|
Eating Out All You Can Eat
|
| 00:00:11 |
# |
| 00:00:19 |
- Tiffani: Come, come to me, |
| 00:00:22 |
mi hijo. |
| 00:00:23 |
# |
| 00:00:37 |
- Ernesto: Tiffani, you are crying. |
| 00:00:40 |
Why, my darling? |
| 00:00:42 |
- Tiffani: Oh, Ernesto, |
| 00:00:44 |
it's just I've been |
| 00:00:46 |
with so many men. |
| 00:00:48 |
- Ernesto: Have there been many? |
| 00:00:50 |
- Tiffani: No. |
| 00:00:51 |
- Ernesto: It will not matter |
| 00:00:53 |
if you have been |
| 00:00:54 |
with millions of men. |
| 00:00:56 |
- Tiffani: Well, |
| 00:00:57 |
you're getting warm. |
| 00:00:59 |
With other men it's just sex. |
| 00:01:01 |
Random trashy sex |
| 00:01:02 |
that goes on for days. |
| 00:01:05 |
But with you, |
| 00:01:07 |
I will finally make love. |
| 00:01:09 |
# |
| 00:01:17 |
Oh, Ernesto, |
| 00:01:19 |
I totally love you. |
| 00:01:21 |
- Ernesto: I want to make |
| 00:01:23 |
many children. |
| 00:01:26 |
- Tiffani: Yes, children. |
| 00:01:29 |
Put children in me now! |
| 00:01:33 |
Fuck me now! |
| 00:01:36 |
Harder, Ernesto, come on. |
| 00:01:39 |
Oh, yes, fuck me |
| 00:01:41 |
like a day laborer. |
| 00:01:43 |
Yeah, baby, |
| 00:01:44 |
take me from behind. |
| 00:01:46 |
Use me, treat me |
| 00:01:48 |
like a fuck machine. |
| 00:01:49 |
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr! |
| 00:01:51 |
- Ernesto: In the butt? |
| 00:01:53 |
- Tiffani: Yes, in the butt, now. |
| 00:01:55 |
- Ernesto: Tiffani, we must stop. |
| 00:01:56 |
- Tiffani: If you stop |
| 00:01:57 |
I'll rip off your dick |
| 00:01:59 |
and shove it in there myself. |
| 00:02:00 |
- Ernesto: Tiffani, |
| 00:02:01 |
we're in a coffin. |
| 00:02:03 |
- Tiffani: Shut up, |
| 00:02:04 |
you're ruining my fantasy. |
| 00:02:06 |
- Ernesto: Tiffani. |
| 00:02:07 |
- Tiffani: Shit, my speech. |
| 00:02:09 |
# |
| 00:02:11 |
Gracias, Ernesto. |
| 00:02:13 |
# |
| 00:02:15 |
I love funerals. |
| 00:02:18 |
# |
| 00:02:38 |
- Helen: Kyle and Mark loved life, |
| 00:02:39 |
and that's why |
| 00:02:41 |
we're here today. |
| 00:02:44 |
My son was so proud |
| 00:02:46 |
of his homosexuality |
| 00:02:48 |
that he would want you all |
| 00:02:50 |
to know exactly how he died. |
| 00:02:52 |
My son rocketed off |
| 00:02:54 |
this mortal coil |
| 00:02:56 |
at 80 miles an hour |
| 00:02:58 |
down the Ronald Regan freeway |
| 00:02:59 |
while giving the man he loved |
| 00:03:01 |
a blowjob. |
| 00:03:03 |
According |
| 00:03:05 |
to the autopsy report, |
| 00:03:08 |
as Mark began to bust a nut, |
| 00:03:13 |
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared |
| 00:03:15 |
going in the wrong direction. |
| 00:03:17 |
Upon impact, |
| 00:03:19 |
my boys came together. |
| 00:03:22 |
And they died together, |
| 00:03:24 |
doing what they loved. |
| 00:03:29 |
Amen. |
| 00:03:30 |
[clapping] |
| 00:03:34 |
Kyle's best friend, |
| 00:03:36 |
Tiffani Vanderslut, |
| 00:03:38 |
has prepared a special tribute. |
| 00:03:41 |
- Tiffani: I wouldn't call us |
| 00:03:43 |
best friends exactly. |
| 00:04:00 |
This number goes out to you, |
| 00:04:02 |
Kyle and Mark. |
| 00:04:05 |
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh? |
| 00:04:08 |
I remember the time |
| 00:04:10 |
Kyle pretended to be straight |
| 00:04:12 |
for my ex boyfriend, Troy, |
| 00:04:14 |
who made him eat my pussy. |
| 00:04:16 |
And then everything went... |
| 00:04:21 |
Well, maybe that's not |
| 00:04:22 |
an appropriate memory. |
| 00:04:25 |
And Mark. |
| 00:04:27 |
Actually I hardly knew you |
| 00:04:29 |
but whatever, |
| 00:04:30 |
thanks for coming. |
| 00:04:32 |
[lauhging] |
| 00:04:36 |
Here's a little diddy |
| 00:04:38 |
I learned in Girl Scouts. |
| 00:04:40 |
I had to look up the lyrics |
| 00:04:43 |
online. |
| 00:04:55 |
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # |
| 00:04:59 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:02 |
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # |
| 00:05:06 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:11 |
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, # |
| 00:05:15 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:18 |
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:24 |
# Someone's praying, my lord, # |
| 00:05:28 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:30 |
# Someone's praying, my lord, # |
| 00:05:33 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:36 |
# Someone's praying, my lord, # |
| 00:05:38 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:41 |
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:44 |
# Someone's praying, my lord, # |
| 00:05:47 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:49 |
# Someone's squirming, # |
| 00:05:50 |
# my lord, # |
| 00:05:52 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:54 |
# Someone's horny, my lord, # |
| 00:05:56 |
# cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:05:58 |
# Oh yes, my lord! # |
| 00:06:01 |
# Cum-by-ya. # |
| 00:06:04 |
Oh, God, it's so hard, |
| 00:06:06 |
I just need to... |
| 00:06:09 |
pray. |
| 00:06:10 |
# |
| 00:06:19 |
- everybody: Lord, |
| 00:06:20 |
hear our prayer. |
| 00:06:22 |
- Casey: I'm gonna love |
| 00:06:23 |
this town. |
| 00:06:25 |
# |
| 00:06:33 |
- Helen: It isn't much, |
| 00:06:34 |
but I can give you |
| 00:06:36 |
a good deal on the rent. |
| 00:06:37 |
- Casey: It's perfection. |
| 00:06:38 |
- Helen: You haven't seen it. |
| 00:06:40 |
- Casey: It's near my Aunt, |
| 00:06:41 |
what more could I want? |
| 00:06:42 |
- Helen: Well, it is furnished |
| 00:06:44 |
and it'll be nice |
| 00:06:45 |
to have family around. |
| 00:06:47 |
- Casey: Thank you, Aunt Helen. |
| 00:06:50 |
- Helen: I just wish you and Kyle |
| 00:06:52 |
could've spent |
| 00:06:54 |
more time together. |
| 00:06:55 |
Did he know you were a mo? |
| 00:06:57 |
- Casey: Uh... |
| 00:06:58 |
I didn't know I was a mo |
| 00:07:00 |
until like a year ago. |
| 00:07:02 |
- Helen: Color me, Britney. |
| 00:07:04 |
I always thought you were gayer |
| 00:07:05 |
than a midnight screening |
| 00:07:07 |
of Showgirls. |
| 00:07:08 |
- Casey: I was |
| 00:07:09 |
one of those clueless gays. |
| 00:07:10 |
Everyone knew but me. |
| 00:07:12 |
- Helen: So when did you finally |
| 00:07:13 |
get your man-cherry popped? |
| 00:07:14 |
- Casey: Aunt Helen! |
| 00:07:15 |
You don't wanna hear about that. |
| 00:07:17 |
- Helen: Of course I do. |
| 00:07:18 |
I wouldn't be a good aunt |
| 00:07:20 |
if I didn't. |
| 00:07:21 |
[phone ringing] |
| 00:07:24 |
- Casey: 696? Is that local? |
| 00:07:25 |
- Helen: Well, I gave your number |
| 00:07:27 |
to that slut |
| 00:07:28 |
from the funeral, Tiffani. |
| 00:07:29 |
- Casey: Oh, I love her. |
| 00:07:31 |
- Helen: Kyle adored her. |
| 00:07:32 |
And, well, I thought |
| 00:07:34 |
you might need some new friends, |
| 00:07:36 |
even if they are loser whores. |
| 00:07:38 |
- Casey: Hello? |
| 00:07:40 |
- Tiffani: Casey, Casey. |
| 00:07:41 |
- Casey: Hey, Tiffani. |
| 00:07:42 |
- Tiffani: How did you know |
| 00:07:43 |
it was me? |
| 00:07:44 |
- Casey: I remembered |
| 00:07:46 |
your sultry voice |
| 00:07:47 |
form the funeral. |
| 00:07:48 |
- Tiffani: Compliments |
| 00:07:49 |
will get you nowhere |
| 00:07:50 |
unless you're straight. |
| 00:07:51 |
And hung like Mr. T. |
| 00:07:53 |
- Casey: Damn and damn. |
| 00:07:54 |
- Tiffani: As I thought. |
| 00:07:55 |
Your aunt tells me |
| 00:07:56 |
you need a job, |
| 00:07:57 |
why don't you get |
| 00:07:58 |
your faggoty ass |
| 00:08:00 |
down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane. |
| 00:08:01 |
- Casey: You are such a stud. |
| 00:08:02 |
- Tiffani: I know. |
| 00:08:03 |
Fuff! |
| 00:08:05 |
Where have you been |
| 00:08:06 |
sticking these things? |
| 00:08:08 |
- Casey: Oh! |
| 00:08:10 |
- Helen: Go on, |
| 00:08:11 |
go get your tramp on. |
| 00:08:13 |
- Casey: Thank you, Aunt Helen. |
| 00:08:14 |
# |
| 00:08:22 |
- Helen: I am the coolest adult |
| 00:08:24 |
in the world. |
| 00:08:26 |
# |
| 00:08:28 |
[sighing] |
| 00:08:31 |
Oh, Kyle... |
| 00:08:37 |
My little queen. |
| 00:08:39 |
# |
| 00:08:54 |
- Tiffani: Nail Me, we do nails. |
| 00:08:56 |
With release! |
| 00:09:00 |
No, I'm kidding, I mean, |
| 00:09:02 |
unless you're a really hot guy. |
| 00:09:03 |
Are you? |
| 00:09:05 |
Well, I'm sorry you don't find |
| 00:09:07 |
my brand of humor... |
| 00:09:10 |
Well, I'm sorry I offended |
| 00:09:11 |
your Christian sensibility, |
| 00:09:13 |
but if you worship a guy |
| 00:09:14 |
who was hung on a cross, |
| 00:09:16 |
nails should be the last thing |
| 00:09:17 |
on your mind. |
| 00:09:19 |
Who needs customer |
| 00:09:21 |
like her anyway. |
| 00:09:29 |
- Tiffani: Let me introduce you |
| 00:09:30 |
to the girls. |
| 00:09:31 |
Pam, Candy. |
| 00:09:53 |
- Tiffani: They said they can't wait |
| 00:09:55 |
to get to know you. |
| 00:09:56 |
- Casey: Cool. |
| 00:09:57 |
Tell them I feel the same way. |
| 00:10:09 |
- Tiffani: Basically, you sweep up, |
| 00:10:11 |
take phone calls |
| 00:10:12 |
and do whatever we say. |
| 00:10:14 |
Can you handle that? |
| 00:10:15 |
- Casey: Is Madonna awesome? |
| 00:10:18 |
- Tiffani: Okay. |
| 00:10:20 |
Well the job's yours anyway, |
| 00:10:21 |
but there's one little catch. |
| 00:10:23 |
You have to come with me |
| 00:10:25 |
to this event thingy. |
| 00:10:26 |
- Casey: I love event thingies. |
| 00:10:27 |
- Tiffani: You try too hard. |
| 00:10:28 |
Come on. |
| 00:10:30 |
- Casey: Right now? |
| 00:10:31 |
What about work? |
| 00:10:32 |
- Tiffani: Fuck them. |
| 00:10:33 |
- Pam: Fuck you, too. |
| 00:10:35 |
# |
| 00:10:38 |
- Casey: What are we doing here? |
| 00:10:39 |
I don't like places like this. |
| 00:10:41 |
- Tiffani: Me neither, |
| 00:10:42 |
but they have this fundraiser |
| 00:10:43 |
where they auction off dates |
| 00:10:45 |
with shirtless beefcakes. |
| 00:10:46 |
Nudity and open bar. |
| 00:10:47 |
- Casey: You're taking me to that?! |
| 00:10:49 |
- Tiffani: No, it's in two weeks. |
| 00:10:50 |
And you're taking me. |
| 00:10:52 |
Kyle was going to, |
| 00:10:53 |
but, you know, he's dead. |
| 00:10:54 |
So you're going to volunteer |
| 00:10:55 |
and get us free tickets. |
| 00:10:57 |
- Casey: But I'm so not |
| 00:10:58 |
a hot shirtless man. |
| 00:10:59 |
- Tiffani: You're hardly a man, |
| 00:11:01 |
no one would pay for you, |
| 00:11:02 |
you'll help out |
| 00:11:03 |
behind the scenes. |
| 00:11:04 |
- Casey: Why would I do that? |
| 00:11:06 |
- Tiffani: I gave you that job |
| 00:11:07 |
and I can replace you |
| 00:11:08 |
