book.
01:00:51 Your little book?
01:00:55 What type of book?
01:01:00 Well, it's a....
01:01:01 It's a mystery thriller, sir.
01:01:04 About a woman who disappears.
01:01:08 May I ask what it's called?
01:01:13 Yes.
01:01:15 It's called...
01:01:18 Footprints in the Custard.
01:01:24 No, I'm only joking.
01:01:27 because I don't know what's gonna happen
01:01:31 But the lady has a name?
01:01:35 Phantom Lady.
01:01:38 "Phantom Lady."
01:01:42 No, her real name's Eily Bergin.
01:01:46 -Your mother?
01:01:48 And then she went away
01:01:50 that never sleeps from dusk till dawn.
01:01:53 -So, you think she's here in London?
01:01:57 Fantastic!
01:02:00 The fantastic tale of Eily Bergin.
01:02:03 I can't wait to hear the ending.
01:02:05 -But you haven't even heard the start.
01:02:12 -So, are you a writer, too, then, sir?
01:02:17 But something similar, maybe.
01:02:20 Something similar?
01:02:30 You're a magician!
01:02:33 Bertie Vaughan at your service.
01:02:37 Now, the first thing that has to be said,
01:02:41 is that you bear absolutely no resemblance
01:02:46 We all have our off days.
01:02:50 So, tell me more about the Phantom Lady.
01:02:53 Why? What's in it for me?
01:02:55 I'll take you to see my show.
01:02:58 Oh, it's a deal, Magic.
01:03:01 So, where were we? Yes, the Phantom Lady.
01:03:05 Eily Bergin had just arrived in Dublin...
01:03:08 and just realized that her boat
01:03:23 Lo and behold, not a scratch.
01:03:25 Thank you, my dear.
01:03:29 Pick a card.
01:03:31 Anyone?
01:03:33 Come along, madam, pick a card.
01:03:35 Any card.
01:03:41 -Oh, my God!
01:03:44 "Oh, my God" is right.
01:03:46 I do believe you've chosen the 101 of hearts.
01:03:50 Thank you, my dear, I'll take care of that.
01:03:56 Time, of course.
01:03:58 The time.
01:04:00 Looks like it's up, you lovely people.
01:04:04 Come on, help me, please, my loves.
01:04:08 Anyone out there
01:04:19 -Hello, young lady.
01:04:21 And what's the story
01:04:28 -What's your name, young lady?
01:04:33 -And where are you from, my dear?
01:04:37 Keep your eye on the watch, young Patricia.
01:04:42 The whole world is in there.
01:04:46 Tick-tock.
01:04:49 Swing-swong.
01:04:53 And, dare I say it...
01:04:56 ding-dong.
01:04:59 And let the great watch guide you.
01:05:15 And what brings you
01:05:19 I'm looking for my mammy.
01:05:21 Oh. And where did Mummy go?
01:05:25 -The city swallowed her up.
01:05:29 Well, it will do that to people.
01:05:33 But do you know what, Patricia?
01:05:37 -I think I see your mother.
01:05:40 Why, down there
01:05:44 Mammy!
01:05:49 On second thoughts, Patricia...
01:05:51 she's not your mother,
01:05:54 That's your mother over there.
01:05:57 Mammy?
01:06:00 Mammy!
01:06:02 Oh, Mammy.
01:06:07 Actually...
01:06:08 Patricia, that's your second cousin Ronnie,
01:06:14 In fact...
01:06:17 your mummy is right up here.
01:06:21 Up here on stage.
01:06:23 Come to Mummy.
01:06:26 Come to Mummy.
01:06:29 Come to Mummy.
01:06:31 Come to Mummy.
01:06:33 You love your mummy and your poppy.
01:06:39 Good to have you back, darling.
01:06:41 And Mummy's never leaving again.
01:06:44 Never.
01:06:46 Never.
01:06:48 Never, I promise. Never.
01:07:11 Just call me Old Sawbones.
01:07:23 -You all right, dear?
01:07:38 Those of a nervous disposition...
01:07:41 should now close their eyes.
01:07:50 Oh, dear.
