Carry On Matron

en
00:02:01 There it is, Finisham Hospital
00:02:03 - our next job.
00:02:06 That's it. Headquarters
00:02:08 - What have they got to nick?
00:02:10 Pills?
00:02:11 Not just ordinary pills, the pill.
00:02:14 They've got hundreds of thousands in there.
00:02:16 What? In a maternity hospital?
00:02:17 It's closing the stable door
00:02:20 No, no, no. They're just stored there
00:02:24 Dad, if they hand them out free,
00:02:27 Nothing here, son.
00:02:29 But I know a couple of countries that'll take
00:02:37 TANNOY: Dr Cross.
00:02:39 Dr Cross to Casualty, please.
00:02:41 Well, Miss Willing, so you're leaving us.
00:02:43 Yeah. Not exactly empty-handed, neither.
00:02:45 Oh, now, now, you mustn't be bitter about it.
00:02:50 I wish I had one like it.
00:02:52 Yes, well, if you run into the same bloke as I did,
00:02:59 - Who's this, then?
00:03:06 Ah, another little angel leaving the fold.
00:03:09 Let me have a last look at the little chap.
00:03:12 You can have him for keeps
00:03:15 Careful, my dear. I might take you up on that.
00:03:17 - (Baby cries)
00:03:20 Yes, he is.
00:03:22 Oh. I think you can have him back now.
00:03:25 Again? That's the fifth this morning.
00:03:28 - He must have a leak.
00:03:33 - Good morning, Sir Bernard.
00:03:36 - How are you?
00:03:39 - I look all right, don't I?
00:03:42 Then why did you ask me how I was?
00:03:45 No particular reason.
00:03:49 What Asian flu?
00:03:51 Oh, it's only what I read in the papers.
00:03:53 You can't believe a thing you read in the papers.
00:03:57 Asian flu indeed!
00:03:59 What a lot of rubbish.
00:04:01 Would you like to do the rounds now?
00:04:02 What?
00:04:04 No. I can't be bothered with all that today.
00:04:08 I think I've got Asian flu.
00:04:11 Poor Sir Bernard. He's only got to read of
00:04:16 I wonder if he's read Gone With The Wind.
00:04:23 H... I...
00:04:25 Influenza. Asian.
00:04:27 Asian flu. Highly infectious virus disease,
00:04:32 Death!
00:04:35 Symptoms:
00:04:36 fever, dizziness, rapid pulse,
00:04:50 (Whistle)
00:04:52 - Matron, any news yet, then?
00:04:56 Of course I'm still here.
00:04:59 I should know.
00:05:02 - Did you indeed?
00:05:06 Quite. And haven't you had your baby yet?
00:05:08 Well, of course I haven't.
00:05:10 I wouldn't be still here, would I?
00:05:12 Here, what's gone wrong? What's happening?
00:05:14 Perhaps we're running a little late, Mr Tidey.
00:05:17 Well, I can't hang around here.
00:05:20 Well, I'm just going round the wards.
00:05:24 Tell her I've been here all night,
00:05:30 You wait here. I'll case the joint.
00:05:42 Morning.
00:05:44 - Visiting?
00:05:46 I mean, are you expecting a baby, or what?
00:05:49 Oh, definitely a baby. I don't like whats.
00:05:52 - The waiting room is over there.
00:05:56 If it's a boy, I'll name him Happy, after you.
00:06:07 Bye!
00:06:09 Blimey, she looked upset, doc.
00:06:11 - I'm not surprised. I told her she was pregnant.
00:06:14 - Is she really?
00:06:19 - Excuse me.
00:06:21 Are you expectant, or have you had it?
00:06:23 No. But if you can spare the time...
00:06:25 - Wait in there, please.
00:06:32 - Did they just send for you?
00:06:34 It don't mean anything, you know. The last
00:06:38 All I've had is a cup of tea and a biscuit.
00:06:40 It's not good enough. I'd tell them to forget it.
00:06:43 - How can you forget it?
00:06:46 But we've done it, haven't we?
00:06:48 How can you cancel it?
00:06:50 Tell 'em you've changed your mind.
00:06:59 Oh... wey!
00:07:02 Has she had it, then?
00:07:05 I...
00:07:10 Could you get me
00:07:22 - Good morning, Nurse Ball.
00:07:24 - Where's Sister?
00:07:28 - Oh, good. And what about Mrs Tidey?
00:07:31 She's back here again.
00:07:36 - Another false alarm, Mrs Tidey?
00:07:41 I wouldn't be at all surprised.
00:07:43 Well, now, you're three weeks overdue
00:07:49 Him?
00:07:50 Well, he can talk. It took him seven years
00:07:53 Now I am, I'm going to enjoy myself.
00:07:55 If nothing happens soon,
00:07:58 What? Just to please him?
00:08:00 Oh, it's only a bit over nine months.
00:08:04 Well, I'm sure we're all very thankful for that,
00:08:09 (Sobbing)
00:08:10 NURSE BALL: Now, stop being silly, Mrs Pullitt.
00:08:13 Your baby's perfectly all right.
00:08:15 He's not! He's not!
00:08:17 - What's the matter, Nurse?
00:08:19 What do you mean?
00:08:23 Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt. You have a fine little boy.
00:08:26 Take a look at his little thing, then.
00:08:28 MATRON: His what? Oh...
00:08:30 Well, I can't see anything wrong with it.
00:08:32 But it's all bent to one side.
00:08:36 Don't you worry, Mrs Pullitt. We'll have
00:08:42 How the hell can we change our minds?
00:08:44 You can't undo what's already been done,
00:08:47 What's been done, then?
00:08:49 - She has.
00:08:51 She's over nine months gone.
00:08:53 Don't worry, mate. She'll come back.
00:08:59 How can you come... back?
00:09:01 Oh...
00:09:02 Matron.
00:09:05 - Well, what's happened?
00:09:09 - You may as well go back to work.
00:09:11 It was due three weeks ago.
00:09:13 Well, I'm sorry, Mr Tidey,
00:09:17 There's nothing we can do about it.
00:09:19 That's a fine state of affairs, innit, eh?
00:09:21 We'd soon be in a right old mess
00:09:25 I was under the impression that you did.
00:09:28 Ha-ha.
00:09:41 - Can I help you at all?
00:09:43 No, thanks. I'm just passing the time.
00:09:45 Are you awaiting a birth?
00:09:46 - Yes. That's it.
00:09:48 - The father. I hope.
00:09:51 - Name?
00:09:52 Oh! My name?
00:09:54 I er...
00:09:55 That's funny.
00:09:57 I know I had one when I came in here.
00:09:59 Hang on. Let me think.
00:10:00 - Mr Hodgkiss?
00:10:04 Well, congratulations, Mr Hodgkiss.
00:10:07 Get away!
00:10:10 That's very nice. Thank you very much.
00:10:12 Thank you, too.
00:10:13 Yes, well, I'll be pushing off, then.
00:10:15 Don't you want to see them, or your wife?
00:10:18 No, not just now.
00:10:22 That'll do, Sister.
00:10:29 - Get moving!
00:10:31 I've just become the father of twins.
00:10:33 - Congratulations.
00:10:44 Did you find out where they keep the pills?
00:10:46 Nah, didn't have time.
00:10:48 But I reckon I know how to now.
00:10:49 Son, you're going to go to work at last.
00:10:52 Dad, couldn't you possibly manage without me?
00:10:55 You're getting on.
00:10:58 The fact is, I've had this offer of a job.
00:11:00 He wants to go straight
00:11:03 - He doesn't mean it, do you?
00:11:05 - Yes, I do.
00:11:07 A good job your mother can't hear you.
00:11:09 You promised on her deathbed
00:11:12 I was six years old at the time.
00:11:14 Son, I'm depending on you.
00:11:15 You're the only bloke
00:11:18 - If you really mean that, Dad, I suppose...
00:11:21 What do you want me to do?
00:11:23 Well, if I could get somebody into this hospital
00:11:27 - You mean me.
00:11:29 - Dad, it's a maternity hospital.
00:11:33 Thank goodness.
00:11:34 As a nurse.
00:11:35 (Car horn blares)
00:11:39 Well, your pulse beat's all right, Sir Bernard.
00:11:41 Strong?
00:11:43 Beautifully strong.
00:11:47 - And that's all right too.
00:11:49 Wonderfully normal.
00:11:52 Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.