with an immigrant, like that! |
| 00:11:10 |
- Casey: Okay, okay, |
| 00:11:11 |
it's just that I'm not |
| 00:11:12 |
into the whole gay scene. |
| 00:11:13 |
- Helen: Welcome |
| 00:11:14 |
to the whole gay scene. |
| 00:11:16 |
Are you kids here |
| 00:11:17 |
to volunteer? |
| 00:11:18 |
- Tiffani: I'm not but Casey is. |
| 00:11:20 |
- Helen: Fabulous. |
| 00:11:22 |
Darling, you're shaking |
| 00:11:23 |
like a little Chihuahua. |
| 00:11:25 |
Don't be nervous, |
| 00:11:27 |
I don't bite...much. |
| 00:11:29 |
[laughing] |
| 00:11:31 |
- Tiffani: He's never volunteered |
| 00:11:32 |
before. |
| 00:11:33 |
- Helen: Oh, a virgin. |
| 00:11:34 |
- Tiffani: If you don't count |
| 00:11:36 |
anal. |
| 00:11:37 |
- Helen: Well, either way, |
| 00:11:38 |
fill out this paperwork |
| 00:11:39 |
and then I'll have Zack, |
| 00:11:40 |
our volunteer coordinator, |
| 00:11:42 |
meet with you and figure out |
| 00:11:44 |
which position |
| 00:11:45 |
you'd be most comfortable in. |
| 00:11:47 |
So to speak. |
| 00:11:50 |
- Casey: That's why |
| 00:11:51 |
I don't like these places. |
| 00:11:52 |
They're full of these |
| 00:11:53 |
old horn dogs |
| 00:11:54 |
looking to get laid. |
| 00:11:55 |
- Tiffani: Jesus. |
| 00:11:56 |
Lay off the fox news. |
| 00:11:58 |
- Casey: Really, I always hear |
| 00:11:59 |
'the gay community' this, |
| 00:12:00 |
the 'gay community' that. |
| 00:12:01 |
But all I see are a bunch |
| 00:12:03 |
of drunk assholes |
| 00:12:04 |
looking for sex, |
| 00:12:05 |
who don't care anything |
| 00:12:06 |
about relationships. |
| 00:12:07 |
- Tiffani: Excuse me, |
| 00:12:08 |
Maria full of grace, |
| 00:12:09 |
but that doesn't sound |
| 00:12:10 |
any different |
| 00:12:11 |
than any straight bar. |
| 00:12:13 |
Drunk sweaty men. |
| 00:12:14 |
Drooling, groping, |
| 00:12:16 |
pressing their manhood |
| 00:12:18 |
all up against |
| 00:12:19 |
your supple ass |
| 00:12:20 |
on the dance floor. |
| 00:12:22 |
- Casey: God, you are gayer |
| 00:12:23 |
than I am. |
| 00:12:24 |
- Tiffani: Honey, I'm gayer |
| 00:12:26 |
than a Kevin Spacey |
| 00:12:27 |
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap, |
| 00:12:28 |
and what's wrong with that? |
| 00:12:30 |
- Casey: Nothing, it's just |
| 00:12:31 |
I'm disappointed |
| 00:12:32 |
at how sex-centric |
| 00:12:33 |
the gay community is. |
| 00:12:35 |
- Tiffani: It's called homosexual, |
| 00:12:36 |
not homo-hug-ual, |
| 00:12:37 |
what did you expect? |
| 00:12:39 |
- Casey: Romance? |
| 00:12:40 |
I want to travel the world |
| 00:12:41 |
on scooters, adopt children. |
| 00:12:43 |
- Tiffani: Children |
| 00:12:44 |
are just abortions that eat. |
| 00:12:45 |
- Casey: You know what? |
| 00:12:46 |
Forget it, I am not signing |
| 00:12:48 |
that stupid... |
| 00:12:51 |
Oh, my fuck. |
| 00:12:53 |
# |
| 00:13:08 |
- Zack: I see you got |
| 00:13:09 |
your paperwork. |
| 00:13:10 |
- Casey: Uh, yeah... |
| 00:13:12 |
just let me sign it. |
| 00:13:15 |
- Zack: Cool. |
| 00:13:16 |
Jonathan? |
| 00:13:18 |
- Casey: Uh, Casey. |
| 00:13:19 |
- Zack: Oh, I'm Zack. |
| 00:13:20 |
This is Tandy. |
| 00:13:22 |
- Tiffani: I'm his best friend. |
| 00:13:23 |
- Casey: That's so funny, |
| 00:13:24 |
I'm here with my best friend, |
| 00:13:26 |
Tiffani. |
| 00:13:27 |
- Tiffani: No, I'm more like |
| 00:13:29 |
your boss. |
| 00:13:30 |
- Zack: Wow, best friends |
| 00:13:31 |
with T names. |
| 00:13:32 |
- Casey: Yeah, we should like |
| 00:13:34 |
form a club. |
| 00:13:35 |
- Tiffani: Excuse me, |
| 00:13:36 |
I gotta go take a shit. |
| 00:13:39 |
- Tiffani: I'll come with. |
| 00:13:42 |
- Zack: So you're comfortable |
| 00:13:43 |
taking off your clothes? |
| 00:13:44 |
- Casey: What? |
| 00:13:45 |
- Zack: Oh, I just assumed |
| 00:13:47 |
you were volunteering |
| 00:13:48 |
to be one of the studs |
| 00:13:49 |
in the male sale. |
| 00:13:50 |
- Casey: I'm clearly not a... |
| 00:13:52 |
stud. |
| 00:13:53 |
Are you a...a stud? |
| 00:13:55 |
I mean in the male sale? |
| 00:13:57 |
- Zack: Yes, I'm in the auction. |
| 00:13:58 |
But I sorta do |
| 00:14:00 |
everything around here. |
| 00:14:01 |
- Casey: So, wow, how'd you get |
| 00:14:04 |
into volunteering? |
| 00:14:05 |
- Zack: I'm running credit |
| 00:14:07 |
for this faggotry studies class |
| 00:14:08 |
and it's a good way |
| 00:14:10 |
to meet people. |
| 00:14:11 |
- Casey: Totally good way. |
| 00:14:12 |
- Tiffani: Well, they look |
| 00:14:13 |
like they're getting along. |
| 00:14:15 |
- Tiffani: I guess we have to pretend |
| 00:14:16 |
to like each other now. |
| 00:14:18 |
- Tiffani: Wow, you're really good |
| 00:14:19 |
at it. |
| 00:14:21 |
- Zack: What are some |
| 00:14:22 |
of your skills? |
| 00:14:23 |
- Casey: Huh? |
| 00:14:24 |
- Zack: Things you can do |
| 00:14:25 |
to help with the auction? |
| 00:14:27 |
Since we can't sell you. |
| 00:14:28 |
- Casey: Well... |
| 00:14:30 |
what are your skills? |
| 00:14:32 |
- Zack: Brochures, visual stuff, |
| 00:14:33 |
I'm an art major. |
| 00:14:35 |
I design all the posters here. |
| 00:14:36 |
- Casey: I can't even |
| 00:14:37 |
make a smiley on my cellphone. |
| 00:14:39 |
- Zack: Can you write? |
| 00:14:41 |
- Casey: Does texting count? |
| 00:14:42 |
- Zack: Maybe you could write |
| 00:14:43 |
the copy |
| 00:14:44 |
for one of the flyers |
| 00:14:45 |
I'm designing. |
| 00:14:47 |
We could work on it together. |
| 00:14:48 |
- Casey: I'd love to. |
| 00:14:49 |
- Zack: Can I get your number? |
| 00:14:51 |
- Casey: Really? |
| 00:14:52 |
- Zack: Yeah, you didn't write it |
| 00:14:53 |
on your form. |
| 00:14:55 |
- Casey: Oh, yeah. |
| 00:14:56 |
- Zack: Do you know |
| 00:14:57 |
the Blue Dahlia Café? |
| 00:14:58 |
- Casey: Uh, yeah. |
| 00:15:00 |
- Zack: Let's meet there tomorrow |
| 00:15:01 |
at 4:00. |
| 00:15:02 |
We'll put you to work. |
| 00:15:03 |
- Casey: Okay, well, here's |
| 00:15:04 |
my number and you can have it |
| 00:15:06 |
too, if you want to... |
| 00:15:08 |
- Lionel: Zack! |
| 00:15:09 |
# |
| 00:15:16 |
Can we leave this dump already? |
| 00:15:18 |
I can feel the troll |
| 00:15:19 |
sucking our youth away. |
| 00:15:20 |
- Zack: Lionel. |
| 00:15:22 |
This is my boyfriend. |
| 00:15:23 |
- Casey: Oh, great. |
| 00:15:25 |
- Lionel: Me, you, talk in private. |
| 00:15:27 |
Now. |
| 00:15:28 |
- Zack: Excuse us. |
| 00:15:29 |
You didn't have to come |
| 00:15:30 |
if you're gonna be like this. |
| 00:15:31 |
- Lionel: You're the one complaining |
| 00:15:33 |
we never get to spend |
| 00:15:34 |
enough time together. |
| 00:15:35 |
Well, here I am. |
| 00:15:36 |
- Zack: With your friends. |
| 00:15:37 |
- Lionel: Hey. |
| 00:15:38 |
We're letting you |
| 00:15:39 |
auction us off for this dump. |
| 00:15:41 |
Be grateful. |
| 00:15:42 |
Let's get out of here. |
| 00:15:44 |
- Zack: I'm signed up |
| 00:15:45 |
for another hour. |
| 00:15:46 |
- Tiffani: I'll fucking cover for you. |
| 00:15:47 |
- Zack: You don't have to do that. |
| 00:15:49 |
- Tiffani: Oh, but I want to. |
| 00:15:50 |
Besides, fleabag here |
| 00:15:52 |
gives me a rash. |
| 00:15:53 |
- Lionel: But I wasn't anywhere |
| 00:15:54 |
near your pussy. |
| 00:15:55 |
- Tiffani: Get him the fuck |
| 00:15:56 |
out of here. |
| 00:15:58 |
- Zack: Thanks, Tandy. |
| 00:16:00 |
See you soon, buddy. |
| 00:16:02 |
- Casey: Yeah, sounds.... |
| 00:16:05 |
Like that'll happen. |
| 00:16:07 |
He's sweet, nice, and hot. |
| 00:16:08 |
Of course he's taken. |
| 00:16:10 |
- Tiffani: Nah, he's just |
| 00:16:11 |
ass-pussy whipped. |
| 00:16:13 |
They won't last long. |
| 00:16:14 |
"Buddy." |
| 00:16:16 |
# |
| 00:16:20 |
- Lionel: Don't take it |
| 00:16:21 |
so personally. |
| 00:16:22 |
- Zack: Why are we together, |
| 00:16:24 |
we don't like doing |
| 00:16:25 |
the same things. |
| 00:16:26 |
- Lionel: We like doing the same. |
| 00:16:27 |
- Zack: Swallowing doesn't count. |
| 00:16:28 |
- Lionel: Swallowing counts. |
| 00:16:29 |
It's extra credit. |
| 00:16:30 |
- Zack: It's been six months |
| 00:16:32 |
and I still feel |
| 00:16:33 |
you're pulling away. |
| 00:16:34 |
- Lionel: Because you're always |
| 00:16:35 |
clinging on to me. |
| 00:16:36 |
- Zack: You won't even |
| 00:16:37 |
call us boyfriends in public. |
| 00:16:38 |
- Lionel: You know you want me |
| 00:16:40 |
inside you. |
| 00:16:41 |
- Zack: No. I'm mad, |
| 00:16:43 |
I'm not happy |
| 00:16:44 |
with how things are going. |
| 00:16:46 |
- Lionel: You're good at one thing. |
| 00:16:50 |
- Zack: Lionel. |
| 00:16:51 |
- Lionel: You're great at it. |
| 00:16:53 |
- Zack: Please, don't. |
| 00:16:55 |
# |
| 00:17:02 |
I can't believe |
| 00:17:03 |
I'm doing this. |
| 00:17:05 |
Please stop. |
| 00:17:06 |
[panting] |
| 00:17:13 |
I don't want to do this. |
| 00:17:15 |
[panting] |
| 00:17:22 |
I don't wanna.... |
| 00:17:24 |
- Lionel: Oh... |
| 00:17:26 |
Oh, yeah. |
| 00:17:27 |
No one does it better |
| 00:17:29 |
than you. |
| 00:17:30 |
# |
| 00:17:35 |
You can cling on to that |
| 00:17:36 |
anytime you like, |
| 00:17:37 |
snuggle bear. |
| 00:17:38 |
- Zack: We're through, get out. |
| 00:17:40 |
- Lionel: Can I at least |
| 00:17:41 |
come first? |
| 00:17:43 |
- Zack: Get out! |
| 00:17:44 |
- Lionel: Come on. |
| 00:17:45 |
Are you ready |
| 00:17:46 |
to say goodbye to this? |
| 00:17:48 |
- Zack: I'll slam the door on it |
| 00:17:49 |
if you don't get the fuck out. |
| 00:17:51 |
- Lionel: Good luck trying to find |
| 00:17:52 |
someone as hot as me. |
| 00:17:55 |
[door slamming] |
| 00:17:56 |
I'm gonna come right here |
| 00:17:57 |
on your front door. |
| 00:18:01 |
Yeah, you know you wish |
| 00:18:02 |
you were sucking this. |
| 00:18:04 |
- Zack: What am I doing? |
| 00:18:06 |
- Lionel: Oh yeah. |
| 00:18:09 |
Oh, fuck yeah. |
| 00:18:11 |
[panting] |
| 00:18:19 |
You know what? |
| 00:18:20 |
Enjoy being alone, |
| 00:18:21 |
whack job. |
| 00:18:28 |
- Casey: Found him! |
| 00:18:29 |
- Tiffani: Wow, stalker much? |
| 00:18:30 |
- Casey: What should I say? |
| 00:18:32 |
- Tiffani: I'm a lonely psychopath |
| 00:18:33 |
that look you up |
| 00:18:34 |
within an hour of meeting you. |
| 00:18:36 |
- Casey: Yes, I should wait |
| 00:18:37 |
until morning. |
| 00:18:38 |
- Tiffani: Then he'll think |
| 00:18:39 |
you obsessed about him |
| 00:18:40 |
all night. |
| 00:18:41 |
Don't you know anything |
| 00:18:42 |
about the internet? |
| 00:18:43 |
You should make a fake profile. |
| 00:18:45 |
- Casey: What? |
| 00:18:46 |
- Tiffani: Pretend to be |
| 00:18:47 |
a total random stranger |
| 00:18:48 |
so you can find out |
| 00:18:49 |
