Four Lions

en
00:00:39 Yeah?
00:00:40 (Barry) No, sit properly
00:00:42 like you mean it.
00:00:45 No, Waj, don't muck about.
00:00:47 Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit...
00:00:49 Who's mucking about, Barry?
00:00:51 Well, you can't sit like that.
00:00:52 What's wrong
00:00:53 (Barry) Come and have a look. It's wrong.
00:00:55 There's nothing wrong with it.
00:00:56 - (Barry) Not you!
00:00:58 (Barry) No!
00:01:01 There's nothing there.
00:01:02 No, there's nothing there.
00:01:04 - You can't see yourself, you mug!
00:01:07 (Barry) Right, sit, sit.
00:01:09 - Faisal, go away.
00:01:11 - (Barry) All right.
00:01:13 Focus on what you're going to say.
00:01:16 - Go, before the battery goes.
00:01:18 Three... action!
00:01:20 Ey up,
00:01:22 - I'm gonna turn you baked beans...
00:01:26 - What?
00:01:32 - Proper replica, man.
00:01:35 Replica AK-47.
00:01:37 - It's too small, man.
00:01:40 - My hands.
00:01:42 Big hands.
00:01:43 He can't do it with that gun.
00:01:45 Shut up, Barry.
00:01:47 It's too small, believe me.
00:01:48 I'll hold it near the camera.
00:01:50 - That'll what?
00:01:53 - (Waj) Yeah.
00:01:56 Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
00:01:58 (Barry) No, no, no!
00:02:02 These are the outtakes.
00:02:06 - He looks good.
00:02:09 Today is an opportunity
00:02:12 at western imperialist culture.
00:02:15 Superficial materialism
00:02:17 ends at the capitalist church
00:02:21 Flipping idiots.
00:02:23 It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
00:02:27 Complete flipping idiots.
00:02:30 You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
00:02:33 bargain bucket £6.99.
00:02:35 - What are you talking about?
00:02:38 - There's one where he doesn't say that.
00:02:43 (Barry) Take the box off.
00:02:45 I can't show my face
00:02:47 And images aren't allowed.
00:02:48 You know what? They're all bloopers.
00:02:49 (Barry) Take the box off.
00:02:51 What am I going to do
00:02:54 Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
00:02:56 (Barry) You can't do your jihadi video
00:02:59 No way.
00:03:30 Ran 23K on the weekend.
00:03:33 6K Saturday morning.
00:03:35 Had a light lunch:
00:03:40 5K in the afternoon,
00:03:44 Same again Sunday.
00:03:48 Although in the afternoon
00:03:52 Would've gone further, you know,
00:03:56 I'm not slagging my right leg off,
00:04:01 I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
00:04:03 Right leg's bone idle.
00:04:06 He'll just wait there,
00:04:08 Before you know it,
00:04:12 I'm going to have
00:04:15 Really show him who's boss. Yeah.
00:04:19 You do know you can talk to your legs,
00:04:21 - I need tomorrow off.
00:04:24 I need tomorrow off,
00:04:26 Jesus, I thought you were serious
00:04:29 I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
00:04:32 You've got to ask yourself
00:04:35 - It's an emergency.
00:04:38 Like a shotgun wedding?
00:04:41 Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
00:04:43 Right.
00:04:45 Well, I'll have a look at the rota.
00:04:53 (Barry) The Feds can track your phone
00:04:56 - (Faisal) Really?
00:05:00 (Waj) Can they see you if you're not there?
00:05:02 (Barry) Where's there?
00:05:04 (Waj) I don't know.
00:05:05 They can see you everywhere, Waj.
00:05:07 (Faisal) Are they looking at us
00:05:08 - Space cameras, yes.
00:05:12 My dad says I'm not supposed
00:05:15 With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
00:05:18 - Not any more. He eats moths.
00:05:21 Look, the way to stop the Feds
00:05:25 You eat your SIM card.
00:05:29 You remove the SIM card and...
00:05:33 - Can I cook mine?
00:05:45 Good boys.
00:05:47 Salaam, lads.
00:05:48 Walaykum asalaam.
00:05:50 - Right.
00:05:52 Anti-surveillance.
00:05:54 You know they still work
00:05:56 - Eh?
00:05:58 That's not going to be
00:06:00 - What?
00:06:03 Answered the call, bro.
00:06:05 - What call?
00:06:07 We're upgrading.
00:06:09 We're going.
00:06:10 Why did you get the call?
00:06:13 You don't have an uncle in Pakistan
00:06:15 You got an uncle in Folkstone.
00:06:18 Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
00:06:20 We don't need some tramp up a mountain,
00:06:23 We don't need some Paki Steptoe
00:06:26 You're right, Barry.
00:06:28 Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
00:06:29 Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
00:06:33 What do you mean?
00:06:34 What I mean is, you can either be
00:06:38 who blows a bag full of nails
00:06:41 or you can be a proper soldier
00:06:45 - I'm already in the Mujahideen.
00:06:48 No, not until you join the army
00:06:50 and hold the sword
00:06:51 and touch the sky -
00:06:54 right to the very top.
00:06:58 - All right, I'm coming.
00:07:01 Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
00:07:03 Think of the group.
00:07:05 It's best you stay here, bro.
00:07:07 You're a liability
00:07:09 Bollocks, I'm a liability.
00:07:11 I am the invisible Jihadi.
00:07:12 They seek him here,
00:07:14 But he's not there,
00:07:16 - Invisible?
00:07:18 Like the time you got on the local news
00:07:21 and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
00:07:23 That is part of the plan.
00:07:24 Hide in plain sight, you mug.
00:07:27 And I am coming!
00:07:39 You realise, if I don't come
00:07:41 Islam is finished.
00:07:43 Listen, bro, we need you over here
00:07:45 So what if I'm not here?
00:07:47 Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport
00:07:50 You want to come, Fess?
00:07:52 Yeah, it's just... my dad's
00:07:55 - So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro.
00:07:57 - If you answer this question, you can come.
00:08:00 (Speaks Urdu)
00:08:03 - Don't fuck with me, man!
00:08:06 Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani!
00:08:12 (Omar) Barry, what are you doing?
00:08:14 Barry, this is crazy.
00:08:16 - Barry, what are you doing?
00:08:22 Spit it out.
00:08:27 (Waj) It's gone down his neck.
00:08:28 Right, frog him.
00:08:29 - Frog him in the back.
00:08:32 That was before you swallowed the key.
00:08:35 - (Barry) Listen, we...
00:08:37 We said no frogging!
00:08:40 What if you get caught?
00:08:43 Just cos you can't take
00:08:45 They'll crack you like babies' fingers.
00:08:47 They'll pump you full ofViagra,
00:08:50 (Waj) Good prattle, Barry.
00:08:52 (Grunts)
00:08:54 (Engine starts)
00:08:56 You'll end up on YouTube,
00:08:59 (Engine revs)
00:09:02 (Tyres screech)
00:09:08 Are they gonna make me fuck
00:09:11 My uncle's connected out there.
00:09:12 Only time we're going to see cops
00:09:14 All right, Omar,
00:09:17 My unit stays here.
00:09:19 - But my unit's the main unit.
00:09:21 Because I tell you, your little brain cell
00:09:24 but if your hands even go to move
00:09:26 and you try setting up
00:09:28 going to university lectures,
00:09:30 buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon,
00:09:32 I'm gonna rip your plugs out.
00:09:33 Not if you're not here, you won't.
00:09:35 Aargh!
00:10:10 No, Uncle.
00:10:14 It's my prayer bear.
00:10:18 (Electronic voice praying)
00:10:21 In the name of Allah...
00:10:28 Which way are we going?
00:10:32 All right. OK.
