Carry On Loving

en
00:00:18 # Swinging wedding medley
00:01:42 Bye-bye, my old lad,
00:01:45 Wonderful company, lovely food
00:01:50 (Train horn)
00:01:55 Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?
00:01:57 What's that, old chap?
00:01:59 You've been a guest in that gentleman's house
00:02:02 and you tell him to his face
00:02:06 Yes, that's right.
00:02:09 Do you think that's quite correct?
00:02:12 Well, no. Not exactly, no.
00:02:14 But he's such a nice chap,
00:02:20 I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.
00:02:48 (Conductor whistles tune)
00:02:52 - Fare?
00:02:58 Come on, come on. I ain't got all day.
00:03:00 Oh, um, Guildhall, please.
00:03:06 Fares, please. Any more fares, please?
00:03:11 Fares, please.
00:03:16 Going all the way?
00:03:24 Why don't you go down front, sir?
00:04:13 Don't lie to me, Sidney Bliss. You were with
00:04:17 I keep telling you, I only popped in for a bit.
00:04:21 That's long enough for you.
00:04:23 What've you been doing? Holding a stopwatch?
00:04:25 What were you doing going to her flat, anyway?
00:04:27 She's one of our clients, isn't she?
00:04:30 Oh, "vet"! Is that the new word for it?
00:04:32 I can't fix 'em up with the right partners
00:04:37 Like the young widow at the tobacconist?
00:04:42 Oh, God,
00:04:45 Look, it's my job to find out
00:04:49 You should look after the men.
00:04:51 Don't be stupid. I know what they do.
00:04:53 Oh, don't try and joke your way out of it.
00:04:55 What would you say if I started vetting
00:04:58 - I'd say, "Gawd help 'em."
00:05:03 - I've had enough!
00:05:07 - Cut it out!
00:05:09 It's every night!
00:05:11 Sophie, it hurts.
00:05:14 (Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
00:05:19 Come in.
00:05:24 Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
00:05:27 That's all right, sir. We're not ashamed of
00:05:30 - No, dear.
00:05:32 Er, well, it's about your advert.
00:05:36 And you couldn't have come to a better place.
00:05:40 No, indeed.
00:05:41 Well, it looks as if I shall have to leave you
00:05:45 Business before pleasure, my dove.
00:05:49 See you soon, sugar puff.
00:05:50 I'll be counting the moments
00:06:00 It's amazing. Ten years we've been married.
00:06:03 Oh, wonderful. I wouldn't mind a wife like that.
00:06:06 Like that?
00:06:09 We'll find you something more suited to you.
00:06:13 Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
00:06:15 Muffin. Well, we'll have to find you
00:06:20 - I beg your pardon?
00:06:23 - Er, Muffet.
00:06:25 Our charges, and very reasonable they are too,
00:06:27 are two guineas registration,
00:06:31 - Click?
00:06:32 If you click without getting married,
00:06:35 Oh, yes, that's fine.
00:06:38 Bertram Muffin.
00:06:40 Muffet.
00:06:42 That's it, yes. We'll just get a few details. Age?
00:06:45 Oh, er, 17, I think.
00:06:47 17?
00:06:49 Well, I thought the younger she was,
00:06:52 No, no, no. I want your details. Your age.
00:06:54 Oh, 27.
00:06:56 27. And what are you interested in?
00:06:58 Same as most chaps like to do, I suppose.
00:07:00 And that is?
00:07:02 Well, I don't know. I've never done it yet.
00:07:04 You should try it. It's lovely.
00:07:06 What I'm trying to do is
00:07:09 so I can fix you up with a girl who likes it, too.
00:07:11 Oh, yes, I would like a girl who likes it, too.
00:07:13 Yes, it is handy. Hobbies?
00:07:15 Oh, well,
00:07:19 Model aeroplanes?
00:07:21 - Yes, out of milk bottle tops.
00:07:23 - Yes. They're not flying models, of course.
00:07:28 I rather like collecting book matches.
00:07:31 I don't think we'll have much trouble
00:07:33 finding you a girl that likes making aeroplanes
00:07:38 Oh, good.
00:07:39 Right, well, that's the lot.
00:07:41 Oh, wonderful. Er, what happens now?
00:07:44 Come with me.
00:08:04 Now, then.
00:08:05 All we do is feed the information
00:08:09 and, after a few minutes,
00:08:16 What? Through that little slot?
00:08:19 No, no, no.
00:08:21 Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.
00:08:25 This is a fantastic piece of machinery,
00:08:28 This is a miracle of modern technology.
00:08:44 Bottle tops and book matches!
00:08:47 What a catch!
00:08:51 Ah! (Laughs)
00:08:53 Oh, yes. I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.
00:08:59 Here we are, then.
00:09:01 Oh, gosh! That was quick.
00:09:03 - That's the beauty of it, you see, Mr Muffin.
00:09:06 A fellow can spend his lifetime trying to find
00:09:10 Shall we see who the lucky lady is, then?
00:09:16 There's been a slight technical error here.
00:09:18 This one is definitely out of circulation.
00:09:25 What's the idea? Why her?
00:09:27 Why not? She's one of our clients.
00:09:29 - I know that, but she's no good.
00:09:32 All right. You've had your little joke.
00:09:36 You seem to forget, Sidney, dear,
00:09:39 it was chosen by
00:09:42 Or perhaps you'd like me to explain
00:09:46 No, no, no.
00:09:48 We don't need you... darling.
00:09:51 I want to see that
00:09:54 It's a pity about that, Mr Muffin, a great pity.
00:09:57 - Oh, has your computer gone wrong?
00:10:00 - This lady's hobby is not compatible with yours.
00:10:03 Well, she likes to make Christmas decorations
00:10:07 That could lead to fights every morning
00:10:11 I'm sure we wouldn't.
00:10:12 It would bring your aircraft production
00:10:15 Oh, nonsense, sweetheart.
00:10:19 Can't you just imagine these two young people
00:10:23 doing things with their tops?
00:10:25 I'm quite ready to have a go at it if she is,
00:10:28 She's ready all right, mate...
00:10:31 Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.
00:10:33 Her number's on the card. Let me call it.
00:10:35 I'll do it...
00:10:37 darling.
00:10:43 That's it. Now, hold it.
00:10:45 (Phone rings)
00:10:46 Oh, excuse me one moment, will you?
00:10:51 Esme Crowfoot speaking. Can I help you?
00:10:54 Oh, this is Mr Bliss of the Wedded Bliss Agency.
00:10:57 You've got a nerve calling me after the way
00:11:02 Yes, and I'm very sorry if I bothered you,
00:11:05 The fact is we have a young gentleman here
00:11:08 Well, if he's anything like you,
00:11:11 She's all excited about it.
00:11:15 I don't know what you think I am,
00:11:17 but it'll take more than a dozen tired daffodils
00:11:24 That's nice of you to say so.
00:11:27 How about this evening?
00:11:29 - Yes, that's fine with Mr Muffin.
00:11:32 How about the Parkway Cocktail Bar,
00:11:36 Lovely. Fine. Yes, not at all. It's a pleasure.
00:11:41 That's that, then.
00:11:43 Two guineas registration, two guineas for
00:11:47 I'll give you one of our introductory cards,
00:11:51 Oh, yes, thank you.
00:11:52 And you might like to have our little booklet,
00:11:56 a sort of Do-lt-Yourselves.
00:11:58 - I beg your pardon?
00:12:00 Thank you.
00:12:02 Oh, yes, thank you very much.
