|
Dogma
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Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force |
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Thank you. |
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Now we all know |
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and the media in this country... |
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view the Catholic church. |
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They think of us as a passé, |
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People find the Bible obtuse... |
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even hokey. |
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Now, in an effort to disprove |
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the Church has appointed this year |
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both of faith and of style. |
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For example, the crucifix. |
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While it has been a time-honored symbol |
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Holy Mother Church |
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this highly recognizable... |
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yet wholly depressing image... |
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of our Lord, crucified. |
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Christ didn't come to Earth |
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He came to help us out. |
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He was a booster, and it's |
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that we've come up with a new, |
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So, it is with great pleasure |
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of many revamps |
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will unveil over the next year, |
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"The Buddy Christ." |
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That's not the sanctioned term |
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Just something we've been |
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But look at it. |
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Doesn't it pop? |
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Buddy Christ. |
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Well, there you have it. |
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Let me get this straight. |
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You don't believe in God |
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No, Through the Looking Glass. |
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That poem, |
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that's an indictment |
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The Walrus, with his girth |
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he obviously represents either Buddha... |
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or with his tusks, |
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That takes care |
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Now, the Carpenter, which is |
| 00:04:08 |
who was raised a carpenter's son, |
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Now, in the poem, |
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They dupe all these oysters |
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and then proceed to shuck and devour |
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I don't know what that says to you, |
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that following these faiths |
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ensures the destruction |
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Organized religion destroys |
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by inhibiting our actions, |
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out of fear of some |
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who shakes a finger at us |
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and says, "Do it... |
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Oh, Jesus! |
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The way you put it, I've never really |
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What have I been doing |
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- What am I? |
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Listen, my advice to you... |
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you take this money that you've |
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go get yourself a nice dress, |
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Find some man... find some woman... you |
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'cause that's really all life is, |
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Why don't you seize yours? |
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That a girl. |
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You know, here's what |
| 00:05:30 |
You know for a fact |
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You've been in His presence. |
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- Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. |
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I just love it. I love to keep |
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Here's what I don't get about you. |
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Why do you feel the need |
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My friend, because |
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Look at them. |
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All that anger, all that mistrust, |
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forgotten for that one perfect moment |
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See those two? |
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What that guy doesn't know is that the |
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- She did? |
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- Nice. |
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'cause they're just both so relieved |
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I like that. |
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I wish they all could |
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Is this why I had to come down here |
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You call me, you tell me |
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What, to share in your half-assed |
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We're going home. |
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Somebody sent us this in the mail. |
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Take it and quit leering at me. People |
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- You said we're going home, didn't you? |
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"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On |
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And? |
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You have to keep reading. |
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"The rededication of |
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...is the kickoff of a new campaign |
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Catholicism into the mainstream. |
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With a papal sanction, |
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of the century-old Jersey shore |
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will serve as a passageway |
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a little-known Catholic belief offering |
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a morally clean slate. |
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For Sunday News Brief, |
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All I gotta do, I walk through the arch |
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No. By walking through the archway, |
| 00:07:20 |
- Then all we have to do is die. |
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- You rather hang around here? |
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But what if we can and then |
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What then, Hell? |
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It's impossible. |
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and transubstantiate to complete |
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If we die with clean souls, |
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We won't be angels anymore, |
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- Who sent the paper? |
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All that matters is that after |
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He can't keep us out anymore. |
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Once we're back in, |
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But this thing, |
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It's not Divine Mandate. |
| 00:07:58 |
Church laws are fallible |
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One of the last sacred promises |
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by the Son of God |
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- "Whatever you hold true on Earth..." |
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It's dogmatic law. If the Church |
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This thing has a papal sanction... |
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Let it never be said your |
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never yielded positive results. |
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You can't be anal retentive |
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Outstanding work! |
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There's just one thing |
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This is gonna help us get back |
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What? |
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Here. I've been dreaming about this |
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"Mooby, the Golden Calf. |
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Creating an Empire |
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I wanna hit 'em. |