all his personal details. |
| 00:18:51 |
People are honest |
| 00:18:52 |
with strangers. |
| 00:18:53 |
My fake name |
| 00:18:54 |
is Tittsy Montgomery. |
| 00:18:55 |
- Casey: I could find out |
| 00:18:56 |
if he wants |
| 00:18:57 |
a serious relationship. |
| 00:18:58 |
- Tiffani: I was thinking more |
| 00:19:00 |
like cock size but whatever. |
| 00:19:03 |
You need the perfect |
| 00:19:04 |
fake picture |
| 00:19:07 |
and I know the perfect person. |
| 00:19:11 |
- Casey: Holy rim job, |
| 00:19:12 |
who is that? |
| 00:19:14 |
- Tiffani: My incredibly hot ex BF, |
| 00:19:15 |
Ryan. |
| 00:19:16 |
He's a stripper. |
| 00:19:17 |
He was supposed to be |
| 00:19:18 |
my rebound after Troy |
| 00:19:20 |
broke my heart |
| 00:19:21 |
but he has a good tongue, |
| 00:19:22 |
so I let him stay. |
| 00:19:23 |
- Casey: Why did you break up |
| 00:19:25 |
with that? |
| 00:19:30 |
- man: What if your boyfriend |
| 00:19:31 |
finds out? |
| 00:19:32 |
- Tiffani: We have |
| 00:19:33 |
an open relationship. |
| 00:19:34 |
- Ryan: Uhh, we do? |
| 00:19:37 |
- Tiffani: Ryan, this is not |
| 00:19:39 |
what it looks like. |
| 00:19:41 |
# |
| 00:19:44 |
- Ryan: Neither is this. |
| 00:19:48 |
- Tiffani: We had commitment issues. |
| 00:19:49 |
Anyway, he moved to Tucson |
| 00:19:51 |
so it's totally safe |
| 00:19:52 |
to use his pictures. |
| 00:19:53 |
- Casey: Why would I want Zack |
| 00:19:55 |
to talk to someone |
| 00:19:56 |
way hotter than I am. |
| 00:19:57 |
- Tiffani: When's the last time |
| 00:19:58 |
you opened up |
| 00:19:59 |
to an ugly stranger? |
| 00:20:01 |
Besides, you find out |
| 00:20:02 |
what you need to know, |
| 00:20:03 |
then Ryan will disappear. |
| 00:20:04 |
A fake profile |
| 00:20:05 |
is the perfect wingman. |
| 00:20:07 |
- Casey: Okay. |
| 00:20:09 |
Okay, let's do this. |
| 00:20:11 |
What's my name? |
| 00:20:12 |
- Ryan: Ryan. |
| 00:20:14 |
- Casey: Ryan. |
| 00:20:17 |
Do you agree to the following |
| 00:20:18 |
terms and conditions. |
| 00:20:19 |
Number one, |
| 00:20:20 |
GaySpaceBook.com... |
| 00:20:21 |
- Tiffani: Agree, you nerd! |
| 00:20:23 |
- Casey: You should really |
| 00:20:24 |
read these things, |
| 00:20:25 |
you never know. |
| 00:20:26 |
- Tiffani: What are you, a pilgrim? |
| 00:20:28 |
I bet you avoid |
| 00:20:29 |
handicap spaces. And vote. |
| 00:20:31 |
- Casey: Favorite movie? |
| 00:20:33 |
Roman Holiday, of course. |
| 00:20:36 |
Straight acting or not? |
| 00:20:38 |
- Tiffani: Put, "I'm gay, |
| 00:20:40 |
"why should I act anything |
| 00:20:41 |
but what I am." |
| 00:20:43 |
- Casey: Oh, you are scary good, |
| 00:20:44 |
girl. |
| 00:20:46 |
- Zack: Come on, breakup sex. |
| 00:20:50 |
You are a hottie, let's hope |
| 00:20:52 |
you're next door |
| 00:20:54 |
cause I don't feel like driving. |
| 00:20:55 |
# |
| 00:21:04 |
blip-blip-blip-blip |
| 00:21:10 |
- Casey: Looking for? |
| 00:21:11 |
First I want to develop |
| 00:21:12 |
something special with you, |
| 00:21:14 |
then we fuck each other's |
| 00:21:15 |
brains out. |
| 00:21:16 |
Perfect combination |
| 00:21:17 |
of romantic and nasty, right? |
| 00:21:18 |
- Tiffani: Whatever, |
| 00:21:19 |
no one reads those, |
| 00:21:20 |
just write them. |
| 00:21:22 |
- Zack: Oh yeah, oh... |
| 00:21:26 |
# |
| 00:21:35 |
- Zack: Yummy. |
| 00:21:38 |
- Casey: Oh, my God, it's him. |
| 00:21:40 |
What do I do? |
| 00:21:41 |
What do I write? |
| 00:21:43 |
- Tiffani: Write what you know. |
| 00:21:44 |
Well, in your case, don't. |
| 00:21:46 |
- Casey: You're not helping. |
| 00:21:48 |
# |
| 00:21:55 |
- Zack: Gotta play it cool. |
| 00:21:57 |
# |
| 00:21:59 |
- Tiffani: Hey. |
| 00:22:00 |
That's so romantic. |
| 00:22:02 |
# |
| 00:22:06 |
- Casey: Kindly help |
| 00:22:08 |
a broken hearted stranger |
| 00:22:09 |
with hours of meaningless sex! |
| 00:22:11 |
- Tiffani: Oh God, yes. |
| 00:22:13 |
# |
| 00:22:22 |
- Zack: So, get to know me. |
| 00:22:24 |
- Tiffani: Oh shit! |
| 00:22:25 |
Can he see us? |
| 00:22:26 |
- Casey: No. |
| 00:22:28 |
My camera's not on. |
| 00:22:29 |
# |
| 00:22:31 |
- Tiffani: Oh. |
| 00:22:33 |
# |
| 00:22:39 |
- Zack: Likely story. |
| 00:22:41 |
So, ask away. |
| 00:22:46 |
Thanks for starting off easy. |
| 00:22:52 |
I didn't want to put up |
| 00:22:54 |
with his shit anymore. |
| 00:22:56 |
You know how you tell yourself |
| 00:22:58 |
that it's gonna get better? |
| 00:22:59 |
You know it's not, |
| 00:23:01 |
but you hang on |
| 00:23:02 |
to any little good thing |
| 00:23:03 |
he does |
| 00:23:04 |
to prove that it might |
| 00:23:05 |
get better. |
| 00:23:09 |
Well, I guess |
| 00:23:11 |
there weren't any. |
| 00:23:12 |
Then it was just |
| 00:23:13 |
the really hot sex. |
| 00:23:19 |
Yeah. |
| 00:23:21 |
# |
| 00:23:25 |
How do you know |
| 00:23:26 |
what the little good things are? |
| 00:23:28 |
# |
| 00:23:36 |
Okay, try me. |
| 00:23:39 |
- Casey: You're an artist. |
| 00:23:42 |
I'd take you to a museum. |
| 00:23:44 |
You look like |
| 00:23:45 |
a basketball fan. |
| 00:23:47 |
Lakers tickets. |
| 00:23:49 |
Massage, good bottle of wine. |
| 00:23:53 |
And little things |
| 00:23:55 |
like bringing you |
| 00:23:57 |
something to drink |
| 00:23:58 |
without you having to ask. |
| 00:24:00 |
# |
| 00:24:04 |
- Tiffani: Well done, Ms. Cleo. |
| 00:24:06 |
- Zack: What can I do |
| 00:24:07 |
to get you to come over here |
| 00:24:09 |
right now. |
| 00:24:10 |
- Tiffani: Oh, strip. |
| 00:24:15 |
- Zack: Date? |
| 00:24:16 |
You already know me |
| 00:24:17 |
inside and out, |
| 00:24:18 |
I think I'm in love. |
| 00:24:19 |
Wait, I know. |
| 00:24:23 |
If you don't come over... |
| 00:24:26 |
- Casey: He is not! |
| 00:24:28 |
- Zack: Here's |
| 00:24:29 |
what you'll be missing. |
| 00:24:33 |
- Tiffani: Get out of my way! |
| 00:24:34 |
Holy clit! |
| 00:24:36 |
- Casey: Oh, my God. |
| 00:24:38 |
- Zack: Oh shit. |
| 00:24:39 |
- Casey: I cannot believe... |
| 00:24:41 |
- Tiffani: You spilled |
| 00:24:42 |
your Sunny Delight. |
| 00:24:44 |
How could you? |
| 00:24:46 |
- Casey: You owe me a computer! |
| 00:24:48 |
And a boyfriend. |
| 00:24:52 |
- Tiffani: He's a fake. |
| 00:24:53 |
No one can be that hot |
| 00:24:54 |
and that nice, |
| 00:24:55 |
it's against the nature. |
| 00:24:57 |
- Zack: But he has tons |
| 00:24:58 |
of profile pictures, |
| 00:24:59 |
he must be real. |
| 00:25:00 |
- Tiffani: You still believe |
| 00:25:01 |
The Hills is real. |
| 00:25:02 |
- Zack: If he was a fake, |
| 00:25:04 |
he would've watched me jack off. |
| 00:25:05 |
- Tiffani: I just threw up |
| 00:25:06 |
a little bit in my pussy. |
| 00:25:15 |
- Tiffani: Maybe it's not |
| 00:25:16 |
a good idea for us to hang out? |
| 00:25:18 |
I don't believe you. |
| 00:25:20 |
- Casey: Zack's single now, |
| 00:25:21 |
so the reason we invented Ryan |
| 00:25:22 |
doesn't matter anymore. |
| 00:25:23 |
I mean, why keep up |
| 00:25:25 |
the charade? |
| 00:25:26 |
- Tiffani: Why email him at all? |
| 00:25:27 |
Just disappear. |
| 00:25:28 |
You're still |
| 00:25:29 |
pretending to be Ryan, |
| 00:25:30 |
even if it is just |
| 00:25:32 |
to dump him. |
| 00:25:33 |
- Casey: I'm just being polite. |
| 00:25:34 |
- Tiffani: You're just keeping him |
| 00:25:35 |
and his pretty dick hanging on, |
| 00:25:37 |
so you still have access |
| 00:25:38 |
to him |
| 00:25:39 |
in case he doesn't go |
| 00:25:41 |
for exhibit A. |
| 00:25:42 |
- Casey: You're right. |
| 00:25:43 |
If he normally gets prime rib |
| 00:25:45 |
like Ryan, |
| 00:25:46 |
why would he settle for... |
| 00:25:49 |
- Tiffani: Turkey burger? |
| 00:25:51 |
# |
| 00:25:57 |
- Zack: I blew it, Mr. Fake |
| 00:25:58 |
doesn't wanna meet me. |
| 00:25:59 |
- Tiffani: Because he's not real. |
| 00:26:01 |
- Zack: I came on too strong. |
| 00:26:02 |
- Tiffani: Gay men hate guys |
| 00:26:03 |
who do that. |
| 00:26:04 |
- Zack: He was trying |
| 00:26:05 |
to get to know me |
| 00:26:07 |
but I went from zero |
| 00:26:08 |
to sixty-nine. |
| 00:26:09 |
- Tiffani: There are millions of men |
| 00:26:11 |
who can fuck first |
| 00:26:12 |
and then fall in love. |
| 00:26:13 |
- Zack: But I don't want other men, |
| 00:26:15 |
I want him. |
| 00:26:16 |
- Tiffani: My mom warned me |
| 00:26:17 |
I was turning into a fag hag. |
| 00:26:19 |
- Zack: You're not a fag hag. |
| 00:26:20 |
- Tiffani: I'm gonna be a fat spinster |
| 00:26:22 |
whose only sexual outlet |
| 00:26:23 |
is sucking off drunken homos. |
| 00:26:25 |
- Zack: You'd suck me off |
| 00:26:26 |
if I were drunk, right? |
| 00:26:28 |
- Tiffani: My fag hag days |
| 00:26:30 |
are over. |
| 00:26:31 |
# |
| 00:26:35 |
- Tiffani: Now separate |
| 00:26:36 |
the finger nails |
| 00:26:37 |
from the toe nails. |
| 00:26:38 |
- Casey: Ew, what? |
| 00:26:39 |
- Tiffani: Busy work. |
| 00:26:40 |
You still have |
| 00:26:41 |
fifteen minutes left. |
| 00:26:42 |
- Casey: I must get ready |
| 00:26:44 |
for my date. |
| 00:26:45 |
- Tiffani: It's not a date, |
| 00:26:46 |
queef-cake. |
| 00:26:47 |
- Casey: It's a date, |
| 00:26:48 |
he just doesn't know it yet. |
| 00:26:50 |
- Tiffani: My, my, look who went |
| 00:26:51 |
and downloaded some balls. |
| 00:26:52 |
- Casey: He might've seen |
| 00:26:54 |
Ryan's picture online |
| 00:26:55 |
last night, |
| 00:26:57 |
but he was talking to me. |
| 00:26:58 |
We have a connection. |
| 00:27:00 |
At least we will |
| 00:27:01 |
by the end of the night. |
| 00:27:03 |
# |
| 00:27:09 |
- Tiffani: Fuck, I've got |
| 00:27:10 |
to see this. |
| 00:27:17 |
# |
| 00:27:27 |
- Zack: Sorry I'm late. |
| 00:27:29 |
- Casey: Oh, no problem, |
| 00:27:30 |
I had nothing else to do. |
| 00:27:31 |
Wait, that sounds bad. |
| 00:27:33 |
- Zack: No it doesn't, |
| 00:27:34 |
you just moved here. |
| 00:27:35 |
- Casey: I...I drafted up |
| 00:27:38 |
some ideas |
| 00:27:40 |
for the male sale flyers. |
| 00:27:44 |
I Google-imaged you. |
| 00:27:46 |
- Zack: Whoa, these are great. |
| 00:27:47 |
Thanks for giving me |
| 00:27:48 |
extra abs. |
| 00:27:49 |
- Casey: Those are yours |
| 00:27:50 |
and you know it. |
| 00:27:52 |
- Zack: Thanks for the ego boost, |
| 00:27:53 |
I could really use one |
| 00:27:54 |
right about now. |
| 00:27:55 |
- Casey: I'm sorry |
| 00:27:57 |
about your breakup. |
| 00:27:58 |
- Zack: How did you know? |
| 00:27:59 |
- Casey: Oh! I... |
| 00:28:01 |
- Zack: Lionel? |
| 00:28:02 |
He's a big fucking mouth. |
| 00:28:03 |
- Casey: That's one of the reasons |
| 00:28:04 |
I don't like the gay community. |
| 00:28:06 |
- Zack: I think the gay community |
| 00:28:07 |
