Hangover The

en
00:00:38 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
00:00:47 DOUG [ON RECORDING]: You've reached
00:00:50 Please leave a name and number
00:00:52 [PHONE LINE BEEPS]
00:00:54 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
00:00:58 STU [ON RECORDING]: Hi, you've reached
00:01:02 Please leave a message after...
00:01:05 [PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
00:01:11 PHIL [ON RECORDING]:
00:01:13 Leave me a message or don't.
00:01:17 - Anything?
00:01:19 It keeps going straight to voicemail.
00:01:21 Well, there has to be an explanation.
00:01:23 Sweetie, it's Vegas.
00:01:26 There's no windows, there's no clocks.
00:01:30 And you never walk away from the table
00:01:34 You do if you're getting married.
00:01:36 [CELL PHONE RINGS]
00:01:38 - Hello?
00:01:41 Phil, where the hell are you guys?
00:01:43 [OVER PHONE]
00:01:45 Yeah, listen.
00:01:47 Uh...
00:01:51 We fucked up.
00:01:52 - What are you talking about?
00:01:57 Things got out of control, uh...
00:02:02 ...and we lost Doug.
00:02:04 - What?
00:02:06 What are you saying, Phil?
00:02:10 Yeah.
00:02:13 That's not gonna happen.
00:03:45 MAN:
00:03:47 Thank you.
00:03:49 Okey-dokey.
00:03:54 - Whoa, watch it, pervert!
00:03:57 - He's getting very close to my shaft.
00:04:03 Right. Thanks, Floyd.
00:04:07 All right, buddy,
00:04:10 You know, Doug, I was thinking...
00:04:14 If you wanna go to Vegas without me,
00:04:17 What are you talking about?
00:04:19 You know, Phil and Stu, they're
00:04:23 Come on, Alan. Those two love you.
00:04:25 ALAN: And also, I don't want you to feel
00:04:28 ...because your wife's brother's there.
00:04:31 It's not like that.
00:04:36 It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.
00:04:38 Okay? We're just spending the night
00:04:42 Besides, you're not just my wife's brother,
00:04:49 I want you to know, Doug,
00:04:53 Whatever happens tonight,
00:04:57 Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you.
00:05:00 Seriously. I don't care what happens.
00:05:03 - I don't care if we kill someone.
00:05:06 You heard me. It's Sin City.
00:05:10 [WHISPERING]
00:05:13 Okay. I got it.
00:05:18 - Thank you.
00:05:22 I love you so much.
00:05:25 - Ha. I knew it.
00:05:27 Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.
00:05:29 Alan, put some pants on.
00:05:32 Yes, Daddy.
00:05:33 - His legs look fine, Dad.
00:05:35 He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.
00:05:42 Alan, I'm just teasing.
00:05:47 They're better than your mother's.
00:05:50 Can you believe this?
00:05:53 DOUG:
00:05:57 - You wanna back out?
00:05:59 Just tell me. Oh. Mm.
00:06:03 You know, I don't need to go to Vegas.
00:06:05 It's not dumb. It's one night.
00:06:09 I know, but we should have
00:06:11 We have so much to do.
00:06:14 My brother packed his bag two weeks ago.
00:06:17 - Really?
00:06:19 - Two weeks?
00:06:22 Thanks again for bringing him,
00:06:24 You don't need to thank me,
00:06:27 It's not nothing
00:06:29 ...so thank you.
00:06:32 Thank you.
00:06:35 Thank you.
00:06:41 Hey, Sid.
00:06:44 I just wanted to thank you guys again
00:06:48 - We couldn't be more excited.
00:06:50 Yeah, okay. You love us
00:06:54 So talk to me about Vegas.
00:06:56 - Uh... It should be pretty mellow.
00:06:59 Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays,
00:07:02 Yeah, some laughs. I got you.
00:07:05 How you getting out there?
00:07:07 Uh, we're gonna take my car.
00:07:10 - Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas?
00:07:14 You know, when you go to Vegas...
00:07:17 ...you gotta go to Vegas.
00:07:18 DOUG:
00:07:23 - Really?
00:07:28 - You sure? I mean, you love this car.
00:07:31 Just make sure to put some Armor All
00:07:36 Absolutely. That's easy.
00:07:38 Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive,
00:07:43 DOUG:
00:07:44 Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
00:07:47 I will be the only one driving this car.
00:07:52 Good.
00:07:53 Remember, what happens in Vegas
00:07:56 Ah!
00:07:58 [CHUCKLES]
00:07:59 Except for herpes.
00:08:02 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
00:08:04 All right. Hold on. I still need
00:08:06 ...and $90 for the field trip
00:08:10 Pay now, or forever regret missing out
00:08:14 You're good, you got it.
00:08:16 STUDENT: Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
00:08:17 You really came through,
00:08:20 Whoa, Max. What gives?
00:08:23 My mom won't give me the money.
00:08:25 - Well, how much you got on you?
00:08:27 Like, 20 bucks.
00:08:30 Well, give me the 20
00:08:33 - Really?
00:08:36 But give me the 20
00:08:38 - Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
00:09:02 STUDENT:
00:09:03 Ahem, do you have to park so close?
00:09:06 - Yeah. What's wrong?
00:09:09 Why is that, Alan?
00:09:10 I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet
00:09:14 - What?
00:09:21 BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was...
00:09:23 I don't know you. You do not exist.
00:09:26 - Shit.
00:09:28 - Nice car.
00:09:30 - I'm driving.
00:09:31 Don't step... God. Watch the leath...
00:09:34 Shut up and drive before these nerds
00:09:37 - Animal.
00:09:38 - It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
00:09:42 Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
00:09:45 MELISSA:
00:09:47 STU:
00:09:50 And don't forget to use it.
00:09:53 I can totally tell when you forget,
00:09:57 Using of the Rogaine, check.
00:10:00 Make sure to call me
00:10:03 ...not like that conference in Phoenix.
00:10:05 I had to wait two hours
00:10:08 Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.
00:10:11 - Still?
00:10:16 - What is the matter?
00:10:18 I hope you're not gonna go to
00:10:21 STU:
00:10:24 I don't even think they have strip clubs
00:10:27 Well, I'm sure if there is one,
00:10:31 [SIGHS]
00:10:32 It's not gonna be like that.
00:10:34 Besides, you know how I feel about that.
00:10:36 I know, I know. It's just boys
00:10:40 You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.
00:10:45 And you know what else, honestly?
00:10:48 Why would I risk this for,
00:10:53 ...of some 19-year-old hard body
00:10:59 - Yeah.
00:11:01 - You're right. And if you ever do...
00:11:04 ...I will fucking kick your ass.
00:11:07 Thank you. Thank you for that.
00:11:11 That is exactly what I needed to hear.
00:11:14 Not to mention it's pathetic.
00:11:16 Those places are filthy.
00:11:20 ...that little girl...
00:11:22 ...grinding and dry humping
00:11:26 ...that's somebody's daughter up there.
00:11:30 See? I just wish your friends
00:11:33 They are mature, actually.
00:11:36 PHIL:
00:11:41 Dr. Faggot!
00:11:46 - I should go.
00:11:51 Have a good weekend.
00:12:06 Whoo!
00:12:07 Road trip!
00:12:10 [SCREAMS]
00:12:12 Vegas! Vegas, baby!
00:12:15 Vegas!
00:12:17 [LAUGHS]
00:12:18 You're nuts!
00:12:24 Come on, just till Barstow.
00:12:27 Absolutely not. I promised Sid.
00:12:32 Besides, you're drinking.
00:12:33 Oh, what are you, a cop now?
00:12:37 True. Don't forget,
00:12:40 Yeah. You wanna explain it
00:12:42 Guys, my dad loves this car
00:12:46 Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid
00:12:49 - You know how difficult that was?
00:12:52 - Yeah.
00:12:54 I fucking hate my life.
00:12:55 - I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas.
00:12:59 Doug, enjoy yourself,
00:13:01 ...you're gonna start dying
00:13:04 Yeah. That's why I've managed
00:13:09 - Oh, really? That's why you're single?
00:13:12 Cool. Good to know.
00:13:15 - Am I all right over there, Alan?
00:13:18 [TRUCK HONKS]
00:13:20 [TIRES SQUEAL]
00:13:21 DOUG:
00:13:22 - Oh, my God!
00:13:25 That was not awesome.
00:13:28 - That was insane. We almost just died.
00:13:34 - Classic.
00:13:36 It's not funny.
00:13:53 [MAN WHISTLES]
00:13:55 - Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
00:14:00 Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.
00:14:04 You heard me.
00:14:09 Yeah, you better walk on.
