Hudson Hawk

en
00:00:30 Long ago, the Duke of Milan
00:00:35 to erect a mammoth statue
00:00:41 The time was 1481.
00:00:43 The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.
00:00:47 The guy on the donkey
00:00:51 Anyway, they called this statue
00:00:56 and it was going to be
00:01:00 But wouldn't you know it?
00:01:03 War broke out,
00:01:07 so da Vinci decided
00:01:10 to change common lead
00:01:14 But when da Vinci finally turned
00:01:18 it was to give him something
00:01:25 Something much more than bronze.
00:01:28 Leonardo!
00:03:43 - Gold?
00:06:12 Exactly 500 years later...
00:06:16 an artiste of a different field...
00:06:18 the one of cat burglary...
00:06:21 was getting out of Sing Sing.
00:06:26 He was known as the Hudson Hawk.
00:06:30 Got a coat, hat.
00:06:30 Got a coat, hat.
00:06:33 Here's your personal items.
00:06:35 Here's your wallet.
00:06:37 You'll find everything in there.
00:06:42 Keep it. Ready?
00:06:44 I got it, Charlie.
00:06:45 Eddie! Eddie!
00:06:47 So the Hudson Hawk is getting out!
00:06:50 Remember all the reporters here
00:06:53 "World's Greatest Cat Burglar."
00:06:57 - Got a proposition.
00:07:00 As your parole officer,
00:07:03 - No way.
00:07:06 An auction house.
00:07:09 No checking in with a shrink,
00:07:12 But I want to do community service,
00:07:16 I ain't stealing no more, Gates.
00:07:20 Ten years later, you're still
00:07:22 Same old coat, same old hat.
00:07:26 From you that's a powerful statement.
00:07:28 Aren't you supposed
00:07:30 "Book 'em, Danno,"
00:07:33 You ain't out yet.
00:07:35 I can set you up and send you back
00:07:39 It's a very fine line
00:07:45 Gates, do it yourself.
00:07:49 Hey, he's got my key!
00:08:00 Open the gate.
00:08:07 - See you around, Mike.
00:08:26 That's the first thing I did,
00:08:30 Sorry I'm late.
00:08:32 As always, your timing is impeccable.
00:08:39 - Where's the kiss?
00:08:41 No tongue. I promise.
00:08:44 - Whoa!
00:08:48 - You've been expanding your...
00:08:52 I'm sensitive about my figure.
00:08:54 My next word
00:08:57 Tubbo.
00:09:01 You're free, you son of a bitch!
00:09:08 What do you want to do? Statue
00:09:12 Broadway tix? Seduce women?
00:09:15 Play Nintendo?
00:09:20 What's Nintendo?
00:09:23 Get me to the Five Tone. I'll strangle
00:09:27 You still got a thing for
00:09:30 - What can I say?
00:09:34 The man knows! The man knows!
00:09:37 Mr. Coffee, have any trouble
00:09:41 Not much. Gates tried to blackmail me
00:09:45 That doughnut-hole-e
00:09:47 Take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer
00:09:51 Had the perfect amount of foam.
00:09:53 I'll get you ten of them at the bar.
00:09:56 Gates wants you to rob
00:09:58 - Yes. Are you going deaf?
00:10:02 - Look, I am not going deaf.
00:10:06 All right. I am not deaf.
00:10:10 Tell you something about the bar.
00:10:13 Five Tone Bar and Grill.
00:10:16 At least there's one thing
00:10:20 I don't know how to tell you this.
00:10:24 Now we're a nice, local bar
00:10:28 I read about these people in Newsweek.
00:10:31 - Where's the regulars? Crazy Jack Cava?
00:10:35 - Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph?
00:10:37 Tommy, you took down
00:10:40 They're all gone.
00:10:42 But look at the bright side.
00:10:46 Blackjack, give my irritable partner
00:10:49 I gotta go be a boss.
00:10:53 Reindeer goat cheese pizza?
00:10:59 Thank you, Jesus.
00:11:24 Cute shot.
00:11:26 Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.
00:11:31 So, why won't you do
00:11:33 Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.
00:11:36 I don't like to commit a crime
00:11:39 It's very simple.
00:11:41 There's a safe on the seventh floor.
00:11:45 Directions even your brother
00:11:47 Yeah, directions
00:11:49 Shut up.
00:11:51 You're the best.
00:11:53 You're the only one who can do this.
00:11:56 Don't tell me you want to open a store,
00:12:01 If the Mario brothers weren't New
00:12:05 I'd say "Kiss my ass."
00:12:07 But considering your status,
00:12:10 - Sit.
00:12:12 Have you lovely ladies tried
00:12:15 Beat it, Tommy.
00:12:18 Enough!
00:12:23 You don't do that auction house job,
00:12:27 And I promise you, my friend,
00:12:33 Get him outta here.
00:12:52 "Witchcraft"?
00:12:53 Three minutes, 57 seconds.
00:12:55 - "Night and Day"?
00:12:58 - Sinatra!
00:13:01 "Hit the Road, Jack"?
00:13:02 - Where are my needle-nose pliers?
00:13:05 - "Hit the Road, Jack"?
00:13:11 How could you take this down?
00:13:15 Remember that night he came in?
00:13:20 - Yes?
00:13:22 Come here.
00:13:23 We got a nasty safe
00:13:26 - Simpson?
00:13:28 - What's the mechanism?
00:13:31 Last time Simpson only made a 40.
00:13:33 It's gonna take you
00:13:36 - I'm not worried about the safe.
00:13:38 We know any of the guards? Not one?
00:13:42 - Not one.
