Hogfather

en
00:00:05 Everything starts somewhere...
00:00:10 ...although many physicists disagree.
00:00:13 There is the the constant desire
00:00:18 Where is the point where it all began?
00:00:39 But much, much later than that,
00:00:42 the Discworld was formed...
00:00:51 ...drifting onwards through space
00:00:55 atop four elephants
00:00:58 on the shell of a giant turtle,
00:01:01 the great A'Tuin.
00:01:24 It was some time after its creation
00:01:27 when most people forgot that
00:01:31 are, sooner or later, about blood.
00:01:37 At least, that's one theory.
00:01:40 The philosopher Didactylos
00:01:46 "Things just happen.
00:01:52 And so our story begins
00:01:55 the twin city of proud Ankh
00:02:01 the biggest city in Discworld,
00:02:04 a city where magic
00:02:07 and where the Tower of Art
00:02:13 looms over
00:02:19 Our story begins
00:02:22 bearing a remarkable similarity
00:02:28 And so it was...
00:02:41 "And then Jack chopped down
00:02:45 adding murder
00:02:48 to the theft, enticement and trespass
00:02:52 and all the giant's children
00:02:55 "But he got away with it
00:02:58 without so much as a guilty twinge,
00:03:00 which proves that you can be excused
00:03:04 if you are a hero, because no one
00:03:10 And now, it's time for bed.
00:03:14 - Susan?
00:03:16 You know last week when we wrote
00:03:19 - Yes?
00:03:24 And whers he coming here?
00:03:27 Does it matter,
00:03:29 Yes.
00:03:32 Well, if you don't believe
00:03:37 - there won't be any presents.
00:03:44 But while children everywhere
00:03:48 in the belief that a jolly fat man
00:03:54 ...not necessarily everyone is
00:04:01 especially in a city
00:04:05 for everything.
00:05:33 The doors are locked.
00:05:39 The dog does not appear
00:05:43 The squeaky floorboards haven't.
00:05:47 I really doubt that you are a ghost,
00:05:49 and gods generally do not announce
00:05:55 You could, of course, be Death,
00:05:59 but I don't believe
00:06:02 Besides, I'm feeling quite well.
00:06:10 Hmm...
00:06:15 Good evening.
00:06:17 Good evening, Lord Downey.
00:06:22 You appear to be a spectre.
00:06:25 Our nature
00:06:27 We offer you a commission.
00:06:31 You wish someone inumed?
00:06:34 Brought to an end.
00:06:37 - Our scale of fees...
00:06:43 - No questions asked, I assume.
00:06:48 But does the suggested fee
00:06:53 The client is heavily guarded?
00:06:56 Not guarded at all,
00:06:58 but almost certainly impossible
00:07:04 We like to know
00:07:07 We are sure you do.
00:07:09 We need to know your name,
00:07:14 in strict client confidentiality,
00:07:18 You may think of us as...
00:07:23 Really? What do you audit?
00:07:27 Everything.
00:07:29 We maintain the logical order
00:07:34 wonk ot deen ew kniht I
00:07:37 We are the people with $3 million.
00:07:39 We need to know where,
00:07:43 The location is not on any map
00:07:48 by sunrise tomorrow.
00:07:51 As for the who,
00:07:54 let us call him... the Fat Man.
00:08:00 But won't he be out on his rounds?
00:08:29 Ho, ho, ho!
00:08:37 Ho, ho, ho!
00:08:40 Is this a joke?
00:08:42 We have no sense of humour.
00:08:46 There are some that say that
00:08:51 He must exist!
00:08:54 How else could you
00:08:59 And many are in correspondence
00:09:06 He would be difficult to find.
00:09:08 You will find persons on any street
00:09:12 who can tell you
00:09:14 Yes, of course, but as you say,
00:09:20 Even then, how would
00:09:26 A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
00:09:29 You misunderstand
00:09:32 How do I misunderstand you exactly?
00:09:35 We pay, you find the ways and means.
00:09:38 - How can I contact you?
00:09:42 We know where you are.
00:10:09 - Winvoe?
00:10:12 Is Mr Teatime still in the building?
00:10:17 Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter!
00:10:20 Up, Tusker. Up, Snouter!
00:10:22 Giddy up!
00:10:26 Wahey!
00:11:11 Go away.
00:11:25 Yes, Twyla?
00:11:27 I'm afraid of the monster
00:11:30 - It's going to eat me up.
00:11:38 Ye gods, there's a girl out here
00:11:43 What are you doing?
00:11:46 Twyla's afraid of the monster
00:11:50 And you're going to attack it
00:11:53 Yes.
00:11:55 - Susars our governess.
00:11:59 Actually, that's a very clever idea.
00:12:03 there's a monster in the cellar,
00:12:06 and make bashing noises
00:12:08 - and everything's alright.
00:12:14 Yes, Mrs Gaiter.
00:12:16 This I've got to watch.
00:12:18 It's not every day you see monsters
00:12:23 Come on.
00:12:28 Come in, Mr Teatime.
00:12:37 Can'ter, just put it on the table
00:12:40 Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'll go
00:12:46 - What?
00:12:49 What visitor?
00:12:51 Oh, for when Mr Tea...
00:13:05 Mr Teatime?
00:13:07 It's pronounced...
00:13:11 Everyone gets it wrong, sir.
00:13:15 How did you get in here?
00:13:17 Easily. I got mildly... scorched
00:13:25 The dog seems to like you.
00:13:30 I get on well with... animals, sir.
00:13:38 I have a report...
00:13:42 ...here that says that you nailed
00:13:49 I couldn't have it barking
00:13:53 - Some people would have drugged it.
00:13:58 But I definitely fulfilled the contract.
00:14:01 I checked Sir George's breathing
00:14:05 Apparently his head was several feet
00:14:10 That was alright, wasrt it, sir?
00:14:15 Lt, erm...
00:14:18 ...lacked elegance.
00:14:22 I thank you, sir!
00:14:24 I'm always happy to be corrected.
00:14:31 It was about the next time
00:14:36 As a matter of interest,
00:14:38 how would you go about inuming
00:15:02 You don't have to worry.
00:15:14 Hah!
00:15:15 Very well done.
00:15:17 Very p-sychological. Clever idea,
00:15:21 I expect you're not afraid any more,
00:15:24 No.
00:15:26 No. Very p-sychological.
00:15:28 Susan says,
00:15:33 Oh, well, er, thank you, Susan.
00:15:36 And now, if you'd all like to come
00:15:39 I mean, the drawing room...
00:15:44 Dashed convincing,
00:15:54 - Have they all gone, Twyla?
00:15:58 Good.
00:16:21 Mind the tail!
00:16:29 That's what we do to monsters.
00:16:31 Now it's back to bed for you,
00:16:40 Difficult, sir.
00:16:42 Certainly.
00:16:44 But I have devoted
00:16:50 You mean you've actually sat down
00:16:53 how to inume the Hogfather?
00:16:55 Why, yes, sir.
00:17:01 And Death, sir.
00:17:06 They're imaginary creatures.
00:17:09 Makes it a challenge.
00:17:13 I suppose I just see things
00:17:21 We may be able to see the complaint
00:17:25 with regard to his dog
00:17:29 and approve your graduation
00:17:36 Take the dark, sir?
00:17:41 Wear black, sir?
00:17:43 If you agree to undertake...
00:17:51 With due elegance, of course.
00:17:54 With elegance guaranteed, sir.
00:18:01 Er, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?
00:18:05 You have... actually applied
00:18:09 of ways of killing Death?
00:18:12 Only as a hobby, sir.
00:18:16 But then some people might say
00:18:22 Everyone has their weak points, sir.
00:18:56 It's gone six. He's not coming.
00:19:00 - Let's go.
00:19:02 Assassins are always
00:19:06 because of style, right?
00:19:08 What's this? You never said anything
00:19:12 It's Teatime. He's paying top rate.
00:19:19 Teatime?
00:19:21 I've heard he's... mental.
00:19:24 And he's got a funny eye.
00:19:27 What I don't understand is...
00:19:35 Good evening.
00:19:44 Do have another drink
00:19:46 while we wait for the other members
00:20:02 Susan, there's a monster
00:20:27 Oh! Ow!
00:20:30 Ow!
00:20:31 That's a wizard.
00:20:34 No, I'm not. I'm incognito.
00:20:38 Yeah, right.
00:20:41 You're just someone in a pointy hat.
00:20:45 Mr Sideney here is indeed a wizard.
00:20:50 This is my brother Banjo.
00:20:53 I didn't want to come!
00:20:55 Mr Sideney's down on his luck
00:20:58 Hence his willingness
00:21:03 So what's the job?
00:21:05 We don't do jobs.
00:21:09 And the service
00:21:15 No one said anything about
00:21:18 Well, I...
00:21:20 Do the voice on it!
00:21:21 - Do the voice on it!
00:21:23 - Not the voice!
00:21:27 - Not the poker!
00:21:29 Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.
00:21:32 What are you, a witch or something?