00:10:37 What the fuck's he done
00:10:39 They're not rabbits, bro.
00:10:42 They're fucking rabbits.
00:10:44 Bro, if they're rabbits,
00:10:46 That's what I'm saying.
00:10:54 (Speaks Punjabi then Arabic)
00:11:01 What?
00:11:06 (Waj) What's he saying?
00:11:07 I'm asking, would he kill you?
00:11:11 Pack up.
00:11:13 If you make me trouble...
00:11:22 (Waj) Alaykum salaam.
00:11:28 - Would you kill me, then?
00:11:31 Come on.
00:11:34 I'd kill you, bro.
00:11:36 Would you?
00:11:39 - Yeah.
00:11:41 Cos I would kill you, bro.
00:11:43 Bro, seriously, I'd kill you.
00:11:46 Course I would.
00:11:47 Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that.
00:11:49 - Flipping heck, man. Would you?
00:11:53 I sort of thought
00:11:56 We're soldiers, bro.
00:11:58 You do the right thing.
00:12:00 Right?
00:12:01 - Are you with me?
00:12:03 It's life, isn't it? It's just life.
00:12:06 It's like being stuck
00:12:09 Do you want to be in the queues
00:12:11 You want to be on the rides, don't you?
00:12:15 Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
00:12:17 - Yeah. You with me?
00:12:19 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
00:12:22 Right?
00:12:23 - OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
00:12:25 - Yeah, I would.
00:12:28 - I'd smash your head off with a thing.
00:12:32 I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj.
00:12:35 Spill it all out on the floor,
00:12:37 I'd fucking... I'd take this, right?
00:12:39 - Yeah?
00:12:42 - Yeah?
00:12:44 Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
00:12:45 Mujahid.
00:12:47 (Chickens cluck)
00:12:48 Good lad.
00:12:50 Come on. You want some?
00:12:51 Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
00:12:53 You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
00:12:55 - I'll fucking... I'll have you.
00:12:58 - I'd roast you.
00:13:12 (Music on radio)
00:13:30 (Music stops)
00:13:36 (Waj) I'm coming. Coming.
00:13:37 I'm coming.
00:13:52 - Come on, Waj.
00:13:55 (Speaks Arabic)
00:14:03 Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
00:14:06 - That way is East, bro.
00:14:09 That way is East.
00:14:10 - We've flown over Mecca now.
00:14:12 Mecca is in the East, yeah.
00:14:14 Where the sun... where it rises,
00:14:26 (Omar) Turn around. I'll explain to you later.
00:14:31 (Omar) Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
00:14:38 (Omar) Go, go, go. Come on.
00:14:40 - Come on, Waj.
00:14:43 (Drone of aircraft)
00:14:46 Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out.
00:14:48 (Speaks Arabic)
00:14:49 Too high, too high.
00:14:51 Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually.
00:14:56 - What?
00:15:05 I've never stood up in public and
00:15:08 but what I do know is that most British
00:15:13 fighting British foreign policy.
00:15:15 What they want to do is get on
00:15:19 - And we support that.
00:15:20 A good Muslim
00:15:23 Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
00:15:27 - That is not what I am saying.
00:15:30 First off, I object
00:15:33 - You just used it.
00:15:35 It's a western fantasy.
00:15:37 You people think of Muslims
00:15:40 with guns and bombs.
00:15:41 That'd suit you
00:15:43 - But they do exist, don't they?
00:15:47 What I'm saying, if you'll listen,
00:15:48 is that if they didn't exist,
00:15:52 - (Storge) That's absolute rubbish.
00:15:54 - This whole debate is twisted, man.
00:15:58 You think we're all bombers, don't you?
00:16:00 - That is absolutely...
00:16:02 When you look at someone like me,
00:16:04 - Yeah, you do.
00:16:07 Why shouldn't I be a bomber
00:16:08 - Mashallah, brother.
00:16:13 Yeah.
00:16:14 (Raps) I'm the Mujahideen
00:16:17 Now you's gonna feel
00:16:19 It's like Tupac said,
00:16:21 We are the martyrs,
00:16:24 - Allahu Akbar!
00:16:31 Mashallah, brother.
00:16:32 (Murmurs from the audience)
00:16:34 Oh, what, man? Come on.
00:16:35 What? Just cos I'm Muslim,
00:16:38 - (Shouts from audience)
00:16:41 Here come your stooges, Mr Storge.
00:16:44 Police state! Police state!
00:16:47 - Police state! Police state!
00:16:50 Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
00:16:53 He's being rendered!
00:17:04 (Barry) Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
00:17:07 Need a lift?
00:17:11 Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
00:17:12 Oh, man!
00:17:15 Yo!
00:17:16 You're a lege. You're a lege, bro!
00:17:19 Not so bad yourself, brother.
00:17:21 Hassan Malik. "The Mal".
00:17:24 - The Mal?
00:17:26 Nice little stunt back there.
00:17:28 And you know what?
00:17:30 You're a total piece of shit, mate.
00:17:33 You're worse than the specially trained rapists
00:17:37 - You what?
00:17:40 You know you should be doing something.
00:17:42 - I am doing something.
00:17:44 I'm the Mujahideen and...
00:17:47 Eh?
00:17:49 It was jihad of the mind,
00:17:53 Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu
00:17:56 Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
00:17:59 or did he just stand there, making a gesture?
00:18:01 (Engine starts)
00:18:02 Is this a gesture?
00:18:09 - That was for real, brother.
00:18:13 Is you as for real as that?
00:18:16 - Yeah.
00:18:18 When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
00:18:22 Once a year is too often.
00:18:27 They're full of losers and spies.
00:18:30 These are real bad times, bro.
00:18:32 Islam is cracking up.
00:18:34 We got women talking back.
00:18:36 We got people playing stringed instruments.
00:18:40 It's the end of days.
00:18:43 Do you want to be for real?
00:18:47 Well, yeah, of course.
00:18:49 Are you sure?
00:18:51 100 percent.
00:18:52 Yeah, come here.
00:18:56 Fuck you, Omar!
00:19:09 (Gunfire)
00:19:11 Big enough for you now, Barry?
00:19:13 Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
00:19:22 (Speaks Arabic)
00:19:24 I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
00:19:29 - James Fuck Bond?
00:19:32 What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
00:19:33 (Speaks Arabic)
00:19:41 (Continues in Arabic)
00:19:47 (Shouting in Arabic)
00:19:54 Stay here and clean the guns.
00:19:57 No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
00:20:03 It was my fault, bro, OK?
00:20:08 You fucking Mr Beans.
00:20:10 - But we haven't got an emir yet.
00:20:22 - Just getting my pictures, bro.
00:20:36 Come on.
00:20:38 - Where is it?
00:20:48 (Barry) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:21:11 Liquid peroxide.
00:21:14 Three years of stockpiling.
00:21:15 - Where did you get it all?
00:21:19 - All from the same shop?
00:21:20 - You mug, you'll get us nicked!
00:21:23 I use different voices every time I go in.
00:21:25 Different what? Different voices.
00:21:28 - What?
00:21:34 - One of them's... It's my voice.
00:21:40 Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
00:21:41 I know what that sounds like.
00:21:46 IRA voice.
00:21:48 IRA voice?
00:21:49 They're terrorists, Faisal.
00:21:51 Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
00:21:53 - I'll be disguised then, won't I?
00:21:58 Let's hear the voice.
00:22:03 (Normal voice) Can I have...
00:22:08 And then I've got one like this as well.
00:22:12 (Same voice)
00:22:13 What's that?
00:22:15 It's a woman's voice
00:22:20 Probably thought that she'd go and...
00:22:22 (Barry) And what?
00:22:23 ...dye her hair or something.
00:22:26 - You got a beard.
00:22:29 You covered your beard. How?