00:11:54 I was right up. You ask Miss Banks.
00:11:56 - Yes.
00:11:57 Well, I can assure you, whatever else
00:12:02 Of course not!
00:12:04 I knew that. I could have told you.
00:12:06 What do you mean,
00:12:10 Oh, well, you were probably suffering
00:12:15 How are your bowels?
00:12:17 My bowels?
00:12:18 They're perfectly all right.
00:12:21 Well, as you well know, Sir Bernard,
00:12:26 I'm not irregular.
00:12:28 I'll have you know, I'm one of
00:12:33 - As long as you have no pain, or discomfort...
00:12:36 Now, if you'll kindly both stop fussing and go,
00:12:40 Very well, Sir Bernard.
00:12:44 - Oh, there was one small problem, Sir Bernard.
00:12:48 - Mrs Tidey, in Bunn Ward, you know?
00:12:51 She's three weeks over her time and I was
00:12:56 Bring it on? Bring what on?
00:12:58 - Why, the birth!
00:13:02 Really, Sir Bernard!
00:13:05 Can't anyone else
00:13:07 Ask Dr Prodd.
00:13:11 Very well, Sir Bernard.
00:13:12 And if you'll take my advice,
00:13:17 - I don't need a good rest.
00:13:19 I'm perfectly all right, do you hear?
00:13:21 B... Bowels.
00:13:23 Diseases of. Oh! Diseases of the bowels.
00:13:31 All right. You can get dressed again,
00:13:34 Upon my soul, if it ain't Nurse Ball.
00:13:37 The fairest flower of them all.
00:13:39 A present for you, Doctor.
00:13:41 No, no. You cannot tempt me with strong drink.
00:13:44 Funny. Those were my exact words to you
00:13:47 Touche.
00:13:49 Fresh as a mountain stream.
00:13:51 Why don't you take your shoes and socks off
00:13:55 I'll get you in the end, you little minx.
00:14:03 Well, Doctor?
00:14:05 Yes. I'm afraid you're pregnant again,
00:14:07 - What?
00:14:10 Oh, no, not again. It's too much. It really is.
00:14:13 I thought you were stopping that nonsense.
00:14:16 - What?
00:14:20 Oh, I've tried, Doctor.
00:14:22 But you know what it is? My husband gets into
00:14:27 And you say, "What?"
00:14:29 Well, that settles it this time.
00:14:31 Whether he likes it or not,
00:14:35 You'd better, Mrs Jenkins.
00:14:37 What do you think's the safest, Doctor?
00:14:38 For you, Mrs Jenkins, a hearing aid.
00:14:41 - What?
00:14:50 Come on, son. Hurry up.
00:14:53 I'm nearly ready.
00:14:55 Women always take a long time dressing.
00:14:57 Especially when they're men.
00:15:03 Well, this is the best I can do.
00:15:05 I fancy you, dear!
00:15:06 Cyril! You look...
00:15:10 - You look lovely.
00:15:11 - Hello!
00:15:13 Leave her alone.
00:15:14 What do you think, Dad?
00:15:17 - Dad? What's the matter?
00:15:20 It's just a bit of a shock, that's all.
00:15:22 It's like seeing your poor old mum again.
00:15:24 Well, I think he looks lovely.
00:15:26 - He could have fooled me any time.
00:15:30 I think we should get a woman to do it.
00:15:31 No, no, son.
00:15:33 In this business, you never want to trust
00:15:38 I reckon he'll pass. What do you say, Fred?
00:15:41 I was thinking...
00:15:43 What for?
00:15:44 I agree with Freddy. I'd like to see a bit more.
00:15:47 You would.
00:15:49 Don't you realise that's the point?
00:15:53 If you make 'em any bigger,
00:15:56 - I could stick some socks in.
00:15:59 Them, I mean.
00:16:01 Turn round.
00:16:03 This skirt's a bit tight, isn't it?
00:16:05 I like seeing women in tight skirts.
00:16:08 Shut up.
00:16:10 What have you got under here? Tin drawers?
00:16:17 What the hell have you got your trousers on for?
00:16:19 What's the matter? Nobody'll look up there.
00:16:21 How do you know? You're a nurse, aren't you?
00:16:24 A patient might drop in a dead faint at your feet,
00:16:28 A lot more without these on.
00:16:31 Shut up laughing. Did you get the knickers?
00:16:34 Yeah. Black lace ones.
00:16:35 I got some strange looks
00:16:38 Go and get 'em. Go on.
00:16:40 Dad, nurses don't wear black lace ones.
00:16:42 They don't wear rolled-up trousers, either.
00:16:47 There they are.
00:16:49 They're OK. What's wrong with 'em?
00:16:51 There's no opening in the front.
00:16:53 - Of course not! Women don't have 'em.
00:16:55 Well, shut up arguing and put 'em on.
00:16:57 All right, Dad.
00:16:59 Can't I go disguised as a male orderly?
00:17:00 Are you raving mad? Have you ever heard of
00:17:08 Well, I certainly can't see anything wrong
00:17:12 Yes... well, I didn't really expect you to, you know.
00:17:14 It was just one of Matron's foolish fancies
00:17:18 Yes. She's always had
00:17:21 That's only to be expected.
00:17:23 She admires a man of character.
00:17:25 Well, I won't waste
00:17:28 I must say, your pelvic cavity's very interesting.
00:17:31 Oh? In what way?
00:17:33 Well, it's rather large for a man.
00:17:36 Ooh...
00:17:37 Yes, it is. It never used to be like that.
00:17:40 - Well, what does it... mean?
00:17:44 On the contrary, as you well know, it can be
00:17:50 Yes... Well, if you'll excuse me, Pearson,
00:17:53 A woman's work is never done. I mean,
00:18:01 It can't be.
00:18:03 Oh, it's impossible.
00:18:06 Sit down, will you?
00:18:08 - Name, please.
00:18:10 Oh, yes. I have some good news for you,
00:18:14 Miss Smethurst.
00:18:15 Oh. In that case, I have some bad news for you,
00:18:23 Next, please.
00:18:29 - Good morning, Doctor.
00:18:33 I don't think that'll be necessary, Doctor.
00:18:35 Sorry. I wasn't expecting you, Matron.
00:18:37 Obviously.
00:18:38 I'd like to talk to you
00:18:41 The one with the bottomless stomach.
00:18:43 I think we ought to induce labour this evening.
00:18:45 Oh, yeah? What does the old rabbi say?
00:18:47 If by "the old rabbi"
00:18:51 he's quite prepared to leave the final decision
00:18:55 If you say this evening, that's all right with me.
00:18:58 Thank you, Doctor.
00:19:00 Oh. Incidentally...
00:19:01 I'm expecting some more student nurses today.
00:19:04 Oh, really?
00:19:07 I would like to point out that they are
00:19:11 Don't worry, Matron.
00:19:15 That's just what I wish to avoid.
00:19:26 Remember, I want you to find out where they
00:19:31 But what if somebody stops me
00:19:34 That's the beauty of this nurse's gear.
00:19:38 - It's the first look I'm worried about.
00:19:42 - Will you stop telling him he looks lovely?
00:19:45 We'll drop it all and put him in for Miss World.
00:19:48 FRED: There's a load of nurses arriving now.
00:19:51 It's half past five.
00:19:53 They must be going on duty.
00:19:56 - Hey?
00:19:58 Well, go on. Get a move on!
00:20:00 I can't move fast.
00:20:03 It's much safer that way. Ask any girl.
00:20:05 Do you mind? Come on. Hurry up.
00:20:10 That's it, son. Remember,
00:20:13 Yeah. I'm going to need it.
00:20:16 Ha-ha. That's my girl.
00:20:32 Report to the desk, girls.
00:20:39 Excuse me, miss.
00:20:42 - Are you with the others?
00:20:46 Over there.
00:20:48 Oh...
00:20:50 Thank you.
00:20:57 Name?
00:20:58 - Carter.
00:21:00 - First name?
00:21:02 - Cyril?
00:21:05 C-Y-R-I-L...
00:21:07 double L-E.
00:21:08 Cyrille...
00:21:10 A very unusual name.
00:21:12 It's a Cyrille... It's a real name.
00:21:14 Would you like to sit over there
00:21:18 Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?
00:21:21 - No, I can't.
00:21:23 My er... The elastic's gone.
00:21:26 Oh, dear.
00:21:27 I don't suppose you've got a safety pin.
