|
Get Smart
|
| 00:00:52 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:01:12 |
[IN KOREAN] |
| 00:01:15 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:01:34 |
[IN ARABIC] |
| 00:01:38 |
[IN ARABIC] |
| 00:01:51 |
[ABBA'S "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME" |
| 00:02:24 |
WOMAN: And this display is all that's left |
| 00:02:27 |
...which once battled against |
| 00:02:31 |
CONTROL was disbanded |
| 00:02:34 |
Okay, up next, an exhibit... |
| 00:03:19 |
[BEEPING] |
| 00:03:44 |
Judy, the elevator is still doing that thing |
| 00:03:48 |
Are you sure Maintenance fixed that? |
| 00:03:50 |
Let me check. |
| 00:03:52 |
Yep, they fixed it. |
| 00:03:55 |
See you later. |
| 00:04:00 |
- Hey, Max. |
| 00:04:02 |
[FLY BUZZING] |
| 00:04:03 |
16 floors down, |
| 00:04:05 |
- Hey, Max. |
| 00:04:07 |
Hey, Larabee, 91. |
| 00:04:08 |
Yeah, big day. Could be |
| 00:04:12 |
Field-agent test results are due. |
| 00:04:14 |
Oh. Is that today? |
| 00:04:18 |
Can you imagine Max as an agent? |
| 00:04:21 |
[LAUGHING] |
| 00:04:23 |
Uh-oh. Two-nerd pile-up. |
| 00:04:24 |
[IMITATES CARS CRASHING] |
| 00:04:25 |
- Move! |
| 00:04:26 |
- Move! |
| 00:04:27 |
- Move! |
| 00:04:27 |
Pretty boys. Nothing but empty suits. |
| 00:04:30 |
- Good morning, Bruce, Lloyd. |
| 00:04:34 |
I mean, lab guys like us, analysts like you, |
| 00:04:37 |
BRUCE: We're the true guardians |
| 00:04:40 |
And I hear we're getting |
| 00:04:43 |
No, that's only for agents. |
| 00:04:45 |
Oh. |
| 00:04:58 |
MAN: |
| 00:05:10 |
Thank you. Thank you, thank you. |
| 00:05:12 |
- Welcome back, 23. |
| 00:05:14 |
So how was the assassination? |
| 00:05:17 |
Maxie, you know assassinations |
| 00:05:19 |
...by executive order 12333. |
| 00:05:23 |
[ALL LAUGHING] |
| 00:05:25 |
23, you kill me. |
| 00:05:27 |
- I could if I wanted to. |
| 00:05:29 |
Did you see that face he made? Scary. |
| 00:05:35 |
Six months' work. 18 million dollars. |
| 00:05:39 |
Fricking agents, man. |
| 00:05:41 |
MAN: |
| 00:05:43 |
MAX: A lot of chatter in this region |
| 00:05:48 |
You may remember |
| 00:05:52 |
...that there has been an uptick |
| 00:05:55 |
[BEEPING] |
| 00:05:57 |
To wit, I offer |
| 00:06:00 |
What are you doing? Are you texting? |
| 00:06:02 |
Yeah, letting my fiancee know |
| 00:06:05 |
I'll still be in this meeting. |
| 00:06:08 |
AGENT 23: Can I see that a second? |
| 00:06:10 |
That's great. |
| 00:06:11 |
[CRACKING] |
| 00:06:12 |
That's weird. You lost your signal. |
| 00:06:14 |
Sorry to interrupt, Maxie, go ahead. |
| 00:06:17 |
Next time use your own damn phone. |
| 00:06:21 |
Good morning, men. No, offense, Karen. |
| 00:06:23 |
Snappy tie. |
| 00:06:24 |
Sorry I'm late, but I just came out |
| 00:06:27 |
...with our incredibly abrasive, dismissive |
| 00:06:31 |
MAX: |
| 00:06:33 |
I have obtained a snippet, |
| 00:06:39 |
[MAN SPEAKING IN PUNJABI |
| 00:06:42 |
"Aftab, how is your coffee?" |
| 00:06:45 |
"Good, Dalip, it's decaf. |
| 00:06:48 |
How is yours?" |
| 00:06:51 |
"It is good also. |
| 00:06:53 |
How is your muffin?" |
| 00:06:57 |
Powerful stuff. |
| 00:06:59 |
So "muffin," then, is a code word? |
| 00:07:02 |
No, it is comfort food... |
| 00:07:03 |
...and quite frankly, more |
| 00:07:07 |
Which begs the question... |
| 00:07:08 |
...why would two |
| 00:07:12 |
...risk the carbs? |
| 00:07:16 |
Because they are under |
| 00:07:19 |
- Hence the decaf. |
| 00:07:21 |
Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? |
| 00:07:23 |
Because he has been sleeping |
| 00:07:26 |
...because he called his sister-in-law |
| 00:07:30 |
People often say things |
| 00:07:30 |
People often say things |
| 00:07:33 |
Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. |
| 00:07:37 |
Just words, really, that shouldn't |
| 00:07:42 |
Let it go, man. Those kids |
| 00:07:46 |
Can we put a pin in this, please... |
| 00:07:48 |
...and go back to Max's |
| 00:07:51 |
Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... |
| 00:07:53 |
...that until we understand |
| 00:07:56 |
...we will never defeat them. |
| 00:07:57 |
Yes, they are bad guys, but that |
| 00:08:03 |
Let's continue listening... |
| 00:08:05 |
...and bear in mind that the next 100 pages |
| 00:08:09 |
MAN: |
| 00:08:23 |
Easy, Durat! This stuff is radioactive. |
| 00:08:26 |
One slip-up, and it's "ka-fricking-boom!" |
| 00:08:28 |
MAN: |
| 00:08:31 |
This is KAOS. |
| 00:08:35 |
Sorry, Mr. Siegfried. |
| 00:08:37 |
Get it in the truck, |
| 00:08:40 |
But if we have what we want, |
| 00:08:50 |
Any more questions? |
| 00:09:17 |
Missed me! |
| 00:09:18 |
[LAUGHS] |
| 00:09:20 |
All right! All right! I'm out! |
| 00:09:23 |
He was lying, Max. It was a good shot. |
| 00:09:26 |
Thanks. |
| 00:09:27 |
I am so sick of training. |
| 00:09:30 |
AGENT 91: Give it up, 23! It's just you |
| 00:09:34 |
Oh, gee, Maxi-pad, |
| 00:09:38 |
I never have actually heard that before. |
| 00:09:41 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:09:47 |
23, you're bleeding. |
| 00:09:48 |
It's a knife wound from the last mission. |
| 00:09:52 |
LARABEE: |
| 00:09:54 |
Come over here |
| 00:09:56 |
"Let's Go to the Dog Show." |
| 00:09:58 |
I put a collar on you |
| 00:10:01 |
[GUNSHOT] |
| 00:10:02 |
[LARABEE GRO ANING] |
| 00:10:05 |
I think I really got inside his head. |
| 00:10:08 |
I am not proud of what I just did. |
| 00:10:08 |
I am not proud of what I just did. |
| 00:10:10 |
Game over, Chatty Cathy. |
| 00:10:13 |
[GRUNTING] |
| 00:10:17 |
Game over when I say it's over. |
| 00:10:20 |
- Okay. |
| 00:10:23 |
Okay. Who wants lunch? |
| 00:10:25 |
Well, excellent work, 23, |
| 00:10:29 |
[MAN GRUNTS] |
| 00:10:30 |
[EARS RINGING] |
| 00:10:31 |
- Max, the Chief wants to see you. |
| 00:10:42 |
You wanted to see me, Chief? |
| 00:10:44 |
Yes, Max, yes, please, sit down. |
| 00:10:46 |
Your field-agent test results |
| 00:10:51 |
- Something wrong with your ear? |
| 00:10:54 |
Would you like me |
| 00:10:57 |
Answer what? |
| 00:10:58 |
Nothing. You were saying? |
| 00:11:00 |
I was saying the results |
| 00:11:03 |
In fact, your essay on existentialism |
| 00:11:06 |
I left that section blank. |
| 00:11:08 |
Blank? Brilliant. |
| 00:11:10 |
Brilliant, Max. |
| 00:11:11 |
- You passed with flying colors. |
| 00:11:14 |
You know what, sir? |
| 00:11:17 |
I felt good about this year's test, |
| 00:11:20 |
...that in previous years, |
| 00:11:30 |
Personal best. |
| 00:11:31 |
But not anymore. I'm ready for duty. |
| 00:11:34 |
I know how hard |
| 00:11:36 |
...and how much this means to you... |
| 00:11:38 |
...but I'm afraid I can't promote you. |
| 00:11:41 |
- What? |
| 00:11:44 |
I mean, the amount of chatter |
| 00:11:48 |
...I mean, they go way beyond |
| 00:11:51 |
So to be clear, you're not promoting me, |
| 00:11:58 |
Max, the way you and I work |
| 00:12:01 |
I spend half my days |
| 00:12:04 |
...that intelligence comes |
| 00:12:07 |
Men with hunches, |
| 00:12:11 |
I'm very proud of you, Max... |
| 00:12:13 |
...very proud of you... |
| 00:12:16 |
...but I need you where you are. |
| 00:12:41 |