00:14:12 - He's actually kind of funny.
00:14:15 ALAN:
00:14:18 Is he all there? Like, mentally?
00:14:21 I think so. He's just an odd guy.
00:14:24 - I mean, should we be worried?
00:14:26 - All right.
00:14:28 Tracy did mention
00:14:31 Or drink too much.
00:14:33 Jesus, he's like a gremlin.
00:14:37 STU:
00:14:39 - All good with Melissa?
00:14:41 Told her we're two hours
00:14:47 You think it's strange you've been
00:14:50 ...and you have to lie about Vegas?
00:14:52 Yeah, I do.
00:14:55 Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can
00:15:00 Hey.
00:15:01 Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
00:15:05 And she was wasted.
00:15:07 And, if you must know,
00:15:11 And you believe that?
00:15:13 Uh, yeah, I do believe that,
00:15:18 That'll be 32.50.
00:15:20 It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?
00:15:25 It says here we should work in teams.
00:15:30 I don't think you should be doing
00:15:34 Gambling?
00:15:36 It's not gambling
00:15:38 Counting cards is a foolproof system.
00:15:40 It's also illegal.
00:15:42 It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,
00:15:47 [CHUCKLES]
00:15:49 I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
00:15:50 Yeah, maybe after 9/11,
00:15:56 Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
00:15:59 Either way, you gotta be super smart
00:16:03 ALAN: Oh, really?
00:16:04 Well maybe we should tell that
00:16:06 ...because he practically bankrupted
00:16:10 What?
00:16:11 He was a retard.
00:16:14 Retard.
00:16:55 PHIL:
00:16:59 WOMAN:
00:17:01 STU: Hello.
00:17:02 Yeah. We have a reservation
00:17:05 LISA:
00:17:07 Dr. Price?
00:17:08 Stu, you're a dentist, okay?
00:17:12 - It's not fancy if it's true.
00:17:17 And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,
00:17:20 We'll be sure to do that.
00:17:22 Can I ask you a question?
00:17:25 - What do you mean?
00:17:29 - I'm not sure.
00:17:32 Bunch of payphones? Business.
00:17:36 Um, there's a phone in your room.
00:17:39 That'll work.
00:17:40 So I have you in a two-bedroom suite
00:17:44 It sounds perfect.
00:17:45 Actually, I was wondering
00:17:48 - We're not even gonna be in the room.
00:17:51 No big deal. We can share beds.
00:17:53 If we're share beds,
00:17:56 - You good with that?
00:17:58 Guys, we are not sharing beds.
00:18:02 Lisa, I apologize.
00:18:04 Well, we have one villa available,
00:18:07 - Is it awesome?
00:18:09 - We'll take it. Give her your credit card.
00:18:14 - We'll split it.
00:18:19 You don't get it.
00:18:22 We just need a credit card on file.
00:18:24 We won't charge you until check out,
00:18:27 That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.
00:18:31 Fine.
00:18:34 - Can I ask you another question?
00:18:36 You probably get this a lot.
00:18:37 This isn't the real Caesars Palace,
00:18:40 What do you mean?
00:18:42 Did, uh...
00:18:45 - Did Caesar live here?
00:18:49 I didn't think so.
00:18:59 STU:
00:19:02 [PHIL GROANS]
00:19:03 PHIL:
00:19:05 DOUG:
00:19:09 PHIL:
00:19:11 Is this all one suite?
00:19:14 Thank you, guys.
00:19:16 Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?
00:19:18 You're welcome.
00:19:21 Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.
00:19:25 - Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back.
00:19:28 - Well, I know, but...
00:19:31 It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick
00:19:35 ...or they bill you.
00:19:37 STU: It may be neat,
00:19:40 Those almonds are probably, like, $14.
00:19:43 Stu, relax.
00:19:45 Phil, Melissa is like
00:19:48 She scours my statements.
00:19:50 ...put your own credit card down.
00:19:56 Problem solved.
00:19:59 I don't want them. He ruined it.
00:20:02 All right, let's pick a room, let's get
00:20:07 I just wish you could see this place,
00:20:12 Yeah. No, it's so quaint.
00:20:17 Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.
00:20:19 They just have these cute little antique
00:20:23 Yeah.
00:20:26 What else? Um...
00:20:28 We met the, uh, proprietor.
00:20:30 - Oh, I bet you...
00:20:33 Um, Caesar. Palacé.
00:20:35 Yeah, like the salad.
00:20:38 Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,
00:20:42 Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.
00:20:46 I'm not even gonna say anything,
00:20:49 - Where's Alan?
00:20:52 He said he had to grab a few things.
00:20:54 Good, because I have something
00:21:01 DOUG:
00:21:02 - What the hell is that?
00:21:04 If it's what I think it is,
00:21:08 I'm gonna propose to Melissa
00:21:11 - Stuey, congratulations!
00:21:15 - That's a beautiful ring.
00:21:18 She made it all the way through
00:21:21 Wait, have you not listened
00:21:24 Phil, we've been dating for three years.
00:21:28 A, that is bullshit.
00:21:31 Hey, that's his fiancée.
00:21:34 What? It's true. It's true.
00:21:37 That was twice, and I was out of line.
00:21:40 She's strong-willed. And I respect that.
00:21:43 Wow. Wow.
00:21:45 He's in denial.
00:21:48 DOUG:
00:21:50 He was a bartender on a cruise ship.
00:21:53 Guys, I'm standing right here.
00:21:58 Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
00:22:00 - What?
00:22:02 ALAN:
00:22:03 [SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"]
00:22:06 Who brought this guy?
00:22:07 DOUG: Yes, Alan, we are ready
00:22:10 - Hey, congrats.
00:22:24 I love this fucking town.
00:22:34 - You're not really wearing that, are you?
00:22:37 The man-purse.
00:22:39 You're actually gonna wear that
00:22:42 It's where I keep all my things.
00:22:45 Plus, it's not a man-purse.
00:22:48 Indiana Jones wears one.
00:22:50 So does Joy Behar.
00:22:55 - We're going up, guys.
00:22:57 STU:
00:22:59 We're going up?
00:23:06 I'm just saying,
00:23:09 We are definitely
00:23:11 Come on, we're paying for a villa.
00:23:14 - Yeah, but...
00:23:16 - Guys, come on up here.
00:23:23 DOUG:
00:23:25 Don't worry about it.
00:23:27 Oh!
00:23:29 - You all right?
00:23:31 - Look at the view up here.
00:23:35 - This is great.
00:23:36 [PHIL CHUCKLES]
00:23:37 Are you kidding?
00:23:39 PHIL: Alan, how we doing, buddy?
00:23:41 DOUG: What do you got over there, Alan?
00:23:45 Uh-oh.
00:23:46 - Right?
00:23:48 - Good idea.
00:23:50 On the roof.
00:23:51 Um, no, this is good.
00:23:55 To Doug and Tracy.
00:23:57 May tonight be...
00:24:00 ...but a minor speed bump...
00:24:03 ...in an otherwise very long
00:24:06 - Cheers.
00:24:07 Short and sweet.
00:24:12 DOUG:
00:24:13 - All right. I wanna talk about something.
00:24:16 - I want to...
00:24:18 I'd like to say something...
00:24:21 ...that I prepared...
00:24:23 ...tonight.
00:24:30 "Hello.
00:24:33 How about that ride in?
00:24:35 I guess that's why they call it
00:24:38 [ALAN CHUCKLES]
00:24:40 You guys might not know this,
00:24:45 I tend to think of myself
00:24:50 But when my sister brought Doug home,
00:24:54 And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
00:24:58 So were there two...
00:25:01 I was alone first in the pack,
00:25:07 And six months ago...
00:25:08 ...when Doug introduced me to you guys,
00:25:12 'Wait a second. Could it be? '
00:25:16 I just added two more guys
00:25:19 - All right.
00:25:21 ALAN:
00:25:23 ...running around the desert together
00:25:27 ...looking for strippers and cocaine."
00:25:29 So tonight...
00:25:32 ...I make a toast.
00:25:33 - What...?
00:25:35 PHIL: Dude, what the fuck?
00:25:38 [ALAN GROANS]
00:25:41 - What is that?
00:25:44 - Don't... Why did you...?
00:25:46 - Here.
00:25:47 - No.
00:25:49 ALAN: Go ahead, Stuart.
00:25:51 Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.
00:25:53 Slowly. Thank you.
00:25:56 PHIL: You all right? Are you okay?
00:25:58 - Do you need a doctor?
00:26:00 PHIL: You sure?