00:13:44 - I have a plan.
00:13:46 I have a great plan. Great!
00:13:52 What the hell am I doing?
00:13:54 Huh? I'm getting ready to do some crime,
00:14:00 I should be looking in the want ads
00:14:05 We're moving too fast.
00:14:09 - What is that?
00:14:14 Is this funny? You think this is
00:14:34 - How many seconds?
00:14:37 On the thumbcuffs.
00:14:39 Not counting the bitching and whining,
00:14:44 They're not going to let you
00:14:48 I ain't never gonna get
00:14:52 - You still got it?
00:14:57 - "Mack the Knife"?
00:15:00 "I Only Have Eyes for You"?
00:15:02 I didn't know you cared.
00:15:05 - "Xanadu"?
00:15:07 Four minutes, 19 seconds.
00:15:09 "Star-Spangled Banner"?
00:15:13 Hi. How you doing?
00:15:14 - Seven minutes, 17 seconds.
00:15:17 Let me ask you something. How come
00:15:21 You're bumming my high. It's show time!
00:15:25 Tommy, hold on.
00:15:28 The sign says "No horseplay
00:15:30 This isn't horseplay.
00:16:04 Come on, Grandpa.
00:16:10 Tommy, can you give me one good reason
00:16:14 I'll give you two.
00:16:18 - You don't really think they'd...
00:16:21 I see.
00:16:23 - You have dinner tonight?
00:16:25 'Cause this rope only holds 900 pounds!
00:16:28 Stop fooling around!
00:16:30 - I'm not fooling around!
00:16:32 Pick me up, pick me up.
00:16:34 All right!
00:16:36 I wish you'd lay off the pasta.
00:16:45 Whoa! What are you doing?
00:16:48 Covering our tracks.
00:16:52 Now we have no choice, do we?
00:17:03 What?
00:17:05 Better make the hole bigger.
00:17:07 Don't worry, bonehead.
00:17:39 Six hundred seventy-three Wongs
00:17:43 Hell of a lot of Wong numbers.
00:17:46 Look up Chin.
00:18:03 - That's it.
00:18:07 Just checking.
00:18:29 They record everything
00:18:31 Yes, I can see that, master thief.
00:18:35 Am I boring you, smart-ass?
00:18:38 Jerry, check out Big Stan.
00:18:45 Watch this.
00:18:51 Big Stan!
00:18:56 Watch. A little rewind and replay
00:19:00 They're going to miss out
00:19:03 You figure this out all by yourself?
00:19:06 We got about five minutes
00:19:10 5:32. "Swinging on a Star.''
00:19:13 They invented something while
00:19:15 - Tommy.
00:19:21 One. Two.
00:19:23 One. Two. Three.
00:19:24 Would you like to swing on a star
00:19:28 Carry moonbeams home in a jar
00:19:31 And be better off than you are
00:19:36 Or would you rather be a mule
00:19:39 A mule is an animal
00:19:42 He kicks up at anything he hears
00:19:46 His back is brawny
00:19:50 He's just plain stupid
00:19:53 And by the way
00:19:57 You may grow up to be a mule
00:20:00 Or would you like
00:20:03 Carry moonbeams home in a jar
00:20:06 They're back on.
00:20:07 And be better off than you are
00:20:12 Or would you rather be a fish
00:20:15 A fish is an animal
00:20:18 He can't write his name
00:20:22 To fool the people
00:20:26 And though he's slippery
00:20:29 If that sort of life
00:20:33 You may grow up to be a fish
00:20:36 Or would you like
00:20:40 Carry moonbeams home in a jar
00:20:43 And be better off than you are
00:20:48 Or would you rather be a pig
00:20:50 A pig is an animal
00:20:54 His shoes are a terrible disgrace
00:20:58 He's got no manners
00:21:01 He's fat and lazy
00:21:04 But if you don't care
00:21:09 You may grow up to be a pig
00:21:12 And all the monkeys
00:21:15 Every day you see quite a few
00:21:19 So you see
00:21:23 You could be better than you are
00:21:27 - You could be swinging on a star
00:21:30 - Just out of jail and I'm robbing.
00:21:36 Dean, I don't get it.
00:21:38 I see the blue chair
00:21:40 I didn't want to do it.
00:21:43 Snap out of it!
00:21:44 You think that's strange,
00:21:47 That's us!
00:21:49 Somebody rewired the recorders!
00:21:51 - I hold you responsible.
00:21:56 You could be swinging on a star
00:22:16 - Let's go out the back way.
00:22:19 Get up.
00:22:25 - Would you get going?
00:22:29 - Go, go!
00:22:31 Come on!
00:22:35 I'm happy we covered our tracks!
00:22:42 Can I ask a question?
00:22:46 No, you're a slender reed
00:22:51 Come on, Slim Jim.
00:23:06 Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honor.
00:23:08 Good job.
00:23:11 All this trouble for a horsey.
00:23:14 I may not know art,
00:23:19 You do.
00:23:20 When's this Buckingham Palace-looking
00:23:26 Any minute now, Mr. Gates.
00:23:34 Oh, sorry, Jeeves.
00:23:36 May I?
00:23:40 Exquisite.
00:23:42 Leonardo da Vinci's last commission
00:23:48 Irreplaceable.
00:23:49 Mr. French, I'm...
00:23:55 What?
00:23:59 You son of a bitch!
00:24:01 I stuck my neck out setting this up
00:24:04 Where's my cut?
00:24:15 So much for his cut.
00:24:18 Forgive my dry British humor.
00:24:21 I think Gates
00:24:33 Lovely work, Alfred.
