Dinner for Schmucks

en
00:00:50 ripped.& sync.by.gioni666
00:00:55 [The Beatles:
00:03:40 Poor Jacobson.
00:03:43 He took his stapler?
00:03:45 Still, you got to hand it to him...
00:03:49 That was his big mistake.
00:03:50 Always stay
00:03:52 It's the frontrunners
00:03:54 At least Jacobson made it up
00:03:58 [scoffing] It smells
00:04:00 That's the smell of dead dreams.
00:04:02 I go to the clubs at night
00:04:04 "Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"
00:04:07 Do you know how hard it is to get laid
00:04:11 NO! hard, but Still.
00:04:14 [man]
00:04:16 I wonder who's gonna get it?
00:04:17 You wonder who’s gonna
00:04:19 Jesus, Josh,
00:04:22 The guy just got fired.
00:04:28 - I’m gonna get that office.
00:04:31 You need that job. With that car you’re driving and that apartment?
00:04:35 You're overextended.
00:04:36 These opportunities
00:04:38 Right now, the window's open
00:04:42 You're gonna be my assistant.
00:04:46 You can't go lower.
00:04:49 Do you think Julie's
00:04:51 [chuckling]
00:04:53 - Don't mess this up.
00:04:56 - Good pep talk.
00:05:01 [dinging]
00:05:21 [man] The whole reason we bought
00:05:24 shed the workforce
00:05:26 But now, it's all contaminated
00:05:30 Nobody wants to touch it.
00:05:31 [scoffing] Americans are
00:05:35 They are. But the Russians
00:05:38 about this sort of thing.
00:05:40 I like it. Get two bids.
00:05:42 - OK, that makes sense.
00:05:45 hat our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties. I
00:05:49 Mr. Jacobson led us right to the edge,
00:05:54 As a consequence,
00:05:57 to make up for his mistakes.
00:06:02 - What are you doing?
00:06:06 An analyst...
00:06:08 ...has an idea.
00:06:10 - [people groaning]
00:06:12 - Sixth floor, stepping up. Nice!
00:06:19 - [all] Whoa!
00:06:21 It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments,
00:06:25 It's a company that made
00:06:28 Now they're sitting
00:06:30 that even the worst armies
00:06:32 All right,
00:06:34 Who's gonna buy the pieces?
00:06:35 Oh, no, we're not gonna
00:06:43 Wow. Novelty lamps. Great idea.
00:06:46 We could literally make
00:06:49 - [all chuckling]
00:06:52 Martin Mueller does.
00:06:56 When Martin isn’t busy running his family’s business into the ground,
00:06:59 he's either yachting
00:07:02 The business is going under,
00:07:06 Nearly half a billion.
00:07:08 I heard he was in town,
00:07:14 He loved the lamps.
00:07:16 He wants to sit down.
00:07:18 The lamps are really just a way
00:07:21 We're gonna lose money on them.
00:07:23 But we'll make millions
00:07:26 Mueller keeps his business.
00:07:30 - Everybody wins.
00:07:35 Caldwell, you want to lake
00:07:36 - Absolutely.
00:07:38 Actually, I was hoping
00:07:40 Oh...
00:07:43 - Uh, let me think... no.
00:07:51 [indistinct chatter]
00:07:53 You should've quit
00:07:57 [Josh] You know what they say".
00:08:00 - That went well.
00:08:06 Have you got a second?
00:08:15 Come in!
00:08:18 You can just set your
00:08:21 [chuckling]
00:08:23 You put on quite a show
00:08:33 Oh, that looks good on him,
00:08:35 Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson.
00:08:39 Nicer watch, nicer suit.
00:08:42 Hey, to the ballsiest guy
00:08:44 Not gonna be
00:08:48 Does that mean
00:08:50 Not yet. No, I wan! to get
00:08:54 I host a dinner once a month.
00:08:57 - Next one's on Saturday.
00:09:00 And it's top-secret.
00:09:03 What are we talking
00:09:06 Is it a human sacrifice
00:09:08 We're... collectors.
00:09:12 [chuckling]
00:09:15 I'll let the guys fill you in.
00:09:18 Some people collect
00:09:21 Some people collect fine wines.
00:09:25 - [Tim] People?
00:09:27 Each of us Ends
00:09:29 and invites them
00:09:31 We call it the "Dinner for Winners."
00:09:33 Here's the guy
00:09:36 There you go. Look at that.
00:09:38 The guy designed that suit.
00:09:45 - He took first prize.
00:09:48 You got it.
00:09:51 You invite idiots to dinner
00:09:54 Mm-hmm.
00:09:56 That's,,. messed up.
00:09:58 - [chuckling] I know, right?
00:10:01 Al the end of the night, Fender picks
00:10:04 and we release him
00:10:06 Yeah. No harm, no foul.
00:10:10 Just have a little subtlety
00:10:13 Fender's a connoisseur.
00:10:14 Yeah. Hey, and no mimes.
00:10:17 Jacobson brought a mime.
00:10:19 Exactly. And you don't see
00:10:21 [door opening, closing]
00:10:28 [exotic music playing]
00:10:36 [indistinct]
00:10:46 - Hey.
00:10:48 Congratulations.
00:10:49 So how did it go?
00:10:51 Oh, I'll tell you later.
00:10:53 I know, it's amazing.
00:10:56 That's incredible!
00:10:59 Except that I did another on of my name-fiasco thingies
00:11:03 Oh, God, What happened?
00:11:05 The director of the San Francisco MoMA
00:11:07 His name is Steve Doche.
00:11:10 And I thought that it
00:11:14 God. It's like the Ron Fuchs
00:11:17 It actually kind
00:11:19 And, uh, he's giving Kieran a solo show,
00:11:25 - [laughing]
00:11:27 You know, that is so like you!
00:11:30 and get your first
00:11:32 - [chuckling]
00:11:34 You’re stunning and you’re smart an you’re just awful with pronunciation.
00:11:38 - Hey!
00:11:41 - [laughing]
00:11:46 I love you.
00:11:48 I want to spend the rest
00:11:52 But remember when
00:11:53 and I said this is a big step,
00:11:56 maybe we should
00:11:59 Yeah?
00:12:01 - That was two days ago.
00:12:04 I just need a little bit of time.
00:12:07 All right.
00:12:10 Let's go.
00:12:12 - [exotic music continues]
00:12:15 So, where's the artiste?
00:12:17 I always try and create
00:12:20 Once a reviewer said
00:12:23 they said,
00:12:25 I said, "Good!
00:12:28 Sometimes I'll be working on a piece
00:12:32 So I will literally rub bull excrement
00:12:37 Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
00:12:41 Julie. [speaking in French]
00:12:43 [both speaking in French]
00:12:47 Kieran, you remember Tim?
00:12:50 - The stockbroker.
00:12:52 I, uh, I work for a private equity firm
00:12:55 that specializes in distressed assets.
00:12:57 So kind of a stockbroker.
00:13:00 Almost nothing like a stockbroker.
00:13:02 Do you mind if I just call you
00:13:04 That's the way I remember people.
00:13:09 Hey, so what do you think?
00:13:11 Oh! Really... tremendous work.
00:13:14 They're so big.
00:13:18 Come with me, Tim.
00:13:21 - Enjoy.
00:13:23 I have a little ranch...
00:13:26 if you actually measure it...
00:13:28 where I go to disappear,
00:13:31 One of my zebras was in labor.
00:13:35 The foal was in breech.
00:13:38 I just said, "Stuff it."
00:13:39 And I just thrust my hand in,
00:13:43 - Wow.
00:13:46 Tim, to be up to your elbow...
00:13:51 And feel life?
00:13:57 No, I don't.
00:13:58 You should try it, Tim.
00:14:00 Yeah, I'm OK.
00:14:02 She let me keep the afterbirth
00:14:05 Oh, wow, that's disgusting.
00:14:10 Poppycock. You've been
00:14:13 Oh, wow.
00:14:17 [Kieran]
00:14:19 I guess it kind of makes me, um...
00:14:22 ...think of your penis.
00:14:25 Then you get it.
00:14:29 Julie gets it.
00:14:33 Hi, I need you to talk
00:14:36 See you in a bit.
00:14:39 [Julie laughing]
00:14:40 [Tim, mocking]
00:14:42 to have your entire head
00:14:46 - [laughing]
00:14:48 OK, so you're just completely
00:14:54 He looks good in a pair of hooves.
00:14:57 [chuckles]
00:14:58 So, you gonna tell me
00:15:01 I think I might've
00:15:03 Really? Oh, my God, that's amazing.
00:15:06 - Well...
00:15:08 All right, well, it’s not official yet.
00:15:10 - There's this dinner.
00:15:13 - it's, uh, Saturday.
00:15:16 No, it's not really
00:15:19 It's really the guys
00:15:21 - And we have to bring a person.
00:15:24 A... person with a skill
00:15:30 Are you talking about strippers, here?
00:15:32 Oh, no, no.
00:15:35 We have to, uh, bring an idiot
00:15:41 - OK, that is messed up.
00:15:45 - I know.