is more diverse |
| 00:28:09 |
than you give it credit for. |
| 00:28:10 |
- Casey: Well, I think he's crazy |
| 00:28:11 |
for breaking up with you. |
| 00:28:13 |
- Zack: I broke up with him. |
| 00:28:14 |
- Casey: Sorry. |
| 00:28:15 |
- Zack: No big deal. |
| 00:28:17 |
He's not what's bothering me. |
| 00:28:18 |
I met this guy online |
| 00:28:19 |
last night, Ryan, oh, my God. |
| 00:28:21 |
You have never seen |
| 00:28:23 |
anything like him, |
| 00:28:24 |
and he was so totally into me |
| 00:28:26 |
until I blew it. |
| 00:28:27 |
- Casey: You think you blew it? |
| 00:28:28 |
- Zack: Yeah, I got too sexual. |
| 00:28:30 |
A fatal flaw. |
| 00:28:31 |
- Casey: Well, if he was just |
| 00:28:32 |
a hot body, those are... |
| 00:28:33 |
- Zack: It was more than that. |
| 00:28:35 |
This guy connected with me. |
| 00:28:36 |
He was smart and funny |
| 00:28:38 |
and he knew me. |
| 00:28:39 |
- Casey: He sounds too good |
| 00:28:41 |
to be true. |
| 00:28:42 |
- Zack: Yeah, he probably |
| 00:28:43 |
is fake. |
| 00:28:45 |
I can't believe |
| 00:28:46 |
I'm telling you all this. |
| 00:28:47 |
I normally don't talk to guys |
| 00:28:49 |
about my social life. |
| 00:28:50 |
- Casey: You seem |
| 00:28:51 |
pretty comfortable. |
| 00:28:52 |
- Zack: You make me feel |
| 00:28:53 |
comfortable, Casey. |
| 00:28:55 |
- Casey: Hey, maybe sometime |
| 00:28:56 |
you and I could... |
| 00:28:59 |
- Zack: Oh my God, that's him. |
| 00:29:00 |
# |
| 00:29:03 |
How do I look? |
| 00:29:04 |
- Casey: Huh? |
| 00:29:05 |
- Zack: How do I look? |
| 00:29:07 |
- Casey: Uh...gorgeous. |
| 00:29:08 |
Are you sure... |
| 00:29:09 |
- Zack: Wish me luck. |
| 00:29:10 |
# |
| 00:29:12 |
- Casey: Good fucking luck. |
| 00:29:15 |
- Zack: Hey, Ryan1989. |
| 00:29:17 |
- Ryan: Hey...you. |
| 00:29:19 |
- Zack: I was beginning to think |
| 00:29:21 |
you were imaginary like |
| 00:29:22 |
a smurf or something. |
| 00:29:24 |
- Ryan: Nope, I'm all real. |
| 00:29:26 |
- Zack: You can say that again. |
| 00:29:28 |
- Ryan: Mind if I don't? |
| 00:29:29 |
# |
| 00:29:49 |
- Zack: We're both here, |
| 00:29:50 |
you wanna give this a shot |
| 00:29:51 |
and go out some night? |
| 00:29:52 |
- Ryan: Uuh... |
| 00:29:54 |
# |
| 00:29:55 |
- Tiffani: Ryan, look who's back. |
| 00:29:58 |
Don't they have stripper poles |
| 00:30:00 |
in Tucson? |
| 00:30:01 |
- Ryan: Tiffany, did you get |
| 00:30:03 |
a boob job? |
| 00:30:04 |
- Tiffani: No, I'm still saving up. |
| 00:30:06 |
- Casey: What's going on? |
| 00:30:07 |
- Zack: Casey, this is Ryan |
| 00:30:09 |
from the Internet. |
| 00:30:10 |
You look so much better |
| 00:30:11 |
than your pictures, doesn't he? |
| 00:30:13 |
- Tiffani: Now, how would Casey |
| 00:30:16 |
have seen Ryan's cute |
| 00:30:18 |
little disco boy picture. |
| 00:30:20 |
- Ryan: Yeah, you mean |
| 00:30:22 |
my picture with the headband |
| 00:30:24 |
and yellow gym shorts. |
| 00:30:25 |
- Zack: Yellow mesh gym shorts. |
| 00:30:27 |
Rarrr. |
| 00:30:28 |
And then there's that one |
| 00:30:30 |
where you're on the beach |
| 00:30:31 |
with some blond chick |
| 00:30:33 |
and your bulge. |
| 00:30:34 |
- Tiffani: Yeah, Ryan loves |
| 00:30:36 |
nailing blonds. |
| 00:30:38 |
- Ryan: Yeah, but I love |
| 00:30:39 |
nailing brunettes, too. |
| 00:30:41 |
- Tiffani: Brunette women, |
| 00:30:42 |
Ryan's straight, |
| 00:30:43 |
we used to fuck. |
| 00:30:45 |
I took that picture. |
| 00:30:46 |
- Zack: He wasn't straight |
| 00:30:47 |
last night. |
| 00:30:48 |
- Ryan: Yeah, after |
| 00:30:49 |
fucking Tiffani |
| 00:30:50 |
I just gave up on women. |
| 00:30:52 |
It happens to you a lot, huh? |
| 00:30:54 |
- Tiffani: Oh, you little cum monkey. |
| 00:30:55 |
- Ryan: So, let's give this |
| 00:30:57 |
a shot. |
| 00:30:58 |
When do you want to hang out? |
| 00:31:03 |
- Casey: Ugh, this sucks. |
| 00:31:05 |
I just set up |
| 00:31:06 |
the hottest couple |
| 00:31:07 |
in the universe. |
| 00:31:09 |
When their hot muscled bodies |
| 00:31:10 |
come together, |
| 00:31:11 |
they'll probably form |
| 00:31:12 |
like Voltron or something. |
| 00:31:14 |
- Tiffani: He's lying. |
| 00:31:15 |
If Ryan's gay, |
| 00:31:16 |
I'll eat my own twat. |
| 00:31:17 |
- Casey: What kind of straight guy |
| 00:31:19 |
goes on a date |
| 00:31:20 |
with another man? |
| 00:31:21 |
- Tiffani: He was a stripper |
| 00:31:22 |
at a gay bar. |
| 00:31:23 |
He would clean a toilet |
| 00:31:25 |
with his dick for a dollar. |
| 00:31:26 |
He's just trying |
| 00:31:27 |
to get back at me. |
| 00:31:28 |
- Casey: Oh... |
| 00:31:29 |
Zack wanna talk to me |
| 00:31:31 |
about what they should do |
| 00:31:32 |
on their Barbie dream date |
| 00:31:33 |
because I make him feel |
| 00:31:35 |
comfortable. |
| 00:31:36 |
- Tiffani: No smiley. |
| 00:31:38 |
This is serious. |
| 00:31:40 |
My God, you're like |
| 00:31:42 |
his fag hag now. |
| 00:31:45 |
- Casey: I hate my life. |
| 00:31:48 |
# |
| 00:32:04 |
- Zack: Casey, great, |
| 00:32:05 |
you can do my back. |
| 00:32:07 |
Oh my God, are you ok? |
| 00:32:09 |
- Casey: Yeah, it's just |
| 00:32:11 |
a little ouchy, that's all. |
| 00:32:13 |
- Zack: Ouchy? |
| 00:32:14 |
- Casey: Never mind, it's fine. |
| 00:32:16 |
- Zack: Good. Squirt me. |
| 00:32:18 |
- Casey: Okay. |
| 00:32:22 |
- Zack: God, I'm as nervous |
| 00:32:23 |
as Isaiah Washington's |
| 00:32:24 |
hairdresser. |
| 00:32:25 |
- Casey: About the date? |
| 00:32:26 |
- Zack: Yes, about the date. |
| 00:32:28 |
He was so hot and cold |
| 00:32:29 |
at the café. |
| 00:32:30 |
Isn't he cute? |
| 00:32:31 |
- Casey: I'm not really |
| 00:32:33 |
into guys that...hot. |
| 00:32:35 |
- Zack: Really? |
| 00:32:36 |
Okay, your turn. |
| 00:32:37 |
- Casey: Oh, I'm not |
| 00:32:39 |
a taking off my shirt in public |
| 00:32:40 |
kind of guy. |
| 00:32:41 |
- Zack: Don't tell me you have |
| 00:32:43 |
body issues. |
| 00:32:44 |
Take it off or I will. |
| 00:32:45 |
- Casey: Okay, okay. |
| 00:32:47 |
You know, when we, mere mortals, |
| 00:32:48 |
are around gods like you, |
| 00:32:49 |
how can we not... |
| 00:32:51 |
- Zack: Please, you've got |
| 00:32:52 |
a great body. |
| 00:32:53 |
And, besides, some guys |
| 00:32:54 |
like 'em not all exercised. |
| 00:32:56 |
Here. |
| 00:32:57 |
So what should I do |
| 00:32:59 |
on my date? |
| 00:33:00 |
- Casey: You mean besides sex? |
| 00:33:01 |
- Zack: I don't want it to be |
| 00:33:03 |
about sex. |
| 00:33:04 |
When we chatted online |
| 00:33:05 |
he had all these ideas |
| 00:33:06 |
for great things to do |
| 00:33:08 |
and I wanna come up |
| 00:33:09 |
with some great idea, too. |
| 00:33:10 |
- Casey: Ok, well what's your dream |
| 00:33:12 |
first date? |
| 00:33:13 |
- Zack: Wow, I guess I never |
| 00:33:14 |
really thought about it. |
| 00:33:15 |
- Casey: You've never fantasized |
| 00:33:17 |
about the perfect first date? |
| 00:33:18 |
- Zack: I was too busy |
| 00:33:19 |
going on real dates. |
| 00:33:20 |
- Casey: Asshole. |
| 00:33:22 |
- Zack: Well, clearly |
| 00:33:23 |
someone's thought about it. |
| 00:33:24 |
Tell me yours, Romeo. |
| 00:33:26 |
- Casey: Okay. |
| 00:33:27 |
We're in Italy, well, Rome. |
| 00:33:28 |
- Zack: Oh, my God, |
| 00:33:29 |
are you serious? |
| 00:33:30 |
I'm obsessed with Italy. |
| 00:33:31 |
- Casey: You are? |
| 00:33:32 |
- Zack: Yeah, I've been wanting |
| 00:33:34 |
to go to Italy |
| 00:33:35 |
since I was like three. |
| 00:33:36 |
I'm going after graduation |
| 00:33:37 |
if I can save enough cash. |
| 00:33:39 |
I've got like $3,200 saved |
| 00:33:40 |
so far. |
| 00:33:41 |
- Casey: I can't wait to go. |
| 00:33:43 |
Someday. |
| 00:33:44 |
- Zack: Well, I can't exactly |
| 00:33:45 |
take Ryan to Italy tonight. |
| 00:33:46 |
So, do you got any dream dates |
| 00:33:48 |
that are a little more |
| 00:33:49 |
practical? |
| 00:33:51 |
- Casey: Okay, well my dream date, |
| 00:33:53 |
it's intimate. |
| 00:33:54 |
Like I make him dinner |
| 00:33:57 |
so it's personal. |
| 00:33:58 |
- Zack: Yeah, something |
| 00:33:59 |
at your place, |
| 00:34:00 |
just the two of you, |
| 00:34:02 |
no distractions. |
| 00:34:03 |
- Casey: Yeah, and maybe I'd have |
| 00:34:04 |
a fun theme for the meal. |
| 00:34:06 |
- Zack: Italian. |
| 00:34:07 |
- Casey: Perfetto. |
| 00:34:08 |
- Zack: Pasta, pinot grigio, |
| 00:34:10 |
some funky Italian music. |
| 00:34:11 |
- Casey: That's all I'd need |
| 00:34:13 |
because the best first dates |
| 00:34:15 |
are the ones |
| 00:34:16 |
where the conversation's |
| 00:34:18 |
just really easy. |
| 00:34:19 |
- Zack: And it flows cause |
| 00:34:21 |
you're both listening |
| 00:34:22 |
to each other |
| 00:34:23 |
like you're focused. |
| 00:34:24 |
- Casey: And there are |
| 00:34:26 |
those moments |
| 00:34:27 |
when you're looking |
| 00:34:28 |
into each other's eyes, |
| 00:34:31 |
wondering if maybe he's thinking |
| 00:34:32 |
the same thing. |
| 00:34:34 |
- Zack: That sometime tonight |
| 00:34:35 |
we're gonna... |
| 00:34:37 |
- Casey: Kiss. |
| 00:34:39 |
# |
| 00:34:55 |
- Zack: Exactly. |
| 00:34:56 |
Kiss. |
| 00:34:57 |
Oh my God! |
| 00:34:59 |
- Casey: What? |
| 00:35:00 |
- Zack: You totally inspired me, |
| 00:35:01 |
I have the perfect date. |
| 00:35:02 |
Scoot. |
| 00:35:03 |
He's not gonna know |
| 00:35:05 |
what hit him. |
| 00:35:06 |
I can't thank you enough. |
| 00:35:07 |
# |
| 00:35:10 |
- Casey: Well, text me |
| 00:35:11 |
if you need help! |
| 00:35:13 |
Text me if you need help. |
| 00:35:14 |
# |
| 00:35:30 |
[phone ringing] |
| 00:35:34 |
- Ryan: If you're trying |
| 00:35:35 |
to stop me, it won't work. |
| 00:35:36 |
- Tiffani: If you think |
| 00:35:37 |
going on a fake gay date |
| 00:35:39 |
will make me jealous, |
| 00:35:40 |
you're dumber |
| 00:35:41 |
than a flock of Palins. |
| 00:35:42 |
- Ryan: I don't want that, |
| 00:35:44 |
I just wanna piss you off. |
| 00:35:45 |
- Tiffani: You cheated too! |
| 00:35:46 |
- Ryan: It's not about that, |
| 00:35:48 |
it's about you putting pubes |
| 00:35:49 |
in my protein powder |
| 00:35:50 |
the next day. |
| 00:35:51 |
- Tiffani: They weren't even mine. |
| 00:35:53 |
- Ryan: And poking holes |
| 00:35:54 |
in my contact lenses, |
| 00:35:55 |
Putting crabs in my drawer. |
| 00:35:57 |
And using my toothbrush |
| 00:35:58 |
to clean the... |
| 00:36:00 |
- Tiffani: Ok, I'm a jealous woman. |
| 00:36:02 |
But at least I feel something. |
| 00:36:04 |
You're an emotionless stripper |
| 00:36:06 |
who uses his body |
| 00:36:07 |
as a bargaining chip. |
| 00:36:08 |
And that's not gonna |
| 00:36:09 |
