Hot Fuzz

en
00:00:05 (POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING)
00:00:06 (ALARM RINGING)
00:00:08 (POLICE SIREN WAILING)
00:00:19 (AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
00:01:03 MAN: Police Constable Nicholas Angel.
00:01:07 Graduated Canterbury University in 1993
00:01:13 Attended Hendon College of Police Training.
00:01:17 Displayed great aptitude in field exercises.
00:01:22 Notably, urban pacification and riot control.
00:01:25 Back off!
00:01:27 Academically excelled in theoretical
00:01:31 Received the Baton of Honour.
00:01:33 Graduated with distinction into
00:01:38 Quickly established an effectiveness
00:01:42 Use your brain.
00:01:44 Proceeded to improve skill base
00:01:48 and advanced cycling.
00:01:52 Became heavily involved
00:01:55 To this day holds the Met record
00:01:59 In 2001 began active duty with
00:02:05 Received a bravery award for efforts
00:02:09 In the last 12 months
00:02:13 Achieved the highest arrest record
00:02:16 And sustained three injuries
00:02:19 Most recently in December when wounded
00:02:31 - Hello, Nicholas.
00:02:32 - How's the hand?
00:02:33 It can get awfully hairy out there.
00:02:35 I'm surprised you werert snapped up
00:02:38 I prefer to think my office is
00:02:41 Indeed, you do.
00:02:42 Your arrest record is 400% higher
00:02:47 Which is why it's high time
00:02:54 - We're making you Sergeant.
00:02:57 In Sandford, Gloucestershire.
00:02:59 - In where, sorry?
00:03:01 - That's in the country.
00:03:05 Isn't there a Sergeant's position
00:03:07 No.
00:03:09 - Can I remain here as a PC?
00:03:11 - Do I have any choice in this?
00:03:14 Sergeant, I kind of like it here.
00:03:16 Well, you've always wanted
00:03:18 - In 20 years or so, yes.
00:03:22 Hang on, I don't remember telling you that.
00:03:23 Yes, you did. You said,
00:03:26 "I'd love to settle down
00:03:30 I'd like to talk to the Inspector.
00:03:32 You can speak to the Inspector,
00:03:34 he will tell you
00:03:38 - Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?
00:03:42 - And how are things at home?
00:03:45 How's Janine?
00:03:48 We're no longer together, sir.
00:03:50 - Right. Then where are you living?
00:03:53 - With the recruits?
00:03:56 Well, then, you're packed already.
00:03:58 Nicholas, we're offering you a smashing
00:04:01 in a lovely little place
00:04:04 I don't know how many times.
00:04:08 - I don't really know what to say.
00:04:11 Yes, thank you.
00:04:16 No, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to...
00:04:18 - You want to take this higher?
00:04:21 You want me to bother
00:04:23 Yes.
00:04:24 You want me to get the Chief Inspector
00:04:27 - Yes, I do.
00:04:30 Kenneth!
00:04:32 - Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?
00:04:36 - Chief Inspector...
00:04:37 Now, I know what you're going to say,
00:04:40 but the fact is,
00:04:43 I'm sorry, sir?
00:04:44 Of course we all appreciate your efforts,
00:04:46 but you've been rather
00:04:49 It's all about being a team player, Nicholas.
00:04:51 You can't be the Sheriff of London.
00:04:53 If we let you carry on running round town,
00:04:55 you'll continue to be exceptional
00:04:58 You'll put us all out of a job.
00:05:01 With respect, sir.
00:05:03 - You can't just make people disappear.
00:05:09 Well, however you spin this, there's
00:05:14 And that's what the "team"
00:05:28 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
00:05:30 (SIGHS)
00:05:32 - Hello?
00:05:34 I know. I'm at work.
00:05:36 I know, I'm outside.
00:05:40 What's the situation?
00:05:42 You know the situation.
00:05:45 No, I... I meant here.
00:05:46 Two people involved,
00:05:49 Complete mess.
00:05:50 - You are talking about here?
00:05:53 Well, I have something important to tell you
00:06:00 Janine, I've been transferred.
00:06:03 I'm not Janine.
00:06:04 (JANINE CLEARS THROAT)
00:06:05 Janine, I've been transferred.
00:06:08 I know. Bob told me.
00:06:10 Hello, there.
00:06:11 Well, I wanted to tell you in person.
00:06:13 And there's no reason
00:06:15 It's not that long ago
00:06:17 Yes, but you were already married
00:06:20 We're actually supposed to call it
00:06:22 Official vocab guidelines state
00:06:25 See. It's only ever about the job.
00:06:27 - It's all you care about.
00:06:29 No, you're right,
00:06:32 - It's a Japanese Peace Lily.
00:06:37 And until you find a person you care
00:06:43 Besides, you were the one
00:06:46 Yes, well,
00:06:51 Actually, there's something
00:06:53 - You're seeing someone else.
00:06:56 - Is it Bob?
00:06:58 Does Bob look like
00:07:01 It's Dave.
00:07:03 Hello, there.
00:07:05 I see.
00:07:08 Oh, Nicholas.
00:07:10 You do realise that window
00:07:13 (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
00:07:20 FRANK: Hello there, Nicholas,
00:07:22 I'm just calling with details
00:07:25 We've got you a lovely little cottage
00:07:29 Look forward to meeting you anon. Cheerio.
00:07:32 Nicholas, Frank again.
00:07:36 It's not ready.
00:08:14 (SNORING)
00:08:18 It would appear the heavens have opened.
00:08:29 - I was hoping to check in.
00:08:34 But you've always been here.
00:08:36 - Excuse me?
00:08:40 I thought you were my husband.
00:08:42 - You must be Sergeant Angel.
00:08:45 I'm Joyce Cooper.
00:08:49 I beg your pardon?
00:08:50 "System of Government characterised
00:08:56 - Oh, I see. It's "fascism."
00:09:01 Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite.
00:09:06 Well, actually,
00:09:11 I beg your pardon?
00:09:13 "Evil old woman considered
00:09:17 Oh, bless you.
00:10:05 - Pint of lager, please, Mary.
00:10:09 Yes, sir, what can I get you?
00:10:11 Could I have a glass
00:10:16 Certainly.
00:10:17 Now, you wouldn't, by any chance,
00:10:21 Police officer, yes. I'm Nicholas Angel.
00:10:23 - I'm Roy Porter. This is my wife Mary.
00:10:26 MARY: Welcome to Sandford.
00:10:28 If there's anything you need,
00:10:29 Thank you. Could I borrow your newspaper?
00:10:33 It's not ours, love.
00:10:34 We're not big fans of the local fish wrapper,
00:10:37 - They listed her age as 55.
00:10:40 Fifty-three.
00:10:42 (GROANS)
00:10:43 - Pint of lager, please, Mary.
00:10:51 (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
00:11:19 - Excuse me.
00:11:21 - Whers your birthday?
00:11:24 - What year?
00:11:26 Get out.
00:11:28 - Whers your birthday?
00:11:34 - You're 37?
00:11:35 Get out.
00:11:37 Whers your birthday?
00:11:38 (STAMMERING)
00:11:39 Out.
00:11:41 - Is there a problem, Officer?
00:11:44 It would appear a number
00:11:47 Well, a few of them may be
00:11:50 But if they're in here,
00:11:52 Yeah, the way we see it,
00:11:55 The greater good.
00:11:56 Well, that's as may be,
00:12:05 - Another cranberry juice?
00:12:22 (CLANKING)
00:12:27 (CLEARS THROAT)
00:12:30 I hope you're not planning on driving that.
00:12:33 No.
00:12:44 (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
00:12:50 Right. I'm taking you to the station.
00:12:54 Where is it?
00:13:01 (CLEARS THROAT)
00:13:03 What?
00:13:14 ANGEL: Move.
00:13:20 "Nicholas Angel."
00:13:23 - Oh, when did you start?
00:13:26 Well, I see you've already arrested
00:13:29 Not exactly.
00:13:31 - You in for the night?
00:13:34 - Hey, now, I need to speak to him.
00:13:37 I see.
00:13:39 You really want to process all this lot?
00:13:43 - My pers running out.
00:14:24 - Morning, Sergeant.
00:14:26 Morning.
00:14:28 Morning, Sergeant.
00:14:31 Morning, Sergeant.
00:14:38 - Lock me up.
00:14:41 I'm a slasher and I must be stopped.