MAX: |
| 00:12:44 |
Despite today's setback, |
| 00:12:48 |
...and when that happens... |
| 00:12:49 |
...one phone call could take me |
| 00:12:53 |
Who am I kidding? I'm a middle-aged |
| 00:12:58 |
You don't deserve this. |
| 00:13:02 |
You're so young and so full of life. |
| 00:13:05 |
Don't do it, Fang. |
| 00:13:07 |
Don't love me. |
| 00:13:09 |
[GRUNTING] |
| 00:13:11 |
MAX: |
| 00:13:12 |
- Oh, great. |
| 00:13:15 |
That was my last mile. |
| 00:13:17 |
You were moving. |
| 00:13:20 |
I have a low center of gravity. |
| 00:13:22 |
I'm just gonna call that one a 4:50. |
| 00:13:25 |
Impressive. I once ran a 5:16. |
| 00:13:29 |
Oh, really? That's, uh, slower. |
| 00:13:32 |
Not everything's a competition. |
| 00:13:34 |
Well, if it were, I'd win. |
| 00:13:36 |
Ah. Are you flirting with me? |
| 00:13:39 |
Not at all. Are you flirting with me? |
| 00:13:41 |
That depends. Is it working? |
| 00:13:43 |
Not at all. |
| 00:13:45 |
Well, nice meeting you! |
| 00:13:48 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:13:51 |
Am I invisible? |
| 00:14:05 |
[ALARM WAILING] |
| 00:14:29 |
Bruce, Lloyd, what happened? |
| 00:14:32 |
And what is that ungodly smell? |
| 00:14:35 |
Fear. |
| 00:14:38 |
I'll be back. |
| 00:14:39 |
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING] |
| 00:14:45 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:14:47 |
Freeze. |
| 00:14:48 |
- No, you freeze. |
| 00:14:50 |
- I told you to freeze. |
| 00:14:52 |
Oh, my God. |
| 00:14:55 |
- You. |
| 00:14:56 |
- Are you CONTROL? |
| 00:14:58 |
I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you? |
| 00:15:02 |
I'm Agent 99. |
| 00:15:04 |
Oh, my word. You are Agent 99? |
| 00:15:07 |
- I am a huge fan! |
| 00:15:10 |
[CLATTERING] |
| 00:15:20 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:15:23 |
I'm right here, just talk to me! |
| 00:15:24 |
I'm going to cause a diversion. |
| 00:15:27 |
- I really don't think that that's a... |
| 00:15:29 |
- Did you just...? |
| 00:15:49 |
Go, go, go! |
| 00:15:51 |
MAN 1: |
| 00:15:54 |
MAN 2: |
| 00:16:04 |
MAX: Good, 23, just in time. |
| 00:16:09 |
Is that the Chief? |
| 00:16:12 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:16:13 |
Sorry about that, Chief. |
| 00:16:15 |
Is that a dent in his head? |
| 00:16:27 |
[WHISTLES] |
| 00:16:34 |
Hi. Hi. |
| 00:16:36 |
Agent 13, you are in a tree. |
| 00:16:39 |
Yeah, communications got knocked down, |
| 00:16:42 |
- Old-school stuff. |
| 00:16:45 |
Yeah, yeah. |
| 00:16:46 |
Well, I have to get going. |
| 00:16:50 |
You don't have to get going. |
| 00:16:52 |
Yeah, I've got a meeting. |
| 00:16:53 |
- How you been? |
| 00:16:55 |
- Everything good? |
| 00:16:58 |
Could you come back this way? |
| 00:17:01 |
Yeah, yeah, I think I will. |
| 00:17:03 |
What time? |
| 00:17:05 |
Well... Mm. |
| 00:17:08 |
I get it. |
| 00:17:11 |
Who wants to talk to a guy in a tree? |
| 00:17:13 |
I get it. |
| 00:17:15 |
Hang in there. |
| 00:17:28 |
[BEEPING] |
| 00:17:39 |
CHIEF: |
| 00:17:41 |
You'll have to bear with me, |
| 00:17:44 |
I got a pretty good |
| 00:17:47 |
Yes, it was dark in there. |
| 00:17:51 |
I hurt my knee. It was smoky too. |
| 00:17:55 |
CHIEF: |
| 00:17:58 |
Wait. Chief, I request |
| 00:18:01 |
Max, not the cone of silence. |
| 00:18:04 |
We thought CONTROL was safe. |
| 00:18:07 |
Okay. Lloyd. |
| 00:18:12 |
CHIEF: Okay, we have reason to believe |
| 00:18:16 |
- You have to speak up. |
| 00:18:19 |
- I'm not hearing anyone. |
| 00:18:21 |
CHIEF: Can you hear me? |
| 00:18:23 |
- Bruce, it's not working. |
| 00:18:26 |
Chief! I hit you in the head |
| 00:18:29 |
No, no, no, we're not ready yet. |
| 00:18:32 |
LARABEE: |
| 00:18:34 |
- It doesn't work, get rid of it. |
| 00:18:36 |
This thing is no good. |
| 00:18:39 |
- Turn it off! |
| 00:18:41 |
Larabee wants out! |
| 00:18:46 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:18:48 |
Today's the day, and we're gonna |
| 00:18:51 |
LARABEE: That is cold. That's cold. |
| 00:18:54 |
CHIEF: |
| 00:18:55 |
Yep. I can hear now. |
| 00:18:57 |
Sorry, Chief, someone led me to believe |
| 00:19:00 |
For the record, I never actually |
| 00:19:03 |
"I'll show them the cone. |
| 00:19:06 |
- You said that to me. |
| 00:19:08 |
Listen up, people. |
| 00:19:09 |
There's been a rash of thefts |
| 00:19:12 |
...especially yellowcake, |
| 00:19:14 |
Now, based on Max's intel, we were |
| 00:19:19 |
We must've been close |
| 00:19:21 |
...so KAOS hit us and they hit us hard. |
| 00:19:23 |
They hacked our system... |
| 00:19:25 |
...and learned the identities |
| 00:19:26 |
...and learned the identities |
| 00:19:28 |
Around the world |
| 00:19:30 |
[DARTS WHIZZING] |
| 00:19:38 |
Our only lead is the maker of the bomb |
| 00:19:42 |
Vladimir Krs... |
| 00:19:43 |
- It's pronounced "Krstic," sir. |
| 00:19:45 |
[MUMBLES] |
| 00:19:47 |
MAX: |
| 00:19:48 |
[MUMBLES] |
| 00:19:49 |
Yes. He is a Bosnian national, and one |
| 00:19:54 |
Unfortunately, we have no idea |
| 00:19:57 |
Actually, sir, we do. He is in Russia. |
| 00:19:59 |
- How do you know that? |
| 00:20:05 |
Doesn't anybody read my reports? |
| 00:20:07 |
All right, our mission is clear, people. |
| 00:20:11 |
- Krstic. |
| 00:20:13 |
- Kris Kringle. Fish stick. |
| 00:20:15 |
- Okay, I got it, I got it. |
| 00:20:17 |
Use him to get to KAOS, |
| 00:20:21 |
...before they can do something |
| 00:20:23 |
...and maybe, if we're lucky, |
| 00:20:27 |
...Siegfried. |
| 00:20:29 |
Pictured here with his |
| 00:20:32 |
How are we gonna do that |
| 00:20:35 |
Put me out there, Chief. |
| 00:20:38 |
Do you ever think before you speak? |
| 00:20:40 |
No, I just whip it out there. |
| 00:20:42 |
Fortunately, we have other options. |
| 00:20:44 |
99 recently underwent massive plastic |
| 00:20:49 |
We also have a new agent, Agent 86. |
| 00:20:52 |
Who's that, sir? |
| 00:20:54 |
It's you, Max. |
| 00:20:57 |
All right, Maxie. |
| 00:21:00 |
You did it. |
| 00:21:03 |
Lloyd, may I have the C.O.S. Please? |
| 00:21:10 |
I'm so happy! |
| 00:21:11 |
I'm so happy! |
| 00:21:17 |
Max, you didn't push |
| 00:21:21 |
- So you could hear me? |
| 00:21:24 |
- Right. |
| 00:21:27 |
- I'm not questioning your judgment... |
| 00:21:31 |
If you have something to say to me, |
| 00:21:34 |
Max has no experience. |
| 00:21:37 |
Well, that is a sucker punch |
| 00:21:43 |
Hey, Max. We got you a lovely |
| 00:21:47 |
Oh, a pocketknife. |
| 00:21:49 |
Not just a pocketknife, Swiss Army knife. |
| 00:21:52 |
Comes with tweezers, pliers, |
| 00:21:54 |
Fish scaler, a saw, a flamethrower, |
| 00:21:58 |
- What was that thing you said? |
| 00:22:00 |
Before that. |
| 00:22:02 |
- Yeah. |
| 00:22:06 |
We also added a crossbow |
| 00:22:08 |
...connected to spider-silk nano-thread. |
| 00:22:12 |
It's a time-consuming, |
| 00:22:14 |
The spiders |
| 00:22:17 |
And they do not like it. |
| 00:22:19 |
No, they don't. |
| 00:22:20 |
Gentlemen, you're the best. |
| 00:22:23 |
Thanks. |
| 00:22:41 |
WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, |
| 00:22:44 |
