Confetti

en
00:00:59 My name is Antoni Clarke,
00:01:05 I'm not gay.
00:01:12 Now, I own "Confetti" magazine,
00:01:15 and she's really
00:01:18 She does all the day-to-day work, if you like.
00:01:22 This will be the event of the year. We have
00:01:26 It's immense, because our reputation
00:01:32 It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon.
00:01:35 Three weddings. It's easy.
00:01:37 All you have to do is hold up a card
00:01:42 We were going to do
00:01:46 but we thought that would just end up being
00:01:50 So we thought we'd do
00:01:54 We're giving away a house
00:01:59 Not everyone
00:02:03 Not everyone wants their special day
00:02:14 Pitch us your vision
00:02:18 OK. Well, erm, we're really
00:02:22 - It's a dinosaur themed wedding?
00:02:27 - Thanks so much for coming.
00:02:29 I don't want to waste your time.
00:02:32 Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.
00:02:37 All the guys are going to be dressed
00:02:40 And the girls will be dressed as teddy girls.
00:02:43 - Do you think it's been done before?
00:02:46 Right. Next.
00:02:48 Vivien, am I going to be
00:02:51 We're going to get married
00:02:56 It's a train route, it starts at Cardiff...
00:02:59 I appreciate you want to win a house,
00:03:02 Good three changes
00:03:05 You fucking loved it, didn't you?
00:03:08 You know, she was tremendously pretty.
00:03:10 We could partner her up with somebody else.
00:03:13 Well, what we had in mind
00:03:17 Great!
00:03:18 It starts with the sacrifice of a pig
00:03:23 Fuck me.
00:03:24 But maybe with some hairstyle around it,
00:03:28 Oh... Next.
00:03:30 Get out.
00:03:32 If we were producing a sort of
00:03:36 you two would be perfect.
00:03:41 Naturists, or "The Joy of Sex"?
00:03:43 The Joy of Sex are better-looking,
00:03:47 Well, it's more... It's more Confetti.
00:03:49 Well, I don't want them at all.
00:03:52 That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.
00:04:05 Our submission was accepted,
00:04:07 and our submission, by the way,
00:04:11 - A musical wedding.
00:04:13 That's what we're going for.
00:04:16 The idea that we picked is,
00:04:20 so it's a big kind of production number.
00:04:23 We're having the sort of bridesmaids
00:04:27 You know, they have the sweeping kind
00:04:32 and Jen, my sister, obviously,
00:04:36 - Absolutely.
00:04:38 She's a dancer.
00:04:41 She travels around a lot,
00:04:47 Erm, I work in a care home for the elderly.
00:04:53 She sings for them, lovely.
00:04:55 I'm slightly tone-deaf, but Matt's always said
00:04:58 if I wasn't tone-deaf,
00:05:01 - Yeah, I think that's true.
00:05:05 It's all confidence, that's all it is.
00:05:13 Well, the vision for our wedding
00:05:16 Tennis.
00:05:19 Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef.
00:05:22 I mean, we are gonna win.
00:05:25 the other people in the competition,
00:05:28 - Stop.
00:05:32 It's not about how good our wedding is,
00:05:37 That's what you do in tennis. You look at
00:05:44 Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...
00:05:47 - We have a coach.
00:05:49 Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.
00:05:53 My inner game has gone at the moment,
00:05:57 So in the court, that's what we're working on.
00:05:59 - He's very interested in getting inside you.
00:06:13 - Well, I'm Michael, this is Joanna.
00:06:15 And, er, yeah,
00:06:18 Joanna's... Oh.
00:06:21 And Joanna's quite new to it, really. Um...
00:06:25 I'm a beginner.
00:06:29 Summerland. It's the oldest
00:06:34 Mum and Dad lived here,
00:06:37 Well, my dad was a policeman,
00:06:41 And they do think...
00:06:49 It's not a cult.
00:06:51 It's not a cult.
00:06:54 - I mean, we are all naked, apart from clothes.
00:06:58 And when you take the clothes off,
00:07:01 I know I'm... For this film, I'm supposed
00:07:05 but, you know, I'm looking at my penis now,
00:07:12 Now, the auditions we had, I was very
00:07:18 One is a potential idea,
00:07:22 No, no, no, we're going back
00:07:26 The tennis couple maybe could work.
00:07:28 But the girl,
00:07:32 I mean, I can't take my eyes off them.
00:07:34 If you put that on a front cover, the nation
00:07:39 The third choice...
00:07:41 Oh.
00:07:43 I mean, where do you want me to start?
00:07:48 But I'm optimistic.
00:07:50 I have my wedding planners
00:07:54 Heron and Hough,
00:08:01 Push a bit from the other side.
00:08:06 Come in, come in.
00:08:07 - Hi!
00:08:10 This is my partner.
00:08:12 - Heron and Hough.
00:08:15 I think this is going to be
00:08:18 theatrical, wedding love celebration.
00:08:22 - Three-ring circus.
00:08:24 We're going to be right at its center.
00:08:27 Don't show them that.
00:08:29 - This...
00:08:31 This is our award wall.
00:08:36 - You shouldn't show them that, Archie.
00:08:38 Don't show them that one, or that one.
00:08:43 We're not clear on budget, are we?
00:08:45 But the great thing is,
00:08:48 So I think we're safely assuming
00:08:52 Just a little bit.
00:08:53 So we've already started. We haven't
00:08:58 - that we wanted to kind of spring on them.
00:09:02 - Black and silver sparkle.
00:09:06 Also we're up against time.
00:09:08 We would often plan a wedding
00:09:11 and we have three months
00:09:15 - Which we're up for.
00:09:20 What we give people is a huge part
00:09:25 - We have not lost one yet.
00:09:27 There is nobody who has been married
00:09:31 who is not still together.
00:09:35 Oh, come on, don't serve so hard to her.
00:09:37 - What do you mean, don't serve so hard?
00:09:40 Are you here? Are you in the room?
00:09:42 - Do it again.
00:09:45 Jesus is, uh...
00:09:49 exceptionally,
00:09:53 Oh, well, my name is Jesus
00:09:58 Yup.
00:09:59 That's the difficulties of my name,
00:10:06 I mean, if anyone goes around
00:10:11 There must be a deep well
00:10:16 I will hurt if they getting married,
00:10:20 because I think
00:10:23 Yeah, that's character.