00:15:49 Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.
00:15:51 [Tim] Tell Fender that
00:15:54 Tell him that my back thing is acting up
00:15:55 and I have to stay in bed
00:15:58 Why don't I just tell him
00:16:00 [woman] Tim, I can't stay
00:16:03 These people are pathetic!
00:16:06 Happy Birthday, Carol.
00:16:08 Why can? you just suck it up,
00:16:09 make fun of some idiots and
00:16:13 Susana, I know this is painful for you,
00:16:15 but sometimes in life
00:16:17 Just lie. lt's not that hard.
00:16:22 - oh!
00:16:26 - [horn honking]
00:16:28 Jesus Christ!
00:16:31 - [horns honking]
00:16:33 [groaning] Yeah, I'm OK.
00:16:37 - Is that a Porsche?
00:16:39 Oh, wow. I have been hit
00:16:42 - Never a Porsche.
00:16:45 - Barry Speck.
00:16:48 Are you sure you're OK? I didn't
00:16:51 Oh, well, I saw this little guy in
00:16:56 - Uh, I think i!'s dead.
00:17:00 A couple more seconds,
00:17:01 Nice pelt, though.
00:17:04 - Ready?
00:17:06 Uh, I hope those aren't
00:17:09 [sighing] No. I would rather
00:17:12 All right, I get it.
00:17:15 You said you were fine, but...
00:17:17 What would it take
00:17:23 Five.
00:17:25 - Oh.
00:17:28 I don't...
00:17:30 - Ten dollars.
00:17:33 How much do you want?
00:17:37 - 100 dollars.
00:17:39 - 500 dollars.
00:17:42 - All right...
00:17:46 Ten thousand!
00:17:50 OK, I'll take
00:17:53 [breathing heavily]
00:17:57 I don't have ten thousand dollars.
00:18:01 You know what?
00:18:04 - Really?
00:18:07 As long as you're OK.
00:18:08 - Oh, you're a good person.
00:18:10 - Oh...
00:18:12 - You are. You're a good person.
00:18:14 No, you are.
00:18:16 All right, well, as long as you're OK,
00:18:17 - that's OK.
00:18:19 - Yeah. You take care.
00:18:23 I won't forget this.
00:18:25 - Oh, you dropped your...
00:18:29 I know. Mouseterpieoes.
00:18:34 - That's the Mona Lisa.
00:18:37 - [chuckling] Mouse-a-Lisa...
00:18:40 Found her on the 405.
00:18:44 but the head, perfect.
00:18:46 Oh, that's Cubism,
00:18:50 We!I, it doesn't look easy.
00:18:52 I like her. I love the tail.
00:18:56 - Check that out. You like them?
00:19:01 Mm. So is he.
00:19:04 'Cause he's screaming.
00:19:06 I was stopping by the store today
00:19:10 You know, wanted to ill the guys in
00:19:13 Oh, hey, you know what? I have some
00:19:16 Where did they...?
00:19:18 Come here!
00:19:22 Hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:19:25 OK...
00:19:27 - All right...
00:19:29 Hold on, hold on, hold on...
00:19:33 Go ahead.
00:19:38 [Tim} Wow. Incredible.
00:19:43 Does that guy look
00:19:46 I'll give you a hint.
00:19:50 - ls it Jesus?
00:19:51 - You know your stuff!
00:19:54 Yeah. Well, it's a hobby.
00:19:57 ...I'm sort of giving them
00:20:00 In the words of John Lennon,
00:20:02 "You may say I'm a dreamer,
00:20:07 "The only one"
00:20:08 The only what?
00:20:10 No, that's the lyric.
00:20:12 "You may say I'm a dreamer,
00:20:14 Oh... OK, Tim.
00:20:20 You know, Barry, this was a very
00:20:22 but I think everything
00:20:24 Whoa, whoa.
00:20:26 - Yeah.
00:20:28 "Everything happens
00:20:33 Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow night,
00:20:36 Are you? That's incredible.
00:20:40 I was wondering,
00:20:43 - You shitting me?
00:20:47 Say that your girlfriend
00:20:49 and she convinces you
00:20:51 Then one day, you're grilling up
00:20:55 a chicken comes up, plucks itself,
00:20:59 and flings itself on the grill.
00:21:01 That's God
00:21:03 Yeah, that chicken wants to die.
00:21:05 No. God wants us
00:21:09 - And he sent his only son to tell me.
00:21:13 Come with me, my children,
00:21:16 [mimicking a choir singing]
00:21:20 Tim! I'd like you to meet
00:21:25 Of course! What a pleasure
00:21:28 [thick accent] Mr. Conrad!
00:21:30 - That's... yeah!
00:21:32 Yes, Tim was really helpful when
00:21:36 [Fender] And we'd been discussing
00:21:38 That's a conversation I'm very much
00:21:41 - Well, I'm glad we could do this.
00:21:45 Congratulations on your new Matisse.
00:21:47 - it's beautiful.
00:21:50 My wife is a true collector.
00:21:54 Well, to the victor go the spoils.
00:21:57 You know my family crest.
00:22:02 - Ad Victorem Spolias.
00:22:08 - Well, shall we?
00:22:12 Join us.
00:22:19 So you follow the art world,
00:22:22 I try to. My girlfriend runs
00:22:26 I would love to meet her.
00:22:30 They can speak about beauty.
00:22:33 - [elevator dinging]
00:22:35 [Fender] I'll have my assistant
00:22:38 [Mueller speaks German]
00:22:47 OK, what the hell just happened?
00:22:50 - You're still just an analyst...
00:22:53 I didn't know it was going
00:22:55 Tim's the only one here who isn't
00:22:58 Wh...?
00:23:00 This guy wants to invest $100 million,
00:23:02 Don't mess it up.
00:23:07 Well, the sixth floor steps up.
00:23:11 - Excuse me.
00:23:12 Hey, rooting for you, buddy.
00:23:15 Good luck.
00:23:18 My girlfriends not a hooker.
00:23:20 She tried to give me a BJ.
00:23:22 If she didn't ask for money,
00:23:25 She asked me for money.
00:23:28 I still had a ton of singles left over
00:23:32 Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?
00:23:35 [romantic music playing]
00:23:40 - Oh, hey, honey.
00:23:42 Glad you're still here. Look,
00:23:46 Why?
00:23:49 How'd you like to have brunch
00:23:52 - OK.
00:23:54 and he's got a lot of money.
00:23:56 - I need you. This is huge.
00:23:59 - Mmm.
00:24:01 - What's this?
00:24:07 What is this?
00:24:10 Oh, uh, that's a...
00:24:13 ...it's a mouse
00:24:15 Mm-hmm.
00:24:17 This guy that I ran into today,
00:24:19 He's amazing.
00:24:23 Really?
00:24:27 No.
00:24:28 [sputtering]
00:24:31 Wham? Hey, come on.
00:24:33 No, not when you're lying to me.
00:24:34 - Julie, Fender invited me.
00:24:37 Fender, as in Fender Financial?
00:24:40 The you I know
00:24:43 The me that you know did say no.
00:24:46 But the me you don't know
00:24:49 - The you I don't know?
00:24:51 Look, there's you
00:24:53 And we love each other
00:24:56 But then there's the me
00:24:58 The me you don't know has
00:25:02 and the me that you know can
00:25:05 and eat at nice restaurants
00:25:08 - He takes care of us.
00:25:10 There should not be
00:25:12 But there is.
00:25:14 I don't like him.
00:25:17 - It's like the CIA.
00:25:19 Mm-hmm. The CIA does some pretty
00:25:23 but I, for one,
00:25:25 The CIA doesn't
00:25:27 - to make fun of them.
00:25:31 And I'm getting raked over the coals
00:25:34 Can I just ask you something?
00:25:36 Is there any you I don't know
00:25:39 I'd love to talk to him right now.
00:25:44 Julie, come on. Julie!
00:25:45 [scoffing, muttering indistinctly]
00:25:47 - Julie!
00:25:49 Julie, where are you going?
00:25:51 I... I have to go meet Kieran
00:25:54 Julie, please come out
00:25:55 All right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:25:57 I'll call him and tell him
00:25:59 - I want to believe you.
00:26:02 - I'll never see that guy in my life.
00:26:04 I promise.
00:26:06 Oh, my...
00:26:09 - In a few hours.
00:26:10 I think we need to cool off.
00:26:12 - Gosh, I hate when that happens.
00:26:14 - Just give ourselves a moment...
00:26:17 I feel like I'm in The Shining.
00:26:20 - [yelling] Ow!
00:26:23 You are welcome.
00:26:25 Oh, God. My back, my back, my back.
00:26:28 - Is it your back?
00:26:30 What the hell are you doing here?
00:26:32 Well, I went to the address
00:26:33 Nobody was there.
00:26:35 Are we having this dinner or not?
00:26:38 [groaning] Ow...
00:26:40 Shh...
00:26:43 Au right.
00:26:46 [exhaling]
00:26:47 - What are you doing?
00:26:50 Barry, please stop doing that.
00:26:54 [groaning]
00:26:56 - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:26:58 - Barry, stop!