00:14:44 - You're a what?
00:14:49 Just kidding. I'm Simon Skinner.
00:14:54 Drop in and see me sometime.
00:14:58 Catch me later!
00:15:01 Morning, Sergeant.
00:15:09 Morning, Sergeant.
00:15:15 Could you tell the Inspector
00:15:18 No.
00:15:20 Why?
00:15:22 He's not in yet.
00:15:24 - Well, how's our guest?
00:15:27 - The inebriate in cell four.
00:15:37 Can I get cell four open, please?
00:15:39 Danny, can you open four?
00:15:43 - He's gone.
00:15:51 - Why are you dressed like a police officer?
00:15:56 Sergeant Angel, at last. Frank Butterman.
00:16:00 - I see you've already met my boy.
00:16:05 FRANK: Do forgive me.
00:16:08 Speaking of which, that was a fair
00:16:12 Thank you, sir.
00:16:14 I admire your enthusiasm
00:16:19 but this isn't London.
00:16:22 With respect, sir,
00:16:23 geographical location shouldn't factor
00:16:26 No, thanks.
00:16:28 Statistically, Sandford is
00:16:32 But that doesn't mean
00:16:34 than a careful and considered approach.
00:16:37 There's a reason we accommodate
00:16:40 - The greater good?
00:16:43 Your predecessor assumed
00:16:48 Ended up having a nervous breakdown.
00:16:50 And Sergeant Popwell was
00:16:55 And he had one thing you haven't got.
00:16:57 - What's that, sir?
00:17:00 Come on, let's have a mosey around.
00:17:05 Locker room.
00:17:08 Riot room.
00:17:11 Evidence room.
00:17:16 Now, how about a trip to the Andes?
00:17:20 Detective Sergeant Wainwright
00:17:24 (PHONE RINGING)
00:17:25 Don't get up.
00:17:28 I expect you're wondering
00:17:31 - They're both called Andrew?
00:17:34 Also, because talking to them is
00:17:38 - Fuck off!
00:17:42 (READING)
00:17:46 And this is where it all happens.
00:17:50 That is Sergeant Tony Fisher.
00:17:52 PC Bob Walker.
00:17:54 (MUMBLING)
00:17:55 And that is Saxon.
00:17:57 And this is one Doris Thatcher.
00:18:01 - She's our only policewoman.
00:18:04 - Yeah, she is. I've seen her bra.
00:18:06 Being a woman has nothing to do with it.
00:18:07 Oh, I don't know.
00:18:10 I could've given you the tour.
00:18:14 And what's upstairs?
00:18:17 Well, well, well, I see we have visitors.
00:18:20 Nicholas, this is Tom Weaver.
00:18:22 Civilian liaison
00:18:26 You'll find that we run
00:18:30 From this command centre
00:18:37 I must say I was rather admiring
00:18:40 It's a pity you didn't do the same
00:18:43 Hanging around. Loitering. Sitting.
00:18:46 Actually, I did notice some minor graffiti
00:18:48 Graffiti? They've gotta be dealt with, Frank.
00:18:51 They're nippers, Tom. They'll come round.
00:18:53 Which reminds me,
00:18:54 our friend, The Living Statue,
00:18:58 11:00, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00.
00:19:03 If we don't come down hard
00:19:06 - we are gonna be up to our balls in jugglers.
00:19:12 We like to let them think they run the place.
00:19:15 Well, that's that.
00:19:17 Unless there's anything
00:19:19 Yes, sir.
00:19:22 The Black Forest gateau is on Danny.
00:19:27 His...
00:19:28 Sir, I don't think driving under the influence
00:19:31 No, the gateau is for misplacing
00:19:35 Last night's incident will require
00:19:39 - Good.
00:19:41 I'm sorry, sir, I don't follow.
00:19:43 Let's just say that we won't be short
00:19:47 Dad.
00:19:48 Now, since it's your first day
00:19:59 So, what made you choose Sandford then,
00:20:03 It wasrt actually my choice.
00:20:05 Oh, right, right, wasrt your choice to come
00:20:09 Our jobs.
00:20:11 (CHATTERING INCOHERENTLY)
00:20:13 ALL: Yeah.
00:20:15 Look, I can assure you it wasrt
00:20:18 Yeah, 'cause we all sell apples round here,
00:20:21 - Your dad sells apples, Andy.
00:20:24 I bet you can't wait to jump
00:20:26 I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.
00:20:30 - You got a moustache.
00:20:34 - Why have you got your stab vest on?
00:20:37 In the city maybe.
00:20:42 Not a member of the public anyhow.
00:20:46 - Have you been stabbed, Sergeant Fisher?
00:20:49 Well, I have.
00:20:50 And I can assure you
00:20:54 Have you seen a lot of action,
00:20:57 I've experienced my fair share, yes.
00:20:59 - Did you cook any fools?
00:21:02 Did you shoot anybody?
00:21:03 He shot a crack head with a Kalashnikov.
00:21:07 - Where did you get that?
00:21:11 Where'd he get that?
00:21:12 You do know there are more guns
00:21:15 Everybody and their mums
00:21:19 - Like who?
00:21:21 - Who else?
00:21:28 What's it like being stabbed?
00:21:31 It was the single most painful
00:21:35 What was the second most painful?
00:21:44 You ever fired two guns
00:21:45 No.
00:21:46 You ever fired one gun
00:21:47 No.
00:21:48 - Ever been in a high speed pursuit?
00:21:49 You ever fired a gun
00:21:50 No.
00:21:52 AMANDA ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Annette,
00:21:57 Get a look at his arse.
00:21:59 - What about Lethal Weapon?
00:22:01 - You've seen Die Hard, though?
00:22:03 - Bad Boys II?
00:22:05 You ain't seen Bad Boys II?
00:22:11 - Hell of a day, huh?
00:22:13 - Same again tomorrow?
00:22:20 Amanda Paver,
00:22:23 How do you do, Sergeant?
00:22:25 - Simon Skinner, I believe you've met.
00:22:30 Oh, please, please, come with me, will you?
00:22:32 This is Leslie Tiller,
00:22:34 whose horticultural expertise
00:22:38 - She's ever so good.
00:22:41 This is James Reaper,
00:22:43 I hear you're quite the marksman.
00:22:45 Perhaps you might like to join us
00:22:48 Well, I haven't held a firearm
00:22:50 I'd quite like to keep it that way.
00:22:52 You will be popular with the local birds.
00:22:54 Birds.
00:22:56 Nicholas, hello. Reverend Shooter.
00:22:59 I want to ask you,
00:23:03 That might be
00:23:05 Oh, you're an atheist?
00:23:07 No, I'm... I'm...
00:23:09 I'm open to the concept of religion,
00:23:12 - You're an agnostic?
00:23:17 Robin Hatcher, our resident sawbones.
00:23:20 Hopefully we won't see too much
00:23:24 Well, all that remains is to welcome you
00:23:26 to the weekly meeting
00:23:33 Now, quick announcement before we begin.
00:23:36 Janet Barker has just given birth to twins.
00:23:40 So, congratulations to her.
00:23:42 - Tom?
00:23:45 Now.
00:23:47 I am sure that all of you will have noticed
00:23:52 It's made all the more disturbing as
00:23:57 I refer, of course,
00:24:03 (ALL MURMURING)
00:24:07 ANGEL: Police work
00:24:11 as it is about fighting crime.
00:24:13 Most importantly,
00:24:16 in the execution
00:24:21 Any questions?
00:24:24 Yes.
00:24:26 Is it true that there is a place
00:24:29 that if you shoot it, it will blow up?
00:24:31 (BELL RINGING)
00:24:35 Hi, hi, Tim Messenger.
00:24:36 Can I get a quick shot
00:24:39 Okay.
00:24:40 How about you put the teacher
00:24:42 I don't think that gives off the right signals.
00:24:44 Too cheesy-pie. Okay. Gotcha.
00:24:46 - Give the little blonde kid your hat.
00:24:48 - Wave your hitting stick about.
00:24:50 Righty-ho-ho.
00:24:56 Oh, can I have your autograph, please?
00:25:01 - For the breakfast.
00:25:09 Hey, that werert me.
00:25:13 - Morning, Angle.
00:25:16 - Morning, Angle.
00:25:18 - Sergeant Angel.
00:25:20 - The swars escaped?