00:10:27 she needs more smiling,
00:10:34 - Back.
00:10:37 And front.
00:10:39 - Don't stop. I think this is good.
00:10:41 - Just wait. Keep going.
00:10:44 - No, I'm not... I'm not ti-red.
00:10:46 - Just for the...
00:10:49 - Positive.
00:10:50 Just for the opening, I was feeling something.
00:10:54 - What were you feeling?
00:10:57 - For the wedding?
00:10:59 - That will be excellent.
00:11:04 He goes on about how
00:11:07 they're very tactile, but he doesn't touch
00:11:13 I don't think...
00:11:17 Oi!
00:11:19 I'm watching.
00:11:22 Rules of entry, number one: you
00:11:27 Two: you agree to participate
00:11:32 Counseling.
00:11:36 - Counseling.
00:11:40 - I'm not doing counseling.
00:11:42 I'm not doing counseling. I've done
00:11:47 I'm not doing it!
00:11:50 Let's just concentrate
00:11:54 I mean, the tennis players, Isabelle and Josef.
00:11:58 - Well, we want them to win, don't we?
00:12:03 - They'll look wonderful.
00:12:05 She's a little dowdy.
00:12:07 No, she'll be fine
00:12:10 You never know on the day, either. The
00:12:15 I don't think anyone wants to see her muff.
00:12:17 You chose them.
00:12:35 I was quite excited
00:12:38 I think of the three couples,
00:12:42 I think they're all exciting,
00:12:46 I have slight problems with the tennis,
00:12:52 A woman that only wears things that
00:12:57 Yes, and they did smell.
00:13:18 - It was...
00:13:20 - Yeah, it was an amazing day.
00:13:24 And also from the time
00:13:29 That would be enough, the fact that
00:13:33 Oh, my God.
00:14:39 They just happened to pick her
00:14:41 to have a makeover
00:14:44 So we had to have a word.
00:14:47 A civil word.
00:14:49 And they kindly agreed to, uh, to go again.
00:14:55 Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous!
00:14:59 Big round of applause for the lovely Isabella.
00:15:10 Look, she's got herself in the picture.
00:15:13 Just... See, at the back?
00:15:16 Hi.
00:15:17 - Oh, hi.
00:15:19 Come on in.
00:15:21 - Lovely to see you.
00:15:25 - Lovely to see you. In you come.
00:15:28 OK. Well, you know, first and foremost, thank
00:15:35 - We are so excited.
00:15:38 Now, to cut to the chase.
00:15:40 There are several things
00:15:43 Firstly, I need... And this has also
00:15:47 I need one venue for all three weddings.
00:15:51 For the wedding competition.
00:15:53 - For all the weddings?
00:15:55 Cos we thought about
00:15:58 Well, I love your ideas.
00:16:02 So, um, one venue.
00:16:04 Now, the second point is, and one
00:16:08 I need... I need the naked girl dressed.
00:16:14 - In a dress?
00:16:16 - But they're nudists, aren't they?
00:16:18 Well, yes, but they take their clothes off.
00:16:21 - Well, I need them in a dress.
00:16:24 No. That's your job, to tell her.
00:16:27 Right.
00:16:30 - Do they actually play volleyball?
00:16:34 I feel a bit sick, actually, Archie.
00:16:37 - Oh, my God.
00:16:42 Just keep your eye on the road.
00:16:44 - Did you see?
00:16:47 No clothes on,
00:16:49 Just pull up here. Pull up here.
00:16:52 Will there be any...
00:16:55 - It'll be obvious when we meet them.
00:16:58 Hi!
00:17:02 - How you doing? You all right?
00:17:04 - Nice to see you again. Hi, how you doing?
00:17:08 - Archie.
00:17:11 - Glad you made it.
00:17:13 - Oh, I'm all right.
00:17:15 - Well, let's...
00:17:22 - Hi, guys.
00:17:23 - Hi.
00:17:26 You know, you have a really good game
00:17:30 Well, that's a bonus.
00:17:33 - Do you play badminton?
00:17:36 You are aware that these weddings will all...
00:17:38 All three competitors will have their weddings
00:17:43 One after another, sort of concurrently.
00:17:45 - In a venue?
00:17:48 No, it... it... it doesn't absolutely...
00:17:51 Well, it is clear,
00:17:54 It just says
00:17:58 Well, the magazine approves, and they've
00:18:03 it all has to be inside and on one occasion.
00:18:05 - What's that?
00:18:09 - Who's he?
00:18:12 - Oh, sorry.
00:18:14 It explores some of the themes of nature.
00:18:16 You've got these apples, pears and things,
00:18:22 and there's flowers and so on,
00:18:26 And she's just slightly veiled,
00:18:30 But that's just wacky costumes.
00:18:33 It's kind of theatre, isn't it?
00:18:38 - Oh, hi. Thanks ever so much.
00:18:43 I'll move those. Thanks.
00:18:45 - Quite all right.
00:18:49 What do we do? They're going to want
00:18:53 - Aren't they?
00:18:55 - You think we should allow that?
00:18:58 Good. I think that too. If they want to do that,
00:19:02 To ask them to get married, in...
00:19:05 is contrary to everything we believe in.
00:19:07 So, yes, they must be naked people as they
00:19:12 Right. Lovely. So.
00:19:13 - Musical.
00:19:15 Oh, it's not The King And I.
00:19:20 - King And I this, King And I that.
00:19:24 It's East meets West, there's
00:19:27 you know I can...
00:19:30 I'm thinking Singin' in the Rain,
00:19:33 We can have the rain from the Wimbledon
00:19:38 Or On the Town. Oh, please, On the Town.
00:19:41 - I hate On the Town.
00:19:44 It's that woman in the cab.
00:19:47 Oh, she's wonderful.
00:19:50 So, folks. El maestro.
00:19:53 - This is Paul. Sam.
00:19:56 Nice to meet you.
00:19:58 - Hi, Matt.
00:20:00 Oh, how are you?
00:20:01 Paul has been working with us
00:20:07 - which we'd like to show you.
00:20:10 So we've put some stools out.
00:20:14 - If you could take the stools, we're going to...