00:26:01 All right, good,
00:26:04 I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk
00:26:08 No, better yet,
00:26:11 You see, whatever happens here tonight
00:26:17 ...because this circle's about as far
00:26:20 In other words, forget everything.
00:26:24 [CHUCKLES]
00:26:25 Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.
00:26:28 Okay, good or bad, we don't remember
00:26:32 Nothing, guys. Nothing.
00:26:35 Deal?
00:26:37 - Deal.
00:26:39 - Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.
00:26:44 All right, to a night
00:26:50 ...but the four of us
00:26:57 STU: There it is.
00:26:59 DOUG:
00:28:34 [GRUNTS & GROANS]
00:28:42 [ALAN GRUNTS]
00:29:13 [GROWLING]
00:29:26 Hm.
00:29:27 Stupid tiger.
00:29:31 [GASPS]
00:29:33 [TIGER ROARS]
00:29:35 [ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT]
00:29:36 PHIL:
00:29:39 Control yourself, man.
00:29:42 - Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
00:29:45 Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
00:29:47 - What's going on?
00:29:50 - Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.
00:29:53 Don't go in, don't go in.
00:29:56 [TIGER GROWLS]
00:29:58 - Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding.
00:30:00 - There's a tiger in there.
00:30:03 Yeah!
00:30:04 - It's big. Gigantic.
00:30:08 No. I am in so much pain right now.
00:30:11 Goddamn. Look at this place.
00:30:14 Whew.
00:30:16 I know. Phil, they have my credit card
00:30:20 How does a tiger get in the bathroom?
00:30:23 Hey, bro?
00:30:25 I find it a little weird
00:30:27 ALAN: Pants at a time like this?
00:30:31 What the fuck happened last night?
00:30:33 Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
00:30:37 I can't... Oh, shit.
00:30:42 Oh, my God.
00:30:45 My lateral incisor's... It's gone!
00:30:47 It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.
00:30:52 Alan, go wake up Doug.
00:30:53 Let's get some coffee and get the fuck
00:30:57 What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth.
00:31:01 You're freaking me out, man.
00:31:02 I got a massive headache, okay?
00:31:05 How am I supposed to calm down?
00:31:08 - Hey, guys, he's not in there.
00:31:11 Yeah, I looked everywhere.
00:31:14 He probably went to the pool
00:31:17 I'll just call his cell.
00:31:19 I look like a nerdy hillbilly.
00:31:25 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
00:31:35 - Hello?
00:31:37 Hey.
00:31:39 - It's Phil.
00:31:42 This is Doug's phone.
00:31:45 PHIL: No shit.
00:31:47 [BABY CRYING]
00:31:50 What the fuck is that?
00:31:59 Whose fucking baby is that?
00:32:01 Alan, are you sure you didn't see
00:32:04 Yeah, I checked all the rooms.
00:32:06 Check its collar or something.
00:32:09 Shh. Shh.
00:32:11 - It's okay, baby.
00:32:14 Let's go hook up with Doug,
00:32:16 Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby
00:32:19 - There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.
00:32:22 Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
00:32:24 All right, fine.
00:32:26 Could you at least just find some pants?
00:32:36 Why can't we remember a goddamn thing
00:32:40 Because we obviously
00:32:44 Why don't you just stop worrying
00:32:47 Be proud of yourself.
00:32:49 I don't know, Phil.
00:32:53 Or maybe it's because
00:32:58 ...which, incidentally,
00:33:03 Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.
00:33:06 Maybe it's because we found a baby,
00:33:11 That's it. That's it.
00:33:12 It's because we found a fucking baby.
00:33:17 - You shouldn't curse around the child.
00:33:21 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
00:33:28 Oh, how cute. What's his name?
00:33:32 - Ben.
00:33:36 Carlos?
00:33:48 Thank you.
00:33:55 Hey, Phil, look.
00:33:57 [ALAN LAUGHING]
00:34:01 He's jacking his little weenis.
00:34:03 - Pull yourself together, man.
00:34:07 [ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE]
00:34:11 I looked everywhere.
00:34:13 Gym, casino, front desk.
00:34:16 He's fine. He's a grown man.
00:34:18 Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.
00:34:26 I can't have juice right now.
00:34:27 Okay. All right.
00:34:30 [PHIL COUGHS]
00:34:31 What's the last thing
00:34:34 Well, the first thing was
00:34:36 ...and were having those shots of Jäger.
00:34:38 [RETCHES & COUGHS]
00:34:40 And then we ate dinner
00:34:43 That's right.
00:34:44 And then we played craps at
00:34:48 That sounds right.
00:34:50 You know what, guys?
00:34:53 What the fuck?
00:34:56 After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.
00:34:59 [LAUGHS]
00:35:00 Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...
00:35:02 ...so that gives us a 12-hour window
00:35:06 ALAN: What is this?
00:35:10 Why do you have that?
00:35:13 This is a good thing. No.
00:35:16 Do you have anything?
00:35:18 I have an ATM receipt
00:35:21 Eleven-oh-five for $800!
00:35:28 I have a valet ticket from Caesars.
00:35:32 Oh, shit. We drove last night?
00:35:34 [ALAN LAUGHS]
00:35:36 Driving drunk. Classic.
00:35:38 [LAUGHS]
00:35:41 What's on your arm?
00:35:44 - What the fuck is that?
00:35:46 - You were in the hospital last night.
00:35:49 - You okay?
00:35:51 What the hell is going on?
00:35:53 Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.
00:35:56 Hey, Stu, watch this.
00:35:59 [LAUGHS]
00:36:01 [CHUCKLES]
00:36:02 - You ever seen a baby do that?
00:36:07 So, uh, are you sure you're qualified
00:36:13 What? I've found a baby before.
00:36:15 - You found a baby before?
00:36:17 - Where?
00:36:20 STU:
00:36:22 Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug
00:36:25 Relax, we'll be careful.
00:36:26 My dad is crazy about that car.
00:36:29 Alan. We got bigger problems here.
00:36:32 Doug could be in the hospital,
00:36:34 [CRANE BEEPING]
00:36:35 - Let's worry about the car later.
00:36:42 MAN:
00:36:44 Is that the mattress from Doug's room?
00:36:47 PHIL:
00:36:50 Hey, man, what's going on here?
00:36:52 Some asshole threw his bed
00:36:56 - No shit.
00:36:58 Some guys just can't handle Vegas.
00:37:02 Ha-ha.
00:37:04 Oh, God.
00:37:06 It's gonna be okay, Stu.
00:37:09 How the hell did we manage that?
00:37:15 - Here's your car, officers.
00:37:18 All right, everybody act cool.
00:37:21 Come on, let's just get in and go.
00:37:27 - Stu, you got a five?
00:37:30 PHIL: I'll hit you on the way back.
00:37:33 Oh, my God.
00:37:35 [BABY CRYING]
00:37:37 You just nailed the baby.
00:37:39 ALAN:
00:37:41 Your glasses are fine, dick.
00:37:47 [CAR HORN HONKING]
00:37:49 STU:
00:37:52 Can't you see the fun part in anything?
00:37:55 Yeah, we're stuck in traffic
00:37:58 ...with a missing child
00:38:00 Which part of this is fun?
00:38:02 - I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.
00:38:07 Doug would love it.
00:38:09 Come on.
00:38:13 [SIREN WAILING]
00:38:14 - Check this out.
00:38:17 Don't do this!
00:38:18 PHIL: Take it easy.
00:38:20 PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention.
00:38:22 PHIL:
00:38:24 I repeat, please disperse.
00:38:28 Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.
00:38:32 Ma'am, in the leopard dress,
00:38:37 STU: Get off the sidewalk!
00:38:39 I should have been a fucking cop.
00:38:41 [STU SCREAMS]
00:38:48 Look, I already told you.
00:38:49 You came in with a mild concussion,
00:38:52 Although none of you could articulate
00:38:55 Do you remember how many of us
00:38:58 Ah...
00:38:59 I don't know. I think it was just you guys.
00:39:03 - And one other guy.
00:39:07 Yeah. He was fine.
00:39:11 All right, come forward.
00:39:15 All right.
00:39:17 There you go. And cough.
00:39:19 [MAN COUGHING]
00:39:21 Cough. Cough. Give me one more.
00:39:25 All right. Thattaboy.
00:39:29 Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.
00:39:31 And the nurse will be in here
00:39:33 I'll see you after the weekend.
00:39:35 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.
00:39:40 Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
00:39:45 No, I know. But we just need
00:39:50 Yeah. Tuck it right in there.
00:39:55 Walk with me.
00:39:59 Okay, here we go. Patient name,
00:40:04 Minor concussion, like I said.