00:12:05 The Wit To Woo by Sidney Bliss. Interesting.
00:12:07 Yes, well, that's all, then.
00:12:09 And the very, very best of luck to you, Mr Muffet.
00:12:12 Er, Muffin. Erm...
00:12:14 Was there something else?
00:12:15 - Just my change. I gave you a five pound note.
00:12:18 There's two guineas registration, two for
00:12:23 Oh. Oh, yes.
00:12:25 I... Yes. Oh, thank you.
00:12:27 Yes. Not at all. There we are.
00:12:28 Don't forget. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.
00:12:34 Sophie. Sophie!
00:12:36 Now, cut it out, Sophie!
00:12:50 Well, Henry, you heard Mr Snooper's advice.
00:12:53 Do you think we should try it?
00:12:55 If you want to, Emily, but personally I don't think
00:13:01 If I'm to help you sort out your problems,
00:13:07 Do not be afraid to use natural words
00:13:12 You won't easily shock me, I can promise you.
00:13:16 So, let's have all the dirty linen out
00:13:20 Now, who's going to be first? You, Mrs Dreery?
00:13:23 Well, really,
00:13:28 Now, let's try to be more precise.
00:13:33 Oh, no. You know.
00:13:38 Ah, rows, yes. About what, precisely?
00:13:41 Oh, everything. Like the way he went on
00:13:45 I think so, an' all. Look at it!
00:13:47 It must've been made for a bloody midget.
00:13:52 Hardly the cause for a row, Mr Dreery.
00:13:55 You must learn to turn the other cheek,
00:14:01 I didn't come here for a laugh, you know, mate.
00:14:05 Yes, well, there's usually some deeper,
00:14:10 Of course there is.
00:14:12 Let's face it.
00:14:17 You shouldn't have any trouble in that direction.
00:14:21 Some people are far worse off, you know.
00:14:23 - Are you trying to be funny, mate?
00:14:26 You don't seem to get the point, mate.
00:14:28 You see, the trouble with my wife is...
00:14:31 she won't have...
00:14:33 relations.
00:14:35 Oh, I think that's hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.
00:14:38 After all, it's perfectly normal to entertain
00:14:42 No, no, no, no, no.
00:14:44 She won't have...
00:14:47 ...intercourse.
00:14:48 What?! Well, you must chat about something.
00:14:51 What he's trying to say is that we never have it.
00:14:55 That intimacy never takes place between us.
00:14:58 Ah, I see! Well, of course, you should have
00:15:03 Obviously, that's the basic root of the problem.
00:15:06 Yes. Well, of course.
00:15:08 It naturally follows that everyone
00:15:12 That's the trouble: it isn't well balanced.
00:15:15 He's five stone heavier than me.
00:15:18 Mm. Yes. Oh.
00:15:20 I see. Yes, I can understand
00:15:24 Stone the crows. What's he talking about?
00:15:26 But don't you see?
00:15:29 And you're a bloody dead loss.
00:15:31 Don't talk to me like that!
00:15:33 Here I am, trying to help you...
00:15:35 Help me?
00:15:38 How dare you!
00:15:40 You come here using ridiculous words
00:15:43 without having the slightest idea
00:15:46 I don't know what they mean?!
00:15:48 That's it! Get out of my office, do you hear?
00:15:52 We're getting out! Don't worry, mate!
00:15:56 Mr Snooper,
00:15:59 You can be heard all over the building.
00:16:01 I'm sorry. I was trying to give
00:16:04 Advice? You couldn't advise a constipated cow
00:16:08 Sir, sir, if you and your wife
00:16:12 I'll see you in a moment.
00:16:15 Snooper, these incidents are happening
00:16:18 Well, I'm really very, very sorry, sir.
00:16:20 It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have employed
00:16:25 But I know all about married couples.
00:16:28 I'm delighted to hear it, but it's not good enough.
00:16:31 Unless you're prepared to get married,
00:16:35 - Is that understood?
00:16:38 I don't know any women.
00:16:40 Then find one!
00:16:44 But do it. Soon.
00:16:47 Married? lt'll disrupt my entire life!
00:16:52 Well, that's all right, then.
00:16:54 Age, habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes.
00:16:56 Now, did you say you'd been married before?
00:16:58 That's right. Twice.
00:17:00 Are your wives dead?
00:17:02 That's right.
00:17:05 I see.
00:17:06 The first wife died from eating mushrooms.
00:17:09 Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:17:11 So was she.
00:17:14 The second wife died from a fractured skull.
00:17:17 A fractured skull? How did that happen?
00:17:22 Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
00:17:23 Wouldn't eat the mu...
00:17:26 Thank you, Dr Crippen.
00:17:29 Thank you.
00:18:01 You must be joking!
00:18:14 Oh, good afternoon.
00:18:17 Mr Philpot?
00:18:18 That's right. I'm supposed to meet
00:18:22 You wouldn't be?
00:18:23 Jenny is my daughter.
00:18:24 Oh, thank goodness...
00:18:28 That remains to be seen.
00:18:29 Thank you very much.
00:18:33 Jenny is in here, Mr Philpot, having tea.
00:18:36 - You haven't had it, have you?
00:18:40 - Tea, Mr Philpot.
00:18:45 Good afternoon.
00:18:55 Nice day.
00:18:56 This is Mr Philpot, who wishes to marry Jenny.
00:18:59 I say, steady on. I mean,
00:19:03 See how we hit it off, eh?
00:19:05 Mr Philpot, you may as well understand
00:19:08 that there will be no question of "hitting it off"
00:19:12 No, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.
00:19:16 If it's fun you want,
00:19:20 Yes, I can see that.
00:19:22 Well, you may as well meet Jenny
00:19:25 Oh, thanks. Well, nice to have met you all.
00:19:27 She's here, Mr Philpot.
00:19:30 This is Jenny.
00:19:34 How do you do, Jenny?
00:19:36 No physical contact yet, please.
00:19:39 Jenny, get Mr Philpot some tea.
00:19:46 (Crunch)
00:19:47 Oh, I'm so sorry!
00:19:49 I beg your pardon.
00:19:51 (Squeak)
00:19:54 (Boing)
00:19:58 Thank you.
00:20:03 Well, this is jolly nice.
00:20:09 - Sugar?
00:20:10 - Sugar?
00:20:14 Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
00:20:16 I beg your pardon. It slipped.
00:20:18 Sorry.
00:20:20 Oh!
00:20:21 - Mr Philpot?
00:20:23 Would you mind resuming your seat
00:20:26 Yes, I'm so sorry.
00:20:27 (Saucer smashes)
00:20:30 I seem to have... done one of your saucers in.
00:20:33 No matter. It's only Crown Derby.
00:20:36 - Oh, that's all right, then.
00:20:39 Please get Mr Philpot some more tea.
00:20:41 You must think I'm awfully clumsy.
00:20:44 Yes, but we will overlook your more obvious
00:20:49 Regarding the period of courtship...
00:20:51 Yes?
00:20:52 You'll be permitted to see Jenny once a week,
00:20:55 in company of myself, of course,
00:20:58 You mean, I wouldn't be able to see her alone?
00:21:00 Oh, I don't think that'd be at all wise.
00:21:03 Jenny has led a very sheltered life
00:21:06 Really?
00:21:09 - I have done it.
00:21:12 - Put it in.
00:21:14 - The sugar.
00:21:16 And what is your financial status, Mr Philpot?
00:21:21 Excuse me. Actually, I have
00:21:25 Is that all?
00:21:26 Well, it's enough.
00:21:28 Not enough to run a big house of this size.