get you anything |
| 00:36:11 |
but a dirty dollar bill |
| 00:36:12 |
shoved up your ass. |
| 00:36:13 |
- Ryan: You're fat. |
| 00:36:15 |
Have a good night. |
| 00:36:17 |
I know I will. |
| 00:36:19 |
# |
| 00:36:26 |
[doorbell ringing] |
| 00:36:28 |
# |
| 00:36:34 |
- Zack: Ryan, right on time. |
| 00:36:35 |
- Ryan: Hey, look, |
| 00:36:37 |
I gotta talk to you |
| 00:36:38 |
about this Internet thing. |
| 00:36:39 |
- Zack: I know, me too, |
| 00:36:41 |
come on in. |
| 00:36:43 |
I saw on your profile |
| 00:36:45 |
that Roman Holiday |
| 00:36:46 |
is your favorite movie. |
| 00:36:47 |
It's also mine. |
| 00:36:48 |
So I've got |
| 00:36:49 |
a special little tour for you, |
| 00:36:51 |
come on. |
| 00:36:52 |
As you know, |
| 00:36:53 |
when Audrey Hepburn |
| 00:36:54 |
sneaks out of the consulate, |
| 00:36:56 |
Gregory Peck shows her |
| 00:36:57 |
the sights of Rome. |
| 00:36:58 |
So here we have |
| 00:36:59 |
the Sistine Chapel, |
| 00:37:00 |
painted by Michelangelo. |
| 00:37:02 |
Italian wine. |
| 00:37:09 |
Next we have an exact replica |
| 00:37:11 |
of the Trevi Fountain. |
| 00:37:14 |
[water running] |
| 00:37:18 |
- Ryan: That's pretty cool. |
| 00:37:20 |
- Zack: And our last stop |
| 00:37:21 |
is the mouth of truth, |
| 00:37:24 |
you know, |
| 00:37:25 |
the most famous scene |
| 00:37:26 |
in the movie. |
| 00:37:27 |
- Ryan: Yeah. |
| 00:37:28 |
- Zack: So put your hand |
| 00:37:29 |
in its mouth |
| 00:37:31 |
and if you're lying to me |
| 00:37:32 |
it'll get bitten off. |
| 00:37:34 |
And don't tell my landlord |
| 00:37:35 |
about the hole. |
| 00:37:42 |
- Zack: Rarrr! |
| 00:37:43 |
- Ryan: You scared the shit |
| 00:37:44 |
out of me! |
| 00:37:46 |
- Zack: Your hand's still here. |
| 00:37:47 |
I knew you wouldn't lie to me. |
| 00:37:50 |
- Ryan: You're an amazing guy |
| 00:37:52 |
and I don't deserve you. |
| 00:37:54 |
I gotta go. |
| 00:38:00 |
- Casey: Text me, text me, |
| 00:38:03 |
text me, text me. |
| 00:38:05 |
[phone beeping] |
| 00:38:09 |
I love you, Zack! |
| 00:38:12 |
# |
| 00:38:16 |
- Zack: It's nice to have a friend |
| 00:38:18 |
who will listen |
| 00:38:19 |
to my romantic problems. |
| 00:38:20 |
- Casey: I told you to text me |
| 00:38:22 |
if you needed help and you did. |
| 00:38:23 |
And I'm here to help. |
| 00:38:25 |
- Zack: Can you help me |
| 00:38:26 |
find a boyfriend? |
| 00:38:30 |
- Casey: Oh my God, |
| 00:38:31 |
is that the mouth of truth? |
| 00:38:34 |
- Zack: Yeah, his profile said |
| 00:38:36 |
his favorite movie |
| 00:38:37 |
was Roman Holiday, so. |
| 00:38:38 |
- Casey: You did that for him? |
| 00:38:40 |
- Zack: It's stupid. |
| 00:38:41 |
- Casey: It's the most |
| 00:38:42 |
romantic thing |
| 00:38:44 |
I've ever seen. |
| 00:38:48 |
See, I'm telling the truth. |
| 00:38:51 |
- Zack: Yeah, I actually had |
| 00:38:52 |
this whole Roman Holiday tour. |
| 00:38:54 |
There's the Colossum, |
| 00:38:56 |
I ate half of it. |
| 00:38:59 |
- Casey: Zack, there's something |
| 00:39:01 |
I should tell you. |
| 00:39:03 |
I haven't been honest with you. |
| 00:39:05 |
I... |
| 00:39:07 |
[doorbell ringing] |
| 00:39:08 |
- Zack: Great, who's that? |
| 00:39:11 |
Oh my God, Ryan? |
| 00:39:12 |
- Ryan: Hey man, there's something |
| 00:39:14 |
I gotta tell you. |
| 00:39:16 |
Oh, did you tell him? |
| 00:39:18 |
- Zack: Tell me what? |
| 00:39:20 |
- Casey: I was just about to. |
| 00:39:21 |
- Ryan: Of course you were. |
| 00:39:22 |
That wasn't me |
| 00:39:24 |
you were talking to online. |
| 00:39:25 |
Him and Tiffani |
| 00:39:26 |
made a fake profile |
| 00:39:27 |
and used my picture. |
| 00:39:28 |
- Zack: What? |
| 00:39:29 |
- Ryan: I don't even |
| 00:39:30 |
have a profile. |
| 00:39:32 |
I'm not even gay. |
| 00:39:33 |
- Casey: Zack, |
| 00:39:34 |
it's not what it sounds like. |
| 00:39:35 |
- Zack: Did you pretend to be him? |
| 00:39:37 |
- Casey: Yes, but it was only |
| 00:39:39 |
because I didn't want |
| 00:39:40 |
to look like a stalker, |
| 00:39:41 |
which I know I totally like now. |
| 00:39:43 |
- Zack: My first |
| 00:39:44 |
genuine conversation in years |
| 00:39:45 |
was with a total fake. |
| 00:39:46 |
And why? |
| 00:39:47 |
So you can fuck me? |
| 00:39:48 |
- Casey: No, I mean yes, |
| 00:39:49 |
I mean more than that. |
| 00:39:51 |
The things I said were true. |
| 00:39:52 |
- Ryan: Dude, if you liked him, |
| 00:39:54 |
why didn't you just tell him. |
| 00:39:55 |
- Zack: And you let me take you |
| 00:39:57 |
on that whole fucking tour |
| 00:39:58 |
like some kind of idiot. |
| 00:39:59 |
Get the fuck out! |
| 00:40:01 |
Both of you. |
| 00:40:02 |
- Casey: Zack, I'm sorry. |
| 00:40:04 |
Is that... |
| 00:40:05 |
- Zack: Get out! |
| 00:40:11 |
- Casey: I was in the middle |
| 00:40:13 |
of telling him, you know. |
| 00:40:14 |
- Ryan: Sorry man, |
| 00:40:15 |
it was a crappy thing |
| 00:40:16 |
you guys did. |
| 00:40:17 |
- Casey: I just wanted |
| 00:40:18 |
to get his attention. |
| 00:40:19 |
- Ryan: You coulda got it |
| 00:40:21 |
without getting |
| 00:40:22 |
all stalker-azzi on him. |
| 00:40:23 |
- Casey: With guys like you |
| 00:40:24 |
walking around? |
| 00:40:25 |
- Ryan: Even if I was gay, |
| 00:40:26 |
it wouldn't have worked out. |
| 00:40:28 |
He was less |
| 00:40:29 |
into what I looked like |
| 00:40:30 |
and more into what you said. |
| 00:40:32 |
Anyway, sorry. |
| 00:40:33 |
- Casey: No, it's my own damn fault. |
| 00:40:38 |
- Tiffani: This is Tandy, |
| 00:40:39 |
impress me. |
| 00:40:41 |
And if you're |
| 00:40:42 |
one of my gay friends |
| 00:40:43 |
and just had a bad date, |
| 00:40:44 |
I'm not calling you back |
| 00:40:46 |
for three days. |
| 00:40:47 |
Because I'm not a fag hag! |
| 00:40:50 |
# |
| 00:40:59 |
- Helen: Casey, right? |
| 00:41:00 |
- Casey: Yeah. |
| 00:41:02 |
- Helen: I'm Harry. |
| 00:41:03 |
That's my name, |
| 00:41:04 |
not that I am hairy. |
| 00:41:08 |
Honey, what's wrong? |
| 00:41:10 |
You look like Liberace |
| 00:41:11 |
after they put the seat back |
| 00:41:13 |
on his piano stool. |
| 00:41:16 |
Wrong generation. |
| 00:41:17 |
Never mind. |
| 00:41:19 |
You look like you could use |
| 00:41:21 |
some company tonight. |
| 00:41:22 |
- Casey: Oh, I'm not interested. |
| 00:41:23 |
- Helen: On, no, darling. |
| 00:41:26 |
You're adorable |
| 00:41:28 |
but you're far too young for me. |
| 00:41:29 |
Us in bed would be |
| 00:41:31 |
like teaching calculus |
| 00:41:32 |
to a preschooler. |
| 00:41:34 |
No. |
| 00:41:35 |
Sex with men |
| 00:41:36 |
who have the maturity |
| 00:41:37 |
of an experienced lover, |
| 00:41:39 |
there's nothing quite like it. |
| 00:41:40 |
- Casey: T.M.I. |
| 00:41:42 |
- Helen: Pardon? |
| 00:41:43 |
- Casey: Nothing. |
| 00:41:44 |
- Helen: Let me guess. |
| 00:41:45 |
Some strapping thing |
| 00:41:47 |
has broken your heart. |
| 00:41:48 |
- Casey: Is it that obvious? |
| 00:41:50 |
- Helen: Either that or Miley Cyrus |
| 00:41:51 |
died. |
| 00:41:52 |
See, I'm not that dated. |
| 00:41:56 |
- Casey: Yeah, it's a guy. |
| 00:41:58 |
No, no, it's me. |
| 00:42:01 |
I was a complete jerk. |
| 00:42:03 |
And I knew it |
| 00:42:04 |
while it was happening |
| 00:42:05 |
but I did it anyway. |
| 00:42:06 |
And now I'll never |
| 00:42:07 |
get to show Zack |
| 00:42:09 |
what a great boyfriend I can be. |
| 00:42:10 |
Now I'll never even have |
| 00:42:12 |
a boyfriend. |
| 00:42:13 |
And I'll wind up alone |
| 00:42:15 |
until I'm all old and... |
| 00:42:18 |
Sorry. |
| 00:42:19 |
- Helen: Oh dear heart, |
| 00:42:21 |
there's worse things |
| 00:42:22 |
than not having a boyfriend. |
| 00:42:24 |
Like trudging bare foot uphill |
| 00:42:26 |
through five miles of snow |
| 00:42:28 |
just to find the nearest |
| 00:42:29 |
homosexual saloon. |
| 00:42:32 |
It was a joke. |
| 00:42:34 |
I'm not that old. |
| 00:42:36 |
- Casey: You're not? |
| 00:42:37 |
- Helen: Well now, |
| 00:42:38 |
that was just not pretty. |
| 00:42:40 |
All I'm saying is, |
| 00:42:41 |
as dark as it may seem, |
| 00:42:43 |
I think your generation |
| 00:42:44 |
has it pretty easy |
| 00:42:45 |
when it comes to finding |
| 00:42:47 |
all the other fish |
| 00:42:51 |
in the sea. |
| 00:42:54 |
I bet you're thinking |
| 00:42:55 |
right now |
| 00:42:56 |
that the obvious solution |
| 00:42:57 |
is something that I used to do |
| 00:43:00 |
when I was trying |
| 00:43:01 |
to get over someone. |
| 00:43:03 |
- Casey: What's that? |
| 00:43:04 |
- Helen: Well I used to think |
| 00:43:06 |
that a good roll in the hay |
| 00:43:07 |
would be all I needed |
| 00:43:09 |
but I was wrong. |
| 00:43:11 |
Sleeping with someone |
| 00:43:13 |
to get over someone else |
| 00:43:15 |
never works. |
| 00:43:18 |
- Lionel: Casey, right? |
| 00:43:19 |
- Casey: Yeah. |
| 00:43:20 |
- Helen: Trust me on this, |
| 00:43:22 |
it never works. |
| 00:43:24 |
- Lionel: You want to go somewhere |
| 00:43:25 |
and talk? |
| 00:43:28 |
- Helen: Never. |
| 00:43:30 |
- Casey: Sure. |
| 00:43:37 |
- Helen: Never learn. |
| 00:43:43 |
- Casey: That drink was strong, |
| 00:43:45 |
like drinking blood straight |
| 00:43:47 |
from Amy Winehouse's wrist. |
| 00:43:49 |
- Lionel: God, I'm glad I met you. |
| 00:43:51 |
Last guy I dated, Zack, |
| 00:43:52 |
such a fucking loser. |
| 00:43:54 |
He was a good kisser. |
| 00:43:56 |
- Casey: Kissing's overrated. |
| 00:43:58 |
How good was he? |
| 00:44:00 |
- Lionel: Incredible. |
| 00:44:01 |
Always started off the same way. |
| 00:44:04 |
Two pecks. |
| 00:44:07 |
Then a deeper kiss. |
| 00:44:12 |
Followed by a bite |
| 00:44:13 |
to the lower lip. |
| 00:44:19 |
And repeat. |
| 00:44:21 |
# |
| 00:44:28 |
- Lionel: Get back in. |
| 00:44:31 |
# |
| 00:44:40 |
We should fuck. |
| 00:44:41 |
Is that your bed? |
| 00:44:42 |
- Casey: I don't usually do that |
| 00:44:44 |
on the first... |
| 00:44:45 |
- Lionel: Yeah, neither do I. |
| 00:44:46 |
Right behind you. |
| 00:44:49 |
# |
| 00:45:04 |
# |
| 00:45:14 |
# |
| 00:45:30 |
# |
| 00:45:45 |
# |
| 00:46:00 |
# |
| 00:46:05 |
- Tiffani: Hi, |
| 00:46:06 |
how can I hurt you today? |
| 00:46:07 |
- Ryan: We gotta talk. |
| 00:46:09 |
- Tiffani: We have nothing |
| 00:46:10 |
to talk about. |
| 00:46:11 |
- Ryan: Five minutes, |
| 00:46:12 |
that's all I ask. |
| 00:46:19 |
- Tiffani: You need to have |
| 00:46:20 |
an appointment. |
| 00:46:23 |
- Ryan: We gotta do something |
| 00:46:24 |
about Zack and Casey. |
| 00:46:25 |
- Tiffani: What do you mean, |
| 00:46:27 |
I thought you were gay for Zack. |
| 00:46:28 |
- Ryan: Come on, |
| 00:46:30 |
you know I'm not gay. |