00:25:22 Right. And where has the swan
00:25:24 - The castle.
00:25:26 Mr Staker. Yeah, Mr Peter lan Staker.
00:25:29 P. I. Staker. Right. Piss taker. Come on!
00:25:33 Yes, Mr Staker. We'll do everything we can.
00:25:37 It's about two foot tall.
00:25:39 - Long slender neck.
00:25:41 - Kind of orange and black bill.
00:25:45 Well, it's a swan.
00:25:52 (CAWING)
00:25:53 (IMITATING CAWING)
00:25:55 That's just gonna scare it.
00:26:01 - No luck catching them swans then?
00:26:09 - Want anything from the shop?
00:26:13 I was thinking of a different shop.
00:26:15 Constable Butterman,
00:26:17 - Well, there's nothing going on, is there?
00:26:21 You have to look closer, all right?
00:26:26 - Mr Treacher?
00:26:27 Why has he got that big coat on?
00:26:29 He can't be cold. Why the extra layer?
00:26:34 Mr Treacher?
00:26:36 Okay. What about this guy?
00:26:37 Ask yourself, why has he got his hat
00:26:40 - He's fuck ugly.
00:26:43 Because he's fuck ugly.
00:26:46 Okay, what's his story?
00:26:48 - Oh, that's Lurch.
00:26:49 - He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.
00:26:52 Real name, Michael Armstrong.
00:26:54 - Dad says he's got a child's mind.
00:26:56 And lives up Summer Street
00:26:58 And are they as big as he is?
00:26:59 - Who?
00:27:02 Same person.
00:27:05 What shop were you thinking of?
00:27:11 (READING)
00:27:21 (MEN CHATTERING)
00:27:28 TINA ON PA:
00:27:32 Manager's office. Sergeant Angel.
00:27:38 Sergeant Angel. Or is it Angle?
00:27:44 Mr Skinner, a baby's sicked up in aisle six.
00:27:48 Please excuse me. Michael!
00:27:50 Yarp.
00:27:51 - Child vomit. Aisle six. Mop it up.
00:27:55 - Mr Skinner, is there a problem?
00:27:58 I simply wanted to say how lovely it is
00:28:03 Well, that's quite all right.
00:28:04 All too many have defected
00:28:08 May their heads be struck
00:28:13 Yes, well, I am on duty,
00:28:16 Of course. I simply spied you loitering
00:28:20 and assumed you had time on your hands.
00:28:26 Well, maybe I'm not the one
00:28:29 That's the Fridge Magnate.
00:28:31 Made a fortune in kitchen goods.
00:28:37 Actually, I wasrt talking about him.
00:28:40 I was talking about him.
00:28:43 Excuse me.
00:28:51 Excuse me.
00:29:00 (DANNY READING)
00:29:02 "Meet the cop that can't be stopped."
00:29:20 (HORN BLARING)
00:29:22 MAN: Tosser!
00:29:25 Trouble in the high street.
00:29:27 Sergeant Angel's having a spot of bother.
00:29:28 Roger that.
00:29:40 MAN: Morning, Sergeant.
00:29:49 You mothers.
00:29:54 - Let's cut through here. Head him off.
00:29:59 What's the matter, Danny?
00:30:45 Hey, give me that!
00:30:54 "You do not have to say anything,
00:30:56 "if you fail to mention when questioned
00:30:59 "Anything you do say
00:31:01 - Hi, Danny.
00:31:02 Do you know this man?
00:31:04 Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's
00:31:05 And it didn't occur to you
00:31:07 Couldrt see his face, could I?
00:31:21 Impressive collar.
00:31:23 Shame Mr Skinner
00:31:25 What do you mean,
00:31:27 I'm simply suggesting that, you know,
00:31:31 before he becomes
00:31:34 I'm sure he's going to learn
00:31:37 - Stealing biscuits is wrong?
00:31:41 Thanks.
00:31:42 And yet we respond by not taking
00:31:45 Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
00:31:48 Like the biscuits, isn't it?
00:31:50 - Mr Skinner...
00:31:53 Well, sir, Mr Skinner feels it would
00:31:58 that has committed a blatant offence.
00:32:00 Leave this with me.
00:32:02 I'll make sure everyone gets
00:32:05 Oh, no!
00:32:10 Twenty-seven.
00:32:11 - DANNY: Have you ever seen Point Break?
00:32:15 Amazing bit in Point Break
00:32:17 Is there now? Twenty-nine.
00:32:19 Patrick Swayze's just robbed this bank
00:32:22 through people's gardens,
00:32:25 'cause he loves him so much,
00:32:27 and he's firing his gun up in the air,
00:32:29 Forty.
00:32:30 Have you ever fired your gun up
00:32:32 No, I have not ever fired my gun
00:32:36 Thirty.
00:32:37 Sorry, I... I just...
00:32:41 - I wanna do what you do.
00:32:44 What on earth
00:32:46 Gun fights. Car chases.
00:32:49 Police work is not about
00:32:54 Twenty-nine.
00:32:55 If you had paid attention to me in school,
00:32:57 you'd understand that it's not all about
00:33:01 Fire up the roof.
00:33:07 That was brilliant.
00:33:12 Was I going a tad fast, Officer?
00:33:15 Yes, you were, Mr Blower.
00:33:17 Well, now, you see,
00:33:20 to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet
00:33:24 I'm playing the eponymous hero, you see.
00:33:27 Romeo not Juliet.
00:33:31 - What are you writing?
00:33:34 I might need to refer to it later.
00:33:36 Now, Officer, I am a respected solicitor
00:33:40 Just stop writing, will you?
00:33:42 Look, I'm merely trying to explain
00:33:47 You're playing the male lead
00:33:50 Romeo and Juliet
00:33:53 You think this is sufficient reason
00:33:56 - Well, I...
00:33:58 - specifically put in place to save lives.
00:34:02 - "Preposterous."
00:34:06 "Stop writing."
00:34:10 Look, you're right, I apologise.
00:34:15 - See what I did there?
00:34:17 No, I used this.
00:34:19 This is the most important piece
00:34:22 This notebook has saved my skin
00:34:24 You should think
00:34:26 - I do use mine.
00:34:34 - That's just extraordinary.
00:34:43 - What are you up to tonight?
00:34:46 Thought you might wanna do something.
00:34:47 - What exactly were you thinking?
00:34:51 I don't think that's a good idea. Do you?
00:34:57 You two.
00:34:59 A Mr Blower left you tickets
00:35:03 Said it was by way of an apology.
00:35:04 - Yeah?
00:35:06 Well, we can't accept gifts from somebody
00:35:11 Yeah.
00:35:13 Nicholas. Glad I caught you.
00:35:15 Wondered if you wouldn't mind
00:35:19 - Yes, sir, of course.
00:35:22 Yeah! Hey, come on, it might be fun.
00:35:32 A dateless bargain to engrossing death.
00:35:33 Here's to my love.
00:35:40 (GROANING)
00:35:43 Now.
00:35:46 (GASPS)
00:35:49 Poison? I'll kiss thy lips.
00:35:53 Happily some poison
00:36:04 Bang!
00:36:06 (ALL SINGING)
00:36:24 Sergeant Angel, hi-hi.
00:36:28 It was very enjoyable.
00:36:29 - "Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers"?
00:36:32 "Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up
00:36:33 That's just grossly inappropriate.
00:36:35 You will try and spell his name
00:36:39 Absolute tosh, wasrt it?
00:36:42 And annoyingly, the understudies
00:36:46 Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs
00:36:49 and Sheree portrayed a cadaver
00:36:51 Sergeant Angel, you came?
00:36:53 So thrilled you accepted my invitation.
00:36:56 Well, our Inspector
00:36:59 Yeah, we can't accept gifts from
00:37:04 Jog on.
00:37:06 Congratulations to you and to Mrs Blower.
00:37:12 Oh, this is not my wife.
00:37:17 Eve works in the local council, Sergeant.
00:37:21 - I am not.
00:37:24 I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts
00:37:32 Romeo, Romeo, a pint of bitter for Romeo?
00:37:37 Thank you very much for coming, George.
00:37:39 A pleasure, my liege.
00:37:41 - Eve's nice, ain't she?
00:37:44 She was in my year at school.
00:37:48 She clearly has a thing for older men.
00:37:52 What, with Martin Blower? No way!