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You really are |
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We finally find a way back |
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because you've got a soft spot |
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What better way to repent than by |
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thanks to you? |
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I don't think a killing spree |
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Killing spree? |
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I'm talking about reigning down fire |
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He's all about that. |
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There hasn't been an Angel of Death |
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Doesn't that mean anything to you? |
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And besides, what if you're wrong, |
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If I'm wrong... which I'm not... |
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We're gonna pass through |
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We're gonna be forgiven. |
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Well, He does hate competition. |
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And your Mooby certainly falls |
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Where is this church |
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New Jersey. Rededication ceremony |
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Last four days on Earth? |
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If I had a dick, |
| 00:09:38 |
- We can do the next best thing. |
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Let's kill people. |
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Oh, not you. |
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The greater Illinois Chapter |
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will be holding its |
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against the Cook County... |
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Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00. |
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Today's second collection |
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to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund. |
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For those of you |
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an unidentified homeless man... |
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who was accosted and severely beaten |
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lies in critical, but stable condition |
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He lacks identification... |
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and police have had no luck tracking |
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The archbishop of the Trenton diocese |
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to remove the indigent man |
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asking that Catholics |
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join in this protest against euthanasia. |
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Well, now please rise |
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We believe in one God, |
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Maker of Heaven and Earth. |
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We believe in Jesus Christ, |
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Choose life! |
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You're gonna burn in Hell, |
| 00:11:00 |
Holy shit. It's the pope. |
| 00:11:01 |
- Huh? |
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What are you talking about? |
| 00:11:14 |
Jesus! You're a Catholic. |
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They hate me more than you, |
| 00:11:20 |
At least you have an excuse. You're |
| 00:11:22 |
We already used that excuse |
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Where were you yesterday? |
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I went to church. |
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That still kills me, |
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If only they knew your weekly tithing |
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I don't know why I still go, Liz. |
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I can remember going to church |
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Now I sit there every Sunday |
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I don't think I have any faith left. |
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Remember that seminary student |
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The 20-year-old. The one I could |
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The point is, |
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He said that faith |
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When you're young, the glass is little, |
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As you get older, |
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The same amount of liquid |
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But periodically |
| 00:12:13 |
You're suggesting I need |
| 00:12:15 |
In more ways than one. |
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You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. |
| 00:12:21 |
It's been my experience that |
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not even for ten minutes |
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That sounds militant. Are you thinking |
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Couldn't do it. |
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Then you need to go back to church |
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I think God is dead. |
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The sign of a true Catholic. |
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Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds. |
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I'm from the EPA. |
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We're checking on possible |
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Tell me, |
| 00:13:01 |
Yes, we have central air. |
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In every room? |
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Except the bathroom. |
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Well, you do know |
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Move! |
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No pleasure, no rapture, |
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than central air. |
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Pick that up. |
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This will be the base of operations |
| 00:13:45 |
Now, if I remember |
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the powers... |
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will attempt to contact |
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I need you three... |
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to shuffle her loose |
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Go. |
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Behold the Metatron! |
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Herald of the Almighty |
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Behold the Metatron! |
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Herald of the Almighty |
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Sweet Jesus! |
| 00:15:09 |
Who the fuck are you and |
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I'm the one that's soaked and she's |
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Stupid fucking... |
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Get the fuck out of here, |
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Or you'll do what exactly? |
| 00:15:22 |
Hit me with that fish? |
| 00:15:30 |
Now, just sit down on the bed |
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Jesus wept! |
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Look at my suit. |
| 00:15:39 |
Just take whatever you want, |
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Give over! I couldn't rape you |
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See? |
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I'm as anatomically-impaired |
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Make yourself useful |
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You bottom-feeders |
| 00:16:01 |
You think everybody's just trying |
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What are you? |
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I'm pissed off is what I am. |
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Do you drench everyone who comes in your |
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No wonder you're single. |
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Stand back. |
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As I was sayin'... |
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prior to your fire-fighting episode... |
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I am the Metatron. |
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Don't tell me the name |
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You people. |
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If there isn't a movie about it, |
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I am a seraphim. |
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The highest choir of angels. |
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You do know what an angel is, |
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Metatron acts as the voice of God. |
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Any documented occasion when some yahoo |
| 00:17:12 |
they're speaking to me. |
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Or they're talking to themselves. |
| 00:17:19 |
Why doesn't God speak for Himself? |
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Glad you decided to join |
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human beings have neither the aural, |
| 00:17:28 |
to withstand the awesome power |
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Were you to hear it, your mind would |