00:24:36 Always, Mr. Mario.
00:24:38 I'm racking up
00:24:44 Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.
00:24:49 Yo, Five Tone.
00:24:51 Did I miss anything?
00:24:53 Gates tries to blackmail me,
00:24:57 Gates gets killed, you say,
00:25:00 I bet you went to Mrs. Lincoln
00:25:02 "How was the show?
00:25:10 Might get this looked at.
00:25:12 Gates was killed?
00:25:15 The butler did it. The guy was a cross
00:25:20 Took Mr. Ed, humpty-dumptied it
00:25:23 and said it was made
00:25:25 Da Vinci's "Sforza."
00:25:27 I consider it the prize of tonight's
00:25:33 Horse things.
00:25:34 All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.
00:25:37 Morning edition.
00:25:40 two thieves attempted to steal it.
00:25:42 But thanks to three brave guards,
00:25:46 Attempted? I didn't want to steal it
00:25:52 - I don't understand this.
00:25:55 I'm tired of not understanding things.
00:25:58 Butlers forcing me to steal something
00:26:02 It's too goddamn peculiar.
00:26:05 Let me ask you.
00:26:08 A fantastic example
00:26:08 A fantastic example
00:26:12 Now who will start at 140,000?
00:26:17 140,000.
00:26:19 160,000.
00:26:20 70. 80. 90,000.
00:26:24 200.
00:26:27 20.
00:26:29 40.
00:26:32 You could be swinging on a star
00:26:34 250,000!
00:26:47 Sold!
00:26:49 After all these years, I still get
00:26:55 The paintings, the sculptures.
00:26:57 Things that aren't really paintings
00:27:00 Vultures never look up from their
00:27:04 That gives me goose bumps.
00:27:07 - Auctions are disgusting.
00:27:10 Savages.
00:27:12 Now lot 15.
00:27:15 An equestrian piece
00:27:20 Who will start 250,000?
00:27:39 Sold!
00:27:41 And finally lot number 17...
00:27:46 thought to be lost in the war...
00:27:48 and again last night.
00:27:51 The da Vinci "Sforza,"
00:27:57 Fantastic!
00:27:58 Is looking like a constipated warthog
00:28:03 We have Doctoressa Anna Baragli
00:28:07 Some of us warthogs
00:28:37 Perfection.
00:28:38 The Vatican extends its jealously
00:28:42 Thank you.
00:28:44 We'll begin the bidding...
00:28:47 at $20 million.
00:28:51 Waldo!
00:28:53 100 million clams!
00:28:56 That's $100 million...
00:28:59 to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
00:29:04 One hundred million and one...
00:29:07 Waldo!
00:29:10 Fantastic!
00:29:12 $100 million and one.
00:29:15 Outbid by mine own wench.
00:29:18 Don't hate me, baby.
00:29:24 Bunny.
00:29:25 Any other bids?
00:29:28 Going once.
00:29:36 Going twice.
00:29:43 Gone!
00:30:07 My God, that was bold of you.
00:30:11 It's nothing.
00:30:13 I mean, you didn't have to tackle me.
00:30:17 I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me.
00:30:22 Because danger is my middle...
00:30:40 You couldn't just play along,
00:30:44 Classy way of covering our tracks, eh?
00:30:47 That auctioneer ought to be landing
00:30:51 Hey, subtlety's not one
00:31:20 Menthol.
00:31:24 This is a brand-new tuxedo!
00:31:28 Mister, are you going to die?
00:31:39 Happy sailing!
00:31:43 How am I driving?
00:31:49 Toll booth?
00:31:59 Exact change?
00:32:13 - Make a road kill!
00:32:16 Run him down!
00:32:31 Cesar! Antony!
00:32:36 Are you okay?
00:32:59 What's the matter with you?
00:33:02 Name's Snickers.
00:33:07 Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.
00:33:11 It's better than when
00:33:13 Our code names were diseases. Know what
00:33:19 Forgot.
00:33:35 - My names Butterfinger.
00:33:43 Like the Company's new look?
00:33:45 I call them the MTVIA.
00:33:47 George, you promised.
00:33:52 Punks.
00:33:54 They think the Bay of Pigs
00:33:56 and the cold war has something
00:33:59 Don't I know you?
00:34:00 The last time you saw me I was bald,
00:34:04 and I had a different nose.
00:34:06 So if you don't recognize me,
00:34:09 My high school science teacher?
00:34:12 I tricked you into robbing
00:34:15 then had you sent to prison for it.
00:34:17 George Kaplan.
00:34:23 I don't hold grudges.
00:34:25 Aah! I used you as a diversion.
00:34:28 I guess down deep I was jealous.
00:34:31 You were one hell of a thiet.
00:34:34 To what do I owe this honor
00:34:37 I want to make it up to you.
00:34:40 To quote the late Karen Carpenter,
00:34:45 Three minutes, four seconds.
00:34:47 But you're a little late.
00:34:49 Maybe nobody told you.
00:34:52 - My employer wants a meeting.
00:34:55 - The president?
00:35:00 Good god, what's that?
00:35:03 You don't expect me to fall
00:35:07 Shucks. I guess not.
00:35:10 - Now?
00:36:11 No way.
00:36:13 Welcome to Rome, sir.
00:36:38 So, Hawk. The Hawkster.
00:36:38 So, Hawk. The Hawkster.
00:36:43 Why did you duck at the auction?
00:36:48 What can I tell you?
00:36:51 Initially, it was a priority
00:36:55 Since most are dead now,
00:36:57 Hawky, you come highly recommended.