00:21:31 - Yes.
00:22:08 (Clears throat)
00:22:09 Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
00:22:12 - How do you mean?
00:22:14 - Yes. I know it is.
00:22:18 Oh, er...
00:22:20 Er... knickers.
00:22:21 I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me.
00:22:25 I don't mind in the least.
00:22:27 No need to worry. I won't tell a soul.
00:22:29 About what?
00:22:31 Black lace ones, eh? Very kinky.
00:22:33 Eh?
00:22:35 Don't rush off, love.
00:22:37 I was only kidding, love.
00:22:39 Uh-oh.
00:22:41 Dr Prodd, I've been waiting for you.
00:22:43 Oh, there you are, Matron.
00:22:46 That is the last place you would have found me.
00:22:50 - I see what you mean.
00:22:54 Pinning up her knicker...
00:22:56 No. The poor kid just made a mistake.
00:22:59 - And you just happened to be in there?
00:23:01 No! No, no. I...
00:23:03 - I went in after her.
00:23:08 Mrs Kemp, I'm rather busy at the moment.
00:23:10 Would you mind taking the nurses to the home
00:23:13 Certainly, Matron.
00:23:28 When you've finished, Dr Prodd, perhaps we
00:23:33 After you, Matron.
00:23:40 (Stomach rumbles)
00:23:49 (Burps)
00:23:54 That's better.
00:23:59 Hello, Mrs Tidey, and how are we this evening?
00:24:01 - No complaints, thank you, Doctor.
00:24:03 - Except that er...
00:24:05 They were a bit stingy with the potatoes tonight.
00:24:07 Yes, well, I'm not so much concerned
00:24:11 Oh, there's no trouble there.
00:24:14 I think the doctor's referring to your baby,
00:24:17 Why? Nothing wrong with it, is there?
00:24:19 Oh, no. He just seems reluctant
00:24:23 When you look how the world is today,
00:24:27 I mean, the world's in a shocking state.
00:24:29 - You take the Common Market.
00:24:33 You're not going to stick that
00:24:35 - No. Only into you, Mrs Tidey.
00:24:39 It's for your own good.
00:24:42 I don't care.
00:24:44 I'm having my kid naturally,
00:24:48 Sister.
00:24:51 Don't be silly. This won't harm you,
00:24:54 I'm not having it, I tell you.
00:24:56 Now, please, hold still... Aargh!
00:25:02 I'm so sorry.
00:25:03 Mrs Tidey...
00:25:05 If you kick me again,
00:25:11 That's better. Now, then.
00:25:13 Ow!
00:25:14 - I haven't touched you.
00:25:16 What's the matter?
00:25:17 It's... it's starting. Oh...
00:25:19 Are you sure it isn't indigestion again?
00:25:22 It can't be. I've hardly had a thing to eat all day.
00:25:25 All right, Sister. Take her down to Delivery.
00:25:27 Yes, Matron.
00:25:29 Ooh, but let me finish... finish my dinner first.
00:25:31 Oooh!
00:25:33 Ooh...
00:25:35 All right, Doctor. You may go.
00:25:37 Hey? Oh... What am I going to do with this?
00:25:39 I'm sure you don't require
00:25:51 Put a call through for Mr Tidey.
00:25:54 Again? Let's hope she finishes this time.
00:25:57 - Is this Sir Bernard's mail?
00:26:00 I'll take it to him. I want to see how he is.
00:26:05 First signs of physical change...
00:26:14 (Knock at door)
00:26:16 - (Clears throat) Who is it?
00:26:19 Just a moment, Matron.
00:26:21 I won't be a minute.
00:26:23 Yes... Come in now, Matron.
00:26:31 I'm sorry, Sir Bernard.
00:26:33 Changing?
00:26:35 What are you talking about? I'm not changing.
00:26:39 Your clothes, Sir Bernard.
00:26:42 Oh... my clothes. I'm sorry.
00:26:46 Well, don't keep staring at me
00:26:49 Oh, you misunderstand me, Sir Bernard.
00:26:51 Oh, no, I don't. I know what you are thinking and
00:26:58 Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.
00:27:00 What?
00:27:01 You have something very few men have.
00:27:04 What do you mean?
00:27:06 Greatness.
00:27:08 Oh, well... there's no denying that, naturally.
00:27:11 If I may say so, Sir Bernard,
00:27:15 Overdoing it? What do you mean?
00:27:18 Work! It's time you had a holiday, I think.
00:27:21 I don't want a holiday.
00:27:24 I'm only thinking of you.
00:27:26 Well, stop thinking of me and go away.
00:27:28 Very well, Sir Bernard.
00:27:30 Oh...
00:27:32 I nearly forgot. Your mail.
00:27:33 Yes, I am! And I can prove it!
00:27:35 Do you hear? Prove it!
00:27:50 Ye-argh!
00:28:00 Has it happened?
00:28:02 - Not yet, I don't think.
00:28:04 I'm in time.
00:28:06 Ooh, my hooter...
00:28:17 Oh, no. I can't stay here.
00:28:26 Madge, can you come up
00:28:28 MADGE: But I'm undressed.
00:28:31 MADGE: Oh, all right.
00:28:45 Hello.
00:28:48 (Phone rings)
00:28:50 Hello?
00:28:51 Hello, Dad.
00:28:53 Cyril, what's up?
00:28:54 I've got into a spot of bother.
00:28:56 What, already?
00:28:58 - I'm in this nurse's bedroom.
00:29:01 You're supposed to be finding the stuff.
00:29:05 No, Dad. They seemed to think I was a new
00:29:10 Oh, my God. I told you not to do anything
00:29:14 But I couldn't help it.
00:29:15 I had to go to the Gents to pin up my knickers.
00:29:18 You went to the Gents to pin up your knickers?
00:29:21 Look, I haven't got time to explain now,
00:29:24 Why not?
00:29:25 - Another nurse lives in this room.
00:29:28 No! But she will be
00:29:31 I know, get undressed under your nightie.
00:29:33 Your mum did that before we got married.
00:29:35 Dad, I haven't got a nightie.
00:29:37 All right, son. All right, all right. Don't panic.
00:29:40 Don't go to bed. That's it.
00:29:42 Try and find out something this evening,
00:29:45 Listen...
00:29:46 Hello? Is someone in there?
00:29:48 Dad, I'll have to go now.
00:29:51 Right. I'll be in the fathers' waiting room.
00:29:53 Now, you try and get a plan of the hospital.
00:29:58 (Knock at door)
00:30:06 Oh. Oh, hello.
00:30:07 I'm your roommate, Susan Ball.
00:30:14 Is something wrong?
00:30:15 Eh? Oh, no. You're beautiful.
00:30:18 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be personal.
00:30:20 Oh. Oh, that's all right.
00:30:23 You just keep saying things like that
00:30:27 What do I call you?
00:30:29 Er, Cyrille.
00:30:30 Right, Cyrille.
00:30:34 Loo and bathroom in there.
00:30:36 Oh, thanks.
00:30:38 Where's your luggage?
00:30:39 I haven't got any. I lost it at the railway station.
00:30:41 I can let you have anything you need.
00:30:43 Oh, no. I'm all right, thanks.
00:30:45 You'll find you won't need a nightie in here.
00:30:48 This place is so well heated,
00:30:51 - I always do.
00:30:54 Oh, come here.
00:30:56 Don't talk like that.
00:30:59 You know, once you settle down,
00:31:03 It's a good hospital.
00:31:05 And there's still quite a few young doctors
00:31:10 All except for old Prodd, that is.
00:31:13 Oh, dear. You want to watch out for him.
00:31:15 Do you know,
00:31:17 he collects nurses like some men
00:31:22 Around here, we call him the taxidermist.
00:31:25 You're not going to bed now, are you?
00:31:27 Oh, good heavens, no. I'm going to grab me
00:31:42 Oh, these rotten catches.
00:31:44 Cyrille, would you mind undoing it for me?
00:31:47 Oooh...
00:32:05 Dr Goode...
00:32:08 - Dr Goode.
00:32:10 Oh, hello. Do forgive me, Sir Bernard.
00:32:14 Oh, yes. Of course. Well, perhaps
00:32:17 No. I'm back now.
00:32:19 And what can I do for you, Sir Bernard?
00:32:21 Well, I've got a bit of a problem.
00:32:23 Oh, haven't we all? Would you care to?