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We went through five Adams |
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Well, how do I know |
| 00:17:43 |
Aside from the fiery entrance |
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You want more proof? |
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Fine. |
| 00:17:54 |
How about tequila? |
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- Where the hell are we? |
| 00:18:07 |
Dos tequilas, por favor, |
| 00:18:12 |
We're in Mexico? |
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Actually, we're in a franchised |
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down the street |
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it's impressive nonetheless. |
| 00:18:20 |
You don't mind I lost the wings, do you? |
| 00:18:25 |
What do you want with me? |
| 00:18:29 |
I am to charge you |
| 00:18:33 |
For the record, |
| 00:18:37 |
Noah was a drunk. |
| 00:18:39 |
And no one's asking you to build an ark. |
| 00:18:43 |
and visit a small church |
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New Jersey? |
| 00:18:53 |
That doesn't sound like |
| 00:18:55 |
Aside from the fine print, |
| 00:18:57 |
What's the fine print? |
| 00:19:01 |
Stop a couple of angels from entering |
| 00:19:03 |
Wait, wait, wait. |
| 00:19:06 |
Stop a couple of angels |
| 00:19:09 |
and thus negating all existence. |
| 00:19:12 |
I hate it when people |
| 00:19:15 |
You might want to clarify that. |
| 00:19:18 |
Back in the old days, |
| 00:19:22 |
And His wrath was bore... |
| 00:19:24 |
by the Angel of Death, |
| 00:19:28 |
When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed... |
| 00:19:30 |
that was Loki. |
| 00:19:31 |
When the waters wiped out everything |
| 00:19:35 |
that was Loki... |
| 00:19:38 |
But one day... |
| 00:19:40 |
he refused to bear God's wrath |
| 00:19:44 |
- Why? |
| 00:19:47 |
a Grigori |
| 00:19:49 |
Grigori? |
| 00:19:50 |
One of the choirs of angels. |
| 00:19:53 |
Guess what they do. |
| 00:19:55 |
So one day, Loki's wiping out |
| 00:19:59 |
The Tenth Plague. |
| 00:20:02 |
Tell a person that you're the Metatron |
| 00:20:05 |
Mention something out of |
| 00:20:07 |
and suddenly everybody's |
| 00:20:09 |
May I continue uninterrupted? |
| 00:20:11 |
Once he's done with the firstborn... |
| 00:20:13 |
Loki takes his friend Bartleby out |
| 00:20:18 |
And over many rounds... |
| 00:20:21 |
they get into |
| 00:20:23 |
whether or not murder |
| 00:20:25 |
And in the end... |
| 00:20:26 |
Bartleby convinces Loki |
| 00:20:30 |
and take one which doesn't |
| 00:20:33 |
So... |
| 00:20:36 |
very inebriated... |
| 00:20:38 |
Loki tells God he quits... |
| 00:20:41 |
throws down his fiery sword... |
| 00:20:43 |
and gives Him the finger. |
| 00:20:45 |
Which ruins it for the rest of us |
| 00:20:48 |
God decreed that angels |
| 00:20:52 |
Hence all the spitting. |
| 00:20:54 |
So, for their insolence... |
| 00:20:56 |
God decreed that neither Loki |
| 00:20:59 |
would ever be allowed |
| 00:21:01 |
- Were they sent to Hell? |
| 00:21:03 |
Wisconsin... |
| 00:21:05 |
for the entire span |
| 00:21:08 |
And when the world ends, they'll have to |
| 00:21:12 |
And this has what to do with me? |
| 00:21:14 |
Someone has clued them in |
| 00:21:18 |
that would allow them |
| 00:21:21 |
So what? They beat the system. |
| 00:21:24 |
It's not that simple. |
| 00:21:26 |
If they get in, |
| 00:21:31 |
Now listen closely because |
| 00:21:35 |
Existence in all its form |
| 00:21:40 |
function solely on one principle... |
| 00:21:43 |
God is infallible. |
| 00:21:46 |
To prove Him wrong... |
| 00:21:48 |
would undo reality |
| 00:21:51 |
Up would become down, |
| 00:21:54 |
Existence would become nothingness. |
| 00:21:57 |
In essence... |
| 00:22:00 |
if they're allowed to enter |
| 00:22:04 |
they'll unmake the world. |
| 00:22:08 |
If this is so major, |
| 00:22:10 |
- Why doesn't God do something about it? |
| 00:22:13 |
But He'd rather see you |
| 00:22:17 |
Why me? |
| 00:22:18 |
Because of who you are. |
| 00:22:21 |
And who am I? |
| 00:22:23 |
The girl in the pj's! |
| 00:22:25 |
Don't ask so many questions. |
| 00:22:29 |
I'm gonna have to pass. |
| 00:22:31 |
I beg your pardon? |
| 00:22:33 |
When some quiet little infection |
| 00:22:37 |
When my husband decided... |
| 00:22:39 |
he couldn't be with a wife |
| 00:22:41 |
where was God? |
| 00:22:45 |
To Hell with Him. |
| 00:22:46 |
Don't allow eons of history and life |
| 00:22:51 |
just because you've got a grudge |
| 00:22:53 |
So you lost the ability |
| 00:22:56 |
You're being offered the chance |
| 00:22:59 |
by acting like one |
| 00:23:02 |
saving it! |
| 00:23:06 |
But I can't make you. |
| 00:23:09 |
However, if you should decide |
| 00:23:12 |
and accept your responsibility... |
| 00:23:14 |
you won't be alone. |
| 00:23:16 |
You'll have support. |
| 00:23:18 |
What? More angels? |
| 00:23:20 |
Prophets. |
| 00:23:23 |
In a manner of speaking. |
| 00:23:29 |
The one who speaks... |
| 00:23:32 |
and he will, at great length, |
| 00:23:35 |
will make mention of himself |
| 00:23:37 |
The other one... |
| 00:23:40 |
well, he's the quiet type. |
| 00:23:42 |
Look, I've gotta go. |
| 00:23:43 |
Remember, we're working |
| 00:23:50 |
What's He like? |
| 00:23:51 |
God? |
| 00:23:54 |
Lonely... |
| 00:23:56 |
but funny. |
| 00:23:58 |
He's got a great sense of humor. |
| 00:24:00 |
Take sex, for example. |
| 00:24:02 |
than the ridiculous faces |
| 00:24:05 |
Sex is a joke in Heaven? |
| 00:24:07 |
The way I understand it, |
| 00:24:11 |
I'll see ya. |
| 00:26:15 |
Snootch to the motherfucking nootch! |
| 00:26:54 |
Go back to your paper routes, |
| 00:26:59 |
Snoogans. |
| 00:27:01 |
I know they were just kids, but we |
| 00:27:11 |
I don't know what to say |
| 00:27:13 |
That you'll offer us sex |
| 00:27:15 |
That I'd like to know |
| 00:27:18 |
I'm Jay, and this is |
| 00:27:21 |
I don't know who those kids were, |
| 00:27:24 |
and Lunchbox's asses |
| 00:27:27 |
Thanks for being |
| 00:27:30 |
Wait a minute. |
| 00:27:32 |
You mean those dickheads with the signs |
| 00:27:35 |
Shit no! |
| 00:27:38 |
A woman's body |
| 00:27:40 |
But what are you doing |
| 00:27:42 |
We're here to pick up chicks. |
| 00:27:44 |
Excuse me? |
| 00:27:46 |
We figure abortion clinics are |
| 00:27:49 |
Why else would they be here |
| 00:27:53 |
Right. |
| 00:27:55 |
Well, I should be going. |
| 00:27:58 |
- I think. |
| 00:28:00 |
We just saved your ass, |
| 00:28:02 |
What the shit is that? |
| 00:28:04 |
I had a weird night last night and |
| 00:28:07 |
I think I should go home, |
| 00:28:12 |
Now how about that shit? |
| 00:28:15 |
I'm goin' back to Jersey |
| 00:28:18 |
I can kick the shit out of kids |
| 00:28:22 |
Prophets. Two of 'em. |
| 00:28:25 |
- You know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob? |
| 00:28:28 |
We call this piece "The Fecalator." |
| 00:28:31 |
One look at it and the target |
| 00:28:34 |
Try it on. |
| 00:28:36 |
It's a lot more compact than the flaming |
| 00:28:41 |
It doesn't have that |
| 00:28:44 |
How am I supposed to strike fear into |
| 00:28:48 |
Look at this. |
| 00:28:49 |
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. |
| 00:28:54 |
Easy for you to say. |
| 00:28:57 |
You got to stand there and read |
| 00:29:00 |
I had to do all the work. |
| 00:29:02 |
What work did you do? |
| 00:29:05 |
I rained down sulfur. |
| 00:29:08 |
Okay, I'm sure. |
| 00:29:09 |
Fuck you. Any moron with a pack |
| 00:29:13 |
Raining down sulfur |
| 00:29:15 |
Mass genocide is the most |
| 00:29:18 |
next to soccer. |
| 00:29:21 |
I'll take this one. |
| 00:29:36 |
So, what's up? You have a friend for |
| 00:29:40 |
If so, I'm first. |
| 00:29:42 |
You're a man of principle. |
| 00:29:45 |
Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. |
| 00:29:48 |
Some fuck named John Hughes. |
| 00:29:51 |
Sixteen Candles John Hughes? |
| 00:29:53 |
You know that guy too? |
| 00:29:57 |
He made this flick Sixteen Candles. |
| 00:30:00 |
There's tits in it, but no bush. |
| 00:30:02 |
But Ebert over here don't give |
| 00:30:05 |
because he's like in love |
| 00:30:07 |
He goes out and rents |
| 00:30:09 |
Fuckin' Breakfast Club, where stupid |
| 00:30:14 |
Fuckin' Weird Science, where this babe |
| 00:30:18 |
but, oh, no, she don't, |
| 00:30:21 |
And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't |
| 00:30:25 |
because when the redhead hooks up |
| 00:30:29 |
he starts sobbin' like a little bitch |
| 00:30:32 |
And there's nothing worse |
| 00:30:36 |
What exactly brought you |
| 00:30:38 |
All these movies take place in this |
| 00:30:42 |
where all the honeys are top-shelf |
| 00:30:46 |
Except for Judd Nelson. |
| 00:30:49 |
But best of all... |
| 00:30:50 |
there was no one dealin', man. |
| 00:30:52 |
Then it hits me. |
| 00:30:55 |
if we were the blunt connection |
| 00:30:57 |
So we collected some money |
| 00:31:01 |
But you know what the fuck |
| 00:31:04 |
There is no Shermer, Illinois. |
| 00:31:07 |
Movies are fuckin' bullshit. |
| 00:31:09 |
- When are you going back to New Jersey? |
| 00:31:13 |
- Tomorrow. |
| 00:31:16 |
Yeah. So you do anal? |
| 00:31:18 |
Is it true that chicks fart |
| 00:31:21 |
I didn't ask you out for sex. |
| 00:31:23 |
I'll take head. |
| 00:31:27 |
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't |
| 00:31:33 |
I think I should go with you. |
| 00:31:35 |
Like steady? |
| 00:31:39 |
All right, but Silent Bob gets |
| 00:31:42 |
No. I wanna go with you |
| 00:31:45 |
Really? |
| 00:31:46 |
You're going to lead me somewhere. |
| 00:31:48 |
Me lead you? |
| 00:31:50 |
Lady, look at me. I don't even know |
| 00:31:53 |
If we're not gonna fuck, then what |
| 00:31:56 |
Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd |
| 00:32:00 |
What the hell are you babbling about? |
| 00:32:02 |
We saved your ass from |
| 00:32:05 |
and now we're supposed to take you |
| 00:32:11 |
Do you believe in God? |
| 00:32:14 |
Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches |
| 00:32:17 |
and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? |
| 00:32:19 |
- Let's get the fuck out of here. |
| 00:32:21 |
- I'll scream rape. |
| 00:32:23 |
Pay? |
| 00:32:28 |
A hundred bucks |
| 00:32:30 |
You were going to Jersey anyway. |
| 00:32:34 |
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, |
| 00:32:37 |
and we're in that fucked-up bar! |
| 00:32:40 |
What about sex? |
| 00:32:41 |
No sex. |
| 00:32:45 |
Let's say we're caught in a situation |
| 00:32:49 |
A bomb or something's gonna go off. |
| 00:32:52 |
In that highly unlikely situation? |
| 00:32:58 |
Yeah, sure. |
| 00:33:00 |
She's a slut. |
| 00:33:04 |
All right. |
| 00:33:08 |
But I get to drive. |
| 00:33:19 |
What gear are you in? |
| 00:33:21 |
Gear? |
| 00:33:31 |