00:37:00 I hired Kaplan and the Marios
00:37:05 Hey, I want to be
00:37:18 I've got the power
00:37:29 Ladies and gentlemen of the board
00:37:32 Let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.
00:37:41 Hello.
00:37:43 Bunny, ball-ball.
00:37:47 Hawkmeister.
00:37:48 We've got you clothes, a great hotel
00:37:53 That's $200 a day so he can get
00:37:58 We see who wears the penis
00:38:03 For God's sakes,
00:38:08 Listen, this might be hard to believe,
00:38:15 I just want to be happy.
00:38:17 And happiness comes
00:38:22 It's just that when you've made
00:38:27 it's hard to come up with new ones.
00:38:30 But now, finally,
00:38:35 World domination!
00:38:47 Shut up!
00:38:49 Bunny, quit that.
00:38:51 Ball-ball.
00:38:52 - Bunny's got today's ball-balls.
00:38:55 Bunny, you weren't that bad!
00:38:57 Just two more minutes.
00:39:01 Seriously, Concorde me home, jail me.
00:39:06 You go back to jail,
00:39:10 You'll have a guinea barkeep cell mate
00:39:15 You're young enough to enjoy shanking
00:39:22 But Tommy Five- Tone...
00:39:23 will go in knowing
00:39:26 will be to attend his own funeral.
00:39:34 Depressing?
00:39:39 Wouldn't waste a dime for th
00:39:43 The magic word.
00:39:46 It's veja du.
00:39:49 Kaplan and his C.I.A. candy bars
00:39:55 They put the fake horse in the safe
00:40:05 - Damn Fotomat assholes!
00:40:08 My man, you're going to hit a church.
00:40:11 We want you to steal
00:40:18 Vatican?
00:40:20 I'm robbing the Vatican.
00:40:23 The nuns at St. Agnes...
00:40:26 predicted this.
00:40:27 What do they call you?
00:41:03 I'm being blackmailed into robbing
00:41:07 I don't...
00:41:10 That's okay.
00:42:06 Stop it!
00:42:19 Though Leonardo is best known
00:42:22 it was his gift as an inventor
00:42:26 and art...
00:42:28 that is most incredible.
00:42:36 Tough guy,
00:42:39 Every time I get around you,
00:42:47 As you know, the da Vinci codex...
00:42:49 has lived in the Vatican for centuries,
00:42:53 That's what you think.
00:42:55 - Question?
00:42:58 His untiring pen predicted
00:43:01 the submarine...
00:43:02 the bicycle, the helicopter
00:43:07 These designs inspired him
00:43:25 - Something wrong?
00:43:27 Pokey!
00:43:33 - That smoke bad for you?
00:43:35 - Where are we going?
00:43:44 Are you going to tell me
00:43:48 You mean Pokey?
00:43:50 Can you believe that kooky elephant?
00:43:54 What is this?
00:43:55 It's a postal subway.
00:43:57 Can I get to Times Square from here?
00:44:00 The pope takes his mail seriously.
00:44:03 Christmas cards, Easter seals.
00:44:06 I see.
00:44:09 Actually, I don't see.
00:44:12 How do you know this stuff?
00:44:14 I do a lot of things, but I don't steal
00:44:20 My life's pretty boring.
00:44:23 Yeah, mine, too.
00:44:26 Want to have dinner?
00:44:28 Nice, boring dinner?
00:44:30 Scrabble, knock-knock jokes,
00:44:33 I'll bring my entire repertoire.
00:44:41 And I'll bring my entire entourage.
00:44:44 There's a place around the corner.
00:44:49 Hey, thanks.
00:44:59 Father, it's obvious
00:45:03 - Report upstairs at once.
00:45:17 Did he mention the Mayflowers?
00:45:19 No, but he's going to steal the codex.
00:45:22 - I'm not sure when.
00:45:25 The vanity of this Hudson Hawk.
00:45:28 The Vatican has foiled the advances
00:45:32 We will not lie down
00:45:36 And must you flirt with him
00:45:42 That's the only way.
00:45:44 As an agent of our organization,
00:45:49 Just remember, Hudson Hawk
00:46:13 Operator, I'd like to make a collect
00:46:19 What?
00:46:20 No, don't put me...
00:46:26 Thank you for calling AT& T.
00:46:30 Thank God.
00:46:40 Pick up the phone, you reindeer
00:46:46 Pick it up.
00:46:49 Pick it up, Tommy.
00:46:51 The black thing on the desk.
00:46:55 Come on, Tommy.
00:47:11 Want more, Jumbo?
00:47:13 Kick your big, flabby ass.
00:47:22 - Enjoying Italy?
00:47:25 Yes.
00:47:27 I've always had a soft spot
00:47:31 I did my first
00:47:35 Communist politician.
00:47:37 George, you big softie.
00:47:39 I miss Communism!
00:47:43 The Red threat.
00:47:45 People were scared.
00:47:49 The Agency had respect,
00:47:55 Brief him, Snickers.
00:47:57 Good news. The Mayflowers
00:48:00 You're hitting the Vatican tonight.
00:48:03 The timing is not right.
00:48:05 I'm under- equipped and I've got a date.
00:48:07 Grapple, bikers bottle....
00:48:09 Pocket Fisherman, olive oil...
00:48:11 100 stamps?
00:48:13 This is going to be some date.
00:48:16 Make that list happen.
00:48:19 It's one thing to play hide-and-seek
00:48:23 but we're sore losers.
00:48:26 We blow up space shuttles
00:48:28 You and Tommy would be nothing more
00:48:35 Hey, old man!
00:48:38 You come back here
00:48:41 and I'll kick your centrally intelligent
00:48:54 "Beware the blue wire"?