01:07:59 Are you all right, Kitten?
01:08:02 No, I'm actually quite heartbroken.
01:08:11 I think I see the problem.
01:08:38 Gee, thanks, Cupid.
00:00:08 she realized, in the city that never sleeps....
00:00:12 What did she realize, Kitten?
00:00:14 That all the songs that she'd listened to,
00:00:19 well, they were only songs.
00:00:21 -What's wrong with that?
00:00:26 But she did, you see.
00:00:27 She believed in enchanted evenings...
00:00:30 and she believed that a small cloud
00:00:34 and cried down on her flowerbed.
00:00:37 And she even believed
00:00:41 Where?
00:00:43 On Pluto.
00:00:45 The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.
00:00:52 You know, Kitten,
00:00:57 What decision was that?
00:01:00 That I wasn't destined
00:01:05 But....
00:01:07 But if I did let myself ever fall for someone...
00:01:13 I think it would be a girl like you.
00:01:15 Bertie, please, I have to stop you.
00:01:18 Or maybe what I should say is...
00:01:22 it would be a girl...
00:01:26 -not a million miles away from...
00:01:29 ...where I'm standing.
00:01:32 No.
00:01:37 What's the matter, princess?
00:01:41 Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie...
00:01:45 I'm not....
00:01:47 Yes?
00:01:51 I'm not a girl.
00:01:53 Oh, I knew that, princess.
00:01:56 -You did?
00:02:00 What I said was...
00:02:03 it would be a girl like you.
00:02:14 I do believe I see Mummy over there.
00:02:20 Mammy!
00:02:26 Actually, she's just walked in. There.
00:02:34 Mammy! Mammy.
00:02:36 Bastards!
00:02:38 Think you can make fun of her?
00:02:41 You're coming with me.
00:02:47 Wait!
00:02:48 Please don't leave me.
00:02:51 What about the Prince of Magic?
00:02:53 -Please don't go.
00:02:56 No, maybe I should....
00:02:59 For Christ's sake, Paddy,
00:03:03 Kitten!
00:03:31 Excuse me.
00:03:40 John Joe. John Joe!
00:03:43 John Joe!
00:03:45 Not a Womble anymore.
00:03:48 Don't talk to me about fucking Wombles!
00:03:53 Thirty smackers in the paw, boy,
00:03:57 Hey, they're looking
00:03:59 -Would you be up for it?
00:04:03 And here's the man to do it for you.
00:04:07 Smiley, huh?
00:04:48 Where's Irwin gone?
00:04:51 Him and his fucking revolution.
00:05:06 -How'd you carry it?
00:05:11 There won't be much sleeping
00:05:15 So you haven't seen her, then?
00:05:19 She's here, though, somewhere.
00:05:21 I know it. I just know it, Charlie.
00:05:24 Big fucking city.
00:05:27 I'm losing Irwin, you know.
00:05:30 How?
00:05:32 He's up to something. I know it.
00:05:37 He's got these secrets.
00:05:41 So why did you come over, Charlie?
00:05:43 Wasn't just to see me.
00:05:46 Was it something to do with Irwin?
00:05:51 You might say that.
00:05:56 I'm pregnant.
00:06:02 Oh, Jesus, Charlie.
00:06:06 Does he know?
00:06:09 You know all he knows about.
00:06:12 Or cares.
00:06:22 But you didn't come here to have the baby?
00:06:28 I came here to get rid of it.
00:06:37 You have to tell him, Charlie.
00:06:41 I can't.
00:06:43 He's all fucked up. He's....
00:06:47 So, how are the homeless?
00:06:52 Homeless are fine.
00:06:54 That's what keeps him out late, Kitten...
00:06:57 working with the homeless.
00:07:00 Right, Irwin?
00:07:19 -I can't have it, can I, Paddy?
00:07:23 No, you can't.
00:07:28 Irwin's involved in shit
00:07:30 I know.
00:07:32 What would it turn out like, Paddy?
00:07:37 It'd be an absolute disaster, like me.
00:07:43 Now, I want you to read this leaflet.
00:07:47 It outlines all aspects
00:07:52 Termination?