00:40:07 Do you mind if I look?
00:40:10 Yeah, you said that several times last night.
00:40:15 Okay, this is interesting.
00:40:19 Wow.
00:40:22 They found a large amount of Ruphylin
00:40:26 Ruphylin. Roofies.
00:40:29 What, so, what are you saying,
00:40:33 Actually...
00:40:39 I don't think so.
00:40:42 I'm not surprised
00:40:44 [CHUCKLES]
00:40:45 Doc, none of us can remember anything
00:40:49 Yeah. How could someone
00:40:52 VALSH:
00:40:53 The stuff's out of your system.
00:40:56 Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.
00:40:59 Like, something we may have been talking
00:41:03 Actually, there was something.
00:41:05 You guys kept talking about some wedding
00:41:08 Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's
00:41:11 - You know what? I want the 100 back.
00:41:13 You kept talking about some wedding
00:41:16 At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.
00:41:17 You kept saying how sick the wedding was
00:41:21 Okay, I hope this helps.
00:41:23 Best Little Chapel,
00:41:26 I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map
00:41:32 I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
00:41:34 Figure it out yourself, okay?
00:41:49 ALAN:
00:41:50 PHIL: Leave him in the car.
00:41:53 STU:
00:41:55 He'll be fine. I cracked the window.
00:42:02 - What if they don't remember us?
00:42:06 I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.
00:42:08 [EDDIE LAUGHS]
00:42:10 Look at these guys.
00:42:12 What happened? You miss me?
00:42:15 How are you, my friend?
00:42:19 What's going on, man?
00:42:20 Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.
00:42:24 This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard
00:42:29 - This guy?
00:42:31 What's going on,
00:42:33 I thought he was gonna eat my dick.
00:42:36 What happened?
00:42:38 No, no. It's not that, Eddie.
00:42:41 Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time
00:42:45 Yeah, was there a wedding here?
00:42:48 [LAUGHS]
00:42:50 You are cracking my balls, man.
00:42:51 I love these guys.
00:42:55 Bring my friends some tea,
00:42:57 Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.
00:43:01 But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,
00:43:05 That's it here, man.
00:43:07 You want chicks?
00:43:10 ...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.
00:43:12 Clean, tight.
00:43:15 Obviously we were here.
00:43:18 - Do you remember?
00:43:21 - Yeah.
00:43:22 Of course.
00:43:23 Is there anything you can tell us about
00:43:29 You don't remember nothing?
00:43:32 [STU GROANS]
00:43:34 - Congratulations, Stu, you got married.
00:43:39 - Oh, God.
00:43:42 [STU GROANING]
00:43:45 I'll tell you one thing,
00:43:50 STU:
00:43:52 Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.
00:43:53 Come on. Melissa's not gonna know
00:43:56 - This never happened. I'll take care of it.
00:43:59 Hey, what's all that?
00:44:01 The High Roller package.
00:44:05 - What?
00:44:07 And fancy calendars, all with pictures
00:44:11 PHIL:
00:44:12 Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.
00:44:15 - But that's because she had a baby.
00:44:18 - Oh, Carlos. Carlos.
00:44:21 Uh, here's the deal.
00:44:23 We need this marriage annulled.
00:44:25 Of course I do. It breaks my heart
00:44:28 ...but it's no problem.
00:44:30 I can't do it with just him, though.
00:44:34 Oh, not a problem. That's great.
00:44:37 Come on, buddy.
00:44:39 - Awesome.
00:44:43 We need her address.
00:44:46 Of course.
00:44:47 Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter
00:44:51 - I spend my life waiting for you. Come on.
00:44:54 EDDIE:
00:45:00 - Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?
00:45:05 Then I vote we torch the cop car
00:45:09 - Torch it? Who are you?
00:45:13 Apparently I'm a guy who marries
00:45:16 This whole situation is completely fucked.
00:45:21 - These mugs. This hat. This car.
00:45:25 It's all evidence
00:45:28 That is why we're torching all of it.
00:45:30 Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,
00:45:33 I'm all for secrecy,
00:45:36 - Fine. I'll do it.
00:45:38 - Yeah, thanks.
00:45:40 Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,
00:45:44 They're attracted to the gas lines.
00:45:46 - What? A ferret?
00:45:47 Or a tamed raccoon,
00:45:50 ALAN: If you wanna...
00:45:53 Yeah, because if it's untamed,
00:45:56 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
00:45:57 PHIL: Is it Doug?
00:45:59 PHIL:
00:46:01 Uh, it's Melissa.
00:46:02 - Don't answer.
00:46:05 - Can I ride shotgun?
00:46:06 Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
00:46:08 There you are.
00:46:12 I know. The reception up here's crazy.
00:46:15 I think it's all the sequoia trees,
00:46:18 Ugh, I hate that.
00:46:21 Ah, it was really fun, actually.
00:46:24 MELISSA:
00:46:27 - I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.
00:46:30 [BABBLES]
00:46:31 It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,
00:46:34 STU:
00:46:36 ...we're about to go for a tractor ride.
00:46:39 STU: I should get going. So pretty.
00:46:43 [BASEBALL BAT THUDS]
00:46:44 - Go, out of the car!
00:46:46 They started up the tractor.
00:46:48 - Where the hell is he?
00:46:51 I think we're looking for
00:46:54 Hey! What the hell, man?
00:46:56 [CRYING]
00:46:57 MELISSA: What the fuck, Stu?
00:47:00 Why would there be a baby?
00:47:03 - Where is he?
00:47:06 Sir, can you please start the tractor
00:47:09 I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.
00:47:11 Oh, my God!
00:47:14 - Hey! There's a baby on board!
00:47:17 - Get out of the car!
00:47:20 Why you making trouble
00:47:22 - Go away from here.
00:47:24 - Phil, he's got a gun!
00:47:26 - I gotta call you back. Bye.
00:47:30 PHIL: Fuck! Shit.
00:47:32 - He shot Eddie!
00:47:35 [SQUEALING]
00:47:37 [SCREAMS]
00:47:38 PHIL:
00:47:40 Go, go, go!
00:47:45 MAN:
00:47:46 Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!
00:47:48 [BABY CRYING]
00:47:50 ALAN:
00:47:51 STU: We're gonna be okay.
00:47:53 What the fuck is going on?!
00:47:56 I have no idea.
00:47:58 [SIGHS]
00:47:59 [PANTING]
00:48:00 [CELL PHONE RINGING]
00:48:04 Why don't you just let that
00:48:06 Ha-ha-ha.
00:48:09 That's a fake laugh, by the way.
00:48:14 It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum
00:48:19 Shut up, Alan.
00:48:21 - What room was it again?
00:48:23 WOMAN:
00:48:26 I found him, I'll call you back.
00:48:30 I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.
00:48:34 And I miss you.
00:48:37 [JADE MOANING]
00:48:41 No.
00:48:43 - What the hell happened to you guys?
00:48:47 What do you mean? I got up this morning,
00:48:50 ...and I came back and you were gone.
00:48:53 - Why are you being so quiet?
00:48:58 Ha, ha. You're so cute.
00:48:59 Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.
00:49:04 Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.
00:49:07 Yeah. I thought he looked
00:49:14 Okay, what's up?
00:49:18 - Look, it's Jade, right?
00:49:21 Right, Jade, uh, ahem,
00:49:25 Are you kidding? He was the best man.
00:49:27 Exactly. Well, we can't find him,
00:49:30 JADE:
00:49:33 Ha, ha. Oh.
00:49:35 [CRYING]
00:49:36 Oh, sweetie, I'm...
00:49:38 It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.
00:49:41 Oh, my God.
00:49:42 What the fuck, man,
00:49:44 - Holy shit.
00:49:46 - You should be proud of yourself.
00:49:50 - What?
00:49:52 You remember,
00:49:54 - Fuck. Okay.
00:49:56 I didn't know they gave out rings
00:50:00 - He's okay.
00:50:02 JADE: He was just hungry, he's fine.
00:50:04 About last night, uh, ahem, do you
00:50:09 - Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.
00:50:13 And, uh, we can't re...
00:50:16 Well, it was, um...
00:50:19 [CLEARING THROAT]
00:50:21 I guess it was around 1, because I had
00:50:24 And then when I got out I headed over
00:50:27 And was Doug there then?
00:50:29 I didn't see Doug because you guys
00:50:32 - So I just curled up next to Stu.
00:50:35 - Rowr.
00:50:39 I got a question.
00:50:42 Does that mean you're a nurse?
00:50:47 - You know this. I'm a stripper.
00:50:49 Well, technically I'm an escort, but
00:50:53 - Smart.