00:48:59 I got your stamps.
00:49:01 Good, Yogi.
00:51:02 Kit Kat, how did you know
00:53:40 I was afraid you wouldn't drop by.
00:53:43 Am I late?
00:53:53 You look very nice.
00:53:57 - What?
00:54:01 Very nice.
00:54:06 And bring ketchup.
00:54:09 You heard him.
00:54:17 Come on, Pierre, read my lips.
00:54:21 Steak burger.
00:54:23 French fries. This is France.
00:54:27 Actually, it's Italy.
00:54:29 As if it made a difference.
00:54:34 To be in "Paree" and in love.
00:54:42 They had the worst ketchup in prison.
00:54:44 Prison?
00:54:48 I was a warden.
00:54:50 - How long were you in?
00:54:56 Wow.
00:54:57 You were in the joint doing hard time.
00:55:04 It's funny, but that excites me.
00:55:08 I seem to have a thing for sinners.
00:55:10 I seem to have a thing for sinning.
00:55:14 Where'd you get the hawk?
00:55:16 Ossining, New York.
00:55:19 Where'd you get the name Hudson Hawk?
00:55:22 Well, "the hawk" is a slang word...
00:55:25 for the cold wind
00:55:29 I grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey,
00:55:33 - So Hudson River...
00:55:37 - Where'd you get these?
00:55:42 - What happened?
00:55:44 - Does it hurt?
00:55:46 - Maybe I can make them feel better.
00:56:03 Don't tickle me. Don't do it
00:56:08 What?
00:56:10 I better whisper it to you.
00:56:12 Come here.
00:56:15 I can't.
00:56:21 - What's the matter?
00:56:25 It's been a really long time for me.
00:56:28 Outside of a friendly dog yesterday,
00:56:33 I don't make love every ten years,
00:56:38 I'm not sure if I remember
00:56:43 Not that I ever kissed guys.
00:56:54 Catholic girls are scary.
00:56:56 - Somebody robbed the Vatican.
00:57:05 It's not what you think.
00:57:08 You went and did it.
00:57:10 In less than one day of planning,
00:57:13 You started the week by stealing the
00:57:17 What are your plans for the weekend?
00:57:21 Tell me. Did the devil make you do it?
00:57:26 Can't we go back to the kissing part?
00:57:32 What's going on in there?
00:57:34 You want me to rape them?
00:57:38 Just read your book, Butterfinger.
00:57:47 "Not in a boat. Not on a train.
00:57:49 Not with a goat. Not in the rain.
00:57:54 To yourself.
00:57:56 It's more complicated than that.
00:57:58 Two years I've tracked the Mayflowers'
00:58:03 The "'Sforza" was a fake, but I was
00:58:07 Does everybody in the whole world
00:58:10 - You didn't know?
00:58:12 I'm just good at swiping stuff.
00:58:17 Who knew that would lead to this?
00:58:21 They've even got the C.I.A.
00:58:25 Here's looking at you, kid.
00:58:29 Hey, this doesn't taste
00:58:32 Oh. I guess I put too much
00:58:40 Why didn't you tell me that Hawk
00:58:43 My people will not be happy.
00:58:55 Damn meddlesome Vatican organization.
00:59:01 Way to go!
00:59:02 Hudson Hawk had some interesting things
00:59:07 Basically that you're all
00:59:10 Anna, Anna, if that were so...
00:59:14 Almond Joy would have handed you your
00:59:18 The trip is this.
00:59:21 When the Mayflowers find out we have
00:59:25 We deal, they'll buy, we bust.
00:59:27 - A classic sting.
00:59:31 I wouldn't worry much about him.
00:59:33 He's in very good hands.
00:59:36 But you look really tired, kiddo.
00:59:39 Maybe you should go back to Rome
00:59:41 Oh, there you are.
00:59:45 See that Miss Baragli gets home safely.
00:59:50 Arrivederci, baby.
00:59:55 It's a great dress, but why didn't you
00:59:59 Close call. Close call.
01:00:03 But she's our only way of keeping tabs
01:00:12 Bunny Mayflower!
01:00:15 Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been
01:00:15 Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been
01:00:19 Hit me with your best shot.
01:00:22 I betrayed a man.
01:00:24 A good man, an innocent man,
01:00:28 What are you trying to say?
01:00:32 Father, we've been double-crossed
01:00:35 Hudson Hawk is not
01:00:37 He came into a world where crime
01:00:40 and legitimate government procedure.
01:00:42 But he knew right from wrong.
01:00:44 And we kind of messed around.
01:00:51 Messed around?
01:00:55 Seventeen Hail Marys...
01:00:57 and five minutes outside.
01:01:00 So, Sister,
01:01:04 that Hudson Hawk is not willingly
01:01:08 but that Kaplan
01:01:12 I thought we were using the C.I.A. To
01:01:17 The pope warned me
01:01:21 If the Mayflowers get all three crystals
01:01:24 the world economy will be ruined.
01:01:30 Lord help us.
01:01:32 But what of Tommy Five-Tone,
01:01:36 I'll find out.
01:01:38 Remember, you have your vows to God
01:01:43 Yes, Your Eminence.
01:01:46 - Just say, "God go with me.''
01:01:53 Ball! Ball!
01:01:53 Ball! Ball!
01:02:00 Jolly good shot.
01:02:03 Oh, Hudson Hawk.
01:02:05 Hudson Hawk!
01:02:08 You are a terrible cat burglar.
01:02:12 Haven't you ever seen David Niven?
01:02:15 - Like a cat, one would say.