What do I know about shiftin'? |
| 00:33:38 |
Like I ever drove before. |
| 00:33:44 |
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania... |
| 00:33:46 |
New Jersey. |
| 00:33:47 |
Maybe you're wrong |
| 00:33:50 |
How can you be sure what incurs the |
| 00:33:54 |
I remember eating meat on a Friday |
| 00:33:58 |
The major sins never change. |
| 00:34:02 |
Besides, I can spot |
| 00:34:06 |
Bet on it. |
| 00:34:08 |
This from the guy who still owes me |
| 00:34:11 |
about which was gonna be the bigger |
| 00:34:14 |
Fuck you, man, |
| 00:34:21 |
Are you insinuating that I don't have |
| 00:34:25 |
Insinuating, no. |
| 00:34:26 |
Flat-out telling you. |
| 00:34:32 |
Right there. |
| 00:34:34 |
So? They're kissing. |
| 00:34:37 |
Adultery. |
| 00:34:38 |
- Adultery? |
| 00:34:40 |
You are just a simple creature. |
| 00:34:42 |
- Am I right? |
| 00:34:45 |
I'm not gonna tell you. I want to see |
| 00:34:48 |
- What's your proof? |
| 00:34:51 |
And it never occurred to you |
| 00:34:53 |
No married man kisses |
| 00:34:56 |
Okay. It's a good thing |
| 00:34:59 |
the deciding member on a jury |
| 00:35:02 |
"No married man kisses |
| 00:35:06 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:35:09 |
Are you married? |
| 00:35:11 |
Why? |
| 00:35:13 |
I'm just curious. |
| 00:35:14 |
What do you think? |
| 00:35:25 |
- What? |
| 00:35:28 |
- What? |
| 00:35:30 |
Not that it's any of |
| 00:35:33 |
Why? |
| 00:36:20 |
Whose house |
| 00:36:22 |
Run's house |
| 00:36:25 |
I said, whose house |
| 00:36:27 |
Run's house |
| 00:36:29 |
Whose house |
| 00:36:32 |
Run's house |
| 00:36:34 |
Martin |
| 00:36:40 |
She's fuckin' pissed, dude. |
| 00:36:43 |
Maybe you, |
| 00:36:45 |
Let me know how she is. |
| 00:36:47 |
Nobody is fucking me! |
| 00:36:51 |
I don't know what I was thinking |
| 00:36:53 |
but being that I've decided to go home, |
| 00:36:57 |
sorry for the inconvenience |
| 00:37:00 |
You're breaking up with us? |
| 00:37:03 |
Who the hell do you think |
| 00:37:05 |
You can't just go around |
| 00:37:08 |
I fell in love with you! |
| 00:37:11 |
Guys like us just don't fall out |
| 00:37:23 |
Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women |
| 00:37:40 |
No heartbeat. |
| 00:37:42 |
Think someone threw him out of a plane |
| 00:37:45 |
like in Con Air? |
| 00:37:46 |
- Did you ever see that flick? |
| 00:37:49 |
- Con Air? Con Shit. |
| 00:37:52 |
- Sounds familiar. |
| 00:37:55 |
Yeah, it's Rufus. |
| 00:37:57 |
He's the fucking undead! |
| 00:37:59 |
What I just did gave me |
| 00:38:02 |
So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna |
| 00:38:07 |
Speaking of which, |
| 00:38:09 |
- Rufus, is it? |
| 00:38:12 |
It's usually Long Rufus, but it's |
| 00:38:16 |
Big Papa, how about lending a brother |
| 00:38:22 |
Dude, he fell out of thin air. |
| 00:38:25 |
Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing |
| 00:38:28 |
- Dude! |
| 00:38:32 |
I'll do my best to tuck it back. |
| 00:38:34 |
It's been a while since physics |
| 00:38:37 |
the impact with which you hit |
| 00:38:40 |
Death is a worry of the living. |
| 00:38:42 |
The dead, like myself, only worry |
| 00:38:45 |
- Told you he was the undead. |
| 00:38:48 |
I died. |
| 00:38:49 |
Christ told me the secret |
| 00:38:52 |
We were at this wedding in Caanan. |
| 00:38:55 |
Wait, wait, wait. |
| 00:38:57 |
Christ? |
| 00:38:59 |
You knew Christ? |
| 00:39:01 |
Knew him? |
| 00:39:03 |
Let me guess. |
| 00:39:05 |
- You're another angel? |
| 00:39:08 |
I'm a man, just like you and him. |
| 00:39:11 |
At least I was a man. |
| 00:39:12 |
Been dead nearly 2,000 years. |
| 00:39:17 |
No wonder he saw Jesus. |
| 00:39:20 |
It's not a joint. |
| 00:39:22 |
I can't read this. |
| 00:39:25 |
It's Aramaic. It says, |
| 00:39:30 |
Freaked me out because He basically |
| 00:39:33 |
Took all the flavor out of the |
| 00:39:36 |
Let's say we continue this discussion |
| 00:39:40 |
I'm starvin'. |
| 00:39:42 |
Wait a second! |
| 00:39:45 |
Between guys with wings, |
| 00:39:47 |
and guys trying like hell |
| 00:39:50 |
I think I've been a pretty good sport |
| 00:39:53 |
But I'm not going anywhere until |
| 00:39:56 |
Me? I came from Heaven. |
| 00:39:58 |
Now let's start walkin'. |
| 00:40:00 |
Walk? Fuck you! Do you know |
| 00:40:03 |
Hey, man, back in the old days |
| 00:40:07 |
Did you ever hear of |
| 00:40:14 |
What the hell's an apostle? |
| 00:40:40 |
Let me get this straight. |
| 00:40:41 |
She's already met the prophets... |
| 00:40:44 |
and the apostle's with them? |
| 00:40:49 |
I think that our best course |
| 00:40:51 |
is to ensure that our parcel |
| 00:40:55 |
And being that I can't even |
| 00:41:01 |
well, I'm left with no choice... |
| 00:41:03 |
but to seek outside assistance |
| 00:41:11 |
I'm gonna have to summon |
| 00:41:16 |
I appreciate the loan, brother. |
| 00:41:19 |
Man, I remember when all we used to have |
| 00:41:22 |
- What do you call this shit? |
| 00:41:25 |
Now, how 'bout you start explaining |
| 00:41:28 |
how did you know |
| 00:41:29 |
Do you know what the dead do |
| 00:41:32 |
Watch the living. |
| 00:41:35 |
I can't wait to die. |
| 00:41:36 |
And why are you watching me? |
| 00:41:38 |
Because you're the one who's gonna |
| 00:41:41 |
in that book |
| 00:41:43 |
- Hustler? |
| 00:41:45 |
- What's your beef with the Bible? |
| 00:41:49 |
Neither are any of us, but you |
| 00:41:51 |
But I'm supposed to be in it. |
| 00:41:56 |
I've gone to church my whole life and |
| 00:42:00 |
But you heard of |
| 00:42:03 |
They were all white boys, I might add. |
| 00:42:07 |
And why is that? |
| 00:42:09 |
But you know what? |
| 00:42:12 |
I'm mainly here to correct a major error |
| 00:42:16 |
- What's that? |
| 00:42:20 |
I don't buy it. |
| 00:42:21 |
If that's true, why did He get |
| 00:42:25 |
Well, He is the Son of God. |
| 00:42:28 |
Kind of hard to have |
| 00:42:30 |
So you fudge a few facts, |
| 00:42:33 |
Leaving me out is okay 'cause you |
| 00:42:36 |
- Are you gonna listen to this shit? |
| 00:42:40 |
right before they stoned my ass. |
| 00:42:42 |
You were martyred? |
| 00:42:43 |
That's one way of puttin' it. |
| 00:42:45 |
Another way is to say I was bludgeoned |
| 00:42:48 |
White folks only wanna hear |
| 00:42:51 |
life eternal, |
| 00:42:54 |
But as soon as you hear |
| 00:42:56 |
from a black Jesus, ya freak. |
| 00:42:58 |
And that, my friends, |
| 00:43:00 |
A black man can steal your stereo, |
| 00:43:05 |
You gonna eat that hash brown? |
| 00:43:08 |
So, you went to Heaven? |
| 00:43:09 |
Damn right I went to Heaven! |
| 00:43:13 |
In the three years I followed His ass |
| 00:43:16 |
Hell no. |
| 00:43:20 |
I could have been knee-deep |
| 00:43:22 |
not to mention fine-ass |
| 00:43:25 |
She had a thing for dark meat, |
| 00:43:27 |
Maybe this is just me talking, |
| 00:43:30 |
I wouldn't care what the Bible said |
| 00:43:33 |
The message is what counts. |
| 00:43:35 |
But folks who build their faith |
| 00:43:39 |
And all my rabble-rousing |
| 00:43:42 |
So I'm gonna need |
| 00:43:44 |
That's why I'm gonna help you stop those |
| 00:43:48 |
in exchange for you helping me |
| 00:43:51 |
How do you know about that, |
| 00:43:54 |
- Isn't much I don't know about you. |
| 00:43:57 |
When you were five, you let a kid |
| 00:44:01 |
You did that shit? |
| 00:44:05 |
I never told anybody about that. |
| 00:44:07 |
Neither did he. |
| 00:44:09 |
Two years later, |
| 00:44:12 |
His name was Brian Johnson. |
| 00:44:15 |
Your exploits, |
| 00:44:17 |
are well documented in Heaven. |
| 00:44:19 |
Probably Hell too. |
| 00:44:26 |
Where are you going? |
| 00:44:28 |
Tell me somethin' about me. |
| 00:44:30 |
You masturbate more than anyone |
| 00:44:33 |
Fuck. Everyone knows that. |
| 00:44:36 |
When you do it, |
| 00:44:41 |
- Dude, not all the time. |
| 00:44:48 |
Two-thirds of me wants to |
| 00:44:52 |
Yesterday, I wasn't sure |
| 00:44:54 |
Now I'm up to my ass |
| 00:44:58 |
Let me let you in |
| 00:45:02 |
God hates it when |
| 00:45:08 |
Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets" |
| 00:45:15 |
Where did those two assholes go? |
| 00:45:35 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:45:38 |
Proving to this bastard |
| 00:45:40 |
- What? |
| 00:45:42 |
We gotta get movin'. |
| 00:45:44 |
We'll take the train. |
| 00:46:43 |
I thought she looked familiar. |
| 00:46:46 |
- Who? |
| 00:47:01 |
Morning, shoppers. |
| 00:47:02 |
Good morning. |
| 00:47:05 |
- Has anyone seen the overnights? |
| 00:47:09 |
We creamed 'em. |
| 00:47:13 |
Last night was a rerun, |
| 00:47:18 |
Do I smell onions? |
| 00:47:26 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:47:31 |
May I ask what you're doing |
| 00:47:35 |
You may proceed, mon ami. |
| 00:47:41 |
I'm gonna have to start |
| 00:47:43 |
My friend has a bit of a penchant |
| 00:47:46 |
Oh, come on! |
| 00:47:51 |
Relax. I'm doing it. |
| 00:47:55 |
Mooby, the Golden Calf. |
| 00:47:58 |
Created by Nancy Goldruff, |
| 00:48:02 |
Bought by the Complex Corporation |
| 00:48:05 |
Broadcast nationally |
| 00:48:09 |
Since its inception, |
| 00:48:13 |
16 records, |
| 00:48:17 |
and a library |
| 00:48:22 |
Not to mention |
| 00:48:26 |
dubbed "Mooby World." |
| 00:48:29 |
Did I miss anything? |
| 00:48:31 |
You forgot Mooby Magazine. |
| 00:48:33 |
Damn it! |
| 00:48:34 |
Is there a point to this? |
| 00:48:36 |
You and your board are idolaters. |
| 00:48:42 |
I can't believe you forgot |
| 00:48:47 |
That's you. |
| 00:48:50 |
Do you know much about voodoo? |
| 00:48:53 |
That's a fascinating practice. |
| 00:48:57 |
More an arrangement |
| 00:49:00 |
the most well-known of which... |
| 00:49:02 |
is the voodoo doll. |
| 00:49:03 |
You see... |
| 00:49:13 |
a mockup of an individual |
| 00:49:16 |
to various pokes and prods. |
| 00:49:18 |
The desired result is that |
| 00:49:23 |
Call security, now! |
| 00:49:29 |
All lines are currently down. |
| 00:49:32 |
- I'm gonna have to apologize... |
| 00:49:34 |
You're doing it again. |
| 00:49:38 |
You are responsible |
| 00:49:41 |
which draws worship |
| 00:49:43 |
You have broken |
| 00:49:46 |
More than that, |
| 00:49:49 |
passes for a decent human being. |
| 00:49:51 |
Your continued existence |
| 00:49:56 |
Like you, Mr. Burton. |
| 00:49:58 |
Last year, you cheated on your wife |
| 00:50:02 |
You even had sex |
| 00:50:04 |
while you were supposed to be home |
| 00:50:08 |
In the bed that you |
| 00:50:12 |
Mr. Newman. |
| 00:50:13 |
You got your girlfriend drunk |
| 00:50:16 |
and then paid a kid |
| 00:50:18 |
to have sex with her |
| 00:50:21 |
just so you could break up |
| 00:50:24 |
when she sobbingly confessed |
| 00:50:27 |
She killed herself |
| 00:50:30 |
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. |
| 00:50:33 |
Very compassionate. |