00:50:56 But that's all in the past,
00:51:00 I'm just a dentist.
00:51:03 - Las Vegas Police! Freeze!
00:51:04 [TYLER CRYING]
00:51:05 Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!
00:51:07 STU: Oh, God!
00:51:15 After we take the mug shots,
00:51:18 ...where they wait to be interviewed
00:51:22 Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting
00:51:25 We call this place Loserville.
00:51:28 [KIDS LAUGHING]
00:51:30 FOLTZ:
00:51:34 [SHUTTER CLICKS]
00:51:38 Hello.
00:51:39 - Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.
00:51:42 - Where are you guys?
00:51:47 Cool. We're just getting some sun.
00:51:50 Of course. Why wouldn't he be?
00:51:52 I'm just wondering
00:51:54 Um...
00:51:56 We made a deal,
00:51:59 So we're all calling each other's.
00:52:03 TRACY:
00:52:04 Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
00:52:09 You did?
00:52:10 Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.
00:52:13 There's, like, room service and a butler.
00:52:17 We're thinking of spending the night...
00:52:19 ...and we're gonna come back
00:52:21 You wanna stay an extra night?
00:52:25 That's why we're gonna get up early,
00:52:29 Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
00:52:31 Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.
00:52:34 Okay, Trace, I gotta go.
00:52:36 Uh...
00:52:40 - Come on, chop-chop.
00:52:43 - That's it.
00:52:45 - Wait a second.
00:52:47 PHIL: Stop pulling.
00:52:49 We got it. Alan, just relax.
00:52:52 Good.
00:52:56 [DOOR OPENS]
00:53:00 Gentlemen.
00:53:01 We've got some good news,
00:53:05 The good news is
00:53:06 [PHIL CHUCKLES]
00:53:08 - That's great news.
00:53:10 Yeah, it's over at impound right now.
00:53:14 ...parked in the middle
00:53:17 PHIL: In the middle. That's weird.
00:53:21 There was also a note.
00:53:23 It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,
00:53:29 The bad news is...
00:53:32 ...we can't get you in front of a judge
00:53:35 Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.
00:53:39 No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow
00:53:41 - You stole a police car.
00:53:47 Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward
00:53:50 - I see assholes like you every day.
00:53:54 "Let's go to Vegas,
00:53:56 - Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.
00:53:58 Let's steal a cop car,
00:54:01 Think you gonna get away with it?
00:54:04 - Not up in here!
00:54:06 Uh...
00:54:09 Sir...
00:54:11 ...if I may, um...
00:54:12 ...l'm assuming that that squad car
00:54:15 - Yeah.
00:54:17 Look, I'm not a cop.
00:54:20 I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.
00:54:24 But if one of my kids went missing
00:54:28 ...that would look really bad on me.
00:54:31 - What are you getting at?
00:54:34 No one wants to look bad.
00:54:38 ...and you guys don't need people
00:54:40 ...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed
00:54:44 But look, the point is,
00:54:47 Discreetly of course, ma'am.
00:54:50 What do you say?
00:54:59 [LAUGHS]
00:55:01 FRANKLIN:
00:55:02 Do, uh, any of you gentlemen
00:55:08 Uh, no.
00:55:11 Okay, kids,
00:55:13 These gentlemen have kindly volunteered
00:55:16 ...how a stun gun is used
00:55:19 KIDS:
00:55:21 - That's right.
00:55:22 Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.
00:55:25 [SCREAMS]
00:55:27 [LAUGHING]
00:55:28 - What the fuck?
00:55:31 Do I have any volunteers? You wanna
00:55:35 All right, how about you, young lady?
00:55:38 Let's go, handsome, come on.
00:55:40 Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.
00:55:44 GIRL: Fat Jesus.
00:55:46 All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.
00:55:49 All right?
00:55:51 Okay, look.
00:55:54 You can do this. Just focus.
00:55:56 Don't listen to this maniac.
00:55:59 Finish him!
00:56:00 PHIL: Oh, fuck.
00:56:03 [GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING]
00:56:04 Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.
00:56:07 [KIDS LAUGH]
00:56:08 - Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
00:56:13 Good job. Well done. Good job.
00:56:17 Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.
00:56:23 How about you, big man?
00:56:41 Okay, same instructions.
00:56:49 There you go. That's the stuff.
00:56:51 I like the intensity.
00:56:54 Eye of the tiger. Good.
00:56:56 You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.
00:57:01 [GRUNTING]
00:57:03 In the face! In the face!
00:57:06 [LAUGHING]
00:57:08 Oh, he's still up. He's still up.
00:57:11 - Aah!
00:57:13 All right, everybody relax, take it easy.
00:57:15 We've seen it before.
00:57:19 There we go.
00:57:20 [FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING]
00:57:22 Some of these big boys,
00:57:25 All right, kids, who wants to get their
00:57:30 STU:
00:57:33 That was bullshit.
00:57:36 - They let us go, who cares?
00:57:39 You can't just do that. You can't just
00:57:44 That's police brutality.
00:57:50 I'm getting a soda.
00:57:53 No.
00:57:58 My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.
00:58:03 Alan, you okay?
00:58:06 I'm just worried.
00:58:09 What if something happened to Doug?
00:58:12 Come on, you can't think like that.
00:58:14 I mean, what if he's dead?
00:58:16 I can't afford to lose anybody
00:58:20 - I was so upset when my grandpa died.
00:58:24 - World War II.
00:58:27 No, he was skiing in Vermont.
00:58:31 Alan...
00:58:33 ...Doug is fine.
00:58:36 I don't know,
00:58:39 I'll tell you another thing,
00:58:43 Stu, not now.
00:58:44 No, how much do you wanna bet
00:58:47 That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,
00:58:55 Sorry, Alan.
00:58:56 You know what?
00:58:58 We'll search the car for clues
00:59:02 [CAR APPROACHING]
00:59:03 PHIL: Oh, shit. I can't watch.
00:59:07 STU:
00:59:11 - Wow. All right.
00:59:14 You see?
00:59:17 It's gonna be all right.
00:59:25 - Anything?
00:59:28 Oh, I found, uh...
00:59:31 - They women's shoes?
00:59:34 - Whose are those?
00:59:38 - That's weird.
00:59:40 Oh, come on! Ew!
00:59:42 - That's a used condom, Alan.
00:59:45 - Get it out of the car.
00:59:47 - I don't want the thing.
00:59:50 I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
00:59:54 STU: Get it out.
00:59:57 Oh, my God.
00:59:59 All right, what the fuck, man?
01:00:03 [THUMPING ON METAL]
01:00:06 What was that?
01:00:08 It's in the trunk.
01:00:10 - Doug's in the trunk.
01:00:13 Holy shit!
01:00:15 - Open it! Open it! Open it!
01:00:17 Okay, okay, okay.
01:00:19 [MAN & PHIL GRUNTING]
01:00:21 ALAN:
01:00:24 Please! Please! Please stop!
01:00:28 [STU GRUNTING]
01:00:34 Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!
01:00:36 - You gonna fuck on me?
01:00:40 We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!
01:00:44 He destroys cities! Please!
01:00:47 This isn't your fault.
01:00:50 [GRUNTING]
01:00:56 PHIL:
01:01:00 STU: I have internal bleeding.
01:01:04 That was some fucked up shit.
01:01:07 Who was that guy? He was so mean.
01:01:12 Guys, there's something
01:01:16 Last night on the roof,
01:01:21 ...I slipped something
01:01:25 - What?
01:01:29 - You drugged us?
01:01:32 I was told it was ecstasy.
01:01:35 Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
01:01:37 The guy I bought it from
01:01:40 Why would you give us ecstasy?
01:01:41 I wanted everybody to have a good time
01:01:45 It was just one hit each.
01:01:49 But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,
01:01:53 ALAN:
01:01:55 The guy I bought it from
01:01:58 You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store
01:02:01 Let's just calm down.
01:02:02 You fucking calm down! He drugged us.
01:02:08 - How dare you! She's a nice lady.
01:02:12 - Your language is offensive.
01:02:15 All right,
01:02:18 Seriously, this is a good thing.
01:02:20 At least it's not some stranger who
01:02:24 Yeah, you're right, Phil,
01:02:28 We're so much better off now.
01:02:30 Here's something
01:02:34 Our best friend Doug is probably
01:02:38 ...with a meth-head butt-fucking
01:02:42 - That's highly unlikely.
01:02:44 Does not help.
01:02:48 Let's go back to the hotel,
01:02:51 Maybe Doug's back there.
01:02:53 Come on. Let's go.
01:02:56 - Stu? Little help?
01:03:03 ALAN: Ow.