00:32:26 I can't do it lying down.
00:32:28 Oh, dear me. You do have a problem.
00:32:30 No, I mean I prefer to sit down, if you don't mind.
00:32:34 Don't mind? If it turns you on, who cares?
00:32:36 Look here, Dr Goode, you must understand,
00:32:41 I can assure you that anything you say to me
00:32:47 That doesn't surprise me.
00:32:48 As a matter of fact, I was talking to my wife
00:32:53 Oh, I call her Hamlet because
00:32:57 Dr Goode, I'm not interested in your wife.
00:33:00 Well, that's a funny thing. Neither am I.
00:33:03 With pleasure.
00:33:05 Good. Now, what was it
00:33:08 It's the other way round.
00:33:09 Is it? What is?
00:33:11 Our conversation, I mean.
00:33:14 Oh! Well, that puts a different light
00:33:17 Do consult.
00:33:19 Thank you.
00:33:20 I was wondering if you personally
00:33:22 had ever thought about the possibilities
00:33:27 Well, as a matter of fact, I'm quite happy as I am.
00:33:32 No, I don't mean you.
00:33:33 I mean, generally speaking.
00:33:35 Have you ever known of a case
00:33:39 No. But I've heard of one
00:33:44 Oh... Doctor, please. Be serious.
00:33:46 You see, I have this patient who genuinely
00:33:52 Dear me.
00:33:53 Are there any physical changes?
00:33:55 I don't think so. I haven't looked for two hours.
00:33:57 I mean, at him. Haven't looked at him.
00:33:59 I think it's a purely mental obsession.
00:34:01 Has he had any experience of the opposite sex?
00:34:04 Oh, no. No, he hasn't had time.
00:34:06 I mean, he hasn't had... His career.
00:34:10 Ah. Then I think I understand.
00:34:12 Your patient is suffering from a pent-up desire
00:34:17 You think so?
00:34:19 Yes. Yes...
00:34:21 You may be right.
00:34:23 I'm sure I am.
00:34:24 And I would recommend that he finds
00:34:28 And by suitable, you mean willing.
00:34:31 And able.
00:34:33 Yes. Oh, I feel better already.
00:34:37 Thank you, Dr Goode.
00:34:39 You've been most helpful.
00:34:41 Oh, I can't tell you...
00:34:43 Oh, yes. I'll get onto it... right away!
00:34:51 Ah. Matron, any news?
00:34:53 I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.
00:34:55 What's she doing?
00:34:56 Well, at this moment,
00:35:00 Fish cakes?
00:35:02 Ever since she got pregnant,
00:35:05 Even in the middle of the ruddy night.
00:35:07 Do you know, she must have polished off
00:35:10 I'll tell you one thing, if ever this child gets born,
00:35:17 Ah, Dr Prodd.
00:35:18 You're in Emergency tonight.
00:35:20 - Afraid so.
00:35:23 - Oh, no...
00:35:26 I shall be up in my room if I'm required, Arthur.
00:35:29 What did she mean by that? Who's coming in?
00:35:32 Jane Darling, the film star.
00:35:34 Really?
00:35:37 Hello. It's my pin -up girl.
00:35:43 Dad?
00:35:45 Oh. Er... Good evening.
00:35:51 - Excuse me.
00:35:53 - Lost again?
00:35:55 You know, love,
00:35:57 How did you know?
00:35:59 Think of a better way
00:36:01 I see what you mean. If you'll excuse me...
00:36:03 I've got a plan up in my room.
00:36:07 - Have you really?
00:36:09 I'd like to see yours.
00:36:12 Likewise.
00:36:13 - In your room, you say?
00:36:15 If you'd like to come up in ten minutes,
00:36:18 If I come, will you promise to behave?
00:36:20 Naturally.
00:36:21 All right, then. I'll be there.
00:36:27 And when I behave naturally,
00:36:35 Yes. Who is it?
00:36:37 It's me. Frankie.
00:36:46 Come in.
00:36:52 It is all right for tonight, isn't it?
00:36:54 Yes. But I'm so frightened somebody's
00:36:58 Oh, get away with you. It's only once a week.
00:37:01 Yes, but you know how gossip
00:37:03 After all, you are a married man, Francis.
00:37:05 Yes, I know.
00:37:08 I can't think why not.
00:37:10 No. She thinks it's a waste of time.
00:37:12 Do you know, she won't even look at it.
00:37:14 - Oh, what a shame.
00:37:16 And a man needs a little relaxation
00:37:19 Yes, of course.
00:37:21 That's why I'm so thrilled
00:37:24 As long as we're careful.
00:37:26 Care for a little drinkie first?
00:37:28 Oh, lovely.
00:37:36 It should be a good one tonight.
00:37:38 Yes.
00:37:39 If it's anything like last week...
00:37:41 That was wonderful
00:37:43 Cheers.
00:37:45 Good health.
00:37:49 Mm...
00:37:52 Are you ready?
00:37:53 Ra-ther!
00:37:55 Ooh...
00:38:09 I can't think why your wife doesn't like it.
00:38:13 It's the best programme on television.
00:38:15 Oh, I know. But you know, she'd rather curl up
00:38:21 - It's coming on.
00:38:26 TELEVISION: Now it's time
00:38:29 The Surgeons.
00:38:31 The Surgeons,
00:38:34 Last week, we left Nurse Spencer
00:38:39 while Dr Carpenter, her lover,
00:38:42 still unaware that his estranged wife Rachel
00:38:45 had secretly substituted a cylinder
00:38:49 - (Whimpers)
00:38:59 Yes? What do you want?
00:39:00 You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.
00:39:03 Oh, yes. I thought you'd had your baby.
00:39:04 - No. I'm leaving that to the missus.
00:39:07 Thank you.
00:39:15 - Evening.
00:39:17 You haven't had it yet, then?
00:39:19 No. I reckon it'll be here tonight, though.
00:39:21 You'll be lucky.
00:39:24 - They sent for me.
00:39:28 When in doubt, send for the ruddy father.
00:39:30 Yes... Well, that'll teach you to turn over
00:39:34 That's not funny.
00:39:36 - My woman's waited seven years for a baby.
00:39:40 - No?
00:39:43 Chickens?
00:39:45 I used to get plenty of eggs, but no baby chicks.
00:39:48 - Oh, no.
00:39:50 - What was that?
00:39:53 Oh, that's very funny, I don't think.
00:39:58 - Mr Grant?
00:39:59 Congratulations. You've got a fine boy.
00:40:03 Oi... What about me, then?
00:40:04 I was here before him.
00:40:10 Better luck next time.
00:40:12 Oh, get shunted.
00:40:29 Come in, love. Come in.
00:40:43 Gosh! No wonder they call you the taxidermist.
00:40:45 Do they? Well, it just shows you,
00:40:49 - Sit down. Make yourself at home.
00:40:52 Nonsense. Of course you can.
00:40:57 Just so we're not disturbed.
00:41:00 Now, then...
00:41:01 - What about a little drink?
00:41:04 - Oh. Cigarette, then?
00:41:10 Well, that leaves only one thing to offer you.
00:41:12 I never touch that, either.
00:41:14 - You haven't come here to play games.
00:41:17 - Who cares about the damn plan?
00:41:20 I've been planning all ruddy evening.
00:41:23 - I shall scream. I shall scream. Matron! Matron!
00:41:33 There you are.
00:41:35 But you know damn well
00:41:38 Oh, yes. This is just what I wanted.
00:41:40 - And this is just what I wanted.
00:41:51 Now, then. Where do they keep the pills?
00:41:53 Eh?
00:41:54 The pill. There's a big store of them here.
00:41:56 Oh! I get you now.
00:41:58 Down in the basement here,
00:42:01 They're locked up.
00:42:03 Oh, I don't want it for myself.
00:42:04 - Oh, good.
00:42:09 Is this the only way down to the basement?
00:42:11 That's enough of the damn plan, love.
00:42:14 - I haven't finished.
00:42:16 - Give that back.
00:42:18 I will, too. But not that.
00:42:20 It's not mine. Come on.
00:42:21 Come and get it.
00:42:23 - Oh, you want to play games?
00:42:26 No, I didn't mean that. Get off!
00:42:28 Get away!
00:42:31 Take your hands off. Take your hands...
00:42:33 Argh!
00:42:39 What's this then, eh?
00:42:40 Rolled-up socks?