| 00:50:35 |
Mr. Ray put his mother |
| 00:50:38 |
and used the profits |
| 00:50:42 |
to buy an Oriental rug for himself. |
| 00:50:46 |
Heavens. |
| 00:50:47 |
Mr. Barker flew to Thailand |
| 00:50:50 |
to have sex |
| 00:50:54 |
Mr. Holtzman okayed the production |
| 00:50:57 |
from materials he knew |
| 00:51:00 |
because it was... survey says... |
| 00:51:04 |
less costly. |
| 00:51:06 |
You, on the other hand... |
| 00:51:09 |
are an innocent. |
| 00:51:11 |
You lead a good life. |
| 00:51:13 |
Good for you. |
| 00:51:15 |
But you, Mr. Whitland... |
| 00:51:18 |
you have more skeletons |
| 00:51:20 |
than this assembled party. |
| 00:51:22 |
I cannot even mention them aloud. |
| 00:51:29 |
You're his father, |
| 00:51:36 |
- Good. |
| 00:51:37 |
That's great work. |
| 00:51:40 |
Well... |
| 00:51:43 |
alone at last. |
| 00:51:45 |
With the exception of Miss Pryce here... |
| 00:51:48 |
there isn't a decent human being |
| 00:51:52 |
Not one. |
| 00:51:54 |
Do you know what makes |
| 00:51:57 |
Fear. |
| 00:51:59 |
And therein lies the problem. |
| 00:52:01 |
None of you has anything |
| 00:52:04 |
You rest comfortably in seats |
| 00:52:07 |
hiding behind your false idol, |
| 00:52:11 |
lives shrouded in secrecy, |
| 00:52:16 |
But not from God. |
| 00:52:23 |
Forgot my little voodoo doll. |
| 00:52:27 |
Man, it really looks |
| 00:52:31 |
Look, if I believed enough in this... |
| 00:52:34 |
I wonder... |
| 00:52:53 |
Come on. |
| 00:53:00 |
Voodoo. |
| 00:53:09 |
But I do believe in this. |
| 00:53:12 |
Don't run! Don't run! |
| 00:53:14 |
Fakes! Fakes! |
| 00:53:20 |
"But I do believe in this." |
| 00:53:22 |
What does that mean? |
| 00:53:24 |
And one to grow on. |
| 00:53:31 |
Gum? |
| 00:53:34 |
Go on. It's okay. |
| 00:53:36 |
You've done nothing wrong. |
| 00:53:38 |
These guys were fakes. |
| 00:53:41 |
You're a pure soul. |
| 00:53:45 |
But you didn't say "God bless you" |
| 00:53:49 |
Loki! |
| 00:53:53 |
You're getting off light. |
| 00:53:54 |
- Loki! |
| 00:54:00 |
You're so lucky. |
| 00:54:06 |
I forgot you were down here. |
| 00:54:09 |
Three years this August. |
| 00:54:10 |
Let me guess... the 14th Apostle, left |
| 00:54:14 |
This girl's no woman. |
| 00:54:15 |
Oh. Those weren't tits |
| 00:54:19 |
What, these? |
| 00:54:20 |
You should know better than anyone here |
| 00:54:25 |
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing |
| 00:54:27 |
What traditionally defines a woman |
| 00:54:31 |
her legs. |
| 00:54:32 |
But as you can see... |
| 00:54:35 |
I lack definition. |
| 00:54:37 |
Hey, they're gettin' a free show! |
| 00:54:41 |
Oh, God, |
| 00:54:44 |
How do you... |
| 00:54:46 |
This is the last scion. |
| 00:54:49 |
You're kidding. |
| 00:54:52 |
Wow. |
| 00:54:54 |
I'm confused. |
| 00:54:55 |
Bethany, Serendipity here |
| 00:54:59 |
Nor is she, by any means, |
| 00:55:03 |
- I used to be an abstract. |
| 00:55:07 |
I'm a muse, stupid. |
| 00:55:09 |
I can't take much more of this. |
| 00:55:12 |
So you, what, inspire people? |
| 00:55:14 |
What just went down |
| 00:55:17 |
It doesn't really take a muse to inspire |
| 00:55:20 |
I used to specialize |
| 00:55:22 |
For example, I'm responsible for 19 of |
| 00:55:27 |
- Nineteen? |
| 00:55:30 |
The one about the kid |
| 00:55:33 |
burglars trying to come in |
| 00:55:36 |
I had nothing to do |
| 00:55:38 |
Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get |
| 00:56:01 |
What are you doing stripping? |
| 00:56:03 |
Remember why I left? |
| 00:56:05 |
Because you were tired of getting |
| 00:56:08 |
So I opted to quit being a muse |
| 00:56:12 |
I gave my two weeks notice, |
| 00:56:16 |
and got sent out into the world |
| 00:56:19 |
So what happened? |
| 00:56:22 |
Writer's block. |
| 00:56:23 |
Can you believe it? |
| 00:56:26 |
I can inspire anyone I meet and give out |
| 00:56:30 |
but I can't keep any for myself. |
| 00:56:34 |
Her quirky sense of humor. |
| 00:56:36 |
- Whose? |
| 00:56:39 |
- You're saying God's a woman? |
| 00:56:42 |
He's always referred to as "Him." |
| 00:56:44 |
That's not how I wrote it. |
| 00:56:45 |
But one of the drawbacks |
| 00:56:47 |
is that you have no say |
| 00:56:50 |
The people that held the pens |
| 00:56:53 |
and all the penholders were men. |
| 00:56:56 |
So She became a He. |
| 00:57:00 |
The whole book's gender-biased. |
| 00:57:02 |
A woman's responsible |
| 00:57:04 |
A woman cuts Samson coif of power. |
| 00:57:07 |
A woman asks for the head |
| 00:57:10 |
Read that book again. |
| 00:57:12 |
Women are painted as bigger antagonists |
| 00:57:15 |
It stinks. |
| 00:57:23 |
Why is the last scion here? |
| 00:57:24 |
Bartleby and Loki. |
| 00:57:27 |
- Not the plenary indulgence loophole. |
| 00:57:31 |
I always knew that thing |
| 00:57:34 |
Leave it to the Catholics |
| 00:57:36 |
You have issues with Catholicism, |
| 00:57:38 |
I have issues with anyone who treats God |
| 00:57:42 |
like some Catholics. |
| 00:57:43 |
You people don't celebrate your faith, |
| 00:57:46 |
- If we're wrong, what religion is right? |
| 00:57:51 |
No denomination's nailed it yet... |
| 00:57:53 |
because they're all |
| 00:57:55 |
that it doesn't matter what you have |
| 00:58:00 |
Your hearts are in the right place, |
| 00:58:07 |
They made me and Silent Bob |
| 00:58:16 |
Who fuckin' farted? |
| 00:58:19 |
Not born. |
| 00:58:26 |
Sweet Christ, |
| 00:58:29 |
- What is that thing? |
| 00:58:31 |
- The Golgothan. |
| 00:58:34 |
A shit demon! |
| 00:58:35 |
No man of woman born! |
| 00:58:40 |
- Friend of yours? |
| 00:58:43 |
It came for Bethany! |
| 00:58:45 |
Smoke that motherfucker |
| 00:58:48 |
I knew I's gonna |
| 00:58:50 |
Get your fuckin' hand back. |
| 00:58:52 |
Represent! |
| 00:58:55 |
Go! Go! Go! |
| 00:59:18 |
Looks like we're in charge |
| 00:59:22 |
Over the bar! |
| 00:59:33 |
- Where did that thing come from? |
| 00:59:37 |
The hill where Christ |
| 00:59:39 |
It wasn't just Christ. |
| 00:59:42 |
Christ excluded, they were criminals... |
| 00:59:45 |
Whenever the crucified expired, |
| 00:59:48 |
spilling bowel and bladder |
| 00:59:51 |
the result of which |
| 00:59:54 |
the Golgothan shit demon, |
| 00:59:57 |
It's here for you, girlie. |
| 01:00:04 |
- Bob, get down! |
| 01:00:39 |
- Hey, man. |
| 01:00:43 |
"Knocks strong odors out." |
| 01:00:45 |
- Way to go, biggie. |
| 01:00:50 |
What? |
| 01:00:52 |
Whoever sent this might send more. |
| 01:00:54 |
I suggest you take the princess |
| 01:00:58 |
I'll try to get something |
| 01:01:00 |
If he tells me something, |
| 01:01:04 |
Hello. We'd like two tickets |
| 01:01:07 |
Jersey's sold out, sir. |
| 01:01:08 |
- What? |
| 01:01:11 |
Don't underestimate the staggering |
| 01:01:15 |
Show up two hours in advance. |
| 01:01:20 |
Nice. |
| 01:01:21 |
Your hard-on for smiting |
| 01:01:24 |
what ought to be the relatively simple |
| 01:01:28 |
Bus, schmuss. |
| 01:01:30 |
Why should we fall victim to gravity |
| 01:01:35 |
- You mean fly? |
| 01:01:37 |
Fuck, let's use 'em! |
| 01:01:39 |
I wouldn't suggest that. |
| 01:01:43 |
You see, kids... |
| 01:01:45 |
you wouldn't want to look like |
| 01:01:54 |
How'd you get out of Hell? |
| 01:01:56 |
I told them I was coming up |
| 01:01:58 |
I don't have much time. If they figure |
| 01:02:02 |
- What's with bringing us in here? |
| 01:02:05 |
Going around killing people, |
| 01:02:09 |
Don't you know what's going on? |
| 01:02:11 |
Well, we're going home. |
| 01:02:13 |
Really. Are you so clueless as to think |
| 01:02:18 |
- Why not? |
| 01:02:20 |
Both sides. |
| 01:02:23 |
Orders are to terminate you |
| 01:02:26 |
- Really? |
| 01:02:27 |
Because you're pissing people off, |
| 01:02:31 |
Word is that God's pissed off |
| 01:02:33 |
and I know Lucifer's pissed because |
| 01:02:37 |
by succeeding |
| 01:02:39 |
- So they're just gonna kill us? |
| 01:02:42 |
That's why you have to travel |
| 01:02:45 |
Tone down your behavior. |
| 01:02:48 |
Quit killing people. |
| 01:02:50 |
- Oh, lighten up. |
| 01:02:53 |
Oh, believe it, boys. |
| 01:02:56 |
They've even got the last scion |
| 01:02:58 |
- Really? |
| 01:03:00 |
This is huge. Your reentry |
| 01:03:03 |
They'll stop at nothing |
| 01:03:05 |
In the meantime, I suggest you find |
| 01:03:09 |
If anything else comes up, |
| 01:03:11 |
Thank you, Azrael. |
| 01:03:14 |
I have to get back to the pit |
| 01:03:17 |
And remember, incognito. |
| 01:03:25 |
How you coping, kid? |
| 01:03:28 |
It's weird. |
| 01:03:30 |
Just when I think |
| 01:03:32 |
something wholly unbelievable |
| 01:03:36 |
Sometimes I wish |
| 01:03:38 |
You sound like the Man. |
| 01:03:41 |
What's he like? |
| 01:03:42 |
He likes to listen to people talk. |
| 01:03:45 |
Christ loved to sit around the fire, |
| 01:03:49 |
Whenever we were going on |
| 01:03:51 |
he always had a smile |
| 01:03:53 |
His only real beef with mankind... |
| 01:03:55 |
is the shit that gets carried out |
| 01:03:59 |
Wars, bigotry, televangelism. |
| 01:04:02 |
The big one, though, |
| 01:04:06 |
He said mankind |
| 01:04:08 |
by taking a good idea |
| 01:04:12 |
You're saying having beliefs |
| 01:04:14 |
I just think it's better |
| 01:04:16 |
You can change an idea. |
| 01:04:20 |
People die for it. |
| 01:04:22 |
The whole of existence |
| 01:04:25 |
because of the Catholic belief structure |
| 01:04:30 |
Bartleby and Loki, |
| 01:04:32 |
are exploiting that belief... |
| 01:04:34 |
and if they're successful... |
| 01:04:36 |
you, me, all of this |
| 01:04:40 |
All over a belief. |
| 01:04:44 |
I haven't seen the moron twins |
| 01:04:48 |
One time we were at the mall, |
| 01:04:52 |
and he went flying through the air, |
| 01:04:55 |
It was fucked up. |
| 01:04:56 |
You two aren't getting into |
| 01:04:59 |
We're just about to smoke a fatty |
| 01:05:03 |
who just got on at the last stop... |
| 01:05:08 |
So, Jay tells us |
| 01:05:15 |
Hit this shit, man. |
| 01:05:19 |
Oh, fuck. |
| 01:05:24 |
That's some bad shit, dude. |
| 01:05:26 |
You hit that? |
| 01:05:31 |
Yeah, you're bad, dude. |
| 01:05:36 |
Bad shit. |
| 01:05:38 |
Why are you |
| 01:05:41 |
It's just this thing I have to do. |
| 01:05:44 |
We're going home. |
| 01:05:46 |
Oh. |
| 01:05:49 |
Unfortunately, yes. |
| 01:05:53 |
So, how long have you two |
| 01:05:57 |
A while. |
| 01:05:59 |
He can be pretty flaky sometimes, |
| 01:06:03 |
How'd you meet? |
| 01:06:05 |
We were stationed together. |
| 01:06:06 |
See, that's beautiful. |
| 01:06:09 |
Everybody's always up in arms |
| 01:06:14 |
Pardon? |
| 01:06:15 |
You know, there's all the macho bullshit |
| 01:06:19 |
You two meet there, hook up... |
| 01:06:22 |
You think we're lovers? |
| 01:06:26 |
Oh, God. |
| 01:06:28 |
- I just assumed. |
| 01:06:34 |
My ex-husband sort of screwed up |
| 01:06:37 |
- You're divorced. |
| 01:06:40 |