00:21:35 I'm just... something.
00:21:38 Now, you won't be around here again,
00:21:41 Or we'll put your head
00:21:43 It's got fluffy bunnies on it.
00:21:45 Fluffy bunnies... No!
00:21:48 Go away and stop bothering me.
00:21:54 That wasrt as much fun
00:21:57 the one when you kicked him
00:22:00 Just go to sleep now.
00:22:05 - Locks.
00:22:07 - Who?
00:22:13 And you can help me carry this.
00:22:16 It's rather heavy.
00:22:23 What is this?
00:22:26 This is my brother Banjo.
00:22:32 Does it do tricks?
00:22:36 No.
00:22:37 He can lift two men up in each hand,
00:22:42 Yeah.
00:22:47 He looks like a volcano.
00:22:51 Really?
00:22:53 Wanna be fashionably late, do you?
00:22:57 I do so hope we're gonna be friends,
00:23:02 It really hurts to think
00:23:14 And I suppose
00:23:28 Hello! My name's Violet,
00:23:31 and I have been your tooth fairy
00:24:07 Here, there ain't
00:24:11 Nothing valuable,
00:24:17 Teeth? I know.
00:24:22 My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.
00:24:26 Ernie. Yes, Ernie.
00:24:33 Come along, gentlemen.
00:24:35 This is my friend Ernie.
00:24:43 He's gonna be our driver
00:24:47 Put her in the back, Banjo.
00:24:53 Mister, I ain't rightly allowed
00:24:56 Charlie'd give me
00:24:59 Oh, don't you worry about that.
00:25:05 Our mam said no hitting girls.
00:25:08 Only bad boys do that, our mam said.
00:25:12 Shut it!
00:25:17 Ssh! Ernie here doesn't want
00:25:22 Wh-Wh-Where to, mister?
00:25:25 You know the way, Ernie.
00:25:30 Where the students of magic
00:25:34 on the night before Hogswatch.
00:25:37 It's just a shame we don't have
00:25:40 You want radiation shielding,
00:25:43 Advice from Hex, Bursar. As the
00:25:47 with a thaumic particle accelerator,
00:25:55 Safety first and all that!
00:26:11 Dean, have you seen the Head
00:26:15 I need some urgent advice!
00:26:17 Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
00:26:19 - Er... Hmm...
00:26:23 Well, you see, it all depends...
00:26:33 I don't know...
00:26:35 In my day,
00:26:38 I wouldn't have been studying
00:26:42 It's just not natural.
00:26:53 Bursar?
00:26:56 - Bursar?
00:26:58 - Dean? Oh, there you are.
00:27:02 Members of the faculty, I've decided,
00:27:06 to open up the late Archchancellor
00:27:12 So I don't have
00:27:17 It's unygienic. You can catch stuff.
00:27:24 'Ere, I can't take you lot
00:27:27 Listen, Ernie.
00:27:30 Ern. You will take us through,
00:27:33 or, and I say this
00:27:36 I'll have to kill you.
00:27:45 - If I take you through the wall...
00:27:49 You'll lose your job.
00:27:52 Whereas if you don't, you'll die.
00:27:57 Really, Mustrum,
00:28:01 It said in the plans
00:28:04 You chaps are all acting as if it was
00:28:08 A bathroom designed
00:28:11 The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson
00:28:14 was the worst inventor in the world,
00:28:17 Yes!
00:28:19 Well, not everything he made
00:28:22 That thing they use in the kitchen
00:28:27 The thing with the brass plate
00:28:33 Well, it's only water.
00:28:36 Even old Johnson
00:28:42 Go to it, lad.
00:28:51 - So?
00:28:53 Well, he just chucks it
00:28:56 - and it goes "twing".
00:28:58 May I try?
00:29:05 Oh!
00:29:07 Ain't that nice, our Davey?
00:29:10 Yeah.
00:29:15 And then you just drive forward.
00:29:17 Right. Quick, mind, cos it only
00:29:24 Thank you very much, Ernie,
00:29:26 very much indeed.
00:29:36 Wasrt he dull?
00:29:53 If he's supposed to be
00:29:55 why is he going
00:29:58 The Tooth Fairy?
00:30:01 - Exactly.
00:30:04 - It is.
00:30:09 Once you have their little minds
00:30:12 it's goodbye, Hogfather.
00:30:17 It's him!
00:30:37 - Could I give you a hand?
00:30:44 Oh! Here, your fingers
00:30:48 Sorry.
00:30:50 What did he want to go
00:30:53 I did what he said!
00:30:57 Yes.
00:30:59 I always keep a nip on me
00:31:02 - Keeps me spirits up.
00:31:06 How am I gonna explain all this,
00:31:09 Sorry?
00:31:12 That was very rude of me.
00:31:15 What am I gonna tell people?
00:31:17 Letting some blokes ride off
00:31:20 That's gonna be the sack for sure.
00:31:23 There, at least,
00:31:29 And then again,
00:31:36 So... I'm dead, then.
00:31:39 Correct.
00:31:42 Now, tell me about these blokes
00:31:49 ...and killed you.
00:31:54 Honestly!
00:31:58 He seems to like humans.
00:32:00 So illogical!
00:32:02 But the beauty
00:32:05 is that he can't interfere.
00:32:08 But Death can go everywhere.
00:32:11 No.
00:32:13 Not... quite... everywhere.
00:33:33 Great job,
00:33:35 but you look a right tit
00:34:03 Hello.
00:34:05 My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.
00:34:09 What's yours?
00:34:29 Albert,
00:34:31 something is not right.
00:34:39 Too right.
00:35:14 This is
00:35:16 How can one of them die?
00:35:30 Soul Cake Duck.
00:35:35 The Tooth Fairy.
00:35:41 The Hogfather!
00:35:46 Oh, dear.
00:35:53 Oh, dear, oh, dear!
00:35:57 Albert!
00:36:04 We may not have much time.
00:36:41 Oh, is anybody there?
00:36:53 I don't know what
00:36:58 Ssh.
00:37:01 Questions first.
00:37:03 Babble... later.
00:37:12 Now, Miss Bottler,
00:37:14 I'd like you to think of me...
00:37:25 - How we doing, Mr Modo?
00:37:28 and I've stoked the boilers,
00:37:31 You did read the sign on that door,
00:37:34 You mean the sign which said,
00:37:37 "Do not under any circumstances
00:37:42 Surely it was sealed up for a reason.
00:37:45 Oh, he only wrote that
00:37:49 That's right. That's what people do.
00:37:51 - Don't say I didn't warn you.
00:37:55 I still haven't worked out
00:37:59 Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.
00:38:10 Man the pumps, Mr Modo,
00:38:14 all two of them, of course,
00:38:32 She's a tooth fairy,
00:38:36 Ssh.
00:38:43 Teeth...
00:38:46 What do you expect
00:38:51 It gives me the creeps
00:38:53 You don't have to think.
00:38:59 - All of 'em?
00:39:05 - Put 'em in a pile.
00:39:09 Mr Brown?
00:39:12 I want you to unlock every door
00:39:28 What's this really all about?
00:39:41 Does he believe in things
00:39:46 The Sandman?
00:39:48 The Tooth Fairy?
00:39:52 Yeah.
00:39:54 Even the Hogfather.
00:39:58 Cos after we're finished here,
00:40:19 Onwards, Binky,
00:40:52 The first Hogswatch off
00:40:57 even if I'm going to have the mother
00:41:45 How can the Hogfather bring presents
00:41:50 Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.
00:41:53 Look, you've always believed
00:41:56 - Yes...
00:41:59 - he won't come down the chimney.
00:42:03 And a very small stocking,
00:44:22 Ah, yes. And, erm...
00:44:28 "Ho, ho, ho. "
00:44:44 Ooh!
00:45:10 There's a tap in there
00:45:18 ...which I think perhaps we might
00:45:25 This is...
00:45:35 Any mustard?
00:45:41 Apple sauce.
00:46:00 I'm finding the beard
00:46:03 Well, at least it's keeping you
00:46:07 In character, that sort of thing.
00:46:09 But going down the chimney...
00:46:15 It's gotta be chimbleys, innit, eh?
00:46:22 Would these little buggers
00:46:25 who can walk through walls
00:46:27 Oh, and that reminds me.
00:46:30 The "ho, ho, ho"
00:46:32 if you don't mind me saying so.
00:46:35 Ho, ho, ho?
00:46:38 No, no, no!
00:46:40 No, you've got to put
00:46:43 Er, no offence intended.
00:46:46 You've got to do
00:46:49 you know, like...
00:46:52 Ho, ho, ho!
00:46:54 Like that. See? You've got to
00:46:58 and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,
00:47:00 if you'll pardon my Klatchian.
00:47:03 Really? How do you know all this?
00:47:07 Well, I used to be young myself once,
00:47:11 surprising as it may seem.
00:47:28 - These teeth give me the creeps.
00:47:31 - Why are we piling them all up?