00:27:00 - And I am alive.
00:27:03 - Oh, God!
00:27:06 - [cracking noises]
00:27:07 Wow, look at that face!
00:27:08 - Stop it!
00:27:10 [groaning]
00:27:12 I hope this doesn't mess up dinner.
00:27:14 We're not having dinner tonight.
00:27:16 - it's tomorrow,
00:27:19 Barry, I made the plans.
00:27:21 I know when it is.
00:27:24 - I'm pretty sure it's tonight.
00:27:26 OK. All right.
00:27:29 [keypad beeping]
00:27:31 [cell phone ringing]
00:27:34 Great. She left her phone here.
00:27:37 You know what they say:
00:27:41 - You said that.
00:27:45 I am really, really looking forward
00:27:48 But right now,
00:27:53 And the reason is...'?
00:27:57 Because I got in a right
00:27:59 and because I'd like to be here
00:28:03 What if she doesn't come back?
00:28:05 She's coming back.
00:28:09 [groaning]
00:28:11 Hey, we are gonna
00:28:14 I think I know someone
00:28:20 Remember this guy from the street?
00:28:25 Barry, that was a dead mouse in the road
00:28:27 a couple of hours ago.
00:28:30 It's like looking
00:28:31 - [chuckling]
00:28:33 - it's amazing.
00:28:35 Barry, I have
00:28:39 If you could just help me
00:28:42 - Sure.
00:28:44 very slowly and carefully.
00:28:46 - Mm-hmm.
00:28:48 - Three!
00:28:52 [groaning]
00:28:54 - All you.
00:28:58 [grunting]
00:29:03 - Now, I... If I could just...
00:29:08 You can do it. You got it!
00:29:09 - [grunting]
00:29:11 - [groaning]
00:29:12 - You got this! I'll help!
00:29:15 - All right.
00:29:17 - [grunting]
00:29:21 [yelling]
00:29:23 [computer beeping]
00:30:03 [gasping]
00:30:29 What are you doing?
00:30:32 - What are you doing?
00:30:35 Oh, my God!
00:30:38 She's very concerned about you.
00:30:41 Barry, this woman is a nightmare.
00:30:43 She's been stalking me
00:30:46 I slept with her one night,
00:30:49 It was before I even met Julie.
00:30:51 - Why did you do that?
00:30:54 and I was drunk and she was wearing
00:30:56 You want me to tell her not to come?
00:31:01 Go. Go.
00:31:03 Come to dinner tomorrow
00:31:06 Come on! Go, go!
00:31:09 Oh, my God, what have you done?
00:31:11 I'm gonna make it up to you.
00:31:34 - [elevator dinging]
00:31:43 - [panting] OK!
00:31:44 OK!
00:31:46 Oh, well, well, well.
00:31:47 If it isn't little miss panty bottom.
00:31:50 - I'm sorry, who are you?
00:31:53 - Yeah, I don't know you.
00:31:55 So you know everything about Tim?
00:31:57 You are the world's greatest
00:32:02 Did Tim invite you
00:32:04 According to him,
00:32:06 Right. You want my advice?
00:32:10 - Don't go.
00:32:14 Do not wear fishnets on New Years Eve.
00:32:17 It's too cold. When the wind blows,
00:32:21 You know what? I really need to...
00:32:22 Now, Darla, Darla, come on...
00:32:25 - Darla?
00:32:27 Really? What did
00:32:31 [quietly] Told me about the sex.
00:32:34 The Sex?
00:32:36 The dirty, dirty sex.
00:32:38 But he lives
00:32:40 and if she comes home
00:32:42 You can imagine
00:32:44 Yeah, I imagine
00:32:48 I gotta nip this in the bud.
00:32:51 You tell your friend, Tim,
00:32:53 You tell him he can kiss my ass.
00:32:55 - Oh, don't have to. We have a picture.
00:32:57 [knocking at door]
00:33:00 Problem solved. l intercepted
00:33:05 - Darla showed up?
00:33:07 - And you got her to leave?
00:33:09 you're ever gonna see her again.
00:33:13 Wow! Who is that?
00:33:16 Kieran Vollard. He's an artist.
00:33:19 Very attractive man. He can it
00:33:23 Sort of an animal magnetism
00:33:25 That's what Julie says.
00:33:28 "For Julie.
00:33:32 Everything?
00:33:33 Yeah, she curated his show.
00:33:36 Hmm... Bet that's not all she curated.
00:33:39 I don't know what that means,
00:33:41 Well, I don't know
00:33:44 Where is she?
00:33:47 Working.
00:33:50 Probably with Kieran.
00:33:52 Where? In his bed?
00:33:56 I seriously doubt they're
00:33:58 Well, if they're not working,
00:34:01 Oh, Tim, you need to call
00:34:05 I'm not doing that.
00:34:06 L!'s the only way
00:34:08 - I'm not calling.
00:34:10 No, I'm not gonna call Kieran and say
00:34:13 - Do it. Do it.
00:34:15 - All right, I will.
00:34:18 - for calling him?
00:34:21 I want to make a documentary.
00:34:24 and then he starts feeling more
00:34:27 - [grunting]
00:34:29 We're talking about his
00:34:31 ...Julie's name pops up
00:34:35 - Yeah.
00:34:38 Well, that sounds like
00:34:40 [Barry] What's his number?
00:34:43 -One-1-1...1-1...
00:34:46 - [buttons beeping]
00:34:48 - One-1 -1
00:34:50 - One-1
00:34:51 - One-1.
00:34:54 [inhaling, exhaling]
00:34:58 [rapid beeping]
00:34:59 He must've changed his number.
00:35:02 Uh... Oh, well. We tried.
00:35:06 There he is. Kieran Vollard.
00:35:08 - Don't! Don't!
00:35:11 - I'm serious. Don't call him.
00:35:13 - [ringing tone]
00:35:15 Hang up the phone!
00:35:17 I'm gonna do an accent.
00:35:18 Don't do an accent.
00:35:21 [Kieran] Hello?
00:35:22 [bad British accent] Hello!
00:35:24 This is Nigel!
00:35:27 I'm a documentary filmmaker
00:35:29 -from London," England.
00:35:32 May I speak to Kieran Vollard,
00:35:34 [Kieran] This is Kieran.
00:35:36 - Ah, Kieran.
00:35:37 I want to make
00:35:41 [woman giggling on phone]
00:35:42 [Kieran whispering] Start the water,
00:35:44 Yeah, I could do an interview
00:35:46 Smashing! Champagne wishes
00:35:50 I will have my man-servant
00:35:52 That sounded like Julie's laugh.
00:35:54 [93$Pi"'9]
00:35:57 - I'm going over there.
00:36:00 - Ow!
00:36:04 - [grinding noises]
00:36:05 - [grinding]
00:36:07 You can’t just shift.
00:36:10 - Oh, God,
00:36:14 OK, hold on. I'll get it.
00:36:22 [grunting]
00:36:24 - OK.
00:36:26 - [groaning]
00:36:33 [Barry] She's gotta be in there.
00:36:36 Just need to get her attention.
00:36:38 - [hooting]
00:36:40 [keys hitting floor inside]
00:36:42 - Those were my car keys, weren't they?
00:36:51 [Tim groaning]
00:36:56 [Tim moaning] Oh, God.
00:37:03 Here we go. Let's do this thing.
00:37:05 [whispering]
00:37:07 - Just get the keys and come back!
00:37:10 - [phone ringing]
00:37:12 [mouthing words]
00:37:13 [phone ringing]
00:37:17 I am inside the apartment.
00:37:18 I know. I want you
00:37:20 Get the keys
00:37:21 Oh, Tim, I wish you could see
00:37:24 [Barry] I thought you had
00:37:26 This, my friend...
00:37:33 He's friends with Morgan Freeman.
00:37:36 Please get the hell out of there.
00:37:43 He's coming!
00:38:01 [drumming bongos]
00:38:10 [grunting]
00:38:22 [meows]
00:38:23 - Cat got the Tim mouse!
00:38:26 Come on!
00:38:28 Get the keys
00:38:30 - Forget the mouse!
00:38:33 - [growling]
00:38:43 [meowing voice] Thank you.
00:38:44 [whispering] Hey! He's OK!
00:38:46 - [drumming stops]
00:38:48 [rattling, shattering]
00:39:03 [woman] Kieran, I'm ready.
00:39:05 [Kieran speaking in French]
00:39:09 Barry!
00:39:11 Mm] Barry]
00:39:12 [gasping]
00:39:16 - Julie's here.
00:39:21 [groaning]
00:39:22 - [Kieran moaning] On, yes...
00:39:25 [whispering] Sounds like
00:39:26 - [jungle birds crying out]
00:39:30 [woman mimicking bird caw]
00:39:33 [camera clicking]
00:39:34 I'm having trouble describing
00:39:36 [Kieran] Fly, fly...
00:39:40 [jungle sounds turn into music]
00:39:42 Yes! Primordial...
00:39:53 [woman] Hello.
00:39:55 -Who are you?