00:42:42 Why, you little cheat...
00:42:44 - What else you got down there, eh?
00:42:47 That's enough.
00:42:49 I wouldn't if I were you.
00:42:52 Let me go. Please. You'll be sorry. Let me go!
00:42:54 Try and make me, love.
00:42:57 - Who's that?
00:43:07 God, what a woman!
00:43:09 Hey! Hey, love. Phwoar!
00:43:11 Come back, love.
00:43:13 They'll be there within half an hour.
00:43:20 Hey, doc. You're wanted.
00:43:22 - Blast. What is it?
00:43:24 Her old man's been on. It's started.
00:43:26 - Damn. Is the ambulance here?
00:43:29 Right.
00:43:34 - Did you get it?
00:43:37 What's this?
00:43:39 Sorry, Dad. It's one of my bristols.
00:43:42 That's it. Let's go.
00:43:45 We can't go on an emergency without a nurse.
00:43:47 - I'm sorry, Doctor, I am only the attendant...
00:43:51 Ah. You'll do nicely. Come on.
00:43:53 - Let me go.
00:43:56 - (All shout)
00:43:59 That driver touched my bottom!
00:44:01 Something tells me
00:44:06 (Siren)
00:44:09 TELEVISION: Nurse, forceps...
00:44:12 scalpel...
00:44:14 swabs...
00:44:17 Ah...
00:44:25 TELEVISION: More oxygen...
00:44:27 - Sister, quick. More swabs!
00:44:29 - Who's that?
00:44:32 (Knocking)
00:44:34 Yes. Who is it?
00:44:36 It's me, Matron, Sir Bernard. I'd like to come in.
00:44:39 Sir Bernard...
00:44:41 Just a moment, Sir Bernard.
00:44:43 He can't find you in my room.
00:44:45 - I'll hide.
00:44:59 Aah!
00:45:09 Oh, I'm so sorry, Sir Bernard.
00:45:11 I was just in the middle of undressing.
00:45:13 Oh, don't let me stop you, Matron.
00:45:15 - I beg your pardon?
00:45:17 I might not even look the other way!
00:45:19 Sir Bernard, do you think it's wise
00:45:22 - People might misunderstand.
00:45:25 They'll merely think we're having
00:45:28 - Really, Sir Bernard!
00:45:30 It's natural. You're a man and I'm a woman.
00:45:33 Sir Bernard,
00:45:34 are you sure you're feeling quite yourself?
00:45:36 On the contrary, I've never felt more like it.
00:45:40 Don't you think you ought to go and lie down?
00:45:42 Now you're getting the idea.
00:45:45 No, no, no. I mean, in your room.
00:45:47 Oh, why? It's much more comfortable here.
00:45:50 Come on. Let's sit down.
00:45:52 (Glass smashes)
00:45:54 Oh, it's just a spring.
00:45:56 Oh. I thought it sounded like breaking glass.
00:45:58 That would never do, would it?
00:46:02 I'm sure you're not feeling well. Do you feel hot?
00:46:05 - Very.
00:46:08 - Oh, that's not what I want.
00:46:10 Matron, a man and a woman are here
00:46:15 You know what that is, don't you?
00:46:17 Well, I should do,
00:46:20 That's what's wrong with me.
00:46:24 - Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
00:46:27 Will you lay the table, or shall I?
00:46:29 - You can't be suggesting...
00:46:32 You know
00:46:34 You must have felt it,
00:46:37 - Side by side, brushing against each other.
00:46:41 So you've felt it too? That exciting tingling...
00:46:44 I've only got to think of you and I have a tingle.
00:46:47 Oh, how wonderful.
00:46:49 But I never thought that you wanted me, too.
00:46:52 - Desperately.
00:46:55 I don't know what to say. It's all so sudden.
00:46:58 Oh, my dear, I don't expect you
00:47:01 Take your time.
00:47:05 (Phone rings)
00:47:07 You're all of a tingle, aren't you?
00:47:10 Er...
00:47:12 Hello, Tingle here... Matron here.
00:47:15 Oh! Yes, Arthur.
00:47:18 I see. Has the ambulance left?
00:47:20 - Well, if you could get in touch...
00:47:26 That was Arthur.
00:47:31 Oh, damn it.
00:47:33 Then the time for thinking is past.
00:47:35 Give me your answer. Will you?
00:47:37 - I don't know what to say.
00:47:38 - Oh, yes! And no.
00:47:43 Yes, if you're asking me to marry you. No, if not.
00:47:45 Well, I don't have to get married to prove myself.
00:47:48 You do to prove yourself with me.
00:47:50 How do we know
00:47:53 It's like do-it-yourself with a wallpaper.
00:47:55 - Wallpaper?
00:47:58 You tear yourself off a little strip
00:48:00 and try it first!
00:48:01 That may be so, but you're not going
00:48:08 - Step on it, Doctor. She's pretty near.
00:48:12 Even got a nurse.
00:48:13 Good luck, darling.
00:48:17 She won't stay in the house alone at night,
00:48:20 Right. Let's go.
00:48:24 Bye!
00:48:31 OK, darling?
00:48:33 OK, darling.
00:48:41 (Siren)
00:48:46 - Is it bad, Miss Darling?
00:48:48 I can give you a jab to kill it for a bit, if you like.
00:48:51 - Yes, please, Doctor.
00:48:53 Nurse, in that case there, you'll find a hypo.
00:48:55 - A what?
00:48:57 Oh.
00:49:01 - This thing?
00:49:06 Take it easy. It won't be long now, Miss Darling.
00:49:11 - Hurry up, Nurse.
00:49:15 Oh! You idiot!
00:49:17 You've given me the lot.
00:49:20 Quickly! Do something!
00:49:22 Yes, miss. Right away, miss.
00:49:24 Not to him. Me!
00:49:25 It's coming!
00:49:27 Oh, no!
00:49:29 No, I do not believe in free love. And what's
00:49:34 You don't believe in paying for it, do you?
00:49:36 I don't want to hear any more,
00:49:38 and I think you'd better go
00:49:42 I know what it is.
00:49:45 There's someone else, isn't there?
00:49:48 - Haven't you?
00:49:50 It's just that I'm a simple woman
00:49:54 Ooh, you can be as wooed as you like with me.
00:49:57 You don't understand.
00:50:00 I want to be given chocolates and flowers.
00:50:03 Oh, well, here you are.
00:50:05 I'll buy you a packet of Fruit & Nut tomorrow.
00:50:10 I didn't think it was possible
00:50:12 that someone could go down to the depths
00:50:18 I'm only flesh and blood!
00:50:20 I'm tingling like a beast, aflame with passion.
00:50:23 Burning with desire.
00:50:25 I'm bur... Here, I told you I was hot stuff, didn't I?
00:50:28 Oh! The wardrobe's on fire!
00:50:30 All right, all right, don't panic. I'll see to it.
00:50:39 Stand well back, Matron.
00:50:42 Now, then. Here we go, you see?
00:50:46 Don't worry, I'll soon have it out.
00:50:50 You Jezebel!
00:50:52 Bernard, I can explain!
00:50:55 - Now, look...
00:50:57 Here's the message,
00:51:01 I can't help that. I tell you, she's not here yet.
00:51:04 - It's true. We were just watching television.
00:51:08 - I'll never be able to hold up my head again.
00:51:12 Hey, come on, Dick.
00:51:15 Prodd! Good gracious!
00:51:17 What happened to him?
00:51:19 Don't ask me, sir. We just found him like that
00:51:22 - He's drunk.
00:51:24 Take a look inside.
00:51:28 MATRON: Triplets!
00:51:29 - Nurse, did you?
00:51:36 SIR BERNARD: Three little darlings.
00:51:38 Three Darlings...
00:51:42 Right. This is the storeroom where they keep
00:51:46 Oh, yeah?
00:51:49 Up in the ward, stupid. Where do you think?
00:51:51 Well, it doesn't always follow.
00:51:54 I'm glad he told us that. It makes the job easier.
00:51:57 Number 73.
00:52:00 All right, all right. So you're a born traveller.
00:52:03 Now, will you shut up for a minute and listen?
00:52:05 Now, as far as I can see, the only way
00:52:09 is through the front door of the hospital.
00:52:11 - That can't be right.
00:52:12 No.73 doesn't go to Brixton.
00:52:14 Oh, cor blimey...
00:52:15 - It does.