00:22:36 Right, so you went into a shop,
00:22:41 and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
00:22:44 So, why has she got her hands
00:22:50 Cos she's got a beard.
00:22:58 I'm sorry, brother Omar.
00:23:00 Maybe it were God's will.
00:23:02 Maybe it were God's will
00:23:06 - So maybe it's not my fault.
00:23:08 It were God's will that you were acting
00:23:12 It was defo your fault.
00:23:14 So, if that were God's will,
00:23:19 Maybe I'm God's mistake.
00:23:22 - Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother?
00:23:25 - Do mistakes go to hell?
00:23:26 What?
00:23:29 - That's a drone.
00:23:33 - It's flying low. It's going to attack.
00:23:35 Where are we gonna go, Waj?
00:23:37 Take it out with what?
00:23:39 - This is my mistake, bro.
00:23:42 Think about it. This is God's plan.
00:23:46 This is our jihad.
00:23:48 - Think about it.
00:23:50 That's the devil that's in your brain
00:23:52 Don't listen to him.
00:23:54 Right? What does your heart say?
00:23:57 It says maybe we should...
00:24:01 Huh?
00:24:02 Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
00:24:05 Good, Waj.
00:24:08 (Omar) Right, OK.
00:24:11 What are we going to use?
00:24:14 - Fucking yes, bro.
00:24:18 - Proper Mujahid, yeah?
00:24:20 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
00:24:22 - All right, OK.
00:24:23 - Flipping pop it, brother.
00:24:35 Brother Omar!
00:24:40 The Arabs!
00:24:41 The emir!
00:24:43 (Explosion)
00:24:46 Flipping shit.
00:24:50 Is this God's will, bro?
00:24:52 - (Shouting)
00:24:56 - (Explosion)
00:24:59 We've got to go, Waj.
00:25:14 I can't hear nothing!
00:25:17 (Waj) I can't hear nothing!
00:25:28 Morning, officer.
00:25:29 You've been rumbled.
00:25:44 My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
00:25:46 and fly it into one of them towers
00:25:50 I keep crows in here. Have a look.
00:25:53 We're way beyond crows now, Faisal.
00:25:56 We are really going to blow the lid off.
00:25:58 Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man.
00:26:02 - Blow my lid off.
00:26:06 What?
00:26:08 - The Masjid?
00:26:10 But we go in dressed like kuffars.
00:26:11 They think it's the unbelievers attacking
00:26:16 Stoke things up proper big time,
00:26:21 - That is sick, man.
00:26:24 (Hassan) Who is this Omar?
00:26:25 Don't sweat that.
00:26:28 I've sent him off to training camp
00:26:30 But my dad goes to the masjid.
00:26:33 Has your dad ever bought
00:26:36 Once or twice.
00:26:37 Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro.
00:26:54 - (Waj) Barry!
00:26:55 - Where is he?
00:26:58 Waj, we're going to say we're being
00:27:02 - Somalia?
00:27:13 - You all right, Barry?
00:27:17 Nothing happened.
00:27:19 Bollocks!
00:27:23 I told you you should have taken me.
00:27:24 - We're going to Somibia, Barry.
00:27:27 - Special training.
00:27:29 - Bollocks! Something happened.
00:27:33 Look at the state of you.
00:27:36 Yeah, something happened.
00:27:40 - Yeah, something did happen.
00:27:42 No, we got an emir
00:27:45 What?
00:27:47 We've got an emir
00:27:51 - Are you on as well, bro?
00:27:54 - Good.
00:27:58 What about the Arabs, bro?
00:28:03 They weren't Arabs,
00:28:07 - What?
00:28:10 - So it were good, what we did?
00:28:15 What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
00:28:17 Oh, no, no, no.
00:28:19 - Since when, Barry?
00:28:21 - Is he fuck?
00:28:25 What, my dad's funeral?
00:28:28 You're joking!
00:28:29 He was pecked to death by chickens.
00:28:33 Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
00:28:36 Yeah, man, I'm the Mal.
00:28:39 Frog him.
00:28:40 No, don't sweat it, bro.
00:28:42 - Really?
00:28:44 How did he do that, then?
00:28:46 - He made me do that bean thing, man.
00:28:50 You know, when you put a bean
00:28:56 We're on the parking. Let's go.
00:28:58 - Barry?
00:29:00 - What's he saying about a bean, Barry?
00:29:03 Bro, he's landed you right in it.
00:29:05 I've got no need for a beanfucker
00:29:08 Now, frog him!
00:29:10 Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded.
00:29:12 - What, from MI5 payroll?
00:29:14 - Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
00:29:17 - I can nick a van.
00:29:21 Well, yeah, yeah.
00:29:24 Right, well, you're still walking.
00:29:26 Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
00:29:29 or I'm gonna floss your balls
00:29:36 You played that wrong, mate.
00:29:41 - You're on one, Omar.
00:29:45 (Car won't start)
00:29:47 - Did you fix this, Barry?
00:29:49 - Did you do it yourself or something?
00:29:56 (Engine judders)
00:29:58 (Barry) So is he in or what, Omar?
00:30:00 What choice have I got, Barry?
00:30:03 (Barry) Good. I knew you'd like him.
00:30:17 Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
00:30:19 And Scar was looking for them and
00:30:23 - Dad?
00:30:24 Did you blow up any kuffars?
00:30:26 What?
00:30:28 At the wedding?
00:30:31 Do you want to hear
00:30:33 - Yeah!
00:30:37 Simba and Pumbaa
00:30:39 when all of a sudden they saw this...
00:30:43 ...this big evil bird, this big bird,
00:30:47 This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
00:30:51 "There it is," said Simba.
00:30:53 this big evil vulture,
00:30:56 coming right at them.
00:30:59 Then what, Dad?
00:31:02 Well, Simba had to bring it down,
00:31:05 So, what he did was,
00:31:08 and he chucked it at the bird,
00:31:11 it was such a strong powerful throw,
00:31:15 Behind. He threw it so hard,
00:31:19 And it hit Mufasa.
00:31:22 Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad.
00:31:25 It hit him accidentally on the head
00:31:28 But didn't Scar kill Mufasa?
00:31:30 Yeah, in the film.
00:31:33 So Simba had a choice.
00:31:35 He could either tell his friends
00:31:37 or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
00:31:41 What do you think he did?
00:31:43 He had to tell the truth.
00:31:47 But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he?
00:31:50 Telling the truth means giving up.
00:31:52 Would Simba give up?
00:31:54 - Simba would never give up.
00:31:57 Exactly. So...
00:31:59 Simba kept it all a secret.
00:32:03 And he led Pumbaa and Timon
00:32:05 he led them all in a fight against Scar.
00:32:09 And he vanquished Scar,
00:32:11 and Simba became the new Lion King.
00:32:14 - Yes.
00:32:18 Bedtime for you,
00:32:20 soldier.
00:32:26 (Omar) All right, lads, this is it.
00:32:29 This is it, boys.
00:32:30 I've spoken to the emir.
00:32:34 How did you do that?
00:32:37 Email drop box and the children's
00:32:43 I've been on that.
00:32:44 - Good, Waj.
00:32:46 (Barry) Do we have to be puffins as well?
00:32:49 Yeah, I'll give you all usernames
00:32:51 I'm not sure I want to be a puffin.
00:32:53 You don't have to be
00:32:54 - Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
00:32:58 Now, I've spoken to him.
00:33:01 My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
00:33:06 And he's told us to make some bombs.
00:33:08 So we're going to take Faisal's gear
00:33:11 We can hide it under the costumes
00:33:14 We'll put the bleach on the boil.