| 00:46:34 |
- Ryan: You know I was just |
| 00:46:36 |
trying to piss you off. |
| 00:46:37 |
- Tiffani: Well, it didn't work, |
| 00:46:38 |
clit monger. |
| 00:46:43 |
Why would you want to help them. |
| 00:46:45 |
- Ryan: They seem like they |
| 00:46:46 |
actually belong together. |
| 00:46:47 |
And I messed that up. |
| 00:46:49 |
- Tiffani: My God, |
| 00:46:50 |
you have feelings? |
| 00:46:51 |
I thought your fortes |
| 00:46:52 |
fortes was cheating |
| 00:46:53 |
and home wrecking. |
| 00:46:55 |
- Ryan: You cheated too. |
| 00:46:56 |
- Tiffani: He wasn't inside me yet. |
| 00:46:57 |
- Ryan: We both fucked up. |
| 00:46:58 |
But this is our chance |
| 00:47:00 |
to do something right. |
| 00:47:04 |
- Tiffani: Aww. |
| 00:47:06 |
Tyra moment. |
| 00:47:11 |
How do we get them together? |
| 00:47:13 |
Zack clearly prefers to be |
| 00:47:14 |
with gorgeous people |
| 00:47:15 |
like me and you. |
| 00:47:16 |
- Ryan: It takes a lot more |
| 00:47:18 |
than a gym |
| 00:47:19 |
and some cucumbers |
| 00:47:20 |
to make someone gorgeous. |
| 00:47:21 |
- Tiffani: The point is Casey |
| 00:47:23 |
isn't even on Zack's menu. |
| 00:47:24 |
- Ryan: Exactly! |
| 00:47:25 |
We're ordering |
| 00:47:26 |
from the wrong menu. |
| 00:47:27 |
We gotta go |
| 00:47:29 |
to another restaurant |
| 00:47:30 |
where Zack is |
| 00:47:31 |
and order the hot dog. |
| 00:47:32 |
Because we really |
| 00:47:33 |
just want the bun. |
| 00:47:36 |
- Tiffani: Or we could trick them |
| 00:47:38 |
into a date. |
| 00:47:39 |
- Ryan: That's what I just said. |
| 00:47:42 |
# |
| 00:47:51 |
- Tiffani: Hey there sausage, |
| 00:47:52 |
why the long dick. |
| 00:47:54 |
- Zack: Oh, it's you. |
| 00:47:57 |
- Tiffani: Yes, it's me, |
| 00:47:59 |
the slut with the heart of shit. |
| 00:48:01 |
- Zack: No argument here. |
| 00:48:03 |
- Tiffani: I know. |
| 00:48:04 |
I'm sorry, |
| 00:48:05 |
I owe you a cocktail, |
| 00:48:07 |
or at least a hand job. |
| 00:48:09 |
- Zack: You've done enough, |
| 00:48:10 |
really. |
| 00:48:13 |
Actually, |
| 00:48:14 |
there is something you can do. |
| 00:48:16 |
Find me an auctioneer |
| 00:48:17 |
for the male sale. |
| 00:48:19 |
- Tiffani: I'll do it. |
| 00:48:21 |
I used to run the auction |
| 00:48:22 |
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch. |
| 00:48:23 |
- Zack: Really? |
| 00:48:25 |
- Tiffani: Yeah. |
| 00:48:26 |
There's a lot people |
| 00:48:27 |
don't know about me. |
| 00:48:31 |
Listen. |
| 00:48:33 |
You need to know the truth |
| 00:48:34 |
about what went down with Casey. |
| 00:48:36 |
- Zack: Casey can suck my balls. |
| 00:48:37 |
- Tiffani: Well, that's what he's been |
| 00:48:39 |
trying to say all along. |
| 00:48:40 |
- Zack: You know what I mean. |
| 00:48:41 |
- Tiffani: I know. |
| 00:48:43 |
Come on, let me buy you |
| 00:48:44 |
a drink later. |
| 00:48:46 |
You shouldn't be alone |
| 00:48:47 |
during this delicate juncture. |
| 00:48:49 |
Trust me, I've been there. |
| 00:48:53 |
Where is your fag hag anyway? |
| 00:48:57 |
Oh, come on, |
| 00:48:58 |
I'll sub for her. |
| 00:49:00 |
- Zack: You can't sub |
| 00:49:02 |
for a best friend. |
| 00:49:03 |
- Tiffani: You're gay |
| 00:49:04 |
and I'm a straight girl |
| 00:49:05 |
of big tits. |
| 00:49:06 |
Evolution has |
| 00:49:07 |
genetically programmed us |
| 00:49:09 |
to be there for each other. |
| 00:49:10 |
Like the clown fish |
| 00:49:11 |
and the sea anemone. |
| 00:49:12 |
Now, what'd you say? |
| 00:49:21 |
- Ryan: Casey! |
| 00:49:22 |
- Casey: Oh, hey. |
| 00:49:23 |
- Ryan: You, me, drinks. |
| 00:49:24 |
Tonight. |
| 00:49:26 |
- Casey: No. |
| 00:49:27 |
What's up with you |
| 00:49:28 |
going out with gay guys. |
| 00:49:29 |
- Ryan: I want to make up |
| 00:49:31 |
for screwing up your game. |
| 00:49:32 |
- Casey: Yeah, I don't think |
| 00:49:33 |
a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is |
| 00:49:35 |
straight guys drink |
| 00:49:36 |
is gonna help. |
| 00:49:37 |
- Ryan: I'll put an umbrella in it. |
| 00:49:39 |
Awesome. |
| 00:49:40 |
I'll pick you up at 6:00. |
| 00:49:43 |
- Casey: Awesome. |
| 00:49:56 |
- Tiffani: It's me. |
| 00:49:57 |
- Ryan: We're set. |
| 00:49:58 |
- Tiffani: Great! |
| 00:50:00 |
Now be a good little stripper |
| 00:50:01 |
and do whatever it takes |
| 00:50:02 |
to get those boys all |
| 00:50:04 |
horned up and ready to blow. |
| 00:50:05 |
- Ryan: I think they care |
| 00:50:06 |
about more than sex. |
| 00:50:08 |
- Tiffani: Jesus, you sound |
| 00:50:09 |
like a woman that isn't me. |
| 00:50:10 |
Of course they care about sex. |
| 00:50:13 |
If they don't, |
| 00:50:14 |
that's what the alcohol's for. |
| 00:50:15 |
- Ryan: Well, you just show up |
| 00:50:16 |
when you're supposed to. |
| 00:50:18 |
- Tiffani: Honey, I'm a as reliable |
| 00:50:19 |
as birth control. |
| 00:50:21 |
- Ryan: That's not a 100%. |
| 00:50:22 |
- Tiffani: Take it or leave it. |
| 00:50:25 |
# |
| 00:50:29 |
- Zack: Tandy, |
| 00:50:31 |
what's up dragon lady? |
| 00:50:32 |
- Tiffani: I got your non-call, |
| 00:50:33 |
leave a fucking V.M. next time. |
| 00:50:35 |
- Zack: You said |
| 00:50:36 |
you didn't want to hear |
| 00:50:37 |
about gay problems. |
| 00:50:38 |
- Tiffani: Good point, |
| 00:50:39 |
thanks for sparing me |
| 00:50:40 |
the Queer as Folk rerun. |
| 00:50:41 |
Where are we going? |
| 00:50:42 |
- Zack: To hang out |
| 00:50:43 |
with my new friend, |
| 00:50:44 |
remember that girl, Tiffani. |
| 00:50:45 |
- Tiffani: The sluttier version |
| 00:50:46 |
of Tara Reid? |
| 00:50:47 |
You're hanging out with her? |
| 00:50:49 |
- Zack: She wanted to hear |
| 00:50:50 |
about my problems. |
| 00:50:51 |
- Tiffani: I smell a rat |
| 00:50:53 |
with fake tits. |
| 00:50:57 |
- Tiffani: To all the boys I fucked |
| 00:50:59 |
and never called back. |
| 00:51:00 |
- Zack: That must be |
| 00:51:01 |
like a hundred. |
| 00:51:03 |
- Tiffani: Like ten years ago maybe. |
| 00:51:04 |
- Z Here's to me catching up. |
| 00:51:12 |
- Tiffani: So, this whole Internet... |
| 00:51:15 |
- Zack: Lie. |
| 00:51:16 |
- Tiffani: Performance |
| 00:51:17 |
was totally 100% my idea. |
| 00:51:20 |
Casey had nothing to do |
| 00:51:21 |
with it. |
| 00:51:23 |
- Zack: But he's the one |
| 00:51:24 |
who chatted with me, right? |
| 00:51:27 |
- Tiffani: Yes. |
| 00:51:28 |
But I practically raped him |
| 00:51:31 |
into it. |
| 00:51:33 |
- Zack: So what he said, |
| 00:51:34 |
how much of that was him? |
| 00:51:38 |
- Tiffani: Just the good stuff. |
| 00:51:41 |
- Zack: He's lucky to have you, |
| 00:51:43 |
except for the raping part. |
| 00:51:46 |
- Tiffani: To the raping part. |
| 00:51:48 |
- Zack: To the raping part. |
| 00:51:51 |
# |
| 00:52:00 |
# |
| 00:52:10 |
- Tiffani: Trust me, |
| 00:52:11 |
this is so much better |
| 00:52:12 |
than shaving. |
| 00:52:13 |
- Zack: That feels really weird. |
| 00:52:17 |
- Tiffani: Assholes |
| 00:52:18 |
are like snowflakes. |
| 00:52:21 |
Speaking of pretty assholes, |
| 00:52:23 |
why were you dating |
| 00:52:24 |
that Lionel guy? |
| 00:52:26 |
- Zack: What? |
| 00:52:27 |
You've never dated |
| 00:52:28 |
an asshole before? |
| 00:52:30 |
- Tiffani: Honey, |
| 00:52:32 |
assholes are attracted to me |
| 00:52:35 |
like shit to assholes. |
| 00:52:38 |
- Zack: And why did you stay |
| 00:52:40 |
with them? |
| 00:52:41 |
- Tiffani: Sex. |
| 00:52:42 |
- Zack: Exactly! |
| 00:52:43 |
I have the same problem, |
| 00:52:45 |
I can't say no to cock. |
| 00:52:46 |
- Tiffani: Oh, you're fucking |
| 00:52:47 |
to the choir. |
| 00:52:49 |
Dick, it just like blinds me, |
| 00:52:52 |
you know. |
| 00:52:54 |
- Zack: You ripped out |
| 00:52:55 |
my sphincter! |
| 00:52:59 |
- Tiffani: My turn. |
| 00:53:01 |
- Ryan: You know, |
| 00:53:02 |
Zack is totally into you. |
| 00:53:05 |
- Casey: No he's not. |
| 00:53:06 |
I need to give up |
| 00:53:08 |
and go for someone uglier. |
| 00:53:10 |
Not like Michael Stipe ugly, |
| 00:53:12 |
but at least |
| 00:53:14 |
Rufus Wainwright ugly. |
| 00:53:16 |
- Ryan: I don't watch that show. |
| 00:53:19 |
But I've been watching |
| 00:53:20 |
gay guys for years. |
| 00:53:22 |
See, they don't think |
| 00:53:23 |
the strippers can see back, |
| 00:53:25 |
but we totally can. |
| 00:53:27 |
You guys' problem is |
| 00:53:28 |
you don't even talk |
| 00:53:29 |
to each other, |
| 00:53:31 |
you're always waiting |
| 00:53:32 |
for someone else |
| 00:53:33 |
to make the first move. |
| 00:53:35 |
- Casey: I gave him my number, |
| 00:53:36 |
I volunteered for the male sale, |
| 00:53:38 |
I took off my shirt for him. |
| 00:53:40 |
I stalked him on the Internet. |
| 00:53:42 |
I made all the moves. |
| 00:53:44 |
- Ryan: But when'd you tell him |
| 00:53:46 |
you liked him. |
| 00:53:49 |
- Tiffani: You know, |
| 00:53:50 |
you could cheat on me, |
| 00:53:54 |
steal all my money |
| 00:53:55 |
and kill my mother |
| 00:53:57 |
but if you're hot, |
| 00:53:59 |
I'll make excuses for you |
| 00:54:00 |
until the day you leave me. |
| 00:54:07 |
Or turn gay. |
| 00:54:09 |
Or both. |
| 00:54:12 |
Oh, damn, |
| 00:54:15 |
all out of liquor. |
| 00:54:16 |
Let's get out of here. |
| 00:54:18 |
You can have that one, |
| 00:54:19 |
I got plenty at home. |
| 00:54:22 |
# |
| 00:54:28 |
- Ryan: That pizza |
| 00:54:29 |
ought to be here any minute. |
| 00:54:31 |
- Casey: Yum, pizza. |
| 00:54:33 |
- Ryan: What if |
| 00:54:35 |
your boyfriend Zack |
| 00:54:36 |
was the delivery boy? |
| 00:54:37 |
- Casey: You are such a stripper. |
| 00:54:40 |
And he's not my boyfriend. |
| 00:54:43 |
- Ryan: I gotta hit the head, |
| 00:54:44 |
get the door if the pizza comes. |
| 00:54:46 |
- Casey: Ok. |
| 00:54:49 |
# |
| 00:55:04 |
# |
| 00:55:20 |
# |
| 00:55:35 |
- Casey: You've been |
| 00:55:37 |
a very bad boy. |
| 00:55:40 |
You have the right |
| 00:55:41 |
to remain sexy. |
| 00:55:43 |
Anything you touch |
| 00:55:45 |
will be held against you |
| 00:55:46 |
in the court of my... |
| 00:55:49 |
[doorbell ringing] |
| 00:55:53 |
Hit me with that pepperoni! |
| 00:55:55 |
- Zack: Casey? |
| 00:55:59 |
- Tiffani: Gotta go, |
| 00:56:00 |
you two work it out, bye. |
| 00:56:03 |
- Zack: Damn it! |
| 00:56:05 |
- Casey: Hey Zack. |
| 00:56:06 |
- Zack: Nice hat. |
| 00:56:12 |
- Tiffani: Are they fucking yet? |
| 00:56:13 |
- Ryan: Not even close. |
| 00:56:15 |
Is this gonna work? |
| 00:56:17 |
- Tiffani: Trust me, it's science. |
| 00:56:18 |
If you leave |
| 00:56:19 |
two dicks together, |
| 00:56:20 |
eventually one of them's |
| 00:56:22 |
going to need sucking. |