00:47:34 The quicker the teeth are in a pile,
00:47:36 the quicker we're out of here
00:47:39 No one ever laid a punch on Banjo
00:47:44 Tough but fair, your mam.
00:47:46 I recall that time she strangled
00:47:50 Yeah.
00:47:54 Maybe the both of us
00:47:57 Yeah!
00:48:01 I keep thinking about
00:48:04 I keep thinking
00:48:07 Don't worry. He doesn't know
00:48:10 How do you know?
00:48:12 You're still alive.
00:48:19 These damned eyeballs are hard,
00:48:23 They're walnuts, not eyeballs.
00:48:33 I don't want you back in my life.
00:48:37 Don't say you haven't been warned!
00:48:43 Warned?
00:48:51 Ah! Did you check the list?
00:48:53 Couldrt really make head nor tail
00:48:57 I don't normally care
00:49:07 I can feel belief
00:49:12 - What's that?
00:49:15 No, no. It's just where
00:49:18 I mean the situation.
00:49:24 Oh, well. Never say die, master.
00:49:28 That's our motto.
00:49:31 I can't say
00:50:05 You'd better watch out.
00:50:08 Because if the Hogfather
00:50:11 as result of a magical misjudgement
00:50:15 then, you will no longer be
00:50:18 I... understand, sir.
00:50:23 Do you have a lot of friends,
00:50:26 Mr Sideney?
00:50:30 Erm... quite a few, actually.
00:50:35 I don't have many.
00:50:37 Don't seem to have the knack.
00:50:40 On the other hand, I don't seem
00:50:46 Well...
00:50:48 ...it's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.
00:50:53 That is... very... simple...
00:50:59 ...and will make the pile of teeth...
00:51:03 Mr Teatime!
00:51:06 ...dangerous.
00:51:10 Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.
00:51:14 It's supposed to be jolly,
00:51:17 and other things...
00:51:21 It's a time when people are meant
00:51:25 and eat until they explode,
00:51:27 a time when they want to see
00:51:30 I mean, it's a time
00:51:34 and they don't want
00:51:39 especially one, I might add,
00:51:42 and has got a damn cushion
00:51:48 Albert said it would help me
00:51:56 This is a real job,
00:51:58 and I was looking forward
00:52:01 where normal things happen
00:52:04 in a normal house,
00:52:06 and suddenly,
00:52:09 I don't know what's going on,
00:52:18 Oh!
00:52:19 Albert.
00:52:20 Buggery.
00:52:23 Master?
00:52:24 I'm stuck.
00:52:27 The pixie.
00:52:31 Oh, come along in, do. If the real
00:52:35 there's not going to be
00:52:37 - Oh...
00:52:42 So what have you turned up for?
00:52:46 I will add that outfit
00:52:57 The Hogfather is... unavailable.
00:53:03 - At Hogswatch?
00:53:07 Why?
00:53:09 He is...
00:53:11 Let me see.
00:53:15 There isn't
00:53:18 so, let's settle for...
00:53:27 ...gone.
00:53:34 Yes. He is gone.
00:54:00 How can the Hogfather be gone?
00:54:06 Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.
00:54:11 He has become
00:54:14 And while he's gone,
00:54:25 I see the girl writes
00:54:30 with a mouse in the corner.
00:54:34 The mouse is wearing a dress.
00:54:36 She decided to do that so that the
00:54:41 including the deliberate bad
00:54:45 She says she is five years old.
00:54:47 Seven. In cynicism, she's about 35.
00:54:52 But she believes in the Hogfather.
00:54:55 She'd believe in anything
00:54:58 But you're not going to leave
00:55:05 And what are you doing here, Albert?
00:55:07 I thought you'd die
00:55:11 Ah, but we are not in the world.
00:55:15 We are in the special congruent reality
00:55:22 Normal rules have to be suspended.
00:55:25 How else could anyone get around
00:55:29 That's right. I'm one of
00:55:33 It's official.
00:55:35 I've got the little pointy green hat
00:55:39 Have you been good, have you?
00:55:41 Now we must be going.
00:55:43 Happy Hogswatch.
00:55:45 And, er... Oh, yes.
00:55:50 Ho, ho, ho.
00:55:54 It's a nice drop of sherry, this.
00:55:57 You've actually been drinking
00:56:00 little children leave
00:56:04 Well, yeah. Why not? He won't
00:56:08 Eh?
00:56:11 How many have you had, may I ask?
00:56:14 Hmm? Well, I dunno.
00:56:17 One million, eight hundred thousand,
00:56:23 And sixty- eight thousand,
00:56:28 And one turnip.
00:56:30 Oh, yeah.
00:56:38 But then, everything does
00:56:42 Why are you doing this?
00:56:48 I am sorry, I cannot tell you.
00:56:51 Forget you saw me.
00:56:55 Not my business? How can you say...
00:56:57 You wanted to be normal.
00:57:00 Good night, granddaughter.
00:57:04 Sleep tight.
00:57:06 I know I shall. Pardon.
00:57:24 There are a lot of doors.
00:57:31 This isn't the room
00:57:34 Just teeth in here.
00:57:36 Keep going, Mr Brown.
00:57:41 Ohh!
00:57:52 Susan will try to find out
00:57:56 Oh, dear.
00:57:58 Especially after you told her not to.
00:58:01 You think so?
00:58:03 Oh, yes.
00:58:06 Dear me! I still have
00:58:11 Oh, I dunno.
00:58:13 Obviously it would be quite wrong
00:58:17 That is why, you will recall,
00:58:20 I clearly forbade her
00:58:22 Yes, yes, you did.
00:58:26 - Besides, it's against the rules.
00:58:30 because she likes to break 'em,
00:58:32 You might think
00:58:36 but I couldn't possibly comment.
00:58:38 Oh.
00:58:42 And we have much to do. We have
00:58:46 Right.
00:58:55 Has he done something
01:00:32 Binky.
01:00:43 Can she be eliminated?
01:00:45 Oh, yes. She's mostly human.
01:00:48 Oh, good.
01:00:49 Then, can we go back to just
01:00:53 making sure that gravity works
01:00:56 Yes, when there's not an atom of belief
01:01:02 And the Hogfather
01:01:10 What are you looking for, Mustrum?
01:01:12 My father always said,
01:01:15 when you see a lot of people
01:01:18 the Verruca Gnome is running around
01:01:21 Modo!
01:01:24 Any sign of the Verruca Gnome
01:02:17 Welcome home, Susan.
01:02:21 I don't do family reunions.
01:03:09 Sandman.
01:03:11 Soul Cake Duck.
01:03:14 Tooth Fairy.
01:03:24 The Hogfather!
01:03:31 Grandfather, what have you done?
01:03:42 This cushion is still uncomfortable.
01:03:46 You're doing well, master.
01:03:48 Soot in the fireplaces,
01:03:54 ...sleigh tracks all over the roofs.
01:03:59 You think so?
01:04:00 Oh, yeah.
01:04:03 "Ho, ho, ho," will do.
01:04:06 Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!"
01:04:11 Oh. Really?
01:04:13 Hmm.
01:04:15 So many chimneys...
01:04:18 It would be so much quicker
01:04:21 If we're gonna give Susan
01:04:25 the little perishers
01:04:29 Er, I mean the Hogfather.
01:04:32 So you've got to look the part,
01:04:36 I tell you what'd be really good
01:04:40 is a public appearance.
01:04:43 Oh, I don't normally do them.
01:04:46 Yeah, but the Hogfather's
01:04:50 I tell you what, one good public
01:04:54 than any amount of letting the kids
01:04:57 Really?
01:05:00 And I know just the place.
01:05:31 Thank you very much indeed.
01:05:42 Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?
01:05:45 - Yes, Mr Crumley.
01:05:51 Let's go... sleigh them.
01:05:57 I don't know if you noticed, Albert,
01:06:01 but that was a pune,
01:06:04 - or play on words.
01:06:26 Oh!
01:06:40 Stop it, stop it, stop it!
01:06:42 You're frightening
01:06:45 - Wow, they got tusks! Cool!
01:06:50 It's the Campaign for Equal Heights
01:06:54 They're out to ruin me! That's it!
01:06:56 I don't mind the smell of the oranges
01:07:00 but I ain't putting up with this!
01:07:04 And he's not even doing it right!
01:07:12 What's going on here, then? Eh?
01:07:15 Come on!
01:07:19 Who are you?
01:07:20 You can call me Uncle Heavy.
01:07:23 - You're not a pixie.
01:07:27 Now, just ssh! Keep quiet!
01:07:30 And what do you want for Hogswatch,
01:07:58 The autobiographies write down
01:08:01 as it happens.
01:08:03 I know.
01:08:06 But I can't read this.
01:08:10 Oh, so I suppose now you'll be
01:08:16 Ethereal runes.
01:08:26 Er, I suppose a bit of warm liver's
01:08:50 What's your game?
01:08:53 You ain't supposed
01:08:55 I'm a wizard! We can see things
01:08:59 Er, what's in this bag?