01:02:21 - Let me do that.
01:02:33 Oh, you two!
01:02:35 There's nothing I hate more
01:02:38 You only had to follow Hawk.
01:02:40 It's not like I said teach
01:02:44 We'll have to kill them.
01:02:52 God, Minerva!
01:03:09 - Get away from there.
01:03:12 Don't hurt him.
01:03:17 Oh, really?
01:03:19 Don't hurt him?
01:03:24 What about this?
01:03:26 Surely this must offend.
01:03:31 Things are really heating up
01:03:35 Mama Mia Pizzeria.
01:03:38 You put your left foot in
01:03:41 There is a part of your body
01:03:47 I always wanted to sing
01:03:49 Big boys don't cry.
01:03:54 Three minutes, 27 seconds.
01:04:01 Look, you Eddie Munster motherfucker...
01:04:03 somebody better tell me what's going on
01:04:07 - I want to be treated like an adult.
01:04:15 What?
01:04:22 So, Captain Hawk...
01:04:22 So, Captain Hawk...
01:04:24 in one of your paws you've got
01:04:27 In the autre, you've got lead
01:04:31 Surely a master thief like you
01:04:35 One down. Kitty Carlisle.
01:04:37 Cool, isn't it?
01:04:40 They're all but identical.
01:04:43 On the periodic chart of elements,
01:04:47 Great minds worked for centuries
01:04:51 Alchemy?
01:04:53 Alchemy is the business term
01:04:56 Minerva read about it in
01:04:59 I dumped some lire into research.
01:05:02 Shazam! We come across a diary
01:05:06 detailing la machina de oro...
01:05:09 the gold machine
01:05:12 And the rest
01:05:14 Money isn't everything.
01:05:16 Gold is.
01:05:18 Fuck T-bills!
01:05:20 Fuck junk bonds!
01:05:24 Money will always be paper...
01:05:26 but gold will always be gold.
01:05:29 After a couple years
01:05:31 we'll flood the market with so much gold
01:05:34 the foundation of all finance,
01:05:38 Brokers, economists,
01:05:41 will drown in the saliva
01:05:44 - Sounds like a party.
01:05:48 Financial empires will crumble, crumble.
01:05:51 Except yours, yours.
01:05:53 In 1992, baby...
01:05:56 the European superpowers are c>oming
01:06:00 - That's one party we'll love to poop.
01:06:04 The last ingredient in the recipe
01:06:09 On display for three days only
01:06:13 - As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
01:06:17 You'll have to go in at night.
01:06:20 Twelve guards...
01:06:23 Time out.
01:06:25 I choose not to accept
01:06:28 Put me in jail.
01:06:29 Jail, you asshole! Our foot soldiers
01:06:33 Bunny, ball-ball.
01:06:36 I'll torture you so slowly,
01:06:39 I'll kill your friends,
01:06:41 and the bitch you took to the prom.
01:06:43 Betty Jo Biarski?
01:06:46 You have a dilemma.
01:06:48 I think I know
01:06:57 I'll kill you all!
01:06:59 I'll kill the butler,
01:07:02 I'm sick of this.
01:07:10 I hated cigarettes until I saw
01:07:14 "Keep off the grass,"
01:07:19 The only law I cared for was friendship.
01:07:27 I don't think it's a smoking hot idea
01:07:31 Relax. That's why we hired the pasta
01:07:37 This Gates-Mario Brothers,
01:07:40 seemed like a sweet deal.
01:07:44 Visit foreign lands,
01:07:47 I thought you'd get into it.
01:07:49 It's better than playing darts
01:07:54 But I didn't think
01:07:57 Them using me to use you.
01:08:01 I'm sorry, Eddie.
01:08:05 There's only one way out of this.
01:08:08 And it's gonna hurt me
01:08:15 They'll talk about being buddies
01:08:18 You've got to love male bonding.
01:08:32 Fucked my freedom for a lousy job.
01:08:46 You know something?
01:08:49 Really?
01:08:51 I was only kidding.
01:09:00 Tommy, no!
01:09:19 Plan B, George.
01:09:25 Plan B?
01:09:55 No sweat, Tommy.
01:09:57 Don't act like you never committed a
01:10:02 But when Anna tracked me down...
01:10:06 When those blanks went off,
01:10:11 Ketchup.
01:10:14 You fucked my freedom for a lousy job?
01:10:16 - You don't understand.
01:10:20 Assuming you are a woman. From now on,
01:10:23 I'm sorry. I work undercover for
01:10:27 Anna made me realize what a pawn I was.
01:10:29 - Man, I love you.
01:10:32 Oh. Then what's this?
01:10:34 - Where did you get that?
01:10:37 The place where you gave the bad guys
01:10:40 - That's from the gold machine.
01:10:42 They were that close to making it work.
01:10:44 But now they've lost the greatest
01:10:48 They won't be able to steal
01:10:51 And we get to go home.
01:10:54 - Let me ask you something.
01:10:56 Why'd they leave all these rocks
01:10:59 They're called ruins.
01:11:01 Ruins?
01:11:10 He had this look on his face
01:11:15 I never saw a look on a face like this.
01:11:17 He was so embarrassed.
01:11:20 Speaking of being caught, isn't
01:11:24 No. They fell for the fake death.
01:11:26 They think Hawk's been arrested.
01:11:29 Kaplan and the candy bars were seen
01:11:33 - Where to?
01:11:36 I'm not worried.
01:11:39 - Okay. On that note, it's time for bed.
01:11:48 You sleep here.
01:11:50 - Where you gonna sleep?
01:11:53 Yeah. Good night.