01:03:06 ALAN: Yeah, I'm fine.
01:03:19 Wait, guys. Guys.
01:03:21 What about the tiger?
01:03:23 Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting
01:03:28 How the fuck did he get in there?
01:03:30 - I don't know, because I don't remember.
01:03:35 Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh,
01:03:40 You are literally too stupid to insult.
01:03:44 - Thank you.
01:03:48 [PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"
01:03:51 Hey, come on.
01:03:56 Did we leave the music on?
01:03:59 Hey. Shh.
01:04:02 Don't make any sudden movements.
01:04:06 - Unh. Whoa!
01:04:07 - Who the hell are you?
01:04:09 MAN:
01:04:14 Mike Tyson?
01:04:15 Shh. This is my favorite part
01:04:23 [MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"]
01:04:28 Need a chorus line, guys.
01:04:29 [SINGING CHORUS]
01:04:33 [CONTINUES SINGING]
01:04:38 One more time, guys.
01:04:39 [SINGING CHORUS]
01:04:41 PHIL:
01:04:44 Oh, fuck!
01:04:46 Why did you do that?
01:04:48 Mr. Tyson would like to know
01:04:52 Hold on,
01:04:54 I'm a huge fan.
01:04:57 Explain.
01:04:59 All right, look, we were drugged last night.
01:05:03 STU:
01:05:04 We got in all kinds of trouble last night
01:05:08 If you wanna kill us,
01:05:11 - What are you talking about?
01:05:13 Why the fuck
01:05:16 We tend to do dumb shit
01:05:19 - I don't believe these guys, man.
01:05:23 One of you dropped your jacket.
01:05:27 That's Doug's.
01:05:28 Yeah, Doug.
01:05:32 - No, that's our missing friend.
01:05:35 - Did you guys see him?
01:05:37 Because if he was up, this
01:05:40 Maybe one of the tigers
01:05:43 Respect.
01:05:44 Wha... What happened to Omar?
01:05:45 Oh, don't worry about Omar,
01:05:48 Okay, I know this is asking a lot...
01:05:50 ...but do you think we could
01:05:53 ...see if there's any clues?
01:05:55 Absolutely. How else you think
01:05:59 - Come on, champ.
01:06:03 We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
01:06:07 What you think, about 40 minutes?
01:06:10 Don't make me come back for him.
01:06:16 - That was Mike Tyson.
01:06:19 I'm just saying, he's still got it.
01:06:22 PHIL:
01:06:24 Bud, are you okay?
01:06:25 STU: Oh, my God.
01:06:27 Fuck, where'd he get him?
01:06:28 Hey.
01:06:35 STU:
01:06:37 PHIL: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.
01:06:40 - Alan should do it.
01:06:44 Come on. For Doug.
01:06:46 Why are you peppering the steak?
01:06:50 Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
01:06:55 Phil, just do it. You should do it.
01:06:58 I would, but you lost.
01:07:02 Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.
01:07:04 Just go in there and throw it in to him.
01:07:08 Fine.
01:07:11 Make sure he eats the whole thing.
01:07:18 Fuck.
01:07:20 Oh, fuck.
01:07:24 Hey, kitty.
01:07:27 Hey, sweetie, it's okay.
01:07:31 Real important that you eat this, okay?
01:07:34 Yeah, just have a little...
01:07:37 [TIGER ROARING]
01:07:38 [SCREAMS]
01:07:40 Shit!
01:07:41 [PANTING]
01:07:44 What do we do now?
01:07:46 We wait.
01:07:57 [SINGING]
01:08:00 When they take a little tiger snooze?
01:08:04 Do they dream of mauling zebras
01:08:08 Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?
01:08:12 Don't you worry your pretty striped head
01:08:15 We're gonna get you back to Tyson
01:08:19 And then we're gonna find
01:08:22 And then we're gonna give him
01:08:26 Doug
01:08:28 Doug
01:08:30 Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug
01:08:34 But if he's been murdered
01:08:40 [TIGER GROANS AND THUDS]
01:08:41 Well, then we're shit out of luck
01:08:50 By the way, we're all gonna die.
01:08:57 ALAN:
01:09:02 PHIL: Oh, God.
01:09:03 STU:
01:09:11 Please don't stop. Please don't stop.
01:09:14 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
01:09:15 Please don't... Goddamn it.
01:09:18 DAD:
01:09:22 Oh... He won again.
01:09:23 [TIGER GROWLING]
01:09:26 - Hey, fellas. Rough night?
01:09:30 Sweetie, stay close to Mama.
01:09:34 - What's this?
01:09:36 Take it easy, little man.
01:09:40 No, partner, that's not your property.
01:09:46 So, what do you guys got under there?
01:09:48 Just a whole bunch of
01:09:51 STU: Easy, Phil.
01:09:54 - You okay?
01:09:56 Why, is this Jeopardy?
01:09:59 - Please, with the language.
01:10:04 - I fully agree.
01:10:14 Hey, guys, when's the next
01:10:17 - Who cares, man?
01:10:21 I don't think it's for, like,
01:10:24 - But it's not tonight, right?
01:10:27 But you don't know for sure?
01:10:30 No.
01:10:31 I got this cousin who saw one.
01:10:34 I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out
01:10:37 So if you guys
01:10:40 Oh, fuck!
01:10:41 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY
01:10:48 [SCREAMING]
01:10:52 [CAR HORNS HONKING]
01:11:01 - Oh, my God!
01:11:03 Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!
01:11:05 You got clawed! You're bleeding!
01:11:10 - Oh.
01:11:12 - Aah!
01:11:14 Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
01:11:16 [GROWLING]
01:11:24 [GROWLS]
01:11:26 - I can't do it.
01:11:28 ...and steer the car.
01:11:30 STU: Alan. We need you, buddy.
01:11:33 Okay, yeah. Whew.
01:11:36 Daddy's gonna kill me.
01:11:37 - That's it.
01:11:39 Keep it straight.
01:11:44 [DOORBELL RINGS]
01:11:50 - You're late.
01:11:52 We had to push it the last mile.
01:11:54 Come on in. Mike's got something
01:11:59 [TIGER GROANING]
01:12:02 That thing's out of control, man.
01:12:07 When we got back,
01:12:10 Great.
01:12:14 PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk.
01:12:16 - Oh, it's Doug.
01:12:20 That's our buddy.
01:12:23 We're all best friends.
01:12:25 Why don't you just pay attention?
01:12:27 Yeah, of course. Of course.
01:12:30 STU: What are you doing?
01:12:34 That's me, I'm on TV.
01:12:37 DOUG:
01:12:39 Really? Really, Alan?
01:12:42 DOUG:
01:12:45 Yeah, I was, uh...
01:12:46 [DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
01:12:48 STU:
01:12:51 - Maybe... Should I wait outside?
01:12:55 ALAN:
01:12:58 Don't touch anything out there, either.
01:13:00 You know what? He's not our good fr...
01:13:06 PHIL:
01:13:09 By the way,
01:13:11 We, uh, stole it from
01:13:14 Nice.
01:13:16 [LAUGHING]
01:13:18 High five that one.
01:13:21 Yeah, that's nice.
01:13:23 PHIL:
01:13:25 ...I have never seen a more beautiful,
01:13:28 PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu.
01:13:31 STU: Oh, my God. That's awful.
01:13:34 [STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
01:13:36 PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit.
01:13:39 Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously.
01:13:44 DOUG:
01:13:47 That's all we got.
01:13:49 This was hugely helpful.
01:13:52 Really. Because now we know
01:13:55 ...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.
01:13:59 Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,
01:14:04 Don't worry about it, man.
01:14:05 Like you said, we all do dumb shit
01:14:08 [LAUGHING]
01:14:10 - I told you he'd get it.
01:14:17 You know, everyone says
01:14:20 ...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
01:14:23 I think he's mean.
01:14:25 All right. I think it's officially time
01:14:28 Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something
01:14:32 We don't have much of a choice.
01:14:35 That's what I been saying this whole time.
01:14:38 We just need to be completely honest.
01:14:43 We don't have to tell her everything.
01:14:47 ...about me marrying a hooker.
01:14:49 Just stay focused on Doug.
01:14:52 - What am I gonna tell my dad?
01:14:55 Come on. I got a guy in L.A.
01:14:59 [SCREAMING]
01:15:02 [PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING]
01:15:05 [PHIL COUGHING]
01:15:09 - Oh, Jesus!
01:15:16 - Are you guys okay?
01:15:27 I know that guy.
01:15:31 Get out of the car. Please.
01:15:35 STU: W... W... Wait.