| 00:56:23 |
Like prison. |
| 00:56:24 |
- Casey: I'm really sorry |
| 00:56:27 |
about what I did. |
| 00:56:29 |
- Zack: Who does stuff like that? |
| 00:56:31 |
- Casey: People with no self-esteem? |
| 00:56:34 |
- Zack: It's kinda mean. |
| 00:56:35 |
- Casey: I'm sorry, |
| 00:56:36 |
it got out of hand. |
| 00:56:37 |
I just...I wanted to... |
| 00:56:40 |
I don't know. |
| 00:56:41 |
I wanted to meet you. |
| 00:56:42 |
- Zack: You did meet me. |
| 00:56:44 |
- Casey: I know, |
| 00:56:45 |
I'm just an idiot. |
| 00:56:49 |
- Zack: It's not a big deal, |
| 00:56:51 |
it's over. |
| 00:56:55 |
- Tiffani: Come on, |
| 00:56:56 |
this is the part |
| 00:56:57 |
where you fuck him. |
| 00:56:59 |
- Ryan: Man, |
| 00:57:00 |
he just looked at you. |
| 00:57:01 |
Look back. |
| 00:57:03 |
- Tiffani: The dick sucking |
| 00:57:04 |
principle should take effect |
| 00:57:05 |
any second. |
| 00:57:06 |
- Ryan: Nah, I've seen guys |
| 00:57:07 |
do this at the club. |
| 00:57:08 |
They'll sit there for hours |
| 00:57:09 |
and never say a word, |
| 00:57:11 |
no matter how much |
| 00:57:12 |
they like each other. |
| 00:57:13 |
- Tiffani: Go do something. |
| 00:57:14 |
- Ryan: There's nothing I can do. |
| 00:57:15 |
Except... |
| 00:57:17 |
- Tiffani: What? |
| 00:57:19 |
- Ryan: Work my stripper magic. |
| 00:57:20 |
- Tiffani: Stripper magic? |
| 00:57:21 |
- Ryan: When I see two guys |
| 00:57:23 |
doing this at the club, |
| 00:57:24 |
I'll get between them |
| 00:57:25 |
and make them put their hands |
| 00:57:26 |
all over me. |
| 00:57:28 |
Then, I'll get out of the way |
| 00:57:29 |
and they're so worked up |
| 00:57:31 |
that they're |
| 00:57:32 |
all over each other. |
| 00:57:33 |
- Tiffani: You're like a stripper |
| 00:57:34 |
Harriett Tubman. |
| 00:57:35 |
- Ryan: Exactly! |
| 00:57:36 |
- Tiffani: Get to it Harriett, |
| 00:57:37 |
the dogs are coming. |
| 00:57:40 |
# |
| 00:57:48 |
- Zack: Thank God, |
| 00:57:49 |
can we leave now? |
| 00:57:50 |
- Ryan: You boys sit right there, |
| 00:57:51 |
this party's |
| 00:57:53 |
just getting started. |
| 00:57:55 |
# |
| 00:57:57 |
Let me show you |
| 00:57:59 |
some classic stripper moves. |
| 00:58:01 |
- Casey: What the fuck |
| 00:58:02 |
are you doing? |
| 00:58:03 |
- Ryan: You guys |
| 00:58:04 |
are at full attention, |
| 00:58:06 |
and Sergeant Ryan's here |
| 00:58:07 |
to release it. |
| 00:58:12 |
Now, both of you |
| 00:58:15 |
make a wish and pull. |
| 00:58:18 |
- Casey: You've got |
| 00:58:19 |
to be kidding me. |
| 00:58:20 |
- Zack: Well it is |
| 00:58:21 |
kind of an ugly shirt. |
| 00:58:23 |
- Casey: Totally generic. |
| 00:58:26 |
- Ryan: That's more like it. |
| 00:58:30 |
Free. |
| 00:58:31 |
Now, rip open |
| 00:58:33 |
rigid Ryan's jeans. |
| 00:58:35 |
- Casey: You're straight? |
| 00:58:36 |
- Ryan: We're just three dudes |
| 00:58:38 |
having some fun. |
| 00:58:39 |
Now pull. |
| 00:58:44 |
- Zack: Are you hard? |
| 00:58:46 |
- Ryan: Maybe. |
| 00:58:47 |
Are you? |
| 00:58:50 |
Gotta get out of these pants. |
| 00:58:54 |
# |
| 00:58:59 |
There's never a sexy way |
| 00:59:00 |
to get the jeans off. |
| 00:59:02 |
- Casey: I don't know, |
| 00:59:03 |
that's pretty... |
| 00:59:04 |
- Zack: Sexy. |
| 00:59:05 |
- Ryan: Your turn. |
| 00:59:06 |
- Casey: For what? |
| 00:59:07 |
- Ryan: For your free lesson |
| 00:59:08 |
in exotic dancing, |
| 00:59:09 |
it's an actual skill you know. |
| 00:59:11 |
- Zack: I'm in. |
| 00:59:12 |
- Casey: I'll watch. |
| 00:59:13 |
- Ryan: No looky-loos, come on. |
| 00:59:15 |
Undo your shirts. |
| 00:59:16 |
With more confidence. |
| 00:59:17 |
A slow reveal. |
| 00:59:22 |
Good. |
| 00:59:24 |
Now, when you get |
| 00:59:25 |
to the last button, |
| 00:59:26 |
take your shirt at the collar |
| 00:59:28 |
and slowly peel it off. |
| 00:59:31 |
Good, that's hot. |
| 00:59:32 |
- Casey: Yeah. |
| 00:59:33 |
- Ryan: Now, pull your pants off |
| 00:59:35 |
like I did, |
| 00:59:36 |
and lead forward, |
| 00:59:37 |
like this. |
| 00:59:40 |
# |
| 00:59:43 |
Come on, we're in underwear. |
| 00:59:45 |
Zack, come here, take a side. |
| 00:59:51 |
- Casey: Well, |
| 00:59:52 |
that was certainly fun. |
| 00:59:55 |
- Ryan: Now give me a lap dance. |
| 01:00:00 |
- Zack: How's this? |
| 01:00:01 |
- Ryan: You dance |
| 01:00:02 |
like a straight boy. |
| 01:00:04 |
You need to move them |
| 01:00:05 |
like this. |
| 01:00:06 |
You're all thrust and no grind. |
| 01:00:08 |
Casey, come here. |
| 01:00:09 |
Put your hands here. |
| 01:00:12 |
Feel this. |
| 01:00:14 |
That's hot. |
| 01:00:17 |
# |
| 01:00:24 |
You know, |
| 01:00:26 |
you guys make a hot couple. |
| 01:00:30 |
Guys, I think I'm gonna... |
| 01:00:32 |
- Zack: You're not |
| 01:00:33 |
gonna go anywhere |
| 01:00:34 |
when you're that hard. |
| 01:00:36 |
# |
| 01:00:47 |
# |
| 01:00:56 |
- Ryan: Oh yeah. |
| 01:00:58 |
That's so hot. |
| 01:00:59 |
- Tiffani: Oh my God, |
| 01:01:01 |
that is so fucking hot! |
| 01:01:04 |
[moaning] |
| 01:01:19 |
[panting] |
| 01:01:26 |
- Ryan: Fuck yeah, |
| 01:01:28 |
work that pussy. |
| 01:01:31 |
# |
| 01:01:40 |
- Tandy: And what do we have here? |
| 01:01:42 |
Shew, get away. |
| 01:01:44 |
- Tiffani: I don't do |
| 01:01:45 |
the lesbian thing anymore. |
| 01:01:46 |
- Tandy: I knew |
| 01:01:47 |
this was gonna happen. |
| 01:01:48 |
- Tiffani: You did? |
| 01:01:50 |
Get over here. |
| 01:01:54 |
- Ryan: What the... |
| 01:01:55 |
- Zack: Ready for the Zack special? |
| 01:01:58 |
# |
| 01:02:01 |
Help me. |
| 01:02:05 |
- Ryan: Holy crap. |
| 01:02:08 |
Oh yeah, I've never had |
| 01:02:09 |
two months before, yeah, |
| 01:02:11 |
one of you do the balls. |
| 01:02:14 |
Oh my God! |
| 01:02:19 |
- Tandy: Why are you fucking |
| 01:02:20 |
with Zack? |
| 01:02:21 |
- Tiffani: Technically |
| 01:02:22 |
I'm watching them |
| 01:02:24 |
fuck with Zack. |
| 01:02:25 |
- Tandy: I'm breaking up |
| 01:02:26 |
that blow fest right now. |
| 01:02:27 |
- Tiffani: Over my hot dead body. |
| 01:02:29 |
- Tandy: That's what |
| 01:02:30 |
I was planning. |
| 01:02:39 |
Oh! |
| 01:02:42 |
Is that pussy juice? |
| 01:02:45 |
- Tiffani: A thousand dollars worth. |
| 01:02:48 |
Oh! |
| 01:02:52 |
- Ryan: Guys, I'm gonna... |
| 01:02:54 |
I'm gonna... |
| 01:02:55 |
I'm gonna... |
| 01:02:56 |
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson! |
| 01:03:00 |
- Tiffani: I've never heard that |
| 01:03:01 |
without anything |
| 01:03:02 |
in my pussy before. |
| 01:03:06 |
[moaning] |
| 01:03:16 |
[panting] |
| 01:03:27 |
- Casey: Wow. |
| 01:03:29 |
- Zack: Wow. |
| 01:03:32 |
- Ryan: Wow! |
| 01:03:34 |
- Tandy: You fucking bitch. |
| 01:03:36 |
- Tiffani: Let me kick |
| 01:03:37 |
that pussy again. |
| 01:03:38 |
- Zack: Tandy? |
| 01:03:40 |
- Casey: Tiffani? |
| 01:03:41 |
- Tiffani: Sorry I'm late. |
| 01:03:42 |
Woman things. |
| 01:03:48 |
God, I miss that cock. |
| 01:03:50 |
- Zack: Are you ok? |
| 01:03:52 |
- Tandy: Kill the bitch. |
| 01:03:53 |
- Zack: What the hell happened? |
| 01:03:55 |
- Tandy: I was trying |
| 01:03:56 |
to protect you. |
| 01:03:57 |
- Zack: I appreciate it |
| 01:03:58 |
but it turns out |
| 01:04:00 |
that everything's just fine. |
| 01:04:02 |
Better than fine. |
| 01:04:03 |
- Tandy: What? |
| 01:04:04 |
Are you life partners now? |
| 01:04:06 |
- Zack: I think we're... |
| 01:04:08 |
- Tiffani: Thanks to me and Ryan, |
| 01:04:12 |
and Ryan's friend. |
| 01:04:14 |
- Casey: Zack, I have |
| 01:04:15 |
the perfect first date for us. |
| 01:04:17 |
- Zack: Like your first date |
| 01:04:18 |
with him? |
| 01:04:23 |
You're just like everyone else. |
| 01:04:25 |
Fuck you! |
| 01:04:32 |
- Tandy: You're all assholes. |
| 01:04:37 |
- Tiffani: I miss how we fuck. |
| 01:04:38 |
- Ryan: Rigid Ryan misses you too. |
| 01:04:41 |
- Tiffani: Oh come on, |
| 01:04:43 |
let's go suck the gay |
| 01:04:44 |
out of your cock. |
| 01:04:47 |
# |
| 01:04:57 |
- Zack: I hate the Internet. |
| 01:04:58 |
- Tiffani: You can use it |
| 01:05:00 |
for things other than sex. |
| 01:05:01 |
- Zack: Like what? |
| 01:05:02 |
- Tiffani: Well, |
| 01:05:03 |
maybe gay people can't. |
| 01:05:04 |
- Zack: Speaking |
| 01:05:06 |
of trolling for sex, |
| 01:05:07 |
I can't believe |
| 01:05:08 |
Casey just slept |
| 01:05:09 |
with the first thing |
| 01:05:10 |
that looked at him. |
| 01:05:11 |
- Tiffani: Ugh, I hate him. |
| 01:05:12 |
But in his defense, |
| 01:05:13 |
you did sort of reject him. |
| 01:05:15 |
- Zack: So? |
| 01:05:16 |
- Tiffani: What did you do |
| 01:05:17 |
when Lionel rejected you? |
| 01:05:18 |
You trolled... |
| 01:05:19 |
- Both: Online for sex. |
| 01:05:21 |
- Zack: I hate |
| 01:05:22 |
that you're always right. |
| 01:05:24 |
It's like Jesus is my fag hag. |
| 01:05:26 |
Wait, sorry, |
| 01:05:27 |
I know you don't like |
| 01:05:28 |
being called... |
| 01:05:29 |
- Tiffani: I'm dealing with it. |
| 01:05:31 |
I'm your fag hag. |
| 01:05:32 |
Not a fag hag. |
| 01:05:34 |
Your fag hag. |
| 01:05:36 |
- Zack: Thank you sweetie. |
| 01:05:40 |
- Tiffani: But if I'm your fag hag, |
| 01:05:41 |
then you're my gay bitch. |
| 01:05:45 |
- Zack: Gay bitch |
| 01:05:47 |
loves his fag hag. |
| 01:05:49 |
- Tiffani: You better bitch, |
| 01:05:50 |
I got a black eye for you. |
| 01:06:03 |
- Helen: Casey? Honey? |
| 01:06:04 |
- Casey: I'm moving back home. |
| 01:06:06 |
Can you drop me off |
| 01:06:07 |
at the bus station |
| 01:06:08 |
when I'm done packing? |
| 01:06:09 |
- Helen: I thought you were |
| 01:06:11 |
making new friends? |
| 01:06:12 |
Don't you like it here? |
| 01:06:13 |
The cheap rent, |
| 01:06:14 |
the beautiful weather, |
| 01:06:15 |
the abundance of gay ass. |
| 01:06:18 |
- Casey: I turned everything |
| 01:06:19 |
into a big wet mess. |
| 01:06:21 |
- Helen: Oh honey, |
| 01:06:22 |
it can't be that bad. |
| 01:06:23 |
- Casey: It's horrible! |
| 01:06:24 |
It's like 9/11 but with sex. |
| 01:06:26 |
- Helen: Like a 69/11. |
| 01:06:28 |
- Casey: You're horrible. |
| 01:06:30 |
- Helen: Oh honey, come on. |
| 01:06:31 |
I don't know what kind |
| 01:06:33 |
of orgie-astic corfafel |
| 01:06:34 |
you've gotten yourself |
| 01:06:35 |
wrapped up in. |
| 01:06:36 |
But I do know |
| 01:06:37 |
that when you run |
| 01:06:39 |
from your problems, |
| 01:06:40 |
the location might change |
| 01:06:41 |
but your problems |
| 01:06:42 |
will be right there |
| 01:06:43 |
waiting for you. |
| 01:06:44 |
Only there |
| 01:06:46 |
you won't have cheap rent |
| 01:06:47 |
and this beautiful weather. |
| 01:06:48 |
- Casey: What about |
| 01:06:49 |