00:39:57 - [music, jungle noises stop]
00:40:01 He's a stockbroker,
00:40:03 - Tim, can I help you?
00:40:07 [bad British accent]
00:40:08 - I'm here doing a documentary!
00:40:12 My name's not Barry!
00:40:17 Tim... has Julie left you?
00:40:20 Oh, Tim. I was always very
00:40:25 [sighing] You must be broken.
00:40:28 Stop...
00:40:29 I have to say, though, Tim,
00:40:31 Really?
00:40:32 There's not a lot of monogamy
00:40:34 Not many animals mate for life.
00:40:37 I've spent a lot of time with penguins,
00:40:40 And maybe you're a penguin,
00:40:43 She's a lioness. Don't try to mate
00:40:48 Ever. Have you ever seen
00:40:53 I've never even heard of that.
00:40:55 Is that right?
00:40:58 'Cause I don't think you're her type.
00:41:00 Maybe. But I have something.
00:41:04 Something that women respond to.
00:41:06 That's true.
00:41:09 - [whispering] Tim doesn't get it.
00:41:12 Listen to your friend.
00:41:14 Am I gonna make love
00:41:17 Hell, yes! Guilty.
00:41:20 But only because
00:41:22 Your "process?"
00:41:24 There are two things
00:41:26 Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...
00:41:32 ...and death.
00:41:35 Horrible, boring death.
00:41:39 Now, I'm gonna go off and have
00:41:41 Before I die.
00:41:43 - Go ahead.
00:41:47 But don't look at me in the eye.
00:41:49 - What?
00:41:52 Good to see ya, Tim,
00:41:59 I wanna grow a beard.
00:42:01 [women resume
00:42:03 I know you're set on a documentary,
00:42:06 Charlize Theron plays Julie.
00:42:10 I don't know.
00:42:12 - [grunting]
00:42:14 - [cracking noise]
00:42:17 - Oh, my God.
00:42:19 Oh, my God!
00:42:22 [chuckling]
00:42:23 A human back and a rodent back
00:42:28 - Thank you.
00:42:30 Now, go.
00:42:32 - What about dinner?
00:42:35 Tomorrow.
00:42:37 - That's interesting.
00:42:40 You say you're over Darla and yet you
00:42:43 How does Julie feel about that?
00:42:48 That is Julie.
00:42:50 Hmm?
00:42:53 Barry, is that the woman
00:42:58 Hmm... [mutters]
00:43:01 Well...
00:43:04 She has the same face.
00:43:06 - [sighing]
00:43:08 I'll get the door.
00:43:12 Where's Tim?
00:43:17 - Oh, God.
00:43:21 You blew it with Julie.
00:43:24 Just like you blew it with me.
00:43:26 Poor Mme Timmy.
00:43:28 - [mouthing words]
00:43:30 And you'll never have me again.
00:43:33 - Let's go.
00:43:36 - I'm not," Oh, stop it.
00:43:38 Please, stop hurting me.
00:43:40 - I'm not even touching you.
00:43:44 Huh? You know, some day,
00:43:51 Ugh...
00:43:53 All right, go, go!
00:43:56 - Ow! Ah! Ow!
00:43:58 - You're very cruel, Tim.
00:44:01 - Hello.
00:44:04 Barry, his name's Barry.
00:44:07 Wanna watch while I screw
00:44:09 I can honestly
00:44:11 Oh, really?
00:44:14 So, do you guys wanna get pizza?
00:44:16 [groaning]
00:44:18 Wanna lick cheese
00:44:20 - [phone ringing]
00:44:23 - Hello?
00:44:25 I just met your friend earlier.
00:44:26 He told me some pretty
00:44:28 - about this woman.
00:44:30 - [Barry giggling]
00:44:32 Oh, wow, you're
00:44:34 - ...talked about sex...
00:44:37 What exactly did he say?
00:44:38 Can you just tell me?
00:44:40 lt's not a difficult question to answer!
00:44:42 - Hello? Are you cheating on me?
00:44:46 Tim! I don't know why it's
00:44:48 Julie! You're crazy to think
00:44:51 That's insane!
00:44:54 - Julie!
00:44:57 You have no right! Ow!
00:44:59 No right? Huh?
00:45:02 - You're a crazy person.
00:45:03 [banging on door] Hey, Tim?
00:45:07 - Tim?
00:45:10 [Darla] Tim? Timmy Tim?
00:45:13 What do you say?
00:45:16 OK!
00:45:17 I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!
00:45:21 You look a little old
00:45:23 [loudly] I need to be punished.
00:45:25 - Hey, Naomi, how you doing? It's Tim.
00:45:27 I'm wondering if you've
00:45:29 Don't you wanna
00:45:32 I'm really not qualified.
00:45:34 - [Tim] No, no, no...
00:45:36 - No, all the time. I work...
00:45:39 You work for the IRS
00:45:44 [loudly] ...very bad.
00:45:46 - [Darla continues loudly]
00:45:48 - No?
00:45:52 Well, that's really
00:45:54 You probably just have to pay
00:45:57 - [Tim talking indistinctly on phone]
00:45:59 - I need you to spank me real hard.
00:46:01 [yelling] Spank me hard, Barry!
00:46:04 - [slapping sounds] Barry!
00:46:06 [squealing] Ow!
00:46:07 [giggling] Ow!
00:46:09 Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!
00:46:12 Ooh, yeah! Oh, Barry!
00:46:14 [mocking, giggling]
00:46:20 - Oh, Barry!
00:46:22 If she gets in touch with you,
00:46:24 It's an emergency.
00:46:25 You're like some crazy animal
00:46:28 I wanna be a penguin!
00:46:30 - I like to eat penguins.
00:46:32 - Penguins are very slow.
00:46:33 - Except I'm Turbo Penguin!
00:46:35 [Barry giggling]
00:46:36 - Come here.
00:46:38 - I'm gonna catch you.
00:46:41 - [groaning]
00:46:43 Barry, that's funny,
00:46:46 [giggling]
00:46:48 Don't get me!
00:46:51 Come here!
00:46:52 [grunting] Oh!
00:46:54 Ooh... [laughing]
00:46:59 Oh! [chortling] Ooh...
00:47:01 - You're gonna die.
00:47:07 [mimicking penguin sounds]
00:47:09 - [glass shattering]
00:47:12 [gasping, chuckling]
00:47:21 - God!
00:47:24 [giggling]
00:47:31 Barry?
00:47:34 [Darla] Tim?
00:47:37 This was so much fun!
00:47:40 - [retreating footsteps]
00:47:42 - And ever...
00:47:52 Barry!
00:47:54 Barry.
00:47:58 [laughing]
00:48:01 Works every time.
00:48:03 If you are attacked,
00:48:07 People don't want to punch
00:48:09 - it's instinctual.
00:48:11 Yes, she is.
00:48:13 - Oh, my God.
00:48:16 Oh, my God!
00:48:18 - [chiming]
00:48:19 Julie's.
00:48:26 - Kieran.
00:48:29 [Kieran] Hey, listen,
00:48:31 let the horse into the pasture.
00:48:32 She loves to run around
00:48:34 Grab a bottle of wine,
00:48:36 stay as long as you want.
00:48:39 - She's going to his ranch.
00:48:44 - That's code.
00:48:46 It's code, Tim.
00:48:50 Horse is heroin.
00:48:53 Grass... marijuana.
00:48:55 The horse likes
00:48:59 The heroin likes
00:49:02 Wine. Alcohol.
00:49:06 Like beer. Or wine.
00:49:09 Oh, man, they are planning
00:49:11 It's gonna be wild up there.
00:49:13 I think that you need to get out
00:49:18 before I beat you to death
00:49:20 - What?
00:49:24 Who's gonna help you with Julie?
00:49:26 Who's gonna help me with Julie? You
00:49:30 Because of you,
00:49:32 and she's on her way to Kieran's ranch!
00:49:34 - don't help me with Julie!
00:49:36 We should go there and we should
00:49:38 I don't know where it is. It's unlisted!
00:49:41 Please, please, I'm begging you!
00:49:46 I'm sorry.
00:49:50 I'm sorry, Tim.
00:49:55 Wait. Tim, Tim!
00:49:59 I work at the Canoga
00:50:03 It’s only the second-largest IRS
00:50:07 And you're telling
00:50:09 If Kieran has a ranch, we can End
00:50:14 And if he's up there sleeping with
00:50:19 He can't deduct that.
00:50:21 You can get me his tax returns?
00:50:23 No.
00:50:25 But I know somebody who can.
00:50:28 [Barry]
00:50:30 - [Tim] It looks deserted.
00:50:32 He's in there. My boss never sleeps.
00:50:34 [exhaling] Be careful around this guy.
00:50:37 - He can tell what you're thinking.
00:50:39 Don't look him in the eye. Don'!
00:50:43 Just keep your mind blank.
00:50:50 Therman? I'd like you to meet
00:50:55 Uh... Hi.
00:50:58 I could use some help and Barry says
00:51:02 Have 3 Seat.
00:51:04 I did an audit
00:51:07 Any relation?