00:07:54 -You mean this is an abortion clinic?
00:07:58 I thought it was a fertility clinic.
00:08:08 I think she changed her mind. Thank you.
00:08:20 You said it'd be a disaster, like you.
00:08:23 Worse, probably.
00:08:26 -But I love you, you fucking disaster.
00:08:37 -Promise you won't get lost again?
00:08:42 Tell him.
00:08:45 Tell me what?
00:08:47 Charlie's joining the Sandinistas.
00:08:51 -Sandinistas?
00:08:54 -Aren't they, Charlie?
00:08:59 Try Cambridge Circus.
00:09:16 See you, Paddy.
00:10:08 -You and me, darling. What do you say?
00:10:14 Christ, you're a bloke!
00:10:16 Ten out of ten, Sherlock.
00:10:39 You fancy a drink or something?
00:10:43 Campari and soda, if you don't mind.
00:10:47 Of course I don't.
00:10:48 Wouldn't have asked you otherwise,
00:10:51 Campari and soda, please, mate.
00:10:58 There you go, mate.
00:11:01 Cheers.
00:11:08 Thank you.
00:11:11 -Crowded tonight.
00:11:15 -Football supporters?
00:11:19 Oh, soldiers.
00:11:21 Just come back from a tour of duty.
00:11:23 -Aden? Cyprus? No, let me guess.
00:11:29 I haven't got anything
00:11:31 -I hear they're very friendly.
00:11:37 It's the politicians what fuck it up, though,
00:11:45 Do you wanna dance?
00:11:48 Yes, I'd love to.
00:12:05 -You okay?
00:12:10 You seem a little bit tense.
00:12:15 Would you do something for me?
00:12:18 Yeah, of course.
00:12:22 Would you pretend your name's Bobby?
00:12:26 Bobby who?
00:12:29 Bobby Goldsboro.
00:12:33 It's his song, you see.
00:12:37 Bobby it is, then.
00:12:40 All you have to do is plant a little tree...
00:12:44 surprise me with a puppy...
00:12:47 I'll hug your neck.
00:13:40 Back. Go to the back end.
00:13:43 Get as many men down as you can.
00:13:45 All right, my love,
00:13:47 Come on, my love. Can you stand?
00:13:53 That's it.
00:13:54 As many people as we can get out
00:13:56 Take my shoulder, love.
00:13:58 You're all right, mate, I've got you.
00:14:00 My tights.
00:14:01 -Easy, easy.
00:14:03 My tights! They're in ribbons.
00:14:05 You're alive, love, that's the main thing.
00:14:07 I know what I'll have to do,
00:14:10 There's no other way, I'm afraid.
00:14:16 Keep still, darling.
00:14:18 Please, let us through now!
00:14:20 Watch out.
00:14:23 -I told you, from my best side, darlings.
00:14:26 Slow down.
00:14:27 That's it. Slowly now.
00:14:30 Come on, get out of the way, please!
00:14:34 -Out of the way.
00:14:39 No, they're Christian Dior.
00:14:52 How silly can you get,
00:14:56 Not so silly as 11 fucking people
00:15:02 you twisted little cunt!
00:15:03 Fucking baby-faced, fucking Irish murderer!
00:15:11 I'm sorry, did you call?
00:15:14 I can't quite see where you are.
00:15:19 Millions of miles up here
00:15:23 Tell him what he wants to know!
00:15:25 It's free. Everyone thinks it's cold up here...
00:15:29 but it's actually quite warm.
00:15:31 Yes, it's warm as toast up on Pluto.
00:15:34 Pluto.
00:15:37 Don't try the fucking blarney on us, Paddy!
00:15:42 We know you planted the fucking bomb!
00:15:45 But of course I did, my darling.
00:15:47 Why, I've planted hundreds of them.
00:15:50 Have you now? Well, plant this!
00:15:58 Hello, officer.
00:16:00 I'm over here.
00:16:02 Just take a left at the Milky Way.
00:16:05 We'll travel to Mars and visit
00:16:08 Christ, I can't fucking stand this!
00:16:11 Listen, son,
00:16:17 A statement, officer?