01:11:55 I'll get some sheets.
01:11:57 Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.
01:12:02 - It's a very special night.
01:12:06 - Is.
01:12:08 There's some things
01:12:10 There are things I do know about you,
01:12:16 This is not the time.
01:12:19 Look, can't we have
01:12:23 I'm sorry, but the machine's
01:12:28 Oh, yeah. I remember.
01:12:30 Good night.
01:12:34 Good night.
01:12:42 Don't even think about it.
01:12:45 It's a very special night
01:12:49 You're very funny.
01:13:12 Good morning.
01:13:14 The license plates on the police van
01:13:18 I'm losing respect for you.
01:13:20 You were that close to getting away
01:13:24 Where's Anna?
01:13:27 It's nice of you guys to drop by,
01:13:30 Come back in a half hour. We'll grab
01:13:35 I wish I could come up with this
01:13:39 But I can't, so I'll just paralyze you.
01:13:44 Curare darts.
01:13:46 When it comes to instantaneous loss
01:13:50 I highly recommend them.
01:13:52 I can't move! I'm gonna rip
01:13:56 Come here, you chickenshit
01:13:59 Come here! My head against your head.
01:14:03 This is how I go out?
01:14:06 Like a Gumby in a store?
01:14:08 What the fuck are you...
01:14:10 It's coming out my nose.
01:14:12 This is no way, George,
01:14:16 The Louvre?
01:14:19 The Louvre, Hawk,
01:14:24 Or should I say, this morning's.
01:14:26 I admit we displayed a lack of nuance.
01:14:29 Didn't wear black,
01:14:31 We weren't being judged for neatness,
01:14:36 Goddamn it! Yanks lose again!
01:14:38 - How'd the Mets do?
01:14:44 You guys may be the fairest
01:14:49 but if you weren't such snobs, those
01:14:55 That's irrelevant now.
01:15:05 You're irrelevant now.
01:15:08 Because tonight...
01:15:10 at the Castle da Vinci,
01:15:15 Rise and shine, sleepyheads!
01:15:16 More babes for the party.
01:15:18 Hi, Anna.
01:15:20 Don't be stupid, Mr. Kaplan.
01:15:23 Anna Baragli!
01:15:25 Came to play!
01:15:28 Anna-banana-fo-fanna...
01:15:30 you're not gonna shoot
01:15:32 You're not gonna shoot
01:15:34 - Pull the trigger.
01:15:36 - I read your dossier, Sister.
01:15:43 Why did she call you "sister"?
01:15:45 - I'm sorry. I meant to tell you.
01:15:49 - He didn't know!
01:15:52 Hawk likes a nun.
01:15:59 Those better be tears you're crying.
01:16:01 They are.
01:16:04 - It doesn't mean I don't love you.
01:16:08 - You probably love Butterfinger.
01:16:12 In a weird sort of Catholic way,
01:16:15 But you... You...
01:16:23 Miss Baragli's da Vinci expertise
01:16:27 - And as for you guys...
01:16:33 A souvenir.
01:16:40 - Later, guys.
01:16:45 We got some good news
01:16:45 We got some good news
01:16:47 The good news is you'll be unparalyzed
01:16:50 That bad news is that leaves you
01:16:54 Bombs?
01:17:02 I'm so glad it had to be like this.
01:17:04 I'll shoot one in the kitchen
01:17:11 Almond Joy, more paralysis!
01:17:15 - You can move?
01:17:19 This is what I get for darting a nun?
01:17:24 Get this off my head!
01:17:26 - Look at Snickers.
01:17:30 Maybe it's a dud.
01:17:49 I don't know.
01:17:51 It's been known to have side effects.
01:17:54 Oh, really, George?
01:17:57 I feel like a dolphin
01:18:00 Listen, Anna.
01:18:02 The apprentice's diary
01:18:05 how the three pieces of crystal
01:18:09 If you could do us the honor,
01:18:12 we would be eternally grateful.
01:18:14 What's the color blue taste like?
01:18:17 Bobo knows.
01:18:21 I must speak with the dolphins now.
01:18:30 Just shoot her. Anybody?
01:18:34 This is supposed to be torture,
01:18:37 The old man said turn left at the fork.
01:18:37 The old man said turn left at the fork.
01:18:40 If you want to save Anna,
01:18:46 - Quit pushing.
01:18:51 - Count of three?
01:18:55 - Tommy, who are you, Bob Hope?
01:18:59 - What are you doing with that golf bag?
01:19:01 - Is it a great plan?
01:19:20 - Let me ask you something.
01:19:23 - How do I look?
01:19:26 No, I want you to tell me.
01:19:28 - I've been away a long time.
01:19:31 - You're asking me how you look?
01:19:37 - You look gorgeous, like El Zorro.
01:19:50 A lifetime of service,
01:19:53 The dolphin is dead.
01:19:55 The dolphin is...
01:19:59 I'm not a very good damsel
01:20:03 You must pay the rent!
01:20:08 Yo, Flipper. A damsel in distress
01:20:12 some well-hung Dudley Do-Right
01:20:15 It ain't gonna happen.
01:20:17 Hudson Hawk go boom boom.
01:20:30 - I'm thinking of using the 7 iron.
01:20:34 - Six iron?
01:20:36 Thank you. Fore!
01:20:40 Fore?
01:20:46 Can you believe it?
01:20:48 I heard something.
01:20:51 - Did you set the timer on that thing?
01:20:54 From now on, set the timer.
01:20:56 Come on, Butterfinger.
01:20:58 Kit Kat, guard the Mayflowers
01:21:08 Kit Kat, are you really going
01:21:22 Double crossbow for a double-cross.