00:20:17 - Right now.
00:20:19 And we want to show you what we've come
00:20:23 Shall I take my coat off?
00:21:30 - That is really amazing.
00:21:33 - That is... That's amazing.
00:21:36 Yeah. I love it, and it's a bit like ours.
00:21:39 - Show us.
00:21:42 I'm sure it is,
00:21:44 I'm sure we can get some sort
00:22:03 You're both singing in different keys.
00:22:06 - Yep.
00:22:08 - Is that how?
00:22:12 We know now we can't be here, but if
00:22:16 - I don't...
00:22:18 - But for me, it does have to be.
00:22:21 Well, I'm happy as a naturist with you,
00:22:24 But I'm not happy being undressed
00:22:27 It's been your life forever,
00:22:31 You won't give them nightmares.
00:22:33 - It's not... They'll laugh. Someone will laugh.
00:22:37 I'm not prepared to feel shame
00:22:41 It's completely their problem though.
00:22:45 Think about your mum now.
00:22:48 Do you want to get dressed?
00:22:50 Yes. See? There we go. It's her.
00:22:53 She's so... clothed.
00:23:12 I'm like Eno on speed.
00:23:14 It's just like you take the whole thing...
00:23:17 - Speedo.
00:23:19 This is what we're like, innit?
00:23:24 - Well, we still are, it's all right.
00:23:48 We can do Wizard of Oz. Right?
00:23:51 Well, Wizard of Oz is a musical, OK, all right?
00:23:54 - Do you mean at the wedding?
00:23:59 The Tin Man on drums.
00:24:02 - You've got the, um, second guitar can be...
00:24:06 Toto, yes.
00:24:09 I just think you're taking the mickey.
00:24:14 - Flaming Lips do it.
00:24:16 It's not a joke, Snoopy, it's our wedding.
00:24:18 Flaming Lips do it. Have you heard...
00:24:21 You don't really need to speak to her.
00:24:23 I'll have to calm this one down,
00:24:27 No, mate, it's just the monkey tipped it over.
00:24:30 - Soon as I said the monkey with the wings...
00:24:34 I saw her face, it dropped.
00:24:37 It wasn't an integral part.
00:24:43 - I am anxious.
00:24:46 we've got the wedding planners coming in,
00:24:50 hopefully will have come up
00:24:53 because we've not heard much.
00:24:55 No, not much.
00:24:59 - We're hoping they'll come back...
00:25:02 - Sorry we're so late.
00:25:06 Look, shall we just show you?
00:25:09 - Opening of your ceremony.
00:25:12 - Where do you want us?
00:25:16 - Imagine you're the congregation and we're...
00:25:19 And we're sort of looking that way.
00:25:21 - What?
00:25:26 The parade of the ball boys.
00:25:29 On they come!
00:25:38 Go!
00:25:42 Go!
00:25:49 Oof!
00:25:51 And then,
00:25:59 - All the way down, on the tramlines, hm?
00:26:03 And then you perform your vows.
00:26:06 And that's the start. What do you think?
00:26:12 That's not... We need
00:26:16 I mean, you move beautifully, both of you,
00:26:18 but we need someone who knows
00:26:22 - Well...
00:26:26 - Yeah.
00:26:28 We think that the choreographer, really,
00:26:30 should be the remit
00:26:36 We can't have the choreographer
00:26:39 Well, because their dance
00:26:43 - It's central to ours.
00:26:46 Right before you guys came in,
00:26:49 - She does dancing.
00:26:54 Yeah, whatever, whatever. We need a...
00:26:57 We asked for...
00:26:59 Ahem!
00:27:00 - The problem...
00:27:03 Can you get rid of him? Get rid of him.
00:27:05 Um...
00:27:07 I have to explain something.
00:27:10 There's no question of if, but or maybe,
00:27:13 We are in severe financial...
00:27:16 - I invited him along.
00:27:18 - No, I invited him here.
00:27:20 - I want him to stay!
00:27:23 Listen, speak nice to her.
00:27:26 No, can you go?
00:27:28 - What's it like being short? Do you like it?
00:27:33 What's the weather like down there?
00:27:37 - Josef, stop it.
00:27:41 I'm sorry? What do you have to say to her?
00:27:43 - Don't touch me.
00:27:45 - Stop it!
00:27:48 - Stop it!
00:27:50 No, no!
00:27:52 No, no, no!
00:27:56 Now, listen! Listen, please, please.
00:27:58 - Please, please, please listen. Please.
00:28:02 Please, now listen to me.
00:28:04 You do not have an education from a boy's
00:28:08 and be the only gay boy,
00:28:11 So if you move again, I'm going
00:28:15 He doesn't deserve you.
00:28:17 He'll be fine.
00:28:21 - Sorry.
00:28:25 I think we should just...
00:28:27 No!
00:28:29 No, no, no, no!
00:28:31 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
00:28:34 You stop it, you stop it!
00:28:38 It's ridiculous! It's just stupid!
00:28:42 I come here for this?
00:28:44 I was appalled by that, and shocked.
00:28:47 It was... It was terrifying.
00:28:51 It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.
00:28:55 It's just not what we're used to.
00:29:00 But, you know, we showed them a few things,
00:29:05 You showed them some things.
00:29:07 You stood up for me,
00:29:10 It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.
00:29:14 It was really wonderful, you do know that?
00:29:17 Come on, let's go.
00:29:20 Bye.
00:29:24 - People don't like me, do they?
00:29:27 - Who?
00:29:29 - You don't count.
00:29:31 Well, you do count,
00:29:34 - Why not?
00:29:37 Well, do you like me? I don't like me.
00:29:41 Maybe that's the real problem.
00:29:43 - Thank you, Dr. Freud.
00:29:45 I have a lot more experience.
00:29:49 I'm not going to counseling.
00:29:51 I'm just saying if you'd stayed a bit longer,
00:29:57 We're gonna get you in a positive space
00:30:01 Know what we've got?
00:30:06 You want to hold that for a while?
00:30:09 Huh?
00:30:10 That's what we've got. We've got...
00:30:12 I won this ten years ago.
00:30:15 Hold this. Come on, hold it.
00:30:18 Look at me. Hnngh! Come on.
00:30:20 Come on, Josef, gimme that!