00:16:20 Attaboy. There's no point
00:16:24 Of course not.
00:16:35 Let's start with where you were
00:16:41 I was in my little cell
00:16:47 But I was working undercover.
00:16:49 Undercover?
00:16:56 Oh, it's all coming back to me now.
00:17:09 Patricia Kitten, a.k.a. Deep Throat...
00:17:14 had penetrated the deepest recesses
00:17:21 with her secret anti-terrorist spray...
00:17:25 named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's
00:17:31 The stability of Semtex
00:17:34 Oh, but, Lord, was she sick of that black.
00:17:39 What is it with freedom fighters
00:17:57 You've got fuse support and booster charge.
00:17:59 What can I say?
00:18:11 Stop
00:18:57 Is there anyone here?
00:18:59 Why won't he just talk to us?
00:19:01 Did he or didn't he, dressed as a woman,
00:19:04 We've held him six days now.
00:19:18 Paddy?
00:19:21 -You all right?
00:19:27 Meet us halfway, will you, Paddy?
00:19:32 Well, I was just looking for someone.
00:19:34 -I was just looking for Eily Bergin.
00:19:40 She's gone undercover now.
00:19:42 The biggest city in the world
00:19:44 Could she help us
00:19:47 She could help me with mine.
00:19:49 Do you want us to find her?
00:19:53 -You could try The House That Vanished.
00:19:58 Oh, Christ. I think we're all losing it.
00:20:11 We're gonna get some sleep now, Paddy.
00:20:15 Look, I think we may have made a mistake.
00:20:20 -Officer?
00:20:23 If you came home from the office
00:20:28 -would you take me to the hospital?
00:20:33 And would you carry me
00:20:36 Well, yeah.
00:20:38 So if I wasn't a transvestite terrorist,
00:20:43 No, for fuck's sake.
00:20:54 Well, is Officer Wallis
00:20:57 We've held you too long
00:21:02 Oh, no, you can't.
00:21:04 You can't. Not when I'm settling in so well.
00:21:12 Take your head off my shoulder, son.
00:21:18 You don't understand, Paddy.
00:21:20 It's impossible.
00:21:22 Fuck this, I'm going on a long holiday.
00:21:26 Come on!
00:21:27 Come on, just for one day.
00:21:30 Sorry, Paddy. It's impossible.
00:21:33 -Okay, a half-a-day, please?
00:21:39 Look, do you mind me asking?
00:21:41 I mean, why do you wanna....
00:21:46 -It just makes me feel secure.
00:21:49 Yes, you see, in the cell...
00:21:50 sometimes I think my legs
00:21:54 and I'm floating in space, and I'm all alone.
00:21:57 "Galactic aloneness," I've heard that called.
00:22:00 Please, Routledge.
00:22:03 I just wanna belong.
00:22:06 I'd be your best prisoner.
00:22:11 and I'd iron all the uniforms. I....
00:22:14 -Hey, Paddy!
00:22:20 No, I'm afraid it's goodbye now.
00:22:30 All right, go get that bus there.
00:22:34 Go on!
00:22:47 Jennifer Jones and William Holden.
00:22:54 Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing?
00:23:00 Have you ever been in love?
00:23:07 Once I thought I was.
00:23:09 He was a lucky man.
00:23:16 I'd pay you.
00:23:20 I'd give you whatever you wanted.
00:23:24 Whatever you wanted, I'd give you.
00:24:26 That's my mammy! That's my mammy!
00:24:31 Excuse me! Excuse me.
00:24:34 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:24:40 Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.
00:24:53 Hello!
00:25:29 Hello, sir. Can I be of assistance?
00:25:32 I don't do anything heavy,
00:25:36 I could have you arrested, you know.
00:25:39 Well, icky-oakie me.
00:25:42 Get in.
00:25:47 This is no life
00:25:49 Well, cuff me then.
00:25:53 No.
00:25:55 Oh, wait, you're not an actual punter,
00:25:58 No, it's not.... It's not that either.
00:26:02 Well, of course it is, of course it's serious.
00:26:06 Oh, you're gonna die out there, Paddy!