00:37:54 We just sat through three hours
00:37:57 their kiss was
00:38:00 Hey, now you come to mention it,
00:38:02 I too have reason to believe
00:38:04 Really? How so?
00:38:06 Marcus Can'ter's big brother said
00:38:12 Oh, Officers.
00:38:14 Again let me extend
00:38:18 That's quite all right, Mr Blower. Drive safe.
00:38:25 (GROANS)
00:38:26 "Drive safe." Oh, my God.
00:38:30 You know that's the bloke
00:38:32 Yeah. Hopefully,
00:38:46 (KNOCK ON DOOR)
00:38:47 Who is it?
00:38:53 We haven't got long.
00:38:56 To us.
00:38:58 (KNOCK ON DOOR)
00:39:00 Who is it?
00:39:07 (BEEPING)
00:39:13 Yeah?
00:39:17 ...decaffeinated?
00:39:23 Little Brian Libby found them,
00:39:27 Oh, he'll be having nightmares for a while.
00:39:31 Must have hit the sign at some speed.
00:39:35 - I've had my top off in this lay-by.
00:39:38 Most likely lost control,
00:39:46 So, what do we reckon?
00:39:51 Sergeant Angel?
00:39:53 Well, we should get a proper cordon off,
00:39:56 Close down the road
00:39:58 whereupon we should open
00:40:02 Very good.
00:40:04 What he said.
00:40:10 - What happened, Danny?
00:40:12 Nasty way to go.
00:40:15 Constable, official vocab guidelines state
00:40:17 we no longer refer to these incidents
00:40:20 Right.
00:40:21 "For never was there a story of more woe.
00:40:28 - Excuse me?
00:40:32 Mr Skinner, do you mind telling me
00:40:33 how you know the identity
00:40:36 You know how it is. News travels fast.
00:40:39 A love struck Romeo
00:40:44 - What happened, Danny?
00:40:48 Hey, why can't we say "accident" again?
00:40:50 Because "accident" implies
00:40:54 Put a sock in it, town mouse.
00:40:55 Yeah, you wanna be a big cop in
00:40:59 I'm just saying,
00:41:01 Most times they are.
00:41:03 Let's just wait till Doctor Hatcher
00:41:06 before you go jumping the Kalashnikov.
00:41:09 All right, in the meantime, why don't you
00:41:12 Martin Blower represents
00:41:15 Did you want us to go through
00:41:17 Yeah, or put a call into Aaron A. Aaronson,
00:41:20 Please, don't be childish.
00:41:21 At least consider interviewing the widow.
00:41:22 Martin Blower was clearly having
00:41:24 Oh, and how did you establish that?
00:41:28 'Cause we sat through three hours
00:41:31 and the kiss was
00:41:33 All right, pipe down, big one.
00:41:35 Here, what else you got,
00:41:38 - Skid marks.
00:41:41 There were no skid marks at the scene.
00:41:43 Doesrt it seem a little strange that
00:41:46 and not think to apply the brakes?
00:41:48 If there were no skid marks it follows
00:41:50 that for 300 yards both driver and passenger
00:41:54 You don't have to be a detective
00:41:56 Yeah.
00:41:57 - Are you causing trouble?
00:42:00 Well, a spot of bother up at Ellroy Farm.
00:42:03 Old Arthur Webley's been clipping
00:42:07 - Yes, sir?
00:42:10 Yes, sir.
00:42:17 - Why do we need the dog?
00:42:21 (CHATTERING INCOHERENTLY)
00:42:28 Right.
00:42:29 What did he say?
00:42:30 (CHATTERING INCOHERENTLY)
00:42:36 - What did he say?
00:42:38 "He only chopped it down
00:42:39 "What's Reaper moaning about?"
00:42:41 Right.
00:42:42 Look, I appreciate your position,
00:42:43 but you can't go around chopping down
00:42:49 "Yes, I suppose."
00:42:50 Thank you.
00:42:52 All right.
00:42:55 Mr Webley,
00:43:00 He does for this one.
00:43:04 What do you mean by "this one"?
00:43:19 By the power of Grey Skull.
00:43:22 Where on earth did you get these?
00:43:24 - Found them.
00:43:26 - And what is this?
00:43:29 Sea mine.
00:43:31 Well, Mr Webley,
00:43:34 It's a wonder nobody's been hurt before.
00:43:35 No, it's just a lot of junk.
00:43:38 (CLANKING)
00:43:48 (CLICKING)
00:43:49 ANGEL: Move, move, move!
00:44:08 (COW MOOING)
00:44:12 - TURNER: You what?
00:44:15 That's right, deactivated!
00:44:18 - It's not live.
00:44:20 All right.
00:44:44 That was quite an impressive haul today,
00:44:46 Well, you know, I mean, maybe
00:44:50 Unless you gotta water your Peace Lily.
00:44:51 - What exactly did you have in mind?
00:45:00 MARY: Right you are, my love.
00:45:02 Yes, sirs, what can I get you?
00:45:04 Pint of lager, please, Roy.
00:45:06 And what can I get you
00:45:08 - I don't really wanna get drunk.
00:45:10 - Okay, I'll have one.
00:45:13 Mr Porter, what's your wine selection?
00:45:15 Oh, we got red or white.
00:45:21 - I'll have a pint of lager, please.
00:45:29 - Any news from earlier?
00:45:34 Doctor Hatcher reported no misadventure
00:45:38 Now, come on, Sergeant, it's not your job
00:45:45 Is it?
00:45:46 - No, it isn't.
00:45:51 - You don't switch off, do you?
00:45:55 - Well, you are always thinking away.
00:45:59 - Don't get me wrong. I think it's amazing.
00:46:02 I mean,
00:46:05 Officer.
00:46:06 What made you wanna be
00:46:11 I don't remember a time
00:46:15 Apart from the summer of 1979
00:46:20 It all started with my Uncle Derek.
00:46:24 He bought me a police pedal car
00:46:27 I rode round in it every second I was awake.
00:46:29 Arresting kids twice my size
00:46:32 I got beaten up a lot when I was young
00:46:36 I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
00:46:38 He sounds like a good bloke.
00:46:39 Actually, he was arrested
00:46:41 What a cunt.
00:46:42 Probably bought the pedal car
00:46:45 Needless to say I never went near it again.
00:46:48 But I never forgot
00:46:50 that I felt at the wheel of that pedal car.
00:46:52 I had to prove to myself
00:46:55 and righteous
00:46:58 It was from that moment,
00:47:02 - Shame.
00:47:04 I think you would've made a great muppet.
00:47:10 What about you? What made you
00:47:13 I don't know. Dad does it.
00:47:17 I think after my mum died, it's what
00:47:21 - Do you mind if I ask how she died?
00:47:26 I'm sorry.
00:47:28 Never mind. Hey, watch this.
00:47:31 (SCREAMING)
00:47:32 - Jesus Christ!
00:47:36 Ta-da!
00:47:37 Hey, come on, silly bollocks, get them in.
00:47:51 - 777.
00:47:54 - You know George Merchant, don't you?
00:47:57 Yes, we were just discussing the accident.
00:48:00 I'd come to know Martin
00:48:03 Such a loss.
00:48:05 What say we drink to their demise?
00:48:08 Shouldrt that be "drink to their memories"?
00:48:09 Of course. Cheers.
00:48:11 I must go to the little boys' room.
00:48:15 - GEORGE: I'm all right!
00:48:18 Oh, he'll be in bits tomorrow.
00:48:29 I think somebody needs to go home.
00:48:32 - I'm... I'm not that drunk, sir.
00:48:38 What?
00:48:41 Hey, we did get a little drunk.
00:48:45 'Cause he's... He's little and he's drunk.
00:48:49 Oh, good grief.
00:48:51 It's hardly in keeping
00:48:56 - How much do I owe you?
00:48:59 There you go.
00:49:01 - And there's your change.
00:49:04 Bye-bye.
00:49:07 (GEORGE EXCLAIMS)
00:49:08 I'm all right.
00:49:13 I would not wanna be him in the morning.
00:49:26 Well, this is me.
00:49:30 Well, I shall see you in the morning.
00:49:34 Unless you wanna come in
00:49:37 - I don't drink coffee.
00:49:39 No caffeine after midday.
00:49:42 How about another beer?
00:49:52 Oh, dear.
00:49:59 - When did you move in?
00:50:04 - You should get some house plants.