00:52:17 It goes from Marble Arch
00:52:19 - It can't do, else how was I born in Brixton?
00:52:23 I ought to know where I was born.
00:52:24 I don't care where you were born!
00:52:26 It's bad enough it happened.
00:52:28 We've got more important things to talk about.
00:52:30 Now, then, as far as I can see, we...
00:52:34 - You're both wrong. The 73 goes to Holloway.
00:52:37 I ought to know. I used to catch it on the way
00:52:41 - You're thinking of the 116.
00:52:45 It goes down to Balls Pond Road,
00:52:48 - What are you on about?
00:52:51 - What a load of rubbish. It goes...
00:52:53 The fuzz!
00:52:56 Wait a minute. Wait.
00:52:58 What are we doing?
00:53:01 - Oh, yeah. That's right.
00:53:10 Papers.
00:53:11 It's only the papers.
00:53:13 All right, then.
00:53:17 Here, there's a picture of Cyril on the front page.
00:53:20 Let me see.
00:53:25 Oh, no.
00:53:27 There's one in this one, too.
00:53:29 Let's have a look.
00:53:31 - Oh, yeah. It's a good likeness, innit?
00:53:34 Something happened
00:53:37 Blimey, Cyril delivered the babies.
00:53:38 It just shows you what a good education
00:53:42 - Fancy, old Cyril an heroine.
00:53:45 He'll get a kick up the backside.
00:53:46 Well, I only asked. What's he done?
00:53:49 What's he done?
00:53:51 He's just about ruined the whole thing,
00:53:53 "Take it easy," I said.
00:53:57 He couldn't have drawn more bloody attention
00:54:00 I've got to get down there.
00:54:08 Well, Mrs Tidey. Another false alarm, I see.
00:54:10 Afraid so, Matron.
00:54:12 Do you know what I think?
00:54:16 Possibly.
00:54:17 Still, it's nice to be back. I don't like that
00:54:21 It isn't meant for comfort, Mrs Tidey.
00:54:23 Well, it looks as if we'll have to try
00:54:27 Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind
00:54:50 Yeah...
00:54:51 Cor...
00:54:53 What is it? Quick, tell me. What's she had?
00:54:55 Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.
00:54:58 - Eh?
00:54:59 What? Hasn't she? Hasn't she had the?
00:55:01 No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.
00:55:06 What, again? I can't do that.
00:55:08 What'll my mates say?
00:55:11 Well, in your job, you should be used to that.
00:55:13 I've got to be back at work on Monday,
00:55:16 We're starting another strike then.
00:55:18 Really? Well, if it hasn't arrived by then,
00:55:23 Now, look here.
00:55:25 I'm not budging from here until she's had it
00:55:28 Well, please yourself, Mr Tidey,
00:55:33 Dynamite, that's what she needs.
00:55:36 Give her dynamite!
00:55:38 - Morning, Arthur.
00:55:42 - Sir Bernard.
00:55:45 I'd like to apologise
00:55:47 Matron, if you're worried that I might be
00:55:52 We're all mature, adult people,
00:55:54 and whatever goes on between you
00:55:58 however disgusting it may be!
00:56:01 Nothing goes on. We're just good friends.
00:56:04 Good fr... I know all about good friends.
00:56:07 She was the groundsman's daughter,
00:56:10 That is a very uncalled-for remark, Sir Bernard,
00:56:15 It isn't all you're expecting, I shouldn't wonder.
00:56:17 Very well, Sir Bernard. But don't come to me
00:56:22 I am a woman, not a do-it-yourself kit!
00:56:34 (Shouts) Good morning, Doctor.
00:56:38 Have a bad night?
00:56:40 No, thanks. I've just had one.
00:56:42 Just exactly what did you do
00:56:45 - Your roommate?
00:56:48 What did I do to her?
00:56:50 Yes. Well, she hasn't been back to the room
00:56:54 - That's the best news I've heard today.
00:56:57 I'm supposed to be looking after her.
00:56:59 Believe me, Nurse Ball.
00:57:02 Have you done Mrs Brown's specimen?
00:57:04 - What?
00:57:07 Eurgh! It's done. Take it away.
00:57:16 Send in the first patient, please.
00:57:20 Morning, Doctor.
00:57:24 Oh. Mrs Tucker, isn't it?
00:57:27 Thank you, Doctor.
00:57:31 Now, what's your problem?
00:57:33 Well, I came to see you three months ago,
00:57:36 because I was going to get married
00:57:37 and I was worried about my husband
00:57:40 - Yes, that's right. He was a bit older than you.
00:57:44 Yes. And?
00:57:46 Well, if you remember, you suggested it might
00:57:51 You know, someone a little nearer my own age.
00:57:54 Yes. But purely off the record, of course.
00:57:56 Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.
00:57:58 - Really? What about your husband?
00:58:02 Oh. That's all right, then. What about the lodger?
00:58:05 Well, that's the trouble.
00:58:07 She's pregnant, too.
00:58:10 Nurse Carter, I've been worried about you.
00:58:13 Fast asleep in the sluice room, Matron.
00:58:16 I couldn't stand the fuss last night.
00:58:18 But you acted splendidly, my dear.
00:58:22 Matron, I don't think I'm cut out
00:58:25 Nonsense. You're just tired.
00:58:28 Have a nice rest,
00:58:31 - Oh, no, I won't.
00:58:33 I've had hundreds of capable nurses
00:58:36 and you have that extra little something
00:58:39 How did you know?
00:58:41 Excuse me,
00:58:43 I shall go to my room, get the key
00:58:46 Nurse Ball, take Nurse Carter to your room
00:58:49 - Oh, no!
00:58:52 Come along, Matron's pet. Let's go to bye-byes.
00:58:58 I think I can manage from here, thank you.
00:59:00 I may as well see you into bed.
00:59:02 No. I'd rather be alone, if you don't mind.
00:59:04 - Please yourself.
00:59:11 I don't believe it!
00:59:24 I just couldn't go without making sure
00:59:27 Perfectly, thank you.
00:59:28 You fell right on your chest.
00:59:31 Oh, no. It's fine, rea...
00:59:35 Oh, good. Well, now I'm here,
00:59:39 - I can manage by myself, thanks.
00:59:42 - Honestly, I don't need help.
00:59:45 As a nurse, I've had to undress plenty of men.
00:59:47 I dare say, but that's beside the point.
00:59:50 You said "men".
00:59:52 You know, then? But how?
00:59:54 When you tripped on the stairs just now,
00:59:59 Oh, well, that's it, then, isn't it?
01:00:03 I've met some pretty kinky nurses in my time,
01:00:07 Oh! I pinched those last night
01:00:12 Black lace... I'd love to have seen that.
01:00:16 I don't have to bother with this damn thing
01:00:18 Oh, that's much better.
01:00:22 You know, you're really quite dishy.
01:00:25 I bet you say that
01:00:27 Would you mind telling me, why the hell
01:00:32 - No, nothing like that.
01:00:34 You just felt the urge to become a nurse
01:00:37 No. I didn't know that would happen.
01:00:39 Well, why then? We are roommates,
01:00:44 You won't like it if I tell you.
01:00:46 - Well, I'm not forcing you to.
01:00:49 I'd like you to know.
01:00:51 You see, it all started...
01:01:00 How do you do? I wonder if you could tell me
01:01:04 Are you from the press?
01:01:05 Oh, no. I'm his father.
01:01:07 Er... she's my son. My... my daughter.
01:01:11 I've got so many kids, it gets confusing.
01:01:13 Well, Mr Carter, she's resting at the moment.
01:01:18 Yes, I know. But I'm sure she'd like to see me.
01:01:22 Well, since you're her father.
01:01:24 She's at No.16, the nurses' home.
01:01:27 That's outside and turn right.
01:01:28 Thank you.
01:01:38 Mrs Kemp, what was Mr Hodgkiss doing here?
01:01:41 Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?
01:01:43 Yes. The man who just went out.
01:01:45 Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss, Matron.
01:01:48 Nurse Carter's father.
01:01:51 I could have sworn that...
01:01:53 What did he want?
01:01:55 To see his daughter, I think.
01:01:57 I sent him to the nurses' home.
01:01:59 Did you?
01:02:01 There's something funny going on here.
01:02:06 I told you you wouldn't like it.
01:02:08 You, a crook? I don't believe it.
01:02:11 I'm not a proper one. It's my first go at it, actually.