00:21:30 There's myself, you see,
00:21:35 We don't live extravagantly,
00:21:38 Just a minute. Just a minute.
00:21:40 Just supposing I was mug enough to marry her,
00:21:45 Naturally.
00:21:47 We have always been and we intend to remain
00:21:51 Oh, no, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out.
00:21:55 All-night parties. Strip poker. Pot-smoking.
00:21:58 No, I'm afraid not.
00:21:59 I'll say goodbye and thank you for the tea.
00:22:10 Bye.
00:22:15 I like him.
00:22:22 Wedded Bliss Agency.
00:22:26 Oh, hello, Mr Philpot. How was the introduction?
00:22:29 (Garbled speech)
00:22:31 Yes, I'm sorry she wasn't quite
00:22:34 I can't vet them all personally.
00:22:38 - Her mother did what?
00:22:41 Well, yes, yes, and I sympathise, Mr Philpot.
00:22:44 Hang on, hang on a minute, will you?
00:22:46 Maybe I can put you onto something
00:22:49 Er...
00:22:51 Oh, yes.
00:22:53 We have Miss Adams here.
00:22:56 Just the job for you - and she can cook, too.
00:22:58 Yes? Right.
00:23:01 The phone number is 663404271, right?
00:23:04 Not at all, Mr Philpot.
00:23:08 (Blows raspberry)
00:23:09 And you.
00:23:13 Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something
00:23:23 Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.
00:23:25 Well?
00:23:26 About me fixing it up for that young Muffin fellow
00:23:30 I don't like the sound of this. What are you up to?
00:23:33 Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.
00:23:35 And what happens when he goes down
00:23:38 Oh, I'd forgotten about that. That's a nuisance.
00:23:42 Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. I'll come, too.
00:23:47 Why not? Oh, wait a minute. You can't.
00:23:50 Oh, well, in that case,
00:23:54 You stay here and see Mr Snooper.
00:23:56 Oh, no, that wouldn't be fair, would it?
00:23:58 I got him into this mess,
00:24:01 I've got a few calls to make on the way.
00:24:04 When will you be seeing me?
00:24:06 Sidney Bliss!
00:24:10 I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.
00:24:23 Oh, hello! Of course I remember you, Mrs Bliss.
00:24:27 Yes, we last met at that wedding
00:24:31 Yes, it was a pity about that.
00:24:33 No, they never did find the bride again.
00:24:35 Such a nice girl, too.
00:24:38 Well, I rang you, Mr Bedsop,
00:24:41 Mr Bliss, actually.
00:24:43 My husband, yes, that's right.
00:24:45 Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.
00:24:49 Rotten,
00:24:51 cheating,
00:24:53 lying ba...
00:24:54 No! No, Mrs Bliss,
00:24:57 Yes. Yes.
00:25:00 The general appearance
00:25:04 And what's more, I can tell you
00:25:07 At the Parkway Hotel Cocktail Bar.
00:25:10 Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss.
00:25:12 Check. Roger, over and out.
00:25:26 No filming tonight, then, Sally?
00:25:28 No, worst luck. I have to meet a photographer
00:25:32 Some more pin -ups, eh?
00:25:33 That's it. Sally Martin,
00:25:38 pictured in her home, with everything about her
00:26:08 How do you do? Meeting you is
00:26:23 (Clears throat)
00:26:25 Excuse me... but I'm from the agency.
00:26:29 Oh, yes. Hello.
00:26:30 Hello.
00:26:33 Well?
00:26:34 Muffet. Bertram Muffet.
00:26:37 Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffet?
00:26:40 Fine, thank you.
00:26:43 It's the most exciting moment of my life
00:26:47 Really?
00:26:49 Oh, well, er, it's nice to meet someone
00:26:53 They told me at the agency, you see.
00:26:56 Don't go and spoil it.
00:26:58 I wonder if you would do me a pleasure?
00:27:00 What?
00:27:02 Um, the pleasure of having a meal somewhere.
00:27:04 Oh. Well, it's really very sweet of you,
00:27:09 Isn't it?
00:27:11 No.
00:27:13 Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go
00:27:24 Some blokes have all the luck.
00:27:30 Excuse me. Have you had a fellow in here
00:27:32 We never get any other kind.
00:27:34 Don't mess about. Small, skinny fellow.
00:27:36 - A bit dopey-looking.
00:27:38 - He left with Miss Martin.
00:27:40 Sally Martin.
00:27:43 Oh.
00:27:45 She's taken him back to her place...
00:27:47 Pardon?
00:27:49 - That's what she said.
00:27:51 And I called him a dope!
00:27:57 Well, this is it.
00:28:00 I share with another girl, but you don't have
00:28:04 Ooh, it's very nice. Very nice, indeed.
00:28:06 - Well, anyway, it's better than Regents Park.
00:28:10 Yes. That's where I did it last time.
00:28:13 - Really?
00:28:15 It was awful. Freezing cold.
00:28:19 I'm not surprised.
00:28:20 I suppose so.
00:28:22 Still, it's annoying.
00:28:25 Now, that's my bedroom, and
00:28:30 You'll want to go in there, won't you?
00:28:31 Oh, no, thanks. Not just at the moment.
00:28:34 Please yourself.
00:28:37 In the bath? Certainly not.
00:28:40 Oh. Well, I've got this big sponge,
00:28:43 I'm sure you could do something with that.
00:28:45 No, thank you.
00:28:46 OK. OK. You're doing it.
00:28:50 Well, really, I'm quite happy in here.
00:28:53 Fine. Well, you get all ready, then,
00:28:57 No, no, no, don't!
00:29:00 - Well, I haven't got all night.
00:29:03 I mean...
00:29:04 Well, you look absolutely lovely as you are.
00:29:07 In this? You must be joking!
00:29:09 No, really. I like it.
00:29:11 Well, it's very sweet of you to say so,
00:29:14 I mean, I'm not crazy about stripping off, believe
00:29:19 So, I say, if they want it, let 'em have it.
00:31:04 - Ooh!
00:31:07 Hey, come back here!
00:31:10 And just what are you playing about at?
00:31:12 Everything's all right, Officer.
00:31:15 - I was looking for a man who I was following.
00:31:18 - I think you'd better come with me.
00:31:21 I was following a man.
00:31:22 He went in the cloakroom, so I followed him.
00:31:24 W-W-W-Wh...
00:31:26 (Cackles)
00:31:36 Ooh! If they get any shorter,
00:31:40 Taxi! Taxi!
00:31:45 Rogerham Mansions.
00:31:47 Watch it!
00:31:50 You deaf old twit! Go to that address.
00:31:53 Quick as you can.
00:31:58 Come back, you fool! Here!
00:32:01 Taxi!
00:32:05 Follow that cab.
00:32:07 (Mouths)
00:32:12 OK. I'm ready.
00:32:17 Well, you don't have to look so worried.
00:32:20 Do you like it? It's Orlon.
00:32:22 It looks more like "all off" to me.
00:32:24 Where do you want me?
00:32:27 Well, I really don't mind.
00:32:29 Well, you say, you're the expert.
00:32:32 How about on the bed?
00:32:33 No.
00:32:35 Well, where, then?
00:32:36 Well, I mean,
00:32:39 Sit and talk? What about?
00:32:42 Anything. I mean,
00:32:46 Just a minute.
00:32:48 Is this the first time you've ever done this?
00:32:50 Yes.
00:32:52 Oh, no. Don't say they've sent me a learner.
00:32:55 But I know what to do.