00:51:09 - Where does he live?
00:51:12 - He's doing seven years.
00:51:15 Are you hiding something,
00:51:18 What is it that you do for a living?
00:51:19 [chuckling] Don't ask.
00:51:22 Nobody knows where
00:51:24 Shall we take a look
00:51:26 Mm.
00:51:29 Guys, I think we're
00:51:32 - I'm in a bit of a rush.
00:51:34 Gu... Bar... Guys, I don't
00:51:41 Mr. Conrad...
00:51:44 Men lie to me
00:51:50 And my job... is to ind the truth.
00:51:54 - Right, Barry?
00:51:56 I've studied the human mind.
00:51:58 I've learned how to read it
00:52:02 This is fascinating,
00:52:04 It's $14.99 on my website,
00:52:07 - OK.
00:52:09 Even if I buy it here?
00:52:11 It's shipped from somewhere else,
00:52:13 And I've been handling it.
00:52:17 Uh, could you just tell
00:52:19 We are looking for an address
00:52:24 You're looking for someone
00:52:29 That's exactly right.
00:52:33 She ran off with an artist.
00:52:37 - [Tim] Oh, God...
00:52:39 - Tim, he can see right through you.
00:52:43 Are you still skeptical, Mr, Conrad?
00:52:46 Watch this. Barry...
00:52:50 What is he doing?
00:52:52 He's making me do something.
00:52:57 You're not doing anything, Barry.
00:52:58 That's right, Barry.
00:53:01 I'm not doing anything.
00:53:04 I'm paralyzed. Oh, God.
00:53:07 God can't hear you, Barry.
00:53:09 - Tim?
00:53:11 - No, actually, I can hear him.
00:53:16 Oh! This is so painful.
00:53:20 [murmuring] I can't move, Tim.
00:53:23 Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.
00:53:26 All right, you know what, Barry?
00:53:29 [grunting]
00:53:34 - I release you.
00:53:37 [moaning] Wow. OK, I will never take
00:53:42 Well, I was wrong. Apparently,
00:53:47 I need an address.
00:53:48 - Can you help me, please?
00:53:52 - How much?
00:53:56 "You can eat my pudding."
00:53:58 Uh-uh. No.
00:54:02 Barry, I can make you say it.
00:54:05 But with your own free will, say,
00:54:10 I’m not gonna say it.
00:54:13 Barry, I'm gonna eat it, anyway!
00:54:15 But I want you to say,
00:54:20 Barry, I will give you a thousand
00:54:24 A thousand dollars?
00:54:26 Barry, your friend is a high roller.
00:54:28 - You are hiding something.
00:54:32 Um, uh... Can we just stick
00:54:35 [Therman]
00:54:37 But you cannot declare
00:54:40 against future capital gains.
00:54:44 I'll have to ask
00:54:49 [wheezing laughter]
00:54:52 Uh...
00:54:54 [wheezing laughter continues]
00:55:03 [laughter stops abruptly]
00:55:07 Mr. Conrad...
00:55:09 ,,,you, my friend, are being audited.
00:55:11 NO, HO, HO.
00:55:13 Call the 800 number.
00:55:17 I release you.
00:55:21 Hey, Tim?
00:55:26 I guess you just have to remember
00:55:31 "Everything happens
00:55:34 - You know who said that?
00:55:38 - You did. You're the wise man.
00:55:40 Don't say a word.
00:55:46 Oh, my God. It's Martha.
00:55:49 It's my ex-wife.
00:55:53 [Martha giggling]
00:55:58 [Martha] There's my magic man.
00:56:02 [moaning]
00:56:06 [giggles]
00:56:11 - Look at you. OK,
00:56:20 - [engine starting]
00:56:25 I used to call her Pudding.
00:56:29 Look, why don't we just each
00:56:31 and I'll see you tomorrow
00:56:33 OK. Oh...
00:56:37 I think I left
00:56:40 - I'll drive you home.
00:56:42 Oh! I left my keys
00:56:47 That's OK. You know what?
00:56:51 - I can pull two chairs together.
00:56:53 - Get in the car.
00:56:55 They... Well, they sort of roll
00:56:58 - Barry, Barry...
00:57:00 - You can stay with me.
00:57:02 - I insist.
00:57:04 - Yeah.
00:57:07 - it's already cramped.
00:57:19 Wow.
00:57:22 - What are you doing?
00:57:24 I have, a few times.
00:57:26 - Why do you carry this around?
00:57:29 - Please don't go through my pockets.
00:57:36 Hey, Tim?
00:57:38 The first night alone is always the hardest
00:57:41 I can sleep in there
00:57:43 No, thank you.
00:57:45 Hey, just don't think about
00:57:47 Because then you're sunk. Then you just
00:57:50 Your mind starts reeling.
00:57:52 "Where's Julie?
00:57:55 "Is he a better lover than I am?
00:57:58 Don't think about that.
00:57:59 Gel those thoughts
00:58:03 - Why are you putting on aftershave?
00:58:07 When I was married, I used to stay up
00:58:10 and Martha hated
00:58:14 You can smell them both, Barry.
00:58:16 Two layers of bad smell.
00:58:20 That's exactly
00:58:25 Good night.
00:58:29 [door closes]
00:58:35 [whispers] Tim?
00:58:40 - Tim?
00:58:43 I can't sleep.
00:58:45 - Oh, God!
00:58:48 Should I rent a tux?
00:58:50 Here's the thing:
00:58:51 It's always better to be overdressed
00:58:54 [Barry laughing]
00:59:01 - [audio switches off]
00:59:05 [yelling] Oh, he ate it!
00:59:10 No... [laughing loudly]
00:59:14 [loud laughter continues]
00:59:22 [clock ticking loudly]
01:00:16 [Tim] I'll be back in a few hours.
01:00:18 Don't play with the stove.
01:00:21 Don't do anything with electricity.
01:00:25 Do you understand?
01:00:26 Sometimes I think
01:00:29 Just stay in the chair.
01:00:31 I will. I will stay in the chair.
01:00:35 Because the future of my career
01:00:37 It's a very important potential client.
01:00:39 - [TV clicks on]
01:00:41 You want to help me?
01:00:43 OK.
01:00:44 I'll pick you up for dinner.
01:00:49 - You gonna stay in that chair?
01:00:51 That's it.
01:00:54 - [indistinct chatter on TV]
01:01:02 Hello?
01:01:03 [Susana] You got everything
01:01:05 - Uh-huh.
01:01:08 so I'm billing you overtime for this.
01:01:10 You're going
01:01:14 Don't be late. They're Swiss.
01:01:16 [Susana]
01:01:18 - They're dying to meet her.
01:01:22 Tim?
01:01:24 Tim!
01:01:27 Tim?
01:01:33 [grunting]
01:01:40 Tim? Tim!
01:01:43 Tim!
01:01:45 Hi, Tim?
01:01:47 I need to talk to you. Julie has
01:01:54 Oh!
01:01:57 Hi, Tim, me again. I just realized
01:02:00 My password is
01:02:04 OK.
01:02:07 Oh, God!
01:02:10 You can'! get that message, either!
01:02:12 [screaming]
01:02:15 [classical music playing]
01:02:18 - This way, sir.
01:02:22 We feared that some
01:02:24 - I’m so sorry I’m late.
01:02:27 Julie sends her regrets.
01:02:32 and broke a distal phalange.
01:02:34 Please wish her a swift recovery.
01:02:36 I had hoped for another woman
01:02:39 I understood from my husband
01:02:41 I would not have to suffer
01:02:44 What was it Baudelaire said?
01:02:46 "Misunderstanding makes
01:02:49 I see we will have poetry after all.
01:02:51 It is rare to find an American
01:02:54 Mm.
01:02:56 [Rupert Holmes: Escape
01:03:06 [yelling] Tim! It's me again! Barry!
01:03:10 I figured it out!
01:03:15 [sighing]
01:03:16 Obviously, many
01:03:19 - I imagine you have several questions.
01:03:23 My father left me with very little,
01:03:27 The world is full of people
01:03:31 Why should I trust you
01:03:34 A very fair question.
01:03:37 Now, you're obviously
01:03:41 But unfortunately, the world
01:03:44 The good hunters win.
01:03:49 I am a very good hunter.
01:03:51 You are refreshingly honest,
01:03:55 I try to be.
01:03:59 A call for you, sir.
01:04:04 I'm so sorry.
01:04:06 [Barry] I got your back, Tim.
01:04:07 - Hello?
01:04:09 - Hello? Hello?
01:04:10 Hello. Hello.
01:04:13 Hello. My name is Tim's brother,
01:04:18 Tim, look. I brought Julie.
01:04:21 Hi, my love.
01:04:26 Um, you...
01:04:29 You know... Your phalange.
01:04:32 Nonsense,
01:04:35 Please, sit. Sit. Sit.
01:04:41 Thank you.
01:04:46 - Birgit Mueller.
01:04:48 - Martin Mueller, delighted.
01:04:51 And I am Barry. Delightful.
01:04:56 I am so pleased you could join us.