...please keep your seatbelts fastened. |
| 00:22:47 |
I feel really good about us as partners. |
| 00:22:49 |
23 says that's important. |
| 00:22:52 |
"Trust is a must." That's what 23 says. |
| 00:22:55 |
Does he? |
| 00:22:56 |
You and I share a bond, I think. |
| 00:22:59 |
We both know what it feels like to look |
| 00:23:03 |
You with the surgery, |
| 00:23:06 |
I wanna show you something. |
| 00:23:13 |
That was me. |
| 00:23:14 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:23:16 |
Congratulations. |
| 00:23:18 |
Thank you. |
| 00:23:22 |
This is me. |
| 00:23:26 |
MAX: |
| 00:23:28 |
Very impressive, 99. |
| 00:23:30 |
You were truly hideous back then. |
| 00:23:35 |
Since we are going |
| 00:23:38 |
...maybe we should get our story set. |
| 00:23:41 |
Okay, good idea. |
| 00:23:44 |
We met at a marketing convention in Vegas. |
| 00:23:49 |
I like your parents, but you hate mine. |
| 00:23:51 |
Do we want kids? |
| 00:23:52 |
Well, you do, |
| 00:23:55 |
I don't know if that's fair. |
| 00:23:58 |
- Well, not by much. |
| 00:24:03 |
When they gave me a new face, |
| 00:24:07 |
...take a couple years off. |
| 00:24:09 |
You know, why not? |
| 00:24:12 |
Well, if that's the case, then you are |
| 00:24:17 |
Well, no. I was never... |
| 00:24:19 |
I'm just saying that your eggs could dry up |
| 00:24:23 |
So time is of the essence. |
| 00:24:26 |
- That's your opinion. |
| 00:24:29 |
There is a lot of time |
| 00:24:32 |
I will not be rushed into it |
| 00:24:35 |
- You don't have much time. |
| 00:24:42 |
Uh-oh. |
| 00:24:43 |
- What? |
| 00:24:46 |
Don't turn around, don't turn around. |
| 00:24:54 |
Do you see him? |
| 00:24:56 |
I'm just widening my eyes. |
| 00:24:59 |
The big guy that might as well |
| 00:25:02 |
"I'm an assassin, here to kill you." |
| 00:25:04 |
Okay, 99, you know what? |
| 00:25:06 |
Just because he is large doesn't |
| 00:25:13 |
Oh. Wow. |
| 00:25:15 |
That's a bad guy. |
| 00:25:19 |
- You don't say. |
| 00:25:21 |
Yes. |
| 00:25:22 |
His head looks like |
| 00:25:27 |
You know what? |
| 00:25:30 |
That's profiling, |
| 00:25:33 |
Darn it, I have gum on my new shoes. |
| 00:25:41 |
- He's trying to light his shoe. |
| 00:25:44 |
- Get him! |
| 00:25:45 |
- He's got a gun! |
| 00:25:49 |
[PEOPLE SCREAMING] |
| 00:25:52 |
Gum! |
| 00:25:54 |
Federal marshal, you're under arrest. |
| 00:25:56 |
Sir, I believe you just shattered |
| 00:26:01 |
MAN [O VER SPEAKER]: Folks, we may |
| 00:26:04 |
The "fasten seatbelt" sign |
| 00:26:08 |
Well, you were no help whatsoever. |
| 00:26:11 |
How could I help? |
| 00:26:15 |
I never said dusty. |
| 00:26:18 |
We're close to the drop site. |
| 00:26:20 |
- Gonna be all right with your cuffs? |
| 00:26:25 |
Excuse me, violent sky marshal. |
| 00:26:28 |
What do you want? |
| 00:26:29 |
I have to squeeze the lemon. |
| 00:26:31 |
MAN: |
| 00:26:33 |
MAX: |
| 00:26:34 |
Squeeze the lemon. |
| 00:26:50 |
- Do you work out? |
| 00:26:53 |
Yeah, I'm big on protein. Protein's great. |
| 00:27:06 |
[GRO ANING] |
| 00:27:09 |
I gotta get it out. I gotta get that out! |
| 00:27:12 |
[MAX GRO ANING] |
| 00:27:13 |
That's in there, that's in there. |
| 00:27:25 |
No time for pain. |
| 00:27:27 |
Over the drop zone. |
| 00:27:33 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:27:35 |
Ball sack! |
| 00:27:46 |
Son of a hamster. |
| 00:27:48 |
MARSHAL: You all right in there? |
| 00:27:50 |
Everything's fine. |
| 00:27:52 |
Mother of pearl! |
| 00:28:01 |
That burns! |
| 00:28:03 |
Last chance. |
| 00:28:08 |
WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: |
| 00:28:13 |
[SCREAMS] |
| 00:28:16 |
First package away. |
| 00:28:25 |
Absolutely, I love cats. |
| 00:28:28 |
- Really? |
| 00:28:35 |
Damn. |
| 00:28:50 |
Second package away. |
| 00:28:57 |
[MAX YELLING] |
| 00:29:10 |
Oh, good, you heard me. |
| 00:29:15 |
Third package away. |
| 00:29:18 |
Third package? |
| 00:29:25 |
99, Easter Island. |
| 00:29:30 |
[YELLS] |
| 00:29:31 |
[FABRIC TEARS] |
| 00:29:35 |
- I'll be right back! |
| 00:30:00 |
[YELLING] |
| 00:30:04 |
Okay, never do that again! |
| 00:30:08 |
AGENT 99: Stop hanging on me! |
| 00:30:16 |
AGENT 99: Max, I can't reach my reserve! |
| 00:30:26 |
[LAUGHS] |
| 00:30:28 |
That would have definitely |
| 00:30:30 |
Are you crazy? |
| 00:30:55 |
MAX: Aim for the haystack. |
| 00:30:56 |
- Aim for the haystack, it's softer. |
| 00:31:01 |
MAX: |
| 00:31:04 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:31:31 |
MAX: |
| 00:31:33 |
...but that was some kiss. |
| 00:31:36 |
How did you know that would work? |
| 00:31:38 |
Have you kissed other men |
| 00:31:40 |
Okay, you know what? |
| 00:31:42 |
So far, our entire partnership has consisted |
| 00:31:46 |
Do you know why? |
| 00:31:49 |
So here's how we stop that. I lead now. |
| 00:31:51 |
I'm the one with experience. |
| 00:31:54 |
I beg to differ. |
| 00:31:55 |
I looked up your field agent exam, |
| 00:31:58 |
- My what? |
| 00:32:01 |
I scored eight points higher than you. |
| 00:32:02 |
This is not a classroom. |
| 00:32:04 |
That's the difference between |
| 00:32:06 |
- You'll get us killed if you don't listen! |
| 00:32:11 |
Okay, you're faced with an assassin. |
| 00:32:14 |
- I take out my gun, and I would shoot... |
| 00:32:18 |
- I did until you took it. |
| 00:32:19 |
- No, I'm not. |
| 00:32:21 |
- Stop shooting me. |
| 00:32:22 |
- I don't like it when you shoot me. |
| 00:32:24 |
- Stop it. |
| 00:32:26 |
Stop shooting me more. |
| 00:32:29 |
Throw out your manual. |
| 00:32:31 |
Out here there are no grades, |
| 00:32:36 |
You know, I am not completely |
| 00:32:40 |
I am a master in the art of Hwa Rang Do. |
| 00:32:45 |
[GRUNTS] |
| 00:32:46 |
- I was not ready. |
| 00:32:49 |
Yeah, you know what? That... |
| 00:32:50 |
Hey, what was that? |
| 00:32:57 |
Max is halfway to Moscow. Don't tell me |
| 00:33:01 |
They talk fast, it's hard. |
| 00:33:04 |
BRUCE: It takes like eight of these morons |
| 00:33:07 |
I can't wait till we finish |
| 00:33:09 |
All these stupid agents will be obsolete. |
| 00:33:11 |
- Bye-bye. |
| 00:33:13 |
Hybrid Mechanical Intelligence Entity. |
| 00:33:16 |
It's a stolen KAOS technology. |
| 00:33:18 |
Being reprogrammed. Top-secret. |
| 00:33:21 |
And you don't need. |
| 00:33:23 |
I'm a trained killer. |
| 00:33:26 |
You wanna die by Post-its? |
| 00:33:29 |
And that's a slow death. |
| 00:33:33 |
AGENT 23: Larabee. |
| 00:33:34 |
- Were you the last one to use the copier? |
| 00:33:36 |
You left it jammed. |
| 00:33:37 |
So? Why don't you... |
| 00:33:40 |
...unjam it? |
| 00:33:42 |
- Just open the door, read the instructions. |
| 00:33:45 |
- Yeah, want me to show you how to use it? |
| 00:33:49 |
Unjam that. |
| 00:33:50 |
- 23. |
| 00:33:52 |
- Can I have a moment, please? |
| 00:33:55 |
Yes, Chief. |
| 00:33:56 |
Let me tell you about a pattern |
| 00:33:59 |
As a former field agent, |
| 00:34:02 |
...of how difficult it is |
| 00:34:05 |
He didn't unjam the copier. |
| 00:34:07 |
We have rules here. If you don't |
| 00:34:10 |
I'll tell you what we're not. We're not |