00:33:18 We have instructions to bring havoc
00:33:22 godless, Paki-bashing,
00:33:24 Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference"
00:33:27 torture-endorsing,
00:33:30 "Look-at-me-dancing-pissed
00:33:33 "Who-gives-a-fuck
00:33:36 - Mashallah!
00:33:38 - Mashallah.
00:33:40 Puffin says, "Find a target."
00:33:44 Well, we got a target, bro.
00:33:45 (Omar) What is it?
00:33:47 - It's the mosque.
00:33:49 Bomb the mosque,
00:33:51 radicalise the moderates,
00:33:54 OK, right. No, I like that.
00:33:57 Let's take out a bunch of Muslims
00:34:00 Once we've done that,
00:34:03 and fly a jumbo jet
00:34:06 Why don't we get a pig
00:34:10 But if we bomb the mosque,
00:34:14 My cousin, Faz, died,
00:34:16 defending a mosque in Bosnia.
00:34:19 Did he flipping rise up, bro?
00:34:22 Let's bomb Boots.
00:34:24 They sell condoms
00:34:28 - I second that. Boots.
00:34:30 - They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
00:34:34 I'm not blowing my guts out over
00:34:37 What we're going to do
00:34:40 echo through the ages.
00:34:41 - Like bomb a mosque.
00:34:44 You don't get it, do you, Omar?
00:34:46 We radicalise the moderates!
00:34:48 The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
00:34:50 I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like.
00:34:54 and they're punching you
00:34:56 And so what you go and do is,
00:35:00 So what if he's not?
00:35:01 I'm having a fight
00:35:03 and he's not punching me hard enough
00:35:07 Let's do an experiment, Barry.
00:35:10 When you start losing
00:35:12 you punch yourself in the face,
00:35:15 - Show them all how it works.
00:35:17 Why not? You're the Muslims.
00:35:20 Go fucking mental, Barry.
00:35:23 - Come on.
00:35:25 This is not how it works!
00:35:27 (Shouting)
00:35:29 Punch yourself, Baz.
00:35:31 (Omar) Bomb the mosque, Barry!
00:35:33 Bomb the mosque!
00:35:34 Bomb the mosque, Barry!
00:35:38 He's bombed the mosque!
00:35:41 Barry, where are the moderates?
00:35:43 Right, if I was a mosque,
00:35:46 then there would be all moderates
00:35:48 bursting to come out and rise up.
00:35:50 Would there?
00:35:53 Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's
00:35:56 Oh, you've just wiped them out.
00:35:59 Do you think we should still
00:36:03 - Come back.
00:36:07 - Oooh!
00:36:08 For fuck's sake, Barry!
00:36:28 (Rap music)
00:36:46 Oi! Oi!
00:36:48 Turn that off.
00:36:51 We got to play it, Barry.
00:36:55 - We're a what?
00:36:57 Bollocks! Turn it off.
00:37:00 Bro, turn it off.
00:37:02 (Music stops)
00:37:05 What's with the chicken?
00:37:09 It's beard protection from the bleach.
00:37:12 Yeah, he's the drummer, man.
00:37:15 - Chicken drummer.
00:37:19 You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you?
00:37:22 Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
00:37:24 Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
00:37:27 - Do they?
00:37:28 We're not about protecting beaks,
00:37:32 Yeah?
00:37:33 Well, go and unload the van.
00:37:40 Waj! Waj!
00:37:42 Anti-surveillance.
00:37:48 Not you, mate, you're still here.
00:37:56 - What are you doing?
00:38:00 - What?
00:38:04 Right, stop it!
00:38:06 Stop it!
00:38:09 CCTV's a video.
00:38:12 You're just gonna look
00:38:15 Next time Barry tells you
00:38:24 - You all right, Alice? How's it going.
00:38:27 - Are you good?
00:38:29 - All right, Jason?
00:38:32 Who's this one?
00:38:33 This is... Claude.
00:38:35 Claude, this is Alice.
00:38:37 - Hello, Claude.
00:38:39 - What's this?
00:38:42 - Band?
00:38:45 - I used to be in a band.
00:38:47 Yeah.
00:38:52 I don't know if you remember.
00:38:56 All right, then, Alice,
00:38:59 Come through.
00:39:01 - Which one are you?
00:39:05 - Claude?
00:39:07 Are you French?
00:39:10 Yeah.
00:39:12 See you.
00:39:25 (Barry) Right, Mister Newsman
00:39:28 Three, two, one...
00:39:32 Yes, it was us.
00:39:34 We have struck you
00:39:37 We have bombed the mosque.
00:39:40 Only in the days of the final jihad...
00:39:43 (Door opens)
00:39:44 What are you doing here?
00:39:46 (Hassan) Well, you told us to come round.
00:39:49 We've just come through the back.
00:39:52 Right, well, I'm doing my tape.
00:39:54 (Hassan) But we're not bombing the mosque.
00:39:56 - What?
00:39:59 Look, I'm just doing this tape in case
00:40:02 If they did change, isn't the whole
00:40:06 and not take responsibility for it?
00:40:07 What do you know about it?
00:40:10 Now, fuck off!
00:40:13 (Omar) All right, Barry?
00:40:14 - What, you're here as well?
00:40:18 (Waj) He said he was going to bomb
00:40:20 - (Omar) Did you say that, Barry?
00:40:22 - (Waj) Yeah, you did.
00:40:24 - (Omar) What did you say, then?
00:40:27 What did you say you were gonna bomb?
00:40:29 Hm?
00:40:31 Fuck off!
00:40:33 Fuck off out of my house!
00:40:36 Oh, Barry, you moron.
00:40:38 (Doorbell)
00:40:43 - Salaam, Ahmed.
00:40:45 - Omar, it's your brother. Come in.
00:40:49 - Just come in and sit down.
00:40:52 - Salaam Alaykum.
00:40:53 (Speaks Urdu)
00:40:55 - Just come in and sit down.
00:40:58 I'm not in the same room.
00:41:01 You are.
00:41:03 (Sofia) I'm not.
00:41:04 The wall has been taken out, so you are.
00:41:06 (Omar snorts)
00:41:08 Have you come to drop some fatwas,
00:41:15 Not in this house, bro.
00:41:17 - Freeze or I'll blow your guts out.
00:41:19 OK. Right, come on!
00:41:21 You've got 30 seconds!
00:41:24 - What are you teaching him, Omar?
00:41:27 Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
00:41:32 There is no justification
00:41:34 - What am I planning, bro?
00:41:37 - Want to know what I am planning?
00:41:40 Sure you can handle it, bro?
00:41:44 It's not a proper plan yet, yeah?
00:41:47 But I'm thinking, inshallah,
00:41:48 I'm going to go upstairs
00:41:51 Then come back down
00:41:53 - Very funny.
00:41:59 Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up?
00:42:02 I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
00:42:04 You know what? It's not Top Trumps.
00:42:07 "I've got 60,000 opinions
00:42:10 "We must measure our beard with a ruler
00:42:14 That's not a joke, is it, bro?
00:42:17 It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
00:42:20 Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
00:42:23 I don't argue with women.
00:42:25 No, you don't.
00:42:27 Omar, your wife is out of control.
00:42:29 I don't know how to control her.
00:42:31 Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
00:42:34 - (She laughs)
00:42:36 - (Sofia) What am I like? I'm out of control.
00:42:38 Go and do it.
00:42:40 - Fight back, brother!
00:42:42 What's all the violence, brother?
00:42:44 - (Sofia) Are you fighting back? In self-defence?
00:42:48 - By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
00:42:51 By the law...
00:42:53 - I am not fighting.
00:42:55 (Both laugh)
00:42:58 Hey, Omar.
00:42:59 - You're terrible, you are.
00:43:02 Aren't you, eh?
00:43:22 - That's twice as much, bro.
00:43:28 Just drop it.
00:43:36 - Ooh!