01:05:00 until you meet his partner in love.
01:05:02 I couldn't agree more. I would love
01:05:06 - [yelling] Where are you from'?!
01:05:10 - We're gonna focus on business.
01:05:14 It is one of my favorite countries.
01:05:16 I love your army knives,
01:05:20 And your cheese. Does the cheese
01:05:26 Our countries are not enemies.
01:05:30 - We are friends,
01:05:33 No, bull have a friend
01:05:36 And I speak a little of your language.
01:05:38 [speaking gibberish]
01:05:44 That's my brother.
01:05:47 Oh! [chuckling] It’s a jokey joke, ja?
01:05:56 Uh, you know, we should, uh, continue
01:06:00 But I have not received my salmon.
01:06:03 Or my green salad.
01:06:11 So...
01:06:12 ...do you and Julie have
01:06:17 That's kind of a sore topic. He keeps
01:06:21 Ask me again.
01:06:24 No, it's not the right time.
01:06:27 If a woman asks you to propose,
01:06:30 Really, I can't.
01:06:32 - Why not?
01:06:35 - I don't have a ring.
01:06:37 - No, I don't.
01:06:39 - Come on, You know you have it.
01:06:43 - Told ya.
01:06:45 You are a hunter, Mr. Conrad.
01:06:47 There is nothing more
01:06:50 to join himself to his lady love.
01:06:52 Join yourself to her,
01:06:57 [mimicking accent] Join yourself
01:07:01 You must kneel, Mr. Conrad.
01:07:05 Thank you.
01:07:15 [glass ringing]
01:07:16 [Barry] Something's happening!
01:07:20 - Julie...
01:07:22 - Oh, I don't want to call you Darla.
01:07:26 - I want it to be real.
01:07:30 Look, look.
01:07:33 There is your home.
01:07:38 I love you, Tim.
01:07:41 Do it, do it, do it.
01:07:42 Do it...!
01:07:45 - Julie.
01:07:47 Darla. Will you marry me?
01:07:51 - [voice breaking] Yes. Yes!
01:07:54 - [applause]
01:08:07 - Julie.
01:08:10 - Nope. I'm Julie.
01:08:12 Julie and Julie.
01:08:14 Susana thought you were
01:08:16 if I didn't show up today.
01:08:18 Look at you. You had a...
01:08:21 -Yeah.
01:08:23 - This is a huge misunderstanding.
01:08:26 This is Darla. She's a naughty
01:08:30 I didn't know whether you
01:08:32 so I brought Darla to keep
01:08:35 [quietly] Very important
01:08:37 That clears that up.
01:08:39 Darling, you're embarrassing
01:08:43 She's really quite a catch, Tim.
01:08:47 - No! Julie...
01:08:49 - He's very crafty.
01:08:52 I'm so sorry. I hope we can
01:08:55 - but, actually, I love her.
01:08:58 - [Tim] Julie!
01:09:01 Julie! Julie, look...
01:09:04 Wait, wait. I know that looked awkward,
01:09:07 - Trust you?
01:09:10 I know you spent the night at Kieran's
01:09:13 Right?
01:09:14 I didn't go to Kieran's ranch
01:09:17 - I'm going now.
01:09:19 Tim, I have to go. it's my job.
01:09:21 We're going to San Francisco
01:09:24 He wants me to be pan
01:09:26 His artistic process...
01:09:30 He told me last nigh!
01:09:34 - You broke into his house?
01:09:38 My God. I guess there really
01:09:43 It's too bad. I was so in love
01:09:54 - Hop in.
01:09:55 OK.
01:10:00 [yelling]
01:10:03 [Barry] Tim, Tim."
01:10:05 [grunting]
01:10:07 Ow!
01:10:14 Oh, wow.
01:10:23 [screams]
01:10:24 may dead!
01:10:29 I don't think you're
01:10:32 Just stay out of my life.
01:10:45 I think that was really good for her.
01:10:49 Aah!
01:10:56 See? It works.
01:11:03 I can't help but think
01:11:05 Really'?! Well, it is your fault!
01:11:12 I'm sorry.
01:11:17 [buttons beeping]
01:11:23 Hello, Therman. You win.
01:11:27 You can eat my pudding.
01:11:30 31 Light hill Drive.
01:11:35 [rattling noises]
01:11:43 [Julie] I don't even know
01:11:44 It's like I'm having a bad dream.
01:11:49 Am I completely delusional, here?
01:11:51 I don'! even know
01:11:56 I'm sorry. I shouldn't
01:11:58 I want to photograph you, right now.
01:12:01 Um...
01:12:03 I don't think it's the best time
01:12:07 It's exactly the best time.
01:12:11 You're so raw, so wonderfully visible,
01:12:16 This is weird, Kieran.
01:12:18 Not doing this would be weird.
01:12:20 Keep talking.
01:12:22 I don't know. I mean, I just...
01:12:27 I just always thought
01:12:30 - [low exotic music playing]
01:12:33 You'd think that you would
01:12:36 But, no. That's bad.
01:12:42 He's such a smooth talker.
01:12:43 - So convincing.
01:12:45 I don't even know if anything
01:12:48 - These pictures are gonna be amazing.
01:12:51 - This is crazy. No.
01:12:54 I don't want to take pictures.
01:12:55 - [goats bleating]
01:12:59 Julie, there's something
01:13:01 - Kieran has gonorrhea.
01:13:04 - You might.
01:13:06 - Well, she does, She has gonorrhea.
01:13:08 - Don't sleep with her.
01:13:10 - Are you sure?
01:13:11 Because you can get it
01:13:13 - No, you can't.
01:13:16 - That's how my wife got it.
01:13:21 I do.
01:13:25 [exhaling] I have gonorrhea.
01:13:29 I got gonorrhea from my wife,
01:13:33 And no one should sleep with me.
01:13:37 [exhaling]
01:13:40 OK.
01:13:42 Could I speak with Julie...
01:13:47 [goats bleating]
01:13:50 Tim, you have to tell her
01:13:53 - and be honest with her.
01:13:55 That's what I did with Martha
01:13:57 - But I think this'il work for you.
01:14:08 - [goats bleating]
01:14:12 [Kieran] Have you ever
01:14:14 living with a herd of goats,
01:14:19 - No?
01:14:20 That surprises me.
01:14:22 The thing about a goat is, it never
01:14:27 [Barry] A goat will eat anything.
01:14:29 A goat could probably eat a bike.
01:14:34 A goal could eat itself,
01:14:40 I'm just a goat...
01:14:43 ...who's halfway through
01:14:52 Just to be clear, what exactly
01:14:55 [inhaling] Everything.
01:15:00 I had no idea. It happened one night
01:15:04 I haven't seen her since.
01:15:05 So she just popped back up
01:15:09 She tried to get in touch with me
01:15:12 - So it's all Barry's fault?
01:15:18 but he is a tornado of destruction.
01:15:20 The only friends
01:15:23 and that's 'cause they're the only ones
01:15:30 You know what else mice can't do?
01:15:33 They can't lie.
01:15:36 Barry. Barry!
01:15:41 I'm gonna go
01:15:43 And, uh,.. I'll come by to pack,
01:15:46 I think i!'s better
01:16:17 I never really knew
01:16:20 until I heard her
01:16:26 You were lying to me
01:16:31 "How do I get ahead in business?"
01:16:33 "How do I get ahead?
01:16:37 "I'll find a great taxidermist
01:16:40 "And then I'll invite him to dinner.
01:16:45 Well, somebody forgot to tell
01:16:51 Well...
01:16:52 ...there is a bit
01:16:56 'Cause the mean guy finally
01:17:05 World's smallest violin
01:17:11 - Sorry.
01:17:15 - I'm sorry.
01:19:22 [phone ringing]
01:19:25 - Hello?
01:19:27 I heard you had
01:19:29 Sir, I can explain.
01:19:31 You might want to explain it
01:19:37 You should have
01:19:40 [Mueller] We have the same game
01:19:42 "Dinner for Unterschlagen. "
01:19:44 I am very much looking forward
01:19:46 to seeing the two of you
01:19:51 Where are you?
01:19:54 There's been a complication.
01:19:56 Wm, for chrissake,
01:19:59 If we don't make this deal tonight,
01:20:02 So, hurry up,
01:20:13 My guy's a lock. You know what I'm
01:20:16 Now, he might be a little late.
01:20:18 - He's on his way, but...
01:20:21 Sir, I've run
01:20:23 Never mind that. You know,
01:20:25 Caldwell's been
01:20:28 He says you're not cut out for it.
01:20:30 - Really?
01:20:33 Mueller told me your guy was good.
01:20:39 [Barry] Well, I try to look
01:20:41 I guess you could say
01:20:43 When life gives you lemons,
01:20:45 Unless you don't have
01:20:47 And then,
01:20:49 The rind will give you diarrhea.
01:20:53 baby got the diarr...
01:20:55 Ah, Mr. Conrad! You have
01:21:00 Barry... you're here.
01:21:02 Yes, and I have been telling
01:21:05 that you deserve a promotion.