01:09:01 You'll really wish you hadrt,
01:09:04 Oh, will I?
01:09:07 Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?
01:09:09 Well, it's sort of like
01:09:12 - You take things away?
01:09:16 More sort of bring.
01:09:19 - Ah. Right, new teeth.
01:09:22 Ugh!
01:09:25 Oh, you're him.
01:09:29 I saw your piggy do a wee.
01:09:32 Oh?
01:09:34 Well... good.
01:09:36 It had a great big...
01:09:38 - What do you want for Hogswatch?
01:09:45 I want an army and a big castle
01:09:48 with an active drawbridge
01:09:53 I think they're supposed
01:09:56 Are you sure? People don't normally.
01:10:00 No, I meant to the Hogfather,
01:10:12 - Sorry.
01:10:14 You are supposed to say thank you.
01:10:18 'Nk you.
01:10:20 And be good.
01:10:23 - Yes.
01:10:32 - Ah, verrucas, eh?
01:10:37 - Do you mean you don't know?
01:10:39 Suddenly I wake up
01:10:42 Why, how strange!
01:10:45 Anyway...
01:10:48 It's even got a special
01:10:52 - For your toenail clippings?
01:10:57 Get hold of something
01:11:00 hair, teeth,
01:11:05 I mean, that's real old magic.
01:11:08 Children of the world,
01:11:11 prepare to think as you are told.
01:11:20 Mr Sideney?
01:11:23 Your big... no-misjudgements
01:11:49 You can't give her that!
01:11:52 It's a sword.
01:11:56 - But she's a child!
01:11:59 What if she cuts herself?
01:12:02 That will be an important lesson.
01:12:08 Really?
01:12:09 Oh, well.
01:12:16 And she doesn't want
01:12:19 And anyway, I can't afford
01:12:25 I thought I gave it away.
01:12:28 - You do?
01:12:31 You don't! That's our merchandise!
01:12:37 Hogswatch isn't about giving
01:12:40 I mean,
01:12:44 but you have to buy them first.
01:12:48 You mean... this is all... free?
01:12:54 Lt... would seem... to be.
01:13:05 So, Mr Stibbons,
01:13:07 this thing's a great big
01:13:10 You could think of it like that.
01:13:12 Of course, Hex doesn't
01:13:16 - It just appears to be thinking.
01:13:18 You mean it gives the impression
01:13:23 - Er, yes.
01:13:27 I knew I'd come here for something.
01:13:30 Now, this little chappie
01:13:33 is the Verruca Gnome...
01:13:37 ...who's just popped into existence
01:13:41 being the most magical night
01:13:44 Last year's occult rubbish
01:13:47 I thought you chaps
01:13:49 The Verruca Gnome?
01:13:51 Well, it makes about as much sense
01:13:55 After all, there's a Tooth Fairy,
01:13:58 Makes one wonder why
01:14:02 and not a god of hangovers.
01:14:07 Anyone hear a noise just then?
01:14:10 Sorry, Archchancellor?
01:14:12 A sort of...
01:14:16 Like a lot of,
01:14:19 I didn't hear anything like that, sir.
01:14:21 Oh. Well, where was I? Erm...
01:14:26 Yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever
01:14:32 I've never heard of me
01:14:36 Well, erm, we'll see what Hex
01:14:42 Good man.
01:14:51 Amazing!
01:14:57 Now we should be able to get
01:15:11 None of this is right. Everyone knows
01:15:14 who hands out presents to kids.
01:15:17 He wasrt always so jolly.
01:15:19 - You know how it is.
01:15:22 Well, it's like, you know,
01:15:26 Even gods have to move
01:15:29 You see, your Hogfather
01:15:31 was probably just
01:15:36 you know, blood on the snow,
01:15:39 So there has to be blood
01:15:42 Hmm! Well, it starts off
01:15:46 hunt some big, hairy animal
01:15:49 very folkloric, very... mythic.
01:15:54 Didrt stop at animals, neither.
01:15:56 They had sacred kings,
01:16:00 died at the dark time of year
01:16:06 And in a way,
01:16:15 - And then?
01:16:19 "Looks like that damn sun
01:16:22 so how come we're giving
01:16:25 The world moves on,
01:16:29 So he started as an animal sacrifice
01:16:33 Exactimundo.
01:16:35 And now he gives out presents.
01:16:43 Top of the evenir, squire.
01:16:47 I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch,
01:16:52 I want you to arrest him!
01:16:56 - Arrest who, sir?
01:17:01 What for, sir?
01:17:03 He's sitting up there as bold as brass
01:17:09 ...giving away presents!
01:17:13 Not quite up to speed here, sir.
01:17:15 I thought the Hogfather
01:17:19 But this one's... an impostor!
01:17:23 You know, I always thought that.
01:17:25 I thought, the Hogfather spends
01:17:30 in some shop in Ankh-Morpork,
01:17:35 He's not the Hogfather
01:17:42 You mean a different impostor?
01:17:47 Yes!
01:17:49 No!
01:17:51 Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?
01:17:54 - Yes!
01:17:58 - Yes.
01:18:00 In front of all these kiddies?
01:18:03 Yes!
01:18:05 - In your shop?
01:18:08 You think...
01:18:14 Difficult to see
01:18:17 Could you not do it...
01:18:23 Oh, well! Yes.
01:18:27 Surreptition. Yes.
01:18:36 You won't find me ungrateful.
01:18:45 In Omnia, we call Hogswatch Night
01:18:50 But it is not an occasion
01:18:53 and crass commercialism.
01:18:55 I used to hang up my stocking
01:19:01 All that ever happened
01:19:08 I'm going in.
01:19:25 There seems to be a thaumic surge
01:19:29 It's as if something is triggering
01:19:38 It's the expression
01:19:43 Yeah, a sort of cross
01:19:47 They don't know whether to laugh,
01:19:50 Yes. Now, that is what I call belief.
01:19:56 Next.
01:19:58 And what's your name, little...
01:20:03 ...person?
01:20:04 Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.
01:20:07 And have you been a good bo...?
01:20:12 A good individual?
01:20:16 Yes.
01:20:22 So why isn't it working?
01:20:24 Er, the chalk...
01:20:27 you know, when we were piling up
01:20:31 - You're sure that's what it is?
01:20:35 What about the spell?
01:20:36 That'll go on forever.
01:20:39 It's just a state change,
01:20:47 It just keeps going.
01:20:49 That's very good, Mr Sideney.
01:20:51 Because if the sympathetic magic
01:20:55 you will find me very...
01:20:59 ...unsympathetic.
01:21:04 What happened? What happened?
01:21:06 Ah, it's disgusting,
01:21:10 It is the worship of idols!
01:21:16 It's a genuine
01:21:20 double-action
01:21:23 with a polished-walnut stock
01:21:32 Arert we going to arrest
01:21:37 You're foreign, Washpot.
01:21:39 I can't expect you to know
01:21:45 On the whole, I think
01:21:49 Yes, master.
01:21:51 And I think I've got the laugh
01:21:54 - Ho, ho, ho!
01:21:59 Tomorrow morning,
01:22:02 They'd better.
01:22:04 Because if they don't, then,
01:22:11 So for the sun to come up tomorrow,
01:22:15 Precise-amente.
01:22:20 But what if he's dead?
01:22:43 And this was gonna be
01:23:04 It's him!
01:23:12 Such a shame!
01:23:14 Pretty lights...
01:23:32 Think... happy, Banjo.
01:23:49 Wake up! Wake up!
01:23:54 He was at the Castle of Bones.
01:24:14 You're not the Hogfather.
01:24:20 There must be thousands here.
01:24:24 What's all this stuff?
01:24:28 They're title deeds to properties,
01:24:33 So if we steal them,
01:24:37 Is that a trick question?
01:24:41 Anyway, let's get going.
01:24:45 He won't miss a few, er...
01:24:48 - Gentlemen.
01:24:53 We were just... piling up the stuff.
01:25:00 Hah!
01:25:09 Hmm! I know people say
01:25:12 I'd kill them
01:25:15 In fact, I'd much rather kill you
01:25:22 You're thinking
01:25:25 That's how its always been, isn't it?
01:25:28 But Banjo's my friend now.
01:25:31 Banjo has the heart...
01:25:35 And believe, I have, too.
01:25:39 Help him, Banjo.
01:25:42 As far as this goes,
01:25:47 It's only pillow money.
01:25:50 Something much more... interesting
01:26:20 Albert...
01:26:23 I don't see the Hogfather as someone
01:26:51 Drop him.
01:26:57 Control. Control the inner child,
01:27:01 and it'll even give you its teeth.
01:27:04 And somewhere in this tower,
01:27:07 you're gonna help me find someone
01:27:12 ...who can use it to...
01:27:32 So, is he saying
01:27:35 Don't be so bloody stupid!
01:27:42 Daddy?
01:27:47 I say... It's not what you think!
01:27:51 Yes, it is.
01:28:20 Mr Brown?
01:28:23 There's one door you haven't found.