00:30:22 That's it!
00:30:28 - Hello, there!
00:30:31 - Hello, Sam, how are you?
00:30:34 - This is Jen, my sister.
00:30:38 So if you two lovebirds
00:30:41 - Do you want to come as well?
00:30:44 Jen's really interested.
00:30:48 - Professional dancer and choreographer.
00:30:51 She'd like to...
00:30:55 - Oh.
00:30:57 You know, I've been dancing for 12 years,
00:31:02 We're sorry about the other lady,
00:31:05 Well, we have the best dance choreographer
00:31:10 I was just explaining...
00:31:13 - I'm actually a professional choreographer.
00:31:17 - So we've kind of come up with a few ideas.
00:31:21 And what we're kind of thinking is
00:31:26 I mean, I can show you a few...
00:31:28 I'm not quite sure what the ideas are
00:31:32 - Well, shall I...
00:31:35 Cos I don't know that it is all wrapped up yet.
00:31:38 It's like, the theme that we've gone after,
00:31:43 - Right. Fred Astaire and all that.
00:31:47 - Who's the water woman?
00:31:51 Oh, right, yes.
00:31:54 Obviously a smaller version of that.
00:31:56 I mean, it's like... You know.
00:32:00 - Jen's worked some moves out.
00:32:02 - Two rows of girls...
00:32:05 ...Busby Berkeley, all the tinfoil dresses.
00:32:08 And then it's like out,
00:32:11 On the other side,
00:32:14 out, next girl, out, next girl, out.
00:32:17 - Jen...
00:32:19 and you know like
00:32:22 Dream Laurey comes out,
00:32:26 - So I'm Sam.
00:32:28 You know, it just gives you an idea.
00:32:33 If she'd like to do it, then that's fine.
00:32:38 - She is not...
00:32:39 What do you think about the dream ballet?
00:32:41 Cos Sam, you know, physical dyslexia,
00:32:46 - What?
00:32:48 - Well, Sam's got physical dyslexia.
00:32:52 Well, she's, like, clumsy.
00:32:55 - Clumsy? She can't dance?
00:32:58 We did a lot of dancing as kids.
00:33:02 I think it's great that we've got Jen here
00:33:07 but I really feel that we've got Jenny here,
00:33:13 as opposed to a dancer,
00:33:18 She's done cruise ships for years.
00:33:21 - Cruise ships, exactly.
00:33:24 - Right...
00:33:27 - And this choreographer's not?
00:33:30 is help her sister on her wedding day.
00:33:34 But this isn’t just an ordinary wedding.
00:33:38 - We've got to abide by the rules.
00:33:41 Yeah, and it's my wedding day as well.
00:33:44 I'll be your sister.
00:33:47 Jesus, every night.
00:33:48 I know you're stressed and tired
00:33:52 You know, I know you're working hard,
00:33:57 I'm about to get married in a competition.
00:34:01 But you're being so lovely, and you're
00:34:06 - Yeah, for you.
00:34:09 Yeah, but they should know it.
00:34:12 Yeah, because they've not met...
00:34:13 They've not met me? I've lived with
00:34:17 - They will see it, they will.
00:34:19 All I'm saying is that you need to go
00:34:24 - Oh, yeah, I will.
00:34:26 But I love you and I'm completely with you
00:34:32 I'm just amazed at how wonderful you are.
00:34:37 And, and...
00:34:39 I'm so pleased to be marrying you.
00:34:53 I come down the aisle,
00:34:57 in your top hat and tails, with Snoopy,
00:35:01 I come down, you know, shuffling down
00:35:06 And then meet you at the altar.
00:35:09 The other question that I'm worried about
00:35:13 What about your dad?
00:35:16 I don't... I...
00:35:18 You know, I'm not sure
00:35:22 At the moment
00:35:25 - Why?
00:35:27 - I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't...
00:35:30 I'd like him to be there,
00:35:36 To invite your dad to your wedding?
00:35:39 I'm not in a position to...
00:35:45 I'm not in a position to... to do that.
00:35:53 You do want him there, don't you?
00:35:57 All right, your dad being at your wedding
00:36:01 Or that your family being at your wedding
00:36:07 I think your mum's going to have
00:36:20 Feel this bit. That's it. Out.
00:36:28 And run to each other, and round.
00:36:30 And turn out.
00:36:33 And back. Hold his face.
00:36:37 - Not quite like that.
00:36:39 Where's Snoopy's bit?
00:36:42 Where's... We haven't done any of the music.
00:36:45 It's not all, it can't be this, surely, you know?
00:36:47 Cos we've got a thing. La, la.
00:36:50 Not that, it's bigger.
00:37:22 Snoop...
00:37:29 I can do that bit. I can do the twiddly bit.
00:37:33 That's, er, not good. But...
00:37:36 That, I mean, I thought that could be the big...
00:37:39 That's... great.
00:37:41 "Steel III", it's called. "Steel III."
00:37:45 - But what's it got to do with the wedding?
00:37:48 Is that what you think I am?
00:37:52 With a steel tongue?
00:37:55 No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying, er...
00:37:57 You're saying it's nomothetic?
00:38:01 - It makes me sick.
00:38:03 - No, no.
00:38:05 if you sing that song at our wedding,
00:38:08 I'm not. I'm saying everyone else's
00:38:13 - There is no nomothetic!
00:38:18 Snoopy, that's an interesting question,
00:38:39 - Snoopy can do the lyrics...
00:38:42 Snoopy has a vital part to play in this
00:38:46 He is Matt's best friend and he's
00:38:51 But this will be their dream wedding,
00:38:53 and I am prepared to kill or maim
00:38:56 Do you understand me?
00:39:02 - Out you come, my honey.
00:39:06 Oh, she's looking a bit ragged, actually.
00:39:10 Now, which way are we round? We're all
00:39:15 I like the idea.
00:39:18 That kind of thing. Fairies,
00:39:22 - Where's the couple?
00:39:24 I think they're hiding. They're hiding.
00:39:26 - Well, they're not going to be naked.
00:39:29 It's tricky convincing them.
00:39:31 I'm not interested in convincing them.
00:39:35 - We can't have nude people.
00:39:37 They're not going to be on the front cover
00:39:41 - I think we all know that.