01:15:37 [SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
01:15:39 - Listen...
01:15:40 - Okay.
01:15:42 STU: Easy, easy.
01:15:43 PHIL:
01:15:45 - All right, all right.
01:15:48 Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!
01:15:51 - I have whiplash.
01:15:53 Get the fat boy.
01:15:55 ALAN:
01:15:56 PHIL: All right, all right.
01:16:00 I want my purse back, assholes.
01:16:05 - What? Your purse?
01:16:09 It's a purse. Okay?
01:16:13 Wait a second, wait a second.
01:16:16 Okay, you know what?
01:16:17 We don't remember anything
01:16:21 ...so help us out a little here.
01:16:23 Well, apparently you guys met
01:16:28 You were on a heater,
01:16:30 - He ended up winning just under 80 grand.
01:16:34 Okay, that's good.
01:16:35 He put the chips in his purse,
01:16:39 That doesn't sound like us.
01:16:40 Mine had $80,000 inside.
01:16:46 Hey, there are Skittles in there.
01:16:48 Ow! Oh, not again.
01:16:51 [LAUGHING]
01:16:52 Don't let the beard fool you.
01:16:55 It's funny because he's fat.
01:16:57 Now, look, this was obviously
01:17:00 Alan picked up the wrong purse,
01:17:03 Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"
01:17:07 ...he starts screaming like crazy and
01:17:12 What, I did that?
01:17:13 Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,
01:17:16 [PHIL AND STU LAUGH]
01:17:18 - Lucky charm.
01:17:21 [LAUGHING]
01:17:23 Fuck you.
01:17:25 If you want to see your friend again,
01:17:30 - What?
01:17:31 - You have Doug?
01:17:33 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
01:17:35 - Doug!
01:17:38 - Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!
01:17:42 You chill out, goatee!
01:17:44 - Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.
01:17:48 Not so good now.
01:17:51 What?
01:17:52 Look, we're very sorry.
01:17:55 - Alan, where's his purse?
01:17:57 - It's in the hotel room, right?
01:18:00 We can get you the...
01:18:03 No chance. Cash only.
01:18:05 - There's a person in there.
01:18:07 [YAWNS]
01:18:09 Take nap. Come on.
01:18:11 Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!
01:18:13 PHIL: Doug, it's okay.
01:18:16 PHIL: Wait.
01:18:20 Stop.
01:18:22 Stop. Run me over.
01:18:24 - Okay. Whoa. Whoa.
01:18:28 Bring money to Big Rock
01:18:33 - What?
01:18:40 Well, at least take the bag
01:18:46 Oh!
01:18:56 Come on, get out of here.
01:19:03 Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it this
01:19:07 Fuck.
01:19:12 Stu, how much you got in the bank?
01:19:14 About 10 grand.
01:19:16 You're already married,
01:19:19 Besides, enough with Melissa,
01:19:21 Yeah, Doug told me she had sex
01:19:24 It was a bartender on a cruise.
01:19:28 - Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
01:19:33 What are we gonna do?
01:19:36 ALAN:
01:19:37 - Did you find it?
01:19:40 But check this out.
01:20:29 Change only, 10,000.
01:20:35 - Hey, uh, these seats taken?
01:20:43 All right, let's play some blackjack!
01:20:54 [YELLING AND WHOOPING]
01:21:08 That's it. Shut up, bitches.
01:21:15 Hmm.
01:21:19 - I'll stick.
01:21:28 Splitting fives.
01:21:31 - Too many.
01:21:32 [JADE MOANING]
01:21:36 I don't even know you,
01:21:40 - Yes!
01:21:42 Okay, come on.
01:21:46 I think the pit boss is watching him.
01:21:56 [WHOOPING]
01:22:00 [JADE LAUGHING]
01:22:03 [SHRIEKING]
01:22:05 [JADE GROANING]
01:22:06 - Oh, my God.
01:22:08 I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous
01:22:11 - It happens.
01:22:15 - Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.
01:22:18 STU:
01:22:20 - Oh, ow.
01:22:21 JADE: I don't know.
01:22:24 I think you're fine. Let's go.
01:22:25 - Really? Okay.
01:22:28 I'm sorry,
01:22:31 Thanks, buddy. That's for you.
01:22:43 STU:
01:22:46 With all this, that's $82,400.
01:22:49 - Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it.
01:22:53 - Alan, you're the man.
01:22:56 We should come back next week,
01:22:59 Oh, I'm free next week.
01:23:00 Or we could just focus
01:23:04 Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,
01:23:07 But any week after that is totally fine.
01:23:10 I think it's safe to say that our luck
01:23:14 - We are back, baby. We are fucking back.
01:23:19 [SINGING]
01:23:21 PHIL:
01:23:23 We are getting Doug back
01:23:25 And we're the three best friends
01:23:29 We're the three best friends
01:23:32 We're the three best friends
01:23:35 And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever
01:23:38 We're the best three friends
01:23:41 I mean, the three best friends
01:23:44 That's right, the three best friends
01:24:06 PHIL: Now what?
01:24:08 - What signal?
01:24:12 - What's on?
01:24:15 Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles
01:24:19 Phil, just do something.
01:24:22 Fine.
01:24:26 - Oh, shit.
01:24:28 All right, let's go.
01:24:40 [ALAN GRUNTING]
01:24:42 [LAUGHING]
01:24:44 Funny fat guy fall on face.
01:24:46 You okay?
01:24:47 All right, we got the money.
01:24:50 Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.
01:24:53 Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.
01:24:58 Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
01:25:01 Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.
01:25:04 And we would very much appreciate
01:25:09 ...before we give you the money,
01:25:12 - Lf that's cool.
01:25:19 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
01:25:27 - Oh, thank God.
01:25:29 See, he fine. Now give me money...
01:25:32 ...or I shoot him,
01:25:36 And then we take it.
01:25:41 - Give him the money, Stu.
01:25:52 MAN: It's all there.
01:25:58 All right, take it easy. Take it easy.
01:26:01 CHOW:
01:26:02 [STU SHOUTS]
01:26:03 Is this some kind ofjoke?
01:26:06 That is not Doug.
01:26:07 What you talking about, Willis?
01:26:10 No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.
01:26:13 - He... That's...
01:26:17 Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,
01:26:21 Damn, Alan,
01:26:23 - You know him?
01:26:26 - How you doing?
01:26:29 - Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?
01:26:34 - Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?
01:26:38 - Your name's Doug?
01:26:41 His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.
01:26:44 Come on.
01:26:45 - Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug.
01:26:49 No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us
01:26:53 - No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.
01:26:58 Right after you suck on
01:27:01 - Ah. That's nasty.
01:27:05 Unh, pshh.
01:27:06 - So long, gay boys.
01:27:11 DOUG:
01:27:12 Did you ever get any ecstasy?
01:27:14 DOUG:
01:27:16 - Goddamn it!
01:27:19 - Shit!
01:27:29 [PHONE LINE RINGING]
01:27:31 [COUGHS]
01:27:32 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
01:27:34 Phil, where the hell are you guys?
01:27:38 PHIL:
01:27:42 We fucked up.
01:27:44 Thanks for the lift back to town.
01:27:48 - I got a question for you.
01:27:50 How did you wind up in Chow's car?
01:27:52 That crazy asshole
01:27:55 Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
01:27:57 He thought I was with you guys because
01:28:01 - What?
01:28:03 We were shooting craps.
01:28:05 No. No, we don't remember.
01:28:07 Because some dick drug dealer sold him
01:28:13 Ruphylin. There you go with that word.
01:28:17 Wow, you are
01:28:22 Ruphylin, for your information,
01:28:27 Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
01:28:31 Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me
01:28:35 - Whatever.
01:28:38 ...me and my boy, we was wondering
01:28:41 - You know what I'm talking about?
01:28:44 Why not floories, right?
01:28:47 ...you're more likely
01:28:50 What about groundies?
01:28:54 Or, how about rapies?
01:28:56 - Wait, what did you just say?
01:28:59 - Not you. Doug, what did you say before?
01:29:03 No, before that.
01:29:04 You said, "You're more likely to wind up
01:29:09 - Phil.
01:29:12 [GRUNTING]
01:29:14 TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello?
01:29:17 Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?
01:29:20 Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
01:29:22 He's completely out of his mind.
01:29:26 Where's Doug?
01:29:27 STU: He is paying the bill.
01:29:30 We're in a hurry to get back,
01:29:33 - Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
01:29:35 Stu. Fuck.
01:29:37 - What the fuck, man?
01:29:48 STU:
01:29:50 You remember when we saw
01:29:53 - Yeah, we threw it out the window.
01:29:55 - You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.