01:21:07 And he's been making
01:21:10 Tim, I'd like
01:21:13 - and his wife, Diane.
01:21:16 For now.
01:21:19 - Honey, please.
01:21:21 You're so pathetic!
01:21:24 My God, it's raining men.
01:21:28 [laughing]
01:21:30 Unless there's something wrong
01:21:33 you could have flawless skin
01:21:36 Because your bones
01:21:40 Lewis, Diane, there's someone
01:21:42 I think you're drunk.
01:21:44 - Not drunk enough to do you.
01:21:46 Tim, when you said this was
01:21:50 I had no idea. Look at that.
01:21:52 Are you hungry?
01:21:56 Come on.
01:22:00 - Yes?
01:22:02 OK... her.
01:22:04 She communicates with dead pets.
01:22:06 Lorenzo's mother...
01:22:11 - [mimicking bird noises]
01:22:13 OK, that guy? Right there?
01:22:18 I'm telling you,
01:22:20 - I am so not in their league.
01:22:23 - Why are you here?
01:22:28 I know, I know.
01:22:31 I know you are in a dark place,
01:22:34 that you need to show your boss
01:22:37 In my book,
01:22:40 [bell dinging]
01:22:41 Ladies and gentlemen!
01:22:49 [applause]
01:22:50 The eyes are
01:22:54 Remove them and the others
01:22:58 But some people still ask,
01:23:00 "How can a blind man compete
01:23:05 I will show you how.
01:23:07 - [woman] Oh!
01:23:09 - [applause]
01:23:13 - All right!
01:23:15 Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh
01:23:21 Are they cute
01:23:22 or are they pretty much
01:23:26 - Are you looking down my dress?
01:23:30 - Why not?
01:23:33 - Tim, were you?
01:23:35 - Please don't embarrass me.
01:23:38 - [clapping]
01:23:41 [waitress] Here you are, ma’am.
01:23:48 [gasping]
01:23:52 I am receiving a message
01:23:56 [gasping] I'm trapped.
01:24:00 Where are they taking me?
01:24:02 She's talking to the lobster.
01:24:05 The water, it...
01:24:07 ...boils!
01:24:09 [shrieking]
01:24:20 [screaming, grunting]
01:24:23 - [chuckling]
01:24:26 [gasping, panting] Whoo!
01:24:34 Ah, fuck it. I don't care.
01:24:36 So, Tim... I understand your
01:24:41 I guess I'm up. Wish me luck.
01:24:50 This is something that I call
01:25:04 A thousand years ago, the only
01:25:08 And they said,
01:25:12 "We'll never use tools.
01:25:16 And then one monkey said: "Oh, yeah?
01:25:21 That monkey... was a dreamer.
01:25:25 - Mice dressed as monkeys.
01:25:27 - Good.
01:25:32 Fast-forward 500 years.
01:25:38 The Wright Brothers decide to make
01:25:42 "You fools! You idiots!"
01:25:45 "What's your problem?"
01:25:47 "That will never work because
01:25:51 To which the Wright Brothers
01:25:54 "No, it doesn't."
01:25:57 The Wright Brothers were dreamers.
01:26:02 The Earl of Sandwich
01:26:07 Had it not been for them, the BLT
01:26:16 They were dreamers.
01:26:19 - Ja.
01:26:23 Vincent van Gogh.
01:26:26 Everyone told him,
01:26:30 "You cannot be a great artist."
01:26:33 And you know what he said?
01:26:37 Vincent van Gogh was a dreamer.
01:26:39 [chuckling]
01:26:41 - I love to paint.
01:26:43 -I love to paint.
01:26:45 - I don't know.
01:26:50 Louis Pasteur turned
01:26:58 [gasping]
01:27:03 Benjamin Franklin.
01:27:06 People said, "You can't
01:27:10 And Ben Franklin said,
01:27:13 ...if you have
01:27:16 [buzzing]
01:27:20 Little detail with the kite.
01:27:22 A man who broke more bones...
01:27:26 ...than any man in history:
01:27:31 - Evel Knievel.
01:27:38 - [chuckling, murmurs]
01:27:41 Well played, rookie.
01:27:43 And who might this
01:27:48 Tim Conrad.
01:27:51 He believes that someday
01:27:55 even though every time
01:27:59 And even though, as we speak,
01:28:03 with a handsome artist.
01:28:06 Tim Conrad... is a dreamer.
01:28:16 So dare to dream.
01:28:20 You can climb
01:28:23 You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup
01:28:28 And if somebody tells you
01:28:31 you say, "Yes, I can."
01:28:35 “Cause I'm doing it right now!"
01:28:39 - [indistinct chatter]
01:28:42 Bravo!
01:28:44 - [man] Bravo, sir!
01:28:51 You must come to Switzerland.
01:28:54 [laughing] I can't understand
01:28:57 [laughter, applause]
01:29:00 Caldwell.
01:29:03 - The night is young.
01:29:06 Gentlemen, ladies, I'd like to introduce
01:29:10 IRS auditor and master
01:29:14 Therman?
01:29:22 Sorry for my tardiness.
01:29:23 Mr. Murch came
01:29:26 Shame to hear about that audit, Tim.
01:29:28 Anything I can do to help,
01:29:31 Barry, what are you doing here?
01:29:34 Mm". I dunno.
01:29:35 - You two know each other?
01:29:40 I'm gonna have to get
01:29:42 - [quiet chuckles]
01:29:45 some of his techniques for mind control,
01:29:48 I was pretty blown away.
01:29:49 - [woman] Wow.
01:29:51 Yes. The brain has pressure points,
01:29:56 Apply those pressure points,
01:29:58 and the brain will obey
01:30:02 Allow me to demonstrate.
01:30:05 Barry.
01:30:09 - Barry.
01:30:13 Look into my eyes, Barry.
01:30:16 Barry!
01:30:18 Where is your wife, Barry?
01:30:23 Tell us. Where is she?
01:30:25 Come on, Barry, tell us.
01:30:28 - Your house?
01:30:37 [laughing]
01:30:39 Let me just get this straight, Barry.
01:30:47 She has extraordinary taste in men.
01:30:50 [mouths words]
01:30:53 And tell us, Barry...
01:31:02 [grunting softly]
01:31:04 - Spit it out of your mouth.
01:31:07 - Say it!
01:31:09 [growling] Say it, boy!
01:31:14 - I lost her clitoris.
01:31:18 - That's right.
01:31:23 She got mad because
01:31:25 Well, you know.
01:31:27 I said, "it's probably
01:31:29 because nine times out of ten
01:31:31 that's where they end up.
01:31:33 Barry, do you even
01:31:35 I don't know what half
01:31:38 Well, don't worry, Barry.
01:31:41 It was in her purse.
01:31:44 It was in her naughty purse.
01:31:46 Wow... I mean, thank God
01:31:52 I thought I found it
01:31:56 Turns out it was just
01:32:01 - [all chuckling]
01:32:06 [all laughing]
01:32:12 [gasping]
01:32:15 - I release you! [sighing]
01:32:20 Ladies and gentlemen,
01:32:23 - [applause]
01:32:25 Bravo! Bravo!
01:32:30 [man] Touche, Caldwell.
01:32:32 That was sweet.
01:32:37 Barry, you're better than him.
01:32:41 Thanks. Thank you, Tim.
01:32:46 - No, I'm not.
01:32:48 I'm not. Barry, this...
01:32:53 This dinner isn't
01:32:57 What?
01:32:59 We invited you ail here
01:33:03 So you invite a bunch of incredibly
01:33:07 and make fun of them?
01:33:09 No. It's a dinner for idiots.
01:33:13 Well, you'd better
01:33:16 We do.
01:33:19 I'm sorry.
01:33:26 If it's any consolation, Therman
01:33:34 He'll have that, too.
01:33:36 And he'll be able to lord it
01:33:39 Barry, Erst prize
01:33:43 I know. That guy beats me
01:33:48 I don't know, what's the use?
01:33:55 Barry, look at me.
01:33:59 Therman has mind control,
01:34:03 - ...you have brain control.
01:34:07 - Mm-hmm.
01:34:09 - You didn't know you had brain control?
01:34:11 I knew it the second I met you.
01:34:13 You crawled in my brain
01:34:16 - I did?
01:34:17 And I can't get rid of you,
01:34:19 You burrowed your way into my brain,
01:34:24 - I didn't mean to.
01:34:27 - and I can't get you out of my head!
01:34:30 It's like teeth and spikes
01:34:33 ...all your... spilling out millions
01:34:38 - I can't do anything about it!
01:34:41 Brain control beats mind control
01:34:43 Because the brain tells
01:34:46 You can beat this guy.
01:34:51 Barry, you can beat Therman.
01:34:54 "You may say I'm a dreamer..."
01:34:58 "But I'm not the only one"
01:35:09 I'm going to go
01:35:12 [door opening]
01:35:15 - Back for more, Barry?
01:35:19 Only this time, I brought
01:35:26 - What are you talking about?
01:35:30 [chuckling] Brain control?
01:35:35 There ain't no such thing
01:35:37 There is mind control.