01:02:15 - To pinch pills? But that's ridiculous!
01:02:20 You'll have to tell them, I suppose.
01:02:22 Well, yes. I suppose I should.
01:02:24 But... I don't know,
01:02:28 Well, I'd better get back to work.
01:02:30 - You mean you're not going to?
01:02:33 - Tell them about me and what I'm doing here.
01:02:38 You're lovely. Do you know that?
01:02:40 Ah... you're not so bad yourself.
01:02:44 What was that for?
01:02:45 For being kind enough not to undo my bra
01:02:48 I'm glad you brought that up.
01:02:50 Here, stop it.
01:03:05 Excuse me.
01:03:07 Uh!
01:03:08 Cor blimey!
01:03:12 - Dad.
01:03:14 This is my roommate Susan.
01:03:16 - Oh, hello.
01:03:19 Is that who you were
01:03:22 - Yeah. That's right.
01:03:24 Will you excuse me? I've got to get back.
01:03:27 What do you think you're doing?
01:03:29 Kissing nurses. And without your wig on.
01:03:31 - You might have given yourself away.
01:03:34 I know. They all do these day...
01:03:37 - Yeah. But she won't tell anyone.
01:03:40 - You're still going through with it?
01:03:44 - Don't expect any help from me.
01:03:47 We need you to get us in.
01:03:48 - No, I'm sorry, Dad...
01:03:51 - Now, look, Dad.
01:03:55 plug up your ear holes.
01:03:57 It's too late. Do you hear that noise?
01:03:59 She's turning in her grave.
01:04:03 - All right. All right, Dad, I'll do it.
01:04:06 - Just tell me what you want me to do.
01:04:15 - We'll be here at 11 o'clock sharp. Got that?
01:04:18 We don't want any more slip-ups,
01:04:21 How did that nurse get on to you?
01:04:22 She saw these pants
01:04:25 - We can't risk that. You'll have to take 'em off.
01:04:28 - Take your pants off.
01:04:30 Get 'em off!
01:04:32 What's going on in there?
01:04:36 - That's Matron!
01:04:38 - That's the loo.
01:04:41 - (Falsetto) Yes!
01:04:43 I know there's a man in there.
01:04:47 Let her in.
01:04:58 Oh! Oh, you poor child.
01:05:00 Where is he? Where is the filthy beast?
01:05:02 Oh!
01:05:10 Come back, you monster!
01:05:16 Come back!
01:05:20 Ooh!
01:05:22 - Shh. It's all right. Don't scream.
01:05:24 Well, that's very nice of you,
01:05:31 Oh...
01:05:33 All right, Nurse. Don't worry.
01:05:44 Oh...
01:05:46 MATRON: Come back!
01:05:51 Come back. I want you!
01:05:53 My God! She's a sex maniac!
01:05:56 Go!
01:06:04 Good heavens, that's what's wrong with me.
01:06:06 I love her.
01:06:12 Miss Banks,
01:06:14 Dr Goode, Psychiatry. Can I help you?
01:06:18 Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?
01:06:20 (Knock at door)
01:06:23 Ah, Goode, my dear chap.
01:06:26 Come in and close the door, will you, old boy?
01:06:31 You wanted to see me about something.
01:06:33 Yes. And don't pretend
01:06:37 What?
01:06:38 Don't try and deny it. I know what's been
01:06:45 every night, bouncing about together
01:06:49 I beg your pardon! We've never had
01:06:53 Don't expect me to believe all that claptrap
01:06:58 The set wasn't even turned on.
01:07:01 Oh, no. We had it off before you came in.
01:07:03 Aha! So you admit it, then?
01:07:06 Certainly not!
01:07:08 I've never felt about Matron in that way.
01:07:11 But now you come to mention it...
01:07:13 Aha! I'll get the truth,
01:07:19 Oh, no. No.
01:07:21 Sir Bernard...
01:07:23 Sir Bernard, no! No!
01:07:25 Help! Help!
01:07:27 - Oh!
01:07:30 - I'll kill him, do you hear? I'll kill him!
01:07:33 - Get out of my way, Miss Banks.
01:07:36 - Get out of my way!
01:07:39 Now, for the last time, will you admit it?
01:07:42 I've never even touched her, I swear it!
01:07:44 Liar and lecher. Admit it! Admit it!
01:07:46 I'm telling the truth. I swear it. Newt's honour.
01:07:50 You're a Newt?
01:07:52 Yes. I've been Master of the Grand Order
01:07:56 Really?
01:07:57 Of course.
01:08:01 But this is splendid.
01:08:03 What pond do you belong to?
01:08:06 Wapping and Old Stairs.
01:08:08 - Really?
01:08:10 I am a Grand Salamander Newt
01:08:16 You're not!
01:08:17 - Glub glub.
01:08:19 We swear
01:08:20 to uphold the noble code
01:08:32 Now, come on, Mrs Tidey. Let's get to sleep.
01:08:35 But I'm still hungry.
01:08:37 It's not good to go to sleep
01:08:40 Well, I'd hardly call yours empty, Mrs Tidey.
01:08:43 She's had two of everything for supper, Matron.
01:08:47 Well, we can't let her go to sleep hungry,
01:08:51 What about a nice big glass of... castor oil?
01:08:55 Good night.
01:09:13 (Snoring)
01:09:27 I'm going up to my room now, Arthur.
01:09:29 It should be a quiet night.
01:09:32 I hope so, after last night.
01:09:39 (Falsetto) Who is it?
01:09:41 It's me, Susan.
01:09:46 Here you are. I think they're dry enough.
01:09:48 Thanks a lot.
01:09:50 Next time, be more choosy
01:09:53 They smell something awful.
01:09:55 - I didn't notice what she smelt like.
01:09:59 Oh, go on. Go and get changed.
01:10:03 Here, do you know something?
01:10:07 What is it really?
01:10:08 Cyril.
01:10:10 Oh, dear. Well, I suppose I'll get used to it.
01:10:13 Does that mean
01:10:16 Well, that all depends on you, doesn't it?
01:10:18 You know I want to see you.
01:10:19 That's all very well,
01:10:23 I've told you. Honestly. I'm going to pack it all in.
01:10:27 All right, Nurse. It's a deal.
01:10:39 How's the time?
01:10:40 Two minutes to.
01:10:42 Drive in slowly, and park.
01:10:59 Dad, wait a minute! Listen! Dad!
01:11:01 Dad!
01:11:03 - Everything OK?
01:11:05 Prodd's hanging around the entrance hall.
01:11:07 - Is that the one who tried to get matey?
01:11:11 - Get him out here.
01:11:13 You're a woman, aren't you? Flash 'em.
01:11:16 Dad...
01:11:19 You seem a bit down tonight, doc.
01:11:21 You'd be down, too, if you'd had 50ccs
01:11:25 ARTHUR: Hey, talking about that,
01:11:27 - here comes our little heroine.
01:11:29 Oh, Dr Prodd,
01:11:31 I wanted to apologise for what I did last night.
01:11:34 It's all right. It only hurts when I sit down.
01:11:36 You've been so sweet about it,
01:11:40 Well, if you put it like that...
01:11:41 What had you in mind?
01:11:43 I was wondering whether you'd like to see...
01:11:46 me back to the nurses' home.
01:11:48 Yes, I think I could just about manage it.
01:11:51 Standing up.
01:11:59 I don't know what it is about a maternity hospital,
01:12:09 - Just a minute.
01:12:11 - I've got something for you.
01:12:13 A little surprise. Close your eyes.
01:12:15 Let me have it.
01:12:27 All right. That's it. Get Ernie.
01:12:35 All right, Ernie, this is it. Out you get.
01:12:38 - Well, come on. Jump.
01:12:42 - Bag.
01:12:43 - Get the bag.
01:12:45 - Nurse.
01:12:47 Pregnant and I've got to carry my own bag.
01:12:49 Watch it. Just watch it.
01:12:52 Hold it. Careful. Careful.
01:12:54 It won't be long now.
01:12:56 - You show the way?
01:12:59 - Doctor.
01:13:03 - Hey, what is all this?
01:13:07 I am Doctor... Zhivago.
01:13:09 I have here an emergency.
01:13:11 Oh. Are they expecting you, Doctor?
01:13:13 Expecting?
01:13:14 What do you think this is? Wind?
01:13:16 Don't you worry. The nurse knows all about it.