01:28:26 Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room.
01:28:33 ...then, just think what
01:29:55 - Are you alright?
01:30:03 I think you may have come
01:30:08 - Oh, my head...
01:30:13 I feel awful! Have you got any ice?
01:30:25 Duty calls.
01:30:27 Yeah, but which one?
01:30:50 Happy Hogswatch, everybody!
00:00:22 ...although many physicists disagree.
00:00:26 There is the constant desire
00:00:31 Where is the point
00:00:45 But much, much later than that,
00:00:48 the Discworld was formed.
00:01:01 Drifting onwards through space
00:01:04 atop four elephants
00:01:08 the great A'Tuin.
00:01:32 It was some time after its creation
00:01:35 when most people forgot that the very
00:01:38 are, sooner or later, about blood.
00:01:45 At least, that's one theory.
00:01:48 The philosopher Didactylos has
00:01:54 "Things just happen.
00:02:02 Our story began in Ankh-Morpork,
00:02:05 the twin city of proud Ankh
00:02:10 the biggest city in Discworld,
00:02:13 a city where magic
00:02:17 and where the Tower of Art
00:02:22 looms over
00:02:27 Our story continues in the middle
00:02:33 a midwinter festival,
00:02:36 bears a remarkable similarity
00:02:39 that now takes us
00:02:44 where magic has made childrers teeth
00:02:50 so that our story
00:02:55 about blood.
00:03:00 Mr Teatime!
00:03:16 There you are. I've unlocked it.
00:03:25 And Banjo's opened it.
00:03:42 I'm not telling you anything.
00:03:47 I'm glad you asked.
00:03:51 Oh. You mean the one
00:03:55 and the, kind of,
00:03:58 Sorry, no. Not that one.
00:04:01 I'm the one
00:04:04 and kills you, stone dead.
00:04:07 Oh. Oh, that one. But that's not...
00:04:15 Rather a charitable act there,
00:04:20 But it is nearly Hogswatch after all.
00:04:34 Bring me the girl.
00:04:43 Odd.
00:04:45 Oh. It's a scythe job, then.
00:04:55 They took the teeth. All of them.
00:04:58 They just walked in
00:05:00 and they... they...
00:05:06 - Where did he come from?
00:05:12 Well, even if you could go there,
00:05:14 we've got our work cut out here
00:05:18 If what's happening in the
00:05:23 then, everything we've been doing
00:05:30 And if they get to the Tooth Fairy,
00:05:33 they will be able to control
00:05:42 Unless Susan gets there first.
00:05:52 Yes, well, it's coming along well.
00:06:14 - I need your help, Mr Ridcully.
00:06:20 Yes. The scythe, the cloak,
00:06:27 I need you to wake him up.
00:06:32 His name's Bilious.
00:06:36 He's the Oh God of Hangovers.
00:06:42 Something nasty's happening tonight.
00:06:46 but he's got to be able
00:06:49 And you brought him here?
00:07:00 Why are you doing this?
00:07:01 - I was behind with the teeth...
00:07:04 Don't know. There was nearly $13
00:07:06 - in pillow money owing.
00:07:08 But I filed the form...
00:07:09 Will you just shut up
00:07:12 I don't know.
00:07:15 Then, your boss
00:07:18 how irritating you are.
00:07:21 Come out, come out,
00:07:24 Or Miss Bottler gets it.
00:07:26 It was only a bit of loose change!
00:07:31 10 Scrote...
00:07:36 Have you got the list?
00:07:40 This is really, really stupid.
00:07:44 I think the tradition got started
00:07:47 when everybody had them big
00:07:52 Indeed. It's only a mercy it's unlit.
00:08:13 Oof!
00:08:28 The boy wants a pair of trousers
00:08:30 that he doesn't have to share,
00:08:32 a huge meat pie,
00:08:35 a sugar mouse,
00:08:37 a lot of toys
00:08:41 and a puppy called Scruff.
00:08:45 Aw, how sweet.
00:08:49 Cos what he's getting, you see,
00:08:53 - and an apple.
00:08:56 I know.
00:09:00 I mean, the world would be
00:09:03 if everybody got what they asked for?
00:09:05 I gave them what they wanted
00:09:08 What good is a god that
00:09:12 - You have me there.
00:09:14 No, it's the hope that's important.
00:09:22 Oh, yes.
00:09:24 It's a big part of belief,
00:09:28 I mean,
00:09:31 and they'll just sit there
00:09:33 But jam tomorrow? Ah, no.
00:09:38 And you mean that because of this,
00:09:40 the poor get poor things
00:09:44 Well, yeah. It's the meaning
00:09:48 But I'm the Hogfather!
00:09:53 At the moment, I mean.
00:09:56 Well, it makes no difference. Hmm.
00:09:59 I remember when I was a nipper.
00:10:04 It was one Hogswatch, it was...
00:10:07 ...and I had my heart set on this...
00:10:11 ...huge model horse in this shop.
00:10:16 It was what I always wanted.
00:10:20 Someone was in there, buying it,
00:10:25 I thought it really was
00:10:33 But it wasrt.
00:10:35 I spent hours with me nose
00:10:40 till someone heard me calling
00:10:45 Yes, I would've killed
00:10:52 I still hung up my stocking
00:10:56 And do you know why? Cos I had hope!
00:11:01 Yeah. And the next morning,
00:11:05 our dad had put in my stocking
00:11:12 that he had carved his very own self.
00:11:16 Ah, and that was won'th more
00:11:18 than all the expensive toy horses
00:11:22 No, cos you're a selfish little
00:11:26 It's only grown-ups
00:11:29 This is wrong.
00:11:31 It is... unfair.
00:11:34 Well, that's life, innit, master, eh?
00:11:38 But I'm not.
00:11:42 This is supposed to be
00:11:47 - Hmm.
00:12:20 Please.
00:12:22 Just take her out of vocal range.
00:12:30 Mr Brown.
00:12:32 Your big moment.
00:12:37 Break me out the real Tooth Fairy.
00:12:46 Oh, come along, lad.
00:12:51 If you're the Lecturer
00:12:53 can't you do something
00:12:56 Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor
00:12:59 You would end up with a large beaker
00:13:05 It's not difficult at all,
00:13:10 Tell me about the side effects.
00:13:12 Well, the main one is
00:13:15 would end up
00:13:20 - Alive?
00:13:23 Living tissue, certainly.
00:13:31 Why don't we just mix up
00:13:36 and see what happens?
00:13:41 It's got to be won'th a try.
00:13:54 Ah. Thank you, my dear. A-ha!
00:13:57 Will this take much longer?
00:14:00 Oh, you can't be too careful.
00:14:22 - What's that?
00:14:26 The hottest sauce in the universe.
00:14:29 And it'll blow your head clean off.
00:14:32 It's not safe to drink if the sweat
00:14:42 On the other hand,
00:14:47 then, we are, given the possibility
00:14:53 ...probably onto a winner.
00:15:11 I wonder if it's gone critical yet.
00:15:35 I don't know.
00:15:37 I wish you fellas
00:16:07 Careful, Archchancellor!
00:16:10 What you have there
00:16:16 I'll try it.
00:17:16 You did say he was immortal,
00:17:21 - And you mean... he just appeared?
00:17:25 He has no memory of existing before
00:17:29 You mean, like this fellow?
00:17:32 Don't be ridiculous. Gods and gnomes
00:17:41 Bring me, let's see,
00:17:44 20 pints of lager, some pepper vodka
00:17:49 I didn't have you sobered up
00:17:53 - You don't drink.
00:17:57 - I need you to help me.
00:17:59 I'm afraid I did it, didn't I?
00:18:02 I, erm, I said something
00:18:05 about drinking and hangovers,
00:18:08 You mean you created it
00:18:11 Oh, I find that
00:18:13 Good job nobody mentioned
00:18:17 I am not losing my hair.
00:18:21 It is just very finely spaced.
00:18:23 Yes, half on your head
00:18:28 For the last time, I am not...
00:18:34 I wish I knew
00:18:37 We need a bigger brain for this.
00:18:42 That thinking engine of yours
00:18:45 Er, Hex is resting, Archchancellor.
00:18:49 Can you hear me in there?
00:18:55 You don't have to shout,
00:18:58 What is that "ning-ning, ning-ning,
00:19:30 It says, "Look at the Dean. "
00:19:35 "Look at the... Dean. "
00:19:40 Is there a problem?
00:19:50 - Are you the Hair Loss Fairy?
00:19:53 What have you been doing
00:19:58 Just a minute. Where exactly were you
00:20:02 Anywhere where drink had been
00:20:06 - sometime previously, you could say.
00:20:09 - You were an imminent vital force?
00:20:14 What is that?
00:20:16 So, when we joked
00:20:19 it suddenly focused
00:20:26 You're calling things into being.
00:20:29 I personally have always wondered
00:20:33 You know how there's always
00:20:45 Ah! To the laundry!
00:20:52 Tell me again who these people are.