00:39:43 Well, they may not.
00:39:45 Don't write them off
00:39:48 What about having a little bush,
00:39:52 a bush area that covers the...
00:39:54 - Well, we had thought...
00:39:58 Well, if it's... If the topiary is done properly,
00:40:03 - Well, they're wearing...
00:40:15 To begin with, the dance is very formal.
00:40:22 Then, more country.
00:40:26 Suddenly, bright lights.
00:40:28 What's that rumble?
00:40:31 What it is is the arrival of your camper van.
00:40:34 And inside, you...
00:40:40 are the queen of the fairies.
00:40:42 Me, Oberon-like, as the king of the fairies,
00:40:48 The green man guides them, comforts them.
00:40:51 And he is, of course,
00:40:55 And you're married.
00:41:00 Well, I just think that completely sucks.
00:41:05 I mean, this is our wedding.
00:41:09 We have a little problem here
00:41:13 That is that our brief, if you like,
00:41:17 is that your naturist wedding
00:41:21 And that's come right from the top.
00:41:24 I really have to apologize.
00:41:29 And it was after lunch, they were the best of
00:41:34 - and I think I've made an error of judgment.
00:41:37 OK, we just need
00:41:40 - We just need to get them in a dress.
00:41:44 - Lovely to see you.
00:41:47 This gentleman is James Thursk.
00:41:50 And he sorts things out. I believe
00:41:54 Yeah. Well, er, we've been talking,
00:41:57 and the problem is that we were asked
00:42:01 and our idea was a naturist wedding,
00:42:04 and we found out recently that this is going
00:42:11 Mr. Thursk.
00:42:12 You can't really expect anyone to put naked
00:42:17 - I'm talking about our wedding.
00:42:21 And as naturists, we know that you can't be
00:42:26 You're not naked now,
00:42:29 Is that some kind of challenge?
00:42:32 - I don't think...
00:42:33 I hardly think it's appropriate...
00:42:37 - This isn't going to help.
00:42:40 Stop it there, please.
00:42:44 I'm having a civilized discussion.
00:42:46 I can still have a civilized
00:42:50 He's becoming impossible to live with.
00:42:53 I'm going to stay here
00:42:56 that says that we can have the wedding
00:42:59 I've got to tell you now,
00:43:03 We cannot put out a magazine with people
00:43:08 - OK. Well, uh...
00:43:11 - Yeah, I guess that is the end of it.
00:43:21 Joanna, maybe if you just
00:43:24 I'm not even sure that I want to get married.
00:43:26 This is not what I dreamt of
00:43:30 It is not becoming
00:43:33 He sleeps in the kitchen at the moment.
00:43:35 What if you dressed yourself up
00:43:38 Maybe you've just been naked too much.
00:43:42 Being so naked the whole time,
00:43:45 There's no sort of magic. James?
00:43:48 Yes. There's something
00:43:52 Well, if I can just start by simply explaining
00:43:58 We're here today to talk about
00:44:04 There's not really much to talk about.
00:44:06 I mean, you know, I felt that what we were
00:44:10 and that would involve people
00:44:16 - It's AKA, not aka.
00:44:18 Apparently not everybody feels the same way.
00:44:24 I have expressed a... Not just a
00:44:30 is that being naked in front
00:44:33 I keep saying,
00:44:35 Your body is the most eloquent expression
00:44:40 Get it into your thick head
00:44:42 If we take "thick" out for the moment,
00:44:46 - Right.
00:44:50 - Let's take "thick" out then.
00:44:55 Could you, could you... Are you ready
00:45:02 Well done. Lovely. OK.
00:46:12 The wedding planners
00:46:15 They get a choreographer.
00:46:18 - Next.
00:46:20 Well, she had a makeover at the wedding fair
00:46:25 - You did make a fuss.
00:46:28 - They're getting... Is it rigged?
00:46:33 - Just tell us, because we...
00:46:36 Well, it doesn't seem like that
00:46:40 I'm the chair of the judging panel,
00:46:44 - You have the casting vote?
00:46:50 So what are you, uh, what do you w...
00:46:56 So, Isabelle. Let's have a look at your nose.
00:46:59 - Shall I?
00:47:02 - OK. So...
00:47:04 What I see in your nose
00:47:07 the bridge, is a little bit too wide,
00:47:11 The nose a little bit too short,
00:47:15 And when I look at you,
00:47:20 And I personally don't like that.
00:47:23 Yeah? OK.
00:47:39 Have to check what that country's called.
00:48:22 - That's really all I've got at the moment.
00:48:35 Here we go. So, voilà.
00:48:40 That's your basic set, as it were.
00:48:43 - Er, your wedding area.
00:48:45 It'll be lit. Obviously, it's not just this dark.
00:48:48 Here, it's peopled with,
00:48:52 about maybe a little canopy of people.
00:48:55 - I don't know what you think...
00:48:59 - But it'll be lit.
00:49:01 - I'm saying, it'll be lit.
00:49:05 These are star lights all around here.
00:49:07 - Do you?
00:49:08 - Star lights, like little stars.
00:49:11 That's a black floor, and it's not right
00:49:15 It makes it easier for you
00:49:19 or what I thought was using a color.
00:49:21 I just don't like the sound of it.
00:49:24 - Thank you. Cheers. Carry on.
00:49:27 - Matt.
00:49:28 Few flowers or something.
00:49:31 - Flowers don't exist in this theme.
00:49:35 Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.
00:49:37 - What are you doing?
00:49:42 Shapes, bodies of...
00:49:44 What are the lights for?
00:49:46 The great thing about the spotlights
00:49:49 - not people hanging around.
00:49:53 Shut the fuck up! Seriously. Shut the fuck up.
00:49:57 - Matt, excuse me.
00:50:00 - I don't want language like that.
00:50:03 - You shut up.
00:50:07 - Who the hell do you think you are?
00:50:11 - It's gone pear-shaped.
00:50:15 - Your fault. Not mine. Not Sam's. Not Jen's.
00:50:18 You shouting like as though
00:50:22 If you want to come and see us,
00:50:25 But we don't need your sister
00:50:29 - and we won't do it.
00:50:32 - Can you leave my house, please?
00:50:36 This green is giving me a headache.