00:26:12 I know.
00:26:19 Why don't you try and get a regular job?
00:26:22 Well, to tell you the truth, Inspector,
00:26:26 So I gathered.
00:26:31 Fucking hell.
00:26:40 Come with me.
00:26:50 A group of girls
00:26:54 Set up a co-op.
00:26:56 What do you mean, "co-op"?
00:26:57 You know, like.... Sort of like....
00:27:03 Girls?
00:27:06 Hello. Come on.
00:27:10 It's not ideal, but it's safe...
00:27:14 and legal.
00:27:16 Casandra.
00:27:19 Goddess of Destruction.
00:27:23 -Girls? Hello.
00:27:25 This is Patrick.
00:27:26 -Hello, Patrick.
00:27:28 He's a friend of mine, so be gentle.
00:27:30 We're always nice.
00:27:33 Love poker.
00:27:35 -Yeah, we'll put him in.
00:27:37 -You'll be working with us?
00:27:40 We're a nice bunch here.
00:27:41 -No bitchiness or nothing here.
00:27:44 -So where are you from?
00:27:46 Very nice. I'm from Dublin.
00:27:49 You'll like us girls.
00:27:57 Dear Charlie, sorry I haven't been in touch...
00:28:00 and I hope that everything
00:28:03 How's the bump?
00:28:05 Just writing to say
00:28:08 It's Xanadu on Old Compton Street...
00:28:11 and you can reach me there at any time.
00:28:14 I'm saving like mad
00:28:18 What is it?
00:28:22 Hello.
00:28:24 Show me your bazoozums.
00:28:26 -I beg your pardon?
00:28:33 What's that?
00:28:34 Now, listen, sir,
00:28:38 Some of us are what you might call svelte.
00:28:41 -Svelte?
00:28:46 -There's also a French one.
00:28:49 Gamine.
00:28:51 -Gamine?
00:28:54 A svelte gamine.
00:28:57 How much is that doggy in the window?
00:29:03 The one with the waggly tail
00:29:07 Not "waggly," "waggedy." "Waggedy tail."
00:29:12 Dear sir unseen, I know my music...
00:29:14 and I'm willing to bet you 10 times
00:29:18 that the dog's tail is waggly.
00:29:22 Now I wanna hear you bark.
00:29:35 -Hello.
00:29:42 As you wish, sir.
00:29:48 I don't do this sort of thing often.
00:29:51 That's all right, sir, we've got lots of time.
00:30:00 -I knew a boy like you once.
00:30:06 -Oh, you're a girl.
00:30:11 You can call me Patricia.
00:30:16 Can I tell you a story, Patricia?
00:30:20 Oh, please do. Stories are what I love.
00:30:23 -You love stories?
00:30:28 Even more than mysteries.
00:30:30 Don't do that, please, please.
00:30:35 Very well, sir, I'm all ears.
00:30:42 Once upon a time, there was a boy
00:30:47 Oh, how sad. How unbearably sad.
00:30:53 He didn't seem so.
00:30:58 Perhaps the kind of laughter
00:31:03 Maybe laughter was the only way to...
00:31:10 deal with....
00:31:14 Please go on. To deal with....
00:31:17 To deal with his circumstances.
00:31:23 You seem to understand this boy
00:31:27 I knew his father.
00:31:31 And?
00:31:33 And...
00:31:35 though his father loved him very much...
00:31:39 he could never tell the boy how much....
00:31:44 How much?
00:31:49 He could never tell the boy
00:31:53 Well, this can't be a true story. It can't be.
00:31:56 Why not?
00:31:57 Why could he not tell the boy
00:32:00 Because he didn't know how.
00:32:02 He had the words for many things, you see,
00:32:08 There are only three words for that.
00:32:11 Sometimes they are.
00:32:14 Other times, they're not.
00:32:17 They're impossible.
00:32:21 And he loved the boy's mother, too,
00:32:32 So he never told the boy?
00:32:37 He never told him and then the boy left...
00:32:41 and came to England, and the father had...
00:32:53 lots of time to think about all the things...
00:32:59 all the things that might have been,
00:33:04 He had all the time in the world to think.