| 00:34:15 |
That's CIA crap. |
| 00:34:16 |
All right, look, Chief, I'm your best guy. |
| 00:34:19 |
I don't belong in an office making copies. |
| 00:34:22 |
Look, 23, no more stapling today. |
| 00:34:25 |
[LARABEE GRO ANING] |
| 00:34:26 |
Just hold on. |
| 00:34:34 |
So how do you know this place? |
| 00:34:36 |
Well, as an analyst, |
| 00:34:39 |
It's amazing what you learn... |
| 00:34:40 |
...listening to chatter. |
| 00:34:44 |
As do many KAOS agents. |
| 00:34:49 |
It doesn't get any better than "thinsk." |
| 00:34:53 |
You see what I just did? |
| 00:34:55 |
I added an "insk" at the end, |
| 00:34:58 |
Should've smacked you harder. |
| 00:35:00 |
Is that your default setting? |
| 00:35:01 |
Do you just punch people |
| 00:35:04 |
"It's Tuesday, |
| 00:35:06 |
"A box of kittens, |
| 00:35:09 |
"I'm having bread, |
| 00:35:11 |
You know, I love bread... |
| 00:35:13 |
...and I know bread |
| 00:35:15 |
...I've never really been afraid of carbs... |
| 00:35:18 |
...because it seems like no matter |
| 00:35:31 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:35:37 |
I'm sorry, are you talking to me? |
| 00:35:40 |
No sprechen Sie Russian. |
| 00:35:43 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:35:46 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:35:51 |
[STOPS URINATING] |
| 00:35:52 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:35:56 |
[STOPS URINATING] |
| 00:35:59 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:36:02 |
[STOPS URINATING] |
| 00:36:04 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:36:11 |
[STOPS URINATING] |
| 00:36:12 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:36:17 |
[STOPS URINATING] |
| 00:36:18 |
[URINATING] |
| 00:36:24 |
[TOILET FLUSHES] |
| 00:36:25 |
MAX: Boy, you know what? I will tell you, |
| 00:36:29 |
No more Communism. |
| 00:36:32 |
I'm filling my suitcase with steroids |
| 00:36:36 |
Ran over an old woman yesterday. |
| 00:36:40 |
[WATCH BEEPING] |
| 00:36:43 |
Time to take my pill. |
| 00:36:52 |
There was a guy in the bathroom |
| 00:36:56 |
Okay... |
| 00:36:57 |
No, no, no. Radioactive hot. |
| 00:37:00 |
Although he did have a certain |
| 00:37:03 |
How did you know he was radioactive? |
| 00:37:06 |
My watch is a Geiger counter. |
| 00:37:09 |
Listen, I think he was part |
| 00:37:13 |
We should follow him. |
| 00:37:14 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:37:16 |
...you picked a good restaurant. |
| 00:37:56 |
MAX: |
| 00:37:58 |
Tripe soup. |
| 00:37:59 |
- This must be Ladislas Krstic's house. |
| 00:38:03 |
Tripe soup is his favorite dish. |
| 00:38:06 |
Let's just see what we're |
| 00:38:10 |
[WRAPPER CRINKLING] |
| 00:38:17 |
I didn't get to eat at the restaurant. |
| 00:38:19 |
And if you skip a meal, |
| 00:38:23 |
- Well, let me. I've got nails. |
| 00:38:25 |
[SPLASHES] |
| 00:38:27 |
You owe me $3. |
| 00:38:30 |
AGENT 99: More guards. |
| 00:38:39 |
Miniature blowgun. |
| 00:38:40 |
You don't have one of these? |
| 00:38:42 |
These darts are tipped with a tranquilizer |
| 00:38:47 |
...known as los zapatos de la muerte. |
| 00:38:49 |
"The shoes of death." |
| 00:38:51 |
Excuse me. |
| 00:38:53 |
They're 40 yards out, |
| 00:38:56 |
I'm going to have to give this one |
| 00:39:00 |
[BREATHING DEEPLY] |
| 00:39:02 |
[CHOKES] |
| 00:39:04 |
[THUDS] |
| 00:39:15 |
Wow. |
| 00:39:17 |
You look spectacular. |
| 00:39:19 |
Thanks. |
| 00:39:20 |
You don't look too bad yourself. |
| 00:39:23 |
Is that a wig? |
| 00:39:25 |
Yeah, it came with the dress. |
| 00:39:27 |
- How did I get into these clothes? |
| 00:39:34 |
Am I wearing boxers? |
| 00:39:39 |
For future reference, |
| 00:39:42 |
...for their security and peace of mind. |
| 00:39:45 |
Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. |
| 00:39:47 |
I don't like it. |
| 00:40:01 |
[BAND PLAYING WALTZ] |
| 00:40:05 |
There must be 200 people here. |
| 00:40:07 |
Finding Krstic will be like |
| 00:40:11 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:40:17 |
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:40:19 |
I'd love to dance. |
| 00:40:21 |
English? But you understand Russian? |
| 00:40:25 |
Shall we? |
| 00:40:28 |
I hope your date doesn't mind. |
| 00:40:29 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:40:32 |
He's just a local horse groomer |
| 00:40:35 |
It's a tragic story. He's quite deaf. |
| 00:40:40 |
I am going to dance now. |
| 00:40:44 |
You go get yourself some punch. |
| 00:40:49 |
Okay. |
| 00:40:52 |
I don't even know |
| 00:41:03 |
Chief, I need your help. |
| 00:41:05 |
You're on. Go ahead. |
| 00:41:06 |
MAX: |
| 00:41:07 |
I searched his house. |
| 00:41:10 |
Get me an infrared satellite scan. |
| 00:41:10 |
Get me an infrared satellite scan. |
| 00:41:12 |
I have to get back to 99, |
| 00:41:18 |
Your house is so beautiful. |
| 00:41:20 |
It must be difficult to go to work. |
| 00:41:24 |
I don't have to go very far. |
| 00:41:58 |
[CLEARS THRO AT] |
| 00:42:00 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:42:02 |
I don't think so. |
| 00:42:04 |
I wasn't talking to you. |
| 00:42:10 |
Me? |
| 00:42:11 |
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:42:13 |
I don't know. |
| 00:42:14 |
It'll be fun. |
| 00:42:16 |
Trust me. |
| 00:42:26 |
[WOMEN LAUGHING] |
| 00:43:09 |
You are so light on your feet. |
| 00:43:11 |
I recently lost 150 pounds. |
| 00:43:13 |
So did I. |
| 00:43:15 |
Isn't it great? |
| 00:43:17 |
Me too. |
| 00:44:25 |
- Thanks for jumping. |
| 00:44:51 |
Thank you for the lovely dance. |
| 00:45:15 |
Did you see anything |
| 00:45:17 |
Just once, but I don't think you expected |
| 00:45:22 |
Anyway, I found out that the office |
| 00:45:25 |
Really? How'd you do that? |
| 00:45:27 |
Show him a little decolletage, |
| 00:45:30 |
I'm not judging, just detecting a pattern. |
| 00:45:32 |
- Ready to work? |
| 00:45:34 |
- Oh, my God. |
| 00:45:36 |
[GRUNTING] |
| 00:45:45 |
Six guards. |
| 00:45:47 |
Stand by, Max. Larabee, let's go. Move it. |
| 00:45:50 |
- What'd you do? |
| 00:45:52 |
It was here a second ago, |
| 00:45:54 |
- What did you hit? |
| 00:45:57 |
If you don't find that screen... |
| 00:45:59 |
...I'm gonna have you hunting |
| 00:46:05 |
AGENT 23: |
| 00:46:07 |
What kind of entrance? |
| 00:46:08 |
The kind where you'll wanna |
| 00:46:12 |
MAX: Oh, great, rats. |
| 00:46:16 |
You know what, I never saw James Bond |
| 00:46:22 |
Look, a rat riding on a piece of poop. |
| 00:46:25 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:46:32 |
Here it is. |
| 00:46:45 |
Exploding dental floss. |
| 00:46:58 |
Three, two... |
| 00:47:00 |
...one. |
| 00:47:24 |
Right. |
| 00:47:32 |
Come on. |
| 00:47:50 |
Are you staring at my butt? |
| 00:47:52 |
No, I am not. |
| 00:47:54 |
I might have been before, but I am... |
| 00:47:57 |
Now I am again. All right, I'm stopping. |
| 00:48:00 |
Pay attention to what I'm doing, |
| 00:48:03 |
Yep. |
| 00:48:25 |
Okay, Max. Little heads-up. |
| 00:48:27 |
High-intensity lasers. Whatever |
| 00:48:31 |
One more reason |
| 00:48:46 |