00:43:38 (Hassan) Shit, man!
00:43:40 - Come on, bro. Give me that.
00:43:42 Gay.
00:43:43 Fed.
00:43:46 Sodomite.
00:43:49 Gynaecologist.
00:43:51 Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist.
00:43:55 Leonard Cohen.
00:43:58 You do some work.
00:44:04 (Hassan) This one's gonna be
00:44:06 - (Waj) Oh, bro.
00:44:09 Watch this, bro!
00:44:16 (Waj laughs)
00:44:19 Come on, lads. Why don't we just
00:44:22 Right? Come on.
00:44:25 - (Hassan) Sorry, man.
00:44:28 (Faisal) We don't have to use that
00:44:30 - Course we do, bro.
00:44:32 - Fess? Fess?
00:44:34 It is your choice.
00:44:37 Right, yeah.
00:44:40 - Fess. Fess.
00:44:43 It is your choice, right,
00:44:44 but you've chosen
00:44:50 Haven't you?
00:44:56 (Faisal) Mashallah, brother Crow.
00:44:58 Mashallah.
00:45:00 You're doing this, right,
00:45:05 And I know it's come
00:45:08 but everything will be all right.
00:45:10 Yeah? OK.
00:45:14 That...
00:45:16 That's a sex shop. Right?
00:45:20 A US embassy,
00:45:24 Right, now wait there.
00:45:27 When I say, you fly to the target.
00:45:30 When I dial this,
00:45:36 Inshallah.
00:46:02 (Hassan makes bomb noises)
00:46:05 Yeah.
00:46:06 What's that?
00:46:09 No, I don't want to resit
00:46:11 Stupid Mrs Thistle,
00:46:15 You know why?
00:46:18 And here it is. Eat that shit!
00:46:22 Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
00:46:25 Come on, lads. Let's go.
00:46:28 - Alaykum salaam.
00:46:31 They've all gone, man.
00:46:34 Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
00:46:37 - Barry said that you said, "Go ahead."
00:46:40 - I'm just on night shift.
00:46:42 If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
00:46:53 Can I come?
00:47:05 (Barry) Don't drop it, you prick!
00:47:07 (Waj) Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
00:47:12 - Slowly, slowly.
00:47:14 - It's good.
00:47:16 - (Waj) Good, good.
00:47:20 - (Waj) OK.
00:47:22 - Ready?
00:47:26 (Waj) Is it gonna be loud?
00:47:39 (Waj) Did you see that?
00:47:41 Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
00:47:45 - (Omar) Well done, Barry.
00:47:47 Did you miss it, bro?
00:47:52 I told you before, Barry, didn't I?
00:47:55 - Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh?
00:48:01 This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
00:48:05 The protocol is that you were supposed
00:48:08 cos there's a good chance
00:48:10 Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
00:48:13 That was my microwave, Barry.
00:48:15 I should've been there.
00:48:17 Your microwave
00:48:19 Don't screw with my jihad.
00:48:22 - Your jihad? You said "my jihad".
00:48:24 - Our jihad.
00:48:26 - Did he say "my jihad"?
00:48:29 - You said "my jihad".
00:48:32 (Waj) Hey!
00:48:34 Come and have a look at this.
00:48:35 (| "Dancing In The Moonlight"
00:48:40 | Dancing in the moonlight
00:48:42 | Everybody's feeling warm and bright...
00:48:47 (Both sing along)
00:48:49 Hass!
00:48:51 Claude!
00:48:58 Shit!
00:49:00 (Music stops)
00:49:08 Right, it's time to go now, Alice.
00:49:10 Why? What's going on?
00:49:12 Nothing. We just need you to go.
00:49:17 Oh.
00:49:20 Oh, I get it.
00:49:27 I know what you lot are.
00:49:30 You lot...
00:49:32 are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
00:49:37 - What?
00:49:42 - (Omar) Yes, we are so gay.
00:49:45 Yes, you are. We all are.
00:49:47 But mainly it's these two.
00:49:53 - Yes.
00:49:55 We've got to get down
00:50:03 You lot aren't my friends any more.
00:50:11 Safe, is he?
00:50:13 She didn't see anything, man.
00:50:17 The bolts and the...
00:50:19 I'll sort it out, man.
00:50:22 I'll go down and sort this shit out.
00:50:24 You are going to sort it out
00:50:26 Kill her?
00:50:29 We're gonna kill her?
00:50:31 Not us, Waj. Hass.
00:50:34 You want me to kill her?
00:50:37 What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her?
00:50:45 Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
00:50:48 There we go. There. Knife and fork.
00:50:54 I'm not joking, bro.
00:50:57 No. Now go on your way.
00:51:10 How do I do it?
00:51:11 Cut her head off
00:51:14 Chop her head off?
00:51:15 We're not really gonna kill her, are we?
00:51:18 Why don't we just call up the pigs
00:51:20 That'd be clever.
00:51:23 Shut up!
00:51:24 What are we gonna do with all this?
00:51:26 She's seen it now.
00:51:28 - We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment.
00:51:31 Shut up, Barry. Solved.
00:51:33 Daddy's come home
00:51:35 That's what jihad's about.
00:51:38 Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
00:51:40 Yeah, Omar would love to come
00:51:44 wiping up the fountains of shit
00:51:53 OK, thank you.
00:52:00 Who were on the phone?
00:52:05 (Engine judders)
00:52:08 Slow down, please.
00:52:13 (Omar) Get us there in one piece, Barry.
00:52:17 Go easy!
00:52:19 (Omar curses)
00:52:21 (All) Oh! Oh!
00:52:23 Don't rattle the stuff, Barry.
00:52:25 Use your eyes, boys.
00:52:27 What, the milk float?
00:52:29 - That's a milk float!
00:52:32 (Car rumbles)
00:52:33 (Barry) No, no.
00:52:34 No, no!
00:52:37 No, don't do this to me!
00:52:39 Come on!
00:52:41 (Engine cuts out)
00:52:42 (Bang)
00:52:44 Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
00:52:48 Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
00:52:52 - Did you fix this, then, Barry?
00:52:54 - Did you?
00:52:57 What parts in a car are Jewish?
00:53:03 - (Faisal) Spark plugs?
00:53:05 Jews invented spark plugs
00:53:10 Right, everybody calm down.
00:53:13 All right, but check the roofs, boys.
00:53:17 Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
00:53:22 Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
00:53:27 (Barry) One jolt and this stuff could go, right?
00:53:29 You got to run smooth, right?
00:53:31 You got to run fast,
00:53:34 Like this, right?
00:53:36 This is fast but slow,
00:53:39 Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine!
00:53:43 We're fine, are we?
00:53:45 - (Omar) Everybody get off the road.
00:53:47 Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them
00:53:50 Just keep your mouths shut
00:53:54 Hey, man. How's it going?
00:53:57 Nice little one-pack
00:53:59 You're a pint of sauce, Omar.
00:54:01 Have you managed to run a mile yet
00:54:04 - Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads?
00:54:07 What's with the bags?
00:54:09 - Shopping.
00:54:10 - Toys.
00:54:13 - We're about to go and play football.
00:54:16 We should grab all this kit
00:54:18 - (Matt) Yeah.
00:54:20 Right. See you in a bit, man.
00:54:24 Hey, lads. Wait, look.
00:54:27 - Hey! Hey!
00:54:31 (Nervous laughter)
00:54:32 What's that?
00:54:34 That bag's full of really fragile...
00:54:37 boots.
00:54:39 - Are they all right?
00:54:44 - What?
00:54:47 It's just... It's for the marathon.
00:54:50 - Yeah? Squat jogs?
00:54:54 All right, man. See you in a bit.
00:54:55 Like that.
00:54:57 - Squat jogs, yeah?