I call it being dumped. |
| 01:06:42 |
I was... |
| 01:06:44 |
dumped once. |
| 01:06:45 |
Don't you just constantly |
| 01:06:48 |
Like, why was I so easy |
| 01:06:51 |
And you wonder if the other party |
| 01:06:55 |
and call you back. |
| 01:06:56 |
They always tell you |
| 01:07:00 |
When actually... |
| 01:07:02 |
it hurts more. |
| 01:07:07 |
You know what we need? |
| 01:07:09 |
What do we need? |
| 01:07:11 |
We need drinks. |
| 01:07:15 |
We need a lot of drinks. |
| 01:07:18 |
Garçon. |
| 01:07:26 |
You still go to church? |
| 01:07:28 |
Every Sunday. |
| 01:07:31 |
Does it do anything for you? |
| 01:07:33 |
It gives me time to balance |
| 01:07:36 |
That's what I'm saying. People don't |
| 01:07:41 |
They go to church and feel bored... |
| 01:07:43 |
but they keep going every week |
| 01:07:46 |
I am so buzzed. |
| 01:07:50 |
When do you think |
| 01:07:53 |
I remember the exact moment. |
| 01:07:58 |
I was on the phone with my mother... |
| 01:08:02 |
and she was trying to counsel me |
| 01:08:07 |
this thing. |
| 01:08:11 |
And when nothing she was saying |
| 01:08:15 |
she said... |
| 01:08:17 |
"Bethany... |
| 01:08:19 |
God has a plan." |
| 01:08:24 |
I was... I was so angry with her. |
| 01:08:30 |
I was like... |
| 01:08:32 |
"What about my plans?" |
| 01:08:34 |
- You know? |
| 01:08:36 |
I had planned |
| 01:08:39 |
with my husband. |
| 01:08:41 |
Wasn't that plan |
| 01:08:47 |
Apparently not. |
| 01:08:53 |
How about you? |
| 00:00:03 |
One day God just stopped listening. |
| 00:00:07 |
I kept talking, but I got the distinct |
| 00:00:11 |
How did you know She was listening |
| 00:00:17 |
Well, I guess I don't. |
| 00:00:19 |
I hate thoughts like that. |
| 00:00:23 |
But, you know, |
| 00:00:26 |
'Cause when you're a kid you never |
| 00:00:32 |
God's in Heaven, and He's... |
| 00:00:35 |
She's always got her eye on you. |
| 00:00:43 |
I'd give anything |
| 00:00:51 |
Guess that's why |
| 00:01:02 |
Where is this pilgrimage to? |
| 00:01:04 |
- You wouldn't believe me if I told you. |
| 00:01:08 |
All right, but I warned you. |
| 00:01:10 |
Okay. |
| 00:01:12 |
I'm going to this church |
| 00:01:16 |
Really. |
| 00:01:17 |
Kerwood Mandel to car three. |
| 00:01:22 |
See, I'm supposed to stop |
| 00:01:25 |
from going into the church. |
| 00:01:29 |
They're trying... |
| 00:01:31 |
Shit. |
| 00:01:34 |
They're trying |
| 00:01:40 |
See, they got tossed |
| 00:01:43 |
years ago, right? |
| 00:01:45 |
And if they get back in... |
| 00:01:48 |
it proves God wrong... |
| 00:01:50 |
and since God is infallible... |
| 00:01:53 |
to prove Her wrong... |
| 00:01:55 |
would, you know, unmake existence. |
| 00:02:00 |
May I have your attention, please. |
| 00:02:02 |
The dining car will be closing |
| 00:02:06 |
I feel so stupid... |
| 00:02:09 |
just saying it. |
| 00:02:12 |
The thing I don't get is... |
| 00:02:15 |
how am I supposed to stop |
| 00:02:18 |
Two, even! |
| 00:02:24 |
I guess I'm supposed to |
| 00:02:28 |
Maybe you're supposed to kill them. |
| 00:02:30 |
Oh, yeah, right. |
| 00:02:34 |
I mean, even if that were the case, |
| 00:02:40 |
how do you kill an angel, Barry? |
| 00:02:44 |
Oh... |
| 00:02:46 |
I don't suppose |
| 00:02:49 |
killing a human. |
| 00:02:52 |
Where is everybody? |
| 00:02:56 |
- The apostle. |
| 00:02:58 |
Rufus, I want you to meet |
| 00:03:05 |
Don't be such a show-off, Barry. |
| 00:03:07 |
Take it easy, Bartleby. |
| 00:03:10 |
- We can talk about this. |
| 00:03:12 |
After all this time, it comes down |
| 00:03:16 |
Get your fucking hands off me, |
| 00:03:19 |
Save it. Five minutes ago |
| 00:03:22 |
Loki! |
| 00:03:24 |
Holy shit. The apostle. |
| 00:03:25 |
I didn't come in you, Pete, |
| 00:03:27 |
What are you doing here? |
| 00:03:29 |
This woman has to stop two angels |
| 00:03:31 |
- Us? |
| 00:03:33 |
I'd say there's a pretty good chance. |
| 00:03:37 |
You haven't thought about |
| 00:03:40 |
Consequences, schmonsequences. |
| 00:03:42 |
We're going home, |
| 00:03:45 |
- It's not a matter of pride! |
| 00:03:47 |
What are you, high? I can't kill her |
| 00:03:50 |
Fine. |
| 00:03:51 |
I fall asleep |
| 00:03:54 |
- These guys are fuckin' flat-leavers. |
| 00:04:06 |
Oh, shit! |
| 00:04:09 |
Jay! |
| 00:04:12 |
Biggie! |
| 00:04:13 |
The door! The door! |
| 00:04:20 |
Can't we talk about this? |
| 00:04:27 |
Why don't I just get off |
| 00:05:10 |
No ticket. |
| 00:05:15 |
- The apostle is here. |
| 00:05:18 |
- Then you know who she was, don't you? |
| 00:05:22 |
Maybe we should rethink |
| 00:05:24 |
I mean, you heard the guy. |
| 00:05:28 |
And Azrael tells us we're marked? |
| 00:05:32 |
I was close. |
| 00:05:34 |
You know? I was so close |
| 00:05:37 |
Whoa. |
| 00:05:38 |
You know how I felt? |
| 00:05:42 |
Justified. |
| 00:05:43 |
You all right? |
| 00:05:45 |
My eyes are open. |
| 00:05:48 |
For the first time I get it. |
| 00:05:50 |
When that little innocent girl |
| 00:05:53 |
See, in the beginning it was |
| 00:05:57 |
Then He created humans. |
| 00:05:59 |
Ours was designed to be |
| 00:06:02 |
and bowing and scraping and adoration. |
| 00:06:05 |
He gave them more than He ever gave us. |
| 00:06:10 |
They choose to acknowledge God |
| 00:06:13 |
All this time |
| 00:06:15 |
I've felt the absence |
| 00:06:18 |
and it's pained me, |
| 00:06:21 |
And why? |
| 00:06:25 |
Had we been given free will we could |
| 00:06:29 |
But no, we're servants. |
| 00:06:31 |
Okay. |
| 00:06:33 |
All I'm saying here is that |
| 00:06:36 |
Wake up! These humans have besmirched |
| 00:06:40 |
They were given paradise; |
| 00:06:42 |
They were given this planet; |
| 00:06:45 |
They were favored best |
| 00:06:48 |
and some of them |
| 00:06:51 |
And in spite of it all... |
| 00:06:53 |
He has shown them |
| 00:06:57 |
at every turn. |
| 00:06:59 |
What about us? |
| 00:07:01 |
I asked you once... |
| 00:07:04 |
to lay down the sword |
| 00:07:07 |
What was the result? |
| 00:07:09 |
Our expulsion from paradise. |
| 00:07:12 |
Where was His |
| 00:07:14 |
It's not right! |
| 00:07:17 |
We've paid our debt! |
| 00:07:21 |
Don't you think it's time? |
| 00:07:24 |
Don't you think it's time |
| 00:07:28 |
And to do that, I think we may have to |
| 00:07:33 |
Wait. Wait, wait. |
| 00:07:37 |
You're talking about the last scion, |
| 00:07:40 |
And what about Jay and Bob? |
| 00:07:43 |
Don't. |
| 00:07:44 |
Don't let your sympathies |
| 00:07:48 |
They did me once. |
| 00:07:50 |
Scion or not... |
| 00:07:52 |
she's just a human... |
| 00:07:53 |
and by passing through that arch |
| 00:07:56 |
No harm, no foul. |
| 00:08:00 |
My God. |
| 00:08:04 |
What did you say? |
| 00:08:05 |
- I've heard a rant like this before. |
| 00:08:09 |
- You sound like the morning star. |
| 00:08:12 |
You sound like Lucifer, man! |
| 00:08:15 |
You're not talking about |
| 00:08:18 |
You're talking about |
| 00:08:22 |
Well, fuck that. |
| 00:08:23 |
I have seen what happens to the proud |
| 00:08:29 |
I'm going back to Wisconsin. |
| 00:08:32 |
We're going home, Loki... |
| 00:08:34 |
and no one, not you, |
| 00:08:38 |
is gonna make that otherwise. |
| 00:08:47 |
Shit. |
| 00:08:49 |
Why couldn't we stay on the train? |
| 00:08:53 |
Very basic strategy. |
| 00:08:55 |
If your enemies know where you are, |
| 00:08:58 |
Why are we enemies? |
| 00:08:59 |
Well, I know I'd perceive the person |
| 00:09:03 |
What does that mean? Since when |
| 00:09:06 |
I'm tired |
| 00:09:10 |
I'm physically and psychologically |
| 00:09:13 |
and I'm ready to kick back |
| 00:09:16 |
unless you come clean right now. |
| 00:09:19 |
Why me? |
| 00:09:21 |
Out of all the people |
| 00:09:24 |
Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy. |
| 00:09:28 |
You're told you're God's only son, |
| 00:09:33 |
How long do you think it would take to |
| 00:09:36 |
Maybe, say, 18 years? |
| 00:09:39 |
In the Bible, Jesus suddenly |
| 00:09:44 |
Now, that's some pretty bad |
| 00:09:46 |
Where are the volumes of text |
| 00:09:49 |
I'll tell you where. |
| 00:09:51 |
They were offered up as a sacrifice |
| 00:09:56 |
You make it sound like |
| 00:09:59 |
to cover up |
| 00:10:04 |
Oh, bullshit. |
| 00:10:05 |
Any important material |
| 00:10:07 |
would give people a better understanding |
| 00:10:10 |
- Why would they leave any of it out? |
| 00:10:14 |
- His mother and father. |
| 00:10:17 |
Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. |
| 00:10:22 |
Mary gave birth to Christ without having |
| 00:10:26 |
But she did have a husband. |
| 00:10:28 |
Do you really think he would've stayed |
| 00:10:32 |
if he wasn't gettin' laid? |
| 00:10:33 |
The nature of God and the Virgin Birth, |
| 00:10:37 |
But to believe a married couple never |
| 00:10:41 |
Meaning? |
| 00:10:43 |
The blood that flows |
| 00:10:45 |
shares a chromosome or two |
| 00:10:47 |
with the one you call Jesus. |
| 00:10:50 |
Bethany, you are... |
| 00:10:52 |
the great-great-great-great-great-great- |
| 00:10:57 |
of Jesus Christ. |
| 00:11:03 |
So, that would make Bethany |
| 00:11:12 |
I can't do this anymore. |
| 00:11:19 |
Where you gonna go? |
| 00:11:22 |
- It's bullshit. |
| 00:11:24 |
It's bullshit! |
| 00:11:29 |
Let her go, man. |
| 00:11:32 |
Give her time. |
| 00:11:41 |
Why? |
| 00:11:43 |
What the fuck do You want from me? |
| 00:11:46 |
I fucking hate You! |
| 00:11:49 |
I hate You. |
| 00:11:51 |
He can't hear you, you know. |
| 00:11:59 |
That's why we needed you. |
| 00:12:01 |
Why didn't you tell me? |
| 00:12:03 |
Would you... |
| 00:12:06 |
Could you have believed me? |
| 00:12:09 |
It was something |
| 00:12:12 |
Only after everything you've seen... |
| 00:12:15 |
everything you've heard... |
| 00:12:19 |
could you possibly be able |
| 00:12:22 |
I don't want this. |
| 00:12:27 |
It's too big. |
| 00:12:29 |
That's what Jesus said. |
| 00:12:33 |
I had to tell Him. |
| 00:12:38 |
You can imagine |
| 00:12:42 |
not to be able |
| 00:12:45 |
because one word from His lips would |
| 00:12:48 |
So I had to deliver the news |
| 00:12:51 |
who wanted nothing more |
| 00:12:53 |
I had to tell this little boy |
| 00:12:58 |
and it meant a life of persecution |
| 00:13:01 |
at the hands of the very people |
| 00:13:06 |
He begged me to take it all back. |
| 00:13:10 |
As if I could. |
| 00:13:13 |
He begged me to |
| 00:13:16 |
I'll let you in on something, Bethany, |
| 00:13:22 |
If I had the power... |
| 00:13:25 |
I would have. |
| 00:13:27 |
It's unfair. |
| 00:13:29 |
It's unfair to ask a child |
| 00:13:32 |
and to ask you to do the same now. |
| 00:13:35 |
I sympathize. I do. |
| 00:13:36 |
I wish I could take it all back. |
| 00:13:41 |
But I can't. |
| 00:13:46 |
This... |
| 00:13:48 |
is who you are. |
| 00:13:52 |
Everything I am has been a lie? |
| 00:13:59 |
Knowing what you now know |
| 00:14:04 |
You are... |