00:32:58 Oh, well. I suppose everybody's got to start
00:33:03 So, let's give it a try, eh?
00:33:08 I only bought this outfit this morning.
00:33:10 I hope it shows enough.
00:33:12 Oh, yes, plenty.
00:33:13 Well, if it doesn't, just yell out.
00:33:15 Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?
00:33:25 Throw me a cushion, can you?
00:33:29 That's it.
00:33:31 How's that?
00:33:32 Wonderful.
00:33:34 Well, come on, then. Where is it?
00:33:37 Where's what?
00:33:40 Your camera.
00:33:42 Oh, but I haven't got one.
00:33:43 What? What's that in your case?
00:33:46 Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.
00:33:48 Your what?
00:33:50 Model aeroplanes.
00:33:52 Why would I want to see
00:33:55 Well, they told me at the agency that you make
00:34:00 - That's what I make these with.
00:34:04 Right. I've never done that. It must be fun.
00:34:06 Oh, yes, yes. It's really great fun.
00:34:10 But just who at the agency
00:34:14 The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss. This one.
00:34:17 The Wedded Bliss Agency.
00:34:20 This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin.
00:34:23 - Yes, it should be Muffet.
00:34:26 Oh, dear me, no. I'm an undertaker's assistant.
00:34:28 An undertaker's... Oh!
00:34:30 Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Muffin...
00:34:33 - Muffet.
00:34:35 I think you've met the wrong person.
00:34:37 - You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you?
00:34:39 You see, I was going to meet a man
00:34:42 and when you said you were from the agency,
00:34:47 Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
00:34:52 Oh, what an idiot I've been. Excuse me.
00:34:57 You don't have to go. It wasn't your fault.
00:34:59 - I'm terribly sorry.
00:35:02 (Laughs)
00:35:38 All right?
00:35:52 Well, that's it. Can't go any further.
00:36:45 You! I said I never wanted to see you again.
00:36:48 Help me! Help me!
00:36:50 What's happened to you? You're all wet.
00:36:52 I'm sorry, I didn't know anybody else
00:36:55 What have you been doing? Come on inside.
00:36:58 Thank you. Thank you.
00:37:00 You're soaking. What have you been doing?
00:37:03 I couldn't help it. I just couldn't face
00:37:07 What do you mean?
00:37:08 I tried to drown myself.
00:37:10 Where? What in?
00:37:12 The canal.
00:37:14 Canal? What canal?
00:37:16 What does it matter what canal?
00:37:19 Well, that was a silly thing to do.
00:37:23 Who cares about that
00:37:25 Why didn't you drown?
00:37:27 I forgot I could swim.
00:37:29 Come on. Get those wet things off
00:37:33 Fancy! No-one's ever tried to do away
00:37:37 - I'm flattered.
00:37:41 I didn't really mean it, Sidney, you know,
00:37:45 Thank you.
00:37:49 I've got better bits.
00:37:52 I'll put this by the fire.
00:37:55 Eh? Oh!
00:37:57 Oh, yes. Well, I mean,
00:38:01 Then, we'd better have it off, hadn't we?
00:38:03 You took the thought right out of my mind.
00:38:21 (Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
00:38:29 - Mr Snooper, is it?
00:38:32 Oh, do come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here.
00:38:36 - Oh, thank you.
00:38:38 You don't mind discussing your problems
00:38:41 Oh, no, not at all.
00:38:44 Really?
00:38:45 I hope you don't mind my coming so late, but
00:38:50 and the streets were clear.
00:38:51 I wouldn't like to be seen coming here,
00:38:55 Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed
00:38:59 The mating instinct is in all of us.
00:39:04 I know! I have to spend half my time
00:39:08 I beg your pardon?
00:39:09 I am a marriage guidance counsellor, Mrs Bliss,
00:39:13 and my superior feels it would be advantageous
00:39:19 Oh, I understand.
00:39:22 Though, I must confess, I find it difficult
00:39:28 and distinguished-looking as yourself
00:39:33 That is very true, of course,
00:39:39 Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper,
00:39:43 about the house, of course.
00:39:45 Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing.
00:39:49 So, what you really want is a wife
00:39:55 Good gracious, no! He has his own wife.
00:39:58 Yes, of course.
00:40:00 Well, I'm quite sure that
00:40:04 A woman with charm and intelligence who can
00:40:10 - Yes. And bring me a cup of tea in bed.
00:40:14 I always fancy it in the mornings, you know.
00:40:16 Really?
00:40:18 Oh, yes. Gets the system going.
00:40:23 Once a week, I dine at my club.
00:40:25 Once a week, I play squash.
00:40:28 Once a week, bridge, and so on.
00:40:32 Yes, of course. Well, I think
00:40:36 Precisely.
00:40:38 Well, I'm sure that
00:40:42 And being a virile man,
00:40:46 Oh, no! A fully-grown woman, I think.
00:40:58 Excuse me, I'd like to use the phone, if I may.
00:41:05 I'm awfully sorry to disturb you,
00:41:16 Oh. Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you,
00:41:19 but would you have a sixpence
00:41:24 By any chance?
00:41:30 Oh. Oh, thank you very much.
00:41:33 Thank you.
00:41:34 Well, here's your receipt, Mr Snooper,
00:41:37 and we'll be getting in touch with you very soon
00:41:41 Thank you very much. And I must let you
00:41:45 Well, it is a long day
00:41:48 Well, as long as it's not through overwork.
00:41:52 (Phone rings)
00:41:58 Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.
00:42:01 Ah, Mr Muffet.
00:42:03 Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss,
00:42:06 I seem to have met the wrong girl. Yes.
00:42:11 Um, no, I got the right place and time,
00:42:14 but there was this girl who thought
00:42:18 And we didn't find out her mistake... I mean,
00:42:23 But I don't understand this, Mr Muffet.
00:42:26 Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar?
00:42:28 No? Are you sure?
00:42:33 I see.
00:42:35 Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing,
00:42:39 Look, you still want to meet Miss Crowfoot,
00:42:42 Good.
00:42:44 Why don't you go to her flat?
00:42:47 Yes. I'll give you the address.
00:42:50 Um, Rogerham Mansions, yes. Dunham Road.
00:42:54 Right. Yes, and thank you.
00:43:10 Esme! Esme!
00:43:20 - Are you feeling better now?
00:43:22 But I might if I didn't have to
00:43:25 Oh, don't you think he's rather gorgeous?
00:43:27 - Gorgeous?!
00:43:29 Griper would be more like it.
00:43:31 Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.
00:43:33 Get away! I thought it was a ballet dancer.
00:43:35 Well, he and I had quite a thing once.
00:43:37 I don't know what it was,
00:43:39 Probably the Indian death lock.
00:43:41 Then he had to go to America
00:43:44 Obviously the same as me,
00:43:46 Now, don't start that nonsense all over again.
00:43:49 Nonsense? Haven't you heard?
00:43:52 I've done my share of keeping it going
00:43:56 - Me, for instance. Come here!
00:44:00 Sidney, you mustn't! Not in your condition.
00:44:03 - Right now I couldn't be in a better condition.
00:44:06 Oh, come on, darling.
00:44:12 No!
00:44:14 Oh, blimey, why not?
00:44:16 Because I am keeping myself.
00:44:19 - That's all right. I don't want to keep you.
00:44:23 - You're making a big mistake.
00:44:25 - It's like a car, isn't it?
00:44:28 You lay it up for a few years,
00:44:31 True.
00:44:33 But if it has a regular service... no trouble.
00:44:35 - Look, it's not that I don't want to, Sid, but...