01:35:41 That's ridiculous.
01:35:44 Yes, it's ridiculous.
01:35:45 - That's ridiculous.
01:35:48 [Barry] Barry.
01:35:50 - Barry.
01:35:53 - [high voice] Barry.
01:35:54 - [low voice] Barry,
01:35:56 - What are you doing?
01:35:59 - It works.
01:36:03 I am making you say
01:36:06 Yeah, but I’m saying it first.
01:36:07 - Are you?
01:36:09 Really?
01:36:12 I am very, very powerful.
01:36:16 - Oh, my gosh.
01:36:23 [both mimicking
01:36:27 - Oh!
01:36:29 [noises continue]
01:36:36 - Oh, thank you,
01:36:39 [laughing]
01:36:41 Oh, no!
01:36:43 [laughing] Ah!
01:36:49 [mimics gunfire noises]
01:36:50 [deflection noises]
01:36:53 - [all laughing]
01:36:57 You have no secrets from me.
01:37:00 Oh, contrary. You have
01:37:03 I know that after sex, you like
01:37:09 You cry like a little baby.
01:37:12 - Martha told you.
01:37:15 I know that you take a Magic Marker
01:37:20 Is that against the law?
01:37:23 And you put a little hat on it
01:37:26 Nobody is supposed to know that.
01:37:29 - And you sing to it.
01:37:32 [mimics choir singing]
01:37:38 That's... That's not
01:37:40 I know everything! I have
01:37:45 Get them out of my head!
01:37:48 You are no longer in control
01:37:51 And you are under my power.
01:37:54 [whispering] I know everything,
01:37:58 - And I release you.
01:38:00 [laughter, applause]
01:38:05 Barry! Barry!
01:38:08 Yeah!
01:38:10 I hope that you have all
01:38:13 because you will all be audited.
01:38:15 - [snorting]
01:38:19 He slept with Martha
01:38:22 I was under the bed
01:38:27 Right? I know!
01:38:31 We have a little
01:38:33 We give an award to the evening's
01:38:38 And tonight's winner is
01:38:41 I have ever met. Our winner:
01:38:44 Barry!
01:38:46 - [applause]
01:38:50 Wow. Wow!
01:38:54 - We did it!
01:38:56 Thank you.
01:38:57 I look forward to working
01:39:00 Tim, Tim, you did it.
01:39:05 Mueller loves him.
01:39:07 He is amazing.
01:39:09 - I thought you did such a great job.
01:39:11 - I am, yeah!
01:39:14 And he deserves
01:39:16 - They all do.
01:39:21 Any of you would throw me
01:39:25 And Barry would throw himself
01:39:29 ...even though it was already dead.
01:39:32 I have been trying
01:39:35 Barry doesn't deserve
01:39:39 Hold on a second. Tim, I won
01:39:42 Barry, you don't
01:39:43 - I've never won a trophy before.
01:39:46 - You know what? Keep the trophy.
01:39:48 I'm sorry.
01:39:49 Well, these people invited us
01:39:53 [Barry] This is a contest
01:39:56 Which I nailed!
01:39:59 Wait, wait, wait...
01:40:01 -You told him?
01:40:03 It seems this contest was fixed.
01:40:06 I thought you conducted
01:40:09 No, we do. We do.
01:40:11 We do. Tim had
01:40:15 but for some reason, he's chosen
01:40:18 Scusi. I think I must not have
01:40:23 He did.
01:40:25 You insult my honor
01:40:29 Count yourself lucky
01:40:32 - Yeah!
01:40:33 [laughing]
01:40:38 - Marco!
01:40:40 So it is a tight you want, is it?
01:40:42 Well, you shall have your might.
01:40:44 But on my terms.
01:40:51 In a world of complete darkness,
01:40:55 ...but the blind can see.
01:41:01 Oh, God.
01:41:03 Welcome...
01:41:05 ...to my world.
01:41:07 I am invisible. Where am I?
01:41:10 - He's good.
01:41:14 - ...with a big knife!
01:41:16 Simmer down!
01:41:18 - I can smell your fear!
01:41:21 - I think he's gonna kill someone.
01:41:25 Hey, no! Not the boys!
01:41:27 This has become a fiasco!
01:41:29 [Barry] Wait a second, the Swedish
01:41:31 He's an idiot, too!
01:41:35 This is what you've been
01:41:36 - No! No!
01:41:38 - to make fun with me!
01:41:39 I can assure you.
01:41:42 - [yelling]
01:41:46 - [squawking]
01:41:49 - Somebody, grab that bird!
01:41:54 - No, no, no!
01:41:56 It is my wife's favorite finger!
01:41:59 Williams, get the bird!
01:42:01 - They're going to kill my bird!
01:42:03 - It's over there!
01:42:05 - Get the bird!
01:42:08 You want the bird?
01:42:10 Fight like a blind man!
01:42:12 Right here.
01:42:17 - Oh!
01:42:19 - Oh, come on!
01:42:22 Somebody, just let the bird out!
01:42:25 Wait, I have an idea.
01:42:27 Let Lorenzo out!
01:42:28 You, stop! Don't move
01:42:32 Allow me.
01:42:39 - [Lorezno squawking]
01:42:44 - Nice!
01:42:48 Wanna?
01:42:50 Great dinner!
01:42:53 - [sirens wailing in distance]
01:42:59 [man wailing]
01:43:05 - [door opening]
01:43:08 - Julie?
01:43:10 Julie?
01:43:12 Tim.
01:43:23 There's a way to read that
01:43:26 How? How is that positive, Barry?
01:43:30 "Tim, have a ni..."
01:43:32 "Hey, Tim, ha..."
01:43:34 - [clearing throat]
01:43:37 - This is my fault, isn't it?
01:43:43 I'm the reason this happened,
01:43:48 I messed up. You want to hear
01:43:52 God, yeah.
01:43:54 You know why I wanted
01:43:57 So that Julie would think
01:44:00 I'm so stupid. I couldn't believe
01:44:04 would want anything to do
01:44:06 ...with stuff she doesn't care
01:44:11 You know what
01:44:15 And what else?
01:44:16 Waking up next to her every day,
01:44:20 And more things?
01:44:22 She's the greatest thing in my life
01:44:30 What are you doing?
01:44:40 Did you know I was listening?
01:44:42 - No.
01:44:48 I... I thought you'd gone.
01:44:51 I left my phone.
01:44:55 Julie... I'm...
01:44:58 - [knocking at door]
01:45:02 We should hurry if we're
01:45:05 - Kieran...
01:45:13 Kieran...
01:45:16 men and women have striven
01:45:20 And once in a while,
01:45:23 and spark a passion
01:45:25 a thousand armies
01:45:30 That is what you have with Julie.
01:45:33 But Tim got there first.
01:45:34 And if Julie leaves,
01:45:38 People can die of broken hearts.
01:45:41 I know. It almost happened to me.
01:45:44 And because of that...
01:45:50 You may talk to Julie no more.
01:45:54 You may look upon
01:45:59 OK, but we work together, so...
01:46:02 What part of "no more"
01:46:04 We had a talk, Kieran and I,
01:46:06 and he understands
01:46:09 - There is professional no more.
01:46:15 If we start this tire...
01:46:20 What are you talking about?
01:46:22 "If you start this tire..."
01:46:26 - Burn it to ashes.
01:46:31 - There goes my museum show.
01:46:35 - Yeah.
01:46:38 ...I love you. I don't care
01:46:41 Rn stop asking
01:46:44 Don't stop asking.
01:47:00 You are a wise man, my friend.
01:47:03 As are you.
01:47:14 Au revoir, Julie.
01:47:17 Au revoir, Kieran.
01:47:21 Be kind to your birds
01:47:24 [The Beatles:
01:47:38 [Barry] We're gonna be
01:47:49 [Barry] I guess things
01:47:53 Tim lost his job, but the two of us
01:47:55 And once a month, I invite him
01:48:00 It's called
01:48:05 Kieran and I became friends.
01:48:07 He asked me to collaborate with him and
01:48:11 ...including South Africa.
01:48:14 And guess who came to see us?
01:48:16 Morgan Freeman.
01:48:21 Tim went on to help Martin Mueller
01:48:24 into the Martin Mueller Museum of Modem Art...
01:48:27 ...or 'mmm-ah. "
01:48:31 Kieran and I collaborated
01:48:40 I met up with Dana again.
01:48:44 She had me play detective
01:48:48 And you know what?
01:48:55 Therman wrote a new book,
01:48:57 and it is very popular
01:49:01 I guess it's true what they say
01:49:03 '71 mind is a terrible thing. "
01:49:09 Oh, yeah, as for Tim and Julie...
01:49:14 They went to Paris
01:49:17 I waited around to surprise them,
01:49:22 Anyway, I can tell you this:
01:49:24 They both got curated..
01:49:27 ...several times.
01:49:28 [Sondre Lerche:
01:53:17 [Barry] Oh, yeah... Fender's company
01:53:21 Forbes Magazine named him Wall Street’s biggest loser!
01:53:25 Way to go, Fended [laughing]