| 00:14:05 |
Bethany Sloane. |
| 00:14:07 |
No one can take that away from you, |
| 00:14:11 |
All this means is |
| 00:14:16 |
The incorporation of this new data |
| 00:14:20 |
Be who you've always been. |
| 00:14:23 |
Just... |
| 00:14:25 |
be this as well... |
| 00:14:29 |
from time to time. |
| 00:14:35 |
Guess this means |
| 00:14:38 |
To say the least. |
| 00:14:48 |
Do you mind if we adjourn |
| 00:14:51 |
a tad more habitable... |
| 00:14:54 |
and a bit warmer? |
| 00:15:10 |
Fuck, I think this shit |
| 00:15:13 |
Weren't we just in the woods? |
| 00:15:16 |
Going out in style. |
| 00:15:18 |
- The voice. |
| 00:15:20 |
Now, who's this motherfucker? |
| 00:15:22 |
The voice of God. |
| 00:15:25 |
Oh, the voice of God. |
| 00:15:27 |
Funny you should mention that. |
| 00:15:29 |
- What? |
| 00:15:32 |
that this Bartleby-Loki situation was |
| 00:15:36 |
Yes, but then why was she tapped? |
| 00:15:38 |
You know those constitutionals |
| 00:15:42 |
"Constitutionals"? |
| 00:15:44 |
I think we're beyond euphemisms |
| 00:15:46 |
God's a skeeball fanatic. |
| 00:15:49 |
The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. |
| 00:15:53 |
He assumes a human form once a month |
| 00:15:55 |
Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing. |
| 00:15:58 |
And He always gives His free points away |
| 00:16:02 |
Isn't that sweet? |
| 00:16:03 |
But She hasn't come back |
| 00:16:07 |
No, "She" hasn't... |
| 00:16:10 |
and we've been unable to locate "Her." |
| 00:16:13 |
He could've been killed. |
| 00:16:16 |
No, there's a different sort |
| 00:16:21 |
Whomever has set the renegade angels |
| 00:16:25 |
and is keeping them |
| 00:16:27 |
is also responsible |
| 00:16:30 |
Were He to be killed in human form... |
| 00:16:32 |
He'd have returned |
| 00:16:35 |
Someone knew enough... |
| 00:16:37 |
to keep Him biologically alive... |
| 00:16:39 |
but incapacitate Him |
| 00:16:42 |
And as omnipotent as we are above... |
| 00:16:45 |
I have to admit that we're |
| 00:16:49 |
We've looked everywhere for Him. |
| 00:16:51 |
I tapped her because I thought we'd be |
| 00:16:56 |
But whoever he is has been clever enough |
| 00:16:59 |
as opposed to showing up |
| 00:17:01 |
Could it be Lucifer? |
| 00:17:03 |
Not Lucifer. |
| 00:17:05 |
If he was, he'd have made |
| 00:17:08 |
And I know he's not responsible |
| 00:17:11 |
because he's had just as much to lose |
| 00:17:15 |
What do we do now? |
| 00:17:16 |
I say we get drunk, |
| 00:17:19 |
Why don't we just ask this guy |
| 00:17:22 |
I beg your pardon? |
| 00:17:24 |
The guy in charge |
| 00:17:29 |
Cardinal Glick? |
| 00:17:31 |
Maybe we can ask him |
| 00:17:33 |
If it's closed that day, those guys |
| 00:17:36 |
Good Lord. |
| 00:17:38 |
The little stoner's got a point. |
| 00:17:40 |
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into |
| 00:17:45 |
"We"? |
| 00:17:47 |
Are you saying you're back in, |
| 00:17:54 |
I wouldn't want to let the family down, |
| 00:18:00 |
Well... |
| 00:18:02 |
the prophets finally |
| 00:18:06 |
Mass attendance is at |
| 00:18:10 |
but if we can let 'em know the |
| 00:18:14 |
we can win 'em back, |
| 00:18:17 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:18:21 |
Fill them pews, people. |
| 00:18:23 |
That's the key. |
| 00:18:26 |
Hook 'em while they're young. |
| 00:18:28 |
- Kinda like the tobacco industry. |
| 00:18:32 |
We really appreciate you seeing us |
| 00:18:36 |
My friends and I have been traveling |
| 00:18:39 |
about the St. Michael's |
| 00:18:42 |
You looking to help out in some way? |
| 00:18:44 |
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony. |
| 00:18:48 |
I beg your pardon. |
| 00:18:50 |
There's gonna be a world of trouble if |
| 00:18:55 |
Are you pro-choice? |
| 00:18:58 |
The trouble's not from us. |
| 00:19:00 |
It's from these renegade angels that've |
| 00:19:06 |
These guys, |
| 00:19:08 |
See, Padre, it goes down like this. |
| 00:19:11 |
These guys think that by passing through |
| 00:19:15 |
You want me to call off the ceremony |
| 00:19:20 |
Who sent you? |
| 00:19:23 |
We were sent |
| 00:19:26 |
Cute. Really cute. |
| 00:19:29 |
Playtime with the cardinal is over. |
| 00:19:32 |
- Worked for Moses. |
| 00:19:34 |
It's not a joke. |
| 00:19:36 |
I'm telling you, man, |
| 00:19:39 |
The Catholic Church |
| 00:19:42 |
Please! What about the Church's |
| 00:19:45 |
And its platform of noninvolvement |
| 00:19:48 |
All right, mistakes were made. |
| 00:19:50 |
But one can hardly hold the current |
| 00:19:54 |
responsible for the oversights of old. |
| 00:19:56 |
I'm a very important man with important |
| 00:19:59 |
so if you please... |
| 00:20:01 |
- But tomorrow... |
| 00:20:04 |
Do I make myself clear? |
| 00:20:05 |
Neither you nor any other influence |
| 00:20:10 |
is gonna keep this thing |
| 00:20:34 |
I can see the headlines now... |
| 00:20:36 |
if there were gonna be any. |
| 00:20:38 |
"Existence Erased." |
| 00:20:40 |
Don't worry about it. |
| 00:20:42 |
Hand it over, Silent Bob. |
| 00:20:47 |
What up. |
| 00:20:48 |
You stole the cardinal's driver? |
| 00:20:51 |
That's what he gets |
| 00:20:53 |
Cross-dressin' fuck. |
| 00:20:55 |
That's sort of sweet. |
| 00:20:59 |
What do we do now |
| 00:21:02 |
I guess we're gonna |
| 00:21:05 |
- You said they couldn't be killed. |
| 00:21:09 |
They won't be killed. |
| 00:21:12 |
And just to ensure that, |
| 00:21:15 |
right here... |
| 00:21:16 |
until those two idiots |
| 00:21:20 |
There's only one idiot here, |
| 00:21:26 |
and I'm looking right at him. |
| 00:21:28 |
Muse! |
| 00:21:31 |
Just in time to join us |
| 00:21:35 |
Hey. |
| 00:21:38 |
- Where'd you come from? |
| 00:21:40 |
Nothingness. |
| 00:21:42 |
And that's where I'm returning to |
| 00:21:46 |
All right, Plato, |
| 00:21:49 |
- Let's go. |
| 00:21:52 |
Come on, barkeep, just one drink. |
| 00:21:56 |
I was trying to find you to tell you |
| 00:21:59 |
Is that who I think it is? |
| 00:22:01 |
- None other than. |
| 00:22:02 |
All right, one drink. |
| 00:22:05 |
Give me a... |
| 00:22:07 |
Holy Bartender. |
| 00:22:10 |
Never heard of it. |
| 00:22:12 |
He doesn't know how to make |
| 00:22:16 |
You do, don't you, Muse? |
| 00:22:18 |
Don't. |
| 00:22:20 |
Anybody? |
| 00:22:21 |
No? |
| 00:22:23 |
Well, I know how to make |
| 00:22:35 |
Get it? |
| 00:22:36 |
Sweet Jesus, Azrael! |
| 00:22:38 |
Come on, Demon! Try that shit |
| 00:22:42 |
Oh, Apostle, you maintain |
| 00:22:45 |
and you and the barkeep won't be |
| 00:22:48 |
The Christ bitch will join you. |
| 00:22:51 |
Are you really that stupid? |
| 00:22:54 |
You do know what's gonna happen |
| 00:22:57 |
I'm actually counting on it. |
| 00:23:01 |
And if my calculations |
| 00:23:03 |
the pawns are moving into checkmate |
| 00:23:11 |
"Holy Bartender." I get it. |
| 00:23:15 |
I'd also like to acknowledge this great |
| 00:23:19 |
for coming this morning. |
| 00:23:21 |
She's a Protestant, but we're |
| 00:23:25 |
Now, let me just tell you a little bit |
| 00:23:30 |
hundred-years-young house of God. |
| 00:23:33 |
God's house? |
| 00:23:36 |
God doesn't live here anymore. |
| 00:23:38 |
He's grown weary |
| 00:23:41 |
He's turned a deaf ear |
| 00:23:44 |
- He has abandoned you, his favorites... |
| 00:23:48 |
to the whim of judgment. |
| 00:23:50 |
Hypocrites, charlatans... |
| 00:23:54 |
prepare to taste God's wrath. |
| 00:23:57 |
- Maybe we should just leave. |
| 00:24:00 |
This lot is rife with sin. |
| 00:24:02 |
Officer McGhee. |
| 00:24:04 |
All right, mouthpiece... |
| 00:24:06 |
let's leave the nice cardinal alone |
| 00:24:09 |
Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry. |
| 00:24:11 |
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. |
| 00:24:13 |
Is that so? |
| 00:24:20 |
Ladies and gentlemen... |
| 00:24:21 |
you have been judged as guilty of |
| 00:24:27 |
and this very day... |
| 00:24:30 |
I assure you you will all |
| 00:24:33 |
in blood. |
| 00:24:35 |
- Wings. Now. |
| 00:24:38 |
Do it! |
| 00:24:40 |
- So he's a muse too? |
| 00:24:44 |
He was kicked out. |
| 00:24:48 |
Ever the fucking apple polisher. |
| 00:24:50 |
Then what happened? |
| 00:24:51 |
Yes, what? |
| 00:24:54 |
Well, Lucifer just had to start |
| 00:24:58 |
Heaven became divided |
| 00:25:00 |
the faithful and the renegades. |
| 00:25:03 |
Oh, the Ethereal Plains |
| 00:25:05 |
Angel against angel. |
| 00:25:08 |
And when it was all over, |
| 00:25:12 |
But Azrael refused to fight. |
| 00:25:14 |
He remained in the middle, |
| 00:25:17 |
What are you, |
| 00:25:20 |
No. |
| 00:25:21 |
I was an artist... |
| 00:25:23 |
stupid! |
| 00:25:25 |
I was inspiration! |
| 00:25:27 |
A muse has no place in battle. |
| 00:25:29 |
So after the fallen |
| 00:25:32 |
God turned on those |
| 00:25:34 |
and Azrael was sent down |
| 00:25:37 |
something he considers |
| 00:25:39 |
Oh, come on. |
| 00:25:42 |
Don't tell me you never questioned |
| 00:25:45 |
No. |
| 00:25:48 |
So you were an artist. |
| 00:25:50 |
Big deal! |
| 00:25:52 |
Elvis was an artist... |
| 00:25:54 |
but that didn't stop him from |
| 00:25:57 |
That's why he is the king... |
| 00:25:59 |
and you're a schmuck. |
| 00:26:01 |
Nice. |
| 00:26:02 |
So all this is about revenge. |
| 00:26:04 |
You're gonna unmake existence |
| 00:26:07 |
After the first million years? |
| 00:26:11 |
Escape from Hell |
| 00:26:15 |
So I studied the religions and waited |
| 00:26:20 |
which it finally did... |
| 00:26:21 |
in Catholicism. |
| 00:26:23 |
Plenary indulgence. |
| 00:26:25 |
But I couldn't exercise it. |
| 00:26:27 |
Demons can't become human. |
| 00:26:29 |
No, we can't transubstantiate. |
| 00:26:33 |
But angels can. |
| 00:26:36 |
Bartleby and Loki. |
| 00:26:39 |
After that it was a simple matter |
| 00:26:42 |
to celebrate their centennial... |
| 00:26:44 |
and when that finally happened I sent |
| 00:26:49 |
An incantation |
| 00:26:51 |
kept them cloaked |
| 00:26:54 |
And aside from the triplets here |
| 00:26:57 |
no soul in Hell had a clue |
| 00:27:01 |
But the Almighty |
| 00:27:04 |
so I dispatched Him |
| 00:27:07 |
Her. And how? |
| 00:27:10 |
That's the only thing |
| 00:27:12 |
Oh, no, I've seen |
| 00:27:15 |
that you never reveal |
| 00:27:18 |
no matter how close |
| 00:27:22 |
The only "X" factor was the involvement |
| 00:27:26 |
But fat lot of good that did, right? |
| 00:27:33 |
Powerless to stop the inevitable. |
| 00:27:37 |
Look, asshole, I don't know |
| 00:27:41 |
but if you succeed everything gets |
| 00:27:45 |
Human, have you ever been to Hell? |
| 00:27:48 |
I think not. |
| 00:27:50 |
I'd rather not exist |
| 00:27:52 |
And if everyone has to |
| 00:27:57 |
Still thinking only about yourself... |
| 00:27:59 |
you fucking child! |
| 00:28:01 |
Now, now, now. |
| 00:28:04 |
Things are getting |