00:54:59 - Down?
00:55:01 - Safe-age, mate!
00:55:07 - Take care, man.
00:55:27 - (Waj) All right, brothers?
00:55:31 - Yeah.
00:55:32 Where's Faisal?
00:55:34 Hey, boys.
00:55:38 Can you see him?
00:55:39 (Hassan laughs)
00:55:41 (Barry) Hey, bro!
00:55:43 Run!
00:55:45 (Waj) Hey, brother Faisal!
00:55:47 Over the wall, Faisal!
00:55:49 - (Waj) Yeah, run faster, bro!
00:56:26 Where is he?
00:56:50 - It was a martyr's death.
00:56:54 - (Barry) He disrupted the infrastructure.
00:56:59 He took out a sheep.
00:57:02 Magnificently took it right out.
00:57:06 Did he?
00:57:08 - Attacked the food supply.
00:57:12 - What?
00:57:18 So what is he, lads?
00:57:22 - He's a martyr.
00:57:25 - He is not a martyr.
00:57:27 What war?
00:57:30 - He's the first hero of the final jihad.
00:57:33 And so are you, you're all dickheads.
00:57:35 Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
00:57:37 I've made a decision, Barry.
00:57:41 It's finished, I'm done with this.
00:57:44 (Barry) You can't handle the war, brother.
00:57:47 I've got nothing to have a wobble about.
00:57:50 - You're the one who killed Faisal!
00:57:51 Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
00:57:54 after you saw him
00:57:55 at a public meeting
00:57:58 And he blew our cover.
00:57:59 Ever since then,
00:58:02 poor little Faisal's
00:58:04 - So really Hassan killed him.
00:58:07 No, you killed him.
00:58:10 - You killed him more.
00:58:13 Isn't he a martyr?
00:58:17 All right, I did kill him, then.
00:58:18 I martyred him. He's up there now,
00:58:24 - Come on, our kid, let's go.
00:58:28 What?
00:58:30 - We got to keep on.
00:58:34 - Blow something up.
00:58:38 Internet.
00:58:41 We'll blow up the internet
00:58:43 We're mujahid, brother, yeah?
00:58:45 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
00:58:47 You're not a mujahid.
00:58:49 Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
00:58:52 and gets his deen from
00:58:55 a book he can't finish
00:58:57 I tell you what, I've got a plan for you.
00:59:02 ...and lose yourself in the forest?
00:59:20 (Male voices)
00:59:39 Omar!
00:59:44 Salaam, Omar.
00:59:46 Salaam alaykum, bro.
00:59:50 You and your boys look like...
00:59:54 You all right, Omar?
00:59:57 Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
01:00:01 - Listen, can I ask you something?
01:00:05 Screw it, doesn't matter.
01:00:08 Why not come to our study group, Omar?
01:00:10 What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
01:00:13 The floaty face of the wise bird,
01:00:17 about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.
01:00:20 Forget it.
01:00:51 Omar, what are you doing?
01:00:55 What is that?
01:00:57 - It's a puffin party.
01:01:00 - It's a puffin party.
01:01:02 - I'm talking to Waj's puffin.
01:01:06 It's the boys. I've left them.
01:01:08 Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me,
01:01:13 Barry's puffin's turned all red
01:01:19 Faisal's dead.
01:01:22 He's dead. They...
01:01:24 He was carrying explosives
01:01:31 They're total idiots, Sof.
01:01:35 Well, it must have been God's plan
01:01:40 Come on, Sof.
01:01:43 Well, it can't be God's plan
01:01:51 Come here.
01:01:56 You were much more fun
01:02:01 I am gonna blow myself up, right?
01:02:04 Just not in a mosque
01:02:08 Right, well, if they're gonna blow
01:02:12 you've got to make sure
01:02:17 Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea
01:02:21 What does your heart say, hmm?
01:02:25 God's in your heart, Dad.
01:02:27 Oi, you, come here.
01:02:30 Sorry, I heard talking.
01:02:33 Can we finish off
01:02:36 Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
01:02:39 Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
01:02:42 Don't you worry,
01:02:46 he's gonna die smiling.
01:02:47 - He'll go straight to heaven.
01:02:50 He'll be in heaven
01:03:09 An Asian man's head was found less
01:03:14 Steven Fap discovered
01:03:18 when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
01:03:20 A head fell out of the tree
01:03:23 The man has not been identified,
01:03:25 but it seems that he may have died
01:03:39 - Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
01:03:41 - Terry, step outside, bro.
01:03:43 I need you to go outside.
01:03:45 - I've got one.
01:03:48 - Matt?
01:03:50 - Omar?
01:03:51 - Can you can help me with this?
01:03:54 I booked a clown and they gave me this.
01:03:56 It's the wrong way up.
01:03:58 They said, "You ordered it."
01:04:00 - Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
01:04:02 - I can sort you out.
01:04:04 I can sort you out with another costume
01:04:07 I said, "You're gonna cause
01:04:10 "flat to my arse in a costume
01:04:13 I've got you a rabbit costume at home.
01:04:17 - Can I run in a rabbit?
01:04:19 It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right?
01:04:21 - Yes, I'm sorry.
01:04:23 Have you?
01:04:25 - Yeah, the head.
01:04:27 Well, they're just saying it's jihadi.
01:04:30 They've got him.
01:04:33 Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
01:04:38 Omar?
01:04:40 No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
01:04:44 - Yeah?
01:04:52 (Knock at door)
01:04:53 (Waj) Shit!
01:04:56 God help us.
01:05:01 (Knocking)
01:05:02 - (Hassan) That's the police, man.
01:05:07 All right?
01:05:09 - Oi.
01:05:11 Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
01:05:15 Lads, this is an emergency.
01:05:18 The head that you buried 5 feet
01:05:20 fell out of a tree onto a dog.
01:05:22 Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
01:05:24 Dibble is onto us, lads.
01:05:26 - Dibble is on to us.
01:05:29 (Barry) That was a head.
01:05:31 It had a hinge!
01:05:34 Right. So, I've just seen Matt.
01:05:36 Matt is running
01:05:38 He's doing it in costume.
01:05:40 You know they run in costume?
01:05:42 We can disguise the gear in there
01:05:45 We've got live TV,
01:05:47 We've got a target, Omar.
01:05:49 (Omar) When you meet God,
01:05:51 do you want to tell him,
01:05:53 - Or "I blew a load of them up"?
01:05:57 Come on, lads. Waj?
01:05:59 I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar.
01:06:03 - You ripped me up, bro.
01:06:06 Waj, bro...
01:06:09 I'm really sorry.
01:06:11 My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
01:06:14 I should've stayed.
01:06:18 Why didn't you, then?
01:06:19 Cos I made a mistake.
01:06:21 But you didn't. You listened to your heart
01:06:26 No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice.
01:06:29 You cannot win an argument
01:06:32 Not just by being nice, Baz.
01:06:35 You cannot win an argument
01:06:38 - No?
01:06:41 - I think maybe you can, Barry?
01:06:51 Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar.
01:06:54 He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
01:06:57 Like what?
01:07:00 He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
01:07:03 I'd wiz in my own mouth.
01:07:06 You made him wee in his own gob?
01:07:10 What is wrong with you, bro?
01:07:12 It's submission.
01:07:14 (Waj) It felt really bad, brother.
01:07:16 It's not too tricky
01:07:18 but it just feels like really proper wrong.
01:07:22 All wee splashing off your teeth.
01:07:30 Bro, I swear, bro,
01:07:35 but I will never ask you
01:07:39 - Yeah?
01:07:43 - No more widdle in my gob.
01:07:48 Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
01:07:52 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
01:07:55 Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
01:08:03 See this, brother Hass?
01:08:04 It's gays at work.