00:44:38 (Doorbell rings)
00:44:39 - Who can that be?
00:44:42 - I have to. It might be business.
00:44:44 I'll get rid of them as quick as I can.
00:44:49 (Doorbell rings)
00:44:55 Pussycat!
00:44:56 Gripper! Oh!
00:45:01 Oh! W-W-When did you get back?
00:45:04 Just now. I had enough of it over there.
00:45:07 Besides, I missed you too much.
00:45:10 I'm sure you did, Gripper.
00:45:13 - Eh?
00:45:16 Oh... There.
00:45:19 Nobody can say Gripper Burke don't fight fair.
00:45:22 No, no, no!
00:45:23 Oh, Esme, darling,
00:45:26 I'm sure you can't, but not tonight, please.
00:45:29 What? You haven't found somebody else,
00:45:32 - Oh, no, of course not, no.
00:45:35 - Seconds out. Second round. Doing!
00:45:39 Hey!
00:45:41 No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please!
00:45:44 No, no, Gripper!
00:45:46 No! No!
00:45:48 Gotcha!
00:45:50 My favourite hold, remember?
00:45:53 Yes, but I don't really feel like
00:45:56 - That's all right. We've got all night.
00:46:00 Oh, all right, then.
00:46:02 There. That's better.
00:46:04 'Ere, let me tell you about my last fight
00:46:07 Man Mountain Dawson they call him.
00:46:10 Man Mountain?! More like Ant Heap, he was!
00:46:16 He couldn't have wrestled with
00:46:19 Anyway, in the first round, he comes out
00:46:26 - It sounds fascinating, Gripper, go on.
00:46:33 - You've got a bloke here!
00:46:36 Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!
00:46:45 See? I told you there was no-one here.
00:46:55 - Do you think I'm daft or something?
00:46:57 - Eh?
00:46:59 Tell me, then.
00:47:01 I was just drying them off for someone.
00:47:03 Yeah? Well, he'd better not come back
00:47:10 (Thunderclap)
00:47:13 Oh, no!
00:47:17 Honest, Gripper, I haven't seen any other men
00:47:20 - Honest?
00:47:24 (Doorbell rings)
00:47:29 Good evening.
00:47:32 Yeah. What about it?
00:47:34 Well, they said if I was to come here,
00:47:38 Oh, they did, did they?
00:47:40 Yes, Mr Bliss said that
00:47:43 Oh.
00:47:45 - Well, you'd better come in, hadn't you?
00:47:48 Hello. I'm from the agency.
00:47:50 I don't know what you're talking about.
00:47:54 You're from the agency, did you say?
00:47:57 Yes, that's right. Muffet's the name.
00:48:06 - Gripper! What are you doing?
00:48:17 Aaaah!
00:48:22 Good night, Esme.
00:48:25 Hello, is that the Wedded Bliss Agency?
00:48:29 Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffet.
00:48:35 Yes.
00:48:37 What?
00:48:39 What's he doing in a hospital?
00:48:41 What?
00:48:42 Look, darling, I love you, I adore you
00:48:46 - but not for this particular job.
00:48:48 No bristols. You're flat-chested.
00:48:50 Adrian, please!
00:48:52 - What do you mean, flat-chested?
00:48:54 Sally, did you hear him? Am I flat-chested?
00:48:58 I don't know. Turn around and let's have a look.
00:49:00 Oh, ha-ha!
00:49:02 You've never worried about it before.
00:49:04 Look, I have told you, for this particular job,
00:49:07 All right. Go and find someone else. I don't care.
00:49:09 I wish I could.
00:49:12 You think I'd tell you?
00:49:15 Look, darling, I love you, but if I can't find
00:49:19 Hello. Are you still there?
00:49:21 I'm sorry. I was interrupted.
00:49:23 Could you tell me which hospital he's in?
00:49:26 Oh, thanks.
00:49:27 Thanks a lot.
00:49:33 (Doorbell rings)
00:49:38 Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert
00:49:42 Oh, yes. Come in.
00:49:44 Thank you.
00:49:48 There's two of us here at the moment,
00:49:51 It'll be about L#5 a week each. All right?
00:49:55 Oh, yes. At least it will be
00:49:58 Oh, what do you do, then?
00:49:59 Well, I was a stuffer.
00:50:01 I beg your pardon?
00:50:02 Oh. For sausage meat.
00:50:05 In a sausage factory.
00:50:07 Oh, yes.
00:50:09 You know, putting it in.
00:50:10 Why did you give it up?
00:50:12 Well, it wasn't a very interesting job.
00:50:16 I'm sure you'll find something else.
00:50:19 I've got to go.
00:50:22 I wish I were dead.
00:50:26 - Er, this is Adrian.
00:50:30 Darling girl, where did you come from? Heaven?
00:50:32 No. Fulham.
00:50:34 Hm?
00:50:35 Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.
00:50:39 What does he mean?
00:50:40 Oh, darling, let me rest my mince pies.
00:50:46 - Knockout.
00:50:48 They are all yours, I take it?
00:50:49 Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.
00:50:51 Oh, yeah, of course. They must be.
00:50:55 What?
00:50:56 Your clothes. I want to have a butcher's at you.
00:50:58 Who do you think I am?
00:51:01 Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop!
00:51:04 Really? Well, what do you do, then, darling?
00:51:07 I shouldn't tell him that if I was you.
00:51:09 As a matter of fact,
00:51:13 Oh?
00:51:15 Well, you are now, my darling. Phwoar!
00:51:55 'Ere, I never quite gathered, mate,
00:51:59 Me?
00:52:02 Oh, nothing at all. Why?
00:52:04 There must be something wrong.
00:52:05 No, I'm fine.
00:52:11 He's over there.
00:52:13 Oh, thanks. I promise I'll only be a few minutes.
00:52:17 Oh!
00:52:19 Oh, I say, I'm awfully sorry. I didn't see you...
00:52:24 Gosh! You!
00:52:25 Yes.
00:52:26 Well, nobody can accuse us
00:52:30 But how did you get here?
00:52:31 Well, you left your card that night
00:52:34 Oh, I see.
00:52:39 Oh. Excuse me.
00:52:43 I came because I wanted to apologise
00:52:46 You? But I'm the one who should apologise.
00:52:50 No, it was really all my fault.
00:52:54 Oh, nonsense.
00:52:56 Anyway, nothing did happen, did it?
00:52:58 No. But what must you have thought of me,
00:53:02 Well, I can tell you now, I did feel a bit shaky.
00:53:05 Especially when you asked me
00:53:08 And you should have seen your face when I laid
00:53:13 And I turned and bolted!
00:53:15 Well, er...
00:53:17 I just wanted to say sorry.
00:53:19 I'll have to go now.
00:53:21 Oh, no, look, wait. Look, I get out of here
00:53:25 Well, if you really want to.
00:53:27 Oh, rather! I'd like to see a lot more of you.
00:53:31 Oh, well, there isn't much
00:53:33 No, I don't mean that.
00:53:35 No, I know.
00:53:37 Well, if you'd like to give me a call sometime...
00:53:39 - Yes, soon as I get out.
00:53:41 Bye for now, then.
00:53:43 - Oh.
00:53:45 Um, don't think I'm being nosy,
00:53:50 I haven't got a girl, if that's it.
00:53:51 No, but do you really make model aeroplanes
00:53:56 Yes.
00:53:58 Oh. Good.
00:54:02 Bye.
00:54:07 Aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?
00:54:09 Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing,
00:54:13 What?