00:50:39 Stop commenting on my house.
00:50:42 Oh, my godfathers, I tell you what.
00:50:45 I've had enough. I've had enough.
00:50:48 - Right. OK. Take care.
00:50:50 - You need that house, so call us.
00:50:55 That makes two of us. Thanks a lot.
00:50:58 Thanks for coming over. Safe journey.
00:51:01 Well, that was a waste of time.
00:51:04 I'm only trying to help. I tell you what, you
00:51:09 cos you've really upset me this time,
00:51:12 You won't apologize and repair it this time.
00:51:20 Matt's gone.
00:51:22 He could be lying on a park bench
00:51:26 Cos of the way you behaved yesterday.
00:51:28 Don't say you're worrying about him.
00:51:31 Shouting at your sister, shouting at me,
00:51:36 Language like that? No.
00:51:38 He's shouting because
00:51:41 And I can't stand it any more.
00:51:43 Stand what any more, Sam?
00:51:46 Me coming back off a cruise, I'll do the
00:51:51 I was so pleased when I heard
00:51:54 I was so excited to see you. And then
00:51:59 It's like you don't trust
00:52:02 I've had to sit there and watch you and
00:52:08 Going, "Oh, look at Jen, look at Jen."
00:52:12 I want to have a chance. I want to have
00:52:15 Me and Matt getting married, loving each
00:52:20 Give me one day, just one chance,
00:52:25 and I want you to be there loving me,
00:52:30 Not making me feel like some idiot.
00:52:45 Hello.
00:52:49 Morning, Matt. Are you well?
00:52:53 Cheers. Thanks a lot.
00:53:13 You're not the first person to turn up here
00:53:17 No. You've just got to accept
00:53:22 take some time out and look after yourself
00:53:27 You need a bit of me time.
00:53:29 It's very difficult. There's so much pressure.
00:53:32 Particularly with this...
00:53:39 What is that?
00:53:44 Jesus Christ! What are you...
00:53:48 Stop it. St...
00:53:51 Sorry, I'd better go and...
00:53:57 It's Julie. Julie Andrews.
00:54:00 Fly, my Romeo, fly.
00:54:05 He's coming down, he's coming down.
00:54:08 Oh!
00:54:11 - Archie, look!
00:54:14 My lovebirds.
00:54:18 That's beautiful.
00:54:26 Oh, Archie.
00:54:53 Just put something on, please.
00:54:55 I'm not gonna get dressed
00:54:58 - I'll have to go somewhere else.
00:55:01 When I go to her house,
00:55:04 - Tubsy, darling.
00:55:06 - How are you, sweetheart?
00:55:10 I'm fine. What have they done to you, then?
00:55:13 - Oh, it's quite nice.
00:55:16 Sweetheart, you're looking thinner.
00:55:20 Right. Well, I've had a long day,
00:55:25 There you are, sweetie.
00:55:27 - Hello.
00:55:29 Mrs. Roberts. Well, I suppose now
00:55:35 - Erm...
00:55:38 Oh, my God.
00:55:41 Look at them.
00:55:44 - That is ridiculous.
00:55:46 That is absolutely ridiculous.
00:55:55 'Ere, move over.
00:55:59 You ready, Mum?
00:56:08 See, I don't know where Matt's coming from.
00:56:13 - Five, six, seven, eight, go.
00:56:26 Lower the arm.
00:56:32 - God.
00:56:34 Oh, no, I don't believe...
00:56:37 How come he knew about it? Who's been
00:56:41 - Well, Matt obviously knew about it.
00:56:45 You all right? Don't get upset, Mum, don't
00:56:50 All right, Dave?
00:56:53 You never said.
00:56:55 I wasn't sure if he was gonna come,
00:56:59 Well, it would have been nice if you could
00:57:03 - Sorry.
00:57:05 - Yeah.
00:57:07 Five, six, seven, eight.
00:57:11 - Up, two, three...
00:57:13 One, two, three, four!
00:57:17 And run. Good, very good. Perfect.
00:57:20 Five, six, seven, eight.
00:57:25 - One, two...
00:57:27 - Keep going!
00:57:29 - He's too close to me.
00:57:33 - For God's sake, Dave, do me a favor.
00:57:38 - I'm trying my best.
00:57:42 - You punch me in the back of the head.
00:57:45 - Pushing me.
00:57:47 And if you're not pushing me,
00:57:51 Chris, there's only a little bit of room.
00:57:54 All right. What I'm saying is, he's standing
00:57:59 - It's very hard.
00:58:02 - We've all got to try...
00:58:11 And...
00:58:15 - Hi.
00:58:17 What's happened?
00:58:20 The nose job. The nose job.
00:58:24 - It's next week!
00:58:26 - It's gonna be fine.
00:58:29 We're not worried about this any more.
00:58:34 Right. Cliff Richard?
00:58:36 - Very possibly.
00:58:39 He's out of the country,
00:58:42 and if not he's got somebody he'll send
00:58:46 - So that's...
00:58:48 - We've got you a big ball.
00:58:50 - It's arriving on the day.
00:58:52 - It's £1,000 a day.
00:58:56 - Six.
00:58:59 Choreographer?
00:59:00 We're still talking to her,
00:59:03 It's just that we've got so many weddings...
00:59:06 If we can get a shape, right?
00:59:09 We haven't really got the budget
00:59:12 Listen to me. If we can get a shape to it,
00:59:17 we're talking to her, we can get her in,
00:59:21 She's busy with 42 dancers
00:59:23 She is the choreographer,
00:59:26 - Choreographs.
00:59:28 And provides ideas.
00:59:29 - Yes, but...
00:59:31 No, no, that's what couples do
00:59:34 - We have given our ideas!
00:59:37 - We gave you ideas.
00:59:40 we wanted you to arrive at a net,
00:59:43 - and everything was thrown out.
00:59:47 We came to you at your club and said:
00:59:50 "Entrance of ball boys
00:59:53 It's not our fault that you don't
00:59:56 who can do these things for you.
00:59:58 - Fuck you!
01:00:00 - No, we have friends!
01:00:03 Fuck off about the friends.
01:00:06 - Of course it is. On the day, we need people...
01:00:10 Her family are from Canada.