00:33:08 And what did he think about?
00:33:11 He thought, he imagined perhaps,
00:33:15 Iooking for his mother.
00:33:20 And what was his mother's name?
00:33:23 -Her name was Eily. Eily Bergin.
00:33:27 And so the father thought
00:33:30 was tell him where he could find his mother.
00:33:36 -Where to find the Phantom Lady?
00:33:39 Please, go on.
00:33:43 She married, had two children.
00:33:45 -Probably won't want to see him.
00:33:50 19 Spencer Rise, in Kilburn.
00:34:14 'Cause you know what I want,
00:34:17 -I want conservative, I want East Finchley...
00:34:22 ...I want powerful.
00:34:26 -You think it works?
00:34:30 -I do look better than her, don't I?
00:35:17 Do you need help, miss?
00:35:21 Yes, I'm doing a survey for British Telecom.
00:35:28 -Do you know where 19 Spencer Rise is?
00:35:32 It's your....
00:35:34 -Can't you read numbers?
00:35:39 So, what's the survey?
00:35:42 Well, it's about telephones.
00:35:46 -Do you have a telephone?
00:35:49 No, not everyone, young man.
00:35:54 Well, we can.
00:35:56 I see.
00:36:01 -And so what is your name?
00:36:07 Patrick.
00:36:08 Patrick.
00:36:11 And how many phones
00:36:13 Shouldn't you be asking my mother?
00:36:17 Yes. Yes, of course I should.
00:36:21 And where would I find her?
00:36:24 Mum, there's a nice lady here
00:36:31 Are you.... Oh, my God!
00:36:38 -You feeling better, love?
00:36:40 -Some more tea?
00:36:45 So, what's this survey about, then?
00:36:51 -It's about phones, Mum.
00:36:56 Yes, British Telecom.
00:37:06 -Are you a multi-phone household?
00:37:10 One in the bedroom, one in the kitchen,
00:37:16 -Geoffrey....
00:37:28 Sorry.
00:37:32 How frequently is your telephone used?
00:37:36 Very. Laura's never off it.
00:37:40 Laura?
00:37:43 My daughter. She's 13.
00:37:46 I see, I see.
00:37:49 You don't have much use for the phone,
00:37:51 No, I suppose not.
00:38:00 -Well, Miss....
00:38:04 Johnston.
00:38:07 If you've any other questions,
00:38:11 No, I think I have more than enough,
00:38:20 -Thank you for the tea.
00:38:22 Bye.
00:38:44 Shouldn't you have a uniform?
00:38:47 No, I shouldn't have a uniform.
00:38:50 The men who put the phones in
00:38:53 Do they, now?
00:38:54 -Aren't they from Telecom?
00:38:58 Then how come Telecom don't know
00:39:00 Well, because
00:39:03 Why don't you just phone up, then,
00:39:06 Because there's nothing
00:39:08 Why don't--
00:39:09 Young man,
00:39:14 You're wrong. I think you're nice.
00:39:18 Well, I think you're nice, too.
00:39:21 -Why are you crying?
00:39:26 I gave your address to Father Liam,
00:39:29 He's been very kind to me, Kitten,
00:39:33 The Special Branch lifted me
00:39:37 And they used that to get to Irwin.
00:39:40 They lifted Charlie on the dope charge.
00:39:45 They said she'd be having the baby
00:39:47 If you didn't what, Irwin?
00:39:52 If I didn't inform them about operations.
00:39:57 -You do it.
00:39:59 I can't. I went to school with his brother.
00:40:02 Hey, lads, did you hear the one
00:40:04 -What Cavan man?
00:40:57 What will I call you?
00:41:01 Father.
00:41:06 You call me "Father." Come in.
00:41:15 I can't.
00:41:18 I prayed, you know.
00:41:22 Did you find her?
00:41:24 Yes. No. Kind of.
00:41:30 Where's Charlie?
00:41:33 She's upstairs. Come on.
00:41:40 After the drugs charge,
00:41:42 so I took her in.
00:41:45 She hardly eats a thing, you know.
00:41:55 Maybe you could....