00:50:07 Yeah. I've been tending my Peace Lily
00:50:11 It oxygenates the room,
00:50:15 Its needs are simple.
00:50:21 Janine used to say I love my Lily
00:50:24 - Is that why you split up?
00:50:27 - 'Cause you did it with a plant?
00:50:31 It was more about me being
00:50:34 That's good though, right?
00:50:37 Is it though?
00:50:39 I did miss a few dinners.
00:50:44 - Listen, mate, I...
00:50:48 - I just wanna be good at what I do.
00:50:54 You've just gotta learn to switch off
00:51:01 That's the whole problem, Danny.
00:51:06 I don't think I know how.
00:51:09 I can show you how.
00:51:17 By the power of Grey Skull.
00:51:21 Point Break or Bad Boys II?
00:51:23 Which one do you think I'll prefer?
00:51:25 No, I mean which one
00:51:27 You are pulling my leg?
00:51:38 (PANTING)
00:51:54 (SCREAMING)
00:52:09 What did you think of that?
00:52:11 Well, I won't argue
00:52:14 adrenalin fuelled thrill ride
00:52:17 that amount of carnage and mayhem and not
00:52:21 That is nothing, man.
00:52:23 This is about to go off.
00:52:37 (PHONE RINGING)
00:52:41 This shit just got real.
00:52:46 HATCHER: Nasty way to go.
00:52:48 I think our Mr Merchant tried to have
00:52:54 Spends his whole life
00:52:57 then gets killed by an oven.
00:53:01 I told him several times,
00:53:04 Oh, I don't know.
00:53:07 Cocks.
00:53:08 So, what do we reckon? Angel?
00:53:13 Help me.
00:53:15 Okay, we get a proper cordon up,
00:53:18 and then we get forensics in
00:53:21 Very good. What he said.
00:53:24 Sergeant Angel, hi-hi. A quick word?
00:53:26 Mr Messenger,
00:53:29 Actually, I just wanted to ask,
00:53:32 I'll deal with the press, Sergeant.
00:53:34 Now, my perfect Sunday
00:53:40 Fire to destroy all you've done
00:53:48 Like in the films.
00:53:50 MAN: Something like,
00:53:55 - What are you thinking? Foul play?
00:53:58 We're just hoping to talk to the last people
00:54:02 Namely a Sergeant Knickerless Asswipe
00:54:08 - That's us.
00:54:11 Three people have died in a week.
00:54:12 Oh, come on, Doctor Sherlock,
00:54:15 People have accidents every day.
00:54:17 - The victims knew each other.
00:54:20 Yeah. If you didn't see anything suspicious,
00:54:28 It's a bit of a blind spot, I'm afraid.
00:54:30 We just catch the very edge
00:54:32 Nasty way to go.
00:54:34 - There was something took my eye.
00:54:38 Sandford's most wanted.
00:54:40 (ALL CHEERING)
00:54:42 There you go. It was the swan all along.
00:54:44 - This is not funny, Detective!
00:54:48 Yeah, you do your job
00:54:50 Yeah. Havert you got
00:54:53 No, I have not!
00:54:55 Actually.
00:55:03 REVEREND SHOO TER: Testing. Testing.
00:55:04 Someone's in for a surprise at 3:00,
00:55:05 It's the raffle with
00:55:07 Out in the country
00:55:10 Far from all the sorts of noise of the city
00:55:14 There's a village green
00:55:16 It's been a long time since I last set eyes
00:55:20 On the church with a steeple
00:55:23 That's me after a couple of pints.
00:55:25 Splat the rat.
00:55:29 Splat the rat.
00:55:33 Splat the rat.
00:55:37 Shark!
00:55:40 Seen any murderings, Nicholarse?
00:55:42 Come on, boys.
00:55:45 Sorry, Chief,
00:55:49 Have a nice time.
00:55:50 Actually, Nicholas,
00:55:52 Hey, great. I've got something to show you.
00:56:01 - This is a rifle range.
00:56:04 Feeling lucky, Sergeant?
00:56:08 Three cans wins you the squeaky bunny,
00:56:12 Take out all the little people,
00:56:18 I thought I made it clear to you
00:56:22 It's only an air rifle.
00:56:25 Sergeant.
00:56:44 Dear Lord!
00:56:47 That was amazing.
00:56:50 (GUN FIRES)
00:56:54 - Thank you, Danny.
00:56:57 - He's a doctor, he can deal with it.
00:57:00 Danny, believe me,
00:57:03 Yeah. Maybe we should
00:57:05 Take our minds off of it.
00:57:06 - Sergeant Angel, hi-hi.
00:57:08 I need to talk to you
00:57:11 Churchyard. 3:00.
00:57:15 What do you think he wants?
00:57:16 REVEREND SHOO TER: Would
00:57:22 Here to announce the winners is the newest
00:57:27 Service.
00:57:28 Sergeant Nicholas Angel.
00:57:32 - Prick.
00:57:33 (FEEDBACK)
00:57:35 Hello. Hello.
00:57:54 The first name is Simon Skinner.
00:58:01 He's in the loo.
00:58:04 Too much of Joyce's lemonade, perhaps.
00:58:07 (EXPLOSION)
00:58:29 And the next name is...
00:58:46 Tim, your number's up.
00:58:58 Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:59:02 Hi-hi.
00:59:06 (EXCLAIMS)
00:59:08 Oh, no!
00:59:14 Stand back, stand back!
00:59:17 - Accident?
00:59:21 It's all right, it's all right.
00:59:23 Come on, everybody. It's all right.
00:59:36 FRANK: Nicholas, what is it?
00:59:38 Sir, I think all these deaths are linked.
00:59:42 - Who could do something like this?
00:59:45 - Apparently, they can break a mars arm.
00:59:49 - Listen, you pair of...
00:59:52 Now, let me get this straight.
00:59:55 - Are you saying that this is a crime scene?
00:59:59 Very well.
01:00:01 - Detectives.
01:00:02 Start interviewing everyone
01:00:04 Oh, he's got shorts on.
01:00:05 - Sergeant Fisher?
01:00:07 - Secure the area.
01:00:08 - PC Thatcher?
01:00:09 Get the CSI down here.
01:00:11 PC Walker?
01:00:12 Patrol the churchyard with Saxon.
01:00:15 Nicholas, Danny, you know what to do.
01:00:24 Do you really think this is murder?
01:00:27 I just don't think we should rule it out,
01:00:28 Yeah. I think you're right.
01:00:30 I think you're talking a load of old shit.
01:00:33 He thinks you're talking a load of shit.
01:00:36 CARTWRIGHT: Pain in the arse.
01:00:38 - Did you find anything?
01:00:40 I was extremely shocked
01:00:42 and discovered that I should be in the pub.
01:00:43 Did you go to his house?
01:00:46 If you wanna wade through every copy of
01:00:49 It's your job, isn't it? Detect!
00:00:04 It's high time you realised that.
00:00:11 Did he mean me or that?
00:00:14 Oh, maybe we should go home.
00:00:17 - What do you mean?
00:00:20 Have you listened to anything that I've said?
00:00:22 What do you mean?
00:00:23 Is anything I've told you
00:00:25 - sunk into that thick skull of yours?
00:00:27 Has it? Like what?
00:00:29 You said I could be
00:00:31 There's always something going on, Danny.
00:00:33 And you won't be an amazing police officer
00:00:37 Well, I remembered something else
00:00:40 - Oh, did you now?
00:00:41 You don't know how to switch off!
00:01:18 Well, if you wanna wade through every copy
00:01:19 of the Sandford bloody Citizen,
00:01:59 - Morning, Constable.
00:02:03 Thanks for the monkey.
00:02:06 - Yours, isn't it?
00:02:12 Danny, I think I'm on to something.
00:02:14 - Are you?
00:02:15 And I think with a little deliberation
00:02:20 - We?
00:02:25 Oh, oh, Sergeant Angel?
00:02:27 - Someone from London called for you.
00:02:32 - Tim Messenger.
00:02:33 Editor and journalist
00:02:35 - Fondness for puns.
00:02:37 - Terrible speller.
00:02:38 Nevertheless had uncovered
00:02:40 - George Merchant.
00:02:42 Fancied himself as a property developer.
00:02:44 - Said he had big plans for Sandford.
00:02:47 But more importantly,
00:02:49 - Martin Blower.
00:02:51 - Affirmatron.