01:21:24 Alfie, you dry British madman!
01:21:27 Catch you later, baby.
01:21:35 - Why did you do that?
01:21:38 Thou shalt not share.
01:21:42 It's in the hole!
01:21:45 - He's gotta be happy with that one.
01:21:47 2-1/2 minutes to save Anna,
01:21:50 6-0-0. "Side by Side"?
01:21:54 Oh, we ain't got
01:21:59 We may be ragged and funny
01:22:03 But we'll travel along
01:22:05 Hit it!
01:22:08 Side by side
01:22:13 Let's go this way.
01:22:16 We better go this way.
01:22:23 Okay. This way.
01:22:26 Eddie, we better split up.
01:22:29 I'll take the front 9, you the back 9,
01:22:32 - Hey, Tommy, looking good, my man.
01:22:37 How you doing?
01:22:39 Three. Two. One.
01:22:45 Go in, brief the Mayflowers
01:22:52 You got it, coach.
01:22:55 Through all kinds of weather
01:22:57 What if the sky should fall
01:23:01 Just as long
01:23:04 It doesn't matter at all
01:23:08 When they've all had their quarrels
01:23:11 We'll be the same
01:23:14 Just sailing along
01:23:18 Side by...
01:23:21 Side.
01:23:40 Hey, coach, looks bad.
01:23:43 Those Mayflowers set us up.
01:23:51 Jumbo, we hardly knew you.
01:23:57 Since you won't tell us
01:24:00 I think it's time for you to report
01:24:05 If you see the big guy,
01:24:09 That's it.
01:24:21 That didn't hurt.
01:24:23 No? Try this.
01:24:36 What do you say now, you centrally
01:24:44 Getting old, George?
01:24:53 Tommy, you New York Italian
01:24:58 You were hired as bait.
01:25:00 On this simple task,
01:25:03 - Do you have an answer why?
01:25:08 One! Two!
01:25:11 Three! Four!
01:25:24 It didn't hurt.
01:25:32 How do I stop?
01:25:36 My hat.
01:25:46 You've never fucked with anybody
01:25:49 Anna, we're supposed to be saving you.
01:25:53 I'm sorry. I got bored,
01:25:55 - We've got to get those crystals.
01:25:58 "Got 'em here, cowboy."
01:26:01 Sounds like Tommy.
01:26:05 I won't be needing the car anymore.
01:26:26 My pension!
01:26:41 - Friend of yours?
01:26:57 Hudson, look...
01:26:59 out.
01:27:18 Anna, Hawkmeister, you're probably
01:27:23 We're still having a problem
01:27:28 Alfie and I have been at it all night.
01:27:32 What are you waiting for?
01:27:43 - Don't do it.
01:27:47 Besides, we don't have much choice,
01:28:18 Oh, Hawk.
01:28:21 Don't ever change.
01:28:26 Nice Hawk.
01:28:31 Bad Hawk!
01:28:44 Why is the world jam-packed
01:28:48 Every schmoe has a fantasy
01:28:53 It rains.
01:28:54 A car crash stops traffic.
01:28:59 But for us, this isn't a fantasy.
01:29:05 Oh, yes!
01:29:08 he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked in
01:29:14 The project of his life
01:29:18 History, tradition, culture
01:29:23 These are trophies I keep in my den
01:29:28 The chaos we will cause the world
01:29:30 will be our final masterpiece!
01:29:34 Go, team, go!
01:29:43 Yes!
01:29:55 Now!
01:30:10 Eureka, motherfucker!
01:30:13 You should feel good about yourself.
01:30:13 You should feel good about yourself.
01:30:17 - Let me ask you something.
01:30:19 What would happen if I didn't put
01:30:22 What do you mean?
01:30:24 Let's say I left out
01:30:28 - Would that be bad?
01:30:32 Good.
01:31:08 How.
01:31:09 Your turn.
01:31:11 How'd it get to be my turn?
01:31:16 - Definitely your turn.
01:31:19 Stay over here and
01:31:22 - Hudson?
01:31:48 - Thou shalt not kill!
01:32:01 No! Stop helping me.
01:32:16 You won't be attending
01:32:25 - My turn?
01:32:31 What's with this dog?
01:32:36 Bunny?
01:32:39 Ball-ball.
01:32:46 Come on, Puppy Chow.
01:32:50 Here we go.
01:33:23 Hang on.
01:33:39 Leonardo!
01:33:42 Go, Leonardo! Please, please!
01:33:49 Oh, baby!
01:33:52 Hi, kids!
01:34:05 - Anna?
01:34:09 - Can I ask you something?
01:34:14 Will you play Nintendo with me?
01:34:17 I can't think of anybody
01:34:31 Wait a minute.
01:34:34 - What boss?
01:34:37 Oh, I think He wants me
01:34:39 I think He wants you
01:34:42 'cause I've got criminal tendencies.
01:34:45 - Can I buy you a cappuccino?
01:34:47 - Can I give you a kiss?
01:34:52 I wish Tommy were here.
01:34:55 No way!
01:34:57 - That's not very nice.
01:34:59 Yes, way!
01:35:05 Did I miss anything?
01:35:07 You're supposed to be all cracked up
01:35:10 Air bags!
01:35:13 You're supposed to be blown up
01:35:15 Sprinkler system set up in the back.
01:35:18 Can you fucking believe it?
01:35:21 Yeah! That's probably what happened.
01:35:24 Drink your cappuccino.
01:35:27 Drink your coffee.
01:35:39 With the world saved,
01:35:44 Eddie finally got his coffee.