00:54:14 Well, you know, her stripping off
00:54:17 Oh, yes.
00:54:19 - And you turned and ran?
00:54:22 Blimey! And you say
00:54:36 And the next, please.
00:54:40 Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise.
00:54:44 Thank you.
00:54:45 Well, what brings you here
00:54:48 Not a marital problem, I trust? (Laughs)
00:54:51 Well, hardly, Mr Snooper.
00:54:55 Yes, well, of course, that would be...
00:54:57 What?
00:55:01 Well, not that either, unfortunately.
00:55:03 I don't understand.
00:55:05 For business reasons, he thought it would be
00:55:09 Of course, we always had an understanding
00:55:13 At least, I had an understanding.
00:55:16 How long has this been going on?
00:55:18 - Ten years.
00:55:21 Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.
00:55:23 Miss Plummet, actually.
00:55:25 Miss Plummet, oh.
00:55:27 How nice.
00:55:29 And you would like me to talk to Mr Bliss?
00:55:31 Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.
00:55:34 No, really, I came to talk about us...
00:55:38 About us?
00:55:40 Yes, you see, I've been studying your case
00:55:45 And frankly, I feel that I am the only one
00:55:47 who comes anywhere near
00:55:52 Oh, well, I don't know about that. I'd have to...
00:55:56 Oh, please, listen to me, Mr Snooper.
00:55:58 I'm sure you'll agree that
00:56:01 Oh, no. No, not at all.
00:56:04 So, as far as sex is concerned,
00:56:08 - Yes, well, the position is half the battle, isn't it?
00:56:13 As your wife, I would run your home efficiently,
00:56:20 and await any further demands... hopefully.
00:56:25 Well, that is a most generous offer,
00:56:29 I promise you, Mr Snooper,
00:56:34 Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it,
00:56:39 Of course.
00:56:40 I've been a bachelor for so long,
00:56:42 I can't help wondering
00:56:46 - You know...
00:56:49 On the other hand, with you, I can't help
00:56:53 Well, don't worry.
00:57:00 What do you mean,
00:57:03 But, Sophie, I need you here.
00:57:05 What? Oh, that's nice, after all I've done for you.
00:57:08 Now, listen. So...
00:57:10 Sophie.
00:57:13 What's the matter with her? What have I done?
00:57:17 Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?
00:57:20 You can give me my money back.
00:57:23 - Why? What's up?
00:57:25 First of all, you sent me to see a girl
00:57:29 Yeah, how about that? I never tried it.
00:57:30 A mouse. I've got more sex in my little finger.
00:57:34 If that weren't bad enough,
00:57:37 "An absolute cracker," you said.
00:57:38 That's true. I vetted her personally.
00:57:40 - "A good cook," you said.
00:57:43 She had something cooking... in the oven.
00:57:45 In the oven?
00:57:46 Yeah, by my reckoning, for about five months -
00:57:49 Oh, my gawd!
00:57:53 It's all right. I'm in the clear.
00:57:55 - You won't be if I don't get my money back.
00:57:58 I'll tell you what, I've got another one
00:58:02 No. You know what you can do with
00:58:05 I don't, but if you'd care to find out...
00:58:07 Give me back my money,
00:58:09 They'll never find you anything any good.
00:58:11 Fraud! That's what it is.
00:58:14 Steady on. Why don't you just
00:58:18 (Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)
00:58:21 Just give me my money back...
00:58:25 Oh! Excuse me.
00:58:27 Am I interrupting?
00:58:31 Not at all, miss. Can I help you?
00:58:33 I just popped in to say that
00:58:36 You? You're on our books?
00:58:38 Don't you remember me?
00:58:39 - No.
00:58:41 - Jenny Grubb.
00:58:44 I came round to your place for tea
00:58:46 Yes, and you weren't very impressed, were you?
00:58:49 No... Yes, yes!
00:58:51 It's just that you were dressed
00:58:54 My parents believe in covering me up.
00:58:56 - They're an old-fashioned pair, you know.
00:59:01 Just hang on a minute,
00:59:02 Mr Philpot, it's my client, if you don't mind.
00:59:04 You want to come off our list.
00:59:08 Well, no, no-one special.
00:59:10 I'm a model. And a new flat to live in,
00:59:14 You couldn't have come at a better time.
00:59:17 Oh, no, I can't do that.
00:59:20 It's for a new kind of body stocking
00:59:24 - Come in here, I'll get you out of it.
00:59:27 Here, I've got the old jam jar outside.
00:59:30 Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.
00:59:32 Come on, then.
00:59:33 You've forgotten something.
00:59:36 Me? What would I want my money back for?
00:59:39 Have I?
00:59:41 Splendid.
00:59:49 Grubb. Jenny Grubb.
00:59:53 Let's have a look at this.
00:59:55 Miss Jenny Grubb. Age: 24 years.
01:00:01 Height: 5' 6". Never had any.
01:00:04 Eh? Oh, hobbies.
01:00:14 Well, this is it.
01:00:16 - All right?
01:00:18 Ooh, you! You'd say a lumber room was sexy.
01:00:20 Only if I was rummaging through
01:00:25 Have you got in here again?
01:00:27 (Jenny claps her hands)
01:00:28 - Come on out.
01:00:30 Oh, it's the porter's, darned thing.
01:00:33 It's always sneaking in here.
01:00:39 Shoo, Cooking Fat, shoo!
01:00:41 (Jenny claps)
01:00:45 - Cooking Fat?
01:00:47 They can't call it that, surely?
01:00:49 Well, that's what it sounds like.
01:00:55 Come and get comfy.
01:00:57 Here, are you sure
01:00:59 No, not until after 11.
01:01:02 - God, I really fancy you, Jenny.
01:01:06 Oh, let me get at you.
01:01:08 (Crunch)
01:01:10 Urgh!
01:01:12 They're not yours, surely?
01:01:15 No, they're Gaye's. She really is a flat mate.
01:01:18 Come here, you little raver.
01:01:20 Oh, steady on. There's plenty of time.
01:01:22 And plenty of inclination.
01:01:24 Mm.
01:01:32 - Oh, Terry, stop it.
01:01:34 - What are you doing?
01:01:36 - You've got a sauce.
01:01:40 As if I'd tell you, anyway!
01:01:42 - It's on the other side.
01:01:45 - That's better.
01:01:47 - What's the matter?
01:01:49 - Oh, Jenny...
01:01:56 (Zipper)
01:02:06 Oh, sorry, Jenny, I didn't know you were here.
01:02:09 I didn't know you were here.
01:02:11 Sally, this is my night. Wednesday.
01:02:13 I know. It's all right. I'm going out.
01:02:16 As soon as I find my blue sweater, anyway.
01:02:22 Have you had it?
01:02:25 Not yet.
01:02:26 No, I have not had your blue sweater,
01:02:28 and if you must go on looking for it in here,
01:02:31 Oh, sorry.
01:02:33 But I've got to find it.
01:02:35 Oh, I know. I bet Gaye's had it again.
01:02:38 Do you want me to close the door?
01:02:40 Yes, please.
01:02:45 Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
01:02:47 Not at all. It's a good job
01:02:53 - Oh, Terry...
01:02:57 (Zipper)
01:03:00 I found it.
01:03:01 (Zipper)
01:03:03 Ooh, sorry. I won't bother you any more.
01:03:08 Do you want me to close the door?
01:03:10 BOTH: Yes!
01:03:14 Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.
01:03:17 Don't mention it. Don't mention it.
01:03:20 You are sweet.
01:03:22 - Oh, Jenny...