00:02:54 - Bad actor.
00:02:55 - Bad driver.
00:02:57 - Cheated on his missus.
00:02:58 - And we both know who with.
00:03:00 - Blower's leading lady. Distinctive laugh.
00:03:03 - Favoured older men.
00:03:05 - Worked at?
00:03:06 - More specifically?
00:03:09 Where George Merchant secured permission
00:03:11 to build his dubious mansion
00:03:13 So...
00:03:14 Maybe they were all accidents.
00:03:19 (MOCKING)
00:03:20 - What are you two up to?
00:03:22 Well, look sharp.
00:03:24 - There's been reports of a fire in the station.
00:03:26 Happy birthday to you
00:03:30 Happy birthday to you
00:03:34 - Danny, why didn't you say something?
00:03:41 - Hey, where are you going?
00:03:44 (SIREN BLARING)
00:03:50 Hello, Miss Tiller.
00:03:52 I was wondering,
00:03:55 Of course.
00:03:57 I was just about to pop off, actually.
00:04:00 I can never find my scissors.
00:04:03 - Is this for someone special?
00:04:09 - Are you going somewhere, Miss Tiller?
00:04:15 And why the move,
00:04:18 - Well, just between you and I...
00:04:23 - You know that fella who blew up?
00:04:26 Well, George Merchant, God rest him,
00:04:29 so he sends round his legal fella,
00:04:33 and I thought I might take them up on it.
00:04:35 I haven't really got that much family
00:04:39 So I thought I might take them up
00:04:43 Would you like a card with this?
00:04:45 No, sorry, you were talking about the offer?
00:04:47 Well, it turns out that Martin Blower,
00:04:50 knew where the new bypass road is going
00:04:53 because he was knocking off Eve Draper
00:04:56 and then that reporter, God rest him,
00:05:00 and tells me this land's very valuable.
00:05:02 Ten times what George Merchant and
00:05:06 So, with them having passed on,
00:05:09 to some folks from the city
00:05:12 God rest the lot of them,
00:05:14 Apparently, they want to build
00:05:17 Of course, Cousin Sissy won't be
00:05:20 but as far as I'm concerned,
00:05:22 Would you just excuse me,
00:05:40 Stop!
00:05:42 In the name of the law!
00:06:42 Hang about, hang about.
00:06:45 You're saying this wasrt an accident?
00:06:48 Leslie Tiller was fucking murdered!
00:06:50 - What, just like Tim Messenger?
00:06:52 - And George Merchant?
00:06:53 - And Eve Draper?
00:06:55 - And Martin Blower?
00:06:56 - Really?
00:06:58 Thank you, Danny.
00:07:00 Oh, murder, murder, murder.
00:07:04 Thank you, Andy.
00:07:05 Come on, Sergeant, you've gotta accept
00:07:10 What are you suggesting?
00:07:11 That Leslie Tiller tripped
00:07:14 Ben Fletcher fell
00:07:16 Yeah, accidents happen all the time.
00:07:20 - Because I was there!
00:07:23 Why were you there?
00:07:24 I was buying Constable Butterman
00:07:28 What absolute horseshit.
00:07:31 I chased a suspect from the scene.
00:07:35 Here, maybe it was our old friend,
00:07:38 Oh, yeah, he was a prickly customer,
00:07:42 Am I going completely mad?
00:07:47 Maybe you are.
00:07:50 Maybe you did it.
00:07:53 Yeah, seeing as how you're such
00:07:57 - What the...
00:07:58 Yes! Sir.
00:08:03 Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas.
00:08:06 What am I going to do with you?
00:08:09 - Sir, you have to understand...
00:08:14 The boys here aren't used
00:08:19 The "M" word, Nicholas.
00:08:22 There hasn't been a recorded murder
00:08:26 But, sir, I'm certain.
00:08:28 And what's more, I know who did it.
00:08:37 Can I see the manager, please?
00:08:45 Mr Skinner to the Manager's office.
00:08:52 Sergeant Angel.
00:08:55 Simon Skinner, I'm arresting you
00:08:59 Leslie Tiller's dead? How?
00:09:03 She tripped and fell on her own shears.
00:09:05 (GROANS)
00:09:07 I'm also arresting you on suspicion of
00:09:10 of George Merchant on April 29th
00:09:12 and of Eve Draper
00:09:15 - Why on earth would I do that, Sergeant?
00:09:20 My suspicions were first aroused
00:09:23 at the scene of the Blower-Draper death,
00:09:26 despite the fact you live and work
00:09:31 I couldn't help but recall your comments
00:09:35 When you not only indicated
00:09:38 but also inferred
00:09:40 might make her privy
00:09:43 You even spoke of "bashing her head in."
00:09:46 Perhaps hoping you might discover
00:09:49 You were already suspicious
00:09:52 a large area of land
00:09:54 after an article Tim Messenger
00:09:57 You see, the land Merchant was buying
00:10:01 if it became accessible by road,
00:10:05 a retail park.
00:10:07 Consumed with concern for your business
00:10:09 and potential disloyalty
00:10:11 you yourself expressed a wish to behead.
00:10:14 You killed the competition in cold blood.
00:10:17 Staging the murders as accidents.
00:10:19 You used a vehicle removal truck
00:10:22 and incinerated an old man
00:10:24 Covering your tracks with the judicial
00:10:27 However, there was a loose end.
00:10:31 Tim Messenger.
00:10:33 Splattered before he could share with me
00:10:35 what he told Leslie Tiller
00:10:38 The true value of her land.
00:10:42 Upon discovering she was about
00:10:45 you brutally murdered her
00:10:47 And made good your escape utilising
00:10:59 Very entertaining. But I rather think
00:11:03 (CLEARS THROAT)
00:11:04 He hasn't.
00:11:05 Why would I kill Leslie?
00:11:09 Oh, but I am, "Cousin Sissy."
00:11:13 I'm afraid my nickname of Sissy
00:11:18 My teenage years studying ballet
00:11:21 - Yeah, Sissy Skinner.
00:11:24 Thank you, Andrews.
00:11:26 Now, despite my comments
00:11:30 I personally relish the competition
00:11:33 Anything to energise my workforce.
00:11:38 And anyway, what makes you think
00:11:43 Or for that matter, stage a car crash?
00:11:46 It's a well known fact that
00:11:49 And isn't it true
00:11:51 operate the vehicle removal service
00:11:54 Sergeant, this is the 21st Century.
00:11:56 Many people hold down several jobs.
00:11:59 I myself host a life drawing class
00:12:03 Tina here is a table dancer at Flappers.
00:12:06 Nevertheless, you could have utilised
00:12:10 These accusations
00:12:13 unless you can back them up
00:12:15 Well, you've got me there.
00:12:18 I'd need something conclusive.
00:12:20 Something that placed you
00:12:22 Perhaps a wound you sustained on
00:12:28 This very evening.
00:12:31 Sergeant, this is beginning
00:12:34 How could I possibly be
00:12:40 I'm sure the store's security footage
00:12:45 Do feel free to spool through.
00:13:05 I can handle this, Danny.
00:13:06 You might as well go back
00:13:10 - Did you really get me that plant?
00:13:12 But it's been impounded as evidence.
00:13:16 Well, I mean,
00:13:21 Yeah.
00:13:25 Sergeant, I wanted you to know that
00:13:27 if I do indeed now
00:13:32 belonging to Leslie, that I intend to turn it
00:13:38 Mr Skinner, what you do with your land
00:13:44 (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
00:13:45 So jog on.
00:13:47 Michael, will you escort the Sergeant
00:13:52 Yarp.
00:13:57 I just can't believe Leslie's dead.
00:14:01 She tripped and fell on her own shears.
00:14:12 Hey, that werert me.
00:14:22 Hey, look.
00:14:23 Look, Mr Treacher's
00:14:29 - You want anything from the shop?
00:14:36 - No luck catching them killers, then?
00:14:44 - No luck catching them killers, then?
00:14:47 - No luck catching them killers, then?
00:14:51 - No luck catching them killers, then?
00:14:55 - What's the matter? You got brain-freeze?
00:14:58 Get us back to the station, now!
00:15:01 (EXCLAIMS)
00:15:08 - It's more than one person.
00:15:09 - It's more than one killer.
00:15:12 Yeah, well, maybe it still is.
00:15:13 You know, maybe he's... Maybe he's
00:15:16 Nicholas, you're an exceptional officer.