01:13:19 Oh, well, you're in good hands with her.
01:13:21 Jawohl. A proper little
01:13:34 Doctor Zhivago?
01:13:37 What did I tell you? It worked like a charm.
01:13:39 - Cor...
01:13:41 It shows you, the power of suggestion.
01:13:43 - What are you talking about?
01:13:46 You'll feel something kicking if you don't belt up.
01:13:55 - We'll never pick that lock.
01:13:58 That's right. Wake up the whole hospital.
01:14:01 - Know where they keep the keys?
01:14:03 - Where will I find her?
01:14:06 - You stay here with him.
01:14:08 - What if it happens while you're gone?
01:14:11 Well, I mean, I...
01:14:12 I'm sorry. I keep thinking
01:14:15 I'll give you one in a minute.
01:14:17 Here.
01:14:18 You twerp!
01:14:25 - Oh!
01:14:28 That's all right. But what are you doing here?
01:14:31 I think we are lost. We look for the um...
01:14:36 Oh, you mean the delivery room.
01:14:38 Ah, jawohl. Ja.
01:14:40 I don't know how you found your way here,
01:14:43 Along there, down the stairs.
01:14:45 Ah, si. Si.
01:14:47 Grathias, mademoiselle. Grathias.
01:14:49 Enchante.
01:14:53 Come, Frederico.
01:14:55 Arrivederci.
01:15:14 Here, Sid...
01:15:15 - Good boy. Have you found them?
01:15:18 Oh, knickers!
01:15:20 Here, Sid, I've found 'em.
01:15:23 Put 'em down!
01:15:25 What are we looking for?
01:15:27 Keys, you fool!
01:15:28 Oh, keys, you fool.
01:15:41 Matron, it's me. May I come in?
01:15:44 It's Bernard.
01:15:50 Matron...
01:16:02 Still warm.
01:16:04 She can't be far away.
01:16:06 Oh...
01:16:07 (Footsteps)
01:16:13 Oh, Matron. I've come to apologise.
01:16:15 - I misjudged you terribly.
01:16:17 And what's caused this sudden change,
01:16:20 A desire to prove yourself again?
01:16:22 No, no. I was talking to Dr Goode
01:16:26 and, as a brother Newt, I believe him implicitly.
01:16:30 A brother Newt?
01:16:32 Yes. We're both Newts, you know.
01:16:34 Oh, where did you happen to meet?
01:16:37 Oh, now, don't be like that, Matron.
01:16:40 Say you'll forgive me. Please.
01:16:42 Oh, that's all very well, Sir Bernard,
01:16:44 but the fact that you thought I could entertain
01:16:48 - well, that sort of thing.
01:16:52 - I beg your pardon?
01:16:56 As you are to me?
01:16:57 Desperately.
01:17:00 Three times a day and shake well before taking.
01:17:03 You have such a romantic way
01:17:06 Say you'll have me!
01:17:09 Come, Sir Bernard.
01:17:10 Sit beside me.
01:17:13 - Ooh!
01:17:16 Ooh...
01:17:18 Oh, no! Not again!
01:17:21 They don't half put those gas meters
01:17:24 Excuse me, madam.
01:17:26 Matron! How could you?
01:17:28 Sir Bernard, I don't know
01:17:31 No. You should have shoved him
01:17:35 Perhaps you've got one in there alrea... Already!
01:17:37 My God! You have!
01:17:41 Yes. You've got woodworm
01:17:44 We'll send you an estimate.
01:17:46 Matron, I've only got one thing to say to you,
01:17:48 never try to join the Newts.
01:17:51 - I've never seen those men. They were in the...
01:17:54 Come on. Let's get this door open.
01:17:57 - Did you get it?
01:18:00 We'll have to blow it. Ernie, get the stuff out.
01:18:02 Come on. Hurry up.
01:18:04 Be careful with it. Steady with it.
01:18:08 Slowly.
01:18:11 There. There you are.
01:18:13 Careful.
01:18:14 Huh... Looking for woodworm...
01:18:19 - I'm not a fool.
01:18:22 I tell you, those men are up to no good.
01:18:24 Arthur, have you seen
01:18:27 Suspicious, Matron?
01:18:28 Yes. One in uniform,
01:18:31 Oh, the men who came in with the emergency,
01:18:35 There you are. What did I tell you?
01:18:36 Emergency? We're not expecting
01:18:39 Well, Nurse Carter seemed to know all about it.
01:18:42 Nurse Carter? Where did they go?
01:18:44 Up in the lift, Matron.
01:18:45 We'll get to the bottom of this. Arthur,
01:18:50 I'll find out who's been unauthorised
01:19:07 All right. Come on. Get down.
01:19:14 Oh! Oh!
01:19:15 What's that?
01:19:16 Oh! Sister! Quick!
01:19:18 It's starting.
01:19:22 - Sister!
01:19:24 Just lie back. I won't be a moment. Just relax.
01:19:31 Come on, Dad. Hurry up.
01:19:33 All right. That's enough.
01:19:35 Here you are.
01:19:38 Let's go.
01:19:48 Blimey, that was quick, doc.
01:19:50 Ja. It's my new method.
01:19:52 I just whistle and out she comes.
01:19:54 - Pardon...
01:19:57 Back way. Quick!
01:20:06 Come on. Down here.
01:20:09 Here they are.
01:20:13 Locked. Through there!
01:20:20 They're locked!
01:20:22 Come on!
01:20:26 Down here!
01:20:27 There they are!
01:20:32 This is the maternity hospital here.
01:20:34 I'd like to report an explosion.
01:20:36 - They can't go through here.
01:20:38 - Where could they have got to?
01:20:43 No! No!
01:20:45 Come on!
01:20:47 Come on!
01:20:49 Stop those men! They're trespassing!
01:20:54 (All shout)
01:20:56 - Come on. Through here.
01:20:58 - I'll ladder my stockings.
01:21:05 Look out.
01:21:07 Mind my... mind my back.
01:21:11 Matron. Through here. Quickly.
01:21:14 Dirty nappies.
01:21:16 Eurgh!
01:21:20 Come on, Matron. The wards.
01:21:32 Aargh!
01:21:35 Missed me!
01:21:37 Aargh!
01:21:56 Mr Tidey...
01:21:57 Congratulations, your wife's just had a fine boy.
01:22:00 At last! I told you to use dynamite, didn't I?
01:22:04 Did you hear that, mates?
01:22:06 I've got a boy.
01:22:08 You've done it! Well done.
01:22:10 - Well done.
01:22:11 There they are! Matron!
01:22:19 (Blows whistle)
01:22:35 - Do you mind?
01:22:40 - It's no good.
01:22:44 There they are!
01:22:49 - There they are.
01:22:54 Get them!
01:22:56 There's millions of 'em, like rabbits!
01:22:59 Don't let them go.
01:23:01 All right, all right, the game's up.
01:23:03 Hand over whatever it is you've got there.
01:23:05 - Quiet, please. I am trying to phone.
01:23:10 I'm trying to.
01:23:11 - I wouldn't, mate.
01:23:14 Well, if it ever got out that the nurse
01:23:19 What?
01:23:20 I don't believe it.
01:23:23 You want more proof?
01:23:26 - Get off, Dad.
01:23:29 Very well. Arthur, put the phone down.
01:23:33 Simple. We give you the stuff back,
01:23:35 - My baby.
01:23:41 - Give it to me.
01:23:43 - All right. Hold the case, then.
01:23:45 You'll have to let them go, Sir Bernard.
01:23:48 Very well. Arthur, open the doors.
01:23:59 (Siren)
01:24:08 Ha-ha. It's time we left.
01:24:10 What on ea...
01:24:12 Prodd!
01:24:15 What on earth do you think you're doing,
01:24:21 (Wedding bells)
01:24:27 - Ah...
01:24:29 Well done.
01:24:32 - Our turn next, eh?
01:24:34 - You're not, are you?
01:24:37 - Here.
01:24:40 Don't they look lovely?
01:24:42 Yeah. I'm glad something good's
01:24:45 Happy, my dear?
01:24:47 Especially for you.
01:24:51 I'm not worried about that any more,
01:24:56 - Are we going to do another job?
01:24:59 Really? What is it?
01:25:01 I was reading about
01:25:04 If I could just get somebody in there
01:25:10 Hey! Come back!
01:25:11 Come back, you fools!
01:25:14 Captioned by Grantman Brown