01:03:25 (Zipper)
01:03:29 - Oh, blimey!
01:03:32 Men! I've had them up to here.
01:03:34 Oh, no.
01:03:36 Gaye, what are you doing here?
01:03:37 It is my flat, isn't it?
01:03:39 Yes, but it's Wednesday. My night.
01:03:41 Oh, I'm sorry, but I've had another flaming row
01:03:46 Gaye, I've got a friend here.
01:03:48 Oh, well, you don't have to worry.
01:03:55 I'm glad this is your night.
01:03:58 - Oh, Terry...
01:04:02 Give me a number between one and ten.
01:04:04 Seven.
01:04:06 You lose. Get your clothes off.
01:04:07 (Zipper)
01:04:09 (Doorbell rings)
01:04:11 (Zipper)
01:04:12 If that's Bertie,
01:04:15 - Do it yourself, I'm busy.
01:04:18 (Doorbell rings)
01:04:21 If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!
01:04:25 (Doorbell rings)
01:04:29 - Oh, I could scream!
01:04:32 Ow!
01:04:35 (Persistent doorbell)
01:04:38 All right. Where is she? Where is that cow?
01:04:42 Gaye's in her room
01:04:44 - Well, I want to see her.
01:04:46 Oh. How do you do?
01:04:47 Hello.
01:04:49 - Open up, there! I want to talk to you!
01:04:53 I'll break the door down!
01:04:54 - Adrian!
01:04:55 That is a cupboard!
01:04:56 Oh.
01:04:58 Sorry.
01:05:01 Open up. I want to talk to you.
01:05:03 Well, I don't want to talk to you.
01:05:05 - I'll stay here all night if I have to.
01:05:10 Well? What have you got to say?
01:05:12 Darling, you know I can't exist without you.
01:05:14 You seem to be able to exist with all those
01:05:18 Oh, they mean nothing to me! You know that.
01:05:24 Oh, Terry!
01:05:29 (Doorbell rings)
01:05:31 Oh, good. Company.
01:05:32 Oh, I'm fed up with this!
01:05:40 - Yes?
01:05:43 No. But do come in.
01:05:45 Oh, thank you.
01:05:51 Oh, hello.
01:05:53 Oh, I'm sorry if I'm barging in.
01:05:57 Chance'd be a fine thing!
01:06:02 Quite a nice evening.
01:06:04 Charming.
01:06:05 I thought it would rain earlier.
01:06:07 - Really?
01:06:10 Anyway, we'll probably get it tonight.
01:06:12 We'll be bloody lucky if we do, mate.
01:06:14 (Door opens)
01:06:17 Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
01:06:20 Oh, that's all right.
01:06:22 Well? What are we going to do, then?
01:06:24 Well, if you'd like to stop in and make
01:06:28 Er, no, I don't think that would
01:06:33 All right. If that's the way it's to be,
01:06:37 - I will. I mean it.
01:06:41 - Not in here.
01:06:43 Go on. Shoot the lot,
01:06:46 - Goodbye.
01:06:53 Oh, take cover!
01:07:16 Boo!
01:07:18 Aren't you getting tired of following me about?
01:07:20 Excuse, gentle sir.
01:07:24 Oh, gawd! A Bombay Bond!
01:07:27 Ha-ha! Fooled him that time.
01:07:29 15:02.
01:07:31 Suspect left Cock Inn,
01:07:46 - Sophie, you're back!
01:07:48 Come on. Surely you're not still suspicious
01:07:52 Ino longer care where you go,
01:07:54 Oh, don't be like that. How about dinner tonight?
01:07:58 You mean, like old time? And I paid the bill.
01:08:00 All right. So it's my turn tonight.
01:08:02 No, thank you. Anyway,
01:08:05 - Alone?
01:08:06 I hope you've got your tin drawers on.
01:08:08 - (Laughs)
01:08:11 Have you gone raving mad?
01:08:14 - He's a gentleman.
01:08:17 Well, have you any alternative suggestions
01:08:21 - Yes, of course I have.
01:08:22 Stay here with me.
01:08:25 - Goodbye, Sidney.
01:08:28 I'll be lost without you. So will the business.
01:08:31 Ineed a woman. You know that.
01:08:32 Then I suggest you put the details on the
01:08:38 All right, go, then!
01:08:40 See if I care.
01:08:42 Marvellous. Give a woman the best years
01:08:46 Mr bleedin' Snooper...
01:08:53 Snooper, Percival.
01:08:57 Age 43, handsome,
01:09:01 That's him all right.
01:09:04 Hobbies: reading, walking, playing bridge,
01:09:07 around antique shops.
01:09:08 45 Bolstrode Avenue.
01:09:12 Fancy! Well, I think it's time
01:09:24 Hello, Esme.
01:09:26 Sidney? You've got a nerve ringing me.
01:09:29 I was wondering if you could
01:09:32 No, not that. Could you meet me tonight?
01:09:33 I can't. You know how jealous Gripper gets.
01:09:38 Engaged? Congratulations.
01:09:39 You know I wouldn't bother you
01:09:43 Well, all right,
01:09:46 That's a good girl. Meet me outside
01:09:49 And wear your sexiest see-through.
01:09:51 Whatever for?
01:09:52 Well, just because I can't touch,
01:09:56 All right. See you then. Ta-ta.
01:10:00 (Blows raspberry)
01:10:24 (Doorbell rings)
01:10:25 It's all right, Miss Dempsey. I'll go.
01:10:29 Very good, sir.
01:10:33 Ah, Miss Plummet!
01:10:39 This is Miss Dempsey,
01:10:42 Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you, Miss Dempsey.
01:10:45 Mr Snooper has told me
01:10:48 I've always done my best, I'm sure.
01:10:50 Oh, a treasure. I'd be lost without her.
01:10:52 Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on
01:10:56 Miss Dempsey.
01:10:58 Married? Oh!
01:11:01 What on earth's the matter with her?
01:11:03 - Oh, surely you know? She's in love with you.
01:11:07 Of course. You must have felt it on occasions?
01:11:10 Certainly not. No. I've never laid a finger on her.
01:11:14 Would you care for a glass of sherry?
01:11:18 Throw me aside like an old, worn -out slipper,
01:11:25 If I can't have him, nobody else is,
01:11:29 Ah! Ah, I always knew
01:11:33 Ha-ha!
01:11:38 It's a delightful house, Percival.
01:11:40 I shall be very happy here.
01:11:42 Good. I think you'll like
01:11:47 You mean, we won't be sleeping together, then?
01:11:50 Oh, good gracious, no, my dear. Why on earth
01:11:55 Yes, but I think it's a wife's duty
01:11:59 for the warmth and comfort it brings.
01:12:02 Oh, you don't want to worry about that.
01:12:06 Oh. How nice.
01:12:08 Besides, sharing a bed together, we might be
01:12:13 Oh, rather. Yes.
01:12:15 And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?
01:12:19 Well, you're very strong-willed, obviously,
01:12:23 but it's a temptation
01:12:27 Nonsense, my dear! Do as I do.
01:12:29 Plenty of exercise, cold baths every morning
01:12:34 Cheers!
01:12:36 Cheers.
01:12:47 Hang on a minute,
01:12:59 (Phone rings)
01:13:02 Hello. Basher Street Gym here.
01:13:06 Ah!
01:13:08 Hold on. Gripper!
01:13:10 - It's for you.
01:13:13 Pleasure.
01:13:20 Hello. Gripper Burke here.
01:13:22 This is a friend.