00:20:55 Some of the cleverest men
00:20:57 And I'm sober, am I?
00:21:10 What is that ridiculous thing
00:21:13 I don't know, sir!
00:21:19 What? What is it?
00:21:23 "If found, please return
00:21:27 Well, thank goodness
00:21:31 Tooth Fairy?
00:21:33 Oh, you see her around a lot
00:21:37 It's a sort of franchise operation
00:21:38 to collect childrers teeth
00:21:41 And she has a castle.
00:21:47 Actually, I do remember one thing.
00:21:52 When I appeared
00:21:54 there was this drunken little fellow
00:21:58 I thought it was
00:22:01 but he did mention something
00:22:04 ...permanent end of perpetual
00:22:08 of all fantasy personifications!
00:22:13 Including the Tooth Fairy.
00:22:19 Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
00:22:40 Is he alright?
00:22:43 I say,
00:22:46 what is the geographical location
00:22:50 - Now I'm feeling normal, can I come?
00:22:55 Look, I think I'd better tell you.
00:22:58 - My grandfather is Death.
00:23:01 Death. You know, death. The robes,
00:23:06 Death. But at the moment,
00:23:09 I want to make sure
00:23:11 You think your grandfather is Death
00:23:16 Look, Death adopted my mother.
00:23:20 They fell in love and I'm the result.
00:23:22 This is fascinating.
00:23:24 Let's say I picked up a few strange
00:23:38 - Now, that looks dangerous.
00:23:50 - Wait! I could help you!
00:23:55 Er, yes. I could be sick on people.
00:24:18 Shoo! Shoo!
00:24:32 Whoa!
00:24:37 - There he is! Watch yourselves!
00:24:42 We can't have creatures
00:24:44 just because people
00:24:48 Unygienic.
00:24:57 So, what is
00:25:02 "Humans have always ascribed
00:25:05 random, seasonal, natural
00:25:10 to human-shaped entities. "
00:25:16 "Such examples are the Hogfather,
00:25:21 Well, that's all very well,
00:25:25 an Eater of Socks
00:25:28 I think it works like this.
00:25:31 What we're getting
00:25:34 - just like Hex said.
00:25:37 I mean, when you're a kiddie,
00:25:40 it's as good an explanation as any
00:25:45 But why is it happening now?
00:25:50 "Beliefs causing new creatures
00:25:55 You could put it like that.
00:25:58 "There's a finite quantity of belief
00:26:03 Well, certainly people
00:26:07 "It follows that if a major focus
00:26:13 there will be spare belief. "
00:26:16 Alright, then. Well, I just don't...
00:26:18 What are people not believing in
00:26:25 "Out of cheese error. "
00:26:27 "Melon. Melon. Melon. "
00:26:31 "Redo from start. "
00:26:36 It's Hogswatch. I suppose
00:26:44 I like this job.
00:26:51 Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:26:54 Excuse me.
00:27:05 Yes. This will show them.
00:27:15 But Poor Little Match Girl
00:27:19 is all part of the spirit
00:27:23 You see, people hear about it
00:27:26 "We might be as poor
00:27:29 and only can afford
00:27:32 but see how much better off we are
00:27:36 That makes them happy
00:27:41 I know what the spirit of Hogswatch
00:28:03 You're not allowed to do that.
00:28:07 The Hogfather can.
00:28:12 There's no better present
00:28:32 That's it. I've had enough
00:28:41 I'm waiting for the Hogfather.
00:28:45 I'm in the dark,
00:28:50 Me. A believer in natural philosophy.
00:28:54 I can find the square root of 27.4
00:29:02 I shouldn't be doing this.
00:29:05 It's not as if
00:29:08 There'd be some point if...
00:29:42 Take her somewhere warm
00:29:45 And I may well be checking up later.
00:29:52 Looks like we've been chosen
00:29:56 Well, I don't call it
00:29:59 just dumping someone
00:30:02 I dunno. Some people wouldn't know
00:30:06 if it jumped up
00:30:29 No!
00:30:59 This is a child's painting.
00:31:09 Twyla paints like that.
00:31:16 I painted like that.
00:31:19 Grandfather saved some of my draw...
00:31:26 Come on. Let's find the house.
00:31:30 - What house?
00:31:37 I was told you were
00:31:41 Locks don't generally
00:31:43 while you're working on them,
00:31:48 Are you the best or not?
00:32:00 No! Not the dark!
00:32:11 Banjo.
00:32:13 I'm getting out of here.
00:32:15 There's something wrong
00:32:18 I made a big pile.
00:32:21 Do you want to come with me?
00:32:24 It's pretty here.
00:32:33 Mr Sideney.
00:32:51 Would he deliver to apes
00:32:57 Interesting point, sir.
00:32:59 Possibly you're referring
00:33:02 that humans may have descended
00:33:06 which, if the Grants Committee
00:33:09 to letting me hire a boat
00:33:17 I just thought he might deliver
00:33:35 Let me see, now.
00:33:44 Who the hell are you?
00:33:46 I'm the Hogfather, of course.
00:33:49 Erm... ho, ho, ho.
00:33:52 You look extremely thin in the face.
00:33:55 I... I'm, er... I'm a bit ill.
00:33:59 Oh.
00:34:03 Terminally, I would say.
00:34:07 A- ha! It's a false beard.
00:34:09 - No, it's not.
00:34:12 That must've given you
00:34:20 It's a pillow!
00:34:40 I thought there were seven locks.
00:34:42 Yeah, but they're half magic,
00:34:46 There's parts of 'em don't exist
00:34:48 I thought you could
00:34:52 Made by humans and most dwarves.
00:34:56 You never said anything
00:35:00 That's a shame.
00:35:03 Then, really, I have no more need
00:35:06 - You may as well go back home.
00:35:09 Of course.
00:35:16 You must think I was born yesterday,
00:35:18 I'm leaving with what's coming to me
00:35:22 Banjo certainly ain't. I knew
00:35:27 You think you're nasty?
00:35:30 Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off
00:35:34 Cocky little devil.
00:35:41 I remember you
00:35:44 - I used to sit you on my knees.
00:35:52 There you are.
00:35:53 Where's all these
00:35:55 It's giving me the creeps!
00:35:58 Oh, yeah? So it wasrt you who said,
00:36:03 But I didn't know there'd be all
00:36:07 It's like dealing with a child!
00:36:28 Poor guy must have slipped.
00:36:38 Yeah. Slipped.
00:36:54 That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?
00:37:31 - It's teeth.
00:37:36 There's nothing that scary
00:37:39 Did I say I was scared?
00:37:51 - Oh, no.
00:37:54 Oi!
00:37:57 - Surely no one would try to...
00:38:03 It's such old magic,
00:38:07 If you've got a piece of someone's
00:38:12 you can control them.
00:38:15 Don't tell me someone's...
00:38:17 - What's that shadow?
00:38:30 And it's protecting itself.
00:38:36 So, what happened
00:38:41 Well...
00:38:44 ...the Hogfather has enemies.
00:38:48 What did he do, miss a chimney?
00:39:00 There's, er, there's people
00:39:04 Well, just do away with them.
00:39:06 Well, er, one of them's a girl.
00:39:10 Then, do away with them... politely.
00:39:16 Keep going. Quicker.
00:40:04 It's after me!
00:40:07 Let me out!
00:40:10 - What was that?
00:40:22 Let me out! It's after me!
00:40:25 Pull yourself together.
00:40:28 Look around.
00:40:35 I thought it was the... wardrobe.
00:40:41 What wardrobe?
00:40:46 When I was a kid,
00:40:48 we had this big... wardrobe.
00:40:51 And it had this... this...
00:40:55 On the door, it had this face!
00:40:57 And at night, it...
00:41:03 ...whispered things.
00:41:08 Who's that moving up there?
00:41:12 I think they saw us.
00:41:15 there's been a really stupid
00:41:49 Right. You go that way,
00:41:52 - Why don't we stay together?
00:42:05 This is a childrers place.
00:42:09 - Well, that's a relief.
00:42:11 It's impossible to die here.
00:42:12 My grandfather doesn't figure
00:42:15 That man who fell down the stairs
00:42:18 Oh, you die. But not here.
00:42:21 You go somewhere else. Away.
00:42:27 - Arert you Susan?
00:42:30 When you came for Twyla's last tooth,
00:42:33 - Oh, yes, and I saw...
00:42:37 Is this... the Tooth Fairy?
00:42:40 A tooth fairy.
00:42:45 Do you... drink at all?
00:42:48 No, I don't.
00:42:52 Not touch alcohol at all?
00:42:55 Never. My dad's very strict
00:43:03 Nice castle.
00:43:07 Can we get on? Good.
00:43:10 I don't know.
00:43:13 OK. You two stay here.
00:43:16 And I'll look after Violet.
00:43:32 That's the fourth lock open.
00:43:35 I commend your expertise.
00:43:51 Do you know exactly what's in here,
00:43:58 Logically, if you're the guardian
00:44:03 and this is your castle
00:44:06 and I come across as securely locked
00:44:11 ...then, not to
00:44:16 ...lack elegance.