01:00:13 We can't afford it cos we've
01:00:22 Thanks very much.
01:00:27 Oh, Arch, come on, don't be silly.
01:00:30 - I'm sorry.
01:00:35 I don't like him shouting...
01:00:38 Oh, come here. Come here.
01:00:40 You silly sausage. Silly sausage.
01:00:44 It's not your fault though.
01:00:51 Come on, my big bear.
01:00:55 Don't be silly.
01:01:01 Oh, they're coming back.
01:01:06 Why not?
01:01:08 Don't be stupid.
01:01:12 Don't be silly.
01:01:20 - I'm sorry.
01:01:27 I just wonder how long
01:01:33 Before she, um...
01:01:37 You know. Especially if we don't win the
01:01:41 I'm at the end of my tennis career, and...
01:01:45 - OK.
01:01:48 and I don't know whether,
01:01:52 she'll still want to be married,
01:01:55 you know, if I haven't
01:02:00 or, you know,
01:02:03 They're under huge pressure,
01:02:08 to sort of have the perfect wedding,
01:02:13 So it's natural that they should
01:02:16 You know, if we don't like it,
01:02:23 - You're tired, aren't you?
01:02:26 - You're just tired. He's just tired.
01:02:33 Tell Mr. Rusedski to ring me,
01:02:36 The wedding's really soon.
01:02:40 Josef Worrell, you have my number.
01:02:57 Do you like it?
01:03:02 Yeah.
01:03:03 - You don't.
01:03:06 Why are you crying? Don't cry.
01:03:08 - It's good?
01:03:12 It's OK. I like it. I love it.
01:03:13 - You do?
01:03:15 - It's just a bit of a shock.
01:03:18 - OK.
01:03:32 Hey. You look gorgeous.
01:03:34 - All right?
01:03:37 Terribly exciting, isn't it?
01:03:42 How can that nose go on a front cover?
01:03:44 I didn't say it specifically,
01:03:48 Well, it wasn't, was it?
01:03:49 - It's ever so subtle.
01:03:51 - It's out here.
01:03:53 It looks like it's been broken and then reset.
01:03:56 Is that the mother over there?
01:04:01 - She's not going to be naked, is she?
01:04:04 No one wants to see that.
01:04:05 - Who's that?
01:04:08 Sister of who?
01:04:10 - Really?
01:04:12 - Are you insisting that they wear clothes?
01:04:16 I too. I couldn't agree with you more.
01:04:23 Thanks.
01:04:24 "Looking at the view"?
01:04:27 - Mum!
01:04:29 Do you think Jen would be that cheap
01:04:33 - Mum, excuse me, we was talking.
01:04:36 This is my little girl here.
01:04:38 I can assure you, sir,
01:04:43 - Er, so, here's to a wonderful day.
01:04:47 Cheers!
01:05:13 Oh, look, look.
01:05:19 No, but it's good. It's good.
01:05:22 It's lovely, it's lovely.
01:05:25 - Start getting ready now.
01:05:28 - All right.
01:05:30 I know. They need to come out,
01:05:38 - Is everybody all right?
01:05:40 - OK, I think a few people have disappeared.
01:05:45 Please just make it a loo run
01:05:49 - You look absolutely fabulous. Smashing.
01:05:53 - So do you.
01:05:54 Can't say I hope you win, cos I don't.
01:05:59 - Yeah, I hope yours goes well. Really do.
01:06:02 Is everything all right? No panic?
01:06:04 - No. It's lovely.
01:06:06 - I'm worried...
01:06:09 - I just don't know if I can do it, I mean...
01:06:12 - Just cos of the singing...
01:06:15 Sam, listen to me. Listen to me. Breathe.
01:06:18 - Your singing is...
01:06:21 - Sam, do you want me to come?
01:06:23 - Sam?
01:06:27 - OK.
01:06:30 If it's something different,
01:06:33 "Well, I haven't seen this before." That's not...
01:06:38 If you hate it, step back and say,
01:06:43 Just popped by to say, on behalf of Confetti
01:06:49 - Thanks.
01:06:53 - Thank you. That's very nice.
01:06:56 lf, erm... Yes, if you keep your clothes on.
01:07:00 See you later.
01:07:04 What I'm about to say now
01:07:08 But you know you're sort of
01:07:10 It's just, like, there's a line,
01:07:14 If you want to change it...
01:07:17 But I know you're a perfectionist,
01:07:20 - Cos you're a perfectionist...
01:07:24 - I've fake tanned it, I've just, like, done it...
01:07:28 Yeah, but you don't get brown palms when
01:07:32 But not everyone
01:07:35 Cos I mean, like, there's a sort of brown,
01:07:38 We have to win. We have to win.
01:07:40 So we will win. We will win. Come on, Josef.
01:07:45 Come on. Do you want to go through it?
01:07:47 Wha...
01:07:50 - What if we lose?
01:07:52 - Why? How do we know?
01:07:54 We are winners. We're gonna win this.
01:07:57 They'll kill us out there.
01:08:00 I'm sure you'll all agree with me
01:08:04 and we at Confetti magazine are committed
01:08:10 Today is about new and exciting weddings,
01:08:14 I know the couples are backstage now,
01:08:17 Do remember, the work is over now,
01:08:21 So just relax, take a breath,
01:08:27 Let's move on to our first wedding,
01:08:31 You can probably guess the theme.
01:08:35 Josef and Isabelle.
01:08:51 Welcome to Wimbledon
01:08:58 There's a palpable sense of excitement
01:09:02 A real buzz around center court.
01:09:09 This really does promise
01:09:26 Oh, and here they are! Here they come!
01:09:47 Aw!
01:09:59 - Who's going to call?
01:10:02 Heads.
01:10:05 - I'm sorry, it's tails.
01:10:07 Josef Cecil Worrell
01:10:18 Quiet, please.
01:10:20 Play.
01:10:22 I, Josef Cecil Worrell, know of no legal reason
01:10:26 why I may not be married
01:10:29 15-love.
01:10:31 I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
01:10:33 know of no legal reason why
01:10:36 15-all.
01:10:38 I, Josef Cecil Worrell,
01:10:42 to be my lawfully wedded wife.
01:10:44 30-15.
01:10:46 I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef
01:10:51 30-all. New balls, please.