00:15:22 - Sir?
00:15:24 It was exactly the same thing.
00:15:27 You've come from a city
00:15:32 and it's driven you round the bend.
00:15:35 Yes, sir.
00:15:37 Do yourself a favour. Sleep on it.
00:15:40 And if you still feel the same in the morning,
00:15:50 Hey. Hey, what's happening?
00:15:54 Nothing, nothing.
00:15:58 - I mean, do you want a lift?
00:17:04 (LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING)
00:17:07 Hey, big one, playtime's over.
00:17:14 SKINNER ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Michael?
00:17:16 Michael? Are you there?
00:17:20 Michael? Is everything okay?
00:17:26 Yarp.
00:17:28 Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?
00:17:30 Yarp.
00:17:32 He's not gonna get back up again?
00:17:37 Narp!
00:17:39 Good. Proceed to the castle.
00:17:47 Frank, this shit just got real.
00:17:49 Skinner just sent someone to kill me,
00:17:53 Up to the... To the castle, I think.
00:17:55 Okay? It's Nicholas, by the way.
00:18:00 Oh, my God.
00:18:05 Danny. Danny, just stay here, okay?
00:18:09 - Tell him I was right.
00:18:11 - I'm gonna bust this thing wide open.
00:18:16 - You might need this.
00:18:36 (CHANTING)
00:18:52 SKINNER: How could I possibly be
00:18:56 How could I possibly be
00:18:59 How could I possibly be
00:19:04 JO YCE: I just can't believe Leslie's dead.
00:19:08 WEAVER: You'll find that we run
00:19:11 REVEREND SHOO TER:
00:19:13 HATCHER: Seems like Mr Merchant tried
00:19:16 HATCHER: Nasty way to go.
00:19:18 AMANDA: What happened, Danny?
00:19:19 ANNETTE:
00:19:21 No luck catching them killers, then?
00:19:23 No luck catching them...
00:19:29 Now, quick announcement before we begin.
00:19:31 Janet Barker has decided
00:19:36 And the christening will be
00:19:41 - Tom.
00:19:44 Now, you'll all be delighted to hear
00:19:47 that the tenacious Sergeant Angel
00:19:52 Joyce will discover the Sergeant lying
00:19:57 having slipped
00:20:02 So, with the dispatch of the Sergeant,
00:20:04 we will now be able to concentrate
00:20:08 Quite right.
00:20:09 After which, nothing will stand in our way.
00:20:13 Oh, I beg to differ, Mr Weaver.
00:20:16 Well, well, well, I see we have visitors.
00:20:20 Sergeant Nicholas Angel.
00:20:23 My, he is tenacious, isn't he?
00:20:26 I'm arresting you under suspicion
00:20:29 Oh, come, come, Sergeant.
00:20:32 You should be ashamed.
00:20:34 - Calling yourself a community that cares.
00:20:38 It's all about the greater good.
00:20:39 ALL: The greater good.
00:20:41 How can this be for the greater good?
00:20:43 ALL: The greater good.
00:20:44 You see, as much as I enjoyed
00:20:46 the truth is far less complex.
00:20:48 Blower's fate was simply the result
00:20:55 ALL: Quite appalling.
00:20:56 You murdered him for that?
00:20:59 - Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.
00:21:02 The Dramatic Society
00:21:05 HATCHER: Couldrt let
00:21:07 Not when we had two semi-professionals
00:21:09 Let's not forget that Greg
00:21:12 And Sheree played a cadaver
00:21:14 Yes, I know!
00:21:15 Martin was less concerned
00:21:18 than he was with his sordid affair
00:21:21 And so Eve deserved to die too?
00:21:23 Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.
00:21:26 ALL: Annoying.
00:21:27 - And, and George Merchant?
00:21:30 ALL: Awful.
00:21:31 We begged him in vain
00:21:33 more in keeping
00:21:37 And what about Tim Messenger?
00:21:39 Tim Messenger's tenure as editor of
00:21:44 Our once great paper had
00:21:48 Not to mention persistent errors.
00:21:50 - He listed her age as 55.
00:21:53 Fifty-three.
00:21:55 What, what about Leslie Tiller?
00:21:57 Her horticultural expertise helped
00:21:59 Oh, she was ever so good.
00:22:01 Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame.
00:22:04 But it seemed she was set on moving away.
00:22:08 We couldn't have her sharing
00:22:11 Not least those heathens at Buford Abbey.
00:22:13 If we can't have her, no one can.
00:22:16 How can this be for the greater good?
00:22:18 - ALL: The greater good.
00:22:20 These people died for no reason.
00:22:23 Oh, I wouldn't say that.
00:22:27 Hello, Nicholas.
00:22:30 I was like you once.
00:22:32 I believed in the immutable word of the law.
00:22:36 That is until the night Mrs Butterman
00:22:41 You see,
00:22:43 She was head of the Womers Institute,
00:22:48 When they started
00:22:50 she worked round the clock.
00:22:55 On the eve of the adjudicator's arrival,
00:23:01 Before you could say, "Gypsy scum,"
00:23:04 thieving kids and crusty jugglers.
00:23:07 ALL: Crusty jugglers.
00:23:09 We lost the title and Irene lost her mind.
00:23:13 She drove her Datsun Cherry
00:23:17 From that moment on,
00:23:23 And whatever the cost,
00:23:27 Sir, this doesn't make any sense.
00:23:29 The adjudicators arrive tomorrow.
00:23:33 Are you saying this is all about
00:23:36 This is the best village, Nicholas.
00:23:40 - They're happy, contented.
00:23:44 Sergeant Popwell
00:23:47 I'm disappointed
00:23:49 Well, I'm happy to disappoint you, sir.
00:23:52 And I'm afraid
00:23:54 You are all gonna have to come with me.
00:23:56 No, Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you
00:24:00 who is going to have to come with us.
00:24:11 Danny, no.
00:24:17 Back off! Back off!
00:24:18 Or I swear to God,
00:24:21 and accidentally cut off his own head.
00:24:22 Come on, Nicholas.
00:24:24 I mean it!
00:24:29 Shit!
00:24:45 FRANK: (ECHOING)
00:24:49 Thieving kids. Dog muck.
00:24:54 Crusty jugglers.
00:24:56 Crusty jugglers. Crusty jugglers.
00:25:01 Crusty jugglers.
00:25:02 There hasn't been a recorded murder
00:25:06 There's a reason we accommodate
00:25:09 Spot of bother up at Ellroy Farm.
00:25:12 I'll make sure everyone gets
00:25:15 (VOICES ECHOING)
00:25:19 WEAVER: If we don't come down hard
00:25:22 FRANK: We'll get round to it.
00:25:36 Danny!
00:26:13 Ta-da.
00:26:14 - (WHISPERING) What are you doing?
00:26:20 - This is murder!
00:26:22 I'm not talking about that,
00:26:25 - What others?
00:26:28 - That's not true.
00:26:30 Dad just said it was his special club, he...
00:26:32 I thought it was about
00:26:34 - and sending them on their way.
00:26:37 I don't know nothing about no skelingtons.
00:26:39 - What did you think was happening?
00:26:41 It's Frank.
00:26:42 He's appointed himself judge,
00:26:45 - He's not Judge Judy and executioner.
00:26:48 - You've gotta help me take him down.
00:26:52 He's my dad. Take my car.
00:26:56 Go back to London.
00:26:59 I can come back.
00:27:01 I can come back,
00:27:03 of the Metropolitan Police Service with me.
00:27:05 They'll make it disappear.
00:27:08 My dad, or a loony London police officer.
00:27:11 But it won't be just me, will it?
00:27:13 We can do it together.
00:27:16 Forget it, Nicholas. It's Sandford.
00:28:12 Is that everything? Sir?
00:28:20 Sir? Sir?
00:28:25 - Is there anything I can do for you?
00:28:32 This is something I have to do myself.
00:29:00 Another beautiful day in God's country.
00:29:12 Danny?
00:29:22 It's...
00:29:29 Mum!
00:29:41 What you gonna do?
00:29:43 Just walk in and arrest the whole village?
00:29:48 Not exactly.
00:30:22 Oh, Sergeant Angel?
00:30:33 I'll tell them you'll ring them back.
00:30:38 - Well, that's funny.
00:30:40 I didn't know we had a mounted division.
00:30:43 Nobody tells me nothing.