All right, so do I have to do it |
| 00:48:49 |
Just come on. |
| 00:49:04 |
That's impressive. Wow. |
| 00:49:08 |
Careful, this one's tricky. |
| 00:49:10 |
Good. |
| 00:49:12 |
Very good. |
| 00:49:15 |
Okay, it's not that good. |
| 00:49:22 |
[GASPS] |
| 00:49:36 |
Max. Max. |
| 00:49:37 |
Stay calm. |
| 00:49:40 |
Max, keep it together. Keep it together. |
| 00:49:44 |
Max. Max. |
| 00:49:47 |
Careful! No, no. |
| 00:49:49 |
He's nibbling. That's not cheese! |
| 00:49:51 |
[MAX GRO ANING] |
| 00:49:53 |
Max, be quiet! |
| 00:50:02 |
Okay, shall we? |
| 00:50:38 |
[BEADS RATTLING] |
| 00:50:43 |
Did I hear something? |
| 00:50:44 |
Yes, there were some |
| 00:50:50 |
Damn it. I can't get into their system. |
| 00:50:53 |
If you don't mind, 99... |
| 00:51:00 |
The old "steam sticks to everything |
| 00:51:05 |
Here we go. |
| 00:51:06 |
- Shipments of explosives. |
| 00:51:09 |
- And a really good kisser. |
| 00:51:16 |
Look at that shipment of detonators. |
| 00:51:18 |
Well, he is a bomb-maker. |
| 00:51:20 |
No. What is odd is that it was shipped |
| 00:51:24 |
These detonators can also be used |
| 00:51:27 |
I think this is our connection to KAOS. |
| 00:51:29 |
[CREAKS] |
| 00:51:42 |
I set that up. |
| 00:51:54 |
Let her go. |
| 00:51:56 |
No. |
| 00:51:57 |
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:52:01 |
I'm not totally incompetent |
| 00:52:29 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:52:31 |
KRSTIC: |
| 00:52:35 |
I'm about to shoot beautiful woman |
| 00:52:39 |
And yet... |
| 00:52:41 |
...I will sleep like baby. |
| 00:52:49 |
- Not bad for a rookie. |
| 00:52:56 |
[PLAYING BEETHO VEN'S |
| 00:53:01 |
[PHONE RINGS] |
| 00:53:02 |
SIEGFRIED: |
| 00:53:04 |
MAN [O VER PHONE]: |
| 00:53:06 |
Krstic was a fool. |
| 00:53:08 |
- And they got lucky. |
| 00:53:09 |
- And they got lucky. |
| 00:53:09 |
- And they got lucky. |
| 00:53:10 |
That's no one, sir. |
| 00:53:12 |
They're heading towards you. |
| 00:53:15 |
Don't worry, sir. They won't get pa... |
| 00:53:16 |
[DIAL TONE HUMS] |
| 00:53:18 |
Why does he do that? |
| 00:53:19 |
Don't look at me. I'm no one. |
| 00:53:21 |
And don't you forget it. |
| 00:53:23 |
Everyone here can be replaced. |
| 00:53:25 |
I even have backup for you. |
| 00:53:27 |
It's called a rhinoceros. |
| 00:53:55 |
I think it's time to find new wheels. |
| 00:54:04 |
I feel good about the mission so far, |
| 00:54:06 |
So far, sure. |
| 00:54:08 |
I think we work very well together. |
| 00:54:10 |
Like at the mansion. |
| 00:54:11 |
The way I held that guy's hair |
| 00:54:16 |
That was nice. |
| 00:54:18 |
Nice? |
| 00:54:20 |
Yeah, well, good teamwork. |
| 00:54:21 |
What are you doing? |
| 00:54:23 |
I'm just saying that I think |
| 00:54:26 |
I think that you are confusing adrenaline |
| 00:54:29 |
...some other kind of hormone. |
| 00:54:31 |
- No. That's not... |
| 00:54:35 |
Let me give you a lesson |
| 00:54:38 |
You can't trust anyone out here, |
| 00:54:40 |
I mean, you know, |
| 00:54:43 |
The break-in at CONTROL |
| 00:54:46 |
It happened just as I got back. |
| 00:54:50 |
- What are we talking about here? |
| 00:54:52 |
Which one's gonna attract |
| 00:54:56 |
All right, well, we have |
| 00:54:59 |
...we have that tractor, that cart... |
| 00:55:04 |
...and... That'll work. |
| 00:55:07 |
- No. |
| 00:55:10 |
No. |
| 00:55:12 |
Yes. |
| 00:55:16 |
- Oh, yeah, we are really under the radar. |
| 00:55:20 |
Since the fall of Communism, |
| 00:55:26 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 00:55:28 |
[SHUTTER CLICKS] |
| 00:55:50 |
AGENT 99: |
| 00:55:52 |
I don't have to remind you, |
| 00:55:55 |
There's no party, there's no dancing. |
| 00:55:59 |
Do you understand? Okay. |
| 00:56:01 |
Did they explain to you |
| 00:56:03 |
No, but the technology for holding |
| 00:56:07 |
- Max. |
| 00:56:09 |
This one has a compartment. |
| 00:56:12 |
If captured, it would cause death |
| 00:56:15 |
Great. |
| 00:56:17 |
But how exactly do I get them to take it? |
| 00:56:22 |
- Not much of a laugher, are you? |
| 00:56:26 |
- On what? |
| 00:56:28 |
It's a tooth radio. It sends sound |
| 00:56:31 |
I can't hear anything outside your mouth, |
| 00:56:35 |
Is it working? |
| 00:56:36 |
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS] |
| 00:56:40 |
- [WHISPERS] Is it working? |
| 00:56:42 |
Good. |
| 00:56:43 |
Okay. |
| 00:56:44 |
Well, you know what to do. |
| 00:56:47 |
You too. |
| 00:57:12 |
[BELL RINGS] |
| 00:57:17 |
Free rugelach? |
| 00:57:19 |
No, thank you. |
| 00:57:22 |
Bread? |
| 00:57:24 |
- Something hot. |
| 00:57:28 |
Even hotter. Much, much hotter. |
| 00:57:31 |
I already have boyfriend. |
| 00:57:34 |
- All right... |
| 00:57:36 |
No, that's okay. |
| 00:57:38 |
Sure? Flour sacks in back, |
| 00:57:41 |
I don't think we are on the same page. |
| 00:57:45 |
I'm here because Ladislas Krstic sent me. |
| 00:57:49 |
Ah. Take number. |
| 00:57:53 |
But I'm the only one here. |
| 00:58:00 |
Oh. |
| 00:58:31 |
Who are you? |
| 00:58:32 |
My name is Nudnik Shpilkes. |
| 00:58:35 |
- I am Siegfried. |
| 00:58:38 |
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS] |
| 00:58:39 |
Max! |
| 00:58:40 |
Yes. |
| 00:58:42 |
I understand that you're |
| 00:58:44 |
...if someone is interested in acquiring |
| 00:58:47 |
- How do I know you're not CONTROL? |
| 00:58:51 |
If you were CONTROL, you'd be dead. |
| 00:58:53 |
Well, neither of us is dead, |
| 00:59:01 |
That actually makes sense. |
| 00:59:04 |
Follow me, Mr. Shpilkes. |
| 00:59:13 |
Test. Test. |
| 00:59:18 |
MAX: Ah. The "Ode to Joy" |
| 00:59:21 |
Stone deaf when he wrote it. |
| 00:59:26 |
Yes, a personal favorite. |
| 00:59:32 |
You're doing great, Max. |
| 00:59:34 |
What I'm about to show you is |
| 00:59:38 |
[LOUDLY] The inner sanctum |
| 00:59:40 |
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS] |
| 00:59:44 |
Yes. |
| 00:59:54 |
This is it? |
| 00:59:56 |
Of course not. I lied. |
| 00:59:57 |
He does that. |
| 00:59:59 |
I'm going to kill you, |
| 01:00:02 |
I don't know who you're talking about. |
| 01:00:09 |
MAX: |
| 01:00:13 |
I think it's only fair to warn you, |
| 01:00:16 |
...by a highly trained team |
| 01:00:19 |
- I don't believe you. |
| 01:00:21 |
...two dozen Delta Force commandos? |
| 01:00:23 |
- No. |
| 01:00:27 |
Goodbye, Mr. Smart. |
| 01:00:29 |
[DOOR SLAMS] |
| 01:00:31 |
Well, Mr. Shtarker, |
| 01:00:35 |
...and the element of surpr...! |
| 01:00:47 |
99, we've been compromised. Get out. |
| 01:01:09 |
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: |
| 01:01:13 |
[GRUNTING] |
| 01:01:23 |
[MAX GRUNTING] |
| 01:01:34 |
[GRUNTING] |
| 01:01:41 |
Access denied. Access denied. |
| 01:01:44 |
Access denied. |
| 01:01:59 |
AGENT 99: |
| 01:02:00 |
99, I found the yellowcake. |
| 01:02:03 |
Of course you did, it's a bakery. |
| 01:02:04 |
No, not yellow "cake" cake, |
| 01:02:07 |
Although there is yellow "cake" cake |
| 01:02:13 |
Oh, Max. |
| 01:02:42 |
Max, do you read...? |
| 01:02:43 |
99! |
| 01:02:45 |
What happened to your radio? |
| 01:02:47 |
I swallowed it. I can get it back, |