01:08:07 OK, brother Hass,
01:08:11 - Either way, we're gonna blow, right?
01:08:15 Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
01:08:24 Yeah, wicked.
01:08:26 Wicked. Yeah, man.
01:08:28 Let's blow up a load offit slags
01:08:31 (Hassan) Oh, yes!
01:08:32 (Omar) Yes, bro.
01:08:33 (Hassan) Wicked. Yes!
01:08:35 Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro.
01:08:36 - Four lions.
01:08:38 Good lad.
01:08:41 (Shouting)
01:08:43 Down on the floor!
01:08:47 (Shouting)
01:09:05 I'll be two minutes.
01:09:18 (Sofia) What's it concerning?
01:09:21 We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
01:09:23 Why, what's up?
01:09:24 Tell us when you saw him last.
01:09:27 Well...
01:09:29 I can't remember
01:09:34 Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
01:09:36 So, I've got the stats back
01:09:40 They need some more blood supplies
01:09:42 The what?
01:09:43 Yes, the knee string.
01:09:46 Hm.
01:09:48 I've finished my shift now.
01:09:50 So I'm going to take my team
01:09:53 - Right?
01:09:55 So I'll see you up there.
01:09:58 Yeah?
01:10:01 - OK.
01:10:02 You all right, lads.
01:10:05 - No, no.
01:10:06 OK.
01:10:12 Right, so your brother-in-law,
01:10:17 (Sofia) Er, like I said, about two months ago.
01:10:31 (Car stereo plays)
01:10:54 | Dancing in the moonlight
01:10:56 | Everybody's feeling warm and bright
01:11:01 | Such a fine and natural sight
01:11:04 | Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
01:11:32 (Omar) Come on lads, we're late.
01:11:36 - Is it all right?
01:11:38 - Yeah.
01:11:41 (Waj) Yeah, nearly done.
01:11:42 - (Omar) OK?
01:11:49 Mujahid, brothers!
01:11:51 - (Barry) Mujahid.
01:11:54 (Hassan) Mujahid!
01:11:59 Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
01:12:00 What?
01:12:02 Blowing up kuffar and that?
01:12:04 - Totally legit, yeah?
01:12:06 Good. Wicked.
01:12:09 I was just... just checking and that.
01:12:13 Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro.
01:12:16 OK? The shaitan,
01:12:20 What you've got to do,
01:12:24 - My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
01:12:27 It says, er...
01:12:29 "It's wrong, Waj, don't do it."
01:12:35 And what does your brain say?
01:12:41 "We're here...
01:12:44 "...together, strapped up,
01:12:47 "and it would be, like,
01:12:50 Right, um...
01:12:52 - So he should listen to his brain.
01:12:56 Anyway, this is Waj's brain.
01:12:59 - Sorry, bro.
01:13:02 His brain says do it,
01:13:05 That can't be his brain, right?
01:13:08 - Feels like my brain, brother.
01:13:13 What's happened is,
01:13:17 He's swapped round
01:13:19 So, don't listen
01:13:24 cos that's actually your brain -
01:13:26 in disguise as your heart.
01:13:29 Right? And what you thought
01:13:32 that's... that's your heart.
01:13:35 That's actually your heart.
01:13:37 My brain is my heart.
01:13:39 You got it, our kid. So just...
01:13:42 What's up there?
01:13:43 Heart.
01:13:46 OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
01:13:48 Nice one, brother.
01:13:50 - Right?
01:13:54 - Hey, hey!
01:13:56 Oh, behn choad!
01:13:59 We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity.
01:14:00 Stretches, stretches, stretches.
01:14:03 - We're running for charity.
01:14:05 - For kids.
01:14:07 Policemen's kids.
01:14:09 You all right, officer?
01:14:11 - Late for the fun run, lads?
01:14:14 Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
01:14:20 You can't run in that, can you?
01:14:23 He just drew the short straw.
01:14:27 Four short straws were there?
01:14:30 (Nervous laughter)
01:14:33 Red zone? It's back down there, left.
01:14:35 Second left again, then there's marshals.
01:14:39 Thank you.
01:14:42 You're gonna die in that gear, lads.
01:14:46 - That's more than likely.
01:14:48 (Barry) We're all going to die, yeah.
01:14:50 It's all for a good cause, though.
01:14:55 Well, good luck.
01:14:59 Have a good day.
01:15:01 (Omar) Everybody OK?
01:15:03 Got your detonator on?
01:15:06 Hass, have you got your number?
01:15:09 Hey!
01:15:10 - Where the fuck has he gone?
01:15:12 What the fuck's he doing?
01:15:13 Help! Help!
01:15:15 - I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!
01:15:18 - I've got a bomb!
01:15:20 It's the costume.
01:15:23 - I've got a bomb but it's a mistake!
01:15:26 - (Policeman) You've got a bomb?
01:15:29 Don't worry.
01:15:31 - This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
01:15:33 No, I'm real, but not any more.
01:15:37 You're real but not any more?
01:15:38 I don't understand.
01:15:40 Yes, but it's not going to go off.
01:15:42 - How do I know that?
01:15:53 We've got to go, now.
01:15:55 We need to go, now.
01:15:57 Now!
01:16:07 (Omar) Go! Come on, go!
01:16:09 Waj, try and find some targets.
01:16:12 Radisson-style penthouse suite!
01:16:13 Smooth running, Waj.
01:16:15 "Smooth running, Waj.
01:16:18 - You killed Hassan!
01:16:21 You took away his choice.
01:16:23 Did Waj have a choice
01:16:25 his heart was his brain
01:16:28 You tomatoed your friend.
01:16:30 - Barry...
01:16:33 (Police siren)
01:16:35 No, I haven't.
01:16:37 Let him blow!
01:16:38 Let the retard blow!
01:16:43 Fuck!
01:16:47 (Helicopter overhead)
01:16:55 (Police siren)
01:16:59 (Applause and cheering)
01:17:15 Oi, you, stop!
01:17:24 (Horn)
01:17:46 All right, bro?
01:17:47 Hey!
01:17:53 Stay there!
01:17:54 I'm fucking loaded! Yeah?
01:17:57 No messing now, yeah?
01:18:00 That's it. Stay there.
01:18:08 Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
01:18:10 Shut it!
01:18:13 Right, lads. See this, yeah?
01:18:16 Any of you do anything,
01:18:18 we're all turning baked beans, all right?
01:18:20 No fucking messing now. Yeah?
01:18:25 (Radio) Target confirmations are
01:18:28 Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
01:18:38 The bear is down. Repeat,
01:18:40 I think that's a wookie.
01:18:43 No, it's not, it's a bear.
01:18:45 Is a wookie a bear, control?
01:18:47 The bear target has changed.
01:18:50 Is a honey monster a bear?
01:18:53 A honey monster is not a bear.
01:18:56 A honey monster is a bear.
01:18:58 The honey monster is down.
01:19:00 The honey monster is down?
01:19:02 The honey monster is not down, control.
01:19:05 - What's a wookie?
01:19:08 No, it is a wookie.
01:19:11 - Is a wookie a bear?
01:19:13 The wookie is down.
01:19:15 Well, it must be the target.
01:19:24 I'll just finish this,
01:19:27 Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge.
01:19:31 Are you going to kill us?
01:19:32 Well, I might have some seconds,
01:19:36 Why?
01:19:37 For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
01:19:40 But we support jihad, bro.
01:19:43 I can't explain it, lads, but...
01:19:46 If brother Omar were here,
01:19:48 I swear he'd tell you knowledge
01:20:08 (Mobile rings)
01:20:11 - Omar?
01:20:13 - Are you in paradise, bro?
01:20:15 - I'm in a cafe. Where are you?
01:20:18 I've got hostages and everything,
01:20:21 - Right, listen, Waj. You've got to...