01:29:59 - Oh, my God!
01:30:01 - Whoa, wait. What's going on?
01:30:05 - Holy shit.
01:30:06 - Wait. How did you figure that out?
01:30:09 - Doug?
01:30:11 - Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on.
01:30:15 Can someone tell me
01:30:17 - He's on the roof, Alan.
01:30:18 He's on the roof. We must have taken him
01:30:22 ...so he'd wake up on the roof.
01:30:25 We moved his sleeping bag
01:30:27 Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.
01:30:29 It's not so funny now, though,
01:30:32 You guys are retarded, you know that?
01:30:34 - Holy shit. You think he's still up there?
01:30:43 PHIL:
01:30:45 Doug!
01:30:47 - Doug!
01:30:53 Where you at, Doug?
01:30:57 Doug!
01:31:02 Hey, guys!
01:31:04 He's over here!
01:31:08 ALAN: Hey, I found him! He's over here!
01:31:14 He's okay.
01:31:15 You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!
01:31:17 Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.
01:31:20 Oh, we have been looking everywhere
01:31:24 - He's alive.
01:31:27 We can explain everything,
01:31:30 - Hey, bud. You okay?
01:31:34 You look good, you got some color.
01:31:37 - I'm getting married today.
01:31:40 That's why you need to focus
01:31:42 Because, frankly,
01:31:46 You fucking asshole!
01:31:48 [GRUNTING]
01:31:49 [WHIMPERING]
01:31:51 Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.
01:31:52 Oh, ow! God.
01:31:54 - It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.
01:31:58 All of you, shut up.
01:32:00 Just get me home.
01:32:02 Mm-hm.
01:32:03 Just get me home.
01:32:06 STU:
01:32:08 You cannot be serious.
01:32:12 Oh, goddamn it.
01:32:14 - What?
01:32:16 - What about Burbank?
01:32:17 Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the
01:32:21 - Alan, where's the car?
01:32:23 You know what?
01:32:25 We can drive there.
01:32:30 Hi.
01:32:32 - Just give me one second.
01:32:38 - Is he missing a tooth?
01:32:40 [LAUGHS]
01:32:42 STU: Hey.
01:32:44 Hey, thanks for helping out last night.
01:32:47 Sure.
01:32:50 Listen, Jade, l...
01:32:52 Look, you don't have to say it.
01:32:55 - This whole thing was stupid.
01:33:00 It was stupid, wasn't it?
01:33:08 - This is yours.
01:33:12 I can't believe I gave my grandmother's
01:33:16 - What was I thinking?
01:33:19 Clearly.
01:33:21 - You did pull out your own tooth.
01:33:25 I pulled out my tooth?
01:33:27 Why did I pull out my own tooth?
01:33:29 Alan bet you
01:33:32 ...to pull out your own tooth.
01:33:34 Okay. Heh.
01:33:38 - Of course he did.
01:33:41 Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.
01:33:45 That's victory, right there.
01:33:47 ALAN:
01:33:49 - It's good. Get in.
01:33:51 - Alan, it's fine. It's down.
01:33:54 PHIL: Jesus Christ. Look out.
01:33:58 You're gonna mess the car up.
01:34:01 - Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
01:34:04 I was thinking maybe I'd come back
01:34:08 Really? Like a date?
01:34:10 Yeah. Like a date.
01:34:15 Sounds good.
01:34:21 - Stu. Come on.
01:34:25 I gotta go. Okay. Bye.
01:34:30 [LAUGHING]
01:34:32 - Bye.
01:34:36 All right, here we go.
01:34:38 - All right, let's go.
01:34:41 Careful.
01:34:59 At least the trip
01:35:02 - What makes you say that?
01:35:06 ...I happened to find $80,000
01:35:10 - Oh!
01:35:12 Looks like we're going home
01:35:16 [ALL WHOOPING]
01:35:31 [HORN HONKING]
01:35:33 ALAN:
01:35:37 - Hey, Neeco!
01:35:40 STU:
01:35:43 - Whoa, look out.
01:35:45 ALAN:
01:35:50 - Thanks, Neeco.
01:35:52 ALAN: Page me!
01:35:54 STU: Who the hell was that guy?
01:36:28 [TIRES SQUEAL]
01:36:32 Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us
01:36:37 [MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"]
01:36:51 [MUSICIANS PLAYING
01:36:59 - How's my hair?
01:37:01 - Is it cool like Phil's?
01:37:10 She looks beautiful, man.
01:37:18 Sorry I'm late.
01:37:21 Vegas.
01:37:28 Where were you?
01:37:32 Honey, it's a long story.
01:37:37 MINISTER:
01:37:39 ...because of the strength of love
01:37:43 All I know is I am so sorry.
01:37:46 And I promise
01:37:49 ...to never, ever put you
01:37:54 Can you forgive me?
01:38:04 [SINGING "CANDY SHOP"]
01:38:32 [CHATTERING]
01:38:42 - Daddy.
01:38:44 Excuse me,
01:38:47 Oh, that's very funny. Come here.
01:38:49 [GROANS]
01:38:50 How was your soccer game?
01:38:51 [CONTINUES SINGING]
01:39:06 [GRUNTS]
01:39:08 - Stu? You avoiding me?
01:39:12 Oh, my God.
01:39:16 Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.
01:39:19 Okay. Ow.
01:39:21 That is disgusting.
01:39:25 Well, there was a snafu
01:39:27 I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
01:39:29 They said they had no record
01:39:33 That's because we didn't go to Napa.
01:39:35 - Stu. What the fuck is going on?
01:39:39 Oh, really? Las Vegas?
01:39:42 My friend was getting married.
01:39:45 - Okay, that's not what you do.
01:39:47 Well, then why did I do it, huh?
01:39:51 Why'd I do it?
01:39:53 All you want me to do
01:39:55 I'm sick of doing what you want.
01:39:57 In a healthy relationship,
01:40:01 - That is not how this works!
01:40:04 Because whatever this is
01:40:07 MELISSA: Oh, really?
01:40:09 Since when?
01:40:10 Since you fucked that waiter
01:40:17 - You told me it was a bartender.
01:40:21 It was a bartender.
01:40:25 You're an idiot.
01:40:26 You're... You...
01:40:27 [GROANS]
01:40:29 You're such a bad person.
01:40:31 Like, all the way through to your core.
01:40:35 Alan, shall we dance?
01:40:39 Let's do this.
01:40:40 [BAND PLAYING "FAME"]
01:40:42 [SINGING "FAME"]
01:40:49 - It was a real pleasure meeting you.
01:40:52 - I'm getting my bartender's license.
01:40:56 No, thank you.
01:41:00 [CONTINUES SINGING]
01:41:05 [CHEERING]
01:41:08 You guys are awe...
01:41:09 [KNOCK ON DOOR]
01:41:10 DOUG: Sid?
01:41:12 - You wanted to see me?
01:41:16 - Congratulations, buddy.
01:41:19 - You had us worried there for a second.
01:41:22 How was Vegas?
01:41:23 It was... Ahem. It was crazy.
01:41:26 Attaboy.
01:41:28 [CHUCKLES]
01:41:32 - Enjoy the car?
01:41:35 - Remember to put Armor All on the tires?
01:41:43 Let me ask you a question.
01:41:49 How can a cake cost $1400?
01:41:54 - Highway robbery.
01:41:58 Sid, ahem, about the car...
01:42:07 Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you.
01:42:14 - Tell me what?
01:42:18 ...can't be trusted.
01:42:21 - Tell me what, Sid?
01:42:24 It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.
01:42:28 - Are you serious?
01:42:32 [LAUGHING]
01:42:40 That is awesome.
01:42:44 Thank you. Oh.
01:42:48 Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.
01:42:50 [WHISPERING] Close the door.
01:42:53 You are awesome.
01:42:57 Yeah.
01:43:06 Dougie...
01:43:08 ...I gotta tell you, man,
01:43:10 - I give it six months.
01:43:14 I don't know what to say.
01:43:19 Yeah. I just wish
01:43:24 - Hey, guys? Look what I found.
01:43:27 - It was in the back seat of the car.
01:43:31 Yeah. Some of it's even worse
01:43:33 - No fucking way. Give me that.
01:43:35 Wait, wait, wait.
01:43:40 We look at these pictures together, okay?
01:43:45 - And then we delete the evidence.
01:43:50 Are you nuts? I wanna find out
01:43:53 - Yeah, it's in there.
01:43:58 - Deal?
01:43:59 - Deal.
01:44:05 Oh, dear Lord!
01:44:07 ALAN:
01:47:49 [ENGLISH SDH]