00:44:22 What's that sound?
00:44:24 - What sound?
00:44:26 Like old scissors scraping.
00:44:32 Have you ever heard of the Auditors?
00:44:37 Well, I suppose
00:44:41 Not auditors of money.
00:44:44 Auditors of reality.
00:44:47 They are the civil service
00:44:51 And they want to get rid of us?
00:44:56 They want humans
00:45:01 The Hogfather is a symbol of this.
00:45:08 Strange thinking.
00:45:12 They hate the way humans
00:45:15 I can't think why.
00:45:18 And you, why are you doing this job?
00:45:21 Someone must.
00:45:23 It is vitally important.
00:45:26 Before dawn, there must be enough
00:45:33 - Why?
00:45:39 I seldom joke.
00:45:42 What sort of godding do you do?
00:45:45 Oh, I'm the, er,
00:45:49 - A god of hangovers? Oh, how awful.
00:45:52 You're more cut out to be
00:45:55 - Oh!
00:45:59 You leave him alone, you! He's a god!
00:46:01 A god? Dear me!
00:46:07 Well, you know,
00:46:24 What's the matter?
00:46:26 It's just a wardrobe, innit?
00:46:46 I don't want to see!
00:47:04 Hex was right, Archchancellor.
00:47:07 Hex? Who is Hex?
00:47:10 Erm, he's the biggest thinker
00:47:16 I would like to meet this Mr Hex.
00:47:40 Quite a large thaumic reading,
00:47:46 I think he got here by magic.
00:47:49 Where did he go?
00:47:56 They say you are the biggest thinker
00:48:00 but do you also believe?
00:48:09 Extend logically
00:48:12 ceasing to believe in the Hogfather.
00:48:16 Will the sun come up? Answer.
00:48:37 Correct. How may this be prevented?
00:48:41 Answer.
00:48:46 "Regular and consistent belief. "
00:48:53 Good. I have a task for you,
00:49:00 Believe in the Hogfather.
00:49:06 Do you believe? Answer.
00:49:13 Do you believe?
00:49:16 Answer!
00:49:33 Good.
00:49:55 Hmm.
00:50:01 Oh, no!
00:50:11 Let me see.
00:50:14 How old are you?
00:50:18 And have you been naughty or nice?
00:50:47 Hello.
00:50:49 Well, well, well. What have we here?
00:50:52 Bone handle. Rather tasteless
00:50:58 Death himself's
00:51:03 Am I right?
00:51:05 Oh, my. It must be Hogswatch.
00:51:09 This must mean that you are Susan.
00:51:14 The famous granddaughter.
00:51:16 Nobility. I'd bow,
00:51:20 but I'm afraid
00:51:27 Yes! Yes!
00:51:30 Left-handed using a wooden pick.
00:51:34 Ah! Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh, I've managed
00:51:40 They're just based
00:51:47 - How do you know who I am?
00:51:50 Twurp's Peerage.
00:51:52 Family motto, non timetis messor.
00:51:57 Your father was well known.
00:52:03 As for your grandfather,
00:52:07 that motto, "fear not the reaper",
00:52:11 is that good taste?
00:52:14 Course, you don't need to fear him,
00:52:19 Or do you?
00:52:23 I don't know what you're talking
00:52:29 I beg your pardon.
00:52:33 Jonathan Teh-ah-tim-eh
00:52:37 You mean... like around
00:52:41 No.
00:52:43 I did say... Teh-ah-tim-eh.
00:52:48 Please don't try to break
00:52:54 - How are you getting on, Mr Sideney?
00:52:57 According to Woddeley's Sequence,
00:52:59 number six should be copper
00:53:04 You think your grandfather
00:53:07 But now I have his sword.
00:53:10 You see, I wonder...
00:53:13 All fingers and thumbs, Mr Sideney.
00:53:18 Er, I've managed to open
00:53:24 Really? But it may
00:53:28 Thank you, anyway.
00:53:34 - Erm...
00:53:41 Is that all you're here for?
00:53:46 A thief?
00:53:48 Me?
00:53:50 I'm not a thief, madam. No.
00:53:56 These gentlemen are thieves.
00:53:59 That's Medium Dave.
00:54:02 And Exhibit B is Banjo.
00:54:07 He can talk.
00:54:10 Who are you?
00:54:12 I'm incognito.
00:54:15 You look like a wizard to me.
00:54:26 Did you suck your thumb
00:54:29 Nope!
00:54:33 - Is that the Scissor Man?
00:54:40 Kids believe all kinds of crap,
00:54:49 No more Hogfather.
00:54:54 I'll be able to make people believe
00:54:59 What's this?
00:55:01 You said, "No more Hogfather. "
00:55:07 He does know what we've been doing
00:55:10 You did tell him?
00:55:12 There's gotta be a Hogfather.
00:55:19 - She did it! She killed him.
00:55:23 - Did!
00:55:24 - Did.
00:55:27 I don't think he's dead,
00:55:30 Who cares? When this is over, Banjo,
00:55:33 you'll have as many presents
00:55:37 There has to be a Hogfather,
00:55:40 - It's just another solar festival.
00:55:46 Banjo, you're coming with me
00:55:50 Grab her, Banjo. It's all her fault.
00:55:57 Our mam said no hitting girls.
00:55:59 No touching them
00:56:02 She's not a girl. She's a freak.
00:56:09 I think I know you, Teatime.
00:56:11 You're the mad kid
00:56:15 - Banjo, I said grab her.
00:56:18 The kid who didn't know
00:56:21 between chucking a stone at a cat
00:56:24 I said shut up. Get her, Banjo.
00:56:26 The kind of little boy
00:56:31 - I didn't.
00:56:34 Ah, to blazes with your mam!
00:56:36 What did you say about our mam?
00:56:38 I bet no one wanted to play with you.
00:56:41 - Not the kid with no friends.
00:56:46 Our mam... Our mam...
00:56:48 Our mam said...
00:56:54 Have you been a bad boy, Banjo?
00:57:01 You been letting him
00:57:05 You have, haven't you?
00:57:08 No, Mam. No, Mam. No, Mam!
00:57:12 You need a good hiding, Banjo.
00:57:16 Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, Mam!
00:57:19 You been playing with girls again?
00:57:22 Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, Mam!
00:57:25 Sorry, Mam! Sorry!
00:57:30 No, Mam. No, Mam. No, Mam!
00:57:33 No!
00:57:40 Oh, no. I don't think so.
00:57:43 This place gets into your head,
00:57:49 Lt... finds out
00:57:57 But I'm in touch
00:58:02 It's so much fun.
00:58:09 No pulling girls' hair. That's bad.
00:58:17 I'm gonna have so much fun
00:58:21 You dare!
00:58:23 - He comes after everyone.
00:58:26 I'll be ready for him.
00:58:40 It doesn't work here.
00:58:44 There's no death here.
00:58:48 Hi, inner child.
00:58:50 I'm the inner baby-sitter.
00:59:11 Happy Hogswatch!
00:59:34 Is he dead?
00:59:40 He's not breathing.
00:59:42 Breathing spell.
00:59:44 Breathing spell.
00:59:48 Spolt's forthright respirator,
00:59:53 I think I've got it written down
00:59:57 Come on, chaps. Give me some space.
01:00:05 Excuse me... excuse me,
01:00:10 for the advancement
01:00:12 Did you see any bright lights?
01:00:15 What is all this, Mr Stibbons?
01:00:19 This must be the Unseen University.
01:00:25 And you're all... wizards.
01:00:30 There was a sword.
01:00:33 Oh, yes.
01:00:45 Did I do that?
01:00:49 I really must be off.
01:00:53 Well, he won't get far.
01:00:56 in accordance
01:00:59 - Wort get far?
01:01:02 While holding a sword which appears
01:01:25 You can get into trouble,
01:01:29 No playing with girls.
01:01:39 What am I gonna do now?
01:02:59 Hello, my dear.
01:03:04 No.
01:03:06 Sorry, dear?
01:03:10 You're not the Tooth Fairy.
01:03:14 Oh, I am, dear.
01:03:17 Oh, Grandma,
01:03:20 You've even got a shawl.
01:03:22 Oh, dear.
01:03:26 I don't understand, lovey.
01:03:31 You forgot the rocking chair.
01:03:33 I always thought
01:03:41 I don't think you're real.
01:03:44 It's not a little old woman
01:03:51 You're out of my head.
01:03:55 You poke around in people's heads
01:03:59 No. It's horrible,
01:04:06 I like spiders.
01:04:08 Dogs? No.
01:04:13 I like rats. Rats are fine.
01:04:18 Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?
01:04:24 I... I...
01:04:26 You're a bogeyman, aren't you?
01:04:29 Not a. The!
01:04:35 The first bogeyman.
01:04:40 - You look terrible.
01:04:43 I mean ill.
01:04:46 I used to jump out on them
01:04:51 But then I got to like 'em.