the abundance of gay ass? |
| 01:06:50 |
- Helen: Honey, |
| 01:06:51 |
you can find that anywhere. |
| 01:06:53 |
Now come on, |
| 01:06:54 |
tell your auntie Helen |
| 01:06:55 |
all about your problem. |
| 01:06:56 |
I promise you won't shock me. |
| 01:06:58 |
- Casey: Ok, I pretended |
| 01:07:00 |
to be Ryan to Zack online |
| 01:07:01 |
but then Ryan showed up |
| 01:07:02 |
and went out with Zack |
| 01:07:04 |
to get back at Tiffani. |
| 01:07:05 |
Anyway, |
| 01:07:06 |
I think Zack realized |
| 01:07:07 |
he liked me for who I am |
| 01:07:09 |
and not the way Ryan looked |
| 01:07:10 |
but he never told me. |
| 01:07:12 |
So I fucked Lionel |
| 01:07:13 |
who was probably just |
| 01:07:14 |
trying to get back at Zack, |
| 01:07:15 |
and then Ryan got Zack and me |
| 01:07:17 |
to give him a blowjob |
| 01:07:18 |
in order to get us together. |
| 01:07:20 |
And it actually worked. |
| 01:07:21 |
Until Zack got a videoclip |
| 01:07:22 |
of me and Lionel doing it. |
| 01:07:24 |
- Helen: So, Zack never told you |
| 01:07:26 |
how he felt. |
| 01:07:28 |
- Casey: Yeah. |
| 01:07:29 |
- Helen: And you're just |
| 01:07:30 |
gonna leave town |
| 01:07:31 |
without giving him a chance to. |
| 01:07:33 |
- Tiffani: You're not leaving town |
| 01:07:34 |
you fuck tard. |
| 01:07:35 |
We have a date |
| 01:07:36 |
and I'm not running |
| 01:07:37 |
that auction alone. |
| 01:07:39 |
- Helen: The slut's right. |
| 01:07:40 |
Don't pussy out |
| 01:07:41 |
on the youth center |
| 01:07:42 |
just because someone hurt |
| 01:07:43 |
your dick's feelings. |
| 01:07:44 |
- Tiffani: Love her. |
| 01:07:46 |
Besides, when you run |
| 01:07:47 |
from your problems, |
| 01:07:48 |
the location may change... |
| 01:07:49 |
- Casey: I already got that speech. |
| 01:07:51 |
- Tiffani: Than what are |
| 01:07:52 |
we waiting for, |
| 01:07:53 |
cum boy, |
| 01:07:54 |
we're gonna be late. |
| 01:07:55 |
- Helen: Bah-bye. |
| 01:07:58 |
# |
| 01:08:03 |
- Tiffani: I smell an open bar. |
| 01:08:04 |
- Helen: Get me anything |
| 01:08:06 |
with a whiskey |
| 01:08:07 |
and nothing else. |
| 01:08:08 |
- Zack: Oh good, you came. |
| 01:08:11 |
- Tiffani: Oh my God, I did. |
| 01:08:12 |
- Casey: Zack, I... |
| 01:08:14 |
- Zack: Here's the stuff |
| 01:08:15 |
you need to say. |
| 01:08:16 |
Don't bomb. |
| 01:08:17 |
- Tiffani: What's a "ligabut?" |
| 01:08:18 |
- Zack: That's LGBT. |
| 01:08:20 |
- Tiffani: What's that? |
| 01:08:21 |
- Zack: Jesus Christ, |
| 01:08:22 |
I have to get you |
| 01:08:23 |
to the green room. |
| 01:08:24 |
- Casey: Zack, wait, |
| 01:08:25 |
I came to apologize. |
| 01:08:26 |
- Zack: Funny, |
| 01:08:27 |
originally you said |
| 01:08:28 |
you were coming |
| 01:08:29 |
to support the gay community. |
| 01:08:30 |
- Casey: You know the gay scene |
| 01:08:32 |
isn't really my thing. |
| 01:08:33 |
- Zack: You know |
| 01:08:34 |
for someone who talks down |
| 01:08:35 |
on the gay scene so much, |
| 01:08:37 |
you really go out of your way |
| 01:08:38 |
to represent the worst of it. |
| 01:08:41 |
# |
| 01:08:47 |
- Lionel: Blowjob for your thoughts? |
| 01:08:48 |
- Zack: What do you want? |
| 01:08:50 |
- Lionel: Come on, all I did |
| 01:08:51 |
was prove that the guy |
| 01:08:52 |
you thought was your friend |
| 01:08:54 |
is just a big phony. |
| 01:08:55 |
You should be happy. |
| 01:08:56 |
- Zack: You thought |
| 01:08:57 |
that sending me your sex video |
| 01:08:59 |
would make me happy? |
| 01:09:00 |
- Lionel: I had to do something |
| 01:09:01 |
to keep you apart. |
| 01:09:02 |
- Zack: Why? |
| 01:09:03 |
- Lionel: You know why. |
| 01:09:04 |
- Zack: Say it. |
| 01:09:05 |
- Lionel: I was jealous, alright? |
| 01:09:06 |
- Zack: I knew it. |
| 01:09:07 |
- Lionel: And it wasn't just that. |
| 01:09:09 |
I could tell |
| 01:09:10 |
you were connecting with him. |
| 01:09:11 |
I want you back. |
| 01:09:12 |
Can you feel |
| 01:09:13 |
how badly I want you back? |
| 01:09:15 |
- Zack: I don't care |
| 01:09:16 |
how hot you are, |
| 01:09:17 |
I need more. |
| 01:09:18 |
- Lionel: You're so deep. |
| 01:09:19 |
- Zack: If it's deep |
| 01:09:20 |
to want someone |
| 01:09:21 |
who's gonna respect me |
| 01:09:22 |
and listen to me |
| 01:09:23 |
and inspire me to do things |
| 01:09:24 |
that I'd never thought I'd do. |
| 01:09:26 |
Then yeah, I'm deep. |
| 01:09:27 |
And you're too shallow for me. |
| 01:09:29 |
- Lionel: Good luck raising money |
| 01:09:30 |
for your charity |
| 01:09:31 |
without auctioning off my ass |
| 01:09:32 |
and my friend's asses. |
| 01:09:33 |
- Zack: You wouldn't, |
| 01:09:35 |
this is for the community. |
| 01:09:36 |
- Lionel: Fuck the community. |
| 01:09:37 |
- Zack: Lionel! |
| 01:09:42 |
- Tiffani: Hello, hello queers |
| 01:09:44 |
and wannabes. |
| 01:09:46 |
Welcome to the tenth |
| 01:09:48 |
annual male sale. |
| 01:09:50 |
Tenth? |
| 01:09:51 |
I didn't think |
| 01:09:53 |
a gay could commit to anything |
| 01:09:54 |
for that long. |
| 01:09:56 |
I'm Tiffani, |
| 01:09:57 |
your mattress of ceremonies. |
| 01:10:00 |
- Man: I love that drag queen. |
| 01:10:02 |
[laughing] |
| 01:10:05 |
- Casey: Zack, I'm sorry, I... |
| 01:10:12 |
- Zack: Now's your chance |
| 01:10:13 |
to prove you're really here |
| 01:10:15 |
to support the community. |
| 01:10:16 |
- Casey: What? |
| 01:10:17 |
- Zack: Lionel and his friends |
| 01:10:18 |
dropped out of the auction |
| 01:10:19 |
and I need you |
| 01:10:20 |
and the strip master here |
| 01:10:21 |
to get in your boxers |
| 01:10:23 |
and let me sell you. |
| 01:10:24 |
- Casey: Take off my shirt on stage? |
| 01:10:26 |
Zack, I'm sorry... |
| 01:10:27 |
- Zack: This is more important |
| 01:10:28 |
than whoever |
| 01:10:29 |
you're sleeping with |
| 01:10:30 |
or lying to. |
| 01:10:31 |
This money helps support |
| 01:10:32 |
the Matthew Shepard |
| 01:10:33 |
Youth Program, |
| 01:10:34 |
the Matthew Shepard |
| 01:10:35 |
reading room, |
| 01:10:36 |
the Matthew Shepard hotline |
| 01:10:37 |
and the Matthew Shepard |
| 01:10:38 |
homeless synchronized swim team. |
| 01:10:42 |
- Tiffani: Alright, |
| 01:10:43 |
finally let's get |
| 01:10:44 |
to the prostituting. |
| 01:10:47 |
Auctioning. |
| 01:10:50 |
Bring out the meat. |
| 01:10:52 |
For our first stud |
| 01:10:54 |
we have Lionel! |
| 01:11:02 |
Casey! |
| 01:11:05 |
- Helen: Woo, Casey! |
| 01:11:06 |
You go boy! |
| 01:11:07 |
- Tiffani: Look at his |
| 01:11:09 |
rippling muscles and sexy... |
| 01:11:12 |
I'm sorry, |
| 01:11:13 |
this was for the guy |
| 01:11:15 |
we were supposed to have. |
| 01:11:18 |
Look at his...personality. |
| 01:11:23 |
Casey is an out of towner |
| 01:11:26 |
that enjoys |
| 01:11:27 |
cruising online for Zack, |
| 01:11:29 |
talking about Zack, |
| 01:11:30 |
and working at Nail Me Salon. |
| 01:11:33 |
Located at |
| 01:11:34 |
4255 Hawthorne Lane, |
| 01:11:36 |
call for an appointment. |
| 01:11:38 |
Take off your shirt! |
| 01:11:41 |
Ok, now we're talking. |
| 01:11:44 |
Have you ever seen |
| 01:11:46 |
such white flesh. |
| 01:11:50 |
Ok, let's get |
| 01:11:51 |
the bidding started. |
| 01:11:52 |
Who's gonna be first? |
| 01:11:53 |
50 dollars, |
| 01:11:55 |
we got a 50 dollar bid, |
| 01:11:56 |
who's gonna give me |
| 01:11:57 |
a 50 dollar bid? |
| 01:12:00 |
- Man 1: 10 dollars! |
| 01:12:01 |
- Tiffani: Bidding starts at 50, |
| 01:12:02 |
bitches. |
| 01:12:03 |
- Man 2: 11! |
| 01:12:04 |
- Tiffani: Take off your pants. |
| 01:12:05 |
- Casey: What? |
| 01:12:06 |
- Tiffani: We are desperate here. |
| 01:12:08 |
And while |
| 01:12:10 |
you're stripping down |
| 01:12:11 |
to your beautiful |
| 01:12:12 |
Andrew Christian briefs, |
| 01:12:13 |
why don't you tell us |
| 01:12:14 |
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program |
| 01:12:17 |
at the center |
| 01:12:19 |
means to you. |
| 01:12:36 |
- Casey: I used to think |
| 01:12:37 |
the center didn't apply to me |
| 01:12:39 |
at all. |
| 01:12:40 |
I thought it was |
| 01:12:41 |
just a bunch of old guys |
| 01:12:43 |
looking to get their rocks off. |
| 01:12:46 |
But a friend |
| 01:12:48 |
forced me to volunteer here |
| 01:12:50 |
where I met |
| 01:12:51 |
one of these old guys |
| 01:12:54 |
face to face. |
| 01:12:58 |
Boy, was I wrong. |
| 01:13:00 |
He was a caring person, |
| 01:13:02 |
emptying his wallet |
| 01:13:03 |
and busting his ass |
| 01:13:04 |
to make sure |
| 01:13:06 |
that people like me |
| 01:13:07 |
don't have to go |
| 01:13:08 |
through the shit |
| 01:13:09 |
that people like him had to. |
| 01:13:11 |
And he's just |
| 01:13:12 |
one of the dozens of people here |
| 01:13:14 |
trying to help |
| 01:13:15 |
thousands of kids like me. |
| 01:13:18 |
I started this summer |
| 01:13:20 |
feeling at odds |
| 01:13:23 |
with the gay community |
| 01:13:25 |
but now |
| 01:13:28 |
I look out at your faces |
| 01:13:30 |
and I see a friend |
| 01:13:33 |
who will do anything |
| 01:13:34 |
to protect the people |
| 01:13:35 |
close to her. |
| 01:13:37 |
An example for me |
| 01:13:38 |
to aspire to. |
| 01:13:41 |
A bitch when you need one. |
| 01:13:44 |
A family |
| 01:13:46 |
that won't let you fail |
| 01:13:47 |
even when you've |
| 01:13:48 |
already given up on yourself. |
| 01:13:51 |
And a leader, |
| 01:13:53 |
who can change the way |
| 01:13:54 |
we see each other |
| 01:13:55 |
and teach us |
| 01:13:56 |
about the things |
| 01:13:57 |
that really matter. |
| 01:14:01 |
And I couldn't be prouder |
| 01:14:03 |
to be a part of this. |
| 01:14:05 |
- Man 1: 100 dollars. |
| 01:14:06 |
- Man 2: 200 dollars. |
| 01:14:08 |
- Man 3: 500 dollars. |
| 01:14:11 |
- Tiffani: This is an |
| 01:14:12 |
unexpected surprise. |
| 01:14:15 |
500 dollars, |
| 01:14:17 |
we have a 500 dollar bid, |
| 01:14:19 |
who's gonna give me 600? |
| 01:14:21 |
- Zack: 3,200 dollars. |
| 01:14:24 |
- Tiffani: What? |
| 01:14:27 |
- Zack: 3,200 dollars. |
| 01:14:31 |
- Tiffani: Not to be rude |
| 01:14:32 |
or anything but, |
| 01:14:33 |
bitch, do you have |
| 01:14:34 |
that kind of money? |
| 01:14:36 |
- Casey: That's your Italy money. |
| 01:14:37 |
- Zack: I don't need to go to Italy |
| 01:14:39 |
for romance. |
| 01:14:41 |
- Tiffani: Sold! |
| 01:14:43 |
[clapping] |
| 01:14:55 |
- Helen: Look at that sweet smile, |
| 01:14:57 |
you're precious. |
| 01:15:01 |
- Zack: Ryan1989, |
| 01:15:02 |
you are way hotter |
| 01:15:04 |
than your pic. |
| 01:15:05 |
- Casey: I'm so glad I stalked you. |
| 01:15:08 |
# |
| 01:15:24 |
- Tiffani: It's not as hot |
| 01:15:25 |
without your dick |
| 01:15:26 |
in the middle. |