00:31:01 Wanna do something useful?
00:31:13 AMANDA: Annette, that Sergeant Angel's
00:31:19 ANNETTE: (WHISPERS) Roger that!
00:31:22 - It's...
00:31:27 (HORSE HOOVES CLOMPING)
00:32:36 Morning.
00:33:16 (BEEPING)
00:33:18 (SCREAMS)
00:33:32 (EXCLAIMING)
00:34:01 That's what I'm talking about.
00:34:18 Still feel like you're missing out?
00:34:40 (SCREAMS)
00:34:47 Fascist!
00:35:05 Hag!
00:35:06 (SCREAMS)
00:35:25 Stop! Stop this, please!
00:35:29 Let us stop this mindless violence.
00:35:34 Nicholas, my son.
00:35:37 You may not be a man of God,
00:35:41 I may not be a man of God, Reverend,
00:35:47 and I have the good grace
00:35:50 Oh, fuck off, Grasshopper.
00:35:55 No!
00:35:57 Jesus Christ!
00:36:00 Nicholas! Nicholas!
00:36:02 (GASPING)
00:36:08 I thought you was a goner.
00:36:10 Drop your weapons!
00:36:12 - Dr. Hatcher, no!
00:36:15 I brought you into this world,
00:36:19 I should be the one to take you out of it.
00:36:22 You and your interfering little friend.
00:36:26 Now...
00:36:32 drop them.
00:36:40 (SCREAMING)
00:36:50 - You're a doctor, deal with it.
00:36:55 - Danny, let's roll.
00:36:59 Pub?
00:38:00 Roy!
00:38:03 Somebody call the police!
00:38:06 Freeze!
00:38:10 Officers, arrest that man.
00:38:13 - Danny, step away from the Sergeant.
00:38:17 Danny, you'll do as you're told.
00:38:19 I'm not taking orders from you anymore.
00:38:22 - Officers, arrest these men!
00:38:26 You can arrest us if you like.
00:38:27 You can throw us in prison and go back
00:38:29 Or you can be real police officers,
00:38:31 and help us bring an end
00:38:34 What the fuck is he on about?
00:38:36 Fuck are you on about?
00:38:37 Have you ever wondered
00:38:40 - And yet the accident rate, it's so high?
00:38:44 You've been brainwashed, Tony.
00:38:46 Brainwashed into naivety by an old man
00:38:49 - This is ridiculous.
00:38:54 And it's only now that I'm starting to realise
00:38:57 Silence, Danny!
00:38:59 - Think of your mother.
00:39:03 For the first time in my life,
00:39:07 If she could see what you've become,
00:39:09 I think she'd probably kill herself
00:39:13 Sorry, I am completely lost.
00:39:15 Sandford is a lie, Doris.
00:39:17 For the last 20 years, the village
00:39:20 They've lulled everyone
00:39:23 and killed anyone
00:39:33 I reckon he's got something there.
00:39:37 He says,
00:39:40 I know.
00:39:41 You're not seriously gonna
00:39:45 Are you? He isn't even from round here.
00:39:52 Maybe it's time to give it up, sir.
00:39:57 You incompetent flatfoots!
00:40:09 Officer Walker, stay here with Saxon
00:40:12 Fair enough.
00:40:13 Officers, let's go.
00:40:16 - What about Dad?
00:40:19 Want anything from the shop?
00:40:30 (GUNS COCKING)
00:40:38 - What you thinking?
00:40:40 We should strike now,
00:40:42 Longer we wait,
00:40:44 I say we go in through the front entrance,
00:40:47 They won't be expecting that.
00:40:49 Very good. What he said.
00:40:53 My, my. Here come the fuzz.
00:40:58 - Maybe they're not here.
00:41:01 - Don't go in on your own.
00:41:08 Okay. They're in.
00:41:09 You deal with the store.
00:41:15 (BOTH EXCLAIM)
00:41:22 No, listen. Wait, wait, wait, Michael,
00:41:27 Is this what you really, really want?
00:41:29 Yarp.
00:41:31 Suit yourself.
00:41:41 FISHER: Go, go, go.
00:41:45 Oh, come on.
00:41:58 (SCREAMS)
00:41:59 Andy!
00:42:04 It's all right, Andy. It's just Bolognese!
00:42:46 (GRUNTING)
00:43:07 - How's Lurch?
00:43:09 - Did you say, "Cool off"?
00:43:12 Shame.
00:43:14 There was a bit earlier on that you missed
00:43:15 when I distracted him
00:43:17 And then I said, "Playtime's over,"
00:43:20 You're off the fucking chain!
00:43:22 - What's the situation?
00:43:25 What do you reckon?
00:43:30 Idea.
00:43:34 (ALL YELLING)
00:43:55 Good work, everyone.
00:43:57 (SCREAMING)
00:44:04 (SQUEAKING)
00:44:06 - Nice one, Doris.
00:44:12 Fruit attack!
00:44:15 Can you handle this, Sergeant Fisher?
00:44:18 We're on it, Sergeant.
00:44:20 - Danny, let's rock.
00:44:22 Don't go being a twat now.
00:44:24 I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.
00:44:34 - We should get down there.
00:44:35 Skip.
00:44:44 - Head them off?
00:44:58 - I'll drive.
00:45:04 (SIREN WAILING)
00:45:46 Bang! Bang!
00:45:53 Swan!
00:46:14 Swan!
00:46:19 (CAWING)
00:46:42 Stay back! Or the ginger nut gets it!
00:46:47 (SCREAMS)
00:46:48 You little fucker!
00:46:55 (SCREAMS)
00:47:27 Get out of my village!
00:47:37 It's not your village anymore.
00:47:56 - You did good, kid.
00:47:58 - What's your name?
00:48:01 Sorry?
00:48:04 Angel!
00:48:29 It's over, Danny.
00:48:32 It's over.
00:48:34 (GROANING)
00:48:37 This really hurts.
00:48:42 I'm going to need some ice-cream.
00:48:48 Yeah, well, don't worry.
00:48:51 Isn't that right, Danny?
00:48:52 (GUN COCKING)
00:48:53 Stay back!
00:48:54 - Pack it in, Frank, you silly bastard!
00:48:58 We don't want any more bloodshed.
00:49:00 Frank, this whole thing started
00:49:03 Don't expect me to believe
00:49:05 I'll tell you how this is gonna end!
00:49:45 (FRANK SCREAMING)
00:49:50 I feel like I should say something smart.
00:49:52 You don't have to say anything at all.
00:50:02 (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
00:50:07 Satisfactory conclusion
00:50:11 Now, my perfect Sunday would begin with...
00:50:15 (SKINNER GROANING)
00:50:20 CHIEF INSPECTOR:
00:50:21 We... We...
00:50:24 - Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy.
00:50:27 The figures have gone a little squiffy
00:50:31 Come back to London.
00:50:32 Sandford's hardly a fitting place
00:50:35 Yeah, well, the thing is, sir.
00:50:39 I kind of like it here.
00:50:41 Besides, we have to do
00:50:49 (INAUDIBLE)
00:51:15 - Fuck's sake, Nick, this is gonna take ages.
00:51:16 FISHER: Well, good job
00:51:17 Well, official vocab guidelines state
00:51:21 'cause "manpower's" a bit sexist.
00:51:24 (ALL EXCLAIMING)
00:51:26 You don't mind a bit
00:51:28 Oh, dirty bastard!
00:51:32 Andy!
00:51:34 You cheeky fucker!
00:51:45 You know what you are?
00:51:47 A bloody busybody!
00:51:55 No!
00:52:03 (DOOR LOCK BUZZING)
00:52:10 (TICKING)
00:52:12 Oh, God, no!
00:52:36 ANGEL: Danny!
00:52:40 Danny!
00:52:42 Oh, God.
00:52:43 Hold on, Danny, just hold on.
00:52:45 Hold on, it's gonna be fine.
00:52:48 Just hang on, hang on!
00:52:51 Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:55 Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:57 Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:59 Everything's gonna be just fine.
00:53:40 Hope these are okay.
00:53:44 Yeah. They're lovely.
00:53:57 - Any officers near the church?
00:54:01 Chief, we've had a report
00:54:02 messing with the recycling bins
00:54:05 - Leave it with us.
00:54:07 Sergeant Butterman,
00:54:11 Bring the noise.
00:54:14 (SIREN BLARING)