| 01:02:50 |
- Good Lord. |
| 01:02:52 |
...I've placed charges |
| 01:02:52 |
...I've placed charges |
| 01:02:55 |
What? Max, you can't blow up a building |
| 01:02:59 |
I know that, 99. I've placed only enough |
| 01:03:04 |
Max, that's brilliant. |
| 01:03:05 |
Wow. That's maybe the nicest thing |
| 01:03:09 |
[GUNFIRE] |
| 01:03:14 |
[BEEPING] |
| 01:03:31 |
[GRO ANING] |
| 01:03:37 |
- I don't get it, I thought he was dead! |
| 01:03:58 |
This is just ridiculous! |
| 01:04:06 |
99! |
| 01:04:07 |
Wake up, 99. |
| 01:04:09 |
Maybe you should kiss him again. |
| 01:04:12 |
[IN PUNJABl] |
| 01:04:14 |
Wait, I know that voice. |
| 01:04:17 |
[IN PUNJABl] |
| 01:04:21 |
[YELLS] |
| 01:04:25 |
Ow! That was me! |
| 01:04:30 |
- Max? |
| 01:04:51 |
Now, Dalip, I can prove that I know you. |
| 01:04:56 |
Like me, you enjoy |
| 01:05:12 |
[GRO ANS] |
| 01:05:14 |
Ow. |
| 01:05:15 |
Ow. |
| 01:05:15 |
Ow. |
| 01:05:25 |
Wait, wait, Dalip, |
| 01:05:28 |
Max. Max. |
| 01:05:30 |
Your marriage is in trouble. |
| 01:05:34 |
But there is still hope. |
| 01:05:37 |
Do you love her? |
| 01:05:43 |
- Wha...? |
| 01:05:47 |
Take her with you the next time |
| 01:05:50 |
She just wants to be with you... |
| 01:05:52 |
...and that means |
| 01:05:54 |
...who we both know is undermining |
| 01:05:58 |
Kick the gun to me. |
| 01:06:01 |
99, please. |
| 01:06:03 |
Big people feel pain too. |
| 01:06:17 |
What are you doing? |
| 01:06:19 |
Oh, no. Oh, no. |
| 01:06:21 |
Max! |
| 01:06:25 |
Okay. Okay. That's all right. That's okay. |
| 01:06:30 |
[DALIP SOBBING] |
| 01:06:32 |
Her sister's such a bitch. |
| 01:06:43 |
- You all right? |
| 01:06:46 |
Thank you. |
| 01:06:50 |
We gotta go. |
| 01:07:00 |
99. |
| 01:07:08 |
- What was that? |
| 01:07:13 |
Come on. Come here. |
| 01:07:15 |
Good idea. |
| 01:07:17 |
We will climb up with you, |
| 01:07:25 |
[IN RUSSIAN] |
| 01:07:30 |
MAX: |
| 01:07:32 |
What a douche. |
| 01:07:51 |
Missed it by that much. |
| 01:07:58 |
Well, that's convenient. Shoot them. |
| 01:08:10 |
Whatever you do, 99, don't look down! |
| 01:08:12 |
I'm gonna try to get us over to that ledge! |
| 01:08:17 |
Max. |
| 01:08:19 |
Right. |
| 01:08:25 |
AGENT 99: |
| 01:08:26 |
Okay, no problem. |
| 01:08:28 |
The Chief is thrilled. |
| 01:08:31 |
Great. |
| 01:08:33 |
Listen, is it possible that you could |
| 01:08:38 |
It's possible. |
| 01:08:40 |
Why did you change your looks? |
| 01:08:44 |
Oh. Um... |
| 01:08:48 |
Things from my non-work sphere |
| 01:08:51 |
Facts became known, identities were |
| 01:08:55 |
Wow. That is a great story... |
| 01:08:59 |
...in which you revealed |
| 01:09:07 |
I blew a mission. |
| 01:09:11 |
I was involved with someone from work. |
| 01:09:16 |
I broke it off with that person, |
| 01:09:20 |
So I had two choices. |
| 01:09:22 |
I could either spend the rest of my life |
| 01:09:26 |
...which would be like |
| 01:09:28 |
...of scraping a cheese grater |
| 01:09:31 |
- Oh, you know. |
| 01:09:33 |
Or I could change my face, |
| 01:09:38 |
And it was painful, |
| 01:09:47 |
- I don't wanna talk about this anymore. |
| 01:09:54 |
I used to look like my mom. |
| 01:10:02 |
I used to look like |
| 01:10:43 |
Sir, if I may ask... |
| 01:10:46 |
...how did you choose the target? |
| 01:10:48 |
- Why Los Angeles? |
| 01:10:51 |
...Iots of media attention... |
| 01:10:53 |
...and the president will be there. |
| 01:10:55 |
Still, it's too bad |
| 01:10:59 |
Yes. |
| 01:11:00 |
What will we do without |
| 01:11:09 |
Oh, my God, have you eaten the crew? |
| 01:11:13 |
Oh, look, it understands. |
| 01:11:15 |
Get back to work. |
| 01:11:33 |
AGENT 99: No, that's not possible. |
| 01:11:40 |
No. |
| 01:11:45 |
That doesn't make any sense. |
| 01:11:48 |
Yellowcake uranium, warheads, |
| 01:11:52 |
There's nothing here |
| 01:11:55 |
There are no weapons? |
| 01:11:57 |
Nothing. I've swept the entire area, |
| 01:12:00 |
- But Max said that he s... |
| 01:12:04 |
No. |
| 01:12:06 |
No, every time he found something, |
| 01:12:15 |
What do you want me to do with Max? |
| 01:12:17 |
- Do with Max? |
| 01:12:21 |
You were right when you said |
| 01:12:25 |
Give me the phone. |
| 01:12:31 |
And who might this be? Siegfried? |
| 01:12:33 |
Hello, Max. |
| 01:12:35 |
Chief? |
| 01:12:38 |
Knockout gas, 99? |
| 01:12:40 |
Please. I have trained my body |
| 01:12:44 |
That's new stuff. |
| 01:12:48 |
Oh, Max. |
| 01:12:57 |
CHIEF: |
| 01:12:59 |
I thought you and I were supposedly |
| 01:13:02 |
How can you think |
| 01:13:05 |
You lied about finding evidence |
| 01:13:07 |
Killed Krstic before |
| 01:13:10 |
There's a matter of your |
| 01:13:13 |
I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me, |
| 01:13:17 |
I said I was sorry. You just didn't hear me, |
| 01:13:17 |
You've made CONTROL a laughingstock. |
| 01:13:19 |
The vice president wants to shut us down, |
| 01:13:25 |
99. |
| 01:13:27 |
This whole week... |
| 01:13:29 |
...last night... |
| 01:13:31 |
...you know me. |
| 01:13:32 |
Apparently not. |
| 01:13:35 |
Oh, my God! |
| 01:13:36 |
You two? You and Max? |
| 01:13:38 |
You said we had to break up |
| 01:13:41 |
Oh, my God! You and 23? |
| 01:13:43 |
I am so sexually threatened right now. |
| 01:13:49 |
[LINE RINGING] |
| 01:13:51 |
MAN [ON RECORDING]: |
| 01:13:53 |
... the United States |
| 01:13:55 |
For threats against |
| 01:13:57 |
For threats against Hawaii, press 2. |
| 01:14:00 |
[SHTARKER BREATHING NOISILY] |
| 01:14:02 |
You know, you're the only human being |
| 01:14:05 |
If you're calling from a rotary... |
| 01:14:07 |
Okay, today's threat assessment. |
| 01:14:10 |
- There are 72 threats on the list. Mike? |
| 01:14:15 |
Okay, we have a deteriorating situation |
| 01:14:18 |
We have a deteriorating situation |
| 01:14:21 |
What about the deteriorating situation |
| 01:14:24 |
- I was getting to that. |
| 01:14:26 |
Yes, next Tuesday, |
| 01:14:28 |
Gentlemen, when we argue, |
| 01:14:36 |
Anyway, last night at a private dinner... |
| 01:14:39 |
...President Kim Jong-il |
| 01:14:43 |
"Make a pudding from the bones |
| 01:14:45 |
That guy's insane. |
| 01:14:47 |
Doesn't he know bones are crunchy? |
| 01:14:52 |
[PHONE RINGS] |
| 01:14:53 |
War room. |
| 01:14:55 |
Finally. My name is Siegfried, |
| 01:14:59 |
Over the past few months, we have |
| 01:15:03 |
... which we have distributed |
| 01:15:09 |
For the moment, KAOS retains |
| 01:15:12 |
...but we will release the codes |
| 01:15:16 |
What are your demands? |
| 01:15:18 |
200 billion dollars by 3 p.m. |
| 01:15:20 |
200 billion dollars by 3 p. M? |
| 01:15:23 |
You seem a bit slow. |
| 01:15:24 |
- Is there someone else I can talk to? |
| 01:15:28 |
Look, Siegfried, |
| 01:15:31 |
...and you're obviously bluffing. |
| 01:15:33 |
CHIEF: |
| 01:15:35 |
You spent the morning talking about |
| 01:15:39 |
Credible? Come on. |
| 01:15:42 |
CHIEF: With all due respect, |
| 01:15:44 |
CONTROL has to be in charge here. |
| 01:15:47 |
- Like when you bombed that bakery? |
| 01:15:50 |
[MEN LAUGHING] |
| 01:15:52 |
That's it! |
| 01:15:54 |