01:04:54 Only children were frightened of me.
01:04:58 I mean, what's to be scared of?
01:05:01 Horns, bony arms.
01:05:06 But then I discovered that there
01:05:12 and I wanted
01:05:15 keep them safe
01:05:20 So I built all this
01:05:25 to be a safe place.
01:05:28 And the teeth?
01:05:30 If you leave
01:05:34 - anything could happen.
01:05:40 So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then?
01:05:44 Yes!
01:05:47 I...
01:05:49 Oh...
01:05:51 Then they came,
01:05:54 stealing.
01:05:57 I'm too weak
01:06:07 You don't die here.
01:06:12 You just get old.
01:06:15 Listening to the laughter.
01:06:25 Don't worry about the teeth.
01:06:27 I'll make them safe again.
01:07:09 I think it would be a good idea
01:07:12 if you did the Tooth Fairy's job,
01:07:16 Do... Do you think that'd be alright?
01:07:21 You... Do it until she comes back.
01:07:27 So, er, who's gonna tell me
01:07:31 No one's ever going to tell
01:07:36 Thanks, miss.
01:07:46 - Er, miss...?
01:07:51 Can I have a puppy?
01:07:54 I had a kitten, but our mam
01:08:00 I think it'll turn up
01:08:03 Thanks, miss.
01:08:09 Billy!
01:08:11 Violet's talked about it. We thought
01:08:15 - It's OK. They're all gone.
01:08:19 And Banjo needed a new job.
01:08:24 That's funny. So does Billy.
01:08:28 Look, why don't you two
01:08:31 and help Banjo clear up this mess?
01:08:34 He's pretty much
01:08:37 - Oh, but he's...
01:08:43 We'd love to help, Banjo. Together.
01:08:48 Good. Have fun. Now I'm going home.
01:08:53 This is a hell of a way
01:09:10 Grandfather! What are you doing here?
01:09:17 It is not over.
01:09:20 You must bring the Hogfather home.
01:09:27 These look like the mountains
01:09:30 They are.
01:09:38 - It's a pig!
01:09:42 This boar is the...?
01:09:45 Yes. The Hogfather as he began.
01:09:50 - And the dogs.
01:09:55 If they catch him, he won't just die.
01:09:58 He will... never be.
01:10:02 Well, stop them.
01:10:04 This is a human thing.
01:10:09 The Auditors are desperate now.
01:10:12 They're determined to destroy
01:10:20 You must save him.
01:11:37 Come on. Jump.
01:11:40 Just you try it.
01:11:50 Yes! Who wants some? Anyone else?
01:12:18 Ho, ho, ho.
01:12:20 You couldn't resist it in the end.
01:12:28 A mistake, I fancy.
01:12:32 It gets under your skin, life.
01:12:36 Speaking metaphorically, of course.
01:12:40 And, you see, the more you struggle
01:12:44 the more alive you stay.
01:12:47 Which is where I come in,
01:12:52 You can't do this. There are rules.
01:12:55 Yes, there are rules.
01:12:58 But you broke them.
01:13:01 How dare you. How dare you!
01:13:06 And now there remains
01:13:14 Have you been naughty or nice?
01:13:23 Ho, ho, ho.
01:14:11 We saved you.
01:14:15 Dying's not how it's supposed to go!
01:16:01 Er... Er, sorry.
01:16:12 Hyah!
01:16:26 Well...
01:16:30 ...that about wraps it up
01:16:34 I'd just like to ask,
01:16:38 you were sure
01:16:42 I was quite confident.
01:16:46 Good. Now, tell me...
01:16:49 What would've happened
01:16:52 - Yes.
01:16:55 Then what would've happened?
01:16:58 A mere ball of flaming gas
01:17:02 Alright, I'm not stupid.
01:17:05 You're saying that humans need
01:17:09 No.
01:17:11 Humans need fantasy to be human.
01:17:16 To be the place where the
01:17:22 With tooth fairies, Hogfathers...
01:17:25 Yes.
01:17:26 As practice, you have to start out
01:17:31 - So we can believe the big ones?
01:17:34 Justice, mercy, duty,
01:17:38 - But they're not the same at all.
01:17:42 Then, take the universe and
01:17:47 and sieve it
01:17:50 and then show me one atom of justice,
01:17:55 And yet, you try to act as if there
01:18:03 as if there is some...
01:18:07 by which it may be judged.
01:18:10 But people have got to believe that,
01:18:15 You need to believe in things
01:18:19 How else can they become?
01:18:49 Er, would you like to visit
01:18:54 Albert is frying a pudding.
01:18:57 I, er... Well, they're really
01:19:06 Would you like a drink
01:19:09 A cup of cocoa would be appropriate
01:19:18 Right. There are biscuits in the tin
01:19:45 - Susars got a poker, you know.
01:19:49 I thought all of you
01:19:52 Indeed.
01:19:53 Last week,
01:19:57 I'll give Gawain his stocking,
01:20:00 Susan...
01:20:18 Well, well.
01:20:24 A family affair.
01:20:31 I wonder...
01:20:33 Is it possible to kill... death?
01:20:36 Hmm!
01:20:38 This must be a very special sword.
01:20:45 And it certainly works here.
01:20:50 And, of course, it might well
01:20:56 Possibly it is... a civic act.
01:21:00 It would be, as they say...
01:21:05 ...the big one.
01:21:07 You may have some personal knowledge
01:21:12 but I'm pretty certain
01:21:15 that Susan here
01:21:20 So I'd rather you didn't try
01:21:27 I am last-minute stuff.
01:21:36 I don't remember them asking
01:21:39 Oh, there has to be something
01:21:44 Otherwise, what is 4:30am for?
01:21:49 There are children?
01:21:51 Oh, yes. Of course.
01:21:56 - Call them.
01:22:00 It'll be instructive. Educational.
01:22:04 And when your adversary is Death,
01:22:07 you can't help but be the good guy.
01:22:11 Call them.
01:22:23 Gawain. Twyla.
01:22:31 Come in. Come in!
01:22:34 Curly haired tots!
01:22:39 I've caught this bogeyman.
01:22:45 What shall we do with him, huh?
01:22:47 It's only a skeleton!
01:22:54 Yes.
01:22:56 A nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton.
01:23:02 Scary, huh?
01:23:04 He's eating a biscuit.
01:23:06 A creepy, bony man
01:23:12 You're fidgeting with that kettle,
01:23:14 so I expect you're thinking
01:23:18 Put it down. Please.
01:23:23 - Slowly.
01:23:25 That's not very creepy.
01:23:29 It's just standing there. It's not
01:23:33 And, anyway, you're creepy.
01:23:42 Really?
01:23:45 Well, let's see how creepy I can be.
01:24:16 Oh, no!
01:24:21 There's so many ribs... and things.
01:24:30 It only kills monsters.
01:24:32 Stop time now.
01:24:37 You winked at me.
01:24:39 I thought you had a plan.
01:24:42 Indeed. Oh, yes.
01:24:44 - I planned to see what you would do.
01:24:48 I did add the sparkly stars
01:24:52 I thought they would be appropriate.
01:24:55 And if I hadrt done anything?
01:24:57 I dare say
01:25:00 - at the last minute.
01:25:04 There is always time
01:25:13 Stop playing dead, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh.
01:25:24 You got it right.
01:25:27 Of course.
01:25:34 I'll take care of the body. That
01:25:39 Erm, you did know
01:25:47 I was quite confident.
01:25:52 Ah.
01:25:55 I have made this for you.
01:25:58 Oh! Thank you.
01:26:03 What is it?
01:26:05 Albert said
01:26:09 but it appears to have melted.
01:26:12 It is, of course, a Hogswatch card.
01:26:16 Oh.
01:26:18 There should have been
01:26:21 but I had considerable difficulty
01:26:25 Ah.
01:26:27 - It was not at all cooperative.
01:26:31 It did not seem to get into
01:26:36 Oh. Thank you.
01:26:41 - Granddad...?
01:26:47 Why? I mean, why did you do all this?
01:26:54 Human beings
01:27:00 Do you know that in a universe
01:27:05 they have managed to invent boredom?
01:27:11 - Quite astonishing.
01:27:15 Well, then, er... Happy Hogswatch.
01:27:23 Yes.
01:27:26 Granddad.
01:27:30 Happy Hogswatch.
01:27:47 Happy Hogswatch
01:27:51 and good night, children,
01:27:54 everywhere.
01:28:38 Ooh! Hello! Hello!
01:28:42 Oh, you're cute.
01:28:47 Come on, let's play. Yeah.
01:29:09 You have a big, wooden rocking horse
01:29:12 Er... yes. That's a special order
01:29:19 How much would this lordship
01:29:22 - $12.
01:29:26 Would you like me to wrap it, sir?
01:29:28 No. I will take it as it is.
01:29:32 Thank you.
01:29:34 Incidentally,
01:29:39 with his nose frozen to the window.
01:29:43 Some warm water should do the trick.
01:29:46 Happy Hogswatch, sir.