01:13:24 I just thought you ought to know,
01:13:26 an oversexed nut by the name of Snooper
01:13:32 What?! Where?
01:13:33 Bolstrode Avenue, 45.
01:13:36 And if I was you, I'd get my skates on quick.
01:13:42 I think you'll find this wine amusing.
01:13:44 (Knock on door)
01:13:47 She always does something special. Come in!
01:13:54 Miss Dempsey!
01:14:08 Miss Dempsey!
01:14:10 Yes, what is it, love? I mean, sir.
01:14:14 Nothing. Nothing at all.
01:14:15 I'll have mine in the kitchen,
01:14:20 What do you mean?
01:14:23 Oh, yes, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen.
01:14:25 Sorry, love.
01:14:28 Well, I'll be leaving you now, then.
01:14:30 Oh, um, will you want your electric blanket
01:14:35 Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?
01:14:37 Well, we don't always like it, do we?
01:14:39 I mean, do you! What have I said?
01:14:41 Miss Dempsey, what are you talking about?
01:14:44 I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to get any ideas
01:14:48 I mean, Mr Snooper.
01:14:49 He's always behaved like the perfect gent
01:14:54 Well, you know.
01:14:56 I'm sure he has.
01:14:59 What are you saying?
01:15:02 Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.
01:15:04 He has, too. More than good.
01:15:09 After I've done something
01:15:12 Miss Dempsey!
01:15:14 - Please!
01:15:22 The woman's demented.
01:15:24 Sophia, surely you can't believe
01:15:28 Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset
01:15:32 On the other hand, there's no smoke without fire.
01:15:35 And you can't have a fire
01:15:39 I mean...
01:15:42 - That should be about right.
01:15:44 Never mind. You know what you've got to do.
01:15:47 Oh, Sid, I can't do it!
01:15:48 Is there a better way to show Sophie
01:15:52 Very well, but don't blame me for what happens.
01:15:54 That's a good girl. Come on.
01:15:56 Come on. Come on.
01:16:04 Very well. I'm willing to accept that there has
01:16:09 She'll have to go, of course.
01:16:12 Go? But she's been here for years.
01:16:14 She has security and comfort here.
01:16:17 Well, she's not getting it here any more.
01:16:21 It's your choice, Percival. Her or me.
01:16:24 Oh, very well, then.
01:16:26 Oh, that's settled, then.
01:16:28 (Knock at door)
01:16:29 There's a woman here to see you.
01:16:31 A woman? What woman?
01:16:34 "Just tell him Pussycat," she said,
01:16:36 "and he'll know who you mean."
01:16:37 Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycats.
01:16:41 You'd better tell her.
01:16:43 Oh, I don't understand.
01:16:47 Um, excuse me.
01:16:56 - Madam, I think there's been some mistake.
01:16:59 I'm sorry, my darling, I just had to come.
01:17:03 Madam, please try to control yourself.
01:17:05 How can you ask me to control myself
01:17:09 You who've never shown any control
01:17:12 - What?
01:17:15 The nights have been, oh, so empty!
01:17:17 I don't care how hard you beat me,
01:17:21 Oh, madam, please keep your voice down!
01:17:24 You can be heard halfway through the house.
01:17:28 Look here, I don't know who you are,
01:17:31 Oh! What are you doing?
01:17:33 I want you to take me.
01:17:37 But I don't want you! Stop it! Stop it at once!
01:17:40 No, you've found someone else!
01:17:43 - Well, stop feeling it.
01:17:45 Oh, Percival, how could you desert me like this?
01:17:47 What's to become of me and the baby?
01:17:51 The baby? What baby? I don't know any babies.
01:17:54 I won't give you up, you hear?
01:17:57 - You'll always be mine.
01:18:01 Ah!
01:18:02 Oh, no!
01:18:05 You! Esme Crowfoot!
01:18:08 You filthy, depraved beast!
01:18:12 No, Sophia, please, come back!
01:18:14 No, you don't need her, my darling,
01:18:17 Get off!
01:18:19 Get off me! You've no right.
01:18:25 Bingo!
01:18:38 Where is she? Where is she?
01:18:40 If you mean Pussycat, in there.
01:18:44 Ah, Gripper!
01:18:48 - What are you?
01:18:51 - What are you doing? You're all mad!
01:18:55 Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!
01:18:59 Ow!
01:19:03 Why, Miss Dempsey!
01:19:15 Oh, ta!
01:19:23 (Laughs)
01:19:34 Sophie, what happened?
01:19:36 Did you forget something?
01:19:37 No, I was just thinking about what you were
01:19:42 You can't run the business without me.
01:19:44 - I thought you were getting married?
01:19:46 Oh, oh.
01:19:48 Well, I'm very glad to hear it.
01:19:50 Fancy that, eh? The old firm back in business.
01:19:52 I think we ought to celebrate.
01:19:56 Oh.
01:20:00 Lend us a couple...
01:20:02 Thank you.
01:20:10 - Oh!
01:20:13 Mr Bedsop!
01:20:15 What are you doing here?
01:20:18 Well, actually, I thought it was time
01:20:22 Oh, you're not still following him?
01:20:27 Well, I think you'll find it's all been worthwhile.
01:20:30 Particularly when you hear
01:20:33 Oh, I'm sure it...
01:20:35 - Last night?
01:20:37 He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.
01:20:41 Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.
01:20:53 Sophie! Come and get it.
01:20:59 Here, look. How about that? Champers.
01:21:01 - Oh, very nice. May I crack it?
01:21:04 Thank you.
01:21:08 What did you go and do that for?
01:21:10 You wretch! You rotten swine!
01:21:12 Don't think I don't know you sent that poor
01:21:17 Well... Well, what if I did?
01:21:19 - I only did it cos I don't want to lose you.
01:21:23 No, wait, wait. I want to marry you.
01:21:25 You want to what?
01:21:27 Marry you. Well, I mean, that is, in time.
01:21:31 All right. All right. Next week, then.
01:21:33 You heard that, Mr Bedsop?
01:21:35 I've got it down.
01:21:36 You won't regret it, Sid, I promise you.
01:21:39 I know that, darling.
01:21:41 I'll tell you what, why don't we have a booze-up
01:21:43 and invite all the couples
01:21:46 - Careful, that's going to cost money.
01:21:48 I know a fellow in catering and if we charge them
01:21:52 Oh, I love you!
01:21:55 # DVORAK: Humoresque
01:22:24 (Knocks on table)
01:22:27 Ladies and gents, I realise that our marriage
01:22:31 but I'd like you to know that we are delighted
01:22:36 you happy couples that
01:22:39 Just to look around this room and see
01:22:44 is reward in itself for the trouble
01:22:47 You, like Sophie and me, have been dead lucky,
01:22:50 because you've had the benefit of
01:22:54 So, I am not asking you only to drink to our
01:23:09 # For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
01:23:18 (Tune trails off)
01:23:21 (Clears throat)
01:23:23 - 'Ere, that's it!
01:23:26 That suit he's wearing.
01:23:28 That was the one
01:23:31 Stop it, Gripper, don't make a scene.
01:23:33 So, it was you. I'll bloomin' well kill you!
01:23:37 What are you talking about? He's gone potty.
01:23:43 I'll deal with you later!
01:23:44 Oh, you will, will you?
01:23:49 Don't you laugh at him, you little squirt!
01:23:54 How dare you, you old bag!
01:23:57 - Ow!
01:24:18 # Strauss waltz
01:24:50 (Laughs)
01:25:06 Keep 'em coming.
01:25:47 GRIPPER: I'll tear you apart!