- Here we go. |
| 01:15:57 |
- Okay! |
| 01:16:03 |
It seems like they don't believe you. |
| 01:16:06 |
Which is why we've arranged |
| 01:16:58 |
Chief, you wanted to see me? |
| 01:17:00 |
Yes. You and 23 are coming with me |
| 01:17:04 |
- Can't you call him? |
| 01:17:07 |
I can't believe we have to go |
| 01:17:10 |
Why is the president never here? |
| 01:17:12 |
I'm sure whatever he's doing |
| 01:17:15 |
"Good night, moon. |
| 01:17:18 |
Good night, |
| 01:17:22 |
Actually, I think you would suck |
| 01:17:25 |
Well, from wh... |
| 01:17:28 |
Hey, Smart. Happy birthday. |
| 01:17:38 |
I'm fat! |
| 01:17:47 |
[BEEPING] |
| 01:17:50 |
Gentlemen. |
| 01:17:54 |
Oh. Good, the itchy kind. |
| 01:17:57 |
My favorite. |
| 01:17:58 |
Does this one also have smallpox? |
| 01:18:02 |
[CLINKING] |
| 01:18:03 |
And that was a human tooth. |
| 01:18:05 |
MAN 1 [O VER RADIO]: American Top 40. |
| 01:18:09 |
MAN 2: Here's a sweet dedication |
| 01:18:12 |
It's to her boyfriend, Max. |
| 01:18:14 |
"Meet me in L.A. |
| 01:18:19 |
I don't know, if I were Max, |
| 01:18:22 |
[MADONNA'S "4 MINUTES" |
| 01:18:32 |
Hey! Dumb guards! |
| 01:18:34 |
Why don't you come in here so I can |
| 01:18:39 |
You'll have to shower for weeks! |
| 01:18:40 |
[BEEPING] |
| 01:18:42 |
But you will never get the smell off... |
| 01:18:44 |
You two seem very angry. |
| 01:18:48 |
Thank you, sir, may I have another? |
| 01:18:53 |
I was kidding. |
| 01:19:02 |
9-4-3-6-8. |
| 01:19:08 |
[BEEPING] |
| 01:19:10 |
9-4-3-6-8. |
| 01:19:13 |
[DOOR CLICKS] |
| 01:19:30 |
BRUCE: |
| 01:19:34 |
Guys, you have to believe me. |
| 01:19:37 |
- We never thought you were. |
| 01:19:40 |
Then what's with the firearm |
| 01:19:43 |
For the security cameras. |
| 01:19:44 |
If it looks like we let you go, |
| 01:19:48 |
Got it. |
| 01:19:51 |
So where are the Chief and 99? |
| 01:19:53 |
They flew to L.A. |
| 01:19:55 |
I need to get out of here |
| 01:19:58 |
- Overpower us. |
| 01:19:59 |
Bruce, I will smash you in the face. |
| 01:20:01 |
- Thank you. |
| 01:20:04 |
Ready? One... |
| 01:20:06 |
Not yet! I haven't punched yet. |
| 01:20:08 |
- Oh, yeah. |
| 01:20:10 |
...two, three. |
| 01:20:13 |
- Wrong way. |
| 01:20:15 |
- Sometimes I faint. |
| 01:20:18 |
No, but when I see blood, or when |
| 01:20:21 |
There will be no blood. |
| 01:20:55 |
[ENGINE SPUTTERING] |
| 01:21:11 |
What are you doing, dummkopf? |
| 01:21:13 |
Running out in the middle of the road! |
| 01:21:17 |
Well, that was ironic. |
| 01:21:34 |
PRESIDENT: |
| 01:21:36 |
With all our satellites, |
| 01:21:39 |
...have nuclear bombs |
| 01:21:41 |
"Nuclear!" |
| 01:21:43 |
- What's that? |
| 01:21:45 |
AGENT 99: Mr. President, if I could just |
| 01:21:49 |
Well, just back up here a second. |
| 01:21:50 |
First thing I'd like to know is... |
| 01:21:52 |
...what did the vice president |
| 01:21:55 |
I'm afraid the vice president and I had |
| 01:21:59 |
- Less-than-cordial, you say? |
| 01:22:01 |
I'll say. |
| 01:22:03 |
The chairman of joint chiefs |
| 01:22:06 |
Put it right here on my cell phone. |
| 01:22:08 |
Let me share this with you. |
| 01:22:10 |
VICE PRESIDENT [ON VIDEO]: |
| 01:22:12 |
[GRO ANING & CLATTERING |
| 01:22:14 |
Oh, Chief. |
| 01:22:16 |
Very sweet tackle. |
| 01:22:17 |
Look. Look at the surprise on his face. |
| 01:22:20 |
I probably owe you an apology |
| 01:22:22 |
No. Please, just save your breath. |
| 01:22:24 |
But I have to agree |
| 01:22:26 |
We cannot respond to every threat. |
| 01:22:30 |
Case closed. |
| 01:22:52 |
[PHONE RINGS] |
| 01:22:55 |
Max? |
| 01:22:56 |
MAX [O VER PHONE]: |
| 01:22:58 |
Trace 99's call, now! |
| 01:23:00 |
- Where are you? |
| 01:23:02 |
What is important is that KAOS has planted |
| 01:23:06 |
We got him. He's still in Washington. |
| 01:23:08 |
Listen, while I was in my cell, |
| 01:23:13 |
I realized that even though I was accused |
| 01:23:19 |
Because at least for a little while, |
| 01:23:25 |
And I got to be with you. |
| 01:23:26 |
I learned that you have |
| 01:23:29 |
... you are almost as good |
| 01:23:33 |
- ... and you used to look like your mom. |
| 01:23:36 |
Please, 99. All I'm asking is for you |
| 01:23:40 |
... and tell me that |
| 01:23:43 |
MAN: |
| 01:23:44 |
Oh, Max. How could I look in your eyes? |
| 01:23:50 |
Just turn around. |
| 01:23:58 |
Why are you talking into your shoe? |
| 01:24:00 |
The old "call forwarding |
| 01:24:04 |
...so you don't know where I am, |
| 01:24:08 |
...and surprise everyone" trick. |
| 01:24:10 |
- Don't move. |
| 01:24:12 |
How did you get here? |
| 01:24:14 |
[VOMITING] |
| 01:24:16 |
Do you have another one of these? |
| 01:24:22 |
It doesn't matter. |
| 01:24:23 |
What matters is that there is a bomb, |
| 01:24:26 |
- How do you know this? |
| 01:24:29 |
CHIEF: |
| 01:24:31 |
If you have credible information |
| 01:24:34 |
...I wanna know it, |
| 01:24:37 |
I heard it from America's sweetheart, |
| 01:24:40 |
- Whoa. |
| 01:24:42 |
It was a coded message. |
| 01:24:44 |
CHIEF: Max, we're running out of time here. |
| 01:24:47 |
I received a tip from a KAOS agent |
| 01:24:56 |
I think we should trust him, Chief. |
| 01:24:58 |
AGENT 23: Absolutely, Chief. |
| 01:25:01 |
Every time I look at Max's puppy eyes, |
| 01:25:04 |
Oh, my God. You've really never |
| 01:25:09 |
Chief, you said that you and I are alike. |
| 01:25:12 |
That we are both old-fashioned men. |
| 01:25:15 |
Well, I have an old-fashioned hunch. |
| 01:25:17 |
I have a hunch that you have a hunch |
| 01:25:23 |
Max... |
| 01:25:26 |
Any double agent who escapes |
| 01:25:29 |
...only to fall into the arms of |
| 01:25:33 |
...is either an idiot or not a double agent, |
| 01:25:37 |
Thank you, Chief. |
| 01:25:39 |
Now, we know that the president |
| 01:25:42 |
- But what exactly is he doing here today? |
| 01:25:46 |
- Yes. We need to find out his itinerary. |
| 01:25:51 |
I know, 99. I need to go get a paper. |
| 01:26:03 |
We're in position. More or less. |
| 01:26:05 |
Roger. I have the whole |
| 01:26:08 |
Yes, we know. |
| 01:26:12 |
I wanna quit, but what can I do? |
| 01:26:15 |
I wanna quit, but what can I do? |
| 01:26:16 |
By the way, I reviewed the security tapes |
| 01:26:21 |
...and I know that you let those |
| 01:26:25 |
So unless you do your job today... |
| 01:26:27 |
...your lovely wife, Zeenat, |
| 01:26:55 |
Blue team, check for access violation |
| 01:26:59 |
Copy that. |
| 01:27:01 |
Go. |
| 01:27:20 |
SHTARKER: |
| 01:27:54 |
Door secure. |
| 01:28:28 |
We need to get everyone out |
| 01:28:30 |
We've swept the building. |
| 01:28:32 |
The Secret Service doesn't make mistakes |
| 01:28:36 |
Who told you about that? Who told you? |
| 01:28:38 |
Take it easy. |
| 01:28:40 |
And this day will not include |
| 01:28:43 |
- You want a piece of me? |
| 01:28:46 |
- Hey. |
| 01:28:48 |
You better watch it. |
| 01:28:49 |
CHIEF: |
| 01:28:55 |
[CROWD APPLAUDING] |
| 01:28:55 |
[CROWD APPLAUDING] |
| 01:28:56 |
[CROWD APPLAUDING] |
| 01:29:00 |
MAN [O VER RADIO]: |
| 01:29:02 |
... we welcome you to a live broadcast... |
| 01:29:04 |