00:41:58 -Where do you sleep, Father?
00:42:06 Charlie.
00:42:11 Is that you, Kitten?
00:42:14 Charlie. Take it easy now.
00:42:19 Swann's Cross.
00:42:21 -They put a rubbish bag over his head.
00:42:26 My parents told me
00:42:28 Don't think about it, Charlie.
00:42:31 Your baby, that's all that matters now.
00:42:35 And I'm here to help you.
00:43:08 Robins, Father. Would you believe it?
00:43:12 I'm sure the poor things must be starved.
00:43:14 Ta.
00:43:27 You have your mother's eyes,
00:43:31 Color of the ocean beyond Rosses Point.
00:43:38 You took her there?
00:43:44 Many times.
00:43:48 Things could have been so different.
00:43:52 Don't say anything.
00:43:56 Because, you know, the strangest thing...
00:44:00 I went looking for her...
00:44:03 but I found you.
00:44:18 No, in the end it was a blessed release.
00:44:20 She was a lovely woman.
00:44:24 When they opened her up,
00:44:27 A melon? That big?
00:44:30 Maybe it was a grapefruit.
00:44:33 So, we're not exactly blessed with choice,
00:44:38 And is there any rule
00:44:41 you need to dress like a lollipop lady?
00:44:43 -I know of no such rule, Patrick.
00:44:48 This little hippy number
00:44:52 Very nice.
00:44:53 Velvet, Father.
00:44:54 Like crushed grass.
00:44:56 Look, Father.
00:45:02 Oh, can we try the silver fur, missus?
00:45:05 Is it for yourself?
00:45:09 Twenty-five different colored Babygros.
00:45:14 -but I don't need a pram yet, Kitten.
00:45:18 -Where did you get the money?
00:45:23 How much is that doggy in the window?
00:45:27 The one with the
00:45:30 -Is it waggedy or waggly, Charlie?
00:45:35 No, wait a minute.
00:45:37 -Oh, Father?
00:45:40 You know the doggy with the tail?
00:45:45 The song?
00:45:47 Waggedy, I seem to remember.
00:45:51 Aye, waggedy tail.
00:45:52 Waggedy.
00:45:54 How much is that doggy in the window?
00:45:58 The one with the waggedy tail
00:46:02 How much is that doggy in the window?
00:46:06 Oh, Jesus Christ and his holy mother.
00:46:09 -Why doesn't the Bishop do something?
00:46:11 The Bishop we have isn't worth a damn.
00:46:13 -What did she say...?
00:46:17 Now mind your language missus
00:46:29 Do you know something, Thomas?
00:46:31 There are times
00:48:55 ...the welfare state and all.
00:48:57 Can't stay here, anyways.
00:48:59 But you'll come and see us, Father?
00:49:03 Well, the only parish I've been offered
00:49:16 You saved my life, Father.
00:49:21 And mine.
00:49:28 Great, big, fireproof man.
00:49:48 Come on, Charlie, push! Push!
00:49:51 I am pushing, Kitten, fuck you!
00:49:54 -I am pushing!
00:49:56 -Jesus!
00:49:59 It's tearing me apart!
00:50:10 Hey, you're the telephone lady.
00:50:16 If it isn't the young boy
00:50:20 What are you doing here?
00:50:21 Mum's with the doctor.
00:50:27 -I think you mean the oven, young man.
00:50:31 What's your name?
00:50:37 Phantom Lady.
00:50:40 -That's a funny name.
00:50:44 -Is that your baby?
00:50:50 She's having her fireplace checked.
00:50:54 Isn't she? Yes, she is.
00:50:57 -Charlie, darling, this is--
00:51:01 This is my young friend Patrick.
00:51:04 So, how's your fireplace?
00:51:09 And your little bun is just fine, too,
00:51:20 Patrick, there's your mum. You'd better run.
00:51:25 Okay.
00:51:27 Patrick, will you tell her that...
00:51:30 the telephone lady says
00:51:35 -Okay.
00:51:52 -She looks nothing like Mitzi Gaynor
00:51:56 Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said...
00:51:59 I love talking about nothing. It's the