| 00:28:07 |
Hey! What say |
| 00:28:10 |
Yo, put on channel 9. |
| 00:28:13 |
Actually, I was thinking |
| 00:28:18 |
Keep rolling! Keep rolling! |
| 00:28:20 |
I repeat, |
| 00:28:23 |
have laid waste to St. Michael's! |
| 00:28:26 |
Bullets don't seem to affect them! |
| 00:28:29 |
The remainder of the crowd |
| 00:28:32 |
identifying this |
| 00:28:34 |
Now, I'm not a man of faith, |
| 00:28:37 |
Oh, God, please, don't come any closer! |
| 00:28:49 |
You see that? |
| 00:28:53 |
I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes |
| 00:29:01 |
Oh? |
| 00:29:03 |
Oh, now what was that |
| 00:29:06 |
What? |
| 00:29:07 |
Oh, nothing. |
| 00:29:10 |
I had something in my eye. |
| 00:29:12 |
Now who's the fucking child? |
| 00:29:16 |
What did you tell him, |
| 00:29:20 |
Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon. |
| 00:29:25 |
You want to play? |
| 00:29:27 |
One side, Red. |
| 00:29:29 |
Go ahead, then. |
| 00:29:31 |
Call it a gift. |
| 00:29:34 |
Come on. |
| 00:29:36 |
That's it. |
| 00:29:39 |
Take a shot. |
| 00:29:40 |
Take your best fucking shot. |
| 00:29:45 |
Seriously. I'm not kidding. |
| 00:29:49 |
Come on, bright boy. |
| 00:29:59 |
Don't you know anything? |
| 00:30:17 |
Bethany, bless the sink! |
| 00:30:19 |
- What? |
| 00:30:21 |
Bless the sink, damn it! |
| 00:30:47 |
That's what you get, |
| 00:30:52 |
But I'm a fucking demon. |
| 00:31:01 |
What just happened? |
| 00:31:03 |
He said it himself: |
| 00:31:06 |
Hit a demon with an instrument of God, |
| 00:31:10 |
Silent Bob's an instrument of God? |
| 00:31:12 |
No, but Glick's the kind of asshole |
| 00:31:16 |
- But the sink? |
| 00:31:19 |
Sanctifying is just |
| 00:31:22 |
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing |
| 00:31:24 |
- How far away is this church? |
| 00:31:27 |
- Rufus, grab the gun. |
| 00:31:29 |
Take the bartender's car. |
| 00:31:32 |
The whole fucking world's against us, |
| 00:31:47 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:32:01 |
And people wonder why |
| 00:32:04 |
Are we too late? |
| 00:32:05 |
To save these poor schmucks? |
| 00:32:10 |
Yeah. |
| 00:32:11 |
But we still exist. |
| 00:32:14 |
Where are they? |
| 00:32:16 |
They could already be |
| 00:32:18 |
Which means if they come out, |
| 00:32:20 |
Are you shitting me? |
| 00:32:22 |
The brother here is gonna shred 'em with |
| 00:32:26 |
If they pass through that arch, |
| 00:32:28 |
And if they die, |
| 00:32:30 |
And hello! |
| 00:32:33 |
- Why don't they just kill themselves? |
| 00:32:35 |
Die with a mortal sin on your soul and |
| 00:32:38 |
Then what, are we supposed to just wait |
| 00:32:46 |
Friend of yours? |
| 00:32:47 |
No, that was a cardinal. |
| 00:32:49 |
You can't tell from his face, |
| 00:32:53 |
It's one of them! |
| 00:32:56 |
Don't you listen? |
| 00:32:57 |
- We can't touch him! |
| 00:33:00 |
He's been at it for a while now. |
| 00:33:03 |
Please! Please! |
| 00:33:06 |
We ran out of parishioners... |
| 00:33:08 |
so he just started picking up folk |
| 00:33:12 |
This is just eons of repression |
| 00:33:16 |
If only they'd let us jerk off. |
| 00:33:20 |
Whoops. |
| 00:33:26 |
Let me go! |
| 00:33:28 |
Why? |
| 00:33:31 |
- All these people! |
| 00:33:35 |
Jesus Christ! |
| 00:33:38 |
I just wanted to go home. |
| 00:33:40 |
But him, you know... |
| 00:33:42 |
he just lost it. |
| 00:33:44 |
He realized who you were |
| 00:33:48 |
He just snapped. |
| 00:33:49 |
The funny thing is, this guy |
| 00:33:53 |
He said he felt sorry |
| 00:33:57 |
Now look at him. |
| 00:33:59 |
This guy's fuckin' drunker than hell. |
| 00:34:01 |
Which means he's human now. |
| 00:34:05 |
His wings have been cut off. |
| 00:34:13 |
The muse? |
| 00:34:15 |
Oh, no way! |
| 00:34:17 |
I haven't seen you... |
| 00:34:20 |
What's with the tits? |
| 00:34:23 |
Have you walked |
| 00:34:28 |
Tell me. Have you gone in |
| 00:34:32 |
No! |
| 00:34:38 |
He's back. |
| 00:35:03 |
We were awaiting your arrival. |
| 00:35:05 |
Bartleby, wait. Stop. |
| 00:35:08 |
You can't go through with this. |
| 00:35:11 |
If you go back... |
| 00:35:13 |
I've become aware of the repercussions. |
| 00:35:18 |
You sick, twisted fuck! |
| 00:35:21 |
Bethany. |
| 00:35:25 |
You, of all people, should understand |
| 00:35:29 |
You too know what it feels like |
| 00:35:32 |
But you've only dealt with the pain |
| 00:35:35 |
I've dealt with it for a millennia. |
| 00:35:38 |
While you never see your ex-husband or |
| 00:35:44 |
and he is... |
| 00:35:48 |
seeing you people every day on this |
| 00:35:53 |
is a constant reminder... |
| 00:35:55 |
that though my kind came first... |
| 00:35:58 |
your kind was most revered. |
| 00:36:02 |
And while you know forgiveness... |
| 00:36:04 |
we know only regret. |
| 00:36:07 |
The lesson must be taught. |
| 00:36:09 |
All are accountable... |
| 00:36:11 |
even God. |
| 00:36:13 |
Soon a cadre of police will arrive... |
| 00:36:16 |
just in time to kill us |
| 00:36:20 |
Then this failed experiment |
| 00:36:24 |
will cease to be. |
| 00:36:25 |
No. Hey. Hey! |
| 00:36:30 |
I can't let you do that, |
| 00:36:32 |
This has gone too far. |
| 00:36:36 |
I might have to take you down. |
| 00:36:40 |
It's okay. Shh. |
| 00:36:42 |
I'll do it. |
| 00:36:48 |
My compatriot. |
| 00:36:51 |
Genocide takes a lot out of him. |
| 00:36:54 |
He's weakened. |
| 00:36:55 |
You're weak. |
| 00:36:57 |
More importantly, |
| 00:37:00 |
a condition which carries |
| 00:37:04 |
a conscience... |
| 00:37:06 |
and... |
| 00:37:11 |
a short life span. |
| 00:37:13 |
I'm sorry, old friend, |
| 00:37:44 |
He's lost it. |
| 00:37:46 |
- We're absolutely fucked! |
| 00:37:50 |
I can't believe this. |
| 00:37:51 |
We're on the brink of nonexistence, |
| 00:37:54 |
- What kind of deity gets kidnapped? |
| 00:38:04 |
What the hell are you doing? |
| 00:38:06 |
If the whole world's gonna end, |
| 00:38:13 |
- You're a pig. |
| 00:38:16 |
We can lay here all comatose like that |
| 00:38:20 |
- or we can get makin' with the love. |
| 00:38:23 |
Make with the love. |
| 00:38:25 |
No, about John Doe Jersey. |
| 00:38:31 |
That guy, the one they won't take |
| 00:38:34 |
This is where he's at... |
| 00:38:37 |
Where's the nearest boardwalk? |
| 00:38:39 |
I ain't got time to win you a prize. |
| 00:38:42 |
- Where is it? |
| 00:38:44 |
- Have you ever been there? |
| 00:38:46 |
We were about to fuck on the carousel |
| 00:38:49 |
- Do they have skeeball there? |
| 00:38:55 |
That's what I'm talkin' about. |
| 00:39:05 |
Whatever you do, stall Bartleby |
| 00:39:08 |
Bob, come with me. |
| 00:39:10 |
- How am I supposed to do that? |
| 00:39:13 |
I already did, |
| 00:39:16 |
I repeat, this is not a drill. |
| 00:39:18 |
This is the apocalypse. |
| 00:39:20 |
Please exit the hospital |
| 00:39:23 |
Thank you. |
| 00:39:40 |
Hey, Big Bird! |
| 00:39:42 |
Ready for the counting game? |
| 00:39:49 |
Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck. |
| 00:40:19 |
No more bullets. |
| 00:40:21 |
Now, what the fuck |
| 00:40:23 |
Angels have to cut their wings off |
| 00:40:26 |
You just did him a favor, |
| 00:41:15 |
I hope you're the skeeball type. |
| 00:41:59 |
Oh, Bartleby. |
| 00:42:02 |
Was Wisconsin really that bad? |
| 00:42:05 |
Bow down, stupid! |
| 00:42:26 |
I'm sorry. |
| 00:42:50 |
Anyone who isn't dead |
| 00:42:54 |
would do well to cover their ears |
| 00:42:57 |
What the fuck? |
| 00:43:06 |
Thank you. |
| 00:43:39 |
It never ends! |
| 00:44:01 |
Get off of me. |
| 00:44:03 |
What the fuck is this shit? |
| 00:44:06 |
Who the fuck are you, lady? |
| 00:44:08 |
Why the fuck did you hug my head? |
| 00:44:10 |
Quite a little mouth on him, |
| 00:44:13 |
What the fuck is this, The Piano? |
| 00:44:16 |
I believe the answers that you seek |
| 00:44:22 |
What the fuck does that mean? |
| 00:44:25 |
What the fuck happened |
| 00:44:28 |
Shh. |
| 00:44:46 |
Where was she? |
| 00:44:47 |
Imprisoned in a body. |
| 00:44:50 |
Bethany figured it all out. |
| 00:44:54 |
Hang on a minute. |
| 00:45:30 |
You missed a bit. |
| 00:45:34 |
Well, then, you ready |
| 00:45:37 |
You ready to make some of those |
| 00:45:39 |
We'll see. |
| 00:45:41 |
Muse? |
| 00:45:42 |
Seeing as how you |
| 00:45:45 |
you're welcome |
| 00:45:47 |
First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany. |
| 00:45:50 |
Oh, no. |
| 00:46:13 |
Metatron, is she... |
| 00:46:16 |
Afraid so. |
| 00:46:18 |
One of the drawbacks to being a martyr |
| 00:46:22 |
But no matter. |
| 00:46:34 |
All is being taken care of. |
| 00:46:37 |
How so? |
| 00:46:40 |
Wax on, wax off. |
| 00:47:06 |
How did I... |
| 00:47:08 |
She can rebuild you. |
| 00:47:09 |
She has the technology. |
| 00:47:11 |
She can make you better, |
| 00:47:21 |
That's... |
| 00:47:23 |
A very relieved deity. |
| 00:47:28 |
You did well, little girl. |
| 00:47:30 |
Your kind always does. |
| 00:47:34 |
You might want to |
| 00:47:37 |
We're gonna need you down the road. |
| 00:47:39 |
I know. |
| 00:47:45 |
Well, you're half right. |
| 00:47:48 |
You were the last scion. |
| 00:47:53 |
But now... |
| 00:47:55 |
this... |
| 00:47:57 |
is the last scion. |
| 00:48:02 |
I'm pregnant? |
| 00:48:07 |
Can't put anything past you. |
| 00:48:12 |
Take care of that parcel for us. |
| 00:48:15 |
She has a world of work |
| 00:48:30 |
Thank you for... |
| 00:48:32 |
I don't know... |
| 00:48:34 |
everything. |
| 00:48:39 |
God, there's a million things |
| 00:48:43 |
most of it questioning your great plan, |
| 00:48:48 |
But there is one I need to ask. |
| 00:48:50 |
I'm sure you get it all the time, but |
| 00:48:55 |
Why are we here? |
| 00:49:14 |
Didn't I tell you she was funny? |
| 00:49:24 |
I really enjoyed meeting you. |
| 00:49:27 |
It was an honor. |
| 00:49:34 |
You did so well. |
| 00:49:42 |
I told you She was a woman. |
| 00:49:46 |
She's not really a woman. |
| 00:49:49 |
She's not really anything. |
| 00:49:51 |
She's something, all right. |
| 00:49:54 |
Crisis of faith over? |
| 00:49:57 |
I think I'm now burdened |
| 00:50:00 |
When it rains, it pours. |
| 00:50:02 |
Are you saying you believe? |
| 00:50:05 |
But I have a good idea. |
| 00:50:07 |
Yes! |
| 00:50:13 |
The Man was right about you. |
| 00:50:15 |
Now I'm gonna go home |
| 00:50:19 |
And if you clean up your language... |
| 00:50:21 |
I just might put in |
| 00:50:23 |
Thanks. |
| 00:50:26 |
Why don't you name the kid |
| 00:50:31 |
Rufus. |
| 00:51:00 |
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop. |
| 00:51:07 |
Youse guys |
| 00:51:09 |
I got half a stalk |
| 00:51:12 |
I couldn't help it. |
| 00:51:14 |
You can't talk to me that way anymore. |
| 00:51:19 |
You're pregnant? |
| 00:51:22 |
You know, when you're pregnant you can |
| 00:51:26 |
I'll keep that in mind. |
| 00:59:08 |
So, that would make Bethany |