01:10:58 Isabelle...
01:11:01 I've never won a tournament,
01:11:04 but I don't care, because I've won you.
01:11:09 40-30.
01:11:11 I know it's not been possible
01:11:16 but that doesn't matter, cos you're here,
01:11:21 Deuce.
01:11:23 Isabelle, I can't promise
01:11:27 but I can promise that I'll look after you,
01:11:41 Josef Cecil Worrell,
01:11:44 it gives me great pleasure to pronounce...
01:11:51 Well, what a shame.
01:11:55 Looks like a passing shower,
01:11:59 What's this? Someone's standing up.
01:12:03 It's Cliff Richard! Oh, my goodness.
01:12:07 He's going to sing!
01:12:55 Game, set, and match.
01:13:07 - You could try a bit harder.
01:13:12 I've had everybody telling us
01:13:16 I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed.
01:13:18 How do you think I feel?
01:13:20 Well, ladies and gentlemen,
01:13:23 and I think it really was,
01:13:27 and I can scarcely believe it,
01:13:29 This one's very interesting.
01:13:33 I've not seen anything yet, but I love the idea.
01:13:35 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:15:21 Oh, Tubs.
01:15:24 I vow to never make you cover up
01:15:28 You'll never need to shed your clothes
01:15:31 I won't ignore our differences,
01:15:34 One word for that is compromise,
01:15:38 They drove you mad, but do not fear,
01:15:43 Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,
01:15:48 You join the dots between the stars
01:15:52 You make two houses into one.
01:15:56 You're like an angel overhead,
01:16:01 Come live with me and be my love,
01:16:13 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:16:18 have exchanged head rings
01:16:22 the solemn moment has come for
01:16:27 If you'll please all stand.
01:16:36 I call upon these persons here present
01:16:40 I call upon these persons here present
01:16:45 do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts,
01:16:50 I call upon these persons here present
01:16:55 do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,
01:17:01 It gives me great pleasure to pronounce
01:17:27 Whoo-hoo!
01:17:34 Well, ladies and gentlemen,
01:17:39 And I think we can all... Well, let's raise
01:17:44 Michael and Joanna.
01:17:49 Listen, everyone, we're not going
01:17:53 we're just going to have fun, all right? None
01:17:57 - Well, I...
01:18:00 But do you know what? It doesn't matter.
01:18:03 When we went through it I got it all wrong,
01:18:06 Girls, girls, this is stage fright.
01:18:10 - I don't want to let you down.
01:18:13 This is going to be fabulous.
01:18:17 For once in your life, Jen, I think you're right.
01:18:19 I want you to give the warm
01:18:23 to our final couple. It is Matt and Sam.
01:18:27 Right! Yeah!
01:18:30 - I love you.
01:20:19 How are you two?
01:20:24 Marriage,
01:20:27 is the union of one man and one woman,
01:20:30 voluntarily entered into for life,
01:20:37 Now, ladies and gentlemen,
01:20:38 Matthew and Samantha
01:20:42 through the medium of song.
01:24:27 Once again, thank you so much
01:24:30 It's been so wonderful for us,
01:24:33 to open up your most precious day to
01:24:41 Smile, look like we're winners. They
01:24:45 Right. First off, let's go through
01:24:50 The judge in the green suit seems to be a fan.
01:24:53 - He was lovely, wasn't he?
01:24:56 - Just wanted to say congratulations.
01:24:59 - Good luck.
01:25:02 Yeah.
01:25:03 - We'll have a drink later.
01:25:06 They are so two-faced.
01:25:08 Think about innovation.
01:25:11 - Well, let's all put down a score.
01:25:16 - You look so beautiful. You absolutely do.
01:25:20 You've got a great body.
01:25:25 - They know they've won, that's why...
01:25:29 They have not necessarily won.
01:25:34 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:25:37 The judging panel have reached a verdict.
01:25:41 And Vivien, the editor of the magazine,
01:25:44 and it would be churlish not to let her do
01:25:49 So, Vivien, over to you.
01:25:52 OK. And the winner is...
01:26:02 Yes!
01:26:04 Matt and Sam!
01:26:46 Fix! It's a fix!
01:26:48 - No, I think not really the time...
01:26:51 Josef, it is not the time. Don't be a bad loser.
01:26:54 - It's a fix.
01:26:57 - Donkey! Bring it on.
01:27:01 I object to that in the strongest possible
01:27:05 Round of applause for Matt and Sam.
01:27:11 Now, I've got the key, I've got the key
01:27:15 for Matt and Sam, our winners,
01:28:44 Since that competition, I've trusted
01:28:48 Because you have an idea like that,
01:28:52 you think, "Well, just trust
01:28:56 So what I've done is take some of the profit
01:29:01 and I've invested it in music.
01:29:04 Not just a couple of CDs.
01:29:07 And, you know, doing some A&R.
01:29:20 Oh, please, God, you know,
01:29:24 They've told us, haven't they, not to worry.
01:29:28 But of course you never actually can believe
01:29:33 - So, we're keeping our fingers crossed.
01:29:43 I would say to anyone
01:29:45 if you are doing it for the reason
01:29:53 I went into a bit of a decline
01:29:57 - Post-nuptial depression.
01:30:00 Hit him pretty hard.
01:30:01 - But we're over that. I'm coaching.
01:30:06 The forehand is this, there, there, there.
01:30:10 We're thinking
01:30:12 Who knows what, er...
01:30:16 nose they'll... get.
01:30:36 Mainly, we've just sort of found out
01:30:38 that the only people we really need
01:30:42 We don't call ourselves naturists any more.
01:30:45 - Well, I call myself Michael.
01:30:48 - And, er, yeah. That seems to work better.
01:31:02 - Erm...
01:31:05 - Are you... Are you really doing this?
01:31:09 Er, Gregory Hough, erm... I...
01:31:12 Will you marry me?
01:31:17 Is that the right hand?
01:31:19 It's actually...
01:31:28 One love.
01:31:30 Peace.
01:31:32 Don't stand around on the edges of other
01:31:36 and thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be nice if?"
01:31:41 So that's what we're doing.
01:31:44 Heron and Hough, your dreams are enough.
01:32:04 - You were great.
01:35:32 Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Burns