... we welcome you to a live broadcast... |
| 01:29:04 |
... of our concert for the president. |
| 01:29:07 |
Dignitaries from around the world |
| 01:29:09 |
We will be broadcasting from the Walt |
| 01:29:14 |
MAX: |
| 01:29:16 |
Why are we even still here? |
| 01:29:19 |
The Golden Gate Bridge, Space Needle. |
| 01:29:23 |
And you know what, |
| 01:29:26 |
Wait a minute, 23. |
| 01:29:30 |
When were you exposed to radioactivity? |
| 01:29:32 |
I just got back from Russia. |
| 01:29:35 |
The bakery. |
| 01:29:37 |
You said you swept the area |
| 01:29:39 |
- I did, and it was. |
| 01:29:42 |
Was there anyone else there, |
| 01:29:45 |
23. |
| 01:29:47 |
Your knife wound is seeping. |
| 01:29:50 |
Sudden rise in blood pressure? |
| 01:29:52 |
Perhaps you're nervous because |
| 01:29:55 |
And what is with the briefcase? |
| 01:29:59 |
You mean the computer |
| 01:30:02 |
Exactly. I have no interest in a real football |
| 01:30:06 |
...and I don't believe that's the case. |
| 01:30:10 |
Well, 23? |
| 01:30:12 |
You know what? We're out of time. |
| 01:30:16 |
You follow us, she dies. |
| 01:30:28 |
Stop this car! |
| 01:30:30 |
Max! You idiot! |
| 01:30:33 |
You don't just slap your hands |
| 01:30:38 |
All right, that's it! When we get back |
| 01:30:46 |
Damn it. How have you gotten |
| 01:30:49 |
I can't believe none of us saw it, |
| 01:30:52 |
Don't beat yourself up. |
| 01:30:57 |
Chief, he's heading |
| 01:30:59 |
Thanks, Bruce. Keep us posted. |
| 01:31:01 |
AGENT [O VER RADIO]: Hey! |
| 01:31:05 |
I know you're listening! You two dickwads |
| 01:31:11 |
What was that? |
| 01:31:12 |
Sorry, I'm losing you. |
| 01:31:15 |
What the? |
| 01:31:17 |
All right, fellas. |
| 01:31:22 |
MAX: Chief, I have to say, |
| 01:31:26 |
I cannot get over the fact |
| 01:31:29 |
Sand trap! |
| 01:31:30 |
Now I know how you felt |
| 01:31:33 |
Tractor! |
| 01:31:35 |
I don't know how I missed it. |
| 01:31:38 |
Swordfish! |
| 01:31:46 |
MAX: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? |
| 01:31:49 |
Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, |
| 01:31:53 |
If so, yes. |
| 01:31:55 |
Come on. |
| 01:32:19 |
On behalf of the United States Government, |
| 01:32:23 |
The device is armed. |
| 01:32:25 |
Don't worry, sir. I'll be well clear. |
| 01:32:32 |
BRUCE: Chief, they're headed |
| 01:32:35 |
Thanks, Bruce. I got them! |
| 01:32:37 |
I need to get down to that car! |
| 01:32:39 |
No, no good. If I get too low, |
| 01:32:46 |
I have another idea. |
| 01:32:49 |
What are you doing? |
| 01:32:53 |
Get back in the plane! |
| 01:32:57 |
Hang on! |
| 01:33:15 |
Hang on! We're going in! |
| 01:33:19 |
[MAX SCREAMING] |
| 01:33:22 |
Sorry, Max. |
| 01:33:28 |
Tuesday's not gonna work. |
| 01:33:31 |
- Mom! Mom! Mom! |
| 01:33:33 |
See how annoying that is? |
| 01:33:56 |
See, this is your problem. |
| 01:33:56 |
See, this is your problem. |
| 01:34:00 |
- I'm not feminine? |
| 01:34:01 |
I'm not feminine? |
| 01:34:13 |
Freeze! |
| 01:34:15 |
That was so cool. |
| 01:34:18 |
Max! |
| 01:34:28 |
Damn it to hell. |
| 01:34:39 |
You know, I might be more help |
| 01:34:41 |
There's a knife in my right front pocket! |
| 01:34:48 |
[MAX LAUGHING] |
| 01:34:50 |
Stop it! Stop it! |
| 01:34:52 |
What? |
| 01:34:54 |
That's not my knife! That's not my... |
| 01:34:57 |
I got it! |
| 01:35:05 |
No, 99, don't touch that! |
| 01:35:10 |
Oh, my Lord. |
| 01:35:33 |
Yeah! The kid's still got it. |
| 01:35:41 |
AGENT 99: |
| 01:35:44 |
MAX: |
| 01:35:52 |
Chief, we can't stop the car! We have |
| 01:35:56 |
We need to figure out something! |
| 01:35:58 |
These tracks are taking us back downtown, |
| 01:36:05 |
We gotta get you out of there, |
| 01:36:08 |
I'm coming to get you! |
| 01:36:30 |
[AGENT 99 SCREAMS] |
| 01:36:34 |
- Oh, God! |
| 01:36:38 |
It's not over, Max! |
| 01:36:41 |
If you want it, you'll have to take it! |
| 01:36:43 |
- That's what I just said! |
| 01:37:00 |
[GRO ANING] |
| 01:37:35 |
Unusual but effective. |
| 01:37:38 |
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] |
| 01:37:45 |
- You all right? |
| 01:37:53 |
Max! |
| 01:37:55 |
Max, your foot! |
| 01:38:02 |
- I wish we had more time! |
| 01:38:26 |
- Max! |
| 01:38:50 |
Oh, Max. |
| 01:38:54 |
[SQUEAKING] |
| 01:38:57 |
No. No! |
| 01:39:04 |
I wish we had more time too. |
| 01:39:10 |
MAX: |
| 01:39:14 |
Max? |
| 01:39:19 |
But the train... |
| 01:39:22 |
Missed it by that much. |
| 01:39:44 |
"Operation Joy"? |
| 01:39:47 |
The "Ode to Joy" will end with a bang. |
| 01:39:53 |
[PERFORMING BEETHO VEN'S |
| 01:39:56 |
- Chief! |
| 01:39:59 |
Listen, I think the final notes |
| 01:40:04 |
We have to stop the concert! |
| 01:40:06 |
I'm on it. |
| 01:40:30 |
[CLEARS THRO AT] |
| 01:40:43 |
My buttocks are really stinging |
| 01:40:56 |
Hey, grandpa, I already told you... |
| 01:40:59 |
Speak up, son. |
| 01:41:09 |
[CLATTERING] |
| 01:41:14 |
I like that tackling part. |
| 01:41:20 |
MAX: |
| 01:41:23 |
Wait! No, no, let him go. |
| 01:41:26 |
- There is a bomb. |
| 01:41:28 |
Would you believe in the piano? |
| 01:41:37 |
Whoa. How did we miss that? |
| 01:41:39 |
- Max. Was that...? |
| 01:41:53 |
That old son of a gun |
| 01:42:03 |
- Do you think I should tell him? |
| 01:42:16 |
He's a funny son of a bitch, isn't he? |
| 01:42:19 |
This is the proudest moment of my life! |
| 01:42:24 |
Bomb not go off. |
| 01:42:26 |
Oh, really, bright-eyes? |
| 01:42:29 |
Was it no "Boom, boom," or the lack |
| 01:42:32 |
It was the mushroom cloud for me. |
| 01:42:36 |
Well, you did your job, |
| 01:42:41 |
Although to be honest, |
| 01:42:48 |
[SCREAMS] |
| 01:42:53 |
What good hang time, huh? |
| 01:42:56 |
Yes, Mr. President. |
| 01:42:59 |
86, the President wanted me |
| 01:43:03 |
...and to tell you how impressed he was |
| 01:43:07 |
Well, sir, as an agent, I have trained |
| 01:43:11 |
[DOG BARKING] |
| 01:43:12 |
Ah! Hey, it's Fang. |
| 01:43:15 |
I wanted him to be a surprise. |
| 01:43:18 |
99, please, nobody here |
| 01:43:21 |
CHIEF: |
| 01:43:24 |
On the cheek. |
| 01:43:26 |
- Let's go. |
| 01:43:29 |
Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. |
| 01:43:33 |
We have a tradition called "pick on |
| 01:43:36 |
- We pick on the new guy. |
| 01:43:40 |
Let's try one. |
| 01:43:42 |
- You dropped your pencil. |
| 01:43:45 |
I don't see a man, I see two little girls. |
| 01:43:49 |
I think I'll call you Maureen, |
| 01:43:53 |
- New guy did not. |
| 01:43:56 |
AGENT 91: Okay, new guy... |
| 01:43:59 |
And I'm going to enjoy it. |
| 01:44:01 |
That will make me happy, Maureen. |
| 01:44:03 |
Maureen. |
| 01:44:04 |
[DINGS] |
| 01:44:05 |
Ow! What's in there? |
| 01:44:07 |
- And just for the record. |
| 01:44:09 |
[LARABEE SCREAMS] |
| 01:44:11 |
My name is not "new guy." |
| 01:44:13 |
My name is Hymie. |
| 01:44:15 |
Now, if you ladies will excuse me. |
| 01:44:20 |
This is gonna be so fun. |
| 01:44:22 |
Make him high-five me. |
| 01:44:58 |
Max, we're gonna be late. |
| 01:45:03 |
Oh, Max. Let Maintenance |
| 01:45:10 |
Ah! |
| 01:45:11 |
You've gotta be kidding me! |