01:20:25 I still get points for taking them with me,
01:20:31 Omar?
01:20:32 - Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
01:20:37 Just grab one of them.
01:20:39 OK.
01:20:41 Right, you stay.
01:20:43 You three can go.
01:20:47 Go!
01:20:49 OK. Now listen, Waj.
01:20:50 What you were saying before
01:20:53 you were right, it is wrong.
01:20:54 - I don't... What do you mean?
01:20:56 For you, Waj,
01:20:58 Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
01:21:03 No, you're confused, bro.
01:21:05 I'm not confused, brother.
01:21:06 Yes, you are confused.
01:21:09 But when I'm confused,
01:21:11 Wait.
01:21:21 Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
01:21:25 - Waj, I don't need...
01:21:27 Waj. Waj, wait.
01:21:29 Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
01:21:31 "Listen to me." It's too late
01:21:37 Aargh!
01:21:38 Oh!
01:21:40 Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
01:21:42 You want to call him?
01:21:43 You want to call
01:21:45 Here you go.
01:21:47 You forgot the SIM card.
01:21:59 Mind out. Mind out the way.
01:22:02 Easy, chap. OK.
01:22:04 It's all right, I can Heimlich.
01:22:07 - Wait.
01:22:09 That's it. Don't fight it.
01:22:11 That's it, that's it.
01:22:14 And catch the peanut!
01:22:36 (Mobile rings)
01:22:39 Number withheld.
01:22:42 Answer it, bro.
01:22:44 Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
01:22:47 - Waj?
01:22:49 Waj, this is Ed.
01:22:53 - How did you get this number?
01:22:56 - Have you got agents at Orange?
01:22:59 You've got proper double agents
01:23:02 I knew I should have gone to O2.
01:23:05 Waj, what are your demands?
01:23:10 I don't have any.
01:23:19 Excuse me, mate. Have you got
01:23:23 Not for that model, but we can sort one out
01:23:27 Can you make this work.
01:23:29 It's only a display model.
01:23:31 Yeah, I want it. I need it.
01:23:32 Gordon? Can you get that phone
01:23:42 Waj, why are you doing this?
01:23:44 Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
01:23:46 Sorry?
01:23:47 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
01:23:51 Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
01:23:53 - No queue.
01:23:57 It's not a funfair, bro,
01:24:00 Funfair? How old are you?
01:24:02 Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
01:24:06 - Just now.
01:24:08 I'm doing it for you.
01:24:10 - Contract?
01:24:12 - Do the call plan.
01:24:14 Easy, bro, easy.
01:24:17 - I think I'm going to go now, bro.
01:24:21 I bet you like the ladies.
01:24:24 Is this your first time, bro?
01:24:26 Are you a virgin at this?
01:24:29 Please, Waj,
01:24:31 You fill that out. Fill it out.
01:24:34 - What sort of call plan would you like?
01:24:36 We've got the Labrador?
01:24:38 - Just any?
01:24:41 - Huh?
01:24:44 Forget it.
01:24:47 I've still got your card.
01:24:51 OK, we can talk about girls.
01:24:53 Right so what sort of girls
01:24:56 I don't know.
01:24:59 - Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
01:25:01 And nice fit arses, too, man.
01:25:03 You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj?
01:25:06 I knew you were, bro.
01:25:08 You're a massive arse man.
01:25:10 - What are you saying?
01:25:13 You giving me batty chirps, bro?
01:25:17 - No.
01:25:23 Fucking Boy George!
01:25:34 Don't worry, brother Nabil.
01:25:40 Hold on to these.
01:25:42 When I press the clicker,
01:25:43 just think about taking out the kuffar.
01:25:46 You'll be in paradise before me, bro!
01:25:48 But there's no kuffar here, bro.
01:25:52 Yeah, but...
01:25:54 Brother Faisal, he's a martyr
01:25:59 I think you might be confused, brother.
01:26:03 I'm not.
01:26:06 You look confused.
01:26:14 Sorry. Matt!
01:26:16 - Omar!
01:26:20 Yeah, man, listen.
01:26:23 Yeah. What are you doing here?
01:26:25 I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5.
01:26:27 Special undercover job. I'm a spook.
01:26:30 What?
01:26:32 So what's going on?
01:26:33 Fathers 4 Justice.
01:26:36 They've teamed up with the Real IRA.
01:26:39 - Jesus.
01:26:46 (Mobile rings)
01:26:48 Fucking "number unknown" again.
01:26:50 Is that whammer cop
01:26:54 - What are you doing?
01:26:56 - Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar.
01:26:58 Omar?
01:26:59 - Waj.
01:27:01 I think I might be confused
01:27:04 Listen, bro.
01:27:06 You do the same as me, OK?
01:27:07 Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you.
01:27:09 Right, OK.
01:27:13 - Eh?
01:27:15 (Crash)
01:27:20 Waj? Waj!
01:27:24 Waj? Waj?
01:27:28 Brother, what am I?
01:27:34 - Waj! Waj!
01:27:37 - Pick up the phone!
01:27:38 All right, mate?
01:27:41 I'm sorry, lads.
01:27:54 What was that?
01:28:06 Are you all right?
01:28:08 (Police sirens in the distance)
01:28:14 Omar, are you all right?
01:28:16 Now, you stay here.
01:28:19 What?
01:28:21 Smile on my face.
01:28:24 Right... Smile.
01:28:29 - Is there?
01:28:35 Where are you going?
01:28:38 Omar?
01:29:24 This is RAF Mildenhall,
01:29:28 but it's actually Egypt.
01:29:31 When you entered the base,
01:29:35 and you passed through US jurisdiction
01:29:40 which is internationally recognised
01:29:46 You are now in Egypt.
01:29:50 There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
01:29:54 They use electrodes. They use drills.
01:29:58 Biro refills.
01:30:01 I don't know anything about my brother.
01:30:08 We know a lot more
01:30:13 (Matt) All right, let's get one thing straight.
01:30:19 Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
01:30:22 Did you know
01:30:25 Cos he told me that himself.
01:30:27 The report makes crystal clear
01:30:32 but, as far as I'm aware,
01:30:36 Is that clear?
01:30:42 (Hassan) Today you felt our exploding sword
01:30:46 in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
01:30:50 (Raps) We're the muslimeen
01:30:54 Now you wanna know
01:30:56 It's like Tupac said:
01:31:00 "Fight and be slain,
01:31:04 Got shaheed in my heed,
01:31:08 We are the martyrs,
01:31:12 - Now we've got...
01:31:15 For my creed, I daheed
01:31:17 What's "daheed", though?
01:31:18 Died.
01:31:20 - Daheed, died. Daheed.
01:31:22 - You're rhyming doolally.
01:31:25 No, no, look. In my opinion...
01:31:26 Look, no, man. In your opinion?
01:31:30 With all due respect, bro,
01:31:32 What the fuck's that about?
01:31:33 - Come here.
01:31:35 - Come here, man.
01:31:54 When we talk about a so-called
01:31:59 we should remember one thing:
01:32:01 Most loud bangs are not bombs,
01:32:05 they're scooters backfiring.
01:32:16 This footage, taken from an American spy plane.
01:32:19 Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
01:32:24 Firing it at an Arab training camp
01:32:27 and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden.
01:32:37 The western imperialist culture
01:32:41 mainlining iPods and Humvees
01:32:46 Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
01:32:48 - What?
01:32:54 Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right,
01:32:57 you owe me £200.
01:32:59 And you're gonna pay up.
01:33:01 Cos I'm not here right now.
01:33:03 I'm somewhere else,
01:33:07 You're going to pay Saf.
01:33:09 you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right,
01:33:12 and you get him to pay me my £200,
01:33:19 He owes me money.